#so many movies are so blandly formulaic!

[theorderofthetriad]

"it was too funny" is by far the weirdest criticism i've heard of a marvel movie- especially a Thor movie- yet.

[tvmoviechristmas]

Christmas on the Menu (Lifetime, 2020)

Someone’s developing tastebuds...

Starring: Kim Shaw, Clayton James, Cynthia Gibb, Katrina Norman

Plot Synopsis: Josie, a celebrated chef heads home for the holidays and creates a special Holiday menu for her mom's new bed and breakfast bistro, where she runs into Tanner, the famous food critic who panned her old bakery in a review. Soon, a holiday romance begins to blossom between them just in time for Christmas. (x)

In My Humble Opinion: Finally, we are at the final ten reviews of the year. The finish line is closer than ever, and it’s time to gear up for the final sprint. I always liken the blogging season to a marathon, and there is a part of me that feels a little more spirited when I get to the final miles so to speak.

There is also a part of me that feels a little exhausted. Once you have seen 90+ Christmas movies in an eight week span, everything begins to feel repetitive. There’s not a plot that you haven’t seen in some variation before. There’s not a trope you haven’t seen a hundred times already. Sometimes my note taking feels less like new observations and more like a catalogue system. 

Every single part of Christmas on the Menu, I could link to some other 2020 movie. A chef who falls in love with a critic who wrote her a bad review? That was in Love, Lights, Hanukkah!. A parent worrying about review for their new bed and breakfast venture? Five Star Christmas had that. An evil editor willing to change words around for a more sizzling story? That was part of Christmas Unwrapped. To top it all off, this is the third film of the season from writer-director Jake Helgren, who also made Dashing in December and A Very Charming Christmas Town this year.

All of what has happened in Christmas on the Menu has happened before, and all of it will happen again. It’s inevitable. It’s the genre. That’s why so much of what separates one Christmas movie from the other is execution.

Christmas on the Menu is very blandly executed. A majority of the movie is just spent on people eating food and then talking about how good it is. The shift from enemies to would-be love interests between the leads happens way too quickly to be interesting to watch. There are way too many side characters who don’t add anything to the story, such as the female lead’s high school ex-boyfriend who seems to exist just to exist.

Can I hate on Christmas on the Menu for being formulaic? Nah, practically everything reviewed on this blog is formulaic. But I can hate Christmas on the Menu for being a boring version of the formula. So I will. So I have.

Watch If: You are a selective romantic, you love the summer flock of ducks on the lake or if you only need one hand to eat.

Skip If: You love whipped cream from a can, if you think high school sweethearts getting back together is romantic or if you live in Los Angeles and would eat a red velvet cheesecake pie.

Final Rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

If you like this blog, please consider donating to my Kofi page! You can also donate money to kbange@gmail.com through either Venmo or CashApp. Thank you!

[minaminokyoko]

Deadpool 2: A Spoilertastic Review

One thing I've noticed over the years is that there's nothing like it when someone busts their ass to make a movie happen, defying all odds, and pours their sweat, blood, tears (and in Deadpool's case, probably other fluids we don't want to know about) into a film, and it turns out to reward them spectacularly. Deadpool was one of those movies. They fought for years to get that movie made after the disgraceful ruination of the character in X-Men Origins: Wolverine and they did him justice beyond words. It was magnificently done. It damn near beat Jesus, for fuck's sake. Actual Jesus.

And that's why I think that I don't like the sequel as much.

I've seen this happen many times: a sleeper hit or an unexpected smash hit blockbuster exceeds all expectations and then puts out a sequel. Well, unfortunately, sometimes success can ruin your party. Success, accolades, and the second highest grossing Rated R film of all time had an influence on how Deadpool 2 turned out, if you ask me. When you're not starving for it, then it means that sometimes punchlines don't land as hard, writing is not as tight, and scenes aren't as memorable. When you're already fat and happy, sometimes your motivation to make the best thing ever is just servicable at best.

I think Deadpool 2 is an enjoyable movie, but I think it didn't want it as badly as the first movie did because it was already fat, happy, and satisfied from the first film. Thus, I think they didn't try as hard to make it the best movie possible. It's still a good movie, but it can't compete with the first film by any stretch, and I'll explain why. Naturally, spoiler alert.

Overall Grade: B-/C+

Pros:

-Deadpool himself is still funny, even if the change in tone puts a damper on a lot of the enjoyment.

