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Tutorial on Pause

Ghost updated yesterday and now what once worked no longer works so... I’m going to have the update the first post and redo it. Hey such is the nature of the internet. Meow. 

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Programmers also make such faces... right before bashing their heads into screens and keyboards. 

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Where Am I in General?

So I really suck at math but I really want to get into a subset of A.I. which is a dramatic and ambitious goal but a good goal to have now since a lot of people are on this journey. 

I’m reading math books for people who aren’t mathematicians to help me understand math style thinking and they’ve been helping me out a lot even in filling in gaps with programming. 

So... this is my plan. The M in STEM is very real and while yes, you do not know need to be a math major to learn to program, as someone who has a weird background in programming where I was exposed deep and shallow but not quite the middle... its just easier if you learn a bit of relevant math. Math feels scary, especially if you come from an American system of education because the general population isn’t really taught how to think and analyze. We are taught how to take instructions from corporate organizations. Even our greatest math whizzes are taught how to crunch numbers for banks instead of solving real problems. 

Math requires a certain kind of thinking and its not always about exploring problems to get the perfect result. Math is really about exploring problems worthy of your time by figuring out how to ask the right questions. 

So really I’m learning how to break down the world in order to ask the right questions. As I finish books I’ll post reviews. 

I’m also working on building a self hosted blog for the industry I am in. I’m figuring out ui/ux stuff. 

I’m also using the month of August to build some small projects related to the blog. 

As for freecodecamp... after my projects in August are wrapped up I will pick it up again. These August projects have to get pushed out of my system. 

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Let’s Talk About Some Really Serious *Bleep*

If you are reading this you can look at the date of when I first started this blog. This is kind of a summary that mixes the past, the present, and stuff that has happened since I last posted. I have a lot to talk about and I really hope this helps someone out there. 

Let me begin.

On Portals of Stability

You can’t function in this industry if you do not figure out a way to create a stable life for yourself. It does not have to be fun. It does not have to be wealthy. It does not have to be full of amazing people. It just has to be stable enough where you can focus on completing a specific goal at a specific time and not have that compete with anything else. 

So I recognize that you could be homeless but totally teach yourself how to code because if you have access to a library’s computer system and a dedicated time every day, all you need to do is show up. Things get a little bit more complicated if you have serious responsibilities to take care of or if you get really really really sick. 

Portals of stability are important because motivation runs out. Let’s say you gain enough skills with programming to enter the workforce and get some damn good job offers. But you don’t have a stable home situation for recovering from the stresses of life. Even though you have finally arrived at your goal of working in tech in a job based on your skills, you don’t have the emotional support you need to survive. 

All the women I know in tech that I would consider to be mentors and beloved friends have burnt the fuck out. I’m looking at them because they kind of represent a future that I can step into and I’m really thinking about... how I can be here without destroying myself. And that’s something that skills like programming don’t address. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know the difference between the women who burnt the hell out and eventually circled back and the women who did not is that the survivors figured out how to create stability by pursuing freelance situations where they did not have to be exposed to a daily violence present in a lot of tech workplaces. But they had to do a LOT to get the point of where they can pull that off. They had to be exposed to a lot of mental fuckery and sometimes physical violence. I don’t know if I have that in me for that specific field and yet I know I have no choice but to stay here. 

On How to Reconfigure an Unstable Life

So my life has been highly unstable almost since I was a kid. I kept running into these patterns where I’m already working under conditions that are set up against me. I last longer than I am expected to, but I still end up failing because I never had the resources I needed to begin with. 

Finally, it clicked one day that instead of doing this cycle that feels like a constant start, stop, start stop, start stop, brakes and pedal at the same time movement... I need to just rearrange my life. 

This meant getting rid of people.

This meant re-evaluating what time is to me.

This meant thinking about what I’d be upset with the most if I knew I was going to die this year without completing something.

This also meant letting emotional weights go - forgiving people, acknowledging trauma, acknowledging things I suck at but have too much pride to publicly admit, forgiving myself, giving myself time to physically heal and emotionally heal and breath - really breath. 

This also meant finding a job that works with me even if its not the job others think I should have. In other words, money is not everything if it constantly gets in the way of completing whatever the hell it is you want to complete. 

