#some fucking BULLSHIT like WHY build his relationship with Eren like that just to make him another side character like fucking CONNIE

[thelastsirenssong]

Jean Kirstein send tweet

[zeeroweenies]

IFHY.

DESC ✿ you and eren are the worst together.

MATCHUP ✿ eren x f!reader

CW ✿ very toxic relationship ; arguing ; make up sex ; dacryphilia ; verbal abuse ; cheating/gaslighting ; impact play ; mouth spitting ; oral f → m ; rough sex turned soft ; not proofed.

WC ✿ 2K+

2:45 AM.

And it’s been six hours since Eren stormed out of your apartment off to god knows where, every one of your texts and calls asking his whereabouts being ignored or sent to voicemail.

It’s been nearly three years since you two started dating, and it’s always the same old shit. A five step cycle, really: Eren does something to piss you off and make you cry, he makes you seem like you’re in the wrong for reacting a certain way and makes you feel like shit for it, the two of you fight, fuck, and make up. Simple you could say, but not really.

8:27 PM. where are you?

9:05 PM. baby please text me back.

You don’t even remember what the cause of this fallout was, it was just that stupid. You and Eren are always getting into petty fights. Whether it be about who’s going to take the dog for a walk or something dumb either one of you said to piss each other off, you were constantly at each other’s throats. And it was tiring, repeating the same routine with Eren has seriously gotten old over the years.

But here you were, blowing up his phone afterwards and begging for him to come back like you always do. Pathetic, it really is.

12:13 AM. i’m getting really worried, eren.

12:59 AM. are you out with some bitch? answer my calls you fucking asshole!

The only thing you can remember was the loud exchange between you two, screaming at each other to the top of your lungs until you were hoarse, voices booming through the thin walls of your apartment so loud that your neighbors were bound to hear it, they always do.

You’re right up in Eren’s grill, so close and invading his personal space that he can feel the anger behind your words. “Where the fuck are you going, Eren? Do you even love me anymore?” Please say you do.

He doesn’t even answer you, his hand flying upwards to zip close his hoodie. “I’m not gonna keep putting up with your bullshit, all you do is bitch and whine about meaningless shit. I’m sick of it.”

“Then leave!” Don’t go.

A scoff falls from his lips, making you shrink a little on the inside when he says, “Say less.” Walking out of your shared apartment, the loud bang of the door slamming shut making you jump in place.

2:20 AM. if you’re gonna stay out this late don’t bother coming back.

Eren cheats on you, you know he does. But simply just knowing still doesn’t cushion the blow, especially when you allow it to happen. He flagrantly messes with other girls, behind your back and right in your face. What was wrong with you? Did he not find you sexy anymore? What do other girls have that you don’t? It’s like he doesn’t even respect you anymore, like you’re just some plaything he can throw away the moment he gets bored with you.

But your mind inevitably comes back to one question when fights like these occur: why do you let it happen?

You’re never able to come up with an answer, and just when you think you’re about to, the faint sound of keys jingling and wriggling the doorknob to reveal your boyfriend snaps you from your thoughts. Speak of the devil.

“Where have you been?” You shoot up from your place on the couch, tear stricken eyes on display and puffy from crying so hard. Your little act earning an eye roll from Eren, trudging his way to the comfort of your shared room after kicking off his sneakers.

“Eren, answer me.” You’re trailing right behind him, smaller hand attaching itself to his cotton sweater making him shake you off with a hint of annoyance.

“Don’t touch me.”

The words are so cold that they make you recoil in disbelief, brows furrowed at the fact that Eren practically treated you like a stranger on the street.

He’s already pulling night clothes from the huge dresser sitting near the foot of your bed when more tears begin to build at your eyes, clouding your vision before you gain the courage to speak again as your voice cracks. “Did you fuck someone else?”

Eren sneers at the pain evident in your voice, at the way you look so pathetic when you cry. You’re always fucking crying. Boo fucking hoo.

His shirt is halfway over his head as he pulls it off, muscles bulging as his gaze falls on you. “Since you wanna know so bad, yeah. I fucked someone else. So what? What’re you gonna do, leave? We both know that’s not happening, baby.”

A twisted feeling builds in your tummy, unable to do anything but just stand there like a brainless mummy while he goes on about the entire escapade like you’re not even there. “She was tight too. Got so fuckin’ wet when my dick was hitting her spot, you should’ve heard her screaming my name. Best pussy I’ve ever had, I swear to god.”

More tears well in the pits of your eyes but Eren doesn’t seem to have an ounce of remorse, a dead look taking over his features as he looks down on you. “Go ahead, cry. I don’t give a fuck.”

