#so far so good i guess but never trust fb

[trystcnthorne]

wait this season actually has good options i coupled up with ryan as a placeholder for ozzy because he’s hot but he’s actually cute and bella is sooo fine like i’m so torn you guys

[machihunnicutt]

30, 37 for fic ask meme!!

TY LIVV :) !

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

i have a hard time with this and i think the solution is just to write it as quickly as possible and try not to think too much! fanfic is fun bc it gives you a starting point to expand on and explore…i think you just have to go for it and embrace the vulnerability of writing something out of the box :) i’ve been experimenting with writing more explicit scenes, that’s never been my strong suit but like…fic is a space for play and for discovery. i’m working on like, not counting myself out i guess? and trusting the process! and putting shame in its place!

this is a very vague answer i’m sorry. i think i just mean “write it scared” !

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

SURE !!! it’s this one. i don’t write a lot of rare pairs but rin/machi really speaks to me and i think i was really ambitious with the the plot while maintaining good pacing (another allison-ism is constantly worrying about pacing whoops). also i wrote it for me, y’know? i did not expect wide readership. all the stuff i wrote for fruits basket is really special to me bc it’s a series i loved in middle school (and read fic for back then!) and then returned to as an adult with a new understanding of and connection to. and i mean…like machi is tattooed on my arm, obviously I’m deeply committed to her (even if fb was not lmao). here’s a snippet:

It was a dark room, not depicted overhead as the last map, but as if the viewer were sitting with their back against the wall. There were no windows, and everything was bathed in purple and blue shadow, like a bruise. It was a claustrophobic painting. It was a haunting painting. It reminded Machi of broken and bloody things.

“I suppose you don’t want to talk about this one either?” Machi said.

“It speaks for itself,” Rin said, half-snarl, half crack in her voice.

“I think it’s powerful,” Machi said.

Rin hesitated. “I keep getting drawn back. No matter how far I get from that place and those people. And it’s not all bad. Haru…well, it’s not important. Sometimes I feel like I’m the last person left who wants to talk about the way it was,” she said.

Machi caught her breath.

She thought of the first nights alone in her old apartment. Every sound in the building spooked her and she didn’t talk to anyone. She bought all her food at stores with self-checkouts and mumbled when she was called on in class. She didn’t realize how lonely it all was until her vocal chords were constricting. That’s what Rin’s art reminded her of: someplace where loneliness was heavy like a blanket, and so encompassing you forgot it was there.

“Why did you want to go to art school?” Machi said. It was her most daring question of the night, and sounded almost mean.

“Why did you want to move in here?” Rin said.

“I thought it would be good for me,” Machi said.

Rin gestured down to the canvases.

“Yeah,” she said. “I thought this would be good for me too.”

[zuperarse]

FASHION ME

Hello, I am not your typical 18-year-old who lives a life full of adrenaline and hormones; what you expect from a normal 18-year-old is everything that I am resilient to as far as my upbringing was concerned, we had a lot of creative juices flowing here and there in our home, my dad used to paint a lot (he still does, but now only once in a blue moon), and he used to take these free art classes every weekend, but he never taught me how to draw or paint, and here we go on a journey to become the best artist in the world, yes yes the competitive spirit was always there.,  It has been since I was a little boy. I used to go to the railway station every weekend and just sit there for hours because for some reason trains were attractive to me. And on the way back home, we always purchased these magazines called champak and chacha chaudhary. Later, when I came back home from those trips, I would try desperately to recreate everything that had caught my eye on paper. These sketches were creative, as there were sheep shaped trains flying in the sky - but yeh this is how my journey started and now here we are at a very prestigious institute, but the only part which is troublesome, fashion is the main highlight here, i mean of course I read the admission form and it spelled fashion in loud letters but guess who's dumb enough, of course it has to be the guy who roam around in shorts and black t-shirts talking software, games and music everywhere he goes.

"All good things take time"

The imagination

THE CLASS OF FASHION BASICS

On the very first day of our fashion basics class, I was not very excited about attending because the word fashion itself made me want to run away. The class began with a brief introduction to the subject followed by a self-introduction by each student. In the beginning, I had a negative attitude towards the subject, thinking that this was not my thing and there would be no things to learn and absorb.

Just because I didn't like the subject I skipped a few classes after our first class (trust me, I barely knew anyone from the class)

The very first thing I did as my fb Assignment !

As the classes went on the MID term assignment came up which was to give a presentation about something that revolutionized the fashion world. PRESENTATION - the last thing I would do as my assignment, But there was no alternative to this. It was the D-Day, the classmates started presenting and some of them were flawless, which made me super anxious about the “super minimal” presentation I came up with, but somehow I convinced myself that it's just a presentation, “ez pz lemon squeezy” . It was my turn, with all my fortitude I went in the front, calmed myself down, no expressions of fear or agitation on the face, dimmed the lights, set the mood, and started with my “AGLET” presentation, it went so smooth that half of the class never got to know when it started and ended, but then came the “AGLET SONG” from phineas and ferb, that stirred the whole mood and it ended on a super good note (though the wifi was terrible). Now there were two things I learnt, first: I need to improve my speech delivery and make the things a “lil” bit more formal, second: YES, I can present anything from an aglet to an airplane. The class which I thought to be boring and tiresome, somehow boosted my confidence like crazy. I started attending the classes more regularly after this experience and with a positive attitude to learn and absorb as much as I can. ( I used to doodle most of the time, though I used to listen and contemplate everything that the professor was instructing and teaching ).

The aglet presentation !

NEW DAY, NEW ME !

During the first few months, it was like being on an emotional and mental rollercoaster. Although it took me a very short time to absorb and work on it, eventually I got the hang of it. It was difficult to make friends, interact with people, and complete group assignments. As time passed, everything became easier to handle, with each passing day after class, my confidence meter went up by a point. The change in attitude introduced me to Become a new and better self that is bolder, unafraid, and eager to learn.

Fashion sinking in !

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT

It was an ordinary day, but it was about to get terrifying, the professor started Introducing the End-Term Module, it began with a presentation, and here I am After all those presentations and group activities, I was super happy and relaxed In the previous classes, we completed assignments, but there was a catch: The presentation will be given while wearing something that has been worn in our native regions". Things leveled up too fast for me. It was really hard for me to believe that this was happening in real life. As someone who has no clothes of any color, it was extremely difficult to come up with a good outfit. And I thought the dhoti and pagdi would only help me break my comfort zone. That's when I realized that I had never worn them in my 18 years of existence! We were trying to tie that monstrous piece of cloth together, but we managed and I walked into the room boldly wearing an adidas jersey and a dhoti-pagdi combination (modern tribe indeed because the kurta I tried on didn't fit me). It was scary at first because I felt like the whole group was ignoring me until the end of my presentation. But after all, this experience helped me out a lot by getting me out of my comfort zone. Now I felt like an outsider who could wear anything - even if you have nothing but a dhoti and pagdi - to save the world with confidence (though at the time I had no superpower except for my dhoti-pagdi). The whole experience really opened up possibilities for myself, and it helped me find new things about myself.

The Final call !

SUMMERZING THE PAST FEW MONTHS

Now that I have taken all those classes, I truly understand the basics of fashion, enough to carry me throughout the industry without getting bullied on basic fashion awareness, and with a highly confident attitude, ready to speak and present wherever and whatever comes my way, as well as an increased ability to identify and analyze fashion and general trends, despite the limited hours, but the knowledge it provided will help me break the barriers and do things the fashion way!

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i tried not to write a post about this but anyway here we go. so last night, on my fb watch feed, i decided to watch this irritating entrepreneur girl who was easily like 22 or so, try to give life advice about “how to be an entrepreneur!!” and “how to be rich like me by 22!!!” here’s some of the worst advice she had:

(1.) every millionaire/billionaire has several streams of income. for example i have my music/YT channel, my 8 businesses, my sponsorship deals, my several online classes that i teach on how to become a millionaire by 22!!! my upcoming ventures and art!!! my house, the condo that i rent out and stocks!!! so all up i have about 7 streams of income and if you don’t have my mindset you’re just weak and will never survive in this world 😊!

(2.) always work for free!!! bc you’re useless without experience. for example most of my first YT videos i did with brands were done for free. always take free/unpaid internships or work experience, and don’t think you have to get paid for everything!! get off of your high horse of self righteousness and work like a minion for free to build your portfolio so people will learn to take you seriously!!! because if you always expect to get paid, no one will take you seriously even with a portfolio. (remember: all of this will make you humble for your forced efforts of labour and capital! be grateful that they even took you on 😊!)

(3.) remember we all have the same 24 hours in a day as beyoncé!!! remember it’s all in your mindset!!! use all 24 hours to constantly level up. always believe in the laws of attraction so always have vision boards ready!!!

(4.) ok not to stop being cutesy and feel good (😊🥰) but always have a great therapist and life coach on hand when your mental health goes down hill!!! trust me, i used to be like “i’m all happy go lucky all the time!!! i’m a ray of sunlight!!” but y’all i was lying and i know y’all are too!! always have a therapist/life coach to get you away from your negative thought spirals!!!

(5.) any friend who doesn’t support your streams of income or your business goals which should always involve girlbossing far too close to the sun… cut them out *snip snip* of your life…. so that you can afford the cutting out of toxic and unsupportive people out of your life to only have unwavering support always in your circle! just have a completely relentless drive to build income for yourself!!! no matter how many bridges you burn and friends you sever from your immediate circle!!!

and there was so much else. but good god. it was just awful and i have no idea why i thought it was a good idea to watch this train wreck of a money advice video from an already rich and overly privileged early 20 something YTer. and luckily no one was taking her advice seriously…. since she was so young and was SO VERY OBVIOUSLY coming from a place of immense privilege and comfort. like ok. the therapist advice is good advice, if only therapy was actually affordable to everyone in the US (bc yes this girl was american). but even as an aussie, therapy isn’t that affordable either, and especially while job-searching on the aussie job seeking social security payment. my old therapist has closed her books bc of the pandemic, and i’m kind of like iffy i guess with the idea of therapist trialling/shopping, besides the point that i actually don’t have much time or money for it either.

like obvs i am defs not her target audience, being poor and all. but like what the fuck. who the fuck wants to waste their time with 7 streams of income and just caring about business ventures and always severing friends who “don’t serve you and your dreams and business visions” at every step of the way???? what a fucking atrocious way to live your life: only relentlessly caring about how much money you make every second of the day at such a young age. bc like this girl is 21 or 22… where the fuck are her breaks from all her supposed “work” and “business ventures” and “streams of income” and her “mindset”???? what the fuck.

bc where the fuck are her friends for fun and frivolous brunch dates??? for deep talks and heartfelt shit when or if her life goes up in flames or ends up in tatters after one (1) wrong social media move that gets her cancelled forever???? because let me tell you now, josie, it sure as fuck won’t be your precious buddy-buddy business opportunist/venture capitalist sponsors and investors. bc they’ll all drop you like a fucking hot potato if you do something terrible or slip up even the tiniest bit. bc no one wants to clean up that PR etc nightmare.

i liked that everyone was calling her incredibly short sighted and clueless in the comments on the video, in regards to her comments about “always work for free to build your resume and to prove yourself as worthy to everyone!“ and the dreaded bullshit of “we all have the same 24 hours in a day, so what on earth is stopping you from having 10 streams of income and working yourself to death????” oh that’s right! your mindset! if you always have a bad mindset of “i’ll never achieve anything feel sorry for me and my business dreams!” you don’t deserve to be successful. and that’s that! stop lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself and your mindset will improve!!!” i love how everyone in the comments was pointing out that this sounds/sounded incredibly MLM-y/ish. bc this is the exact type of toxic bullshit that people say MLM people use to pull them into selling their snake oil bullshit.

like. i absolutely will not work for free josie. no one should be expected to do that now in a global pandemic. i deserve pay for wasting my time doing a spreadsheet for a boutique marketing firm in sydney during an internship, no matter how long it is. or if it’s not something in marketing, i deserve to get paid a full fair wage for working in retail or food, since apparently that’s all i’m good for, even with a marketing advanced diploma and 2 degrees but no “solid professional job experience”. i do not want your absolutely bullshit mindset advice in your completely and utterly vapid and self-aggrandising courses about “how to be a millionaire/billionaire by 21 💸💵💰💳💲💲🤑🤑🤩👸🏻💎!!” when i know that you’re probably already from some type of very privileged background anyway, being a spoilt YTer already. i am NOT making excuses for wanting to be treated fairly and paid accordingly. and nor is anyone else today, in the hellscape that is the “competitive job market”, no matter what country you live in and also the pandemic et al.

also, for everyone who has to pay rent and pay gas/electricity and water etc etc etc bills, how the fuck are they going to pay for all of that if “oh work for free and for vibes and proper mindset building!”….. all of which don’t pay fucking jack shit in real life. vision boards only work for rich people who can then claim it was “the attraction pull of the universe and fate and manifest destiny!” instead of them realistically paying hundreds if not thousands or millions of dollars for sponsorship deals by negotiating contracts or whatever else. the “universe” and “fate” barely ever work in favour of the working class and the poor. bc no law of attraction is going to give me a paid traineeship, all because i manifested my destiny onto some shitty but aesthetically pleasing vision board with inspirational quotes on my bedroom wall. btw how the hell are you paying the rent and bills on your house and your rented out condo???? because i’m sure as fuck that it isn’t through manifest destiny and the universe aligning correctly with your specific business goals, is it??? it’s either your parents money or possibly yours.

she did have an obvious piece of advice that you see all the time, of “have a savings only acc that you can’t touch to really save your money!” but as i said above, when the cost of living is going up globally because of the pandemic, how the fuck is anyone able to save money anyway???? like i’m even finding it hard living at home on social security (given my pay is only $630 a fortnight, and this girl was talking like apparently $20,000 a month from her “7 streams of income” or some shit- so that’s already VASTLY out of touch with everyone in the comments watching the video). but also, as mentioned above, josie, how the fuck am i meant to save money if you’re spinning the bs of “always work for free!”…. like are my savings coming from my vision board???? from the severed ties of all the friends (or haters) that don’t support my streams of income and “girlboss goals”??? from my stupidly expensive life coach from linkedin???

just. it was one of the worst things i’ve ever watched tbh. and it shows just how incredibly fucking toxic hustle/grind/productivity culture along with toxic positivity and the bs spiels about vision boards and “manifest destiny” are to these grind all day people; but also to society at large. because why the fuck don’t i deserve a rest and friends that are for silly or frivolous things??? because who the fuck will be around when i have my inevitable mental breakdown and burnout bc i overwork myself every day of my life??? just my therapist??? wow that’s helpful. when i only see them once a week or a month or even once every few months, bc they’re regularly booked out.

and what about the people who can’t get access to therapists bc they’ve shut their books bc of the influx of patients during the…. uh *checks smudged writing on hand* worldwide pandemic??? what then, josie??? what then??? bc i don’t care how much of a “lone wolf *insert myers briggs personality type here*” or “over-competitive anal perfectionist” you are, or someone else is, josie. because you (or someone else) NEED/S REAL FRIENDS FOR REAL LIFE PROBLEMS. not just girlboss business besties and your therapist/life coach in your little “girlboss bitch queen pack ✌🏻🙌🏻👍🏻💪🏻👏🏻✨✨💃🏻💅🏻👩🏻‍💻👩🏻‍💼📈” social media and real life echo chamber, as if you’re like a mean girls regina george social media business maven/guru.

and also, why does everything have to apparently judged by my constant output for income??? what the actual fuck. i am not a machine josie (whatever the fuck her name was i don’t care). i will not sever ties with friends bc some bullshit concept of manifest destiny and my vision board for 10 businesses that i must have by like 25 told me so.

okay yeah, as part of the generation who watched way too many eps of teen cribs/cribs on mtv and way too much E! celeb channel bc of the kardashians (*cough, cough; nudge, nudge; wink, wink* kylie jenner is a self made billionaire *repeat above*), i DID want to be a millionaire or just generally rich when i was a kid. but holy fucking hell. if being rich means only having friends that continually serve your business needs and vision boards and “always work for free because you’re spoilt rotten if you think you deserve any compensation for your time and work, most especially when you’re starting out!” then count me the fuck out, actually.

