#so they dont notice me anymore
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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#red vs blue#rvb#locus#felix#sam ortez#isaac gates#felix mcscouty#lolix#mine#*24#art#rvb19 spoilers#just to be safe ig?#i love how even no one in the mercs discord rly knows what the hell was up with the random felix 'cameo' in restoration lol. we're all just#'idk man. maybe it's charon maybe sigma just used him as a base. who knows.'#its kinda hard to even make it into a merc plot point bc the reason WHY he's even there is non-existent. if epsilon didn't namedrop him#i wouldn't even have noticed tbh. like yeah his armor has felix's colors but that also could've just been sigma/omega mix too y'know#ofc tucker's relationship w/ felix can't be discounted reg. meta and epsilon and betrayal of trust etc. idk maybe i'll expand on this later#like maybe felix is in there bc tucker felt very betrayed by epsilon and felix to tucker is the embodiment of betrayal so meta = felix?#BUT i do like ghost felix haunting shit. even if it's not actually him but like a narrative/traumatic thing#he said you'll never get rid of me what i did to you will always linger <3#i do have some thoughts abt... Everything and the concept of haunting. wash's 'ghosts' and the guilt. meta wanting to destroy epsilon/the#past to be free. resentment of the past. nostalgia for it. the guilt of survival. moving on as a complete severing vs carrying it w/ you.#ok i'll stop rambling now lol#this didnt turn out exactly how i envisioned but i dont wanna work on it anymore and its not bad or anything so
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It is kinda funny seeing people talk about Seungmin lately because he definitely has gotten more bold and confident for sure. He's also just getting opportunities to be perceived as an individual on his own as well for the first time in a while but it's still jarring to see people be like Aw he was always such a quiet goodie two shoes little nerd and it's like...... he was the one to leave and seek out his own vocal coach and blatantly talk about it, which of course lead to I.N and Lee Know also doing the same, he was the one to go on bubble and tell off sasaengs who used to camp outside their old dorm for invading members privacy but also because it effected other residents and staff at the complex, something that i'm certain upper management wouldnt have been happy about, and he wasn't curt or nice about it either. like he's never actually been a wallflower, he's always had a pretty strong backbone and seems to stick to his principals, its not really new.
#even silly shit like bringing up drinking even tho staff has clearly told him not too#like yeah its silly but its still sticking to his guns of being like we arent actually children anymore thanks#the food thing too like in an old 2 kids room he said something about not being able to eat on his bday bc they were filming so evidently#there was a moment in time when he caved to the shitty diet obsession kpop had but ever since hes never really said anything like it again#instead hes telling everyone to eat well and reminding people to have dinner or lunch every other day#even the comment about growing his hair out but then being like lol the stylist probably wont like me saying that or whatever#and like the yeah im going to the gym but im not lifting. dont expect me to bulk up. im doing it for stamina<< that made me cackle#bc i did see people on twt being like but what if seungmin got buff tho omg hed be so hot 🥺 Well him bein buff isnt what this is about#so he went and made sure people were realistic. not everyone needs to be noticeably cut yk#idk maybe bc i watched most all the skz content all the way through#and now i go back and gif stuff i notice patterns more easily than if youve been here for longer and havent watched older stuff#for a while- maybe? idk its just funny but i also see takes a lot and have to stop myself from going No <3#anyway this is my obligatory insane ksm tangent of the week. see you in 5 minutes.#🐶
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thinks about the master & the doctor cuddling thinks about them cuddling thinks about them cuddling thinks about them cuddlign thinks-
#its a vrry specific flavor of cuddling its like.#its exhausted. first of all. and its lonely.#its the kind of cuddling that starts because one of you literally flopped on top of the other and wouldnt move#and then started squirming to become an even bigger hiderance than they already were if they were being ignored#its a puppy pile of two. they are in the weirdest most uncomfortable looking positions imaginable#you look at them and you think ‘this is how glass sculptures would cuddle if glass sculptures had feelings and were touch-starved’#its a cuddle that might end with one of them putting the other in a full body lock for whatever reason. either to keep them from running#or because they had a nightmare. they do have nightmares you know. and they aren’t fun to sleep next to. the best comfort is a good defense#its the kind of cuddling where one of them is awake for too long. breathing slowly so they dont disturb their partner and staring.#memorizing. taking note of every difference since last time.#its the kind of cuddling where even if you walked in on them at a point where while they were asleep theyd scooted apart and weren’t#touching anymore. you’d still notice that they’re practically mirror images. curled up the same way and facing each other. until one of them#kicks in their sleep and disturbs the illusion. but still.#you get me?#and also theres biting.
