#so instead we will clean around him

[bambambambino]

Big time case of "I dont want to go outside" happening right now

[toytulini]

the white corys were so fucking easy to scoop out on Saturday. zero prey instinct. no attempt to escape or avoid at all. if i didnt already know theyre just Like This id think they were sick. theyre just stupid. theyre going to give me an ego thatll be defeated the first time i try to scoop any other fish

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[hamartia-grander]

Yippee my mother is going on a business trip for 6 days and my f*ther is so incompetent I have to be the sole parent while she's gone yippee

[im2tired4usernames]

I want their fuckin freedom they have no chores no responsibility they can go out with their friends when ever they want for however long they want they can sleep in there bed all day they eat drink drive vehicles use the phone have a home with no bills no expenses they can spend their money on stupid things that bring them joy with no worry of the gas they burned in someone else's vehicle or if there's dinner at home they have no worries about laundry no worries about dishes no worries about the messes they make because they know I'll clean it up always I want to be viewed by my family and by my friends as someone who is an actual person with limits and boundaries and who has goals and dreams they'd like to accomplish in the day besides laundry for 16 people and not a tireless cleaning machine. I want to be able to rest and have hobbies I want to be able to do things with my partner and my friends again I want to be able to fuckin daydream and make up stories again for Christ sake I want to feel like a person and not a corpse forced into playing "tradwife" I want the freedom they all have while I'm in the background doin they're dishes.

[bylertruther]

will didn't win against henry in s2 because he was struggling due to the anniversary effect AND because he felt like a freak with how much everyone was babying him and treating him like he couldn't handle anything on his own anymore.

in season four, we see that he's still affected by what others think or could think of him ("sometimes i think it's just scary to open up like that to the people you care about the most, because what if they don't like the truth?") he wants to open up, he wants to be understood, but he's understandably too scared to.

then, we end the season with him knowing that the worst is yet to come ("something is coming.. something hungry for blood.. a shadow grows on the wall behind you, swallowing you in darkness. it's almost here.") and likely feeling more sure than ever in thinking there's absolutely no way he could ever have a chance with mike, especially not after that monologue and his week of pushing (not that will probably thought he did anyway, but still lol.)

his next live-or-die encounter with henry in s5 will likely be even scarier now that the world is at stake and monsters roam the streets, but he'll eventually be surrounded by so much unwavering love and support for his true self, have his own experiences to fall back on, and his own BELIEF in HIMSELF that he WILL stand up to henry again and WIN this time. the battle will come and he'll have so much light in him at this point that it casts away and overpowers what darkness still dwells within that henry could try to use to his advantage. he won't roll a 7, he won't freeze, he won't be left screaming for his life in a field. he'll come of age, he'll cast fireball, and he'll win!!!! AND I'LL WATCH!!!!!! 📣

[chthonic-kelpie]

Every time Zagreus dies, he leaves behind a body. Someone has to clean up behind him. For a small fee, of course.

Happy Halloween! This is the last in a series of ficlets on this premise written over the course of October. The rest are on Ao3 (link above) and posted here with the tag “charon’s disposal service.”

9. A Significant Death

Rating: T

Wordcount: 1,339

Summary: Zagreus reaches a milestone.

-

The Styx cradled Zagreus gently as he re-formed and returned to consciousness. It was like waking up slowly, half-dreaming until he realized he was awake. Zagreus opened his eyes. Light glimmered through the ruby waters, growing brighter as he rose. Zagreus always found himself floating upwards when he was ready to return to life.

When he broke the surface, a chorus of cheers made him jump. “Congratulations!”

“I…what?” Zagreus rubbed the water out of his eyes. A small crowd was gathered around the pool of Styx: Hypnos, Thanatos, Megaera, Dusa…even Achilles had somehow managed to get away from his post, and Charon, who Zagreus had seen maybe twice inside the House in his entire life, had stopped by. Zagreus smiled as he stepped out of the pool and onto the rug. “This is new. Why don’t I get this kind of reception every time I die?”

“Ghhrrrrnnnnnhhhh,” groaned Charon.

“It’s a special occasion, Zagreus,” said Thanatos, taking a towel from the rack and handing it to Zagreus.

Zagreus smirked at him. “What, not going to help me dry off?”

Thanatos’s cheeks glowed faintly. He motioned with his head to the rest of the group. “In front of…?”

