#so i now have like 20 movie dates planned for wicked alone

[loullipopx]

The Wizard will see you now !! 💚

Based on this shot !!

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this mini trailer, it's my favourite musical, one of my all-time favourite characters, and it all looks so fantastical ;w; Thank you Jon Chu !!

[scarletwinterxx]

End to Start pt. 3 - Jaehyun AU

Hello lovelies! this part took awhile to write but she’s here, i hope you like it! I enjoy reading your feedbacks😊🤍

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

taglist: @the-universe-in-you-jjh @undevotedfangirl @dumplingley @halbae​​

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2020 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

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“But like how rich is he?”

“Rich enough to buy this building three four times over” you mumbled, not really paying much attention to Jungwoo and more on the cake you’re trying to decorate

“And you broke up with him? Wah noona” you looked over at him with a glare, signaling him to shut up. 

It was the day after the gala, you were supposed to take the day off but you’d rather keep yourself busy than overthink at home. Thus why you’re here now at the cafe with a very nosy Jungwoo beside you with his 100 questions after finding out you dated the Jung Jaehyun. 

“I’m three seconds away from kicking you out of this store permanently” 

“That’s the third time I heard that, this month” he smiled at you, walking back to the kitchen to grab the other pastries to be displayed. It’s still pretty early and it’s the weekend so you don’t expect that many people right now.

“So is he the guy you dated when you were in college?”

“Yes”

“You didn’t say he owned a big company”

“Are we playing 20 questions right now? Go serve the customers” you pushed him to the side when you heard the bell right, going back to what you were doing and letting Jungwoo deal with it. 

“Goodmorning, what can I get you today?”

“Two iced americano please”

Hold up, you know that voice. You don’t even have to look up to see who it was, “Is that all? Would you like to try some of our cakes and pastries? It’s good to pair with the coffee” Jungwoo said, still clueless about who he’s currently talking to 

“Is that green tea with pistachio? I’ll take a slice of that” it just so happens it was the cake you were currently setting up. 

“Sure thing, is that all?” After taking his order, the guy walked to a vacant table. 

“Noona, should I set you up with that guy? He was looking at you, plus he looks handsome and rich”

“Jungwoo”

“Mhm?”

“Shut up”

 You were preparing the order when the bell rang again, “Goodmorning, welcome to the cafe” Jungwoo greeted happily. 

“Oh, looks like he’s with someone” that made you halt for a second but quickly shaking it away. Passing the tray over to Jungwoo, “Here, go serve this and please stop being nosy”.

Jaehyun wanted to visit the cafe for some time now, but he didn’t want it to seem like he’s stalking you. He already knew you know how to bake, your cookies were his favorite. You used to bake those for him after exams as a way to cheer him up.

He didn’t know the first time he’ll be visiting here is when he’s about to break-up with his current ‘girlfriend’, with you standing only a few meters away. But after last night’s gala, Chungha called him suddenly asking if they could talk. 

“Here’s your order, is there anything else I could get you?” Jungwoo asked him and Chunga but the girl just shook her head with a smile, “Really? green tea cake? Your taste is so weird sometimes” she chuckled at the sight of cake on the table

“It’s one of the more unique flavors, we also have a chocolate one. It’s our bestseller” Jungwoo added, “Maybe later, thanks” 

After Jungwoo walked away, the two were left alone to talk. 

“Go on, just say it”

“You don’t have to act all tough all the time you know” 

His eyes landing on hers, as if he was telling her to just get on with it. “We had a good run” she chuckled, “What will your parents say when the word gets out?” Jaehyun asked. He might seem like a cold guy but he does still have some empathy left in him,

“I’ll deal with it. Happiness comes at a price, it just took me this long to realize I’m willing to pay for it no matter what the cost. Maybe you should too”

Jaehyun can’t help but look over at you, you were having a conversation with the guy that took his order and was laughing at something he said. Jaehyun’s gaze made Chungha look over at the side too, in that moment she knew

“So that’s her?”

“No” he cleared his throat before drinking his coffee, “You know you can’t lie that good, not to me atleast. Or her it looks like. Word of advice though, if she’s worth it just do it”

You were doing your best to ignore the two people on the far side of your cafe, Jaehyun and the girl looked like they were having a very serious conversation. When the girl stood up you immediately busied yourself again, then someone was standing infront of the counter on the other side. 

“I heard the chocolate cake is the best seller here” she said, her voice gentle and sweet. She seems like a lovely lady. 

“Yea, and the chocolate chip cookies too. Would you like to try it?” you asked her with a smile of your own

“I’ll take both to go” you packed the treats yourself, passing it over to her as she hand you her payment

“Green tea cake, sounds different” she chuckled, looking at the cake with a single slice missing “Oh yea, I just like trying out flavors here and there”

“What are you talking about? You always make that, if you want to try something new, you can order that. We always have extra” Jungwoo butted in, “Will keep that in mind, my friend loves that flavor”

“Oh, friend” Jungwoo said then looking over at you, “Thanks by the way” the lady said then walked out the door. 

“Friend” Jungwoo repeated with a wicked grin on

“Stop”

“But this is your chance at finally landing someone! Jihyo may be bad at setting you up maybe I can”

“No-”

“Let’s just try, see he’s walking over here”

“I said-” “Uh can I have this cake to go, please? I’ll also get the rest of it” Jaehyun said  looking back and forth between you and Jungwoo

“Sure, would that be all?” you asked as if you didn’t know him

“Uhm so my boss here-” you elbowed him on the stomach, trying to stop him from continuing. “I’m here! Sorry I’m a bit late, class finished later than I thought” Sungchan announced as he enter the shop, making the three of you look over at the tall boy

“Oh, hyung what are you doing here?” he asked Jaehyun when he spotted him, “You two know each other?” Jungwoo asked from beside you

Then it clicked, you almost wanted to slap yourself. How can you be so stupid, you’re not sure. 

“You’re related, how come I never put that together” you looked back and forth between the two

“You two know each other?” Sungchan asked back, “Something like that” Jaehyun mumbled. That made Jungwoo look over at you then Jaehyun then at you again, “Oh, Jung Sungchan. then you must be-”

After that stressful encounter, you chose to just call it an early day and leave the boys at the cafe. Jaehyun didn’t say much afterwards, just waited for his order then left with a few words said to his younger brother. 

Add that to the list of things you were thinking about. After the gala yesterday, after seeing Jaehyun’s mom again you can’t help but overthink about things again. A big part of you itching to do what you’ve always been meaning to do, something you wish you never did. 

Unable to stop yourself, you opened the door of your closet and rummaged through until you find the box stashed inside. Stuffing it in your bag before shruging your coat on, took your keys and drove off. 

You've only been at their place once, that was the first and last time. 

It’s what you see in movies, the typical huge mansion rich people have in movies. The Jungs were no exception, their home looked like something straight out of a magazine. Until now you feel like you shouldn’t be here. 

Parking your car on the driveway, you walked towards the front door. Knocking twice and wait for someone to open the door, when it did it was just the person you wanted to see, 

“Can we talk?”

Jaehyun didn’t expect the turn of events this day had, after finding out his youngest sibling works part time at your cafe ofcourse he had to know more. Telling Sungchan he’ll wait until his shift is over to drive him home. 

“You didn’t tell me you work at the cafe”

“Why? would you stop me just like mom?” the younger one asked, he knew what his brother meant.  With their mother there’s almost little to no room for freedom, their lives were planned out for them. As kids they were told what they should be when they grow up, expectations they had to meet, things they needed to accomplish. 

“No, it’s close to my office. You could’ve just worked for me” he answered, the older brother tone gone

“Then what’s the point? Like I said, I wanted to atleast see the world on my own before mom and dad stops me. Or atleast until college” Sungchan mumbles

“If you don’t want to study the course mom and dad are making you study just tell me, I’ll help you”

“Why? They’ll just get mad at you too”

“Then they can be both mad at us, don’t make the same stupid mistakes I did. Don’t take too long to decide that this isn’t the life you don’t want to live. Just... just be you. If they won’t have that, then you’ll have me” he sincerely said, meaning every word he just said. 

He wished he had someone to say that to him back then, in a way he did. You told him that. 

Even if the world is against him, he’ll have your hand to hold on to. 

“So, how did you know Y/N noona?”

“We went to same college” he answered, keeping it brief. After that Sungchan didn’t ask anymore questions. When they finally arrived at their home, there’s an unfamiliar car on the driveway. Assuming that it was one of their parent’s visitor,

“Are you staying the night?” Sungchan ask as they walk towards the house, “No, just came to talk to mom about something”

“Okay, well see you later” the two brothers went their own ways, Sungchan skipping up the stairs to his room while Jaehyun walk around the house looking for his mom. 

What he didn’t expect was to see who she was talking to, they were at the foyer, sitting at opposite sides of the table. 

“Even when I didn’t have anything to my name, I never touched a cent in that envelope. I’m ashamed I even took in the first place, that was my mistake. And I’m still paying for it until now, you got what you wanted. Jaehyun hates me”

You were talking about him with his mother? 

What envelop were you talking about?

“Then why did you take it?”

“Because it was the only way you’ll stop, I thought if I took the money and disappeared you would atleast spare him, you’d let him live the way he wants to. I don’t care if he’s angry at me, he has every right to be” you answered, no sign of intimidation or fear in your voice. 

But he does hear the pain, and he hated it. 

“Your son is worth more than whatever you give me, that money is bitter reminder of my lowest point. But even then, I’d rather starve and have no roof over my head than spend a single cent you gave me. It’s up to you if you tell him what you did, I think we’re way past the point of going back anyways. He can’t even stand being in the same room as me. One way or another, you got what you wanted. All I want is my peace, I don’t want that with me anymore, I don’t want to keep that in the corner of my closet like the monster I’m too scared to face”

Jaehyun was trying to take all of your words in, struggling to process the truth he just accidently uncovered. 

All those years he thought you left him because you didn’t love him was in fact not what really happened, His mother, surprisingly but not really, manipulated his life yet again. 

“All of the money is still in there, I haven’t touched that since then. I was just waiting for the day I could finally give it back to you. I’m pretty sure you don’t need it, but neither do I” you said your final words then rose from your seat. 

When you turned around to leave the place you didn’t expect to see the person standing by the door, a gasp leaving Mrs. Jung’s mouth

“Jaehyun” she said but his gaze was on you

You didn’t have to ask him, you already knew he heard it. How much? probably enough judging by the look on his face. 

You looked at him with same intense stare, trying to say your apologies without saying anything at all. It feels like there’s this weight lifted off of you after you gave the envelope containing the money back to his mom. Like this time you can look him in the eyes without thinking about the money stashed away in your closet.

There are still questions floating in his mind, you could tell. But Jaehyun didn’t look as troubled as he should be, even with the overwhelming amount of questions in his head he knew this time it would be okay. You were the only answer he needed.

[btssmutficslovingfan01]

Skirt Skirmish

Summary: Love is a fickle thing, really, as settling down with a frat boy wasn’t really part of your plan. Neither was fooling around in the middle of a drive-in movie while your husband was rocking a skirt but there’s more to it than meets the eye. A night in the middle of the woods changes everything for you and Taehyung.

Words: 5.8k

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Smut, Angst, Horror

Warnings: Age Difference, Mentions of Cheating, Monster/demon/creature, possession (?), Violence, Jimin is a psychopath in this fic that gets away with murder and reader is an accomplice, Mentions of past relationships, Character Death, Post-pregnancy, fingering, oral, riding, car sex, submissive Tae, Tae actually gets trauma from wearing skirts, mature language

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“They’re looking at me weird aren’t they? Ah, I knew I shouldn’t have made that bet with Jungkook. He is just an ignorant frat boy after all.” You adjust your own skirt since your husband’s glamor was making you feel less feminine. You have to admit, being 32 and still having trouble with your self-esteem is not a good look for you. Tae introduced you to the concept of loving yourself, long before you actually even discovered what you liked. You knew you were straight, you just started having doubts once you graduated from college and found out that no man wanted to date you because they were all either gay or taken. You had previous husbands but that’s a story better told later.

Then one fateful day, you met 20 year old Tae. He was just a college sophomore at the time. All he did was hit on you, thinking you were another girl who went to his college. He was a notorious playboy around his school, so no girl dared to enter his den. The lion grabbed you, but you managed to fight back.

After meeting Taehyung a couple times outside of work, you finally decided it was time to take the next step. You asked him out on a date, first. Tae was so stunned that he had no words, but luckily he liked you enough to at least give it a shot. After the first date, you spent the night in each other’s arms. No, not like that you perv. You just fell asleep on the same bed. You were tired and Tae was tired and it just happened. 

The rest was history, you and Tae knew you were meant to be after your three year anniversary and to your surprise, Taehyung was the one who proposed. That day was so special for you, since you also found out your best friend was moving in with you, since your parents didn’t trust a helpless girl like you alone in the city.

“Need I remind you that you were just an ignorant frat boy when we met? All you wanted to do was get into my pants any way you could.” You tut, clicking your tongue as Tae’s eyes twinkle with something a little more than just mischief. 

“And boy, am I lucky I did. Your pussy is the best thing I’ve ever been inside. Even after so long, you still clench around me like a virgin. So cute.”

“Tae, shut up!” You blush as someone in a neighboring car seemingly glares at you. No one can really see you that well, since your windows are tinted. Taehyung has nothing to worry about, his skirt is out of the view of others. You start panicking though, when he lifts his skirt up above his knee and reveals a tent peeking out from under his briefs. 

You would love to lean down and suck him dry but you were in the middle of a crowd, what if someone caught you? You’d be so embarrassed. Like the time you were at the supermarket and an old lady thought you were Tae’s mother. Why do people always assume things? You just wish they’d mind their own business. “Puppy, no. We’re not doing that.”

“Oh come on Y/N, I know you’re dripping. I can practically smell you from here. I’m no werewolf but I do have the nose of a dog. It’s a family trait.” You knew this. Taehyung came from a long line of well renowned farmers who had noses better than those of Blood Hounds. The most interesting part is that Taehyung can actually smell when you’re on your period, or pick up on a change in hormones just from a small whiff of your natural scent. You weren’t big on perfume, so Tae could tell right away. It comes in handy for when your period skips a month, or when you think you’re pregnant. Tae would know, but as he said before, he’s not a wolf. Even if he could smell your period blood from a mile away, he couldn’t predict if you were pregnant or if you were having an off month. All he could tell were the obvious things, like the smell of your arousal. 

Even now as he’s hunched over his seat, his ankles crossed, maintaining a proper position as he takes a whiff of your drenched panties, even your scent is enough to make him nut in his seat. His skirt was doing a horrible job at hiding his bulge, since you could make out the hard-on a mile away.

“Taehyung Kim, get your nose away from me right now. We are not doing this in the car.” He lets out a low whine, making you regret opening your mouth in the first place. Ah, the guilt trip is a horrible thing, especially when you have a husband as sweet as your Tae-by. (Like baby)

“Fine, we won’t. If you didn’t want me, you could’ve just said so.” He folds his arms, an adorable pout taking the place of his normally handsome boxy smile. You put your knees up on the seat, watching the movie as it plays on the big screen in front of your car. Normally people get out of their cars to enjoy the movie, but you felt like it was unnecessary. You also found your mind wandering again as your cute husband lets out an audible sigh of defeat. You feel bad, but you also don’t wanna get arrested. Nevermind the teenagers in nearby cars making out while the movie is playing in the background. You and Tae just didn’t roll that way, you weren’t risk takers.

At least, you aren’t as brave as your redheaded beau, but you could learn a thing or two from him about adventure. That’s why, you were determined to try stepping out of your comfort zone with the one man you trust and love enough to do something as dangerous as this.

You start small, moving your hand from his knee to his upper thigh. He doesn’t question you, unmoving as you continue moving up, your fingers massaging his cojones before moving to his twitching cockhead. Tae has surely caught on by now, staying still as you continue moving your palm adjacent to his cock, making sure you can reach his sweet spot. There isn’t much you can do, with two layers covering his manhood and restricting you from accessing what you want to reach. You keep it low key as Tae flicks his skirt up, expressionless as you let your fingers wander and you fish out his dick from his sticky briefs.

The only indication that anything is happening at all to your lovely husband is the shallow breathing and the way he stretches his legs every once in a while as you push him closer to his orgasm. You’re tempted to lean over and use your mouth, but you want to see where this goes, so you continue pulling his cock, teasing him like he spent every waking moment trying to get you to fuck him at least twice a day. You and Tae have a very different dynamic, that's for sure.

When it’s needed, you take full control. Tae loves it. He loves it even more when you squeeze him tight enough to push him over the edge and release his first load of the night. You don’t let it go to waste, of course, licking it up from your fingers and hands before wiping the wet globs of semen from your hands and sanitizing as well. 

“Wasn’t that a lovely movie? How about you take me home so we can continue where we left off?” You smile, Tae snapping out of his gaze as you start the car, pulling out of the parking lot so you could go back home to get your freak on.

“Wh-that fast? It just started though...did I miss something?”

“Good question, honey. How about you answer that after fucking me in the back of our car like there’s no tomorrow?” You pull over on the side of an unfamiliar road, making sure to park your car more towards the forest-like area, ignoring the strange howls from the wind. The sky looks ominous, endowed with moonlight, yet no stars. It’s not a full moon, however the environment is strangely silent. You ignore the strange feeling in your gut, focusing all your attention on your husband once again.

He’s discarded his skirt and briefs, finding no need to cast away his shirt since you were going to have to drive back home anyways after this. You found it odd that Tae didn’t question you for pulling into the middle of a forest area when you could’ve just driven straight back home. 

Luckily, when Tae’s cock is buried deep inside of you, he gives you a fruitful reminder that he is indeed the man you married, the same man you teased during the drive-in movie. “Tae, I’m gonna cum.” You whisper, your voice low as you feel him shift above you.

“Let’s cum together, dearie.” You ignore how ragged he sounded just now, his breaths sounding unnatural and more like he’s gasping as he draws near to his climax. It’s not at all like the first time, he actually sounds like he’s having trouble breathing.

“Tae, babe, do we need to take a break?” You ask, watching as a wicked smile curls onto his lips. He languidly cums inside of you without asking, hot white cum splashing your inner walls and making your toes curl as your entire body sucks it up.

“Nope. I’ve already released my seed inside of you. Now, we just have to wait. Can you see him yet?” You’re fatigued, ruling out Tae’s strangeness since it was the middle of the night and Tae did work overtime today. It’s easier to believe things when you are in a state of exhaustion, whether it’s physical or mental. Right now, you were both.

“Okay...I’m just gonna drive. Let’s just go home and get some sleep. Thanks for tonight Tae, I really enjoyed the movie and what we just did back there.”

