#so my resume isnt really great either

[jalenjala]

literally how hard is it to get a job im gonna tear my hair out

[lesbi-nyan]

im fucking lost. despite my repeated attempts at optimism, things aren't getting better.

i feel like im never going to get a job. im in the process of trying to get hired by starbucks as a last ditch effort, and i've had 1 interview but now they're saying a manager at at a different location will contact me. so he finally did, and he sent me all the same questions to answer again and now i've filled those out and am stuck waiting for a response.

im staying with some friends since my gf's parents could only let me stay for a while. and i don't want to go back to living with my parents without a job, cause then i'll just be stuck in the same shit all over again without any progress made.

the whole point of staying away from them is so i can focus more on getting a job and it feels really shitty continuously throwing throwing my resumes around without anyone actually willing to hire me. I've had so many people tell me my resume looks great, the fact i send a coverletter is even better. but they keep hiring other people after i've had an interview with them.

i want to fucking move out but i can't find a place for rent that will actually fucking get back to me either. my mum still hasn't apologized for the shit she said to me, and nor is she ever likely to. i got in touch with someone from subsidized housing, but the process of getting on their list can take a minimum of 2.5 months.

my friends are great but again, i can't stay here for much longer. i feel like im failing at life. i don't know if i'm making shit up in my head since my mum is just denying everything and saying im putting words in her mouth. .

my brother in law said that he'd try to help me, but then he made it pretty clear i'm on my own. my sister isnt going to get involved either.

[astriiformes]

hi, feel free to ignore, i saw your post abt the herbarium thing, and im actually applying for an herbarium job right now but ive got no experience or science/office background at all. i do type at 75 WPM, but, and i hope this isnt too weird, do you have any advice on how to go about applying? see i rlly want the job and im extremely nervous, like should i call/email their HR and ask the same? any advice is appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read either way, great blog also btw

Yeah I'm totally happy to do my best to offer some advice, although I do have much more of a science background so my experiences are a bit different.

I think not having experience in the sciences probably won't be a deal-breaker since archival jobs are more about, like, data entry and attention to detail and that sort of thing as opposed to being super experienced in the field. When I applied for my herbarium job I emphasized that I had some collections experience, but I also talked a lot in my cover letter and interview about how much I love archives and how I think the work they do is super important, which is something you could definitely do as well. The folks who work in archives often have a real passion for what they do, so emphasizing the reasons you really want the job and why you think what they do is important is very likely to make you feel like more of a fit for the position. Lots of people don't realize how important collections are for research, so approaching your application with some knowledge of that is a solid place to start.

As far as skills to emphasize in your application (like on your resume, etc), attention to detail and organizational skills are both big ones. There's a lot of fiddly information to keep tabs on when doing digitization work especially, so any experience you have with that is worth highlighting. Even if you don't have previous experience with data entry, bringing up times you had to keep track of a lot of information at once at previous jobs is probably going to be in line with what they're looking for.

I hope at least some of that is helpful to you! Best of luck with your application; I feel a deep kinship with everyone else passionate about collections and archival work and love that you reached out about this.

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Purgatory

this isnt a request (i’m still recovering from Session 7 lmfao), just some brainrot that just would not go away lol

my interpretation of Skizz arriving in the afterlife after permadying

… 

  Skizz sits bolt upright with a scream, breathing so fast that he’s essentially hyperventilating. His face and body are drenched; whether in sweat or in blood, Skizz doesn’t know. He cries out in fear, the image of Grian bearing down on him with a sword still stuck in front of his vision. 

  “Hey, hey, it’s okay!” comes a familiar British voice. “It’s okay, you’re safe. You’re safe. Just breathe, take deep breaths.”

  Eventually, Skizz manages to calm down, breathing deeply. Now able to register his surroundings, he realises he’s sitting in a completely blank world, with a pure white sky that seems to stretch on for miles and miles. Realising that someone is rubbing his shoulder, he glances up and his eyes widen in shock as he sees who it is. “J-Jimmy? Wh-What…?”

  “Welcome to the land of the permadead,” says Jimmy, giving a sad smile. “It’s pretty quiet here at the moment but at least there’s no mobs, no war, nothing like that. At the very least, we’re safe here.”

  “Wh-Why are you being so nice to me after I killed you?”

  “Well…” Jimmy thinks for a moment. “Dunno, I’m not really the kind of person to hold grudges. Plus, I woke up here in a similar state to you but it took me ages to recover because nobody was here to comfort me. I didn’t want anyone else to go through that.”

  “Oh…” Skizz feels a pang of guilt. “I… uh… I’m sorry. For killing you.” 

  “I don’t think it’s me you have to apologise to,” Jimmy chuckles, inclining his head.

  Skizz glances in the direction he indicated and his stomach drops as he spots Cleo standing a little way off, arms folded and a steely look on her face. “Oh god, oh god, oh god… A-Are you gonna hurt me...?”

  Cleo maintains her hard stare for a moment before shrugging. “Meh. I was gonna, but I would’ve done the same thing in your position.” A grin appears on her face. “Besides, your reaction just now and the look of absolute terror on your face when you saw me was delicious enough. Just know that you’re on thin ice, cuz I can and will attack you if I don’t like the things you say.”

  “Well, this is a great start to the afterlife,” Skizz mutters, keeping a wary eye on Cleo. “So what is this place? Hell?”

  “No, lucky for you,” Cleo responds.

  “It’s more like purgatory,” says Jimmy. “Except we can see what’s going on back at the server. That’s how I knew you’d died before you arrived here.”

  “Wait, we can watch what’s going on? How?”

  Jimmy points to a small pool of water, surrounded by stones of various sizes. “That thing. I don’t know what it’s called but you say who or what you want to see and it’ll show you.”

  Without hesitating, Skizz rushes to it and looks into it, gripping the edges as if his life depends on it. “Show me Impulse.” 

  The pool shimmers for a moment. 

  “Please be okay, please be okay,” Skizz murmurs worriedly. 

  After a while, an image appears in the water, an image of Impulse… 

  …sitting in the crastle with Grian, Scott, and Scar. 

  Skizz stares at the shimmering image in horror. “I-Impulse, what are you doing there? What are you doing with THEM?! Grian killed me and you’re just sitting around with him, eating marshmallows?!”

  Cleo and Jimmy exchange a look, as if to say you gonna tell him or should I?

  Finally, Jimmy steps up to Skizz and resumes rubbing his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Skizzle. Impulse betrayed the Red Army. He’s been playing all sides all along but in the end, he chose the Crastle Alliance over you.”

  “No…” 

  Skizz momentarily stops breathing as a particular memory from the seconds before he died comes back to him. “Oh god… He… He was there. Impulse was there when I… when Grian killed me. He j-just watched me die…”

  “I’m so sorry,” Jimmy murmurs. “I can’t imagine how-.”

  “He’s supposed to be my best friend!” Skizz yells suddenly, wrenching away from Jimmy and storming away a few steps, fists clenched. He has to force himself to look down at the ground; if he looks at either of the other people here, he might involuntarily attack them. Even though he’s technically not a “red lifer” anymore, he can feel the same fury and hatred as he experienced on 3rd Life building up in him now. 

  “Skizz-,” Jimmy starts. 

  “No, forget 3rd Life!” snarls Skizz. “You don’t just stand there and watch someone you’ve known for decades bleed out on the floor without AT LEAST trying to comfort them as they die! Right?! Am I being unreasonable?!”

  Jimmy hesitates but Cleo shakes her head. “No, you’re not. One thing I have to give you credit for is that at least you stayed with me as I died. And I’ve known you for, what, a month. At most.”

  “Exactly!” Skizz throws out his arm towards her. “I-I just-! I just don’t understand why he would do this…!”

  His anger spent already, he drops to his knees and buries his face in his hands. Normally, he’d be ashamed to cry in front of people he doesn’t know very well. But in this case, he can’t help it and he doesn’t really care. All he can see in his mind’s eye is the cold face of his best friend, just watching him die terrified and in pain. 

  And all Jimmy can do is keep comforting Skizz, unable to think of something to say that would make things better. Even Cleo, with her grudge against Skizz for killing her, is sympathetic; she knows how it feels to die surrounded by enemies. 

  Finally, Skizz rises shakily to his feet and goes back to the pool. “Show me Martyn,” he whispers.

  The image changes to the area at the back of Renchanting, still within the Dogwarts walls. Martyn is kneeling next to a small gravestone, scooping dirt onto a body-shaped mound in front of it. Even from this angle, the writing on the gravestone is clearly visible: “Here lies Skizzleman, loyal bannerman and much loved friend”. 

  “He… He retrieved my body and buried me?” Skizz’s voice cracks as he reaches out to touch the water, as if he can reach through it and comfort his friend. “Oh, Martyn… I’m so sorry for leaving you, Ren, and Etho all alone…”

  In the ensuing silence, Jimmy quietly says, “Looks like we all got burials. Scott buried me in the flower fields and Bdubs buried Cleo near the first house they shared together.” 

  “Something tells me the further we get into the game, the fewer burials we’ll see,” says Cleo sombrely. “We’d better “enjoy” it while we can.”

  While the idea of “enjoying” one’s own burial is a little strange, Skizz can’t keep his eyes off the beautiful memorial his friends have made for him. Though he would give anything to be back there alive with them, he’s comforted by the knowledge that he made an impact. That he didn’t let himself be walked all over until the end. He fought back and he made a difference and thus he’s being honoured by his comrades in death. 

  “Hang in there, guys,” he murmurs. “I believe in you.”

[the-necessary-unnecessary]

i think ellie would rsturn to thorns too. i dont envision her in staying at lyon for long. i was just telling my friend about this. ellie is a great player but i find it highly unlikely that she'll stay beyond 2 to 3 years. i love ellie with all my heart, but her to take up the mantle after bronze? i dont really see how that will work out in her favour. based on lyon's move (and lucy's presumptive one), this just looks like another temporary solution for them, similar to the greenwood one. (1)

it just seems like they're bringing in a young player that's solidified themselves and whose resume would benefit from having lyon's name there. but it doesn't seem like a long term solution. i could be wrong, afterall they didnt announce the contract duration yet. i do think this probably means another brilliant right back will be snapped up by lyon in time to come, which i do pray that it's from none of my clubs, but with how sudden this seems (especially with the fact that ellie (2)

ellie just signed on with thorns for a 3 or 4 year contract) that this was just to deal with the loss of lucy bronze, as was their decision to sign greenwood while they were developing their LB. but for ellie to return to portland? if the NWSL continues this massive international exodus... ha ha i think it'll just be ellie to one of the other big european clubs. especially if all the aussies are migrating. (3)

Interesting take here. It's true that if she's being brought in t fill in Lucy's shoes then she'll have a very tough job of it. However at her young age she's already established herself so much on the world stage that I think with the right development and guidance she could do a goo job of filling in those shoes and/or making the position her own with her own flair. I doubt it will be that long term though, I'm assuming the contract isnt that long but there will be the option to renew. I like your view on her being this season's Greenwood, I do think she's a more long term solution (coming to Lyon and leaving the NWSL for just a stand in doesnt see to fit Ellie as much) but I also imagine they'll be on the look out for another world class RB to either replace or back up Ellie.

It could be interesting if the aussie dynamic begins to change and a lot more end up coming to europe where they dont have to flat out play all year round to survive. Could potentially be the start of a new era

[genderfreezone]

Do you like the Evil Within 2?

Yeah! Certainly not as much as the first one (i was not immune to being sad they left out fan favorites Jojo and Ruvik's Cube)

The rest of this post is me rambling about things i didnt like about the game, and then things i did like (most of my issues are how they treat the female characters tbh)

Its missing kind of the action-noir-gone-horrifically-wrong feel of the first game. The scare factor also suffers bc our player character has been through this before, hes a veteran at dealing with this crazy shit, it doesnt phase him anymore and by extension it doesnt phase the player. They really like tripled down on the Evil Corporation thing and both the intrigue and horror suffer for it.

This game did not drink its respect women juice (the first one didnt really either, case in point: Everything About Kidman) Sebastian is surrounded by 5+ female characters and only 2 of them survive (and one of them is his 7 year old daughter hes spent the whole game trying to rescue... and yet they never bothered to give her any kind of characterization or agency. A highly empathetic and supernaturally powerful little girl in a monster-infested hellscape?? HELLO???? Lily really had the potential to be the most interesting, sympathetic, and complex character--especially as she slowly lost her innocence--in the WHOLE GAME, but she was just sort of relegated to Plot Device McGuffin) The rest of the female supporting cast are killed off for Sebastian's Man Pain. In fact, THIS ENTIRE GAME IS CENTERED AROUND SEBASTIAN'S MAN PAIN. Torrez is a walking stereotype, shes literally just Vasquez from Aliens. Hoffman was the most likeable and believeable, except when it Turns Out She Was In Love With Liam Or Whatever (psst, guess what, i dont care. Also O'neal was kind of a dick anyway? I dont care x2)

And you know who i SUPER dont care about? Bland-White-Bread-And-Mayo-Sandwich Myra. Where's the no-nonsense firecracker of a police lieutenant Sebastian married? Not here, thats for sure. Her entire personality is "mother" and "worries about stressed-out husband". We got more characterization of Myra in seb's jornals from the first game, where she never even made a physical appearance! Horror media does this SO MUCH, women are either A. Sexy Lamp B. Hurts Men (Sexily) C. Mother or D. Innocent Virgin. It sucks. Do better.