[willow-salix]

This is going to be out of the blue and there's no need for a response to it, but I guess I feel like some of you deserve to get a peek behind my armour.

Facebook just gave me a memory from 7 years ago, showing me an album that I'd rather not see quite honestly, but you know when you're just drawn in even though you know it's against your better judgement? Yep, that was me just now.

The album is full of screenshots of the absolute shit ton of crap that I've had on the Internet over the years.

I was in the RP world for ten years, and in that time I was verbally and mentally attacked a lot, I was mentally abused, I was stalked, I was blamed for things I never did, I was used as a scapegoat for things I never did. I was the victim of unwarranted attacks that had my accounts deleted by fb so that I lost YEARS of writing.

I got my heart broken over and over again by people that claimed tk be my friends, people that claimed to love me but that were all too happy to dump me the second a better option came along. People that I sat up all night with, that I lost sleep over, that I went out of my way to help and support.

Some of them lied to me so throughly that they lied about who they were, where they lived, their job, their gender, their nationality, what other characters /accounts they had and everything else you could think of for over TWO years.

I've had one that claimed to be my best friend, sit on my couch, my actual couch, in my house and lie to my face. Lie to me and his long term partner and mother of his three kids that he wasnt cheating with a cheap bitch he met online (the third person he'd done it with I found out after) I only found out about her when she messaged me to tell me.

I stopped talking to him, after their friends started a smear campaign against me, and even then EVEN THEN, I talked it out and started talking to him again. But he turned it around and started blaming me and guilt tripping me again. So I cut him off. He stalked me. Like messaging my friend, posting things to me (actual letters through the mail) making new accounts to message me, buying new phone sims to call me. This was 6 years ago. He called me at the start of lockdown and left a message on my voicemail.

This man mentally abused me. He'd force me to talk to him when I had a problem and then he'd not like what I said, so he'd go silent and ignore me for up to three days, to the point that I'd worked myself up so much that I was apologising, that I was taking the blame for having feelings, only when he got that would he talk to me.

He was an alcoholic who worked in care if you can believe that, I supported him through him getting sober again, he still did all that to me.

I gave up on role play and let my character, my home, the one place I felt comfortable and safe, up. And I didn't go back for two years. I got talked around by someone, they made promises, I stupidly fell for it.

I then got used to bring their character back and to help them sort out storylines. I was then told they didn't want to work with me anymore because they had too much going on in their personal life, they blocked me and I then got screenshots that that had another writing partner already.

That broke me. That broke me and fandom and people and everything really.

I vowed never to go back.

Then I stumbled upon you lot. And I told myself not to get involved, not to start talking to anyone, not to start trusting again. Now look! Now bloody look!

I'm what... 500k + in a story that was never meant to be, I'm actually writing and collabing with people again and I have a character that I adore and feel just as comfortable with... And that is fucking scary.

It's sooooo scary. Like terrifying scary to me.

Because I'm having to trust again. Selene is like public property now, and I love how much everyone has accepted and adopted her and how they use her and write her too, that warms this cold, dead, suspicious heart of mine.

Because I can honestly say that Selene and John saved me and my sanity.

I am quite a sociable person, I love to chat to people and if I'm your friend I will go out of my way to do my best for you, to be there for you and to support you in every way I can. But I know I can be used and I dotn always see the bad in people. So I cut myself off and refused to allow myself to make friends again.

I was writing my novels and that was it. No interaction, no fun really. Then this loud mouthed witch blazed into my head, took one look at the spaceman and said "that one, he's mine, wrap him up I'll take him to go" and here she is.

They made writing fun again, they made it spontaneous and exciting, I suddenly had ideas again, people to talk to about the characters I love and it was hard. Because it was also good.

I had to trust the process, trust Selene.

But I'm also so wary. I'm wary that I'm gonna piss people off, that I'm going to annoy people with her and that people hate her. I know people don't like OCs' and I get major anxiety about that.

I've never had this amount of anxiety over stories before, never. Not my rp, not my novels, not the ones I did for class or competitions, nothing. This is singularly the most stressful writing I've ever done. Because these boys, they mean the world to me, they always have. They have always been my happy place since I was 5/6, they have always been my heart and home.

The problems I had in rp made me not like the books that I loved, the fandom I was in, because of peoples interpretations of the characters, the way they played them and the fact that they were so nasty to me. And I really really don't want that to happen here.

A few weeks ago I noticed that an account had bene set up that was clearly a piss take of me, of this account. And all the old fears and anxiety came rushing back. I instantly went running to Squiddy and Olliepig and basically tumbled around the group chat in a mess for a few minutes before I calmed down and realised what was going on and had a guess at who it could be.

But it's scary. Because I've been stalked, I've been badmouthed, I've had people make fake accounts of me to cause trouble, and it weighs on me.

Willow Salix is my author name, I had to choose that because my Pagan name (which I was writing under and still do on ff and a03) was too well known and my stalkers were reporting it every time I made a new account.

I had to come to love this name, come to see it as myself (willow is my actual real name btw) and feel comfortable with it. It's taken a long time, I've built my brand from it. I have five novels out under it. And to think of someone having an account with even a parody of that name gave me all sorts of chills.

I'm OK now, but yeah. Fun times.

So I guess... I just want people to talk to me. And I don't mean shine by ego lol, I mean that if I ever do anything to piss you off. If I ever say anything you don't like. If I ever annoy you with Selene or anything at all, PLEASE just come and talk to me.

I might put on a tough mask, and in general I am pretty hardy, but I'm a typical cancerian, hard outer shell, squishy inside.

Selene is my sanity in a home life that is far from easy, I won't go into major details but disabled husband, I'm a full time carer, he's majorly depressed and it's just... Yeah. Anyway, she's my refuge, she's my escape right now.

Actually making a side blog for her took so much guts, to allow her free rein to speak and act is scary as heck for me. Because I've been there and vowed to never go back.

The only good thing I took out of all my years of rp, apart from being able to make up a story pretty much on the spot, spontaneous replies, dialogue skills and character development, is my best friend in all the world @endellionaeternus who has seen it all and stuck by me through it all.

I have no real idea why I just typed all this, I guess I needed people to see where I'm coming from, and why Selene exists.

Yeah...

[siswritesyanderes]

This is a series of asks bc, while I do LIKE all the charas of Fantastic Beasts individually, much of the romantic pairings dont sit well with me. By that mean the messy love polygon w Newt & I think I finally figured out why & I'd like another's opinion on it. For starters, Newt's attraction with Tina is too fast for me considering he was friends w Leta, got expelled out of Hogwarts for Leta, carried Leta's photo in his case, & basically loved her for YEARS. But this is all undone by a [1]

jaunt in NY having met a woman, who he admittedly went on a huge adventure w, over the course of maybe a few weeks. He's so taken w her she replaces Leta's photo w her own &, after refusing to go to Paris for Dumbledore, leaves immediately once he finds out she's there. I just find this unbelievable. I can rationalize it from Newt's perspective where Tina is a fresh breeze sweeping into his life on (percieved) unrequited pining, but this is my conjecture based on my understanding of Newt. [2]

The audience shouldnt be left to rationalize endgame couple of the mc on their own. & the whole thing w Leta is so messily handled I dont think they can save it even if they bring her back in FB3. How she feels for Newt vs Theseus & unresolved lingering affection, etc. She & Newt were SO important to each other & we SEE that & they dont HAVE to get together, but they need proper resolution bc they have actual history between them. God Leta in general deserved so much better. [3]

But my main gripe is that this love polygon serves no purpose to what I believe is the main selling point of FB: the world. HP having love stories makes sense bc we're following the story of a boy as he goes through adolescence & his journey through that via school is part of that, which is why the romance feels fitting. It's a very personal story. FB on the otherhand is the best peak we have at the wider wizarding world beyond school. HP introduces the world of magic, but FB rlly expands it [4]

To that end Jakob & Queenie's relationship is the only one I find myself liking, bc it's deeply tied to the world setting, the series' biggest selling point (in my opinion, should have said this earlier). It underscores the attitudes of the period & the conflict they face feels suitably substantial & not like filler. There's a moral question between them of are they worth it? And how far should they go to be together?

Imma be real hear & say FB2 was rlly Queenie's movie & they should have been ballsy & just make Queenie the mc for FB2, bc her story was actually considerably more important to the overall development of the story than Newt's, which mostly came off as a rushed & a tad clichè soap drama. & making it about Queenie I think builds more room for good conflict & independent narrative for Tina that would serve her chara better. [5? 6?]

If I bad to be REAL ballsy, I'd say my big issue w/ the relationships in the FB series & how it enhances or impedes the main story & what I believe to be it's biggest attracter (the setting) could have been solved if they made Newt's romantic interest a muggle. It attaches a deeper meaning & relevance to them & the story so it felt more deeply that they truly moved WITH the narrative rather than beside it but I guess Im just picky. Thx for putting up w this! [Final]

(My response below the cut.)

Yeah, pretty much all of this is right.

Regarding the Tina thing, it was definitely rushed, especially since there was literally nothing romantic between them in the whole first movie, except maybe the end part where they're stumbling over their words. Despite knowing how movies work and knowing that they were the male and female lead, I still found that completely out of left field, because they don't really share any interests and I didn't feel like they felt anything in particular for each other before that. She really wants to be an auror and feels really intensely about it; he just wants to travel the world and write about magical creatures and take care of them. I don't see a lot of compatibility there, and the movie didn't really do anything to reconcile that gap.

Jacob and Queenie made sense, because they actually sowed some seeds for it. It's not even about the fact that they both like to cook; they showed an interest in each other throughout. They noticeably like each other. Newt and Tina never really had that, to me, so it was bizarre for her to become his primary motivation in the second movie.

Queenie's trajectory in movie 2 overall bothers me, so while I agree it would have been better if they'd centered it more around her, I definitely think they needed to drastically rewrite pretty much everything she did. Enchanting Jacob at the beginning never sat well with me; I usually only have to say this in the Descendants fandom, but if one half of the ship is magical and the other half isn't, we can't have the magical one enchanting the non-magical one for romantic reasons without addressing what a violation of trust that is. Like, Jacob would be justified for never trusting her again, over that. Also, the fact that she apparently holds it against people if they think bad things about her is not something I would expect from someone who has been a Legilimens as long as she has, and not a detail I like, at all. Especially since it was used to give her justification to be mad at Jacob after she enchanted him in the first place. I find it sad, because Queenie was definitely my favorite character in the first movie. (Also, joining Grindelwald was a nonsensical thing to do. I can only assume she's there to spy on him or something, because it makes literally no sense.)

As for Leta, I really don't like how that was approached. First of all, I don't like how their mention of her in the first movie was "She was a taker; you need a giver," because once we actually met the character, that only made me resent Queenie for representing her that way. Leta deserved better in pretty much every way, and they definitely shouldn't have killed her off like that. I find the whole situation really iffy from a racial standpoint. The first black character to be written three-dimensionally in all of HP lore, and they make sure to preemptively tell the audience that she's a "taker", kill her in the same movie we meet her, and manage to trivialize her death by turning it into a little "Who was she saying 'I love you' to?" mystery. I like her relationship with Newt and Theseus, and I'd definitely want to see more of it.

Yes, it definitely would have been better, thematically, if they'd made the love interest a Muggle. (I'd honestly say they should've paired Newt with Jacob, but I know they're unwilling to do that. That would be kind of cool, though, to see the movie shaping up with two male characters and two female characters and have the men end up with each other and the women just live their lives as humans.)

With the story they ended up telling, though, I don't think that is needed; since Queenie is already dealing with the wizard/Muggle storyline, Newt could have a different conflict. Maybe his love interest should be a werewolf or something, to tie in the wizarding world's unresolved dislike for "half-breeds". And if he were in a relationship with someone already regarded as a creature, the wider wizarding world might take a different view to his studies and look down on him a lot more. Idk, a thought.

And then, with Leta/Theseus and Grindelwald/Dumbledore (if they were willing to actually deal with that), they'd pretty much hit every controversial beat they've got: wizard/Muggle, wizard/"half-breed", interracial, homosexual. Credence and Nagini are both creatures, kind of, but I still like them together, so their relationship doesn't have to tie into any theme; it just has to be developed way more.

On the whole, Crimes of Grindelwald felt like they skipped a movie. It feels like they needed a middle installment to make these relationships happen, instead of jumping from "Do Newt and Tina maybe have feelings for each other?" to "Newt loves Tina and Tina is possessive enough of Newt to be outwardly upset with him when she thinks he's engaged to someone else," and creating a whole relationship between Credence and Nagini that we see none of.

