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aois-amaterasu-painting · 5 months ago

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Rock&Read 051 (2013)

葵 the GazettE

The album "BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY" was created with the most important focus being the band dynamic, so that the GazettE could truly embody the GazettE.

Because of this, from RUKI's interview in issue 49, I believe listeners could feel that the band was in the strongest state of unity it has ever had. Aoi, who until now has often projected a somewhat solitary presence, now proudly identifies as "the GazettE" and seems to be thoroughly enjoying that fact. Reflecting on the album's creation and the overseas tour, Aoi shared his thoughts on what the current "image of the GazettE" means to him.

"By changing myself, everything started to change for the better. Now, I believe we understand each other on a much deeper level."

Interviewer: When did the production of your latest album, BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY, begin, and how did it start?

Aoi: The starting point, I’d say, was during the tour for DIVISION. That’s when we first started talking about the next album. It began with a conceptual idea—something like five animals coming together to form a new, unique creature. That was the basis for the decision to include songs from every member on this album.

Interviewer: So the idea was to showcase the individuality of each member?

Aoi: Well, when it comes to individuality, it's a bit different, I think. Since this is something being released as the GazettE, rather than focusing on individual colors, it's more of a feeling of each member’s vision of the GazettE. With that in mind, I began preparing for the production. When creating the songs, I tried not to get carried away with my own desires and focused on shaping what I could do for the GazettE. But when the songs were finished, they ended up turning out with quite a bit of my own color in them (laughs).

Interviewer: The balance between your personal style and the essence of the GazettE is remarkable. When all the members contribute to songwriting, I imagine there’s a risk of ending up with multiple songs of a similar type. However, BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY achieves an ideal result—it has a sense of cohesion while showcasing a broad range of styles.

Aoi: At first, the styles of the songs everyone brought in were indeed quite similar. From there, we selected the best ones, and then filled in the gaps, so to speak. For example, if we already had enough of a certain type of song, we’d discuss creating something different. Then we’d choose the best from that batch as well. This approach sometimes led to members working on songs that weren’t their usual strong suits. But overcoming that was essential. Otherwise, we’d end up relying too much on RUKI or Uruha, who are the main composers for the band. That would stray from the concept of this album.

For example, each of us has to be able to survive even if we left the GazettE and became independent. Not that I’m saying it’s okay for the band to disappear. But the GazettE will become a stronger entity if all the members can survive on their own. That’s why we were strict about the songwriting process. It wasn’t just about including a song from each member for the sake of it—it was about packaging songs that everyone was satisfied with and that fit the album’s concept.

Interviewer: You really aimed high with this one. Another notable aspect of BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY is how the digital elements, which stood out in TOXIC and DIVISION, have been toned down.

Aoi: I think that’s a natural progression. This time, the focus from the very beginning was on creating something “as a band.” RUKI mentioned that he had already done the things he personally wanted to do, so for this album, he wanted to emphasize the band dynamic more. It felt like a natural shift in that direction. That said, it’s not like we completely avoided using programmed elements. From our perspective, it doesn’t feel like a major change.

Interviewer: Really? Especially with the harder tracks, I feel like this album has a very raw quality to it.

Aoi: That’s true. I think our approach to recording has changed a bit. This time, there was a stronger focus on what each of us could bring to the band. We were very conscious of this throughout the process. In the past, certain members tended to handle specific styles or areas of music, and it became easy to rely on those who were better suited for certain tasks.

That wasn’t the way it started—it’s something that happened naturally over the years as the band continued. None of us really addressed it, myself included. If anything, we had this mindset that whoever enjoyed a particular approach should take the initiative. But ultimately, that isn’t the ideal way for a band to function. Even if nothing was said out loud, I think each of us had thoughts about the works we’ve created up until now.

This time, we were able to openly share our opinions without holding back. That was refreshing and felt really good, and I think that openness is reflected in the music itself.

Interviewer: When roles are divided in a bad way, it’s definitely not good for the band, right?

Aoi: Yes. If the way we create becomes too one-sided, even if we make new songs, they lose their freshness.

Interviewer: And did you realize that, surprisingly, it’s okay to express your opinions without holding back?

Aoi: I did (laughs). It even felt like everyone was waiting for that moment. We thought we were being considerate by not saying certain things, but for the other person, it was actually the opposite. It’s easier for them if you just say what you’re thinking. I had many moments where I realized that.

Interviewer: That sounds a bit like a romantic relationship dynamic.

Aoi: It really does (laughs).

"By each member being able to survive on their own, the GazettE will become a stronger entity."

Aoi: Within the band, there were times we thought, "They’ll understand even if I don’t say anything," but it didn’t actually get through. Or, we’d misinterpret the lack of communication and end up with a misunderstanding. It made me really appreciate the importance of clear communication.

And the interesting thing is, this shift happened naturally. It wasn’t like we sat down and decided, "From now on, let’s be more open." It just developed that way on its own.

Interviewer: When I spoke with the other members in a different interview, they mentioned that they found it easier to voice their opinions this time because the songs felt more familiar to them.

Aoi: I think that was part of it, too. The feeling that everyone was working together to create something was really strong, so this time the production process was a lot of fun. Normally, I’m the type of person who doesn’t want to go to the recording studio. In the past, I wouldn’t go unless it was my turn to record. When other members were recording, I felt like being in the studio was just a waste of time (laughs).

Well, honestly, that’s not really true. But depending on how you look at it, it feels like a waste of time, doesn’t it? Especially since there’s not much for me to do (laughs). But this time, I actually wanted to show up, and there were songs that required programming and other input. As I kept going, I started to think being in the studio wasn’t so bad. Plus, you can eat there (laughs).

Interviewer: ...That’s your motivation? (laughs)

Aoi: (laughs) Also, this time I felt like I had the best communication with Uruha that I’ve ever had. Every morning, I’d go to pick him up—though I wasn’t the one driving (laughs). The time between when we met up and heading to the studio became like a little meeting, and I think it worked out in a positive way. In the past, I felt that the distance between Uruha and me was the farthest in the band, but that’s no longer the case.

Interviewer: The dynamic between two guitarists in the same band is quite unique, isn’t it? It often falls into one of two patterns: either they’re very close, or it’s more of a “you do your thing, I’ll do mine” type of relationship.

Aoi: Right. Because we share the same position, there are parts where we really understand each other, but there are also areas where we don’t fully align. It’s not that we didn’t get along, but Uruha and I were definitely in the “you do your thing, I’ll do mine” pattern.

However, during the recording of BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY, I felt like Uruha was my greatest ally. This time, unlike before, I wanted to use gear that was closer to what I play during live performances—especially for the guitar. I was set on making that change. But the guitars I had used for recording up until now had a completely different character, and it turned out to be harder than I expected.

The sound we’d created before was something everyone liked and had put a lot of effort into, so abandoning that now wasn’t easy. When I first tried using my live gear, the sound I produced made everyone go, “Huh?” (laughs). I especially thought it would be hard to get past RUKI’s wall.

In that situation, Uruha said to me, “Why not just do what feels right to you, Aoi? If you’ve refined the sound this much, it probably won’t make a huge difference which guitar you use.” Hearing that made me think, “Oh, I see.” After that, everything went smoothly.

Interviewer: Being a fellow guitarist, it seems Uruha understood how you felt. Also, the guitar sound on BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY is incredibly cool.

Aoi: I think I managed to make it sound pretty good, at least. But that’s probably just how things turned out in the end. The guitar ESP made for me has a slightly tighter low end. In the past, both of us had fat guitar tones, but this time it’s different, so I think the separation between our sounds works well. Even regarding the guitar tones, I feel like I need to refine things further.

Interviewer: So you’re aiming even higher. I think the balance is amazing—your rhythm guitar, as well as the clarity of the solos with their defined edges and solid lows.

Aoi: Thank you. But to be honest, I wasn’t sure how to achieve that. I didn’t really know how to create a satisfying lead tone with a tube amp. At home, I use simulators, so I can shape the guitar sound however I want. But with live tube amps during recording, you can’t do that so easily.

That’s when I realized just how amazing Uruha is in that respect too. He’s reached his current sound through years of trial and error. For me, I haven’t recorded many guitar solos, and honestly, I’m not the type to be particularly passionate about solos. To put it bluntly, I used to feel like anything would work.

That’s why crafting the tone for my solos was so difficult. But as I struggled and experimented with the sound, I discovered a few things. In the end, even the process of creating the tone turned out to be enjoyable.

