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#so ye just the important stuff is fine also
celesaetherea · 1 year
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Guys, can someone help a fellow qsmp addict out and do a recap of today's events pleaseee??
I couldn't watch the normal amount of streams today because school and obligations and blah blah blah
So I literally don't have time to watch any vods either lmao
So yeah- pleaseeee
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ancha-aus · 3 months
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RealAgeAU - Reclaiming
This is a little something I have had in mind for a while :3
TImeline wise? We are muuuuuch further. Like. late spring early summer (So the gang has been in farmtale for over half a year now!)
First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble
We are back with Baby Pov :3 @spotaus you ready friend?
No Beta'ing or Edits. We just go with whatever i wrote >:D
*-----------------*
Nightmare sits on his little chair on the bright yellow porch of the Danielle Farm.
Ngihtmare watches as His four speak with the two nice ladies.
Ellie just sits wiht her head in her hands, she had been crying before. Dani isn't much better as she looks over their dying tree farm.
Killer frowns "I don't get it! You guys won the lawsuit right?! There was proof of sabotage! I thought you got money and everything?"
Dani chuckles as she rubs her cheek, removing some tears "It matters little... The trees are almost all dead... Even with the money... There is enough for us to live comfortable yeah.. but it isn't enough to restore the damage..." she looks back at their farm.
Horror frowns as he looks back "Any that survived?"
Dani sighs "Technically they are still alive... but they are dying... we checked all of them and well..." she sighs "only a few of our oldest cherry trees are still okay... and those aren't baring fruit anymore, probably part of why they weren't too affected." she sighs "i don't know the science behind it..."
Nightmare frowns and looks at Dust. Dust notices him and shakes his skull.
It had been going on since a month or so... The girls were beyond alarmed and panicked when they found one of their trees just dying for no reason. It got worse when it became clear that it had spread.
They thought wood rot at first and removed the sick trees but later realised their very land had been sabotaged and poisoned.
Killer frowns "And can it be healed?"
Dani shakes her head as she looks back at the trees that are still not showing any new leaves. "Maybe... but getting things for that? It is too expensive... and even than it would only save the cherry trees... and well... those aren't the real money makers and the thing we have our living with..." she rubs the perfect yellow wood.
Nightmare knows what she is talking about. THe two had combined their magic and made a new tree. somekind of mushroom tree combination.
Nightmare tugs on Cross's sleeve and he looks down "yeah nightmare?"
Ngihtmare looks at Dani "Can you make a new one? Like you made the first one?" That is how their farm started after all.
Dani smiles before sighing and shaking her head again "Our land used to be a forest... What we did was make one tree and let it... well.. infect and change the other trees around it. We eventually made sure it couldn't spread further and out of the area we wanted with magical barriers in the ground... but without new trees we can't go it again."
Ngihtmare frowns "and trees take time..." even their mushroom trees take a few years to fully grow.
Dani nods and smiles sadly at the others "We are... going to share the news with everyone later... Look for a new place and new jobs..." she rubs her eyes "new start... again."
Ellie sobs miserably "I don't wanne move..."
Dani looks back sadly at her other half.
Nightmare watches as his four think but clearly can't think of much. They had grown closer with the other two monsters. The two had often come by with extra wood for their home repairs and later with old mechinery and other things for them to repair and use as they saw fit.
The two had to drive a lot and deliver their wares a lot and got too many places. They made sure to keep an eye open for anything that others in their community wanted.
So when they heard something was up with their farm? They got to work. Horror had recognised the poison together with Crop and Dust had isolated and indentified it.
Killer had been very helpful with helpign the girls get their win in the lawsuit. Killer still has his silver tongue after all.
Nightmare hops off of the chair and wanders a bit further into the tree farm. He had been show their center tree before. THe biggest tree of their whole farm and the strongest of them all.
Nightmare stands before it and stares. It is sick. It looks a sick grey and no longer the beautiful strong branches that had made it strong. Nightmare inches closer as he stands before it.
When he first got shown this place he had been afraid he would get reminded of his mother. but it was different. These trees? They are really trees. just nature. His mother had always been strange compared to the natural trees. ironically, Nim had been something unnatural.
a whisper.
Nightmar eblinks and tilts his skull "hello?"
another whisper. it aren't words. it is more of a whisper like the wind going through leaves and leaving with a whistle. Yet....
yet...
Nightmare blinks as he inches closer "I am sorry it hurts..."
more whispers. but it isn't what he would expect... it isn't...