“Mmm.” His reply is late, and what’s even stranger is the fact that you didn’t cum for the first time ever with your husband and he couldn’t care less. 

The next morning, you wake up to find a strange creature standing at your door. It’s not moving, just standing directly outside your room and staring. You were definitely creeped out. The sheets next to you rustle as Tae turns around, a red mop of hair sticking out from under the covers as he mutters something incoherent.

“Tae, honey, I think I’m seeing things.” You wake him up, to find that the creature is still there, foul thing still staring at you with its two beady eyes, great big wooden legs, and a giant torso with a connected head. You don’t even know what it is, but it's not natural. You’ve never seen such a terrifying thing before, and the world was suddenly starting to make less sense.

“I’msorry!” He shoots up in a flash, surprising you with his words as he blinks twice and rubs his eyes to glance at the same place you were staring at.

“Do you really not see that...thing?” You ask, unmoving.

“I’m sorry. It was the only thing I could do, it was following me too.”

“Pray tell, when did this start? When did you start seeing this thing, exactly?” You blink twice, the monster suddenly disappeared from your sight in an instant.

“I...I cheated on you. I’m so sorry baby. I wasn’t thinking and I just slept with her and-”

“How many times?” Your response is surprisingly calm, as expected of an older woman.

“O-only once.” You sigh, frowning as you look down between your legs. You suddenly felt the urge to squeeze out all of his cum from yesterday in one go, although that would be painful, you didn’t want to have a cheater’s cum inside of you.

“I’m very disappointed in you but right now it seems this thing is passed through sex. I think I need to have sex with another person to pass it on, but it would be unwise to let it go loose. I think I should get an exorcism or a baptism or something to clear it from my soul.” You feel like this is the plot of a very terrible movie, but it makes sense, considering that you had this strange feeling the night before when you were in the forest.

“You’re a wonderful person. I don’t deserve you, and although you might hate me for what I did, just hear me out. This thing, whatever it is, is lucky that it latched onto you. Maybe you could help it, all it does is just stare and it hasn’t shown any signs of hostility. I was going crazy, looking at it everyday and just wondering why it picked me. However, I still don’t know why it didn’t transfer to you earlier, we had sex a lot of times after I cheated and it never helped.” He sheepishly rubs the back of his ear, you wish you could scream at him or punch him in the nose, but you simply love this idiot too much to cause him any harm.

“My friends were right after all. You were a playboy once, so what were the odds you would actually change? I kinda guessed you did cheat on me, but I thought it was earlier in the relationship like when we were dating. You hung around that Naya girl a lot and I can’t believe I never realized it. This entire time you have been hurting me.”

“Honey, no. That’s silly, I would never--”

“—don’t listen to him, tell him what’s on your mind. I am here to help you.” You hear a voice inside your head. A comforting voice really, it sounds like a soft blanket to your ears.

“It is your job as my husband to take care of me and protect me from harm, however you have done the opposite. Dooming me to see visions of a being that only exists to perturb me and distract me from work.” He clenches his jaw.

“Look at him, he’s probably wondering what he’d do with himself if you cut off his money. Pretending like he’s a sugar baby. He’s just using you for your money.” You feel a surge of adrenaline. The strange being was right beside Taehyung, peering down at you as he spoke to you with his mind.

“Are you with me for my money?” You ask, finally cutting him off as he rambled on and on about all the reasons why he’s the perfect match for you. Now that the creature was pointing it out, you did think it was strange.

“What?! No, where is this coming from?”

“He’s just playing dumb. He’s not actually a puppy like you thought, you know? I’ve been inside his brain, I know what he thinks of you, how he thinks his wife is only good for a decent fuck and some cash.” You gasp at that, how real it sounded. You couldn’t imagine the thought of your Taehyung thinking such a thing deep in his mind. But if the supernatural creature heard it, he cannot be lying, surely. 

“He’s in your head, right? He’s talking to you, driving you crazy like he did to me, right? Making you believe that I’m not in love with you, that our life is an illusion. Well, wake up dearie. At the end of the day, no matter who I slept with in the past, I chose you. I love you enough to have wanted to marry you, and that still hasn’t changed. I still want you.”

Any control that monster had over you disappears. You feel light in your heart as your husband reminds you of that wonderful feeling called love. You forgive and forget, although the fact that Tae cheated still remains heavy in your heart, and he makes up for it everyday, piece by piece. 

Until one final day, you snap.

“Taehyung, I want you to wear this skirt. I bought it from this thrift store downtown. I got a matching crop top to go with it,” You throw the bag on the table, but what Tae finds inside rendered him speechless. “You’ve been cheating on me for a few weeks now, right? I found these clothes in the back of your car while I was trying to vacuum the backseat. They don’t belong to me and they certainly don’t belong to you, so who the fuck have you been seeing behind my back?” Before you can say anything else, Taehyung falls back, cowering as he nears the couch in the living room, trying to get away from the terrifying creature behind you.

“I-I can see him.” He points right behind you, as you smirk down at your clueless cheater husband.

“Of course you can. He’s my manifestation, after all.”

“Wait, wh-what?” Taehyung trembles, as you kneel down in front of him, crushing his jaw in your hand as you grip his face to look at you.

“I’ve been suspecting you for a while now. We may seem happy on the surface but we both know what you’re really like. You can’t stay away from temptation. It’s in human nature. Lucky for me, I’m not even human. So I don’t make mistakes.” 

“Y/N, what are you saying?”

“I’m gonna use you as my personal cum dump, Tae. In case you’ve forgotten, we’re bound till death do us part. This little beast here is my second set of eyes. He’s been watching your every move when you thought you were going crazy. And don’t you dare bring up divorce. You can’t escape me.” 

You’re done playing innocent. This whole time, you were using your little victim card. You were the ultimate master, controlling this creature with your mind. Everything he tells you is a reflection of your own thoughts, and he feeds you valuable information. You aren’t crazy, but you are certainly too much in love with Taehyung to just kill him like every man that came before.

Ah, the re-introduction. You were actually experimented on in a lab illegally, and with your newfound powers, you were able to escape with a group of friends. You haven’t heard from them in years but you’re sure they’re all just afraid of being captured again.

That was when you were a teenager. A nice old woman who lived in the middle of a small shack in the woods took care of you, teaching you basic things like reading and writing and she quickly found out that you were exceptionally intelligent, learning everything you were supposed to know from kindergarten to ninth grade. 

You spent another two years completing your education at home, she was a teacher back when she was working in the city. The old lady taught you everything you know, and in turn, you used your beast to protect her. He could attack on your command, and you knew what the surrounding area looked like. You can tell when a person is lost or if they went there looking for trouble.

She left this world a long time ago, passing away in her sleep before you sought off to find a college. That’s when you met your first husband. Namjoon.

He was brilliant, he always had a knack for machinery. He loved building things and inventing new ways to ease your life. You became his girlfriend a few days after meeting him, after completing an English project you had for college, he just asked you to be his girlfriend. And you said yes.

At first, you were happy. But then, your beast told you that he was secretly unhappy and he was cheating on you. Like a fool, you waved it off.

One fine day, when he asked you to meet you in front of the water fountain at a famous park uptown, you thought he was going to break up with you. To your surprise, he knelt to the ground and proposed to you in front of all those people. You were blinded by your happiness to notice that your beast was unhappy.

Your beast was your heart, but lately you felt like he was against you. Your own creation, at that! Luckily, no one but you could see him, unless you enabled someone else to. You hadn't worked out all the details yet, you weren’t sure if it’s a good idea to let your husband see him.

About 3 months later, the visions started. Namjoon saw him, first only out of the corner of his eye, a shadow passing by so quickly he barely caught it. Just barely.

But then they got stronger. He was starting to see the monster at night, at the window, outside the bedroom door, beside your figure. He couldn’t sleep well at all. Finally, he talked to you about it, telling you that he was miserable because he kept seeing some creature that didn’t exist.

Then, one night…you heard him getting up to leave the room. You assumed he was going to use the bathroom so you didn’t think much of it. That’s when you heard a scream and a crunch. You knew something was wrong. It was too quiet.

You switched on the light to find your husband, dead on the floor. He was holding a knife and it looked like his arm was twisted the wrong way. He fought with someone, and you knew he wasn’t human. That was when you first doubted the beast. You never had any ill intentions towards your husband, you loved him dearly. However, your “heart” seemed to disagree.

So you moved on. After mourning his loss for a year, you decided to move to a different college in a different town. You found yourself attached to a new group of friends, and a new boy who seemed to be weaseling his way into your heart. His name was Jimin.

He was just as cheerful as kind, handsome as he was sweet, and all around a really fun guy to be around. His presence made everyone around him feel energized, and you knew by the way your heart skipped a few beats that he could be the one to fix your broken heart.

You went out with him a few times for coffee, but that was nothing more than just a friendly interaction. You grew frustrated with how he wasn’t reciprocating until one day, you found out about his little secret. He was a psychopath, someone who hurt others for his own pleasure. You saw him through the window of his dorm, as he killed a girl while she was clad naked only in her underwear and bra. He was shirtless as well, you could tell that he probably lured her in by making her feel a false sense of security through the blanket of intimacy that’s sex.

You just stared at him, you and your beast staring at that crazy man. However, when he looked down to meet eyes with you, you grinned, smiling sweetly as you always do with him.

He smiled back, still not knowing of the crazy things that had to come being involved with you. You started by helping him clean his mess, you made sure to get a mop and some towels to clean blood from the floor and any other surfaces.

“So why are you helping me?” He asked after a lengthy silence. 

“Isn’t it obvious? I thought I was pretty obvious about my little crush.” You explicate, since Jimin didn’t understand right off the bat.

“This is illegal, you realize this right?”

“Oh, I like you too much to tattle on you. Besides, I have a few skeletons in my closet too.” You both kissed fervently afterwards, making out for a good five minutes in the bathroom before disposing of the body properly. That was the first murder you helped cover up.

You never told Jimin about your first husband, since the topic never came up. You never pried about your lives before each other, the lives you had before knowing how crazy you both were about each other. Compared to Namjoon, Jimin was rough.

He was a lot more dominant in bed and loved reminding you how you belonged to him. Of course, that’s a story for another day since the first time you had sex, he started seeing your beast and going crazy. He kept muttering in his sleep and then talking about the voice in his head. It got so bad that one day, he was escorted out of class. 

You told him about the beast, explaining that he was your heart but Jimin did not believe anything you said. Instead, he tried to kill him. So, he fought back. And that was the end of husband number two.

You had two more husbands after that, each relationship spanning around two years, both men dying at the hands of your beast.

You didn’t realize it before, but this was actually the longest your beast tolerated this man. Taehyung was special. More special than the others. Looking at him now, you know in your heart, you want him all to yourself.

You don’t want anyone else to have him any longer. You start by destroying his phone, feeding it to your beast before stripping him down to change him into a skirt and a jersey. You start by taking away his freedom, little by little.

At first, Tae fights back. He tells you to think about what you’re doing and talk it out, but you’re done with playing the good. Now he will listen to you for a change, and pleasure you like he should’ve been doing properly this entire time.

It makes the process a lot easier when you make your daily visits and your Tae is smiling at you as you kneel down and put your hand under his skirt to feel up his voluptuous dick.

“Mmm, would you like to join me in the bedroom, dear?” You ask, smiling at his little bulge.

“I-is that okay?” You nod.

“You’ve been a good boy for me Tae, it’s fine.” You kiss him fiercely before unlocking his handcuffs and pulling him towards your bedroom. You climb on top of him, kissing him as you finger him as gently as possible, preparing him for your dildo. 

This has become something of a routine, you would come into the room and give Tae some food and water and if he’s a good boy and doesn’t talk back, you would take him to your bedroom to spend the night with him. The first time, he tried to run away after punching you in the stomach. You quickly recoiled and held your womb, whispering in a ghastly voice, “You’re lucky you didn’t hit me a little lower. I might not be able to give you children if you damage my womb.” You had no idea what was going through Tae’s mind when he did that, so you isolated him for a week, only sliding the food and water in through a doggy door in your makeshift prison. You had it installed a while ago for your front door, but you went ahead and switched the two doors and now your “guest room” is Tae’s room.

The only thing you could lean on was your beast, who continued feeding you information, how Taehyung’s side chick actually left the country to pursue her dream after an opportunity presented itself, not even looking back or giving Tae a slight goodbye. She never texted him back, after he said “Goodnight” to her one time. 

You feel like karma was starting to take its effect. The only thing in your way was Taehyung’s will to leave. You don’t know why your husband tried to escape the first time, as he never repeated it, only staying still as you climbed on top of him and rode him to your high.

He stayed silent, only grunting or cursing under his breath. You could tell he was breaking, or a lot more weaker than he was before. You had also only given him skirts to wear, which in turn squeezed his waist and only made him more uncomfortable. 

After a good month or so of the same routine, you decided to grant Tae the privilege of wearing sweats. He was so happy, he jumped to hug you. However, from the beast’s perspective, you oils see Taehyung growling at him.

After some time had passed, you allowed Tae to walk around the ground floor of the house as he pleased. He was allowed to watch TV, solve puzzles, and pleasure you whenever he felt like it. Life was a lot better this way, with you controlling him like this. Although, you have to admit you do miss the old Tae, how he used to make you laugh and how he would always give you that boxy smile.

Maybe you did take things too far.

“It’s great that you’re making your husband your little slave. Look what a good slut he is, slurping your pussy like it’s the only one in the world.” You hum in reply, concentrating on Tae as he spits on your labia. 

He’s not happy though, and neither am I. He’s miserable. You frown as your husband continues licking down your slit, hitting that sweet spot that makes your toes curl.

“You made me, I know you better than you know yourself. This is what’s best for you.” He growls, you know it would be best to listen to him but what has he ever done for you? Killed the loves of your life?

“Tae, stop. I’m retaliating. I can’t do this. I want you back, I want to be free with you, but he doesn’t want that.”

“YOU MADE ME SO I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, LISTEN TO ME YOU INSOLENT HUMAN.” You cower, Tae immediately jumping in front of him, holding up his fists in defense.

“Tae, honey, I know you think you’re helping but you were locked in a small room for hours on end with no exercise unless you count sex. Your muscles are really out of whack.” 

“Um, trying to save you from a horrible creature at the moment. Can you try to at least not insult my body? You did this to me.” Tae puts his hands on his hips as you move in front of him.

“Leave us alone. Leave me alone. I don’t need you anymore. You took advantage of me!” You grip Taehyung’s arm as he growls at you. Slowly, he starts disappearing. Like dust, he crumbles and all that’s left is residue. You grip Tae tight, holding him steady to keep him from falling in shock. “Fuck, you haven’t eaten. Ohhh, we need a doctor.”

Taehyung helps you out after he wakes up, having been diagnosed with Hypoglycemia after not eating well for the past month. He forgives you just as you forgave him for cheating on you earlier.

You made sure to take care of him, slowly returning to normalcy after a torturous time. After being forced to wear skirts for three weeks straight, Taehyung had trauma.

To support him, you threw out all of your skirts and got pant suits instead. One fine day after arriving home from work, you find Tae moaning in his room. However, he isn’t alone. He was in bed with another woman and all you could do was clasp your hands over your mouth and cry. This is what you get for trying to turn him into your slave. You deserved this.

You run away from home that night, leaving to find something to take your mind off from things for a bit. That’s when you meet someone at the convenience store.

“Rough day?” He’s obviously older than Taehyung, by a couple years. 

“You know it. I just found out my husband’s cheating on me, again.” He puts his phone down, leaning over the counter as you vent to him.

“Oh really? Well sorry if it sounds impolite but I’m a doctor and I just had to ask, are you having problems in the bedroom? I can’t think of a reason why he would cheat on a lady as sweet as yourself.” You blush at the compliment, smiling before defending Tae.

“No, it’s not any of your business either. And for the record...I can’t think of a reason why he would do it again.”

“What about the first time, you said he cheated again, right?” You shrug. “May I ask if he's younger than you?” You scoff.

“Yeah, he’s about 8 years younger than me. He was a frat boy in college. That’s how he got my heart.”

“Hmmm, ever stop to think why he would cheat on you now?”

“Shut up. My Tae would never–”

“Ohhh Yoongi, my darling Taehyung just gave me this diamond ring. He called me his special gen.” You see a girl, who looks no older than 16 running into the shop.

“Aish, Soojin, I told you to stay away from that guy.”

“You know someone named Tae?” You ask the girl, untying your scarf from your neck in anxiousness.

“Yeah, my boyfriend Taehyung. He’s rich and he has a huge house. He also lives with his older sister but she wasn’t home today.” Your face goes pale.

“His last name might not happen to be Kim…could it?”

“Yes, exactly! Taehyung Kim who lives on 1292 Burbank street, do you know him?” You nearly faint, the man from behind the counter running over to help you up.

“That’s my husband, and no, he’s an only child. It seems that you’ve been played, little Soojin. We’ve both been played.” You close your eyes, feeling dizzy as a high-pitched ringing racks in your ears.

When you wake up, you’re in the hospital, the cries of a newborn filling your ears like music. It’s your daughter, you gave birth to her yesterday.

You passed out from the pain of giving birth that you dreamt up a whole scenario where your husband cheated on you. You vaguely remember that day you had sex in the back of your car and you were pregnant a week later with your first child.

Afterwards, Taehyung was cautious around you and helped make the entire pregnancy easier. He massaged you, pleasured you, and made amazing food for you.

During the entire birth he was by your side. Not once did he cheat on you or leave you for another woman. He was yours from the moment you laid eyes upon him.

“You’re awake,” You found Tae sitting right where he was when you gave birth, beside you. “It’s a girl. What do you want to name her?” You breathe in relief, pain leaving your body as you lay eyes upon your child for the first time. Her eyes are jet black as she peers at you curiously.

“Let’s give her the name we picked together.”

“Awww, Amie. Amie Kim has such a nice ring to it.” Your husband kisses your cheek as you both speak to your baby in hushed tones, ignoring the machines as they continue whirring in the background.

[yikestripes]

Dancing in the dark

request: Hi! Can I request a Bill denbrough x reader? Where Bill and the reader is secretly dating. and the Losers plan on having a sleepover at Bills house. so when everyone shows up The reader is already there. and She’s cuddling on the couch with Bill and wearing his clothes. and the Losers walk in on them kissing and they get all nervous and say something stupid like "I was choking and Bill was helping me" and Richie’s like "by sucking off your face?" And just really funny and fluffy?

A/N: here you go, @you-s-suckbowers​ !!! i hope it’s what you had in mind when you requested!! this was s o fun to write! this was such a cute request i hope you like it!!

You raised your fist to knock on the door of the Denbrough’s house, but Bill opened the door before you had the chance, greeting you with a warm smile.

