#so i gotta start staying up again
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i signed up at the local youth employment center to get help with the whole job thing (surprisingly, they accept anyone under 35!!) and my counselor is teaching me how to write a cover letter
and i'm a tad apprehensive about the fact that the draft i sent her to evaluate is uhh full of lies lol. like i hope she doesn't tell me to stop lying; that would be entirely unhelpful
#i'm not not gonna lie in job applications obv i just need help with framing my lies#but yeah. i am trying very hard to Start A Career instead of just taking another minimum wage job#bc sure i can get by living paycheck to paycheck but when shit hit the fan i had to ask my parents for money#and i never want to have to do that ever again#also i /will/ get renovicted when my elderly landlady dies which will double my rent if i wanna stay in my neighborhood#so. gotta plan for that#hopefully i can get a salaried job that pays enough that i can save up a down payment for a condo
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It's funny how "you just need to be uncomfortable to grow and growing is a good thing that you should try to do in your life" is considered a "boomer-like" statement and how many people will genuinely respond with "sure but it's also valid if you don't want to do hard and uncomfortable things!"
DISCLAIMER: OBVIOUSLY THERE'S NUANCE
#'i mean i guess i see what youre saying but it's just so hard!' ok then stay where u are ig#like. you can#it doesnt make you less than. doesnt make u a bad person.#but you MUST understand if you refuse the choice to grow then others WILL outgrow you#they'll leave. they'll move on.#same with opportunities. they'll pass you by.#and if ur ok w that then that's fine it's ur life#but again. understand that other people will probably grow away from you. and they wont be wrong for it.#you wont be wrong for not growing either.#i think ppl get defensive because they have shame around not being where they feel theg 'should' be in life and i do get that#but at a certain point u rlly do have to get up and dig urself out of that hole..no matter how u got there#it's hard and it sucks and everyone has different circumstances but no one else is gonna save u or get u out#u gotta do it urself#u can start whenever#but the longer u say 'i'll do it when im ready' well..#sometimes u never feel ready...u just have to push thru and do it#:'/#i have sympathy but. idk i have thoughts too lol
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in the process of making a website, fully ignoring it for a month and completely forgetting what I put in as any of the test users’ login info, what I did last, what my system architecture was, and 0 clue if anything’s up to date anymore <3 lovelyy im overwhelmed
#I always do this like duuuude don’t put projects on hold#starting them again is a goddamn nightmare#but been focusing on another course bc I thought I had a closer deadline with that one but turns out I did not lol#now gotta go the stupid way of deleting old info straight from database & making up new ones and that’s boring so im procrastinating#and eitherway I’m writing tests rn aka I’m bored anyways and might start to fuck around with css a bit too much just to see#but tbh I’d need some css practise like it’s always been the ’’let’s get shit to work & not worry abt how it looks’’-mentality here and lik#k that works for a while but at some point u gotta learn to make it not look like the most boring shit u’ve ever seen#also I'm not loving this like as an idea but I'm just doing whatever I need to do to get the course done; it's for learning not for like#any actually interesting websites/apps (got couple side project ideas but also should focus on real courses not side projects rn)#(thinking abt making an app for my mom as a christmas present but idk if that's like crappy bc basically 70% of it'd be bc I need projects#for my cv so like it's not a real present bc it's also for me so like idk maybe I'll just make it anyways (it's an app she's been trying to#find but there isn't one that's like exactly what she's looking for))#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post
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#sunny and hot outside today#rather quiet except for the birdsong#i know it’s august but it feels like summer#just woke up from a sleep paralysis nap lmao#dreamt i was too high to move#but people/ my phone kept informing me i was failing all my classes again 😂😂#and i was so guilty cuz i’d spent all my time drinking and smoking instead of studying#not what happened irl btw#i actually still tried when i was at uoft i was simply too unwell for the workload 😂 brain getting confused#imma shower wash the dishes get lunch then practice bass#the audio interface i ordered is awesomesauce but i’m completely broke the rest of this month 🥲#also bass is really difficult#i guess starting anything is#picking it up is supposed to be easy compared to other instruments but i only have piano to compare to#and i’ve been playing piano since i was four#mostly i’m just frustrated i’m not good at it right away#like usual#told my mates id actually learn to play over the break so i gotta lock in#still absolutely shite#band never gonna happen at this point#new school term starting soon i can’t wait to have a proper schedule to follow again#and i wanna hang out with my friends#idk what to do about The Issue but i suppose there’s no issue#life shall proceed and we’re still friends#who give a shit#feelings are internal and incorporeal and can stay that way how tf they gonna screw anything up unless u let them#think things r gonna be ok#smiley face emoji