Nightmare tilts his skull "I don't think it can hurt me... like it is hurting you..." Nightmare finally truly gets it now. It is all connected. It are trees which grow like mushrooms. the roots are all connected and they all talk and communicate and share the magic and resources between them...
It si why they are all sick.
Nightmare frowns as he hugs himself close "I am sorry i can't help..."
another whistle. a whisper. it is a reassurance. but also an apology. The trees love the two who take care of them. Who helped them flourish. They don't want to leave the two.
Nightmare frowns before a a thought about himself returns. Something he hadn't acknowledged or even thought about in a long time. Not since he got his job as god...
He was a nature spirit. He may now be a skeleton but his core? His soul? Was still the same as when he was a ball of energy, a tiny nature spirit.
Maybe...
He slowly raises his hands near the tree "I can try to help..."
A slightly louder whistle and whisper. To be careful. To not hurt himself.
Ngihtmare touches the tree and feels the connection all over the farm. This farm is so much larger than his home. So much larger than Crop's farm!
Still. he feels along it. It is strange. He can't really interact with any of it. He just feels along it. It is strange and he is seeing double. But then he spots it. Something that is wrong. A greyness that is eating away the energy and colour of this feeling. He gets there and... and what now? He foudn it... he thinks... it is like a smudge. a smudge that eats and makes what was there before disappear...
He can't heal... but... maybe he can just... remove it?
He tugs and tugs on the thing. it doens't want to let go but eventually it stands no chance.
Nightmare feels it and it feels wrong. But it needs to disconnect from the trees! But how? He is right now kinda there with the trees connection and he has the thing and...
Ngihtamre concentrates and imagines holding it prisoner. Holding it close but seperate from his own.
It is now like a thin fill over him, still in his minds eye. His normal eyes don't see anything wrong or different of before.
Okay... what now? What is he doing anyway? How does this work?
"Nightmare!!"
Cross?
Ngihtamre tries to turn towards the voice and sees a bright light purple energy come towards him. a blink later and it is Cross normally. He looks worried.
And then he doesnt see the bright yellow of the energy of the tree anymore but just the normal trees.
He feels sick.
Cross gets to him and picks him up "Ngihty! We told you not to use your magic. It is still fragile..."
FRagile? oh.
Nightmare notices the now obvious part cyan and part purple light shinign unto the white of Cross's outfit... Woops... overdid it again...
A loud gasp "Oh no! Is he okay? I am so sorry. I didn't think... It never hurt any of us?" Dani is by Cross and looks horrified. Right... most of them haven't seen his scars.
Dust is by them in a moment and checks him over as Cross speaks "No this... this is a thing that happens if he overuses his fragile magic..."
Nightmare isn't relaly paying attention as he tugs on Dust's scarf and mutters "Dusty.... I feel sick..."
Dust frowns as he checks his temporature and skull over.
Nightmare feels something slowly crawl up his system and his magic starts to shape to get rit of it... He tugs harder on the scarf and mutters "sick...."
Horror gets it as he searches before holding up a basket by his skull. Ngihtamre doesn't wait and vomits.
Grey sludge that burns on his tongue leaves his body and he shudders. But in one go and it is all out and he feels a million times better.
Nightmare blinks at the weird grey blob of mass in the basket. Huh... pretty sure that has more mass than Nightmare has.
Cross just holds him tighter and rubs his back "that... is new..."
Dust looks at the basket and Horror looks around.
Nightmare blinks and looks at Horror "It will cause sickness." he is sure. So sure. but how does he explain. He doesn't have the words ready. He just hopes Horror understands him. His four always understand him.
Horror looks at him before looking at the basket thoguhtfully "Think we can burn it?"
Burn... kill it... Nightmare nods. That sounds good.
Horror looks at the girls "We euh..." he looks at the basket "I am not sure what this is... We need to look into it?"
Dani nods as she rubs her arms "of coruse... of course... I am so sorry something here caused him to get sick or overuse his magic and..." she then looks sadly at her trees.
Ngihtmare blinks as he already feels sleepy but still he says it "don't be sad... they don't want you to be sad."
Dani blinks and turns to Nightmare "waht... what do you mean?"
Ngihtmare hums and just nuzzles closer to Cross. he listens to the soft whistle and whisper. then he mutters sleepily "They already feel a bit better... They like you two... just rest..." and he yawns.
