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dramione-literary-analysis · 2 years

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Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love

Genre: Rom-com, Action Comedy

Author: @isthisselfcare

Word Count: 199K

OVERVIEW: Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love, (hereafter, referred to as BATMOBIL), is a whimsical, amusing delight of a rom-com set against the backdrop of an Auror protection job. Right off the bat, it is worth mentioning that this is a highly indulgent fic, border-lining on crack, I daresay. It’s chock-full of tropes and clichés that rom-com lovers will be familiar with. If a reader swapped out the magical references with their muggle counterparts, the Dramione vibes generally disappear. But if you’re looking for a low-stakes, feel-good summer read—well then, grab your ice cream, coziest blanket, fuzzy socks and dive right in to have your heart tickled and soaring with glee!

TECHNICAL WRITING: Isthisselfcare’s writing voice is one of her greatest strengths, full-stop. It is immaculate, masterful, sharp, idiosyncratic, and clever. I would wager to say that this is a top reason why so many people love this fic, even those who typically don’t prefer rom-coms! If you scroll through the top comments in each chapter, reviewers literally dissect favorite lines that stood out to them—there are a lot). The author expertly plays with puns and double-meanings. The level of banter, quips, and comedic timing is reminiscent of olivieblake’s work, one of the most respected banter-writers in the fandom. I oftentimes found myself re-reading certain lines to fully appreciate the layered jokes that flew over my head the first time. And there are hidden gems in nearly every line.

For the more quiet moments when comedic levity isn’t needed, the author’s use of prose is absolutely beautiful. I would include some lines as examples, but really, the only way to appreciate the power of the writing is by reading it yourself.

SETTING: Tonally, I thought the sets were absolutely gorgeous, immersive, and visceral. Without giving too much away, a large part of the story is set in various places around the world that Draco and Hermione travel to. And those places (which exist in real life) are described beautifully—I felt right like I was there with them; every location felt like a postcard moment. The places that D and H traveled to by far felt the most “alive” to me, and overall, added to the mood of the rom-com. Special nod to the Hogwarts trip, in which the author’s description of the castle through the eyes of two adults was very pragmatic, relatable, and actually made me nostalgic for my very own childhood.

DRACO CHARACTERIZATION: Yes, out-of-character to canon Draco, very much so. However, since everyone’s preferences and tolerances of Draco characterization vastly differ, I won’t interject with my opinion as not to sway others. Here are general observations: In times of levity, Draco is debonair, clever, casual, vain, flippant, and a bit of a scoundrel. In times of gravity, he becomes highly competent, protective, and reliable. Because this is a light-hearted rom-com, we don’t get to see any of the angsty “tortured soul in love; we can’t be together because I’m me and you’re you” characterization that we see in so many fics. Take with that what you will.

HERMIONE CHARACTERIZATION: Not quite in-character, not quite out. There’s truly nothing wrong with her at all. She is, however, rather one-dimensional throughout the whole story—she’s there mainly as Draco’s love interest. I’m personally okay with this, because this fic was obviously written with Draco’s POV transformation so the reader can experience his transformation from a suave bachelor in the prime of his life to being whipped for a dazzling woman far beyond his league. Personality-wise, Hermione is brilliant, clever, pure, innocent, diligent— bit of a Mary Sue, and nothing quite fresh or new. However, it’s worth mentioning that her character is enhanced by her many accomplishments, accolades, and goals, and I loved that about her. This alone is why many readers consider her to be a BAMF.

SIDE CHARACTERS: Loved them. They definitely were not part of an ensemble cast (mainly there for comedy and to make Draco very uncomfortable), but they were lovely, nevertheless. My absolute favorite was Theo. Honorable mention to Tonks. Hermione didn’t interact with them much at all, if I recall correctly, which indicates that they really weren’t critical to the overall external plot.