Interviewer: It’s great to have something you want to pursue, isn’t it?

Aoi: I really think so. Around last summer, I started seriously studying the guitar. Until then, I had been playing without really understanding the instrument. How should I put it… I loved playing the guitar, and before I knew it, I had come this far. While I think that’s not necessarily a good thing, but to be honest, I’m not the type to obsessively immerse myself like a perfectionist. So, in a way, I sort of stumbled my way here.

Interviewer: Was there something that triggered your desire to study the guitar more?

Aoi: It's because of *"Guitarist Meeting" (A drinking party for guitarists)

*SUGIZO's Super Guitarist Meeting 「ギタリスト会」

"Up until now, I feel like Uruha and I were the furthest apart in the band, but during this recording, I feel like he was my biggest ally."

Aoi: The first time I joined was about two years ago, and all the members were so impressive that I felt I needed to be able to talk properly about guitars; otherwise, it would be embarrassing (laughs).

We’d drink and talk, and the conversations often got deep. In those moments, I didn’t want people to think, “This guy’s boring.” That was when I realized I had to practice more seriously. As I started practicing, I became more attentive not just to my playing but also to how I perceived sound itself.

For a while, I spent time playing on my own in secret. Then, starting last summer, I decided to engage more with my custom model guitar made by ESP. Even though I had my own model, the specs were kind of unconventional—for instance, instead of the typical two humbuckers, I went for four single-coil-sized pickups just because I didn’t like the idea of simple coil-tapped humbuckers side by side.

It wasn’t necessarily that I needed those specs; I just chose them based on what I didn’t want. But this time, I started from scratch, searching for pickups that suited this unique setup. The sound was good, but it lacked the power you get from a humbucker. I spent a year figuring out how to achieve the tone I was imagining.

Around that same time, we began recording BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY, so I got a lot of support from ESP. We experimented with various parts, and I even tried soldering myself. I really did a lot of different things.

Interviewer: It’s great that the first album you worked on after engaging with the guitar more deeply allowed you to pursue the direction you were aiming for.

Aoi: Yes. The timing was perfect. If the songs I had to play didn’t highlight my individuality as a guitarist, or if they didn’t call for the kind of sound I wanted to create, it would’ve been pretty disheartening. But because that wasn’t the case, I prepared seriously for the recordings.

I don’t usually play through tube amps except during live performances. Growing up, I always had a transistor amp at home. Transistor amps are easier to handle than tube amps and can produce powerful sounds even at lower volumes. So, around last summer, I thought about getting a small tube amp for home use.

I also started building and experimenting with my own effects pedals, trying different configurations, and that turned out to be really fascinating. It finally feels like the guitar has become more of a hobby for me.

In the past, my dream was to make a living playing guitar, but that dream somehow just turned into my job. There were also many non-guitar-related aspects to my work, so I gradually stopped wanting to play guitar all the time. That phase lasted far too long.

In Uruha’s case, his sense of responsibility as a guitarist kicked in much earlier. He was highly attuned to the idea that he needed to improve his skills and create better sounds. What he started doing years ago, I’m only now beginning to explore.

For instance, details like the type and placement of the microphone in front of the cabinet during live shows—now I understand their importance. But back then, I’d wonder if it was really necessary to spend rehearsal time worrying about things like mic placement.

It’s like the saying “leave it to the experts”—I thought that stuff should just be handled by the PA engineer. But I’ve realized that’s not the case, and now I pay attention to mic placement as well.

Interviewer: The fact that you started paying attention to those aspects later doesn’t mean you were negligent. A lot of guitarists are surprisingly indifferent to equipment. Besides, if both guitarists in the GazettE were the same type, things might not have worked out as well.

Aoi: That might be true (laughs). I think it is a good thing that our personalities are so different. Uruha and I are completely different in terms of personality. He’s an explorer —when it comes to playing, sound, or anything else, he’s always researching and experimenting.

I’ve started to pay attention to those things too, but I still don’t feel the need to dive as deeply as he does. If we were both explorers, I think it would probably stifle the other members.

Interviewer: I agree. Along with its depth and content, BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY really turned out to be an excellent album in many ways. After finishing the album recordings, the GazettE performed at the KUBANA FESTIVAL in Russia and Japan’s SUMMER SONIC in August.

Aoi: Yes, we went to Russia. Getting to Russia felt like it took forever (laughs). Honestly, it took longer than going to Mexico.

Interviewer: Really?

Aoi: For some reason, we had to fly to Abu Dhabi first and then transfer to Russia. Since Abu Dhabi was just for transit, we couldn’t leave the airport, and the layover was super long. It made the trip even more exhausting (laughs).

But I thought that’s just how it is when traveling to Russia. I mean, crossing over Russia’s airspace doesn’t sound simple, right? Then on the way back from Helsinki, I realized, wait a second, we are flying directly over Russia! (laughs).

Apparently, the coordinator thought that taking a direct flight might be too tiring, so they intentionally planned a more roundabout route for the trip there.

Interviewer: Their consideration backfired, didn’t it? (laughs)

Aoi: Totally (laughs). Once we arrived in Russia, it didn’t really feel like we were in Russia at all. We got there the night before the festival, then on the day of the event, we took a bus to the venue, performed, and then left.

"I used to dream of making a living by playing guitar, but I don't feel the urge to play all the time anymore. Now, playing the guitar is so much fun."

Aoi: Speaking of Russia, the dinner we had there was awful (laughs). They gave us two styrofoam containers—one had chunks of meat, though I couldn’t tell if it was chicken or pork. It came with something like potatoes as a side dish.

The other container had a loaf of bread and a whole cucumber and tomato just thrown in there (laughs). I think the idea was to make your own sandwich, but the vegetables were just raw and unprepared (laughs). The bread was the only thing wrapped in plastic.

And there wasn’t any salt, mayonnaise, or anything for seasoning, so we were like, “How are we supposed to flavor this?” (laughs). But oddly enough, they did include coffee. The priorities were a bit confusing (laughs).

Interviewer: ...That was supposed to be dinner?

Aoi: Dinner, yes (laughs). I started wondering if Russians just don't care about food. But we arrived at the hotel at night, and none of the stores were open, so I thought, “Well, it’s fine, I guess.”

The next day, I mentioned that it would be a problem if dinner turned out to be like the previous night’s. The local staff reassured me, saying, “OK, we’ll take care of it.”

After the live show, when we returned, they said they had dinner ready for us. But I could tell right away it was the same type of container as the night before (laughs). Still, I thought maybe it could be something better, like yakiniku or something—they sometimes serve those in similar containers.

When I opened it, though, it turned out to be the same dish as the night before, just with different meat (laughs). And it was completely cold, too (laughs). Basically, there just aren’t any stores open late over there. Honestly, it left me feeling pretty exhausted (laughs).

Interviewer: Sounds intense (laughs). How was the festival itself?

Aoi: The live show was amazing. We’ve played at festivals before, but our set time was often during the day, or the venue was indoors, so it didn’t really feel like a proper festival. But Russia’s "KUBANA FESTIVAL" was exactly like the kind of festivals we’d see in the road movies of our favorite Western artists when we were kids. Around 20,000 people gathered, our set was at night, and the energy was just incredible.

Even though it’s technically prohibited, fans were taking photos during the show, and flashes were going off all across the crowd—it really added to the festival vibe. At one point, I thought, “Am I Metallica or what?” (laughs).

Also, there were people packed along the trusses beside the stage—other performers and staff all came to watch our set. In Japan, festival security is often very strict, and there’s this unspoken rule that you’re not supposed to be near the sides of the stage. But in Russia, the crowd filled the front of the stage, and there were people everywhere on the sides too. It felt like those stories I read about in magazines as a kid, like "We were drinking beer next to someone who was performing at a festival."

Playing in Russia made me think, “Oh, so this is what they were talking about.” I finally felt like I got a glimpse of the world I had always admired. And, more than anything, the audience’s enthusiasm was off the charts—especially the men. They were all forming this massive mosh pit, going wild with insane energy. At one point, I thought, “What hardcore band is this for?” (laughs).

Interviewer: That’s incredible. It’s likely that most of those people didn’t know about the GazettE, so they were purely reacting to the quality of the live performance.