You sniffle, words almost coming out like gibberish as you cry. “You’re a piece of shit.”

He snorts, brow quirking as his face inches closer to yours. “Did you forget you cheated on me too? That you fucked around with my best friend? Or are you too fucking brain dead to remember?”

Oh yeah, that. Oops? Yes, you did cheat on Eren. But to be fair, he cheated on you first.

You’re quick to defend yourself, hand pointing your chest. “Why are you acting like I’m the one in the wrong? Like I fu—”

“Because you did fuck him, you stupid bitch!” His raucous voice along with the items knocked off of the dresser and clattering loudly onto the floor is enough to make you jump back in alarm. Eren’s always had problems with managing his temper, so naturally you were afraid. “Stop, you’re scaring me!”

Everything goes haywire. And as if you aren’t already distraught from the night’s ordeal, the next words that come out of Eren’s mouth are sure to seal the deal: “I don’t love you anymore.”

Air gets caught in your throat and all of a sudden it feels like you just got punched in the gut, like you can’t breathe. Your voice comes out small, “What?”

Both of your gazes are fixed on each other, a dead look in Eren’s emerald eyes. “I. Don’t. Love. You.” He repeats slowly, word for word to make sure you got the memo. “Do I have to fucking spell it out?”

The lids of your eyes flutter in disbelief. Once, and then twice. “I fucking hate you.”

You hate him, yet you’re on your knees choking on his cock with tears rolling down your cheeks in a stream with your nails digging marks into the backs of Eren’s thighs.

A hiss falls from his mouth when his tip touches the back of your throat, painful stinging searing through your scalp as he drags you up and down his length. “God, You know how much better you look when you shut the fuck up?” Tears wet your thick lashes as he pulls you off, your breathing ragged. “I hate you.”

It earns a rough slap to the side of your face, sending you in the other direction before he grabs your jaw with harsh force and pries it open, saliva falling onto your tongue as he spits into your mouth. “Shut the fuck up when I’m talking to you.”

“I h-hate you… so fucking much, Eren.” The dried tears on your face are replaced with new ones, a weak whine coming from your lips as he jerks you up harshly by the hair before virtually throwing you onto the plush bed like a rag doll, his huge figure towering over your body.

“Keep talking, and I’m really gonna give you something to cry about.” His tip pushes past your slick entrance before you can even say anything, mouth dropping open as he slams himself into you fully.

“You still hate me, huh? Even when I fuck you like this?” His hips angle to hit the soft spot inside you causing your nails to grip tightly at the sheets, muttering a shaky yes. Eren’s not convinced, rough hand connecting with the side of your face, making you involuntarily tighten around him.

“You’re lying. Stop that shit.” His breath is hot against your lips, setting your entire body ablaze paired with the overwhelming feeling of his cock stretching your walls so nicely.

Times like these always make you question whether Eren really loves you or not. You’ve convinced yourself that things are always going to be like this, like you’re stuck in the twilight zone or some crazy shit like that.

As much as you hated to admit it, you liked this. You like the way Eren hurts you, how he rips you apart only to piece you back together all over again.

It’s not surprising to you. He always does this, fucking with your head and your feelings only to make it better with his dick later.

Looking up into his eyes, you can almost see the guy you first fell in love with all those years ago, but he’s replaced with something so much more heinous– he doesn’t even look at you the same way he used to. No, this isn’t your Eren. You know this, and still you allow yourself to get caught up in his web.

“Do you still love me? Please, please, Eren—” You beg as your eyes shut tight, clinging onto his next words like glue. He can see it, gaze softening as his strokes increase in speed, kissing your tearful face as your whimpers fuel his lust even more.

“I love you more than anything baby, you’re all I have,” his words are sweeter than sugar in your ears as his hands hook behind your soft thighs to push them forward hitting even deeper inside of you, pulling a deep groan from him as he feels his tip hit your cervix. “I love you too,” you cry.

The look on your face is almost priceless, so pitiful hanging onto his every word. It makes him feel so powerful, the way he knows you need him and will always stay with him no matter how many times he fucks up as long as he keeps telling you these beautiful lies. “Fuck– You’re too good for me, I’m so lucky to have you.”

“Gonna cum— oh, fuck—” Eren cums at the same exact moment that you do, fucking his cum into your cunt so much that it spills out, loud squelching combined with your sweet moans against each other’s lips only making aftershocks of your orgasms that much better.

I love you, I love you, I love you, you repeat internally with each stroke Eren gives you before his hips still inside you. He collapses heavily on top of you, your hearts beating in sync while coming down from your highs. “Please stay with me, I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave.” his voice cracks, your hands flying to his now loosened bun as you rush to console him.

