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pennylanefics · 4 years

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Soft Alphabet - Matt

a/n: here’s a new fic outline i first did with zapata :) i’ll be doing a few of these in the coming weeks, so pls don’t ask if i will be :) also i shut my laptop off before transferring this, so i can’t add a ‘keep reading’ link at the moment

•••

A - Affection (how do they show affection)

matt shows his affection through song. he’s not one for words, and sometimes finds it hard to express his feelings. instead, he’ll write a love song, detailing his love and adoration for you. he would record it exclusively, with just his voice and his guitar, and he would play it for you, and only you.

B - Balance (how do they balance you, work/school/life?)

he sees you all the time, basically. there is no balance. matt would rather spend time with you than his dad anyways, and when he’s with you, he’ll do schoolwork, which you make him do. the only time he doesn’t see you is when he’s working or with his bandmates.

C - Cuddles (do they enjoy cuddling? what positions?)

even if he doesn’t admit it, he loves to cuddle. it’s what calms him down after a long day of work and dealing with his dad. he’ll come home to find you in his room, the same place he told you to wait until he got home. he plops onto the bed and cuddles up to you, nuzzling his face into your neck and closing his eyes. you thread your fingers through his hair and comfort him as he rants about his shift, complaining about customers, his dad, letting out all of his thoughts.

D - Date (what was your first date?)

your first date is to a small concert in the park event. a few local bands were playing, excluding matt and his band, but he wanted to take you to a low key event. since you both bonded over music, he decided this would be the best option. so while the bands played in the background, you two chat and eat street food, even cuddling while the watching the bands. and because he’s matt and all, he kisses you sweetly at the end of the date, as he’s dropping you off at your place.

E - Excited (how excited do they get when they see you/are with you?)

matt tries to play it cool when he sees you, if he’s around people. like if you come to one of his band’s gig, he’ll coolly stride over to you and greet you. he doesn’t want people knowing that he’s a total softie for you because he will never hear the end of it from his friends if they do. but if you show up at his house alone, he has a huge smile on his face and is pulling you into his arms within a second.

F - Fighting (what happens when you fight)

your fights can get pretty bad sometimes. matt has a temper, so when he gets mad, he’s mad. you usually try to reason with him and keep him calm, but that doesn’t work all the time. he will blow up and say things he doesn’t even mean. you or him will either storm off to give each other some time to cool down before talking things out.

G - Gorgeous (pet names. what do they like to call you? what do they like to be called?)

basically any name in the book, matt likes to call you. baby, love, darling, sweetheart, gorgeous, beautiful. any name he can think of. and even though he doesn’t admit it, he enjoys the pet names you call him as well, including babe, lover, honey. he loves them so much and smiles and blushes every time you call him one when you are alone.

H - Hi (first time meeting)

you two first meet at the record store. you work there every weekend just to make some money, and one day, matt comes in looking for a specific album. he is in the store for a good fifteen minutes trying to look for it on his own, but he struggles. so, you walk over to him and ask if he needs help. he shyly admits that he does and tells you what he’s looking for. you then guide him over to the section and grab the album. he’s a bit embarrassed, but is happy that he finally got it. you quickly check him out, and that’s when he asks you if you’d like to go out sometime for lunch or dinner.

I - Insecure (what they do when you’re feeling insecure/vice versa)

matt doesn’t get insecure often, since he’s pretty confident and happy with himself. when he does, though, you are there to reassure him that he’s perfect to you. when you’re down, he tries his hardest to cheer you up with humor. he will pull funny faces, tell awful jokes, trying to get you to smile. when you finally do, he turns serious and gives you a long explanation of what he loves about you and how amazing he thinks you are. he’ll also give you many kisses until you feel better.

J - Jealousy (do they get jealous? how do they react to you being jealous)

surprisingly, matt gets insanely jealous. he knows that you would never cheat on him, but the idea of another guy flirting with you, looking you up and down at a party, or even just talking to you, makes him jealous. he doesn’t want any other guy flirting with you or even staring at you the way he does.

K - Kisses (where do they like to kiss you/how often?)

he kisses you whenever he has the chance to. when you come to visit him at work, he’ll take a little break and just kiss you, eventually getting told off by his dad. he also loves to make out, whenever. if you two are hanging out and he’s bored, he’ll just start kissing you, leading to a small, or big, makeout session, which can lead to more. he just loves having his lips on yours, it’s like an addiction.

L - Love (when was the first time they said i love you or realized it?)

it’s a little while until he says it. he’s not used to being in real, long relationships that aren’t just flings or friends with benefits, so it’s unusual and new for him. but, around six months or so, he can’t help but feel so strongly for you, so much so that he goes to his bandmates for help on what to do. he takes you to the hill that him and javed used to go to and just lays there with you, and that’s when he says it. he’s scared that you won’t feel the same, but thankfully, you say it back, making matt sigh out in relief.

M- Moving in (when do you decide to move in together)

matt gets so fed up with his father, he decides to move away from luton and find an apartment in the city, or close by, whatever he can find. when he tells you this, you’re of course upset that he won’t be around much anymore. but an idea suddenly pops into his head, and he asks if you want to move in with him. you are of course taken aback, as you’ve only been dating for about seven or eight months, but say yes anyways.

N - Newborn (their reaction to starting a family)

he has always been careful when it comes to sex. you two are still young, in your early twenties, and neither of you are ready to be parents just yet. but accidents can happen. you find out you’re pregnant shortly after your twenty-second birthday, which is when you and matt forgot a condom. when you tell him, he’s of course nervous and whatnot. but when your baby finally arrives, matt is full on ready to be a dad.

O - Open (how open you are with one another)

it’s a bit of a struggle getting matt to open up to you in the beginning of your relationship. he’s only used to quick flings or short relationships, so he’s never really used to being open in the first place. but as your relationship progressed, you sort of begged him to open up, since you felt like you still knew barely nothing about him. thankfully, he agreed and you two spent the entire night, cuddled up with one another, chatting about everything from your fears, where you see yourself in the future, everything.

P - Panic (how you calm them down when they’re scared/anxious/angry)

matt will just hold you close to him, whispering in your ear, running his hand through your hair, and gently sway you side to side to help calm you down. he can tell when a panic attack is coming on, so he is quick to pull you into him so that you are comforted the entire time. whenever you’re okay, he’ll give you a long, passionate kiss that takes your mind off of everything for a few seconds. when matt needs the comfort, you will play with his hair and allow him to cuddle up against you, or be the big spoon and just hold him. he loves the feeling of your arms around him and your hands in his hair. it always calms him down within seconds.

Q - Question (what you do when they come to you for help)

matt usually tends to try and solve problems on his own, but you always help him. he usually doesn’t make the best decisions, so that’s when you step in and offer your own thoughts, making sure whatever he plans on doing isn’t illegal or dangerous.

R - Recovery (how they/you help them after an injury)

since he’s a pretty reckless musician, he gets injured quite a lot at gigs. one time, he tried to crowd surf and the crowd wasn’t exactly ready or expecting it, so he fell straight to the ground, landing on his wrist. it ended up being a fracture, so he was out of the band for a few months while it healed. you took care of him the entire time; you even helped him shower, which included a few cheeky comments from matt.

S - Solution (how they resolve fights)

matt takes a day or two for himself to let the fight settle down before bringing it back up again. he figures two days or so is enough for it to simmer out. he comes to you, if the fight is his fault, and you two sit and talk everything out in a rational way. once things are resolved, you two cuddle to make up for the time that you were away from one another.

T- Touch (when they need/want your touch, what will they do? how often?)

he usually needs it when he’s upset or angry. you know his relationship with his dad, so whenever he comes to you after a fight or a disagreement, you know what to do. you’ll sit with him on the couch or your bed and hold his hands, running your fingers over the backs of them and over his palms.

U - Up ( waking up with them)

matt just loves cuddling in bed for as long as you can. if it was possible, he would spend all day there with you. but that’s usually not the case. you always stay with him the night before he has to work, and when he comes home, just to take his mind off his dad. in the morning, he never wants to leave your side and will give you kisses and hold you close to him.

V - Vacation (where they travel with you)

he takes you on a trip around europe during the summer for your year anniversary. from italy, to greece, france, germany, spain, anywhere you two can go. he loves spending time with you in fancy yet cheap hotels and houses, watching the beautiful sunsets with you from the balconies and touring around each city.

W - Wedding (how they propose, where you get married, honeymoon)

matt proposes at one of his gigs. he pulls you up on stage right before he sings their love song, gives a little speech, then proposes. the wedding is small, just your family and a few friends because matt wasn’t one for huge, extravagant events (unlike his parties), he wanted a tight-knit ceremony and reception. for the honeymoon, he takes you to ibiza, since his first time there was really fun and he wants to experience it with you

X - X-factor (what about you captivated them?)

your looks. let’s be real, i feel like matt goes for people based on looks more than anything. so the first thing he noticed about you was how beautiful you are. he was captivated the moment he saw you and wanted nothing more than to have a chat with you and get to know you more.

Y - Yawning (how they act when they’re tired)

matt is grumpy when he’s tired. he complains, he groans, he’s kind of awful to be around, really. but you put up with it because he looks so damn adorable when he is. he acts like this big, tough guy, but he looks like a soft teddy bear.