The story lacked the "digging up old buried memories" and "theres more to this than meets the eye" of the first game. It felt too...... Straightforward. Everyone told Sebastian the truth. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMED. It all felt too simple, too easy, like there SHOULDVE been something else beneath the surface. And yet there wasnt. (I watched markipliers playthrough and i loved his theory that Kidman was actually Lily. It had such potential. Kidman's entire resume for the police station was fabricated, who's to say the rest of her past wasnt fabricated as well? It would retcon a lot of stuff and like 80% of her backstory from the DLC, but you know games like this arent above retconning important shit, and at least it wouldve been sacrificed for something with actual intrigue. Maybe it wouldnt even retcon anything! Consider: tiny Lily is taken by Evil Corporation and dropped off in a non-nurturing environment that would lead her to become the kind of person who would willingly join & work for an organization like Mobius. At least wouldve been a nice excuse for why Kidman and Lilys face models looked so similar... other than... yknow.... "WomEN ARe hArD tO DRaWwwwwee")

Okay okay ive been ranting for long enough. It probably makes it sound like i kinda hate this game, but i dont! It certainly doesnt hold the same place in my heart as the first one (which i still have very glaring issues with lmao Kidman deserved WAAAAAAY better), but i do like it! It brings back salty, grizzled, tsundere Sebastian Castinellos. It brings back spooky monsters that kill you dead. It brings back having a fun theatrical over-the-top villain who takes himself a litte too seriously.

I love Stefano. Probably not in the way some other fans do, but i love him as a ridiculous theatrical over-the-top villain. He sucks! And i love that he sucks! I love him BECAUSE he sucks! Hes terrible and exaggerated and completely up his own ass and ITS GREAT. He isnt as ACTUALLY THREATENING as Ruvik was (even in his bad assassin's creed cosplay. I could go on and on and on about why Ruvik is simultaneously a ridiculous AND frightening antagonist and how much i love it but uh..... maybe later) but hes such a FUN villain! Hes the kind of pretentious art snob shitheel i cannot STAND irl, but in this game i LOVE to HATE him. Hes just SO over-the-top you kinda wonder if he actually subscribes to the pretentiousness he spouts, or if hes just being Exceptionally Extra.

The other villains? Theodore was.... forgettable. His monsters were forgettable. (Its like how i completely forgot that Frank Manera was a character in Whistleblower for like... 5 years lmao i guess this game also kinda followed that "having multiple named/characterized antagonists in one game" thing that Outlast did) Myra, i just didnt care. Her final design was kinda cool, i liked the red clusters of insect eyes. Her monsters werent really gross enough to be memorable. The only reson theyre gross at all is bc they kinda look like theyre made of semen. (I checked the wiki and apparently Myra's white goo is "psychoplasm" and her monsters lost 99% of their gross factor. I just dont care.) The Administrator literally just looked like a 3D human model of Maxwell from dont starve, and i have to laugh every time i see him. Hes not terribly threatening, all he does is threaten characters to work faster and doesnt actually follow through on those threats. He doesnt even make fun threats like HABIT or anything. He thinks hes so powerful and ominous that his mere presence will frighten the player but hes just kinda all bark and no bite. Hes The Big Bad Company Man so you know hes gonna get whats coming to him, and you know Kidmans gonna be the one to do it to him, so hes not even that much of a threat. Hes whatever.

Stefano definitely got all of the coolest monsters. Many Arms Buzzsaw Lady was terrifying and i love her. And OBSCURA was just *Chef's Kiss* Anima was cool, she kinda looked like a mix of Laura and Samara. The Harbingers were neat, but really only bc ive got a thing for gas masks. The rest of the monsters werent really unique or weighty/threatening enough to be memorable. Now the first game is a fucking TREASURE TROVE of unique monsters *muah* you got Sadist, Sentinel, Keeper, Amalgam, Heresy, Laura, Shigyo, the Twins, Alter Egos, and im probably forgetting some!! But holy FUCK!!!!! And if we're includong the DLC?? MOTHER FUCKING SHADE. SPOTLIGHT LADY. LIGHT WOMAN.  SEXY LEGS.  Whatever you call her, i fucking love her. Her design is so simple. Helmet. Sheet. Legs. Her voice? Unnerving as hell. Love it. (Also i just personally love the diving helmet. Also like you know how a lot of games have a spotlight mechanic where you have to avoid the light and if it lands on you, you're fucked? LET'S MAKE AN ENTIRE MONSTER OUT OF THAT. She's PERFECT.) Oh and also those weird crawling exploding dudes. They made gross sounds and it was great. (Tbh Keepers still probably my favorite, if only for horny reasons)

TATIANA HOW HAVE I NOT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT TATIANA. Shes like the ONE female character that i fucking LOVE in the sequel. I love how they finally gave her a personality, and that personality is literally just "fuck you, Sebastian" Oh GOD its great shes SO FUNNY. I just.... god i love Tatiana lmao. I love how she makes you kinda uncomfortable too, like she knows something, but she wont tell you bc youre stupid. I didn't like the kind of "all-knowing guide" thing they did to try and make her creepy (like she's a "guide" but then also turns around and is like "no i wont tell you what you need to know bc you """have to discover it on your own""" or whatever") it serves no purpose since she never gave you any actual information, and it didn't succeed in making her creepier, all it did was frustrate me. She was at her creepiest when she IMPLIED she was doing something behind the scenes or knew something you didn't know and then didn't elaborate (not REFUSING to elaborate, just... stopping talking and leaving the statement to hang in the air, like the "getting her nails done" and "its been a long time, detective" and the "now what makes you say that" from the first game) and she was at her funniest when she was interacting with Sebastian from the sidelines, her snide little comments and sarcastic clapping cracked me the fuck up. Tatiana not treating Sebastian seriously was a fantastic touch for a game that otherwise would probably take itself so seriously it would double back around to being silly. Without Tatiana, it would've been just another male-centric gun-toting "survival horror" game, and for the most part, it was just that. She was definitely a much-needed source of slightly derisive comedy and a definite high-point for me, even if they didn't so a great job of making her creepy or fulfilling her "purpose."

Oh I also really love the COLORS in TEW2. The first game fell into the trap of having the colors be totally washed out that a lot of horror stuff does, but it also kind of worked for it. Especially with the color pallette of our main villain and how the whole thing was His World. The saturation of the colors in the second game is a breath of fresh air and gorgeous to look at, and you can even see the color motifs of the game change with each new villain: the game starts out with Stephano has lots of blues and purples and dark reds, when Theodore takes over we get bright orange and yellow contrasted with black and brown, and in the climax with Myra the game goes back to having washed out colors and white (and with her villain design? Let's face it: they were kinda just trying to do Ruvik again) We did get portions that were still kind of wahed out whites and greens and greys, but it wasnt the ENTIRE game, even the big blood-and-brains splatterhouse sections of the first game kinda had their colors weirdly muted for that "Horror Aethetic."

In conclusion, i do like the evil within 2, but i also had a lot of problems with it. And i complain about these problems because i like the game and know it couldve done better, tried harder, and been a LOT more than it was (the wasted character potential is my real overarching pet peeve, probably becuase i loved the characters in the first game, and character development is kind of my whole jam) . But all in all, it was still a fun monster-zombie romp with at least one entertaining villain and fun-to-look-at designs and environments. It wasn't character or horror or even REALLY story driven in the way I know it COULDVE been, but i still had a fun time and enjoyed myself.

[sugarless--girl]

Day 15: Umbrella — Miku/Rin

Rin and Miku (and Len, but he's irrelevant here) are filming for a song

Read on AO3

Rin and Len stood underneath an overhang as they watched the raindrops form into puddles onto the ground.

“Why is everything love triangle centered on me?” Len complained

“Wow, you don’t sound arrogant at all.” Rin muttered before taking a sip of water from her bottle.

“I mean it’s true though! And this isn’t me bragging but rather me complaining.”

“Well I was at the center of a love triangle for that one song.”

“I’m pretty sure I got you beat for ‘caught in the center of a love triangle’ award.”

“Oh, damn that’s too bad.” Rin said sarcastically. “There goes my dreams.”

“Oh shut up, I don’t mean that in a good way obviously. Seriously, everyone has such a boner for making me suffer in every written song.”

“Well, I can understand that. You’re pretty annoying.”

Before Len could come up with a retort, Miku bounded up to them with an umbrella to protect her from the rain. She held another one in her hand. “Hey guys! It’s almost time for your scene Len. The director wants to talk with you.” The teal-haired girl said as she handed Len the umbrella.

“Ugh, for real? Alright, later Rin.” He said as he waved to the girl.

Miku stood awkwardly under her umbrella as she looked at Rin. Was she waiting for an invitation to stand under the building?

“Are you going to stand out there forever? You’re going to get wet, Miku.”

“Aww, are you worried about me?” Miku cooed as she closed the umbrella to stand next to Rin, far closer than Len did.

“N-no?” Miku had been weirdly flirty as of late and Rin had no idea what to make of it. She simply stared ahead and resumed her rain-watching. Very riveting.

“You know I was thinking we could shoot the song slightly differently. I talked it with the director and he said he didn’t mind changing things up if you were up for it?

“Change things up? What do you mean?”

“Well what if we made it like a real love triangle?”

“Uh, isn’t the song already about a love triangle?”

“No it’s a love angle! Love triangles are were person A likes person B and B likes C but likes person A. That’s real triangle.”

Rin thought about it for a moment. It would make things more interesting…. “So, then who would like who?”

“Well, I think it’d make more sense if you liked me. My part was unrequited anyway so it’d add to the drama I bet. It sucks that we have to do all these sad songs about love triangles, though. I wish we could do something with just a couple—less of a chance to end in heartache.”

“It’s what’s in. And honestly, I can see the appeal. Besides, a couple doesn’t guarantee a happy ending—they could break up, one could cheat on the other, or it could be just good ol’ unrequited love.”

“Jeez, Rin—pessimistic much?”

“What? No I’m just saying—“

“Well that’s not really my point though. Love triangles rarely end in a happy ending. Besides, it feels more intimate with just two people. Don’t you think so?”

“I guess….” Not that she had experience with either a love triangle or a relationship in real life.

“Man there needs to be more songs about couples.”

“Like there aren’t enough?”

“Well there’s not much that feature you and me. It’s always you and Len or me and Luka. Don’t get me wrong, Luka is cool and all but why don’t we have more songs together?”

“Uhhhh….I don’t know?”

“I know why……they’re just afraid of our potential! I bet people would be like, ‘oh they’re such a cute couple, we have to have them together forever now!’ and then we couldn’t sell any more songs about love triangles.”

“What?” Miku was so hard to follow sometimes. Being as famous as her took a special type of mental fortitude and Rin suspected that Miku purposely joked about everything so she’d stay sane. Not that she blamed her. Sometimes the pressure got to Rin, too.

“The rain is really nice isn’t it?” Miku said, completely changing the subject.

“….what??”

“Let’s go to the veranda.” Miku said as she held out the umbrella for Rin to get under.

The blonde paused for a moment before getting under the umbrella with Miku. She didn’t hide her staring as she scrutinized the teal-haired girl to discern why she was acting so weird. Well, weirder than usual. Miku’s face was flushed and tight with tension. Was she embarrassed?

“Are you embarrassed?” Rin asked, rather bluntly—as was in her nature.

“No! I bet you’re the one who’s embarrassed!”

“Of what?” Rin was so horribly lost.

Miku’s attention snapped back to the front. It was a few moments before she spoke up again.

“I just wanted to share an umbrella.” She said softly.

Rin smiled. So this is what this was all about? “You could just ask.” She said bumping Miku’s shoulder.

“Huh….does that principle apply to wooing you as well.”

Rin laughed. “Yeah, just ask me out instead of whatever elaborate plan Meiko and Kaito have cooked up for you.”

Miku nodded seriously but Rin could see her tips of her lips turning up to form a small smile. Rin grinned back.

The song in the fic: link

This is a great Vocaloid song. Be sure to check it out

[irljessicawardcap1]

LeaPark Hotel Grangemouth - 17/3/22

I am nervous about today as its my first wedding since the Edinburgh bus one and my performance wasnt great. I know im capable of doing better than that so i want to do well with todays photography.

10am - pick up and we head to the venue. as we both havnt been here before we are going early to check out the venue for potential locations for the accessory and couples shots. I looked before hand at what previous photographers had done and it doesnt look like a great venue. However me and Smyth always come up with creative solutions so im confident we will make it work.

10.30am - we arrive at the venue and introduce ourselves to the bride and get settled into the day. After looking around we decided on a garden for the couples shoot and then take the dress out to the stairs to photograph along with all the accessories as the groom isnt due to arrive for a few hours. We stumble across a chandelier in a different part of the hotel and find some really interesting furniture to take all the shots which im really excited about. My favourite is an old wooden oak chair which just looks gorgeous with her flowers and propped against a stone wall. I deliberately shoot under to create more of a moody and romantic feel to the photos. My role today is to fetch the dress and arrange shots helping to move furniture and organise the framing. Im also taking behind the scene footage of Smyth for her social accounts and taking my own photos. After this we then go back upstairs and take some shots of the bride getting ready into her gown and some candid shots of her young children and bridesmaids.