Aoi: Yeah. Before the show, I heard people were saying things like, “Who are these guys from Japan, wearing makeup?” You could see comments like that on Twitter. But by the end of the show, it seemed like everyone really enjoyed it. I’ve heard that overseas audiences won’t react unless they genuinely think something is good, and if they don’t like it, they’ll show it without hesitation. So, I think the enthusiasm we got was real. Our fans in Russia were thrilled too. After the festival, we received so many messages saying, “It was amazing.”

Interviewer: It was a great decision to participate. How about the domestic "SUMMER SONIC"?

Aoi: "SUMMER SONIC" was fun too. We were invited to play again this year. That sense of being “out of place” that we felt the first time we participated wasn’t there anymore. But since it’s indoors, it felt more like an event live rather than a festival. Whether domestic or international, I’d love for us to keep participating in festivals if we’re invited. Each festival has its own atmosphere, but they’re always fun.

Recently, we’ve gotten better at understanding the atmosphere of each festival and adjusting our mindset accordingly. For example, when we played at "RISING SUN" last year, there were these charming little huts set up around the venue, creating a fantastic feel.

"SUMMER SONIC," on the other hand, has this chic, stylish feel to it. If we’re invited again, I’d like to explore more of the venue and enjoy it even further. That said, "SUMMER SONIC" has really strict security checks. We always have to carry our passes with us, even when going to the restroom, and we’re constantly asked to show them. I understand the need for tight security, so I’m not criticizing it. I just think, “Well, as long as I don’t let the strictness get to me, I’m fine” (laughs).

Interviewer: I hope you thoroughly enjoyed it. After participating in two festivals, you spent September on the month-long "the GazettE WORLD TOUR 13."

Aoi: I’d really wanted to do an overseas tour before the idea for this one came up. I was eager to perform wherever we could and also just wanted to visit other places—not to vacation, but to play music as the GazettE.

"In Russia, I actually thought, "Am I Metallica?" (laughs). I finally feel like I've discovered the world I had always admired."

Aoi: It wasn’t about building a track record overseas, making a name for ourselves, and leveraging that for festivals or anything like that. I just wanted to go with a lighthearted attitude. It had been a while since we’d been abroad. But back then, even when I talked with the staff, the vibe was kind of like, “There’s no real need to go.” The other members weren’t particularly enthusiastic either. So, I just let go of the idea of playing overseas.

Then out of nowhere, the conversation about wanting to go overseas came up. I was like, “Huh? You guys actually want to do this now?” (laughs). But by that point, my passion for it had already cooled down (laughs). And then they mentioned Latin America, and I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me” (laughs).

The other members, when they initially talked about going abroad, seemed to have Europe in mind—just doing a quick round of shows there. So when Latin America was brought up, the air was a bit confused at first. But before I knew it, everyone had warmed up to the idea of going to South America too. From what I’d heard from seniors who had toured there, getting to South America takes an entire day. I hate long travel, so I was absolutely against the idea (laughs). Flying for 24 hours sounded insane to me—it’s just way too exhausting.

Interviewer: So, when the trip to Latin America was officially decided, were you feeling pretty down about it?

Aoi: At first, yeah. But my feelings gradually changed. After the tour was confirmed, we started receiving so many messages saying things like, “We’re waiting for you” or “We’re so excited.” Of course, we’d been receiving those kinds of messages for years, which was one reason I wanted to go overseas in the first place. But once it was actually happening and those voices reached us, it made me feel like I really wanted to respond to those feelings properly. That raised my motivation.

On top of that, there was the fun aspect of preparing the gear. When we decided to go, the question of how we’d handle the equipment came up. Naturally, we couldn’t take everything. When we went to Europe six years ago, we brought all of our equipment, but this time that wasn’t feasible. And since we couldn’t disassemble the system we’re using now, we needed to create a new setup.

So, I thought, why not take the opportunity to build the equipment myself? I wanted to choose everything based on my personal preferences. That made the whole process more exciting. I already had a basic, simple setup that I’d put together last summer, so I wondered if I could build off that foundation to create something new. After work, I’d grab a soldering iron and just dive into making cables and setups.

Interviewer: Seriously? I’m amazed you even made your own cables.

Aoi: Oh, I made a ton of them (laughs). Boxes of cables would arrive at my house, and it looked like I was running a business (laughs). As I refined my guitar tone, I figured out what kind of cables I liked. I ended up using Belden cables and Switchcraft jacks, tailored to my preferences.

Interviewer: You're particular about it. What was the centerpiece of your simplified setup?

Aoi: It was a multi-effects unit called the BOSS GT-100. Nuno (Bettencourt) uses the BOSS GT-8, so I thought I’d give it a try. He’s the kind of person who confidently says, “My sound comes from my right hand,” so it seems he’s not too particular about his gear.

At first, people around me were like, “Don’t use a multi-effects unit because it changes your tone the moment the signal goes through it.” And yeah, it does add some compression or a certain “processed” sound, but I didn’t dislike that. In fact, the sound was thicker compared to the setup I usually use in Japan. I was like, “What’s the problem? This is actually pretty good” (laughs).

Interviewer: Thank you Nuno. It was your first time visiting Mexico and South America—what were your impressions?

Aoi: When we landed in Mexico, I was surprised by how passionate the fans were. There was a massive crowd at the airport giving us such a warm welcome. But that was just the beginning of the excitement we’d experience during the South American tour.

The last stop in Brazil was absolutely incredible. It felt like the intensity built with each show, and by the time we got to Brazil, it just exploded. Also, I think it was great that we were able to do the tour while the band was in such a good place after creating BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY. That album was a significant turning point for us. Throughout the tour, the atmosphere was consistently good. Our playing felt solid, and I was happy with the tones I was getting. It made the whole experience really fun.

Interviewer: What kind of venues did you perform in across South America?

Aoi: They were mostly large open event spaces or gymnasium-like places with temporary stages set up. In Argentina, we played in a proper hall, though. Speaking of Mexico, the speakers directed at the audience were shockingly small. I was like, “Is this a high school cultural festival?” (laughs). On top of that, there were strict volume restrictions. So once the live show started, all I could hear was the audience’s voices (laughs).

Interviewer: In a way, that shows how much the crowd was into it.

Aoi: Yeah, they were really into it. The audience was constantly making noise—screaming “Kyaaa!” or “Waaah!” the entire time (laughs). During the encore, it got even crazier, and at that point, I truly couldn’t hear anything.

Also, there were a lot of guys in the audience. The kind of guys who, just by looking at them, you’d think, “They’re probably way better at playing than we are” (laughs). Foreigners have this aura that they’re naturally great with instruments, don’t they? (laughs). Even if they’ve never touched an instrument, they just seem like they’d be amazing if they did (laughs). At first, I felt like those guys were critically watching and judging our playing and sound. But as the show went on, that feeling disappeared. Everyone looked like they were having fun, drinking and watching the show.

"I think it was really great that we were able to go on the tour in the good state we were in after making BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY. That production was truly a turning point for us."

Interviewer: The atmosphere is completely different from live shows in Japan, isn’t it?

Aoi: It really is. Every show turned into such an intense experience, and I felt incredibly grateful. South America is probably the farthest region from Japan, right? Yet, there were so many people there waiting for the GazettE. It was far beyond our expectations. We were honestly wondering if venues with capacities of 2,000–3,000 people would fill up, but everyone was clearly eagerly awaiting us, and every venue ended up being packed. It was so much fun.

Interviewer: It sounds like it was well worth the trip. South America is also known for having safety concerns—did you experience anything like that?

Aoi: The safety concerns are real. Especially in Mexico, it seemed really dangerous... actually, it’s said to be quite risky. In Argentina, we did a photoshoot, and apparently, the location where Uruha and Reita shot was sketchy. I tagged along for Uruha’s shoot, and the local guide would say things like, “This area is fine, but don’t go over there.” There were some slightly shady-looking guys around. It definitely felt dangerous. But honestly, even that was kind of interesting. I just thought, if something were to happen to me, it would probably happen to a few others too, so at that point I thought there was nothing I could do (laughs).

Interviewer: Ah, um… I’m just really glad you made it back safely. Since it was your first visit, did you get a sense of what South America is like?

Aoi: The thing that stood out the most was how friendly and warm the people were. We’d only interacted with Europeans before, so we had this slightly intimidating image of South Americans. But honestly, everyone was incredibly nice. I think Mexico might’ve been my favorite. The people working in service industries there were especially kind. Also, Chile had this surprisingly European vibe, which was unexpected. While Brazil, Mexico, and Argentina felt distinctly South American, Chile was different—it had a stylish and polished atmosphere. There were slum-like areas that felt very South American, but the developed parts were exceptionally clean and beautiful. It wasn’t overtly European, but rather quiet, clean, full of greenery, and really serene.