Z - Zzzz (how you fall asleep together)

he likes his space sometimes, so he usually falls asleep with his back towards you, or facing you. but he always has a hand on you, whether that’s in your hand, on your waist, or in your hair. other times, he enjoys a cuddle and holds you against his chest, his arm around your waist or under your shirt, on your bare back.

#matt #matt imagines #matt x reader #blinded by the light #matt blinded by the light #dean charles chapman imagine #dean charles chapman x reader #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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traumahound · 4 years

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[INTERVIEW] A CASUAL CHAT WITH JONATHAN JACQUES-BELLETÊTE

The art director for Deus Ex: Human Revolution shares insight on cyberpunk and texturing furniture. Originally published April 1, 2011 on Totalplaystation.com

In early March, PAX East attendees were given a live gameplay demonstration of Deus Ex: Human Revolution by Eidos Montreal personnel, including Game Director Jean-François Dugas, Art Director Jonathan Jacques-Belletête, and Community Manager Kyle Stallock. The demonstration consisted of around 20 minutes of an early level in which the protagonist, Adam Jensen, infiltrated a warehouse using a combination of stealth, computer hacking, sharp implements, and bullets. Following the demonstration, I had the opportunity to sit down with J.J.B. and ask a few questions.

Though footage of the demonstration is not officially available, there is a walkthrough of the same portion of the game floating around on YouTube.

So, Deus Ex: Human Revolution. First of all, tell me what you do.

I’m the art director, so I’m trying to make it look pretty.

All right—

Really hard.

Managing a lot of people?

Yeah, I am managing a lot of people, definitely. I mean, there’s a structure. There are artists; there are leads on everything that have their units and whatnot. Overall, we must have close to 60 artists on this game, not counting outsourcing; we’ve had some people doing concept art and modeling outside, but in the studio, we must have a good 60 artists.

Speaking of outsourcing, the pre-rendered cutscenes are, I assume, done by another—

Yeah, all the trailers—in the game, it’s all in-game cutscenes, but the marketing stuff, all the big CGI, the E3 trailer, the extended trailer that you guys saw, that was all done by Visual Works, which is the cinematics department at Square Enix. You can’t ask for better than this. It’s like, “What!?” It’s so weird: one day, you wake up and suddenly your company is owned by Square Enix, and then two months later, you learn that you’re going to work with them on a trailer.

Is it a little intimidating knowing that now people have that in their minds, the look in those trailers, and now you have to sort of, in real-time, try to meet those expectations in the game?

Totally a legitimate question, and you’re absolutely right, but the way that it happened is that we had already set the style of the game’s visuals before we did those CGI trailers. At the same time, as an art director, I’m highly influenced by—I love anime and Japanese video games; we concede, and I say openly that there’s a strong Metal Gear influence on the game, and stuff like that. When Square Enix took our material to do the trailer, it was like we already spoke the same language. The way that I treat the textures in the game, there is no photographic material, just like the Japanese also almost never do that. Everything is done by hand or procedurally, so everything already seemed well-prepared for them to deal with it. So, yeah, you watch the trailers, and then you watch the in-game, and obviously there’s a huge gap, but it still seems to be a part of the same style; the aesthetic essence is exactly the same. I’m actually quite proud of that, really.

How did you arrive at the game’s particular style? It has a unique look: the color palette, I notice a lot of hexagons—

A lot of triangles.

Did you go through other styles on the way to find what you ended up with?

Yes and no. I knew straight from the get-go that I wanted to have a stylized game, that I wanted to have something that has its own signature. As an art director, I’m not into photorealism; it’s really not something that interests me all that much, because I find that credibility—photorealism and credibility are two different things. You can have a game where they put all their efforts into trying to make it photorealistic, but the game doesn’t feel credible at all. I’m not even talking about the “uncanny valley,” I don’t want to get into that, but the credibility of the game itself is not even there. You can have a Disney Movie, like The Beauty and the Beast, where you have a teapot and a cup talking to one another, and it’s totally credible, right? So there’s something there: why is it that when we strive for photorealism it doesn’t work, and something as low-fi as that works? So, anyway, let’s just say that I knew that I wanted to go stylized; I knew that I wanted a specific signature, and now, the hard thing was to figure out what that recipe would be. I knew that I wanted low—not low intensity, but (what is it, fuck,) often I find that in games, textures are too noisy, there’s just too much shit everywhere.

Right, as we gain the technology to add more and more detail to everything—

Right, it becomes a fest of just “pile some more stuff.”

—bump-mapping and making everything gritty.

[Points to nearby black leather couch four feet away.] If I just look at that couch from here, I don’t see texture in that couch. If I get closer I’ll see it, but not from here. In games, a lot of the Unreal 3 Engine games, from here it would look like it was grated or something, so that’s what I wanted to get away from. It looks maybe slicker, in that sense, but then we have fairly advanced shaders, so when you get close to an object, it’ll have really precise detail still. Yeah, the hard thing was mostly to figure out what the recipe was.

Is it intimidating at all working on this franchise? We’ve already seen what happens when someone makes a sequel to Deus Ex and it doesn’t meet expectations. Fans are going to hold it to a very high standard, maybe unrealistically high. If you go back and play Deus Ex now—

They almost have a distorted memory of it, yes.

It was kind of weird, because we also had to start a studio at the same time. Most of the early people, we all came from Ubisoft Montreal, and there were two things: to do a new Deus Ex, and it was also to put the studio together. We were renting offices, at first; we had nothing, barely any equipment, there was no team, the technology wasn’t chosen yet, there was no art bank. You know, for example, when we were at Ubisoft, we start a new project and for the first six months, just to get your thing going, you’ll be taking stuff from other games.

Like for placeholders?

Right, and we had no such things—I don’t know, maybe somehow because of that, it dampened the fear we should have had from having to make a new Deus Ex, you know what I mean?

Because you had so much stuff to deal with, you just had to get to work.

There we go, I couldn’t have said it better. Obviously, we knew how big it was, and we were all big fans ourselves. We knew about the pedigree, we knew about the fans, but we had to do it; we wanted to do it; it’s kind of like this make or break thing. You know, it’s the studio’s first game... maybe it wasn’t such a good idea! No no no, it was a great idea to attract people, actually. We just jumped in head-first, and put all of our eggs in the same basket. I think it’s looking alright; it’s not up to me to say how good it is.

The original game has some celebrity developers attached to it: Harvey Smith, Warren Spector; have they seen the game that you know of? Did you get any reactions from them?

Yeah, Harvey hasn’t seen it, but Warren has seen it, and he likes what he saw. I don’t want to hype it too much or under-hype it, because I don’t want to get into trouble, but I will say that he liked it.

This is kind of a small thing, but can you talk about the “item glint” system that you’re using? [The walkthrough demonstrated a yellow outlining effect to highlight interactive objects.] It seems like it would be hard to find a balance between making it obvious what you can interact with and avoiding something overly obtrusive.

It’s not so bad. One of my main art direction pillars was clutter. I wanted to have lots of props, lots of shit piled on top of everything. We realized was that, going through playtesting, it was a little confusing. That’s when we decided to go with that outline stuff, and like J.F. was explaining in the questions, I think it’s properly managed. It’s not like you open the door to a big room and everything lights up; you need to get into a proper distance, and there’s a rather small threshold in which it becomes highlighted, and it disappears as soon as you move away. Some people, it might not be their cup of tea, but in today’s market, if you make it too subtle, some people will just get discouraged. It has to be accessible.

Hey, you’re an augmented guy with crazy vision implants, so—

That’s our rationale behind it.

Speaking of which, cyberpunk as a genre has kind of fallen out of fashion, with the Internet becoming a mundane, everyday thing—

My feeling is that cyberpunk is what we live today.

How do you try to make it feel relevant today?

The way that we thought about it starting mostly, for me—we asked ourselves the question as artists: can we reproduce the visuals of Blade Runner on today’s consoles? The answer would probably be yes. But then, what would it say about the studio’s capacity for creativity? So, we wanted to bring something new. As you say, it’s not that fashionable; it’s kind of dormant, so that’s when this whole idea of the cyber-renaissance thing, which is not something that you saw much of in today’s demo, but it’s such a big game with so many areas that sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t, sometimes it’s omnipresent. That’s part of the idea to bring back cyberpunk, but with a twist to it.

The other thing is, when we started the first focus group for the game, kind of early on, maybe within the first year, testing out the early ideas and everything, we realized that here in the States, and in Europe, because we tested in both continents: kids nowadays? They don’t even know what cyberpunk is. Really, we could not believe it. You never would have thought, if you take a random chunk of 20 kids who all play games—even the hardcore ones—they’re like “Cyberwhat?” We thought, we cannot use that word! Nobody knows what it is. And, you know, we’re using it, but it really was a huge eye-opener for us.

[Gesturing to J.J.B.’s prominent tattoos] I can see that you’re a fan of Warhammer, you know, tabletop games. Have you played roleplaying games at all?

I played when I was younger.

Ever play Cyberpunk 2020?

The only roleplaying game I really played was Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay.

An awesome game; lots of limbs getting chopped off.