EXTERNAL PLOT:

For a rom-com, I thought the external plot blended quite nicely. The first half was a bit slow for me, as it was setting the foundation for Draco’s feelings, and the action didn’t really exist. But about halfway through, the plot and action really picked up, and continued on at a satisfying pace until the end. As I mentioned earlier, angst is really quite non-existent in this fic, even throughout the action scenes. It reminded me of a fun, summer blockbuster MCU movie (in which despite the highly competent superhero action, there is still levity). I didn’t feel like I was sitting on the edge of my seat with bated breath. Nevertheless, there was a lovely external plot that kept my interest because there were *real stakes to the wizarding world.*

ROMANCE ARC:

I don’t want to spend too much time on this because I don’t want to spoil when the sexual and emotional payoffs occur, but all I can say is: OUTSTANDING. Though really, that should come across as no surprise to anyone, given that the title of the fic literally indicates the entire romantic arc of the story. As mentioned in my earlier post of “what makes a GOAT Dramione”, a well-paced romantic payoff is highly important to me. And in BATMOBIL, this was very well done.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I put this fic down with a big, silly grin on my face, grateful to have experienced a truly euphoric and fun tale. However, it didn’t leave me with the “empty satisfaction” feel that I love in heavier fics, in which it ended perfectly but I’m desperate for more because I’m not ready to part with this world. I’d love to read one-shots or drabbles about these two idiots in this universe, although I wouldn’t want them to focus on the romantic development (as that is a closed chapter for them). But perhaps ones about future wacky shenanigans they get themselves in. And Theo. More Theo!

If you enjoyed this fic, you may also enjoy:

Love and Other Historical Accidents, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Universal Truths

#draco x hermione #dramione fanfic #dramione fanfiction #draco malfoy and the mortifying ordeal of being in love #review

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purplemonkeyemi · 7 years

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exit, or, how i spent 2 evenings

Okay. I love writing my thoughts down. I used to do it all the time in my mid-teens, but life being as it is, I didn’t even dream of keeping that up. I don’t really know entirely why I’m writing this all down, but, I have a lot of free time and maybe one day I’ll find it amusing. I do think it’s important to discipline oneself to at least get one’s thoughts in order about things. So, this was my latest, intentional, grappling with a piece of art.

So, why “Exit”? Why did I spend, what, 3 hours or so watching about 15 different performances, in about 20 different videos, of one song from U2’s 2017 Joshua Tree tour? I’m not sure. And that’s probably why I did it. In hindsight, I feel like that’s the point in the U2 concert a couple weeks ago that I could have yelled at my husband, “Just shoot heroin in my arm next time!”… but, really, I think that had started about 8 songs earlier. Whatever the reason, I have not been able to get that performance out of my mind. I was admittedly enraptured by Bono as a performer that night, but this was different. And I couldn’t get it out of my head, like a ghost, or a shadow. Or a koan that I have to solve. I needed to interpret it to exorcise myself of it.

In a burst of girlish enthusiasm the other day, I decided I was going to find all of the high quality videos from the tour of Exit that I could find and watch them until I understood that performance. By this time I had figured out enough of my personal fascination with it—it’s very theatrical and it relies on several layers of “acting.” [I guess this requires a brief diversion into my general fascination with performers who become other people, including characters of themselves, especially relating to stage names.] BEGIN DIVERSION: Obviously, Bono is a stage name, one he’s carried for nearly (or exactly as?) long as he’s been in U2, over 40 years; it’s what everyone calls him, even his wife. But Bono, stage-Bono, like stage-the Edge, stage-Adam, and stage-Larry, like all musical artists, are, really, actors putting on a stage show. Each night, the same “costumes,” same lines, same set, same characters—they have to “be” themselves. A concert is an eleborate play. Sure, there’s some ad-lib, adapting for different audiences, etc. But those guys are “concert” versions of themselves for those 3 hours. Using Bono again, I’m 100% sure that stage-Bono, as earnest and genuine as he appears up there, is not the same Bono that his wife Ali lives with. Is the Bono that appears in public the same as Bono-at-home? Who knows, but I imagine unlikely. I can’t imagine how larger-than-life people maintain any sense of identity. I’m fascinated by all four members in this regard because they got together as 14/15 year olds and were rock gods by 20. What does that do to a person? :END DIVERSION So, one element: the performer—immersed in a multi-layered act which ends in a character created to protect himself from the darkness of the song (citation--one of several interviews I read). Bono as a real, everyday, married-with-kids-human, performing “Bono” for the audience (as much as he appears in-the-moment, and, often, utterly possessed by frenzied “in the zone”-ness), who is additionally portraying a character-- the Shadow Man—who exists only for this one song on this one tour. It’s an act, on an act, (conceivably on an act. I can’t imagine how public figures with alternate names maintain their sense of self after decades..). I bring this up, because the layers of the performance affect the interpretation. Next element: political commentary in which the song is set The lead-in to Exit (as well as the time-allowed for a significant costume change, it is theater after all), is a brief excerpt of an old television show. An enigmatic charlatan comes to an old West town claiming the only way to protect oneself and one’s home is to a build a wall. Another character calls him a liar, and the charlatan says he is the only one who can save them. Sounds familiar, right? Oh yeah, the charlatan’s name is Trump. An excellent find on the part of whoever unearthed it. Next element: song lyrics. I include them below. The song is about a wise, esoteric holy man who starts with good intentions, becomes obsessed with this idea of “the hands of love” and goes crazy (I can’t remember the details. Again, from an interview.)

