#so i hyperventilated on the shower floor while i washed and i don't even feel clean

[camellia-thea]

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[inactive-luv]

Normal

normal

normal

TW: depression, gender dun dUN DUN

word count: 2216

a/n: i’ve got a lot more gender neutral Spencer Reid fics loading :P

(Spencer's POV)

On a normal day, I would set my alarm for five in the morning and wake up slowly. I'd pour a cup of coffee and make myself some toast. I take a shower and brush my teeth and maybe listen to an audiobook on my way to work. I got this recommendation from Garcia, Ready Player One. I listened to the narrator's voice at a pace 'normal' people would read.

A part of me always felt self-conscious about myself, how I was different compared to everyone else. My mom called me special but that just made things worse. Special still sounds like there was something wrong with me. And that was just my I.Q, later on, I constantly got made fun of for the way I dressed, how I wasn't 'normal' enough. Never 'masculine' enough.

I haven't had a normal day in months. I started to wake up naturally around three am, if I ever slept. My thoughts kept me awake, thinking about the insults and taunts I got. I lay in bed most days. I told Hotch I was sick and stayed in a comatose state for most of the day. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder about myself.

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't eat, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't use the bathroom. The thought of having to stand up in front of the toilet. Washing my hands in a men's restroom, everything just made me sick. I hadn't gone to work in a week. It sounds odd but I didn't feel safe there. Work used to be where I could concentrate and use my abilities to my advantage, I watched and analyzed people's emotions for a living but now, it became so hard to think about myself.

I felt exposed in the workplace, at home I felt more comfortable using my own bathroom and I could wear my own clothes. I felt like someone else in the bullpen, someone different. Having to hear my name makes me feel imaginary. I didn't feel real in my body.

Getting out of bed this morning exhausted me. I dragged my feet across the wood and looked down at my sweater. The temperature in my house was always hot, something with the thermostat, but I couldn't stand looking at my own skin. I wore a thick sweater and a robe on top of it, long pajama pants and big socks. I knew I had to take off these clothes if I wanted to go to work today. I really did, I missed my friends, I missed having to do something.

Having a purpose meant a lot to me. I lost sight of what I was meant to do with my life, I would just mope around my apartment without doing anything and I still felt exhausted. I hated being here, I needed to do something. I couldn't just stay here for the rest of my life. I so desperately wanted my normal life again, but I couldn't even think about stepping outside my house.

I hate thinking about having to do normal things. I hated using public restrooms and wearing my normal clothes. Life becomes meaningless if you can't even look at yourself in the mirror.

A while back I put towels over all of my mirrors, this morning I lifted the one in my bedroom. I looked at myself for the first time in a long time. I looked at my eyes, the bags underneath them screamed tired and disgusting. My whole face looked blue and purple. I saw the veins in my neck, and when I touched them I winced.

Taking a deep breath, I started to remove the robe in front of me. I watched the fabric fall to the floor when I felt the ends of my sweater. A burst of energy filled my gut and flooded through my veins, causing me to haphazardly lift the shirt fully over my head and shimmied my pants off. I felt angry. Angry at myself for not being able to do the easiest things. And sad watching my body shake and my skin crawl.

I forced myself to stare at my chest. I stared long and hard at the flat shape and bare skin. I started to run my hand over my abdomen and I could feel my ribs protrude out of my skin. Tears started to fill my eyes when I glazed over my underwear. I could see the outline of my legs and the thought of what was between them made me sick. I felt like throwing up.

I rushed to the bathroom and clutched at the sides of the toilet. I quickly thought about all of the germs and bacteria and immediately lunged away from the seat. I washed my hands five or six times until my skin curled underneath the stream. I splashed the water on my face and began to sob. I ran my hands over my face and my eyes tinged from the tears.

When my hands roamed their way back to my chest I fell to the floor in a mixture of emotions. I felt depressed, gross, I felt cheated in my own flesh and blood. I felt contained to the bottom of my bathroom sink. The tears relaxed and I started to slowly lift myself off of the cold tile.