Often times you’ve questioned how you two were even compatible in the first place; you’re a doormat, and Eren’s attitude is more inconstant like the moon itself. The two of you together are a match made in hell, a fucked up spinoff of Romeo and Juliet.

But inevitably you always come back to one conclusion: you’ll never really leave Eren Jaeger. And as long as he needs you, you’ll need him. Shit, maybe you two really do deserve each other.

You want to cry, but it feels like all the tears you’ve had left to spare are gone, voice barely above a whisper as you hold him closer. “I will.”

🏷 @sunas-cumdump @icyoni @naoyailoveu @sems-diarie @strawbub @random-734 @briefwinnerpersonaturtle @megumitodoroki @clairedaconvict

(if your user was a dead tag i removed it, i’m sorry!)

[yodawgiherd]

Wind's howling

Rating: T

>>>Read on AO3<<<

“No….no, I’m still not feeling it. Take it off. “

“You can’t be serious. “

“Oh but I very much am. “

The make-up lady was patient, very patient in fact, but even she had limits. With an expression of total anguish, she turned towards the bald photographer.

“Dot. For god’s sake, we’ve been sitting here for the last hour trying different things, and you are still not satisfied. What the hell do you want? “

“I… don’t know! But not this, that’s for sure. “, he gave the woman a very friendly smile. “I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t work unless It’s perfect. “

She groaned, turning towards Mikasa who was perched on the stool and started dabbing her face with a wet cotton pad, removing the make-up she placed there a mere minutes ago. Behind her, Pixis started pacing around the room, muttering to himself.

“I’m sorry I’m taking so much of your time. “, Mikasa whispered, feeling the woman’s pain.

“Oh don’t be. “, she smiled at her, “You are an amazing model dear, not a word of protest or discomfort, I wish I could work with you every day. Dot….Dot is always like this. “, with a practiced motion, she wiped the eyeliner away with one sweep, “This is my job after all. “

“Mikasa, tell me, when you train, you don’t wear anything right? ��, that was Pixis asking, coming close after he finished his round around the studio.

“W-What? Of course I’m wearing clothes! “

“Oh, no, not like that. “, he grinned when he saw her blush furiously, “I mean make-up. You don’t have any when you work out right? “

“Well, of course not. Why would I? “

He snapped his fingers.

“That’s it. We are going to make the shoot without any make-up. “

The make-up artist was just about done.

“Pixis…“

“No, no, it makes perfect sense! This is a gym clothes presentation, and I aim to make it as realistic as possible! “

Model with a naked face. You know what? Fine. The girl had a really pretty complexion anyway, nicely pale skin which complimented her black hair. The artist gave up. With a last shrug, she carefully wiped everything from Mikasa’s face, leaving it completely bare, before standing up and going to sit by the door with an expression of total apathy. The model-in-making straightened herself, looking around the room. It was arranged to look a little bit like the gym, with Dot having a few men drag in actual machines. There was a punching bag, bench-press, and a few more, but somehow, she didn’t feel right at home. Maybe because of the lights everywhere and the agitated photographer running around.

“How do you want me? “, she asked, kinda eager to be done with this.

Upon hearing the slight hitch in her voice, he stopped and walked over to her, putting a supportive hand on her shoulder.

“You are still nervous, aren’t you? “

“Yes…“

“Look, Mikasa, I know that’s it’s rather cliché to say, but just be yourself. “

“But I just…“, she hugged herself, the earlier boldness she felt completely gone by now, “I don’t feel like a model. “

“Don’t feel like a model? “, he repeated after her, shaking his head, “And how is a model supposed to look like? You have a body to die for, my dear, and it’s clear to see that this, “, he gestured around himself, pointing at the gym machines, “is what you are good at, it’s something you understand. So use it. The muscles you have, don’t hide them, show them! Be proud of your work! Look, If I wanted a generic blond woman, I could pick one out of the hundreds that apply here. But those, they wouldn’t fit like you do, you are a natural for this kind of photoshoot. So please, as I said, just act like you normally do when you work out, and ill snap a few photos. That’s it. “

Following his advice, Mikasa took a deep breath and walked over to the punching bag, hitting it a few times experimentally. The clothes she had on now were similar to her normal gym wear, tight cropped top and shorts, not hindering her movements at all. And as she gave in to the routine, everything, the lights, Pixis, all of the studio simply faded into the background. Why did it matter where she was? Here, there’s a bag, punch it. Mikasa was just getting warmed up when a hand fell on her shoulder, and after she turned she could see that it was the photographer, eyes shining.

