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sparklyjojos · 4 years

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CARNIVAL recaps [9/13]

Today’s recap: Nessie the killer, a Dot on the run, and a game of truth and lies.

SEVENTEEN

12 Oct 1996 — 18 Oct 1996

LOCH NESS

The Trans-Siberian Express crashes into Baikal, but the vast majority of the passengers survives thanks to quick rescue only possible due to Hanto Maimu’s prediction. Drexel Uryakov is declared dead.

A week later Maimu predicts that the next case will happen at Loch Ness. The lake is known for its alleged cryptid Nessie, one of the world’s most famous UMAs (Unidentified Mysterious Animals).

[Swap to first person narration.]

It’s a mystery what kills all the people who have gathered at Loch Ness that day, but the footage found by the police in a victim’s video camera shows an astounding scene. From the surface of Loch Ness rises a head resembling that of a giant turtle, nearly twenty meters in length. It takes a look at the gathered people and swipes at them like a deadly whip, crushing them against the walls of Urquhart Castle until no one is left.

After the attack, the three of us leave the Billion Killer skull at the scene and go back to the Morgue, the area of the Sanctuary where we Dots live. I go back to my dark empty room and use the automatic belt conveyor system that runs in the walls to get a drink. Then I watch as the experts on TV try to explain the Loch Ness case. It seems one of the victims survived for long enough to confirm that it really was Nessie who attacked them.

It’s strange that someone survived. Had His Excellency RS predicted that this would happen, or had they somehow missed it?

Dots don’t know anything about who the Billion Killer is, what tricks he uses for the cases, or what his connection with RS is. We are only supposed to leave the skulls at the right places, to help RISE purge the Beasts in preparation for the era of Gods, and not ask questions… but sometimes one can’t help but wonder. Humans live to solve mysteries.

The video footage was surely meant to be found. The sole survivor could have been a planted Dog, or maybe RISE messed with his head to convince him his testimony was true… but would Billion Killer do something as simple as just using a fake witness?

The Billion Killer case was probably designed to seem unsolvable. In this sense it resembled a magic show a lot; what looked like a miracle was just careful engineering and preparation behind the scenes, and all the marvels would lose their charm if everyone could guess the methods easily. Normal people should never be able to figure them out… so the truth can’t possibly be something as simple as a fake testimony.

If we assume there was actually no Nessie at the lake, then RISE had to plant their own Dogs as the victims and kill them in cold blood… which isn’t unbelievable, but I don’t want to think about RISE treating their underlings like disposable tools, even though I’m a Dot. It’s better to believe that the Billion Killer somehow manipulated Nessie, and the ones gathered around the lake were normal people.

Dogs at least have families and friends who would grieve them. Dots don’t have anyone—because we have already “died” once. The previous “us” don’t exist anymore, and we no longer need things like personal differences, gender or age. The same undistinguishable “I”, like characters in a novel. We thought that RISE would bring us into a new age, but in the end we are just tools.

[Back to third person narration.]

The three Dots who assisted with the Loch Ness case are called to the Dragon’s Center, where Black Rook tells them they did well and are to go to the Cosmic Room to talk with RS. Seeing one of the Dots worried, he reassures them that it’s the usual procedure.

After they leave, Black watches the displays for a while, paying most attention to the secret live feed of the detective Ryuuguu Jounosuke. Then he checks the progress of brainwashing of “that Beast captured at the Cape of Good Hope”: as always the man in question is lying down with a strange helmet covering his head, all data showing that the process should be entering its last stage.

Black goes to the Cosmic Room. RS, as always dressed like a minotaur, already knows what Black is going to ask—why were the Dots left alive this time?—and tells him to go to the Dark Room of the Sanctuary if he wants to know... and if he wants to learn why RS doesn’t worry about the “Pregnant Genius” either.

RS reminds him once again that they know everything and cannot be betrayed. Even if Black is trying to secretly plan something, he can’t hide it from RS. Not that it would matter either way; RS knows that Black has only sixty-three more days to live, and changing one’s destined lifetime is impossible.

“You, Black Rook, the Master of the Sanctuary,” RS addresses him seriously, but then as if correcting themselves says, “no… Ryuuou. Don’t forget you’re carrying the greatest responsibility. Die as the person you are. Don’t worry your head with Ryuuguu Jounosuke.”

It’s been a while since RS used Black’s real name.

As Black leaves the room, he answers so quietly he can’t be heard:

“Mein Fuhrer… lord Tsukumo Jaki.”

Black goes to the Dark Room—as the name implies, it’s kept in complete darkness—and discovers headless bodies of the Dots inside.

But only two bodies. The third Dot fled. No doubt RS had already known this would happen. The reason why the Dots weren’t killed on site was so that this one could escape later.

It’s pointless to try to avoid the all-knowing gaze and prophecies of RS. Black knows that. But maybe there is a way to turn those prophecies in one’s favor.

EIGHTEEN

02 Nov 1996 — 08 Nov 1996

BOROBUDUR

A man called Elfi Geppen [or however you romanize ゲッペン] works as a driver of a cycle rikshaw that tourists hire to get to the temple Borobudur in Central Java. One day, a mysterious Japanese tourist wearing a strange black coat and hat approaches him and addresses him as some “Suzukaze Unomaru”, apparently mistaking him for a friend. Elfi has a feeling like he had heard the name Suzukaze before, but can’t place it.