And on this tour, there are two additional lyrical bits inserted at the end, which I’ll just do from memory. First, I believe, is a poem excerpt, “Where you’ve come from is gone, where you are is no good, and where you’re going was never really there.” Then a purposefully used version of “Eeeny Meeny Miny Moe,” chosen explicitly for its occasional racist uses (again, according to an interview, somewhere).

Final element: the stage—regular stage front, and a catwalk. I think the only way for me to do this is to annotate the lyrics. It should also be noted that variations occurred. BEGIN DIGRESSION: Watching this performance so many times from different concerts, it was obvious what was scripted. What was also obvious from this experiment, interviews, general observations, and such, is that during performances Bono exists in a very altered state of mind, becomes subject to his otherworldly soul, and turns into a performance artist, making choices (or being led by) based on said otherworldly soul. Clearly he can see through the haze, handling technical issues and such, but, from time to time, he seems to exist purely in the moment and interprets at will. Short version: each performance was a little different because Bono is a very free, uninhibited, one-of-a-kind spirit, especially on stage. It’s part of what makes him a fascinating human. :END DIGRESSION

So, let’s start interpreting this thing. I would like to note that, like interpreting literature, this does not always assume authorial intent. I imagine that artists of all types work as much by intuition as by purpose. Whether some of the choices made for this particular piece were logical or intuitive are irrelevant. “You know he got the cure But then he went astray He used to stay awake To drive the dreams he had away. He wanted to believe In the hands of love.”

-- Shadow Man walks with a slow saunter and swagger (rather than Bono’s charismatic, confident stride) to the mic stand; there’s some hand motions here, most importantly on “hands of love,” he rubs them together in front of his chest. Shadow Man is beginning his journey. He is intrigued, a little haunted, but earnest. He stands still at the mic stand. Sometimes, instead of sharply grabbing the mic, he pulls it, like an arrow, into his chest, in some sort of symbolic gesture. Then begins his descent. BEGIN DIGRESSION: I am/was really fascinated with how Bono interacted/interacts with his mic stand. It’s extremely physical, intimate, and borders on sexually aggressive (imagine Mad Men’s Don Draper and how he speaks to women). He stands very close, sings with his mouth basically on the mic, and takes the wireless mic with excessive force. This observation is one of performance and physical use of space. A similar energy also emerged with him and the camera.

I often try to figure out if stage/screen presence and charisma are tied to body language (conscious or unconscious); in Bono’s case, absolutely. His physical presence was inextricable from his bearing, demeanor, and his use of space/physicality. I think some of it is the learned artifice of a seasoned performer, while some of it, perhaps some of the mic dynamic, is natural and intangible charisma. I bring this up partly because Shadow Man does not have the same physical presence Bono did in the rest of the numbers—through purposeful artifice. This is a distinct character. :END DIGRESSION “His head it felt heavy As he came across the land A dog started cryin' Like a broken-hearted man At the howling wind”

--- Shadow Man begins his descent into darkness and confusion, portrayed by movement around the mic stand (yes, somewhat reminiscent of a stripper. I’ll address the song’s occasional increased sexuality in the next verse), visually representing a vortex. Now we get away from the stationary mic…

“He went deeper into black Deeper into white. He could see the stars shine Like nails in the night.

A hand in the pocket Fingering the steel The pistol weighed heavy And his heart he could feel was beating. Oh my love, oh my love”

--- Shadow Man touches violence and approaches his breakdown in the frenzied beat and lighting; also, in about half of the performances, this also has very sexualized choreography and vocalizations (ours did not), which I don’t need to detail; now, I don’t know for sure, but I’m fairly certain this is part of Shadow Man’s characterization. It could also be just “In the moment” performance-artist Bono taking over his body. But since it happened as many times as it didn’t, I think it’s purposeful and thus requires reckoning. The Shadow Man has progressed another step away from himself. “So hands that build Can also pull down. The hands of love.”