Killer steps over and starts speaking with Dani. Nightmare can't really hear it anymore as he falls asleep. Very tired and Cross is so warm.
---
Killer groans as he hears loud pounding on his door. God can't they just have a lay in today? He groans as he looks to the side adn sees Dust grumble angerly as he rolls further around Nightmare. Nightmare however is still completely out. Not having stirred much since the day before.
Killer checks him over first but still finds him just peacefully asleep. Nothing wrong. Probably just exhausted. Though none of them are even sure what Ngihtmare did to cause him to go so low on magic and energy.
More pounding on the door and Killer groans as he staggers over to the door. STill just in his sweats and sleeping shirt. He opens the door and shoots the other, Ellie, a grumpy look "I know I said We would be willing to help but i think i didn't need to imply to not do this at 6." or whatever time it was.
Ellie just stands there, her truck still running "It is fixed."
Killer blinks ".... what?"
Ellie shakes his shoulders as she speaks "It is FIXED. The trees! There are leaves growing! It is fixed! The whole farm!"
THe information connects. Killer stands up straight as he stares at the bunny monster in shock. He glances over his shoulder before looking abck "what?"
Ellie smiles brightly "I dom't... I don't know how! But... he fixed it Killer!"
Killer blinks before he feels panic as he grabs her shoulder "no one can know."
Ellie blinks "but... he caused a miracle... he-"
Killer nods "exactly. Ellie. What do you think happens when people learn what he did? What he could do? We don't even know he could do this."
Ellie blinks before her eyes widen and her face twists with worry "oh..." she looks thoughtful for a moment before a large grin appears "in that case. Thank you Killer! For bringing up the idea to put barriers around each tree section! We managed to get some seperation in the infection!" she then hugs him before pulling away "Thank you... I will tell Dani too." she grins and makes a zipping her lips motion before throwing away an invisible key.
She then apologises and waves before quickly rushing to her car. Killer cna see her grab a mobile phone as she starts calling. Killer waits a moment to and reads her lips as she greets Dani and tells her that what happened can not get out. That they just found a way to isolate the problem and remove the sick trees.
Something that if you knew how this thing worked probably wouldn't know but it is enough of a story to not arouse suspicion. Ellie waves and then she drives off after finishing her call. No doubt to return to her girlfriend, or are they already wives? Killer isn't sure.
Killer returns to the nest and sits next to the still sleeping Dust and Nightmare. Horror and Cross are no doubt out and doing stuff to prepare them for their first tiny harvest.
His godhood become active again...
Killer is just happy it isn't connected to that stupid balance anymore.
Though he does not look forward to trying to figure out what exactly it is.
*-------------------*
:3 the tiny god may have finally found something he likes and wants to do :3
Just because it isn't too obvious. It is restoration. After all. That is what Nightmare does.
First he restored the balance (or tried to). And then he got his boys, and isn't restoration just a way of saying mending? Which is healing? And what did the four do when they were near Nightmare? :3
I think you can see the pattern.
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iraprince · 7 months
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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I don’t know if it’s a headcanon for the sake of angst, or if people genuinely believe this: but where did we get the idea that Morro starved Lloyd to make him easier to possess?
At least, when I look at this dialogue.
“This armor, it weakens me. At the same time, Lloyd is fighting my possession.” - Stiix and Stones.
“Lloyd's spirit continues to fight my possession. He's getting stronger.” Peak-a-Boo.
“Save your strength, because I'll be needing it.” - The Crooked Path.
This whole Possession has been a double-edged sword. Now especially that last line? That’s the main reason I highly doubt Morro was starving Lloyd. Whatever Lloyd feels, so does he. If Lloyd is hungry, hurt and weak, that’s not going to be helping anyone. Not saying this makes Morro a nice guy, just that for all that he’s got a list of wrongs; starving someone likely isn’t one of them.
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friendofthecrows · 1 year
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I miss that brief golden era from like 2012 to 2016 when the online witchcraft community was actually good and full of open minded people looking to learn more and share what they know plus maybe the occasional vampire middle schooler instead of the situation now where it's been taken over by capitalist tiktok transphobes who like to come up with ways to shift to hogwarts via their inherent magical vagina powers and then sell coated quartz to cure cancer instead of seeing doctors.
