#so I just wandered around school
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Recommend some songs pls
#I’m so bored in study hall rn#yeah I have mocks tomorrow#don’t really give a shit#I’ve had a shitty day#like#major shitty#my friends aren’t speaking to me#well#that’s not entirely true#my two best friends aren’t speaking to me#the rest are fine#but like#they left me alone basically#and I had to find my other friends#and I don’t really have much in common with them other than mutual friends#so I just wandered around school#ended up finding a boy who I share classes with and I talked to him for a couple hours
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So embarrassed for him
#ultraman#return of ultraman#ultraman jack#go hideki#fan art#this was like... so weirdly normal of them...#he doesn't get deathly sick or poisoned or anything... Go catches a little infection and has to go lie down for a second aldkfjaleja#He gets a REAL EARTH DISEASE TM for like... half an episode#and he's just wandering around the house in his PJs like...#'I guess i'll go make some soup for my little brother who just got home from school..."#return of ultraman is so good
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hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity
#I'm kind of struggling rn guys#being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time#is killing my nerves#because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism#I wanna put it to death SO badly#but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time????#or else be considered a 'bad example'????#there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still.#I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching#at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here.#sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point.#hhhhh.#gurt says stuff#delete later#I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!!#just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now.#and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills)#and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people
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sometimes i cant help but think about the enemy pokemon u find in mystery dungeons and the in-universe reasons for why theyre Like That. like. i know we have a bunch of examples in each game for pokemon that attack u for various reasons (misunderstandings, guarding something, gone berserk from outside influence, just an asshole, etc) but whats going on with the hundreds of mons that spawn INSIDE the mystery dungeons. like those things are already weird even though theyre well known by most residents and they appear pretty much anywhere but theres tons of pokemon that straight up live in those places. and while some have good reason to wander and attack intruders there, some are just. why. why are there Enemy Pokemon in a Mystery Dungeon next to a School. who are you people.
#and like . ok pmd1 mons are influenced by the natural disasters pmd2 are influenced by time pmd3 by despair and pmd4 by. despair again ?#but theyre still like. sentient. right.#also the fact that there are canonically criminals in the pmd world but wheres the line between that and residents of a mystery dungeon#closest thing i can think of that vaguely answers any of this is the spiritomb from the dark future but even thats an extreme AND rare case#it feels like a weird cross between animals just being animals in nature and then. society and everything that comes w that#why are there even cops in pmd anyway..#more importantly why is there a mystery dungeon next to the school. was it already there when they built the school#or did they somehow generate one???????? theres no way right#why did they think that was a good idea. mystery dungeons are famously dangerous and these mons are like yknow whatd be great#what if we took a bunch of 10 year olds (maximum.) and let them explore one of the most dangerous things known to monkind#yeah thatll be a nice fun learning experience .#< psmd is so goddamn weird (i love it tho i swear)#i would love to know what mystery dungeons would be like without all the game mechanics.....#some of them wouldnt have floors necessarily like the forests n stuff but some would.. the ever-changing layout still applies tho..#would traps be a thing. or random items just laying around#would kecleon shops even exist inside dungeons realistically. i feel like thatd be awful for business#no no going back to the fuckin school thing. theres literal groups OFFICIAL groups of pokemon made specifically to traverse the dungeons#like most pokemon dont casually wander around those things unless they live there. so why on earth is there one for the SCHOOL#pmd
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Damnit lev lmfao. I was thinking about Shiva wearing corpse ash being resonant for other reasons, something about his relationship with the Bright Skinned Ones and death and whatever. No, no. More fucking importantly: Oh I wonder why Shiva is known for. you know. wearing bodies. his appearance is a mass of bodies joined together. yeah