Interviewer: Hearing that makes me want to visit Chile. After returning from Brazil, you only stayed in Japan for three days before heading off on a European tour, right?

Aoi: Yeah, the start of the European part was tough. I caught a cold on the way back from Brazil, and when I got home, I had a high fever. I was in bed for three days and it didn't get better. I was in a bad mood. I felt sick and I wanted to smoke. Some fans had come to see us off at the airport, but I ignored them completely (laughs). While we were touring South America, I’d been in a “Why not? Let’s sign for everyone who’s waiting!” kind of mood, but by the time we got to France, I was like a completely different person (laughs). Looking back now, I feel bad about it, but at the time, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind because of how awful I felt physically.

Interviewer: If any of your European fans read this magazine, I hope they’ll understand your feelings. How were the concerts?

Aoi: Europe was great as well. The audience from six years ago has mostly changed. Back then, Japanese visual kei and anime were booming, so a lot of people came to see the GazettE just because it was trendy. This time, it felt like the people who came to the shows were genuinely fans of the GazettE or were curious about us.

Even in that context, we had a huge turnout. It was our first time performing in Munich, Germany, and the reaction there was fantastic. All the venues were lively, and I personally felt that we delivered great performances each time. Compared to the last time we toured Europe, I think I was better at accepting the unavoidable challenges as just part of the experience. That made a big difference. I didn’t feel stressed at all during the tour and was able to keep a good mindset.

Interviewer: It really shows how important it is to visit repeatedly. By the way, what kind of setlist did you perform during the world tour?

Aoi: We focused on songs released before FADELESS and mainly included tracks that had been featured in live DVDs. We wanted to bring the heat of Japan to our international audience, so I think we mostly picked more recent songs. In every country, “SHIVER” got an amazing reaction, so we played it at every show. But interestingly, the fans were also familiar with older songs. Outside the venues, I could hear people singing “Cassis” and “Wakaremichi.”

Interviewer: It’s clear that the GazettE’s overseas tours aren’t just trips abroad—they’re proper tours.

Aoi: I think that’s true. Experiencing this, I felt like we should’ve gone overseas much earlier. The fans who came to the shows looked genuinely happy, and that made me happy too. The tight schedule makes it hard to tour internationally, but I want to go back before too much time passes, so people don’t feel like they’ll never see us again. I’d love to perform in even more countries. Fans from places like Spain and Italy also came to see us, and of course, there was a huge crowd from Russia too. Realizing that there are GazettE fans all across Europe waiting for us made this tour feel like it was just the beginning of something bigger.

Interviewer: It seems likely that you’ll be heading there again in the near future. Can you share any memorable experiences from Europe?

Aoi: Hmm, I wonder? Europe was easier in the sense that we traveled by bus. I like traveling by bus, so that part was good. However, the hotels were always in the suburbs for some reason, and that was frustrating. For example, when we went to France, the hotel was in a quiet residential area about an hour away from Paris. Uruha went to see the Arc de Triomphe and such, but I didn’t even have the energy for that—it was such a peaceful place (laughs).

The last time we went to France, we stayed in a hotel in the city, and I thought the streets were stylish, and the people walking around were fashionable too. But this time, there wasn’t anything that lifted my spirits like that at all (laughs). In Germany, though, the hotel was in the center of Cologne, so that was fun. We used free time to go shopping, I went with Ruki when he wanted to buy clothes. Cologne was a lot of fun.

Interviewer: Hopefully, you’ll have more time for such experiences on your next visit. After returning from your international tour, you are currently (as of mid-November/January) in the midst of the domestic tour, the GazettE LIVE TOUR 13 [BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY] MAGNIFICENT MALFORMED BOX, centered around BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY.

Aoi: We didn’t perform any songs from BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY at the summer festivals or during the overseas tour. For the domestic tour, the live performances are centered around the new songs, so we had to start from scratch in preparing for it. But we really didn’t have much time—just about a month or so. I thought that might be enough, but we were also busy with various photoshoots and recordings during that period, so it was difficult to set aside proper time for preparations. To go on tour while keeping the positive momentum from the overseas tour, we needed a lot of preparation, and we were really cutting it close.

When we started rehearsing in the studio, there were still so many parts that weren’t ready. In the past, that wouldn’t have been much of an issue for me. I would just think, “We’ll refine it as we go along on tour.” But this time, I didn’t feel the same way. I wanted to present my latest self during this latest tour. If we just went along as usual, I felt it would defeat the purpose of doing this. Because of that, it was quite challenging. Even starting with the equipment, I wasn’t satisfied. The sound of the gear I’d been using in Japan was completely different from the sound that gave me a good impression during the overseas tour.

Also, since I started using in-ear monitors, I realized that Ruki, who had always been hearing my sound through them, must have been bearing a significant burden. The sound I crafted to feel good from my standing position often ended up harsh and overly bright when picked up by the mic placed in front of the cabinet. The PA engineers would then adjust and process that sound before sending it out to the audience, but that didn’t feel quite right to me.

Understanding the flaws of my previous system, I decided to revamp everything. But with so little time, all I could really do was remove unnecessary elements and adjust the wiring. So, if you ask me whether I’m 100% satisfied with the sound I’m producing right now, I’d say not entirely. The current system is very convenient and easy to use, but there are still areas I see as challenges for the future.

"When I really face things, I realize that the members are all there to give me the right answers. Understanding that, I now feel a great sense of fulfillment."

Aoi: That said, I think the guitar sound has changed significantly, and my playing has evolved compared to the tours we did in Japan before going overseas. It feels much easier to perform now.

Interviewer: It sounds like your preparations paid off. Did the band have any particular themes or goals in mind for this tour?

Aoi: Not really, apart from wanting to clearly showcase the world of BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY. For us, it feels like a continuation of the overseas tour. We talked a lot as a band while we were traveling internationally, so we already had a shared understanding of the kind of live shows we wanted to deliver. But we didn’t set any explicit concepts or themes.

Interviewer: Did you make any suggestions regarding the stage design or the setlist?

Aoi: No, I’m afraid not. I couldn’t think that far ahead this time. I was completely consumed with what I wanted to focus on—whether it was my playing or the sound. Right now, it’s more about correcting the things that bother me while touring.

Interviewer: Refining things over the course of a tour is one of its unique joys. How has the audience reacted to this tour?

Aoi: ...Well, it’s very much Japan, you know? (laughs)

Interviewer: Huh?

Aoi: I mean, Japanese audiences aren’t like the overseas crowds who are all "Waaah!" and super energetic. Especially at the first fan club-only show, in Yokosuka, it felt like both sides—the band and the audience—were cautiously feeling each other out. But from the next show onward, the audience started being more spirited. Japanese audiences are different from overseas crowds who are wild and energetic throughout the entire concert. You could say they’re more critical in a way. If a band doesn’t have enough strength or presence, there will be people in the audience who just won’t get into it. But I find that kind of challenge inspiring—it fires me up to perform for such audiences.

So far, the vibe at each show has been really good. During the early stages of the DIVISION tour, I sometimes felt like there was a disconnect between the band and the audience, but I haven’t felt that this time. There are still some areas that I’m keeping an eye on, but overall, we’ve been getting a lot of feedback from people saying they’re having fun. I think that shows we’re heading in a good direction. For instance, the softer, more melodic section of the setlist—what we call the “song block”—usually feels like a weak point in the live set. In the past, our attitude toward it was like, “Well, it’ll get better with more experience.” But this time, it feels like the level of completion is pretty high. Even when I think I’ve messed up, REITA tells me, “No, it sounded good.”

That said, we’re still operating on the edge—every performance feels incredibly tense (laughs). Honestly, I’m still completely consumed by trying to manage my own performance. I have a standard in my head for the quality I want people to hear and see, and I feel like my performances are just barely reaching that. We’ve done eight shows so far (as of this interview), and out of those, there’s only been one show where I thought, “Yeah, that was really good.” If I can consistently surpass that level, I think I’ll be able to focus on other aspects of the performance as well.

Interviewer: In a way, it sounds like you’re in a state of constant unease.

Aoi: Yes. Up until now, I didn’t really experience this. I used to just sort of coast through things without much thought (laughs).