“Oh, alright.” Thanatos wasn’t big on PDA, which made it fun to tease him about it, but Zagreus wouldn’t tease to the point of pressuring him. He took the towel, ruffled it through his hair, and quickly toweled off his arms and legs. “A special occasion?” he repeated, draping the towel over his shoulders. It couldn’t be an anniversary, or it wouldn’t make sense for everyone else to be here, too. Had he missed some big pronouncement? Maybe he’d finally made Employee of the month, although if that was the case, it seemed a little rude for everyone to rub in how rare that was. “Er, could someone fill me in?”

“This is the one hundredth time you’ve died!” Hypnos said cheerfully. “It’s an impressive accomplishment. You should be proud! Why, even Meg hasn’t—”

Megaera loudly cleared her throat to interrupt him. “I don’t know if ‘proud’ is the word I’d use, but it’s some kind of milestone. So, congrats.”

“One hundred, really?” Zagreus let out a low whistle. “I guess that is sort of a big deal.”

“Ghhoooaaaaahhh,” Charon agreed.

“It never hurts to find a reason for celebration, lad,” said Achilles. “I can’t be away from my post long, but I wanted to come by and congratulate you. Luckily, your father went straight to his chambers after he returned, but I can’t have him see me absent from my post.”

Hypnos’s perpetual smile widened. “Don’t worry about him, he’ll be down for a while. I gave him a really nice dream.”

What was a “really nice” dream for Hades? A world without satyrs, maybe. Or a son who…no, Zagreus would rather not go down that route. “Wow, um…thank you, guys. I’m not sure what to say. I’m amazed you all managed to coordinate this, with how busy you all are.”

“It was Hypnos’s idea. He…writes a lot of things down,” said Dusa, clearly restraining herself from listing all the other ways Hypnos could spend his time instead of writing things down.

Hypnos, oblivious to the impatience in her voice, beamed. “Gee, thanks! But I can’t take full credit. Meg had the idea first. We were chatting once, after you killed her, Zag, and I said, ‘you know, pretty soon Zagreus will have died a hundred times!’ and she said, ‘Wow, really? We should have a party!’”

Meg looked at Zagreus, raising her eyebrows to invite him in on the joke. “What I actually said was, ‘Wow. Really? We should have a party,’” she repeated, in a much more sarcastic tone. “But it did sound like fun, once it all came together.”

“—And then I tried to tell Than, but he just ignored me—you know how he pretends that he doesn’t want to talk to me, he’s such a joker!”

Zagreus shot a look at Thanatos and attempted to silently say, we talked about this. Thanatos frowned and muttered, “I’m working on it.”

“—so then I told Achilles and Dusa, and they loved the idea!” Hypnos concluded, with a clap of his hands. “So they told Than, because I guess he doesn’t do that joke with anyone else—they probably wouldn’t get it, anyway—and he managed to get ahold of Charon, who said—”

“Hhhgghhhhhh,” said Charon.

Hypnos beamed. “Exactly!”

Dusa piped up, “And I thought this would be a great use for the lounge, now that it’s renovated, and…” She lowered her voice. “You know that, um, that stuff you gave me, Zagreus—uh, for the lounge? Would it be alright if we opened some?”

Zagreus’s grin widened. “It would be more than alright. In fact, I have a fresh bottle I can contribute, straight from Elysium.” He tossed the damp towel aside. “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s get to the lounge. Oh—Sorry, Dusa,” he added to Dusa, who had darted over to catch the towel before it hit the ground. “Nice catch, though.”

Achilles cleared his throat. “I really ought to get back to my post. Charon?”

“Rhhhhrrggghhh.” Charon stepped forward. Only now did Zagreus realize he was hiding one hand beneath his robes, and that something lumpy distorted their shape.

“We got you something,” Megaera explained. “We all chipped in, because Charon made us pay for it. Well, except Than, because it made him ‘queasy.’”

“It’s just a bit macabre,” Thanatos said defensively.

Zagreus chuckled. “You’re the embodiment of death, Than.”

Thanatos made a face. “Okay, but…Just show him, Charon.”

“Aeeeeghhhh.” From inside his robes, Charon pulled his hand out to reveal…

“A…skull!” said Zagreus, trying to sound enthusiastic. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected. Something showier, after all that buildup.

“You like skulls, right?” said Hypnos. “They’re all over your house. You even wear them.”

Zagreus glanced down at the miniature skull on his belt buckle, then twisted to look at the three animal skulls at his shoulder. He could see how someone could get the impression that he really liked skulls. He took the skull from Charon and held it up with both hands to look at it. It was too big to use as a fashion accessory or a paperweight. He supposed he could talk to it when he felt like monologuing. “Yeah, skulls are great. Quite an appropriate way to commemorate my 100th death. Thanks!”

Megaera grinned. “It’s not just any skull, Zagreus. It’s your skull.”