Lots of limbs getting chopped off, yeah, inverting those numbers [a reference to the operation of the critical hit tables]. Yeah, as someone who was creative and wanting to make games, I would buy tons of roleplaying rulebooks, just to read them, and so I had all the Cyberpunk and all those things, and it was the same thing for Warhammer. Warhammer 40,000 is probably my most favorite universe ever, but I own all the rulebooks and all the codices, and I’ve never played the game. Never fucking played the game. I’ve painted the figurines. I haven’t painted in, maybe, six or seven years, because I just don’t have time, but I got to a really high level, where maybe I could start doing those competitions, like the Golden Daemon and shit, but then I just started running out of time. So, I got really into painting the figurines, really into the universe, to the point that—these tattoos are old; I was eighteen when I got them, but still, my passion for that universe hasn’t gone away ever. It’s just kind of weird that I’ve never played the game.

I have a bunch of miniatures, I’ve painted a lot, and I have a ton of the books, and I’ve never played it—

I have all the novels, all the rulebooks, and I love reading them, love the computer games. Alright, cool man, you’re like the first guy I’ve ever met who’s like me. I love to get into that universe, but I don’t really feel like playing the game that much.

Tell me about designing Adam Jensen.

It was tough. It was rough. It took a good two years to nail him down. We kinda knew the overarching design straight from the beginning. We wanted, obviously, not a big brute, there are enough of those in this cycle of consoles. We wanted him to have hair.

You’re crazy. Nobody is going to buy that.

There was this sentence that we coined at the beginning: “He can kick your ass, then he goes home and reads a good book.” We had this idea of, you know the French actor, Vincent Cassel?

No.

Have you seen Black Swan?

No.

He’s French, but he does a lot of movies here. Anyway, he’s a regular build, but there’s just something about his face, about his attitude. You think, “I would never fuck with that guy.” It’s just something that he emanates. And that’s kinda what we wanted. But, because we wanted the mechanical augmentations to be at the forefront of the game and of the visuals—that’s why often you see Adam from third-person, so you can see his arms—J.F. wanted his arms to be visible at all times. And, you know, he’s the creative director, so he’s my boss, but also, we wanted him to look like an agent who could be sent behind enemy lines, and at the same time walk into a high-end restaurant to interrogate someone.

It was a really hard equation to solve: he has to look like Solid Snake, and he has to look like James Bond, and you need to see his mechanical arms all at the same time. So we gave him a vest, and he looked like a douchebag all the time, like a biker or something. Every one of my concept artists had a go at it, where they would pool their energy to try to improve him, and it never quite worked. One day, Jim Murray, one of my concept artists, approached me, and—as simple as it sounds—says, “Let’s just make him two outfits.” One is kind of his battle gear, where you see his arms, and one is kind of his urban gear, because such a big part of the game is being in the city hubs, investigating and talking to people, going into rich places, inserting yourself into an apartment or whatever, and that’s when he’s gonna have his cyberpunky trench coat, and you’re not going to see his arms.

Again, as simple as it sounds, like holy shit. But then, we still had to run it by J.F. and the writer. Often, people don’t realize how a simple choice can be very complex to implement in the game, so we had a few meetings about it, and we decided to go with it. After that, within two months, Jim had nailed them; we had the jacket, which I loved. Also, the challenge was that when he has the jacket, he still has to be able to use the same augmentations. So, he has the claymore, the typhoon, where all those beads eject from his arms, so how do you do this when you have a jacket? Or when your blade extends backward? So we designed those slits in his jacket, and he has ports on it that kind of magnetize to the holes on his arms to let go of the beads and everything, so we kind of worked out how it works.

Yeah, so two months later, Adam was born, and the little pointy beard was kind of the Don Quixote thing, kind of the renaissance/baroque thing.

In the Icarus dream sequence in the trailer, you can see that the facial hair works in both settings. [This sequence features Adam surrounded by men in Renaissance-era garb.]

The Icarus thing was such a great find, in the sense that it was such a great metaphor for augmentations, because that’s what happens, right? Daedalus, his dad, gives him the wings so he can escape the maze, basically having wings is augmenting yourself. The feathers are glued with wax, so he says, “Don’t fly too close to the sun, or the wings will melt,” but he has so much fun with the wings that that’s what he does, and then he dies. That’s a bit like what it is with augmentation; if you overdo it, like with anything in life, you might burn yourself. We though it was such a great analogy for that.

Do you personally have a strong opinion on transhumanism?

Strong? Not necessarily, I wouldn’t say strong. I’m not intensely passionate about the pros and cons, but I think it’s inevitable. I think it’s one of those things that we’ll need to have laws, and we’ll need to have ways to control what will happen. There are going to be big mistakes, like with everything. There are mistakes made all the time in medicine, the military makes mistakes all the time, but I think it’s inevitable. If we try to stop it, there will be underground, illegal shit, and stuff like that. I’m quite convinced that in the next, maybe, 40 years, we’ll be immensely transformed. From all the stuff I’ve read, the specialists we’ve met, I think we’re going to see some crazy shit in the next 30 years.

Globe-trotting was a big component of the first Deus Ex; you cover a lot of mileage. Do you do that a lot in this one?

Yes, there’s definitely a lot of variety, yup.

One thing that the first game kind of failed at was giving the impression that you’re in a larger world. The city areas felt a bit constrained. How did you approach that problem?

It’s funny, as the cycles of consoles and technologies evolve, the constraints somehow always remain the same. OK, Grand Theft Auto, it’s immense or whatever; it never seems to end, but, for example, what you do with the NPCs is very limited compared to Deus Ex. Anyway, you add all this stuff that you can do in Deus Ex, and suddenly you don’t have the power to do a city that big, so we had the same constraints. Don’t get me wrong, the city hubs are quite big; many, many streets; tons of alleyways and buildings to get into, sewers to get into, rooftops... all that shit. At the same time—at some point you can’t go further, and you need to find tricks to convey that there’s a sprawling city around you, and why that path is blocked when it seems like it should be open. It’s a very common game design problem.

I remember on Splinter Cell at Ubisoft, it was the same thing. “This street is blocked, why?” And I would be, like, “Maybe some guy is moving out,” so there’s a big truck, and stuff like that blocking the street. It’s very common. But honestly, I think we manage rather well in Deus Ex. And then, there are compounds that you go into, like office buildings and secret laboratories where those limitations aren’t as important anymore, because you are in a confined area, but for the city hubs, I think we get away with it quite well.

A big feature of the game is having multiple approaches to every situation. Is that frustrating, especially being involved in the art side, because there may be significant chunks of the game that a lot of players won’t see?

Frustrating? No. I wouldn’t say it’s frustrating, because, obviously, we try to make the coolest stuff in the critical path. Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean that side-quests or whatever don’t have their own things, but you can manage; you just try to make everything look cool. I don’t know if we succeeded. I have a really hard time saying, “Oh, this doesn’t need to look as cool,” or whatever; I try to put just as much energy into everything.

I guess your question is more—if some people don’t see some of the cool stuff we’ve made... It is going to happen, but to some degree it’s kind of cool. They’ll be talking to their friends and they will have seen it, even if you haven’t, and I think it’s all part of the trip, really. But it’s cool, because I’ve worked at companies before where they never would have allowed us to do that.

It seems like a waste of resources.

Exactly. Some companies are so into every penny you spend, the player has to see it. Which is very rational when you think about it; it makes total sense, but sometimes making a game that gives you a specific feeling, that gives you that flavor so that once you’ve turned off your computer and when you go to bed you’re still thinking about it, it’s also a game that has all these things that are not just thrown in your face like that. But, that is quite expensive to do.

So, I’m guessing you can’t say anything about Thief 4.

No.

I figured.

That would be the death of me. No, it’s gonna rock your socks off; there we go.

Just how awesome is it?

Super awesome. Super-duper awesome.

No, it’s a great team honestly; tons of my friends are there. The art director is a great friend of mine, and uh... I’m not even sure I’m allowed to say that, so I’ll stop there.

It seems like a similarly ambitious sequel to make. Like with Deus Ex, fan expectations are off the charts.

It’s the same thing, exactly. I think it was really... that’s what we wanted to do with that studio. If we open another goddamn studio in that city? We do it strong or we don’t do it.

**In the first game, J.C. Denton is kind of inept in the beginning. It’s surprising that he’s supposed to be this super-spy, but he can barely fire a gun straight. I assume that Adam Jensen is a bit more capable right off the bat. **

Big time, yeah. Also, the shooting is something that right from the get-go, me and J.F. agreed that the shooting skill of Adam Jensen is going to be the player’s shooting skills. In terms of that, it’s a full-fledged first-person shooter. You know the crosshairs there? That’s where the bullet’s gonna go. You can still augment him in some ways to be a better shooter, like for recoil, or stuff like that. All the weapons are fully upgradeable, so that aspect of RPGness is still there, but where you shoot is where you shoot.

I’ll admit that I cheated to max out my skills in Deus Ex and found it a lot more fun that way.

The skills—that system was quite punitive.

You do have an upgrade system in this, where you earn your Praxis Points and unlock augmentations—are those scarce enough that you can’t get every upgrade by the end of the game?