Interviewer: No way (laughs). So for this tour, you’re being more critical of yourself after each performance?

Aoi: I am. But since I’ve been doing this for a long time, a lot of those assessments come instinctively during the performance itself. Even when I review footage afterward, I don’t see huge differences from one day to the next. Sometimes, when I think a performance was off, the footage shows it wasn’t all that different from a day I thought was great. The thing is, only I, as the one actually playing, can perceive those subtle shifts in timing or feel. The audience wouldn’t pick up on those minor imperfections. That’s why I’ve decided to be my own harshest critic.

That said, reviewing footage has also helped me notice some positives. For instance, I’ve realized that my moments of anxiety or urgency don’t seem to be apparent to the fans anymore. In the past, when I felt that way, it would show quite obviously, and I’d get a lot of comments like, “You didn’t seem very energetic today.” Letting fans sense whether I’m having a good or bad day isn’t ideal, so I think I’ve improved in that respect. At least now, I’m better at keeping that internal struggle to myself.

Interviewer: It sounds like your level as a guitarist has improved.

Aoi: I feel that way, and that has definitely boosted my confidence. Now, I can see things clearly, and even when I’m not playing my best or make a mistake, I can stay composed. In the past, if I made one mistake, I’d dwell on it, which would lead to another mistake, and things would just spiral downward. But now, that doesn’t happen anymore.

Interviewer: It seems like, even with all the little details you notice, you’re enjoying playing the guitar during live performances more than before.

Aoi: Absolutely, it’s so much fun. That’s why I find myself wishing the sound could be even better. When playing the GazettE’s songs, I have to rely on a lot of effects, which can thin out the sound. But I’ve already figured out what needs to be improved, so I’m working on that.

Interviewer: It sounds like you’re enjoying the process of moving things in a better direction.

Aoi: Yeah. I don’t find the process of making improvements burdensome at all. Compared to before, my desire to create music that resonates with people is so much stronger, and having specific things to work on to achieve that feels exciting. Coasting along without any challenges might be easier, but it often leads to complacency. This time, I don’t feel that way at all.

Interviewer: That’s great to hear. What’s your impression of performing songs from BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY live?

Aoi: For the new songs, it really comes down to the opening track, "INSIDE BEAST." Starting the live show with a song like that feels fantastic. It sets a high-energy tone, and it also tells me everything about my condition for the day. I can see how light my body feels, how much I can move, and adjust my performance accordingly. If something feels off, it helps me know what to be mindful of during that day’s live performance. That’s why I always concentrate when playing "INSIDE BEAST." If I get a good feeling from it, I can ride that momentum through the rest of the show.

Interviewer: It sounds like the perfect way to kick off a live show. The tour finale on January 1st at Yokohama Arena seems poised to be an unmissable performance.

Aoi: Honestly, I can’t see it at all yet (laughs). But as we go through the tour, I want to properly do what needs to be done at each moment, raise the quality of our performances, and connect it all to the final show. At this stage, I think each member is still at the point of just barely reaching or not quite reaching their own personal limits. To go beyond that, I think the only way is to keep doing it over and over again.

We all practiced like crazy before going on this tour, so the foundation for the live shows is solid. From here, it’s about each of us refining ourselves and working on closing the gap with the fans. I’m confident that by doing more shows, the content will keep getting better.

Interviewer: I’m really looking forward to it. Listening to you, I really feel that everything you've been doing since you began facing the guitar more seriously has come together in a positive way this year.

Aoi: Yeah, I think so. But honestly, it’s actually a pretty simple matter. If you really face something properly, it’ll respond to you properly as well. Until now, there were so many times when I would just draw conclusions on my own and think, “That’s just how it is,” and leave it at that. But when I truly faced things, I realized that I was surrounded by members who would give proper answers in return. Understanding that made me feel incredibly motivated.

In the past, I wasn’t very good at communicating. I’d often just say something like, “I don’t get it,” and brush things off right away. But that doesn’t work. Once I realized that, and once I started changing myself, everything began rolling in a better direction.

So now, performing live is genuinely fun. Of course, it was fun before too, but back then it was more about laughing because of excitement on stage. Now, I feel like we understand each other on a deeper level, and in a really good way, we’re able to compete with one another. At this point, I truly feel that the sense of band unity within the GazettE has grown even stronger.

#the gazette #mi #interview translations #rr

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nitanael · 8 months ago

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I know you all have instincts that keep you alive. But sometimes to survive we must become more than we were programmed to be.

THE WILD ROBOT, dir. Chris Sanders

#the wild robot #cinematography is insane!#cinema!#animation #cartoons #this is beautiful #sadness. comfort. warm. love. heart. soul.#this is everything to me 💖#there’s something unspeakable about roz discovering the wild life in the first 30 minutes of the movie #the last two pictures 😭🤧

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ilovemangoesalot · 10 days ago

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" I know you all have instincts that keep you alive. But sometimes to survive, we must become more than we were programmed to be. "

#i actually forgot what a good movie looks like thank you for reminding me wild robot #the wild robot #rozzum unit 7134 #artists on tumblr #wild robot fanart #watercolor #fanart #beginner artist #mangocloudart #traditional art

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cl0-ve · 2 months ago

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The Canary Project — Chapter 1: Terms of Service

Bucky Barnes x Female OC (Spencer Fey)

Summary: When Spencer Fey joins SHIELD’s recruit program, she expects early mornings, bruised egos, and maybe a few sore muscles.

What she doesn’t expect is Bucky Barnes.

Gruff, guarded, and clearly pissed to be there, he’s everything she’s not — and the more she smiles, the more he seems to resent her. But beneath the barbed wire and sarcasm, something starts to shift.

Until it all unravels.

Strange memories. Unanswered questions. A past she can’t remember and a truth that doesn’t want to stay buried.

This isn’t just about becoming an agent anymore.

It’s about surviving what comes after.

Content warnings: memory manipulation, brainwashing/mind control, trauma recovery, dissociation, identity crisis, psychological manipulation, canon-typical violence, emotional hurt/comfort, HYDRA experimentation, control triggers, angst, slow burn, emotional breakdowns, explicit content in later chapters (clearly marked)

series masterlist | next chapter

The training room was too quiet when Spencer Fey stepped inside — not silent, just heavy, like the air hadn’t decided what kind of day it was going to be yet. Recruits milled across the mat, stretching, testing the tension in their joints, trading nervous glances like they were all waiting for something to explode.

She’d been up since five. Drank a terrible cup of vending machine coffee. Almost wore mismatched socks and decided not to care. And now? She was here. SHIELD. Or whatever SHIELD was calling itself these days. Rebuilt, rebranded, supposedly less corrupt. Day one. It didn’t get more official than this.

Her hoodie was zipped halfway down over a snug black tank, sleeves pushed to her elbows. Her ponytail was already loosening, strands of dark hair falling around her face as she bounced lightly on the balls of her feet, taking in the room like it was an old friend.

She found the girl who looked the least likely to bite her head off and headed over. If she was going to get yelled at today, she figured it might be nice to do it with a friend. "So, how much do you think this is going to suck?" Spencer spoke with a small smile as she looked up at the girl. "Well, based on who's at the front of the room. I'm guessing a lot," the girl responded with a grin. "I'm Cassandra, by the way. Or Cass. Some people call me Cass." The girl seemed nervous. “Spencer,” she returned, glancing toward the front. “Nice to meet you, Cass. May we survive the next eight weeks.”

Cass gave a soft huff of a laugh. “With those two? That’s optimistic.”

And then her eyes caught on them — the two men at the front.

That was the first time she saw James Buchanan Barnes.

He looked… annoyed. Tense. Like someone had dragged him here against his will and he was ready to throw hands over it. Arms crossed, scowl set. Real do-not-disturb energy. The other man was more relaxed, watching everything with a subtle grin, like he already knew how the day would go and was waiting for someone else to catch up.

She didn’t know who they were yet, but she was smart enough to clock authority when she saw it.

The grumpy one muttered something under his breath. The smiling one elbowed him lightly.

She didn’t catch what was said — she was already stretching — but if she had looked closer, she might’ve noticed the way Barnes was looking at her. Like she was a puzzle dumped out on the floor with half the pieces missing.

Spencer stretched deep into her hips, shaking out her limbs. Sometimes her muscles felt like they knew something her brain hadn’t caught up to yet. It didn’t bother her. Much.

Then: Heels. Black suit. A woman walked in like she owned the air in the room.