This also meant qualifying advice because most advice given (including possibly my own in this post) is fucked up, bad, and doesn’t relate to what you are actually going through. My mentors in tech come from backgrounds so vastly different from me that at a certain point they just could not relate. The economic conditions, the social conditions, etc., its just too wide of a gap sometimes when shit hits the fan. So I found that usually I was better off trusting my own gut instincts then doing the “right” thing and seeking the opinion of someone who supposedly has been there before me. There were exceptions but the exceptions where advice actually fit were so rare that I can count them on three fingers. 

This meant recognizing distractions. I have a digital addiction. I’ve been dealing with for the past couple of months. What I’ve been doing to recover since I definitely don’t have the money to get professional help is deleting apps and leaving my phone behind - sometimes in my car, sometimes at home. I gave up facebook because that was the worst one. I deleted LinkedIn which I hated because of its dark patterns anyway. I reduced my twitter use dramatically. But what actually has worked best is deleting apps during the week and installing them on the weekend plus monitoring when I feel the urge to use an app. Its always to push back something that I don’t want to feel. I also did a serious spring cleaning which was very helpful but also very intense because as soon as I got rid of a crapload of stuff a bunch of memories that had been buried underneath rose to the top and I had to deal with them with no place to run away. So yeah... it has been an intense emotional rollercoaster since the last time I posted. 

This meant also recognizing there is a spiritual element to this for me, that I won;t get into online because its really personal but if anyone reading wants to know I will gladly share. I do believe that sometimes stagnation and resistance is psychic in nature. The relationships we have with people impact us in ways we can’t always imagine....the things our parents and friends say....what they do and do not think we are capable of....the lies we tell ourselves both to make us feel better as well as to tear us down - all of that has a spiritual impact. 

So to summarize how to restructure your life to pursue what you want:

Get a job that gives you the time you need to make shit above the money you desire. If you can’t sacrifice your job you are going to have to come up with a hell of a plan. Maybe save money for a year or two and take a break from the world. It worked for one woman. She saved for three years, then taught herself how to code in one year. She made it but damn she gave up a LOT to pull that off. You have to recognize your sacrifices but a job that is on the schedule YOU NEED is the best thing you could ever give yourself. 

Remove people who don’t support you. Find people who are like you or who are where you want to be in the future.  You literally become who you hang out with. So if you currently are trying to learn how to code and you do not know any programmers, you are in danger. Find people online, offline, doesn’t matter, just find a person who also is doing what you are doing, and get to know them well enough where if you had a question you could hit them up for help. 

Don’t learn to code for money unless you like learning ( I do). This is a life long learning career where you will never stop updating and upgrading your skills. It's not like how some college degrees USED to be where once you get it, you are set, and you are just running a business that has already been established and going through the motions. It doesn’t work that way. There’s always a new protocol, a new best practice, a new language, etc. Just get started and once you start don’t stop if you can avoid it. 

Give yourself time to heal. Sometimes we don’t know we are sick, even physically sick. Stress can mask a fucked up situation. Figure out the best way for you to chill out and then examine what the heck is really going on with you. 

If you think you are battling some serious demons, deal with those demons before they grow and decide to force you to deal with them. A lot of my friends had breakdowns after graduating from college because there was nothing to distract them from dealing with the shit that was always calling for their attention. 

Read the War of Art by Steven Pressfield. He talks about resistance a lot. He also helps make you feel better when you learn that it takes some people years to overcome it. Where Pressfield is helpful is putting you in the mindset of a pro - like ok you know this bullshit is going to head your way and its going to get between you and what you want to do. Here is how to hold on tight and not completely give up. Here is how to figure out a path to finishing. My only complaint with the book is that sometimes finishing is not the best use of your time which leads me to the last thing I’ll mention.

Develop a way to know whether or not something is worth your time or you are cutting yourself short. Sometimes people stop working on projects because they get too hard. But sometimes people stop working on projects because life is too short and there are other things they value more. I’m of the belief that as long as whatever you are pursuing is something you wouldn’t mind dying while in the pursuit of, you should be ok. Yes I do mean dying in the pursuit of. If you know you would be upset at someone finding you slouched over a keyboard, dead, learning how to code instead of... spending time with your kid, writing the book you really want to write, living abroad, etc., don’t do it. But if you know you'd’ be ok with someone finding you dead over a keyboard busting your ass to learn how to code because this is something that actually means a LOT to you and is part of your life... that’s beautiful. I truly do mean that. 

