#so many people have been so kind throught out these past couples of days

[racheljchen]

story vomit

-hong kong runaway idea reality in mental hospital? mr robot perfect blue -blue hour love "i wanna be scary" heart break shaves eyebrows red lipstick black panther for asians space? dreamjng of home story about learning to let go and putting yourself first story about choosing happiness, prolonged misery JYN AND CASSIAN IMMORTALS her fingers ruffled through soft locks of his hair, and her heart swelled. it was too little and too much all at once, after all the years apart, how could she have ever doubted wanting to be by his side again? Now that he was in her arms the certainty seemed to settle into an unshakable truth, that she and he were meant to return to each other, circling each other, standing by the other's side no matter the circumstances of the rest of the foolish world. the girl from before, who only knew of solitude, of running, looking over shoulder at every turned would have thought this new certainty unthinkable. it might have terrified her or disgusted her, but the Jyn of now was a different woman. his eyes caught her transfixed gaze and crinkled with a smile she knew better than her own. no words needed to break the cozy silence for the understanding to pass between them. there was nothing she wanted more than to crush his body to hers, to hold him gently and never let go again but the feeling overwhelmed her and she could only continue to cradle his head in her lap, stroking a finger down the jawline she loved. mine. mine. her heart said, touching a body that was not her own, this skin which would pierce me to be bruised, these bones which would shatter her to be broken. hours later, after many hushed words had passed between them, describing in few short words the many hard years that had passed for each of them, as the sky began to flush lilac with the rising  sun, they broke apart with much hesitance. after several failed attempts on cassian's part to urge her to the fresher for a much needed shower, she finally relented breaking the connecting touch betwen them. jyn couldnt contain the tiniest childish pout. how could she miss holding him within seconds of relinquishing the contact? annoyed at feeling like a childish teenager but still petulant to let go. "go!" urged cassian, his eyes crinkling with a grin, and then, of course how she resist grabbing his smiling face again and kissing those grinning lips. cassians arms could not help but to circle around her waist but of course he was the one with the greater self restraint and he withdrew them after a few moments, pushing her gently towards the fresher door. under the hot satisfying spray Jyn allower herself the luxury of a quick moment to just enjoy the comforts of a life not based on the next meal, next job, and the overhanging urgency of survival, before she got to work scrubbing off the unholy layers of grime on her body. as she lathered suds into her hair, the fresher door clicked open with a soft hiss, and she peered through the fogged shower door at cassian, who of course smiled at her again, and she marveled at the ease of his surrending unlimited smiles for her when he was a man of few smiles for the rest of the universe. and with that her traitorous heart was off again, squeezing with the overwhelming painful joy of having him by her side again. cassian rinsed his toothbrush, finished with brushing his teeth. with a mischievous grin he peeled of his under shirt and dropped his trousers to the floor. steam poured out of the fresher as he slipped in beside her, putting his rough hands on the soft slick skin of her waist. jyn hooked her arms around his neck and tiptoed up to kiss him, soft sweet and slow, and they stood under the spray, feeling each other up like teenagers until suddenly Jyn shrieked. "Ah! Sorry, sorry, the boiler tank is small, I've been wanting to install a bigger one-" Jyn laughed despite the freezing spray erasing her comfortable warmth by the second. "get out you horn dog i still have to rinse out my hair" one of them gets executed but comes back to life cassian? comes back to find jyn and their child // cassian as a fire breathing bar tender modern au where they're divorced drug cartel AU krennic and galen in the cia/dea jyn smuggles or deals arms or something cassian is an undercover DEA agent cassian riding a horse, wearing a cowboy hat, smoking patron notices cassian is into jyn and 'gives' her to him "you're a lucky guy" thats just a nice way to say i want to fuck your girl jyn if you do this i can't protect you ive known these guys my whole life and you think you can get into this game for a couple months and i need you to protect me from them i dont mean from them cassian joserra jerome antonio anglés andrez after they settle down: oh where did you guys meet jyn: tinder // divorced soulmates when they meet jyn can tell its something special. she's been around the block enough to know that this one wasn't for messing around, that they meant too much to each other. cassian tamed her and she brought him to life and his friends were all supportive of course, relieved he had found some joy at last, that he finally had a reason to leave the office without putting in overtime more days of the week than not, a reason for brief smiles to stsrt escaping his serious outward demeanor. all they saw was cassian hiding a smile in a tumblr of mezcal st the bar with them, watching jyn dance with han and kes, twirling around them with smooth confidence as they tried not to trip on their own feet. how could it be anything but good? jyn knows cassian would never hurt her on purpose so she lets herself fall too easily, then slowly her life revolved around him. he occupied her throughts, her space, and she became nothing more than a part of cassian, his wife, as honoured and respectable as the role was she became suffocated with being introduced as his wife, people telling her what a great man her husband was, and she became defined by him, strangers assuming insight of her. when she leaves she finds herself all alone, realising all the friends she had were gifted to her by cassian, and the thought infuriates her. not at cassian, never at cassian, but at her past self for allowing this to happen, blind to painfully learned lessons to always have an escape route in sight, to rely on herself first and foremost. when she leaves, the pain is unbearable. she cries and she cries herself to sleep, and when she wakes up she's temporarily soothed her mind betraying her with the false sense that all the pain was just a bad dream and she would roll over and see cassian there, soft and warm and comforting and ready to hold her close and kiss the nightmare away. but the realisation came quick and she would be sobbing again. in the end it was only her stubborn pride that saved her the indignity of crawling back to him on her knees begging. or maybe it was the stone pit on her stomach that said you did this. you hurt him like this, and for what? how can you deserve to try and salvage what was perfectly good before you picked it up and smashed it on the ground just to see how the splinters would fall? when the fog of misery starts to fade though, she is relieved. even as she sits in her crappy, hole in the wall apartment, eating left over pizza for a undignified amount of times in a month, she is so relieved to be free. even if the AC keeps crapping out and she's sweating in February and bodhi has been the only other person to visit her apartment she is so relieved. her thoughts were her own again and she was so happy she could cry "jyn you will always be my family. you know that right?" she doesn't deserve it cassian walking barefoot in the shore wash at blue hour this pain wasn't unbearable but it was a unique brand of torturous. knowing exactly what she wanted was right in front of her, seeing it, touching it in soft polite embraces that lingered just on the dangerous end of perfunctory hellos and goodbyes. she's already had a taste of exactly everything she wants (not needs, not anymore, and that made the pain tolerable but a new unique brand of torturous), and she couldn't have it. she threw it all away. no regrets could be had, she would have never made it here without giving it up, but it certainly didnt help when they sat on the opposite ends of the friends spanning a bar counter and her attention still strayed from whatever kes was talking about to start at his lips, soft  from worrying at the glass tumbler in his hand, hearing the memory of the laugh she only watched escape from him in real life as it was lost in the din of the bar. "i forgave you for literally tearing my heart apart the first time, but as much of a masochist as i am, I can't give you permission to do it again. so what is it jyn?" "come on jyn. it doesn't take an idiot to see how much we still care about each other" their scars are the only soft and tender part on them, new and innocent skin next to hard won calluses cassian's ex wife meet first time when cassian gets backup for his mission huge sexual tension competence porn celebrating successful mission, cassian shoots his shot she reveals she used to be in intelligence "understand this captain andor. i have a lot of respect for what you do. it's horrid work but it needs to be done. matter of fact i started in intelligence. but the one thing i know, is the kind of person that can stand that line of work, the kind of person i was back then, thats not the kind of people i want to break bread with" she pulls rank on him despite him being older and more experienced. "in my branch you get promoted fast because you die fast" cassian was being pessimistic/realist sbout expected bad outcome but young recruit is horrified more massive sexual tension at a bar or something, she goes outside to make out with some rando guy, cassian follows her and chases him off and kisses her. not nice and tender, hatefuck in an alleyway but it's so hot doesn't see each other again fuck in a tent, fuck in the showers start to bond, see each other's honour and kindess. after a bad mission she's doubting herself, unable to sleep, cassian takes her to a secret vantage point. "sometimes i think i'm a dispicable person" "not to me" he kisses her "what, really here?" where they're in constant threat of being walked in on "no." they just make out and its tender snd loving and it scares her off and she avoids him for a while cassian gets captured and held in solitary confinement for months, mentally tortured, starved. tries to escape, gets punished. gets fucked up in the head. draven and elkie are the only one pushing to find him and break him out.  after cassian is found and returns to base he's a shell of himself, spooked, makes intense eye contact with elkie as he passes her but no aknowledgement of their signifigance to each other. after medical checks he's left alone and starts to panic, but before he freaks out fully, she comes into his room with shaving kit and a peach. she cuts a few slices for him to enjoy because hes not really allowed fruit, talks to him and shaves him as he heals she arranges for him to be put in a room with a chatty old soldier who keeps telling him old war stories, and visits him whenever she back on base. after a particularly bad mission. she crawls into his hospital bed in the middle of the night. after he's discharged, she sleeps with him whenever she can, calming him down after nightmares. one night he knows she's sleep deprived and needing to wake up early for important things the next day and tells her to stop sacrificing her sleep to help him. she's quiet before she asks if he is making her leave. he says no, so she just snuggles up to him. he realizes she prefers being woken up all night to sleeping without him. one say when cassian's feeling like he cant stand being amongst the people on the base in the mess hall, she brings him back to the vantage point to have lunch. they fuck but it's making love. something in between she gets captured and tortured. breaks leg. cassian rescues her. cassian cares for her in the immediate aftermath, she wakes up to him asleep in the hospital chair after he comes back from his own mission back on base, superiors want to send her off base to recuperate and get better PT, she really doesn't want to go, she knows she might never make it back and lose her nerve and her mind. their sleeping in cassian's bed and she admits this. he says there's desk work she can do on base. "married officers get first choice of postings" she's stunned by the insinuation "i need to know you arent whoring yourself out out of some misplaced need to take care of me. just because you slept with me a couple times doesn't mean i'm your responsibility." "i need to know you aren't... offering... out of convenience. just a loophole to help me out" "i'm not. i can't live without you anymore" they get married, she takes his name. captain andor and captain andor she drops off the grid for an extended period of time, she sees him in a crowd and he thinks she's a hostile, tries to take her down but she takes off her mask and goggles she dies in his arms CASSIAN'S LITTLE SISTER/DAUGHTER cassian's 16 she's 8, he saves her and has to babysit her for a while around rogue one she's 18 starting to do field work as an agent cassian as fulcrum is not nice or friendly but mentors her and takes care of her she just starts acting like a friend even though she has no reason to treat him like one bonds with jyn they go to each other when they're concerned about cassian, jyn tells her about a miscarriage, she tells jyn about PTSD she doesn't want to admit to cassian later as peace becomes more viable and cassian less cold and jaded, he starts to act like her family and at first it scares her off a bit she's hostile, says you don't have any right treating me like a child considering how you treated me in the past CASSIAN JYN F1 bodhi jyn both trained by legendary race strategist galen erso (betrays imperial team and orson krennic?) bodhi was trained to to compete and be great, jyn was thrown in and not expected by others to be a real competitor jyn joins f1 with saw gerrera's partisans, low midfield team, strapped for cash bodhi drives with his brain jyn drives with her gut bodhi tells her she can be truly great when she masters melding the thinking and control with her raw talent jyn podiums once and is over the moon but cassian isnt happy for her and she doesnt understand cassian says she doesnt understand racing yet, put herself on the line for revenge, had no way of knowing she was gonna survive her dirty trick and she only won when almost half the field retired calls her hotheaded and not ready cassian was an excellent ruthless driver, would drive dirty to make the win very good (champion?) gets into bad crash (jyn saves him?) and retires, join rebellion as race strategist cassian suggests jyn as new driver leia backs him up jyn helps cassian with his PT and tells him he doesn't have to put on a mask for her and he allows himself to show that he's in pain jyn falls asleep in cassian's hotel room and when he tucks her in she grabs him and they fall asleep together at a party after a good win jyn's tipsy and grabs cassian and starts singing and dancing in his face and cassian is laughing and loving every moment jyn's championship title comes down to the last race she gets a rough bump that physically takes a toll on her she has a good lead but she blows a tire and limps home (krennic gets on the radio somehow to try and break her confidence?) cassian: "do your best, bring her home. i'm right here jyn, I'm with you to the end. I'm not going anywhere" jyn wins a championship and retires she's proved herself after no one thought she would, defeated vader for a season she knows she doesn't have a strong chance of doing it again and wants to make room for luke and han so they don't join imperial F1 STORY young hotshot female driver gets put into falling from glory ferrari with him he used to be eyed as the next great talent but in a shit car he doesn't have any accomplishments to show and is starting to lose the hype and his drive to win she idolizes him, after a race where she does very well for a rookie and he delivers good but not great results, she goes into his driver's room and congratulates him on a good drive out of a need to assert control he fucks her he's trying to massage his own shoulder, she says here let me help, get close, talking, he turns to catch her eye and realises how close they are and kisses her fucks her on the desk, hot and dirty after their lustful scramble he comes back yo his senses and is a bit ashamed of what he's done kisses her on the forehead and leaves, saying see you tomorrow they keep hooking up throughout her rookie season, and spending time together in the public eye, her sweet genuine humorous personality tempers his steely cold and focussed persona and media and fans eat it up, everyone loves them as old gruff dude and young hotshot jokester duo two seasons like that as they grow closer there's a picture of him as a f1 rookie giving 14yo her a trophy forehead kisses become a meme she tells him what he already knows, he needs to jump ship from the team he loves in order to win he signs with a top three team as she continues to get more experience at their old team throughout the season they continue hooking up and hanging out in winter break they spend a lot of time with each other, to the point it seems like they're dating but theyve never discussed it he wins a world championship, realises the only person he wants to celebrate with is her she gets signed to a title contender team next time they hook up he's being a tender and says something commitment related she freezes up "what did you think this is" "yeah of course anyone would jump at the chance to fuck their idols, that doesn't mean their idols would be a good person to settle down with" "did u think i would fall in love with you just because i look up to you? im not some groupie. as if you weren't just taking advantage of me the first time, cheating on your girlfriend. im smart enough to know I'm not special, if you did it to her you certainly have it in you to do it to me" "i think we should stop doing this" breakup, theyre both heartbroken he feels betrayed, thinking the girl he's in love with just used him she doesn't want to admit she really did fall for him he gets signed to the same team as her the whole world is super excited to see their chemistry again but they're super cold, barely together, barely acknowledge each other press conference she blows off the question of whether she's excited to be teammates again he gets into tabloids rumored to be dating hot celebs they have a bad rivalry on the track fighting for positions gets double retirement and other bad things eventually he realises she only pushed him away out of self preservation and she mist have loved him to have done so much and cared for him the way she did he apologizes and asks her to give them a chance she's shocked but she agrees, but she says they shouldnt be together until the season is over cue sexual tension she misses him too much and he comes into her hotel room to get a fright shes in his bed and they cuddle she wins the championship after 5 years of being together and racing, he retires proposes to her, to the shock of the world