Elfi isn’t good at Japanese, but fortunately the strange man calling himself Ryuuguu Jounosuke can speak fluent Indonesian. He explains that ever since he was born he’s been travelling all over the world with his parents and naturally picked up many languages. He believes that his native Japanese is the hardest to learn, and in a way could be regarded as one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Ryuuguu works as some kind of a detective (and certainly he has a way of looking right through Elfi that makes him feel uneasy.) Ryuuguu says that the way Elfi speaks in broken Japanese is odd, almost like he’s only pretending not to know it.

[Second person narration.]

You offer Elfi a bet. If he wins, you’ll pay him additional money for driving you to Borobudur and showing you around the place. You say you don’t actually need a guide, but want to blend in with the tourists, so that nobody will notice you searching for someone—for a man without a name.

The rules are as follows: during the conversation, each party will answer the other’s questions with only lies, but may mix in some true statements here and there. If one person correctly guesses the other is telling the truth, he wins. If the guess is wrong, he loses. They have time until noon.

Elfi agrees to the terms and you start moving towards Borobudur. (Of course, your actual goal here is something else than money. You win no matter the bet’s outcome.)

“Are you Japanese?” Elfi starts.

“Hmm, however one looks at it, Ryuuguu isn’t a Japanese man. Ryuuguu is only a projection of a living person and doesn’t quite exist. Nothing more than a story character.”

“So you’re saying you live in a book? But then why is your body so real?”

“Oh, it’s borrowed. A temporary thing. Ryuuguu actually comes from an underwater palace they call Ryuuguujou. Has Geppen-shi heard about it?”

“Well, I’ve heard about the sea prince Ryuuguu Jounosuke that resides in it, which would be you.”

“Are you Javanese?”

“To tell you the truth, I’m the same kind of person as you.”

“So a story character? Could it be you come from Ryuuguujou too, Geppen-shi?”

“I’m not a person, but a character, a pawn created by an author. I do not come from Ryuuguujou, unfortunately, but I am not quite Javanese, just like you are only pretending to be a Japanese man.”

“Then where did you come from?”

“Ryuuguujou is a castle in the sea, but I came from the castle in the sky. Elfi Geppen is only a temporary name.”

“Ryuuguu has never heard about it. Wouldn’t a castle in the sky be quickly discovered?”

“That castle cannot be seen. I came from there three weeks ago.”

“And got into the rikshaw business so fast?”

“Well, just like you guessed, I’m actually pretty good at Japanese and can reliably get Japanese clients.”

“Is that really true? This question is outside the bet.”

“Is what true—that I can speak Japanese?”

“They don’t necessarily have to speak Japanese in that castle in the sky. Isn’t there some other common language?”

“Well, there’s the R language. That’s what I’m best at speaking. What language do they speak in Ryuuguujou, I wonder?”

“What a coincidence! The R language as well. ...Ryuuguu understands now where Geppen-shi is from. That castle in the sky is called the Sanctuary, isn’t it?”

“...yes, is it,” Elfi says and goes pale, but you pretend not to notice.

You arrive at Borobudur. The bet will have to continue during sightseeing. Geppen seems to be unraveling a little psychologically under all the questions.

(...you understand that. Sometimes, when playing “Ryuuguu Jounosuke”, you take a conscious look at “yourself” and see a big difference between the two, that you really work hard to bridge.)

[First person narration.]

I end up guiding Ryuuguu around. He seems to enjoy this bet and getting answers out of me… how much does he know?

“Are you really one of JDC?” I ask. “If you come from Ryuuguujou, why would you become a detective?”

“It was a lie. Ryuuguu is actually a member of RISE, the ones responsible for the Crime Olympics.”

“Was that about a nameless man also a lie?”

“It was true, but Ryuuguu isn’t searching for him out of detective duty, instead to get rid of him for the sake of RISE.”

Then Ryuuguu notices a blind man walking around the temple, so I explain that it’s Old Man Pongo. Nobody knows his true name, so in a way he is nameless. He has spent so many years living the same way every day—walking from his home village to the temple and back—that he can still do it even without sight.

Noon approaches, so it seems the bet won’t be won or lost by either of us. I say that as long as I get the normal payment it’s fine with me. Ryuuguu says that it seems awfully like I’m trying to get away from him, so I quickly add that I just have something urgent to do. Ryuuguu retorts that now it just sounds like I’m about to commit a crime. I answer that hey, it’s Ryuuguu who said he’s with RISE, and the hour’s getting close to 1 PM on a Saturday. Ryuuguu laughs, finally pays me and goes away.

But it still feels like I’m stuck in a story. That man without a name that Ryuuguu mentioned��that’s me. But how did he know that? The IDID he showed me looked real, but what if he really is with RISE? But if he was, there’s no way he would let a runaway Dot like me to just walk away.

Had it all been predicted by RS? Did the Sanctuary make a stop at Sumatra back then specifically so I could run away? Either way, I have no choice but to try realizing my plan to stop RISE.

The next Billion Killer case was so unusual it almost got overlooked: a person nicknamed Old Man Pongo fell down the stairs of Borobudur and died. A few tourists claimed that he tripped over a Billion Killer skull, which was then stolen away by a man.

Even though the tourists claim that, I know I stole that skull before the old man could even approach the stairs. The witnesses must have been planted by RISE. I thought that if there was no skull in place, the Billion Killer would lose his perfect streak, but it turned out to all have be planned. Instead of helping, I just became a suspect. If I disappear, nobody will ever know the truth.

I can’t help but wonder—why was this one case so... normal? And if there was no skull to trip on, why did the old man fall down the stairs that he climbed every day?