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Breakfast club kotlc au would be fire tho
#keefes the bad kid with a worse family and behavioral issues (john)#sophies the weird quiet girl who doesnt have any friends (allison)#bianas the popular girl whos not as shallow as she seems (claire)#fitz is the popular guy pressured to be better (andrew)#and dex is the smart guy who isnt noticed by anyone known (brian)#i would personally change the ships a little bcz ive never liked keefiana and i dont ship sophitz anymore#but yk its the general vibes of the characters#it would be so interesting to me#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#keefe sencen#sophie foster#biana vacker#fitz vacker#dex dizznee
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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ʚ🕯ɞ
#the night are starting to get colder now...#and it always makes me feel so so so lonely#bc it is so cold and my body is so empty and hollow it goes down into my bone marrow#i just dont wanna be alone anymore#i want to hold someones hand i wanna hug someone i want to cuddle under a blanket at night time as the cold comes in thru the window#i dont wanna be this lonely.....#and it scares me so much.. will i always be this lonely??#i sat by the lake today and watched the moon and the waves... the blue sky...#i thought... that nobody is waiting for me. nobody is expecting me. nobody out there... is waiting for me#i could disappear and who would... who would notice my absence right now?#the loneliness suffocated me and felt like a fist closening on my heart. squeezing it#as i sat there i thought i could slit my wirst with that sharp rock and then walk into the lake#until i got submerged and water filled my lungs and i could die there. let the water fill my lungs and drown me#could die in that lake. and who would know? nobodys waiting for me. nobodys expecting me.....#but i dont want that. thats why i keep going every day despite how much it hurts#i just wanna love and be loved. i dont care for anything else.#i dont care for material things. not for profession or education nor money nor status nor a large social circle#i dont care i just dont care. all i want is to sit side by side with someone. watch the lake. hold hands.#spend eternity like that. with someone i love. i dont need anything more#and i watch everyone around me.. how come everyone else can find someone but not me?#everyone ive had just a crush on is in a relationship. some of them even live with eo.#everyone else can find someone else. can find someone. but not me? why do i have to be alone?#i do have to say that my love being focused on someone who is closed to receiving it hurts so much more#than simply longing for a love when it has no face and no name. but i cant do anything abt that. either way still hurts..
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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Blondie walking into the room to see cupid lounging completely naked on her bed scrolling through hextagram:
Cupid noticing her and moving to wave, her boobs now fully on display: blondie! You’re back early :D whats with that look?
Blondie:
Blondie: dexter would have never survived dating you.
Cupid: what
#ever after high#blondie lockes#c.a cupid#dexter absolutely dodged a bullet he would have been a wreck#‘cmon dex! i want another round ;) ‘#dexter crying ‘i cant- i physically cant go anymore- its been TWO HOURS cupid i cant go again 😭’#‘thats fine!’ dexter has hope at cupids words ‘really? youre fine with it’#cupid nods excitedly ‘yeah! its totally fine! we can just switch positions so im fucking you instead! so you dont have to get it up :D’#‘wait what- what do you mean- oh. oh thats a dick.’#dexter frowns as he notices something ‘why does everyone including my gf have a bigger dick than me?’#dexter could not handle any of cupids constant nakedness or lust#meanwhile blondie is a total freak who is honestly a lil disappointed if cupid isnt naked and ready to go the moment she comes home#lets put it this way:#if dexter walked in tge bedroom to see cupid with even just basic bondage- he would be out of there.#if blondie walked in the room to see cupid as a literal bear with a dick- she would be undressing already.#im sorry i slipped in a bear cupid sex joke#silvers posts just reminded me of it so i have it on the mind 😭#DAMN YOU BEAR CUPID
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i hope you can come to believe that you can be happy in this life
#★#in any shape that comes in#whether it be in the small and mundane things or the grand and once-in-a-lifetime things#this isnt directed to anyone specific#last reblog just got me thinking about how the world around us may not and may never want us to be happy#but i do#and i want you to believe that it's possible for you#tw suicidal ideation mention#tw self harm mention#having once wished i could go deep enough to bleed out on my bathroom floor#i couldnt fathom a future where i was happy let alone a future at all#but its possible. things change. you change.#and then suddenly you dont hate the summer so much anymore#and you love the wintwr chill of seattle wind freezing your lips#and you notice the birds are singing louder#and berries taste sweeter in their seasons#life has its seasons#this one will not be forever#oop rambled in the tags forgive me </3
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for the love of god someone convince me from texting my ex, i daydreamed too closr to the sun and now i want attention😭
#its not a door i should open#but idk if im crazy and i need to drop my suspicions and try again or if im really going to be right some day#and we get involved again then that person comes along and its a messy awful breakup and i just cant do that to them#but fuck i wish i could be with them#i would love them but the problem is (aside from their drinking) it would be so easy to fall in love with them#but they want long term and aside from me knowing im leaving the province soon i dont think wish how i am now id be okay with pretending#its not fair#i want to see them again#im jealous of attention they probably get and that theyve probably given#and i really hate how i was made and that i cant just go with the flow#but again drinking and dark eyes aside theyre practically perfect#i miss them so much sometimes that im actually posting more on instagram in the hopes theyll notice me again#i wonder if they think about me or if theyre too busy getting laid#cause theyre in a band so duh obviously theyre getting laid#I FUCKING HATE