#sometimes the unique ways your brains are wired make communication really fucking hard

[agendercryptidlev]

haha wait sory follow up to the last two asks . i finally remember what the term for it is. Like, double standards. My issue with how some ppl interpret The Laios and Toshiro argument is how they kind of hold them to a diff standard of like tha fault is mostly with Toshiro for not speaking up instead of Laios because ppl see him as more oblivious in general even tho yea i mean that's fair i can also be like that sometimes!!! but its unfair that ppl say Toshiro isn't some flavour of neurodivergent too and is just like. an allistic asshole. lmao

either way i think theyre both interestingly flawed. and i enjoyed their fight and what it like meant for both of them (a big growth moment because laios like has a more understanding perspective of others' now and how like some ppl are going to be annoyed with him / how he should be more careful going forward with boundaries. and he also like . can see other ppls perspectives more in particular how toshiros sleep deprivation and lack of eating contributed to him lashing out suddenly at Laios.

and then how for Toshiro he kinda like? becomes more assertive and like doesnt just repress whatever it is he wants to say. Like the fight is super well written and interesting for both of their characters' growth so i want more ppl to kind of like /get/ that its less of a NT vs ND typa situation and more of a yeah these guys are both autistic, goin at it, and learning from their past mistakes. Getting worse before they get better at communication, that kind of stuff :]

I think this is all very valid and true and honestly this sorta fandom mini-ecosystem is really reflective of how people view neurodivergence as a whole, like there's some sorta monolith and one size fits all solution.

IDK how many people have this experience but at my elementary school they had a special daily class for the kids with "social difficulties" which basically meant they threw all the neurodiverse kids in a room and treated their different symptoms as exactly the same and were surprised when most of us HATED each other by the end. I have little to no volume control and was put next to a kid with severe noise sensitivity and yet they thought we'd get along because we both deviated from the norm. People expect there to be one true neurodivergent experience and it just doesn't work like that.

I definitely get what you mean about relating to both Laios and Toshiro and being annoyed at the mentality that you need to pick a side too, even if there is a million percent more Laios in me than Toshiro. A lot of people don't realize that people's symptoms don't follow an archetype and can have symptoms that seem to conflict with each other (I for example am a selective mute who also talks impulsively). People keep making false dichotomies with this stuff which is also where the temptation to make it into an autistic vs allistic right vs wrong thing comes in and it's a whole mess.

At the end of the day I just wish people were comfortable viewing this moment of conflict between Laios and Toshiro as a moment both of them needed to have to learn and grow, that's why they were both all bruised up at the end, neither came out as someone perfect but it's what they need to move past their differences and stuff.

That's also why I think it's so cool that there's a whole community online full of other neurodivergent folks who can all throw their own perspectives in and all that! I really enjoy hearing your perspective on Toshiro's character and I'm glad you help me think about him in ways I wouldn't have been able to on my own! :3

[tobashiarg-blog-archive]

Turns Out Being a Super Hero Is Actually Really Gay! - Chapter 7

*nervously sweating* Heeeey guys, it’s been a while huh? I’ve been busy with a lot of shit and my mental health has not been the best for my motivation. But I’m kind of sorta back on that grind and am going to try my best! So like I have a Ko-fi now so can go support me there if you’d like or if you’re interested I’m Open for Commissions! Once more I would like to thank the wonderful @sugarglider9603 and @ask-spiderverse-virgil for their endless inspiration, you two are the best! ENJOY!!!

Logan’s Suit

Patton’s Suit

Roman’s Suit

Virgil’s Suit 1 Virgil’s Suit 2

(TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of anxiety and anxiety attacks, nothing bad happens though I swear!)

Master Post

Beginning

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

“It’s true!” Roman huffed.

“No, it isn’t!” Logan groaned, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

It was training time again and the boys plus Thomas had gathered on the roof of their usual abandon building to stretch out. They have been training for about two and a half weeks now and Thomas had to admit they were learning pretty fast, a few tweaks and bumps but nothing they wouldn’t be able to catch up on. The boys were all a very smart and hard-working bunch, they complained sometimes like most teenagers do especially if Thomas punished them by making them do extra laps or push ups or something, but they did them anyways and then some. Sometimes they got a bit rowdy but they always knew how to settle down when things got serious. Of course, they still bickered a lot with each other (mainly Roman vs Logan and Virgil) but most of the times it wasn’t anything serious, like today’s topic.

“Yes, it is!” Roman said as they continued doing jumping jacks “Almost every queer person like or know the same songs!”

“Look, obviously if the song is popular most people are going to know it,” Logan scoffed “but you’re not accounting for different taste in music. It’s stereotypical to put us all under the same metaphorical umbrella because the majority know the same trashy pop song.”

“Okay, one: pop is not trashy…most pop is not trashy,” Roman stated “and two: I’m not grouping everyone into the same category, I know people have different opinions, Einstein. I’m just saying that isn’t it kind of funny that when a particular song starts to play almost every gay in a hundred foot radius will turn around and be like: Oh my god, I know that song!”

“A lot of non-queer people do that too,” Logan argued as he bent down to touch his toes “they might like that certain song as well, it isn’t exclusively for a single community.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” Roman groaned, stretching out his arms “it’s like…you play a certain song, right, and you attract certain people. The Beatles are either gunna get you those classic rockers or people raised in that era, same thing with Elvis or Selena. Play an intro to an anime and you’ll attract a lot of otakus or a song from My Fair Lady, more then likely gunna get a lot of musical geeks.”

“Is there a point to this?” Logan asked, brow arched and arms crossed.

“Hold it, Nerdlock, I’m getting to that,” Roman quipped, stretching upwards “all I’m saying is if you’re lost queer youth walking the streets of New York in a shady part of town and hear Cher’s Do You Believe In Life After Love coming from one direction and I Walk The Line by Johnny Cash coming from the other, you’re gunna more then likely follow Cher. And it may not be because you particularly like her but it’s the least likely possibility that it’ll lead you to a country sports bar full of conservative, homophobic, Trump supporters. And it’s not to say that Johnny Cash is a beloved icon among conservative, homophobic, Trump supporters but unfortunately that’s usually the crowed you attract with that type of music.”

Logan paused for a moment, frowning deeply, “But not all conservative, homophobes, Trump supporters like country music.”

“Oh my god, that’s not what I’m saying!” Roman groaned, rubbing his hands over his face.

Virgil snickered from behind them, “Forget it Princey, Logan isn’t really all that into music OR social media so most of this stuff is just gunna go over his head.”

“It just doesn’t make sense why most believe that certain groups of people like a certain genre of music,” Logan explained honestly “music is supposed to be a widespread thing that all kinds of people can listen to and enjoy.”

“Well, it’s good that you think that way Lo, music really is something that should be appreciated by all kinds of people,” Patton smiled sweetly “unfortunately not everybody thinks that way and our society has placed stereotypes on to certain types of music.”

“If we’re done questioning the morals of society and it’s god awful social norms we should continue on with our training,” Thomas pipped up, having been amused with the conversation but they really needed to get started “we’re stamina building today.”

A collective of loud groans and Virgil pipped up as their voice, “Of course, it’s fucking stamina day.”

Thomas chuckled, pulling down his mask and jumping towards the next building, “Five laps!”

---

“It seems like so long as the material makes contact with your skin it’ll turn invisible too,” Joan said, fascinated as he looked over the schematic on the computer “I wonder if it’ll work on a larger scale?”