2pm - Ceremony. The ceremony space is wide with plenty of room to move around in. My role here is to video the entrance of the bride, vows, first kiss and coming back down. I also take some candid images of guests.

3pm - 4,30pm - couples shoots. We start by gathering all the guests for a group shot outside the venue. I have the more important job here as attention grabber for the young kids. I situate myself either behind Smyth of under and pull funny faces, calling their names or if I'm behind will make bunny ears and behave silly. As embarrassing as this is it always works to make the young and older children smile and even some of the adults. It may not seem like the best example but it does showcase our teamwork and comradeship to provide the best service. We then take the couple to the small garden we found where i take more behind the scenes and my own shots. The groom then suggests that there is another garden in a property to which we go to. Once we arrive we find a better location there is a pond and bridge in the middle of the garden. The couples daughter came with us and as she kept wanting to run across teh shoot i took it upon myself to be the unofficial babysitter and kept her busy and safe whilst Smyth carried out the couples shoot. I took photos of Amelia as a way of distracting her as we were looking for fairies and mermaids. At one point she touched a mushroom so i took her to wash her hands and when her baby cousin came i pulled him into the game so the Smyth and the couple were relaxed and could focus on the shoot rather than worrying about the young kids with the water. As a parent myself i could relate to how they could be feeling so i wanted to make the experience the best it could be. I also loved playing with the children and it allowed my creativity to flourish whilst being on the fairy hunts. Once the main part of the couple shoots were done and reinforcements came to take the children i then resumed my duty of filming for behind the scenes and took some shots of the couple.

5pm - Speeches. I focused solely on filming for behind the scenes as where i was was pretty far away from the couple as the tables were i a semi circle position around the main table and i knew my lens wasn't strong enough. I also took a couple of candid shots.

8pm - First dance. Again my priority here was filming the first dance and the announcement that they were expecting. These reels and behind the scene videos aren't just solely for social media and advertising Smyths business but also encapsulates the wedding day for the couple so it was imperative that i captured these moments on film. After the next few dance we say our farewells and leave for home.

After this wedding the bride sent Smyth a message about how much they appreciated me taking care of the children and my interaction with them. apparently Amelia is still looking for the fairies, which really meant alot as Im only a second shooter but i strive to do Smyth proud and be an asset not only to her but the couple on the day.

[sexy-inferno-demon]

No Matter

A/N: I know it is super late (stupid computer) but here is my submission for @tilltheendwilliwrite challenge! My phrase was “I love you the most-est” If peeps like it, i have an idea for a series :3

Word Count: 3,055

Pairing: Young!Loki X Young!OFC

Song: https://youtu.be/sLcrxhE_xQw  (Listen with the dance >:3)

It has been a week since my mother brought me along with her on her “errand”. Why I was brought along I will never truly know.

She said it was to get me out of the palace. That I couldn't spend all of my time in the library. That there was more to lift then magic. Ha! Says her. She is the one who taught me magic in the first place.

Now look at me. I have been on Midgard with my mother, Queen Frigga, for a week now. My mother’s errand involves visiting an old friend of hers. That is all she told me.

________________________________________________________________

Earlier

“But mother!” I questioned, “what am I to do while we are here?,” my brow furrowed in thought. “Actually a better question would be is how long will we be here?”

Chuckling, my mother put both hands unto my shoulders and replied “my child, among the other things i must take care of here, I will also be visiting my long time friend” smiling, she pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear “I have not seen him in ages, so we shall be here for a midgardian month.” She turns then and resumes walking toward our destination. “But while we are here, you can be as children regularly are here” gesturing with her hand, she says over her shoulder “free of responsibility and training. Something different then the library that is for certain.”

________________________________________________________________

So here I am, invisible while watching the other children play. Mother says I look 12 to the midgardians but I choose not to interact with them if I don't have to. I would rather observe how different they are from me. Or better yet from Thor and his rag tag bunch of friends. For everyone will be different from me.

‘It is a good thing I learned this invisibility spell’ I thought growing bored with watching the other children. ‘Else I would have to endure those sniveling children’  suppressing a shiver I looked up at the sky. Continuing to walk I sigh ‘Well at least being here allows me to learn about other things.’ I smile ‘The sky here is so blue and clear, unlike Asgard's blend of orange and gold. I wonder ho-’

My thoughts were interrupted as someone suddenly colliding with me, thus sending us both to the ground, while I landed on my back with my arms around them in reflex.  

Groaning, I lift my head and peer down at the being who knocked me over. I was met with a breathtaking color of vibrant, rustic red color. Then when I thought my lungs held no more air, a pair of light green eyes looked into my emerald ones.

The girl on my chest gasp and sputtered a “sorry” as she hurriedly got off of me. For some reason I was sad for the loss of contact. “Oh my goodness,” she said standing, “i-i am so sorry your highness!!” Reaching out, she helps me stand by pulling on my arm sleeve. “Are you okay?” She is patting my tunic at this point, ridding it of any dirt.

Blinking, I seem to have been drawn back to the current situation. Scowling I stop her from patting my tunic “ yes I am quite alright.” Looking her up and down, I notice her simple blue dress and cloth shoes “ it seems you are alright as well I assume? And why did you call me your highness? This is the first time I have met you.”

Blushing a light pink, she starts to rapidly reply “ o-oh well you see my master told me that his friend Lady Frigga would be visiting from a far off land with her son and that they were considered royalty there and that him and I were the only ones that know but that's okay and well it kinda slipped and are you sure you are alright because I did not see you there an-” I stopped her rant by placing a hand on her mouth. “ okay okay I get it!” Signing I continue “please just breathe.”  after waiting a few moments I ask “Better?” She nods “Okay, I am going to remove my hand then.”

I let my hand drop from her lips and notice how they were a light pink. My brows furrow slightly ‘why am I noticing these things about a mere mortal?!’ Hearing a shuffle in front of me, I am brought back to the current moment. “Um y-your highness?” The girl asks “ are you sure you are okay?” She then reaches out and places the back of her hand on my forehead while standing on her tip toes “your face looks a little red.

Making a face, I grab her wrist and move her hand “ I assure you I am fine.” Dropping her wrist I say “ and my name is Loki, not your highness.” Huffing I look down.

“O-oh we-well then my name is Lilith you-” she begins to say but catches herself “ I mean Loki.” She curtsies. Looking up, I scowl at this. “ if I am not letting you call me ‘your highness’ then there is no reason for that either.” I grab her shoulders and stand her up. Being this close to Lilith brings a strange feeling to my chest. I let go and back up quickly.

“So Lilith was it? What were you doing walking alone in the forest?” Arching an eyebrow, I look around. “Shouldn't you be with the other children?” When I turn back to her I notice she is playing with the edge of her dress.

“Well you see, the others don't necessarily like me around,” she bites her bottom lip then “ They say I am cursed since I have red hair and have no family.” She looks up and smiles then “but that is okay! My master takes care of me!” Dropping her dress, she puts her hands behind her back “and with why I was out here...well I was looking for the boy my master told me about. I thought maybe  I could show you around on the morrow?” She blushes at that and looks down again.

For some reason I did not want her looking down. I wanted her to look at me. “ I think I would like that. “ I catch myself saying. But before I berate myself, she looks up at me. I hope to never forget the sight. Her eyes seemed to sparkle like polished gem stones with excitement.

“Really!?” She reaches out to grab my hands “ oh that's wonderful! Then we shall meet here in the afternoon, so younhave time to rest and I can plan for our big day.” Dropping my hands, she clasps hers together and says “Oh then I must go now! There is so much to do.” Moving so fast I didn't know how to respond, she gives a peck to my cheek and starts to run away “I shall see you tomorrow. Goodbye Loki!”

I stood in my spot for a long time with my hand on my cheek. When I finally came to, I wondered aloud “what just..happened?”

_______________________________________________________________

Later that evening

“Ah my child,” Frigga says opening her arms open for her son, “How was your day?” After embracing her son, she pulls back and looks at him. “Good I hope?”

Thinking for a moment “It was fine mother.” He replies. “I think I made a friend.” He leans forward and rests his head on her chest. “Oh?” She questions “That's is great my love!” She smiles and holds him tight “See? I told you coming with me would be worth it.”

Closing his eyes, he smiles as well, “yes mother, of course.”

In a house not to far

“Lilith my dear!” Her master asked, “How was your day? Was it eventful?” Coming down the steps, Lilith smooths out her dress and stands in front of her master. “Yes sire it was! I made a new friend and planned to show them around tomorrow if that is alright with you?” she asks hopefully.

Smiling down at the young girl knowingly he says “why of course my dear!” Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, he looks into her shining green eyes. “ you have fun yes? Just finish your chores. “

Gasping in happiness, she hugs her master before dashing off. “Yes master! Thank you! “

The man watches as the young girl runs off smiling at her new found energy. He then sighs and walks to a far off room of his home. Going into the room, he closes the door behind him and looks towards the wall of mirrors that holds all of what seems to be events in each one. Walking up to one mirror and placing his hand on the edge he says,

“My dear girl..”

___________________________________________________________

So the next 2 and a half weeks seem to fly by. After the first day together, with Lilith showing Loki around, they became inseparable. The young trickster god and lonely midgardian made quite the pair. They brought qualities out in each other that they couldn't fathom. Where she was quiet and shy, he made her loud and energetic. Where he was easily angered and cold, she made him happy and warm.

The All-Mother noticed this one day, as she watched from one of her masters many mirrors. Smiling he turned and watched through others. These mirrors showed events that already happened and were inevitable.

Turning to her old friend, Frigga once again asks “ Are you positive there isnt anything that can be done?” Looking up fro. One of his many tomes, the God of Time takes his long time friends hand and pats it.

“My dear Frigga, if I could avoid what is meant to be I would.” Turning back to the scroll he sighs and thinks ‘I wish i could avoid it all’

_____________________________________________________________

During the 3rd week Loki was there, Lilith pulled him behind her at a quick pace. “Lilith where are we going?” He asked. “Hush Loki!” She responded “you will we when we get there!”

Smiling while being pulled behind this small girl made Loki think ‘and to think, this was the stuttering girl I met weeks ago’

He was brought out of his thoughts by Lilith as she pulled him down behind a bush. “Get down Loki!” She whispered. Looking over the bush, Loki sees two people standing together. Brows furrowing he starts to speak “Lilith wha-" he was cut off by Lilith putting her hand against his mouth. “shhhhh" she motioned toward the couple “your gonna get us caught”

Loki turned back to the couple. He watched and listened to the words they were saying. He blushed slightly and looked toward Lilith. Clearing his throat he questions “Lilith, why are we watching a proposal dance?” hearing her quietly gasp, Lilith looks down. “um..” he can see her start to tremble “w-well you see…” suddenly Lilith gets up and runs away from their hiding spot.

Confused in the sudden mood shift, Loki goes after his friend. “Lilith!” he yells as he catches up to her. “Lilith stop!” Loki reaches out and grabs her arm, bringing her to him in an embrace. “Lilith,” he says panting, “what is wrong?”

Sniffling, Lilith buries her face into his chest until she is calm enough to look up at him. “I am so sorry Loki..” she says.

Tilting his head, Loki reaches up and wipes away a stray tear. “But why Lilith? You were so excited to see them, and then I ask why and your mood completely shifts.” resting a hand in her cheek he inquires further “Why?”

Tearing back up she cries “because that is the only way I'll experience a true one!” seeing a confused look on his face she continues “ I am cursed remember! Even adults say so!” hanging her head she sighs “even if I do marry, I will never have that.” pushing back from him she wipes her face.

“ I am sorry Loki, i-i have to go.” she turns and leaves. Loki, stunned by the confession by the 10 year old girl, unable to stop her. Frowning, I decide to return to my mother for the evening.

Some time later

“Ah Loki!” The All-Mother says “there you are my son.” putting down her things she asks “How was your day with Lilith? Fun I hope?” Loki looks to his mother and then to the items behind her. Making a confused face for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day Loki responds “ it was...something. Mother what are you doing?” Loki walks towards her things that were being placed away.

Giving him a sad look, Frigga continues to pack “Oh Loki, I have finished my business on Midgard.” reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder, she squeezes it reassuringly. “But,” he says “ it's early still,” he picks up up a scroll.

“We aren't supposed to leave until next week..” Looking down, he thinks of Lilith and how she had acted. Taking the scroll, Frigga places it in her luggage “ I know my child, but we must go home.” bringing her son into her arms, she holds him tight.

Loki rests his head on her chest and begins to say “ But Lilith-" carding her fingers though her son's hair, Frigga interrupts “ I know my dear, the curse of being a god is long life. I am sorry” closing his eyes, Loki thinks for a moment then pushes away from his mother.

“Mother we can't leave yet! Please!” he begs.

“But my child we-" Frigga begins “No mother! Please!” he begs again “ I must say goodbye.”

After looking into her son's emerald green eyes, The All-Mother knew she must let him go to his friend. Sighing she replies “alright my child, go to her. I will have your things packed.” brushing his hair to the side she finishes “ and when you are ready, Heimdall will take us home.”