MY INABILITY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE#ITS NOT FAIR#I HATE MY SUPERSTITIONS SO DAMN MUCH I WANT TO LET THEM GO AND BE HAPPY BUT I CANT#I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH WITH PRETTY BLUE EYES AND BIG HANDS#fuck nate was so close to perfect and i love that theyre so interesting and fuck i think id just give in if they had blue eyes#i could ignore the other problems and feel better about trying to be with them#mostly i just want them to kiss me and hug me again#they were so gentle about it and it felt so safe and i wanna cry cause i know its not fair to contact them#but fuck i wish i could#i dont want to be alone anymore and they made me laugh#i dont know what to do but i wish it was easier to at least meet people if not date them#i just want to feel something for someone new so i can feel like im over them#but sadly they work at ikea and its not even the closest one to me but i have to go there for a new mattress topper and jars#and i keep imagining running into them AND ITS FUCKING ME UP i want to talk to them but i cant do that
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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i dont know how to say this but if you aren't ready to get your work beta read, don't get beta readers p.p
#it isnt about anyone here but boy#i started editing/beta reading years and years ago for money and most authors dealt well with my feedback#i mean im getting paid for giving feedback so#but some were just. Not ready#nowadays i dont do it for money anymore just for fun & for stories that interest me#and sometimes the author just. isnt ready. and i get it bc putting your work out there is fightening#but im NEVER rude/hostile#and it gets weird when you notice the author and/or their friends (yeah really) apparently arent happy with your feedback#at this point i dont know if i should be honest anymore and would rather just quit#whew#it sucks ass to be wary of making a comment on something even tho you are always careful with your words bc maybe the author wont react wel#im here to read and give feedback not walk around eggshells#ANYWAY#i will try to write today#wish me luck#ren.txt
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So I went to the doctor last week and got told I have diabetes, then spent a week in hospital to try get my blood sugar levels back to normal, only to get out of hospital and have my bloodsugar immediately go crazy again... like what do you mean I'm doing the maths just like they told me, taking the insulin in the doses I talked about with my doctor, only to end up super low or super high after eating??? It was all working fine before they let me out but as soon as I do more than laying in bed all day it isn't fine anymore??? Also having to prick my finger all the time to measure and also being super anxious when not measuring cause what if the levels go wheee again in those 3 hours im not measuring??? I know it will all be fine and that I will learn to live with it but I just can't wait until I get my sensor and being able to check my levels all the time to see when and why they go crazy so I can fix my insulin doses accordingly... thankfully my sensor is already approved and I got the message it will arrive on Friday before Easter because this situation of being fine before eating and then being too low or too high a few hours later without warning is making me so nervous and scared. Going to the doctor because I lost a bunch of kilos and was always thirsty just to get told I have developed an autoimmune disease and was close to fainting into a coma is wild. I wasn't expecting that at all and it feels like my life got turned upside down and while I am glad that it is "just" diabetes (cause I am aware it could have been something much worse) and I am accepting it and working on that, the fact it doesn't go like I'm calculating the second I left the hospital makes me so nervous about it all, feeling like I'm doing everything wrong the second im on my own
#personal rant#sorry just had to get this off of me#no one else in my family has diabetes type 1 so im just kinda lost right now#im also paranoid and anxious about doing something wrong so im measuring all the time#the sensor will have alarms for the dangerous zones so hopefully I'll be able to chill#when i know that ill be warned before entering a too low level#cause last time i only noticed cause i started shivering and coudnt keep my hands still anymore#even tho i calculated my insulin just like they told me in hospital#and that method of calculating was giving great results there but as soon as im home its not anymore#at least i dont feel like crying anymore#im just a nervous wreck all the time
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the average wlw experience is never knowing if shit is platonic or not
#i am still screaming abt this. like i am on my period. i have to kick and complain abt things#like damn i really thought this woman was interested in me FUCKING DUMB FUCKING DUMB SJFUIFFKFJFKRKFJRIF#i am repeating she likeS A BOY IM NOT A BOY bc it's a bop. but also bc it lets all the shit out#frustrating shit#i guess i am into emotionally unavailable women#i'm prob deleting this one it's just too much lol#like i am so stupid i give up on reading people like. i cant read anyone for shit.#i def dont know how attraction works anymore like. absolutely forgotten#I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF SO ANGRY AT MYSELF IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED#god writing a fic tomorrow is gonna be so cathartic pls#boludeces y reclamos mios(?
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sorry i keep just making normal talking posts and whatever else
ive lost motivation for committing to art bc of the ai stuff and just generally my mental health and physical health is just fucked.
i wanna draw but i just cant anymore. posting it feels like a chore now and will be met with thieves more than ive ever experienced and i just dont wanna do it anymore
#also i noticed some old stuff i had posted With asks years ago are completely gone so thats uuh. interesting.#i saw that cara thing going around but idk if i feel safe anymore posting my art anywhere. i just wanna delete everything.#i know i wont but i really am tired. my spirit is being killed. like yeah! dont let it kill u nothing can ever replicate what real art is a#support human artists and whatnot etc#but my spirit for art has been killed along with other parts of me too.
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