#Leviathan is a mass of bodies. Shiva wears the ash of burned corpses. Transforming in both cases the masses into the Matter of the Bodiless#ramblings //#leviathan //#Maheshvara //#Not surprised this is coming up now he loves his fun fact time. Earlier I was poking at what he was doing#because he's... very distracted. And uh. Somewhere over yonder doing war stuff with people. And I was thinking about how he is just so many#circumstance based people at the same time. He'll be doing paperwork in a Royal Office somewhere and on a battlefield elsewhere and#running through the forest as a deer somewhere else and living as members of a school of fish in some transcendental lake#and scrying the pools of God and watching birds in a forest... and he incarnates here too and will be a chef downtown#and a teacher somewhere else up also doing paperwork and some dog on the street begging for food and and and#And over all of it... That central blissful mind that is water itself. all it's senses of self - emotions. thoughts. and so on - arising#from its various movements and shapes as reflections on the surface. But also... a sweet thing. Anyway#That black umbrella Lev that's deep and beyond names... beloved.... Searching for someone...#Shiva throws himself down into reality to bounce around as rays of light... the sun incarnating through the day sky into plants then into#animals and so on slowly recollecting more and more who he is. Searching for Shiva#always. Well. You found him. But then... Well. You go past the crying screaming stage of birth and then you get to fun#You gestate. You know who you are when the Sun's light touches your eyes. You scream at it. You change. You grow.#Then you learn the world is fun... People talk about how it seems ridiculous that someone who had achieved oneness would come back#and I wholly agree on a side thought relevant to that that most people who claim to know oneness don't know it#because the idea of oneness itself is actually a product of duality IE you have to be on a world where Two exists to understand One#One doesn't exist in a unified world. There's no One. In a unified world... So you can absolutely achieve a state of oneness while still#being non-unified if you don't truly get it... But anyway. On the why come back thing... Yeah people don't get it. But people who do get it#come back all the time. This reality is just an experience. You can spend your entire life asleep or you can come play and experience#So. Lev's incarnations on this plane mirror his incarnation of Shiva Into Bodies... He comes here to play games. He plays#He takes photos. He wanders. He plays music for people on street corners. He laughs. He loves. He suffers. He experiences.#Sometimes he doesn't understand. Sometimes he understands. Anyway.... Looking through his eyes... Iridescent scene of cranes#flying over a sunset more rich than I've ever seen on earth but so natural. Fire without fire. Water catching and soaking up every colour.
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#i don't like when a character feels like they're supposed to be relatable but i can't relate to them#like there was this normal setting of a 16 y/o girl going to school and she's the only main character other than her dad who is almost 50#so obviously she's going to be a fleshed out character#and she's in history class and her teacher's divorced#and the moment her teacher shows a hint of sadness the narrator is like 'she imagined mrs. sonso touching herself alone at night etc.'#and the description continues for like four lines#i read this book at 15 and again recently like 😭😭 i've personally never thought things like that about teachers it just feels invasive#or anyone else for the matter#and i don't like how the author's trying to be like 'look this is the mind of a 16 year old girl' and to a predominantly adult audience#it sucks that i'm thinking so much about it because it's literally a minor part of the book there are so many other more meaningful topics#i don't know what most people around my age think i'm completely in the dark apart from the things i read online and in books like these#i can't help but feel a little alone bc i know it's normal to let your mind wander i just don't think much about this sort of stuff at all#and i don't know if it's because i'm still young and i'll grow out of it one day but i've been waiting to grow out of it for a long time#idk i think it's not normal whenever i read intimate scenes by a certain point you'd think at very least i'd be desensitised#and i've tried but it's like every time i read it has an adverse effect on my mind#anyways...
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I drew this in 30 minute intervals while waiting for my Switch to charge today.
My Pokemon Scarlet Self Insert; Director Clavell’s Grandson, one of the kids who bullied Team Star and left school after being confronted about it.
When Clavell became Director he urged Emile to come back to school, not knowing the full story of why he left in the first place. He does eventually agree to come back, his only goal to stay out of the way of the kids he’d harassed the previous year and vanish into the background of everyone’s school life.
Too bad he gets roped into Operation Starfall.
#Emile's Arts#Self Insert#Clavell#Is there a romantic ship for this?#not like. Currently#Maybe Armarouge#But eeeeeeh#Look look look look look#I WAS a bully in Middle School Okay I was a God Awful Kid#And I want to believe in Bully Redemption because I want to Think I can be better despite being a horrid little shit in Elementary#Probably mostly Giacomo he fits the kind of Rule Tight kids I use to be mean too....#And probably Ortega I didn't go to school with any Rich Types but they're... They're very bullyable.....#but Ortega simply has so much T-Boy Swag idk if I actually COULD bully him he's too cool......#fgjdfgjdfkgjkdf#What's with the Gimmighoul chest? Why I'm so glad you asked#My S/Is original partner was a Gimmighoul he wanted to find every wandering Gimmighoul in Paldea and be a Pokemon Researcher#But his Gimmighoul left him because he was being so terrible to those other kids#And then the very next day Operation Star happened and he had to run away because he didn't have a Pokemon anymore#Then he stopped coming to school and just sorta... laid around his room#Now he carries it with him#He wants to find his Gimmighoul again and show it he's a better person now#He wants to apologize to Gimmighoul and all of Team Star for being so awful to them#I love Team Star y'all I love them so much they are my best friends now#Bully to Besties is a very good deeply hated trope but I ADORE it#Giacomo is very little brother energy I adore him#I want to do better I want to BE better#I'll be better...