[amara-scott]

Like broken glass.

Tv Show: The 100 Characters: John Murphy x Kayla (OC) Categories: Angst, Fluffy

With all the new freedom down here on earth, it is hard to decide what to actually do first. One of my favorites is definitely watching the sun rise in the warm morning hours and set into the cold night. The sky always lit up with colors so vibrant, I first thought another apocalypse would be starting and panicked. Just to be calmed by Clarke, who tried to hide her amusement terribly and I figured I had to let loose more. Ask less and experience more.

That's why, over the span of a couple days, everyone who talked to me knew me as the positive thinker. The one who tried to reason with a cup half full- or even overflowing- rather than half empty.

I don't think I made any enemies so far. I try to stay on everyone's good side, using the second chance I was given. Why waste our time down here picking fights if we can pick the most beautiful flowers instead?

"Ay, Kayla! Move your long legs over here!" I pick my eyes off the ground right outside my tent and find Bellamy standing with his arms crossed and a smile slowly forming on his sun-kissed face. I stand up and put down the stick that I started drawing pictures in the dirt with. My feet stopping near him.

"What's up, Bell?" I ask, giving him a smile and wait for our unofficially selected leader to command me around. Not that I had anything bad to say about him- but sometimes you could think he felt better than others.

"Do you mind giving Murphy some of your sunshine?" He smirks, shifting his arms and the corners of his eyes crinkle. I frown briefly and glance around his figure, hearing a huff.

John stops beside Bellamy and stares at him, unamused. "I heard that."

"I think you were meant to." I pipe up and Bellamy lets out a chuckle, pointing his thumb at me for just a moment.

"She's not wrong."

"Don't worry, John. I bet Bellamy just wanted to be funny. Let's get to work, shall we?" The older Blake still seems to be amused at the situation he created and I don't give him another glance, trying to break John off his staring contest, his jaw now clenching as he turns his cold eyes toward me.

"I dare you to call me that one more time, sunshine." I quirk an eyebrow but shake my head at him quickly, stepping closer to the two. Bellamy's laugh dies down and his hands are placed on his hips now.

"Sorry, I didn't know you don't-"

"-Just shut up already! You're giving everyone a fucking headache with your constant blabbering." He glares for a moment longer, maybe waiting if I would yell back. And then he storms off into the opposite direction, not even stopping when Bellamy calls his name loudly.

"He's an idiot, don't bother, Kayla." I nod and give him a small smile, looking over at the drop ship and see Clarke looking around camp.

"I'll go get myself a job, see you around, Bell." He nods and I join Clarke, her lips rounding into a smile as she sees me.

"Hey, I was looking for you. How are you doing today?" She asks and we walk inside together.

"Alright, what about you?" She frowns at me and I take a seat on one of the hammocks.

"Alright? What happend?"

"Nothing, really. Don't let me bother you, how can I help out?" She raises an eyebrow and folds her arms as I stand back up, rubbing my hands together. She doesn't press any further though, letting my thoughts fully wander back to Murphy's hateful gaze while I rip up fabric to make more bandages.