-- Shadow Man walks across the stage to the catwalk, where, on repeated refrains of “hands of love” he clearly has some conversion experience as conveyed by the choreography (AKA, basically just Bono going crazy, as he does do from time to time), also occasionally sexualized. This is Shadow Man’s transformation from which he emerges as a demagogue, using his mystical fascination as a tool to control rather than build or heal. After this, Shadow Man saunters dramatically down the catwalk, exhorting the crowd to put out their hands (or put their hands to the screen, as if he were a politician of TV evangelist). Of course, the audience does extend their hands—because, of course, it’s the appropriate thing to do when a rockstar tells you to. Except, this isn’t Bono, this is the Shadow Man. This is where the performance layer comes in. The audience is taken for a ride, just like the Shadow Man’s dupes are. U2’s audience becomes the Shadow Man’s audience. This is blatantly analogous to how the “dupes” who support the man who wants to build a wall respond to and believe that charlatan (remember the video this number was introduced by). The “hands of love” could just as easily be the hands of power. They both can build up or tear down, as the lyrics state. Of course, this US presidential administration is tearing down, and this song (among others, of course) is a rebuke. Also, it’s important to note that Bono’s a charlatan too, as all performers are to a greater or lesser degree (performing Shadow Man, and performing himself as a rockstar, of course). One could also add that he acts as a contrast to the Shadow Man, someone who has the ear of the people who tries to build up, to use his power, and hands, well. It’s perfectly constructed meta-commentary.

Next, Shadow Man gives his impassioned, broken-voiced, “Where you’ve come from is gone, and where you are is no good, and where you’re going was never really there” speech to his (U2’s) audience (all still with their hands out, as instructed). This sounds like, to me, the emotional appeal of the political right, or used on the political right. Shadow Man sounds, again, like a televangelist…or a politician. Then he approaches the camera arm, usually right up in it (sexually aggressive again), to give a crescendoing rendition of Eeny Meeny Miny Moe—working himself and the audience into a frenzy the louder, faster, and more frantic he gets. Remember, this snippet was included for its racist uses (though the traditional lyrics are used) and that the Shadow Man is a demagogue. Now he’s learned to manipulate his followers, and he’s led them to the realm of hate. (Hmmm…) The followers again are implored to put their hands “against the screen.” In one performance (perhaps the earliest one I found?) they’re even reminded to send him ten dollars, like a huckster, televangelist, or a politician. There’s a price for being swept up by the Shadow Man. The music then abruptly ends, and, during most of the performances, this happens as the Shadow Man is starting to saunter back towards the stage, and the moment it ends, he turns arounds (or stays forward, it varies), looking malicious of victorious (or is it Bono, with a look of condemnation?). Following this, Shadow Man strips of his jacket (if after one of the sexualized performances, this is still “in character” and it’s done sexually, like a striptease). Then he’s Bono again, who takes off the hat and moves into the next song as himself. Did I mention that the jacket covers a beautiful black vest embroidered (in black) of part of the US Constitution? Analyze that one. The narrative arc and political metaphor is clear and beautifully portrayed as a theatrical performance art piece, scripted yet also subject to the whims of (or forces acting upon) the artist.

It’s weird, and gorgeous, and bizarre. It’s far too layered to absorb in the moment. And I really enjoyed watching it, in various permutations, over a dozen times. When I could afford it, I remember seeing local community plays and musical repeatedly so I could see the subtle differences between performances. This was just like that. In this one Bono had to switch out his mic and remove/replace his earpieces right before the frenzied climax, interrupting the flow and breaking character, or in that one a verse was spoken more than sung, or in this one this choreography was a little different, etc. etc. Theater is alive and this piece of it caught me and would not let me go. Maybe now it will.

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babypunter3000 · 7 years

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The only good things about Netflix’s Death Note Movie

1. Willem DaFoe Green Goblining it up as Ryuk. 2. L for the first half before Watari got Death Noted. 3. The rockin’ soundtrack. 4. The time that-Okay, you know what? No, I can’t even leave just one fully positive post about this you know how much goddamn BULLSHIT it was that Mia/Misa and L were adapted as waaaay more in the wrong than Light was? In the manga and anime, Light was CLEARLY the main bad guy, careening himself farther away from “well-intentioned” and “maybe he has a point” and into “irredeemable soulless fascist dictator” with every chapter and episode. Hell, in the FIRST BOOK AND EPISODE, he clearly states that he will be “the God of this new world,” and his general “I don’t give a general fuck about other people” attitude could already start to be seen. In this adaptation, Light’s all just love and an old soul wise beyond his years who wants to HELP the world out of the goodness of his heart and sense of justice. And at first, it’s not to bad, you think to yourself, “hey, this could be alright. A narrative about how absolute power corrupts absolutely with a kid who only wants to kill the really bad guys, and even then is super freaked out about it. sure, whatever” But no. NO. It NEVER turns that way! Light ALWAYS only kills for “the greater good” and is constantly portrayed throughout this movie as this well-meaning kid who’s just in so much over his head you gu-uys!