I wobbled back to my bedroom and tried to open my drawers. I reached for a dotted shirt and slowly buttoned the clothes on myself. With each button, I sniffed and let out a heavy sigh. I wanted to change my underwear but every time I slid my fingers past the waistband I cringed. I couldn't bring myself to look past my abdomen.

I just tried to pull on a pair of work pants without my eyes and slide a brown belt through the loops. I stared at myself in the dresser mirror and reached for another layer to put on over my body, a brown cardigan. I wanted to smile. I tried to force the corners of my lips to move upward but they only drooped a little lower. I swallowed my tongue and went to get my coat.

...

I walked into the lobby and saw people walking throughout the halls, I felt so out of place. I slowly slumped up to the elevator and pressed the button. It was halfway through the workday, a little after lunch. It was raining so hard outside I could hear it through the elevator walls, I heard the pat pat pat just outside the floors and I started to feel thirsty. I hadn't drunk much water in public because I didn't want to have to use a public bathroom. It wasn't a problem until one day I had to be sent to the emergency room.

I got nervous as the elevator doors began to open. I lifted my head and was relieved not to meet anyone as I stepped out. A sore feeling manifesting itself in my throat. I look up to see everyone in the conference room. I barely catch Rossi's eye when I start to walk up to the bullpen. Soon I can feel everyone's eyes on my back when I rest my bag on the edge of my seat.

J.J. walks out of the room to wave me over. I watch her walk back into the room, I look at her heels and her pretty blouse. I think back to what I'm wearing and feel gross. Why do I keep stressing about these sorts of things? Morgan doesn't worry about how he's dressed. Hotch doesn't care about shoes or what he has to wear. Rossi was the one who probably cared the most and even he didn't notice the things I do.

I rush up the stairs noticing how everyone is waiting on me. My pace slows down as I get closer and closer to the threshold of the conference room. "Hey, pretty boy's here!" I clench my jaw at the sound of that nickname. My stomach turns inside out and I think about just running out of the room and heading back home, or anywhere but here. "Why don't you sit down we were just starting." Garcia tries to talk to me in her sweet voice. I missed her so much, I missed everyone.

"No thank you," I whisper. I hadn't spoken words out loud in a long time. I don't talk to myself and I hadn't seen anyone else in days. I clear my throat gaining a sliver of strength from the anger in my gut. "No thank you I," I start stronger before pausing mournfully again, "I think I need to say a few things before I come back, officially. C- can you all please sit down." I choke in my breath and all of their faces turn worried when they look at me.

"Uhm, I know I haven't been here in a while but uhm," I turn my head to the floor, "I want to be able to come back, I do, and I uh," It gets really hard to talk without tearing up. I swallow hard when J.J tries to pat my arm, I don't mean to but I flinch and try to push her hand away. "I can't come back until," I'm afraid I'll start hyperventilating, "God I'm sorry." I move my hands up to my face and wipe away a few tears before swallowing and whispering again. "I can't come back until I figure out what's wrong with me."

"Kid there's nothing wrong with you-" "Yes there is! I- I- I can't sleep! I can't get dressed by myself! I can't even use the bathroom without feeling sick!" The words pool out of my mouth in a harsh tone and J.J. steps back when I flail my arms, "I can't look at myself in the mirror," Tears stream down my cheek when I turn my face around the room. "I need things to be different around here." Even Hotch's expression turns saddened and weak.

"I-" I choke and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. " I hate the name 'pretty boy'." I try to turn my eyes from Derek who's leaned over to see my expression, "I hate being referred to as 'Sir' or 'Mr.'" I bite my quivering top lip and draw my eyes back to the floor. "I hate hearing," I pause and clear my throat again thinking it would help stop my cracking voice, "he did this or it was him who," I sniff looking at Garcia whose eyes are also filled with tears.

"I'm not comfortable," I whisper and Emily gapes her mouth as if to say something then closes it rubbing her nose instead. "I haven't been comfortable for a long time. I don't know what I am anymore." The word 'what' sticks in the air for a minute before J.J. tries to pat my arm again and I let her. She eases in to hold me and I shut my eyes to stop sobbing.