“Hi.” He said, opening the door to let you in.

“Hi.” You grinned.

“Can I take your bag?” He asked, taking it without waiting for an answer. You placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and followed him down to the basement. Bill placed your bag in a nearby corner, wandering over to the snack table to steal a few chips. You wrapped your arms around him, and let your head come to rest on his back. You felt his laugh reverberating as he turned around to give you a proper hug. These were the most special moments you had with Bill, because you could actually act like a couple. Around your friends, you had to keep up the facade of being just friends. You and Bill had agreed, at least for the time being, to keep your relationship a secret. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to tell your friends, or didn’t want there to be a hundred questions, or even meddling in your relationship. There had been plenty of that anyway, when you’d both spent years pining after one another. You just wanted to keep it special, something small just for yourselves. To keep the magic and the fun of sneaking around alive for just a little bit longer.

“What time is everyone supposed to get here?” You asked, taking a step away from Bill to grab some pretzels.

“Around 7:30, so about 20 minutes.” Bill checked his watch and glanced up at you, munching thoughtfully on pretzels.

You took a sip of your water bottle and looked at Bill, thinking, as he walked around making sure everything was good to go for the losers’ sleepover party. You’d just come from your waitressing job and hadn’t had time to pack spare clothes since you were running late, and your movement reminded you you were still wearing your entire uniform, including your apron.

You began by taking off your apron and placing it with your stuff, and looking to Bill.

“Mind if I steal some stuff?” You asked, batting your eyes, despite knowing he would say yes regardless.

Bill smiled, grabbed your hand, and led you upstairs to his room.

“Sweatpants and a sweatshirt?” Bill asked as you entered, immediately flopping onto his bed.

“You know me so well!” You said with a small laugh. He grabbed the garments and tossed them your way, waiting for you to finish changing before heading back downstairs with you, hand in hand.

You went back into the basement and grinned at Bill, wiggling your eyebrows as you headed towards your stuff.

He watched as you bent over, packing your work uniform back into your backpack. Primarily, he was definitely staring at your ass. That was one of his favorite things about you; your ass. As soon as you stood back up and turned around, Bill strode over to you and put his hands on the sides of your face, and locked you in a sweet kiss.

You heard footsteps overhead as you broke away from Bill, signaling for him to check his watch. It was 7:30 on the dot, and that meant that the Loser’s were probably bombarding the foyer. You ran upstairs behind Bill, only to find half of the Loser’s standing there awkwardly, presumably waiting for Bill to guide them downstairs.

You were the last one into the basement, shutting the door behind you, bathed in darkness. You ran down the stairs to catch up with the others and back into the light. Despite being above the age of 10, the dark still freaked you out a bit, especially after the encounter with Pennywise years ago.

Bev put her stuff near yours, and joined you near the drink table, where you stood sipping on more water.

“What time did you get here?” Bev asked, pouring herself some Pepsi.

“I don’t know, like 7 something?” You said absentmindedly staring at Bill, who was arguing about movies with Richie across the room.

“Oh wow, why were you here so early? Trying to sneak in some makeout time with Big Bill?” Bev nudged your ribs, knowing about your former crush on Bill.

“HA, nope. I was just helping him set up.” You lied.

“Oh come on, (Y/N)! You were in love with him for YEARS!” She said as you tried to quiet her down, afraid the others would hear. Despite obviously already dating him, the others never really knew about your feelings for Bill. Besides your sometimes obvious pining, and long sideways glances, they’d never heard directly from your mouth that you felt anything beyond friendship for Bill, other than Beverly. The boys, of course, had heard it from Bill’s side, who fell for you as soon as you met when you were 7 and had just moved to Derry.

Bill saw you staring and grinned, losing focus on Richie and the debate of choosing a movie.

You turned your attention back to Beverly, who was now paying attention to the movie argument happening across the room.

“Come on, let’s watch The Shining! I love that movie!” Richie said, holding up the tape.

“Ugh, that’s so scary though!” Stanley said, folding his arms.

“That’s the point, Stanely! None of us are afraid of a fuckin’ movie.” Richie rolled his eyes and Stan huffed, taking a spot next to Ben on the couch.

“What about Beetlejuice?” Bev suggested.

“Or how about Ferris Bueller?”

“Ooh! The Goonies!”

The debate went on until there was another knock at the door, and Bill ran to grab it.

“I vote The Shining.” You said, taking your place on the couch opposite the other couch.

“See?” Richie cried, grinning.

Footsteps filled the room, and Mike and Eddie filed in behind Bill.

“Are we choosing a movie?” Eddie asked, plopping 2 duffle bags next to the tv. “I think we should watch something that isn’t too scary, I get nightmares from scary movies.”

“What’s in the duffle bags, Eds? All your birth control?” Richie asked, wearing his signature shit-eating grin.

Eddie rolled his eyes.

“No, fuckface. They’re vitamins so I don’t catch any diseases from being around you!” Eddie retorted. The two bickered back and forth until you were all fed up, and decided to vote on the movie.

Despite Eddie and Stan’s protests, you all had democratically settled on watching The Shining.

You were next to Bill on the couch, and without thinking, cuddled into his side. Every time there was a jumpscare, he would hold you a little bit tighter, pausing to rub your shoulder or smile down at you, so invested in the film.

The other Losers, on the other hand, shared confused looks. Beverly noticed right away you were wearing Bill’s sweatshirt, but that wasn’t entirely abnormal, considering you were always complaining about being cold. She attested the same to your wearing his sweatpants too, but was somewhat suspicious. Richie was too invested in the movie to care, and Eddie was too busy complaining to notice anything out of the ordinary. The other Losers continued to share strange looks, especially those on the couch adjacent to the one you were laying on with Bill. Stanley looked at Ben, who simply shrugged his shoulders and stared at Bev, laying on the floor beside Richie.

No one said anything to either of you for the rest of the movie, pausing in between for bathroom and snack breaks. You’d all stood up after the movie, stretched a little, and decided to get the party goin’ a little bit harder.

“What do you loser’s say we play a game?” Bev suggested, a wicked grin crossing her face. She looked at you and wiggled her eyebrows, causing your eyes to widen. You could tell exactly what she was thinking, and she knew it too. She had every intention to “set up” you and Bill.

There weren’t many protests, outside of those from Stanley and Eddie, although they went mostly ignored.

“I declare 7 minutes in Heaven!” Richie said. You shared a look with Bill, him smiling as if to tell you everything was going to be fine. He sat across from you in the circle, almost ensuring if someone was going to get picked, it would be you two. Bev placed an empty bottle in the center of the circle, and let it go until it stopped on her and Ben. Her eyes widened, the plan obviously not working the way she thought it was going to, and Ben’s face was brighter than a ripe tomato.

“Come on Bev, it’ll be FUN!” You winked at her as she glared, visibly nervous.

You followed behind them to make sure they were going to stay in there for the full 7 minutes, followed shortly after by Bill, “for the use of his watch” as he had told the others.

You had left Bev and Ben to their own devices in the closet, following Bill to a similarly secluded area of his basement where the Losers’ couldn’t see them from the sitting area Bill had fashioned.

You stood behind a mattress, which also blocked your view of the Losers’. They seemed fine to be left alone for the time being, somewhat monitoring the time for Bev and Ben. Bill pulled you closer to him, and pressed a passionate kiss to your soft lips. You melted into the kiss and sighed contently, pulling him in a bit closer by his hips. He groaned quietly into your mouth, which made you grin. Driving Bill wild was one of your specialties, and you both loved it.

A few minutes had passed when Bill broke to check his watch, when Ben and Beverly still had about 4 minutes remaining in the closet. Bill raised his hands to your face again and kissed you harder, using his tongue to gain access to your now open mouth. This made you lose your mind a little bit, completely distracting you from listening for potential spies coming to check on you guys.

“What the FUCK!” You heard Richie yell, inciting the others to come running, besides Ben and Bev. You and Bill immediately broke apart, jumping away from each other, startled.

“What the fuck was that?” Richie asked, adjusting his glasses in the dim light.

“Uh, (Y/N) was choking! I was saving her.” Bill explained quickly, a blush rising to his cheeks.

“By sucking her face off?” Richie looked incredulous, obviously not believing Bill’s lie.

“Yeah, I was choking on pretzels.” You said.

The loser’s looked at you suspiciously, not quite believing you.

“You’re telling us that you were saving her from choking, by sucking on her face?” Stanley asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah.” You and Bill said in unison.

“Then why is (Y/N) wearing your clothes? And why was she cuddling with you like that?” Eddie pressed.

“Oh look at the time, 7 minutes are up!” Bill said, walking towards the closet, knocking a few times.

Ben and Beverly emerged, tension immediately filled the room. Their lips were both more red than before, and Ben looked happier than he ever had before. Bev immediately came to your side, already ready to gossip about what happened, shoving Richie’s head away when he tried to listen in.

“Come on, I wanna know what the FUCK happened in that closet that Haystack looks happier than a pig in shit!” Richie cried.

A blush rose to Ben’s cheeks again as he shook his head as Mike grinned at him, knowingly.

Your moment with Bill was momentarily forgotten by the Losers as they walked back to the sitting area, Bill pulling you in for a quick kiss.

“That was a close one.” Bill sighed, rubbing his thumb across your cheek.

“Well, we knew we couldn’t sneak around forever.”

“Yeah, you have a good point. Oh well.” You rejoined the Losers, hand in hand, everyone slowly realizing and shouting out different things.

“I FUCKING KNEW IT!”

“Wow, way to tell your best friend!”

“Huh. Never would’ve seen that coming.”

“You guys are so cute together.”

It went on like that for the rest of the night. A mix of “I told you so”’s, exchanging of money from various bets the other Loser’s had placed on you guys, and congratulations from all. They were all excited for you guys, of course. They all knew that you would end up together eventually.

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[sabine-leo]

Bloody Valentine

Author: @sabine-leo

Genre: Humor, Sracasm with a hint of fluff ;) 

ONESHOT

Note: I know I´m a but early to ring in Valentines Day posts, but I wrote this yesterday and thought somebody out there might appreciate it! 

Bloody Valentine

This was probably the worst Valentines Day ever. I mean WHO DOES THAT?

 Blind Dates on Valentine’s Day? Speed-dating? Did your friends really think you were that desperate?

It must have been one of your weakest moments to agree to do this.

Come on (Y/N) this will be fun, 

Don´t think to much about it (Y/N), 

Just roll with it (Y/N)

Something along those lines you had heard the last 3 days. Even worse, your friend who talked you into it said she was ill 30 minutes prior.

Now you were sitting in a restaurant full of desperate people which wasn´t only dimly lit but plastered with hearts and fake cupids hanging from the ceiling. You looked around into hopeful faces, faces that had a staring contest with the empty chair in front of them and faces that were so nervous their eyes twitched. You were about to get up and just leave as the first man sat down at your table and this whole nightmare started. He probably was 20 years older than you and smelled of old smoke. Not that you were an ungrateful or biased person, but you rang the little bell on your table before he could speak. Signalling that you´d be free to talk to again.

 Maybe if you´d do that 5 or 6 times you would get disqualified or even better... thrown out.

The next man that came to your table looked fairly normal but opened his monologue with.

“Can you touch my hand? I want to tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel.”

“You do know Lucifer was an angel too?” You just answered and rang the bell.

This would so give you a headache in under 5 minutes…

 Guy number 3 declared that he´d rather watch the movie then reading the book.

“Seriously?” DING DING DING…

 For a moment you just rested your head on the table and grunted.                      “I´ll kill my friends! ” Which made the next guy so uneasy that he didn´t sit down at all. Great, that was going as well as you´d thought.

You didn´t even lift your head, just hit the bell as you heard the chair scratch over the floor as the next one wanted to sit down.

 At the bar Tom was waiting for his takeout to be ready and watched in amusement what happened in front of him. A ballcap hid his longer curly hair and the hoodie made him nearly invisible to people who would normally recognise him. This day always seem to hit a lot of people in the feels even those who normally wouldn’t care to be alone on any other day.  Not that Tom didn´t love romance and sweet gestures. No, the woman he´d love would know and feel cherished on any given day, not only on Valentines Day...but cupid was a blind and spiteful bastard in recent years. His gaze wandered around before fixing on a particular funny sight. This woman appeared to have not as much fun or desperateness oozing out of her to be here at all. Tom had to hide a coughing laugh behind his hand as her head hit the table and she just rang the bell without looking.

 For about 1 minute nobody wanted to sit at your table anymore. A sigh escaped you. Hopefully the torture was over now, but before you could lift your head a smooth voice began to talk.

“Cupid is a blind, spiteful toddler who has an aim that needs to be enhanced by miles!” Ok, that wasn´t the worst opening line you heard tonight, or ever. However you have had enough for tonight. You lifted your hand without looking up as you heard that Mr. smooth-voice wanted to sit down. “Nah-ah!” he warned and took the bell from the table.  

 You lifted your head to take a look at him and tell him to leave, but he just smiled and said.

“Hello, my name is Tom and I thought I would spare you the agony to hit this bell another time.”

That made you stop for a second and grin a little, but that night had left an imprint on you.

“Either you are full of yourself to think I wouldn´t hit that bell another time or you are as exhausted from this crappy, spiteful toddlers behaviour as I am!” Tom laughed a little and looked into your eyes.

“Maybe a little bit of both, but why are you here when you don´t want to be here at all?”

He really seemed interested…and he still held on to that bell.

“Long story short, my friends think I´m desperate and in need of a shag. Or I will likely end up as one of those sad little ladies with a ton of pets.”

Tom began to laugh out loud and grinned afterwards.

“Some friends you have.”

“Yes, I think I need to find new ones…or retaliate in the most vicious way possible!”

 A woman came to your table.

“Excuse me Sir. You are not registered to be sitting on any of those tables.”

Tom looked up and said. “No I´m not and I think its cruel of you to take money from people that are lonely and in need of company…” He stood up. “Oh and by the way, this..” He gestured around to the decorations “…is a bit on the nauseating side.” You just grinned and looked up at him…he was funny!

 In that moment his takeout was ready and he held out a hand to you. “Care to join me in my anti Valentine´s Day celebration and laugh at cupids bad aim?” You took his hand and stood up.

“Sounds good to me!” you bundled up and went outside. Gladly it wasn´t raining or to cold to be outside for long. The both of you walked down the road of restaurants and bars a little and took a seat on a bench. You had the best view into the windows of 2 restaurants and the people inside.

 Tom took out his food and propped it up between you.

“Dinner with a view is served and ready my lady!”  You shook your head laughing quietly and took a little something out of the container. “I didn´t catch your name earlier.” Tom said in between.

“Because I didn´t give it to you, but nice try Mr. Hiddleston!”

For a moment Tom  just looked at you and then started to grin.

“So you recognised me?! Couldn´t tell because you seemed to behave so normal.”

“Oh, please…you are really full of yourself aren´t you?” You teased him.

“Why should I behave otherwise? You are a human being like I am…and a decent one it seems.

“You really are something else!” He laughed and leaned back.

 From that point on the both of you ate, talked a lot and tried to analyse the people having dinner.

It was an easy-going and interesting conversation with lots of laughs and fascinating insights you gave each other.  

 “Oh.. look there! She´s fidgeting with her phone under the table. She´s texting her friend to give an SOS call to get her out!” Tom snorted softly.

“And this guy over there just dropped the engagement ring. Poor fella is going down on his knees for other reasons then proposing.” You had fun watching the social life of other people, even if it was a bit unfair to them. But this day just had its own rules…so one night of sarcasm wouldn´t hurt your karma too bad.

 After discarding of the long empty food container Tom looked at you. “Let´s walk a bit further.”

He took your hand as if he´d done it a million times before and tugged you up. Lovers, Dates and Couples strolled the streets. Some happy, some in love and some just saying their good byes without further looking at each other. Somewhere at Leicester Square was a musician playing on the streets.

Tom grinned and twirled you around 2 times before dancing with you on the pebbled streets. He was cute, you had to give him that and he was a good dancer. Laughing at each other you stopped and gave the musician a tip. Tom leaned in and kissed your cheek softly.

 “Thanks for the best anti Valentine’s Day ever! (YN)”

You looked a little surprised that he knew your name but then he whispered in your ear.

“I read your name tag back at the table.”

You laughed and nudged him a little. Sneaky!

“Indeed, thanks for the best anti Valentine´s day ever Tom!”

“We need to do this together again next year!”  

Tom smiled a little wicked smile before his hand went through your hair to your neck and his other hand pulled you close whispering. “We have a whole year to plan it!”

His lips crashed onto yours and you held on for dear life.