You can’t max everything in a play-through. You can become the jack of all trades if you want, but you won’t be an expert at everything, or you can really invest in a branch.

If somebody specializes very much in, say, stealth, and therefore tends to use that to get through every encounter, do you think that can become monotonous and discourage people from experimenting with the other techniques?

Hmm, that’s a good question. It’s never been asked to me that way, specifically. I hope not. I don’t think it is—the way we’ve designed the challenges is that they’re never molded for one style of gameplay. It’s not like you get to an environment where it’s like, “Here you have to play stealth.” We’ve shown a quick example of that in the demo: if you wouldn’t have been able to disable the turret, there was that passage on the side. Usually most challenges are set up that way, but not as obvious as that; it’s built quite like the first one in that regard.

Are you absolutely sure there are no blue laser swords in the game? [A reference to a question asked during audience Q&A]

As of right now, this time, today: absolutely sure.

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.

It was awesome, man. Great questions, thanks.

#deus ex #deus ex human revolution

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reawakening · 5 years

Text

a face of melting snow

[] or, don’t let the bastards grind you down

i’m not the same. i’ll never be the same again. there’s no hope for that. how do i get going again, now that i am standing still? how do i act like this, speak like that, look like this, sound like that? when i don’t know who or what i am anymore? how can i? after everything? how can it all feel so different?

i’m afraid i’ve lost my way.

i’m already in my grave.

jolyon, what a fantastic death i missed…

it’s done now.

i’m no longer the prince of the reef.

now i am the murderer of cayde-6.

just what i always wanted. to be rid of that goddamn title. prince of the reef. what bullshit. hah, oops, i swore. so what. no, wait, so fucking what. think i care about that now? i’m a murderer, not the prince. that was about as good as a title as riven of a thousand voices. an even bigger load of bullshit, riven of a thousand goddamned voices. wait, what about the taken king? another favourite of mine. ooh, now i am being sarcastic, too. wotcher, i’ll be smoking and downing a pint, maybe having a fuck, too. i’ll be uldren sov, no, uldwyn rees-davies, that nasty boy. that dirty, nasty davies boy. oi, by the way, his name was oryx. goddamn oryx. she started off life as aurash, for fuck’s sake. the god-king, the taken king. get over your-fucking-self.

guess you can’t now. since you’re dead.

since the guardians killed you.

i fucking hate you for that. sure, i hated you already, orry – mind if i call you orry? not that i give a damn. ‘sides, you’re dead. i keep forgetting. actually, that’s not true. i can’t forget. wish i could. but i can’t. i remember every detail. every sight, every sound, every smell, everything right down to how the button for the shields fell so easily beneath my fingertip. i fucking hate you for that as well. but, i digress. i already hated you, orry, for murdering my sister. ripping her from me over a bit of goddamn posturing, some grand guignol on your part. that must have been a proud moment for you, orry. but you couldn’t stop there. you had to add the insult to the injury by making it so the only place i could be safe was with the people who would hate me the most. sending my galliot crashing down in the shit hole desert between the vex and the cabal where the only friendly face was the eliksni. didn’t get much better when i got to be the kell of the house of kings but...

...something good eventually did come of it...

but don’t think i am about to thank you for any of it. you’re dead now, they killed you, and i am glad about that.

see what you’ve done to me?

i am happy that you are dead.

i am happy that they killed you and that they danced when they were done.

you sick fuck. i can see the grin on your death’s head mask of a ruined face. you’re probably laughing amongst the flames, aren’t you? laughing your arse off at me down in hell.

it would help if i believed in all that. heaven, hell, purgatory, whatnot. not sure if i do. no, pretty sure i don’t, come to think of it. haven’t seen much evidence of it, not during my time on this miserable mortal coil. i’d like to think that my dad is someplace lovely, where he can do and go wherever and whenever he wants to, where there is no pain, no suffering, where there is no sadness. i’d like to think that. but then, he would have been able to watch me from on high, right? he would be able to see me get my arse beat by the cabal, get my arse beat by the eliksni, see me get more bitter and angrier with each passing day, until he could see me graduate from the prince-who-lived to the man-who-murdered.

he could see me cock up and let the fucker who would cage the traveler, who would set the city to ruin, the city he loved, slip pass without a warning to the vanguard. see me fuck up again and get fikrul and so many eliksni murdered. see yet another fuck up as i murder cayde-6 with my own hand…as petra...i thought...not her...

damn it.

damn me.

no, i don’t mean that.

yes, i do.

i don’t know what i mean.

i am changed.

i am not the prince you once knew, petra. i am not a person you should want to know.

i’m so glad mother can’t see me here.

i had a soul that was ripe for the taking...i’ve been rendered broken and breaking...oh, dear, now it sounds like i’ve really gone off my nut. sorry, jolyon. i don’t mean to frighten you. don’t let this foul mood of mine affect you.

i know it’s been rather unfair of me, placing my mood swings on you. you’ve carried the greatest burden, though, petra. for that i am grateful, even though i have come off in the past as an unthankful bastard. but what have i told you, petra? don’t let the bastards grind you down. nolite te bastardes carborundorum. okay, that was a pathetic attempt at latin. bet you never dreamt i would even come that close, did you? then again, maybe you did. you always had more faith in me than i had more faith in me.

here, maybe this will surprise you.

i have gone out, a possessed witch, haunting the black air, braver at night; dreaming evil.

for the longest time, my dreams had an element of pain. everything in my life was tainted red by it, made the darkest shade of crimson. everything except you, petra. you were the purest thing in my world. my humanity, my miracle, my north star, my philosopher’s stone.

that’s when i first loved you. when we went seeking the hebridean faeries, the cŵn annwn i was convinced i saw in the divalian mists, all to bring back to mara as her prized hounds? you, me, and jolyon. the trio. god, we were so young. children, really, doing the work of heroes of old. you, with your knowledge and early wisdom. jolyon, with his loyalty and his bravery despite his fears. me...with this foolish arrogance and little else.

i wonder if the traveler would choose...him again now that he’s dead. he’s the better man. he’s worth more dead than i am alive. andal, i...i killed him, you know. i didn’t want to. it—it’s not the way that i thought it would be. i don’t feel the way i thought i would feel. i don’t...feel.

i don’t feel anything, andal.

i’m scaring me.

i dreamt that we have been to heaven and to hell and back again. that’s not just a dream, though, is it. we have been to heaven and hell. heaven for so short a time. hell...

doth follow night, who like a fiend from heaven to hell is flown away. ‘i hate’ from hate away she threw, and sav’d my life, saying -- ‘not you.’

that was shakespeare. pretty good, eh, mara? i can quote shakespeare. almost as good as your dear shaxx.

i can almost see your smile now. as long as you are smiling at me, petra, i am stronger than anyone or anything. i can withstand hell just to see you smile. for you, i would be strong enough.

i'd like to believe that. i really would. but i know the truth. i’m weak. just a weak little boy who can’t see straight. if i were stronger, as strong as you, i wouldn’t have cayde-6’s death on my hands. i know that i am weak.

actually...i don't know anything. anything at all.

i don't believe in anything. in anyone. in me. especially in me.

i hate...me.

i'm sorry.

please forgive me for being what i’ve become. forgive me for not being good enough.

i'm so sorry.

i want to believe again.

i hate myself so fucking much.

i used to dream. i haven’t dreamt in a long time. i’ve been having nightmares for the past four thousand years it seems. i wonder now what it is like to dream. to sleep without intrusion, without waking up in a cold sweat, without my eyes burning from the sting of my tears. i can’t remember what it’s like to dream. my life...i’ve forgotten and it is death that i remember now. that’s all i can remember, petra.

god, i can’t see your face. i try and i try and i just can’t see your face, petra. i try to make myself see you and it just slips away from me, fades away, melts from my memory like snow on a sunny day. why? is there a god after all, andal? is this his punishment? okay, fine, you, up there, you know i didn’t have a fucking choice! do you think i wanted to kill cayde? well, i fucking didn’t! and i shouldn’t have to tell you that! you know i didn’t want to kill him! if there was another way, i would have taken it! you know that!

...was there another way?

petra, did i blind myself to the possibilities? did i rush in, single-mindedly, stupidly, as i’ve done so many times in the past? did i ignore your counsel, did i ignore mara, did i ignore jolyon, did i ignore the beating of my own heart, did i ignore how it ached when andal died...it hurt so much...so much...dear god did i kill a man when there was another way?

it’s so cold...so fucking cold...i can’t feel anything...

maybe i can sleep now. maybe i can dream now. what do you think, petra? i should like to dream. i should like to sleep. i’m so very tired. maybe i could dream about you? i should like that very much.

i am changed.

i am not the prince you once knew.

i am not a man i would want to know.

what a fantastic death i missed.