-Domino shines like a freaking diamond. I already like Zazie Beetz from what I saw of her in FX's show Atlanta, so I was jazzed when they announced her for the role. She still blew my expectations out of the water. I had never seen her do a physical role before, and she absolutely sold me. I'd love to see her in sequels and I sure as hell would watch a spin off of her with other female heroes should the Deadpool franchise get to borrow some X-Men in what I pray will someday be a collaborative effort between Fox and Marvel Studios. She's fantastic. She's the black girl magic the world needs to know about, and I'm so happy studios are coming around realizing black women are a massive untapped source of awesome in superhero films. For the longest time, Storm was all we had and she was weaksauce due to poor writing, but we've slowly been seeing more inclusion with the women of Black Panther and Valkyrie from Ragnarok and now Domino. Keep 'em coming, superhero movies. Black women deserve to conquer the genre and usher in other women of color alongside them.

-The X-Men pulling the door shut gag was top notch. Kudos. Even though it raises some seriously weird questions timeline-wise, I howled. That was brilliantly addressed, especially since it's so painfully obvious in the first movie that Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead were all Fox's stingy ass wanted to spare for poor Mr. Pool.

-Dupinder is still fucking adorable and precious and I'm glad he got his moment of glory.

-The Juggernaut getting a second shot was absolutely fantastic. I was trying to guess who it would be and then I saw that helmet and I might as well have done a fucking T-Rex roar in my seat the theater. Juggernaut was done right. He was everything I dreamt he would be ever since that disappointing appearance in X-Men 3. Don't get me wrong--Vinnie Jones had the right attitude, but making him just regular size guy defeats the whole purpose of why he's so unstoppable and terrifying. He literally ripped Deadpool in half. That was awesome, as was his grudge match with Colossus. I loved them going toe to toe with each other. It was staged extremely well. Aside from Domino, Juggernaut vs. Colossus was by far my favorite part of the film.

-Minor point, but I loved Deadpool's reaction to Yukio. He seemed genuinely charmed by her and vice versa and it was fucking adorable.

-The second post credits scene is exactly as good as the hype made it out to be. Oh God. Deadpool shooting Barakapool several times was just...I mean, it was the cherry on top of the sundae. It was so satisfying, as was the joke about shooting himself before he could star in Green Lantern. I love that Ryan Reynolds was so self aware that he severely fucked up his career from pretty much 2011 until 2016 when he finally got Deadpool made. He knew this movie was the only way he'd ever get himself out of that ditch in his career and I think it was a worthy redemption for sure. I also am so relieved they undid Vanessa's death, because that's the second biggest con I have for this movie as you'll see below.

-The Logan reference had me in stitches. It was so wrong, but so damn funny.

-The "blink and you'll miss it" Brad Pitt cameo. Fuck, that was amazing and surprising, thank you.

-The other "blink and you'll miss it" Alan Tudyk cameo. Holy shit, does Disney really like this man. I am so happy to see Wash getting some really great roles over the years. He's doing great.

Cons:

-Stuffing Vanessa in the Fridge. Alright, so technically I shouldn't put this in here because Deadpool fixes it in the end credits, but it pisses me off that they even attempted this stupid fucking trope. I am tired of dead girlfriends and dead wives used for Mangst. Fucking. Stop. It. Women are just as valid as men as characters. Stop killing them just to make the hero turn Super Saiyan. It's possible to still motivate the male motherfuckers without killing the girl and putting them on a revenge spree or depression spiral. It's lazy writing and all of Hollywood needs to move on from this tired ass trope. Vanessa was extremely charming, funny, and likable in the first Deadpool movie and Morena Baccarin is and has always been so wonderful to enjoy on screen in her dramatic and comedic work. I am so pissed off they Fridged her to only be in five minutes of the fucking movie. They shouldn't have even bothered putting her in the damned credits because she was only there for such a short period. If she didn't have time to film the movie, fine, just find another excuse that she's not there. Morena deserved better, dammit.

-Changing the tone of the film franchise from a screwball comedy to an action "movie" with jokes in it. This is the biggest reason I didn't like this movie as much as the first Deadpool movie. The first Deadpool movie is arguably a parody of superhero films. It takes most of the tropes and pokes fun at them in a really great way, but it also still manages to be a legit, streamlined revenge love story. It strikes the exact tone we'd all been craving ever since we heard the Deadpool movie would be greenlit. So why the fuck is the sequel written like an X-Men movie, but with more jokes? I hate the serious tone. I hate Wade moping over Vanessa, I hate the whole "family" bullshit that is spoken with a straightface somehow despite being almost as unearned as that hideous one in Suicide Squad, I hate Cable moping over his dead family, and I hate the "you're not my friend" bullshit between Wade and the incredibly annoying fat kid whose name I refuse to learn because he irritated me so much. Why did they play it all straightfaced? Why was I expected to see a "real story" in a Deadpool movie? The entire reason I like this franchise and haven't seen an X-Men film (not counting Logan) in years is because the X-Men franchise has completely played itself out. It's substandard acting, substandard writing, it doesn't adapt the comics the way it should, and it's just repetitive. All the movies since First Class are the same. The prequel babies are finally going to just end the charade with Dark Phoenix and I think most of the world is relieved because they have nothing creative or new to offer any longer. Deadpool 2 reeks of that same kind of lame writing and execution. There was no reason to switch the format. I pray to God they go back to formula in X-Force or Deadpool 3. I hate this change with a passion.