#hal rambles#saying controversial things tonight i guess#btw i have done astral projection and at first when i heard about shifting i was like#'oh basically a different name for the same thing?'#then it turns out these guys are just lucid dreaming and thinking that takes them to an entire other universe#like fine enough i don't want to be mean about someone's beliefs#And then i find out about some of the dramas involved and I'm just like o_O#pls use your critical thinking skills#This is way more important when it comes to stuff like herbology though#because not checking side effects dosage etc can legitimately KILL YOU DEAD#and I've seen. So many incredibly stupid things. only to ask for a source and they send me a link to a tiktok...#This is vagueposting about certain friends#Like tiktok 'witchcraft' is completely counter to all the good I've seen in the community last decade#It's ABOUT thinking critically and learning#It's ABOUT exploring ideas that are not the most popular and not taking mainstream beliefs for absolute granted#And so much more!#Yes it can also be about belief and intuition but you have to use that responsibly#Think about why you are tempted to something#Is it actually from your subconscious or some sort of sign or did something online suggest this to you#And that's not to say all internet knowledge is bad - sometimes people do make original and useful observations on here#or compile existing resources/knowledge#But you've got to THINK about it#Same with stuff in books and from people. I'm not the 'it's published so it's automatically legit' type#Sorry for the rant#I'm up a bit too late and i was thinking about it#Time to go dream about killing someone for the Aesthetic and Drama (my favorite lucid dream series)#(and you see - I'm not going into another universe and murdering people via lucid dreaming about it)
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openly weeping at the idea of someone genuinely hating soul punk.
#like it makes sense obviously that people would. i guess. but i thought most people who didn't like it just didn't like#it because they didn't like patrick all that much or it was too different or they were just upset about fob's hiatus.#like idk i feel like calling patrick's lyricism bad is a little unfair.#like not to compare 2 bad bitches but he's right there. so pete writes comparatively just as cheesy lyrics.#i like that. don't get me wrong. 'cheesy' as a compliment. but like. patrick's lyrics r 2 cheesy 4 u? the fob fan?#like yes he uses a fash buzzphrase in 'dance miserable.' but i am almost certain he didn't think through the implications of it#and 'people never done a good thing' has like. weird liberal ableism in it. but that one was a bonus track and once again reads#very much like something he just. didn't think about very hard. still bad. but it's better than him doing it on purpose.#especially given how much of soul punk actually is actively trying very hard 2 be progressive and the former within the context of the song#reads more as overly cynical than like. actually fash. but he should've phrased it in a non fash-y way. yes.#it reminds me of the 'manifest destiny' line in 'high hopes' by panic actually.#like that's a buzzphrase that they totally didn't think through at all and that's. bad. really bad.#but it's also kinda funny given how liberal democrat these bands and ppl tend to try to come off.#like nobody caught that in 'high hopes?' all those writers in the room and nobody caught that?#was it like a 'maybe someone else will say something' '*crickets*' kinda sitch on that one bc. lol. lmao even.#i hope the white liberal guilt sits with them on that one.#but i digress. soul punk. that's two songs (including one bonus track) with a questionable lyric each.#otherwise both perfectly fine songs.#that being said yeah. sometimes the cynical liberal stuff grates on even me a little at times. like i feel it i really do and i think#patrick makes some important points but it's so bitter. even when he's writing *more about relationships it's just like damn dude.#(*asterisk because everything is political.)#AND I GET WHY. obviously. patrick is just like that a little bit and he was Going Through It. more relevant on truant wave tbh#because i think that mindset works better on soul punk.#i could understand the cynicism maybe tanking somebody's opinion of soul punk but it doesn't really bother me enough to alter my score.#also i understand it's the best song on the album but idk about ppl saying cryptozoology as a single. doesn't totally defeat#the purpose of the song and it would've also been powerful as a single#but it's just such a beautiful Fuck You to have it as a hidden track.#patrick stump#myevilposts
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cherrygarden · 6 months
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,