[ifiwerebraveenough]

I’m bored so here’s an ask submission

1. What was the last present you gave? -I gave my friend a bookk 2. What was the last present you received? -also a book lol 3. What animal best represents your personality? -hmm an elephant 4. What are you most afraid of? -never fully living life 5. Who is your favourite villain? -Maleficent 6. Who is your favourite family member? (we all have one, admit it) -my nana 7. If you could name your own planet what would it be called? -Fuxida 8. Stars or Moon? -stars though i love both 9. Do you have/want kinds? -i dont have any but undecided, but i think yes  10. What is your greatest life goal? -make myself someone I am happy with 11. What is something you can’t live without? -my dog 12. What is a place you associate with your childhood? -a huge oak tree at my grandparents old house 13. How was your first kiss/how would you like your first kiss to go? -it was exactly how you’d expect a first kiss. 14. What is some life advice you have acquired? - “Don’t let your loyalty become slavery. If they don’t appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone” 15. Who in history has influenced you? -Sigmund Freud 16. What is something strange that you think about often? -What kind of tree I want to be when I die 17. Baths or Showers? both duh. 18. Tea of Coffee? - both duh 19. Alcohol or soft drink? -not both. alcohol. 20. Writing or typing? -depends what I’m working on. The more personal it is, the more I want to write it. 21. What is you most favourite thing in your bedroom? -right now my dog, but if we’re talking inanimate objects, probably the photograph of my mom, dad, brother and me.  22. Spontaneous holiday! Where are you going and with who? -Somewhere tropical and with someone I can stand to be around for days at a time.  23. Introverted or Extraverted? -more extraverted but it’s a pretty fine line 24. Describe yourself in two words. -moody badass lol 25. A song that always puts you in a good mood. -Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man.  26. What makes you feel? -music 27. What was your favourite concert?- Halsey, October 19, 2017, Infinity Energy Center  28. Any plans for a tattoo? -soooooo many, but I think I’m getting Freya’s paw print next  29. What was the first book you ever read? -Mickey Mouse and the Haunted House 30. What was the first movie you saw in cinemas? -Spirit Away  31. What do you think of when you hear ‘portrait’? -The old paintings of people, and that people did. ie. Mona Lisa 32. Tell me about your partner/ideal partner? -Someone who can make me laugh, keeps me on my toes, doesn’t let me get away with my bullshit, someone comforting, someone who knows and has the decency of human kindness, someone who is passionate and supportive and loves me even on my worst days.  33. Tell me about your siblings, if you have any? -I have a half brother. He has a cute kid.  34. What is a topic you would like to talk about more? -What we can do to better ourselves as humans so that we can help those who cannot help themselves 35. What are you a big advocate for? -basic Human Rights all across the board 36. If you’re comfortable to answer, what is the sickest you have ever been? -when my appendix had to be removed 37. When were you the most scared in your life? -When my grandmother told me she had cancer. 38. Ever had a paranormal experience? -several 39. Biggest celebrity crush at the moment? -Johnny Depp. It stays that way too. 40. What is something happening in your life right now? -I’m almost done with my Master’s degree.  41. What is your favourite mythological creature? -sirens/mermaids 42. Marvel or DC? -I dont feel like i should have to answer a question as stupid as this but it will. Obviously Marvel.  43. What object would be on your family’s banner? -probably a gun of some sort 44. Favourite flower? -Dalias  45. One characteristic you like in a partner? -loyalty  46. What planet/star would you travel to if it were possible? -One in the next universe over 47. What is your favourite meal… ever? -tacchino, fagiolini, e riso di Emanuela ovviamente  48. First time…. doing anything. Describe your first time doing something? -my first time visiting new york city. everything was fascinating to me even though I was sick. I think that is what inspired me to want to travel so much. Just experiencing a different culture, and place. Sightseeing and getting turned around in circles. it was exhilarating  49. Who is your favourite superhero? -Probably Starlord 50. What is your favourite poem? Recite it?- When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. -The Peace of Wild Things, Wendell Berry 51. What is an exercise you despise doing? -burpees 52. Secret talent? -I can juggle 53. Current song on replay replay replay? -broken hearts club by gnash 54. Recommend me anything. Seriously… anything. -Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman 55. If you weren’t in your current occupation what would you be doing? -Working for travel writing blog/journal 56. What is the first thing you notice about the person you fancy? -their smile 57. If you had one wish that would definitely come true, what would it be? -for the people in the world to be more kind to one another 58. If you could time travel, when and where would you visit? -I’d go back to the 60s and 70s and travel the US in a volkswagen bus 59. What is your lucky number? -13 60. If you adopt a pet what would it be and what would you name it? -I adopted a dog and her name is Freya 61. Do you believe in fate/everything happens for a reason? -absolutely 62. What is your favourite thing about your personality? -I carry a heart full of compassion 63. What is your favourite thing about your appearance? -my hair 64. What is your favourite clothing store? -uhm, tbh I really love Ross 65. What is your favourite online store? -amazon 66. Use one word to describe your most favourite person? -loving  67. How do you usually have your hair? -in a messy bun 68. What was your favourite subject in high school? -literature (imagine that) 69. What makes you feel empowered? -completing an assignment/project that is perfect  70. What motivates you to do something? -usually stress and anxiety 71. What advice would you give someone who is going through a rough time? -Even on your worst days, when you think you cannot possibly endure anything else, remember that your track record for getting through rough days is 100% and that’s pretty good. 72. Ideal date? -Picnic in a field away from cities and cars and lights. middle of the night, light music and star gazing 73. What is the best date night movie? -beetlejuice obviously  74. What is something you are currently looking forward to? - Vacation with my family 75. Tell me a funny joke? -What do you do when you see a spaceman? - Park your car man! 76. Do you like musicals? If so, what’s your favourite? -yes and wicked or Hamilton 77. What is your favourite song currently? -Feel It Still, PTM 78. What song never fails to make you dance? - see above 79. What is your favourite “classic?” - classic movie? classic book? classic song? 80. What is the best advice you have ever been given? - I thought we’d already been over this.  81. Where did you ancestors come from? -Here and there. Native American, Irish and Welsh. 82. What have you learned from your parents/guardians? -yes mom: never settle, dad: control your temper 83. What is a phrase you heard a lot growing up? -are you hurt? are your bleeding? then why are you crying? 84. Do you believe in magic? -yes 85. What reminds you of your best friend? -music festivals (and almost every other thing in my life) 86. What are you passionate about? -teaching 87. Tell me a story from middle school? -we were in gym one day and they were playing music and letting us dance to it and they played pop, lock and drop it and this girls boob came out.  88. Who was your favourite teacher and why? -Ms. Lindall, fourth grade, she was the most caring and helpful person I had ever met.  89. Can you roll your tongue? -mhm 90. What made you pursue what you are studying? (including school subjects) -Amy Ellison. and my love for reading 91. Where would you like to travel to? -all over, but Im planning an asia trip 92. What is something on your bucket-list? -swim cage free with sharks 93. What is home to you? -home is where the heart is 94. What do you do in your free time? -sleep a lot 95. If you could buy anything right now, what would it be? - an island with my own private beach house 96. If you could see anyone, living or dead, right now, who would it be? -my greatgrandfather moore  97. If you could choose, what would your last meal be? -see about about tacchino 98. How would you like to die? -late, in love and a little drunk 99. List five of your favourite pieces of art (paintings, books, songs etc) -1. Adagio in D minor, 2. Neverwhere by Neil Gaimain, Atlas sculpture by Michaelangelo, Dante’s Inferno by Dante Alighieri, A thousand splendid suns by khaled housseini  100. What would you change about this world? - That everyone had all basic necessities and that people were kind to one another just to be kind. 

[emma-poole]

I buy myself flowers at the market now. Last week it was a bird of paradise, long-stemmed with spiky buds, veins made of violet, orange, and green. I keep her on the metal tray table next to my bed, in the company of sage, palo santo, rose quartz, and amethyst- talismans for good juju. She is starting to die. I need to take her out of her foggy water; her leaves are withered to a crisp brown and it seems unjust to keep her bowed head on display any longer. Bright colors stop me in my tracks these days, punchy orange and purple-hues that look the way vibrancy feels. I fantasize about giant, aromatic bouquets spilling out of brown paper cones, the all-consuming sweetness of lilac to the the lungs, how eucalyptus lingers past the inhale.

In my 29th year, my twenties appear like a film reel played in slow motion. To go back is both to relish and grieve; to see my former self with clearer eyes. Faces are roadmaps of my New York: every time I walk by the Irish pub on 7th and 28th, I think of Dean. On Third avenue, Devin. East Harlem, Robert. The yellow pickup truck is Jonathan. New Jersey, Anthony. Benny is the candle section of the Columbus Circle TJ Maxx, each wick flickering as we fucked in broad daylight, only the shadow of his black curtains protecting me from the type of sunlight you reserve solely for the person you love to see you in. Julius is No Ordinary Love, Sade’s smoky voice narrating our silhouette, shea butter skin and pre-rolled joints in glass jars. Lance resides on the rooftop of my building, no longer in use, where we drank red wine out of cups and stared at a murky sky, the prelude to our first night spent together. Chris is deep Brooklyn, dating a father, and white tee-shirts over a heavy gold chain that tickled my face every time we made out. Walker, who makes his own salad dressing and who I contrived an elaborate fantasy of marrying the day I met him, is Chinatown. The wooden bench on the crossway of 74th and broadway where we met, Clinton Street Bakery and pretending to meditate when I really wanted to fool around and how could he possibly be focused on his breath right now.

Some of the faces repeat over the years, their recurrence coinciding with my need for familiarity or the desire to scratch a persistent itch just once more, only to result in the same unease. Others come in and out of my life as quickly as a water blot drying on paper, their features frozen in singular, vivid images. They say to love is to die a little, that you lose a part of yourself you can never get back. I have died many times in love, believing in the moment I would never recover from the warfare that is a broken heart. Looking back, I question the purity of my feelings-not only in rootedness but intent; in my early twenties, my desire to be wanted far exceeded my desire to be understood.

People belong to these memories, but the lessons are mine. I am no longer the fresh faced 22-year old who willingly stepped into disaster for the sake of experience. Her New York exists in summer evenings when you are awake to see the sun set and rise in the same night, where Harlem still feels new and the sight of a cockroach is somewhat thrilling because it means you’re here and doing it, tiny, rat-infested apartment beside the point. She hasn’t even walked the Brooklyn Bridge yet, or learned to verbalize the way she really wants to be touched, that two fingers feels better than one, and consistent, steady pressure is always more effective than a manic, flicking tongue.

How do I possibly convey her journey- the she who is no longer me and has always been me?

I write these words from a moving bus on the Massachusetts Interstate at golden hour, watching the sun playfully peek its head between each stand alone tree, together a massive green mosaic that takes my breath away each time I look up. The person I love is worlds away, in a small city that requires a six hour bus-ride from the capital’s airport. I still imagine taking that ride with him, the intensity of our reunion, the way he’d smell, look, feel. I see our two bodies finding each other in a busy terminal, the way they show it in the movies, which is never how it is in real life, hugging before speaking, my nose searching his clothing for familiar scent, my eyes, finally, to his face, for a recognizable feeling. Would this body-new and the same- I had fallen in love with, react to my touch the same way? Would he remember how we talked about making babies together, hoping they get his eyes and my complexion, that we could see our lives together, 20 years down the road?

So much has happened since that night. We had no idea.

I’m still here, I want to say to him now. Don’t you dare forget how it felt.

Sometimes I press my face all the way up against the mirror in my room until my breath creates a circle of fog around my mouth. My vision narrows; I am momentarily cross-eyed. I like the feeling of cold glass against my skin, watching my cheeks suck air in and out. I like taking sensation a step further, testing the boundary of my own proprioception. I slowly back up from my reflection, each feature becoming more pixelated with every inch moved away. These are eyes someone could love, I think, tracing the half moon of my eyelid with my thumb. I stick my forefingers in each of my dimples, imagine being kissed in the tiny divots every morning. As a kid, I demanded my father’s attention by cupping his chin in my hand and aggressively turning his face toward me while he was in the middle of a conversation. As a kid I was much more incessant in my demand for attention. Adulthood has softened me, but I still find myself searching for the precocious little girl who stripped naked in her carseat so she wouldn’t have to get up.

My life these days feels more inward than out. For a long time, I have lived between two worlds: the world in my mind and the world before me. The two were constantly at odds, which resulted in me being at odds with myself. It is a maddening reality to exist more abundantly in your head than your life. How many times I’ve scratched pen to paper in my journal recalling this sentiment, and then played out the same crippling scenario again and again in my life. My freshman year of highschool, during volleyball tryouts- a sport I took up more for the spandex and social aspect than love of the game- I pretended to hit my head on the gym floor so I wouldn’t have to finish out the suicide drills the coaches were dosing out like sergeants. I made the team but was often asked to remove myself from the huddle for inappropriate laughter, my desire to entertain my teammates greater than the desire to come out on top, to compete, to win.

I look at my newborn niece, two weeks old. She has lungs that know how to breathe, the tiniest brown hairs on the rim of her left ear. Her eyes are cloudy blue saucers that roll back in her head when she’s relaxed, and fixate on mine when I raise my voice to a higher pitch. If I place my index finger beneath her miniature, translucent hand, she will latch on instinctively, as though touch is a sense not learned but remembered. Let her tiny body not fool us as a veil for the deep wisdom her spirit carries.

Looking at her, I see God. I study each pearly fingernail, tiny and symmetrical, and marvel at the home my sister’s body made for hers to form. How babies come into this world trusting that the person who lays her hand in theirs is safe, and good. And finally, how my niece’s perfectly formed heart knows to pump blood into her body without ever being told how.

Have you ever noticed that if you hold your hands upright, connecting each thumb and index finger, a perfect spade forms? The spade is a heart flipped upside down, each curve inverting to form a sharp point. In tarot, spade is the death card. How fitting that a shape representing love and life coincides with death when turned on its head. I realized this in yoga class the other day, when I sat on my mat in the meditative time before class starts and and made shapes with my hands. The people who bring their phones into the room and play on them until class begins are missing out-I’ve had some of the most profound realizations about life staring up at ceilings while listening to the foot patter of those slowly trickling in around me.

Life and death coexist all around me. I admire a flower’s beauty only to smell its rot the next week. The news barks of another mass shooting while I sniff the sweet, baked warmth of a newborn’s head. We fall in and out of love, homes, places. New ideas are birthed based on the mishaps of others- if we see the destruction happen, perhaps we can prevent the end result for ourselves. A sort of selfish altruism, to observe the pain of others as a preventative measure to preserve our joy.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Sometimes I can’t even plan more than what I will have for breakfast the next day, let alone take care of the crumbs on my bed since my bed is the place I do everything- are there people more dignified? The moon is new and then it’s full and people are dying and loving and making love and messing up and gluten is bad for you and then, actually, it’s not. The only unchanging force is change itself, which feels tragic and hopeful at the same time. And so I wish to cling to the scent of my niece’s milky skin, bottle it up and dab it on my wrist each time I feel pain, or taste the bitterness of jealousy. I wish to wrap my loving hands around the face of the person I love and ask him, point blank, can you handle me? To press my lips against the hearts of those who’ve hurt me and whisper thank you for the learning.

Robin is asleep next to me, tucked in beneath the covers as she does. Her snores are my metronome. The weather dropped to 65 degrees tonight and I can feel Fall’s crisp promise in the cool breeze coming through my window.

[the-firebird69]

The Island of Dr. Moreau | Dr moreaus death scene

He's pretty much mutated and very stoned very high and doesn't remember AI remember said he's being abused so he tries to get him to remember it's the Ai and he has a lot of it. He says we got past it so they got past it because they have it and you don't so so he says okay what do I do I guess you haven't gotten it yet so you don't know what to do this is okay we have a plan he leaves and he says there's too much muttering going on so you're not a very bright person and you and Biden your methods are go task and rude and they don't really work that great compared to the max you're like maybe 10 or 20% effective because of it and their methods are not the greatest either but they're much better for being an enemy of ours I said it millions of times at least you listen a little but really they push you guys a little bit too hard but then again it's sort of agreed to do it again hyped up on chemicals and is not using proper controls and he's not making proper agreements they can't really it's fairly decent at it all the foreigners don't want it we don't want it lots of women don't want it to happen so I doubt you'll be in the house it's not right what you're doing here it's probably move out but you gained grounde when you did last time.

Why do I listen to him I'm just thinking this the whole time why do I listen to him he's saying that I got out and I started doing better now I'm just sitting on him farting and getting beat up now I'm doing it here and this is going to suck.

So we felt better about it because he's trying to do things to fight and to use against massive Mega mutants and stuff he did kind of agree to it loss control and start to rebel and sort of had to.

I was wondering something what are we doing there well you said you're wondering when you're there for more than a few minutes with really is fast what is this to what does that do how long does it take what happens to your cells before and after you know it's medical science says well being experimental yes and you lost control and it is a crime and he didn't have to do it that way but he did and this way it is I mean you can say you're in this half the island he could record you off you could test remotely but then you can with today's competition you don't know if it'll work you don't know if anything would ever get off the ground you know it's kind of like you trying to break into this vault I just want them in 50 times and all dead so you try and do Cloak and Dagger then you try and do maneuvers then you rope everybody in and you sort of get like 20% of all rather than nothing and that's just kind of going on so he gets it and says it's hell but right now right now it is almost the worst it's going to get this is the epitome of abysmal and after a week or so it should get a little better but most of the fleets will probably be gone I just the way people are fighting but this week's going to blow sorry

He started laughing because he understood it all then he said this is the way it is you have to live with us couldn't stop us had to do something it didn't work and we went to town and the date is probably not as good as it was but instead of nothing so they get to escape and they went to escape afterwards and they found ways off and they're coming back and they're losing their mutation and they're going to be here thinking about it wanted to be strong to overcome you to grab you to force to do stuff he says this is kind of like this wicked temperamental guy massively temperamental yeah too huge difference if things were reversed and you were me and how are you but I was me myself and you're smarter if I had to control them it would not be this nightmare of what do I do it would not it's very simple what George and dad were doing worked what you guys are doing does not work she trying to reinvent the wheel and you were never good at it I got to tell you the other one the Tommy so it's difficult I was over there and it was impossible you can't look anywhere you can't breathe funny you can't Excel funny without them wanted to know what it is it's very tight when I was there and your people were everywhere so

He got really excited and said we're doing the job and I got some results and he started screaming this you will shut up and sit down and he's in the same boat with half an arm and legs and mangling with some pain and suffering and still bleeding a little so I came out in the hospital ship and be fixing them and they're coming to later on does corky do the job but holy s*** you have to manage and see what he's saying I don't have any skills of doing this nobody's helping me and manage them you guys get beat up to hell what am I supposed to do allow you to succeed so you can send them to beat me up somehow so he had him off and Helena salads changing back they started banging on things he said I can't have you bang on things all day and night it's keeping everybody up we need to heal you need to heal shut up and go to sleep sound like that so it's quiet goes to sleep makes up brings about a society cookies and milk

Tell you what that looks pretty good

Who is laughing because everybody else is eating it now oh my God look at you people who gives a s***

So it may not go directly to the Bronx we believe it does though not enough time and it had Jason there and Jason stepped out and Jason wants to step back in and he saw a cast over there messing around with him so he thinks it's a good opportunity and he was mini me I said when you grow up and gain three inches you can be in Bronx movie again cuz in the Bronx movie again what.

So that's an issues when they're coming back but that's okay and eventually they get back and they're in the Bronx and Jason rides up there with the gang and for some reason they form up not really sure but here they go shopping or is Ken does something alone it's kind of funny because Ken looks like he's sitting in the middle of the back of the van it's like the strange show with guys carted around you know what stop it and we're laughing because they're bunch of bums rediced to this and it's going to go downwards. But at least mini me had his mini Grand. And didn't get eaten because some of them break those baby back ribs. And they're heading back and it's pretty soon they're not getting back right now I think soon enough and it's hours away and then they're going to have the Bronx movie because it's only a day left and Quincy Brown so he's right we can do that now and take these things out that's why they're there but I forgot about it in the ship but they got something I guess

Thor Freya

[rinnnyxr]

-

Foundation You don’t like to show off your flaws. You skin color is an ivory of some sort. You hate acne/zits. You like wearing masks for Halloween/costume parties. You have a red undertone. Total: 2

Mascara You hate using black mascara; You’d much rather use brown. You have really long eyelashes. You’re very long & lean. You don’t open your mouth when you put on mascara. One of your favorite features about yourself are your eyes. Total: 1

Hairbrush/Mirror Combo Your favorite color is teal. You look in the mirror often. You brush your hair often. People have told you that you are handy. One of your favorite features about yourself is either your hair or face. Total: 3

Blush Your favorite color is light pink. You like using sparkles. Your favorite makeup maker is MAC. Blush is a part of your makeup ritual. You’re pretty girly. Total: 1

Eyeliner You actually hate eyeliner. If you use eyeliner, it’s black. One of your favorite features about yourself are your eyes. People compliment on your eyes a whole lot. You borrowed something from a friend & still haven’t returned it. Total: 2

I am: hairbrush/mirror combo

-

Section One - Dating Dated someone you didn’t have feelings for? Hooked up with someone to make someone else jealous? Cheated on someone? Dated or hooked up with a friend’s ex? Regretted hooking up with someone? Had a rumor spread that you hooked up with someone, but actually didn’t? Kissed someone who was a really bad kisser? Been told that you were a bad kisser? Slept in your boyfriend’s clothing? Slept in your boyfriend’s bed? Lied about dating or hooking up with someone? Got in trouble for public displays of affection? Hooked up with two people in the same day? Had a friend with benefits?