#destiny #destiny 2 #destiny forsaken #forsaken #destiny fanfic #destiny fic #drabble #microfic #prince uldren sov #uldren sov #forsaken : ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ sᴛᴀʀs; ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʙᴜʀɴ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴇʏᴇs #a face of melting snow

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mosylufanfic · 6 years

Text

All-Nighter

Reaction for a throwaway line and something I felt was missing in Run Iris Run

ETA: I don’t know what’s happening with the quotation marks, I swear when you click thru to the whole thing it’s normal. *glares at Tumblr*

All-Nighter

It being five in the AM, Cisco thought he'd be the first one in. But when he swung into the cortex, the light in Caitlin's lab was on. Her terrible hunched-over position and scowl of concentration told him she was ears-deep in something complicated and frustrating, and there was a fifty-fifty chance she would snarl like a bobcat if he interrupted her.

“Heyyyy,” he said, because he liked to live dangerously. “You're here early. When did you go home last night?” She'd still been working when he'd left.

She lifted her head. “Hmm?”

“Uh,” he said, taking in her Star Labs sweatshirt and yoga pants, swapped from Iris last night, the raccoon-smudginess of her eye makeup, and the four mugs scattered around her lab with varying levels of stone-cold coffee. “No. I'm wrong. You're here way too fucking late. You didn't go home at all, did you?”

“Time'zit,” she mumbled.

“Time for Cait to go to sleep,” he said, going over and trying to pull her up by her elbows.

"Noooooo," she muttered, resisting. "I've got to keep going, I -"

"Need sleep," he said.

"Coffee," she said, looking around. "I just - coffee. I'll be good."

He shifted his morning latte out of her reach. "No. Coffee will prolong the altered state of consciousness that's killing your brain cells one by one. Sleep will be good."

She looked up at him. Her lip trembled. "Nothing works," she said piteously. "I keep trying different things, modeling them in the computer, and I can't figure out how to replicate what Melting Point did or-or-or how to reverse it - "

He hugged her around her shoulders. "You'll figure it out," he said, grabbing the back of her chair and steering her away from her computer. "After you sleep. You want to sleep up here or use Ralph's sweaty futon?"

She made a face. "Disgusting. Up here, please."

"Okay." He wheeled her chair next to the hospital bed. While she kicked off her shoes and pulled herself up into the bed, he pulled the curtains and sang under his breath. "Rock-a-bye Caitlin, in the med lab - "

She snorted, and he turned to see her burrito'd up in the blankets. "You're very sneaky," she informed him.

"Me? I am nothing but open and honest at all times."

"Sneaky," she yawned. "Pretending like it was already a foregone conclusion and I just had to choose which way to do it. The nurses used that technique when I did a rotation in pediatrics."

"Act like a toddler who doesn't want to go to bed . . . "

She growled into the pillow, yawned again, and snuggled further into the blankets. "Wake me up in two hours."

"What was that you said? Four hours? I'm thinking more like six."

"Two hours!" she yelled after him as he shut the door behind him.

He wasn't planning to go in and wake her up, but he also wasn't surprised when the door to the lab clicked open exactly two hours later and she padded out in bare feet, hair a frizzy mess and eyes heavy. They'd seen each other in worse states, so he just double-checked that Ralph was at the other end of the building and didn't know Caitlin was about to get in the shower.

Killer Frost would probably freeze Ralph's gonads if he tried to "accidentally" walk in on Caitlin, but they didn't have time to kick his rubbery ass today. They all had shit to do.

She came back in twenty minutes, in one of the spare Star Labs sweatpants and shirt from the locker by the showers, with her hair all wrapped up in a towel. For a moment, he hoped she was planning to get some more sleep, but she said, "Is that coffee for me?"

"No, they just put your name on it for some reason," he said, passing it over. It was hot enough to toast his fingertips through the cup. When he'd walked in and said, "I need Caitlin's usual, the biggest size you have," the barista had rung him up for a giant latte with two shots of hazelnut without even having to think about it. There were advantages to being such regulars.

"Thank you so much," she said, sinking into his extra chair. She took a deep drink, closing her eyes and visibly letting the caffeine seep through her veins. Without makeup, she looked even more tired and worn down.

He turned back to his project on the screen. "Hey, I had a look at what you were working on last night." It had been in her open server, which meant it was fine if he looky-looed.

"Any thoughts?"

"We have a deal," he said, making some adjustments to his design and considering the effect. "When it gets into high level DNA and whatnot, my main contribution is fixing your centrifuge. But it looks like you're exploring a bunch of options."

She sighed and took another deep drink of coffee. "I don't think I can do it," she said, staring at the lid, flicking her nail across the little notch in the lid.

"You just need some more - " Time. Data. Miracles.

"I was running ideas through the modeling software all night. Nothing. I can't do it. I can't reverse it." Her hand clenched around the coffee cup, her nails digging into the cardboard sleeve. "I said I could and I can't."

He leaned back in his chair. "Are you going to start howling and throwing things and calling yourself too stupid to live because you couldn't replicate a DNA swapping meta's powers overnight?"

She gave him a long, cool look. "No."

"Good. Because we put up with enough of that nonsense from Harry."

She set her cup down. "True." She eyed him. "Although two heads are better than one, and yours is the best one I know, so if you were to help Harry - "

"Flattery will get you everywhere except there," he said. "Not happening. I've told you this."

"Then maybe I should help."

"Are you out of your mind?" She was working herself to the bone trying to figure out Melting Point's powers, and she wanted to add more on top? No way. Not on his watch.

Plus, Cisco could handle the sneering, condescending way Harry talked in the lab, because he'd refined the art of snapping back. Caitlin acted like she could take it, but it got to her. He knew it did.

She still looked like she was about to go downstairs and offer her help, so he said, "You've been working your ass off this year to prove you're a good little teammate and you're valuable enough to keep around even with Killer Frost in the mix. Stop it. You don't need to prove anything."

Her jaw worked. This was the closest they'd ever come to acknowledging the load of guilt she carried around with her. Her suspicion that nobody had really forgiven her for last May, not really. Her conviction that they were all just waiting for her to betray them, or disagree with someone too vehemently, or simply not pull twice her weight for a split second, and she would be out, gone, booted from Star Labs.

Cisco waited for her to respond.

"I need more information," she said. "More data points. Is Frye in Iron Heights? If I study his DNA and compare it with Barry's - "

Okay. They weren't going to do it today.

"Or," he said. "We could find Matthew Kim and ask him to swap them back himself."

"Do you think he can?"

"If he can't, you'll still have him here to study."

"That's true," she said, but she still looked doubtful. "Cisco . . . "

"Mmm."

"What if he can't? And I can't. And this swap is permanent?"

The idea fell down between them like a stone - an irreversible change to the fabric of Star Labs. To who pushed and who pulled, who ran out into danger and who stayed behind, keeping a cool head and considering the big picture.

It had been weird yesterday, with Barry here during a situation. Cisco didn't know whether that was a weirdness he could get used to or not.

"I don't know," he said, fiddling with a few details. "Iris seems to be doing okay. She trained hard and she jumped into the field even if she wobbled some." He changed a panel's shape, looked at it, changed it back. "Did she say anything to you when you were patching her up?"

"We talked," Caitlin acknowledged. "She was pretty shaken by what happened up there. I think she's enjoying the speed in some ways, but sort of like a vacation, you know? Something new and novel. I don't know if she'd want to do it forever."

"Poor Barry," Cisco said, thinking of Barry's face as he watched Iris run, purple lightning crackling around her. "Sucks to be him right now."

"Yes, it must be hard," Caitlin said. "Disorienting."

He considered her, remembering that the few times she'd pushed back or said no this year had mostly been related to letting Killer Frost out. "Hey," he said. "If we get Kim in here - would you want him to take Frost off your hands?"

"No," she said immediately, without hesitation.

He blinked. "Really."

"You thought I'd say yes?"

"Frosting up still isn't your favorite thing ever, you have to admit that." She was stepping up more easily these days, but he still saw her setting her jaw as she did.

She turned her cup on the table. "First of all," she said carefully, "Killer Frost has never worked quite like any other meta. So I don't know if Melting Point's powers would even work on me. Her. Whatever."

"Okay, say they did."

"Then the issue is different. It's not like the powers dissolve or something when Melting Point takes them away," she said. "They get transferred to the next person he touches. What if you suddenly got an evil alter ego? Or Harry?"

Reverb, Cisco thought, and pushed that away. "Alter-ego Meta Harry might actually be nice."

"Or even meaner." She sipped her coffee again and shook her head. "No," she said. "I don't like having her here, exactly. But I'm learning how to handle her." She grimaced. "And getting to this point has been bad enough. Someone else would start right at the beginning. So no. I wouldn't want Melting Point to give Killer Frost to someone else."

Interesting way of putting it, he thought, but said aloud, "Fair. Very fair."

"What are you working on?" she said.

Subject: changed. "So I got to thinking this morning. Iris is going to need a suit of her own if this keeps up for very long."

She made a mournful face. "My sweater was trashed, it's true. All smokey and torn - Iris felt so bad."

"Yep. So I pulled up Jesse’s basic Flash suit, made a few adjustments and - " He turned his monitor so she could see.

"Purple!" Caitlin exclaimed.

"Cuz of the color of her lightning," Cisco said. "You like?"

"Yes," she said. "Oh. That's a great color on Iris."

"It'll do for a Version 1.0," he said, sending some of the components to the 3-D printer and hitting a few buttons to whip up some dye for the suit material.