Spencer straightened.

“Welcome to SHIELD,” the woman said. “Reformed. Revamped. Still dangerous.”

Every recruit fell still.

“Now,” she said, voice carrying easily through the room. “Each of you is here because you have something SHIELD needs. Potential, skill, instinct, or maybe just blind luck. Doesn’t really matter which.”

She paused, her eyes scanning the room like she was memorizing faces, deciding which ones wouldn’t make it past week one.

“You’re not agents. Not yet. Some of you won’t ever be. We don’t hand out badges to people who can’t follow orders or take a hit.”

A few recruits shifted uncomfortably.

“You’re here to be tested. To be pushed. And if you’re lucky, shaped into someone who might survive long enough to make a difference.”

Her gaze shifted slightly, sharp and deliberate.

“And someone," she nodded toward the two men beside her, her tone turning almost amused, “is going to be responsible for making sure you don’t die trying.”

The two men looked at each other.

“Not it,” they said in perfect sync.

There was a pause.

The woman blinked, unimpressed. “Seriously?”

Sam was already grinning. “Alright, then. Bet time. Who eats the mat first?”

Grumpy — Barnes — barely gave the group a second glance before his eyes landed on the bright-eyed girl with the ridiculous smile, standing just a little too confidently on the mat.

He pointed. “That one. Too eager.”

Spencer blinked.

Challenge accepted.

Spencer didn’t flinch under the weight of Barnes’s judgment. She didn’t shrink, didn’t roll her eyes. She just stretched a little deeper, smiled a little wider, and said nothing.

So of course, when Hill started calling names from her clipboard, hers was first.

“Fey, you're up. You’ll spar against Krell.”

Spencer stood, rolled out her shoulders, and stepped up like she wasn’t even remotely surprised.

Across from her stood a guy built like a linebacker — buzzcut, brimming with confidence, already rolling out his neck like he was auditioning for a fight scene.

She looked up at him, took a breath, and steadied herself. No nerves. Just a quiet hum under her skin — something between focus and adrenaline.

“Non-lethal,” Sam called, already leaning on the wall like this was his morning entertainment. “No broken bones on day one, please.”

Barnes didn’t speak. Just watched, jaw tight.

“You’ll be scored based on time,” the woman said, gesturing to the timer mounted high on the wall. “The longer you stay standing — or the quicker you win — the better. Lowest scores at the end of each week gets cut.”

No pressure, Spencer thought dryly.

The whistle blew.

Krell came at her with all the grace of a battering ram — strong, fast, but predictable. Too eager.

She stepped aside, pivoted, and let muscle memory do the rest. Her body moved before she had time to think. Duck. Counter. Hit. Move.

It wasn’t elegant — not at first — but it was effective.

A clean strike to his ribs made him stumble. He recovered quickly, charging back harder.

She didn’t panic. She blocked. Her hands moved like they’d done this before, even if she couldn’t remember when. Her heart was calm. Her mind was blank.

Then came the finishing move: sweep, twist, shift.

Krell hit the mat with a heavy thud that echoed through the room.

Silence.

Spencer stayed poised, her breath steady, knuckles tingling.

She glanced up as she heard a whistle blow.

Barnes’s arms were still crossed, but his eyes had narrowed slightly. Something like suspicion — or maybe recognition — flickered across his face.

Cass stared from the sidelines, mouth slightly open.

Spencer stepped back and offered him a hand.

“Good match,” she said lightly.

He didn’t take it. Just got to his feet, brushed himself off, and gave her a look — not angry, but cold. Like she wasn’t what he expected, and that unsettled him.

“Spencer, by the way,” she added, smile still on her face as she lowered her hand.

He didn’t respond. Just walked off toward a huddle of recruits who gave her sideways glances as he rejoined them.

“Cool,” Spencer muttered under her breath. “Definitely making friends.”

She walked back toward Cass and dropped down beside her.

Cass handed her a water bottle. “Okay. Seriously. What the hell was that?”

“Lucky shot,” Spencer replied. Too fast. Too smooth. It didn’t feel like luck. But she wasn’t ready to unpack that.

Cass gave her a squint. “Fine. Keep your secrets."

Spencer cracked the bottle open and took a long drink, the cold water doing little to calm the heat under her skin.

✦ ✦ ✦

“You owe me twenty,” Sam said as they walked out of the room. “And more importantly, you get to train them. Congrats, Sergeant Babysitter.”

“I never agreed to that,” Bucky grumbled.

“You pointed at her,” Sam shrugged. “You chose wrong. That’s how bets work.”

A voice behind them interrupted — calm and dry.

“He’s got the recruits,” the woman said, tablet in hand. “Wilson, you’re observing only. Try not to encourage them.”

Sam gave a mock salute. “No promises.”

“Quarters are assigned. North wing, second floor. Three per room. You two have your own.”

Bucky didn’t respond. Just glanced back at the group as they filtered out.

One of them — her — was still smiling.

He hated that.

Not because it was annoying. Because it didn’t match what she could do.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Recruits!” Bucky barked. His voice snapped through the air.

They stopped instantly. Every one of them.

“Follow me.”

They moved in a group down the corridor, the floor gleaming under harsh fluorescent light. Spencer fell in step next to Cass, still sipping her water and pretending her pulse wasn’t pounding.

Behind them, she could hear Sam and Barnes — one silent, one muttering about bets.

Bucky led them to a stop and turned.

“I didn’t volunteer to train you,” he said plainly. “But I’m here now. So here’s the deal.”

His eyes scanned the group like he was cataloguing weaknesses.

“You give me your best, or you don’t last,” Bucky said flatly. “If you screw around, mouth off, or waste my time — I’ll personally make sure you’re back in whatever small town you crawled out of, folding laundry and telling your neighbors how close you almost got.”

He let it hang in the air for a beat. No one dared speak.

Sam raised a brow. “You done?”

“Nope.”

“Barnes is fine. ‘Sergeant’ if you want to piss me off.”

They moved on. At the end of the hall, tablet-woman glanced up.

“Fey, Monroe, Razi — Room 214,” Maria called. "Monroe. That's me," Cass spoke with a smile.

Spencer glanced toward her. “Guess you’re stuck with me after all.”

A third girl, tall with close-cropped hair and a sharp stare, stepped forward at the sound of her name.

“That’s me,” she said flatly. “Razi. Nadia Razi.”

Cass raised a brow. “Cool. We’re already a sitcom.”

✦ ✦ ✦

Room 214 was nothing special.

Two bunks, one trundle. A narrow desk, a closet meant to test their ability to share. Stark white walls that practically dared you to make them interesting.

Cass claimed the bottom bunk before Spencer could blink. “Back problems,” she said cheerfully, tossing her duffel up top for good measure. “That’s my excuse.”

Spencer shrugged and grabbed the trundle. She liked the floor. It felt grounded.

Nadia didn’t speak. Just started unpacking with the mechanical efficiency of someone who didn’t plan to stay long.

Spencer glanced at her once, curious — the girl moved like she was always waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

“Fun group,” Spencer murmured as she dropped her bag.

Nadia didn’t look up. “We’ll see.”

Spencer raised an eyebrow but didn’t push it. She’d learned to spot a wall when she saw one — and more importantly, when not to waste her breath trying to climb it.

Cass, meanwhile, had already kicked off her boots and was lying across the bottom bunk like she owned it. “So,” she said, propping herself up on her elbows, “what’s your story, Fey?”

Spencer blinked, mid-unzipping her duffel. “You want my tragic backstory already? We just met.”

“Obviously,” Cass replied, grinning. “This place is basically a superhero summer camp. We’ve all got baggage. I’m just making conversation.”

Nadia let out a quiet snort, the first sign of amusement she’d shown since they walked in.

Spencer smirked. “Alright. Fine. My story? Raised by wolves. Or nuns. Honestly, jury’s still out.”

Cass nodded seriously. “Mystery. I respect that.”

“What about you?” Spencer shot back, flopping onto the edge of the trundle. “What’s your baggage?”

“Oh, mine’s cute,” Cass said. “EMT turned SHIELD hopeful. You know. Classic overachiever spiral.”

“Respectable spiral.”

Nadia was silent again, folding a neatly pressed black shirt before sliding it into the drawer under her bed.

Cass glanced at her, hesitant. “What about you?”

Nadia didn’t answer right away. She kept her eyes on the drawer before shrugging. “Nothing worth telling.”