-The fat kid is annoying as hell. There, I said it. Fight me if you must. He had no sense of self preservation and the movie didn't go into enough detail to make me care about him in spite of how teeth-grindingly stupid and obnoxious he was. He was written like a twelve year old boy writing fanfiction about himself and Deadpool becoming best buds and fighting crime together. No. No, stop that right now. I don't want any part of it. I get the "he's just a kid" thing but the kid is an asshole and even if he's somehow justified, he's a pain in the ass to watch from start to finish. I also think the kid needs some acting lessons, but that's not entirely his fault. I think he probably just wasn't directed all that well, so I can let that slide, but I did notice it during the film.

-I don't care about Cable. Cable and Deadpool are righteous as fuck in the comics. In this movie? No. This is why I was against Josh Brolin being cast. He has no chemistry with Ryan Reynolds. I get that Cable is the Straight Man to Deadpool's Kooky Man, but they don't gel together at all. I never sensed any bonding even though they are setting it up for franchise reasons. He's just not interesting and he plays the role as blandly as he does all his boring ass biopics and other bland roles. Brolin worked much better as Thanos than he did Cable. Thanos had weight and was threatening and even though his reasoning was utter bullshit, at least he was convicted. Brolin's Cable just felt like some stock stoic character thrown in there as the minor antagonist. I still would have much preferred Liam Neeson or Ron Perlman, and yes, I understand both of them are getting up there in years, but we've seen older actors still kick ass and be in shape, so I think they could have done it if they were offered the part. Brolin is still one of the most drab actors I've ever seen and he just doesn't pull the role off, imo.

-The bait and switch with the X-Force team. This is a minor note for me, as I don't have a background with these characters so it's more for people who know these characters elsewhere and were expecting an awesome team up movie but that's not what they got. Are the gruesome deaths kind of funny? Yeah, sure, but it's kind of rude to advertise them that way and they're not in the movie. I just frown on it. It's not a dealbreaker. It was just disappointing in the same way that the Mandarin in Iron Man 3 was disappointing. I expected more and I got a farce instead.

-I don't know if it's for legal reasons, but it drives me crazy that we still didn't get a Wolverine cameo from Hugh Jackman. I mean, we finally got Deadpool--the real one--and I just want him and Ryan to share the screen again because even though Origins was trash, they were magical together.

-Deadpool's last "death" went on way too long. I was checking my watch. They really should have pulled the trigger on that gag. It was exhausting and not very funny to begin with.

-Negasonic Teenage Warhead getting reduced to an extra pissed me off. She was so great in the first movie and she doesn't get to do anything here and it irks the hell out of me.

-Aside from The Juggernaut vs. Colossus, the fight scenes weren't nearly as creative, cinematic, or memorable as the first film. I've already forgotten everything except the JvC fight and the convoy rescue scene. That's a bummer for me.

-The movie just isn't as funny as the first film. It's not the same kind of tight writing with excellent punchlines and ridiculous phrases that made me remember them. It's been a few days and I don't recall any insults or lines that stuck with me. I'll likely be seeing it again for Memorial Day weekend, but I still don't expect I'll remember much from it.

-Nitpick: God, I still want to push T.J. Miller off a bridge. He is not funny and never has been.

-Nitpick: WHY HAS NO ONE MADE A FIREFLY JOKE ABOUT MORENA BACCARIN AFTER TWO FUCKING DEADPOOL MOVIES?! COME ON. DEADPOOL IS ALL ABOUT NERD REFERENCES. GODDAMMIT MENTION FIREFLY YOU FUCKS. (But to be fair, this could also be because Fox is the reason we only got one season and so maybe they were forbidden from doing it. Still. That pisses me the hell off. Especially since Ryan Reynolds and Nathan Fillion (1) have both played the Green Lantern and (2) were on a sitcom with each other for years. Inexcusable.)