Zagreus blinked at her. “In the sense that it belongs to me? I guess so, yeah.”

“No,” said Thanatos, his voice sounding strained. “It’s…um.”

“It’s your skull,” said Dusa. “From…when you died?” she lowered her voice, like she wasn’t sure if she should be talking about Zagreus’s death. “From your head.”

“Think of it as a trophy,” said Achilles. “But a trophy of your own personal growth.”

“Or think of it as an incredibly cool keepsake,” Megaera suggested.

Thanatos shuddered. “I prefer to avoid thinking of it at all, but that’s just me.”

“My skull?” It struck Zagreus suddenly how identical in size and shape the skull was to his own head. The eye sockets stared blankly back at him. Was this what mortals meant by “contemplating their mortality?” Zagreus shut his eyes and shook his head. “Wait—That doesn’t make sense. This is a joke, right? Gods don’t leave behind bodies when they die. If I did, there’d be a hundred corpses piled around the Underworld. Even taking the shifting rooms into account, there’d be a dozen in Meg’s chamber alone.” He looked around at his friends, waiting for them to burst into laughter and admit that they’d pranked him. They didn’t. “…Right?”

Megaera made a face. Achilles shot Charon an odd look. Dusa said, “Ummmm…”

“You want to take this one, Charon?” said Thanatos, running a hand through his hair.

All eyes turned to Charon, who avoided looking at any of them. Shuffling his feet, he groaned, “Huuuaaaaghhh.”

[sensitivegoblin]

If anyones up for sexting or roleplaying pls hmu

[ur-stepdad]

there's an improviser i hate who surrounds himself with really talented cohosts and he's on 2 DIFFERENT PODCASTS that i was just thinking about giving up on, because he's so fucking annoying to me, but this week both shows had such funny episodes, because his scene partners are sooo funny but he was annoying the whole time. why must i suffer fools in this way

[megaclaudiolis]

柄本佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第二十六回 「いけにえの姫」

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[actual-corpse]

A member of the Boomer generation said, to my face, that EVERYONE should be required to work customer service for at least a year so they can learn how to treat other people with respect ("other people" being EMPLOYEES)

[blushinggoku]

Recently I went into the DBS fandom wiki to read about the Goku Black/Future Trunks arc, because I haven't watched DBS past the Tournament of Power and the concept of Goku Black intrigued me so much. I'm so glad I didn't waste my time watching the episodes because Jesus

[obsesssedblerd]

“Oh, Nanaminnnn!” 

At the familiar, cheery voice, Kento looks up to see no one other than Satoru Gojo, leaning against the doorframe of his office with his usual grin. “Saw with my Six Eyes that you came to fill out those reports here instead of doing it from home. Been so long since you showed your face here and—” He cuts himself off with an excited gasp, then walks closer as his smile grows wider. “You brought my little mochi!”

In Kento’s left arm, his daughter—who had woken up from her nap about ten minutes ago—coos excitedly when Satoru enters her vision, reaching her hands towards him. “Well, hello there, sweetheart! I was wondering when I’d see you again!” He slides his hands under her plush arms, then picks her up, skillfully—and safely, Kento notes—holding her in his arms. Tiny hands brush against Satoru’s blindfold, and he lifts it so his niece can see his blue eyes. They immediately soften when the baby girl laughs when he gently tickles her tummy. 

It’s so cute that Kento can’t stop the corner of his mouth from lifting. 

“Wait—Did I hear that right?! Nanamin’s here?!” 

“Itadori, wait for us!” 

“Kugisaki, you dropped your bag—Oh, come on, guys, slow down!” 

Rapid footsteps approach, then the three first years appear at the door, gasping in unison. 

“Oh, my gosh!” Yuuji, the pink-haired teenager shouts as he points at the baby in Satoru’s arms. “Nanamin, when did you have a baby?!” 

Nobara’s question comes a split-second after Yuuji’s is finished. “Is that why [Y/L/N]-sensei quit a while ago?!” 

Megumi walks to stand beside Satoru to analyze the little bundle in his teacher’s arms. “She’s… adorable.” He mumbles, gently smiling when she wraps her hand around his finger. “Very adorable. She has [Y/L/N]-sensei’s laugh.”

“Isn’t she just so precious?” Satoru asks, proudly showing her off to the first years. “So sweet and friendly, just like her Uncle Gojo.” 

“Hopefully she won’t be as reckless as you,” Kento says as he holds his hands out, and Satoru returns his daughter to him. “[Y/N] and I already believe that she’ll be the exact opposite of me.” 

Yuuji sits beside Kento to get a closer look at her. “She���s so cute. How old is she, Nanamin?” 