The fact that Queenie and Jacob were done well in the first movie gives me a fair amount of goodwill for them, but that goodwill only offers enough cushioning from the botching that movie 2 did that I'm near-indifferent to the ship, now, instead of actively opposed. I'd like to see things improved, but as it currently stands, I'd be just as happy seeing them end up not together as together. The fact that Leta's relationships with Newt and Theseus were more interesting than any of the aforementioned makes it that much more ridiculous that they killed her. What ship am I supposed to care about how? If I can't go into the next movie delusionally hoping Newt and Leta will get some moments, or enjoying the Theseus and Leta content, then I'll just be sitting there waiting for Credence and Nagini to share a screen, and who knows when that'll happen?

[kyidyl]

but then again i also am a lot more anal about never reblogging from any of those types even if i think they mighr have changed, because ive been the target of terf harassment campaigns and dont trust anybody who isnt visibly shouting trans rights on their blog

Yah, no, that’s fair, especially if you are trans yourself. I wouldn’t want to spend lots of time exposing myself to misogynists and fat shamers, so I wouldn’t expect people to subject themselves to groups that hurt them either. But for myself, I am of the opinion that the only way to alleviate problems like this in the long term is by changing someone’s mind. And those slings and arrows aren’t meant for me, and so they don’t hurt. I have the privilege of being immune to the things they’re saying, so someone’s gotta be the meat shield, y’know? I saw a post one time that it isn’t just SJWs, it’s SJ healers, and SJ tanks, etc. it seemed apt to me. And I know peoples’ minds can be changed via exposure.

I mean…mine was. I was raised Mormon. My parents are very conservative. And there was a time when I thought being gay was wrong, or that being trans was wrong. And the key here is that it wasn’t because I was an asshole, but because I didn’t know any LGBTQ+ people. I started questioning these beliefs when I started to have some LGBTQ+ people in my life. I remember the first visibly trans person I ever met. I remember everything about her, including her name. I remember that my first thought on seeing her was that she was wearing a costume, trying to be funny. I never TREATED her that way bc I’m not a bully, but I had those thoughts. I wish I knew then what I knew now bc I was her boss, and if 24 year old me knew what 41 year old me knows, things would have gone a lot differently. I would have fought harder for her and done more to make her comfortable. I think about her and it hurts me that the basic human decency I showed her by just, y’know, not being a dick made her feel like I was the only safe person in the building. Bc it was my desk she turned up at, crying, after a group of boys took it upon themselves to bully her. She wasn’t even on my team anymore. And by that point I’d known her long enough that I didn’t think of her as funny or a costume, she was just…herself. Anyway, if you’re curious about what the consequences were…I was pissed, and I went to their boss - my former boss - and read him the riot act. His whole team was dragged into a conference room, dressed down by him (he was a former navy seal, so he channeled that for the event.), and forced to individually apologize to her. To me tho that’s not consequences, that’s a minor annoyance. They should have been written up, fired, etc. But as a 24 year old who had only this single trans person as my exposure to trans people…idk I just hadn’t come far enough. Sorry to wax on about her, it’s late and I think about her fairly regularly.

On the flip side, I had a former friend unfriend and block me on fb specifically bc she felt I wasn’t a safe person for a trans person to be around. I don’t know why she felt that way or what I said, and I couldn’t ask her bc she sent me the note and then took the action, but tbh that’s her right. I wasn’t mad about it then and I’m not mad about it now. She’s not obligated to stick around while I learn and grow. I’m not gonna stop trying to be better just because I met one person at the wrong time.

So…I guess my point is that I’ve had a lot of experiences that have led me to a place where I think that the resolution to a lot of our ills as a society is via contact and since I can emotionally handle it, I do it. I’ve always been a little like this, tbh. Ive literally seen friends change for the better bc of my influence, and straight up been told that I’m a good influence on a given person. And something like shimigami eyes - where people can report other people for pretty much whatever - does not really seem like something that would gel with me. Tumblr can be a very black and white place. And, don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of *concepts* that are black and white. Nazis should be punched, TERFS and SERFS are philosophies that I absolutely do not agree with. But people are not black and white. They’re complex and changeable. And so, for myself, I tend not to write people off. Not because I value their shit philosophies but bc teaching is a task that I can take on, so I try to do it.

Ugh…sorry for all the words. It’s late and I’m like 99% sure I’m not expressing this properly so I’m doing the ADHD word vomit thing. It is what it is. Trans people are great, nazis are shit, but I’m never gonna trust Shimigami eyes. Now I’m gonna try to sleep, lol.

[pocmuzings]

A GUIDE BARELY ANYBODY ASKED FOR: writing smut foreplay 101.

NOTE: every body is different. every person likes different things, and reacts different ways. i’m writing from my various personal experiences as a Self Assigned Hoe, also the self titled Smut Queen of the rpc. NONE OF THIS IS DEFINITIVE. if you’re unsure- ask your writing partner first. always.

pls be warned this is quite nsfw and straight up Filth. it also is written from my perspective as a cis-gender, pansexual woman.

IMPORTANT OOC STUFF:

always, always keep communication to your rp partner open. consent is sexy. especially with writing.

gauge the mood. if you suggest something to your writing partner and they just say ‘yeah’ or ‘ok’... don’t take it as 100% go ahead. sometimes people, especially in the rpc, will say yes just because they don’t know how to say no. an ENTHUSIASTIC YES is really really good and necessary!!!

vice versa, make sure you tell your partner if you’re not comfortable with something. if you said yes to begin with to writing a scene, but slowly u start feeling uncomfortable and weird... guess what? U CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND!!! I GUARANTEE U NOBODY WILL BE MAD! IF THEY ARE- DUMP THEM AS A WRITING PARTNER!  change your mind whenever u want, about whatever u want. writing is meant for u. its meant for u to be comfortable. ur lil safe kinky space, if u so wish it to be!

talk to ur partner. be their pal. be their fwend. writing smut can escalate v quickly, and if ur not an active talker to ur writing partner, then sometimes things can get misconstrued, or uncomfortable. even if it’s just a check in like ‘HEY HOW WAS UR DAY’ or ‘is what im writing ok????? i love when ur character does ___’ or idk. just be comfortable and friendly!!!

u don’t have to write paragraphs and paragraphs of smut. just.. give a lil detail though. give a lil smth to ur writing partner. like any other reply, just writing one sentence is not really enough for another writer to reply to.

GENERAL SEX TIPS THAT I’VE PICKED UP THAT HELP ME WITH WRITING:

anal is super popular and super wanted atm. i’m not going to say it’s a ‘trend’, bc it’s not really. but it’s definitely becoming more and more mainstream. this DOESN’T MEAN u have to do it / write it, but just know that most ppl atm are on the butt train (yahoo!). so.. yeah, expect anal to be a ~written abt thing or Wanted thing

other ‘popular’ kinks i’ve noticed atm (through fb groups im part of and just friends in general) are choking, and spanking. but this is NOT everybody’s kink. just bc it’s ‘popular’ doesn’t mean its right for ur character. kinky, rough sex is becoming more mainstream i’ve noticed.

a handjob is like.... not ever super wanted. it’s a handjob. it’s not the greatest thing in the world. as far as sexy things go, this is basic tier. a handjob is better than nothing, but i don’t rlly know anybody who actively wants a handjob.

same with fingering- look, fingering is fine, and it can get things in motion, but it’s really hard to orgasm from fingering. i’d say borderline impossible, but this is just from me (and, again, the gals in my lives) experience. fingering is GOOD as a beginning saucy movement, just like a handjob is good to begin with.. but climaxing from it is not Super Likely.

cum is messy and gets everywhere. everywhere. 

pre-cum is a thing. discharge is a thing. women getting wet is a thing. it’lll happen. it’s messy. it’s a lot sometimes, and it’s really.. slick (idk how else to explain it, but it helps with the MOVEMENT of things greatly). it’s good to write abt bc guess what? it means somebody is turned on! this is GOOD

look a ‘tight vagina’ or whatever u wanna call it, is not a Good Thing, bc it means a person isn’t turned on enough / wet enough

when writing basically anything about genitalia... use spit. oh my god use so much spit. be disgusting with how much spit is there, bc u need that as LUBE (unless ur writing ur characters using lube!!!)

write vocal characters. in my experience, nobody is ever 100% quiet during sexy times. if ur character is being touched in a way they like, trust me- they’ll be moaning. they’ll be rocking their hips. they’ll be whispering more, more, more, yeah, like that etc.

if writing rough sex, have a safe word for the characters ic. practice safe sex even with writing! safe words are rlly good bc they also actually help create a safe ooc environment too!! that way, if somebody doesnt want to say smth ooc, they can say it ic, and hopefully feel more comfortable 

write realistic sex. pls. write about the awkward noises. or the accidental wrong movement. or the laughing. sex isn’t always magnificent and beautiful. it’s clumsy and silly. and it’s fun to write it that way, bc.. look, smut is meant to be fun! so make it fun! write it as fun and silly and goofy as u want!!!!

yes cis-men have the prostate and its located in the butthole fdnjkfjkndf. but u can’t write ur character just shoving a finger in a butt. characters, just like people ooc, need to maintain communication before trying anything ‘new’ like that. safe sex everyone!!!

don’t go straight to what’s between the legs. neck kisses. nipples. breasts, back scratch, dirty talk... this is all VERY IMPORTANT to foreplay. don’t ever use write ur characters diving on in, especially not to female muses bc female bodies work v differently. we need waRMING UP! we need a lil teasing.

write hand movement! write where your characters hands are. are they carded through hair? are they gripping sheets? are they clawing at someone’s back? digging into scalps? hands are ALWAYS doing something.

writing about shaving / hair down there is not super necessary, but u do u.

involuntary noises / movements happen a lot when smth is GOOD during foreplay. gasps. moans. cries. hips jolting. mouth falling open. 

foreplay is so SO important before sex. in real life, and in smut. if i write with someone and they go STRAIGHT to writing sex, no foreplay, im like ... hewwo ?? this just isn’t realistic, and my coochie clenches. 

when writing... make ur characters ask the dumb qs u’d probably ask real life. ‘should i get a condom?’ ‘are you on anything?’ ‘did that hurt?’  ‘can i cum in you?’ ffjnkf u get what i mean? i hope.

cis men do cum pretty quickly, especially compared to women. 

showers are fine for sexy times, but WATER is NOT lubricant.

READ FAN FICTION. there’s some really really good fan fiction out there, and it actually does help with ur own writing 

if a character likes something and says ‘yeah’ or ‘like that’... that doesn’t mean necessarily to write another character ‘speeding up’ or getting rougher. if somebody likes something ‘like that’, then keep it ‘like that’, or pick up the pace a little as encouragement. 

WRITING HAND JOBS / FINGERING:

finger movement on the outside of a vagina is just as important as finger movement on the inside. sometimes it can be more important, bc some people are more sensitive on the outside. (i’m not using technical terms bc nothing abt this post is technical or medical lmao)

if u don’t use lube or spit on ur hand when giving a penis a handjob.. it’ll probably hurt the person a little and be rough and not very Easy on either party

a handjob can be pretty fuckin awkward (i’ve been told + found personally). it’s just two people lying / sitting there, with one hand uncomfortably angled to jack off another person. it’s probably the most silent of all foreplay things which is why every person i know (female, male, cis, non cis) hate handjobs. 

ur hand and fingers might cramp a little if ur fingering a female, and the movements might get a little clumsy, but thats OKAY TOO!!! 

the angle of ur hand when fingering is important. if ur just shoving it down some pants/  trousers, it doesn’t leave a lot of movement so it won’t be super Great. under a skirt, or better yet- naked, makes things a LOT easier bc u have more Room.

write about the fingers. write about them moving up and down. don’t just rub them over the clit, or have them inside a vagina. that’s not exactly how it works. we need some pressure. we need a little rub. mainly near the clitoris or on the actual clitoris itself

don’t ever start by writing fast movements. u gotta write about building a motion and speed. start slow, then speed it up. 

fingering: circular motions over near the clit slowly, then a liiiiittle faster. stroking motions up and down. moving up towards the clit properly, then back down and slowly inserting a finger. then pull the finger out. repeat. keep each movement slow and deliberate and teasing. fdjkndfbnjkdfjnk graphic, i know. but. i mean. that’s a good first foreplay move i’ve found ???

handjob: thumb over the tip first as a lil tease, then slowly roll your hand in a fist motion all the way down the length (keep ur arm in a ‘straight’ movement.) then back up. twist ur hand, especially near the tip. move a little faster if ur lubed up enough, and then u can even give a lil ball squeeze if ur feeling courageous. keep that movement going. the FASTER ur hand moves, the more close somebody will get to orgasm, bc for them it’s sometimes all abt friction. 

starting with fingering / a hand job is like the first step of a dance usually. start with hands and fingers, THEN rock on baby, to --

WRITING ORAL SEX:

as previously mentioned, use a LOT of spit or lube. slick that bitch up.

cis-women are never wet constantly. ever. in fact, u can get dry pretty quickly again, so it’s not uncommon to write abt somebody spitting ‘down there’, just like u’d spit on a penis when giving a blowjob. 

most cis-men like their balls being played with a lil. so.. dfjnknj write about balls. i know it can be awkward and weird and the word ‘BALLS’ is not sexy. just try mention some movement there. some playing, or squeezing, or whatever word u feel comfortable using. especially during blowjobs. it’s just a good thing to do if u don’t know what to do with ur hands. don’t go crazy and just grab balls really roughly. 

if ur writing about a blowjob on a penis, deepthroating is never gonna happen straight off the bat. u gotta warm up ur throat a little, get ur throat to relax inch by inch, and not gag a lot. i promise u can’t just shove a whole dick down ur throat, unless u have the gag reflex of a porn star.

