#snarky bitch merlin my beloved

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

A Chronicle of the Life of Sirius Black, as told by Regulus Black

TEN TIMES Regulus didn’t matter and the one time he realized he’d mattered all along / TEN TIMES Regulus was jealous of Sirius and the one time he realized that Sirius’ happiness was his happiness

1. Sirius being in Gryffindor [Without Me - Halsey]

The day Sirius is sorted into Gryffindor, Regulus is at home, a scared little ten-year-old alone with their hateful parents for the first time ever. Sirius sends him a letter every day, always kind, always joyful, and it helps, it does. But Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. He’s the first Black in centuries not to be in Slytherin, and he’s proud of it. Almost offensively so. And Regulus tries. He does. He tries to be brave, he tries to follow his brother’s example. But there he is, the huge, frumpy Hat on his head, and even as he pleads, Let me be with my brother. Please. He’s the only thing that makes me happy. Please, please, please, let me be with Sirius, the Hat shouts, “Slytherin!” and something in Regulus’ chest breaks as the Hat grins and Sirius’ eyes cut with betrayal. Regulus swallows down the feeling, settling beside Severus Snape (a boy Sirius hates) at the Slytherin table and trying not to cry. The day Regulus is sorted is, he knows, the last day Sirius really loves him.

2. Sirius having non-pureblood and real friends [Hurts Like Hell - Madison Beer]

Sirius doesn’t really look at Regulus anymore. Not the same way, anyway. Besides, he has friends to keep him company now. Friends who have all sorts of blood and these mischiveious glints in their eyes and so much fucking love for Sirius it makes Regulus sick. And Regulus has friends too, sure - friends like Lucius Malfoy and Mulciber and Bellatrix and Crouch. Slimy, disgusting scumbags who he knows will end up killers. But Regulus isn’t an idiot, and he knows that any kid who travels alone in this school doesn’t survive. So he lets them serve as his shield, because Severus only wants Lily and Sirius doesn’t want Regulus, not anymore, so if he doesn’t want to be alone he better shape the fuck up. But Sirius thinks Regulus likes these people, Sirius thinks Regulus believes in blood purity, Sirius thinks Regulus is just like every other dark wizard they’ve ever met and Regulus doesn’t know what you’re supposed to do when the only person you’ve ever loved thinks you’re a killer and hates you for it.

3. Sirius having the courage to stand up to their parents [You should be sad - Halsey]

When Sirius finally does come back home with him, there’s this fire in his eyes that wasn’t there before. He doesn’t just ignore their parents anymore. He speaks up, speaks loud, and boldly goes on and on about the greatness of Gryffindor and that half-blood friend of his, Remus Lupin. He defends werewolves and slanders Death Eaters and he even calls their mother a bitch. To her face. And they punish him, oh, do they punish him. Crucio! after Crucio!, but Sirius does not budge. He keeps talking back, he keeps being himself, he keeps cursing out their ideas and challenging every little thing they say, and Regulus can hear him screaming from the basement at night, where they lock him up without food. And Regulus brings some food down every night he can manage, taking in the sight of his beautiful, beloved brother battered and bruised and angry, and Siris will always smile at him. But then he looks at Regulus for support during one of his fights with their parents and Regulus can only look down at his lap, his words caught in his throat. And just like that, Sirius is a different person. And this Sirius has a heart that doesn’t know Regulus’ name. But Regulus’ still knows Sirius. Always, always Sirius.

4. Sirius kissing boys (half-blood werewolf ones at that) [Little Miss Perfect - Annapantsu cover]

And then, in fourth year, Regulus sees Sirius kiss a boy. Not just any boy, either - Remus Lupin, that half-blood werewolf that’s supposed to be a secret. And they’re smiling and laughing and, oh Merlin, they’re holding hands. And then Sirius touches Remus’ face and kisses him again, the two of them grinning into each other’s mouths as Regulus stares, unable to stop. Because he wants to kiss boys. He wants to kiss James Potter and his infuriating smirk. He wants to kiss Severus Snape and his stupid frown. He wants to kiss Peter Pettigrew and his crooked grin. He wants to kiss Amir Levis and his perfect smile. He wants to kiss boys, boys, boys, but no. Because he’s not brave, he’s not a Gryffindor, he’s not Sirius, so he can’t kiss boys. And so instead he stares. And he stares, and he stares, and he stares until Sirius sees him and storms over, asking him if he has a problem and shoving him back until Regulus is running down the hall, trying not to cry until he’s alone, because Sirius hates him, hates him, hates him because he thinks Regulus hates him, and for the first time in his life Regulus can’t even deny it.