“That was amazing! The expression of perfect focus! The grace! The strength! “

“Ehm… Why did you stop me then? “

“Well, “¸ he pointed at her chest, “we need you to change clothes, I got this set covered. “

This went on for some time, with Mikasa being left to her own devices, Dot only chiming in when he needed her to dress in something different. It was…relaxing after all. There really was no pressure from anyone, just a few quick easy requests from time to time, that was it. And Mikasa, despite her expectations, found herself enjoying this. When Pixis put down the camera, calling it a day she wasn’t even winded, but looking outside she could see that the sky darkened significantly. And a new thought struck her.

Where the hell was Levi?

“It was…uhm…nice working with you…Petra. “

“Same. Be seeing you. “

And with that Petra, who he hasn’t seen since college, turned her back and left. Once he was alone, he leaned back against a wall, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. Fuck, this so was awkward. Levi really wished that he could have a cigarette right now, but there was some bullshit rule about no smoking inside and shit, so he ran a palm over his face instead. When she came through the door for the first time, they both froze. It was really her. He knew Petra back in college, she was his…friend? Sometimes he liked to think that they were about to be more. But then the stuff with Mikasa happened, Levi had to drop out, and he hasn’t seen her since. He couldn’t say anything, he just stared at her, unable to conjure any two words together. In the end, it was her who managed to move first, coming close with an outstretched hand.

“Hello, my name is Petra Ral, I’ll be your photographer today. Can we start? “

Taken back, he shook her hand, thoughts racking in his brain. Did she forget him? But if she did, why did she freeze when she came in? It made no sense. But Petra was already setting up her machine, completely ignoring him. For some reason, she just acted like she didn’t know him, and he, having no idea what to do, went along with it. She took the photos with an efficiency of a professional, talking to her model only when she had to, the camera in her hand snapping away. Levi followed every instruction she gave him as quickly as he could, and they proceeded swiftly, until she straightened and announced that they are done. And left, without another word. Fuck. To add insult to injury, he could see Mikasa approaching with some old man in tow, apparently deep in a conversation.

“…oh don’t be so modest, your ass is going to make that brand of yoga pants a best seller. And we haven’t even done the bikini yet! That reminds me, is there something else we could use? “, he was just asking.

“Well, I ride a bike…“

“Amazing! We could definitely use a new face for biker stuff, and you would look gorgeous in leather! I’ll put that on a table for Kiyomi. How about….“

But Levi just wanted to be fucking gone, the unexpected meeting turning his world upside down.

“Hey brat, you done? Can we go? “, he stepped in, rather rudely interrupting Pixis.

“Yea… Sure, ehm…“, she turned back towards Dot, “Thanks for everything, today was a lot of fun. “

Ignoring her rude midget of a brother, he smiled at her.

“Of course, anytime. I’ll be in touch! “

With that, they parted, with him going back to the studio while Mikasa came to stand next to Levi.

“What’s eating you? “, she asked, frowning.

“Nothing. Let’s just fucking bail. “, he walked away at a brisk pace, heading towards the exit. They couldn’t get out of this fucking building fast enough.

“Just act normal, please. “

“Sure, let us all forget that she broke your heart and…“

“She didn’t break anything, okay? We just ended it, it happens. “

Sasha groaned, frowning at Armin who was so pale that she wondered if there is any blood left in his face.

“I’m still going to spit in her drink though. “

“Please don’t. “

“I just don’t understand! Why would you invite her here? “

“I just…“, honestly speaking, Armin had no idea what made him call Annie and ask her if she would come to the bar. Desperation? Alcohol? Probably both. “She said that we can still be friends so…. Please? For me? “

“Fine! But you owe us. “

“Thanks Sasha, you are a doll. “, he leaned down, wrapping her in an awkward hug, but that didn’t stop her from frowning. Honestly speaking, she was very, very far from forgiving Annie, but if Armin begged them to try and do their best to act friendly towards her…. Damnit, she liked the guy too much.

It didn’t take Annie long to arrive, fidgeting with her buttons on the way in, clearly also not very comfortable. But well, promise is a promise. So Sasha wheeled herself over to her, pushing her dislike down and chattering away. With the help of drinks and the fact that she came here to work, not just stand around, the awkwardness slowly melted. It wasn’t gone, but it grew a tiny bit smaller, as everyone just sort of accepted her being there. It was surely handy that Annie was rather knowledgeable about this kind of work, filling in for Carla who had some charity stuff to do today and couldn’t be at the bar. With Eren at work and Mikasa and Levi doing god knows what for the fashion mogul, it left just Connie, Sasha, Jean, Armin and now Annie to move the work forward, even by a tiny bit.