I'm sorry it sounds like I'm shitting on the movie. Really, it's enjoyable. I just think that maybe the first movie set the bar so high I can't help but feel frustrated by the sequel not trying as hard. Based on the online reactions, I'm on my own so...take that as you will, friends. Kyo out.

[aion-rsa]

The Marvel Movies Debrief: Iron Man 2 Recap, Legacy, and MCU Connections

https://ift.tt/2VLixBE

Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. suffer from "difficult second album" syndrome in the plot-heavy third MCU installment.

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Richard Jordan

Marvel

Mar 7, 2019

Iron Man

Iron Man 2

This article comes from Den of Geek UK. It contains spoilers for Iron Man 2 and the wider MCU. 

After Iron Man’s decent word-of-mouth and box-office success (it earned a respectable $585 million worldwide), the fledgling Marvel Cinematic Universe seemed to be off to a solid start – and a sequel was pretty much inevitable. Keen to capitalize on ol’ shellhead’s newfound popularity, the studio fast-tracked Iron Man 2 as the MCU’s third chapter.

With Marvel hoping to replicate what made the first movie such a winner, director Jon Favreau and star Robert Downey Jr. were quickly tempted back for a second outing. Everyone else duly followed. Well, everyone apart from Terrence Howard, who was swiftly replaced by Don Cheadle amid varying reports of on-set disagreements, contract squabbles, and salary disputes. 

Adhering to the well-trodden “bigger is better” sequel formula, Favreau and company expanded the cast to include some fresh faces and seed some future MCU regulars. Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell were drafted in as villains Whiplash and Justin Hammer respectively, while Scarlett Johansson was hired as Avenger-in-waiting Black Widow and Samuel L. Jackson was given an expanded role – and a nine-picture deal – as SHIELD director Nick Fury. Even rockers AC/DC were tapped to supply a soundtrack of banging back-catalog hits.

The stage was set for a sure-fire super-sequel. What could go wrong?

Well, as it turned out, Iron Man 2 was destined to become Tony Stark’s difficult second album. It outperformed the first film at the box office, sure, but despite all the upgraded bells and whistles, something just wasn’t quite right.

Iron Man 2’s biggest problem is that there’s just too much going on. Maybe it’s the film’s attempts to out-do its predecessor. Maybe it’s all the MCU world-building that’s shoehorned in. But the sheer number of story elements means that almost none of them are given the room they need to develop coherently.

So we have, in no particular order: Whiplash’s baddie-origin arc; the Stark/Hammer rivalry; Tony’s life-threatening palladium poisoning; the US Senate shenanigans; the introduction of Black Widow; Rhodey’s transition into War Machine; the momentum-sapping throwbacks to Tony’s dad, Howard; the Nick Fury-led Avengers set-up… That’s a lot of plot for one movie. And given the film’s scattershot approach, many of these threads frustratingly fall flat.

Chief among the casualties is the film’s big bad. An eccentric, edgy character actor at the height of his late noughties renaissance (having just picked up an Oscar nomination for his turn in The Wrestler), Rourke was an inspired choice to play Ivan Vanko. He’s the perfect foil for Downey Jr.’s Stark: the damaged side of the same coin; the bitter, vengeful have-not to Tony’s increasingly egotistical gluttony.

A vodka-swigging, down-and-out former Soviet physicist with a penchant for exotic birds, Whiplash is a quirky, menacing and, in Rourke’s hands, sympathetic nemesis. He’s not only Stark-level smart, he’s physically imposing to boot – tatted, muscular, and wielding a pair of fizzing energy whips. His first dust-up with Iron Man on a Monaco racetrack is one of the most memorable scenes of the Phase One films, if not the entire MCU (more on that below).

“You come from a family of thieves and butchers,” he tells Tony in a tense exchange afterward. “And now, like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your history and forget all the lives the Stark family destroyed…” Dark, eh?

It’s a promising start. And then, inexplicably, Vanko is unceremoniously sidelined to make room for the machinations of Rockwell’s preening industrialist (another underserved comic-book stalwart) and Stark’s drawn-out navel-gazing. He only properly comes back into play for the final battle, ensconced in a blandly designed metal suit and dispatched in a matter of minutes – a fate hardly worthy of the character or the actor who’s playing him. A potentially great villain is squandered.

The film’s not all bad, though. Downey Jr. is as charismatic as ever, while Johansson makes a great first impression as the duplicitous Natasha Romanoff (her acrobatic corridor takedown of Hammer’s henchmen is one of the film’s highlights).

