#so im a take a break for a while so have a shitpost | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

junosartsthetic · 1 year

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I posted 693 times in 2022

That's 485 more posts than 2021!

240 posts created (35%)

453 posts reblogged (65%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@junosartsthetic

@strawberrystepmom

@buccislutti

@corpsoir

I tagged 593 of my posts in 2022

Only 14% of my posts had no tags

#jjba - 259 posts

#this is a shitshow and im the ringleader - 138 posts

#q - 116 posts

#shitposting - 113 posts

#shitpost - 111 posts

#x reader - 83 posts

#jjba x reader - 74 posts

#jojo's bizarre adventure - 68 posts

#jojos bizarre adventure - 61 posts

#jean pierre polnareff - 61 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#no this isnt some projection of the father i never had during my childhood and therefore wanting somebody powerful and strong in my life to

My Top Posts in 2022:

306 notes - Posted August 23, 2022

Baby, I’m Jealous

Headcanons for when a collection of my favorite JJBA characters get jealous (whether they’d like to admit it or not). She/her pronouns used for reader.

Hol Horse

Jealousy?

Please

He’s a love ‘em and leave ‘em type

He doesn’t get jealous

At least, that’s what he tells himself when he sees you with some smooth-talking son-of-a-bitch from across the bar

He grips his drink angrily, chugging it down in one fell swoop

Just because you two weren’t official, more like a friends with benefits situation, doesn’t mean this asshole had any right to speak to you, much less caress your hips like he wanted to get you out of your dress

Besides, he didn’t like this guy

A feeling in his gut told him he was gonna break your heart

Not on his watch

You didn’t have time to think before Hol was wrapping his arm around your waist from behind, pulling you against his seething chest

“I don’t know what the hell you think yer doin’ with my girl, but if you don’t get outta my sight by the count of three—”

He summons his stand

“I’m gonna pump ya full of lead”

The bastard is gone before you could process what happened

“Was he botherin’ ya, sweetheart?” he breathes against your ear

“Was he bothering you?” you replied, turning to smirk at him

“I didn’t know you could get so jealous, cowboy”

“Just wanna make sure my cowgirl is okay”

You roll your eyes

“Whatever you say. Just next time, wait until I score a free drink before scaring off the asshole, okay?”

Jonathan Joestar

He’s a proper gentleman (trademark)

But deep down

There’s definitely a part of him that comes out when he sees someone particularly close to you

He convinces himself its to keep you safe and sound

But he knows you’re fine

See the full post

413 notes - Posted August 26, 2022

Pool Time

SDC reacting to you in a bikini. Chaos ensues. Contains suggestive/mild sexual content, especially in Joseph’s part. Oops. Written for female readers.

It wasn’t often you got to relax for a moment during your crusade to defeat Dio, so you jumped at the chance to spend the afternoon at the pool with the rest of your companions. The vehicle taking you to your next destination—a train—wasn’t going to arrive until tomorrow afternoon, so you figured you all might as well do something fun while waiting.

Luckily, you managed to snag a bathing suit from the giftshop in the hotel lobby. Did you pay for it? Ehh. Not important.

You finished tying the bikini straps around your neck, looking yourself over in the bathroom mirror. The top piece consisted of a red patterned bra piece with black straps. The bottoms were entirely black with little red bows on either hip. You winked at yourself. You were never the vain type, but you felt pretty hot at the moment.

The bikini was a little tight being that you were too busy trying not to get caught to look at the tag, but it fit good enough. Your thighs stretched the fabric bottoms, and you had to tuck in the tops of your breasts to fit inside the cups, but everything private was covered. All you wanted to do was jump in the water and stay there so it didn’t matter too much. The hot weather of the Middle East was not your cup of tea.

You grabbed a hotel towel, wrapping it around your waist and securing it there before stepping out of the bathroom. Everyone else was already at the pool, as they’d changed and left in the time you sought out a swimsuit.

Quickly applying sunscreen, you rushed out of the hotel room and to the elevator. Moments later, you arrived in front of the gated pool. It was quite a nice hotel, and there were many shaded tables scattered around the patio. You looked around, spotting the others seated around a large round table. An umbrella provided shade as they sipped on various drinks. You wondered why none of them chose to take a swim. Were they not dying of heat exhaustion, even with their iced drinks?

Tossing that thought aside, you focused on your current dilemma. You needed to be let inside as you didn’t grab a key. You waved both hands, shouting out a name and catching the attention of a certain someone—your boyfriend. Not only that, but a few others also looked your way. It was hard not to pay attention to you in your current state of dress.

Kakyoin

“Holy shit,” Noriaki breathed, eyes widening. Even sporting green swim shorts instead of his usual attire, he felt hot. He looked around, noticing he wasn’t the only one glancing your way. A pit settled in his stomach. He didn’t want to come off as a bastard, or tell anyone, especially you, what to wear, but your current attire sent his mind spiraling.

There was no denying your beauty. He always thought you were beautiful, but this was something else. It felt wrong seeing you in so little fabric in such a public place.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts before gathering himself and walking to let you in.

“Thanks, Nori.” You pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I thought I’d have to climb the gate for a second there. You seemed out of it. You okay?”

