#so sometimes I need to remind myself that my bpd isn't just a monster but another being that's hurting too and handling it the only way

[bluejay-in-flight]

Sometimes bpd is acknowledging and accepting that it's not a me it's a we...

You live your whole life thinking there's only one person taking up space in your mind and usually people are correct about that. But when you have bpd it's like sharing the brain space with your active child self, except your child self acts like jack jack from the incredibles...powers included

They say be kind to your younger self and who they were but what they don't know is that for you they still live and exist at your side

Constantly you have to fight them for control and try to take care of them at the same time, while they cry about how much life is and want to lash out at the world for it

And often you want to do the same...

[streettealee]

theory i've had running for a while now about how various downworlders represent different aspects/forms of neurodivergence and mental illness. and without being too spoilery about ~anything~ I was reminded of the connection I made a while back, long story short, do you think werewolves could represent something like the mood swings in bipolar or bpd or even autistic meltdowns? i know it's a very out there ask but i have IDEAS

TW: steroids, personal medical experience

That's quite an interesting take to think about. Without, of course, being spoilery about anything: when I write about werewolves, I more had in mind a period of my life where I was actually on steroids (prescribed by a doctor) on and off. At first, they feel kind of amazing, because they made a chronic pain I've been living with since the age of eleven disappear like it'd never been there. But I had a lot of energy all of a sudden. I struggled to sleep at all for many nights, and when I did, it was extremely lightly. My appetite increased dramatically and sometimes wasn't there at all. And I had wilder mood swings than I think I've ever had in my life. My skin broke out in acne worse than ever. The first time I was on steroids, I was only about thirteen, when a lot of my hormones were also going wild out of natural processes - and, of course, this medication threw them further out of balance, from my understanding.

I was aggressive, more physical, highly self-conscious, easily angered, quick to sadness and meltdowns, extreme in happiness, hyper, just... it was an intense experience. I got into arguments more. Literally took to punching a guy I had a crush on (just in the shoulder, but the intent to hurt, oddly, was there because of some provocation he did some days) and, on one occasion, throwing food at him (I have the distinct feeling he found it much less amusing than I did at the time). He confessed he had a crush on me too (I have no idea why and now I'm concerned for him upon reflection) but instead of being nice about it, I ignored him (for an entire year. As in I did not directly talk to him for the duration of a year.) I pushed myself physically further than I should have when lifting weights. I remember literally feeling like I could run up walls, wanting to try it, needing to bolt outside and run up the hills like a hound let loose. Everything about me was snappy, in a way. Words, moods. I couldn't focus either. Blew up in class at people. Hated myself. Was driven to a very, very dark place, the worst I've ever been in. There were, admittedly, other factors.

But I'll never forget how invincible I felt while on steroids or how much I craved them when the pain came back. The only thing holding me back from dangerously consuming more outside of what was prescribed was the fear of becoming as unstable as I was again. I scared myself with who I became and I'm still a little scared of her now.

In equal parts, I felt good, but I also felt like absolute shit. I had energy yet was simultaneously exhausted. Being on the medication and then off was, for a decent while, a real struggle (I did not suffer actual withdrawal, because my doctor was careful about that, but I did still suffer from intense mood swings for a while after I stopped taking the medication). It's what I draw inspiration from when writing about werewolves because of how changed they are when first turned. To me, werewolves have more to do with having more of things inside you that you lacked before, that you don't know what to do with, that lashes out and struggles to stay in no matter how desperately a distant, quiet part of you is saying "this isn't me, I know who I am, why can't I just be like I was?" Not so much a monster within as a version of you that is reflected tenfold outward, with less of your sensibilities. If, well, that makes sense. That was my experience I drew from. Changing and being not like yourself in a frightening way you feel like you can't control.

Honestly, I don't know enough about bipolar or BPD or autistic meltdowns to say with any confidence that Cassandra Clare was likely using werewolves as an allegory for these things. I barely have a clue what goes on in her mind after ChoT and some of the author talks I've seen her post. I used to think I knew what she was about, but I'm lost now. When I've seen CC write about newly turned werewolves, they are highly volatile, who need time and training before they can even interact with the wider world (hence the existence of the Praetor Lupus, for example, and some packs in general).

I could imagine werewolves representing some mental illness, but I'm unsure about a disorder or aspect of one. I'm wary of the possibility of unflattering comparisons that may harm others who may not appreciate the idea. What I will say is that when I write of werewolves, they represent a self that is intensified often beyond recognition, some change in you that you eventually learn to accommodate for and live with or control in some ways. I hope that all made sense <3

[i-stand-with-survivors]

Oh so I have to feel sorry for the person who ruined all my relationships with other people so I wouldn't leave then, spread lies about me so I wouldn't have a support system, gave me a fucking EATING DISORDER, and destroyed my school laptop just because they're uwu mentally ill and traumatized? Guess what sweetie being traumatized doesn't mean you fucking get to traumatize others. I see this monster, this good for nothing worthless inhuman MONSTER in Amber and I'm sick of all your gaslighting

That's not what I was trying to say but I'm genuinely sorry it came across that way.

Abusers are monsters and no one is obligated to feel sorry for them -- especially not the people they've victimized.

What I want to clarify my meaning on is that there's a difference between saying "this specific person" or "this specific set of behaviors this person did" are monstrous (which again, I agree with you on that part) vs. "all people who share a diagnosis with this person."

Abusers made a decision to be abusive assholes. They decided they were entitled to abuse somebody and all the patterns of behavior that entailed. I have no interest in framing it as something out of their control, as a mental illness is.

In many cases, abusers who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses use their illness as an excuse. But that's bullshit; no mental illness makes someone abusive, and implying otherwise is ableist of them. My abuser used to use his anxiety and depression against me in that way, using them to say he couldn't help it, to gaslight me, and to guilt trip me. But he didn't do those things because he has anxiety and depression. He did those things because he's an abuser, and abusers will look for any shield to hide behind.

And definitely, being traumatized does not excuse traumatizing others. I am with you on this, as I loathe it when people's first response to an abuser is "well uwu did they have an abusive childhood?" or similar because nope, that's no excuse. In fact in some ways that makes it worse to me because they know exactly how awful and helpless abuse makes someone feel yet still decided to treat somebody that way.

But not all people with BPD are going to traumatize others. I maintain that. You encountered someone who did and that never should have happened to you, you did not deserve that. That person is every bit the monster you've described, for choosing to abuse you. Nothing excuses that behavior. Again, I'm so sorry that it ever came across that I think otherwise. I only believe that their choices were individual and are not reflective of all people with BPD.

I can't speak to why AH reminds you of your abuser. JD reminds me of my abuser so I do understand what you're saying and why that makes it feel deeply personal even though we don't know either celeb personally. But I'll speak for myself here and say, I recognize that not everybody who reminds me of my abuser is actually an abuser. For me seeing that connection isn't what makes me believe JD is the abuser.

Please take care of yourself anon -- I say that genuinely, I know tone is hard to pick up online. This case is very triggering for many survivors, especially with it being so hard to avoid. I'm concerned that you seem to be continuing to read my blog despite that it sounds like it's really triggering for you. Please feel free to block me if you need to. I know I've made a point to engage mostly with primary sources specifically so that I can see both sides while still mostly avoiding the hot takes I sometimes see on social media that can be very triggering, so I say that from a place of "I've been there," not trying to be condescending.