Section Two - Partying Have you ever been drunk or high? If not, have you ever been offered drugs or alcohol? If so, do you drink and smoke regularly? Do you remember the first time you were drunk? What about the first time you got high? Have you ever been to a party that was busted by the cops? Do you or have you ever smoked cigarettes? Have you ever taken Adderall, Ritalin, or some other kind of drug to get high? Do you get bad hangovers? Do you have a friend who ALWAYS throws the best parties? Have you ever thrown a party? Have you ever passed out or thrown up from being so drunk? Do you ever wake-n-bake?

Section Three - School Have you ever cheated on a quiz/test? Has your phone ever gone off in class? Have you ever done anything illegal on school grounds? Can you B.S. your way out of getting in trouble at school? Have you ever skipped? Did you write a fake note or have someone call in and pretend to be your mom/dad? Have you ever gotten caught skipping? Do you think one of your teachers is creepy? Have there ever been rumors at your school about a teacher and a student hooking up? Do you ever stick gum under your desk? Have you ever used a proxy to access facebook/myspace/xanga at school? Have you ever stolen something from school property? Do you secretly enjoy school? Has something embarrassing ever happened to you at school? Have you ever been to summer school?

Section Four - Internet Have you ever taken a picture of yourself specifically for Facebook? Have you ever said that someone took a picture of you, but you actually set it on self-timer? Is there someone who you always Facebook stalk? Do you ever wonder who Facebook stalks you? Do you know the password to any of your friends’ profiles? Have you ever logged on without his/her permission? Have you ever sent a friend request to someone just because you thought he/she was hot? Have you ever sent a friend request to someone who you thought was someone different? Do you/have you ever watched porn? Do you know someone who has ever made a fake profile to pretend to be someone else? Do you think you spend way too much time on the internet? Have you ever chatted with someone on webcam?  Do you think internet stalking is fun?

Misc. Have you ever snuck out/snuck people into your house? Have you ever thought a sibling’s boyfriend/friend was hot? Would you hook up with the last person you texted? Have you ever stolen something? Have you ever lied to your parents about where you were? Do you/have you ever had a friend that you secretly hated? Do you have any regrets? Do you ever go commando? Do you like the size of your boobs? Are you comfortable with the way you look?

-

1 point Your phone has less than 20% battery You have a pink case for your phone Facebook app You have at least one picture of your pet I’ve got : 1 point out of 4

2 points You have a text about a store coupon You have more than 100 pictures Your ringtone is an actual song You have at least 1 reminder saved I’ve got: 5 points out of 12

3 points You have a passcode You used Facebook today You have an alarm set You’re using your headphone right now

I’ve got: 8 points out of 24

5 points Snapchat app You made a call today before 7 am Your recent text was to your mom The most recent text you have is from someone else I’ve got: 13 points out of 44

10 points You have 0 unread text messages You have a picture with your best friend You missed a call today Your screenlock picture has black in it I’ve got: 33 points out of 84

15 points You don’t have a smart phone You don’t have a note-taking app You have full battery You have less than 10 photos

I’ve got 33 points out of 144

[bughead-fic-request]

I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @believe-that-you-can-my-friend work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them.

My tumblr account is believe-that-you-can-my-friend and anyone can find my masterlist by clicking on the menu button (the three parallel lines at the top of my sidebar) and then choosing “My Bughead Stories”. You can also find me on AO3.

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m Vera, I’m from Greece and I’m currently on the 23rd decade of my life. I’m a Classical Studies graduate and I’m considering doing a Master’s too. I’m a major foodie, a fashion and style enthusiast, an avid dancer and an old school rock lover. A quite sarcastic human being trying to make it in this world with the attitude of your average clown-friend.

3. What do you never leave home without?

Probably my phone, as true to our 21st century standards. Plus, my headphones and my sunglasses.

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

I’m a night owl for sure. I hate early mornings and I love sleep but I also can never go to bed before 2 or 3 am.

5. If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?

I would want to live in the Pokémon world or the Harry Potter universe but during the Marauders era. Witty and utterly smitten James Potter, rebel with a cause Sirius Black, the First Wizarding War, this is a true fantasy right there that I’ll never ever outgrow.

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met?

There are a lot of Greek people that you guys, obviously, won’t know. Not many international celebrities in my resume, I’m afraid. But I briefly chatted and took a picture with Jim Chapman from YouTube while I was visiting London two years ago.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

I enjoy a lot of different movie genres but I guess an old Hollywood one, some good old Hitchcock or anything drama are my typical choices most times. Out of the top of my head, definitely Gone with The Wind, Casablanca, Pulp Fiction, The Breakfast Club and such. As for TV shows, Lost is always first in my heart. Current favorites would be Sense8, Stranger Things, Westworld, Riverdale.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

That’s a question that would take me pages to answer. Long story short, I’m a cultural chaos regarding music. I listen to almost everything, my Spotify has a tone of personal playlists and my vinyl collection is reaching a terrifying extend. My favorite genre is definitely classic rock but I also really love alternative rock, indie rock, and rock ‘n’ roll. On an average day, I’m usually blasting something along the lines of The 1975, then Pink Floyd, then Frank Sinatra, then Tchaikovsky, then Kanye West, then The Killers and so on and it’s a miracle that I still manage to stay a somewhat sane person.  

9. Favorite Books?

Anything Jane Austen, Bronte Sisters or Dostoyevsky can get me going. But for the level of angst and devotion and truly wicked love my favorite one is Wuthering Heights.  

10. Favorite Food?

Chicken curry with rice. I also really love shrimps.

11. Biggest pet peeve?

Probably people that chew very loudly. Or ignorant and uneducated people, not in the academic sense of the word, but ill-mannered and rude.

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

For many years I wanted to be an architect. This plan though sunk because my sketching skills are equivalent of a two year old. So, I ended up studying the Classics (basically the study of the Greco-Roman world, particularly of its languages and literature, but also including philosophy, history, and archaeology.) This field and area of studies is something I very much enjoy and value but I don’t really see it as my lifetime job. What fascinates me and makes me passionate about is Journalism so I’m thinking about extending my studies in the journalistic field as well. And then of course there is writing; the ultimate dream.

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

I’m scared of wasps, only because I’m allergic to a lot of things and, seriously, I don’t wanna push my luck. Another one would be my odd phobia of getting nauseous and being sick. For some weird reason I associate vomiting with death. Other strange fears, no, nothing comes to mind. As for more fundamental ones, it’s the fear of ending up alone; loneliness is something that scares me deeply. Also, disappointing my inner perfectionist by being average or not good enough at any aspect of my life.

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one you’d regret not doing?

Live more. I have a very composed and rational mentality, I always think first and then act and generally I’m more of an observer than a doer. I regret, for example, not being a crazier teenager or a more reckless college student or generally a little bit more “loose”. Hopefully, my introverted self will stop watching stoically life passing her by and take more chances by the time I reach that final moment, haha.  

Okay… let’s talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

Where The Wild Roses Grow – Angst is the air I breathe, enough said.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

Up until now I used to write only Bughead prompts and one-shots so, plot wise, I can’t think of any of them causing me too much headache. I could say Fruit Punch Lips & Leather Jacket Dreams, only because of the length of the chapters and the hurricane of ideas I had in my mind. Right now I’m trying my hand at my first multi-chaptered fic for the Bughead fandom and I can definitely say that it is proving to be quite the task in terms of planning and prioritizing.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

For me, it’s mostly TV and movies. I always make parallels between plotlines and couples so a lot of ideas do come from stuff that I have seen on the big screen or during a marathon of an old show. But they also come from everyday life, I mean I could be discussing something with my best friend or doing groceries or driving and something along the way would strike me and demand from me to write it on paper.

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I really really wanted (and still want, to be honest) to write a Dancing With The Stars Bughead fic. I know it’s crazy and totally random but the idea had stuck in my head while I was watching some dancing videos on YouTube and instantly I had everything planned; the roles, the plot, the dancing sessions, the choreographies, the drama, everything. I gave up on the idea merely because it’s quite difficult to portray such show on paper and I was afraid that the scenes in my head would turn out totally different if I attempted to write them, so I’ll treasure this story in my heart and think fondly about it whenever I listen to a song I had picked for a Bughead dance-off. But you never know; maybe my muse will be more confident about helping me give life to this idea in the future.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

I wouldn’t say it’s my least favorite but I don’t feel very confident about Heliophilia, the second chapter of Fruit Punch Lips & Leather Jacket Dreams. There are a lot of things that I like in the chapter obviously, but I find the beginning a tad cheesy and then at the part with Betty’s and Jughead’s date I believe that I just ramble on and on with no purpose whatsoever. I was very inspiration-deprived while working on that chapter so, to me at least, it feels like not my best work.

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Jughead raised as a Serpent in my latest fic. I like the dynamic the gang element gives to his character and I really wanted to explore it in my own little universe. It just adds another layer to his personality and diverse characters are always the most fun to work with. Also, #GirlNextDoor was very fun to write. Being in Jughead’s shoes as an accomplished writer and envisioning future Bughead in their own adult apartment had me overwhelmed with lovely feelings.

21. Favorite character to write?

Jughead, for sure. Maybe because I relate more to his quite nature or maybe it’s the fact that I appreciate the writer in him and his old soul, which are again qualities that I have too as a person. He has so much potential as a character, so many layers to peel off. Yeah, Jughead Jones is a delight for me to write.

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

I don’t think I have something specific in mind. If I go back and read any of my stories, I always find something that I feel pretty confident about, either that’s a sentence or a whole paragraph. I guess that’s why it takes me so long to update; I always check and double-check and reread and erase and add until I feel positive that what I’m putting out is something I’m quite satisfied to present to all of you. That and the fact that me, a Victor Hugo wannabe, doesn’t know the usage and the importance of a full stop!

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

Every single one. Literally. The fact that somebody takes the time to write even a single “great work” means the world. Yes, the long, commentary-like reviews are always an extra delight; every author would agree on that, because, we love receiving feedback that shows the emotion and the reaction our words brought to each reader. It’s very direct and on-point. But even just a thumb’s up or an incoherent array of vowels can literally make my day!

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

I’m one of the fortunate ones that never got any bad reviews or hate comments. I hope it stays that way because, on a good day, my confidence as a writer (and as a person in general) is beneath zero! But constructive criticism is always welcomed and wanted.

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

The occasional typos! They drive me nuts, I hate them and I hate myself for them. Also, I’d like to remind myself to put a damn full stop every once in a while, not only a plethora of commas in insanely long sentences!

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

I was very into Spaleb (Spencer and Caleb from Pretty Little Liars) for as much as it lasted and, amongst a few other stories, I’ve written an one-shot titled The First Cup of Coffee about the four times Spencer gets the first cup of coffee in the morning and a fifth that she realizes she wants Caleb to have that privilege. Basically, it’s five snapshots of their life together and the growth of their relationship through the years and I really enjoyed writing it and generally envisioning a future about that couple. I also had a great time writing about Klaus and Caroline from The Vampire Diaries. But none of my previous fanfiction experiences amounts to the utter excitement and joy writing for Bughead fills me with.

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

Fanfiction wise, I need a lot of catching up to do. I have so many fics that I either want to continue or start reading and so little time but I’m getting there. It’s personal at this point! As for general fiction, I’m reading Uncle Vanya by Chekhov and some various poetry.

28. Do you have an advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

Just write. Open a plain document and write. Write whatever you have in that brilliant head of yours, write what you would read if you were about to search between genres and plotlines. Don’t think about note numbers or people’s reaction; just write what your heart desires and your muse urges you too. If you enjoy what you write then, trust me, everyone is going to enjoy it too. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t try to change your style or adjust to any norms you might consider as successful. Writing is personal, a kind of identity, and it’s unique and mesmerizing so proudly present your own identity to the world. Also, be sure to support your fellow writers. We are all a team here, a group of people that enjoy the same passion, and love and recognition is always a must. So applaud your fellow Buggies and applaud yourself for everything that you put out in this fandom, either that is a 40k fic or just a fifty-word paragraph. What you write matters and it might change somebody’s day. So share it and never second-guess yourself.

[heyeulalie]

More of the Backstory

I’m going to try to tell this story as concisely as possible.

So I am 35 and single. So very, very unhappily single.

About 5 years ago I left a relationship I shouldn’t have been in. He was an atheist and we had been living together and sleeping together. I had always been afraid to be alone and had jumped from relationship to relationship since I was a teenager. I was in my late 20′s and he and I were dating around the time a lot of my friends were starting to get married. I hoped that if we just really acted like we were married we would eventually get married and everything would be okay in God’s eyes.

But as time passed and I got closer and closer to God I felt like God was telling me to leave my boyfriend. Deep down I knew that relationship wasn’t what I really wanted either. I wanted to be with someone who also had a relationship with God, even though the prospect of starting all over again seemed absolutely terrifying.

I jumped and God caught me. My friend from church offered to let me move in with her, and three days after my ex and I broke up I was offered a job on staff at my church. It wasn’t easy, but God surrounded me so closely with His people in a time when I was so hurt and raw and vulnerable.

Leaving that relationship was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t so much about the relationship, as it was about completely abandoning my old unhealthy way of relating to people and deciding, once and for all, that God’s way really is the best way.

Watching my entire life crumble, and losing all the closeness and intimacy I had been used to only to be replaced with a lot of work was crushing.

One day I asked God, in tears, that if it was His will for me to be single and alone forever that I didn’t want to be alive. I told Him I couldn’t and wouldn’t kill myself. I knew it was wrong and I also just couldn’t do that to my parents, but I very seriously asked God to please end my life.

It turns out that praying for death isn’t a good prayer to pray. God is a God of life, He wants to give us life abundantly. If we’re in Him we’re always alive anyway - so praying for death is basically praying against His will. I know this now, but I did not know it then. The only example in the Bible I could think of was Elijah, who asked God to let Him die. God never reprimanded him for his prayer - but instead sent an angel to bring him a snack.

Anyway, I prayed very seriously asking God to let me die, and then got up to take a shower because I had to go to work again. I was sobbing in the shower, my thoughts racing, when I heard a voice in my head. It wasn’t an audible voice, but it was calm in a way that none of my own thoughts had been. I had noticed that God sometimes speaks to me by dropping a word in my head, so I try to at least pay attention when it happens. Sometimes it’s just my own random thoughts, but sometimes I do think it really is God. 

The voice said “Tobit”.

I had no idea what a tobit was, but if it might be God trying to tell me something I figured I might as well look it up. It turns out that Tobit is a book that is in the Catholic Bible, but not the version of the Bible I had. I had never heard of it. I started to read it and started sobbing again.

Tobit is a righteous man living in the wicked city of Ninevah. One day he is struck blind, and prays, very sincerely, asking for God to let him die. Sarah lives in Media. She has been engaged seven times, but each one of her fiances dies just before the wedding day. She is extremely ashamed and doesn’t want to live. She tells God she can’t commit suicide because she can’t make her father suffer, but she asks God to take her life.

And this was how God answered their prayers for death in Tobit Chapter 3:

“6 At that very time, the prayer of both of them was heard in the glorious presence of God. 17g So Raphael was sent to heal them both: to remove the white scales from Tobit’s eyes, so that he might again see with his own eyes God’s light; and to give Sarah, the daughter of Raguel, as a wife to Tobiah, the son of Tobit, and to rid her of the wicked demon Asmodeus. For it fell to Tobiah’s lot* to claim her before any others who might wish to marry her. At that very moment Tobit turned from the courtyard to his house, and Raguel’s daughter Sarah came down from the upstairs room.“

I just had no words. Sarah’s prayer had been almost exactly my prayer, and take this to mean what you will, but I felt like God was saying that He wasn’t going to let me die, but that He was going to heal me and bring me a husband.

This really felt to me like a promise from God, and it’s something I’ve been holding on to and honestly trying to figure out how to steward well. I believe God told me this to give me hope through a very dark, hard season, but I’ve been through times when I think maybe I’ve held on to this promise more than to God, and wondered if even a promise from God can be an idol. I have to keep laying it down again and trusting that if this is really His will then it is completely safe in His hands.

I’m still trying to figure this all out.

For about three years I felt like God was stopping me from dating every time I tried. Instead I felt like He just wanted me to focus on trying to make friends with other believers.

Again, it was a whole new thing for me. I hadn’t grown up going to church so the concept of having Christian friends, or the fact that it could be important to have friends who share your beliefs was pretty foreign to me. Church people didn’t feel like safe people to me because they weren’t like my old friends - most of them weren’t nerdy and I always felt a little less than around them. I felt like most of them were better than me and didn’t know how to feel like I was on even footing with them, even though I knew, intellectually, that we’re all equal in Jesus’s eyes.

Through all of this God uncovered so much junk from my past that was inhibiting in my relationships in general. I felt extremely rejected and ostracized as a kid, and took rejection on as my identity. Growing up I felt like a total outcast until guys suddenly started noticing me and being attracted to me. Their attention gave me a value that I hadn’t been able to find in myself, and from then on I always felt like I needed to have a boyfriend in order to have the same value that normal people just have inherently.

I also felt extremely rejected and ostracized by average people, but among other rejects I felt extremely loved and seen and valued, probably because most of the attention from guys was coming from that circle of friends. I was constantly categorizing the people I met as “safe person” or “unsafe person” based on whether or not they seemed like a rejected person. I felt like the only people who wouldn’t reject me were other rejects, so therefore they were the only safe types of people to befriend.

I built a whole elaborate system to avoid being rejected, which really just put a huge limit on the types of people I allowed myself to get to know. Even in my dating relationships, I would, for the most part, intentionally choose someone I thought was a little bit “less than” me - less attractive, less healthy -  so I would feel safe knowing that he would have to be crazy to reject me. Ultimately though, these relationships were never satisfying because, deep down I wanted someone who would challenge me and be on my level, even though I was too scared to go after it.