She tipped up her coffee and drank the last few drops. "Okay," she said. "I need to do my hair and makeup, and then get back to work."

He leaned down and grabbed a plastic bag. "Hey, I grabbed you an outfit."

"From where?" she asked, taking it. "I've worn all the extra outfits I have stored here."

"Your place. You remember when you gave me your key so I could water your plants?"

"Did you really use the key?"

"No," he said. "But I figured it was carte blanche to breach in when you needed something. Was that okay?"

She wrinkled her nose at him. "I'll answer that when I gauge the cuteness of the outfit you picked."

"I think it's very cute," he said cheerfully. "But hey, you could hang around all day in Star Labs sweats if you want." He started to reach for the bag.

She clutched it to herself. "I'll make it work," she said, and headed for the bathroom. "Thank you!" she shouted over her shoulder.

"Anytime!" he yelled back, already pulling out the suit material and his faithful dress form.

As he pinned and tacked the Iris suit together, he wondered what Caitlin would do if there was ever a chance to lose her Killer Frost side for good.

FINIS

#Cisco Ramon #Caitlin Snow #Killervibe #fanfiction #mosylufanfic lives up to her damn name #Caitlin needs someone to take care of her sometimes #Cisco is the only one who's allowed #the flash

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theblovel · 6 years

Text

The Blovel #21

The pink and orange and yellow rays from the island sunrise slice through the blackout curtains covering Buxton’s resort room window. The crashing waves are white noise as the soothing sounds of the ocean create a calmness unlike any other. Buxton feels the warmth of the sun upon his face and wakes with a smile. Today is the final day of his stay in paradise. He’s had an eventful stay thus far, to say the least, hopefully his final few hours prove to be less than dramatic.

Buxton swings his legs over the edge of the left side of the bed and sits up. He awakens alone for the first time in a few days; a feeling he’s not too fond of. Charley is much more than a space that fills his lonesome desires. She’ll never be reduced to a commodity, but Buxton desires her presence most urgently.

He reaches for his cell phone to call Charley. As he hits the home button to illuminate his screen he sees that Charley is calling him. He answers with the sweetest name, other than Charley, that he can think of, “Good Morning Angel! How are you?” Charley sounds less than impressed but more concerned and scared when she responds, “Buxton where is Jeremy? We woke up and couldn’t find Ava. She isn’t answering her cell phone either. If Jeremy isn’t there then hopefully they are together. Can you check quickly please to see if he is there???”

The uneventful final hours of his stay are compromised by a missing Ava but hopefully she accompanied by Jeremy whom Buxton finds is also not where he expected him to be. Buxton replies to Charley, “I don’t see Jeremy. Let me run down to see if the car is here.” Buxton grabs the room key and puts it in his gym shorts as he walks through the hall way and into the lobby both shoeless and shirtless while still talking to Charley. Charley explains her frustration, ��Last night we decided to have a girl’s night like I told you because I have been spending most of my time here with you. Not that I didn’t Love spending time with you but I wanted to see my girls as well. So we had a fun night out. We had drinks and danced and it was a good time. When we got back to the villa, Ava and Myra started arguing. It’s nothing out of the norm but they started really going in on each other. The next thing I knew Jeremy’s name comes up and Ava gets a little sentimental about him but Myra starts talking shit about how she could have fucked him better than Ava ever could and whatnot. And then Ava just ran up on her and smacked her down to the floor. They were tussling and shit until I stepped in and broke it up. They were screaming at each other and then Ava just left. I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer. I don’t know what happened between Ava and Jeremy but something did. Since Jeremy was a soft spot for her I was hoping they would be together at least.”

Buxton takes in all of the details as he walks the cobblestones to the parking spaces in front of the resort and sees that the truck is no longer there which he relays to Charley. He adds, “I’m sure they are safe. They both know that today we have to leave so I’m positive they will show up in time for us to get to the airport so we don’t miss our flights.”

Charley responds, “You seem way too calm. Did Jeremy say something to you?”

Buxton replies, “He told me about how he and Ava were going to spend the night but didn’t because he felt she wasn’t ready but then Myra was trying to sleep with him and he refused her. He actually likes Ava but because she is married and unsure he left her alone.”

“That explains why Myra said what she said but I’m not sure why she did it. Why would she go after Jeremy if she knew Ava liked him?”

“I don’t know but it had Jeremy upset. I’m gonna give Jeremy a call and see if he answers. I’ll call you back with anything I can come up with. It’ll be fine baby.”

“Ok Buxton. Please let me know if you find out anything.”

Buxton hangs up and immediately dials Jeremy; no answer. He sends him a text explaining the frustration that Charley expressed to him. Jeremy responds by saying that he is driving Ava back to her villa and will be back soon.

Jeremy pulls up to the villa with Ava. He parks a little ways away so to avoid confrontation. He turns to Ava, “Thank you for reaching out to me last night. I didn’t expect to hear from you but I was glad I did.”

Ava doesn’t look at Jeremy when she responds, “Last night was difficult for me Jeremy. I was feeling lonely and I thought about the many times my husband cheated on me and I wanted to get back at him so badly but I didn’t want it to be meaningless. I wanted you. I only wanted you.”

“I wanted you too. I just wasn’t sure if it was me or just the act initially. I could tell you had mixed emotions.”

“It’s deeper than that Jeremy. I haven’t told anyone this, but I’m going to tell you. A few months ago I found out that my husband cheated on me with my sister Myra. He left his laptop unlocked one day when he left out. I didn’t want to look in it but I did. I found pictures of other women on his laptop and the last one was a picture of him and my sister. Since then I’ve been angry with her but I couldn’t let on that I knew because I can’t start over with nothing. He’d leave me and claim I was being nosy and I don’t trust him and he’d flip it all on me; he told me he would if I ever said anything. I’ve known he’s been cheating all along but not with my sister.”

“That’s crazy baby. I’m so sorry that this is happening.” Jeremy thought for a moment to tell Ava about what Myra did but he thought better of it. “So what will you do knowing what you know? I mean you said you’re afraid he’ll leave you which puts us in an awkward place but I’m talking more about your sister. What are you going to do about her?”

“I’m not sure what I can do. Every time I see her I get angry and want to whoop her ass but she’s still my sister. I remember one time when we were younger I told her that she could never be me and I pushed her to the ground. I stood over her and told her she wouldn’t ever have what’s mine. I guess I was wrong.”

“You can’t accept blame for that. They made choices not you.”

“I made a choice to be with you. That was me taking my power back. I don’t feel bad about what we did. I wanted it. I feel bad that I made my sister want to be me. I should have known better.”

“I hear you Ava but you didn’t make them sleep together. They did that. The question now is how long will you hold on to this before you break?”

Ava leans over a places her head on Jeremy’s chest. Jeremy embraces her and holds her tightly. As much as Jeremy despises being an option, he has fallen for Ava and is not willing to turn away from her despite the drama surrounding her. He feels protective over her and wants to make things better for her ultimately, but he knows she has to make this situation what she wants, hopefully including him, before he can do anything worthwhile for her. They say their goodbyes as she exits. They agree that it would be best if Jeremy waited for Ava to contact him rather than him contacting her. Jeremy was reluctant to agree but he is in Love with a woman that isn’t ready to leave her marriage and doesn’t know how to. His patience was will ultimately be tested.

He leaves the villa and drives back to the resort. Buxton texted him their flight number and time of departure. They have a few hours before they leave paradise.

Jeremy parks the truck in front of the resort. He gets out and walks to the room. He opens the door to see Buxton all packed and ready to leave. Jeremy mocks him, “Fam you are always ready to leave mad early. We have time. Relax bro.”

Buxton replies, “You know me and I know you. I’m always ready way before you bro. You already know. So what happened with Ava? You had Charley calling me all worried and shit. What y’all do?”

Jeremy offers, “A gentleman never tells.”

“Nigga since when are you a gentleman? All the women you told me about and this one is somehow different? What you saying J? You really in Love for real fam?”

Jeremy didn’t respond and entered his room to begin packing his belongings. Buxton sat on the sofa in the common area and contemplated what life will be like moving forward with Charley. He smiles at the thought of a life with the woman he’s always wanted.

After packing and a quick shower, Jeremy enters the common area ready to head to the airport. He and Buxton stand and shake hands in appreciation of a trip to surely be remembered. Buxton asks, “You straight fam?” Jeremy offers, “Couldn’t be better bro!”

They take their bags to the truck and load it and leave to ride to the airport. The high afternoon sun bakes the truck but they elect to take in the last ride without any A/C. As Buxton drives Jeremy rides silently observing the islanders and their mopeds and their quick tongues when they speak and the brilliance of the calamity at the intersection. He recalls his days and his final night and smiles. Buxton too sits in silence thinking only of Charley. He too smiles at a trip that was more than worth it. He found someone to invest all of his being into. A woman that could make the difference in his life. He’s confident they’ll be more than just an island fling.

As Buxton and Jeremy board the plane they sit smiling not knowing why the other is. They don’t bother to ask as they suspect they already know. The buckle themselves in and away departure. The flight heads down the runway and they are on their way back to reality.