_________________

And then something weird happened.

I walk out of the drop ship, ready to enjoy the bonfire with all the others and maybe even some dinner. And there he sits. Murphy and a couple other guys. His smile so bright but not fully lifting up to his eyes. They shine with something different, so empty.

"Quit staring, will you?" I zone back into my present head and make out Murphy walking over to me. One glance around shows me that some others were staring at the scene enfolding.

I look back at Murphy, not sure if I should run. His friends follow him but stay back, just watching and bickering.

"What's your problem, Anderson? Am I disturbing your perfect image of a society?" I gulp, not knowing how to react to his behaviour. He is teasing me, he wants to know what happens when I had too much. I won't give him the satisfaction.

"No, you fit right in. I debated if I should apologize again. For how I acted earlier. I'm sorry, Murphy." He rolls his eyes and squeezes his knife tightly, his jaw tense as his eyes settle back on me.

"Are you kidding me?"

"No." He steps closer, all conversations around us are on hold and I feel all their eyes on us. Murphy only stops a couple inches from my face, the darkness in his stare nearly makes my legs tremble.

"One of these days, I will push you. You will have to break eventually, just you wait and see." He whispers and turns around, walking off to his tent. I stare after him, shuddering at the cold wind.

And he did not dissappoint in his promise. He did try to push me, a lot. In so many different ways. And that for almost a week now, multiple times a day.

"Sunshine! Watch out, to your left!"

I don't look back to the voice and just move to the right, to be out of the way. But instead I am met with another body to my right as I glance left to look who's coming.

I stumble back and fall onto my bum, looking up at a smirking Murphy who is actually carrying something useful. He stops and just looks down at me.

"Oops, did I say left? I meant right." He winks and walks off, I huff my hair out of my face only for it to fall right back across my face.

On the same day he comes rushing into my tent in the evening as I am changing, quickly covering my bare upper half with a shirt as he whistles. As if it's not enough he steps closer and burries his hands into his pockets while I try to calm my racing heart.

"Bellamy's group just came back from the hunting trip, the one Octavia was on. She is probably not going to make it, just wanted to let you know." With that he twirls around and leaves the tent with a smile, whistleing a tune as I stare after him, my eyes have never been as wide.

I always held a soft spot for Octavia, her character was just as cheerful as mine at times and we shared many secrets at nightly walks throught the campgrounds. I feel my body heating up and eyes gloss over as I sprint out, past Murphy and directly into the drop ship. I glance around frantically, Clarke standing on the side and sorting through boxes, probably looking for anything that could save Octavia.

"Clarke, Clarke! Where is she- is she okay? What happened to Octavia?" She looks over, turning around to face me.

"What do you-"

"-Kayla?" My eyes dart to the far right, Octavia stands there with Jasper and Monty. Casually talking. As if she was alright. Is she? My breath slows down and I think back. Murphy. Of course.

"What's going on here?" I look over at Bellamy, climbing down the ladder from the second floor. "What's with O? She's fine." He adds.

"Nothing, I don't know?" Octavia says and frowns at me, I try to form a sentence but can't. And then a voice from behind me enters the room and the conversation.

"A meeting? Why did no one call me." I look at him- no, glare. Deeply feeling that bubble in me grow with all kinds of things to throw his way. When his eyes find mine, he smirks, bumping his shoulder with mine and dips his head close to my ear.

"Just a joke, loosen up." He whispers and leans back to examine my expression, I assume.

"You- you idiot! How could you- why-" I snap and my palm makes contact with his cheek. His smile wiped off and head tilted to the side. I stammer, stumbling over my words. He still doesn't look back.

"Who do you think you are?" I whisper and tears roll down my cheeks, my shirt sleeves quickly drying them off.

"Hey, Kayla. Relax, what happened?" A hand curls around my shoulder and I know it's Bellamy but I can't help and shake his gesture of comfort off me. Not looking back at him, just at Murphy. His eyes go back to my face, not as amused anymore. Rather irritated and regretful? But it's soon replaced with a smirk.

"Told you, I would break your act." He says and folds his arms, Bellamy pushes me to the side gently, stepping into my space and Muprhy's eyes only leave me when Bellamy starts talking.

"Seriously? Did you tell her something happened to O- Just to get your way? Was the punch to the face satisfaction enough?" He growls and I step outside the drop ship, all the eyes too much for my head right now. My tent is the place I finally find somewhat peace and sleep.

But how could one be so cruel?

The next day starts off tense for me. I decide to spend some time in my tent, thinking. I am sure it would be especially weird around the people who saw my outburst. I wanted to quit my temper that I had on the ark. I wanted to change, be a better person than back up there. But I guess old habits die hard.

When it turns dark outside once more, I decide I need food. Maybe some water too, so I exit my tent.

"Kayla-" I turn my face to Octiavia, her arms coming around me as soon as she is close enough. I hug her back immediately, but don't let any tears fall. I am glad she is okay, after all.

"-Murphy is a huge dick, I will show him what happens when he messes with my family." She pulls away and gives me a grin. I give her a small smile and laugh at her comment, nodding.

"Sorry you had to see that yesterday-"

"-don't apologize! I would have snapped his neck as soon as I would have had the chance in your spot. He is a madman." I glance over the camp, and see a couple eyes on us. Mostly the eyes of Jasper, Monty and Clarke. Probably all knowing that Octiavia was best at making sure I was back to normal.

"Hey, O- I'm-" My attempt to be alone for a moment gets interrupted by loud voices shouting at each other. Two, to be exact. Two that I know better than I thought I would.

I walk towards the source and Octavia follows me, a crowd already forming around them. I push my way further to the front to see both their faces. Just as Murphy pushes Bellamy off of himself, Murphy's bloody face tells me they must have already fought for some time.

"Leave me alone, Bellamy." He hisses at him and their staring contest intensifies, my head tells me to step up and break this off.

But Octavia is holding my arm, not tightly, just to make sure I don't do something I will regret. And I thank her with a quick glance. But her eyes stay on her brother and Murphy.

Bellamy seems frustrated, taking a step back and huffs.

"You only care about yourself!" He screams, clenching his jaw, Murphy stands still for a moment. Eyes lingering on the floor. They come up and meet mine. He blinks a couple times, focusing his eyes back on Bellamy, who is walking away from the scene.

"You're wrong." He mutters, loud enough for most to hear but Bellamy decides to ignore it. He must have heard. Almost everyone leaves too, probably assuming the most entertaining part of the fight is over.

I stand still and watch Murphy's back. His fists clenching und unwinding every now and then.

"Let's get you food, Kayla." I don't look at Octavia but I know she wants me to let him suffer, how he deserves it. And I should agree. I should turn around and don't waste another thought about him.

"Go ahead, I'll be right there." I don't look away from Murphy's frozen figure.

"Kayla, don't-"

"-Really, I promise. I will be right there." This time I look at her, with a sigh she nods, giving me a half smile.

"Just call me, if you need me." I smile back and watch her walk over to a spot where she is still clearly watching. Just like Clarke. I sigh and turn back to Murphy. Slowly approaching.

I step next to him, gazing over, his eyes seem glossy, like broken glass. He doesn't look at me, just sits down, cross legged.

"What do you want?" He looks up at me, my heart swelling with hurt at his expression. Even though I had no reason to feel bad. No single one. Did I?

"I don't want anything. But maybe you want someone to listen." I decide to join him on the floor, his eyes not leaving me. I give him a smile, hoping he would take it as a peace sign. But he shakes his head to himself, forcing an unamused smile. His eyes forward.

"Of course, still trying to bring peace-"

"-John! For once- stop criticizing me. You start to sound like my mother." I cast my eyes into the depths that his were lost in, so I don't have feel his boring into mine. Who knows what I would do then.

After a moment of silence, I decide this won't go anywhere. Murphy is just too stubborn and bitter. "Forget it." I mutter and stand up, dusting off my pants and turn around, walking to the bonfire. A heavy feeling in my chest and hot tears are burning behind my eyes. This idiot.

"Kayla." I stop and look over. Murphy walks a couple steps. His hands stuffed back into his pockets. His eyes on the ground between us. I turn around to face him and take his arm after another moment of nothing. I pull him toward the drop ship, not bearing to look at his exposed wounds any longer.

"Sit down." I say softly and gather a cloth and some moonshine, a bowl of water already on the table next to Murphy. He sits in the chair closest to me.

I start dipping the cloth into water and cup his face with one hand, gently dabbing at the fresh blood. Careful not to hurt him.

"Anything you want to say?" I ask, trying to only focus on my task. Before he has a chance to talk though, I pour some moonshine onto the same cloth. Working my way across his face.

"Son of a-" He curses, hissing and flinching.

"I thought more along the lines of- sorry for being such an ass- or- sorry, won't happen again." When I'm done, I give him a small smile, placing the cloth down and stare down at him. He frowns, sitting up straight.

"How do you still not hate me?"

"I have a better question. How did you convince me into actually liking you?" I fold my arms and he stands up, our eyes not breaking contact.