When I prayed about dating, I felt like God was giving me permission to go on dates and meet people, but He just kept telling me that He was going to send someone to me and I didn’t need to go out looking. I ultimately needed to wait for God to move. A church service I went to that week taught on Habakkuk 2:

“Then the Lord answered me and said:

“Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. 3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.”

They printed these verses in the church bulletin and I hung it on my mirror, trying to remind myself of what I felt like God was saying to me. Though it tarries, wait for it.

Then, a few weeks later, my very first boyfriend from middle school reached out to me. I hadn’t spoken to him in about 20 years. Of course I wondered if maybe this was who God was sending, but I wasn’t sure. He wasn’t a believer, so I didn’t think so, but it was nice to catch up with him. He had moved to Canada when we were kids, and he and I, at the tender age of 13, had tried to maintain a long distance relationship over the brand new invention of the internet for a few months.

But the whole thing got me starting to think about what I really wanted, and how I really wouldn’t mind moving if I met the right person.

Shortly afterward my roommate let me know that she had just got engaged and that she wouldn’t be renewing our lease. Again, it seemed like door was closing and I was wondering where God was wanting me to go next, and if He really was wanting me to move somewhere else.

I prayed, telling God that if He wanted me to move somewhere that I would go in a heartbeat, He just had to tell me where to go.

Around this time I felt like God wanted me to sit down and think about what I really wanted in life, and in a husband. I felt like this list could be as ridiculous and impossible-sounding as I wanted. This is what I wrote down on November 1:

-To pay off my student debt

-To lose about 30 pounds in a healthy way and stay healthy (I actually did this, praise God!!)

-My own apartment/condo/townhouse with a gym, pool and a porch that is quiet, safe, and free from bugs and mold, with a washer and dryer and is close to work. And to make enough money to decorate and make it feel like my own.

-To make comics for a living and be picked up by a publisher, to write and create with God - for the stories to eventually become movies or a TV series. Possibly start my own animation studio? Or build a team to make comics?

- A new car? Maybe a hatchback? One that works well and doesn’t looks so beat up.

-To find a kind, creative, intelligent, witty man who loves Jesus to marry

- To have a circle of friends that are also kind, creative, intelligent and motivated that love Jesus

-Maybe eventually get a french bulldog puppy?

-Visit Canada!

Then, 13 days later, I met someone at my friend’s wedding. He was the groomsman I was paired with and was my friend’s husband’s best friend. He looked nerdy - kind of short and awkward with glasses, and he made a reference to “Arrested Development”, so I liked him immediately. We didn’t talk much at the wedding, but I did mention to him that I worked at a theme park, and he mentioned that he had already been planning on going to that theme park the next day. I told him he should come visit me at the booth I worked at, and we ended up hanging out in the park together when my shift ended. It very quickly felt like a date - instead of riding rides we just sat and talked until the park closed. It didn’t feel like either of us were pushing for it - it just felt so natural. But I wasn’t completely sure I was attracted to him at first. He had a strange way of walking and a strange way of talking and was kind of short and skinny for me. I wondered if he was gay. But my coworkers who met him kept assuring me that he seemed like he was crazy about me and that I should go after it. As we talked, it sounded like he was everything I had said I wanted on the list I had made - he had gone to seminary school so I knew God must’ve been important to him, was intelligent, had a good job, had creative hobbies, and liked movies and video games like I did. The only downside, it seemed, was that he lived in Austin, Texas. I was in Florida.

We hung out for the next few days, and I ended up driving him to the airport to fly home. Despite God having been talking to me about moving, starting a long distance relationship with him wasn’t even on my radar, but he mentioned he wanted to keep talking to me. I agreed. I figured that it seemed like God was opening a door to something, and I wanted to at least see where all this was going.

We spoke on the phone for hours after he got back to Texas, and by the end of the call he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I had been single for so long and had literally been begging God for a boyfriend daily, so of course I said yes.

Suddenly, we were dating! I appreciated how consistent he was in reaching out to me and how carefully he listened and remembered the details of the things I shared. Sometimes the regularity of the way he reached out almost felt robotic, but I just figured he was a more structured, routine-oriented sort of person, whereas I was a flighty artsy sort.

In January, I flew out to Austin to visit him. I prayed the whole time if this was the direction God was pointing me, that if this was my next move, that God would make it overwhelmingly, abundantly clear.

A verse I felt like God had been bringing me to around that time in regards to moving was Exodus 3:17:

“ 17 And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.’”

We had a phenomenal time together. He kissed me, he said he loved me, we prayed together, he even started talking about marriage. Austin was beautiful and quirky and growing and artsy - I loved it right away. I prayed about it all and I just felt such peace about stepping forward with everything. 

Then one night, my boyfriend and I walked around downtown. As we crossed the street, I prayed silently, asking God again that if this was really where he wanted me to go that He would make it clear. When I looked up I saw the store we were in front of was a salon called “Milk + Honey”. 

I just knew that this was my next step. 

When I got back to Florida, he dropped the bomb on me that he wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me. He said I wasn’t really his type, and eventually it came out that I essentially was too fat for him. Granted, I was overweight at the time, but I just have never had that kind of thing come up in a dating relationship before. Even when I was on the heavier side of things men usually were still very attracted to me. And if they weren’t attracted to me they just wouldn’t approach me in the first place.

Obviously I was incredibly hurt, and I mostly couldn’t understand why he would even approach me to date me if he wasn’t physically attracted to me. We met in person. He knew what I looked like.

More than that, I’m realizing now that I was SO hurt and floored by this because I felt like I was the one who was settling. I couldn’t believe he didn’t see that I was the one who was out of his league. I was still doing the thing I had done in the past - finding someone who seemed a little bit “less than” me so they would be crazy to reject me, so I would know I wouldn’t be rejected. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t feel lucky to be with me. I also thought that the fact that he had never kissed a girl before me or had a serious girlfriend before was like a safety net for me - of course he would be grateful to be with me, and he would have no one to compare me to so of course I would seem great.

So really, this whole thing help expose my broken way of choosing a “safe” boyfriend that was actually more rooted in fear than love. My failsafe system to avoid rejection was completely maladaptive. A lot of the things I thought made my boyfriend feel safe to me should have actually been red flags.

We probably should have broken up then. But I felt like God was telling me to tell him everything I was feeling, to fight it out with him, but not to pull the plug.

I’m honestly not sure how it all got resolved, but we decided to keep dating.

He visited Florida in February and we had a lot of ups and downs. But we had fun together and again wanted to keep dating.

I went back to Florida and wrapped up a lot of the loose ends I still had dangling. I finished the graphic novel I had been working on, and I started putting together a design portfolio to hopefully find some kind of art job in Austin. 

Then, the world exploded. There was that little global pandemic thing that you might have heard about. I had been planning on staying and working at the theme park through spring break, but the park closed in the middle of March and I was out of a job.

My lease was ending at the end of March, and I just realized I had almost nothing keeping me in Florida. I was hoping to have a job lined up in Austin before moving, but I figured I might as well move out there and look for a job and a place to live instead of staying in Florida and doing the same thing.

I said goodbye to the few friends I could, donated most of my stuff, and headed west. I was pretty scared. The morning of my move I prayed again, asking God is this was really, really what He wanted me to do. He brought me to Isaiah 55:12-13: 

“ 2 “For you shall go out with joy, And be led out with peace; The mountains and the hills Shall break forth into singing before you, And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; And it shall be to the Lord for a name, For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.””

It seemed crazy but I just felt like God was saying He was in it. I just prayed that God would at least let the gas stations stay open and wouldn’t close any state borders while I was on the road. 

I got to my Airbnb in Austin just as the city announced its stay in place order. My boyfriend came to see me but then told me to stay 6 feet away from him because he wasn’t feeling well.

It was already pretty obvious that this move wasn’t at all what I was thinking or hoping it might be. 

To make a very long story shorter, things have been crazy but God has been so good to provide through all of it. My boyfriend was part of a small house church and a girl in his church was looking for a roommate, so I ended up moving into an apartment with her and another friend of hers. 

I had no idea how hard it would be to find a job during the apocalypse, but my boyfriend’s manager decided to pull her kids out of daycare because of the virus, and needed a nanny. This woman is seriously probably the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever met and paid me incredibly well, which allowed me to actually buy some furniture and even decorate the apartment a little bit.

But, unfortunately I’m realizing I just don’t like working with kids in the way I think I should. I was pretty unhappy, the kids were unhappy, and when I was praying about it I really felt like God was showing me that just because something is a “good” thing to do doesn’t mean it is necessarily the thing God wants us to be doing. God designed us all with different gifts and abilities and I felt like He was kind of showing me that by me being in the wrong role for me I was keeping someone else out of the right role for them. Around this time I got accepted to be an Uber Eats driver, which I know doesn’t sound glamorous, but the thought of being free to make my own schedule and not have to worry about interacting with people just sounded so appealing. Finally I felt like God was saying it was okay to step down from the nannying job, and the mom sounded surprisingly grateful because she had been wanting to quit her job to stay home with her kids, but I guess hadn’t quite worked up the courage to do it.

Anyway, I was just grateful the whole situation benefited everyone so much.

Since then I feel like God has really been impressing on me to use my gifts and talents, although sometimes I realize I don’t even totally know what they all are. I know I need to be writing and creating though, so I need to make that more of a priority. I applied for a graphic design internship on the same day I put my notice in for the nannying job and was offered the internship the next day. I’m just feeling very grateful to be able to be taking a tiny step forward in a creative career again. 

Through all this things with my boyfriend had been weird. It didn’t seem like he really wanted to see me, but it was hard to know whether it was because he was genuinely concerned about COVID or because something else was going on. I finally confronted him about it and told him that I just didn’t feel like he was attracted to me, and he finally admitted that he wasn’t.

Honestly, now that I’ve gotten to know him better, I think he might be on the autism spectrum. I might really not be his type, I don’t know, but I think he might just not enjoy being physically close with anyone. It’s sad. I think the hardest thing has been realizing the relationship I thought I was in and the person I thought I was dating never even really existed. He’s just not who I thought he was, but I kind of feel like I’m grieving a phantom.

But I guess if this relationship was God’s way of moving me somewhere He wanted me, and giving me companionship through a very lonely time, I’m still grateful for it. And I’m grateful for the people I’ve gotten to know because of him, and that because of him I have been able to be a part of this little church community. So that’s all good.

And I know God’s promise to me is still good. I guess I’m just wondering what on earth to do now. Should I start dating again? In a way it feels like SO MUCH has changed in just a few weeks I should maybe just hold back at get my bearings again. I know I need to keep writing. 

I think maybe I need to take some time to really reflect before jumping in to yet another new thing. So... some fun subjects for next time:

-Why do I even want to be married so badly? 

-Maybe my list of what I’m looking for kind of sucks. My ex was my list, or so I thought, and it was a mess. Maybe I need to come back to God and really find out what HE wants for me and what HIS will is. I feel like I keep getting caught up in the external things about people - what they look like, what they do for work, what kinds of movies they like, and I’m not at all careful about looking at their hearts. I need to start seeing people the way God sees people.

Okay, sorry that this entry kind of devolved but I’ve been writing forever and need to start doing some work today. But now you know the rest of the backstory.

More soon!

Love,

Eulalie

[gingeredroots-blog]

I Didn't Plan for This...

Childhood dreams aren’t made of visions of blended families and step-motherhood. Thanks to classic fairytales the latter alone conjures images of a wicked woman, a la Lady Tremaine, filled with jealousy, hatred, and deceit. Even worse, due to these well known stories the stepmother seems to equate to the crumbling of the very sacred relationship between the princess and her father. Silly as it may sound the imagery is powerful and it sticks. I remember being an 11-year-old girl, sizing up any and every woman my father introduced to me, and thinking in my head, You don’t belong here.

Fast forward a bit to age 15. It was the first time I sat down to watch the movie Stepmom. A part from this specific topic, the movie didn’t have a large impact on me. But, I do remember having a few very specific thoughts walking away from it:

Wtf is snow-blowing? (I still don’t think I completely understand this)

Extreme and utter sadness. If in that situation, how would I cope in a world without my mother? How would I handle the loss of someone so engrained in my world and monumental to who I’ve become?

In no way shape or form would I want to be in Isabel’s shoes, up against the power house that is Jackie. The family unit is clearly no longer in the classic sense. But, members of the family are holding onto the memory of what once was, clinging onto those roles, and when they feel they’re threatened they resist and retaliate. Isabel is the threat and the brunt of all retaliation. Thanks, but no thanks.

Fast forward to an almost 30-year-old Danielle and reality sinks in. It’s 2017 and there’s no longer a concept of a “normal” family unit. People no longer feel the need to cover up an unplanned pregnancy with a shotgun wedding, many couples are choosing to not get married EVER, women are choosing career over kids, men are marrying men, women are marrying women. What does this mean for me? Nothing really. Other than the older I get, the older the acceptable age range for men in my dating pool. The older this range gets, the greater the percentage of this dating pool includes SINGLE DADS… EEK! But, as anyone who has ever fallen in love knows, you love who you love. You can’t really help who you fall in love with. And, when it’s good and meant to be then there’s absolutely no fighting it. As an adult, I definitely wouldn’t not date a man because he has kids. I love kids! It’s just scary. I don’t want to be THAT woman in someone’s life.

If you happen to have dated someone with kids you quickly learn children are an extension of the person that you’ve fallen in love with. I love the mannerisms, thoughts, and shared interests that my significant other and his daughter share. She’s this extremely amazing little mini version of him. Watching the two of them interact only makes me love them both more and respect the bond that they’ve created.

In my personal situation, I've kind of had it easy. "My people" don’t seem to share the same ideas and scary concepts that I’ve held onto for all these years. They’ve both accepted me with open arms. I was expecting some sort of adaptation period. For 12 years their time has just been THEIR time. I’ve been very honored and touched  by her approach to me. She’s 12, so full of love, and has an intense desire to create a space that is all inclusive for the three of us. I’ve almost had to fight to ensure that they still get daddy-daughter time. We’ve not been the greatest about adhering to it, but we’ve made a rule that once a month they’ll have a daddy-daughter date night and do something special just the two of them. Unfortunately, all ideas sound great, then life gets busy. We have to work on that one.

The more we build this new space that is for our little make-shift family of 3, the more my thinking shifts and alters. When I grocery shop, I’m not just buying salad and yogurt for one. I’m trying to think of healthy snack options and planning menus so we all have balanced meals. What’s easy for lunch? Cheezits are her favorite, so those are a must. I’m constantly trying to think of fun things to do. Gardening, craft projects, introducing her to yoga… Beyond the tangible I look at this little lady in my life and I start to think  about the kind of influence I want to have on her life and the kind of woman I want her to be.

I want her to be forgiving. It’s not always easy being the bigger person. It will challenge her and sometimes feel like it takes every piece of her to truly forgive. But, I want her to understand how empowering forgiveness is. Holding onto hate and anger only gives others power over your life and I don’t ever want her to give up HER own power.

I want her stop trying to please everyone. People pleasing is something many of us can admit to and I already see it in her. She’s 12 and she sets her own wants and desires aside so that people around her will be happy. I don’t want her to feel like her desires aren’t good enough, no matter how large or small. Of course there’s a perfect balance, but the next 10-20 years of her life are for exploring and I don’t want her to hold back one bit. I don’t want her to make certain decisions based on what she thinks her parents or other family members want her to do. I want her to follow her heart and to believe in her dreams whole heartedly.

I want her to be bold and I want her to be strong. More than anything, I want her to know that as a female, that’s okay. Enough said.

I want her to be ambitious and I want her to understand the importance of perseverance. This summer we’re going to do a goal challenge at her dad’s house, in which she’s going to set 3-5 goals. They can be small or large, but she will set them and works towards them each week. I want her to understand the importance of hard work, I want her to understand how to think about and meet what she perceives as a hurdle, and I also want her to see how sometimes our goal or the perception of the end goal can change based on our experiences along the way. This doesn’t mean that we have failed in meeting our goal, it just means that we’ve changed and that too should be honored and acknowledged. Aka, don’t be too hard on yourself.

I could go on for days about all of the things I want for her and the kind of person I want to be in her life. Long story short, being a “step mom” isn’t the scary picture I’ve held in my head for so many years. I certainly don’t feel like Lady Tremaine. Taking on this role and owning it 100% has only brought more love and happiness to my life and enriched my world in ways I never imagined. It challenges me and has forced me to change my way of thinking and being, for the better. Now my goals include ensuring I’m a positive influence in her life, a source of love and support, an outlet when needed, and a friend when appropriate. My weekend activities include family meals, swim meets and planning summer mountain vacations for the family. My life is so much more than I ever imagined. I hope she feels the same about the world we’ve built and having me in her life.

[beardcore-blog]

Andrew W.K. (7)

SYDNEY BIG DAY OUT 2011

BIG DAY OUT 2011 FEATURING: TOOL, RAMMSTEIN, IGGY AND THE STOOGES, M.I.A, JOHN BUTLER TRIO, GRINDERMAN, WOLFMOTHER, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM, BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77, CRYSTAL CASTLES, LUPE FIASCO, PRIMAL SCREAM SCREAMADELICA LIVE, DEFTONES, BLISS N ESO, ANGUS & JULIA STONE, PLAN B, PNAU, DIE ANTWOORD, EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROS, BOOKA SHADE DJs, ANDREW W.K., THE JIM JONES REVUE, BIRDS OF TOKYO, LITTLE RED, GYROSCOPE, VITALIC, CSS, RATATAT, AIRBOURNE, DEAD LETTER CIRCUS, BLUE KING BROWN, THE NAKED & FAMOUS, OPERATOR PLEASE, CHILDREN COLLIDE, GYPSY AND THE CAT, WILL STYLES, LOWRIDER, SAMPOLOGY, KIDS OF 88, KID KENOBI & MC SHURESHOCK.

2010 was one for the record books and a stellar year for BDO.

We not only passed the emotional 100 show mark with a bang, but also staged our biggest shows to the largest and our most respectful audiences of our 18 years of BDO. And so we thank you for your continued support in helping us produce the best and safest event possible for the patrons, the bands and our tireless team.

The more you care: the more we care.

Which brings us to 2011.

2010 is a very hard act to follow, so for 2011 it felt right to turn up the heat musically and visually. And what better way to explain this than to present you with over 40 exceptional acts from home and abroad for the first round alone.

This is by far our biggest and most diverse announcement ever. As well as the many incredible first timers on offer, we are enthusiastically welcoming back several iconic BDO veterans. They are some of the most exciting and uncompromising artists performing live today. We believe this combination of extremes for 2011 will create a spectacular event.

From the heaviest to the sweetest sounds in the world today, this will be a sensory overload not to be missed.