He nodded. “Oh, uhh, yeah. I’m good. You just caught me off guard. I see you found a swimsuit.”

“Yeah.” You pulled on the strap of the bikini top before releasing it. It sunk back against your skin tightly. “It’s kind of small, though. I hope it doesn’t tear or something.”

His face flushed red at your words. He quickly changed the subject. “Let’s get in the water. I’m dying out in this heat.”

You hummed in agreement, walking beside him back to the table. “Lemme put my towel down.”

You untied the cloth from your hips, tossing it on a chair before heading towards the large body of water. Noriaki struggled to keep his eyes from trailing downwards, and he quickly followed behind you, standing close enough to block your backside from any prying eyes.

This was simultaneously the worst and best thing he’d ever experienced. It was going to be a long afternoon.

Jotaro

Jotaro was good at keeping his emotions in check, for the most part, but he had no hat to cover his face, nor a jacket collar to pop up to hide his red cheeks. All he could do was look down and mutter.

“Jotaro,” Joseph scolded. “Don’t just sit there. Go let your girlfriend in.”

“Mr. Joestar,” Avdol said. “I think he’s a little overwhelmed. I’ll go let her in.”

“Good grief,” grumbled Jotaro, getting up in his usual irritated manner. “I’m fine. I’m going.”

Polnareff snickered. “Go on, tough guy. Go get your girl.”

“Shut up, Polnareff.”

The Frenchman continued to snicker.

Jotaro made it to the gate, unlatching it and letting you inside with a grunt. You raised a brow. “Why are you so grumpy? Something happen?”

“Old man Joseph and Polnareff are just annoying.”

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648 notes - Posted July 28, 2022

Catcalled

SDC reacting to you getting catcalled. RIP the catcallers but not really because they deserved it. Contains swear words and some suggestive content. Written for female readers.

It happened while you and the crew were walking along a busy Egyptian street. The sun burned particularly brightly that day, and you had resorted to tying your shirt up into a crop top and rolling up your already short shorts as high as they could go. Despite your efforts, your skin still shone with sweat as you fanned yourself uselessly. You’d never get used to the weather in Egypt—that you knew. But you and the others were on a mission, and no amount of heat could stop you.

Unfortunately for you, a group of rowdy drunks thought you sweating to death looked appealing enough to shout something about it. Of course. It seems men everywhere on Earth could be complete douchebags. Lovely.

“Hey, baby! Why don’t you take it all off!” yelled an older man, waving a bottle around.

“Nice ass, slut!” called another.

“C’mere and I’ll show you a good time, huh!” a third chimed in.

Gross. Gross. Gross. You cringed, teeth gnashing together as you spun on your heels, ready to tell them off, but it seems your boyfriend had already beat you to it.

Jotaro

The only thing he muttered was “good fuckin’ grief,” before springing into action. To anyone else, it would look like the men spontaneously exploded—blood flew everywhere as Star Platinum sucker-punched the bastards over and over again. Star didn’t stop until the men lay in a gore-soaked pile, all groaning and crying in pain from their anguish.

Though they didn’t catch it, you threw up your middle finger as a final “fuck you” to the assholes who thought it was a good idea to cat-call you. “Keep your mouths shut next time, motherfuckers,” you spat, shooting a final glare before rejoining your companions. The others stood there, varying degrees of concern or awe plastering their faces.

“You okay?” Jotaro asked under his breath. He bumped into you lightly, causing you to lock eyes with him. He rose a brow.

You nodded, bumping him in return before linking your arm with his. “I’ve dealt with my fair-share of gross men. If you hadn’t jumped in, I would’ve beaten them myself.”

“I know,” he muttered. “You would’ve killed them, though. I wanted to avoid casualties, even including those bastards.”

You shrugged. “Doubt they would’ve been missed. Anyway, let’s go. It’s hot as hell out here and I’d like to get to the hotel before I sweat to death.”

Kakyoin

“I must have heard wrong,” he hissed. “I know you’re not speaking about my girlfriend like that, right? Because then I’d have to kill you.” You saw Hierophant Green materialize beside him, fists raised.

The men laughed. A lanky teenager sending threats their way must’ve seemed silly, but they were in for a rude awakening. Before you could blink, Hierophant’s bottom half shot forward, forming a lance as it stabbed through each of the men. They all fell to the ground, holding their wounds as they howled in pain. You were glad Kakyoin didn’t kill them.

Your eyes widened as Kakyoin’s stand wound up for another round—Jotaro placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t. They’re not worth it. Forget it. Just make sure (Y/N) is okay.”

Kakyoin turned his gaze to you. You shot him a grateful smile, grabbing his hand. “Thank you. They deserved that.”

“They deserve worse, but that doesn’t matter. Are you okay?” he squeezed your hand. You nodded.

“Fine. Assholes exist everywhere, sadly. Let’s just get going. I wanna swim in the hotel pool before it gets dark.”

Polnareff

He locked eyes with you, as though asking for permission to skewer them. You nodded. Normally, you’d always try to keep your eccentric boyfriend in check, but this time you’d make an exception. These assholes deserved what was coming to them. What was coming to them? A rapier wielded by an angry Frenchman’s stand.

