#so rly all i gotta do is clean my apartment which ill do in the morning tomorrow and wednesday

[stephaniedola]

bus guy says hes in town today lol idk if that means he wants to meet up or what 😏

[rexxxhia]

everything feels like it’s spiraling downhill so fast. I try not to tell anyone, because I know it’s heavy. I tried to reach out to a couple ppl. My mom says whelp I dunno. My boyfriend doesn’t know what to do. He seems indifferent to my suffering. Or thinks his suffering is worse than mine. But I’m not trying to compete, i just genuinely need help. I try and talk to him about it and he just says im sorry i made you feel that way, ill try to x,y and z. Then nothing changes and I still feel so alone. I don’t have anybody but him and sometimes my mother. I don’t talk to people, I really don’t feel like I have friends who are close. I started recently becoming friends with my music teacher, we have a lot in common. But She is a soft lil bean and I know it would make her rly sad to hear those things about me. My boyfriend says I have his nana and that she would do the same for me but like.... I just don’t feel the same connection with her that he does. She will always be on the side of my bf no matter what. She will try and make anything and everything work around him. I’ve tried talking to her a few times about how he makes me feel and basically it’s always the same thing. I gotta understand that he’s having a hard time too. I understand this, but he has people who will take care of every need he has. if he doesnt want to do something, I or his nana always take care of it. He just doesn’t see it. I bust my ass cleaning every day, following around after him cleaning up his messes.... which adds to the stress. not only do i worry about his stuff but i ahve to worry about fixing up the house, paying bills, grocery shopping, cleaning up the apartment, and a full time manager job. He has one job and it is to stock. Granted it is hard work, but it’s really the only thing he worries about. everything else is taken care of for him. sometimes i nag, and i feel awful. but I just feel so close to the tipping point and i always have to beg for help. sometimes begging does nothing. I’ve told him “I am begging you to please help me more.” Nothing came out of it. it’s driving me fucking crazy i cant get through to him. I’m so fucking done sometimes. I’d rather be alone than to be his shadow :( I don’t think he knows how to love someone, I don’t think he knows how to help someone. I don’t think he knows how to do much for himself. He always needs help with everything tht requires some sort of work. the dishes have been sitting there for a month. I’m the only one who does laundry. I do all of our clothes. I feel like a slave and he thinks i have no reason to feel that way. I just want to die, I’m so sick of helping everyone and not getting even a little help. He had his nana call his work and lie for him so he could leave early. I have no one to do that for me. I’m so alone.... 

[thelifetimechannel]

[autisticstarseed]

lol heres my Way too serious and thought out timeline+headcanons for doyle bc i figure if i can make these kinds of things for my ocs that are only like 2 days old imagine what kind of post i can make for a guy ive thought about every day of my life since i was 9;;;;;;;;;

so first off, a lot of these are projections from Some kind of personal thing unless otherwise specified so not only do you Not have to agree with them but some of them are gonna be oddly specific and may even seem kind of unfitting/ooc or w/e and its just bc maladaptive daydreaming is fuckt up but also the show only has 36 episodes and hes not even in all of them so i dont have a Ton to analyze :’) anywyas here u go;

TIMELINE:

after the accident in the himalayas he went to an orphanage but did end up having 2 official foster homes. there were a few people at the orphanage he got attached to (the carertakers, and eric), but was overall yearning for a real family

home 1 was thrown together quick fix (when he was about 6-8) and it wassssss okay but his parents were drug addicts and money was spent in the wrong places, leading to a big struggle with food, rent, etc. and they lived in an area that was kind of overall impoverished so streets were dangerous and the water wasnt very clean (leading to the comments about not trusting tap water in where lies the engulfer), but since it was his first ‘family’ it left a big imprint on him and when he was finally taken away bc of the financial neglect it really fucked him up and made him kind of resentful towards the foster system, he felt they were doing their best and wanted it to work and was too young to understand why it happened. it took him a while to even attempt to trust adults after that

he spent a few years back at the orphanage, with a lot of behavioral problems stirring up causing the relationships he had with his carers to be strained

the second home (from 13-16) was much worse with emotional+physical violence and gaslighting, he had a foster sister (mika) but she was kind of emotionally distant and had an “every man for himself” viewpoint on the situation. they did grow closer over the years and eventually decided to run away together

mika went off to do her own thing within months (which doyle Did Not Expe ct) so he drifted around for a while and made a lot of (bad) friends

tried to like get a normal job and live in an apartment and shit but the financial struggle and mental illness(TM) kept getting to him 

got into criminal shit when he was 19 [danny phantom voice] yo doyle blackwell he was just 19 and started working for van rook when he was 25 (my hc age for him at the beginning of the series bc God what are timelines)

now that all the angsty backstory is out of the way heres the modern hc shit;

pan as fuck and not ashamed of it like in the words of game grumps; Whos dick do i gotta suck to suck a dick around here

has bipolar I and bpd 

his moods usually present as going from doing whatever and not caring what anyone thinks (manic) to feeling very burdening and wanting to distance himself (depressive)

as seen when all the abbey shit goes down, he likes to bottle emotions and hide from problems. he will occasionally open up to drew but like. only in the form of a human nihilism meme aka he has to joke about it first

sometime after abbey and before the finale he meets eric again. doyles still pretty raw so he catches up with him and kinda reaches out and. eventually they start dating post finale when all the kur shit is done with 

he also sees mika around again bc she takes on informant work involving cryptids and its. very awkward bc nobody is ready to talk it out. she may (MAY) offer a helping hand during the kur stuff but would still try to keep a lot of distance 

anyways he rly likes to hang out with drew and eric (he can tolerate if docs there too but he thinks hes a buzzkill lol) late at night when zak+the cryptids are asleep, especially if theres alcohol or even some 🍁 weed 🍁 involved, it usually stays chill family fun but if its just doyle and drew it can quickly turn into a 2 person party bc of their combined impulsiveness lmao 

hes got a light dusting of freckles on his cheeks and like 1 around his mouth/lip too (example; x) and self harm scars on his arms and legs

he is a heavy sleeper and its his 1 weakness. if u wanna get him get him while hes asleep lmao

his sense of humor is very reminiscent of christine sydelko or david dobrik like. a boring friday night? someones getting their chest waxed or holding a tarantula or getting taped to a wall like theres no limit on fun(TM) its 100% extra at all times

he listens to avril lavigne this is the most realistic one i ddotn give a SHIt

:^) thats it for now i might add more or make a part 2 bc again, i think of new stuff literally every day, but this is the most important stuff i have for now ty for reading im gay

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...