With the day progressing, Jean was the first one to leave, saying that he has some errands to run, but both Armin and Annie continued until the sky went dark and evening came. Seeing them together, watching the teamwork they had, Sasha wondered what the hell happened between them that made them end their relationship. They just looked so good, managing to relax in each other’s presence even with the elephant in the room, making Sasha question if they truly moved past, or if they were only very good at pretending.

“I appreciate all that you did, but we are about to close. So unless you wanna sleep here, you should head out. “, she said, wheeling herself over to the pair.

“Oh, right. Erm…“, Armin scratched the back of his head while Annie played with the hammer in her lap, “We’ll be right out. “

Once outside the bar however, Armin realized that he didn’t want to part himself from Annie, not yet. Her presence just warmed him, inside out, something no one else managed to do.

“Hey, want me to show you something? “, he asked, doing his best to smile.

She nodded. And his heart fluttered.

It took them about half an hour before they reached their destination, a rooftop of one of the buildings around.

“Wow, the view is….breathtaking….“¸ she said, looking over the darkened city, with stars shining over their heads.

“We used to come here with Eren, back when we wanted a break from the world. It’s pretty relaxing wouldn’t you say? “

“Yeah….“, she leaned on the railing, and after gathering his courage, Armin followed, coming to stand next to her. Together they enjoyed the way the city was slowly lighting up with the thousands of little artificial suns. But then, then Armin looked left, and she looked right, and they saw something shining even brighter than all of those combined. When they kissed, everything, all the pain and suffering he went through was nothing compared to this feeling, because now, he felt that he matters again, that the future is bright and….

Something hard pushed against his chest. Armin staggered and fell backwards, landing on the hard ground and looking up at Annie, who was covering her mouth with one hand while staring angrily at him.

“W-What’s wrong? Annie? What…“

“Shut the fuck up. “

He had no idea what to say. Just a second ago, she was kissing him back as much as he was, and now there were tears of anger in the corners of her eyes, which she promptly blinked away. She was hurting, he could tell, he had to help her, do something…

“Annie…“

“I said, shut. The fuck. Up. “

She took a deep breath.

“I thought I can do this, but I can’t. We…can’t be friends, you understand? Armin, I wasted enough of my time on you, I don’t want to see you ever again. Don’t write. Don’t call. Don’t ever contact me again. We are done. “

Shaking her head, she took a few steps backwards before turning and running down the steps, disappearing from his view.

“Your phone is ringing brat. “

“I know. “, Mikasa glared at Levi for a second before picking up, not even looking who the caller was. “Can I help you? “

“Mikasa….Hey….“

She frowned. It was Armin, but he sounded so….down? “

“Hey Ar, what’s up? “

“Can we, uhm, talk? In person? “

“Sure thing, where you at? “

She waved at Levi who drove past her and into the city, leaving her alone.

“Do you remember the old roof where me and Eren used to come. We took you too after you guys started dating. “

“Sure, I’ll be there soon. “

Mikasa didn’t really question why he was up there. Armin was a free soul, perhaps he just needed a breath of fresh air. Taking a moment to make sure the helmet was secure on her head, Mikasa started up the engine and navigated the motorbike on the road and towards the place where her friend was. But when she parked and walked up the familiar steps, her heart jumped into her throat.

“Armin! Why are you… Armin why are you standing there? “

He turned back from the edge, behind the railing, where he was looking down into the street below, and smiled weakly.

“Hey Mikasa. You came. “

“Of course I did. Why don’t you come here so we can talk? “

But when she took a step forward he took one backwards, shaking his head. He was literally one more step away from the fall.

“No, no talking, not anymore. “

Seeing him balance on the rim of the roof, she stopped, eyes wide. What was he doing?

“Armin, please, step away from the edge. You don’t want to fall, do you? “

He barked out a laugh.

“What if I do? “

“Don’t talk like that. Please, just tell me, what’s happening? “

“It’s just… I realized something. “, he turned away from her back towards the city, watching the lights. “I’m a leech. “

“What? “

“A parasite. I’m not even a human being. Back when I was kid, I was leeching on Eren, but then he found you, and suddenly I had no host, no one to sap life from. “

“Nonsense, you are Eren’s friend not some parasite. “

“Oh please, who would want to be my friend? I’m nothing. “

“That’s not true. “

“Isn’t it? “, he barked out a laugh, “ You are an amazing fighter, now even a model, Eren is a prodigy surgeon. What am I then? Writer? We both know the best use for anything I write would be if people used the paper to wipe their asses. Oh, you are biased, because you know me, but we both can agree that its crap. And other than that, what do I have? Nothing. “

“What about the bar? The work you do here? “

“Sasha took me on only because she felt sorry for me, Connie was more than enough for her. “, he shook his head, “I’m nothing. I do nothing, just steal time from other people. I’m trash. “

Mikasa was slowly but surely uncovering the truth. There was only one person who could get Armin, who was otherwise always so happy and full of life, so down.