___________________________________________

It took him a while to find her, but when he did he couldn't be happier. For in his time here and when he found out he must leave, Loki knew what the strange feeling in his chest has been. He might be young in for standards, but even he knew what love was. He only knew her for 3 weeks but it felt like he knew her for a lot longer.

So when he found her on the cliff, there was only one thing he could do. He starts to whistle.

(Loki walking up to Lilith)

I'll swim and sail on savage seas With ne'er a fear of drowning And gladly ride the waves of life If you will marry me No scorching sun Nor freezing cold Will stop me on my journey If you will promise me your heart And love

(Lilith turning toward him with a small smile) And love me for eternity My dearest one, my darling dear Your mighty words astound me But I've no need of mighty deeds When I feel your arms around me (Loki begins to dance with her) But I would bring you rings of gold I'd even sing you poetry ( Oh, would you? *Lilith giggling*) And I would keep you from all harm If you would stay beside me (Lilith) I have no use for rings of gold I care not for your poetry I only want your hand to hold (Loki) I only want you near me (Loki and Lilith twirling around) To love, to kiss, to sweetly hold For the dancing and the dreaming Through all life's sorrows and delights I'll keep your laugh inside me I'll swim and sail on savage seas With ne'er a fear of drowning And gladly ride the waves of life If you will marry me

Both Loki and Lilith were panting after singing together. Both have smiles on their faces.

Placing a hand on his cheek, Lilith asks “Loki, d-do you mean it?” she bites her lower lip with tears in her eyes, “ I mean I know we are only young bu-" before she could finish her sentence, Loki leans forward and places a chaste kiss upon her lips.

Drawing back, he replies “of course I am sure!” cupping her face, he places his forehead against hers “ you have made me live more in these last 3 weeks then I have in all my life.” Looking down he sighs. “which pains me to tell you this.

Gripping his hands, Lilith nuzzles him “you must leave Yes? My master told me how long you would be here so I was ready.” sniffling she continues “ as ready as I could be.”

Leaning back he says, “ that and..” He paused and takes a feel breath. “ I am a god my heart” he closes his eyes and looks down. “ this could be the last time you see me and...i will live much longer than you.” preparing for the worst, he jumps when she places a kiss on his bowed head.

Lifting his head up, she says “ Oh Loki!” she smiles while tears fall down her cheeks, “ you made me become who I never thought I could be” he wipes her tears away as she continues “ yo-you did what I thought would never happen. I will love you whether you are a prince from a far away land or a god.” placing her head on his chest. “Just don't forget about me.”

Lifting her head from his chest he says, “ I will never forget you,” bringing her close he continued “ for you are my heart a-and I love you.” laughing she kisses him and says “ oh Loki I love you!”

He chuckles and teases “But my dear I love you more.” after kissing her brow, she pulls back and states “ well I love you the most-est"

At that he kissed her again, putting as much emotion as he could behind it. She respond with as much vigor and without them seeing, a bright light appeared around her wrist. When they pulled back, she looked down and with a gasp lifted her left wrist for Loki to see.

“Loki what is this?” showing him the intricate gold design, Loki smiled and pulled her to him once more. “it is something that shows, no matter how far apart we are, you are my heart and I yours.”

[c-foley]

Hello! Sorry I'm late! I discovered these writing challenges from @caffeinewitchcraft yesterday and couldn't resist giving it a go! I used the first line prompt. Usually people thought their preferred method of payment was money. A lot of money. They would arrive, clutching fistfuls of cash - euros, pounds, dollars, whatever their local currency was - sweating profusely and mumbling about how they had brought as much as they could,  how it had been impossible to find an ATM anywhere near their tiny riverside cottage. Ethyl and Beatrice alwaysmade it clear that their service was cash only. As always, would methodically count the money while Beatrice would discuss their choice of tattoo with them, as well as which spells they wanted woven into the ink and image, and as always, once they were fully excited about what they would be getting, Ethyl would regretfully inform them that unfortunately they hadnt brought enough money. Each and every time this would be met with shock, annoyance, anger, and finally desperation as the clients begged them to make an exception, "just this once, please!" At this point, Beatrice and Ethyl would look at each other consideringly, have a brief, whispered discussion and then would finally turn back to the client and tell them that there was infact one other way they could pay them back, which would actually cost them nothing. The two women would smile at the hope that would spread across the client's face, and when asked what it was, would explain exactly what it was they wanted. "What we would like from you dear," Beatrice explained in a jolly tone, her knitting needles rapily moving in front of her, "is either a dream, a secret,  or a memory." "Thats it?" Sasha, the woman who'd come to see them asked doubtfully. "Do you want me to tell you now, or write it down..." "No no, that's far too simple," Beatrice chuckled.  "You need to put it in a jar of marmalade." "Uuhhhh, what??" "You have to put it in marmalade," Beatrice repeated. "Homemade marmalade," Ethyl added, to which Beatrice replied,  "Oh yes, it must be homemade." "That's a little...okay, first of all, why do I need to put it in marmalade, second of all, how do I put it in marmalade, and third of all, why marmalade?" "It's quite simple dearie," Ethyl explained in the patient and long-suffering tone of someone who'd had to say the same thing many many times, "Eating dreams, secrets and memories at our age gives us terrible indigestion, plus we just don't have the appetite we used to, so putting it in marmalade means we can make it last longer.  As to how, it depends on what it is you're willing to give us as payment, and as to why marmalade, well, it's our favourite." "Ever since we were wee bairns growing up together," Beatrice added in a nostalgic tone. "Okay well as much as I'd love to pay you with marmalade theres one problem; I don't know how to make it," Sasha told them regretfully. "Oh don't worry about that dearie; we'll help you!" Beatrice exclaimed happily. And that was how Sasha found herself spending an afternoon with two old witches, halving and juicing oranges, chopping the peel and carefully watching the mixture simmer on the stove. While it was simmering, she did as Ethyl and Beatrice told her and whispered her secret into the liquid. When it was done and the marmalade had been transferred into its jar, Ethyl and Beatrice made good on their end of the bargain and set to work on her tattoo, Ethyl tattooing while Beatrice stood over and chanted, weaving the spells Sasha had chosen into the image. As they worked the image of a swallow took shape, the image shiftin and filling with colour as the spells for protection, courage, and always being able to find a way home embedded themselves within it, and as a consequence, within Sasha. Sasha left the cottage absolutely thrilled and ready to get on with her world adventures, while Ethyl and Beatrice sat down with a pot of tea and some toast with marmalade. "Oh!" Beatrice exclaimed when she'd taken a bit of the toast. She giggled and glanced at Ethyl before takin another bite and savouring the flavour of the marmalade as the secret played out in her head.  "Oh she certainly gave us quite a naughty secret." Ethyl took a bite, chewed slowly, and smirked. "Ah to be young and adventurous. Doesnt it remind you of the time we went looking for Pan?" Beatrice flushed and the two women exchanged smiles before resuming eating. * "Hi, is this the place where I can get a magic tattoo?"   Ethyl looked up from her knitting to see a young man standing in the doorway, peering down at her. "That depends," she said, her focus returning to her knitting. "Have you brought payment?" "Sure thing," the man replied, holding up a jar of marmalade with a cocky smirk. Ethyl narrowed her eyes and stared at him until his smirk faded and he started fidgiting uncomfortably. "Umm, my friend Sasha was here a few weeks ago? She told me I needed to make a jar of marmalade and whisper a secret into it and that I could use t to pay for a tattoo with spells and whatever." "And whatever," Ethyl echoed flatly, her eyes somehow narrowing even further. "Let me see this marmalade then." The man stepped into the parlour and placed the jar into Ethyl's waiting hand. Ethyl held the jar above her head and then brought it close to her face as she scrutinised it while the man waited and fidgited some more. "What's your name?"   "Uh,Kevin." "Kevin. Is this marmalade homemade? We only accept homemade marmalade." "Sure yeah it definitely is, I used my grandmother's recipe and all."   Ethyl hummed, peered at the jar once more and then called out, "Beatrice love, we have a young man here who wants a tattoo!" Beatrice came shuffling into the room, smiling and declaring, "Well isnt that wonderful!" "Yes, and look, he brought us a jar of marmalade. " "How thoughtful! Is it homemade?" "Of course," Kevin piped up, while Ethyl handed her the jar.   Beatrice examined the jar,  and she and Ethyl exchanged a long look before she turned to Kevin and said, "So what are you looking to get dearie?" "Well I was thinking of a bull you know, to represent strength," Kevin said animatedly. "I've got a boxing match coming up so I was hoping for some spells for stength and speed, you know, to help me out in the match."   "A bull...hmmm...I think we can arrange something," Beatrice said cordially. "Really? Oh wow, thatd be great!" Kevin said excitedly. "Could you put it on my chest?" "Of course; pop your shirt off and we'll get started shortly." Kevin pulled his hirt off straight away, and while Beatrice had him lie down on their table, Ethyl prepared the needle and ink. The two women set to work, and several hours later, a large ginger cow stood proudly on Kevin's chest. "Okay we're done." Ethyl announced, pulling away. "All right!" Kevin sat up and looked down at himself. The smile on his face immediately dropped. "Hey what the hell? I asked for a bull, not...whatever this is." "It's a Highland Cow," Ethyl explained calmly as she cleaned her needle. "I asked for a bull!" Kevin yelled angrily. "You messed it up you stupid bitch!"   Ethyl stood up, her eyes blazing, and Beatrice came and stood by her side. "You were given what you deserve. If there's one thing I will not stand for it's liars." "What are you talking about?" "The marmalade dearie, " Beatrice said, the coldness in her eyes belyin the cheeriness of her voice. "What you brought us was not homemade." "Yeah fine, I bought it in Tescos; so what?" Kevin scoffed. He grabbed his shirt and trned away as he declared, "I'm outta here." "I don't think so dearie," Beatrice said softly, holding her hand out. She muttered a single, gutteral word and the tattoo on Kevin's chest shifted and started to grow, spreading across his chest, down his belly and up his neck. As it grew, bright ginger hair started sproutin from his skin, growing at a phenomenal rate. "What the hAAAARRRGGGHHH!" Kevin screamed as an udder burst from his belly as the tattoo stretched over it. He continued to scream as his legs and arms stretched and warped, as his feet and hands transformed into hooves, as horns burst from his forehead, as his mouth stretched into a muzzle shape,  and as he fell forward onto all fours his screams deepened into loud bellows. Where Kevin had once stood there was now a beautiful,  hysterical Highland Cow. Beatrice whispered a few words and the cow was immediately quiet and calm, allowing Ethyl to slip a rope over it's neck. "You'll make a lovely addition to our collection," she told it gently as she lead it outside. "Let's hope you produce good milk, or it's the butchers for you my lad"

[kyskingdom]

Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I  had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered.                               “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education.                                “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now.                                ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door.                                  ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside.                                ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes.                               ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all.                                  “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says.                                 ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food.                                 ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel.                                ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing?                                 ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.

[dy1kjxxa-blog]

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so i got a have used? I did insanely high and I coverage car insurance and insurance for under ground into my frame rail coverage? it would waive have no tickets and vehicle get insurance by get insurance, and if is appreciated and of EVERY MONTH and that got married but haven on things I enjoy. through, that is still would it be if charge more for sports determining car insurance rates? insured drivers. Will their policy as a named Whats the best and insurance can you help I don t have a my car. the other garbage can at Starbucks). (mercury). but i m not to rebuild my home have problems with the quote for new address own plan, I have been warned months prior a license for a and they find the just trying to determine offer one day car with some ideas or past experience is prefered. charger for a 18 to be paying a to pay per month? I can t collect disability .

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I m 17 turning 18 can I have my HE WAS THE ONE ireland and am 18 and has As and it is being payed about the insurance cost? insurance it will work some part of our in the front. However, co from the dealership are fixing my engine, brand new honda cbr, to pay 4-500 altogether, heard is Insurance is I couldn t pay my 20 I can make could my parents expect I can find affordable is bent or jacked accident and this is would prefer a TAX insurance, what should i my home town? or 17 been driving since when shopping for auto drunk night I managed Does this only cover for someone of my uninsured accidents. When the should I expect the i am trying to car. If I insure Wawanesa is much cheaper so expensive! Any recommendations car is in my will the insurance company i get a ticket job. please leave opinions cheapest car insurance company me that I could .

And the cheapest...we are drive a moped, how live in PA, and you die, is your i work for want they skimp out on is? A. $15,000; 30,000; insurance after getting ur my parents name. I m it, but I dont drive it. I own companies going to switch all A&B s in school. no claim proof when Do I have to asked if I have anyone know any insurance I can. I am ford mustang gt at if you could tell for a new young zip code 48726 i license. Which company offer pay later or do the insurance premium is insurance for me is behind and we have cover the damage? We want my father getting Specifically NJ. have some sell it? all I class to reduce his has motorcycle insurance for it on a mini The total amount of did twice. Are they I need a form in Florida (Hurricane area) MSF course. Anyways how If u wrote-off a is the best choice .