“Let’s try baby steps first please,” Virgil murmured, nervously fidgeting on the stool he was once again sitting on with suction cup wires on his head and neck “I don’t even know how I turned myself invisible let alone other things.”

“Right, right, sorry, I’m getting a head of myself,” Joan apologized as they turned to Talyn “Any readings that may help us determine what triggers Virgil’s invisibility?”

“Hmm, so far all I’ve got is spikes of adrenalin,” Talyn informed them “which makes sense, if coming from a spider DNA then these powers would most likely be used as a defense mechanism when put in danger. Though it be useful to know if the invisibility could be triggered when not in destress or if Virgil could falsely trigger it.”

“Well, I’m always in high destress so that’s no problem.” Virgil chuckled nervously, feet swinging back and forth.

“Wait, that’s right!” Talyn exclaimed in sudden realization, though what it was Virgil didn’t know “You have anxiety right?”

Virgil corked an eyebrow, curling a bit into himself, “Yeah…why?”

Talyn stepped back a moment before continuing with a much calmer approach, “Sorry, got excited, it’s just that Thomas has anxiety too and it sometimes has a lot of effect on his powers. Over the years he’s been able to over come it and get a lot better as well as being able to use it to help him with his powers.”

“I don’t follow?” Virgil said honestly.

“When climbing walls,” Joan butted in “you have to tense your muscles a bit to help trigger the hair follicles that help you stick to things, right?”

Virgil nodded and Joan continued, “Tensing is a form of physical stress, usually the body does it when it feels stressed or in danger. But you and the others to it willingly…most times, at controlled points on your body.”

“I still don’t follow.” Virgil sighed, starting to feel very stupid right now.

“Your invisibility is triggered by a spike in adrenalin,” Talyn explained “which is due to stress, caused by being in danger. If you can artificially conger up that feeling of stress, of being in danger, you can trick your brain into that spike and maybe turn invisible.”

“But what if I can’t?” Virgil asked meekly “What if I…”

“What if you what?” Joan urged on “If you’re concerned about something please tell us Virgil, we don’t want to accidently hurt you.”

Virgil fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie, “What if I…accidently…stupidly…trigger myself to have an anxiety attack?”

“Don’t worry,” Talyn assured him, a soothing hand on Virgil’s shoulder “that’s another thing we’ll be working on as well. We’re gunna need to know your limits and what you’re comfortable with so that we can help you. But for now, me and Joan have created a temporary aid to help better control your invisibility powers.”

Joan had left to rummage through one of the work benches and came back with a metal case, carefully opening it and turning it towards Virgil. Inside siding atop spongy black foam was a Rainbow Weaver mask but this one was white with purple accents around the eyes. Talyn had been maneuvering around Virgil and removing the suction cup wires before gesturing towards the mask in the case. “Try it on.”

Virgil hesitantly reached forward, gently cradling the mask in his hands because this was most likely more then a mask and worth more then his life. He didn’t want to risk braking it and ruining all of Joan and Talyn hard work. He peeked through the opening and saw that it was just fabric, plus the lenses for the eyes. Virgil corked a suspicious eyebrow but didn’t say a word as he pushed back his hair and carefully slipped on the mask.

“How is it?” Joan asked.

Virgil shrugged, “Fine, I guess. Am I supposed to see something?”

“Not yet,” Joan replied, grabbing a nearby tablet “I have to activate it first.”

Virgil tilted his head in a very Patton like fashion, “Activate?”

Talyn nodded, “Thomas’s mask has a lot of features: telecommunication, police scanners, heat vision, night vision, and a lot of other things. You’re and the others will essentially be the same, give or take a few unique features.”

“Like helping with my invisibility?” Virgil asked dumbly, because of course he would.

“Precisely,” Joan said “what we’ve done is added a sort of mini electromagnetic pulse wave scanner to your mask. It’ll activate the exact brainwaves needed to trigger your invisibility just like we’ve been doing here with the computer but portable. Which you can activate at anytime with this button here.”

Joan carefully took Virgil’s hand, making sure it was always in Virgil’s line of sight, and guided it up towards the side of his mask. There Virgil felt tiny divots against his mask which he had not felt while holding it or while putting it on. Joan lead his finger towards a certain divot and stepped back, gesturing for Virgil to press down on it. Virgil took a breath, preparing himself for what was about to happen, closing his eyes shut and pressing the button. He didn’t really feel anything happen but by the excited noises Joan and Talyn were making he guessed that it worked and that was enough for Virgil to crack open his eyes just a bit.

“This is great!” Talyn cheered, a wide smile displayed across their face “How do you feel Virgil?”

“Uh, okay, I guess,” Virgil replied distantly, looking down at his hands and seeing nothing “kind of sort of freaking out a bit to be completely honest.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Joan said gently “you can turn it off if you want to, we just wanted to see if it worked.”

Virgil didn’t need to be told twice, hands trembling just a bit, he quickly found the button and deactivated his invisibility. He sighed out a long breath of relief, hands on his knees as he lowered down his head between them. It was still very, very disorienting not being able to see yourself and essentially not existing in the visible eyes of others. It was all very existential and Virgil really didn’t want to think about it all too long.

He felt a gentle hand rub against his back and Virgil looked up to see the smiling face of Joan and Talyn, peeking out from behind their shoulder. “You okay?”

Virgil smiled thankfully though they probably couldn’t see it through the mask so he nodded instead, “Yeah, I’m good. Just got a bit freak out is all.”

“It’s all fine,” Joan assured “you can always duck out when you need to.”

There was a pause and awkward staring, as if waiting for something.

Then Virgil giggled, “I was half waiting for Patton to say: quack-quack.”

Joan and Talyn nodded, laughing along, “Same.”

“Anyways,” Talyn continued, a fond smile still on their face “now that we’ve brought up the mask, we should tell you that the rest of your costume is almost complete…kind of.”

“Kind of?” Virgil asked, taking off the mask and ruffling his hair back to maximum messy floofness.

Joan clicked away at his computer and brought up a hyper real 3D replica of a plain white full body suit with minimal purple spiderweb accents. “We have the concept of how the interior design will be, mask software as well as heating and cooling for the body. But we don’t really have a design for the exterior. We thought it be too plain to give it to you like this so why not change it up to fit your taste. Within reason of course.”

Talyn handed Virgil a tablet with a stylist pen and gestured towards the screen, “Add whatever you want.”

Virgil chewed at the inside of his lip, looking down at the tablet then back up towards Joan and Talyn before meekly asking, “Can…can I add a hoodie?”

---

Thomas had let the group to a nearby abandon construction sight where they were quickly weaving in and out through open walls, vents, and cement tubes. The whole thing was basically a giant jungle gym, great for working on dexterity and quick reflexes. They were basically playing follow the leader, if Thomas was being honest, he maneuvered around objects in a certain way and the boys would mimic his movements as they tried to keep up.

Currently they were taking a breather and leisurely walking across large metal beams and swinging across dangling hooks. It was quiet and kind of peace, then Roman started singing, “Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!”

“So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!” The group replied without missing a beat.

Roman laughed triumphantly, poking at Logan’s shoulder, “See, see!”

Logan huffed, crossing his arms in annoyance, “That doesn’t prove anything!”

Roman slightly lifted his bootleg Rainbow Weaver mask to stick out his tongue, “Party pooper.”

---

“Think of your empathetic powers as a metaphorical muscle,” Talyn explained “it’s something that should be worked on and trained so that it can get stronger.”

“How do I do that?” Patton asked curiously “I thought it was just like I touch someone and feel whatever their feeling?”