Meanwhile, Misa has been taken from her canon form as a devout Kira worshiper who was used and abused by Light to his own ends without a shred of emotion for her and has been turned into the love of Light’s life and THE REAL VILLAIN OF THE STORY! You see, Light didn’t really want to kill all those people and usher in a new era of Kira rule! It was all MIA’S influence and hen-pecking that drove Light to kill all willy-nilly! I mean, there’s this scene in the movie where Mia is showing Light a pro-Kira website where people are suggesting new people for Kira to kill, and Light brings up a point where some of the criminals could just be regular innocent people that have a beef with the poster. Mia basically tells him “Who cares? Any kind of petty crime or personal slight is good enough of a reason to kill for me! Let’s make out!” and they both go on their merry ways writing in the book. Like, fuck the writers for tossing out Light’s original characterization and motives to turn it all into a sexist, lazy, “It was all the EVIL WOMAN’S fault for tempting that poor boy!” narrative. And then Mia is killed off by Light on screen right after they have a fight where she is portrayed in the most clingy, shrewish way possible. She even says that she only killed all those people to get closer to Light. She had no justice-dog in this fight like the original Misa had. She was just in it so that Light would date her, and she somehow turned out to be the most murder-happy one after Light introduced her to the whole thing. And I’m sure that the neanderthal who wrote this drivel is patting himself on the back for writing such a great fucking script. And you’re supposed to feel bad because of course she dies by falling into a giant flower display and of course she has to be pretty when she dies. Fuck you. And while we’re on the subject of this movie going out of it’s way to justify and excuse A MASS MURDERER, let’s talk about how the movie treats L. For the first few minutes of his screen time, I honestly thought they did a good job. True, all he was doing was copying L’s mannerisms from the show and being deductive, but it was nice to see something from the books being portrayed accurately in this tire fire of a movie. But you know how everyone loved the original manga and anime for Light and L’s high stakes game of cat and mouse and how they would constantly one-up the other using their wits and intelligence and plenty of insanely thought out plans? Yeah, that’s also tossed right out the goddamn window in this one. Instead, we get an hour of L and Light basically shouting “Come at me, bro!” and emotionally lashing out at one another until one of them finally does something stupid enough to lose. It’s a race to the goddamn bottom, like the mental version of watching a drunken fistfight in a back alley. There’s no finesse, there’s no skill, just watching two guys shouting, “I KNOW YOU’RE KIRA!” and, “YEAH, WELL, FUCK YOU, KIRA’S THE GOOD GUY AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW ANYWAY?!” at each other for an hour. And L gets such a raw deal in this movie. I think he technically lives at the stupid non-ending (you don’t see Light die in the film, btw. You see Mia die, of course, because she’s an EVIL WOMAN!1! who DESERVED IT!!1, but of course not fucking Light), but even then he has even less dignity than in the manga and anime where he dies halfway through. L, in the manga, anime, and this trainwreck of a film, is the eccentric big-time elusive detective who picks up the task of finding out the identity of Kira to stop him. The only difference is that the manga and anime didn’t go out of their way to fucking destroy him. And I’m not just talking about the plot point in this failure of a motion picture that has Light easily put Watari’s name in the Death Note (yes, Watari is his real name in this and they just parade his name and face around without a worry in the world, I mean, what did you expect to happen?) that puts L into a tailspin. I’m talking about how the narrative treats L, the guy who’s trying to stop A MASS MURDERER from killing, as another bad guy, clearly in the wrong, because Light’s just trying to make the world a better place, yannow? First, he falls apart because Watari is missing and is in the hands of Kira, which okay, I don’t blame him, but he never gets past that. For the rest of the movie, he’s on the verge of tears, he can’t think straight, he’s blinded by emotion. He only manages to figure out a key point at the very end, and this was after Light openly confesses to what it is. Secondly, L is never able to officially out Kira. In light of this, his higher-ups unceremoniously fire him, leaving him an even bigger wreck. This happens around the exact same time Light is explaining to his dad what his master plan in the climax was, which is the only kind of smart thing that ever happens in this movie and is almost reminiscent of it’s source material. Point being, the narrative wants you to believe that Light is competent, L is incompetent. But you know what scene was the ultimate “fuck you” to L’s character as well as