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using a shoulder bag instead of a backpack for school is definitely the worst thing you can do in the us specially if youre one of those ppl that dont use their lockers at all. which i am
#it was so much eaaier in brazil because you dont have to leave your classroom at all except for lunch.#i just had to deal with the back pain while going to and from school and not every hour that i have to wander around a giant ass school.
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saw a vaguely positive recommendation of Some Desperate Glory by emily tesh from a couple of lesbians best known to me for objectifying fictional men on twitter so i went out and bought it (because i am not financially responsible and i trust the taste of these lesbians) and then i read the entire thing in two days and frankly i think i might not be able to carry on living after this. it was. well it was really good. like it was just. well. it was really good.
#like do you ever read a book and immediately go . i NEED to get high with an english major and a bisexual bioethicist RIGHT now#so we can have a DISCUSSION . about this book.#it's like. okay when i read catch 22 i NEEDED to lie on the floor of a high school hallway and stare into the fluorescent bulbs afterwards#(didn't get to. but it was what i NEEDED.)#when i finished little brother i needed to go wander around the basement of a home hardware.#and when i finished regeneration i needed to sit quietly and hold it in my hands like it was an EXTREMELY fragile bit of lead crystal#and when i finished enders game i needed to like. go write a novel that i had yet to conceptualize. again i didnt do this. but i needed to.#when i finished a marvellous light i needed to hug my kitty cat gently!#and now having finished this i need to smoke a fat blunt with an english major and a bioethicist.#to be clear i know those examples don't make sense and are a frankly hilarious bunch of books to have chosen.#but . Well. They were the ones i thought of.#it's just like!!!!! okay!!! so a computer cannot be held accountable and must therefore never make a management decision!!!!!!#so what does a computer that is smart enough to KNOW THAT#do when it is presented with a management decision???? HUH?#WHAT DOES IT DO???????????#there's so much good SHIT in that book! there's so much!!#it's like that. You get it.#like it's a book about omnipotent AI but the AI is neither a hero nor a villain. it's not a character at all.#even when it IS personified that personification is done with a lot of complexity#and a REALLY gorgeous distinction between literal personification -- creating a person to serve as an interface --#and the assignment of a person to serve as an agent --#and even that latter category isn't treated simply. because of course an AI cannot assign a person to serve its will.#because it doesn't have a will.#OR DOES IT. etc. this question we will of course debate eternally. this is how they get you. BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.#AND THE AI STUFF LITERALLY ISN'T EVEN THE CENTRAL QUESTION OF THE PLOT!!!!!!!!#like it IS a book about AI but it's. actually not really.#the question is not 'does AI exist' or 'is AI right or wrong'#but rather 'what do the possibilities presented by AI force us to confront about the nature of ourselves and our desires?'#and the plot isn't about the AI. it's about that nature of ourselves.#it's about cults! it's about misogyny! it's about rape culture! it's about eugenics! it's about the creeping realization
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JUNPEI IS ACTUALLY FOLLOWING YOU??????????????? HOLY FUCK??????????
#instead of being forced straight home after you can wander around the school and junpei says he'll 'just follow you'#AND HE ACTUALLY DOES??? FOLLOW YOU???????? THATS SO COOL?????????? i love when the games do that outside of the dungeons#LIKE YEAH I WANT THEM TO FOLLOW ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#vani plays p3re
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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i often wonder what it would have been like if i hadn't spent so many years fighting with myself & everyone around me
#i got my septum pierced today & it was in the town i went to college in#decided to take a wander around to see how the nostalgia felt & it was a little bittersweet#it's actually a gorgeous town & a lot of things have changed but it's got a lot of shops & constant activities & so many parks#& places to sit by the river i kinda just feel like#if i weren't so hellbent on being the most depressed person in the room back then maybe i could have genuinely enjoyed school#like invested more time in friends or enjoy nature a little more or idk literally anything#but i was so caught up in my relationship back then it really sucked everything out of me
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hey why is The Rialto Square Theatre the literal actual prettiest place in the fucking world
#liz blogs#rialto square theatre#architecture#neo baroque#(walks into this building) (is struck the fuck down in awe and wonder and amazement and starts running into people#because i am so absolutely amazed about Architecture that i cant see where im going)#need to take a tour need to take a tour need to take a tour need to take a tour need to t#all the gold foil... is real 24k gold foil...#i want to live in a house that looks like this#why did we stop building things that look like this#i've never been so enthralled looking at a ceiling before#weeps about a building#vintage#1920s#rents this place out just to wander aimlessly around for 6 hours#im too good for both men and marriage but if i weren't i would get married here#my brothers friend did that#i am so. insane#8 year old me coming here for an elementary school play for the first time: ohh this must be what new york is like#24 year old me coming here forgetting its the same place: ohhh this must be what new york is like