“It’s a lot more then that,” Joan said thoughtfully as he rapidly typed away at his computer “without think about it you can just barely touch the surface of someone’s emotional state. Of course, if this person’s emotional state is heightened, be it negative or positive, it’s much easier to read. But you really concentrate and focus you’ll be able to get a deeper, more complex reading.”

“Hmm, I never thought of it like that,” Patton said “but how will I be able to practice if I have to constantly be in contact with someone? Won’t that be a little suspicious and weird?”

“Try doing an air scan.” Talyn suggested.

Patton tilted his head in confusion, “What’s that?”

“You’re an empathetic person by nature, even before the bite,” Talyn said “how were you able to tell how people felt before?”

Patton shrugged, “I didn’t really, it’s just…people sometimes have this air about them. I mean, sure there’s facial features and body language but sometimes people are good at hiding those so you have to be extra aware of them. Like you enter a room and you can feel the air tense up or feel relaxed and airy. Kind of like an aura…geez, I kind of sound like a hippy.”

“No, no, you’re right,” Joan reassured “people do have auras, just like all of you do. I’m sure you’ve noticed the waves of colors surrounding each of you. That is your aura and spider sense which you all can see because you’re on the same frequency. Everyone else is sort of invisible but you can still feel it, in a sense.”

Patton hummed thoughtfully, “I guess…can I ask you two a question?”

They both nodded, Talyn seeming particularly curious, “What’s on your mind Patton?”

“Well, I mean…” Patton began bashfully “I don’t really…get my powers.”

“You don’t get your powers?” Joan replied in a confused tone “I’m not sure I follow.”

“Like, I don’t understand why I have them,” Patton corrected before back tracking a little “I mean, I know why I have them, cause I got bit by a mutant creepy, crawly death dealer. But I don’t under why I have this power specifically. It’s kind of…not really spider related.”

Patton had originally planned to say that these powers weren’t very useful for anything hero related. Don’t get him wrong, it’s great to know how people are feeling, he liked knowing when people are having a bad day or feeling sad so that he can help cheer them up. Very useful in dealing with stubborn friends who don’t really know how to let their walls down and talk things out. But other then that it didn’t have very much use in the super hero business.

Admittingly, Patton knew he wasn’t the best here (yet) even if he did try his gosh darnest every day. But Patton knew where his abilities were and none of them were on any use to being a hero; Logan was smart and new a lot of strategy, Roman was brave and great at adapting to new situations, and Virgil stealthy and flexible. Patton was a crybaby, clumsy, naïve, scared of spiders and the dark, was way to sensitive, and honestly not that bright. He could barely keep up with the training that they’re doing plus everyone else had cool and (most importantly) useful powers to help them become heroes. All Patton could do was tell if you were happy or not and really that kind of bummed him out a bit.

Both scientists nodded in understanding, Talyn quickly typing away on their tablet, “It has to do more with your spider sense then anything else. It tells you when you’re in danger but it can also alert you to when others are in danger as well. With you it’s been amplified a bit more and is able to pick up more than just distress.”

“Remember, humans are naturally emotional and empathetic beings,” Joan explained carefully “and god only knows what the hell else Oscorps put into that thing. Being that you’re a very sensitive and empathetic person by nature the spider’s venom latched on to that trait and mutated it because it thought it best for survival.”

“Survival?” Patton asked, very, very confused now.

“Prime animal instincts is to survive,” Talyn filled in “they either adapt to their environment in order or evolve using the traits they have. Animals and insects are very sensitive to emotions since they don’t have any other way of communication other then body language. So, your empathy is actually really natural and could potentially become a great asset in missions.”

“Really?” Patton said excitingly, a fiery determination in his eyes.

Joan smiled at the teen’s enthusiasm, “Absolutely, if you can build up your power strong enough to the point where you don’t have to be in physical contact with someone to sense them, you can essentially use it as a sort of echo location. Great for stealth missions.”

“What can I do to help build it up faster?” Patton asked enthusiastically.

“Take it slow,” Talyn warned “you could really hurt yourself if you push yourself too far. Like I said before: think of your powers like a muscle. You slowly build it up over time so that it can properly and safely carry the weight you want it to. If you dump that weight all in one go you could end up hurting yourself.”

Patton bit his lip ashamed, “Sorry, I, uh, got excited.”

“It’s fine,” Talyn soothed “it’s fine to get excited but you also have to remember that you all are still training. Still new to all of this, so you have to be careful because not only could you hurt yourselves but you could also accidently hurt others around you.”

“We just want to make sure that everybody is safe,” Joan added “there’s no need to rush into things. Take it at your own pace and I can guarantee you that your powers will flourish naturally on their own.”

Patton gave them both a small appreciative smile, their words did make him feel a little better about himself. He found comfort in knowing he’ll be able to contribute to the team even just a little, but even so he’ll work extra hard to be the best hero he can be. “Where should I start?”

“Try to sense the people in the house,” Talyn suggested “take a deep breath, close your eyes, and try to focus on the energy around you. See if you can try and distinguish each person from their aura, though it might be a bit harder to catch on to mine and Joan’s aura since we’re fully human.”

“I’ll bring up the security cameras on screen to see if you’re right or wrong,” Joan said “though knowing their location isn’t the important part, it’s weather you can sense them or not.”

“Alright, let’s try it.” Patton said with a determined nod, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath just like Talyn had said. A few moments passed before Patton peeked open an eye, “I don’t think it’s working.”

“It’s gunna take a minute,” Joan explained “remember you can’t rush into it, take your time and ease yourself into it.”

Patton nodded again, reclosing his eyes and taking a much slower breath, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. The world became dark and quiet around him but Patton wasn’t scared, he instead focused on the energy curled up inside his chest and let it seep out in every direction. It stretched and curled around the room, not really sure where it was supposed to go, until it finally hit something, two somethings actually. They were a bit fuzzy but Patton was soon able to see a warm, bright orange figure with swirls of soft browns stood a few feet in front of him, along side a neon magenta figure with electric pops of black, neon green and blue.

“I can see you guys!” Patton exclaimed, excitingly wiggling in his chair “You’re so colorful!”

“What else can you see?” Talyn’s voice urged on curiously.

Patton focused a bit more, his energy stretching out and winding up stairs in endless directions until it hit something else. Swirls of dark blues with dots of bright grey that light up like a galaxy of stars, humming like a soothing melody, it was so beautiful. Patton cheeks warmed and a smile appeared across his face, “I think I found Logan, he seems to be in the living room, probably reading. Thomas has a little reading nook by the window that he likes to occupy when he isn’t busy with training or homework.”

He heard a fond chuckle from both of them before Joan asked him to continue, “Can you find the others?”

Reluctantly, Patton pulled himself away from Logan’s aura, his mind still tingling with buzzing warmth as it moved on towards other places. He felt it stop at the kitchen where it bumped into two more figures, one a bright sheen of white with streaks of red and gold, dramatically dancing and singing, the other a dark storm of blacks and purples and white lighting that felt cozy to listen to. Patton giggled, “Roman and Virgil are in the kitchen, more then likely arguing about something or another. Their auras seemed pretty riled up so it’s more likely they’re arguing about Disney again.”

“All that leaves is Thomas,” Joan said “you think you can do it? Or would you rather take a brake now?”

“No, I’m fine,” Patton assured “I think I can find him, let me see…”

He let his energy freely float around the entire first floor but still he could not find Thomas anywhere. After collecting himself a bit Patton twisted himself towards the second flight of stairs up to the second floor. He spread himself out once more looking through every nook and cranny each room and hallway had to offer but still no sign of his mentor. Collecting himself once more Patton decided he should try going further up, weaving through the attic and up to the roof where he was hit with a burst of technicolor.