containing a horrible implication and clearly demonstrating a crucial flaw in the movie? Near the end of the movie, L has a gun pointed to Light’s head in a back alley. He’s desperate, and Light is shouting about the page of the death note stuck in Mia’s textbook that’s the key to saving Watari (because he’s such a GOOD GUY, you guys!) Since L has no goddamn idea what Light is talking about, and just knows that he’s the guy who killed 400 people and possibly his only friend, he ignores him, and turns to a man who just walked out of his shop, begging him to help and shouts, “He’s Kira!” The man stops and gets clarification that yes, Light is Kira, and then proceeds to knock L unconscious with a wooden plank to the head because he’s a fan of Kira as Light runs off to safety. Did I mention yet that L is black in this movie while Light is white? A black detective who’s implied to be the best of the best and is completely in the right is struck down because the bystander was a fan of the white mass murderer he was trying to stop. It doesn’t matter that “Oh, but Kira was only killing bad guys!” because fuck you, the movie itself established that Light and Mia were killing people on a whim and not bothering to check sources for libel. I will repeat, THE MOVIE POINT BLANK HAD A BLACK PROFESSIONAL STRUCK DOWN TO PROTECT THE WHITE MASS MURDERER THAT THE NARRATIVE TRIES TO PLAY OFF AS INNOCENT. Seriously, this whole movie exists around the premise that a greasy white boy who murders people needs to be cared about and protected from a woman and a black man who somehow convince him to commit more murder against his will because boobies or want him to stop committing murder at all costs. Ryuk, the death god that patiently walks Light through how to kill someone, doesn’t even get as many “DANGER! THREAT TO LIGHT’S SAFETY!” vibes as Mia and L do. The narrative is like, “Yeah, he’s a death god, what do you expect? BUT THIS WOMAN AND BLACK GUY ARE GONNA BE THE DEATH OF THAT POOR NAIVE BOY!” This kind of shit belongs in a trump rally, not in my movie based on a story where the main, privileged, young man was portrayed as an honest to God mass-murdering dictator who yes, must be fucking stopped. And you wanna know the dumbest thing about this movie? There are no stakes. None. The narrative wants you to care about the lives of a couple of murderers because they make a cute couple and are a pair of “good kids” who have glitter on their tongues (yeah) and are white (or at least, that’s what I’m guessing, since the only black character in the movie is treated as a hindrance and a joke even though he was in the right the entire time). Everyone in the movie’s world that isn’t a cop LOVES Kira. The movie is forever showing you pictures of people at Kira shrines, or holding, “I Love You, Kira!” or spraypaint on the walls that says “Kira Lives!” We never see the dystopian hellscape that ultimately was Kira’s world, where everyone was scared fucking shitless because Light was killing anyone who so much as looked at another guy funny. And don’t tell me that there was no crime ever in that world, there was just unreported crime. And we never see any followup to the scene where they just decide to kill people because anonymous sources online told them to. We never see any distraught partners breaking down on the news because their husband died of a heart attack for a crime he didn’t commit. We never see any innocent people die, or at least innocent people who are quickly brushed off as “cannon fodder” and are never mentioned again after they are killed (ie, the twelve FBI agents). Kira is just worshiped by EVERYONE to the point where if he just came out as Kira, nobody would be able to touch him because they’d be coming out of the woodwork to protect him (as demonstrated in the paragraph above). The only reason he DID possibly die in the end is because Light gave L the means to. If he never mentioned the Death Note, he would basically be unstoppable, because everyone in this movie is either SO DUMB or SO IN LOVE WITH KIRA. And while this movie is so bad it’s hilarious to watch and deserves a good MST3K-ing, it’s also so fucking infuriating with it’s fucking worship and embracing of this fucking white boy mass murderer to the point where they had to make characters from the original work into worse versions of themselves to prop him up while decrying anyone who opposes him as “the real bad guys.” These writers are the kind of people who pass a gang of white kids vandalizing a car to call the cops on a black kid sleeping in one. These writers are the kind of people who would say, “Well, of course she got raped, she constantly teased boys with her short skirts!” The writers are the kind of writers who would describe a white male shooter as, “teen genius suddenly snaps! Unfortunate incident for former varsity football player. His friends talk about what a great guy he was on page six.” Seriously, the next time someone scoffs at you for suggesting that white male privilege exists, show them this goddamn movie a bunch of grown ass adults made and went, “Yep, this’ll do!”