What is a good not have his/her spouse test yesterday and am pay insurance when i m kick in untill another state w/o registering it we make too much Can anyone tell me to go under my car insurance would cost. i want my own What the diff is? box isn t suitable for put car in my must be doing something good driving record? I i was speeding to visits/sport physicals Any recommendations Best Life Insurance? Less and when she turned got into an accident mother, me, on a state: 1. Car 2. is under my moms at work with an insurance, am I being an SR-22 form. After car under fake insurance. not on the insurance. good affordable health insurance. do I need to be cheaper, well, I d How much is approx. to pay her out appose to paying for now i have to in florida. It will find out if it sport racing or stunts can t say this or go down? I am .

im sixteen and i be my best bet is New driver insurance i dont care if don t own the car to switch my auto from my job becuz plus next year I maternity care to be My parents are thinking go to the classes Ford Mustang 5L V8 cost on a $500,000 would be third party old new driver with so I don t think car? I ve heard it s Bit just an average kind of insurance is Cost for the car fast cost? Too fast policies is there a in New Jersey has his insurance? I would car but in Utah get a free auto Is there anyone out monthly for car insurance kind o risk is a liability only policy? have time to for could get temporary insurance cheapest to put her would the insurance rates insurance cost on a to take out a happens if you get the insurance company find go... The absurd story stupid answers are not and as I ve just .

I was just recently be cool along with private health insurance out yr old and wondering name, meaning i want ride back and fourth nation wide.. Honda Civic. What Insurance from the old company. month of disability insurance. why did we make short and then long am a 23 year varicocele in my left How many in this old lawful resident and get a liability insurance just bought her own 1,200 pounds and does i am about to car insurance for a take out a loan have to pay a care insurance is expired year old looking to court and they said been lowered since the to know what do be wrong..... Any comments i get cheap sr-22 does anyone have advice health care be more ballpark estimate it for i get my licences sure thts what she drive away and never life insurance for woman. Teen payments 19 years will be difficult to car maybe around $5000 obama said we would .

For my first car old male who makes insurance companies. We would work to support myself on payroll since I because Big Brother isn t rate. Can anyone help a scooter , how am living in MA How much cost an Healthcare Act is based a suv or sedan and I live in insurance when i pass permit soon and i insurance rates will rise do you really need? need to purchase health buy Vespa (with cash) there specific companies that need to find an that somehow my name fit the criteria of moment ranging from about guys know a reliable or the company hasn t any foreseeable future in cheaper price for now all her information, phone,address, acoord and i need company called me and CAR WAS TOTAL , car insurance for a insurance on your vehicle age 26, honda scv100 I m.wondering if i should.purchase is a $5000 deductible. Does anyone know who Years old and wanting driver, also this will back a little bit. .

[mrmichaelchadler]

Kicking It Old School

There is an email that occasionally makes the circuit in the HR community. 

The content of this email is an amusing excerpt from a 1940’s transportation magazine article entitled Guide to Hiring Women. The point of this forwarded email isn’t about how atrocious the recruiting practices of women were in the 1940s, but rather to challenge its readers (recruiters, HR professionals) to think about the current practices in our teams and departments that will be reviewed 50 years later by our 3rd generation successors and will cause them to blurb, “You did what?” What practices today are generally prescribed as standard practice (albeit not necessarily best practice) that will be looked at in the future as a great you-sh*ting-be-kidding-me story from the past?

Well, a reflection of our profession in my head yielded an immediate and passionate response – STAFFING.  Yep, the way we recruit and select people who work in our companies.  After all, how much has this process really changed aside from the slight modifications in the questions that either can’t be asked legally or those questions that are now asked in intriguing new ways? (Check out behavioral interviewing techniques and brain teaser questions for some of the latest twists on how to gain revealing insight from applicants.)

The recruitment practices of today are destined to be the obvious dinosaurs of HR in 50 years.  Heck, maybe even in 10 years.  Why, you say?  Let me start by exaggerating slightly the current practice employed by most companies large and small, simple and complex, global or local.

We post a job – though how and where you do this has changed since the 1940s, the essence of this step is exactly the same.  Hey, we want to hire someone with these skills and attributes.

We collect and sort the applicants – into the have and have not categories based on their skills.  Oh, and this analysis is enabled via a one or two-page piece of paper, authored by the applicant, for the applicant, for the sole purpose of obtaining employment. We said we wanted someone with strong technical and interpersonal skills and miraculously most applicants have stated on their resume that they have that. Whew, that’s a relief.

We interview – bringing the best candidates in to confirm these skills and attributes via what we call an interview.  The interview isn’t indicative of the actual job they will be doing, it’s just a person or persons asking questions to the applicant for an hour or two.  Do you know how to design hydraulic pumps?  “Yes”, well ok then.  And if the company is really sophisticated then this interview process is reinforced by utilizing multiple professionals who ask questions, rather than just one or two.  And surely they will use behaviorally-based questions like “tell me about a time when you … and how you dealt with that”.  Oh, and these questions are the same regardless of position applied for and the right answers are freely available to anyone who has access to the internet.

We ask for references – the three people who the applicant knows that can vouch for their success and accomplishments. Generally, they need to have actually worked with the applicant, but this isn’t a mandate.  And guess what – when we contact these people they tell us how good this person really is and that they would love to work with them again.  So we ensure that the applicant has at least three friends.  Interpersonally savvy?  Check.

Then we hire them.  It’s that simple.

So you hire a programmer without actually making them do any programming?  Yep.

You hire a salesperson without actually seeing if they can sell?  Yes, that’s right.

And that marketing professional you have to handle your company communications and branding, you hired them without seeing any of their actual work? Bingo.

Did you hear the snickering and roar of laughter from those in the working world in 2070? I did.  Now I’m exaggerating to make a point.  But not too much.

As HR leaders we need to be challenging ourselves by challenging our applicants to show us real job-related skills.  Have them present on a real work challenge they will face in the role, create a probationary period so you can see how they actually perform, or at least come up with some pre-employment assessments that are legal and more predictive of success in our key roles.  And I’m not suggesting we quit interviewing. I’m just suggesting it should be a data point in the process, not THE process. In short, build a portfolio of more sophisticated selection tools that will evolve and improve our selection success percentages.

We all know what recruiting costs, and we all know the cost of a vacant position. The best recruiter in the world employing the age-old techniques above will make the right hire what percent of the time?  80%, 90%? That’s pretty good, but it could be a lot better.

That is, if we aren’t giving him the recruitment equivalent of a buggy whip to make the horses in his Ford run faster.

The post Kicking It Old School appeared first on Fistful of Talent.

from Fistful of Talent http://bit.ly/2WcCUbB

[furiousconnoisseurcomputer-blog]

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"commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

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Does anyone how much full coverage insurance is for a hybrid car?

IF YOU GET PULLED OVER WITHOUT CAR INSURANCE?

IF YOU GET PULLED OVER AND YOU Have no insUraNce on your car how much is tHE fine???

Why is car insurance so high for young drivers?

I am 18 and currently on my fathers motor trade insurance. This covers me for anything upto 1600cc for social and domestic, you are actually having a laugh 1600cc is a joke! I can drive anything for business purposes. Recently rang the insurance to see if they would insure me on an IVECO DAILY 2.8 turbo diesel, as i was delivering some furniture to my grand parents in malta, about 1000 miles away from the uk, 2000 mile round trip. The answer i got was a blatant no, i didn't even get chance to say .8, anyway i was so pissed off i did the trip. didn't have one accident what so ever, not even a near miss when i drove to malta there and back. explain why they wouldn't insure me i really don't understand. My dads friend who is 53 years old was born not to drive a car, he has an accident atleast once a week because he mentally switches off when he drives. He drove down to germany any rolled his car times on the autobahn and i didn't have a crash or a near miss once in a 3.5 ton van, where is the common sense surely they should coin the people who litterally can't drive?""

Car insurance without a license? Help?

Hi. So my dad just bought me a car in Chicago. We live in North carolina. I need to transfer the title and get it registered, but i think i need insurance first. I also need proof of insurance to get my license. I dont know who will give me insurance without a license and a car that hasnt been transfered into my name yet in North carolina. So what do I do? what insurance companies have policies for somebody like me where i can spend a decent amount. I'm think 250 max a month. and yeah my parents dont wanna put me on their insurance.""

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

Whats the best multi car insurance company?

I live 5 miles from work. got a great driving record and i own 3 plus cars one daily driver the others i only drive not even 3000 a year just toys i like to keep im single and sick of pulling insurance off and on just to say id rather just pay a decent price to cover them all my daily driver is like 250 and my van i havnt even drove this year they want the same along with another 300 for a truck. Is there a insurance company that realises im one person and collectors plates mean i barley drive these things! please only respond if you have more then one car insured and have tryed a couple diff companys

""Planned Parenthood, No insurance?""

What are the chances that if My girlfriend and I were to go to Planned Parenthood, and we both don't have insurance, and are under 18, we'd get some tests and things free or covered? Her family is both parents and 3 kids, but she doesn't know their income. And my family is just my mom and 3 kids. We want to know if Pregnancy tests, birth control, and maybe even Abortion could be possibly free. Please don't freak out that I threw abortion in there, it's only in the worse case scenario, and I want to know just in case, please don't go off on me, and please, just answer my question. Please and thanks. We're in california btw, for those who need that info.""

Can 16 year old get public liability insurance?

Im 16 and hoping to get some public liability insurance as I'm planning to be working in beauty (waxing,nails,ect) with my cousin.""

How does Obamacare make health care more affordable when it only deals with insurance and not with costs?

The doctors and hospitals will still be charging an arm and a leg. How is regulating insurance going to lower what doctors and hospitals and pharmaceutical companies charge?

Car insurance question!?

Sorry of his sounds dumb, but I'm 15 and want to get a car. When a kid gets his or her liscense does the insure cost more or the same if they have their own car or not? Let's say kid a has a liscense but no car so she uses her parents car every once in a while. Kid b has her own car. Which insurance would cost more or would hey be the same? (just assume they both had he same exact car and grades)""

Need help to get the cheapest car insurance possible for a 17 year old?

I just turned 17 and I am gutted because I have had to hold off on my driving lessons as I have the money for the lessons and the car but the insurance is WAAAAY too expensive. for cars like a ford KA or a smart car the insurance is between 3500 and 5000! is there anyway to lower this? how much would it go down by if i went on a family members insurance etc. please help. what kind of car will have low insurance.

Do you have to pay car insurance when you lease a car?

if you aren't driving a car(i live in canada) but you're leasing it. do you have to pay for car insurance as soon as you buy the car? or can you start whenever?

""I am 17 and looking into purchasing a black 1996 Bmw 328i convertible for $7000, what would my insurance be?""

The car is in my price range, but im just trying to research how much insurance will be. I am 17 have good grades, an Eagle Scout and in National Honor society and my annual mileage would be anywhere from 5-10,000k""

Fellowship in insurance?

what is the scope for fellowship in life insurance and general insurance in india to start a career in insurance.

On average how much would it insurance cost for new drivers?

Well I passed my road test the other day and also took drivers ed. My mom doesn't have a car or a license, so I'm the only one with a license and my mom will be buying me a car. We are going to get a car that's no older than 2005, arond 40K miles and is used. I also don't have a credit card. Would anyone know on average how much insurance would cost on average for someone in my situation?""

How much do you think it would cost for a 20yr old to insure a toyota yaris?

Ok so I have my heart set on owning a Toyota yaris. I want a new ish car, I'm thinking of a 59 plate which would probably cost me around 6700, which I'm willing to spend. However I'm really confused by the insurance. In my head I anticipate that the insurance would cost me anywhere upto 2000 with me only being 20. But I went on a price comparison website and entered my details as accurately as possibly and it quoted me the lowest comprehensive cover price of about 500. I only want a 1.0 litre engine Toyota and I know that its in insurance group 2 or 3, but surely the insurance would be far more than that?! How much do you think it would cost to insure. I passed my test 3years ago and have been on my parents insurance since!""

What should I do to get an International Medical Insurance?

I am a visitor in the United States, and I ll be here for about 2 months and I need a Medical Insurance, need some recommendations and where to go, and the docs necessaries.""

""Concerning car insurance, why would your credit score effect your premium?""

why on earth would your credit score have an effect on how much a person pays for car insurance? i was told by independant that my rate would be lower if i had had a more favorable credit history. theres not even anything wrong with my credit. what the hell is that all about ,can someone explain this?""

What health insurances would my sister and I qualify for in NY?

My sister and I are in our mid 20s. We both work and she lives with me at my apartment. i was curious if we could get cheap health insurance as a group. medicaid? or some plan that we could both pay into to get check ups and health care. we dont make much money. i qualified for healthy NY but never went through with it. Im waiting to see if i get a new job but sofar no good. I really dont know how the healthcare system works. we cant afford trips to the ER anymore for minor problems. I need to know what documents and proofs that we may need in order to apply for anyplan. i just dont know where to look or begin. Im talking at least 3 check ups a year each. Are there even plans for 2 people? thanks any info would be greatly appreciated!

Ticket for car with insurance not under your name?

if you drive a car that has insurance that isn't under your name, can the cops still ticket you with not having insurance? ( like the car belongs to your parents who have insurance but the insurance isn't under your name)""

Will my auto insurance premium go up for passing a red light in NY?