BUT also. write gagging. gagging happens a lot with blowjobs. i’ve never blown a guy who hasn’t loved the sound of gagging / choking a little 

jaws ache from oral. it’s a lot of the same movements and exertion, and YEAH IT CAN HURT UR JAW

tongues are ur best friend. a tongue should definitely be mentioned when writing oral on ANYONE.

write about hands AND mouth when writing oral. (use fingers and tongue when writing about going down on a female, and use hand in a fist movement around penis, when writing a blowjob, bc gripping with ur hand what ur mouth can’t reach yet is a+)

when writing a blowjob, focus on balls, yes- but also mention the tip. it’s sensitive for most guys, so a lil swirl of the tongue, or a suck or whatever... that’s good usually!!!

when writing going down on a female- move the tongue a lot. over the clit. then back down. use ur whole damn mouth and get messy. some ppl have a sensitive clit and direct movement onto it can be a lil overwhelming / overstimulating / painful, so yes- clit is good, but it can also be a little too much for some ppl!

write about lips. when going down on someone, lips also create sensations. it’s not the same as TONGUE, obviously, but it’s still soft and warm and it’s definitely something u feel. 

if ur writing about eating a girl out: tongues can be soft and flat, or they can a little pointy when u tense them. alternating between these 2 movements can be rlly good and pleasurable. starting soft and flat near the clit is good, before moving down to stick ur tongue in a little, and move it / wiggle it. but trust me - most of the action should be SOFT especially near the clit, bc it’s sensitive.

if you’re writing about a blowjob: suction. and moving quickly. hollow out those cheeks, and write about the tongue moving as the mouth does. suck hard, but not like.... ur character isn’t a vaccuum cleaner. they should suck ‘eagerly’ or whatever, and use their hand and tongue to help them out. trust me ur jaw will lock / hurt, u cannot suck a dick for like an hour. 

if u deepthroat a penis enough, ur voice can get pretty fucked up sounding, but i’ve never had it last longer than the next day or so. it just sounds like u’ve got a cold / sore throat (and thats bc u do)

some people just don’t like oral. some people aren’t comfortable in their bodies and can’t get out of their minds when it comes to it- which is super understandable. it’s a very intimate, close thing, bc hello -somebody is staring at ur genitalia basically. so hey, if u don’t wanna write it / don’t like it, then that’s completely chill too!

you don’t have to write about ‘the taste’. in fact, it’s absolutely ok and i’d prefer if u don’t bc i personally think that gets a bit weird. u can mention there IS a taste, but u don’t have to get into particulars bc that can get kinda icky. like ... it’s genitalia. we all know it won’t taste like a peach or whatever.

cis-women orgasm from oral sex, i think sometimes more often than they orgasm from actual penetrative sex? this is based off things i’ve read, and again, my own experience. 

oral sex can take a loooong ass time to reach orgasm sometimes. it’s barely ever a two-reply-thread piece. it’s always gonna be longer then that, if ur writing it realistically. sometimes reaching climax during oral, for any gender, can take anywhere up to an hour ??? if we’re being generous ??? again, cis men are more likely to cum first, BUT good oral sex can be dragged on for a while, for anybody. 

WRITING ASS / ANAL STUFF:

im gonna say it straight up. yes. it kinda feels like pooping almost when somebody fingers ur butt. but in a weirdly.. good way. idk how to describe it. 

getting fingered in the ass is SLOW work.  a finger will NOT just go in, especially not DRY. u need saliva / lube. you need the other person to be relaxed, or breathing, and u need to coax them through it all.

u don’t really know whats going on back there if ur on the receiving end. like. u can’t TELL by feeling on what’s going on. real talk: a guy fingered me once and i thought it was two fingers, but it was 3, and then later- when he put his dick in it was fine as well bc he’d relaxed me and gotten me to feel rlly comfortable and Safe. so TRUST me thats important when writing butt stuff. i can’t stress it enough.

it feels Strained. like it isn’t necessarily painful the entire time, but u can FEEL very full. so yeah, nobody is gonna have a finger in their ass and then immediately be ready for another, or be bouncing back , knuckle deep. u need a lot of patience and time for this.

if ur a cis-female... butt stuff is Fine, but its not a way to achieve orgasm, bc honestly there’s nothing stimulating u. it feels nice and the Roughness can be a kink, but u probably won’t orgasm / cum from it

use a lot of spit and a LOT of lube

u can’t just shove a dick / multiple fingers in someones ass either. u gotta stretch it out. take ur time. it literally can take an hour + sometimes more to get someone relaxed and stretched out enough. the amount of spit / lube and fingering needed is ridiculous

when it comes to ass stuff- make sure ur character is BREATHING in order to relax their muscles. everytime they’re relaxed, everything moves easier (this just goes for sex stuff in general too!)

eating ass is a thing, and look- ur not meant to ‘douche’ regularly bc apparently it’s bad for u. so if ur writing abt anal / butt stuff, u do NOT need to write abt anything poopy related or any of the douching stuff. its a silent rule, just like in real life. we don’t talk abt it djknfgnkjd

honestly, the overall feeling of Butt Stuff is just one of being Full and a lil Stretched, and if ur into Pain / a very different feeling then it’s a Good Feeling bc it just is all abt trusting n putting ur body in someone else’s hands (and fingers)

getting ur ass eaten feels warmer / more pleasurable than fingers bc a tongue in general is just nicer and softer then fingers are. 

spread them cheeks, boys, girls and non gender conforming folk

if ur gonna touch a cis-girls ass with ur tongue or fingers or anything... pls make sure ur stimulating her clit at the same time. i promise that can make things speed up in terms of relaxation and pleasure v quickly.

always ask a cis-male before going near his ass (but also in general, always ask before doing anything), especially rlly Straight Dudes bc they get SUPER defensive abt their own ass being touched 

anal stuff can be GREAT for foreplay just bc it’s a bit risque and it’s a bit Rougher and Harder just bc it’s a tighter hole. so, honestly yeah a lil finger in the ass whilst being eaten out isn’t terrible, or being fingered there at the same time as being fingered elsewhere can  also feel pretty Spicy, depending on ur taste

for cis-men, butt stuff  can be a  VERY quick way to orgasm. especially if ur blowing them / stroking them at the same time

anal / ass stuff isn’t for everyone. don’t write it if ur not comfortable. don’t do it if ur not comfortable. 

WRITING AN ORGASM:

the body shakes, tenses, spasms and generally loses a little bit of control

ur grip turns very intense and Harsh

back arching is a Thing

hands yanking at hair is a Thing

for when a cis-man orgasms... it can happen quite suddenly, but it’ll be a little twitch, and u can FEEL them tense. fast movement is what usually gets them to orgasm Quicker, i’ve found. 

for everybody else, i feel like it can be harder to achieve orgasm, but when it happens- your legs get all tense and squeeze the SHIT out of the head between them, and u definitely make some noise. orgasm can just happen, and sometimes with women especially.. it’s kinda easier to fake orgasm bc there’s never truly a Way To Tell physically???? this could be entirely wrong, of course, but there’s SO MUCH discussion and research based on the female orgasm that i feel like i can’t write anything abt it here bc it’s SO different for everyone.

just follow the general rule: ‘you’ll know when it happens’. ‘you’ll know when you know’. 

orgasms won’t always happen. it can get CLOSE but not happen, and it’s not always some big disappointing, ‘blue-balls’ event. it happens, or it doesn’t. sometimes u can write amazing head, and the other character won’t cum, and u know what? that’s ok too.

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

Friendship Dissolutions; A Lesson in Asshole Trauma Reactions

So this is normally my school day, but I’m feeling the need to dig into something else this morning. The past events of this weekend, annnnd the past nearly two years. Because, if you  hadn’t heard, relationships are hard and I like to embarrass myself by telling you about all my fuck ups.

You know, romantic relationships are a disaster for yours truly, but I always thought I was pretty good at the friendship thing. Since high school I’ve almost always had robust friendly relationships - both in depth and breadth. With the exception of a few difficult points in my life since 16, my phone has never been quiet, my weekends have only been isolating when I’ve been isolating myself, and I’ve always felt like I had humans on my side who were closer to kin than my actual family.

The thing is, there have been periods when this hasn’t been the case. I want to say that it’s generally when I’m in my worst mental health downfalls, but I don’t think that’s universally true. There have been variable reasons for separating myself from other people, or vice versa. Sometimes getting too busy, sometimes naturally growing apart, sometimes getting too obsessed with a romantic partner.

But, taking a more analytical view, underlying my lost friendship events, trauma has often been one of the influences that corrupted my friendships and left me lonely, even if it doesn’t seem like it at face value. The thing is, the trail of breadcrumbs might go back 20 years or so. I might not have been in a full-blown trauma state at the time, but those early life non-learnings about relationships have left their mark. So, yes, I do believe that CPTSD is the prerequisite for interpersonal disruptions and we’re not alone in that.

Anyways, in this Fucker’s life, for the past almost 2 years I’ve been in one of those friendship lulls. I’ve had casual friends, roommates, work-associates, distant relationships, some of those hey-how’s-it-going-every-two-months relations. But I haven’t had those deep, rich, all-encompassing friendships that used to define my existence. The ones that used to make me feel safe enough to have an existence, at all.

It’s all because I lost my core group of friends, I didn’t understand and couldn’t fix the problem, and I had no idea how to move forward.

And this last time when I lost everyone I loved, it was definitely due to trauma. Acute, historical, and recovering trauma, to be specific. It was a horrible period of my life, I was a human wrecking ball, and I had no emotional control… because, partially thanks to said friends, I never had to develop those skills.

Basically, I’ve been on my own since a whole series of mental health related isolation events and relationships dissolutions that have persisted since - I want to say 2019 - but to be more holistic, the ship started sailing earlier than that. Like, when I was born.

This has all come to mind more than usual because, this weekend? I had a strange rush of humans back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I saw my best, closest, most important old friends, who were closer to siblings…. In our natural habitat, with our normal friendship routines, with hundreds of memories from the past decade flying around the room.

And today… or, realistically, since I tried to go to sleep after seeing them each day this weekend… I have the relationship reckoning to deal with. The emotional and cognitive processing of everything that’s happened. The lost years. The sense of abandonment. The feeling of being cast out of a family. The inkling that everyone was talking about me. The realization that I was acting a fool, and maybe they should be talking about me. The sense that all parties were partially responsible, but I was the one to blame. The voice in my head that has called me a crazy, miserable, unlovable mess the entire time I debated this at 6am and 6pm and 3am for the past several years.

And now, in the aftermath, I have to work through the dynamic cocktail of feelings, the sense of waiting for the other shoe, and the big decision - are these relationships that I feel secure pursuing again?

And I don’t think I’m alone in this one.

So, today I thought it would be good to talk about this. The history of losing my favorite people on the planet, how I perceived it at the time, how I see my own trauma-actions fucking shit up in hindsight, how I’ve forgiven myself for being such a wild one, and… well… my hesitancy to have close friendships with humans who hurt me in the past. The ways I realized that being separate was beneficial to my mental health and life progress. The self-sabotaging enablement patterns that I now recognize, ran deep, in our old group of friends. The fear that being around them again will let my trauma brain run away with me.

Woo - it’s a whole personal relationship reckoning over here. Let’s just do this, so I can get to my school work at some point soon.

History

So let me set up this situation. You need the background details, of which, there are many dramatic twists and turns.

Be me, Spring of 2019. My romantic relationship with my ex in Atlanta - the musical narcissist that I followed to the city - is going terribly. Since we moved things have been rocky, but now our relationship has been pumped full of disappointment, unfair expectations, emotional codependency, resentment, horrific fighting, and abuse of all colors. Every day is a battle. We’re rarely ever “happy” together. We’re closer to enemies than friends. And we live under the same roof - the one his parents bought for him, outright in cash - to make matters even more fun.

Other than him, I’m alone in this city. I work at the brewery, where no one really likes me. I have one friend from work, but little time to interact thanks to the demanding schedule of my ex with his gigs and out-of-state child visitation.

Financially, my savings have been depleted by floating my significant other’s horrible decisions for the past 2 years. We can never get ahead. He never pays me back for anything. I’m basically in his pocket, as far as needing resources to survive.

As you can imagine, and as I’ve described previously, my mental health is in THE SHITTER. Maybe worse than it’s ever been, although this is hard to judge against some of my earlier years in my 20’s. I’m definitely ramped up in an aggressive and defensive trauma state more than ever before, thanks to living with my aggressor every day. I feel like I’m surviving against the will of my partner, who seems to legitimately be doing his best to drive me into an early grave every single time the sun rises. He’s moved into the territory of intentionally triggering me for hours on end, upsetting me to the point of mental breakdowns, and then gaslighting me for “acting so crazy.” Things have become dangerous, I have no one to turn to, and no cash to get myself into a better situation… not that I know what a better situation even looks like.

But one day, I left. Packed my two bags, went to work, wound up at that single sort-of-friend’s house, never went back home.

And that’s when the real nightmare started. I mean, my ex was a terror over time as we lived together, but a narcissist scorned is a narcissist determined to ruin your fucking life. He harassed me daily via text, phone call, FB messenger, email, stalkings… whatever you can think of. When I blocked him on everything, he started trying to leverage our therapists against me until they refused to interact anymore. He wouldn’t let me into his house to get my stuff. He tried to have me arrested for attempting to do so, after he made arrangements with me to move that weekend. He suddenly refused to even acknowledge that he owed me a dime, and found a way to tally up venmo transactions to show that I actually owed him. He took my only support - our dog, who was really my dog - away and wouldn’t let me see him. Later, he reported my car stolen, so I had to purchase a new one without warning.

The list goes on and on. Just, assume every pathetic, cruel, desperate attempt at getting under someone’s skin and reminding them that they had the audacity to leave you. That’s what was going on in my world.

Meanwhile, with those financial and social pressures I mentioned earlier. No close friends in the area, no spare cash, an unstable job where I was on the chopping block for the reason of “the CEO didn’t like my personality,” nowhere to live, no idea where to go next or how to start a whole new life.

Annnnnd this is right about when my closely knit friend group back in Illinois sort of, well, dipped.

My bestest, best, most treasured friend in my lifetime had always been there for me. But now, she wasn’t. We had exchanged a handful of phone calls over the past month in the aftermath of this relationship ending, but she had been pretty detached from it. I wasn’t offended, because she had certainly heard enough of the drama in real time… of course she was tired of hearing about it...  but I was feeling especially alone and incapable of handling everything on my own, so the distance was difficult, nevertheless. Then, one day she told me that I was being too much for her. I had too high of expectations. It had been bothering her for a while. She needed me to understand and give her some space.

And this was the completely avoidable beginning of the end of my friendships. Let’s talk about why.

How I perceived it

So, I’m pretty sure you can guess how I took this challenging message from my best friend. Uh, poorly. I was so shocked that in my darkest hour, my comrade would feel like my problems were out of her paygrade. It felt like a stab to the heart and straight down through the gut. Here I was, completely alone and isolated, reaching back to my most trusted companions for a lifeline to keep my head above water, and… nothing. She didn’t want to reel me back into the boat.