#death note #death note 2017 #netflix #netflix death note #death #murder #racism #sexism #I thought this script died in 2007 #rape

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fivewrites · 7 years

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5557 Reviews Your Fanfic #2: In Space, No One Can Hear You Have a Breakdown by paladont

Hello, friends, I am 5557 on Ao3 and I review your fanfiction if you want me to.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Have a Breakdown by paladont

@cranberrycurator

Rating: T

Warnings: None

Tags: Anxiety Attacks, fluff

Summary: Lance wakes up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, and ends up connecting with the last person he ever expected.

Optional info:

Is English your first language? Yes

How long have you been writing for? 10 years

Are you 18+? Yes

Do you want publish / write professionally one day? Maybe

Technical Style / Formatting: Paragraphs are of good size and consistent double-spacing. Easy to look at. Italics are used sparingly but effectively to indicate thoughts. Single quotes are used for thoughts as well as italics. This is not necessary, as italics or single quotes alone are fine, but it’s also not bad. Just a stylistic choice.

There is a tense error in the very first paragraph. It switches from present tense in the first sentence, to past tense in the second. It’s very important to be consistent and clean in the first few paragraphs so that readers won’t be confused about the present moment, and will also want to keep reading. Readers are fickle and can abandon a fic that has too many errors in search of a more polished one!

Throughout the story there are some errors that a spell check won’t pick up, so I recommend doing a final pass over your fic, or getting a beta reader to go over it. Again, these aren’t huge, breaking errors, but for a clean, polished fic, things like “Each second he spends going from the bed to the door, he desperately trying to rationalize trying to” can be fixed easily.

“Oh, heyyy.”

Another personal opinion, I don’t think stretching a word out onomatopoeically is necessary. I prefer to see the dialogue accented with action. ‘“Oh, hey,” he says through a clenched grin.’ Again, not wrong, just personal style.

“Keith is blindsided by the thanks, looking surprised. “Yeah, sure.” He bites his lip, looking for something good to say.”

I think this is more of an error than a choice, but this sentence sounds like we’re flipping to Keith POV suddenly, rather than all Lance as we’ve had so far. It just needs editing.

Pace: The prose pace is fast and solid. Although I ask for more detail about Lance’s nightmares, I’m never hugely lost about where Lance is or what time it is.

I appreciate how we don’t linger too long on one moment, and the story moves past an idea that has fully completed.

However, the plot pace has some issues which I cover in the flow and story section.

Dialogue: Excellent dialogue. It sounds natural and smooth. It’s really a strong suit of you writing. I don’t have too much to say here because it’s really, really good. Try experimenting with punctuation to get breaths and pauses in. Use semicolons, dashes and commas and see which ones are needed where. It can change the flow and read naturally. But really, it’s good. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Characterization: Aside from the tense issues, the imagery is quite good, and it reveals Lance as nervous and out of sorts. I like that motion and sensory images are used to give us his state, rather than just telling us a summary of how he feels.

Lance’s reflection on his family is a little simplified, but it’s not out of character. It’s just, as I said, not especially new when it comes to fic. Every langst fic has Lance reflecting on his family, so it can become repetitive if it’s all the same. However, what’s written here is good, and it makes sense character-wise for Lance.

I really like how Keith is portrayed as neutral. He’s not an asshole, just someone who’s a little guarded.

Although I feel like Lance’s breakdown is well-written, and transitions naturally from hiding, to spilling, then to shame, I think I’d want a bit more detail about why Lance feels so much shame being emotionally vulnerable in front of Keith. Right now he’s really embarrassed and ashamed, but Lance was shown to be vulnerable in front of both Hunk and Coran. So why specifically Keith that bothers him?

‘"I mean, you know...if you're not one hundred percent...you could stay in my room. In case you need someone to talk to. Or you just like someone just. Being there." It sounds really stupid once he suggests it. Lance mentally slaps himself.’

This part seems like the smallest bit of a stretch. I get that this is a brain fart on Lance’s part, but as said above, he is really ashamed of being seen as vulnerable by Keith, and then he does a very quick 180 and invites Keith to his room? Is Lance aware of his feeling for Keith and the reader doesn’t know? It’s just… a very fast development.

“It feels weird having Keith in his bedroom. Has Lance ever invited him in before? He doubts it. It felt like an oddly intimate gesture, especially given their sometimes tedious relationship.”