Full tickets details are below, but please remember the policies we’ve built your show on: You’re all VIPs (Very Important Punters). We don’t do elitist or bogus pre-sales: we’re either on sale or we’re not. We have what we believe to be one low ticket price for one high standard for everyone….

And we hope to see you there

Ken and Viv

So, let’s get it rolling…

TOOL

The sky will blacken, the ground will shudder, the earth will open up and BIG DAY OUT will once again tremble in the presence of the awe-inspiring TOOL. “Primal, poignant, poetic and, as always, utterly powerful” (ARTISTdirect, July 2010). Touring Down Under for the first time in four years, vocalist Maynard James Keenan, guitarist Adam Jones, drummer Danny Carey and bassist Justin Chancellor will be fresh from the studio, where they have been slowly crafting a follow-up to 2006’s 10,000 Days. From Lateralus to Stinkfist, you know the music. But, backed by a video and laser light show unlike any other, TOOL live is also “the kind of visual experience you’ll probably never have again” (CHARTattack, August 2009). Unmatched in the world of dark, heavy rock, California’s TOOL have over 20 years scorched themselves a place as “one of the best live bands in history” (ARTISTdirect). Be blinded by their light at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

RAMMSTEIN

A decade since ruling over BIG DAY OUT with a reign of fire, pyrotechnics, monstrous riffs, wicked humour and industrial savagery, RAMMSTEIN will return this summer to reclaim their sovereign territory. The RAMMSTEIN live experience is “dizzyingly ridiculous”, says the BBC. “Rock is at its best when confrontational, subversive, curiously camp and bold, which is why RAMMSTEIN are currently one of the most important bands in the genre.” Armed with their sixth album, Liebe ist für Alle da, Germany’s infamous techno-metal masters bring nothing less than the greatest show on earth: “RAMMSTEIN are in pulverising form, the crowd are going crazy, the atmosphere is electric and the firebombs launching from the stage are like World War III on apocalypse LSD” (The Quietus, February 2010). Bow down to your kings, BIG DAY OUT 2011, for RAMMSTEIN have returned. (ALL SHOWS)

IGGY AND THE STOOGES

It’s time for a new generation to plug in to the raw power of IGGY AND THE STOOGES at BIG DAY OUT 2011. The band that invented punk rock return with iconic frontman Iggy Pop rejoined by guitarist James Williamson, drummer Scott Asheton, bass player Mike Watt and sax player Steve Mackay. IGGY AND THE STOOGES will be performing songs from their landmark 1973 album Raw Power, and cherry-picking the likes of Fun House, I Wanna Be Your Dog and Down On The Street from their incendiary back catalogue. Kurt Cobain consistently listed Raw Power as his #1 favorite album of all time and Jack White will tell you that Fun House is the best rock and roll album ever made! It’s “the most chaotic and beautiful mess you could ever want” (Boston Herald, September 2010). As Iggy says, “The Stooges and I are cocked and loaded to deliver it live on stage.” And the only place to see IGGY AND THE STOOGES deliver it this summer is at BIG DAY OUT. Don’t be the one to say you missed it. (ALL SHOWS)

M.I.A.

Standing at the front line of mission BIG DAY OUT 2011 is the one-woman shock and awe campaign that is M.I.A. The Sri Lankan-British “singer/rapper/firebrand” (Pitchfork) fearlessly cuts through genre boundaries and lyrical taboos, blazing new ground from the clubs to the streets with powerhouse tracks like Galang, Paper Planes and, from her latest album ///Y/, Born Free and XXXO. On record and on stage, M.I.A. delivers “pure, flashing brilliance, a lightning cognitive connection of word, idea and sound that few do so well” (NME, July 2010). Often controversial, always compelling, M.I.A knows only one way: all guns blazing. Take cover, BIG DAY OUT. (ALL SHOWS)

JOHN BUTLER TRIO

John Butler is undeniably the most successful truly independent artist in Australia. The recent rebirth of his band the JOHN BUTLER TRIO saw two new members join John Butler; Nicky Bomba on drums and Byron Luiters on bass. The title for the trio’s latest album April Uprising is all about a period of change, of evolution and a constantly renewing beginning. April Uprising is John’s most focused, diverse and accessible album to date. Between the epic opening track Revolution and a whispered acoustic coda A Star is Born, dedicated to John’s son, April Uprising is an album that combines the personal, the political and the musically memorable with skill and passion. BIG DAY OUT is very excited to welcome back JOHN BUTLER TRIO. (ALL SHOWS)

GRINDERMAN

BIG DAY OUT is shivering with anticipation as the howling, growling, malevolent rock beast that is GRINDERMAN approaches. GRINDERMAN are Nick Cave, Warren Ellis, Martyn Casey and Jim Sclavunos – Four Bad Seeds on a mission to take us somewhere else entirely. On album No.1 they were equal parts swagger and sexual frustration. On Grinderman 2, they’re simply ravenous and rampaging, “mixing horror and black humour with barely tamed musical malevolence” (The Guardian, September 2010). Fronted by Australia’s unarguable king of intense, intimidating performance, GRINDERMAN are coming to draw out the heathen child in all of us at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

WOLFMOTHER

Brothers and sisters sound the siren. A new moon has risen and the return of WOLFMOTHER is well and truly upon us. It was a whirlwind journey the band went on with the Wolfmother album, a voyage that resulted in over one million sales, sold out riots disguised as shows the world over, multiple ARIA Awards and a Grammy. In 2009 they regrouped and returned with a thundering 2nd record, Cosmic Egg, which they describe as “the sound of the Wolfmother world being rethunk and cracked wide open, with a sprawling, jubilant galaxy of musical and metaphysical harmony spilling forth”. We couldn’t have put it better ourselves and BIG DAY OUT couldn’t be happier to have them cracking it open again in 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

You thought it was all over, but James Murphy’s genre-mashing LCD SOUNDSYSTEM couldn’t farewell the live arena without one last tilt at BIG DAY OUT 2011. The biggest name in punk-funk for much of the last decade, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM is a “disco-ticking-time-bomb” (OC Weekly) that has done everything – from movie soundtracks to Grammy-nominated albums. Now, after winning raves for third album This is Happening, Murphy is about to flick LCD’s ‘off’ switch. But before he does, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM wanna put some dance, party and soul in your world one last time, via the likes of Drunk Girls, North American Scum and Daft Punk is Playing at My House. And they’ll be bringing “the heavy artillery… “More muscular and frenzied than on record, the LCD seven-piece live line-up avoids the ‘live dance music’ cul-de-sac in favour of a looser, more dynamic sound… Wow” (The List, May 2010). You better believe this is happening – so be sure to get enough LCD SOUNDSYSTEM to last you a lifetime at BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL SHOWS)

BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77

BIG DAY OUT has seen the future of dance music, and it goes by the name of BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77. Bob Rifo’s Italian gang may be DJs, prolific producers, masked avengers and remixers extraordinaire, but this summer it will be BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77 invading the Boiler Room. This isn’t just a live set, this is live communal anarchy, an electro punk rave-up that has made BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77 one of the most talked about dance music acts on the planet. Madly energetic, or just plain mad? Whatever the answer, you’ll be showing mad love for BLOODY BEETROOTS DEATH CREW 77 by the time they’re done with BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

CRYSTAL CASTLES

Get ready to get messy with CRYSTAL CASTLES at BIG DAY OUT 2011. Toronto’s electronic experimentalists Ethan Kath and Alice Glass are purveyors of the most frenetic live show on the planet. “It’s a thrillingly anarchic, messy show … all over the place, and all the better for it” (MusicOMH, June 2010). The whispers about CRYSTAL CASTLES began in 2006, a series of limited, lo-fi vinyl singles selling as quickly as they were pressed. Two self-titled albums later, the whisper is a roar. Or maybe that’s just Glass’s “hellish shriek backed by warzone beats and liquid synths”. Shield your ears – CRYSTAL CASTLES will bring the noise at BIG DAY OUT this summer. (AUCKLAND & EAST COAST ONLY)

LUPE FIASCO

If BIG DAY OUT is beamin’, it’s because we’re psyched to be welcoming back hip hop superstar LUPE FIASCO. The MC with the madly energetic, fast-flowin’ live-band show kicked and pushed outta Chicago with two Grammy-nominated albums, Food & Liquor and The Cool. Since last hitting these shores, LUPE has wrapped a new album, Lasers. But where is it? Singles I’m Beamin’ and Shining Down were a tasty tease, yet the album proper remains so damn anticipated that the rapper’s fans have resorted to petitioning his label to have it released. That’s just the kind of passion LUPE FIASCO inspires, and that’s why we’re beamin’ to have him back at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

PRIMAL SCREAM

20 years after taking the sounds and spirit of the second summer of love and acid house and melding it into one of the greatest albums of the 1990s, British rockers PRIMAL SCREAM will remake history by performing their epoch-defining classic Screamadelica in full at BIG DAY OUT 2011. Two decades on, these songs still sound like the future: Loaded, Movin’ On Up, Higher Than the Sun, Come Together, Don’t Fight it, Feel It. Bobby Gillespie and the band will be joined by gospel singers, horn section, and a field full of memories. Come together to see PRIMAL SCREAM do Screamadelica at BIG DAY OUT. (ALL SHOWS)

DEFTONES

BIG DAY OUT is daring to look deep into the Diamond Eyes of California’s favourite alt-metal sons, DEFTONES. The 2010 release and sixth album, is “a brilliant, invigorating reintroduction” (NME) to Chino Moreno, Stephen Carpenter, Frank Delgado, Abe Cunningham and new bassist Sergio Vega – the men who shook the world a decade ago with the groundbreaking White Pony – still “wield that balance between beauty and brutality better than anyone” (ARTISTdirect, August 2010). So brace yourself for extremes as you prepare to witness the long-awaited return of DEFTONES at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

BLISS N ESO

Fresh from knocking off Eminem’s six week reign at the top of the ARIA Album Charts, with their fourth album Running on Air Aussie hip hop trio BLISS N ESO are self assuredly demanding your ears when they hit the stage at BIG DAY OUT 2011. This is music made to fill the wide open spaces of BIG DAY OUT: “This is a career defining album; an album by which every new hip-hop release in this country will be judged, and deservedly so” says The Vine, MX added “Running on Air is a rocket that never runs out of fuel.” Hip-hop style stadium singalongs? We think yes. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

ANGUS & JULIA STONE

Australia’s finest duo ANGUS & JULIA STONE have spent the last few years on a remarkable musical journey together and now they bring their lovingly crafted songs to BIG DAY OUT 2011. Their latest album Down the Way was released to critical acclaim mainly due to the subtle shift of gear, represented by a growing confidence in their abilities as artists which has seen the music follow suit. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

PLAN B

BIG DAY OUT is reverting to PLAN B. But Ben Drew is no back-up plan, he’s the recalcitrant renaissance man of British music: rapper, actor, guitarist, storyteller, filmmaker and now chart-topping soul singer. After shocking the nation with his 2006 debut Who Needs Action When You Got Words, PLAN B took a sharp turn with The Defamation of Strickland Banks, a surprising, slick album filled with “stonking tunes” (NME) that trace the rise and fall of a smartly-suited soul singer. But don’t be fooled – this sweet soul morsel has a razor-sharp edge. Quite simply, no one else cuts it like PLAN B, and he’s suiting up for BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

PNAU

As the world now knows, Australia’s electronic / pop crossover pioneers, PNAU did make the big move over two years ago to take up residence in London following on from a life changing moment crossing paths with (and now under the guidance of) the pop maestro himself, Sir Elton John. It’s been three long years since the release of their last spectacular self titled album, with which Messr’s Nick Littlemore and Peter Mayes have been incredibly busy traipsing the world completing album number four in studios in London, Atlanta, New York and Los Angeles, as well as having been involved in array of projects including one half of Empire Of The Sun; production jobs for Groove Armada, Ellie Goulding, Robbie Williams and more. In amongst this worldly action, Nick has been given the auspicious duty of composer and musical director for the famed international production Cirque du Soleil. With the wait now over and the highly anticipated fourth album arriving shortly, it’s time for PNAU to present the next chapter of ‘their brilliant career’ and as such the rumours can be confirmed as PNAU finally return home to Australia in January 2011 for the BIG DAY OUT. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

DIE ANTWOORD

Comin’ straight outta Cape Town to BIG DAY OUT 2011 are South Africa’s interweb-conquering, next level, hip hop heroes DIE ANTWOORD. The hard rhyming Ninja, Yo-Landi Vi$$er and DJ Hi-Tek burst on to the scene with serious gangsta skillz and viral videos for Enter the Ninja and Zef Side, then quickly became the “so zef, so fresh” smash hit of Coachella 2010 – “Pound for pound the most engaging and legitimately surprising act of the weekend,” said the LA Times. Part anarchic art project, part the-future-of-rap, total mystery. Are DIE ANTWOORD for real? Find the answer at BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL SHOWS)

EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROS

With their magic tour bus painted all the colours of the rainbow and their fearless leader at the wheel, EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROS are on the road to BIG DAY OUT 2011. The (at least!) ten-strong, Hottest 100-conquering neo-hippie combo from California are putting a skip in the step of the world with smile-inducing songs from the name-making Home to the happy-go-lucky Janglin’ and 40 Day Dream. This is the stuff group singalongs are made of, music to bring people together. As the Denver Post put it: “At an Edward Sharpe show, everybody is family.” So get on board with EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROES – next stop, BIG DAY OUT. You’ll feel right at home. (ALL SHOWS)

BOOKA SHADE DJs

Berlin duo Walter Merziger and Arno Kammermeier are BOOKA SHADE DJs – Get Physical label bosses, producers of immense electronic club music, newly-minted DJs. At BIG DAY OUT 2011, it’s BOOKA SHADE in DJ guise that’ll take to the Boiler Room. A BOOKA SHADE DJs set isn’t just about flinging vinyl onto a turntable – “Bringing together new tracks and new beats and creating something new around it, is more the spirit of our music,” says Kammermeier. It’s also about capturing the feeling of a great party. Grab the feeling and don’t let go with BOOKA SHADE DJs at BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL SHOWS)

ANDREW W.K.

When it’s time to party, BIG DAY OUT knows exactly who to consult – the ultimate authority on partying hard, ANDREW W.K. Infamous for his bloody nose, highly regarded for his motivational speaking, famous for his high-life attitude, beloved for his songs like Party Hard, She is Beautiful and It’s Time To Party, New Yorker ANDREW W.K. is coming our way with his full band for the first time ever to create feelings of pure joy, fun, freedom, and possibility. How does he do it? “His fast and hard party anthems whip the crowd into a fist pumping frenzy … ANDREW W.K. takes command of the crowd and bids them to live it up while they can” (mxdwn, September 2010). So, what are you waiting for? It’s time to party. It’s time for ANDREW W.K. to take command at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

THE JIM JONES REVUE

THE JIM JONES REVUE will be burning the house down at BIG DAY OUT 2011. THE JIM JONES REVUE manifesto is simple, and ferocious: "If you’re going to get on stage,” says guitarist Rupert Orton, “deliver." And that they do, riffing on Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis for a rock’n’roll sound that could have come direct from the 1950s, if it wasn’t fused with the so dang wild, loud and loose vibes of The Cramps and The Birthday Party. The Londoners may have only dropped their debut in 2008, but don’t let that fool you – these five punk rock bluesmen have been around. Hot on the heels of their blistering second album, Burning Down Your House, THE JIM JONES REVUE are set to fire up BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL SHOWS)

BIRDS OF TOKYO

BIRDS OF TOKYO certainly aren’t the kind of band to do things in halves. Their latest self –titled album was recorded between Sydney, London, Gothenburg and New York; BIRDS OF TOKYO gave themselves the most surreal and inspiring experience possible, knowing that the results of doing so would speak for themselves. This journey into such deeply personal territory has produced BIRDS OF TOKYO’s most meaningful and powerful album yet. Stand up and be counted at BIG DAY OUT 2011 with BIRDS OF TOKYO. (ALL SHOWS)

LITTLE RED

Melbourne’s LITTLE RED have been away a while, growing up, growing down, tasting the sweet and the bittersweet in equal measures, they’ve recently returned with their second album Midnight Remember. Described by The Age as ‘pretty much the best band in Melbourne at the moment’, LITTLE RED and their all-singing, all-dancing live show are set to shake up BIG DAY OUT 2011 with their pure, irrepressible pop, infectious hooks and good times. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

GYROSCOPE

No strangers to the BIG DAY OUT GYROSCOPE is bringing something new to the table this time and it’s not what you would expect. You would be forgiven for thinking that they would stick with what seems like a formula for success. But for something to succeed you don’t need a formula – you need a solid foundation on which everything can be built. And few in music have set a foundation as strong as GYROSCOPE. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

VITALIC.