“Bonne nuit!” quipped Polnareff before sending Chariot racing into action. You barely had time to process the situation before you—flashes of silver surrounded the men as blood flew every which way. Cuts formed on their bodies almost by magic. They all moaned pathetically, collapsing, as Polnareff recalled his stand. “Don’t ever talk to her, or anyone, like that again, you bastards!” he shouted, arms wrapping around your waist as he pulled you against his chest. He turned you around in his arms, planting a kiss on each of your cheeks. “Are you alright? I’m so sorry you had to hear that, ma cherie.”

You leaned against him, relaxing into his broad chest as you took in the smell of his fancy cologne. “I’m good. Thank you for that.”

“Of course! Nobody talks to you like that and gets away with it! I’ll skewer anyone who tries!”

You glanced at his face, shooting him a look he knew too well. “As long as you want me to, of course!”

You laughed. “C’mon. Let’s get to the hotel. It’s hot.”

Avdol

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668 notes - Posted July 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

917 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #dying at the longest tag one #long post

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torrentide-a · 1 year

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KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

✿ NAME gaige! ✿ PRONOUNS they/them ✿ PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION discord! mostly because tumblr doesn’t,,,like to give me new IM notifs / I have to refresh my whole page to see new IMs, and 90% of the time I forget to respond dfsdkfjp plus I don’t??? even get IM notifications on my phone when I’m in class because of battery saver, so o(-( discord is a big pref for me. ✿ NAME OF MUSE(S) ajax childe foul legacy tartaglia pick one lmAO

✿ EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?) ohhh god I wish I knew. since the early 2000s? my best guess is 15-ish years, give or take.

✿ PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED tumblr, discord, old school fandom chatrooms, forums, dreamwidth, gaia online, myspace (don’t look at me dsfhsdf), msn and skype back in ye olden days,,,,runescape--

✿ BEST EXPERIENCE I think my best experience was in a multifandom chatroom I frequented with my friends in high school. it was just! crossovers galore, and it somehow just made sense. it was so wild and fun! ah I miss the simplicity of it. there was just. not a care in the world about all the little details back then.

✿ RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS posts that go untrimmed kind of annoy me, but I wouldn’t call it a dealbreaker. promoting drama and / or posting a lot of negativity and shitpost-y content to the point where it’s the only thing on my dashboard kind of is, though. o(-( I don’t mind it once in a while, but when it’s the only thing? dsfkhdf none for me, thanks. I also??? hate when people,,,act above other writers,,,,who are only here to ship, like??? man. they’re not hurting you let them (me) write their funny little ships/romance/smut goddamn. why can’t they write things that they like. why do you gotta get so high and mighty about it. I don’t get it. we’re all just here to have a good time and indulge in this dumb little hobby hrhghrhgh

✿ FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT I enjoy all three in no particular order! it really depends on what I’m in the mood for at any given time. I’m always So Soft for fluff; it’s easily my favorite thing to write. but I’ve been kind of on an angst kick lately, and I won’t lie, I’m always down and in the mood for spice LMAO.

✿ PLOTS OR MEMES I like a mixture of the two, tbh. memes are such a nice way to break the ice and explore new scenarios and concepts, but when I don’t have a direction or goal for a thread or a dynamic between two characters, I,,,tend to lose inspo Very Fast aaaa;;;

✿ LONG OR SHORT REPLIES I much prefer to start short and transition to longer replies if / when the inspiration strikes dkfjhsd a lot of people can set up a scene right out the gate, but I’m the opposite where I gotta start with a vague idea and feel it out / build it as I go DSFHSD IT’S WEIRD I KNOW I’M SORRY.

✿ BEST TIME TO WRITE late night / early morning when everyone’s asleep and I have no distractions (I am so easily distracted dsfhdf)

✿ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) I think there are some similarities :thinking: like,,,I enjoy a good challenge (see: if I’m not suffering in a game, then I’m not having fun JKSDFNHD) and my family means the world to me, even if sometimes they’re not all that great, but,,,other than that, I don’t really think so. childe is an outgoing and charismatic go-getter, and I’m,,not LMAO. if there’s any character in genpact that I’m like personality-wise, it’s def tighnari.

tagged by @rosemourne ♥!! tagging nobody; please steal it I’m shy dsfhnsdkfj

#ooc ✦ misc.#THANKS FOR TAGGING ME GOOSE #this was rEALLY FUN AA

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ikilledamanforthisurl · 1 year

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Minami x6 you are okay boss everyone needs to recharge sometimes……. Im actually extremely head empty today so apologies if this is like just Entirely Words V_V But real real…… I wish there was more general discussion of Majima's relationship with his family because iirc it wasn’t even something he asked for initially but he gets it Anyways and now he just has to deal with it. But not only that it soon becomes somehow The Biggest Family in the tojo which leads now to Majima basically being responsible for like so much of the clan to the point where he’s constantly getting threatened because there’s no one else TO threaten anymore the tojo is in such shambles…. and well how are you expecting him to act normally and kindly in this sort of situation. I wish the games took it more seriously because I feel like at least w what we see of Nishida Majima's casual violence and abuse is treated a bit too Jokingly but like I get why he’s Like That. World is a hell the cycles just keep continuing forever! Also nah you’re okay for tangents I also actually love Majima a lot I just feel myself break out into hives whenever I have to witness fandom Majima Family stuff where a lot of it treats it as though it’s just like funny cutesy hahas and not like an Organisation of extremely violent and fucked up people who realistically probably don’t know how to really interact with each other and the interesting ways this could be shown. Like i love shitposts top but come on gang. Png