I responded with some shitty messages about how I really wasn’t asking that much from her and I didn’t appreciate being blindsided by her sudden decision to get rid of me. I had only taken up a few phone calls to talk things through based on her schedule. I had visited her one weekend as I went to a job interview nearby. I had asked her to come visit me soon, so I could feel less alone for a few days. I didn’t think it was fair that she was responding this way. I couldn’t believe she would turn her back on me at this particular moment.

And so, the rift developed. We stopped speaking. I started sobbing. I was absolutely beside myself, as if I hadn’t already been. This wasn’t what I wanted, at all, but I also felt like I had no control in it.

.......

Like it? Well I’m too lazy to post the whole thing here. Check t-mfrs.com for the full blog AND the podcast recorded version. Yawelcome. 

www.t-mfrs.com 

(Traumatized Motherfuckers)

[universal-kitty]

   I plan to return to my favored coping method when I need “I’m not me” time- roleplaying- but before I did that.... I wanted to talk about what happened. Why I’ve been so depressed. Why I’ve been quiet. Because for the first and last time....... I don’t have to worry about what my stepdad thinks of me.

TW: transphobia, misgendering, mentions of a lot of -isms (sexism, racism; stepdad is an ASSHOLE), mentions of suicide and depression

   TL;DR: I finally told Marshal- my stepdad- about being nonbinary. Not only did he react the way I knew he would, but my mom largely defended him before all of this and even said my pronouns were “confusing” to her. I had been hoping to have support from her, so this broke my heart. I officially don’t live with them anymore, but I struggle to find a single place to be in, due to my boyfriend’s dad being uncomfortable with me being home without Cam (my bf).

   ....Alright, let’s get into a bit of a doozy of a story...

   It started with another fucking day of Marshal being on his bullshit. The day previous (13th), he made a comment about how “and that’s why women shouldn’t be cops,” because, while he and mom were watching a true crime show, a woman police officer brought up an acronym. Mom guessed it, was wrong, and Marshal brought that out there.

   Yikes.

   The day of, he was watching a kid’s movie with his daughters (the younger three; the movie was Hotel Transylvania) and he wanted to know if there was a derogatory term for Irish people. He was going with “potato eaters”, but wasn’t sure if that was right, or if there was anything worse he could be saying. (And he wanted to know so he could say it.) He tried to ask mom, citing a Jewish slur, but she said she didn’t know so he could shrug and go back to “potato eaters.”

   After they left to go to a birthday party, I overheard a video on his phone mention “...the hypocrisy of the left...” and decided maybe it was time I had enough.

   ....Except she defended him when I brought it up. “Oh, he’s half-Irish, so....” “We can’t change what he believes in. He was raised like that and the construction site reinforces his views. Even Google shows him more and more of that kind of thing.”

   I got understandably upset that my mom was defending him and didn’t understand why I’d be feeling unsafe around someone like that. I left to go back on the computer and talk to friends. Buuuut because I was in tears at that point, mom felt like it was time to pursue the issue.....by standing right next to me. The monitor was HUGE on the family computer. (My laptop wasn’t at the house due to it crashing the internet a lot.) So I felt even MORE cornered.

   In came a talk about MY GENDER turning into politics. How Republicans and Democrats don’t talk anymore, how the parties think of each other like family, and it just sucks, to her. I bring it back to the ACTUAL talking point..... Only to get the reaction I mentioned in the TL;DR: she thinks that singular “they” is weird and not viable for pronoun usage. No matter what I say or try to.

   My sobbing draws out Marshal from upstairs, who asks what’s going on. I decide to power through and talk about what’s been delayed for months, if not almost a full year... I’m nonbinary and want he/they pronouns.

   See, though... His mom had called him when I attempted “social suicide” on Facebook, coming out originally. Despite having explained myself and my gender/sexualities, miss grandma decided to tell this to Marshal as, “I think there’s something wrong with Rachel.”

   .....Which was then followed up with what I knew was coming: “I think there’s something wrong with you. I think you hate your body. You’re always going to be a beautiful girl to me.”

   Now, maybe it wasn’t a wise thing to scream. (Did feel good, though. Emotional turmoil calls for a good scream, even if I still wonder if I frightened our neighbors.) It was a less wise thing to hit myself... Though I also thought Marshal had left the room. He had not; instead hovering at the bottom of the stairs or on the stairs themselves, hovering over us.

   .....It’s an emotional situation, I do lash out in screams, and I’m not proud of it. But I do want to note that it’s hard to be autistic and talk about things like this when NOBODY ELSE is the mediator. (I talk about my dad a lot when it comes to this part. He took me being polyam very well, as though he didn’t understand it, he made sure to deescalate my panic and explain it more in-depth, so he could get a better idea of what it is I’m doing. Why it’s healthy, why it makes me happy... Stuff like that. Ending it with, “If it makes you happy, awesome.”)

   Mom? She....wasn’t doing much, at that point. Sitting in a chair and sobbing. Misgendering me- literally- behind my back. “She thinks you’re not accepting her.” (Because he isn’t? Duh?)

   Long story short of Marshal also trying to needle mom into saying something against him, as the only religious person in the room has decided he feels VERY attacked and wants to hear his wife say some shit, too..... Cam shows up to pick me up. I stumble out of the house in slip on shoes and a pair of ancient PE shorts.

   ....Went back later to pick up some stuff w/ him and a friend of ours in silence. Mom was still crying. She’d try to eventually use that against me to paint herself the victim and gaslight me into making ME feel awful for....... [checks notes] Wanting my gender to be respected.

   I made another semi-bad decision of making a FB post talking about my anger and mentioning LBGT+ suicides, because being perceived as only female was really putting a damper on my mood, on coming back every day (after hanging out with Cam) and dealing with depression. I was NOT happy in that house and it definitely was a rising factor in why I often felt hopeless and, well, depressed.

   I let my friends respond to family since I was gonna be out anyways and I also trust these people with my life. I very commonly mince my words or try to give some ground out of politeness, thus never really getting far when it comes to arguments. (Everyone always seems smarter than me and I end up feeling so stupid after....) Of course, that then resulted in my mom and Elo’s mom feeling targeted and attacked by my friends and boyfriend (who had EVEN MORE RIGHT to say shit), apparently the latter even going on to say this was a “family matter” and my friends (and boyfriend!!) had no place in it.

   ....Except I let them and the only negatives that came from that was my mom having to face facts that she WAS gaslighting me. Oh, and didn’t use my pronouns until AFTER a friend of mine called her out for it. But okay.

.:.

   At this point in time, I....definitely am bitter on how my mom has chosen to go about certain things- the gaslighting and a convo on Insta (that I have screenshotted) where she said “if you cut out all the people who have different opinions from you, you’re going to lose a lot of people”- but I’m not as mad at her as I used to be? (Or maybe it’s the gaslighting. I can’t tell anymore.) It just hurts a shitton to realize that the only reason I couldn’t talk this out with her.....was because of Marshal.

   She wanted to play both sides and that isn’t POSSIBLE when “both sides” are “choose between your LGBT+ child or the racist, sexist, transphobic breadwinner and father to 3 kids.” You know who she’d choose. And she did.

   (Also, consider that “different opinions” should REALLY mean “we agree on some things, disagree on others, but that open-mindedness keeps us close” and NOT “befriend a person who makes suicide jokes, thinks your gender is a fad/fake, and makes racist remarks, “but it’s just a joke, bro”.” Like?? Just me????)

   Definitely pissed at Marshal, though. That’s been a constant from day one of me realizing how garbage he is. Even a friend who defended my mom said fuck him, which really goes to show how awful the man is, without needing to know all of the other things he’s said before. (And he’s said a LOT.) And he’s also the reason that I’m not going back to the house. Why I’m going to try to be moving out.

   If it was just my mom, I’d consider it. I’d give it a month to think about things and what I want to do, where I want to go...but Marshal involved? No thanks. Never again. She thinks I’m going to “get a dose of reality” and come crawling back home? Nope. And if she keeps talking like that, none of my future kids are going to meet grandma. >:/

[angel-emmerson]

Ángel’s 33rd Birthday Letters 

Every year Ángel writes brief letters to the people in his life who have made a big impact on him in the past year. 

Tagging: @bradyemmerson / @quinn-hawthorne / @frankieblackwood / @alli-pellisier / @emily-duncan / @isaiahxcruz / @sanemreid / @julianeldridge / @graysoneldridge / @ryderirving

---

Mama Bears, J&D, The best women in the world,

I know how much you love my birthday letters but it’s not nearly as much as I love the two of you. 33 years and I still don’t have the words. I know you hate when I say that you saved me but I mean it. You saved my life the day you decided you wanted me to be yours. You changed the way I saw myself. You changed the way I saw love. I used to think love was made up. And then you two proved me wrong. Taught me the way you always have. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. You know that and I sure as hell know that. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life if it meant it wouldn’t lead me to you guys. Being an Emmerson was just my destiny, you know? Having two moms is the best fucking thing in the world. Sorry for cursing, J. 

You’re my two favorite people in the entire universe. You always say I’m your angel but you two are mine and I’ll never forget it. Thanks for giving my life a chance, for giving me a chance time and time again. 

Love you forever, mamas!

Your grateful af son,

Ángel 

---

To the best sister in the entire universe,

I know you think my bday letters are cheesy but you shouldn’t be surprised to get one every year. My life is always better with you around in it, B. You’re a freakin doofus and the biggest nerd I know and I love that about you. The day you walked up those steps and gave me the cold shoulder was the best day of my life. You taught me what it meant to really care about someone outside of myself, to take care of someone, to protect them and love them no matter what. I know we haven’t always been at our best but being your brother is the coolest fucking thing I’ll ever be. I’m so proud of what you’re doing. I’m so proud of how you’ve built up your business, all the ways your gonna continue to thrive and be your best. You deserve every bit of it. Every single bit. Don’t forget to celebrate, don’t forget to let yourself feel loved, don’t forget to take it all in before it’s too late. 

I know I’ve really put you through it recently and I’m really sorry for that. I promise you that I’m getting my shit together and I’m gonna start to take better care of myself. Really try to, at least. I’m always gonna be here for you. I’m never gonna leave you. That’s a promise I’ll always keep, B. 

Make sure to drink some fucking water!!

Love your big bro,

Ángel

--

My love, my light, my homie 4 life,

Another year with you and you know I wouldn’t have it any other way, Q. Well okay maybe there are some things I’d change for both of us but that’s all part of the journey, right? I’m happy as shit that I get to write you a letter every year, I’m happy as shit that we’ve been friends as long as we have. Though I gotta be honest man, the word friend feels like it doesn’t even begin to describe what you mean to me. You’ve known for a long time that you’re my fucking soulmate man. Recently, my therapist asked me to think about all of the relationships I’ve had and to think about which ones have taught me the most about love. Guess I realized I never loved someone the way I love you, bro. I know it’s harder for dudes to say it, I know we’re some tall ass, masc ass dudes and people are surprised when we show just how much we love each other. But I love that shit, I love us, I love us being loud as fuck, proud as fuck, angry, sad and mad as fuck. I love us in any form, I loved us in high school, I love us now. And I love you, always, unconditionally. 

I will always be there for you. Even when things change, even when new shit happens in our lives, I’m never going anywhere far from you. This bond is for life. Don’t ever doubt it. A lot of crazy shit has happened lately but that doesn’t erase all the good shit we did this year. All the work we did, all the shit we created. I know we’re just two clowns but we fucking inspire happiness man. We put a smile on people’s faces. And I never want that to change. We’re just gonna keep shining, keep thriving, keep surviving. 

I believe in you. And I believe in us. More than anything. 

Love you more than I love JLO. That’s big big love. 

Yours for life,

Ángel

--

Frankie, buttface, apple of my eye,

I know being home blows but I gotta say the Frankie shaped hole in my life was getting pretty big and I kind of hated that. I love having you around, I love having you as a friend, I especially love when you laugh at my jokes. But I love it even more when you clown my ass. Thanks for reminding me that sometimes shit ain’t that deep, that the bad comes with the good and it really just be like that sometimes. I get to be sappy because you’re reading this and don’t have to stare at my face but you are so damn special to me, FB. I want you to know that I love you and I would care so much if I lost you. You’re fucking amazing. Wicked smart, wicked talented and wicked fucking cool. The coolest chick I know. You make my life better, you sure as hell make me funnier and you always catch my angles. I’m really lucky to have you in my life. So don’t leave me, alright? Don’t forget that I’m always here for you, til a really cool death do us part, yanno? That’s how you say it right? That’s what Google says at least. 

When you finally read this call me and we’ll get burgers so you can call me a butthole and make me feel loved. Can’t wait to cause shit in the nursing homes with you one day. 

Love you long time baybee,

Ángel 

--

Allison, Alli P, Hermanita,

God really said I’m gonna add another thing to your list of blessings and then BOOM there you were. I hope you know I mean it when I say I got your back, that in me you got another big brother and in my siblings, in my moms, you got mad family who will always have your back. That’s how we roll and we’re forever loyal. So don’t you ever think you’re alone, alright? No matter the time of day, no matter how far away, you call on me, I’ll be there. You can just picture me somewhere singing lean on me. I know it’s not always easy to let people in or trust that people won’t leave you but you can trust in me. Quinn is my man, the light of my fucking life and I promise we’ll take good care of him, I promise I’ll take good care of you too. 

Thanks for always having the best taste and for always reminding me to level up. 

Love you lil one,

Ángel 

--

E-Money!!!!!!

You may not know this but you’re one of my favorite people to spend time with. Your energy, your laugh, that bright af smile and your sarcasm are the fucking best. I know I talk about how grateful I am that my sister has you but I never tell you enough how grateful I am that I have you in my life. You’re always there for me, always ready to hear me out or convince me to be on your stream. You make me laugh deep belly laughs and you help keep me grounded. I fucking adore the shit out of you, Em. I hope you know how much I care and love about you, how much I have your back no matter what. You’re a real one, a beautiful one, a true one. Anyone who can’t see that can kiss my big puerto rican ass. 

Know that you always got love and family in me. We’re bonded for life which just means you’ll never get rid of me. Not such a bad thing, right? Thanks for sharing parts of your life with me. I’m a better man for it. 

Love you always, boo, 

Ángel 

--

Zay! My Man!! The mothafuckin champ!!!!!