"I- I- need," I start before shaking my head, "I'd like people to treat me differently." I furrow my brow thinking what to say next, "I looked online," I wipe my face again trying to slide J.J away from me, "and all the labels really scared me but uhm," I pause again "I think I'd like to try something I've been pushing down for a while." Rossi nods his head.

I feel awkward standing in front of all of these people, my friends. Years ago I could trust them with my life but now I felt so exposed and broken. I was scared of how they were going to react, I felt like screaming in my stance and running out of the room crying. I muttered out the first words before shaking my head and trying again. "I think," I clear my throat again, "I want to try different," I look at the group, averting my eyes off the floor while the edges of my lips curl into a saddened smile, before whispering the last word, "Pronouns."

I see Emily mutter a small "Oh," and Morgan's face turns confused. I slump into a hunched position and continue to cry softly when people start nodding their heads looking up at me. "Well," Hotch starts and people start to look at him. "I think that what you're asking for is," He pauses looking to the group then back at me.

"Perfectly reasonable and we will do or call you whatever you want" They all nod and mutter incoherent words. "Yes, yes of course we can." Garcia stammers wiping tears from her eyes looking at me from across the room. "What, uhm what would you like?" She asks rubbing her hands together, "To, you know," she shakes her hands before wiping more tears from her face.

I smile for the first time in weeks. It's not a toothy smile or a cheek to cheek grin but, it makes me feel safe knowing I can still do the things I used to. Come into work and smile. I catch my sighs and draw in a deep breath before looking at Garcia, "They/them." And the rest of the team smiles too.

...

[babylooneytoonz]

Warnings: Too much cuteness , cute bickering , fluff , non descriptive mention of sex

(Coffee Stains Masterlink )

How on earth were you supposed to know that the mission Natasha and Bucky had gone for would be lasting for over a month? Had you known that, you would have asked them to send someone else instead. Ever since Bucky had made that tiny confession the day he left for the mission, you hadn't been able to stop thinking of him. Especially at nights, when you went to bed at night, cuddling against the pillow that Bucky had gotten for you, you missed him. Your mornings were mostly spent with Wanda or Sam at the gym, where you practiced your yoga and a few mild exercises, while Wanda and Sam worked out their usual. It was almost five times in a week that you lazily strolled up to Steve; and tried to subtly ask Steve by making small talks with him on the updates of his mission, and when was Bucky and Natasha coming back.

It was almost 35 days later, and you stepped out of your bath, your towel wrapped around your now oversized body; droplets of water dripping off you onto the rugged floor of your warm room. You went into your closet, squinting slightly when you turned on the lights and sat down on the floor, crossing your legs underneath you, as your eyes started looking for anything you could wear for the night that was remotely comfortable. You wouldn't lie, the past month had been a horror in terms of you wreaking havoc at the Avengers towers, screaming and blasting at others because there was nothing that you would actually fit into. Worst part of all that you felt was, Tony had decided to take a vacation with Pepper now, when he would have helped by magically filling up your closet with a wide array of loose fitting outfits by just a twirl of his magic wand.

You were, however, beyond thankful to Sam Wilson. The two of you snuck into Bucky's apartment; to steal his t-shirts at times. And tonight was one of those days.

You stepped into Bucky's closet, your fingers skimming over the range of his t-shirts, until they landed on a soft cotton black t-shirt with a Captain America shield printed on it. You couldn't help but giggle as you pulled it off the hanger, running your palm over the print. You locked the closet from the inside, ignoring the rummaging sounds that you could hear outside, knowing well aware that Sam was going through Bucky's stuff again.

Sliding the t-shirt on, you looked at yourself in the mirror; a faint hint of a smile breaking out on your lips as your eyes fell on your own reflection in the live size mirror in his closet. Your hands mechanically moved to trace over the outlines of your seven month old bump, but that smile was short-lived when the baby inside squirmed and kicked your bladder hard, causing you to almost double over, gripping the counter in front of you. "Please stop my love, please stop squirming, I know you have your father's energies running inside you, and you want to come on out already but that's not happening for another two months buddy. You gotta hang in there."