Also I hope you don’t take this poorly but I have no idea who Aratani is <///3 I couldn’t find him on the wiki and Im not super far yet in the yakuza franchise so you’ll have to excuse me if your points In Regards to majima family members which one actually is taken seriously and which one is not Im just nodding along. But YES real I loooveeeeeee the whole minor theme of like reputation and stories in yakuza…. I think Kiryu is the most notable example of this with how much reverence people put on his name and how it affects like important characters (nishiki most obviously but also Ryuji and the whole debate of “There can only be one dragon” etc) but Majima would definitely also have stories about him that would spread far and wide and it doesn’t matter if they’re true or even real at all because it’s the Image that lingers and that would affect the people around him too most importantly to this discussion Minami. Wants to be somebody ism IS real and i am shaking it around by the neck

Minami might be a lil side character goofy guy but he is my friend and ill put the work into developing him if i must. RGG hire me for my spin off game where you are a employee at Majima construction and you do building minigames and get to hang out with and get to know better Nishida and Minami respectively amen. And i hope the playlist making of one day goes well <33

FEAR NOT! i have pickture of the sulking wretched fiend.....

I'm afraid i don't have a screenshot of him not going on about his whole deal but he's literally patriarch-gunner personified....... Aratani (and most other M.Family men that i'll ever mention for a while besides Minami and Nishida) is a Dead Souls exclusive! i am currently watching a playthru of DS because i've already exposed myself to spoilers a'plenty cause idrc + i think having the most atrocious watchorder of Yakuza is really really funny. We've gone from all of Y0 shown to me by an ex > a lil bit of Y1 > Dead Souls > and then imma do either Y7 or Y3. i enjoy making things harder for myself

also ive had the exact same wishful thinking to myself....... sidecharacter spinoff game...... where u just hang out with them or some shit whatever. most loserific iteration being a Minami focused one because Who Even Wants That but i'll own it idc i have ideas. i have plans. the haters (rggstudios legal team) will sabotage me etc etc. i'd like to think i could have an okay shot at balancing the At First I Lol'd with the But Then I Serioused in a way that's satisfying 'cause both are integral to these characters to me. just like, two more seconds of thinking implications of Anything through would do this series Wonders

but sidetracking cause you mentioned M.Construction and its got me Thinking Again cause like.... i like the idea of balancing Nishida + Minami as opposites in many ways who clash and struggle to fit in with the other. they're not perfect opposites by any means but they function pretty closely. i like stressed, decent Nishida representing the side of the family involved with M.Con while lenient punk twat Minami is firmly planted in the Yakuza side. if Junior Leader is at all involved with a training position then that kind of helps prop up this idea a little bit.... though, ofc, there would be plenty overlap, having so many men on payroll practically requires you to make jobs for them, so it's not like the Family is divided into these two sectors or anything.... lots of mixing of shifts goes down no doubt. whether there is a method to this assignment is another story entirely (probably depends on each person's strengths, abilities, whether they applied for sitework specifically, or as punishment/reward)

(shit i made up territory) Minami is probably assigned to M.Con worksites often.... probably as punishment 'cause you already know this man got the 80HDeez he can't sit still and not cause trouble for the life of him. it both keeps him in one place and occupied while still holding over his head that he Fucked Up, Dummy. oh great, now I gotta deal with Nishida's bullshit (petty squabbling ensues in the office that's my setup to get the two to interact on a regular basis anyways.... there's lots of fun to be had with these two, but so little actually bridges them together. they're SOOO WORSTIES but they work on the other ends of the Family. one's at Oyaji's beck-and-call and the other is kept as far away from Oyaji as possible the millisecond he annoys him a lil too much. one belongs in finance and requires anxiety drugs while the other can't dress himself and needs rehab. oh my god theyre so (crushes them in my hands like putty

#ikildaman shut the fuck up #laughing at being called boss also. me? boss? you have contracted yakuza goon syndrome #i cant even say i hate it its kindof slay.....(guy whose faves are all gang goons #in a strangely beautiful irony Minami probably Does get stories told about him..#theyre just not told with the fearful reverence that Majimas are #Majima basically crawled out of hell kicking and screaming and shrieking and killing. Minami is just a weirdo #(said with love)#everything u say abt Majima nd his Family are so real and true btw you get me you Get It #I NEED A SPOTLIGHT ON THE FAMILY MEN.... I NEED IT NEEOWWW #something beyond using them as plot and joke props. please #i need just one family man to be a Person a little bit. pleeeeeeease #i think Kido is like this a little bit but im not sure. looking forward to meeting him #Rikiya too ohmy god how could i forget

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abigail-nicole · 1 year

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tgcf liveread part 6

moving my liveread of the perfect novel, Heaven Official's Blessing, Tian Guan Ci Fu, by MXTX, from the dying twitter (fuck u elon) to the shitposting haven of tumblr, which hasn't failed us yet. probably just a mtter of time tho. xie lian would understand. anyway, continuing with Book 3, just after the Best Dinner Party in All Of Literature!

originally live tweeted on 3/30/2020:

Xie Lian, baby taizi dianxia, who can now be threatened because he loves someone

HOMOPHOBIC GHOSTS AND THEIR HETERONORMATIVITY

YEAH GET MARRIED!!!! How many times will Hua Cheng have to propose before Xie Lian gets it lol

Yes because when someone normally asks “want to get married” while holding one another in a too-small chair, its a hypothetical

Xie Lian catching feelings

so virtuous so beautiful......makes me plow other people’s fields all day....