"Maybe because I am just so undeniably handsome." He smirks and I roll my eyes, heaving a sigh. But eventually I join into his smile.

"But maybe because I showed you it's liberating to let go for once. You don't have to put on an act to fit in." He says more seriously. How would he know it was an act? We didn't even know each other on the ark.

"I am not pretending. I'm trying to change."

"Trying too hard." Instead of growing frustrated with him again, I nod, letting my shoulders drop. I look down at our feet.

"You're good at reading people." I admit and look back up, some hair falling into my face now. I forgot to even put it up this morning.

"So I've been told. But you're not hard to crack." I raise an eyebrow at him and his smirk irritates me, his soft lips pulling into a smile next. His hand reaches out, pushing my hair back behind my ear, lingering on the skin there.

I close me eyes for a moment, just enjoying the quiet.

Nearly not noticing his face coming closer.

But I open them and now his are closed, his breath calm and deep, mixing with mine. I decide to close my eyes again and soon feel his lips pressed to mine, his hand back by my face, holding my head in place.

Maybe we are not as different as I thought.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

More The 100 Imagines

Full Masterlist

[harrysdimples]

sooo...it’s the legend @btapants’ birthday and me and my main partner in crime daria @britneytshirt both came up with this idea and whipped up a lil somethin somethin for celine to read! we just want you to know how loved you are celine and how you influence us all to be better people! we all love you and had a few things to say :)

@bidonnas (aka mik):  i followed celine like ages ago bc i was looking for more harries to follow and she seemed so sweet and, like, a Quality™ blog and we've been mutuals for ages as well and we like sent each other asks for like ask games and tagged each other in tag games but we didn't start talking more until the first gc in like march of this year and i do not regret a single thing of entering that gc bc i got to meet my birlfriend, now my bife. we've just gotten closer over the past 6 months of being in so many different groupchats with each other and i love everything about her. she's funny, she's kind and sweet, and she loves mamma mia. i mean, who could ask for more?? fjdkgksdljkfg celine deserves the whole world and all the love in the world and i love her so so so much!!!!

@guccifloralsuits (aka violet):  Celine, you already know it but literally love you tons, you make my experience as a harrie stan so much brighter :) I'll always remember the #funkirk days and times we've been throught - from the discourse days to the crazy concerts & I can't wait to see what this next year for you & us brings! You're so easy to talk to and fun to share this experience with! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL MY LOVE TO YOU 💖

@annaonvinyl (aka essie): Celine, Celine... I believe we've been mutuals not for that long and i do remember checking my notifications and seeing that she followed me i kid you not when i say i nearly had a moment because i would constantly see her posts and people talking so nicely about her. i can now understand why people kept saying sweet things about Celine, i mean she's amazing! if you aren't following her please do me a favour, go to her blog and press that follow, just... do it. celine is so sweet and funny, her blog is the perfect mix of aesthetic and relatable and not to mention she's so freaking stunning? i mean... have you seen her? model material, i'm telling you. so in conclusion what i want to say is celine is gorgeous and so nice and i love her! tanti auguri bella! spero che tu abbia un bel anno davanti a te e tutto il meglio vada per te! goditi la giornata e sorridi molto (scusa il mio italiano arrugginito)

@signofthebis (aka petra): Happy birthday, Celine! ❤❤❤ You know why I followed you. Because of the tags you wrote under my bta pants gifset. And I knew in that moment... this is a person that gets it and I need her in my life. And then I was lucky enough to get into the biconic gc you started and I got to get to know you and wow? You're amazing. You're so funny and incredible and just... I stan forever??? You're truly a queen. ❤❤❤❤ One day your selfies are gonna kill me because you're that gorgeous. And honestly? What a way to go. So Celine, I hope you're having a wonderful day and may your life be filled with only the best of luck, may it be full of love and kindness because that's what you're giving to us and you deserve the same it in return. Ily ❤

@flowerfeasts (aka dani): I followed celine like a year ago because i used to see all my faves tagging her on my dash, so i thought she was very important and cool and i remember waiting like a few weeks to follow her cause i somehow thought that would increase the chances of her following me back? lmao anyway, i still think she is very cool and i LOVE her fashion sense and she is a libra! that means she is awesome

@harryandcats (aka lejla): CELINE MY ANGELBOO!!!! I’m sooo bad with words and tbh?? there’s not enough words to describe how much u mean to me anyway smh you’re one of the sweetest, funniest and smartest (let’s just not mention your posts and the things you say something BDJDNDNDB) and loveliest people I know!! you’re also so silly sometimes but in a very cute and endearing way bdndn I could talk to you about literally anything, be it something deep or something random like poptarts bxjdndn speaking of poptarts we truly gotta meet someday and you’ll have to buy me lots of things and in return you’ll get the biggest hug of your life!!!! sounds like a plan if you ask me anYWAY I lov u with my whole heart, you’re my love, my life, my wife, my gf, my bitch, my boo, but most importantly: my dumbass ✌🏻😔 I hope you have the loveliest day!!!! Happy Birthday, Celine!! 💗🌈💕

@harrysnotechanges (aka kristyna):  Celine 💕💕 you are so funny and such a kind and generous person (not to mention gorgeous, ugh it’s not fair). I’m pretty sure I first started following you because of your url (I mean how much more iconic could you get,,, and I couldn’t agree more, the bta pants were the best pants Harry has ever worn tbh) and I stayed because you’re just an amazing human being. Ily 💕💕💕 Happy birthday!

@gettingdizzy (aka sav): I LOVE CELINE she is super kind and funny and like a little sister to me!! talking to her always makes my day better :) im not even sure why i started following her we probably got put in a gc together or something but im so glad i did!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILY

@nofoookingway (aka jess): Oh boy, lil Celine. The cutest bean I’ve ever seen. I know we don’t speak anymore bc I’m trash and got too overdramatic about a stupid lil thing, but I’m so glad that we still follow each other and I see you on my dash every day. Your posts never go without a typo, even if it’s just the tags, and that’s probably my favorite thing about you. You’re so expressive and so weird in the best of ways. I’m pretty sure you’re starting uni (if you’re not smack me), but I know you’re going to kill it. It’s hard af, and it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna hate it sometimes, but believe me when I say I know you can do it and that you will have a blast once you find your niche. If I can do it, you sure as hell can. I wholeheartedly believe that. Anyways, I hope your birthday is just as fun and amazing as you are. ilysm 💛💛

@leesh (aka leesh lol): HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope u have the absolute best birthday ever bc it’s what she deserves and i hope harry makes an appearance again looking absolutely fabulous bc it’s also what she deserves (maybe wearing the bta pants? yes i’m putting it into existence!!!!). i honestly can’t rmbr how or why i started following you, maybe it was a gc or maybe i just liked ur blog, i have a terrible memory, but i am SO GLAD whatever the reason I DID. i love seeing ur posts on my dash and i love seeing what you’ve got to say and i also love talking to u in gc’s and stuff. ur a cool gal and i’m glad we had a chance to become mutuals and pals. again i hope u have the best way day ever and get spoilt rotten. i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖✨

@kiwiintro (aka kayla):  Happy Birthday Celine Bean! I hope it's amazing I love u and you're so iconic and amazing and ur an actual Meme™️ sometimes anyways again I hope your birthday is amazing and have fun being 1(one) year older ❤

@harryftvans (aka teresa): celine my dearest witch princess and gentle air spirit happiest of birthday wishes to you!!! someone’s getting old lol anyway I wish u all the best and hope you have a great day and that a lot of other great days will follow because u only deserve happiness and love and ~good vibes~ in your life!! stay ur amazing self, you’re always so chill and laid back (which is nice in this hectic world gksndn) and even when you pull a zayn on us at the end of the day you’re always there for us, being supportive and it’s always a delight to talk to you and hear stories from you!!! great britain is blessed to have you for the next couple of months/years (hope u have a nice time at uni I believe in u) so yea enjoy your day hope it’s filled with lots of love and hugs!! i’m glad you’ve been brought into the world and i’m glad we were out in the same group chat I couldn’t imagine my days without u, love you v much💕

@pinkflaredpants (aka iris): No offence but it's been a whole ass year since we first heard medicine and still no fuckin studio version of sott.

@britneytshirt (aka daria): celine, remember the day we became mutuals? it’s definitely been a year(+) now, can you believe it’s been that long? i followed u not really expecting to be followed back and u followed me about .02 seconds later and honestly i was a lil shocked. so i put my insecurities aside and decided to text u and u said u just saw my url and liked it and followed me. like?! *harry voice* craziness right? anyway, i like to think of u as a little present from life. when we started talking i was very lonely and literally cried myself to sleep every other night and having a friend, you, to talk to made me realise nothing is ever that bad and in a way... gave me hope? you mean so much to me. you’re always fun to talk to, u always have the funniest things to say. and most importantly, i know i can always count on u for whatever, you’ll be there to listen to me. so thank u. i’m so grateful i have a celine in my life. i love u

me (aka moi): so....celine, where do I even start? from those very first few months when I joined this fandom in september last year we were close friends. we started our first conversation about old 1d memes and the rest is history. I don’t think there’s been a time in the last year or so where I haven’t spoken to you, and I really couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I look forward every day to chatting with you in the gc and i’m always just in awe of how accepting, loving, caring and truly inspiring you are as a person. I love hearing you speak italian in the rare voice messages you send, and especially your selfies (I will hold the belief that you should be a model to the grave I think tbh). you inspired me to love myself for who i am and we’ve grown as friends into something I never thought i’d reach. i’m never going to be able to fully articulate the weight you hold in my life or the impact you’ve had on me, and i’m bad at expressing my feelings anyway, but I just wanted you to know how LOVED you are, by me, and from everyone here. I can’t wait to eventually meet you once you’re settled over here and I can’t wait for the memories and shows we’ll make in the future. thank you for being you, and please never stop being your amazing self 💕

[targaryenparty]

Targaryen Restoration: is it bittersweet? Or is it too disney?