A month later mass media announce that the JDC detective Ryuuguu Jounosuke has died in a plane crash. For some strange reason, I feel like I lost an old friend. Maybe it’s because when they show a photo of his smiling face, I recognize that glimpse of loneliness in his eyes. Sadness behind a happy facade. Sadness of a man without a name. In a way, maybe the person Ryuuguu had been looking for the most was himself.

Then I remember where I heard that one name, “Suzukaze Unomaru”: it was the man brought inside the Sanctuary after the Cape of Good Hope case. The one who had ordered to save him was Black Rook—and with this thought, I realize that the eyes looking at me from behind the black mask were the same as Ryuuguu’s. Not just similar; the very same.

Black Rook and Ryuuguu were the same person.

Some time later, as I try to get through rioting crowds in Jakarta, the Billion Killer skull hidden in my backpack like always, I’m violently attacked and await my death on the street. Just another little death that nobody cares for in the grand scheme of things. As my consciousness fades, I recall the events in Borobudur and suddenly realize what truly happened.

What the Billion Killer actually did wasn’t pushing the old man to his death; it was extending the giant stairs by one step. The change wasn’t noticeable to most people, but a blind old man who relied on his memory would make a wrong step and fall to his death.

[>>>NEXT PART>>>]

#sparkly reads carnival #maijo and jdc stuff

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magictaverntranscripts · 6 years

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Episode 4 - The FML

[static]

Mysterious Man: The following podcast is not real. But it is really sponsored by Base Camp. When you use Base Camp to run projects, people know what to do, people know where things are, and you stay on top of everything all the time.

[static]

[theme music]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm from Chicago, which is on the planet Earth. And about four weeks ago, I fell through a magical rift behind a Burger King into Foon, which is kind of a Narnia-esque magical land. Luckily, I'm getting a slight WiFi signal through that magical rift, and I'm able to host a podcast in the Vermilion Minotaur, a tavern in the land of Foon. As always, I'm joined by my two sidekicks, why don't you guys introduce yourselves?

Usidore: I am, of course...

Arnie: [groans]

Usidore: ...Eh...no, I'm going to do as you asked...

Chunt: [chuckles]

Arnie: [muttering] Okay.

Usidore: As we spoke about before - I am of course...

Arnie: I know this is tough, you can do it.

Usidore: Y- yeah. U...Usidore...[rushing] Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysyis-

Arnie: [groans]

Usidore: -Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The Elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The Dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogastangs. I am known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar, and [whispers] there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

Arnie: I d-, I hope it does not get longer.

Chunt: You should see his business cards!

Usidore: That of course-

Chunt: Front and back! Front and back.

Usidore: [laughs] That of course is our jovial friend Chunt! Making fun of the length of my name! [laughs] Delightful.

Arnie: And Chunt, introduce yourself.

Chunt: Chunt here.

Arnie: ...[laughs] Yeah, I feel like there's a middle ground between the two of you in how much you introduce yourselves, like-

Usidore: I don't understand-

Chunt: I try and compensate for Usidore's, uhhh...length of introduction.

Arnie: Okay, so it's Usidore the Wizard, and Chunt the Talking Badger. So, um-

Chunt: Badger, I mean-

Arnie: We don't need-

Chunt: It's a given and- [snorts] You don't have to say everything's talking, it's just, I'm a badger.

Usidore: Yes...

Arnie: Do all badgers speak in Foon?

Chunt: In their own way.

Arnie: But not English.

Chunt: ...Well...some.

Arnie: We have another guest, and before we get to him though, uh, last week I mentioned that I have an email address, uh, there must be some kind of firewall issue with the Burger King that I'm getting the WiFi signal from, so I-

Chunt: Didn't Spintax dissolve the Wall of Fire?

Usidore: Uh, he may have, Spintax the Green, my great rival...

Arnie: Yeah, it's not a magical thing, it's-

Usidore: I too could create a wall of fire, if you want it. I SHALL PUT A WALL OF FIRE AROUND THIS TAVERN RIGHT NOW!!

Arnie: It's- Basically what I'm saying is, I can't get access to my regular email, so I had to set up a special email for this podcast, so if you-

Usidore: [off-mic] BUUUUURN!!! BUUUUUUUUUURN!!!

Arnie: So if you want to email me, or us, here, you can email us at [email protected]. I know it's an unusual sounding email, it doesn't sound real, but it absolutely is, so email us at [email protected]

Usidore: [whispering] Fffiiiire deepash [incomprehensible, continues under the other dialogue]

Chunt: Is that- Is that talking puppies.supplies?

Arnie: It's just puppies-

Chunt: Just puppies. Oh, Usidore's in the wizard state.

Arnie: Oh.

Usidore: [still whispering] Gdummah una burrning umabahein chai emara burn burn burn buttern buttern buurrrrnnn...

Chunt: And he's out.

Arnie: Okay. So we did get an email, uh, someone emailed us from after last week, uh, with some questions about Foon. So I'm gonna' quick-

Chunt: Oh, great.

Arnie: Read a little bit of this. This is from, uh, Matt DeMarco, he emails to ask, "Can Chunt only turn into whole other animals by sexing them, or is constantly under threat of turning himself into, say, a badger paw, by sexing himself?"

Chunt: [tsks] Uh, it does have to be, um, with another creature.

Arnie: Okay.

Chunt: Is he referencing when I masturbate?

Arnie: Yes.

Chunt: Yeah. You've- you've walked in on me masturbating.

Arnie: Yeah, I-

Chunt: And there's no...

