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bensakindofmagic · 5 years

Text

As Hard

(gif creds to @queenmercurys)

okay i wrote a thing, cause apparently i can't stop writing at the moment (it’s all this goddamn fresh content). i hope yous aren't complaining. it’s for courtney’s writing challenge (@ijustreallylovezebras // @writingfortoomanyfandoms) and I KNOW THE DEADLINE WAS SUNDAY BUT IM A LAZY HOE so you can have it now <3

(also know this isn't the lovely fluffy content that usually surfaces this time of year but there you go. hope you like it anyway)

Warnings: ANGST, mentions of death

w/c: 2.6k+

based on this prompt:

“I should have made it as hard for you to leave me as it is now for me to leave you” - Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

(ALSO i went a tiny bit abstract with the prompt, cause my initial idea was basically the same as a chapter i just wrote for my series [but you’ll have to wait a wee while to read that ;) ], so i went with this instead. anyway, i’ll shut up and let you read now)

Begins below the cut

Ben looked in on his sleeping daughter and decided to let her lie in a little longer. He smiled at the sight of her; she was the light of his life, the most precious thing in the world to him. She was sleeping soundly, her face the picture of serenity. Those moments were like gold to him. He never wanted to see her cry again.

Lily. His wife had chosen the name. He recalled the moment she told him she was pregnant. She’d been nervous; they weren’t married back then, but it was one of the happiest days of his life.

“Ben, love, can I talk to you?”

The tension in his shoulders was involuntary. Those words made him nervous. “Yeah, of course. What’s wrong?” He tried to act nonchalant.

She sat down beside him on the sofa. He could hear the shallowness of her breathing. She looked mildly terrified and instantly Ben’s nerves on his own behalf switched to worrying about her. Her skin was pale and clammy — was she sick?

She breathed out slowly. “Okay look, here’s the thing… I’m pregnant.”

His whole world stood still, the word bounced around in his head. Pregnant.

Vaguely he heard her muttering something and forced himself to tune back in.

“… understand if you’re not ready to have a baby, but I don’t think we should just jump into getting rid of it—”

“Getting rid of it?! No, angel, I don’t want to get rid of it,” he grinned, finally letting his joy shine though his face. “It’s your choice and I’ll support you whatever, but baby there is nothing I want more than to start a family with you.”

Her relief was palpable, as her lips spit into a smile and she collapsed in his arms, letting him pull her close. “Thank god,” she whispered.

Ben pulled back and wiped away a tear with his thumb, before kissing her with all the strength he could muster.

“We’re having a baby,” he chirped, elated and overwhelmed.

She bit her lip as she smiled — he always loved when she did that — and hummed, “You’re gonna be a daddy."

Lily had been born healthy and beautiful, and he had fallen in love with her instantly. It was a moment unlike anything he had ever felt before, sitting next to the love of his life on the hospital bed as she held their new baby in her arms. She had sobbed, exhausted but overjoyed, and he had kissed her forehead and told her how well she had done. It had been a tricky birth but she was a trooper. He couldn’t have been more proud of her.

He had proposed a couple of years later, on their anniversary, and when Lily was two they were married. She had been a flower girl for them — she loved dressing up in her little frock, and was very pleased to take as much attention as she could away from her mum. Luckily Y/N had loved every second of it, and smiled constantly. She had never looked more beautiful.

Ben stumbled as he thought of that day, and he had to grip onto the arm of the sofa to stop himself from falling. It still felt like a knife wound in his chest. Most of the time now he could think of her and carry on, but their wedding day? That was too much. Ben was tired, he ached. He sat heavily on the sofa and let his bones sink. He didn’t fight the tears that fell from his eyes, he had learned long ago that there was no use in fighting, so he let them roll solemnly down his cheeks.

But he heard the gentle patter of little feet on the floor and sat up, wiping his face.

Much against the wishes of his body, Ben had hauled himself out of bed. He could have ignored the muffled cries of his baby daughter coming from the kitchen and Y/N’s gentle lullaby, it was the gnawing anxiety at the fact that she had been trying to get Lily to sleep for nearly an hour that kept him from sleeping. He squinted against the light, but heard how frayed Y/N’s voice was. She sounded tired, and a little frazzled. When his eyes adjusted he saw her disheveled hair and panicked eyes.