Cheadle, meanwhile, quickly manages to banish the shadow of Howard (“Look it’s me, deal with it, let’s move on…” he quips as he makes his entrance), showcasing a much warmer, funnier, and more natural rapport with RDJ – especially during their entertainingly bizarre in-suit brawl, which plays out like a big-budget Bottom sketch.

Iron Man 2 is a fairly middling entry in the Marvel pantheon, then – a film that fudges some of its best ideas simply by trying to cram them all in. Crucially, Favreau's sequel lacks the simplicity and slickness of its predecessor. While there are several entertaining beats, the film is ultimately a bit of a slog.

Standout scene: The Iron Man vs. Whiplash Monaco battle. Rourke’s brazen, slow-motion entrance onto the racetrack, dodging crashing cars as his overalls burn away to reveal his crackling energy whips, is as menacing as it is effortlessly cool. It’s a smart move having Tony out of his super-suit for the majority of the fight, too, giving the scene a real sense of peril as Vanko lashes out ferociously (it’s a technique that would be revisited in Iron Man 3). It’s a real statement setpiece that shows so much promise for the villain, even as he’s dragged off, spitting blood and cackling maniacally (“You lose!”). Which is why his subsequent benching feels like such a wasted opportunity.

Best quip: “You guys look like two seals fighting over a grape.” Rhodey hilariously spoils the moment for Tony and Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) as they share their first kiss.

First appearances: Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow plays a small but key role here before her big breakout in The Avengers. Ditto Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury, upgraded from end-credits cameo to give Iron Man a bit of hero-coaching. We also meet Tony’s dad, Howard, (played by Mad Men’s John Slattery) in the flesh for the first time thanks to some archival Stark Industries recordings, and the late Garry Shandling’s buffoonish (or is he?) Senator Stern, who we’ll be seeing more of in Phase Two...

So long, farewell: It’s hello/goodbye to Mickey Rourke’s Ivan Vanko, who blows himself up, Predator-style, during the film’s climax. And even though the fate of Sam Rockwell’s smarmy Justin Hammer is left open, he hasn't popped up in the MCU since. “I’m going to be seeing you again real soon,” he tells Pepper as he’s carted off by the authorities. Erm, no you aren't, mate.

It’s all connected: With Iron Man 2 more concerned with shared universe-building than Iron Man or The Incredible Hulk, there are more overt MCU links here...

• “Tony, my greatest creation is you...” John Slattery makes his biggest MCU appearance here as the older Howard Stark, albeit through “archive” footage. But as one of the key figures in the formation of SHIELD, his legacy is felt through the entire series. He cameos in both Ant-Man and Captain America: Civil War (as well as, reportedly, the upcoming Avengers: Endgame), while the young Howard – played by Dominic Cooper – appears in Captain America: The First Avenger and the Agent Carter TV series.

• When Stark is working on creating a new element to power his internal arc reactor, he props up his makeshift particle accelerator with a half-built version of Captain America’s shield, found among his dad’s old possessions.

• Senator Stern (Garry Shandling) mostly serves as a sort-of comedy punchbag for Stark in this film. However, his attempts to force Tony to turn over the Iron Man technology are later revealed to have a more sinister motive – in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, he’s exposed as a covert member of HYDRA.

• At the armed forces Senate hearing, Tony resolutely refuses to give up his Iron Man suit and fiercely defends his independence, describing the suit as a “high-tech prosthesis” and describing working with the government as tantamount to “servitude or prostitution.” The events of Age of Ultron clearly change his mind though – he’s the first Avenger to sign up to the Sokovia Accords in Captain America: Civil War…

• When Tony offers Pepper the job as CEO of Stark Industries, he tells her: “It’s you…It’s always been you.” It’s startlingly similar to the line in the Avengers: Endgame trailer, where a space-bound and down Stark records a message for his soulmate: “When I drift off, I will dream about you...It’s always been you.” *Sobs*

• Black Widow’s report on Stark’s readiness to join the Avengers initiative leads Fury to declare: “At this juncture, we’d only like to use you as a consultant.” Hence Stark’s mission to “annoy” General Ross into keeping Emil Blonsky, aka the Abomination, behind bars rather than release him to join the Avengers, as requested by the World Security Council (seen in the post-credits scene of The Incredible Hulk and the Marvel One-Shot, The Consultant). The nature of his involvement obviously changes by the time of Loki’s invasion in The Avengers.

Credit check: Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) rocks up in New Mexico at what looks like a meteor crash site. “Sir, we’ve found it,” he reports over the phone, as we see people crowding around Mjölnir – aka Thor’s hammer. Cue the thunder...