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im awake. i may try to go back 2 sleep but i haven been sleeping for like 10 hours
#super proud bc i woke up in an am ! yay :] 3am isnt bad ....#ill only need 2 stay up likee. 17 hours minimum to have a Good bedtime#probably more like 19-21#i gotta ask my mom if we can start watching dw earlier in the day so i dont get off trck again... usually we go til 2#which i can manage when im not stupid butter lass. stupid
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well! that project's out of my brain now :) now what
#just me hi#“now what” i have tide in there now and i am not going to post much about them lmao#or maybe i will i dunno! but some things stay the most fun when they're secrets ehe :3#//a lot of weather has been happening recently huh#lot more than i'm used to anyway lol - and why's it gotta be so humid out here like C'mon hghf#the air. is Thick. and Wet. like a toad#//Oh but i've been having so much fun drawing recently lol :D#it started getting flat and really boring for some reason to where it felt like i was doing it like a chore - just a motion to keep the#gears running ykno? but yeah i've been enjoying it a lot more these past so many days :D !#i didn't even really notice it until i realized i had zoned in on a comic i was drawing and hadn't considered working on anything else hfsh#//also i've been playing with that music box app/website again - i should prolly use a real music program but none of them are like this#thing ykno? cuz i just tip tap and Boom the sound i need is Right There !! :>#i tried soundtrap i really did but man it's a lot hhhghf#i don't like how it's set up unfortunately. oh well!#i need like minimal clutter or i Die. Gruesomely hbfsh - just what i need and nothing less nothing more. it's a balance#/despite that i am Really Bad at passively organizing things lol - and when i try i just misplace things like crazy. scavenger hunts are a#guarantee lol :)#//i'm still struggling spell guarantee btw but oo am i getting close !! hfshbh#it's the second A it always trips me up#that does not sound like an A. i believe that's identity fraud my friend [<- aggressive squinting]#//anyway sun's out i'm inside and i'm going to listen to music forever#/do you think there are electric guitars in the heavenly choir? hm!#//anyway back to my wanderings!! toodles toodles :D
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I just realized that I've gotten old enough that my old habit of waking up and immediately going about my day will not work anymore because of the risk of low blood pressure resulting in fainting.
#aria rants#earlier today i woke up with the urge to pee. so i just opened my eyes and then got up immediately with no pause#speedwalked to the bathroom then did my business there but as i sat there i could feel it again. and i was like: ohfuck#i had to quickly finish up then speedwalked again to my room to immediately lie down cuz if i spent another second#out of bed im gonna have a bad time. and then i could feel my heart struggling to catch up from just on the verge#of slowing down to beating normally cuz it was a quick action from my heart noticing the low blood pressure to my brain#to suddenly being provided just the right amount and i was lying there like: would a handstand help speed this process up#like back then when i was attending school. my mom would wake me up and then id just get up right after cuz i was like:#if i stay laying down i might end up sleeping again so better to get up alrdy. and also cuz i had a strict schedule#so waking up is the very start of it and i gotta just get going once that happens but now if i try to do smth like that#my body hates it and immediately punishes me for it so now i gotta spend a few mins just lying there after waking up
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I need like. A bible level miracle of an opportunity even suggest itself to me so i can possibly start a career in something lol
#its unfortunate but its true thay i am in fact running out of time i could be using to accomplish something meaningful and set myself up#for a promising future. like ill be having a late start regardless. but i know that this is something i have to do sooner or later#i cant stay in retail. i cant serve people who willingly politicize a genocide as it happens in real time#i know there are plenty of zionists here just based on the comic store job alone lol i know theyre here too#despite there also being plenty of palestinians that i have Already witnessed just outside my current work now get ostracized#its gut wrenching. i cant stay here#but i am abbbbsoLUTELY clueless in what i should be working towards#ill be honest...i dont like my new job and i Dont trust my boss. i dont like her. she is rude and unnecessarily so.#if i so much as wore a palestinian bracelet i know im going to relive some twilight zone stern talking to shit Again#what ever happened to community or humanity anyways im getting off topic lol#i just needed to write all these rebounding thoughts down theres a lot going on#i gotta go on a quest and figureee it out. you know#figure it OUT 💪💪💪
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I had Spider-Man 2 mailed to my house when I pre-ordered it and it hasn't arrived yet so I've just been spending my entire day dodging spoilery Youtube thumbnails like Tobey Maguire dodging Green Goblin's razor bats in slo-mo in that one scene.