Arnie: Nn-, yeah, it's-

Chunt: I don't turn into a hand or I don't turn into-

Arnie: No, y- not..

Chunt: When I wear- if I wear protection I don't turn into protection just because it's...

Arnie: Yeah.

Chunt: The laws of magic are pretty cut and dry.

Usidore: I-

Arnie: It's pretty-

Usidore: I think they're clear on this matter.

Arnie: Okay. All right, uh, uh, terrible question, Matt DiMarco, uh, next-

Chunt: [giggling] I think it was a good question, for sure.

Arnie: I-

Usidore: I lit four candles.

[silence]

Arnie: ...What?

Usidore: I lit four candles with my magical incantation, I did not make a whole wall of fire, but I did manage to LIGHT FOUR CANDLES!!!!

Arnie: That's true, we're a little more lit here in the Vermillion Minataur. Uh, another question, "Please tell Usidore that Manipulator of Magical Delights is better than Persuader. Manipulator sounds more powerful. Also, what's up with that wizard state? Is that something he learned in wizard school, or is it something you're born with?"

Usidore: I have stuck with Manipulator, I think you for your thoughts on this matter. It does seem to have a little more power and strength behind it, so I prefer it to Persuader of Magical Delights. The wizard state...This was a gift given to me, by those who created me. It is an innate ability, I did not learn it in a wizarding school, I was fully formed as a wizard from the day I set foot in Foon. Aye, the very birds of the sky and the fire and the wind and the water did conspire to create me out of the very elements that exist in the air and the earth.

Arnie: So you came-

Usidore: And the hearts of men.

Arnie: So you came into Foon fully formed, like just a, an adult wizard?

Usidore: Of course, I'm a wizard.

Arnie: That's how wiz-, wizards aren't born?

Usidore: Uh, yes, but perhaps not as a mewling babe as you would expect! [laughs]

Arnie: So when, when you just pop into existence, what's the first- like, do you remember your first thought? Like, "Whoa!"

Usidore: I have- Uh, w-, my first thought was, "I ha-, I have to find a staff."

Arnie: [wheezing/laughing]

Usidore: I need a staff, and I thought well, I'll find a large tree and break off a branch to start with until I can afford a better staff, and uh, and of course my second thought was, "I must defeat the Dark Lord." And I must convince one of you to join me on this great quest!

Arnie: He has- Usidore has a quest to defeat the Dark Lord, which-

Usidore: Think of the glory that could be earned by all the people here, and the safety of Foon and all the children and women and men who do live here! And all the animals and beasts of the forest, they are all in danger right now! But let's get to our guest.

Arnie: Yeah. Uh, thank you for your email, Matt DeMarco, but let's get to our guest. Uh, Your name is Larry Birdman?

Larry: Yeah, that's right, Larry Birdman.

Arnie: And, uh, who are you?

Usidore: I'm very excited about this, everyone knows-

Larry: Who am I?

Usidore: -who Larry Birdman is.

Arnie: SO everyone here knows who Larry Birdman is?

Chunt: Oh, absolutely!

Usidore: Yes, of course!

Larry: I'm the Commissioner of the FML.

Arnie: ...And what is the FML?

Usidore: [chortles]

Chunt: [laughs]

Larry: Uh...

Arnie: I'm sorry, I'm new to Foon, I don't really know much ab-

Larry: Well, when did you get here, after February 1st? After January 15th?

Usidore: [laughs]

Arnie: Uh...y..es? I mean-

Larry: Okay, well I'm- the Foon Mittens League, is the FML, Mittens is the biggest sport in Foon, everyone knows this, and I'm the Commissioner of the League. And we just had the Super Mittens Cavalcade, and then the Super Mittens Cavalcade, Part II. On February 1st was the Part II, and on January 15th was the first, and uh, it was a pretty good game! Uh, setting apart the fact that a lot of the rules, in my opinion, still don't make any sense. But a great game, and we had uh, we had a great, great turnout, I think over 74 percent of all of Foon were tuned in one way or another. Through telepathy, or through the Magic Box, or through-

Arnie: The Magic Box?

Usidore: Mm-hmm.

Larry: Attending in person, or through uh, trans-soul deliverance, or through uh, Walk N' Pop. So, between all of those we had, uh my understanding, 74 percent of Foon. We still trend heavily f- heavily male, we had about 91 percent of all the males of Foon, uh tuned in, about 90...90...no, sorry, 80, 82 percent of the females, and about 38 percent of the creatures.

Usidore: I murdered a horse and watched through the horse's blood.

Larry: Yes!

Arnie: Wow.

Larry: Yes, good, good. Well we had only, uh, only, of course, a wizard can do that, so we had about, 20, 25 horse blood murder viewers this year, and we're trying to raise that next year.

Chunt: Can I just say, Larry Birdman, and it's an honor to meet you, that I usually tune in to watch the Cavalcade mostly for commercials?

Larry: Mmm.

Chunt: I mean, 'cause the g-, as you mentioned the game has its flaws.

Larry: Yes, sure.

Chunt: Phenomenal game.

Larry: Mm-hmm, it's an okay game.

Chunt: But mostly watch for the commercials.

Larry: Yeah, well this year the commercials were great. Uh, I- which was your favorite? I'll tell you my favorite and then you tell me if you agree. But my favorite was probably where they trotted out, uh, 300 of the, uh, of the greatest Mittens players of all time and had them all, uh, re-create some of the greatest theatrical moments in the history of Foon, in about a 38 minute commercial, I thought that was great.

Arnie: [whispers] Wow.