5. Sirius wearing dresses [Alyssa Greene - from “The Prom”]

One day in fifth year, Sirius shows up to their Potions class in a skirt. He stands there in the doorway, a hand on his cocked hip and the other hanging down as he smirks and cuts his eyes around the room. Regulus can’t breathe, and neither, it seems, can anyone else, as the entire room basks in silence. Finally James pipes up, “Lookin’ good, Sirius,” and Sirius grins, ducking his head to the ground in embarrassed happiness as he makes his way over to Remus, tucking himself into his side with a smile and a kiss. And Regulus looks down at his stupid tight pants and imagines they were a lace dress instead and everything inside of him calms. He glances at Sirius the whole lesson, desperate to talk to him, but as he catches Sirius’ eyes, the truth you’re beautiful, Siri gets caught in his throat and instead outpours his snarky hurt, “Nice skirt, Black,” and Sirius’ eyes go squinty with his own hurt and Regulus finally learns what wanting to die truly feels like. But he can’t take it back, and Sirius is already stalking away, his head high, and so Regulus shoves the pain down where he shoves everything else and he hates and he hates and he hates all of it, but mostly himself.

6. Sirius running away to James’ house [Fake - Lauv, Conan Gray]

And then Sirius leaves him. It’s Regulus’ fucking birthday and he’s only fif-fucking-teen and his favorite person in the world is leaving him. And Regulus is begging, pleading, screaming, as he tears at Sirius’ clothes and grasps desperately for his hands, crying, “Please, please, please, don’t leave me here alone, don’t let me go, don’t leave, stay here, stay here with me, let me be with you Sirius -” and then Sirius is whirling around and grasping Regulus by the neck, tugging him in and searching his eyes, his own cold, and Regulus can’t breathe. Sirius leans in, blood and tears making his skin grimy to the touch, and he whispers, “Come with me.” And Regulus hates himself, hates himself, hates himself, because he says, “Yes,” and then shoves Sirius out the front door and locks it tight, cowering before their wrathful parents as his mother raises her wand and whispers, “Crucio.” And Regulus screams, screams until he can’t even hear it anymore, screams until all of his breath has left him, but Sirius doesn’t come. Because Sirius is brave, and Sirius has left, and Sirius doesn’t love Regulus anymore.

7. Sirius having someone who loves him just as fiercely as Sirius loves them [Take Me to Church - Hozier]

Regulus doesn’t believe in love, okay, because love is absolute shit. The only person Regulus has ever loved is Sirius, and Sirius fucking hates him right down to his bones and so Regulus thinks that maybe love is just bullshit some sunshine mother made up for her child to believe in, if sunshine mothers even exist that is, because Regulus only knows his monster of one. But Sirius does believe in love. Regulus knows this, because Regulus Black is not a blind idiot and Sirius Potter loves Remus Lupin. But Regulus knows better than to assume he’ll be invited to their wedding. He knows what Sirius thinks of him. He knows Sirius hates him, no matter how bright Regulus’ own heart burns for him. But Regulus gets a little something in the mail anyway - not an invitation, of course not, but a letter, written by one Remus Lupin, asking if Regulus would pretty please make just the tiniest bit of time to come and see them on the big day, only five minutes if that’s all he can spare, because Sirius will want him to be there even if he’s a stubborn git who refuses to say it. (Remus’ words, not his.) And Regulus burns it, burns it like his shattered heart and hopes that the memory of it burns too soon, but Regulus is not one to deny simple truths, and the most simple truth of all is that all Regulus can be bothered to care about anymore is whether his brother is happy, and so he goes. It’s only for a moment - he doesn’t even make himself seen. But he stands outside the tent populated by the countless friends and family Sirius has made in the same time Regulus has lost his only one, and he watches as his brother dances with his werewolf husband. Watches as they press their foreheads together, as they smile, as they share a kiss. As they spin and twirl and sway, as their friends join them. Regulus watches, and Remus looks up and sees him and smiles, and Regulus apparates away with a heart that is no longer burning, but bleeding.