“This is about Annie, isn’t it? “

“No, this is about me. I can’t blame her that she realized the truth sooner than I did and understood that spending time with me is a waste. You should do the same. “

Mikasa could feel her fists balling. She had no idea what that bitch did, but this was way too far. Way too fucking far.

“Armin listen to me, you are a great guy and an amazing friend, to me, to Eren, to Connie and Sasha, hell, even my brother likes you. Uncountable times you managed to cheer us up when we felt down, helped us in need, or just was there for us when we needed someone to talk to. And we both know you are a great writer, so cut that crap. Please, don’t let Annie do this to you, come here, and let’s talk. “

The wind was howling around them.

“Looks like rain. “, he said, not looking at her, still watching the city.

Armin took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Mikasa. “

And he stepped forward.

[aitian]

June 19, 2021

Sat 3:05am

its been a long time. not much has changed, still at home. i was dreading going back to school for a long time. idk, maybe it wont be so bad. alice has been home for a few days before her residency starts. locked myself in my room tonight bc i didnt want to talk to anyone. feels rly bad that mom & alice commplain abt dad, then keep enabling his bad behavior by letting him do things that he knows will make everyone unhappy then pretending that everything is okay whenever he wants to be ok. i always felt like a mediator growing up & i still keep doing work 1-1 with everyone in this family bc they wont think abt what they need from each other & just bicker all the time. then they tell me abt it like im a little puppy or a magical imaginary friend or smth. i was having anxiety naps then was watching mick & yune & eren livestream on ultrarareos twitch. i dreamed that it was mom & dads birthday, & we all went somewhere for dinner, then alice was asking me which bar we should go to for a drink next & i was like any one is ok bc i havent gone to any & she was getting frustrated at me for not making the decision, & i was already so mad at dad, & mom was saying how the bbar isnt so different from the restaurant so why dont we stay here, so i told alice its ok to stay here too, & she got mad at me for changing the plans. felt rly bullied waking up that my dream couldnt be abt something else. i started watching twitch streams mostly bc i have no friends, & i wanted to hear someone talk, esp bc adele doesnt rly msg me & sherry is kinda gone into internet bullshit so i feel like she doesnt even rly want to hang out when we r together. i miss having queer friends, i miss thinking someone is looking out for me, wanting to see me, or wanting to know how i feel. i msged simon a few weeks ago, who i used to know of as shirley. we hung out twice, & i want to see him again, but i think he isnt so interested in me bc i am boring these days. he was very excited to meet me bc i was mysterious & intriguing but i think it died down fast. its ok. i think its better to be distant friends instead of building up the kind of resentment toward friendships i have when everyone needs me to feel good at strange times in their lives but insists on our relationship model as unimportant and transient. i hate this idea but i also rly do want to date at some point. i have so much resentment toward the thought that it is the only viable thing to do, esp for someone so unviable like me. maybe i just wanna have sex, to feel wanted for a moment, & to think that there r tangible ways to walk into the future. fucking sucks. i think i can imagine more clearly how it feels to have sex tho, & i want it. maybe i wanna top a man that feels like the earth... vast & incapable of malice, able to give & receive violence, no more precious than my own body bc we r of each other. i got a metal wand a few days ago & i get it now. it feels rly good to let the motions move me. feels more like pressing buttons tho, but i can imagine how the feelings could resonate & amplify with scent, taste, & touch. i was reading an instagram post abt how beel hooks said in an interview that sexual liberation is celibacy & i dont think shes wrong. i think it probably has something to do with that article she wrote abt tasting, or having taste for, the other. i think, for myself, i have to learn someday.. to be anarchic on the level of myself... to be full & communal within myself.. to let go of those desires to hold on forever, so tightly, so intensely, to trust... & rly be in relationship with myself & my satisfactions. it sounds antithetical to why i was interested in anarchism to begin with, that idea that i could depend on other ppl bc it is the only way that anyone hasnt died. i still think it is true, but i think it is also an idea that is going to hurt me over & over & over in ways worse than being here or not here anymore. 