Something about the way she said it, clipped and final, made Spencer’s stomach pull tight.

Cass gave an awkward laugh. “Right. Yeah. Cool. No problem.”

The silence stretched too long after that.

Spencer leaned back on her elbows and stared at the ceiling. “So... bets on who gets kicked out first?”

Cass perked up. “Krell.”

“Definitely Krell.”

“Guy’s got glass ego and two brain cells.”

Spencer smiled. “Poor guy.”

Nadia didn’t chime in. But Spencer caught it — the faint flicker in her eyes. Not disinterest. Not quite agreement. Just watchfulness.

Later that night, the room settled into a kind of uneasy stillness.

Cass was already half-buried in her blanket, scrolling through something on her phone until the lights dimmed, signalling that it was time for them to sleep. Nadia lay on her back, eyes open, like sleep was something she hadn’t earned yet. Spencer, meanwhile, lay curled on the trundle, arm over her eyes, letting her thoughts drift.

Cass broke the silence first.

“You think Barnes is always like that? Or did we just catch him on a bad decade?”

Spencer let out a snort. “Sergeant Grumpy? I’m pretty sure that’s just his default setting.”

Cass laughed, loud enough to earn a glare from Nadia. “God, yes. That whole ‘Barnes is fine. Sergeant, if you wanna piss me off’ thing?” She dropped into a mock-gruff voice. “Real welcoming.”

Spencer smirked. “Tell me you wouldn’t say it on purpose.”

“Only once,” Cass said. “And then I’d probably be mopping up my own teeth.” She giggled, muffling it into her pillow. "I kept waiting for his face to crack or something. Like maybe he’d smile once and we’d all get vaporized.” “I think that was his version of smiling,” Spencer laughed, trying to stifle the sound with her arm.

From the top bunk, Cass whispered dramatically, “Do you think he sleeps upside-down like a bat?”

Spencer chuckled under her breath. “Only if he’s not too busy brooding in doorways and judging my every life choice.”

That earned another laugh. Even Nadia, still facing the ceiling, said quietly, “You did beat his golden boy.”

Spencer blinked. “Krell?”

Nadia nodded once. “Pretty sure he was supposed to be the one to prove a point. You kinda wrecked the narrative.”

“Huh.” Spencer didn’t quite know how to feel about that. “Guess no one told me I was supposed to lose.”

Silence again. Not cold this time — just thoughtful.

After a moment, Cass mumbled, “Well, for the record… I’m glad you didn’t.”

Spencer smiled in the dark.

“Me too.”

A sharp bang rattled the door.

They all jumped.

“Lights out means shut up.” Barnes’s voice came through the wall like a gunshot — low, rough, unmistakably pissed. “Go to sleep.”

Silence fell like a dropped curtain.

Cass whispered, “How the hell did he hear us?”

Spencer didn’t answer. Just rolled onto her side, grinning into her pillow.

✦ ✦ ✦

The security room was dim, cast in the low blue light of monitors and the occasional flicker of motion across camera feeds. Most of HQ was asleep. But not them.

Sam trudged in behind Bucky, hoodie half-zipped, coffee clutched in both hands like it was the only thing keeping him alive. He squinted at the clock on the wall.

“Buck, it’s barely four,” Sam huffed.

“Just watch,” Bucky cut in.

He was already standing stiff in front of the monitor bank, remote in hand, rewinding the feed with surgical precision. Training Room 3. Timestamp: 18:04.

Sam sighed and leaned on the console beside him. “This better be good.”

The footage played. Spencer stepped into frame.

No fanfare. No nerves. Just calm, focused movement as she walked to the mat. Krell was already waiting — shoulders hunched, neck rolling like he thought he was about to make a highlight reel.

The whistle blew.

“So we’re rewatching the moment you lost the bet?” he asked, grinning — but Bucky just rolled his eyes in response.

Duck. Counter. Hit. Move.

Sam straightened slightly. “She’s quick.”

“Watch her feet,” Bucky said.

They did. Spencer didn’t just dodge — she predicted. She wasn’t reacting so much as flowing around him. Her stance shifted just before Krell committed to each move, like she knew where he was going before he did.

Bucky rewound and slowed the footage.

“There. She steps right before he swings. Not even a flinch.”

Sam frowned. “Could be instinct. Or experience.”

“She’s... normal. No combat record. No previous training. She didn’t even trigger a flag on the CAB scans,” Bucky muttered.

Sam turned toward him. “So, what — you think she’s lying?”

Bucky shook his head. “No. She doesn’t even look surprised at herself. Like her body’s working faster than her brain. Like it’s... automatic.”

He let that hang.

Sam watched her sweep Krell’s leg clean and pivot like she’d done it a hundred times. Maybe more.

“Alright,” he said slowly. “That is weird.”

Bucky didn’t answer, just stared at the screen.

Sam took a sip of coffee, then added, “Or maybe you’re just mad you lost the bet.”

Bucky side-eyed him.

Sam smirked. “Come on. Don’t tell me it doesn’t sting. Picked the one girl who made your guy look like a crash test dummy.”

“She shouldn’t have been able to do that,” Bucky muttered.

“But she did.”

They let the footage run once more. Spencer, breath steady. Krell flat on the mat. The end of the clip cut to her offering him a hand — not smug, just composed. Controlled.

Almost too controlled.

Sam lowered his coffee. “You gonna tell Hill?”

Bucky didn’t respond right away. His jaw worked slightly as he stared at the paused frame.

“No.”

Sam raised a brow. “You always tell Hill.”

“She’s already stretched thin. Last thing she needs is us throwing around suspicions based on instinct.”

Sam studied him for a moment, expression cooling. “But you are suspicious.”

Bucky said nothing.

Sam leaned back with a sigh. “So we watch her.”

Bucky nodded once.

“And if something’s off...?”

“Then we find out what.”

Sam lifted his cup again. “Alright. But if it turns out she’s just a badass and you dragged me out of bed at four a.m. for no reason, you owe me breakfast. And an apology. Mostly breakfast.”

Bucky didn’t blink. “Deal.”

#bucky barnes #james bucky buchanan barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barnes x female oc #original female character #marvel fanfic #marvel fic

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pascaloverx · 1 year ago

Text

OUR SECRET — MYG

chapter four

Summary: You and Yoongi are having an affair. No, you are not being his lover. But the world is not ready to know that an idol is dating someone. So you two were doing your best to make sure no one found out. Until he breaks up with you. His mistake.

Author's note: This fanfic will contain inappropriate language and intimate moments between some characters. Be warned. I will let you know if anything becomes inappropriate. Please enjoy this Yoongi fanfic.

PREVIOUS NEXT

Luckily, Namjoon managed to get you home almost safe and sound. Of course, he had no way of knowing how Yoongi would react to the announcement that you were expecting his child. You didn't imagine yourself having a child so Yoongi's reaction seemed very natural, for someone who was taken by surprise. It's been almost four weeks since all that happened and there's no sign of Yoongi, not a message or call. You even wondered if he had survived to the last conversation you two had. Until you saw him on your television, promoting the group's new song. His gaze seemed so distant, as if he didn't want to be there or just couldn't concentrate. He remained silent almost the entire time the group was performing and promoting the song. When the program ended you turned off the television and lay down tired on the couch. Your feet are slowly becoming more painful depending on how long you stand. Your belly is already a little bigger, you are starting to feel like you are really pregnant. Someone knocks on your door loudly, you end up opening the door abruptly to curse the person knocking on it.

"Listen, don't you know how to knock on doors like a normal person?" You almost scream in the face of the person who was knocking on your door. His gaze and Yoongi's meet as if he already knew that the knocking on the door would irritate you.

"You look lovely." Yoongi says, entering her apartment without even asking if you wanted to welcome him.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Your mocking tone is as clear as your discomfort. He smiles awkwardly like someone who doesn't quite know what to do.

"Marry me?" He says, kneeling in front of you. You don't know how to react, laugh, cry, maybe scream.

"Are you fucking with me?" You don't know how to say that this proposal seems absurd. Sometimes you don't know what's going on in Min Yoongi's head.

"That wasn't the reaction I imagined you would have. But this is definitely not a refusal." Yoongi says almost ironically, and you laugh. How can he think you will accept this madness?

"My love, you break up with me saying that you and I don't belong together. Then you say that you want to come out to me even though we are no longer together. Then I tell you that we are going to have a child and you wonder if this isn't a plan. And now you want to marry me?" You let all your frustration and anger pour out of you as you speak. Your hand even seems to shake a little with nervousness.