“Found him,” Patton announced, giggling at the rainbow light show displaying behind his eyelids “he’s like a homing beacon you light up when it gets super foggy. I was wondering why I hadn’t been able to find him sooner, turns out he’s just on the roof. He feels…a little down.”

“It’s like that sometimes,” Talyn sighed sadly “he’ll sometimes go up there to clear his head. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine when he comes down, just needs a bit of space right now. You can open your eyes now, be make sure to ease out of it slowly. The state you’re in is very open and delicate and we don’t want you to get overwhelmed by all your senses.”

Patton nodded, his energy collecting back into himself and slowly slinking his way down, down, down, from the roof, the attic, the second floor, the first floor, down the stairs, and back to the basement. He took another slow breath; in for four, hold for seven, out for eight…and slowly let his senses fully comeback to him. He could feel the world around him move once more, becoming more lively and clear instead of a muffled echo. Carefully and slowly Patton opened his eyes to find Joan and Talyn in the same spots, staring at him curiously.

“Did…did I do good?” Patton asked shyly.

“You did amazing!” Joan smiled, stepping aside to show the computer screen which displayed which displayed different sections of the house through black and white security cameras. Three of them were brought forward for closer inspection and as predicted Logan was in the living room reading by the nook, Roman and Virgil were in the kitchen and looked to be in a very heated debate about something, and Thomas was lounging on the roof, looking off towards the city skyline. “Even better we previously predicted!”

“And that’s because your powers are fairly new and haven’t been practiced on much,” Talyn added proudly “imagine what else you could do with them, even just a little bit of training.”

Patton flushed a deep crimson, shyly coving up his smile with the neck of his shirt, “I mean…I did okay, I guess.”

“Hey,” Joan said softly, placing a firm hand on Patton’s shoulder “give yourself credit where credit is due. You can do this Patton, you’re capable of so much more then you think.”

“Aw geez, thanks you guys.” Patton muttered bashfully, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“Now, on to more fun business,” Talyn clapped their hands excitedly as they reached for another tablet along with a styles. The computer behind them displayed a 3-D design of a plain white spider suite with pink web accents. “We’ve finished calibrating all the equipment you’ll need fitted for your suit but we decided that each of you will design the exterior. Put in a little bit of yourselves in the costumes you’ll wear, add on anything you want. Within reason of course.”

“Can I not have a spider logo on it?” Patton asked hesitantly “I mean I’m fine with the spiderwebs but not with the spider.”

Joan nodded, “That’s fine, anything else?”

Patton thought for a moment before beginning to doodle over the image on the tablet, “Can I wear a hat?”

---

They moved on to wall climbing now, nothing too fancy, very much like running laps except that they’re climbing up and down the side of a building. First, they climbed forwards, then backwards, then sideways, just to make sure they were proficient in every angle. It was actually really boring but Thomas told them it was something that was necessary so that they can get use to sticking and unsticking to stuff. He told them that just like walking wall climbing should become second nature to them so they’ll have a much better time controlling what they’ll be able to stick to.

Right now, they were learning how to walk up the side of the building without using their hands. It looked much easier than it actually was, your body had to be stiff and tense so that it could hold itself up because gravity wanted to pull the rest of you down. It had the same feeling as if you were climbing up hill with a ton of rocks strapped to your back.

But even with all the moaning and groaning that came with the strain of walking sideways up a building, Roman still had enough energy and focus in him to sing, “I get so emotional, baby!”

“Every time I think of you!” The group sang back, almost instinctively, even as some of them momentarily lost their balance.

Roman snickered while Logan rolled his eyes as he re-centered himself, “It’s a popular song Roman, of course a lot of people are going to know it!”

---

“Let’s try something,” Joan said as they lined up a few glass bottles on a table a few feet across where Roman was sitting, once more attached to suction cup wires. “Your vocal projection powers are very spread out, when activated the sound disperses throughout the entire room. But I want to see if you can train it to focus on one point, that way you can have a little bit more control over it.”

“How would I go about doing that?” Roman asked, absentmindedly tugging on one of the suction cup wires. Talyn gently swatted his hand away and gave him a friendly smile, “Taking a breath first would do you well, you seem a bit nervous.”

“Whaaaat? Me nervous? Never!” Roman scoffed flippantly before meekly ducking his head when both scientists gave him an unconvinced look “Okay…maybe a little.”

“It’s okay be to be uneasy Roman,” Joan said soothingly, walking forward to place a hand on the teen’s shoulder “these are brand new things happening to your body all at once. It’s okay for it to be a little scary, just know that we’re here to help you through it. Which means we need to know when you’re uncomfortable so we know where your limit is. The absolute last thing we want is to unintentionally hurt you.”

Roman bit his bottom lip nervously, eyes down casted as he fidgeted in his chair, “I mean, isn’t the whole point of this plus the training about me being able to go past my limit? Superheroes aren’t meant to have limits or walls and stuff, right?”

“Yeah, no, unfortunately that is a very common misconception,” Joan said with a frown “remember, behind the mask heroes are still people just like everybody else.”

“Plus, weather you like it or not, you’re still a kid,” Talyn added firmly “you’re still growing and learning about things and how to live life. This responsibility you boys have is going to make you grow up so fast it’s not even funny. So, you’re gunna have to be care in everything you do, know your limits and learn when to duck out if needed.”

“It’s absolutely okay not to be perfect at everything,” Joan said gently “you’re still human.”

“Thomas said that people don’t take too kindly when heroes make mistakes,” Roman mumbled nervously “I just…I don’t want to let anybody down. Even if I am young and stupid and reckless, I want to show people that they can count on me and that I’m able to do things without fucking them up.”

“That’s another unfortunate truth to being a superhero,” Joan sighed tiredly, rubbing the back of their neck “though I don’t think Thomas said that to discourage you, more as a warning. He doesn’t want you boys to get hurt, be it physically or emotionally, the public’s words can be…harsh.”

It was quiet for a moment, Roman chewing at the inside of his cheek as he thought over their conversation. He wasn’t an official superhero yet but as time when on and their training progressed Roman, admittingly, was getting a bit nervous. Thomas, Rainbow Weaver, both, were these huge inspirations to the world. One brought joy through entertainment and activism and the other saved lives on the daily, both were idols and had enormous shoes to fill. Though Roman knew he shouldn’t be comparing himself to Thomas since the older man had a lot more years under his belt but it was still difficult. Roman wanted to be a hero that everybody would be proud of, that Thomas would be proud of…that his dad could be proud of.

“Do you think…” Roman took a deep steady breath, calming his racing mind before asking “…do you think everybody will hate me at one point?”

“Probably,” Talyn said with a melancholy smile “like Joan said: public opinion can be very harsh. But so long as you know that you’re doing good that’s all that should really matter. It’ll be difficult but thankfully you boy all have one advantage.”

“What’s that?” Roman asked curiously.

“You have each other,” Joan helpfully provided, a bit of enthusiasm behind their voice “you’re not alone in this, remember that.”

Roman shrugged, a soft smile appearing on his face, “Eh, I guess so.”

“Shall we move on to our experiment?” Talyn asked gently “Or do you need a bit more time?”

“Mmh, I’m good to go if you two are,” Roman hummed thoughtfully “plus, I think I thought of something that might help.”

“By all means, go right ahead.” Joan said, stepping away from the table lined with bottles and standing next to Talyn behind Roman.