Chunt: Amazing. Amazing.

Arnie: That's a long commercial.

Larry: That's right, and it doesn't sell anything.

Arnie: [laughs]

Chunt: [laughs]

Larry: It's just, it was just for fun-

Usidore: It was a won-, wonderful celebration of the sport.

Larry: It was a celebration of the sport of Mittens, and of the theater community of Foon.

Arnie: And Chunt, what was your favorite commercial?

Chunt: There was one, I can't remember what it was for, but there was like, these pincers? And they were holding a Dwarf, and you j-, they just slowly lowered him into boiling tar-

Arnie: Oh god!

Chunt: And you just see him, you see the life escape him from the feet up, and it was just, just great, I mean, just really, really spoke to me.

Larry: Yeah, that was for life insurance.

Chunt: Oh! That makes total sense.

Arnie: So you said, I don't really know, how does the sport work, Mittens?

Larry: What's that?

Arnie: How does Mittens work?

Larry: Oh god, well, uh, so you've never seen any Mittens?

Arnie: I haven't seen-

Larry: All right, uh- [sighs]

Usidore: Lawrence, you must forgive him, Arnold is a new-

Larry: Yeah.

Arnie: It's Arnie.

Usidore: He's a new person here-

Larry: Yeah, it's Larry, it's Larry Birdman. Uh, you know, [sigh] So put it this way, all right? You're on a field, all right? About 2000 yards long, uh, between 2000 and 2007, depending on which field you play on. Uh, it's about nine yards wide, so very narrow field.

Arnie: Wow!

Larry: Uh, each team is comprised of 31 individuals. You have a Baskin, you have what we call a Quarter-Back, which you won't understand, there's a Baskin, there's nineteen Hillsmens, and then there's ten, what we call Misselineus. And the Misselineus, they can do all sorts-

Arnie: Wait, Misselinius?

Larry: Yes, Missel-linius. There's 10 of them, there's 19 Hillsmen, okay? You have, you have a Baskin, 19 Hillsmen, okay, 10 Misselineus and and then a Quarterback.

Arnie: Do the Misselineus just do assorted things?

Larry: No, all of the other people do. The Misselinius have one specific task, that's very specific.

Arnie: [chuckles]

Larry: The Misselineus are there to basically distract and try to assist the Baskin in performing the Baskin task.

Arnie: And what is the Baskin task?

Larry: Now, the goal of the Baskin is to get the potted flower from one end of the f-, the Pitch, we call it the Pitch, to the other end of the Pitch, and if the Baskin takes a potted flower across 2000 yards, and gets it to the other end, that is one point. Now, my principle problem with the game, is if a bird comes near the field and you catch it, that's 700 points.

Arnie: [laughing] That's a lot of, that seems like a lot of points.

Larry: Didn't invent the rules, don't like that rule, seems like the team that catches a bird always wins.

Usidore: But it is exciting.

Larry: Well, it's...

Usidore: It's exciting when a bird finally flies onto the field-

Arnie: How often does this happen?

Larry: It's f-

Usidore: Pandemonium breaks out

Chunt: Very often, very often.

Larry: Pretty regularly. In fact, the last game, so, okay, so the last Cavalcade Part II, the score was, uh 2103 to 8.

Arnie: [laughing] Oh no!

Larry: So, it was, in my opinion, and this is what I've been pushing for, for reform for years, I thought it was unfair because one team got a Baskin 2000 yards across 31 opponents 8 different times, the other team only did it 3 times, and yet because the other team caught three birds, they won by thousands of points.

Usidore: Yes.

Chunt: It's a bird-heavy game. And you should know that Hogsface has its own Mittens team.

Larry: Oh yes! [laughs] If, that's "team" in quotes, Hogsface went, I believe, 0 and 1 last year?

Chunt: Yeah.

Larry: Yeah, they did not win their game.

Chunt: Yeah, our potted flower is not a fan of being carried around.

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Wait, so is your potted flower, Flower?

Chunt: It's Flower, yeah.

Arnie: The Flower that I threw off of a cliff last week?

Chunt: Yep, so we don't have a team anymore.

Arnie: [laughs] Oh no-

Usidore: Thank you for that.

Arnie: I'm sorry.

Larry: Ugh.

Chunt: The Hogsface Poisoned Blades are no longer a team.

Usidore: Now Larry, I, I wanted to ask you while you were here, burrh, I know you aren't a fan of the bird catching rule-

Larry: No, I'm not.

Usidore: But I do find it exciting when they catch a bird. My issue is more that fans are allowed to bring bags full of birds to release into the pitch.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: I, if the fans were, were restricted in their ability to bring birds and birds simply flew into the field naturally, I think that would make for a much more exciting game!

Larry: Well it's an interesting point, and, and, you know, Usidore-

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: I don't know if you've ever tried out to be a Wizard, as I said earlier, there's one Wizard per team, usually, sometimes more than one Wizard, but usually you b-, you want at least one of your Hillsmen to be a Wizard.

Usidore: Eh, yes.

Larry: And often that Wizard will be tasked with, you know, disintegrating birds that are released. So you constantly have birds being released by the fans, which I'm against, but you know, the rules are the rules and I just enforce them. And you will see, uh, hundreds, if not thousands of birds, released and then disintegrated repeatedly by one of the Hillsmen. That's just one of, I would say, 100-200 tasks a Hillsmen is-

Arnie: 100-200 tasks?

Larry: Yes. A game lasts, uh, well the first Cavalcade, as I said, began on January 15th, and ended, maybe, 20 minutes before the Final. So it's about a two-week game.