You grabbed one of his loose fitting sweatpants next, and hurriedly shoved your feet into them, struggling to pull it as much as you could so the elastic remained at the base of your belly's curve.

You unlocked his closet, scratching the back of your head as you stepped out of the closet; waiting to come face to face with your friend, who had probably dumped the entire contents of Bucky's bedside table drawers onto the bed. You had least expected a dozen condoms strewn over the bed, and you were ready to blast Sam out for doing that but a sudden look of startle graced your face when you saw that instead of Sam, Bucky was sitting on his bed, his eyes exhausted and droopy, yet, a look of excitement to be back home evident on his face. He has his hands on his elbows, and he was leaning forward, and the instant you stepped out, he couldn't help but feel blown away, even more so because you were dressed in his clothes, making it a lot more intimate than he had imagined your first meet with him post the mission to be.

"Holy shit! James Buchanan Barnes!" Your hand flew to your heart, and your eyes widened in surprise, but soon, a soft smile broke out against your lips, and you could feel tears poking into your eyes.

"Hi?" He let out a soft chuckle, and stood up slowly, taking two reluctant steps towards you.

"Hi, Barnes. You're late." You smirked, taking two steps towards him, and then pausing to eye him, for any injuries that you could see. "Are you– "

"I'm fine, doll," he smiled, and then crinkled his nose in the most cutest manner, before mumbling in a low voice, "Come 'ere." He threw open his arms, wide enough for you and your massive bump to fit in entirely, and you just let out a sob, loud enough for him to hear it, as you waddled into his embrace, burying your nose into the side of his neck.

"Jesus, Buck. I missed you." You mumbled against the side of his neck, when his flesh arm came to rest against your back. "How'd it go?"

He slowly pulled back from your embrace, and took your wrist in his, walking with you to the side of his bed. He made you sit down against the edge of the bed, slowly lowering himself down in front on his heels and toes, looking up at you. "It was alright, we kicked some asses. Punk told me though, the not so subtle ways in which you kept trying to get information out of him."

"Hey! I tried my best. How can you blame me? I wanted to know when you were coming back." You giggled, toying with one of his sweaty strands of hair, twirling it around your fingers. "You're a mess, Barnes. And you stink of sweat." You smirked down at him, only to have him smirk back as he stood up, hooking two of his fingers against the round neck collar of the t-shirt that you were wearing, belonging to him, and tugged at it playfully, until you were slightly pulled to the front, a low gasp escaping your lips, "Barnes, you pervert!"

"Might as well let me take a shower, and then I'll talk to ya," he smirked before he turned away, his footsteps subsiding until the door to his bathroom slammed shut and the sound of the shower turning on reached your ears. You randomly grabbed your phone, finally deciding to text back on the messages that were pending to be replied since over a week. It was now or never, right?

By the time you were done with replying to all the texts, you heard the shower go off. Seconds later, Bucky stepped out, wearing his sweatpants, and a worn out t-shirt that looked comfy as fuck, the towel still around his neck, his hair sticking to his face . He pulled the towel off his neck, mumbling something under his breath as he started drying his hair, and at the same time, his eyes started darting all across the room, looking for something.

"Buck, what you looking for when I'm right here?" You looked at him, smugly.

"My hair tonic," he deadpanned, "must've been your partner in crime, Wilson."

You crossed your legs and sat back, your head now resting against the headboard of his bed, while your fingers stroked over the fabric over your bump, trying to calm down your baby, who was beginning to wake up from their slumber again.

"That's the reason for your beautiful, silky locks?"

"If you weren't the mother of my child, you'd be thrown out of my room. No one shames me for my hair treatment." He fake scowled at you, but you could see the smirk hidden behind that scowl.

Finally, giving up, he tossed the towel away, and made his way into bed, climbing into the blanket that you had now draped over your feet. He turned to his side, his arm stretched and resting on the headboard behind you, he kept staring at you. It was the first time; you realized that the two of you were going to talk to each other, ever since you were back.