“Love—”

She spun on her heel; her fear was written all over her face.

“She won’t settle. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, she just won’t stop crying.” He could hear in her voice how close she was to tears.

“You’re stressed love, and tired. You know how babies can tell when you’re anxious.”

“I don’t know if that’s it, Ben.”

“I’m sure she’s fine. Give her to me darling, go get some sleep. You need it.”

She was clearly still a little unconvinced, but relieved to let him take over. He knew she was struggling with being a mum more than she had admitted. She had wanted a baby for such a long time, Ben didn’t suppose it had ever occurred to her that she might find it hard. Of course, he knew she was doing an incredible job, but she beat herself up too much over the little things. He’d have to talk to her about it, or maybe ask his mum to. She’d listen to his mum.

She carefully placed the little bundle in his arms and kissed him. She whispered, “Thank you,” and wandered back to the bedroom, half asleep already.

Ben looked down at the tiny face of his daughter. It was contorted in mid-wail, but he sat down on the sofa and laid her on his lap while he pulled his tshirt off. Then he unwrapped Lily from her blanket, took her baby-grow off, and placed her on his bare chest before covering her back over with the blanket. She still cried, though a little quieter when he started rubbing her back with a hand that was almost the same size as her. She nuzzled her cheek into his chest and started to settle with a little groan and a gurgle. He nestled his finger into her closed fist, and she latched onto it, squeezing it with all the might. He smiled; he would never get tired of that. He hummed a gentle lullaby until her eyes drifted closed and her could lay her back in her cot.

When he went back to the bedroom, Y/N was fast asleep. Contented to see his two best girls both sleeping peacefully, he climbed into bed and pulled Y/N close, kissing her cheek and whispering that he loved her.

“You didn’t wake me up daddy,” said Lily, stifling a yawn.

“I know petal, I thought I’d let you have a lie in.”

She clambered up onto the sofa next to him and latched her little arms around his neck. “But we’re going to see mummy today. You promised.”

“It’s okay, she’ll still be there. Go get dressed and do your teeth, then we’ll go see mum.”

She planted a delicate kiss on his cheek and raced off to to her bedroom. His heart swelled; thank god he still had Lily.

She was ready in record time and appeared from her room with a few bits of paper in her hands.

“I’ve done some drawings for mummy. Please can I take them?”

“Of course you can, darling. I think she’ll love them. Have you got her letter, too?”

She nodded; she always took a letter.

She was quieter than she used to be. Her mother had been strict on manners but she used to have a naughty streak to her; Y/N always used to laugh that she got that from her dad. That was gone now, or at least subdued. Ben prayed that she would get it back, in time.

He picked up the flowers he’d bought the day before and took his little girl’s hand, leading her to the car.

It wasn’t a long drive, and they soon parked. Ben and Lily walked hand in hand down the path that ran alongside the church. When they passed the big oak tree Lily knew the way, so he let her run ahead.

“Be careful of the big roots Lily, mind you don’t trip!” he called after her, but she wasn’t listening.

When he caught up with her, she had already laid her drawings down against her mum’s headstone.

“Is that mummy?” he asked, pointing to the woman in the drawing.

Lily nodded, “And that’s you and that’s me.”

“We look very happy.”

“I thought that’s what mummy would have wanted.”

“It is petal, it is.”

He took the old flowers out of the vase and put the new bunch in — lilies of course — before taking his daughter’s hand once more. It was still so tiny, engulfed in his large one.

“Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Lily,

Happy birthday to you!”

Ben and Y/N cheered and Lily blew out all four candles on her birthday cake in one go. Ben lifted her up and twirled her round the room, her dress flaring out behind her. She giggled in that joyful way that children do, and Ben grinned. He could hardly contain his glee.

She hadn’t wanted a birthday party, saying that she only wanted her mum and dad there. Ben had felt guilty: he’d been away a lot filming just lately and he knew the girls missed him. Y/N would never say but she wished he didn’t travel so often, and Lily was always happiest when they were all together. Spending her birthday with his beautiful little family reminded him how lucky he was. As he watched his wife cut his daughter’s birthday cake, he promised himself he would make for time for them, be home more often. He would be the best dad he could.