Are you a fan of Iron Man 2, or does it miss the mark? Are there any other aspects of it that you like, don't like, or anything that we’ve missed? Let us know in the comments below.

from Books https://ift.tt/2J0Ve58

[trainyourrdragon]

ONWARD

This originally ran on March 6, and we are re-running because of its early VOD drop.

“Onward” springs from a deeply personal place and nestles on a heartbreaking premise: the possibility of being able to spend just one more day with a parent who has passed away.

But the high-energy, pop-culture-heavy result feels frantically eager to please, until it tries to yank at your heartstrings in the by-now familiar formula of Pixar Animation. (And of course, the idea of a deceased parent as a crucial plot point is practically on page one of the Disney playbook. My 10-year-old son even commented on this while walking back to the car after a Saturday morning screening.) The film is episodic in structure, leaping from one place to get one thing before leaping to another place to get another, and so on and so on in a series of breathless fetch quests. But in the few moments when it settles down and allows its characters to interact with one another in a meaningful way, “Onward” provides a glimpse of what director and co-writer Dan Scanlon probably was aiming for in sharing an intimate piece of his childhood on the big screen.

ONWARD

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Scanlon, who previously directed the lively sequel “Monsters University,” was inspired by the death of his own father when he was just a year old; his brother, who’s a few years older, had only hazy memories. From his own loss, Scanlon—with co-screenwriters Jason Headley and Keith Bunin—tells the story of two elven, blue-haired brothers living with their widowed mother in a suburbia that was once full of magic. Long ago, it was a place of unicorns and mermaids and fairies, resplendent with rolling, green hills and tinged with pixie dust in the air. Now it looks a lot like ... Burbank, actually, where The Walt Disney Co. is based. The mixture of old and new reveals itself in some clever ways—tract houses are shaped like oversized mushrooms and baby dragons serve as perky, slobbery pets. But while the background details can be quite lovely in their tactile realism—shafts of sunlight, bumps of asphalt—the bulbous and simplistic character design is blandly off-putting.

Thankfully, the voice work from stars Tom Holland and Chris Pratt is strong enough to overcome that, somewhat. Holland plays the shy, skinny Ian, who was in his mom’s womb when his dad died; he’s hoping that turning 16 will inspire him to make friends and take chances, and he has a checklist of goals to make it all happen. Pratt plays boisterous big bro Barley, who’s a bit stunted and still living at home with their mom (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who makes you wish there were more to her character); he’s into a Dungeons & Dragons-style role-playing game and drives a retro van with a unicorn emblazoned on the side. Despite their inherent differences (or perhaps because of them), the two have a likable chemistry with each other. So when Barley says playfully to Ian early on, “There’s a mighty warrior inside of you, you just have to let him out,” the sentiment comes from a place of authentic kindness and doesn’t sound as mawkish as it might look on the page. (Plus, it’s just amusing to imagine a world in which Spider-Man and Star Lord are brothers affectionately messing with each other.)

Both guys get a chance to tap into their hidden adventurer when their mom reveals a secret to them, one she was meant to hold onto until Ian’s 16th birthday: Their father left them an ancient staff with a rare gem to place atop it. Those items, along with a few magical words, would bring him back to them for 24 hours—but they could only perform the spell once and they had to get it exactly right. Naturally, in the excitement of this newfound knowledge, nothing goes as planned; they only get halfway through the spell, resulting in their father appearing from the waist down as just a pair of khakis and shoes with whimsical socks. It’s a strange idea and an even stranger image. In order to make the most of their limited time with him, they must go on a journey through their seemingly mundane town to finish what they started and make their dad whole.

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They struggle to achieve this by dragging their half-dad along, fastening a stuffed torso and a baseball cap onto his pants and trying to act as normal as possible in public, even as they’re yanking him around by a retractable dog leash. The floppy, “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style physical comedy is good for a laugh or two but grows old quickly and eventually feels like easy, go-to shtick. Among their many stops is a family-friendly tavern, complete with a salad bar and a claw machine, which used to be a dangerous hangout for fearsome creatures of all kinds; the manager, a once-powerful manticore (Octavia Spencer, a standout), has grown complacent but longs to reclaim her badassery of yore. She ends up getting sucked into the quest, along with Ian and Barley’s mom, in a subplot that feels wedged in and does both of these supremely talented actresses a disservice. And the climactic showdown with a makeshift monster is just so much noise and wreckage—until it stops abruptly and shifts to a teary-eyed conclusion.

The pacing is so jarring that the emotional payoff doesn’t develop as intended. And the overall irony, of course, is that this is a movie about the need for magic that could have used a little more of the stuff itself. But if it makes you think of your mom and dad fondly, even for a moment, well at least that’s something.