I see many people claiming that an ending with both Daenerys and Jon ruling together would be too disney, too predictable or too happy for GRRM’s style of writing. The thing is: aren’t Targaryens the most ambiguous family in Westeros? From what I’ve seen, people’s opinions about them (and I mean people inside the story and the fans/public, outside of it) seem to be either: they are amazing or they are terrible. And isn’t that kinda the definition of a bittersweet ending? Being divided because it is good, but at the same time bad? Something happy, but sad? Something ambiguous, that we can’t really define?

I think Targaryens regaining their dominance over the country is the most realistic GRRM “style” of ending. Notice how I’m purposely avoiding saying that they will sit on the throne, cause I don’t even think there will be one at the end the story. Judging from the few things George has said about his endgame (1. it will be happy, but bittersweet and 2. not naive like it happened in Lord of the Rings, when Aragorn had no ruling experience but somehow managed to ‘rule wisely’), it makes sense to expect that the two characters who spent the whole series being groomed to rule (more than any other character) are the ones ruling wathever is left in the end. 

But it’s too predictable! If you think this has a happy ending, you’re not paying attention! One of them will die! Two of the main characters ruling with a family is to disney for Game of Thrones! Is it? Well, if they were Starks, maybe. Starks are the ones universally liked and seen as the honorable heroes. And a “disney ending” is all about that: rewarding honorable heroes for going throught shit and giving them a happy and hopeful ending. But Targaryens aren’t seen as heroes in this universe. So how could an endgame that is hopeful for them be considered a disney ending? 

It’s been stated many times in the series that Targaryens “cannot be trusted”, or that every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin. Or how dragons do not plant trees. Targaryen fans (like me) may argue that those are nothing but preconceived views some people wrongly have of them, but it’s still how they (and a big part of the fandom) feel, and this hate sentiment won’t change, no matter how good Jon and Dany prove to be. 

For Targaryen fans, a restoration would be more happy than bittersweet, obviously. But what about the northerners? Would it be happy for them? Or anyone in Westeros who is afraid of them? Or for the huge part of the fandom that hates them? Or for people from the general audience who have been influenced by the story itself not to trust them? Targaryens could have easily been written to be perfect creatures and the ultimate good guys like the Starks. It would actually be way easier for George to make them godlike, insanely beautiful and morally perfect human beings. But instead, he chose not to. 

George made them flawed in a way that made them incredibly ambiguous and controversial. And I believe he did that on purpose. So at the end of his story, if the Targaryen dynasty is restored, the public/readers wouldn’t be fully happy about it. I mean, most people would be happy for Jon and Dany finding happiness and building a family. But they are, after all, an incestuous couple, and a family for them means for us (and Westeros) that generations of Targaryens will follow them. How can the public know these next Targaryens will be good like them when so many characters within the story claim they can’t be trusted? How can we know if one of them won’t be mad like Aerys since so many characters talk about this supposed ‘Targaryen madness’? How can we know that one of them won’t fuck up like Rhaegar did and then restart the game of thrones all over again? How can we know if somehow along the way, one of their descendants won’t hatch a dragon egg and use it to terrorize Westeros? We won’t know. And I think that’s what George wanted for his ending. That’s the bittersweet he wants. We would know the end (Daenerys and Jon rule together and try to rebuild a wrecked Westeros) but at the same time we wouldn’t (what comes after them?). We know both are ultimately good intended characters, but fans would have no way of knowing if the ones that will follow them are, and I believe we would never reach an agreement about it, because Targaryens are divisive like no other family.

So what the series has been doing from the beginning is: manipulating the public into admiring these two characters (that happen to be the last Targaryens in this world) and making us love their greatness, but also inducing us into not fully trusting them purely for their last name and what it might represents for the future of the realm (Daenerys especially, cause Jon still has that noble Stark side that automatically makes people overlook lots of things).

If we consider this, it even starts to make sense why D&D chose to change Daenerys so much from her character in the books. With less ways to give information about Targaryens, their past and their grey nature, they chose to portray that to the general audience in the obvious way: turning Daenerys into a way greyer character, colder than book Dany and more “fire and blood” than her book version. And now, in season 7, even alluding to a growing “madness” in her (which I thought was really forced and out of nowhere, but perhaps it was an easy way to establish that Targaryens aren’t disney heroes). 

This kind of ending (defined, but somehow open to interpretations) is incredibly smart, because it forces fans to try to guess, even though an agreement may never be reached. What do we do when they try to guess? We search, engage and we buy. And what would we buy? Things that could give us clues about Targaryens and their way of ruling, spin-offs series about them, books or novels with Targaryen history and characters. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that GRRM writes so much about them but not about other houses. 

[There’s this iconic brazilian book which has an ending open for interpretations, and because of it, it’s considered the greatest piece of brazilian literature ever written. It’s called Dom Casmurro, by Machado de Assis, and since 1899, fans and critics have never reached an agreement about the ending, and it’s still, to this day, extensively discussed and analyzed. All that cause the main character was really grey and it’s impossible to decide if he’s the “villain” or the “hero” of the story. Any writer would be smart to follow Machado’s formula lol]

So taking all of this into account, this is what I think the the series endgame might be:

I think the great houses that once dominated and thrived in the beginning of the story will all be left to their last survivors. Tyrells and Martels are already gone (in the show). I think Tyrion will be the last Lannister, and will have to choose between his role as Dany’s adviser and his duty to his family. I think Arya will survive, but she might leave Westeros along with Gendry (that again, is the last survivor of his house). I think Bran will die, but even if he doesn’t, he’ll never be Bran Stark again and would go further north to be the 3ER full time. So that leaves Sansa as the last Stark in Winterfell. I think Theon and Euron will both die, leaving Yara as the last Greyjoy as well. And lastly, I think Dany and Jon will both live and defeat their enemies, but they will lose Ghost, the dragons and most of their people and close friends. They will then rise as leaders and start rebuilding Westeros. By the end of the season, they’ll probably be married and with a newborn child. The other survivors will have no choice but to accept them as their king and queen (despite not approving their marriage), given their experience with ruling and their leadership during the Great War. 

And then there is, all those great houses we learned to admire in the beginning of the story will be left with a just few survivors, struggling to revive their names. And the one house that started with nothing, with just a few survivors will now start thriving and they will rule (more like rebuild) whatever is left of the land. Not only that, they will have heirs and House Targaryen will start growing strong like it once was. But the public will forever be left with the question: is it for the good of the realm? A Targaryen Restoration means the original wheel is rebuilt, and with that, we would be left to guess what comes after it starts spinning again.

[collection-19]

SUNDAY 09 FEB 2020

0400

(((I’ve messed up a lot in my life I wasn’t really there, not because of the people around me but because of me. I didn’t know myself and still don’t really know, but I’m closer because I can see what I was doing. I don’t know everything but I know im in a different place right now, mentally. And I feel stronger, more there, I was ready before for a lot of things, and people got hurt along the journey of my lessons and teachings and that what I feel for the most, the pieces lost along the way. the moments lost. I wasn’t honest, but first to myself and that was that caused it all. not seeing yourself here. But now I see more clearly, I am more of my own person, I acted unaligned impulsively because of the circumstance but I’m changing them now - the words are right, this isn’t how it sounds in my head 0445)))

Man shits been playing on my mind a lot in the last couple months. I’ve been through a lot and have absorbed so much knowledge and experience and choas along the way. The current climate scares me. Im talking about the social, political, economic and environmental climate. Theres so many wrong doings going on rn that my current positions as a student seems irrelevant to the future we could see. Im questioning a lot of things right now and i can see things in this huge web. Everything is interconnected. Its time to start waking up, growing, learning. We need to be absorbing quality content, i mean real shit man. What is happening with indigenous communiates. Why have their rights been stripped. Why are we not learning more about the world today. Why arent we leaning about the history that created the world today. How are we meant to move forward without understanding the past, our past. If you look properly, if you see, you see that actions have changed but the motivations are still the same. We need more dialogue, experience, understanding and to learn from each other. Just start using your time to learn, and enjoy. Enjoy the here and now, living in the present, and have a undertsanding relationship with the past and future. We are more than just employees, social media profiles, constituents. We are active citizens that should be more engaged and participating. We shouldnt just contribute to society throught misplaced votes, jury duty and taxes. We all have a voice right? Its should be normal to talk, speak up, its time to understand what you’re really hearing and seeing. I’m not saying be radical, i’m saying just start questioning more - openly! Without judgement and discrimination (i’m talking about that conditioned hatred not the shit you ‘know’ is bad, that systemic embedded bullshit - we all are players we just don’t see it) and be open to explore things from different perspecitives. Its time to wake up. Life is short, but it means something…

Intentions, motivations, morals, justifications. It’s fine and healthy to be questioning yourself no?, i wish more people voiced some kind of active search for understand of the roots of out opinions, prefernces and actions - right?. We are all people, just living different experiences.