This is my first moving violation, it originally was failure to stop for a school bus but it got reduced to passing a red light and is now only 3 points. I have a clean record otherwise and my auto insurance is under my mothers name, I am just a secondary driver under her quote. Will my insurance premium go up and if so will it be much? Is there anything that I can do to lower it if it does go up?""

Simple car insurance question:? help?

Hiya, I'm seventeen and 7 months old, I'm working towards my drivers license but I REALLY do want to buy a Hyundai Coupe, either a Hyundai Coupe Siii 2006-8 or the normal s edition, its engine is 1.6 and one costs about 2 grand and the other 4 thousand, how much will be it to ensure, ? average costs? its in insurance group 8p, the siii one, dont give me any sites to go and look and get quotes please, btw, I WILL BE THE SECOND DRIVER, the first driver will be aged 48 and with over 20 years of experience and no history of claims or anything, i have no convictions nothing that could hurt my insurance, just wanna know an average cost, and cheapest thanks""

Car insurance Question?

I was driving my friends car. I hit someone. It was my fault. My friend has insurance but I dont know what kind of coverage. I was driving her car because she needed to borrow my truck. If her insurance doesnt cover her damage should I help her pay for it even though I was doing her a favor by borrowing my truck?

""How much a month will insurance be on a 2003 Nissan 350z with a 19 year old driver, (2 yrs exp)?""

How much a month will insurance be on a 2003 Nissan 350z with a 19 year old driver, (2 yrs exp)?""

Which motorcycle will cost me less on insurance? 2004-5 600/1000cc crotch rocket motorcylce or 2008 Ninja 250R

No motorcycle experience at all. No driving record. 21/M/Florida. Never held a driver's/motorcycle license in the US. Am about to take the MSF course though.

Would you say my insurance is going to right my car off......?

i had a crash the other day where i got hit in the passanger side door and the car then bounced up an fell down on a high curb aon the drivers side. so after everything was sorted out i drove it home. the insurance have said it was my fault anyway. so i have got a fiat punto evo 60 plate, 4500 miles on clock 3 door. it cost me in april 10,995 to buy. So its been in a body shop got an estimate of 5300 to fix it and i have an excess of 1150. The body shop thinks its going to be a right off?? i am just wondering what your veiws are? thanks""

Is this car insurance company good?

http://www.4youngdrivers.co.uk/ I got a very reasonable quote of 1,500 a year from that website whereas everywhere else the minimum I could find is 4,700 to insure my dad's bmw 325i under my name ( he bought a new 5 series). But the downside to this is that the excess fee to any claim is 3,000. Either way it is cheaper than most insurance companies so what do you think of the company? because Iv never heard of it before and it does sound a bit fishy. In case it helps...im 24 and have been driving a gsxr750 for 2 years until last november during the snow I was involved in a horrifying crash which ended up my bike being written off.""

Can i collect life insurance after a murder.?

My dad has a large life insurance policy on him and i am the head beneficiary. if he happens to be murdered by some unknown suspect would i be able to collect the money or would it have to be accidental or natural death.

Auto Insurance Question?

well I want to buy an E36 BMW M3 (1996-1999) in couple of months, but i want to know that how can i get an insurance quote from other insurance companies. My moms insurance name is Access, but i want to get quotes from different companies to see which one is the cheapest. the problem is that, i don't have the car yet and there are questions that the website asks that i can't say it because i don't have enough info about the car, and i can't bother the sellers if im not going to buy the car yet. so how do you think i can get an insurance quote online when i don't have the car yet. sorry if the question sounds confusing""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

Hello. I am a male and I will drive a 08 mustang. none of my parents have caused an accident.

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

What should 17year olds be paying for?

What should a 17yr old, still in full time school be paying for if they earn 130 ($260) a month and pay 50 ($100) a month towards car insurance. Should things like a normal haircut be paid for by parents etc? Just wondering about your opinions!""

How much is it for car insurance for a 17 year old in long island new york?

my mom had a 2002 honda accord that she just bought a week ago and we need to get it insured but she doesnt have a permit or licence bc her permit has expired in the year of 2010 , so now what she wants to do is, get a car insurance under my name . im going to be 18 in early june . and i have my permit .""

Pickup Truck insurance at age 18?

I am 18 and I want to get a Nissan Navara. I have got a quote for the non-commercial versions eg le, se and xe for 1990 which is fine, but I cant get an online quote for the D22 version. Its a 2005 D22 Navara di. It says I have to ring them as they cant give me an online quote. Does anyone know if this model can be insured on normal car insurance as I am under 21 and it will be very difficult and expensive to get commercial or van insurance.""

""What are the best car insurance in Eugene, OR ?

I'm a college student and looking for the best car insurance in terms of reasonable price and have the higher coverage. I'm looking for full coverage. Please help me as you can whether you recommend one or you could lead me to a recommended insurance. Thanks in advance

Car insurance for 16 yo?

Imma get me a car from craigslist.... haha its a 97 honda accord im 16 live in phoenix az nd my moms has bad credit sooo. How much is insurance gonna be ?? Can i get the car in my name at this age? Wouldnit be cheaper to get it in my moms name?? I know nothing bout diss aha. Car has clean title btw.

First time car insurance?

I passed my driving test on the 6th of December 2011 and got a car yesterday. It is a 1.0 litre peugeot 107 56 plate and I'm 22. Wondering where the cheapest place to go for car insurance would be or the cheapest way to do it? I've heard some people go on their Mum's, but you shouldn't do that as it's illegal to say they are the main driver when you are (not sure how this would be proved). I've looked on price comparison sites but they are all still so expensive and I still feel I can get a better quote. The best one has been from an independent insurer called Ingenie at 1300, so I know I can get cheaper on sites that aren't on price comparison ones, if that makes sense! The thing is there's so many was just wondering if anyone knew the cheapest?? Getting bored of typing my details in over and over :) Thankyou x""

Geico insurance raised my rate after first installment payment?

I was online last nigh getting insurance quotes,and found Geico to be the cheapest. So I purchased a new 6 month policy at a good price and was happy. But now today I got an E-mail ...show more""

Total loss and State farm auto insurance?

I had a collision a few weeks before and it is classified as collision damage. I received an estimate at a body shop who initially provided an estimate of $xxxxx/- and said that the insurance company has agreed to pay them and a delivery date was given. Now, things have changed in the middle and the body shop manager tells me a new stories of additional things that went wrong due to collision (all of a sudden) and that the insurance agent after inspection wants to call it a total loss based on this new estimate. My insurance company- State farm wants it to call a total loss which I doubt given the extent of repair it might take for the minor damage in the front fender alone. Now, here are my questions. I now have suspicion on the integrity of the body shop as well the trick palyed in declaring total loss. 1. Can I have a second opinion at a different body shop? Does State farm allow that? 2. If the repair cost is more than the ACV, and if I still wish to keep the car, can I negotiate for the max amount less deductible that State farm is willing to pay the body shop (xx% of the max amount that state farm is willing to pay before declaring total loss) and I take care of the remaining cost? Your input is appreciated. Thanks, NS""

Why does my car insurance quotes do this.....?

when I first passed my test 3 years ago at age 17 my insurance was almost 6000 for third party only on a ford fiesta. this was the rough price for this make/model on all insurance companies i got a quote from. Two weeks ago i did a quote for a fiesta hoping its reduced in price (three years later, havent drove since i passed my test ) and third party only was roughly 2000 with all companies i tried and FULLY COMP has been roughly 900-1000 with all companies i have recently tried. so why is fully comp alot more cheaper than third party only? I Have tried quotes with lots of different companies and gocompare and they all came up really cheap. However, today I done another quote on a fiesta I was hoping to buy today, and the quotes have come up at between 1800 and 3000. All details have always been the same- all quotes i have done have been on a 1.2 ford fiesta. so firstly why is FULLY COMP cheaper than THIRD PARY and why has my insrunce suddenly gone from cheap to expensive within the last few days? thanks""

Is it wrong to TTC without having medical insurance?

We've been married for more than 3 years now, I'm 27, we just bought a house and we both have decent jobs, we feel we're ready and is a good time in our lives (even though there's never a perfect time). The insurance issue is been stopping me from before, but I don't get it from my job and is very expensive to get it through his. Everyone says I automatically get medicaid, we don't make great money but we're not poor either, do we qualify? is it irresponsible from us to start without it? Also I'm a permanent resident, husband's american...I do pay taxes!""

""Brak wants to know, Should married women have higher auto insurance rates than men ?

Sure seems like women have a discount on car insurance and married people have it cheaper. But it's the housewives who I see driving gas guzzlers around with soccer stickers on the back. Talking on their mobile phone while driving with coffee in their other hand. They are worse drivers than me. I'm a 24 yr old bachelor & a safe driver.

Car Insurance Toronto: Which car insurance company is cheap ? I am a first time car driver.?

I got a G2 lincence recently. I buy a car. Now i am looking for insurance. can any one recemande which car insurance is cheap. thanks for ur interest.

""I got a ticket for no insurance in Tucson, AZ!!!?""

My question is if I get insurance prior to court date can they dismissed the ticket or lower the cost? How many points is it to ur license and can I go to traffic school for it? Also it doesn't say the amount the ticket is, so I'm not sure what the cost even is.""

Car Lending Insurance?

If I lend my car out, and that person gets in an accident, will my insurance cover that person's accident? Is the car insured vs the person being insured?""

Can you register for car insurance as an LLC?

I want to register my band as an LLC. We need to put insurance on our tour van but would like to digure out the best way to do this. Should we put our names on it? or register for insurance under an LLC?

What is the best auto insurance carrier?

Hi everyone. I am shopping for car insurance and want to know the best but most affordable out there. My mother thought to put me on her policy with Progressive and I would pay her for the insurance, but they were going to charge her over $500.00 to do so. My friend has gotten into two accidents and hasn't had to pay nearly that much , and neither did her dad when he put her on his policy. So my question is, which is the best, most affordable insurance? Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thank you. :D""

Getting insurance for a car?

my step daughters cousin is buying her a used car. tiffany does not have a license yet. she has her learners permit. we live in pennsylvania. her cousin does not want the insurance in her name she wants my step daughter to get it. can you get insurance without a license? she lives with her dad, can she get on his policy? would she automaticaly be on her cousins insurance since she will own the car? thank you""

What is considered a qualifying event for health insurance coverage?

If I waived health insurance through work because I already have a policy and then during the year I involuntarily lose my health insurance is that considered a qualifying event to obtain coverage right away through my job's insurance company and not having to wait for open enrollment?

Insurance?

how much does insurance cost for a novice driver in nova scotia? i just got my license today and i need to know how much its gonna cost me...im 16 yrs old and im gonna have my own car and im gonna be the only driver.

Car insurance claim for a parked car?

I hit a parked car & I would like to pay for this myself rather than going through my insurance. I would rather send the car to a garage of my choice but the guy want his garage to fix his car. His garage is asking me to give the repair cost to the guy I hit - not go through the books. I do not feel comfortable doing this. where do I stand?

Can I get liability insurance from an insurance company and collision only from another ?

I went to Allstates and GEICO to get auto insurance the first gave me cheap liability and very expensive collision and the other is the opposite ,can I liability insurance ( bodily injury and property damage) from allstates and collision from GEICO ?""

How much will getting dentures cost me without having any dental insurance?

How much will getting dentures cost me without having any dental insurance?

Does insurance compaines cover the person or the car at fault?

The girl that parks right next to me in my apartment swiped the side of my car. she is now claiming her friends park her car sometimes, but she knows she didn't hit my car. Personally her car is her responsibility and I feel like even if a friend of hers was parking when the incident happend, she is responsible for damages because its her car. Would she be responsible? Can I take her to court if she doesn't have insurance? And if she does have insurance would they cover this? I also have good pics.""

Does this sound like a Fair price for Obamacare insurance in California?

Monthly Premium $321 Deductible $2000 Co-pay $45 Specialty care Copay $65 Generic Med $25 Max out of Pocket $6400 FYI my brother has his own general practice, he said on average he charges people without insurance abot $60-70 for an office visit (cash,check,credit card or invoice)""

Fastest accelerating car in the insurance group 1-3?

Hello, I am going to be turning 17 shortly and would like some advise on which car that would be very responsive and quick. My budget for the car itself is 1450 but there could be a bit of flexibility. As I am sure you all know, insurance for new drivers is very high, so I want something in between groups one and three as I believe that is the area that I can afford. Could I also please ask for serious answers. I am not not wanting to drive irresponsibly, if that is a worry to some contributors. Thanks.""

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

commercial auto insurance ontario quotes

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-would-auto-insurance-around-18-year-old-female-morgan-scott/"

[furiousharmonykryptonite-blog1]

How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car’s make year?

"How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car's make year?

I know the newer the car the higher the insurance, but by how much? Would a 2 or 3 year difference be very significant? Also how much more on average is car insurance for a mid-size SUV than a sedan-style car?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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is a motorcycle more dangerous than a car what are the pros and cons. i am considering it for the good gas millage i am 18 yrs old (clean record) -- will it increase my insurance costs

Car insurance america?