#honestly i need to stop having games mailed to my house when i pre-order them cause it just makes it stressful to wait for them#like it just makes me nervous that they're just not gonna show up#even though that hasn't happened yet like i did the same thing with jedi survivor and mortal kombat 1 and they both arrived on the day#so like this one shouldn't be any different. ideally.#yet i get nervous about it anyway#i think part of it is these last few weeks in general have been incredibly stressful#two of the jobs i applied for got back to me at around the same time#and i gotta pick which one i wanna go forward with but i don't wanna burn bridges with either of them#so i'm basically just stringing them both along until i can pick one#and i'm still doing the online graphic design course but all the job shit is making it hard to stay caught up with that#AND i got a transaction notification for something i didn't purchase so i had to deactivate my credit card and get a new one#idk who got my credit card information or how or if i can get that money back but hopefully it doesn't happen again#basically i just need this damn game to get here on time so i'll have one less thing stressing me out#also another reason i need to stop having these games mailed to me is they always arrive in the afternoon#abd modern games take fucking forever to download onto the console#so even when you get them on the release day you gotta wait a billion hours to start playing#so when they arrive in the afternoon it basically means they won't finish downloading until well past midnight#so basically you judt gotta let it download overnight while you sleep and start it the next day#so yeah after this i should probably just go back to picking uo pre-orders at the store#especially when i get an apartment i wouldn't want the mail person just setting a $70 game on the floor outside my apartment while i'm gone#shut up tristan
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fr if taylor and philip don't kiss then what's this all been about. (the entire series of billions) what is it all for
#and it's so damn plausible....#billions Does go ''this character's doing better :)'' by having them dating someone which = they kissed (& possibly also then fucked)#and taylor has over & over chosen other priorities over what's good just for Business or Power. why wouldn't they now#starting tmc was for themself & was an obviously super risky business move Not guaranteed more lucrative than staying w/axe#but they had to do it b/c they personally couldn't bear to keep operating that way as axe's begrudgingly more compensated tool#to use whenever however he wanted....end of s4 obviously made the pivot away from not only profits but hypothetical Personal Revenge....#end of s5 again they gotta Not be axe's tool. arguably dumping lauren was a redirect of what they could've done re their personal#relationship with wendy; the more longstanding one there & the one most poised to fuck more shit up for them even now....#s6 they're still just awaiting their chance to break out; they've handed themself the memo of ''don't date someone based on being trapped i#the inescapable escape room together b/c you both decide not to pursue more of a life outside the escape room than that''#(which; like wendy not going to superhell being like ''lol. ok Sure she prudently wouldn't'': rian shouldn't be dying to date taylor b/c#neither of them have ever been shown enjoying each other's company very much or for more than 5 seconds; but if for some reason that's not#enough and if she's fired off zero thoughts abt why it's a shit idea to slap the zillionaire politician boss man twice your age's bald head#then i don't believe she'd sagely & so much respect warrantingly turn taylor down. but it's pretty clear that rian's motivations are Only#gonna ever be whatever the [other character's plotlines] in any given scene would be conveniently helped along by. amazing)#meanwhile philip has chosen to be here but he's very much Not just like ''ok guess i'll go in the escape room'' with it#doesn't work for taylor or vice versa; Chose to work With taylor And vice versa#they Do both choose to interact and Do both find it enriching; already unlike taylor interacting with rian#& already p much outdoing the development of taylaur or the mistake that was [not just banging oscar once if you're gonna bother at all]#(or at least making it a ''we'll hook up if you're on my coast'' maximizing Convenience cwb situation) (colleagues)#it's so Enriched overall already like. this has to be Important#and we'll take ''it is important'' and please In A Good Way#and billions is perfectly liable to make it a matter of kissing into dating into your personal stonks being up#winston billions#taylip#just looking at those images like....c'mon
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Studying and packing for my move have taken over my life rn 😭
#as well as other little things like my own personal learning that i always do! gotta make sure I learn new skills!#currently refreshing myself on my coding skills#and i'm still doing a ton of job applying and looking for volunteering opportunities#i may have a volunteer opportunity lined up since 1 animal charity is interested in me!#so sorry for my slight absence this week! so much going on in life!#sky rambles#also started to take sleeping meds to help me actually get a full rest#as soon as i've finished packing for my move and got a decent schedule down I should be less overwhelmed!!!!#and be able to create again!#still working on request i've just been really hating my colouring lately can't get anything to work!#normally I would spend all my time I stay awake in the night working on stuff as well but my sister said I need to sleep#also I think I need glasses 😭 my sight is starting to fuck up lol
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another Loki spoiler post bc now I have different thoughts and this times its lokius thoughts
#so i'm writing a fic#('Another time champ' on AO3)#and as I'm watching this finale and see everything Loki goes through#and the stakes get bigger and bigger#and the philosophy gets deeper and deeper#i'm like - this is all SO much bigger than Lokius that i'm just embarrassed now#I'm the kinda writer where I want to stay as canon-compliant as possible#I want the story to fit neatly in the world and make sense in the tapestry of everything#so when they throw this existentially intense curveball at us#where Loki gives up his life as he knows it to become a kind of cosmic godking of time and the multiverse#I look at my little fic about a Loki variant and a TVA analyst falling in love and i'm like#who ordered this?#feels silly now#but then again I always considered the fic as a branched timeline#a timeline only made possible now bc of Loki's sacrifice :'(#there's gotta be a way for Loki to be Loki again right?#just a dude again#just a guy#a guy who loves a jet ski salesman variant#oh god - and don't get me started on that conversation he had with Mobius about burden#it hurts so much#Mobius not being able to prune the little boy.... always guilty for other hunters blood on his hands????#this is too much#I just need to lay down a while#it was just so much - so real - so emotional - so much at once!