theres this seed that grows in the desert. the thing is, its going to die, right? theres no way it can grow there. im thinking abt how folks like me end up here, & what comes after. i dont want to leave home. isnt that the cruelest thing to my spirit & to the physical lives of everyone who is severed from my presence? maybe that cruelness isnt so bad. the thing is, the desert is everywhere. the seed might learn to get carried in the wind toward an unfamiliar stretch of desert. whose to say if the forests of origin still exist? can succession occur in this place that has been treated as garbage? its a paradise for those desert-dwelling folks. but seeds are only here to die. it feels like punishment. i dont want to grow scales & crawl with the rest of the folks who live. they have hurt & abused & chuckled while i have been withering. i dont blame them for living, but i will not forgive & become them either. they r the ppl i have grown up being told to love, for their love sustains my short moment of being. what do ppl like me do? it doesnt matter bc they arent me. the ones who survive r the ones i feel resentful toward. they betray me, they pretend to love me as much as they love the desert, they gaslight me into wanting this life. i am not grateful. maybe if i live long enough, i will become a vibrant poison. otherwise, this refusal is retribution enough. 

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 122 Review

Finally the Marleyan and Eldian versions of history are reconciled. We see the real history for ourselves and what we learn is that the Marleyans were basically right.

You can all kiss my ass!

Look, I’m not going to mince words here: the official Marleyan history is that Ymir had a working relationship with “the devil” and together they subjugated the Marleyans.

That is exactly what happened. 

According to Eren’s grandfather, the relationship was more mutual; he described it as a contract. According to Kruger, the relationship was more one-sided; he describes Ymir in the Marleyan history as a pawn of the devil.

In any event, the devil was a real, albeit mythologized figure and Ymir worked with/under them. Is it unreasonable for the Marleyans for say this dude was the devil and leave it at that? 

Yeah, kind of, and they probably did it for propaganda reasons. But it’s not as unreasonable as you would think.

You’ve all heard of Jesus, right?

Jesus was a real person and we know that because he is mentioned in the Bible, which is in fact a historical document. Yes, the Bible says Jesus had magical powers (and that the world was created 7000 years ago) but so what? Ancient historical documents mix reality with mythology all the time. That’s the challenge of being a historian of antiquity, separating the facts from the myth.

That the Marleyan’s historical record claims this dude was the devil is not that out there.

Meanwhile, the official Eldian history is that Eldian rule was orgasmic.

It completely leaves out the raping and pillaging and other atrocities. It’s an incomplete picture. The Marleyan history is essentially the whole story.

Yes, Ymir really did cultivate the land, but this was only to the Eldian’s benefit. The Marleyan history does not contradict that. It emphasizes the atrocities, but it is implicit in the Marleyan account of history that the Eldians benefited from their dominance.

‘Cause, ya know, that’s how racism works. It’s not just a detriment to the oppressed, it benefits the oppressors.

It’s not even unreasonable to emphasize the atrocities, since they are, not to put too fine a point on it, atrocities. Building roads and bridges, by itself, is just not noteworthy. 

Why would any impartial history book mention that Ymir built roads outside of a few sentences, and even then, just to lay the ground work to explain how the Eldian Empire grew to be able to expand and conquer. 

The history of the world of SNK is first and foremost a story about a racist empire that murdered many people. 

Building roads and bridges? That’s not important. 

And as for the 1700 years of genocide, that is yet to be settled. That happened after Ymir’s death, and while we see that the Eldians conquered the world, we don’t see the details.

One thing that’s great about this chapter: many apologists for imperialism turn to excuses like how the colonialists built infrastructure and cultivated the land to justify imperialism. What SNK gets right is that the benefits of that cultivation were only enjoyed by the oppressors.

Yes, in the course of colonizing Africa, the Europeans built roads and crap, but that is a non-factor in the rightfulness of the imperialist project because those roads benefited the colonialists. And no one else.

Likewise, the benefits of Ymir’s work were only enjoyed by Eldians, which is why they remember her so fondly. Meanwhile, the Marleyans were victimized by Ymir, so they hate her.

What’s even better is that this could, maybe, hopefully, be read as a repudiation of Kruger’s dumbass line about the nature of truth.

There is truth in this world.

The Marleyan truth.

You hate to see it.

Frieda in this chapter is something of a tragic figure. She means well and just wants to give Historia some good advice, but she’s too drunk on the kool-aid to say anything helpful.

It’s true that we should all be thinking about others, but what’s been forgotten is love for ourselves in addition to love for others. A healthy relationship involves both of these things. You help people out, but always make sure to help yourself.

Ymir is literally the property of her master and is the equivalent of a tool to be used until it breaks. Her life is all about serving others. She bears the king’s children, fights the king’s enemies, and builds up the king’s empire. She was never allowed to love others, and she doesn’t even seem to have had any friends.

There’s no room for her to love herself, which is why this is a bad relationship.

You know, just to say the obvious.