[bffhreprise]

Entry 216

 Mila, James, and I started walking to the room I was using after deciding on Star Wars for guys’ night.

 “Sorry, master.  I must excuse myself and prepare for the girl’s night.” announced Mila, looking as if this was the last thing she wanted to do.

 “Oh.  That’s not a problem.  Isn’t it a bit early still though?” asked James, looking surprised.

 Shaking her head, she said, “Of course not, master.  We’re starting off our girls’ night with a little shopping followed by dinner.”

 Ai and Mai had already told me what the girls had planned.  James really needed to talk with Alma more often if he was really going to date her.

 “Well, have fun!” he exclaimed.

 Mila frowned and said, “I’ll try, master.  the princess is ignoring my protests, so I’ll do my best to manage.”

 “Protests?  What’s wrong?” asked James, obviously worried over Mila’s lack of enthusiasm.

 He just didn’t get how attached to him she was.

 “I don’t feel I should be having fun without you, master, but Aaliyah insists that I should.” she explained.

 I laughed behind my hand.  I couldn’t help it.  An Artificial Intelligence vastly beyond any other software on the planet, except maybe Ancient Tribes of Earth, was pouting.

 “Your life truly doesn’t need to revolve around me, Mila, and you’ll still be here even while you’re away.” insisted James.

 He had that right.  Running Mila’s body wasn’t at all taxing for her hardware.  I asked about details on it a few times, the last being when she started explaining the layers of a single processor by chemical compound.  Though I do appreciate the relevance of the compounds used in producing the incredible speed, my memory and imagination wasn’t on par with understanding the arrangements she described by mathematical formulae.

 “But… It’s just not the same.  We’ve barely spent any time together in the flesh.” she complained, caressing her cheek with one hand.

 Nodding, I said, “I still want to know how Aaliyah synthesized her skin.  For some strange reason, they didn’t want me involved with that part.”

 “I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time in the years to come, and I am taking you on a date in the near future.” stated James after a moment’s thought.

 Smiling now, Mila told him “Maybe the girls will want to discuss my outfit for it.”

 “Well, I hope you enjoy yourself.  Catch you later.” he replied.

 “Thank you, master!” she exclaimed, practically bouncing as she turned and left.

 “So… you’re going on a date with Mila?” I inquired with a grin.

 James sighed before saying, “She had me promise her a date before she even had a humanoid body.”

 “Yeah, I know.  I was already working on the body’s design when she told me.  How does Alma feel about it though?” I asked, getting to the more important part.  Making Alma jealous immediately after talking about dating with her could be lethal for most people.  Luckily for James, he wasn’t just anyone.

 “Well, she was fine with the notion until Mila showed up in that body.  Now, I’m not too certain.” he admitted.

 “Just make sure you plan this momentous occasion with fireworks and everything.” I told him.

 “Calling a date a ‘momentous occasion’ might be a bit much, even being Mila’s first date.  Aaliyah’s going to help me plan it, so I’m sure everything will be in order.” he stated.

 I nodded and said, “Aaliyah does have a way with organizing things.  In all seriousness though, you do realize this will be the first date with an Artificial Intelligence in the history of humankind, don’t you?  No one else is even close to creating sentience like Mila, and she’ll have the entire thing documented for… well, forever!”

 James opened his mouth as if to respond, shut it, and thought for a bit.  As I expected, he hadn’t really considered that aspect yet.

 When he finished thinking, he looked up and asked “Have you thought much about how the twins aren’t exactly human?”

 “That’s pretty much a prerequisite for dating them.  You’ll find out when you start dating Alma.” I replied, knowing I couldn’t say too much on the topic.

 “Do you really think I should?” he inquired, just above a whisper.

 “Well, you do like her still, right?” I asked.

 “Yes, but… some of the things she’s done don’t sit well with me.” he admitted.

 I stared at him, wondering if there was any conceivable way he could have put that more blandly.  Alma was a mass murderer.  Only she knew how many beings were on the tally, but there were many.  Ai and Mai defended her actions, pointing out that she only murdered those believed to be murderers, but mistakes happened.

 Nodding, I said, “I’m not surprised.  I doubt I know as much about what she’s done as you do, but the stuff I do know about is pretty terrifying.  Someone with her temper having tremendous influence throughout the world seems risky on a good day, and Alma’s far more than a politician.  She’s a superweapon with a temper.”  I was tempted to say more, but James was already frowning.

 “So you don’t think I should date her.” he stated glumly.