Roman stared at the bottles with full concentration, taking a couple of deep breaths before a sharp high-pitched whistle was heard. A gust of wind blew in their faces as the sound traveled right through the center of the table, shattering three bottles. Roman grimaced, “Sorry, I tried to aim for just one but…”

“No, no, this is great!” Talyn exclaimed excitedly, patting his shoulder “We totally forgot that pitch and range have a lot to do vocal precision. Whistling is a much more easier to controlled then vocal range, which is why the last time you used these powers it got a bit out of control. You were dispersing the sound waves all over the place because you sang in a much wider range of sound unlike right now where it was more controlled.”

“Oh, well I was just kind of thinking that whistling was more like…” Roman gestured forward with his hand “…an arrow that could shoot straight ahead while riffing was more…earthquake-y?”

“Yeah, that’s basically what Talyn was saying,” Joan chuckled, ruffling over Roman’s hair “but the fact that you were able to come up with that conclusion on your own is very impressive.”

Roman smiled shyly, a swell of pride bloomed throughout his chest, “Yeah, well, I was mainly just thinking back to my vocal lessons in theater class and how Mr. Bell used to teach us about projection and controlled range.”

“Well, there’s another thing we’ll need to study up on,” Talyn said with a weary smile “maybe Thomas can help us, he did double major with theater.”

“True,” Joan nodded before turning back to Roman “you think you could try hitting the rest of these bottles?”

Roman nodded with confidence, “Absolutely.”

They spent the rest of their time running more test with Roman and how wide of a range his sonic wave could be. It could go from bullet precision to catastrophic earthquake levels of damage. They also tried to figure out what triggered would trigger the power to activate but were unsuccessful in their findings. So they left it dormant once more until Roman could have enough control over it so that he won’t accidently blow out the speakers in the theater or cause a building to collapse while singing in the shower. By the end of it Roman was able to shatter each bottle individuating and was very proud of himself for accomplishing that goal.

“I think we have sufficient data for today,” Talyn said as they reached over to grab another tablet and styles pen “now for the fun part.”

Roman was handed over the items before being gestured to look at the computer screen in front of him which displayed a 3-D model of a white spider suit with red web accents. Roman wiggled in excitement, “Is that my suit?”

“Not quite,” Joan said with an enthusiastic glimmer in his eyes “the internal structure is finished but the outside still needs to be designed. So long as it’s within reason you can add anything you want.”

“Anything I want?” Roman smiled mischievously with a tone that sounded like trouble.

“Within reason.” Joan repeated with a raised eyebrow.

Roman thought a moment before that mischievous smirk returned to his face, “Boots?”

“Sure, why not?” Talyn shrugged, though they knew that wasn’t the end of it, not by a long shot.

“Gold boots with red accents?” Roman asked.

“Doable.” Joan nodded.

“Roses?” Roman hummed, tapping his chin with the styles pen as he doodled over the blank canvas that would soon be his suit.

“Real or designed on the suit?” Talyn questioned.

“Designed on the suit, duh,” Roman said as he sketched out another idea “what am I gunna do with real roses?”

“Throw it around like confetti?” Joan chuckled.

“Don’t tempt me,” Roman smirked “what about a cape?”

“Why do you want a cape?” Talyn asked “It’s like the least useful accessory you could ever have!”

“Thomas has a cape.” Roman countered.

“They’re gliders!” Joan exclaimed, irritation clear on their face “I’ve been arguing with people for years on this, I’m not gunna start again! They’re gliders end of story.”

Roman huffed out a laugh, “Okay geez, but still can I have a cape?”

“I draw the line at capes,” Talyn said firmly “they serve no purpose what so ever! Absolutely useless!”

“Come on!” Roman whined “They’re super cool though!”

“Have you not seen the Incredibles?” Joan said desperately “Those things are a fucking death trap!”

“Then I’ll die looking fabulous!” Roman said stubbornly.

“Look,” Talyn sighed tiredly “how ‘bout we replace the cape with a vest that has a long-ish tail and throw in an anime scarf, deal?”

Roman frowned, silently thinking over his options before a sly smirk slid across his face and he stuck out his hand to shake, “Deal.”

Joan and Talyn glared at him suspiciously, “You bamboozled us, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I kind of did.” Roman giggled.

---

Thomas has slowly been teaching them how to use the web shooters, there apparently was a lot more to them then just shoot and swing. They had projectiles, pre made netting, extra sticky, different densities, and even an exploding one! (Thomas said that it was only to be used in absolutely desperate situations) In other words, it was much more complex then the boys had previously thought. Since Roman and Virgil could produce their own webbing they only had to work with the web shooters about half the time, the other half working with their natural webbing. But Thomas had told them that it was better for them to use artificial webbing instead of their own because they’d tier out quicker otherwise.

Currently they were doing what Thomas called reverse rope climbs, where they’d shoot a string of web up on the ceiling and retract it back in to pull themselves up before letting it back out and slowly lowering themselves down. Again, seemed simple enough but it was actually hell to do in real life. Still, the boys were getting better as their training continued on, shooting with more accuracy then when they first started out and a bit more muscle on them so that they could hold on longer.

And of course, this was absolutely the perfect moment for Roman to burst out into song, “Let’s have a kiki, I wanna have a kiki!”

“Lock the doors tight!” They all replied.

“Let’s have a kiki!” Patton chimed in.

“Motherfucker.” Virgil mumbled.

“I’m gunna let you have it!” Thomas sang.

Logan gave a sideways glare towards Roman who smiled haughtily in his direction. He merely shook his head in reply, ignoring the theatrical teen’s antics and continued to climb up his web rope. Roman pouted, calling up to him, “Just admit I’m right!”

“I rather chew off my own foot!” Logan called back.

---

Logan didn’t really have much to work on power wise, which he was fine with, night vision didn’t require a lot of training. Though it did make remembering to turn ON the lights at home a bit difficult, his parents have caught him reading in the dark a couple times. But other than that, there wasn’t much for Logan to work on, so why did Joan and Talyn call for them to meet one on one?

He knew about the other’s extra training with them so that they could better understand and control their new powers. But as far as Logan knew he was perfectly fine in that area and Thomas could probably teach him all that he needed to know. Yet still they called for him.

“So,” Joan began, wiggling a finger in front of Logan’s face “a little birdy told us that you hacked into the US Pentagon when you were in 7th grade.”

Logan flushed pink, nervously straightening out his tie, “Technically, it was me AND Morgan but…who told you that? Was it Virgil?” Logan muttered under his breath “Asshole, I swore him to secrecy! And so did the FBI!”

“Don’t worry, we have our own way of finding out things,” Talyn chuckled “but that’s quite impressive, even if you did have help. Me and Joan couldn’t hack the Pentagon until senior year of high school.”

Logan shrugged, “Everybody has hacked the Pentagon once in their life, they have a very flimsy security system. You’d think they’d learn to beef up their security after being hacked so many times but sadly no. I have no idea how they keep functioning like this.”

“I’m pretty sure Tony Stark had something to do with it,” Joan theorized “he’s hacked into the Pentagon enough times to know what’s going on in there. Probably installed a secret security system to encrypt the REALLY important stuff.”

“It’s possible,” Logan said thoughtfully “unless the Pentagon is just a coverup to distract from the real secrets hidden away elsewhere.” He paused, remembering the question he previously wanted to ask “Other than discussing the Pentagon’s atrocious security system, uh, why was I called down here. Have I done something wrong?”

“No, not at all,” Talyn assured “on the contrary, we brought up the Pentagon situation because we thought you could help us with a little…project of ours.”