#i hate being more financially responsible than my parents#I HATE IT#like i've lived through them obsessing over bills and having our services cut many many times and risk our shit being taken from us#and have to listen to my dad making phone calls begging for money from friends and how humilliating that is#and now we're doing a little better but i was raised with that stress and that just doesnt go away#and i see them spend money on shit we don't need and that would be fine if we didn't still have many debts and health issues we keep postpo#postponing bc we don't have money#and since my exchange i've been feeling so guilty about how much money it cost them#and ive talked to them about it when i was applying to give them the chance to tell me no and reconsider#and during it bc i felt like the worst person alive for needing to eat#and after bc i put them in so much debt with my uni that i can't enroll for this semester#and so much shit has happened and ive been feeling guilty and a waste of money and space and most of the time i feel like a shell of myself#and they see it but they dont know what to do because instead of comforting me ever they just put me in a psychologist's office#and just now my mom smiled at me and told me that since they weren't able to give me any presents last year they were talking#and wanted to buy me tickets for lollapalooza this weekend#and i want to go so badly and i entered so many giveaways and stuff but i didnt win so i was also sad about that#but i just looked at her like 😐 because we are definitely not in a financial situation to be spending money like that#like i appreciate the gesture but i've taken enough from them and i already feel guilty#i told her i would feel guilty and wouldn't enjoy it bc they literally don't have the money#and she said ''oh we just can't pay the full amount that we owe right now but we have enough''#???? then put the money on a savings account????? not spend it because you have '''extra'''#which you dont even have!!!!! i told her to prioritise our health bc we all have to get blood work done and exams and multiple doctors and#our general bills!!! like there's more important things that would put me more at ease than a concert which yes would have made me happy#but not like this and not when it's a present out of guilt and inability to know me#and i was crying and she was sad at my reaction and i had to apologise for not accepting it and being like this#literally told her ''i also wish i wasnt like this'' and she said nothing#so that was a fun start to my day :)))))))))#i hate that she thought it was a good idea and i hate that i had to say no#at least i didn't say any of the hurtful things that went through my head so i'll take it as a win#it sucks that we both feel guilty over the uni situation becuase we're both equally at fault
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snekdood · 7 months
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at some point in the future:
*non vegan reading about a new vegan leather*: psh. bet it has plastic in it tho.
*scrolls down and finds out theres 0 plastic. the non vegan gets angry since now theres finally a vegan leather they dont get to complain about*: psh, bet it doesnt feel like real leather tho.
*scrolls down to find out the creators of this leather spent a lot of time to make it more "like real leather*: psh, bet they exploit their workers tho
just say you want to use animal leather and you were never going to consider an alternative in the first place, bud
#bc ik for a damn fact plenty a yall are gonna do this.#excuses excuses#ooo but im sure all that leather you buy is totally not from exploited workers either#im sure you take Great Care making sure its not 😒#and if you do. great for you! why do you think human lives and comfort is more important than animal lives and comfort btw?#you'll do anything to avoid hurting exploited workers yes? but having anything vegan now and then is just. off the table. am i right?#am i correct? have i read you for filth?#and then you'll tell me 'no ethical consumption under capitalism' yet you still try to avoid buying from exploited workers-#so seems like more or less you just say that to avoid feeling any guilt about eating or contributing to the harm of animals?#just say you value human lives more and move on.#'no ethical consumption' to some people means 'i get to say this to excuse any behaviors i do that exploit others and to justify#why im only considerate about 1 (one) thing when it comes to buying stuff'#but what if you could do more than that though- clearly you only buy from places that dont exploit their workers bc of your morals and#not bc you think it actually changes things if you believe in the 'no ethical consumption' argument#so why cant you ever acknowledge that you're harming animals or try to make excuses for why its fine? ik deep down it conflicts with#your moral outlook too. you're selective about what you think you can change because theres some stuff you're unwilling to change.#be real. its not because of capitalism. you think meat tastes good and you like how leather makes you feel Cool and Badass or whatever#you feel Punk and Rock And Roll for wearing dead animals. never mind that that fascination is hard to distinguish from southern right#wingers who love their snakeskin cowboy boots and hunt for sport.#they also feel Very Cool for wearing dead animals 😒 bb girl you're not as counter culture and punk as you think you're coming off as#at least native ppl dont generally do it to Feel Cool
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miabrown007 · 2 years
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yeah, sorry, just gonna push that penumbra agenda until we find a common denominator
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diabeticgirl4 · 1 year
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I'm watching queer eye and like. most times I can understand the fab5 and why they need to change/fix this person and the ways whatever they're teaching will help, but like. they're teaching etiquette to this total country rancher guy bc he wants to find a girl and settle down and he never learned that type of stuff and yeah manners and basic etiquette is important but rn they're focusing so much on dining and the amount of forks!! and no you can't dip your bread in soup you gotta tear a small piece and drop it in!! and you're absolutely terrible if you set your spoon on the table!!