Suddenly, the silence and the anticipation was killing you. You averted your gaze, looking down at your fingers when he cleared his throat.

"This isn't how I wanted this to go."

"Well, I'm sorry I put a responsibility on you then– " Bucky hadn't even begun speaking completely, you had already started hyperventilating.

"Yeah, can we have a conversation like mature adults? Without you trying to pick a verbal fight with me?"

You just lifted your middle finger, scratching your nose with it, and gave him a scowl. He rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore it, and began speaking again, "I just – I am kind of not very opposed to this idea. Of us, having a kid together."

"Am I dreaming or Sergeant Barnes is actually happy he knocked me up?" You unknowingly pushed yourself closer towards him, so now your side was brushing against his. However, before you could say something else, Bucky 's lips pressed against yours and a small squeal left your lips, as a reflex for you had least anticipated this, at least not at that time. His lips were soft against yours , his kiss gentle and carefree. When he finally pulled back, he swiped his thumb over your lower lip, "You don't shut up, do you?"

"If that is how you're gonna shut me up, then you're gonna have to deal with my sharp tongue for a lot longer."

He parted his lips, almost ready to speak, but his face fell slightly, and it looked like he was contemplating how to say whatever it was that was stuck to the back of his mind. Your smug smile washed off and a look of concern filled you up, your fingers tightening against his in reflex, "Buck, you know you can say it to me. I know, the last time, we spoke to each other and bared out our life in front of each other, it didn't go so well but I promise I am going to try my best to understand."

"There are a lot of what ifs in the back of my mind, I just can't seem to get past those," his voice sounded low, and weak. It was so sad, it broke your heart.

"Buck, it's okay. Look at me. You think I'm handling this well? Hell, I'm scared of waking up, and finding my baby taken away from me, and being experimented upon in any of HYDRA's bases, and I won't be able to find them."

His eyebrow twitched, and a sudden surge of anger surged through him, and reflexively his metal arm slid through your waist and he pulled you close so you were now sitting with your bump pressed against his side, "But Buck, I also know that this kid's got bad ass parents, who are never going to let that happen."

He looked up at you, his eyes failing to hide his insecurities, his fears that were slowly eating at him from the inside; making him look like a vulnerable child. Hesitantly, you reached for his flesh arm, coiling your fingers against his, bringing his palm to your swollen stomach as you let it rest there. You could sense his hesitancy, but after a few seconds, you felt him relax into you, his hand now firmly placed on your bump, warmth radiating from him, "What if I suck at this? At being a dad? What if my super serum causes problems that our child has to deal with– "

"Bucky?" You brought your lips to his temple, kissing him softly, "I know you're freaked out. So am I. And I know, this baby might be different, given your super serum, that I'm sure they are, no normal baby kicks like that Buck," you chuckled, and at the same time, a loose tear escaped your eye as you hiccupped and wiped it away, "the point is. We both are and we both will have to deal with it. We bring them up like any normal baby in this world should grow up. It doesn't matter that their parents are a freaking spy and a super soldier."

"And they will keep coming after them, just because it's my fucking serum running through their veins." He said, with a look of seriousness in his eyes. You knew he was right.

"Let them. I'm ready for them, they can try all they want, but I won't let them touch a hair on their head," you replied back, immediately stiffening as Bucky's metal arm came to rest against the low of your back in order to calm you down.

"I won't let that happen, love. Trust me, if they try to take what's mine, I will pull each of them out from whichever corner of the world they're hiding and send them to hell."

"Buck," you finally smirked, in a sudden movement as you waddled on top of him, pinning him to the headboard as he just looked at you in a daze, his jaw lightly hung at the suddenness of it all, as you sat on his abdomen, "I think my water just broke?"

He looked at you in horror, ready to jump out of bed, "What?!! Already? Friday– "

"Jeez, I'm kidding Barnes, I was just trying a pick up line."

"You what?!!" He sat up, holding you by your shoulders, looking at you in an annoyed way, "and what kind of a pick up line was that, Y/N?"

"Well, I think my water just broke, or was that just the effect of your words?"

"That was the most pathetic pick up line ever."