“Project?” Logan asked, a small hint of excitement in his voice “What kind of project?”

“Well, remember when we brought up Tony Stark?” Joan said as he rapidly typed away on the large computer, bringing up the Stark Industries’ website.

Logan’s eyes widen in shock, “You want me to hack into Stark Industries?”

“Not exactly,” Joan said “we’re using Stark Industries as more of a back door to enter into the SHEILD data base and using that as a back door to enter into the Avengers’ data base.”

“Why go through all the trouble of hacking through Stark and SHEILD?” Logan asked curiously “Wouldn’t it be easier to just head hack into the Avengers’ data base since up front? I mean it is the end goal to all of this is it not?”

“We thought so too,” Talyn began to explain, bringing up a diagram of sorts on screen “at first we had thought that all three industries were separate since they were three different companies. And that used to be the case until that whole Hydra fiasco a few years back, long story short they now all function with Stark technology.”

“And we all know how well Stark’s security system runs,” Joan added, gesturing towards the diagram, a large circle with a smaller circle inside going inside of smaller circles and so on “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but think of it as an onion and we all know that onions have layers. Before we can even think about snooping through the Avengers’ files and data logs, we have to go through Stark’s security system then SHIELD’s security system then finally the Avengers’ security system.”

Logan nodded in understanding but he still had more questions, “Why do you want to look thru the Avengers’ data base?”

Talyn gave him a forced smile, irritation clearly visible on their face but it was not directed at Logan, “Let’s just say that Tony Stark has a way of pissing off the wrong people-”

“They mean us.” Joan said honestly.

Talyn continued without waiting, “…and he sometimes has to be reminded that his actions have consequences and he’s not the only genius in the world.”

“He hacked into our system and copied some data about Rainbow Weaver so that he can file and save it for SHEILD and maybe the Avengers protocol,” Joan filled in “honestly, he could have just asked us and we probably would have given it to him because it’s the Avengers. If they ever need an extra set of helping hands we would have been on tab for them but no! Tony Stark can’t ask for ANYTHING to be handed to him so he has to be a little shit!”

“So, this is a revenge plan?” Logan questioned, trying to see if he had all the facts right.

Talyn shrugged nonchalantly, “Yeah, pretty much. We understand if you don’t wan-”

“Okay.” Logan cut in with a small shrug of his own.

“Okay, what?” Joan and Talyn asked tentatively.

“I’ll help you.” Logan replied coolly.

“Really?” The duo exclaimed in surprise.

Logan shrugged again before giving them a mischievous smile, “Truth be told I’ve always wanted to see what the inside of Stark’s security system looks like. Figure out how everything works and all.”

Talyn fist pumped the air, “Yes! We’re coming to get you Stark! You Gucci sunglasses wearing mother fucker!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s Prada.” Joan said.

“Actually, it’s Chopard.” Logan corrected, already having rolled up his sleeves as he rapidly typed away at the key board of the large main computer. “I see that he’s been using the Lava Lamp coding technique, so this is going to take a while.”

“You’re telling me,” Talyn replied, sitting next to him with their own tablet connected to the computer “there’s not goddamn pattern with this type of coding, it’s a pain in the ass!”

“Don’t you two use a similar kind of coding with your system?” Logan asked “How was he able to hack into it?”

“That’s another thing we’re trying to find out,” Joan said, sitting on Logan’s other side with a laptop “though I’m pretty sure he had that stupid AI of his do it for him.”

“Ah yes, he has an AI controlling his system,” Logan said thoughtfully “that’ll be even more tricky to get around. I had read an article discussing his AI and how he programed it and the article said that it was the most advanced AI in the world, it even passed the Turing test.”

“No need to discourage us even more.” Joan half joked.

“No, not discouraging just…” Logan paused a moment, thinking deeply “…what would you think would happen if an AI and an AI stopped to talk to each other.”

“Not sure I’m following.” Talyn admitted.

“Yeah, I’m kind of lost here too.” Joan added.

“We could go at it from all angles and it would still be able to catch us,” Logan explained “but if we have, say, an AI of our own Stark’s AI will be forced to overt all of it’s attention towards it because it’s supposedly a major threat. Meanwhile, we would have a chance to sneak passed it, find an encryption key and bypass all the barriers with ease.”

“I guess that could work,” Joan said “but that means we’d have to build an entire AI from scratch that is equal to that of Stark’s AI. And that’s another tedious thing all by itself.”

“And that could take months, maybe even years, to code and build,” Talyn added “at this point I think it’s better to make a mess of ourselves and cause chaos throughout Stark’s system then take on a task that’ll slow us down immensely.”

“Not quite,” Logan said distantly, rapidly typing over the key board once again “if I can find the base coding Stark used to build his AI I can ultimately use it as a structure to make one for ourselves.”

“How would we even go about doing that?” Joan asked curiously.

“Fake virus,” Logan said simply “the system will pull me in to be terminated but of course it won’t work at first so I’ll have time to look around until the system updates itself and finds out how to properly get rid of me.”

“Then why couldn’t we just use that to hack into the system?” Talyn asked.

“Because the coding I use for it is pretty weak and flimsy since it’s only meant for quick in and out missions,” Logan explained “I wouldn’t be able to make a strong enough overlayer to disguise us long enough without rising a lot of suspicion and having the entire AI’s security system on my ass.”

They both nodded and waited for Logan to continue, “But if I’m able to find at least the majority of Stark’s AI’s base coding we’ll be able to use it as we’ll be able to use it as a structure to build our AI around and have it done in, say, a few weeks.”

“So, essentially, we’ll be using his own work against him?” Talyn asked.

Logan smiled slyly, “Essentially, yes.”

Talyn slung their arm over Logan’s shoulder and gave him a hardy squeeze, “You absolute, evil little genius! Where have you been all my life?”

“It’s no wonder you’re on the FBI watch list.” Joan chuckled good-naturedly, ruffling Logan’s hair.

“Speaking of which, this won’t be going on my record right?” Logan asked pointedly.

“Oh, don’t worry we’re government funded,” Talyn explained “technically we’re higher ranked then the FBI so you’re good so long as you have our permission and we’re here supervise.”

“Excellent,” Logan cheered softly “this’ll take but a moment. And afterwards…may I ask a favor from both of you as well?”

“If you can help us do this, we’ll get you anything you want,” Joan offered dramatically “you want access to Area 51? Boom! We’ll get you that access!”

Logan chuckled softly, shaking his head, “No thank you, though the offer is tempting. I was just wondering if you two could help me with a little project of my own.”

“Sure, what is it?” Talyn asked.

“Uh, well,” Logan kneeled to rummage through his backpack, coming back ups with a worn-down spiral notebook stuffed with notes “so, I heard that we would be personalizing our costumes and I was wondering if I could add something?”

He opened the note book and flipped through several pages before stopping at a particular set of notes. There was a sketch of four robotic spider limbs coming out from a mechanical looking back pack, along with more notes that explained how it would function. Joan and Talyn took turns looking over the notes as Logan silently continued his work, unknowingly holding his breath in anticipation. Once he was finished and had gotten all the data he needed Logan turned back towards the two scientists who’ve been suspiciously quiet the entire time.

They were still looking through Logan’s note book, past his spider leg design and skimming through the rest of his notes from different projects. Logan fidgeted nervously, they both seemed so intense while looking through his notes and Logan couldn’t help but wonder if they were unimpressed by them. Most of his projects were theoretical because he would never in his life have the funding to actually build them, so he wasn’t sure if any of them were even possible. That included the spider leg design he made, he had spent weeks rewriting the design and scale and mechanisms that would go with it. He wanted to make absolutely sure that they would be possible to build, but he had no way to test them so he only had his mind and imagination to help him through it.