In case no one’s told you lately, I’m fucking proud of you. I know it ain’t easy, you’re always trying to do the best thing, always trying to make people proud and make your mama proud. I see you man, I see how hard you work, I see how big you love and you should never lose that shit. You got some real power and not just in the ring. You inspire me to be better, homie, you push me to be stronger and not just cause you’re always challenging my ass to a race. But that too. you keep me on my toes! 

This world is rough but you shine bright, hermanito. Don’t ever let anyone dull your shine. We’re gonna get you that savings account and shit is gonna take off. I promise you. Remember your big homie, Ángel always got your back. Siempre, papito. 

Mad mad love,

Ángel 

-- 

Sanem!! My girl!! My favorite teacher!!!,

Girl you have been through it this year and it hasn’t always been the hottest or the greatest but I see you trying to be better. I see you trying to put yourself first in a way that benefits you and others and doesn’t do harm. It’s hard to forgive ourselves, hard to see the goodness when there’s been so much badness, you know? I know you know what I mean. But you’re trying and that matters. Thanks for helping me stay in shape, for helping me fucking slay the competition and for always keepin me on for all the new dance trends. 

You always got a friend in me!

Love,

Ángel

--

Julian, you beautiful, weird, amazing, pain in my ass of a man, 

I love you dude. I know you brush off half of my sappy shit and I know you still beat yourself up plenty but we’re past that. Only thing I’m worried about right now is you changing the world with your art and for you to keep asking me questions that blow my fucking mind. I know this shit ain’t easy. I know I can’t ever understand how you feel but I know that what I can do is be there for you no matter what. And I am, forever, dude. Like forever and ever and then whatever fucking weird afterlife, after rave comes, yanno? Either way, I hope you know I always got your back. I’m proud of you man, not just cause you’re sober but because you keep trying every day. And that’s a hell of a lot than most people do. I know, the bar is low but fuck if i’m not gonna celebrate the little things. 

I’m really fucking happy you’re alive, J. I’m never taking that for granted. 

*hulk hogan voice* Love you brother,

Ángel

--

G--G-G UNiT! My favorite fucking politician, Grayson

Man there’s never a year I’m not happy you exist. You’re the best, my dude. You inspire me, you’re smart as hell and you got a smile of gold. I know there’s a lot of shit that we’ve been through but I’m glad you’ve always had my back and I hope you know I always have yours. Keep doing the work that you do, keep making us proud and don’t let these crazy motherfuckers out here get you down, alright? You inspire me to fight the good fight, to make sure I’m not out here looking like a dumbass and I’m always proud to support you, brother. Always. 

Remember to kick back and relax once in a while, alright? You deserve it and then some. 

Love you always, 

Ángel 

--

Ry-Dawg! Crazy motherfucker, Sunshine,

Drink some fucking water, okay? Love you forever. 

I mean that, 

Ángel 

--

Levi,

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you, homie. I know that eventually I’m supposed to like move on, accept it all but they never tell you how hard it is. Other day these flowers in my garden bloomed and I wanted to tell you about them so badly. I keep thinking about all the shit you won’t get to do, the life you won’t get to live. I keep telling myself I gotta live it extra hard and enjoyable just for you. But how do I do that when I’m still so sad? I guess it’s stupid for me to be writing you a letter when I won’t get an answer, but sometimes it helps to think that you can somehow hear me, that maybe you’re still by my side seeing all of this shit. I hope that’s okay. 

I just miss you man. I wish I could tell you I love you one more time,

Ángel

[aethelar]

FB week day 4: Alternate Universe

The Jedi code is simple. A well worn, familiar mantra that has seen Graves safely through the good and bad parts of his life so far. It’s a comfort, a beacon, a paragon of calm that’s doing sod all to fix the kriffing ship, and, as Graves rationally and logically reminds himself, it’s been pondered and contemplated by far wiser minds than his, so if the code says he should trust the force and keep his cool then he’s damn well going to trust the bloody force and keep the last fraying threads of his cool.

“Everything alright, master?” his padawan asks in a deliberately offhand tone.

“How old are you?” Graves asks in lieu of an answer.

Credence blinks. “Seventeen last I checked, same as I was this morning.”

“Then ask me again when you’re old enough for me to stop censoring my language around you.” He turns away so he can pretend he doesn’t see Credence laughing at him and hits another button on the flashing control panel. “Chastity! Where’s the power at?”

“What power?” Chastity yells back from somewhere in the bowels of the engine. “You expect me to pull it out the air, wizard?”

“Knight! I’m a Jedi Knight, we’ve been over this!”

Chastity shouts something rude. And explicit. Credence pretends to cover his ears and Graves fights the urge to glare at him. He’s zen, fuckdamnit, his feelings have bled away in the force and he’s one with the universe and the universe is at peace.

Actually that’s a bald faced lie, the universe is teetering on the edge of a war between the Republic and the Separists, but. Point still stands. Graves is zen.

Chastity says we need parts, the little Model ST droid whistles, rolling down the corridor towards them. I have a list. It whirrs, then opens a slot and produces a shopping list. It’s written on a pink datapad. Of course it is.

Credence takes the datapad and pats the droid on the head. “Thanks, Mod-ST. There’s a trading port not too far from here, tell Chastity we’ll have her parts by sundown.”

“Which of us is the master and which is the padawan here?” Graves mutters under his breath. He squints at the list. “Also don’t go making promises you can’t keep, that’s an expensive list for a backwater planet.”

“I trust in the force,” Credence says serenely, and Graves resists the urge to stick his tongue out.

-

Helpfully, the backwater planet has enough of the parts Chastity needs to get them airborne, at least for a short trip to somewhere better stocked.

Unhelpfully, the backwater planet has never heard of Republican credits.

“They’re credits,” Graves explains patiently, “which are valid in the Republic. You know. The big governing body that sits around doing jack all and arguing over obvious decisions. The head honchos. The ruling bigwigs. They wear big robes.”

“Tattooine is Hutt space,” the Toydarian huffs. “You got peggats, we got your parts. You got fake money, you get sand.”

Graves does not growl. Or glare. “Thank you for the advice,” he says with admirable restraint. “And how, please, would I go about exchanging for peggats?”

The Toydarian scratches at the base of a tusk, then gestures at Credence with a lazy hand. “I’d give you four hundred for the boy.”

The vague notion of taking the money and then rescuing Credence in a high stakes daring escape flashes briefly through Graves’ mind before he forcibly dismisses it. They’ve done crazier things in his time as Credence’ master, sure, but never actually on purpose. Besides, it probably isn’t the most Jedi-approved of plans, and Graves is nominally meant to be a responsible adult.

“What, me?” Credence asks, blinking in shock. “You’re talking about slavery!”

Yyyeeeaahhh, that’s the other reason of course that Graves shouldn’t be planning to sell his padawan, even in pretence. He winces at his own insensitivity; slavery in the republic is an outdated concept found in stories and history, but that’s far from true on the outer rim. Making light of something thousands of people suffer through every day is... not Graves’ proudest moment.

“Jedi don’t deal with slavers,” he says out loud, sharper than he means to. “Credence, let’s go.”

They sweep out of the shop in a swirl of brown cloaks (heavy, hot, designed for the chill of space rather than the oppressive heat of a desert planet and if Graves never has to come back to this hellhole again he’ll be delighted).

“Slavers?” Credence repeats, jogging to keep up. He sounds bewildered, and though a large part of Graves wants to protect that innocence, he knows it’s better that Credence understands. “The Republic doesn’t allow -”

“We’re outside the reach of the Republic,” Graves interrupts gently. “Slavery is abhorrent, but it’s still a fact of life for many people in the galaxy.” He pauses, debating with himself whether to point Credence at Chastity or not. She’s a Twi’lek, and he knows that her life hasn’t been wholly untouched by slavery, but she’s also close-mouthed about her past. Not his secrets to tell, he decides.

“But we’re Jedi,” Credence says, horrified. “Can’t we do something?”

“You’re Jedi?” someone blurts, and Graves whirls round with a hand dropping to his lightsaber. He steps back immediately, arms up in a calming gesture as the man that spoke flinches back. “Sorry!” the man says. “Sorry, sorry, I just - you’re really Jedi?”

He’s human, or looks it, several years older than Credence. His curly hair is bleached red-blond by the sun and his tanned skin is covered in freckles, across his face and down to the shoulders his loosely gathered tunic does very little to cover. By the scars that also mar his shoulders and paint down his forearms, he’s almost certainly a slave.

Oh no, Graves thinks, not daring to look back at Credence. He can feel down the padawan bond as Credence’s horror morphs into a resolute righteousness.

“We’re Jedi,” Credence agrees, stepping forward with a winning smile. Why. Credence, why. Graves had literally just decided to avoid daring slave-rescue shenanigans. “I’m Credence, and my master is Graves.”

“Master?” the slave asks, gaze flicking nervously to Graves.

“Not that kind of master!” Credence hurries to clarify. “Sorry, it’s, um, it’s a translation error. I guess he’d be more... my teacher?”

“Oh,” the slave says, nodding at Graves with a new respect. Graves nods back and tries hard to look serene and Jedi-like. Then the slave smiles. Oh no, Graves thinks again, and tries harder with his serenity. “My name is Newt,” the slave says. “You need engine parts, right?”

Credence agrees enthusiastically, and Graves resigns himself. He’s a Jedi, he reminds himself. Even if it’s only one slave, he can still do something. He and Credence have done crazier things, and they might even get Chastity’s approval for this one.

Newt grabs his hand to tug him down the street and the force around him all but purrs in happiness.

Oh no, Graves thinks for the third time with a sudden, swooping realisation. He’s not prophetic, but he’d have to be a literal swamp fungus not to pick up on the vision the force is gleefully shoving at him. He waves his Jedi code at it in a pathetic attempt at defence, but the force changes the angle of the vision and fast forwards a few minutes.

Graves trips over his cloak.

Fuckdamnit, the force is a voyeur. Is nothing private. Graves is never going to jack off again.

“You alright, teacher?” Newt asks staring back with wide eyes and Graves forcefully ejects all force visions from his consciousness. He’s screwed. So very screwed.

Yes, the force preens, and Graves flushes scarlet.

“I’m fine,” he croaks.

Very quietly, where only Newt can hear, the force whispers, yes.

[mfackenthal]

The MFackenthal Show and Cordonian’s Gone Wild!

Anitah: Hello fabulous audience members!  We are so glad you’re here. I know it’s a little early for the show to start, but if you could please try to take your seats quickly and quietly, that would be super helpful.

Alicia: As you all know or can guess, we’re the guest stars for today’s show.  

Pam: But what you don’t know, because Megs doesn’t even know it yet, is that we are taking over today’s show!  

Gen:  So … really, we’re in a bit of a hurry here … we need to start this show before Megs gets on stage.  Can you freaking be seated already?!

Pam:  (whispering loudy to Gen) Yo, asshole, be nice to the audience.  

Anitah, Alicia, Gen, and Pam all take a seat behind or on the desk that Megs often sits behind to start her show.  

Anitah:  Sit, sit, sit, everyone.

Alicia:  Roll the cameras.  

Gen:  counting down using her fingers In 3 … 2 …. 1 …

Pam: Welcome everyone to the Cordonian’s Gone Wild edition of The MFackenthal Show!!!!

Anitah:  You may be wondering where Megs is - don’t worry, she’s in hair and makeup.  She should be out soon.  

Alicia:  For those of you who don’t know, I’m @leelee10898 - You can call me Alicia or Leelee, whatever you want.  This is @ao719 AKA Anitah.

Anitah: The other girls call me Nita so that works too.

Pam:  I’m @speedyoperarascalparty: Pam is my name.

Gen: And I’m @cocomaxley -  Genevieve or Gen or asshole.  Okay party people - Parties are not set up with an audience - so get your butts out of those seats, move your chairs to the left side of the room where the MFackenthal staff will help clear the room and bring in some more comfortable couches.

Anitah:  Then, help yourself to a glass of Maxwell’s Purple concoction.

Pam:  And don’t ask, we’re not allowed to share the recipe.

Alicia:  Seriously, as to what’s in it … just don’t ask.

Gen:  Anyways … everyone get a glass so we can raise a toast.

The audience scrambles out of their seats, following the directions as best as they can.  The whole room is quickly transformed, a disco ball is hung from the center, a dance floor being laid down in the middle of the room, couches are set up around the dance floor and there’s a table stage left with about a dozen punch bowls filled with Maxwell’s Purple Concoction.  

Pam:  Does everyone have a drink?

Anitah:  Everyone, please raise your glass.

Everyone raises their glass. The girls stand center stage - which is now the center of the room - and just as they’re about to raise their glasses, Megs comes walking out.  

Anitah:  To Cordonia!

Pam: And loyal, hot men!

The audience parts for Megs and the room gets quiet.

Alicia:  To … choices?  Why is everyone so quiet?

Gen:  Welcome to your show, Megs!  

All:  To Megs!!!!

The audience:  To Megs!

Pam hands Megs a glass of Maxwell’s drink.  Megs takes it and slowly does a full 360 looking around the room.  

The audience is cheering and clapping loudly.

Megs:  Damn, ladies.  If i didn’t know this was my stage, I’d never recognize it!  Tapping her foot, is this a dance floor?  Is this Maxwell’s purple concoction?  Do you know what’s in it?

The audience: Don’t ask!

Megs:  laughs.  Oooookay … well, the producers are telling me we are already rolling soooo …

Anitah:  So hello Megs and welcome to your show!  

Megs:  Welcome indeed!  Megs takes a sip of the drink and a steadying breath.  So … okay, well …

Gen:  Well, in case it’s not obvious - we’ve taken over your show.  We know what the people want-

Pam:  Don’t worry - we’ll give the people what they want.

Alicia:  So, just take another sip and let us take over.

Megs looks at the girls, shrugs her shoulders, looks around, and takes a seat next to an audience member.  

Megs:  Alright, ladies.  It’s your show.

Anitah:  Oh! That was easier than I thought it would be.  Alrighty!  So … ladies, what do we think the people really want to know?

Megs:  Looking away from the stage and putting a hand over her hand to muffle her voice, she loudly says:  What brought each of you to the fandom? Looking forward and feigning innocence Whoa, who said that?

Gen:  laughing real smooth Megs.

Pam: I was going through Drake withdrawals. It was between books and I needed a fix.

Gen: I found TRR after seeing numerous ads on social media for the Choices app. I spent a ridiculous amount of money to binge TRR book 1 and book 2. Then, like Pam, got super thirsty for Liam, sorry not sorry Anitah! I found AO3 first then after some google searches, I found tumblr.