"Was it, really?" You smirked, as you teasingly rolled your hip, your core brushing over the bulge in his sweatpants, his eyes momentarily closing as he pressed his head against the headboard and grunted in a hungry way, "I really do think it had an effect on you."

"Come on, you're seven months pregnant. What if something happens?"

"Barnes, we're not going to fight a wrestling match. I'll be on top." You winked, and before the father of your baby could protest, you were already snaking your palm through the waistband of his sweatpants, "besides, you keep forgetting , this kid is not just a baby, it's a freaking super soldier baby."

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

The sex was amazing, and you were screaming out Bucky's name so loud, Sam had to knock on his door screaming his ass off that the two of you needed to keep it down, for he was trying to read. You chuckled, sliding underneath the warm covers that he usually slept in. They were soft and they smelt nice, just like him.

You saw from the corner of your eye, as Bucky sat up, moving his legs out of the blanket so he could slide his slippers on. You grabbed a mound of his t-shirt , rolling the fabric into your fist, "Where are you going?"

"To get your pillow, I thought you can't sleep without it?"

You gave him a smile and reached for his arm, trying to get him back into bed, "I have you to cuddle against, my live size pillow."

"I don't want to crush our baby, doll."

You nodded, giving him a sweetest little smile as he stood up and disappeared out of his room, and within a few minutes, he was back, the yellow maternity pillow draped over his waist like a snake coiling around him. You threw out your hands like a two year old waiting to be given candy and he grinned, walking up to your side of the bed so he could place it there.

Immediately, you coiled around the pillow, curling into a ball around it, and you almost dozed off, feeling Bucky get into bed behind you, and flicking off the lamp.

You weren't used to this, sleeping in bed, with James Buchanan Barnes, and having him snuggle into you, forming a big spoon around you, while you clung on to your pillow, and he clung on to your bump, his hand protectively holding you against him.

It was all fine and good, until your eyes jerked open in the middle of the night, and the loss of physical contact made you stir slightly in bed, as you rolled over to Bucky's side. A smile paved its way to your lips, when you saw him almost rolled over on his front, his arm hanging the side of the bed, all the blankets having been hogged by you. Slowly, you inches closer to the Winter Soldier, slowly placing your palm on his arm, nuzzling against him slightly, "Bucky, are you awake? Mhm, wake up, Barnes, your baby wants to have a hot chocolate fudge sundae."

"Go to sleep, woman," he grumbled, trying to pull the pillows over his head but you just nudged him harder.

"Wake up, I'm pregnant because you didn't use a fucking condom. And now, it's your job to make sure your little family is fed."

He slowly stirred , letting out a loud yawn as he slowly turned on his back, and rubbed his eyes, and then opened just one eye, grabbing your wrist so he could yank you closer, "Oh yeah? You could have asked to pull out. But you wanted to take it all. Said you could handle it."

"Fuck you, Barnes. Now can we? I know a place that's open 24x7 where we're gonna get what this bugger wants."

"Cant you have pretzels? I thought they liked pretzels."

"Yeah, that's old news, babe. You were gone for a month." You smirked and pushed yourself out of bed, and groaning to himself, Bucky finally sat up and grabbed the clock from his bedside table glancing at the time, before mumbling, "Good thing I love you doll because it's fucking 3 am in the morning."

You almost slipped forward, your foot barely into your slippers. Your knees felt wobbly suddenly and you had to grab the wall for support to keep yourself upright. Bucky's head snapped towards you and he looked at you, alarm filling him up. Within a second, he was by your side, looking down at you.

"you okay? What's happening?"

"Did you just say you love me?"

"You just slipped Y/N."

"Nah, that was my little display that I was shocked."

"Holy shit, you're so dramatic," he lifted you off your foot; bridal style, as he made his way towards the door, but you didn't let him step out of the door, as you lodged your foot against it.

"Put me down, Barnes."

He smirked, "No!"

"I hate you."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow.

"No, you idiot. I love you too! Now put me down."

(Okay, this chapter is somehow really close to my heart. I loved writing it. 😭❤️)

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