What is speciesism? - why is this relevant.

Im not some radical person, if you knew me in my life you’ll see i’m just a mellow people whos trying to take life easy. Trying to embrace the flow ya feel. I have opinions but they change, i am open to all opinions were people are willing to delve deeper. I dont know much, i’m not someone who thinks they know it all bc i dont, theres too much, im just trying to make sense of the things around me. I dont know the definietions or how to use big words but language is powerful and its kinda mad. Life is a journey of learning and evolving. Are we moving forward? We need more love, kindness, positivity, for everyone. The bigger picture man.

If theres a possibilty of harm, isnt it even worth it. Im talking about suffering and lofe and death here. The real shit people are subjected too. I live a privileged life, i do, and its disgusting that i could be living such a different life if i was born as a different race, different sex, different gender, different appearance, different body type, different height, different household, different class status, different country, difference community, different species. Why would lofe be different? Bc we have lost that sense of collectiveness, them roots. its just comparisons. We’ve lost the sense and the fact that we all live of this earth sharing the same big varied environment but we’re all in the same atmosphere, in the same planet, in the same solar system. in the same… we can go on for days here aha. I guess something that might be fitting is something i heard years ago, (maybe from buddhism) but it went something like we are all just individual drops in a ocean, but a ocean can be still or turbulant right? I dont know what i’m getting at but i think i mean we are all small but we are all part of a collective you know. We can make waves together. I think the key is in that togetherness, is that understanding (but time is running out) we gotta come together man, in today with the people you see, we need to be talking about uncomfortable topics, about hate crimes, terrorism, sex, relationships, traumas, politics, laws, the environment, the food we eat, the things we do, our routines, our likes and dislikes, there are soooooo many more things, but think about some how you’ve known people but how many times have been talked about the experiences that have shaped us or the things that are shaping who we are and our actions. We gotta alogn ourselves, and inner selves. The mind that talks while its quiet. The things that bug you or lifts you. Its a lot more man.

[bornconfused444]

Running throught eh parking lot, He chased me and he wouldn’t stop, Tag, you’re it, tag tag you’re it, Grabbed my hair pushed me down, Took the words right out my mouth

Do you know who your latest ex is dating?

No one.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

Yes.

Who were you on the phone with last?

I don’t know I rarely talk on the phone.

What were you doing at 7 am today?

Sleeping.

Do you have your eye on anyone at the moment?

My boyfriend.

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others?

Yes.

Would you date someone taller than you?

Yes I prefer to date someone taller than me but it isn’t difficult to do because pretty much everyone is taller than me.

Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?

Sometimes but I guess it really depends on my mood at that moment.

What are you plans for the weekend?

So far I’ve just been in bed chilling tomorrow I’m hoping to be with my boyfriend.

Could you last in a relationship for over a year?

Yes.

If you could see one person right now, who would it be?

My boyfriend right now. I just have had the worst day and really need a hug from him…

Has anyone disappointed you recently?

Kind of.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?

I would hope so because we’re texting,

When were you last in a car?

A couple days ago.

What is the last song you heard?

Pacify Her by Melanie Martinez.

Do you like meeting new people?

Sometimes.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?

Like I’ve said before my life is A stressful situation.

Are you a forgiving person?

Not unless you mean a Hell of a lot to me.

Where do you wish you were right now?

Somewhere with my boyfriend just cuddling because I really need him right nw but he’s sick as fuck and can’t be here because he doesn’t wanna get me sick.

Have you cried today at all?

Literally what my whole day has consisted of.

Do you have trust issues?

Yeah.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?

Yes.

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally or mentally unstable?

Yes. It works well when I myself are also mentally unstable because then we know we at least have one thing in common.

Have you ever had Bronchitis?

Yes once.

How many drugs are in your system?

7 legal ones thanks medication.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow?

I don’t know hopefully seeing the boyfriend.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body?

One is sort of starting to go away finally.

Do you usually answer your texts?

Yes.

Do you call anyone baby?

Yes.

Who was the last person to text you?

Boyfriend.

Is it easier to pretend everything’s okay for you than show emotion?

Sometimes. That’s what I like to do anyways until I’m by myself.

What’s your current mood?

Sad, stressed, heartbroken because I feel really alone and depressed today.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?

No I need complete quiet to sleep.

Do you think you are a good person?

Sometimes.

Are all of your friends virgins?

No.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept?

Yes.

Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming?

Nope.

Is your phone fully charged right now?

Nope.

What were you doing before filling out this survey?

I was doing another survey.

How late did you stay up last night?

Like 12.

When was the last time you cried really hard?

Today.

Are you afraid of roller coasters?

No.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

LOL yes.

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?

Yes.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 7 days?

Yes.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

Yeah I’m trying to grow it out.

Do you know anyone else with your name?

I used to.

Last person who gave you a ‘good morning’ text?

Boyfriend.

Do you think you will ever get married?

I don’t want to.

Have you ever watched a movie in another language?

Yes, I still watch them sometimes, I love it

Whose was the last vehicle you rode in?

Mine

The last person that made you angry, did you tell them?

No because I don’t know him personally. If I did, I would tell him, oh yes I would tell him for sure

What did you purchase last?

Bottle of water

What are you listening to?

Melanie Martinez- Tag, You’re It.

Are you an alcoholic?

Nope.

Is anything bothering you?

Yes.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Yes.

Do you like pizza?

I love it. <-- same.

Are you afraid of snakes?

Yes.

Have you ever just laid down outside and stared at the stars?

Yes.

Do you have any scars?

Yes and I think I’ll have another one as of today.

Are you afraid to answer sexual questions?

No.

[thekirstenkhaye]

Thank you, 2018. NEXT!

Ari, I’m sorry. Just trying to be punny there.

Peace y’all! Hope that didn’t get to shoo you away from reading this entry. Bear with me, please. I just really suck when it comes to my intros. Now let’s move on, eh? NAKA MOVE ON NGA AKO EH, kayo pa kaya?

Kirsten, ENOUGH.

K, let’s do this 😊

This entry will be full-packed of stories, facts and reflections from how this year had been. You know why? Well, I may not have been updating that much on my social media accounts anymore of all the things that have had happened this past year, but I swear to G! This year has probably been the MOST EVENTFUL year that I’ve had thus far. Of course, when I suffered from that ruptured AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation) in my brain and tried to recover from it on the years 2013-2014 will never be irreplaceable on being a major turning point in my life. However, if we’ll talk about on actually living life, 2018 has been one heck of a kind of roller coaster ride, living life to the fullest and a fckload of growing up.

So, let’s start. Shall we?

Honestly, I got side-tracked for a couple hours, in this exact part while writing. Yeah, shoot my short attention span and all over the place mind. But you’ll see why I had to do them first. I mean, that if you are actually here reading this and you know, thought of browsing and reading more of what is in this blog. Because I assure you, just clicking on those words up there in the header, you’ll see more. And yes, I’m shamelessly plugging now and wasting more of your time just to read more of my nonsense blabs because I did update everything that you can read here that are just extra. Hihi. I’m so sorry. But I hope you liked what you’ve read if you actually spent some time reading one or two more entries from this blog other than this one.

Now, let’s truly begin.

First of all, I guess, as how I always start my entries.. You’re here now in my somewhat personal space, my outlet, my blog, welcome to Lifenigma!

It has been awhile yet again since I last posted a decent entry. If I’m not mistaken, it has been 4 long months. And to be honest, even though it has been that long already, some things are still as complicated as how they were. Although, let me emphasize with “some”, eh? Because for the last couple months, there is at least one thing that have cleared in my life. You wanna know what?

Well, have you ever asked yourself what the Amighty has been thinking why on the name of Him you are alive and has to live your frigging life? SAME. I know. Especially in times when you just don’t know what to do with your life. Yes, I have asked the same question maybe more than a thousand times that He probably got tired of it already and now just showed me how I could determine the answer to my never ending query.

It wasn’t easy, I must say. It took me awhile to figure it out. And then one day, you know, I realized, damn, this is me. This is my purpose. This is the reason why I’m not laying stone cold dead 9 feet under. I found it and my passion for it has what kept me driven to wake up every single day with a very optimistic mind, heart and soul.