8. Sirius having a blank wrist [World Burn - from “Mean Girls”]

Regulus doesn’t make it fully back in the door after the wedding before his bitch of a mother is shoving him up against the wall as his father grabs his other wrist and tugs it out so hard he feels his shoulder snap out of his socket for a moment. Regulus finally manages to take in his surroundings, a house full of hateful cousins and bigoted aunts and uncles and they all have snakes and skulls on their arms and Regulus looks down at his blank wrist and back up at the slimy smirking man slithering towards him with the evil eyes and he cries, “No. No. No no no no no no no no -” and when the man’s wand stabs his arm he screams louder than he ever has before but nobody fucking hears him because he is Regulus Black and he is all alone and he is a Death Eater. And he flees, apparates as soon as they’re off him to Sirius’, but there’s a wand pressed against his throat there too. And Sirius is shoving him back, pushing him towards the open window as he places himself carefully in front of his new husband, sleepy and still somehow smiling kindly at Regulus even as he sees the Mark on his arm, and Regulus bursts into tears. “I’m sorry,” he pledges. “I’m sorry, Siri, they didn’t give me a choice, they made me, Siri, I -” But his brother doesn’t understand and his brother hates him and his brother spits, “You had a fucking choice, Regulus. You always had a choice. All you had to do was come the fuck with me.” Regulus can’t breathe. “I love you,” he cries, but Sirius just shakes his head. “You have no idea what love is,” he says, and casts a quick Stupefy, shoving Regulus out the window for good measure. And Regulus lies there, staring up at the sky and listening to the peaceful silence of his brother’s home, the home he shares with someone who loves him, loves him far better than Regulus ever could, and he sets his jaw and pulls down his sleeve and apparates himself back to the Dark Lord. Because they may be Death Eaters but at least they fucking want him.

9. Sirius volunteering to fight instead of being forced [This Is Why We Can’t have Nice Things - Taylor Swift]

Regulus lives like a ghost. He might as well be dead. But nothing ever seems to kill him. Instead he drifts along, killing innocent Muggles, torturing witches for information, and obsessively reading every article about the Order and Sirius he can find. He’s just about ready to wither away when he finds out about the Horcruxes. And he’s resigned himself to death at his brother’s wand when he’s suddenly filled with a burning, untameable fire - Sirius got to choose to fight. Sirius gets to choose his battles. Sirius got to choose his side. And for the longest time, Regulus resented him for that. Because why should he get all the choices just for being the fucking Gryffindor? Except, Regulus realizes now, a Mark may have damned his reputation, but it hasn’t damned him, not yet. But he will be damned if he doesn’t get it the fuck together and take control of his miserable life. So Regulus decides to take his wand to that cave and find that fucker of a necklace. Regulus decides to find the rest of those fuckers and destroy them all too. Regulus decides to be brave. Regulus decides to be a fucking Gryffindor, because fuck the huge, frumpy Hat. It doesn’t know jack shit about Regulus Lupin. It doesn’t know anything about him at all.

10. Sirius having a child [lovely - Billie Eilish, Khalid]

One by one, Regulus finds the Horcruxes. One by one, he destroys them. He knows he’ll die for it, but for now no one suspects him and he’s finally found his purpose in life. Sirius may not love him anymore, Sirius may hate him now, but at least he’ll be safe. At least he’ll be happy. Because Merlin, oh Merlin, Regulus will stare down Voldemort himself if it means his brother survives this war. And then, he hears the news - Sirius and Remus have had a child. Three, actually - Newt, Hermione, and Luna Lupin. All adopted from casualties of the war. And of course there’s three of them, Regulus thinks - Sirius always said he wanted a house full of laughing children. That never changed, even after he fell in love with Remus. He still wanted loads of children. And when Regulus finds out, he hates him. Hates him because those children will never know Regulus as their uncle, because his brother, their father, hates him. Hates him because he was a child in a war who could never just fucking be a Gryffindor when he needed to, who could only ever say he loved Sirius more than himself, more than life, more than anything, and never act on it. And Regulus will never have children - he’d wanted to, he’s always wanted to, but no one had ever loved him enough to stay. And then he’d signed his death warrant with a Mark and a Horcrux, and he knew no child would ever be brought into the world under his name. But at least, at least, he swears - he solemnly swears, making an Unbreakable Vow - his nieces and nephew will be safe. They will grow up with both of their fathers. They will grow up with their cousins and aunts and uncles. They will grow up in a world without war. There will only be one cost, he thinks, one price that they will not know about - as he stabs the last Horcrux through the heart with his last Basilisk fang, he knows, deep in his bones, that they will lose only him in this war. And that’s never really been much of loss, has it?