Anitah: It was a total and complete accident! I was googling something about the game while (im)patiently waiting for a new chapter to be released in book 3 and I saw a link to a fanfic. I had never even been on tumblr before and had zero clue what it even was. But was so glad when I found this glorious fandom!

Alicia: @darley1101. Someone shared a damien fic she wrote on the choices fandom FB page.

Megs:  Oooh - here’s some insider information - @darley1101 has been booked to be on this show in the future.  Hey, so tell us - When did “Cordonian’s Gone Wild” get started?  How did it get started? What’s the real story here?  

Anitah: Seriously Megs - chill!  We’ve taking over!  But, great question!  So we all joined a huge chat group with what...10 other people? Lol. It was pure madness. Pam started writing one shots for people in that chat. Bringing their real selves into fics with their LI’s. And the four of us began talking in a separate chat and one night we were talking about how crazy, ridiculous and fun it would be if we all went to Vegas (with our pretend husbands because the IRL ones aren’t as much fun)

Pam: Or as 🍆

Anitah: So then I wrote One Night In Vegas...and we posted it just for fun and people really seemed to enjoy it. Do any of you remember who or how we got Cordonians Gone Wild?? Because I do not!  lol

Pam: Nope!

Gen: This was Anitah or Pam. I know that. But it worked out because we all had different LI's after I got thirsty for Rashad.

Megs: I wondered how Rashad came in to the picture and had to assume someone latched on to him ... or, don’t be mad ⁨Genevieve⁩ ... he was the “leftover” (straight) male

Gen: Actually this was @boneandfur’s fault. She wrote some Rashad one shots and I loved him after that.

Megs:  Ooooh, I wonder if she wants to be on the show?  Hmmmm...

Anitah: As we were saying … Then as we went on each of us kind of developed these character traits I think (feel free to chime in guys lol) but example...in Mardi Anitah steals the royal jet and that became her thing-  lol - so I always steal the jet and Liam gets pissed (which is exactly what I want)

Gen: Yep! I became the resident asshole which isn't too far off from real life. Actually it's exactly like real life.

Pam: Yea I mean, Pam is based off me. Gen and I realized we used to live right by each other in Illinois before I moved back to Michigan. I'm a marriage and family therapist. Went to Northwestern, so we wrote in Gen and I lived in Chicago together.

Anitah: Well, if I had a jet in real life I'd steal it…

Alicia: Shaking her head like she’s been zoned out … Actually I think I was the one who came up with the name lol. I remember mimicking it after girls gone wild.

Meg starts to get up to ask a question, but Gen is standing behind her and places both hands on Meg’s shoulders to push her back into her seat.

Gen:  If I know Megs, she’d now ask a process question, like How do you decide who writes for what couple?  Or how did you decide? Is it set in stone?

Megs glares up at Gen while she asks the question.  Then she nods and waves Gen back to stage.  

Pam: The couples are set in stone. They are our LI. Some of us are more committed than others..pam and anitah stare down gen and alicia.  Some should cower in shame.

Gen and Alicia appear to be utterly unphased.

Gen: (cackling) I can't help it! I have a soft spot for Mr. Sinclaire!

Anitah: Pam and I are just less adventurous.

Pam: Trust...honesty....FAITHFULNESS!

Anitah and Alicia mock Pam’s words and movements

Alicia: Leo Rhys is my husband and has my heart.... I just have a soft spot for, Colt, Logan, Matt, Adrian, Damien, Earnest.. am I forgetting someone??  Oh yeah Bryce and Beckett.

Pam: Cough..whore..cough

Alicia: sticks up middle finger

Anitah and Gen: continue laughing

Pam: We all write all the couples, but the pairings don’t change...even if avatars do

Gen: She's talking about you Alicia.

Anitah: As far as who writes for what couple, if it’s a group fic we all participate, but each of us writes the respective couple if it’s a one shot or what not.

Gen: Usually someone comes up with an idea and someone else will be like - I'll write it 🙋🏻‍♀️… Or sometimes it's crickets …

The whole stage gets super quiet, everyone seems to be listening for the crickets. Megs gets up and the four girls glare at her.

Megs:  No, no, I got it - your show.  Why don’t you all simply discuss who has read which choices books and what is everyone’s favorite while I go and refill my drink?  

Megs winks to the camera and walks to the table to get a refill.

Anitah: Oh god...there’s such a long list...

Pam: Anitah and I will sit this one out…

Gen: Prudes! I'll say it again, I love Mr. Sinclaire. But I've played AME, Bloodbound, VOS, TCATF, ROE (blah), PM and a bunch of others. But not a lot of the newer ones.

Alicia: Did you seriously just BLAH my husbands book?

Gen: Yes the fuck I did!

Alicia: The only one I have NOT read yet is most wanted. I have started the haunting of braidwood manor, both it lives and passport, but have yet to finish those. Otherwise I have read all books fully released and am up to date on current ones.

Gen: Most Wanted is so good!

Pam: Drake…

Gen: (pats Pam’s hand) We know, Pammy. We know.

Alicia: Some I have read numerous times.... like Ride or Die.... perfect match and blood bound…

Megs has come back to her seat.

Megs: Who is your favorite OTP?

Anitah: Liam x MC

*Everyone looks at Pam waiting for Drammy to be said 👀*

Pam: Drammy! I'm consistent

Alicia: Ah shit ummmmmm ...

Gen: Liam x MC

Alicia: Colt x Ellie

Megs:  Poor Rashad and Leo!  Shakes her head.

Gen: They’re fine.

Alicia:  Oh!  You know what we should talk about?  Ourselves!  Our jobs, our hobbies, our favorite things - what we do when we’re not writing …

Pam:  Okay then … when I’m not writing - I work, play with my kids, I'm a brownie troop leader for my 7 year old, I fantasize about Drake Walker

Gen: Working...always working. Jobs are stupid. And I have this part time gig called a husband and two teenagers.

Anitah: Playing with my kids, being annoyed by my irl hubby and photographer on the side.

Alicia: Be a mom and all the "Mom" stuff that comes along with it..... oh and work...

Megs: And for fun?

Anitah: Photography for fun. I love taking pictures and scoping out new places to take them.

Gen: I used to crochet a lot. I taught myself to cross stitch. I like hobbies that keep me away from electronics.

Alicia: ummm good question. Write?? Crafts. Garden. I actually really didn't know how much I enjoyed it until last year.

Pam: Writing is my favorite past time currently. I also like to do arts and crafts with my kids, cooking..not baking, just to be clear...I like doing home improvement projects, painting, playing with my kids, hanging with my IRL hubs. Also, auditioning for a spot on Nailed It.

Gen: OMG! The first communion cake! It was amazing!

Megs: I should have made you make us a cake to go with this punch, Pam.  Alicia mentioned favorite things … What’s your favorite work that you have written? Feel free to answer this as a group and about your work individually.

Anitah: Definitely NOLA is one of my favorites

Alicia: Same

Gen: NOLA was amazing!

Megs:  And that stands for???  

Anitah: Oh - New Orleans! I didn’t write it but it’s still one of my favorites

Gen: Max hugging Pams feet saying, “don't take my puppy, Bertrand.”

Anitah: Omfg I forgot about that part!

Alicia: NOLA, and Never Give Up.. does rhys smirk. That I've written Amsterdam.

Pam: I loved In Another Life, Amsterdam, Harry Potter

Anitah: I liked In the Doghouse too...it was rough but...angst🤷🏼‍♀

Gen: says the queen of angst.

Pam: Yes!!! Loved Doghouse

Alicia: Ooh and Christmas. With max and the cow

Pam: I liked Naked and Afraid, but it was a bitch to write. Dates was fun too. Hawaii...the dance🤤🤤🤤

Anitah: OMG YESS 😂🤣😂😂

Alicia: the vein

Anitah: (laughing) The vein(s)

Alicia: Yes. But it was the 1st time Leos Rhys’ vein was displayed

Pam: Pony will never be the same

Alicia: Leo naked tackles me in the water

Pam: Yep....Drake’s junk over my face...🤤🤤🤤 Guys...I think I might have an oral fixation. For real.

Alicia: no shit. And i mean that it the nicest way

Pam: I need something else to do with my mouth than suck Drake’s dick

Alicia: Suck his balls?

Pam: That could work...🍊🍊

Gen: And the crazy train just went off the rails…

Megs:  LOL, well - you can find a full listing of their work now showing on the screen here.  

Anitah:  Awh, thanks Megs!  Oh!  The producers are indicating that it’s time for a commercial break.  So we’re all going to refill our drinks and then we have another surprise in store for Megs.  Megs - don’t forget to refill your drink and then join us on stage after these messages.

<Insert a commercial for the sponsor of this and all content:  Choices by Pixelberry.>

The 4 ladies and Megs are now center stage.  Everyone’s glasses have been refilled.  

Pam:  Megs, as the hosts of your show and now that you’re two glasses of purple drink in - we have some questions for you!

Gen: How did you come up with the idea to do these interviews? I think it's awesome because it really helps get to know the other people in the fandom. Oh! And what's your favorite color?

Megs:  The idea behind these interviews came from multiple conversations I had with some friends, especially @tmarie82, @lizeboredom, and @maxattack-powell.  I wanted to give back to this community but I wasn’t inspired to write fanfiction.  So I talked with them about different ways I could give back.  I wanted ways that were non-competitive and ways that I could highlight the work of a specific author or visual artist.  Multiple people mentioned how awkward it could be to reach out and start talking over tumblr but that they were always interested in process and the lives of the artists and I was like - I have no shame in asking all of the questions!  Let me ask and share what I learn.  Then I did a follower post - I think I had maybe 100 followers?  Maybe 150?  People had to enter - so I figured it was self selecting group and I did my first interview.  The Ellen saw my interview and offered me her time slot.

Oh! … and my favorite color is mint green.  

Anitah: How do you read so many fics to do your reviews? It’s amazing that you take all that time to do that and signal boost these writers to the fandom!

Megs: Awh, thanks!  The true answer is two fold.  One - tumblr mobile on my iphone.  Two - I’m a huge nerd.  I wake up and pretty much immediately start reading.  I read in line at the grocery store.  I read while waiting for the programs we use at work to switch between screens - because shit if that doesn’t sometimes take 5 minutes.  Why should I stare at the screen while the wheel of death turns when I can read a couple paragraphs about the men in my life?

Pam: How do you decide what to read? Are writers or fics recommended to you or is it just luck?

Megs:  At this point - tumblr tags probably play a larger than appropriate influence on what I read. I tend to check my notifications first and start there.  I’m a sucker for having a conversation, sharing a joke, or getting a response from another person - be in the author or another fangirl or fanboy.  I definitely take recommendations though.  And, on the off chance that I can just choose what I read, then I go through my feed and see what strikes my fancy.

Alicia: What's your favorite thing you have read so far? And what is your funniest tumblr moment?

Megs: I have no clue what my favorite thing is that I’ve read.  There is so much amazing work … but before I talk about my own funnies - I will mention two stories that had me laughing.  One is by @hellospunkiebrewster called Blackouts and Bad Decisions and let’s just say that Bertrand has a tramp stamp.  If that doesn’t make you laugh - nothing will.  The other one was published far more recently by @laniquelovewrites.  It’s called The Lion Prince and it’s inspired by The Lion King.  I thought it was so funny that I read it to my husband.  Who also thought it was funny.  Hmmmm … as for my funniest tumblr moment … it’s probably been those times when I find a way to make an author’s characters ask for what I want.  Like in this post - where I pretend Ethan and I are changing the clocks in the author’s house so that I can get the next part of the story sooner.  I mean, I think I’m funny at least.

Well ... that’s about all the tim-

Pam: Oh Megs, Megs, Megs, not so fast.  Did you think that our big surprise was asking you questions?  No, the final surprise is yet to come.

Anitah:  Yes, Megs, with the help of your amazing audience, we are going to play …

Alicia:  drum roll please …

Gen:  Never Have I Ever - CGW on the MFackenthal Show edition!

Megs:  shakes her head and smiles So … how does this work?  Like, when do I have to drink?

The four girls look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

Well?  

Pam:  You drink when we tell you to drink.

Gen:  Yeah, down what’s left of that glass and we’ll get you another!

Megs:  laughs … okay, well, I’m already buzzed … uh, can I say that on my show?  … well, kids, everyone here is old enough to drink.  Don’t drink and drive.  Everyone who has been drinking will be taking a ride-share home!

Anitah:  Okay, first question from the audience … Never have I ever been on The MFackenthal Show

Gen: this is my first time! So do I have to drink to this or not?

Pam: Looks like I'm popping my cherry!

Anitah: I’m drinking.

Alicia: 1st time… I'll drink to that!

Megan: haha, well, not as a guest … takes a drink.

Anitah:  Second question: Never have I ever fantasized about a fictional character.

Gen: Omg! Who hasn't? Because I'm thirsty. Always thirsty for my pixelated men...I mean man.

Pam: Hahahahaha...snorting and laughing hysterically. Oh..wait...you're serious?

Anitah: all the time (chugs drink)

Alicia: *Guzzles drink*

Megan: anyone who says no is lying … takes another drink

Alicia:  Never have I ever cheated on my partner.

Gen: I've never cheated on my IRL hubs. I've never cheated on Rashad either. Mr. Sinclaire doesn't count! 😂

Pam: I won't even cheat in my pixelated hubby by playing other books or romancing other LI...I believe honesty and trust are the foundation of all good relationships. STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES, ANITAH!!

Anitah: Never cheated

Alicia: NO!

Megan: Nope! I have a hard time even “playing the field” in the choices games.  If I want to see what it’s like to be with another LI, I have to do another full playthrough.  

Alicia:  Never have I ever...had sex outside.

Gen: In real life, yes I have. In CGW I haven't. So I guess that's a draw.

Pam: Yes in real life and Pixelated life.

Anitah: (laughing hysterically) Well pixelated life we know the answer to that because...kinky king. And real life, yes.

Alicia: IRL yep. CGW Yup!

Megan: Indeed I have.

Gen: Never have I ever Given a blow job in public like Pam.

Gen: (hides face) yes. More times than I care to admit.

Pam: laughs...yea let's just say my hubby enjoyed one of the star wars movies intimately.

Anitah: eyes wide as she chugs her drink

Alicia: takes a drink silently

Megan:  *takes a big drink* shaking her head from side to side

Gen: Never have I ever said your fictional husbands name in a moment of passion?  ... No. Thought about during a moment of passion? All the time. Do NOT tell my husband.