So you know what? There may be things that are very complicated until this moment I’m typing this entry out, but by just thinking of this purpose of mine in this world, I’m full, I’m complete and I’m sure that I’ll get by no matter what. All these complicated things that are bugging me are just bonuses of accepting to live the life He still gave me a chance to live, one more time. I mean, this may not be the last time that He’ll let me, but who knows right?This might be the last one, too, already but I don’t mind anymore. Because I know by now that I got to live it with a purpose, and not just surviving it for my own benefit.

You’re probably itching to know now what on earth is this girl has been talking about, aren’t you? Well, if you are my friend or even just an acquaintance from somewhere now that I’ve been visiting to, you would know somehow. You’ll probably have a guess that is probably right anyway. But if you’re not and are just here because you saw my tweet or post somewhere about this and got curious so you clicked on it and tried reading, then let me tell a brief story first.

Hi, Hello! This girl’s name is Kirsten but usually, people call me “Kaye” now. It’s actually just K like the letter because that’s from my nickname before which was ‘KL’ but somewhere along the way of my life, some people in it were lazy enough to not include L in calling me hence it ended up with K. But I’m too extra to just stuck myself with a one letter name so I created my own name that most people actually thought now that it’s my real second name, so yeah. Anyways, enough about my name. That’s actually not the story that I want you to know. But at least now you know, right? Hihi. Okay, moving on.

I think let’s just cut this story short. I’m 23 now so it has been how many years now? LOL, do the math, man. But yeah, when I was 17, it was summer, April 9th of 2013 if I can remember it correctly. It was around noon, we were taking a break from arranging the decorations in the garden of our client where her son’s going to have his party. We were having our lunch, talking about stuff that I couldn’t really remember anymore. Then I went for a glass of ice cold coke, took a sip and the next thing I know is there was this electricity-like that went from my head straight out to my left arm that it felt like it’s going to get removed from my body on how strong the current that went throught it was. When I got my consciousness back, I was already in the ICU with my head feeling like they’re going to break open and all I could think of was “Why isn’t there a priest here, yet? Am I not going to die already?” But somehow, I survived one whole week aching in the ICU with tubes attached to my groin, my mouth, my nose, my arm, my hand. Somehow, I just woke up one day, the nurses were already rolling me up to a Recovery Room. And in the Recovery Room was when I figured I could not move anything on the left part of my body anymore. It was when I talked, my saliva would just drip uncontrollably on the side of my mouth. It was when I wanted to scratch my arm where my IV was taped on, but I couldn’t even lift my left arm. It was when I wanted to pee, only to realize that there was a catheter in my you-know-where. It was when I got hungry and asked for a food and they gave me a blended shit and fed me through an NGT (Nasogastric Tube). It was when for the first time in a very long time, I had to be bathe by other people. And all I had to do was go with all of it because it was the situation that I had to deal with.

Okay, story time is over.

Was it sad? Was it depressing? Well, that was only my vague memories in the hospital, ladies and gentleman. But everything that happened clearly in my head after that fate I had to get through, well, let’s just not talk about it. 2013-2014 were the years that I had to deal with all of that. One takeaway from those years? Depression isn’t just a phase. It’s something that you will just learn to live with. Ever wonder why I need this blog? It doesn’t really do much to me just like how usual bloggers out there right now are benefiting from it. No, I don’t have this for things like that. I tried though, I won’t deny that. But I realized, no, this is not that. This is my outlet. This is where I can breathe all the bottled up thoughts and feelings that I have to let go of somehow because I wouldn’t ever get to do that with anyone in person.

Now, again, Kirsten, get to the point, yeah? What is this purpose of yours that you have found? LOL. Okay, folks! Relax. Hihi. Here you go.

It’s pretty obvious, I guess. Especially to those people who have an idea of what I have been doing this past year. Yes, I have been volunteering with stuff that has something to do with the sector of Persons with Disabilities. I have been since 2017. However, I guess, 2017 was more on like empowering myself first as a person with disability that has accepted her new given life as a cause of having an acquired disability. In 2018 though, I began to start seeing the potential in me of becoming a leader. The potential that somehow, some other people had seen first than seeing it myself first. And in this year, I have embraced that. It was tiring. It was even nerve-wracking at some point. It actually came to a point also that it overwhelmed me somehow. But you know what? While all of those were what I was feeling, I’m still willing to do everything just for something that it needs for it to be done. And that’s how I found it, my purpose. That in the same way I got myself empowered despite my disability, I want to help other people with disabilities too to see the silver lining of their situation. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’ve seen it for a year now. But I know, one day, if not all, at least there will be more PWDs out there that wouldn’t be afraid to get out anymore because they know they are also part of the society, that they matter. And somehow, I hope, one day, the community would be more disability inclusive already and not see and treat them as an outlier.

And you know, just as simple as knowing that I’ve got to acknowledge them, that’s enough for me. Because, you know, sometimes, people just need to feel that there’s a person that sees him/her and would be willing to listen of what he/she is going to say. Sometimes some people just want to share something that happened to them and all you have to do is listen, and you know sometimes that already means a lot to somebody.

Anyways, I’m not exaggerating here, okay? I’m not even trying to put myself on the pedestal of being an effin good samaritan. Cause well, let me tell you, almost all my co-leaders actually know how much of a bitch I can be when I’m out of it with being an angel. LMAO. You get my point there already, I guess, yeah?

You’re probably wondering now why I’m stressing that topic so much in this entry when this is a year-ender one. It’s simple, I think. It’s just that I’m very thankful that at the end of this very rocky year that I’ve had in 2018, I got to end it with this very meaningful turn of events. It’s very simple, if you would think of it. It’s just one thing. But I guess it’s just that meaningful and powerful that it let me look over all the not-so-nice things that have happened to me this year. Frankly, I can’t even feel the pain from them hard times anymore. I haven’t forgotten them and I don’t think I’d ever will, but you know, it’s not that much of a big deal to me anymore.

I know and I’m sure of it that one of these days, I will have to face them  ̶  you know, family matters, my lovelife and I should probably include here my work too. But as I said up there, these are all just bonuses to me already. I’ll deal with them in time. But for now, wherever those other things are at in this life of mine, I’m just glad that they are there making me this strong woman that I am now.

My dear 2018, with all the pain and disappointments you brought me, I still thank you. So please, tara na sa NEXT! Hehe. Just kiddin, not really that in a hurry. Not much but I don’t think anyone has a choice now anyway but be ready for another year, yeah?

I hope you all have reflected on the things 2018 had brought you, may they be good or not so good. You still have time to do it. 2019 is just around the corner now. And as most people say, NEW YEAR, NEW ME! Can be. But always remember, It’s just another day to live by. Just keep on going. And bear this in mind, you don’t have to be a brand new you, you just have to make sure that you are here willing to be better than you were earlier.

 Vivre la vie au maximum, folks! Bonne Année!

                         ~Kaye

PS: I know I didn’t talk about some other stuff that you might be expecting I would talk about. I will. I will, okay? Just saving it for a different entry, just so I’d be motivated to use my laptop and start writing my thoughts out again, than bottling them up and just forcing myself to not mind them that much because it would just be too much. So, just STAY TUNED, I guess. And do come back again, if you’re a new visitor. Have a happy New Year! 😊

[imnotpunx]

I've realized why I've been having such a hard time making friends. I suppose I keep expecting others to be as kind, nice, and inclusive as I am. But that's not what the people of Toronto are like. That's not what people these days are like.

I realized this from the day and night experiences I felt at two different events over two days. It really opened my mind to what was painfully obvious. I've gotten so used to thinking everything negative that happens is my fault thanks to a certain ex. But attending these two events back-to-back made me realize that people are just jerks.

On Sunday I attended the annual Toronto Gothic Picnic for the first time. I got there early because experience has thought me that when you don't know anyone, getting there early increases your chances of meeting people and getting in conversations as there is no one else for them to talk to. And then, as more people arrive, they they would join in since everyone else already knows each other.

Things were going good. We all had a common interest, and while I wasn't super talkative I did have a good time. Halfway throught the event I noticed someone show up by themselves and just kinda sat by themselves a little apart from the group looking lost. I expected the event organizer or some other vetran of the event would introduce themselves and welcome them into the group. But no one did. Every time I looked up he was still on his own and people just kept walking past him. It was so weird. Even the organizer. Nobody talked to him or made him feel welcome. I've had this happen to me more time than I care to remember. Eventually I decided to take it upon myself to approach him. I introduced myself and brought him into the circle. He was a nice guy, we talked to a bit and I could tell he had some kind of mental differences. Nonetheless, I didn't have any issues with him. Though someone did whisper to me that they found him annoying. Ok kool, thanks for sharing I guess. I wonder how many people talk about me behind my back?

Anyway, that social excursion made me feel up to coming out to a "munch" on Monday evening. A munch is basically a meetup at a pub for people of certain interests and age range. I've been to it a couple of time before but took a hitus as I felt people were becmoing disinterested in me. I was aiming to come early but ended up arriving a little bit into the start of things. Not a big deal, I sat at a random table with some others. Everyone was involved in conversation. I didn't seem to be able to get in on any of it. More people came, people said hi to eachother and joined conversations, including at my table and yet I still was unincluded. I was defintely trying my best to appear eager to engage. Even people I have met previously weren't really interested in talking. I realized people only care about themselves and theier friends. They won't go out of their way to make people feel welcome. This is the difference between myself and pretty much most people in this city. I ended up leaving early.