Joan and Talyn were world renowned robotic and biological engineers that were government funded to help their best friend watch over Manhattan. They were creators of amazing technology they built themselves that take inspiration from many other famous scientists but is still uniquely theirs. They were just…really cool and Logan kind of sort of looked up to them just as much as he looked up to Thomas, so he really, really wanted to impress them.

Joan was the first to speak, smiling big and wide, “Logan, these are incredible!”

“Did you design these all yourself?” Talyn exclaimed, eyes glittering in awe and excitement.

Logan blushed, bashfully rubbing at his wrists as he tried to give a nonchalant shrug, “Yes…but I haven’t really built or tested most of them so I’m not sure they’re even remotely possible.”

“Oh, anything is possible if you’re stubborn enough,” Joan quipped “what I’m more impressed with is how accurately structured these are, especially since you haven’t tested any of them. Like, we can’t even come up with stuff this precise without fucking up a few prototypes.”

“How were you able to do all this?” Talyn asked “Did you run it through a program to test it through at least digitally?”

“Uh, no,” Logan said, a shy smile appearing on his face “I just kind of, think about it in my head and write down how I think the structure and dimension would be like.”

“All in your head?” Talyn gasped in awe, Logan nodded and they squealed in excitement “Logan, that’s amazing!”

Logan didn’t think his face could get any redder, nor did he think the fluttery feeling in his chest could get any warmer. He wasn’t really used to being praised so openly and with such enthusiasm, it felt…nice. Really nice, and Logan just wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long as he could.

---

They were taking a brake on a nearby roof, Thomas having provided drinks and snacks like always. The weather was starting to get colder as September reached its peak but thankfully today was just the right amount of breezy to cool down their over heated bodies. It was quiet, nothing but the breeze and bustle of the city as background noise while the group munched away on their snacks and silently enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice, very relaxing.

And of course, Roman had to ruin it, “You are my fire!”

“Oh my god!” Logan groaned, flopping onto his back.

“The one desire!” Patton chimed in enthusiastically.

“Seriously!” Logan said, exasperated.

“Believe when I say!” Thomas sang with a laugh.

“It’s Backstreet Boys!” Logan exclaimed “Everybody knows Backstreet Boys!”

“I want it that way!” Virgil cackled while Logan glared at him in betrayal “Virgil, I trusted you!”

Roman jumped up to his feet to strike a pose, “Tell me why!”

“Ain't nothin' but a heartache!” The other three joined in with him and Logan could only lay star fished on the ground hoping he look dead to the world.

“Tell me why!”

“Ain't nothin' but a mistake!”

“Tell me why!” Roman pointed an invisible mike down towards Logan who sighed and mumbled in reply “I never want to hear you say…”

“Whoa!” Roman cheered.

“I want it that way!” They finished with a dramatic group pose kneeling around Logan.

“I hope all of you know that you’ve officially wasted thirty whole seconds of my life,” Logan grumbled “I’m thirty more seconds closer to death, are you all happy?”

“Drama queen.” Roman snickered.

---

Thomas watched amusingly as Joan and Talyn moved back and forth between the boys’ suits, putting on the finishing touches. He was brought in to provide a third opinion on weather or not the boys would like them. Obviously, they would and Thomas said just that but for some reason Joan and Talyn kept fretting over them, adding this or recalibrating that or “do you think it be a bit too constricting in the chest area for Roman?” or “Virgil gets cold really easily, make sure the thermal software is working properly!” or “make sure the pants on the suit fit Logan well, that boys got legs for days and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable!” or “I noticed that Patton’s feet are a bit flat so I added extra cushion in the shoe to help him out a bit!” And so on and so forth.

“What’s with the face?” Joan asked, as they fiddled with the pack attached to Logan’s suit which held four long, metallic spider legs.

“Oh nothing,” Thomas replied smugly “just irony.”

Talyn gave him a raised eyebrow, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you two are a bunch so hypocrites,” Thomas snickered “you guys kept giving me shit for being maternal and being manipulated by puppy dog eyes yet here you two are giving them state of the art suits that are probably MUCH more advanced than mine.”

“Yeah, well they’re kids!” Talyn countered “Didn’t we want them to be safe? We’re just upgrading the suits a little bit and adding a few extra safety precautions.”

“Does Roman really need that long ass anime scarf and tail coat?” Thomas asked with a smirk.

They were quiet for a moment before Joan dramatically exclaimed, “He bamboozled us!”

Thomas stuck out his pinky and twirled it around, “Wrapped around their little finger, all of us, we never stood a chance against them.”

Talyn sighed in defeat, “Tell me about it. Anyways, I think we’re about done with the suits. What do you think? Think the boys will like them?”

Thomas could definitely tell who each suit belonged too, they were all so uniquely different and specifically fitted to their person. Virgil’s suit was a mix of violet along his arms, legs, and waist, and white with a hint of lavender. The top part was like a baggy hoodie but still meshed flawlessly with the rest of the suit and of course the shoes were purple ballet slippers tied up with ribbon. Patton’s suit was mixed with various shades of pink, minimal web design and absolutely covered in hearts. There was a pink baseball cap attached on top of his mask, a ribbon tied around his waist, and a pink cardigan wrapped around his shoulders. Roman’s suit was just as dramatic as he was; white with accents of red and gold, ruffled sleeves, and of course the long tail coat and scarf. He had an intricately designed half mask which didn’t cover over his hair and held a reddish gold feather on the side of his head. Logan’s suit was the most technologically advanced and also the most formal looking, with mixes of dark blue. Of course, he had a tie and a practical half mask as well, and the spider legs attached to the back reminded Thomas of that little alien from Invader Zim who had a similar looking set.

Over all, these suites were absolutely amazing, Thomas smiled proudly at his friends, “They’re gunna love them!”

Songs Sung:

Wannabe by Spice Girls

So Emotional by Whitney Houston

Let's Have A Kiki by Scissor Sisters

I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys

Tags: (sorry if it doesn’t work, Tumblr is stupid)

@immortaldystopia @metaphoricalpluto2 @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @misunderstood-shadow @fairytailtwists @0callmevirge0 @blenderkit17 @galaxy-lilies-main @lumi-1 @paint-in-flames @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing @superwholocked-for-life @generalfandomfabulousness @oakskull @scarletnoiryt @softnic @asiagotea3890 @enteryourfandomhere @saltwithrandomfandoms @ninjago2020 @average-human @hecksupremeart @teepee-honesty @perfectly-precautiously-gay @a-weirdo-with-a-computer @itsashtronomy @khadij-al-kubra @maryjanewolf @icequeenoriginal @ocs-and-chapters @lilyfond @palepanfandomtrash @always-in-a-fandom @boxofsushi @hellomusicalnerdhere @archiee42 @atseipl

[ultralifehackerguru-blog]

New Post has been published on http://www.lifehacker.guru/what-i-learned-when-i-quit-numbing-my-feelings/

What I Learned When I Quit Numbing My Feelings

I took the month of August to camp and hike and travel alone in Ireland. Part of my intention was to quit smoking weed, which I’ve previously written about as being my go-to strategy for connecting to the sacred, for accessing presence and immanence.

To be clear, I pass zero judgment on anyone who chooses to smoke weed. I’ve mostly used weed in beautiful, supportive ways that expanded my sense of connection with the natural world, and lots of folks can use it without any downsides. That’s just not my experience.