“Four months as of yesterday.” 

Nobara crosses her arms and pouts. “How come only he knew?” She asks, gesturing to Satoru. 

“Well, when I had to go away on a long mission, she was only a month old,” Kento explains. “He kept an eye on her and [Y/N] for me; made sure that they were both safe. I’m very grateful. We had plans to tell you about our daughter soon.” 

“Where is she now?” Megumi asks. 

“At home. I wanted her to have the morning and most of the afternoon to herself. I’ll be heading back shortly.” 

Satoru and the students share similar looks with each other, and Kento knows what they want to ask. He pulls out his phone and dials your number. “Hi, baby,” you greet when the line connects, “how’s our girl?” 

“Hi, love. She’s amazing, as always,” he says as he looks down, playfully poking the little one’s nose. “I’m with Gojo and our students. They want to know if it’s alright to come and see you.” 

“We’ll cook dinner if you’re too tired!” Nobara chimes in hopefully.

“Actually, better yet, I can just order something for everyone,” Satoru suggests. 

“And we’ll clean up,” Yuuji and Megumi say at the same time. 

You laugh, then answer Kento, “That’s more than alright. Bring them here.” 

“Thought you’d say that. See you in a bit.” 

“Yes!” Yuuji cheers. “Alright, I’m gonna ride with Nanamin so I can sit next to the baby!” 

Nobara glares at him. “Not if I get to the car first!!” 

When they sprint out the door, Megumi groans before rushing after them. “Didn’t I just tell you guys to slow down? We’re going to the same place!” 

Satoru laughs, then waits for Kento to finish up so they can walk out together. 

—

there was an ask in my inbox requesting a cute drabble for dad! nanami ft. gojo (as a trusted friend of his) and the first years, but it disappeared. hope u like it, anon <3 

[my-life-as-a-teenage-titan]

My cat smokey passed away last night from old age. He was 19 and a half years old. I was there the day he was born and I was there the day he passed. Been my best friend for almost my whole life. The kindest and happiest cat I've ever met. Almost always purring and was at his happiest when picked up or on someone's lap. You sat down and he would come running to cuddle up to you every time. He wasn't doing well last night before he passed so I'm sure he's in a much better place. Love you buddy.

[seat-safety-switch]

When we were kids, we didn't have access to cool power tools. Every summer, when the soapbox derby race was coming, we'd break into my neighbour's garage while he was at work. Then, we'd use his drill press, lathe, table saw, all the fun tools. Over the course of a week, a race car was produced, which is more than the workshop ever made during the rest of the year.

Sure, we could have asked him if we could have borrowed his tools, but no doubt he would want to be there to supervise. And then he'd want to help. We'd never get done while we were busy indulging the suburb-tinged fantasies of someone who didn't take wood shop and chose instead to idly worship at the altar of Television Presents: The Fantasy of Bob Vila in adulthood.

One year, Old Man Garrett got a security system. Probably this was because Ted (fucking Ted) didn't clean up the sawdust that one time like we asked him to. The old man must have seen the footprint, and realized that he did not wear size-seven Nikes. Child thieves, casing his precious table saw! Now, our humble breaking-and-entering had become significantly more difficult than "reach a coat hanger under the door and pull the emergency release."

With the help of some of the high-school kids who were taking electronics class, we managed to defeat the security system. We did so using an ancient Japanese technique known as "distract Old Man Garrett while he's setting it, and then cut the wires to the panel." I think it loses something in translation, but you get the gist of it. That year's car was especially sweet.

In adulthood, I got drunk and bragged to some work buddies about our little scam. They responded in abject horror, because I was still occupying the weird hump in the middle of a normal distribution of "acceptable crimes." It was terrifying to them to see one of their own, one of the suburbanites, speak openly about largely-harmless property crimes. What if we had been hurt, they shrieked. Around the water cooler, I would become a pariah, unless I could make amends.

I did hunt down Old Man Garrett after that, still feeling the sting of rejection. He was still on the property, and he still had a beautiful collection of immaculate cabinet-making tools in the garage. I rang his doorbell and, when he answered, I told him the whole story. He laughed.

"I knew it was you dumb shits from the beginning," he bragged. "Fucking Ted -"

"Fucking Ted," I echoed, unconsciously.

"Fucking Ted left his library book on building race cars behind on the workbench that first year. You didn't let him drive, did you?"

I shook my head. "We ran the car into him if the hockey-stick brakes ever failed."

We had a good laugh about the whole thing that evening, and I returned to work with my soul cleansed. It's just a pity Ted didn't know how bad he actually was at crime, before he tried to knock over that liquor store and all.