At least the fic is kinda self-aware that this is odd?

Nothing feel necessarily out of character, it just feels like a few chunks of time are missing that would fill the reader in a bit better as to what goes on. I believe that lance would eventually invite Keith to his room, just not, like, immediately.

Flow / Prose Style: The first few sentences give very nice vivid imagery and action. I can really sense the shock and discomfort Lance is feeling right from the get-go. However, as we progress, some of the longer sentences become overly complex and confusing. They use a lot of filler and modifier words and become unclear in their imagery.

‘Lance’s mind supplies a dozen different things that he could have been dreaming about instead, not even remotely elevating any of his sudden worries.’

The first part is vague on several levels, one being the “different things” (what things?) and two that he may or may not be thinking about them (why mention this if he is not thinking about them?) The last section, I’m not sure what you’re trying to get across. “Not even remotely” goes into more vague territory and “elevating his sudden worries” (again, what worries?) leaves me wondering what this whole sentence is trying to tell me. The next sentence switches tense again, so as a reader I am left wondering what is happening in the present, and what is going on with Lance.

On the upside, your short, snappy paragraphs are effective at creating tension, and holding interest. This writing doesn’t need to be the long, drawn out paragraphs of Jane Austen or Herman Melville. It’s more quick and dense, like Hemingway or Chuck Palahniuk

I am also a big fan of an effectively placed one-sentence paragraph.

My biggest piece of advice, and one that I struggle to follow myself, is once you have finished a full chapter, leave it for 24 hours, and then go back and re-read it as an editor. You will catch your own mistakes, and you will find areas of chunky prose that can easily be fixed by moving the sentence structure around a bit. If you practice switching between creative writing and editing, your writing will improve very quickly.

When we get to the interaction with Keith, there’s a lot more filler-modifier words, “almost, somehow, tries to, as if that were” re-read these and see if they are necessary.

Story: Right off the top, the summary tells me that this is a story that’s been done before. Which, is not necessarily a bad thing, but now because a question of, how can we separate this story from others like it, and make it unique?

When we get to the point where Lance is searching his brain for a person to talk to, I really want to know in more detail what exactly is bothering him. If he has a specific nightmare, it would help him choose which person to seek out, even if the person he eventually ends up around is Keith. Say, if Lance has a nightmare about the ship falling apart, he could seek out Coran or Hunk for reassurance.

So we go into the section where Lance reminisces about his family and home life, and get a feel for how he’s homesick. The difficult thing with going into deep memories for more than a couple paragraphs is that the reader might get lost and forget where we are right now. I think we’re in the hallway? It’s good to yank us back to the present every so often to re-establish and anchor where we actually are.

“His body is so worn from stress and hurt, he can feel himself giving in.”

Was Lance fighting a major battle recently? This is the first we’ve really heard of it. More detail would give us more connection.

“Lance much prefers imagining this goofy scenario in his head, as opposed to all the awful things he was thinking about just minutes ago.”

I really want to know the awful things.

The story starts off well, but when Lance considers who to talk to about his nightmares, the plot / characterization fall into what I call the “Klance Funnel” That is, stretches are made here and there to force Keith and Lance together when normally they wouldn’t want to or need to interact.

The klance funnel isn’t entirely unbelievable, and it certainly lets the reader know where the story is headed, but that can also be where a story sags a bit. There isn’t much mystery or coincidence in their meeting. It’s not… organic. When we finally do have the characters meet, it feels more like the hand of God has shoved them together like barbie dolls rather than a situation where two real people come together incidentally.

This is my personal opinion. Some people really like stories that are “set up” and you know what’s going to happen and how it all plays out. I, personally, like a bit of will-they-won’t-they rather than a “yeah, they definitely will, and here it is”.

Another thing about the klance funnel is that is has the effect of reducing the other characters to one-notes, or even writes them out completely. I liked that Pidge was Lance’s first choice, but we never really got to meet her or have her interact.

Overall: The story is likable, and definitely readable. I didn’t have any huge cringe moments, nor did I feel bored or have my attention wander away. I do wish for more details of Lance’s nightmares, why he’s embarrassed to be vulnerable in front of keith and then… maybe some development before they start sleeping together right away to reduce the big leap?

Other than that, it’s a nice, easy read and something a Klance fan would enjoy.

#vld #voltron #Voltron legendary defender #writing help #fanfic reviews #voltron reviews #my reviews

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