#theblovel #thebloggednovel #the blogged novel #shortstory #shortstoryseries #shortfiction #fiction series #fiction #weekly series #blog series #jteheren #the blovel

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cclikechanelduh · 5 years

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My brother has to be one of the kindest people I’ve met. He’s caring of others feelings to the point he neglects his own. He never says no unless he firmly opposes and he understands what it’s like having 3 sisters and add a mother who worry’s just as much for him as she does everyone else. He surely will be prepared to deal with girls in the future. However, and not to sound negative or cliche but there’s also a lot I see that will harm him. I sit and wonder to think where it all started.

First his anxiety, he will always say he isn’t good enough or that he sucks at whatever he’s attempting or even contemplating. He feels as if he goes through with whatever he will fail and disappoint everyone who believes in him. He gets to worked up to the point of crying or completely shutting down. It’s scary, and honestly I’d like to know where he gets this scary expectation that he will fail. Especially without trying, it breaks my heart because in some ways I’m the same but even now in my mid 20’s I find myself doing more than I did when I was younger and technically inline to explore and whatnot.

His lack of awareness. God this is a big one. I mean it. You ask him something and he completely won’t be able to answer your questions or he lies to make the answer you are wanting out of him and not the truth. It will be simple things like hey I have free period so I get out early. I’m like cool if I can I’ll pick you up what time do you get out. His response 11 O think, I show up and what do you know they get out 11:55. He proceeds to then never tell me my dad was on his way to pick him up too and goes around and tells me he thought I would tell my dad that I’m picking him up. Like... no.... why would I advise my dad I’m picking him up when I have no clue he is leaving work an hour earlier that day. He has pieces of information from both parties yet refuses to communicate. Most times he says he didn’t think to say anything, which I feel goes back to my first point. He’s afraid. He’s afraid of saying too much or not enough but ends up looking useless.

It’s his senior year and I want him to do everything seniors do. Today is senior sunrise and it’s at 5:45 so we are swiftly talking about it last night and he’s saying we leave at 5:20 turns out this morning we need to be there by 5:20... I’m like really? Then when I asked him if they are to bring food he says no while I’m seeing kids with fast food breakfast. Again it’s lack of awareness or maybe guys don’t think of these minor details but omg I want to shake him sometimes and tell him to wake the fuck up and smell the roses. His “not wanting to bother us” is getting old because he is in turn not asking for things when he should but long behold roll out the dolla bills for a new microphone to mindlessly play for hours with his friends.

I just don’t get it. Me and my sister often talk to him and tell him how talented he is how he’s way ahead of us in terms of school like he is one of kind. His lack of emotion for details and anxiety will prove to be hard in his adult life. However I feel like the bumps in the road will hopefully aid him in growing up and getting out of these behaviors or they can worsen them. But I like to stay positive and hope he can overcome them and enjoy his life but be aware of things around him or he might miss things in life. And as I have come to find out once you miss out of certain things you don’t get a redo.

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anniesadventuresabroad10 · 7 years

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Washington DC

December 27th-30th 2016

I love big cities, I adore museums, and I get unreasonably emotional when surrounded by a lot of history- so naturally I’ve wanted to visit DC for a while now.

My last visit was in 2005 with the rest of my elementary school’s Safety Patrol- and while that trip was fantastic, I wanted to see the city my way and visit the nation’s capitol before the end of Obama’s term.

And so I went. Equipped with my backpack, camera, and far less planning and fewer spreadsheets than normal, I hopped on a Greyhound bus on Tuesday afternoon and arrived in DC with just enough time to be hopelessly turned around in Union Station, have an argument with a metro card machine, and find my hostel before thinking about dinner.

I dropped my bag and headed to a taqueria that came highly recommended and also happened to be 87 feet from my lodgings. Aside from the usual surprise at my dining alone, the staff of El Sol was exceedingly friendly and brought me one of the best margaritas I’ve had (it was probably more tequila than lime, but I’m not complaining!). The chips and salsa were excellent, and the pork in my quesadilla was pretty near perfect. I could easily see why the Washington Post called it the best taqueira in DC. After dinner I returned to my hostel to recharge and plan out the rest of my trip!

For a day that started with a confusing quest for hostel pancakes, my second day in DC was unexpectedly fantastic. After breakfast, I set off into the bright and brisk morning with some vague idea of visiting the National Mall and embracing my inner Leslie Knope. Upon arriving at the dusty green, I set my boots towards the Washington Monument (mostly because none of the museums opened until 10).

I got some great shots and appreciated the opportunity to reflect in the shadows of Washington’s legacy on the current political climate and what can be done to improve the state of things. The visit also provided yet another wonderful excuse to listen to the Hamilton Mixtape again because it was, you know, relevant and whatnot.

Leaving G Wash behind I strolled to the WWII memorial, admiring the wreaths and thinking some more, mostly about the high cost of freedom and how cold my hands were getting. My next stop was clearly visible at the other end of the reflecting pond- The Lincoln Memorial towered above all, trees, people, and ducks alike. I skirted agitated families, had a chat with Abe while reading his 2nd Inaugural Address, and took a few more pictures before taking my leave.

Walking in a nearly straight line from the memorial, I ran into the queue for the Natural History Museum and decided to join it. Cards on the table, I LOVE museums- particularly those for natural history. There’s something comforting about the combination of science and history that just fills me with so much joy. In my happy nerd haze I did get a bit overwhelmed at just how many amazing things there are to know and see and learn- I’m sure the neat rocks, John Muir quotes, National Park pictures, and color chemistry display had something to do with it.

I followed the Natural History Museum with a scarfed down street hot dog and a stroll through several sculpture gardens on my way to the Air and Space Museum. The part of me that never really quite stopped wanting to be an astronaut was giddy with excitement, and the rest of me was pretty pleased too. I sacrificed any cool points I may have had and went through the exhibits with a dumb grin on my face while pushing buttons and exploring all the ways humans have devised to fly.

Stepping out into the sunshine, I realized that I had just enough time to tour the Library of Congress. After a brisk walk around the Capitol, I got my bag searched, grabbed a brochure and then had to actively remind myself how to breathe.

The architecture of the Jefferson Building is breathtaking enough, but add books and a ton of quotes about how great learning is? Full on heart eyes. My favorite parts were the exhibits on the top 40 most influential works of American literature (something about acknowledging the power of books and stories that gets to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) and seeing Jefferson’s library-Jefferson and I may not agree on much politically, but the man did know how to appreciate books. Seeing the main reading room was also quite special, I would have loved to spend more time there, but evidently you need a better reason than “I want to be around books” to obtain a pass. It was an excellent visit.

Feeling a few steps beyond peckish and following a cousin’s recommendation, I decided to try the Founding Farmers. The place was crowded with locals and tourists alike and there was a warm buzz that bounced off the exposed brick and ironwork. After waiting nearly 90 minutes for a table (I had nowhere else to be and they had books about farming, pamphlets from the ND farmer’s union, and plenty in the way of people watching to tide me over) I was seated at the end of a community table and ordered a drink from my waiter who seemed mildly surprised at my dining alone. The clover club cocktail was an excellently balanced combination of gin, lemon, grenadine, and whipped egg white and was exactly what I hadn’t known I wanted after such a long and busy day. For dinner I ordered the chicken and waffles and was given a plate of food so delicious that it made me question if I’d ever actually had chicken and waffles before. Next time I’m in DC I’ll definitely try to come back.

Full, exhausted, and warm I headed back to my hostel, ready to take off my boots and turn in so I could be well rested for Thursday’s adventure.

The sky was grey and the drizzle was undecided on my second morning in DC, which meant my first order of business was finding a cozy local coffee shop from which I would plan out my morning. I wandered into Ebeneezer’s, which was full of people happily enjoying the brews and not talking to one another. I ordered a honey lavender latte, and it was fantastic- just sweet enough and wonderfully floral without tasting like soap. I read and journaled for a bit before deciding to walk over to the temple of American justice- the Supreme Court. They had a delightful exhibit about the building’s history and construction. After taking a gander at the famed spiral staircases, I found my way to the ground floor to join the queue for a courtroom lecture and used the wait time as a chance to sit and admire the spectacular great hall and its Christmas tree.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t get a little misty-eyed upon being seated in the chamber where so much history has happened. Even just seeing the chairs where the justices sit while hearing oral arguments was a bit chilling (especially when I began to consider the still missing ninth chair). The lecturer did an excellent job of explaining the appellate system and the functioning of the court while bringing home the enormity of what the judicial branch is responsible for.

As I left the court, a bit shell-shocked and star-struck, I didn’t have much time to dilly dally as I had a walking tour to meet! Though the day was rainy and cold our guide, Ingaborg, was cheerful and told the stories behind the monuments exceedingly well. I gained a greater appreciation for the memorials I’d seen the day before and was able to see the monuments I’d missed. I vaguely remembered the Korean memorial from my last trip, those silently watching statues were just as striking this time around as they were ten years ago.

I also really loved seeing the MLK Memorial in person, and the pictures I took don’t do it justice. There was more to it than I was expecting, instead of just the relief carving, there was a bit of a story all built around the “out of the mountain of darkness, a stone of hope” quote. The FDR Memorial was also very lovely and seeing the Jefferson Memorial at sunset felt rather special- if also very cold and windy.