idk man I'm super not vibing w this ep
#ignore me#maddie liveblogs queer eye#still in season 6. the bull rancher guy.#idk this whole ep is making me super uncomfy#idk just anytime the problem is 'peter pan syndrome' where the guy is happy and living his life fine but everyone else has issues w it?#just. as an autistic who also no doubt has 'peter pan syndrome' it just rly rubs me the wrong way#sure his living space and hygiene are less than ideal but idk I don't think he needed a whole intervention for that#and again!!! the etiquette stuff!!! why the frick!!!#who tf cares about which fork to use and soup spoons when he's a rancher cowboy in texas!!!!#and just. the whole time he's So Uncomfortable w everything#they keep playing it like 'ohoho he's just a conservative texan dealing w 5 gay guys for the first time!' but like.#he probably never asked for any of this? and you can tell how resistant he is to change. I get that. it's scary.#and p much everything he does has reason. for his business or for his heritage. it's super important to him and that's valid!!#and the fab5 come rushing in and tell him he needs to change if he wants to find a girl and settle down#and like. ok yes he needs to work on hygiene and his housing situation. but idk man karamo thinking etiquette lessons will be the best fix?#I still have like ten min left but man he's been so uncomfortable the whole time it's kinda heartbreaking#I do like tan and antony listening and going slowly and helping him ease into change#bc what they're doing is such a big change!!! for someone like him he needs to be eased into it#what they're doing is basically tossing him into the deep end of the pool to teach him how to swim and it's driving me nuts#ok sry I gotta shut up I'm just. rly not vibing w this episode and I'm bummed about it :\
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sad--tree · 1 year
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keep saying i don't want 2 work another retail xmas but canNOT 4 the life of me make myself finish my goddamn fucking job applications !!!!!! death & dying & despair etc. etc.
#i dont dislike the application process for gc jobs on principle BUT#it does not mesh well w/ my difficulties re: starting & finishing tasks#but like i understand why u cant just send in a resume n hit done#NOT that there are many IT listings up atm...... and ill apply 4 clerical/admin stuff too#but an IT-1 STARTS a good $10k a year higher than a CR-5 soooooo :///#which is whatever its fine money isnt everything!! ill gladly make less if it means not hating my job!!!#but i also wanna. u know. LIVE. move out of my parents house. buy brand name snacks occasionally. maybe -gasp- go on a vacation#(not 2 say i dont make an attempt at travel now but thats with very finite savings that are def only going down not up)#also extremely frustrating 2 me the emphasis put on having a degree that completely locks me out of certain job categories#like. yes. there are for sure some where having the bg knowledge is important eg. an AU (auditor/accountant) or MA (methodologist)#and there are certain skills a degree (in theory) provides eg critical thinking research etc.#but not all of us have $40k+ to get tge fancy piece of paper saying we have those things. and u can have those skills w/o a degree#and smth like an EC which needs a degree in economics sociology or statistics is so arbitrary#and maybe not necessarily actually based in the majority of work done by the majority of positions in that category#ANYWAYS not me being bitter abt education standards YET AGAIN lol#idek if i could go to uni even if i could afford it. even tho i have 2 college diplomas id probably have 2 redo my grade 12 english 😶‍🌫️#also if money were no object id probably go for like. film studies or smth lol not sociology#tho. ngl. if i had the willpower and determination 4 smth so rigorous (i 100% dont) accounting does seem. interesting asdffhkkfdghh#ANYWAYS pt. 2 all this 2 say this is why i instead spent $10k+ on the only possible 2 yr diploma#that can still get u in2 the higher paying public service jobs. even tho ive discovered i Dont Particularly Care for programming. :(#thats an understatement actually i was actively in hell for like 80% of that program and the remaining 20% mostly wasnt coding
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I hope your week gets better 🫂
thank TwT
#im ok now!!!#still sort of. alert and watchful but#mostly there was just a lot of problems piled up at once but none personally damaging or unfixable and us + loved ones are ok#and autism+burnout brain did not like having to reschedule things on the fly based on Evolution of Problem(s) several times a day#with no breaks to process properly#(also constant hypervigilance bc a lot of the Problems were with the wiring of our flat and that was ummmm#hard to Feel Safe and recoup when your literal living space is threatening to potentially catch fire / is a security risk#and every time a professional comes by and is like oh it should be fine now! and then. a day to hours later. it is NOT!!!! FINE!!!!! AGAIN!