Usidore: It was a short game.

Larry: It was a short game, I'm glad we were able to get the Cavalcade finished this year before March.

Usidore: Yes.

Arnie: Does it frequenl-, Does one of the Cav- Does part I frequently go so long that part II starts before part I is done?

Larry: No, you couldn't do that, that's [laughs] that doesn't make any sense. No, the Cavalcade Part I is the second and third place team from the regular season. They play off, and then the winner of that plays the worst team from the regular season from the title.

Arnie: [laughs]

Larry: Another rule which I am against and trying to reform, it's one of my main points, is why not let the best team from the year play in the Cavalcade Part II?

Chunt: And Hogsface was in because we were the worst team. I should let you know, when I was in the form of an eagle, I was a Baskin, which was a huge problem, because, as per the rules-

Usidore: Your'e also a bird!

Larry: Yes.

Chunt: I'm a bird! So-

Larry: And the Baskin's feet cannot leave the ground.

Chunt: So, by being on the team in the state of an eagle, I was just draining points from my team.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What if you had been, like, another kind of bird, like a sparrow or a robin?

Usidore: A what?

Arnie: A sparrow or a robin.

Larry: Not familiar with either of those types-

Usidore: What's a robin?

Larry: What's a sparrow?

Arnie: I was just saying that maybe if you were a Baskin...robin...

Usidore: ...A robin?

Arnie: Never mind. That's- You know what, that's just something that-

Larry: Baskin robin...

Chunt: You seem...really pleased with yourself for some reason...

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: [chuckling] The people, I'm, the-, that was more for the people on my world, they're going to go crazy over that.

Chunt: A Baskin...robin...

Arnie: It's just a little joke, but the people on my world are gonna' go crazy.

Larry: I don't understand.

Chunt: I don't understand, but I hate it.

Larry: Anyway, thirty-one per team, uh...and I-

Arnie: Like 31 Flavors?

Larry: -don't know what else you need to know about Mittens. But, um, the-

Arnie: What are some of the teams besides the Hogface Poison Blades?

Chunt: Mm-Hmm?

Larry: Well, the best team in the league this year, which, you know, unfortunately they're not eligible for the playoffs, by virtue of wining the regular season. And then what they do is they wait there- If you win the regular season, you an't play again for ten years. And then in the 10th year you play in the 10th Anniversary, Round Table, Roundrobin, Uh, Circular...uh...

Chunt: And by the way, Roundrobin means something...we don't have robins. Robin means something else in Foon.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What does robin mean in Foon?

Usidore: Roundrobin.

Larry: I don't know what, uh, robin means, a Roundrobin is a specific type of game in which one opponent plays another one.

Arnie: ...okay...

Larry: Um...I forgot your question.

Arnie: What are some of the teams?

Larry: Oh.

Chunt: The Festering Wounds have been...dominating for a while.

Arnie: Uh-huh?

Larry: Yes. Well, in the sense that the best you can do, a lot of people think, is to finish second every year. So what happens in the game, and it's, again, it's frustrating, is, you have uh, teams play, and they try to all get up near the front, and then they all intentionally try to lose towards the end of the year to finish second, so that they can be in the Cavalcade and then hopefully Cavalcade Part II, and not have to be retired for ten years. So the Festering Wounds have finished second or third, which is both good, what 11? 11 or 12 years in a row.

Usidore: Yes, and of course there's uh, the Scrr...uh... Buzzards.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: Oh, from Scrr?

Usidore: From Scrr, yes.

Larry: Now you, Usidore, who do you support? I notice that you are in Scrr Buzzards colors.

Usidore: Ahhh, yes, I am a fan of the Buzzards, I must admit. [grumbles]

Chunt: And the wizard that plays on the Buzzards is, uh, Spintax.

Larry: Spintax the Green?

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Do you know him?

Usidore: Yeah...[grumbles] Uh, yes, yeah I do know him.

Chunt: Yeah?

Larry: I had dinner with him about a week ago, and he's really a wonderful, wonderful man.

Usidore: Yes, he's very, very talented.

Chunt: Great, great wizard.

Larry: For his age, too. He really can create a lot of things and dismantle a lot of things.

Usidore: Well, we each have our own journey. Speaking of which, I have a journey, that I would like you to accompany me on-

Arnie: We're gonna' have to-

Usidore: Aye, for the Dark Lord-

Arnie: Go to a quick break, actually, I'm sorry, you can mumble about the Dark Lord if you want-

Usidore: He s-

Arnie: But we're gonna' take-

Usidore: -smirched the land with his evil...

Arnie: We're just gonna' take a quick break, uh, so that we can refresh our drinks-

Usidore: [in the wizard's state] i shhuuupulflon i uwaveawave

Arnie: and we'll be back in just a moment.

[static]

[ad music]

Burger King Worker: Hello, welcome to Burger King, would you like to try a free Whopper today?

Usidore: [still in the wizard's state] hy k kuuu onminggg.[inaudible]

Burger King Worker: Seriously? Hello? Is that...? I swear I hear someone whispering. [yelling] Hey Linda, I think something's wrong with my headset.

[ad music fades]

Arnie: All right, uh, we're back. Uh, Usidore, are you done with your wizard's trance?

Usidore: Yes, I'm out of the wizard state now. Uh, but I had a question for you, Larry.

Larry: Oh, sure.

Usidore: You know, I always did want to be a Hillsman, myself.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: I am a wizard, and I do live on top of a hill.

Larry: Oh, nice.