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After a few bugs in your room within few days you just start getting accustomed to them huh
#nightmare#but it's chill#I'm actually chill#not happy but calm enough#everytime another one pops up my reaction goes down#starting with END OF THE WORLD over OH GOD NOT AGAIN I'M GONNA SET MYSELF ON FIRE over AGAIN??? FUCKER?! to oh no :/ oh well there we go#again#helps to know apparently it's normal and not just a me problem#it's the same bugs over and over again so if there's new ones popping up I might go into full phobia mode again#but what can you do#it's them or me#and i gotta stay here for a while so#death upon them all#void screams
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at this rate im gonna be on my 6 hour shift (two 3 hour lectures) on no sleep but thats ok i remembered to pack my lunch this time (^__^)b
#forgot my lunch at home after i put in the effort to pack it up and started crying at school 2 day ago b4 my mom texted me#n was like do u need me to buy u lunch again#so thats how im doing <- insane#i am actually doing better than i have been i think my meds finally calibrated to my brain again#performed mild system maintenance and updates (cleaned my room did my laundry)#also my computer scared the hell out of me bc it kept bluescreening. guess who on loop forgot to take it apart and clean it out !#for a year !#it was so dusty in there !#it took half an hour to clean all the parts !#now the fan makes no noise so like shes all better ^__^#just gotta get through monday <- i say this every week#i stay up till 7 doing a painting and i know my teacher is gonna give me like 70 on it but thats ok#the gamer speaks uwu
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that artist feeling where you have so many other things you SHOULD be doing and so many other things of your own that you really, really wish you had the motivation to work on but all that gets you going is just... other ppl’s ocs.....
#art block been insane rn drawing back to being like pulling teeth#weekends are so frustrating i open projects and close projects open them again and try to do something and it looks worse than before#i have one commission i've been working on for overhalf a year now and it's fine bc they're understanding and i have a day job so it's fine#but i'm to all of the fine details and sculpting and that's always the hardest part im always second guessing what i make#so instead of that or any of my actual work i'm just drawing somebody's oc for their bday coming up bc it's always such a good excuse to#draw other ppl's ocs#i wish i had one of those working brains that can do what you want it to do when you need it to#also i think maybe i gotta just start doing projects with other people maybe that'll help me stay motivated to work on things
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i just woke up and my tooth hurts >:(
#i’m gonna take ibuprofen and go back to bed for a lil bit i think#if i don’t fall back asleep i’ll be back tho and i’ll take a nice lil nap later :)#the tooth is the one that is broken and i got stabbed in the gum with a dorito yesterday#i’m Thankful for my broken tooth being my molar in the very back on the bottom left but ALSO. it’s so inconvenient bc it always hurts my#cheek when i move my mouth certain ways ugh it’s awful don’t break ur tooth kids !#i say that like there’s a choice 🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻#i always have taken pretty good care of my teeth but a piece of gum decided to fuck me up like three years ago and my tooth has been slowly#breaking off piece by piece since. not great! but i’m used to it now and it really doesn’t bother me most of the time#but i had a new piece break off like a week and a half ago and so it has been sensitive againnnnn#i gotta start using peroxide in my mouthwash again that was helpful before#i was also cursed bc there’s teeth issues in both sides of my family so rip#also as i’m typing this i just wanna stay awake#but also i’m soooo cozy in my bed
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