#thats a lot hfjdjg kg#it's been two full days since the Last Incident and our most important stuff is Packed just in case so#im choosing to believe this is Under Control until such time as it is Actually Fixed by the pros (electricity guy))#and then there was the annoyance of landlady on top of that who keeps badgering us about the flat being ''too messy''#to take pictures of to sell. but i am starting to believe that the problem is that WE LIVE HERE and cant make it look like an IKEA showroom#because like is there a lot of stuff? yes absolutely. but even with all our best efforts to hide the stuff#the last two times we STILL got told it's too messy for pictures and at this point im like ok whatever#isn't fixing the fucking wiring more important here maybe perhaps. this isn't a livable flat my bedroom has no heating or electricity#maybe fix that before you try to sell LOL#/petty but whatever#like us and flatmate are gonna hide as much stuff as we possibly can with 0 proper furniture to put stuff away in (furnished flat BTW)#and the agency will get what they get like they're selling already rented. buyers KNOW theres people living in there#again this isn't a fucking IKEA showroom we live here and use our stuff............#anyway fhdjfkgk this is like a full on rant about honestly like i'll take that annoyance over the. ah yes electricity in my flat is#potentially a fire hazard now#(tho again we have Not had any issues for 48 hours the problem really seems to be circumscribed to unfortunately our bedroom#that we spend 80% of our time in. in the winter. the heater is electric. oops. anyway fjdkgkgkg)#like genuinely the issue here was less the Problems and more the Pileup and constantly changing plans and situation#and interactions with a ton of folks about it for stuff we don't have scripts for. did a number on the autism brain#prommy we're ok enough now it was just a HARD week and this post was a gotdam Mood when i saw it lol#anyway thank u for sending this in and also Caring this was Heartwarming To See 💕 TwT#saltposting
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noxtivagus · 2 years
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hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump
#🌙.vents#YEAH HONESTLY OKAY one reason why fiction comforts me so much is. it teach me so much n let me live through so much more#these characters i. relating to them n seeing parts of myself in them is just. yk rlly comforting bcs i'm. very not social irl.#i get anxious. n typically i find that.. most ppl in like my class or my school or wtvr. yk everyone is interesting n has depth but#i find them. a bit too simple for me. ah.. yeah uhm. sorry remove the 'a bit' it's. by far. so.#hermes rlly. to me bcs he's like. different. felt alone for it. but.. he's intelligent he's valued n. theres a lot of ways to look at it bu#yh then he stands up n does smth for himself for once n he makes mistakes n then after that he sort of just gives up on that part of himsel#'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort#but for me it hurts yes but i'd much rather face life for what it is. who i am who i really am. fuck if it's lonely for me#smth from the 1975 w matty on religion? sorry as well i'm.. really not religious. i respect it but please. i'm really not religious.#it would.. be easier yeah if we did believe in some divine being right? believing that there is salvation. that. there's.. yeah#i really just can't bring myself to believe in that. on religion i rmb rn even when i was younger like in lower school even i rlly thought#abt logic behind it. i questioned n wondered why people believed in religion. i really as. very curious abt stuff n life n all that#n growing up i've never really let the outside world influence me too much. no i pride myself in really staying true to myself.#so last year hurt sm bcs i really felt like i was restraining myself too much. i can't exactly pinpoint it rn okay i'm emotional rn but#i rlly felt like my freedom to be myself was stuck somewhere. n then stuff n 'talking too much' so tumblr became yh for me bcs#i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh#i still do crave vulnerability n belonging but how do i say this#it's really important to me that. i realize i open up more to ppl that also are able to open up as well. ppl who are like me.#like apollo n online friends n i love my irls too n i hate this bcs yh fine maybe i'm a bit of a ppl pleaser but it's more in a way that#i don't want to be misunderstood. i don't want to hurt anyone. so irl i generally tend to.. hide or restrain myself#take note of 'generally'. but i won't touch on that right now. i think i've been misunderstood before so that's why im sensitive to this#bcs. still having that love n care can coexist with still knowing myself n what works better for me bcs it's so crazy actually how w#several ppl i met last year esp the ones i only know online i cld open up to them more easily bcs they Too can do that n it just#feels so lonely irl i'm just dumping rn it's like nearly 1 am n i'll probably delete this tmrrw bcs i think i'm a bit frustrated right now#not that it's anyone's fault. i'm just. confused right now w myself but i don't mean anything bad by all this okay#i want to just. write. a fictional story rn to calm myself. doing things for myself surely isn't selfish. being myself isn't selfish right?#i can be kind to myself right now too. like other times before. so i will be kind. yes i will be.#there's sm in my head i rlly wish i cld write them all but such is the limit of being human. not too bad tho bcs i have stuff to do#i'll get that done rq n then i'll let myself rest though. until i sleep i'll let myself be at peace n rest c:
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playingonedchess · 13 days
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how is it that i can feel nostalgic about the time i was sitting on the pavement under an overpass in a foreign country crying because something didnt go my way and gave me a bit of a largish bill but clearly really cause there must be something wrong with me
#this post started out being about nostalgia being for the past not just fun stuff but then it turned into what the fuck is wrong with me#nah like i dont actually cry in public or anything#there was no one around and i had my hood up#also when its strangers in a foreign country youll never ser again who dont notice your existence that princippal becomes less important#and yes it wasnt actually that much of a big deal im just stingey and think it was unreasonable and it wasnt my fault#only it actually sort of was if id actually bothered to use google and translate or actually ask someone and if id been less stingey in#the first place there wouldnt have been a misunderstanding and i wouldnt have got in trouble#but yes the point is the fact that i was cyring about it was a total overreaction and completely pathetic#even though cyring in privates like actually fine and this was basically private its still pathetic#i can say it was general stresses or whatever i guess which is probably true i dont know why else id do it#except that im a stupid pathetic self pitying loser thatll jump on any chance to feel sorry for myself#i suppose since i dont have much of a life i never feel emotions much any more cause theres nothing happening to make me feel them#so considering that it does make more sense and doesnt sound so bad#well whatever reason in general i dont think its a normal or balanced reaction#but thats how it works isnt it lots of small things build up and you ignore them but eventually something tips you over the edge#and i get pissed off or very very occassionally might cry about it#maybe it isnt even that unbalanced when i put it like that#or maybe im just justifying it cause i cant admit i really am that pathetic#but anyway the nostalgias more fun to think about#even though it was only a few months or so ago#maybe its cause i feel like i have to grasp onto any past i have at all to show i have an existence so i feel like i have an identity#or whatever im too tired its like 2am#am i actually going to post this#i shouldnt#not that being pathetic on the internet where theres such a minute chance some random stranger might see it makes any difference
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lilgynt · 2 months
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went to that horror thing at that dudes house - it was fine and i had fun but it was just a groups of older white dudes and what comes from that like mostly fun! but watch out
#personal#some comments or full on bits were like :0 i must leave. but mostly fun#and ten minutes in i was asked a woman’s perspective on something#ohhh and dude and i had completely different opinions of midsummer he was like#honestly? christen didnt do anything wrong#and it started from when he was drugged/raped and we agreeeded there#but i was like oh that’s straight wrong but he was an awful boyfriend#and he was like was he? yes he was ur insane#also got home and was like heyyyy#bc my mom just basically told me we’re going to this show on friday#which is fine i did have plans that night but i actually cancelled them before she told me#but it was like oh i gotta talk to her bc i do actively make plans and we can’t do this thing where she tells me to be somewhere and i#already bought tickets for something else#bc she has a bad habit of signing me up for things without speaking to me#which at 24 isn’t inconvenient but straight up detrimental#like i’m not 17 complaining my moms making me help clean out a house#i’m 24 and my mom is not respecting me as an adult with a full time job and life#so i’m like hey i already canceled before this and it’s for grandma#who btw is probably gonna die soon - i have no relation in serious with this woman#but she’s fine enough but i’m going to stuff with her and seeing her#to support my mom cause she just lost a husband and will lose her mom soon you know?#but i was she’s more important duh but in general in the future can you just include me in the plans#before speaking for me? bc if i bought tickets for my show that’s a waste of 40 bucks bc we didn’t talk#and during this she’s interrupting and telling me to stop bc she doesn’t want to talk about this#and she’s like stop fucking lecturing me ur not my mom#and i try to keep it calm and im like no i just want to communicate#and she’s like if you can’t go it’s fine just stop fucking acting like ur my mom#and keeps going and finishes with i don’t want to communicate with you#so i get pissed and i tell her fine if she can’t communicate don’t use my fucking name for anything#don’t loan money don’t say i’ll be there don’t use my name - extra bc she was like ig i can 50 bucks when i reminded her she owes me 260
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aromanticannibal · 8 months
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desperately trying to not be an asshole when i correct my non-native speaker friend on her frecnh
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