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#waiting ever so patiently for ppl to fall asleep so that I can microwave some mashed potatoes...#in the past two days I have not had enough food#yeah that's all the time and yes the calorie deficit is kicking my ass#but fuck I am so hungry rn and have been since early this morning#once ppl are in bed I'm going to warm up potatoes and peas#pls godoka let there be a little more for me#in my own place I'll be able to use the bathroom and eat food whenever I want#I won't even have to expect shame#I won't worry about earning my food by working my ass off for someone else#I'll just get to eat when I want and in peace not in the dark and as quiet as a mouse#I'll light myself a candle because why not and help myself to homemade soups#i really want to cook for some reason but using the kitchen pisses ppl off bc they can hear the sounds of my existence#i hate that if i don't do enough to them that they think i just lose the right to eat bc they perceive me as a waste of resources#i stood up all night and wandered around crying over the same old same old... came home at like 5am#i let myself sleep in and ik they think i haven't contributed enough to earn any food today#“what good is a man if he only eats and sleeps?”#that's all they see#trying not to smoke and trying to cope in other ways like writing about it#at least school is tomorrow and I'll get to see my dear profs again#i cried reading their happy thanksgiving messages over email last night
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Love the thought of kiryu losing nishikiyamas lighter fucking instantly after he gave it to him. Like he leaves it in the car and nishiki is nice enough to re-gift it to him when they meet up again and then two weeks after that whole fiasco kiryu loses it again and nishiki just buys him those cheap packs of like fifty plastic lighters because this is why they cant have nice things and he hates (loves) him so much
#Yakuza loveblog#like as sweet as it is to have kiryu hold on to that thing forecer (his lighter now) i think he really has a problem with commitment. its#not like he doesnt treasure it. he just does a lot of backflips and jumping around and things inevitably fall out of his pockets#i believe in my heart that kiryu is always losing shit and taking nishikis without permission and breaking it sometimes. like yknow#younger brother behaviour. thats why nishikis always hounding him because hes suffered greatly from kiryus whims#his whimsicality. his ability to wander literally everywhere. i think kiryu played truant in school a lot#like very early on he knew it wasnt for him so hed stalk the streets in his school uniform and climb up or under fences and rip up his skirt#and knees and then when he meets up with nishiki and yumi again hes like hey wanna come lepak in this abandoned building i found ? and theyd#be like YEAH !!!! and bring yuko along too because i love her and she should get to cut her arm open on a rusty metal screw and have to be#sent to the hospital as little girls are prone to doing. i love talking about kiryu in his school uniform god .. i really ... like i just#know he would use it to its fullest like i have a very clear image in my minds eye of kiryu as a kid all covered in dirt from climbing into#gardens and dusty old buildings morning to afternoon and carrying cool rocks around in his skirt and when he gathers them all in a pile he#just dusts off his skirt and its literally still covered in dirt and mud and dust but he does not give a shit. like it would literally be#ripped up the back because hes always sliding down concrete slopes and banisters and im sure hes cut his leg open before and just bled.#all over his nice boue uniform and then limped home and soaked it in a bucket to wear tomorrow. like i see kiryu with a lot of free time and#he never does homework and is failing all his classes by choice because he alrrady knows what he wants to do. like hes only failing because#he doesnt show up for exams and hes literally the bad boy that the girls always ask nishiki to introduce them to like omg is kazuko your#sister ?? can you give her this letter ... and nishiki opens it and reads it first and its a love letter and he just gives it to kiryu like#there are hot girls in your area who want you desperately and kiryus like oh. neat. im skipping school again tomorrow btw do not tell oyasan
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i have to say that my one pet peeve about my university is that several times i've found a Comfy Spot To Chill only for it to be replaced by like tables and desks a few months later...let me Lounge for goodness sake
#i very much miss the like. cushioned oval thing in the library#it was perfect for lying down and contemplating life before taking a stab at being productive. there were even outlets on it#they also took out the comfy chairs that you could push together to kinda make a sofa thing in the lobby of my dorm#i am of the opinion that there are plenty of desks and chairs for people to study at#and that maybe some people wanna be comfy when they study. i certainly do#star speaks#my adhd kinda hates doing things Sitting At A Desk unless i'm Very hyperfixated#i wonder if it was always like this or if i'm seeing the tail end of phasing out the Comfy Stuff#i remember talking to my dad about it and he said his school had a student lounge in the student union with like beanbags and couches#that you could take a nap at and stuff. and that's a different school so it could just be that#i haven't been able to find anything like that :(#maybe i'll wander a bit more around campus and see if there's something but i don't have high hopes
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