With the tour ended, my stomach growling, and my knees more than ready for a break, I went off to find dinner at the famous Shake Shack. I found my way to the metro in the gathering darkness and emerged in the middle of a crowd headed to watch a Capitols game. The crowd was also present in the restaurant- nearly every available surface had someone eating on it! I found a perch to eat my fairly good burger and drink a solidly mediocre chocolate shake before leaving, feeling much more energized and patient. I had an early night in order to rest my joints and prepare for my final day in DC.

Friday dawned bright and cold, and I was up and ready for adventure fairly early. I dropped my backpack off at the Union Station luggage storage before heading to Foggy Bottom in search of good coffee and the White House. The cafe I was hunting for was closed for New Years, so I settled for Starbucks to warm and wake myself up as I wandered. The White House was thoroughly barricaded but still neat to look at. I also really liked seeing the National Christmas Tree and Menorah.

I was able to stop at the American History Museum for a little while and really adored it. I saw Julia Child’s kitchen, the original Star Spangled Banner, old lab glassware, and the Classical shirtless statue of George Washington. It was pretty great! I did leave the museum before I’d seen everything because I had someone very exciting to meet and a new museum to see!

Due to some wonderful luck and great timing, I was able to see one of my very best friends and favorite people in the entire universe. My friend and her mom had tickets to the new National Museum of African American History and Culture, and happened to have a spare. The new museum is absolutely gorgeous and is very well thought out. Each exhibit is packed with so much rich detail and there’re so many things to look at! It’s a beautifully done museum and I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to see it. It was also incredible to see my friend because I miss her like crazy and she’s wonderful, so I relished the opportunity to catch-up a bit, and it was great to see her mom again too!

After a great lunch in the museum’s cafe, I said my goodbyes and dashed to Union Station where I collected my bags and headed to the bus stand. I arrived back in Raleigh thoroughly exhausted from my travels, and a bit glad to sleep in my own bed. It was a really lovely trip, and I’m very glad that I decided to listen to the travel bug that’s been biting at my ear for so long now.

I don’t know where my next adventure will take me, but I know I can’t wait

#Washington DC #Travel #Washington #Solo Travel #This whole trip was just me embracing my inner Leslie Knope #I'm such a nerd #especially in museums #history

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heckyeahlucilleballilovelucy · 7 years

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Safe Nomad (6). Caroline Van Keeken, The Netherlands: “I am a happy slave to my work”; a writer’s definition of freedom

In our culture, when we say “writer” we see an aged man, brow furrowed, punching out word after word from his battered typewriter. A lonely cup of coffee by his side. Trail of smoke rising from the embers of his 40th cigarette. His nights drowned in aged scotch, slouched beside the fireplace brooding for inspiration.

Caroline Van Keeken challenges this archetype and then some.

At the age of only 29, this beautiful woman is already an acclaimed journalist and author back in her native country Holland. She wakes up every morning at 5.30, does yoga until 7, then hides in a quiet spot and works until sunset. This quiet spot can be anywhere: Holland, England, Southern France, Hungary or, this time, in Hoi An, Central Vietnam.

I was shocked when she suggested that we have our conversation right after her yoga class. “It’s cooler in the early morning, she said. Then it gets too hot.”

I, as an old-school cliché-type of writer, don’t do mornings. At 10 o’clock we took a short walk down the picturesque An Bang beach to the cozy “Soul Kitchen” cafe; the sand was already so hot that it burnt my feet through the soles of my flip-flops. (I still feel the burns.) I should have listened to my younger counterpart’s suggestion. Or maybe I should have worn shoes.

We sat, ordered coffee and passion fruit smoothies, and I switched on my voice recorder. During the next hour, Caroline used the words “work” and “think” about 50 times each. That’s quite a tell-tail for what she’s up for in her life.

“I write so I can write more.”

Right after high school, Caroline moved to England for a couple of years: she took singing classes, worked as a singer in a bar, as a make-up artist, as a hostess in a club, and as a clerk for a warehouse. She liked to explore and observe.

Then she came back to Amsterdam and studied European Science and Journalism, with a focus on Eastern Europe and, more specifically, on Russian affairs. She went to Moscow to do research for her Master’s degree at the Moscow Times and, ever since, she spends at least one month per year in the Russian capital, covering interesting social subjects for the Dutch media.

“I’ve always been a freelancer and I’m able to manage my own time efficiently. I could write articles for newspapers and commercial clients in Holland. The money I earned, gave me time to travel for a while and work on my next book. It’s hard for a journalist to have a big project such as a book because it demands that you sit still for long periods of time and commit to it fully.”

Simply put, Caroline writes articles so that she can write books. She works so that she can work more. This arrangement allows her to pursue the childhood dream of being a novelist.

A child’s dream comes true

“I was always making up stories. I was a very unsociable kid and spent my whole time just reading, writing and observing people without actually socializing. I was very curious about everything around me, and I needed a lot of time for myself, to think and to write.”

Her dream of becoming a true writer came to fruition in 2016, when Dutch TV network, NPO, held a national short stories contest. She won first prize and was awarded a master class with the famous writer, Thomas Verbogt. They got along brilliantly and decided to meet once a month, drink wine and check Caroline’s progress.

In March 2017, she launched “Zo Worden Wij Niet” (“We Won’t Become That Way”) a collection of short stories which was instantly acclaimed by media and readers alike. What’s the book about? Bottom-line, it’s about freedom.

“All the stories in this book talk about what happens in the minds of people when they feel stuck. I’m fascinated by people who do exactly what they’re expected to do and who seem to like this conformity. I’m intrigued by boringly happy fathers. By husbands who think that there’s nothing else in life other than being a husband. By neighbors for which being a good neighbor is all there is.

We can easily get stuck in the networks we create, be it family, friends or workmates. We start doing what everyone around expects us to do and we forget to think by ourselves, and about ourselves.

But there comes a point when we feel so stuck and miserable. We try to think of a way out. Some take drugs and escape into a world of chemically-induced fantasy. Others prefer the option of quitting their jobs and running away forever. It’s that moment that my book explores; yes, bottom-line it’s a book about freedom.”

She adds: “Freedom is the ability to not overly care about other people’s expectations. A free person is one who has found the proper balance between not giving a damn and being overly responsible.”

We got you, Caroline!

“Traveling opens my brain”, Caroline admits. “I become very creative while moving. Traveling helps you focus better because you don’t get sucked up in the mundane details of your daily life at home; such as finding a parking spot, calling the plumber to fix your kitchen sink, or paying your electricity bill.”

As a matter of fact, it’s traveling that put her in the right mood to start working on her next book. She took a month off and came to Hoi An just to relax. But while taking a walk down the beach, she got struck by inspiration. All the subjects she had in mind suddenly connected and she knew what the next novel would be about.

She Skyped Amsterdam and told her editor “Hey, I have this idea for my new book.” “Go ahead”, the editor replied, so she settled in Hoi An to work. Luckily, she had the perfect place to start writing; the Hub Hoi An co-working space had just opened a few months earlier. She purchased a membership, took a seat under the shadow of the banana trees, opened her laptop – wrapped in a cover that makes it look like an old book – and started typing.

“I don’t think my working day ever really ends. I think I am my work. It’s in my head all the time; and I take work very personally. I take full responsibility for what I do and create, that’s why I need to feel good and proud of whatever I write, be it books, newspaper articles, or commercial copy. I hardly ever feel that I am seriously working because I love what I do. I enjoy my work so much that I sometimes think there will come a day when they will find out, take me from my working desk, put me in some office and say: We got you, Caroline. You thought you could have this forever? Not possible, young lady!”

I asked her how she overcomes procrastination, a phenomenon so frequent among writers in particular and creative people in general. Her answer was surprising and soothing.

“Sometimes it works to just give in to it. If you feel like you’ve been on Facebook for an hour and not done anything useful, get up and go to the market. Or re-arrange all your books in alphabetical order. Do something opposite from your work. Break the circle; otherwise you’ll be caught on Facebook or whatnot for 5 more hours.”

About technology

“I feel at home when I open my laptop. Everything I need is inside there or safely backed-up in my email account. It’s because of technology that I am able to live and work as I do. Otherwise I would have to send packages to my publishers with the Vietnamese post every Sunday (Brad’s note: like Oliver used to do in the ‘90s). I use technology – specifically the Internet – to do a lot of research for my books. I research my character’s jobs, mental conditions, and reality check to see if they would act and behave the way I imagined.

I use my phone mostly for navigation. I get lost so easily, even in Amsterdam. It helps me find my way and thus it gives me a sense of security and freedom, I use Spotify to listen to music while I write and Skype with my publisher, clients, and friends”

Achieving a sense of security. Doing your thing, and feeling protected.

“It gives me a sense of security to know that, wherever I am, I can work. I can work behind the bar here if needed to. Also, I feel secure that I know a few people here. Living alone on a deserted island is not my kind of ideal, I like having people around me.“

“I feel happy. I just feel very happy at this point in my life because I am doing exactly what I want to do. I am a slave to my work, but not in a prison-like sense. I am a happy slave.”

from HOTforSecurity http://ift.tt/2uLYqde

#HOTforSecurity

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