One thing that’s great about SNK is that one of its morals is how bad it is to care too much about others. Caring too much, to the point you subordinate your own needs to someone else, is a kind of metaphorical enslavement.

Historia is the best example of that. Her whole character starting out was about self-sacrifice and caring about others. Her girlfriend thought she was a total idiot, and she was right.

There are other examples, though, like Mikasa gradually becoming less obsessive over Eren as the story goes on, or like the way the warriors serve Marley, which is a lot like a kind of slavery.

The series is characteristically blunt about it here, what with Ymir literally being a slave, but it’s a good moral and not an intuitive one.

The emptiness behind Frieda’s advice couldn’t be made more obvious here. As she expounds on how we need to be people who are helpful to others, we see are shown how her example, Ymir, is a literal slave. And towards the end of Frieda’s monologue, Ymir looks on at two lovers making out.

The contrast is clear. Give yourself over to others and being “loved” by them is not real love.

So this is Ymir Fritz, huh?

Another theme of this series is how lacking freedom limits your potential. Historia, once again, is a good example. Her over-caring was a burden on herself, and it kept her from truly becoming her own person. She’s in a much better place now that she’s move past that.

Eren is also kind of another example, but he’s like the incel version of it. Eren is “free” because he got swole and can just kick the ass of anyone who disagrees with him. Eren is what incel losers on Reddit dream of becoming. A chad.

He went from being a social loser to singlehandedly saving the world. From commonplace to world’s strongest. He's like the main character of an isekai anime. Pure vicarious pleasure for the stereotypical anime nerd.

Ymir is the encapsulation of this theme. She is basically a god, with incredible power. The only limit on her power is her imagination. Tragically, her imagination was so limited.

She has all this power, and she never thought to use it for herself. She used it for the king because she is his slave and that is her place in the world. She never thought otherwise.

Now Eren’s broken though to her and it looks like she and him are going to be partners in crime. Yay?

The themes of this series can be good, but there are still problems.

One theme is the inherent value of life. People deserve to live and it’s not because they possess any certain quality. People deserve to live because they are. They were born and they exist now.

Maybe their birth was mistake, but that’s ok, because people can give their own lives meaning. The meaning of life, according to SNK, is completely internal. It comes from within you.

Throughout the story, characters have devoted themselves to various things. Not all of them were bad things. Levi is devoted to Erwin. Mikasa is (was?) devoted to Eren. Armin was devoted to his dream of seeing the ocean. Rod was devoted to his belief in god.

They all tried to give meaning to their lives through external means.

But people like Historia, and, in kind of a bad way, Eren, are special because they try to find meaning through internal means.

That’s fine and all, but the problem is that Eren is the main character and his values and his example is what the series upholds.

Eren is a fighter and it’s clear he sees that as carte blanche to do whatever he thinks is right.

Killing children?

MORE LIKE FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Insubordination?

FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Pissing over his friends?

FREEDOM!!1

So, is human life inherently valuable or not?

The series tries to be about how lives matter, but also seemingly upholds this really stupid moral code where defending your own life can justify anything.

This isn’t even really a form of consequentialism. Consequentialists define goodness in terms of an action’s consequences. But, like, it’s the consequences for the world as a whole. Goodness is about what’s good for the world overall, not what’s good for me personally.

You can kill in self-defense, but there are limits. Violence should be proportionate and reasonable. And the killing itself should not be the point.

Killing most of the world is obviously not a net good for the world. Yes, the series makes humanity out to be depraved, but that’s bullshit because it is not true. People can be made to do awful or just plain stupid things by their environment, but the solution isn’t to just kill everyone.

They were born into this world, you see.

This is why there is a ten billion percent chance Eren will repudiate his way of thinking by the end of the series. Maybe as early as the next chapter. For the series to not do that would be hypocrisy.

There is no way the story is going to go with an ironic ending where Eren kills everyone and declares himself free while standing atop a pile of rubble.

SNK has employed dramatic irony before, but it has always been straightforward with its main themes. It would not resort to irony here; that would just muddle the message even more.

At this point the series is just mocking Historia fans. Ymir Fritz is also forced into pregnancy and even sits in a wooden chair just like Historia.

But I think this is actually a reason to be hopeful. This is an implicit acknowledgement of how fucking shitty Historia’s nominal situation is.

Ymir is forced to bear children and that is a manifestation of her enslavement. Historia is therefore also a slave by the story’s logic. And since this is a story about breaking free from your enslavement, Historia can only do just that and rain hellfire on the world like how Ymir Fritz seems poised to do here.

…Please?

I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but I love how they throw in a radical feminist take on Ymir Fritz’s life.

Ymir was always thinking about others, and that made her girlish, ie is an obedient slave.

Respect.