Usidore: So I, it's always occurred to me that perhaps I could do it. Do you think I-?

Larry: Well, uh-

Usidore: Do you think I have the strength, the upper body strenth?

Larry: Did you play Mittens in College, or Wizard School?

Usidore: Well, ee- a little bit, I uh, you know, played with friends, you know, just fun-

Larry: Like the varsity, or the JV?

Usidore: Ah, you know, I [blusters] I went out for varsity, and you know, I didn't make it then, but you know, I've, I've grown as a wizard in the interim, you know...

Larry: Well, you know, one thing that I value as Commissioner of the Mittens League-

Usidore: Mm-hmm?

Larry: -is just brutal, honest truth. And I'll tell you it's unlikely. It's unlikely that you could do it.

Usidore: Mmm.

Larry: And the reason I say that is, our league is composed of the greatest Mittens players in the world. And as you know, as ev- Chunt, as you know, everyone who grows up in Foon - I would say fifty percent of the uh, the young, the young men and women of Foon play Mittens as children. And of course, that's getting lower and lower due to the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem that we're having, but-

Usidore: Right.

Larry: I will say, one-

Arnie: Are lots of people getting hurt playing Mittens?

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Oh yes.

Larry: It's a big issue, and we're taking it very seriously at the Foon Mittens League, and don't think that we're not. But, I will say, Usidore-

Usidore: Mmm, yes?

Larry: That I had an occasion to have brunch, maybe a month or two ago, with a man that of course you know, named Sam Stout.

Usidore: Ah yes, oh!

Larry: Okay? Now, Sam Stout is one of probably the 10, 15 best Hillsmen in the world. Sam Stout, when he was in college, tried out for the Mittens team. Not only did he not make the Mittens team, he was not allowed to be the manager of the Mittens team.

Usidore: Oooh.

Larry: And Sam Stout went, and he trained, and he trained, and he became - his name was not Sam Stout at the time, his name was Sam...I think it was uh...Stotlanberg?

Usidore: Ah.

Larry: Something Jewish.

Arnie: [chuckles]

Larry: But uh, my- what I remember is, he came back, and he was, he trained for years, I'm not sure exactly w-

Usidore: This is an inspiring story, please continue.

Larry: Yes, so, today-

Chunt: [chuckles]

Arnie: [laughing] I have so many questions, but keep going, keep going, keep going.

Larry: Well today, Sam Stout is one of the greatest players, and he, the man did not play in a professional mittens league match until he was 33 years old.

Usidore: Amazing.

Larry: Today he's, I think he's a 7 time All-Star, wonderful brunch companion-

Chunt: His cloak was retired, right?

Larry: Yes, his cloak was retired.

Chunt: Number 4500?

Larry: 4500, by the Daggerdale Blazehounds. And so uh, he's never allowed- I don't know if you know how jersey retirements work, do you know?

Arnie: Uh, in my world, yeah, basically you just cannot use someone's number again? Or-

Larry: No.

Arnie: Maybe I'm wrong.

Larry: N- well, maybe, I'm not sure. If you retire a jersey here, what it means is: you take a jersey, okay? You write a number on the back of it that's different from a regular number, this one had 4500 I believe, and you run, and everyone chases you. And if anyone gets you for an hour, they're allowed to just pummel the heck out of you.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Just beat you as hard as you can. If, however, you run and no one is able to catch you for a full hour, then you are put into what is called the Circle of Fame. And there's only about 100 people, it's 93 people, that have ever been in the Circle of Fame. And Sam Stout had his jersey retirement celebration run, I guess, a year ago? Yeah. Yes.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: About a year ago.

Usidore: Yes, about a year ago

Arnie: How many people have had failed jersey retirement runs?

Larry: Well, thousands.

Arnie: [astonished] Thousands!

Larry: Most people don't get more than, I'd say, twenty seconds. I mean, anyone can catch you.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Anyone!

Arnie: Anyone, anywhere?

Larry: Anyone!

Usidore: And just- And just-

Larry: I mean, a creature, a beast, anyone, they can-

Usidore: And just think of the revenge the birds want to enact.

Larry: Ugh.

Usidore: Yes.

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: So, I have a question for you, Larry Birdman. You-

Larry: Yes?

Arnie: You seem to have a lot of unhappiness with the sport of Mittens-

Larry: Well, the rules are terrible.

Arnie: What, what lead you to, to become the commissioner?

Larry: Well, you know, I [sighs] I see myself as a visionary. I was myself, I guess you don't know this, it's kind-of embarrassing and I don't mean to brag, but I'm probably the greatest mittens player. Uh, well...I dunno. Top, top 5.

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Larry: Uh...well, top, top 20 is non-controversial, I'll do that, top 20. And I myself was a Baskin, and uh, I really hated, uh, the amount of abuse that I took, and I thought it was unnecessary, because, y'know, there I was, once, y'know, being carried across, holding a plant, fighting, y'know, eyes gouged, all sorts of spells cast against me, and in my defense, uh, hand-to-hand combat, eating unbelievably, disgustingly hot items, as you're required to-

Arnie: [laughing] Wha?

Larry: All sorts of, uh, you know, uh...immersion therapy, foreign language skills learned...All these things that I had to do, month after month after month after month, to try to get that plant across that line 2000 yards away, and then, y'know, someone would catch a bird, and we'd lose. And so, imagine the frustration.

Arnie: [laughing] Sure!

Larry: Imagine the frustration! And so, uh, when I-

Arnie: Did you ever consider just...focusing on catching birds yourself?