Xie Lian, staring at Hua Cheng’s throat as he swallows, deeply upset by the implication that Hua Cheng likes a girl, unable to keep working: Gay Panic

Xie DON’T LOOK AT MY HALF NAKED BOYFRIEND Lian

Hua Cheng, gremlin, delights in teasing him,

OHHHH SHIP SINKING BLACK WATER

now we have a nautical yarn,

Do i spy a Crimson Rain Sought Flower v Ship Sinking Black Water confrontation that will leave our magical girl protagonist scared and aroused

God this scene is so GOOD????????? I’m dying??????? This is the best adventure?????

I cannot WAIT to see this animated oh my god

MAGICAL GIRL XIE LIAN STRIKES AGAIN oh i love him crying emoji

Demon King Hua Cheng oh my god & his magical girl boyfriend

kiiiiiiith

why isn’t I Must Cross The Sea With My Beloved And We Have To Both Lie In A Tiny Coffin, Our Bodies Pressed Together, To Escape The Ship Sinking Black Water more of a trope

What If Our Coffin Boat Breaks, the trope

More like Crimson Rain Sought Flower Crown Martial Prince why did it take me so long to make this joke oh my god

hahaha sexy times in a coffin while floating in the lair of the black water demon ....just hualian things

oh my god these idiots WHY DIDNT YOU BUILD A BIGGER ONE IM SCREAMING

Hua Cheng telling Pei Ming to go kill himself........... legend

this is also gonna blow my mind when it’s animated. Spiritual detective boyfriends! we love to see it!

why haven’t I commented on qingxuan/ming yi romance before this????? Am I an idiot????

an earth god and his genderqueer partner? we also love to see it

oh wait I’m idiot

This plotting is incredible???? (except for the Go Have Sexual Tension In A Coffin which was plot unnecessary but everyone is happy about it anyway)....everything else is so well done?????

AHHSJDJDJSHAHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD I NEVER SAW THIS COMING I AM IDIOT

i wont post the spoiler bc its all mxtx wanted was to not share that spoiler.... but i reiterates this author note is pure evil

MING YI IS STILL HERE TO PROTECT SQX I STILL SHIP IT. HARDER

A FASTER, BIGGER SHIP. CHAPTER 124 ON MING YI/SHI QINGXUAN

listen I actually love the Ghost Kings being friends. I imagine them hanging out & playing cards together in Ghost City

Ming Yi CARES ABOUT SHI QINGXUAN

listen qingxuan & xie lian are gonna sit around & have dinner with their ghost king boyfriendOH MY GOD THIS ALREADY HAPPENED!!!!!!!! I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHEN I SAID THAT DINNER WAS A BLESSING!!!!!!

a) I ficking love He Xuan’s backstory

B) excuse me why do I now know more about He Xuan than HUA CHENG, OUR LOVE INTEREST, THE PERPETUALLY MYSTERIOUS CRIMSON RAIN SOUGHT FLOWER, I

The way Ghosts Kings (ghosts?) value Knowing Even When (Especially When) It’s Bad ..... excuse me while I pull up this “TERM PAPER Villains and Dumb Babies: the Fool, The Hero, And Moral Complexity In The Hero’s Journey.doc”

Ghost Kings Say IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE!

Did I think there could be an mxtx novel without Brotherly Self Sacrifice? The only thing I know about mxtx is that they’re not an only child lol

so, from another perspective, it makes zero sense that xie lian would even be there to see any of this in the first place, even though limited third person POV dictates that we must see everything through his eyes, but on the other hand,,,,KITH

They now make out all the time but never get any emotional mileage out of it!!!!!

aghahaha i take it back I like general pei “what the heck” god bless this translator i love them

Oh no I was looking up Crimson Rain Sought Flower characters (血雨探花) and spoiled something for myself oh no. Its not like i know even a single character in chinese why did I think “oh I should look at these characters”

wait I wanna stop & talk about Xie Lian doing a crushing kiss and then shouting his ultimate magical girl power move “SOUL SUMMONING SPELL!” as a real MOON PRINCESS HALATION moment

It’s a STARLIGHT HONEYMOON THERAPY KISS! I know way too many of sailor moon’s attacks i should probably feel more ashamed but im just thinking.....meatball head Sailor Flower Crown Martial Prince....neo-dianxia xie lian....his transformation sequence....

I was wrong hes not a himbo he’s purebred Magical Girl. they share characteristics

There’s even a Millenium Silver Crystal.....clearly Hua Cheng’s ring....why did I spoil that for myself like idiot....i am fool.