The temperature gauge is rising as BIG DAY OUT ushers in the artist who ushered in a whole new era of dance music, VITALIC. The man born Pascal Arbez has always been one step ahead of the electro game, his 2005 debut OK Cowboy preceding the rise to worldwide dance-dominance of every other Frenchman with a laptop. In 2009, he re-stamped his authority on the scene with the highly-charged Flashmob. Using big synths, big beats and a big slice of glittery disco as his building blocks, VITALIC creates a sound as pulverising as it is infectious. No messing around – “This guy is incredible” (inthemix, November 2008). Keep up if you can, as VITALIC flashes forward at BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL SHOWS)

CSS

Representin’ for São Paulo at BIG DAY OUT 2011 are Brazil’s hot, hot band of the people, CSS. “The physical embodiment of the best party ever” (NME), CSS have shared their unquenchable thirst for good times and all things pop and art via two albums, Cansei de Ser Sexy and Donkey. On the eve of the release of their next blast of post-punk-electro-art-school madness, CSS are back to doing what they do best – creating unbridled joy live on stage, in a set that’s equal parts dance party, urban circus, and out-and-out chaos. As the band’s technicolour frontwoman Lovefoxx would say: get up, get up, get up! Get up, and get your CSS while it’s hot at BIG DAY OUT. (ALL SHOWS)

RATATAT

When BIG DAY OUT is rockin’, RATATAT will come a’knockin’. New York duo Mike Stroud and Evan Mast have been mixing electronics with guitars for the past decade, combining the power of noise and dance, collaborating with Kid Cudi, remixing Bjork, dropping four albums. Songs like Lex, Wild Cats and Seventeen Years have made them completely hip, but it’s when you see RATATAT live on stage – an aural, visual and physical assault of synths, guitar, hypnotic video and boundless energy – that the hype makes perfect sense. If you’re ready to be blown away, you’re ready for RATATAT at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

AIRBOURNE

AIRBOURNE have been waving the rock and roll flag for Australia both at home and overseas since 2003. AIRBOURNE crank out with all cylinders firing potent, solid and good ol’ fashioned rock and roll. “Basically, we’ve never been about having a specific message; we don’t talk about politics or social injustices in our songs. There are other bands out there to take care of that,” says rowdy lead guitarist and vocalist Joel O‘Keefe. The band’s latest album No Guts, No Glory is a true testament to AIRBOURNE’s way of life: the album is a virtual rock and roll buffet served up this summer at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL SHOWS)

DEAD LETTER CIRCUS

It’s been a few years since DEAD LETTER CIRCUS blasted onto Australian airwaves in 2007, their bombastic yet nuanced take on alternative rock left most observers struggling to process what they were hearing. It was epic, it oozed confidence, it was intense. Fast forward a while and the band then set out to record the follow up to their self-titled EP that started it all. Over an incredible 18 month gestation period, with every deadline pushed, every note analysed, every resource pooled, and every avenue of exploration exhausted, the new album This Is The Warning was born. From one travelling circus to another we make way for DEAD LETTER CIRCUS to come play BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

BLUE KING BROWN

You can put your fist in the air, come just as you are, you can bounce to da beat, rock out up the front row or chill up the back. Hard hitting lyrics and groove delivered in the most accessible way…you’re at BIG DAY OUT 2011 and Australia’s premier urban roots crew BLUE KING BROWN have arrived! Lead by the multi talented, relentless energy of Natalie Pa’apa’a, the band have established themselves as one of Australia’s most engaging live acts. BLUE KING BROWN bringing groove to BIG DAY OUT this summer. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

THE NAKED AND FAMOUS

The meteoric rise of THE NAKED AND FAMOUS has been the biggest story in New Zealand music in 2010. The group had already won over alternative radio ears in their home country with two EPs where a home studio full of industrial strength electronica ideas underpinned some of the most melodic dream pop concocted down under, before they unleashed single Young Blood in May. But were they ready for that song to go straight into the NZ charts at number one, hook them up with NY indie label and blog Neon Gold, hit playlists from Triple J to London’s XFM, win them the prestigious APRA Silver Scroll and make them one of the hottest unsigned properties in the world? Probably not. But their self-produced album, Passive Me Aggressive You, has since appeared and garnered even more praise. Nudity? Not in public. Fame? Most definitely around the corner for these five kids from Auckland. (ALL SHOWS)

OPERATOR PLEASE

Returning to the BIG DAY OUT national tour for their second time OPERATOR PLEASE are well and truly back. This time though, take everything you think you know about OPERATOR PLEASE and put it aside. The Queensland-based band defy all expectations on their second album, Gloves, with the youthful enthusiasm and teenage angst that gave them worldwide recognition making way for a more sophisticated and developed sound. After spending the last few years touring the globe the band bring their pop anthems along for the ride and are set to rock BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

CHILDREN COLLIDE

CHILDREN COLLIDE arrive for BIG DAY OUT 2011 on the back of their powerful new album Theory for Everything. Vocalist and guitarist Johnny Mackay says "Alchemy and chemistry, reason and religion, love and logic. Art and music are so often about tying opposing forces together into a contentious dualism. Contradiction is a big part of what we do." CHILDREN COLLIDE are here. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

GYPSY & THE CAT

There is no gypsy and there is no cat, but there is a GYPSY & THE CAT, an electronic duo who, instead of pumping out house beats and booty-quaking bass lines, pen gorgeous mini epics of forlorn beauty and elegiac romanticism that, you can just tell, are about heartache and solitude, past girlfriends and future loss. Their brand new album Gilgamesh is set for release this summer. In the meantime the lead single Time to Wander has been described as “…dreamy, epic and luscious soft rock, just in time to soundtrack the Summer. Bam” (The Brag). GYPSY & THE CAT bring their summer soundtrack to BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

WILL STYLES

WILL STYLES first discovered “The Rave” when he was 16. At the end of the night he was moshing on the dance floor with his Skid Row t-shirt and torn jeans, whirling 2 flannies above his head, yelling along to Speed Racer. He was hooked. He’s always tried (often spectacularly badly) to play rave in FunkTrust sets, but after taking awhile he’s finally playing rave music every week: like a shitty Nicholas Sparks novel-turned-movie, he’s been re-united with his first love. Will has hosted Radio FunkTrust on Triple J since 2006. Every Friday night you can tune in to him playing super-sweet new records and making fart jokes. WILL STYLES is joined for the BIG DAY OUT shows by MC HAYLEY BOA. She used to sing in one of The Wiggles shows and was reprimanded for incorrectly miming the actions during the Eat a Banana song. Instead of peeling it, she was (quite innocently) fellating the banana to tens of thousands of small children. No one has been able to convince her to re-enact her banana antics on stage yet, but we’re hoping it happens at BIG DAY OUT in 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

LOWRIDER

Bigger. Brighter. Bolder: Just three words to nail the irresistible sound of hot Adelaide quartet LOWRIDER’s sophomore album, Round the World. LOWRIDER have taken their unique blend of soul and funk to the world, forging a reputation along the way as one of the most mesmerising live acts around. Get soulful, get funky, get LOWRIDER on the menu this summer at BIG DAY OUT 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

SAMPOLOGY

SAMPOLOGY is a DJ. And we’re not talking your steak and three vegie solid club set here. He’s a highly accomplished technician on the 1s and 2s, (and sometime 3s) cutting his teeth in the early days as turntablist for a number of live bands including Soma Rasa and the Vinyl Slingers, which saw him first doing BIG DAY OUT at the tender young age of 17. He’s also one of the most consistently brilliant and versatile club Djs who’s not shy of mixing up his styles to suit the show. One week you might find him creating mash-up mayhem in intimate clubs by changing the vibe of the room to some kind of ridiculously wicked house party. The next week you’ll stumble into a bass bin laden club night to find him delivering a fast paced performance, skilfully bringing together endless forms of club music at countless tempos. And he’s bringing the whole swag to BIG DAY OUT in 2011. In the words of Peaches: “Sampology makes me wanna break dance.” We couldn’t have summed up SAMPOLOGY the DJ better ourselves. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

KIDS OF 88

Jordan and Sam were born in 1988. In 2009, they were the toast of the music world with the chart conquering disco sleaze of their platinum selling debut single My House. They followed up with a string of throbbing electro anthems culminating in the release of the insanely catchy, wildly electric journey of 21st century dance pop discovery that is their 2010 debut album Sugarpills. As their recordings and remixes have been filling club dance floors, KIDS OF 88 have since smashed their way around New Zealand and Australia, lighting up clubs and sharing the stage with everyone from the Passion Pit and Scissor Sisters to Cassette Kids while ducking back to their home studio to remix stars like Ke$ha and Cobra Starship. (ALL SHOWS)

KID KENOBI AND MC SHURESHOCK

At the turn of the decade, KID KENOBI AND MC SHURESHOCK first joined forces and by the middle of the 2000s, they were recognized as Australia’s premier MC-DJ tandems, having completed sell-out tours of the UK, USA, Canada, Brazil, China, Switzerland, New Zealand and Singapore. Celebrating a decade of working together since the turn of the millennium, KID KENOBI & MC SHURESHOCK will release their debut EP TEN” on 10.10.10 supported by a very special TEN tour incorporating a retrospective 2000-2010 performance across a whopping 23 dates nationally, and culminating with BIG DAY OUT across Australia in early 2011. (ALL AUSTRALIAN SHOWS)

Posted by Troy Constable Photography™ on 2011-01-27 09:36:50

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[revelation1211-blog]

The Sin of Immorality

Purity of mind, conscience, and body is a tremendous personal asset. While this alone is not godliness, it is a Christian virtue and a blessing to mankind. The declining moral values of today are allowing men and women to accept and indulge in behavior that the Bible clearly defines as sin. This behavior has become an accepted way of life for many people. That which God calls sin is often no longer called sin. What will be the result?

Television, movies, and much literature are filled with violence, sex, and other immoral practices. This evil influence is brought into the home for entertainment. The minds of men, women, and children are filled with lustful thoughts and desires. It is sad that this evil environment is even found in the homes of some professing christians today.

God's Word tells us that " evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, decieving and being decieved" (2 Timothy 3:13). "This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection...despisers of those that are good...lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God" (2 Timothy 3:1-4).

" The heart is decietful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" ( Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus told his disciples in words that we can understand and apply to our lives, " For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, " (Matthew 15:19).

" For as he [man or woman] thinketh in his heart, so is he" ( proverbs 23:7). Again Jesus says in the Holy Scriptures, "Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

Men and women are seeking a life of pleasure and are going to all means to satisfy their lust. They are enjoying today and not worrying about tomorrow, unconcerned about giving an account of their deeds on the judgement day when all must stand before God. Some of the pleasures which are indulged in today are drink, drugs, and sex. Men and women go to parties and dances to relax and enjoy themselves. There every passion can be aroused with very little or no control. They often indulge in drink and drugs which Rob them of their resonable sense. Satan is in control.

" Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and Whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise" ( proverbs 20:1). " The theif cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill and to destroy" (John 10:10).

Because of these indulgences, homes are broken, and innocent children are left without father or mother. Sometimes the resulting hatred is so great that it ends in murder. " The way of transgressors is hard" ( proverbs 13:15). In Galatians 5:19-21 we read that the works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, hatred, murders, drunkenness; and that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

It is accepted in many cultures to have a boy or girlfriend and start dating at a young age. This often is supported by the parents who think this will help their child be more accepted and included in the popular crowd. The young people soon become too familiar with each other. Much time is spent in dating and partying, which often leads to petting and sex. The reasoning might be that others are doing it. " But every man [ boy or girl] is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then when lust hath concieved, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death" (James 1:14-15).

Many times young people do not consider the consequences of these sins. They think they can escape the penalty of sin, but no one is a match for Satan. Young men violate young women and the sacredness of procreation is lost. Concienses are defiled and purity is lost. Innocence is destroyed. The pure beginning that enhances intimacy in marriage is compromised.

Often times the girl finds herself pregnant. This results in shame, guilt, confusion, and the prospect of the responsibility of caring for a child. Often the mother resorts to an abortion. A life is destroyed, which adds still more sin and guilt to her heart. Otherwise, young people become parents at a premature age. The enjoyable years of youth are spoiled, the young girls friends forsake her, parents and family are dissapointed- all because of a little sinful enjoyement. These are the wages of sin. " The wages of sin is death" ( Romans 6:23)

Marriage is honorable and a blessing to those who follow the plan of God. God intended men and women to be happy and enjoy the marriage union. " Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled" ( Hebrews 13:4).

A couple in love with each other may plan to marry, but to live together as husband and wife without being properly married is sin in the eyes of God.

God spoke against homosexual practices. Through Moses he said, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination" (Leviticus 18:22). When one allows sexual lusts to dominate his thoughts, he will sometimes resort to deviant practices in order to satisfy his unrestrained passions.

Homosexuals no longer are ashamed of their immoral conduct. They have come out in the open and want to be accepted by society. Homosexuality is often excused because of inherited characteristics, however, personal accountability must be accepted.

" For Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people" ( Leviticus 18:29). In regards to these sins, Romans 1:32 reads, " Who knowing the judgement of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death"

Some serious diseases in the human race are the result of immoral conduct. The dreaded AIDS and other venereal diseases are common. Needless suffering and death have ensued because of these diseases. Those who defy the laws of God will endure the consequences of such disobediences.

"Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God" ( Matthew 5:8). The word chastity means to be sexually pure, not indulging in sexual relations outside of marriage ( fornication), not engaging in immoral practices. To be chaste is a command of God given to Moses for his people. " Thou shalt not commit Adultery" (Exodus 20:14).

Jesus says, " Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another committeth adultery: and Whosoever marrieth her that is put away committeth adultery: and Whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery" ( Luke 16:18).

Sexual sin is a great distraction to a person in his work causing him to deviate from his worthy goals or to neglect his duties. His family is neglected, which results in an unhappy home. Guilt from such sins often causes emotional distress. On the other hand, the rewards of pure living are great. A morally pure person can have peace of mind and freedom from fear, whereas the impure can have no part in the kingdom of God.

"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God?" ( 1 Corinthians 6:9).

The Spirit of God will reprove an individual of sin and will lead him to repentance. An immoral life can be changed and the sins forgiven if ones repentance is sincere. The first step is to recognize the sin and it's seriousness in the eyes of God, without an attempt to justify one's self. Then one must come to God with humility, acknowledging his guilt with heartfelt sorrow, pleading for forgiveness and asking for Grace to make restitution and forsake sin.

Jesus says,

" Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden [ with sin ], and I will give you rest" ( Matthew 11:28). " Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" ( Isaiah 1:18).

" The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be if a contrite spirit " ( Psalm 34:18).

Let us turn from our evil ways and call unto the Lord while there is still time.

Do you desire a relationship with God?

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Visit peacewithgod.net

[amazingcharrozcaldos-blog]

I’m more of the trying out new experience over material gifts kind of girl so I make it a point every now and then to sort of plan activities para di naman kame magkasawaan sa pagmumuka at sa everyday routine of going to work, then home, then work again type of thing. Also when I say plan, it’s not the weeks or months before paandar. Lahat yan nangyayayri within days. Except for activities na kelangan talaga i-book ahead.

So the weekend before Christmas, I was trying to come up with something to do. Since I still haven’t used my voucher sa Aqua Shard, I figured why not use it that time before it even expires next year. (P.S. Thanks to my generous friends dahil gift nila ito from my last birthday). So ayan na nga, nagbook na si ate niyo. The thing is, it’s December so expected ko na na most likely fully booked na sila. Tapos ang napili ko pa is December 23 na dinner edi ayun, ipinaubaya ko nalang ke batman. I left all my details anyway so the lady I spoke to said they’ll just ring me. Eh tumawag bigla. Tapos may available table for 2. And then they asked for my card details over the phone. Binigay ko naman. After the convo, narealise ko nalang na shet, baka di pala talaga taga Shard yung tumawag tapos todo bigay ako ng details ko. Feeling ko na-goyo ako dun. So after that call, mega bantay ako sa bank account, making sure na di fraud yung ganap. Teka wait nawala nako sa chika! Bottomline, legit yung nakausap ko and confirmed na yung reservation.

A day before the dinner, nagiisip ako ng mga pwede pang gawin para di naman sayang yung effort and pamasahe sa pagpunta ng Centrale. I ended up looking for west end tickets thru TodayTix and LastMinute (you can download the app mga beh). I wanted so bad to watch Hamilton which I know naman na wala dun, umasa lang ako. Next on my list were Les Mis, Phantom, Lion King or Wicked pero parang di siya pasok sa budget. So I tried to look within the price range of £20 hahahaha (andaming sinabing play bente lang pala ang budget) and luckily, I found something worth £18.50 – An American in Paris so avail agad agad! Chineck ko nalang yung reviews after and maganda naman siya, and the show’s already ending early next year so pasok na sa banga. My housemate Mike, also has his parents here so niyaya ko narin since mura yung tickets and para ma-try din ng parentals.

I just realised halfway through na parang may movie version pala ito. Surprisingly din, I knew some of the songs which I hear oftentimes sa playlist ng kasama kong Tita sa work hahaha. It was a love story. Love triangle ang peg. There were a good number of lines pero for the most part, they were dancing. I enjoyed naman but honestly there were those patay moments and I even took a power nap in between kasi sobrang haba ng ng dance numbers.

 After they show, we went straight to The Shard. I have to admit I was a bit excited kasi I’m finally gonna go inside di ba. Dati pinagmamasdan ko lang how it looks so modern and majestic from afar. The security going inside was a bit more strict- may pa bag scan paandar din sila which, same when you go to the Walkie Talkie at Fenchurch St. We were greeted by this view after the x-ray bag scan.

They have a couple of restaurants in the building. The one we booked was Aqua Shard, which offers British cuisine- meaning walang pa-kanin si Mayor. hahahha. Magrereklamo pa ba ako eh pa-birthday ito sakin ng mga Tita. It is situated on th 31st floor so expected na that the view will be awesome.

I don’t know if it’s me or I just thought the lighting was a bit off, parang too dark for me. Cause when I went to the loo, parang naligaw ako beh. Maybe it sets a more romantic mood but I send disaster cause I’m too clumsy I might bump into anything that could easily break. I loved the ladie’s room though! Gusto ko ng pa-view. Yung maghuhugas ka ng kamay tapos mapapatingin ka sa view, tapos may mga alaala nalang na biglang magfflashback, tapos maiiyak ka nalang. Chaaaaarooot!

When it came to ordering, we didn’t bother getting any appetisers. Ang MAHAL! We went straight for the main meals (na mahal din). My EX, (nakalimutan ko nang i-bring up tuloy si EX, hahaha, my ex-jowa, ordered stake and I got pork belly chuchu churnaloo. Take note, for those alone parang said na agad yung voucher ko. Basically, we agreed na we’ll mag tap water nalang kame para wala ng babayaran.

Eto yung picture habang umoorder. Ngiting ‘t*ngina ang mahal‘ tapos emote na ‘t*ngina alin dito yung pinakamura, yun ang oorderin ko

While waiting for our order, ayan antay antay muna. I realised later na if any of you reading this would be interested to splurge money and eat here, upon booking, indicate na you want the window seat. Para mas avail ang view. 

They offered complimentary bread and butter while waiting for the order. In all fairness, nilantakan namin yun. Kaya nga hindi na nakapag picture eh. Ang sarap nung butter nila, sooo creamy. Yun narin yung naging pinaka appetiser namin.

After a few minutes, jaraaaaaaaan!

See ang dilim dba?

Let’s try another view. Ayaaan Mas maayos

I’m not a foodie pero I think for the price, I could get a better deal eating at Big Easy or small diners around London. Mas masarap pa magluto yung asawa ko. Di ako satisfied but, I’m glad we tried it. I know for sure na we won’t come back, unless may manlilibre samin. If you want sulit food, I would not recommend coming here. If you want great ambiance, fancy dinner date at di naman masyadong lamon ang habol, go. Buhay nyo yan eh!

Why don’t we try the wine? (Looks at the menu) Wag na pala beh.

Okay. We did try some of their drinks na presyong ginto. Again, not worth it. Nagsisi ako.

We ended upeating again pag uwi sa balur. Adobo + rice is life parin. Iced coke is lifer. Pero overall, it was a good experience at least may naikwento nanaman ako dba? I’ll try to be more masipag next time mag chika. Andami kong mga charozcaldos na kakaiba. Abang abang lang mga pans. hahahaha. Taaaaa!

    Holidate with my EX I'm more of the trying out new experience over material gifts kind of girl so I make it a point every now and then to sort of plan activities para di naman kame magkasawaan sa pagmumuka at sa everyday routine of going to work, then home, then work again type of thing.