Another way to think of number 7 is in terms of flow. You want to set up your life in such a way where you do more of the things you want to do then don’t want to do. I’m not talking about eating chocolate cake and pizza all day. I’m talking more along the lines of... if you are a people person and you enjoy talking to people, your everyday work should involve that. If you like solving puzzles your everyday work should involve that. If your everyday job does not, this means you aren’t in flow with your life. And who wants to be out of flow with their fucking life?

Anway as for me and what I have been up to... 

Working on stuff, using the skills I got from freecodecamp based on how far I got at the time. I’ve restarted it three times now. And each time I say it will be the last but nope. Haven’t pull that off. But if I took a gaming perspective to it, I will say that each time I dive back into freecodecamp I take away a little bit more. So maybe for some learners, the process of restarting is much more similar to starting from a game. You take in as much as you can stand for the moment, then go off into the world, use the skills you do have, and when you are finally ready to take on more - because your life is finally stable or you just feel its time - you do. 

I hope this is  helpful for someone out there. I’m kind of writing this to myself wishing I could send this to my past. I’m really grateful for the job I currently have. While its not glamorous it allows me time and time is the most precious thing in the entire world. 

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Do cats realize what they are doing? They are such hams sometimes. Also, we all have one friend who is like this in real life without the use of mind-altering substances. They were just born that way and we love them for who they are. Tumbleweed reincarnated as mammals. Yup. Tumbleweeds. 

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You have a j-o-b?

Not quite yet. I have an interview. Interviews are nothing to be excited about. Job offers are everything to be excited about. 

I’m still here coding away while restructuring my life. I really need this job. Any job. I think I might even apply to the Halloween store. You know what’s crazy? The Halloween store has really high demands for its job application. Like for a job that’s something I would have associated being a perfect high school job the information it is asking for is really high. 

Even being a budtender. Look at some of these craigslist ads in Cali. Less than 10 years ago being a budtender was something only alternative people did. You didn’t even need a high school diploma for a lot of the spots. Today they want professional headshots, resumes, and college degrees. 

I’ve been doing some consulting work too, helping out friends, building up a portfolio in the one area of tech I actually am good at (has nothing to do with coding and no I will not share but if you are reading this you should have a hint to what it is).��

And I’ve been taking care of myself, making sure I get my nutrients. I’ve also been practicing forgiveness - especially with my past issues with college. It is possible I just went to a really fucked up school and the next school I go to hopefully will not be that fucked up. A lot of things changed since I was last in school. For example. now most top colleges are really hedge funds with schools attached to them as a front. Everything has been corporatized. 

Even the act of dropping out and becoming an entrepreneur has been adjusted because colleges realized they missed out on the Zukerbergs of the world and want to make sure that doesn’t happen again. So now they have these student and alumni programs for ventures that have serious cash behind them. I’m taking serious cash for first time business ideas.  That was not possible when I was last in college. I don’t know if I will be able to get into a college with a incubator program for my undergrad because to be honest my grades are pretty shitty. But for the master’s... who knows. Now I am thinking too far ahead. 

I haven’t even gotten into my tranfer issues. That makes me want to cry but I think this is just a lesson in patience and thinking differently about how to prepare for my future. 

That’s it for this update. Code on. 

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I’m a motherfuckin starboy

Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness, Colorado

More? Instagram & Lost Lust Supply

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The thing about programming is that sometimes you think your code is faulty because it’s not producing what you expect; when that happens the first thing you should do is assert whether what you expect is what should happen, so you know if it’s your present-self or past-self that’s an idiot.

(via thethingaboutprogramming)

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competitive programming?

 I heard from a dev that a good way to learn how to code practically is by doing these little code competitions online. 

You start off sucking for a really long time but because you share what you are doing out in the open you get feedback fast. You also learn other ways of thinking and breaking down things faster because of the cycle system of the competitions. 

Thinking about joining one of those sites but it is so intimidating. I will set a goal. If I find a site that starts off with something simple like javascript alone, I will jump in after I get at least one advanced project under my belt. 