Okay sorry I’m off my tangent & back to Mistress 9, I mean He Xuan,

He Xuan LOVES Shi Qingxuan and..... I’m just going with that

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW, SIR,

lol i almost feel bad for qi rong but also....Bro You Can Just Leave.... except we need you for comic effect to interrupt the makeouts

okay this seems like the end of the black water arc and a good chance to break this archive of a livetweet. returning shortly

#tgcf #tgcf liveread

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koris-crumbs · 2 years

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I’m Here For The Entertainment

Prev-Chapter six-Next

A My Hero Academia group chat story

Warnings: Cursing, and Shoto does make one slightly sexual comment but that’s pretty much it

Pairings: Pining dekubaku, established and cute momojirou, and some flirty Seroroki

A/N: This chapter is a bit shorter again, it’s mainly a shitpost chapter if anything, but I still find it funny either way. Hope you guys do too!

~~~

TheNewBestie is online.

BigBakuSimp is online.

NonbinaryBastard is online.

NonbinaryBastard: LMAOOO

BigBakuSimp: betrayed by my best friend

TheNewBestie: midoriya please

BigBakuSimp: I’m leaving our monthlong friendship

TheNewBestie: midoriya

MochiCheeks is online.

Yaomomo is online.

Yaomomo: Oh no what happened?

MochiCheeks: shoto didn’t tell me he had a crush on hanta either deku it’s okay

MochiCheeks: me and the bestie getting through grief together

BigBakuSimp: girl I

BigBakuSimp: ocha

MochiCheeks: what

NonbinaryBastard: he loves me 🥴😩

TheNewBestie: oh so I see we just spilling secrets now

TheNewBestie: hey jirou ochako was the one who ate the mochi you were saving

MochiCheeks: YOURE DEAD TO ME

MochiCheeks: I FORGOT HANTA WAS IN HERE NOW IM SORRY

NonbinaryBastard: I’ve been in here for the past weeks babes

NonbinaryBastard: in your defense most of us haven’t been online tho

NonbinaryBastard: imagine being me and having to take extra classes tonight bc Midnight conked me out

MochiCheeks: imagine being Mineta and the only reason you’re being a hero is bc that’s the only way you think you’ll get pussy 🤢

TheNewBestie: he’s not coming for just pussy

BigBakuSimp: HELP

BigBakuSimp: I NOW KNOW TRUE FEAR

MochiCheeks: NO HES AFTER DEKU

BigBakuSimp: he’s been lurking ),:

BigBakuSimp: me and Todoroki after making a narrow escape from Mineta

MochiCheeks: me and the boys after floating Mineta into the sun

Yaomomo: I don’t condone unnecessary violence but I agree

BigBakuSimp: oh honey this is v necessary

NonbinaryBastard: so shoto about that little comment saying you had a crush on me

TheNewBestie: oh look at that I gotta get back to training

NonbinaryBastard: you can’t run forever

TheNewBestie: no seriously Aizawa looks like he’s about to punt me

NonbinaryBastard: oh nvm then bby go be a good student

BigBakuSimp: I’m so glad Tiger gave me a break but he keeps coming by giving me the side eye

BigBakuSimp: I think he wants me to get up 😖

BigBakuSimp: SHO I THOUGHT YOU SAID MR AIZAWA WAS BY YOU

TheNewBestie: he was???

BigBakuSimp: YOURE LIKE AT LEAST A MILE AWAY FROM ME HOW DID HE GET HERE SO FAST

MochiCheeks: MR WORLDWIDE

BigBakuSimp: don’t you dare bring pitbull into this

MochiCheeks: on another note I’m about to vomit

MochiCheeks: aoyama bout to have irritable bowel syndrome

BigBakuSimp: DHAODNWODNEOR HELP

MochiCheeks: IM SERIOUS

MochiCheeks: sero stopping by for a visit gimme a sec

Yaomomo: I feel a bit queasy too now that Ochako mentioned it

BigBakuSimp: aren’t they making you eat and create non-stop??

Yaomomo: yes ):

Yaomomo: me and Sato

Yaomomo: midoriya do you know if Kyokas taking her break yet?

BigBakuSimp: I cant see her from here, I’m sorry ):

Yaomomo: it’s okay

Yaomomo: I have you after all

BigBakuSimp: yeah!

BigBakuSimp: I’ll be moral support for as long as Tiger lets me

Yaomomo: are you alright from yesterday’s little incident with Kota?

BigBakuSimp: physically yes emotionally never again

Yaomomo: 😭😭😭

TheNewBestie: not bakugo laughing as if he doesn’t wanna be the one touching your dick

BigBakuSimp: TODOROKI

Yaomomo: DONT MAKE ME LAUGH IM GONNA CHOKE

TheNewBestie: WHY ARE YOU TEXTING WHILE TRAINING

BigBakuSimp: WHY ARE YOU??

MochiCheeks: on the toilet yall

BigBakuSimp: GIRL DID AOYAMA GIVE YOU HIS IRRITABLE BOWELS?

TheNewBestie: are we all gonna ignore how Ochako announced her presence

MochiCheeks: yeah

Yaomomo: I CHOKED AND SATO GAVE ME A CONCERNED LOOK

Yaomomo: HE SAW THE CHAT YALL

BigBakuSimp: ITS OKAY SATO WONT TELL

MochiCheeks: sato number one

Yaomomo: I ASKED HIM NOT TO TELL AND HE SAID HE WOULDNT BUT HE WANTED TO BE ADDED LATER ON

BigBakuSimp: FINALLY SOMEONE WHO WONT MAKE FUN OF MY CRUSH ON KACCHAN

NonbinaryBastard: GUYS I DID AN OOPSIES

NonbinaryBastard: I RAN INTO BAKUGO AND HE SAW MY PHONE SCREEN SOMEHOW AND STARTED YELLING ABOUT WHY I WAS TEXTING MIDORIYA

MochiCheeks: it’s giving jealousy

NonbinaryBastard: RUNNING FOR MY LIFE RN

NonbinaryBastard: MIDORIYA HELP

BigBakuSimp: suddenly I cannot see

BigBakuSimp: HOW DID HE KNOW IT WAS ME

NonbinaryBastard: I WAS LOOKING AT OUR PRIVATE DMS AND HE SAW THAT NOT THE GC DW

BigBakuSimp: IM STILL WORRYING

BigBakuSimp: LITERALLY THE LAST THING WE TALKED ABOUT WAS PITBULL IM SHITTING

NonbinaryBastard: HE KNOWS ABOUT MR WORLDWIDE OH NO

MochiCheeks: well while you two are having a crisis, I’m off the toilet