1. Sirius lives a long, happy life surrounded by the people he loves, people who love him right back [Anyone - Camila Cabello]

(NOTE: Some of Regulus’ dialogue here is lyrics from the aforementioned song.)

And then, the final battle is upon them. Flashing lights and flying spells, and Regulus sees Sirius across the battlefield. His breath catches in his throat, and he’s about to go to him when he sees Voldemort, standing on a precipice and vulnerable. He lays eyes on his brother for what he knows will be the last time, and he whispers, “I love you.” Then, he makes his way up the battlefield’s taunting hills to his death with a newfound resolve. Taking in a deep breath, he raises his wand with a steady hand and whispers, “Avada -” Voldemort doesn’t let him finish, whirling around like a shot and shouting, “Sectumsempra!” Regulus feels his chest ripping open, feels himself stumbling backwards, and lets his gasp of pain answer Voldemort’s sick smile, “Avada Kedavra…” His smile fading, Voldemort falls with Regulus with the force of the curse. But where he falls and shatters on unforgiving rock, Regulus falls into warm arms. Looking up at the tear-streaked face of his brother, he smiles, his eyes sparkling as he comes back to life. “Siri?” He asks, raising his shaking hand to Sirius’ cheek. Sirius’ eyes are wide with panic as he scans Regulus’ body desperately, muttering useless spells over and over as Regulus just smiles at him. “Are you proud of me, Siri?” Sirius looks down at him finally, whispering back, “I’m always proud of you, Reggie. You’re you.” Regulus grins. Sirius has gone back to muttering desperate spells, but Regulus can feel himself fading. He knows his time is up. So he whispers, “Siri. Siri. Siri, look at me, please.” Sirius looks down at him, eyes still frantic. “What, Reggie?” Regulus keeps smiling. “If you ever move on without me,” he starts, remembering the lyrics to that song he heard so long ago. Sirius’ eyes widen with the realization and he starts shaking his head frantically, turning back to Regulus’ gaping wounds, “No. No, you are not dying. I can save you. I’m going to save you. Reggie, you can’t -” Regulus shushes him, gently dragging Sirius’ face back to him. Looking into his brother’s eyes, he smiles and smiles and smiles. “If you ever move on without me,” he rasps again. “I need to make sure you know -” Sirius sucks in a breath. “Reggie -” “You are the only one I’ve ever loved,” Regulus confesses, and Sirius sobs. “Reggie…” “Looking back on my life, you’re the only good I’ve ever done.” Sirius shakes his head, grasping Regulus’ hand. “No. No, you’ve done so much good -” “Yeah, you,” Regulus interrupts. “If it’s not you, it’s not anyone.” Siriu’s face collapses. “Regulus…” “I love you,” Regulus murmurs. “I love you, I want you to know that. Your happiness is my happiness. I love you. I died for you. I lived for you.” Sirius shakes his head, leaning down to press his forehead to Regulus’. “I love you too,” he rasps. “I love you too. I never stopped.” Regulus smiles. He can feel his life leaving him. “Smile for me,” he asks, grasping Sirius’ hair almost painfully. “Smile for me, please, Sirius.” Sirius smiles. “Thank you…” “Reggie. Reggie. No, Reggie, no -” There is a white light. Regulus looks up. He smiles. He closes his eyes, and he walks into the light. Finally, Regulus Lupin breathes.

Regulus Black’s hand falls from Sirius Lupin’s cheek. The sun rises.