There is the Metal BBQ this coming Saturday and now I'm on the fence again. I already have reason not to go to that, so this isn't helping.

Anyway, my point is you usually make friends with people who have something in common with you - usually personality. And I rarely meet people who share my outlook in life: be nice to people, be nice to animals and the envioment, and help make the world better. Who would have thought such an outlook on life would be so rare?

I want friends, but I don't want to be friends with assholes.

[talesfromtheepireofficial-blog]

Tales from the Empire, Book 1 Chapter 2

 Fire, Air, Water, Earth

46 Years ago, Avatar Korra brought balance to the world be reopening the spirit gates between our realm, and the Spirit World. 30 years past, and a new threat arose, the person calling themselves “The Concordat”

Avatar Korra fought the Concordat, but even the Avatar could not compete with the Leader of the “Restorationists.” Using Spirit Bending to close the Spirit Portals again, The Concordat quickly forced the rest of the world’s nations to bend the knee to their new empire. However, a new resistance has risen up, and we can only hope they defeat the enemy

Book 1: Service, Chapter 2, New Beginnings

The forest buzzed. It buzzed with animal noises, it buzzed with the groaning of trees expanding in the daylight, and it buzzed with heat. Kasei hiked up the hill, a sack of meat she had just hunted down slung over her shoulder. In front of her, she could see the break in the trees marking where she and Ling had made camp for the night. Pushing herself the final steps out of the humid forest, she collapsed to the ground and felt the immediate bliss of the clearings fresh air. She laid still on the ground for a minute, catching her breath before sitting up again and looked around the clearing. She saw that Ling had returned from gathering nuts and berries and the like and was now practising earthbending. Ling had the scowl of concentration he always had when he used his new found gifts. His shoes had been kicked to the side and his toes dug into the earth. Suddenly, Ling lifted up and stomped his foot into the ground, causing a pillar of earth to shoot up and hit him squarely in the face. Kasei laughed and said “Truely I am in the presence of the greatest earthbender of all time. Even Avatar Kyoshi would fear your might.”

Ling wiped some blood away from his lip and took his homemade earthbending stance again. Yelling, he suddenly levitated a large boulder nearby and threw it through several trees on the edge of the clearing. Grinning at his handiwork, he said “I don’t see you practising. Did you have Firelord Zuko teach you? Are you the greatest firebender of all time?”

Kasei said “Ten days on the road together and that’s the best you can come up with Mudboy? My grandmother could insult people better than you and she could find the redeeming qualities in a Bloblemur. And no, I don’t need to practice because unlike you I’m putting my talents to use hunting.” 

Ling sat down now as well and began eating a couple of berries from his sack. They had gotten the sacks off of a caravan they had passed a few days ago, despite Kasei’s multiple protests. Ling told her they wouldn’t have missed them anyways. Looking around, Ling told Kasei “We should be about a day from town now. Once we arrive we head straight for the central temple and join the local garrison. That should help us hide from that crazy Airbender.” 

Kasei nodded, not happy to be reminded of the man who had ordered the execution of her family. Looking around, she asked Ling “Where do you think he is? It’s been days since we last saw one of his troops and it looked like they were splitting up to find us.”

Ling scratched the back of his head and shrugged “I think we gave them the slip. Not many people could track us through those woods and I doubt anyone of them belong in that group. The Spirit World is still strong in this place. The temple was one of the places where the Concordat created the seal. They are like a few days behind us.” Suddenly, a blast of air shot past Ling’s head, nearly hitting him. He blinked before saying “Or they are right behind us. RUN!” Ling grabbed Kasei’s arm and made off for the woods. Captain Lon sprinted out of the trees after the pair of them. 

The chase went on for several minutes before Ling said to Kasei “I’m going to try and get us out of this, but you have to trust me.”

Kasei had just fired another fireball at Lon, who was jumping from tree to tree and firing airblasts at the pair. Kasei said “Trust you, why would I need to trust you...”

Ling just said “Hold my shoulder.” Suddenly, the two came upon a deep gorge. Creating a platform for the two to stand on, Ling summoned all of his concentration and began to lower the pair. Lon perched himself in a tree near the gorge, before suddenly jumping after them and using an airball to control his descent. Kasei shot a jet of flame at him, igniting the air Lon was using to hover. The airbender plummeted into the gorge. Ling said “Not exactly what I had in mind, but it works.” He then brought the platform back up to the edge of the cliff, got off and looked over the edge into the ravine. Staring down, he saw a river flowing down the middle, but no sign of Lon. Kasei was taking some heavy breathes while leaning against a nearby tree. Just when Ling thought it was certain that Lon was dead, a hand burst out of the river, grabbed a nearby rock and pulled Lon, bruised and battered, with one arm hanging limp next to him,out of the river. Lon looked vaguely in the direction of where he had fallen, before beginning to limp down the river. Ling told Kasei “We need to move. We want to reach town before he does.” Helping her recover her breath, the two began to walk in the direction of the town, which they could now see over the hills.

The town was large, but not quite large enough to be considered a city. Twenty foot high walls ringed the entire area, with another set of similar walls surrounding the temple. Black flags with the white restorationist symbol, a traditional anvil, representing the time before technology, rose above every parapet and tower on the walls. The buildings were traditional Earth Kingdom style with Fire Nation flair showing up on the odd house or two. As Ling and Kasei approached the gate, a guard pointed his spear at them. The guard said “Halt, state your business here in Siaocun.” 

Ling bowed to the guard and said respectfully “We are here to join the Frontier Garrison. Where do we sign up?”

The guard lowered his spear and said “Go up to the temple and speak to Liutenant Keling. She’ll decide wether she wants you or not. I’d not get your hopes up though, we arent’t taking anymore non-benders.”

Kaseri grabbed Ling’s hand and stormed past the guard, huffing and saying “Good thing we are benders then.”

Once they were inside the town Kasei let go of Ling. He asked her “What was that about? Did I miss something the guard said?’

Kasei sighed and shook her head. She was silent for a moment before looking straight ahead and saying back “My aunt was a non-bender. In a whole family of Fire and Earthbender she was the only one with no form of talent. She took it with a weird sort of pride, but no one thought anything of it. Then one day she murdered my grandfather and my uncle for being benders before my father arrived to check on my mom. They had just started dating and he was a little over protective. He restrained her after he found her mutilating the corpses. No one had known what had happened until he broke the news to them. Ever since then non-bender supremacy like that has been a sore point in my family, and frankly, it makes me sick.”

Ling throught she was reading to much into it but didn’t comment. The two arrived at the temple and were brought to the Liutenant. She was a shorter woman, standing about 5′5 with thick brown hair that went to her shoulders. Her eyes were a startling blue that gave her water tribe heritage away. Looking the two up and down, she said “Well what do we have here?”

Ling stepped forward and said “Ma’am, we are here to join your garrison. This is Kasei. Her faily fostered me when I was younger and I-”

The Liutenant cut him off and said “Spare me the specifics. I get the same sob story five times a month. Why are you really here.”

Ling swallowed and said “We decided to spare Kasei’s family some of the burden of living and ran away so they would have more food to eat. We aren’t really qualified to do anything but farm and bend-”

The Liutenant suddenly turned to them and asked “You two are benders?”

Ling akwardly looked around and said “Umm, yes, I’m an earthbender, although kind of untrained, and Kasei is a firebender.”

The Liutenant said “It’s your lucky day then meathead. I’ve got a small opening for two in the Eaglelizard squad. The guards will escort you to your dormitories and tommorrow we will judge your mind and bending abilities to see were you’ll start in the chain of command. There are three rules while you are under my command, Don’t steal, Don’t destroy, and Don’t ever go into the Temple’s central chamber. That’s it. Now get out of my sight.”

The pair were lead down the hall to a dormitory. They walked in to discover 4 beds, though only one was occupied. Ling and Kasei each picked a bed and were about to start talking to each other when a taller boy walked in. He had longer black hair and dull brown eyes. His jawline was rugged and he had the beginnings of a beard on his face. He looked at them and said “Hey. My names Yusaka. I’m your dorm mate I guess.”

Ling stood up and bowed in a traditional greeting. “Hey, I’m Ling and this is-”

KAsei had run up to get close to Yu the moment he had walked in. She said “Hi, my names Kasei. So your a soldier huh, what kind of weapons due you use or are you a bender. I’m just wondering because-” 

Yu had shushed her before saying “I’m still on duty right now, but I would happy to talk later.” and with that he marched off presumably back to his post.

Ling collapsed onto the bed, exhausted from the journey. He told Kasei “Nice googoo eyes Hotstuff. What were you trying to do their, bloodbend him into loving you?”

Kasei snorted and said “What would you know about being in love? You haven’t lived anywhere for more than a year since you were five.” Her retort fell on deaf ears though, as Ling was already snoring. Kasei rolled over and fell asleep as well.