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Dragging my feet. This is a really dark post. Don’t read if you want to be happy today. 

Its clear to those around me that I have been barely putting in effort into making things happen faster with college. I hate college. I’m a black woman. College campuses have brought me nothing but absolute agony. Its not just a few white kids calling me nigger. Its more than that. Its physically feeling unsafe because you know your environment is not supporting you. 

In fact when I think about it I seriously wonder if... the only reason why people of color are allowed on college campuses is to teach racists how to practice sophisticated racism. Its like they go through this process from freshmen year when they are yelling nigger and putting swastikas up all over the place to growing into sophisticated seniors who know how to play with words and inflict maxim damage. College teaches them how to be abstract with their brutality through teaching predators how to hunt. The interaction in the classroom is just preparation for the workplace. 

and that is a horrible way to see the world. I admit this but... fuck... That is my reality. 

I don’t want to be hunted. 

So yeah I’ve been dragging my feet instead of trying to get it out of the way as fast as possible. This isn’t like ripping a bandage off. I have a serious fear of something horrible happening to me on a college campus because of what’s happened in the past. I know I should just suck it up but I don’t work that way. I’ve never been that kind of a person. My mind just doesn’t process pain that way.  

If I could avoid it by any means necessary I would. I hate fucking college. I hate it. Black people don’t go to college to find themselves and experiment and explore identity. We are only there because we need some little fucking degree that serves as a passport to crack open a door a tiny bit more. 

I know too many women of color who fucking lost their minds, full-blown breakdowns, out of carrying all of this bullshit trauma that catches up to them despite doing every fucking little thing right from degree to career to love life and they still crumble because to attempt to function in insanity IS insanity. 

I know I am not crazy because I want to practice self-preservation. I also know I need that stupid fucked up piece of paper that says I know how to be beat up and take abuse. That’s all it fucking means. That is all it fucking means if you are not white in this world. And that sucks. 

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My Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough and That Makes Me Sad

I know I should really speak to someone about this but I am full of too much fear. When professionals repeatedly betray you who can you trust? 

No one. Damn. 

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Tumblr’s Profile Pictures on Facebook (August 2014 to September 2016)

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I love when ghost hunting shows are in a fucking ancient ruin and ask their questions in english

“what is your name” homeboy I was a viking several hundred years ago I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying

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Did tumblr seriously just show this to me after I sent out a shit ton of emails on adult re-entry programs for colleges? Yup synchronicity just did that. 

I hate the idea of college. I am going to need therapy to get over this. So much fucked up shit happened to me in this education system that I hate it with a passion and I know I have to let go of that hate but I also need a way to cope when I run into the bullshit that I left behind. It is even worse now than it was back when I was a student the first time around.  

Only 57.5% of eligible voters actually voted in the last election. And only 42% of eligible 18–34 year-olds. 

Register to vote!

[freecodecamper]

This makes me happy. I found out pumpkin puree is not pumpkin puree. Its combination of squashes puree. So next time you open up a can remember the contents might have a little bit of a few of the squashes above. Don’t believe me? Google it! 

[freecodecamper]

Twitter, or at least at the time I was there, believed that you had to go to a specific school and or work for a specific company in order to even be reached out to by the recruiting organization. The reason they have this “rubric” is because the people who are running these organizations are from those universities. They fundamentally believe that they are the best of the best because they went down this particular road and anyone who didn’t go down this road is not going to be as qualified as they are. Miley, who has been particularly vocal about the diversity issue in tech, has occupied a seat at the table in hiring meetings and has witnessed the exclusivity issue. Given the complex challenges facing young minority leaders entering that world, he posits that there is an alternative for those who are trying to launch the next multi-billion dollar tech company: Leave Silicon Valley.   'I don’t think that you [people of color] have a fair shot here; you should go start someplace else where you have more people who look like you. It’s too hard for any entrepreneur and doubly hard for an entrepreneur of color,' he advised during a panel discussion at which audience member asked what advice he would give to a Black entrepreneur trying to launch a business in Silicon Valley.

Leslie Miley, On The Importance of Entrepreneurship 

Damn. He flat out said leave silicon valley if you are not white because the resources there are not for you. Taking notes. Glad he kept it real as fuck.