Pam: In my head? Over and over and over...lol. I did however call my husband Drake once, just in passing. He was less than pleased.

Anitah: Not in a moment of passion but I have absolutely thought about it. I did however call my 3 year old son, who’s name starts with L, Liam, and he proceeded to correct me with his full name while giving me the stink eye.

Alicia: no. Have I thought about it…. Hehehehe

Megan: No. If I had, I’d never hear the end of it.

Pam:  Get to drinking, Megs!  Next question from the audience, never have I ever tried to see how many marshmallows can fit into my mouth.

Gen: Marshmallows, saltines, cinnamon - this was bad. Really bad.

Pam: can't say I have!

Anitah: I sure did.

Alicia: no, I have not

Megan: Marshmallows make me feel sick to my stomach. I tend to claim I’m allergic to them, even though I’m fairly sure that would mean I’m allergic to sugar.  LOL

Pam: Never have I ever given someone a lap dance/received a lap dance

Gen: not in public…

Pam: Oh I've been to A LOT of bachelorette parties..so yep!

Anitah: Yes!

Alicia: sorta

Megan: Yes … my husband does this dance to Brittney’s toxic … Give me one of those questions. Takes a set of note cards from Pam and flips through them.  Okay ... Never have I ever broken a bone.

Gen: I've never broken a bone! Yes I'm proud of that!

Pam: Nope!

Anitah: knock on wood - no I haven’t.

Alicia: I have not!! Even though I am an absolute klutz.

Megan: I haven’t either!  Which is amazing because I have fallen out of a tree - totally sober, btw.

Anitah:  Drink up, Megs!

Megs: finishes her drink … Okay, never have I ever told my real life husband/partner about my pixelated hubby.

Gen: No, he already thinks I don't love him. This would prove it.

Pam: Yep! My hubby is actually super supportive. He has helped me plot a few fics...the Drake and Pam chocolate wax disaster was made exponentially better by his suggestions. He is known as our cinnamon roll and Gen wrote him into a fic as owning a cinnamon roll shop..LOL. When Drake and I eloped, I made him call me Mrs. Walker the entire weekend and would not respond to any other names. I'm such an asshole

Anitah: (laughing) No way! He knows nothing! He doesn’t know about choices or that I’m in love with a pixelated man. He doesn’t know about tumblr or that I write. No one I know in real life knows anything about this. It’s like...my dirty little secret.

Alicia: yes and no. He does know about choices, he does know about Leo.. he does not know my level of infatuation with him.

Megs:  Yup!  My husband often asks “are you playing your stories?”

~~~~~later~~~~~

Megs:  lifting her head off the armrest of the couch and blinking her eyes open hhhhhuh?  Where …?  Ooooh, my head is killing me … How is my studio back to how it looked before?  Was that a dream?  Megs gets up and pads over to her on-stage desk where she picks up a note and reads aloud, “You passed out shortly after our game.  We partied hard with your audience and then put your studio back together.  Whenever you want to do this again - let us know.  I’ll steal the jet.  Luv, CGW!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now for the tags! If you want to be added to the tag list for these or removed, please let me know!

@hopefulmoonobject @queen-among-writers, @hopelessromantic1352, @lilyofchoices,

[thedeliverygod]

I like doing these things every once a while so here we gooo

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?: kfjsl. with my dad yes. with my mom it’s iffy.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? my besties.

03: Do you regret anything? plenty but obvs can’t change the past.

04: Are you insecure? oh yeah.

05: What is your relationship status? single

06: How do you want to die? preferably not at all lmao but I guess peacefully in my sleep??

07: What did you last eat? tiny little pieces of a strawberry & creme cheese muffin but it’s too much for me.

08: Played any sports? no but I love hockey, I wish I would have had the thought to get into it at a younger age and play on a team.

09: Do you bite your nails? no.

10: When was your last physical fight? I’ve never had one cuz I know my ass would get beat.

11: Do you like someone? not really.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? I think the most I’ve made it is like 30 lol. I need sleep.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? no.

14: Do you miss someone? I miss seeing my friends yeah its been a while.

15: Have any pets? my cat Salem.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? pretty tired

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? uhhhhh I was gonna say no but we did try to have shower sex one time so I guess so 

18: Are you scared of spiders? vaguely I guess. I just don’t like touching gross things but I mean I will kill it if needed lol

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? it’s tempting but idk if I would want to risk what things I do have.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? uhhhhh considering the last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend and we’ve been broken up for almost 4 years now I don’t know. I would assume his bedroom maybe?

21: What are your plans for this weekend? go on a walk outside cuz it’s gonna be niceee (80 degrees). other than that idk

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? no biologically and if I do end up adopting it’ll be 1.

23: Do you have piercings? How many? no

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English, theatre, film, and Japanese.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? yeah but he’s a different person so oh well.

26: What are you craving right now? probably sleep.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I guess so.

28: Have you ever been cheated on? not that I’m aware of.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes

30: What’s irritating you right now? nothing really.

31: Does somebody love you? romantically, no. platonically and familial, yes.

32: What is your favourite color? it switches between light blue and light purple 33: Do you have trust issues? yes and no. I’m afraid of letting someone in romantically though for sure. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about? I had a dream about being in the car with my dad at the beach and the water was absolutely gorgeous but for some reason there were like a lot of abandoned buildings and stuff.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? either dad or my stepmom idk

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? probably

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life? lol not so far

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? noo

51: Favourite food? fudge

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? kind of.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? play wordscapes like I always do lol

54: Is cheating ever okay? I would say only if you’re in an abusive relationship and feelings develop for someone who actually treats you well and you are on your way to getting out of that situation if that makes sense but like obviously most people aren’t going to want to put themselves in that situation.

55: Are you mean? I hope not

56: How many people have you fist fought? none

57: Do you believe in true love? I believe there’s different people meant for us like not necessarily one person but people meant for us in different ways

58: Favourite weather? warm (upper 70s, low 80s) with a light breeze

59: Do you like the snow? not particularly 

60: Do you wanna get married? yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I guess it can be but idk me and my ex didn’t do that with each other we had other weird nicknames. 

62: What makes you happy? free of responsibilities, time with friends, writing, cosplaying, warm weather, and the ocean.

63: Would you change your name? if my parents/family wouldn’t be so upset about it sure.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I wouldn’t want to. I’ve literally had nightmares about him begging me to come back to him but then I’ve also had dreams where I did take him back and it was terrible and then I have dreams where I want him back but he ignores me lol. But I know irl he’s not a good person for me anymore.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? that’s what my previous relationship was so I mean. yeah. lol. it worked okay for most of 7 and a 1/2 years but things fell apart for a number of reasons. but also my best friends that are opposite sex currently are a married gay couple so I think I’m okay.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? idk I’ve talked to a couple guys on fb recently about animal crossing

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? claudia

69: Do you believe in soulmates? same answer as the true love one

70: Is there anyone you would die for? maybe

[wokebutsleepy]

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed?

mermaids

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?

vinyls

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?

i havent read a book in a while :/ ill take recommendations tho!

lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets?

not usually because they’re usually too small

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

my family went to pick out a puppy

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself?

to not get too lazy over the winter

lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests?

forests 

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah probs

marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits?

i mean not like in advance but yeah

apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

cold and tired but overall good

everlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having?

I remember having one where i was shaving my legs at work lol don’t know what that was about

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

juice tbh

lavender dream; turn ons/offs?

i like girls with kinda deep/scratchy voices, and maybe unpopular opinion but I don’t like choking during sex

water lilly; when was the last time you cried? why?

uh i think maybe a couple of months ago when my brother got engaged. We were all very happy

lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

nah, because they never think they did anything wrong

winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream?

lol lick. I’m not a mad man

honey perfume; favorite movie ever?

Changes all the time but I really like Catch Me if You Can

desert rose; do you like yourself?

yeah I’m alright overall

snapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity?

Me and Gene Simmons shared an understanding nod when an elevator was too full

night owl; how many countries have you visited? I think 7

heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle? Yes and they are built for short people

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?

asked a girl out lol

lantana; what’s on your mind right now?

trying to think of christmas gift ideas

pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?

Taurus

tulip; name 5 facts about yourself.

I’m 5′11″, I’m the youngest in my family, I have 5 tattoos, my eyesight is terrible, I’ve only broken one bone when I was 3

daphne; do you believe in karma? yeah in a real general sense.

queen of the meadow; ever been in love?

no :(

wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

probably my mom because she is very kind and giving

angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

I don’t know, a Little Critter book maybe

remember me; did you make someone laugh today?

yeah!

iris; do you believe in ghosts?

not in the haunting way but maybe some spirit/energy kind

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?

probably not too far back. Maybe just like 1970

caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not?

only if I stopped aging, I’m too curious as to how things are going to turn out/what new things people will discover

primula; what makes you sad?

dumb ‘friends’ on fb falling for troll articles

rain lily; was today typical? why/why not?

not really because I didn’t have to work today so it was different than my normal routine

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?

My sister. She’s maybe the best in my family for keeping my secrets

lady’s slipper; what did you have for breakfast today?

a bagel

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?

oh yeah bud, plenty

lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe?

currently? probably the She-ra universe i guess lol

violet; favorite tv show?

the Office

sunflower; share a favorite quote.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -Wayne Gretzky” -Michael Scott

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?

Sleeping in, followed by a lazy day, and then play some games with friends

tiger lily; do you have any hobbies?

I like drawing a lot

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you.

I don’t have one

tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?

Ziplining

honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger?

Generally around my age

sweet pea; who means the world to you? why?

My family. They’re just awesome

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read?

Honestly, ‘The Giver’

foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?

Shego from Kim Possible because she was instrumental in my lesbian awakening

magnolia; coffee or tea?

tea. I hate Coffee

crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?

realistically, I’d rather be extremely loved

snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person?

dog 100000% although I’m just an animal lover so cats are great too

bell flower; what is your biggest addiction?

fanfiction

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy?

of course

moonflower; what’s your favorite color?

Blue

freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?

yeah! we’ve only grown closer as we gotten older

sundrop; are you a morning or a night person?

oh definitely a night person. I hate mornings

poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?

yeah

clover; how would your friends describe you?

quiet, funny, kind

dandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert?

oh definitely an introvert

lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

fanfiction lol

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words.

answered

lotus; best memory as a child?

answered

angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?

My eyes are hazel and my hair is a dark brown

dahlia; do you like crystals?

sure

buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

the distribution of wealth

baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?

I have no idea

calendula; biggest pet peeve?

loud chewers

blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?

probably stay at home

blazing star; share a secret.

I think I’m going to get a lip tattoo next year

carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?

definitely happier

petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why?

maybe my brother? because it took him a little bit to get focused in life and it reassures me that I don’t have to have my shit figured out yet

bluebell; do you wear glasses?

oh hell yeah

nymphea; forest or river?

river running through a forest

orchid; do you like exercise?

hate it. Although I know it’s important I get too bored with it

pansy; do you like poetry?

answered

morning glory; any special talent that you have?

I can solve a rubiks cube in under 3 mins

[the-real-tonystark]

Ok so the first one was the convo between me and my former boss (not Lestrade, I called him suludad) last Tuesday. Lower down I DID say "I only say probably but I honestly don't think he did take it. Doesn't make much sense but meh". The second pic was Thursday. Apparently I was the only person suludad told that they blamed (gonna call him NB for New Boss) but literally when Lestrade called me it was LITERALLY a 5 minute call to tell me that his shop was reopened and they may need me then he had to go to his other job. There was NO talk of suludad or them blaming NB (he woke me up anyways. I was 85% asleep but I remember what I told him).

Fast forward to today. Me and le bf go see suludad and wife. They are all Gucci and friendly with me but are displeased with bones as he brought them standees that were too small (they asked me to ask him to bring them some standees but they never told me a size. Ok why can't you ask him yourself? You have him on FB sheesh) so me and bones go to surprise Lestrade and we go to see NB. NB and his bro drop a bombshell on me. Suludad and wife BLAMED ME FOR STEALING THE SIGN AND WERE GONNA TRY TO GET ME ARRESTED. I didn't much believe it but a lady from the office came when she was doing her rounds and showed me PROOF that they tried to frame me with them. And here's the kicker.....they said they NEVER trusted me. They said I stole from them and I took money.

EXCUSE ME BUT I DONT STEAL. I've never once stolen anything (besides hearts. That's a bad habit lol). I've never stolen gum from a gas station, I've never stolen money/pills/jewelry from my mom or anyone. My mom can tell me it's ok to use something of hers and I'll still ask 10 more times to be sure it's ok because I feel like I'm stealing from her. I mean Lestrade takes little things from stores and I will NAG him, that's how good of a not thief I am.

Oh and the BIGGEST plothole? They said I TOLD NB that they blamed them. Funny thing. I have NO CONTACT with NB or his brother BESIDES going to see them IN PERSON and I haven't been to the flea market in LITERALLY A MONTH. I'm not friends with them in FB, I don't follow them on Twitter or insta, I don't have their cell numbers, I don't email them and I don't have their LinkedIn (I'm pretty sure they only have FB but idk). So all that shit they said? How can I do it if I have no contact? Which means they lied.

But no worries, there is an upside. Lestrade, in front of NB, said I was the most trustworthy person and he would trust me with his life. So after I had all of my confidence and self esteem stripped from me, he restored some of it. So I think it will be to my benefit to stick with him, even if he is a bit of a bad influence sometimes.

Now to the best news. The new place has FULL ac, wifi, a tv with streaming services, I get paid lunch and drinks, EVERYTHING IS PRICED, the shop is ENCLOSED and....I go from $15-$20 a day with suludad to a full GUARRENTEED $50 a day.

Ok I've strayed too far from my ask. Ok, my question.....if I'm to work for NB I can have NO CONTACT with suludad on FB or ANYTHING. So how do I....I guess for a lack of words....cut them out? I mean do I ghost them? Do I tell them I'm quitting because they don't trust me? I'd really like to avoid people being mad at me but it kinda seems unavoidable...... and I'd really like to not be harassed....bones, my mom and my wife all agree with me that I need to cut them out since they did that.....~TKL🐉

PS sry it's so long....

———

Shit kid - putting in your two weeks would be best, but simply tell them that you think it would be better for both parties if you got a new job.