Lily merrily ran off to get her new toys once they’d eaten their cake, and while she was occupied Ben pulled Y/N onto his lap. She squealed and laughed and it was music to him. He threaded his arms around her waist and let her lean back, resting his chin on her shoulder. She hummed contentedly when he kissed her neck.

“I’m going to be home more this year.”

“It that right?” she pondered.

“I promise. I want to spend more time with you two.”

“That would be nice.” He could hear her smiling.

“And I’ve been thinking—”

“Dangerous.”

He chuckled, “I adore our little family, but how would you feel if it got a little bigger?”

She turned to him, eyes wide. “Really?”

He nodded, gnawing at his lip.

She beamed, “I would love that.”

As Ben kissed his wife he let his hand trail towards her thigh, and felt her smile against his lips.

It was only a few weeks later that Y/N had collapsed one Sunday afternoon and he’d rushed her to hospital. After that everything was a blur. They knew from the start that it was terminal but when she slipped away two months later it still came as a shock. It had all happened so fast, Ben had barely had time to process it, let alone Lily. She lost her mum at the age of four. He worried constantly what that would do to her, and how to be both mum and dad to her. It was an endless struggle, mourning for the death of the only woman he had ever loved, and learning to be a single parent. The last two years had been hell, but he finally felt like there was some light in his life again.

“Do you want to read your letter to mum?”

Lily shook her head, “She knows what it says,” and lay down the letter next to her drawings. For a while they both stood, quietly grieving in each other’s company. When Lily sighed and started to fidget next to him, Ben knew she was ready to go.

“Why don’t you go and wait in the car, sweetheart? I want to talk to mummy in private for a minute. I promise I won’t be long.”

She nodded and set off. He watched her until she was safely back in the car before turning back to the headstone.

He read the words he had chosen:

Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.

They were Emily Dickinson’s words. He trusted her to know what she was talking about, despite the fact that at the time he didn’t believe them in the slightest. Now, perhaps, he was starting to see what she meant. Perhaps.

“Oh love, my darling girl…”

He broke down, sobs wracked his body. He just missed her so goddamn much. She had been his whole world, the love of his life, she had given him the most precious gift in their beautiful daughter, and she was gone. Forever.

Eventually he composed himself, and placed a hand on her grave. The stone was cold beneath his fingers.

“God, I miss you. I thought it would get easier but it hasn’t, I’ve just got better at living with the the hole that you left. I’m still mad at you, you know. For leaving us. That was a real dick move.”

He sighed, shaking his head with a small chuckle.

“Not that it was your fault. I know you’d still be with us if you could. But Lily’s doing well, you’d be so proud of her, baby. She’s still a little quiet but she’s getting more confident these days, you can see it. And she’s so smart too, she really got your brains. She’s cleverer than me already, it’s embarrassing. She gets more and more like you every day.” He took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I suppose you want to know how I’m doing? Ha, well I’m okay. I miss you, but I already told you that. I think I’m doing better though. For a while there it was really just Lily that kept me going. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I was just trying to make to the next day, so that I could be there for her, but I think I’m ready to start living for me again. She’s everything to me, you know, but maybe I’m ready to get back into the world a little bit.”

Suddenly Ben was able to unload all the thoughts that had been swirling around in his head, weighing him down. You always made it so easy for him to talk to you, even when you weren’t there.

“I feel kinda guilty though, like I’m leaving you behind. I don’t want to forget you, I don’t want to move on from you, I just want to move forward. I can’t keep living in this pit, I… I don’t know. Not that you need me to tell you any of this. I know you wanted me to move on, find someone else. I don’t know about that, but I think I’m ready to start embracing life again. But you should know that there’s no one in the world like you, no one else I could ever love the way I love you.”

He felt tears prickle at his eyes again, and he knew it was time to go.

“Christ Y/N, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me as it is now for me to leave you. Maybe then we’d still be together.”

His head dropped, his shoulders fell heavy. He kissed his fingers and pressed them against the name carved in the stone. His wife. His rock.

“I have to go, Lily’s waiting, but I'll see you soon. I love you.”

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