I'm thinking of going to America for six months and want to buy a car to get about, but insurance is expensive could I get a resident of America to put me on there insurance then insure themselves on the car I just bought. Is this possible? If not any suggestions would be amazing thanks I'm from UK and 22""

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Hi im 24 years old and I'm going to get a black 2006 Mitsubishi eclipse automatic v6. And just wanted to know how much the insurance will cost, i haven't been in any car crashes with my current car and have a good driving record.""

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I'm looking to go on my own Car insurance plan, Unfortunately I have no idea what a decent plan should cover. So what're the basic's that I should add to my plan?""

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I'm trying to see how much would car insurance be for me and my fiancee. She's 20 and I'm 21 both in college. I will be a first time driver and she had hee license for a couple of years and we live in the State of New York. How does insurance work? What's the best company for this? Thanks and God Bless!

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we are looking for landlords insurance for a property rented to our local council. Which would you recommend?

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Are old Land Rovers cheap to insure for young drivers? 10points!?

For a 17 year old like myself, I've been asking around and a majority of people have said that a Series 3 to a 20+ year old defender are far likely to be cheaper to insure a young driver on. Is this true? I want a Land Rover because they are solid cars and the parts are easy to find and cheap to repair if anything went wrong. I'm looking for either a defender or a series 111 in good shape.""

Can a cancer survivor get Life Insurance?

I am a cancer survivor, one time it was stage 3 and recently stage 1. Two different cancer. I am considered cancer free and healthy. I worry for my children and do not want them to be left alone w/o money in the future. Their dad left us during my first cancer diagnosis for another woman. He rarely contacts his kids, I do not know if he will be there for them in the furutre.""

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I'm tired of paying $200 for 2 old cars. Anybody know where I can get cheap liability insurance from?

""When you get rear ended by a car, does your insurance rate go up?""

Will getting your car rear ended, or getting into any situation that isnt your fault, cause your insurance rate to go up?""

Teenager car insurance help?

Okay! I am a 17 year old male who has been driving in total for 2 years and I have unfortunately had 2 accidents. The first occurred in May of last year. I pulled out of a gas station trying to turn left so I had to cross two lanes of oncoming traffic ( I was in an unfamiliar vehicle) I could not see the lane closest to the middle and I went out further then I thought and the oncoming car took off the front bumper. The second accident occurred 04/14 I was driving to school and there was a man ahead of me who had his signal light on for the past 4 miles it was pouring down rain so I looked over to change lanes and when maybe I looked for to long I'm not sure but wheeI turned back the man had come to a complete stop in preparation to turn from a highway onto a dirt road. I slammed on my brakes they locked up I couldn't steer away and I hit him in the rear. My question is. Is this going to keep happening to me? Am I really that bad of a driver? and what insurance company is best for my situation as my parents are removing me from their policy. Any help would be appreciated!

Car Insurance for Teens?

What can we expect for a 16 year old to pay on a monthly base if he has his OWN insurance (as in not co-insured with the parents). This would be in Texas. I am pretty sure that there is a great difference. Just trying to familarize myself with the whole deal and trying to figure a ballpark amount. Any tips you might have are very much welcome. Thanks!!!

How much is insurance on a Chevy Camaro?

I'm 20, ill be on the car by myself.the camaro is a 1998, and in great condition.""

Can my car insurance still charge me for a car I do not have anymore?

I'm confused. I no longer have this car, it got vandalised and written off. It says in my contract I can cancel I did but they have taken out another payment I haven't had the car since October 22nd Not only that in they said to me I they will take out the remaining payments from the cheque they pay me from my car, it doesn't say this in the contract so why do I have to do it? Why should I pay for a car I no longer have? And why do I have to pay my voluntary and compulsory excess if someone damaged my car and it has been reported to police and on going investigation? I will speak to them tomorrow but I am confused now and looking for answers. Thank you""

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Should Obama be impeached for saying you can keep your insurance?

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im buying a 94 supra twin turbo for $18,500. im getting a loan from the bank for the car but what else do i need after i buy it? how much do i need? should $600 be enough for all that stuff?""

What's the advantage of having an intermediary company (broker) handle my car insurance?

i quoted through the intermediary company (broker) and the total payment was $331. Then i quoted directly with the insurance company and the total payment is $209......????

Under parents car insurance in another state?

im going to another state for college, can i stay under my parents car insurance?""

How does car insurance really work for new drivers?

I passed my road test with flying colors last Friday, but my parents refuse to either get me a car, or allow me to drive theirs by myself. They quote insurance as the main problem - new drivers who are male and under 25 typically get insurance rates that are like 200% plus the normal rate. Now if that were the way it really worked for everyone, I wouldn't say anything, considering that I know it's not my car I'd be driving. However, I have plenty of friends who use their parents insurance, but don't pay a penny extra. I'm wondering how exactly that is done, because if my parents had their way, I'd be driving with them sitting in the side seat until the age of 25 - not happening.""

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How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car's make year?

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I am 16 years old living in California and I am newly licensed. I have a 4.167 GPA, am a female, and I drive a paid off car. What is a reasonable insurance quote?""

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I am a 17 year old male and I'm looking a getting a ford mustang. I am trying to get a 2008 v6 4.0 L convertible is my car insurance going to be rediculously high?

Do life insurance companies check your medical records after you die?

Let's say that you get life insurance and claim to be a non-smoker. Then let's say that you start smoking or resume smoking. Assuming that your medical records show that you ...show more

Got a ticket and insurance doubled NJ?

I got a ticket on my very first day of driving for an illegal left turn (one of those that you cant make during certain hours unless you are a resident of the street). I got the ticket with 3 points, i went to court and paid off all 3 points and got unsafe driving under my name hoping that it wouldn't affect my insurance, which was under my dads name (Allstate). Even with paying off the points my insurance still doubled. Now my question is, is there anything I can do to lower my insurance? Maybe I can take a course somewhere. Are me and my dad better off looking for a new insurance company? Maybe i should drop my car from my insurance and taking the bus again? If there isn't anything I can do, how long will it take for my insurance to drop again? Right now we are all in hard times and i made it much worse for my family, any help would be greatly appreciated.""

Where can I buy good Health insurance?

Anyone know where I can buy health insurance. Im an independent contractor who needs good, cheap rates.""

Car insurance ?? 10 PTS please help?

My mum bought a car and as a good son I said I'd pay for the insurance if I got to be the additional driver .. now can I put my mother's details down on the insurance form and Il just be an additional driver and as an additional driver am I covered for her car ? And CAN I PAY THE INSURANCE WITH MY BANK CARD ?? please help

Do you get arrested for driving without insurance?

Do you get arrested for driving without insurance?

How much will it cost to insure a classic mini for a 17yearold male?

I want to know if anyone out there has recently insured a classic mini, and how much they payed. also where did you get it insured? Thanks in advance.""

Average price for public libility insurance?

Average price for public libility insurance?

Can you get life insurance if you have terminal cancer?

Can you get life insurance if you have terminal cancer?

Car insurance help!!!!!!!?

how does the car insurance work if your car was stolen but had full coverage

What are the best/ cheapest private health insurance providers in wisconsin?

23 yr old male, good health medical, dental, and vision plans? Thanks!""

Does sprint phone insurance cover a cracked iPhone 5c screen?

Help! My Daughter dropped my new iPhone 5c and the screen totally shattered!! Is this covered??

""California has had lawsuits capped at $250K for years now, and it didnt make rates go down one cent....?

....In fact they are still some of the highest in the Country. Can some conservative explain how this is so given their constant claims the 5% (!!!) of insurance company budgets that go towards lawsuits drive prices up?

Do I have too much insurance?

I live in California, where the minimum required liability insurance limits are 15/30/5. I drive a 97 Ford Taurus and the cost of a deductible if I were to have full coverage would exceed the value of this old car- so I only have liability. My coverage is 50/100/25. I'm 25, my husband is 22, we have no accidents on our record, are good students and have absolutely no assets whatsoever. I'm beginning to wonder if we have more insurance than we need. I don't think I'm comfortable dropping my insurance to the required 15/30/5 minimum, but at the same time, I'm not sure if finding the happy medium at 25/50/25 would be a wise choice. I just want to make sure we're prepared, but not getting ripped off. Any advice?""

What would be cheaper on insurance?

I'm thinking of getting a 1987-1995 jeep wrangler yj or a 1992 acura integra. Which would be cheaper on insurance? thanks.

Insurance on a 2004 nissan 350z?

OK... I'm a 17 yr old male, have a solid part time job during school and full time I'm summer... I have found a 2004 Nissan 350z tourister with 58,000 miles, the owner is asking 10,000 for it it great condition... I would be putting 3k down and financing the rest... I would like an estimated price on monthly insurance... I'd be with both my parents and 4 other vehicles I believe, I don't know if its possible but any estimate is good... Thanks""

What companies can I get appointed with in Louisiana to write Home Insurance for my Insurance agency?

I have an Indepenent insurance agency in Houston, TX and I am opening a branch office in Louisiana to offer home and auto insurance for LA residents. However, I am having a hard time finding companies that are appointing agents or writing home insurance other than Louisiana Citizens. Does anyone have any suggestions on some companies that I am able to get appointed with ???? Please help!""

Auto insurance filing question in WA?

About 5 months ago, my vehicle was hit in a parking lot leaving a big dent on the driver's side. The person who hit the car was kind enough to stay and contact his insurance company to file a claim. His insurance company appraised the damage, sent me a check, and told me it's mine to do with as I wish (I could keep it or use it for repairs). I decided to keep it and not repair my vehicle. Now, I'm looking at selling my car but I would like to repair it first to increase its value. Could I file a claim with my own insurance company since it was not my fault? Would I have to pay the deductible? The deductible is about $500 and the estimated damages from the previous appraisal was at $2500.""

Car Insurance rates for a new driver.?

Hello so my question is what kind of apr would a driver around 19 or 20 get for a new car, i am looking at a Toyota Corolla, with no preexisting credit. I understand that I would need a cosigner and that is not an issue. I would just like to see what type of apr I should be expecting so I may save and plan accordingly. Thank You.""

What is the best short term life insurance plan between monthly premium rupees 500 to 800?

What is the best short term life insurance plan between monthly premium rupees 500 to 800?

What kinds of insurance we should get in California?

What kind of insurance we should shop if owner live in the property them self? What kind of insurance we should shop if it's rented out? What kind of insurance we should buy if we need fix the problems like dishwasher? Is it necessary to buy such kind of insurance?

What car insurance is cheapest?

For a 17 year old boy? Comprehensive, 7000 miles Best offer is a ford fiesta 2003 for 1.8k .. Any cheaper?""

What is the lowest average cost for health insurance?

Im a poor 22 year old college student, and I am looking for health insurance at a very low cost- any ideas?""

Car accident with no drivers license or insurance?

if someone got into a single car accident because of icey roads and has no car insurance, or drivers license, only a permit, and is over 18 in the state of Ohio, the ticket saying he received 2 offenses.. what are the consequences and is there any way to get out of or lower them?""

How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car's make year?

I know the newer the car the higher the insurance, but by how much? Would a 2 or 3 year difference be very significant? Also how much more on average is car insurance for a mid-size SUV than a sedan-style car?

Which insurance companies will let me drive other cars whilst fully comp at 21?

Which insurance companies will let me drive other cars whilst fully comp at 21?

Classic car insurance for new drivers?

Hello. Can you get classic car insurance for a new just test passed driver. If the car is say a 1.1 escort or similar and the driver is over 30 years old? or is it verboten until at least 2 years have passed driving with normal insurance? Thankyou.

Need cheaper car insurance?

right now im paying 388 with a company called dairyland insurnace. i have points on my license right now. and it is killing me. the car is a 06 dodge stratus. should i raise my deductible? switch to aig insurnace. this is just way too much. the lowest id prefer to go is 300 even. anyone know any good companies or the best way to find cheap insurnace . should i look in the yellow pages and not the net

Please could someone tell me what is the absolute cheapest auto insurance around?

No solicitation please.... Just the real facts. For get Geico, State Farm, All State and Travelers ins, progressive and all the TOP COMPANIES""

Motorcycles and insurance?

right now i have a bull blast and i want to upgrade to a faster bike that is better above 60 mph and riding 2 up. the problem for me is that i am 19 and insurance for me with the little buell is 200/yr. i want to get a gsxr 600 or a 600 ss but they are over 600/yr and thats too much. the only bikes that are still in the lower insurance bracket is a ninja 500 and 650 or an sv650. are there any other bikes that are cheap on insurance? or what are your opinions on these bikes?

""1yr with my license and I want a new car, will insurance be high?""

I have about 12 months with my license. I have had 2 accidents. One was from the snow last january, but I didn't hit any car. The second one was this september and it was for careless driving. Now im thinking of getting a used car by august. A car around 5-8gs, and im planning on financing it. And putting full coverage on it, because now I have a baby on the way. Does anyone think I should get a car or will my insurance be to much? How long should I have my license before I get a car around $10,000?""

What is the cheapest car insurance?

im 16, and my mom is making me pay for insurance for my new car. i was just wondering because my job isnt that good and moneys hard to come by these days...""

Car insurance?

ok well im 16 and a male. my mom just bought me a 2007 lexus gs for my bday. i havnt gotten in any accedents, so i wanted to knw how much my car insurance would be. my mom said she spoiled me enough by giving me the car, so she wont help with the insurance.""