Larry: Well that's what, probably, 29 of our 31 players are doing at any given time, is focused up on the birds. We've got wizards disintegrating birds, we've got other people trying to catch birds, it's-

Chunt: And you better believe, the commentators would just be like, "Look at the one person not catching birds, Birdman!" Like it's-

Arnie: Yeah.

Larry: [laughs] Yeah.

Chunt: It was a big, uh, it was a big joke.

Larry: That's right, it's really frustrating.

Usidore: But your technique was, may I say, perhaps the greatest that ever existed. For instead of holding the plant-

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: -in a single hand, [whispers] he grasped it with both!

Larry: Yes. We called it the two h-, we called it the two, 'Two In The Hand Is Worth One In The Bird'.

Arnie: [snickers]

Usidore: [normally] It was incredible, it...it transformed the entire game!

Larry: Yes. Now everyone's holding the plant with two hands. Before I carried it with- and I will tell you, this is a story I- you've probably heard this. The first time I carried the plant with two hands? Was a mistake.

Usidore: Ah yes, yes!

Arnie: Didn't mean to!

Larry: Didn't mean to carry it with two hands.

Usidore: Amazing, amazing.

Larry: Had it in one hand, had my other hand out there doing, the things you would normally do, you know, blocking spells, shaking hands of elites, you know, a lot of high-fiving, um-

Usidore: Foreign language flashcards.

Larry: Foreign language flashcards, of course, cooking fritatas, all the things a Baskin used to do with his off-hand, just doing anything he could to distract, or delay, or push forward. And wouldn't you know it, but I saw a friend of mine in the crowd. And I looked over, and I raised the potted plant, and it started to fall, and I reached up and grabbed it with the other hand, and, just silence. Silence immersed, you know, the pitch, everyone was shocked, no one had every seen it. And I found that it is easier to hold an item in two hands...than to hold it in one!

Chunt: [lets out a held breath]

Usidore: Incredible, incredible! Before that, you know, a Hillsman could come along and just bat the flower right out of your hand.

Larry: Yes.

Usidore: Or cast a spell at it.

Arnie: So, we're running out of time-

Larry: Oh.

Arnie: But before we go, I was wondering like, so now that the Cavalcade is done-

Larry: Yes.

Arnie: What will you do during the off-season?

Larry: Oh, well in April we have the Reap, where people will be conscripted to play for their Mittens teams. Used to be a Draft-

Arnie: Uh-huh.

Larry: -now it has to be a Reap because people are very worried about the Post-Concussive Syndrome problem. So the Reap will be-

Usidore: And only- And only about 30% of the people in the Reap live through that process, correct?

Larry: Uh, er yeah, I think that's a little generous, I think it's around 25-30%, but uh-

Usidore: Ahh.

Arnie: Phew!

Larry: -people are excited to be Reaped.

Arnie: [scoffs]

Larry: So, yeah, we'll have the Reap in April, new season will start back up, first game will start May 1st, hopefully that'll be done by May 15th, and uh, the next game starts as soon as the last one finishes, and then you go 'til Cavalcade Part II.

Arnie: Wow! Well, if I'm still here when the season starts again, and if Hogsface gets a team going again, I would absolutely love to see a game of mittens.

Larry: Well, terrific. Tickets are available at any given time, the field is huge, you can watch a lot of different ways, as I said earlier. If you want to do a Watch N' Pop let me know. But I uh, will hope to have a new fan!

[trill]

Arnie: All right, thank you so much, and thanks again Chunt and Usidore for being here. And thank you for listening, as always, please subscribe on iTunes and give us a positive review, give us a lot of stars. And email us with your questions at [email protected].

Chunt: But I don't turn into the genitals of whatever I'm...why would Matt DeMarco...?

Arnie: I don't know, that was a question that he- I mean, to be fair, from my world, we don't really understand how sexual skin changing works.

Chunt: Okay.

Larry: Oh Chunt, you're a shapeshifter?

Chunt: Yes.

Arnie: So-

Larry: Oh, I didn't get that earlier. You know, they're looking for a new Misselineus.

Chunt: Ooo!

Larry: On Hogface.

Chunt: Well, I-

Larry: And a shapeshifter would be pretty good!

Chunt: Lemme talk to you after the uh-

Larry: Absolutely.

Chunt: Yeah?

Arnie: All right, well uh, thanks so much for listening everybody, and we'll see you next week!

Usidore: Do they, do they need any Hillsman?

Chunt: Do you have Jews in your world?

Arnie: [quiet, helpless laughter]

[theme music]

[static]

Mysterious Man: And once again, we find that the takeaway lesson is that none of these things really happened. Usidore the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Badger was played by Adal Rafai. Special guest Larry Birdman was played by Rush Howell, who performs regularly with the show 3033. And the mysterious Burger King drive-thru operator was Max Temkin. Produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. Last week was actually edited by Evan Jacover, and not Ryan DiGiorgi, but whatever, let's not linger in the past. Music by Andy Poland. Hello From the Magic Tavern logo designed by Allard Leban. Learn more about the show and learn about how it's not real, because it's fake, at hellofromthemagictavern.com. Or follow us on Twitter @magictavern. All of these fanciful imaginings were brought to you by Base Camp, with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Base Camp at basecamp.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcooperative.com. Sometimes, I can concentrate on an object and make it burst into flames.

[static]

[theme music end]

#Arnie #Chunt #Usidore #Larry Birdman #s1e4 #Episode 4 - The FML #first mention: Mittens #hftmt

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