Yaomomo: I have stopped choking (:

TheNewBestie: and we’ve all gotta get back to training before Iida or Aizawa rips us a new one

Yaomomo: right, I’ll text you guys soon for updates!

MochiCheeks: talk to you guys later!

TheNewBestie: bye bitches

BigBakuSimp: SERO DONT BRING HIM OVER HERE

NonbinaryBastard: IF I GO DOWN IM TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME

#bnha #bakudeku #dkbk #izuku midoriya #shoto todoroki #fanfic #mha #mha fanfiction #ochako uraraka #momo yaoyozoru #momojirou #hanta sero #seroroki

30 notes · View notes

ennoshawty · 3 years

Text

HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu captains #daichi sawamura #oikawa toru #kuroo tetsuro #kita shinsuke #ushijima wakatoshi #bokuto kotaro #x reader

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leodiniles · 2 years

Note

ooh 008 the little girl her story is cool ok so im getting that she was a child actor in some religious children show and maybe her parents and adults in her life are religious too and so she spoils herself with the money she makes rather than giving it away and she helps the cat with medicine rather than faith and they don't like that and idk maybe she kills her parents or pastor or something idk but religious trauma is such a cool murder motive

i love that it's pretty much a universal experience for people to see amane's story as religion or cult related which honestly, fair. i don't think that she seems to be hoarding money, the scene you're referring to is probably the one where she and the yellow mascot are getting money. it's somewhat agreed upon that they're getting donations for their organisation, which can be common in cults.

OH kazui is very interesting. while it does seem to be a clear cut "woman dies after her husband cheats on her", there is some plausibility that he hasn't cheated on her, but rather that his wife is the bar lady. evidence includes kazui still wearing his ring during the scenes, and the woman having a similar hair colour (she in the present could've dyed her hair before or after) to the bride topper in kazui's birthday art (yes we analyse birthday art. we are desperate). the death could've come from kazui being too insecure or anxious to truly discuss their possibly failing marriage, wanting to break from an arranged marriage, or taking things more in-mv by wanting to focus on becoming a bar owner.

mikoto my love… while it does seem to be common interpretation, i do think the DID theory is a red herring. shite representation of a stigmatised disorder aside, kotoko straight up says that he might have it in his voice drama (infamous for being the only one where a prisoner managed to hurt es). i feel like it's… way to obvious for it to be the case? some theorise that he could've self-hypnotised or is just straight up lying.

at best if they do lead with the DID story, i'm assuming that they're trying to "flip" it by having his "evil" alter be the innocent person, and mikoto having done the actual murders.

HELP cannibalism is somewhat of a common shitpost theory. i don't think he's eating anyone, but you're pretty on track with a lot lf people agreeing that his victims were patients, whether he killed intentionally or not.

for being the first prisoner, haruka is honestly incredibly confusing. i don't think he's in MILGRAM for the dog's death (iirc, the term they're using in jpn means human murderer), but we don't have any idea who he could've killed, aside from his childhood friend or mother.

#longish post #milgram

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slytherins-heir · 3 years

Text

Niragi As Your Boyfriend (imo)

I can’t get this scenario out of my head so jdhgjkhdjad Ik some ppl might not agree with me but hey, it’s my opinion and in no way cannon, everyone’s gonna have a different idea to me This is a whole ass shitpost and im not sorry -mentions of adult themes, so 18+ like all of my posts-

-imagine being the one that stood up for him in highschool so you quickly developed a bond w him -but the bullying never stopped, but you would try your best -after a while though, feelings happened and a relationship started -you slowly watched him become cold towards everyone else -but to you, he was different -once you got to the borderlands, you saw him completely lose control of himself though, but yet with you it was still kind of the Niragi you knew -i say kind of because when stuff was getting.. Let's say heated… he would either be like his old self and be quite loving -other times.. Man’s would be like an unhinged animal -he literally would be so protective of you -he’d never let you go to a game alone so he could protect you, almost in repayment of you standing up to him for all those years -you know he wouldn’t ever leave your side and be so overprotective -but he��d be the jealous type -especially if you were talking with Chishiya, considering their relationship -he’d constantly make sure everyone knew you were his -and people learned quickly if they got closer to you than he was comfortable with… well they signed a death wish -he’d always walk around with his arm around you, making sure to keep you close -but he’d make sure people didn’t take you as a weakness -but in fact you were his only weakness -compared to what he’d be like in public, once alone he would always be soft with you -if he learned you were any way scared of him, it would probably break his heart -that’s why he would always make sure to