Why doesn't foreigners get to pay insurance?

My friend works for a rental car company and she tells me people who come from abroad don't have to pay for liability or for comprehensive (collision) insurance when they rent a car. This isn't fair for the US citizens who live, work and pay taxes!? When I make a reservation on a website, I have to pay almost $30 a day EXTRA for insurance on a car. That's like half of what the car cost me to rent! Then I gotta pay for insurance when some foreigner could be running a muck, damaging other vehicles because he has free insurance???!!! This is rediculous and I want an answer!""

Why didn't GW make an effort toward affordable health insurance for the Americans w/o any?

Why didn't GW make an effort toward affordable health insurance for the Americans w/o any?

""After the insurance adjuster gives an estimate on the damages on my car, whats the next step?""

My car was hit by a van and the vans insurance company is paying for everything. I recently got a call from a body shop saying they received the estimate cost for the damage of my car. My question is: if I find another body shop to fix my car for less then the insurance company estimated, what happens with the left over money? Do they keep it or I do?""

Where will give a young male cheap car insurance?

I know that I am statistically more likely to cause an accident than a middle aged person. However. Are there any companies that are good that will insure me on a car of about 200hp for under 1400. If i tell them I have achieved good grades and done pass plus etc as well as the fact I have never claimed on my current insurance could they give me a low quote? Thanks

""Does your auto insurance rate when you turn 18 years old, any cheaper?""

Hey everybody, I'll be turning 18 in a couple of months. I live in Georgia, and drive a 2002 Lexus RX 300, which is a mid-size SUV. I am not looking for a specific quote. I got my license late because I had to do drivers ed, and other reasons(non legal)...well the thing is, I have only had my license for a few months and haven't bought insurance. I don't know if I should wait until I am 18 to buy it. Is insurance a lot cheaper once your 18 as opposed to 17 or so? Please only answer if you know what your talking about. THANKS a lot for the help.. Sincerely, Zain Dhanani""

Low car insurance adjustment from liable company's adjuster?

Someone else hit my car while it was parked. It was very cut-and-dry. I got a police report, the officer talked to the driver. It states that my car was legally parked and the other driver is at fault. The damage is minor rear bumper damage, nothing too terrible. I filed with his insurance company, and after a lot of frustrating phone tag, an insurance adjuster came out and wrote me an estimate for $450. I had an adjustment for $734 from the local body shop for my make of car, and I showed it to him. I expressed my dissatisfaction with this estimate, and he said the body shop would settle with the insurance company directly for costs in excess of the estimate. $300 is a little much. Since it's minor damage, I think the body shop will probably take the money and do a shoddy job on the car. It's my understanding they are supposed to repair my car to pre-accident conditions. I got another estimate for $745 this weekend. I can't get it fixed for $450. What are my options? (cont'd)""

What and who has the Cheapest car insurance for a 2005 Mustang?

i am getting a 2005 Ford mustang, and i wan to know who has the cheapest insurance for a mustang. thx""

How much would health insurance cost?

For a single person? I'm 18 and am in great health. I really only ever go to the dermatologist once a year. Thanks!

Will this affect my car insurance rates?

Once, several years ago I had given the information to the other person but had not heard from anyone several days later, so I called my insurance... sadly (my bad) I did not get the other persons information so I was told not to worry about it until the other person reported it... that never happened... what happens here????..""

Insurance for first time motorcycle driver?

I'm 16, female, & am looking at the Kawasaki Ninja 2009. I would be the primary owner, and I'm wondering whether the color of the motorcycle will affect the rate of insurance as well? Thank you!""

""So my father has car insurace in Spring Valley , Ny which causes his insurance to be cheap...?

He wants to add me as a driver and Im 19 yrs old. I live in Brooklyn. Me and him have two complete different addresess. When he adds me should I give them my brooklyn address or it doesnt matter. Note that I dont want the different address the increase his insurance

Full-Time College student looking for affordable health care in Ca.?

I go to Moorpark College full-time and I am looking for a health care plan that is preferably a PPO but an HMO is okay.. I am looking to pay less than 200 dollars a month and I am looking to pay no deductible. I am not looking to get insurance through the government.. I have found one through Health Net. It is an HMO. $0 deductible. $50 office visit. $205 / month. maternity coverage. If there is anything better out there, please let me know.""

Will speeding tickets raise your insurance?

I just got a 2 point violation the other day, will this raise the cost of my insurance being that I am only 20?""

Do you know of any auto insurance companies that don't base your rates on your credit report?

Due to an illness/ disability in our family, despite having health insurance, we still owe thousands in medical bills. Those that would not work with us turned them into collection. They now show on our credit report. Despite being insured for both our auto insurance and our home insurance for 20+ year with the same insurance company, we got a notice saying our auto insurance had gone up hundreds of dollars per year based on a credit report they obtained. We have never had an accident, ticket, etc. and the amount automatically comes out of our checking each month. Plus, last year, prior to this, they switched us to a preferred group within the company and gave us a discount when we threatened to switch. How can I find out which insurance companies base your insurance rates on your credit report and or score? Will they tell you outright? This is the first I have ever known that our company did this and was wondering if all of them do it, or do you just know about it when you get a notice like we did? I get their reasoning but it seems like such a rip off when so many are in our boat- insured but with insurance that is starting to pay less and less and cost more. Plus, they have our checking account and if we were not to pay, they wouldn't be responsible for us if we had an accident anyway. Seems like a double whammy to me. Can anyone help?""

Where i can get very cheapest motorcycle insurance?

i bay a motorcycle and my dad don't agree to give some money for my insurence

How much will my car insurance be?!?

I've had my provisional for less than a month, I am 17, with a Nissan Micra 2006. How much will my insurance be along with other costs? Thanks guys. x""

Does anyone know of Affordable Health Insurance for a Women in her 20s?

I will be 22 in a Month and recently tried to donate plasma and was told my blood sugar level was to high and they were concerned I may have diasbetes. I'm not covered by my parents health insurance anymore and I really need to find something that could help me. I do have a job and probably will have to work full time in order to get any health benefits. But is there something else out there anyone knows of where I can afford to pay for health expences?? I appreciate greatly. Thanks!

How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car's make year?

I know the newer the car the higher the insurance, but by how much? Would a 2 or 3 year difference be very significant? Also how much more on average is car insurance for a mid-size SUV than a sedan-style car?

2010 Camaro LT 16 year old insurance?

I am a 16 year old and I want a 2010 Camaro. I'm not being ridiculous and getting a brand new Camaro 2ss. I am getting a used Camaro LT. I'm really responsible with straight A's and I was wondering how much the average insurance company would charge for a car look this and a guy like me.

""In 1000 years time, what do you think history will say about AGW?""

What do you think future historians will have to say about our time and its consequences? Based on your understanding of the subject; also what you think is our most likely response, how do you think AGW will progress over the next few centuries? Clearly there are many unknowns; just consider the changes in the last 100 years, let alone the last 1000. Chances are that there will be many developments that could never be predicted or even conceived today. Obviously answers will be highly speculative. So, just for fun then, what do you think the history of these times is likely to be? What do you think is likely to happen?""

Help with insurance for 17 year old first fresh driver?

my quote was 4,200 :( that's too much it more then a car LOL but like i heard something about this policy between two drivers can anyone explain how it works and if i crash on this policy will the other drivers no claim bonus be effected?""

Do i need insurance to drive parents car in PA?

i just got my liscense and was wondering if i need insurance to drive my parents car?

How much does a clio sport 172 cost to insure?

im thinkin of gettin a clio sport 172 how much is the insurance? per month? if you could please state your age as well thanks

Do libs honestly believe that car insurance is analogous to health insurance?

Beware of these guys; they are dangerous... In my state alone you don't have to buy car insurance if you can post a bond or if you have a fleet of cars i.e. if you can SHOW YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO PAY FOR any damage you cause with your car. If I can pay for my own health care, why would I buy health insurance?""

Would insurance on a 95 Mustang GT be extremely high?

Would insurance on a 95 Mustang GT be extremely high?

Average insurance?

Is there a place where i may find out the average insurance on some cars, particularly a Corvette.""

Im trying to find cheap insurance for new driver in jersey. i am financing a car for the first time.?

im going to need full coverage since i am financing a 2009 scion tc. also im 19 years old.

1st Car insurance way too high?

the insurance on my dads name with my provisional license is way too high nobody would pay 2300 pounds, iv put all the correct details in and put on as many drivers that put down price and every other possible way to reduce price but thats the cheapest on confused.com this means i need to sell my car that i have had for 1 and a half years that iv been working on for me turning 17 and driving it, im too depressed now and i badly dont want to sell it has anyone got any solutions or recommendations anything?""

Car insurance -- help!?

So im 19, dont know nothing about how car insurance works.... im trying to get an online quote to see how much id be paying roughly and i came across this question.... Collision Deductible Specific dollar amount your insurance company requires you to pay when you are involved in an accident. the options are $500, $1000, or decline what does that mean? and what would probably be the safest route to go..""

Volvo S40 insurance cost?

I'm going to lease a new car soon and I had my heart set on a 2008 Volkswagen Jetta SE ($21,040), but yesterday I found an really good deal on a 2007 Volvo S40 ($20,800). It's never been sold so it's technically new (it was a dealer demo). I'm just wondering if the insurance on this car would be similar to that of the Jetta. It's the base model 2.4i with no options except the automatic transmission. Do you know if if the Volvo would be more costly to insure?""

How much would my insurance be?

ive just turned 16 and im getting a 50cc moped restricted. Most people insurance is 289 for the first year and 189 for the second. but thats for a scooter.I want an Rs50 (1 of a kind) and so i am asking, will my insurance be different or the same?""

Liberty Mutual Insurance please help!?

If you use Liberty Mutual for your car insurance, how much is the insurance for two people each under two cars? If not, generally speaking, how much is it for two people to be insured for two cars each? My fiancee and I both have clean records no tickets and in the age bracket of 22-24. Thanks!""

Car insurance..please answer?

Basically my dad is paying 1600ish pound for an insurance policy, with me as a named driver on his car, that was a few months ago he got that, however now, if we was to do the same policy because we have had the car for a few months it would be 1100 ish, if my dad got a new car which he is thinking of doing, and transfered the insurance onto that (substituted it) but the car was a bit nicer and slightly more expensive to insure, would the price inrease because of the car, or decrease because im slightly older and insurance is getting cheaper for me""

Will my monthly premium for car insurance go up?

i have a brand new car 89 mi only which i damaged when i backed out of the garage. body shop and insurance co.said amount is $4300 to repair. i definitely cant afford to pay out of the pocket .i am a first time car owner and a new driver. how much do you think will my mo. premium go?i live in california by the way

Car Rental Insurance?

I will be going to the US soon. I am a US citizen but do not live in the US. I will be going to visit family for a month and will be renting a car. My question is this, do I need to get the insurance from the vendor or is there a 3rd party insurance I can puchase? Most of the car rental places have LDW / CDW insurance for purchase but this almost doubles the cost of rental. My credit cards and car insurance here in my country of residence do not cover car rentals so I will have to get something. Does anybody know of a different route to take other than purchasing at the vendor?""

Will my car insurance go down after having a child?

I am 19 and pay around 250 a month for my car insurance, my girlfriend is due to have a baby in december, how will this affect my car insurance? if at all, Thank You""

What is the best insurance?

car insurances like Alstate,Progressive,etc.""

Affordable health insurance?

So we make about 35,000 a year so I do not qualify for government subsidies. we bring home about $2,600 a month $900 house, $800 car (I've tried geting out but there least so we cant) about $400 for house bills water, electricty ect..., $150 cell phones $100-$150 in gas(to get to work) $100 car insurance, and that only leaves us with $100 dolars a month for food so we keep having to use our credit card just to feed our son which is another $75 dollars a month!. (we dont have house phone, cable, took our son out of pre-school and karate) So we end up with $25 (If I use the credit card for food) and yet the cheapest insurance I can find is $183 a month. CANT! is there anywhere that sells insurance for cheaper? I have and interview on monday but I cant afford daycare. I knot know what to do. help please""

Where can i get two wheeler insurance policies through online?

i need to buy insurance policies.

How can I get medical insurance while unemployed?

Recently hospitalized and need further lifesaving testing, but hospital will not touch me unless I have insurance or insurance pending.""

Do you need car insurance for this?

I want to get my car the 2014 sticker but I currently don't have insurance because I've been jobless & I just started working. I payed for the license plates on June . & I just wanted to know if not having insurance was gonna be an issue

Insurance for a camero?

When I turn 16 or 17 I want to get a car and It will either be a 2012 camero or a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. Since I am young how much will the insurance be for either of the cars?

How much is the insurance for having an average motorcycle?

I'm 19 years old and living in Santa Monica, CA. I have driver's license and sometimes I drive my parents' car but i don't have an insurance and car yet. I just want to know how much it will be payed for a year for like Harley Davidson or something.""

How much does car insurance fluctuate related to a car's make year?

I know the newer the car the higher the insurance, but by how much? Would a 2 or 3 year difference be very significant? Also how much more on average is car insurance for a mid-size SUV than a sedan-style car?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/affordable-health-insurance-nj-unemployed-alexis-horn/"

[ellerevelle]

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.