As part of my weed-retirement process in Ireland, I took lots of pictures, enacted rituals to talk to the spirit of the plant, and communed with the elemental forces of magic that I’ve been relying on weed to access since I was 15.

Ultimately, in quitting weed, I discovered that I’ve spent almost 40 years convincing myself, in one way or another, that what I’m feeling in a particular moment is wrong and that I should feel another way.

What I’ve realized is that if I allow myself to really honor what I want in each moment, much of my need for weed seems to dissolve. The desire for it is gone as long as I’m doing other things to access the magic and sense of connection with the natural world that I crave.

So, really, quitting weed wasn’t hard while I was in Ireland. I had moments of anxiety and uncertainty, but I was traveling alone with no itinerary. I was empowered to choose what my body and spirit really wanted in each moment. Since I returned home, however, I’ve been thinking about weed approximately every 23 seconds.

I’ve spent a lifetime policing my emotional landscape, pushing away certain feelings because they aren’t comfortable.

In the past, I’ve mostly used weed to help me tune into a particular frequency of reality where there is no separate self, which I’ve written about in other articles. What I didn’t realize is that I’ve also sometimes used weed to push through the (perfectly reasonable) resistance I feel in certain moments.

Essentially, I smoked weed to force myself to do shit I didn’t actually want to do; to push myself to do things I ultimately wanted to do, but at the wrong times; and—the most insidious—I smoked weed to not feel certain types of feelings that I deemed unsavory. I used it as a way to resist whatever challenging emotional experience I was feeling.

The fact that I’ve spent a lifetime policing my emotional landscape, pushing away certain feelings because they aren’t comfortable, isn’t a new realization.

I’ve used all kinds of strategies to escape my own inner landscape, whether that be snorting heroin, bingeing on alcohol or ice cream or pizza, swallowing prescription opioids, or taking a prescribed SSRIs and mood stabilizers.

I’ve worked hard to heal and reclaim my capacity to fully honor whatever I’m feeling. But I wasn’t tracking the full truth of just how often I was using weed as a strategy for pushing myself through resistance, whether to force myself to do something I “should” be doing or to get away from a feeling I “shouldn’t” be having.

And it’s not just me. We all have our moments of wanting to escape.

People have written extensively on this idea of a “Great Escape,” this very human, biologically hardwired thing we do, pushing away the mundane, resisting the circumstances of our lives, always looking for an “escape” of some kind.

But these implications that we are “hardwired” for anything can be dangerous, and they only tell part of the story. For me, the idea that we’ve got some biologically hardwired tendency to run away from our lives, to escape the contexts we find ourselves in, is a downer that quickly leads me down a disempowering and reductionist path.

I advocate for a wider lens where, when we talk about human tendencies, we include the deep, empowering ramifications of the latest findings in neurobiology and trauma healing, where our brains are neuroplastic and massive shifts and consciousness evolution are, in fact, possible.

A parallel story to the idea that we’re wired for escapism, and one that is more accurate for me personally is this: We receive varying degrees of obedience training from the time we are born.

Truly, deeply, honoring what is true in each moment — for ourselves and for others — is one of the most radical acts we can take to reclaim our inner authority and well-being.

We are enculturated into hierarchical domination. Our cultural institutions create and reinforce systems of oppression where we have to fight and contort and conform to get closer to the center of power (white, male, able-bodied, straight, etc.) in order to get power for ourselves. We all internalize that thinking (including white able-bodied straight males), and we turn those patterns inward, where we begin a lifetime habit of controlling ourselves, doing shit we don’t want to do, sublimating our own impulses and uniqueness in exchange for external validation, status, belonging, love, and survival.

Who the fuck wouldn’t want to escape that?

I’m a white, able-bodied, educated, upper-middle-class person who works from home and has disposable income and no children to care for. Clearly my decision to “stop doing shit I don’t want to do” is easier than it would be for many people. And yet this realization is helping me quit—and stay quit from—marijuana, and it’s encouraging me to stop and listen when my body is resisting my mind’s idea of what I’m “supposed” to be doing or feeling in a given moment.

The difference in how I approach my thinking now, compared to how I approached it with weed, is startling.

For example, if I’m thinking: “I have to do that annoying newsletter and then build that webpage. Ugh, I just wish someone else would do it. I’m so sick of this job.” Weed would suggest I get high, making the annoying thing bearable. But, really, that resistance is my body telling me it’s time for a new client or a new way of making money that is more meaningful or a reality check on things I’ve agreed to that would be done more joyfully by someone else.

Or how about those moments when I’m thinking, “Ugh—I don’t wanna unpack, reassemble my room after putting everything away for the subletter, do laundry and grocery shopping.” Weed would undoubtedly tell me it would all be more tolerable with a bong hit. But, really, that’s me placating the part of my self-critical, drill-sergeant brain that thinks right now is the only right time to do a particular task. And if I don’t, I’m just lazy as fuck.

Instead of grabbing the bong, I can remind myself there will come a time when I’m going to be excited to set up my room and fill the fridge with food. If that time’s not right now, that’s okay.

Whatever challenging thing is happening in your emotional landscape in each moment, there is a perfectly good reason for it — and feeling it is much faster and more relaxing than resisting it.

As for the big one, the “denying what is true for me in a particular moment and making myself wrong for what I’m feeling,” there’s a better way to handle that too.

If I’m feeling sad and depressed, if I’m lamenting how I should be grateful, and convincing myself what I’m feeling has no reason. I wish this feeling would go away, but the answer probably isn’t to escape by smoking a joint. Instead, I need to remember that no one is “depressed for no reason”—despite what my inner voice thinks.

Finding the source of the feelings and then peeking underneath to see what needs aren’t being met is one of the keys I’ve found to building nervous system resilience, inner calm, acceptance, and wholeness.

Truly, deeply, honoring what is true in each moment—for ourselves and for others—is one of the most radical acts we can take to reclaim our inner authority and well-being.

This is the most revealing thing I’ve learned since quitting my weed addiction (and every other addiction I’ve ever had, for that matter), and this realization holds the key to my own sobriety in the long run: Whatever challenging thing is happening in your emotional landscape in each moment, there is a perfectly good reason for it—and feeling it is much faster and more relaxing than resisting it.

After all, we know now from relational neurobiology that those of us who haven’t internalized a loving, secure, warm, and attuned inner parent can find it virtually impossible to “just be with” our feelings. If people lack a resonating, compassionate self-witness to accompany them in times of emotional intensity, they will likely be flooded, overwhelmed, and then shuttled into whatever their go-to distraction strategy is.

Research has shown the vagus nerve controls our fight/flight/freeze responses in conjunction with the emotional alarm system (the amygdala), and 80 percent of the information flow from that nerve goes upward from the body, not top-down from our prefrontal cortex. Without building fibers between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex through warm, secure attachment, our body will continue to react until we can internalize the self-soothing capacity of secure attachment that enables us to actually feel and accompany ourselves in our own pain the way a loving parent would.

fMRIs have shown that the nervous system relaxes a bit once we name and acknowledge the feelings we’re feeling. Research also indicates that the nervous system further relaxes once we consistently name and acknowledge unmet needs that are underneath the feeling. Our bodies are trying to tell us through feelings what is important to us. But we have to listen.

Acknowledging feelings and needs won’t necessarily make the uncomfortable feeling go away, but it does free up our nervous system to relax enough to come to a place of balance enough to ground ourselves to decide what to do about it.

(C)