treat you like a queen -imagine just laying in bed with him -he’d always let you lay your head on his chest and hold you tight to him -he’d love playing with your hair as you both laid there -and you’d be happy laying in silence because it would remind you of the old Niragi -it would’ve broken your heart seeing him slowly change, but because of how he never treated you any differently, your feelings would never change -because of how intensely he feels anger, i feel like he’d have the same intensity with love -and boy.. He would love you so much -he would always cover your face in kisses -mans would worship you, and you would do the same -it would be unhealthy though, staying with someone like that but you couldn’t bring yourself to leave him bc of how much you loved him -but the times he wasn’t being a soft boy… -man would you be in for it -sometimes when he was pissed off as fuck, you knew what would be coming -he’d be rough as hell in bed, that’s definitely when his daddy kink would kick in -he wouldn’t care about everyone hearing when he fucked you when he was in a mood -in his eyes, the more people that knew who you belonged to, the better -and you loved it -he’d be the same if you ever pissed him off -he wouldn’t hurt you physically or mentally -but he’d almost literally fuck the life out of you -but after he’d go back to the Niragi he was before, making sure you were okay -he’d be worried if he hurt you -you’d let him know he didn’t, but he wouldn’t stop making sure and covering you with kisses -i swear im not tearing up writing this okay, i have a soft niragi problem -you get the idea, imma go cry now thank u x

#alice in borderland #niragi x reader #imawa no kuni no alice #im crying #i know hes a psycho okay lemme just be soft for once #dori sakurada #suguru niragi #aib netflix #manga #anime #weeb #yes big weeb #i kinda love him #i shouldn't #he's a bad person #i know hes a bad person dw #but its kind of soft hours okay #thanks #gonna cry now

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yanbub · 3 years

Text

multiple announcements coming through !

okok first of all, im back 😋. as in ill be fully active again like usual xdxd.

i know i didn't seem like i was on a semi-hiatus but shhh i had to take care of things and i had to fix my mental stability too.

i'm really sorry that i didn't reply to my inbox while i was gone !! i was very unmotivated to reply during the whole break even tho i rbed some ask games LOL. ill reply to them later so your wait won't be that long anymore !

thank you all 4 ur patience and efforts 💞

pls read the other announcements utc! its all important and i just cut it so that it wont clog up other's dashboards.

second of all, the blog will go a heavy revamp session! please don't mind the spam posting, it'll just be me organizing my blog all over again.

the revamp will include the following:

a new tagging system

(finally) an official post for my blog rules, writing rules, etc. i know i have a carrd for that but im tired of editing it every now and then

a clean up! ill be deleting some old posts such as my shitposts and some other miscellaneous things i want out of this blog. and sadly, this includes the requests that was left in my inbox. sorry that you didn't get your request done ^^'

i think thats p much it? again dont mind the spam posting you'll see when this is in progress!

asks will be answered AFTER this revamp session is done.

third, a new character for the character list! thoma is added now. as for gorou, well, that's still dependable since i haven't grasped his personality yet with the little interaction we got from the archon quests. ill try writing for him but only on specific and self indulgent ideas.

not that important but new theme hehe. ive had this theme on pc for a while now but i wanted to change it on mobile once im back from the break. anyways stan remi ayasaki for clear skin yalls

to explain further about me deleting requests in my inbox, as you saw during my break i only posted self indulgent content.

i don't really wanna open requests for a while since i have so many self indulgent ideas that i wanna focus on. the ideas that you sent in were honestly great but im sorry that i won't be able to write it :((

though there might be times that i won't be writing because deadass i post content almost everyday, i need a break too 🧍‍♀️.

HOWEVER! if you're willing to send in some brainrot at my inbox, ill be more than glad to whip up a small blurb/ficlet for you! or maybe ill add more onto that brainrot, who knows really.

YEAH THAT'S ALL IT FEELS GREAT TO BE BACK HOLY SHIT HWK2HKDHDJDJDJCJC

anyways if you reached this part of the post, congrats! you're probs the only one who bothered to read all the important announcements.

ill be off to revamp the blog now and istg ill finally answer asks after that 😭 i missed interacting w yall but i swear my motivation said no <//3

bye bye now, ty for reading <33

#🍥 ; announcement

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queenlua · 3 years

Note

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue. see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP. and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP. so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on. there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc. you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

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