 I thought about saying, “No.”  I knew how hard fighting my own feelings had been before, and I wasn’t sure that I really felt the same way about Laura as James does toward Alma.  If his feelings for her could match how I felt about Ai and Mai, how could I really judge him for dating her?  Ai and Mai had blood on their hands as well and possibly less remorse.

 “I don’t really know, man.  Sorry, but you might actually be a good influence on her.  You’re fine with being a martyr for humankind, right?” I teased, not knowing what else to do.

 “Did you know Alma studied medicine?” he inquired after thinking a bit.

 “I’m pretty sure she’s studied about everything, but yes.  I remember how she was helping tend people after the zombies blew up at the amusement park.” I explained, still feeling haunted by that day.  I had been introduced to a new level of feeling helpless.

 “Oh.  Of course.  She also created a more efficient system for cleaning and sanitizing the air in the new children’s hospital.” he added, obviously wanting to defend her.

 “She also takes samples from people to look into their DNA on whim.  The girl has some interesting pastimes.” I wryly replied.  Then I reached into the closet and pulled out my Sith bathrobe.  Hearing the sound of a lightsaber, I turned, finding Brandon there with a brown robe and an ignited lightsaber.  “Whoa.  You bought the Obi-Wan Force FX Lightsaber?”

 He stood there smiling with more swagger than ever as he turned the lightsaber for me to see better.

 “Would you two mind starting our guys’ night in a truly manly fashion:  building a weapon?” I asked as I looked between them.

 “Aww… no need to be jealous.  We can go out and buy you one.  Brenna said the girls are starting their night with shopping too.” replied Brandon in a mocking tone.

 ��Oh, it’s not that at all.  I just don’t want James to be entirely left out.  I mean… look at him.” I stated as I gestured to James.  “How is this a guys’ night if he’s barely participating.  I can get some costumes going too, and they’ll be far better than what we could buy.”

 “Hmm… You do have a point.” stated Brandon, rubbing his chin.  “How long will it take?”

 I put on the glasses for my tablet, grinned, and said, “If Mila’s willing to help, an hour tops.”

  “Of course, Jarod.  You know I’ll do anything for the master.” she replied after appearing on the nearby mirror.

 My smile widened as I started sorting through designs.  Then I said, “Mila, please show these two various lightsaber styles as we walk.”

 While James and Brandon discussed the designs they like, Mila and I worked out what to use for durability with the right amount of transparency.  James was incredibly strong now.  I knew I couldn’t make anything that would withstand his swing if I wanted to be able to lift it up myself, but I wanted to do the best I could manage in case he accidentally did get a bit enthusiastic.   Mila and I had some debate over gyro sensors, light emission, and audio boards, but we were satisfied enough by the time the group got down to the lab.

 “This place always looks so impressive.  What do you need to do first!?” asked Brandon as he looked around.

 “Mila’s already fabricating circuit boards.  I’ll just need you to confirm which styles you want and figure out costumes.” I replied.

 He grinned and said, “That’s so cool…”  He walked over to one of the tables, nodded to himself, and then told us “Yep.  You’re right.  This feels much more manly than shopping, not to mention far more worthy of Star Wars.  Shopping is for girls.”

 “Oops.  I think I just destroyed Brandon’s board, Jarod.  I am, after all, going out on the girls’ night, shopping.  I don’t see how I was supposed to concentrate on your manly endeavors at the same time.” stated Mila with sarcasm flowing through each word.

 “Seriously?  You know I was only joking, right?” insisted Brandon.

 “Oh.  Looks like it survived.” she assured him.

 Brandon looked up at James, shook his head, and whispered “Women.  I tell ya.”  Then he loudly proclaimed “I was all for using the theater, but I wouldn’t mind starting the movies down here if you don’t mind creating a serving droid as well.”

 I laughed and told him “I fear Mila would take offense.  Help James pick out a costume.”

 If he actually did manage to offend her, only James and Aaliyah could convince her to help us, and I knew James wouldn’t take the offender’s side in such a case.

 “Jarod, can you make this?” inquired James, pointing at the screen after briefly perusing costumes.  He was pointing at Darth Vader.

 I nodded and grinned.  That certainly would suit James’ build.

 “You do have the height for it.” admitted Brandon.  “I mean I could and all, but I make everything look good anyways.”

 “Mila, mind making a voice enhancer for the helmet?” I asked, signaling which base module to use via the display from my glasses and a gesture.

 “Already started.” she replied.

 I grinned again, excited by what we were doing.  If I could convince James to mimic Force powers with spells, the movies might be put off for a while.