"After thinking about it, I realized that this is the best thing for my... our life. You will be supported by me as your partner and father of the child and I will be able to tell the public." You wonder if Yoongi was always so robotic and practical. He talks about you getting married and him taking over your son like he talks about going to the grocery store and the pharmacy.

"Do you mean by this that you will be able to maintain your fame and the love of your fans if we get married?" You ask almost begging so he would say it's not about fame. That he wants to get married because he loves you.

"What do you want me to say? That I don't think about my career or that I don't think about our son?" He seems to lose his breath almost stuttering as he says this looking at you. You're exhausted from all this, there's a greater truth than that.

"I want you to say that you're not asking me to marry you as a damage contingency plan, Yoongi. Can you do that?" You look him in the face, as if you want to confront him.Have you already lost patience to a man as indecisive as he was.

"Getting married will be the best for both of us. Regardless of the intentions behind the marriage." Those words cut you more than a knife. Appearance marriage to resolve an unplanned pregnancy from a secret relationship. This is all so fucked up.

"I don't want to marry you. It's as simple as that. Whether or not you want to be part of this child's life is your business. But getting married for appearance, without any feelings, I don't do it." There’s something definitive about the way you communicate this to Yoongi. His opinion on marriage was that it should start with two people who want to be each other's companions. Not as an agreement between business partners.

"This is going to make everything difficult. Y/N...please reconsider. We both loved each other once." Yoongi approached so surprisingly quickly that you almost fell onto the couch in fright. He then placed his hands on your neck gently, caressing you. That's the trick he learned to try to get you to do what he wants.

"When did you become so manipulative?" You say, bringing your face closer to his. Your eyes were so intent on his.

"I haven't been able to concentrate since we broke up. Much less after I found out we were going to be a family. You accuse me of anything other than manipulating you. I'm opening my heart to you." He says, placing a light kiss on your lips, while caressing your face. Everything so soft and intimate.

"You should have asked me to marry you before saying we weren't meant for each other. What will everyone say when they find out that your wife is already pregnant?" You speak with your face against Yoongi's, closing your eyes feeling his lips taste in your mouth.

"Who cares what other people think?" He speaks so seriously that you smile slightly before giving him a peck and walking away.

"You. You care what other people think because your career depends a little on it. I can't judge you." You respond trying to understand Yoongi's side.

"Marry me, Y/N. I promise to give you my best as a husband and father. Could that be enough for you?" He speaks and then kisses you, not at all subtly. A kiss with emotion, where the hands of Yoongi held your waist firmly while his mouth explores every corner of yours.

"I don't know if it can. Personally I need to think about it." You say separating your lips from his. Yoongi looked disappointed but in a way I think he understood.

"When you know, you'll know where to find me." He says, kissing your forehead and leaving. Leaving you extremely helpless, without knowing if marrying him would help you in any way.

#bts angst #bts fanfic #spotify #yoongi fanfic #yoongi x you #min yoongi #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi x you #min yoongi fanfic #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #reader insert #pregnancy au #Spotify

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pedges-world · 3 months ago

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Fink's Phrases

Thank you @auteurdelabre for our beautiful coloring book! I'm making slow progress on my health journey, but the holidays were the hardest. This movie was so nurturing, and empowering during this difficult season. I could listen to Papi Pascal all day :) Thanks for indulging my inner child...

Sometimes, to survive, you must become more than you were programmed to be. When you grow up without something you… end up spending a lot of time thinking about it. No one has the programming for motherhood. We just make it up. Funny how life works. Death’s proximity makes life burn a little brighter. If you forgot to say something before you left, they may have heard it anyway. Sometimes hearts have their own conversations. Eating the task is not the same as completing the task. Most of you hate me and I hate most of you. Everyone in here hates someone else. But here we are and here's the deal: the first one that walks out that door is dead and if we can't keep it together in here, everyone's dead. We all got one chance to see next spring, because of her. The 'thing', the 'monster'. And while you all ran from her and stole from her and made fun of her all she's been trying to do is raise her kid. She's the one who got you out of the storm, built this place, and despite my suggestion that she let you all freeze, she risked everything to bring you here. I'm a fox, I do foxy things. It's in my nature!

#pedro pascal #wild robot

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ragana62 · 6 days ago

Note

⭐️⭐️⭐️?

We’re doing something from Hum because you didn’t specify and I feel like it, and because I know you’re a 4 fan, we’re doing Mags’s bit from chapter 3:

Morning came before the sun, but that was nothing new. Not in the games, not out of them. Everyone always talked about Eleven, Nine, sometimes Ten as the districts up with the sun, but Four was up well before then. The sea didn't sleep, the first nets were often up with the dawn, the people dragging them up could hardly be up any later. Victors of course had no reason to be on the trawlers though, but they had plenty to be up at odd hours. Unfortunate though it was, it had been near a lifetime since Mags had kept regular hours, and she would hardly be starting now that she was dead.

I stand by Four being a district that wakes up early, because if you’re fishing even recreationally you have to be. Long hours on ships too mean sometimes keeping odd hours, if you are on night watch or the like, you might even reverse your schedule a bit. That’s explicitly not why Mags doesn’t sleep much/keep regular hours though. In fact, I think she’s a bit of an insomniac, was worse of one when she was younger, and now fully still just goes until her body shuts down and demands sleep.

Nightmares are par for the course with victors generally, but Mags is someone I see as carrying a lot of the weight of more than just her own games or the kids she’s mentored over the years. She was the first of the new-adjacent games really, watched the games evolve from what they were in BOSAS to what they are by the time of THG/CF. Watched the victors she’s mentored/trained later on go from ‘ok we still don’t quite know what to do with you but we are giving you money and a house now so if we call you come back, ok?’ to ‘the games never end, if you win, the Capitol owns you now and will use you as it sees fit’, and I think that is a lot of burden to carry. Because it isn’t just the burden people assign to Haymitch/most mentors, of two dead kids every year to bring home and the knowledge you couldn’t do anything to save them.

It’s the burden that she was there when the games didn’t last forever and might have been able to do something about it (whether that’s true or not is a different story, but that is the feeling). It’s the burden that when she started the training program, the kids that survived got to go home to a better life and that meant particularly for some of the poorer kids and families especially she might actually be providing a service in training careers because they do have better survival odds now and they will have a better life if they survive, only to watch as over the years the calls from the Capitol become more frequent and while there will always now be families willing to let their kids put their names in more for more food and kids in that position wanting every chance at surviving they can get she knows it isn’t necessarily to come home to a better/easier life anymore and there’s nothing she can say to convince them otherwise. Which is what she’s referring to in the line below, even more than the just literal decades of dead kids she’s had to mentor and bring home in coffins whether from Four or from other districts.

It would be just her luck as well that even in death she couldn't escape the Training Center. The ghosts she'd buried over the years hadn't let her go in life, so it seemed fitting they could hardly let her go in death either.

That’s also what informs her thoughts below…

That had only been a matter of time really, with all the trouble they tended to cause. The Capitol could adore them all it liked, they were never properly welcome, never properly trusted, simply because they were never properly the same, were they?… District was District, no matter how you dressed it up and made it talk pretty for you.

Mags to me is almost a full foil for Snow in many capacities. He closes himself off as armor against being taken advantage of or judged, she opens herself up because being ‘games mom’ is a better role than some of the others she sees getting handed out to victors. He sees love and connection as fundamental weaknesses to be exploited, she tells the kids she mentored that alliances might just be what saves them (and I think she was fairly instrumental in organizing the early notions of the ‘Career Pack’ based on her own thoughts about alliances) and that she wanted to protect her district mate above all else in her first games. He’s willing to compartmentalize and sacrifice just about anything and anyone else for his own continued survival and success, and she’s the one who makes the sacrifice play without a second thought because it’s what needs to be done for the common goal even if others would be reluctant to accept it/do the same.

I don’t think this just works on purely ‘Snow Bad/Mags Good’ lines either though. He thinks the districts and their people are no more than animals, tools to be exploited at the best and dangerous liabilities to be feared at worst. I think, particularly after watching how the games evolved in real time and how the Capitol’s relationship with victors evolved in real time, she views the Capitol fairly similarly. It’s not trustworthy, they will go back on their promises, they will take everything from you with the same hand they gave it to you in the first place. You can give them exactly what they want and they will still punish you for not giving them more.

I think Mags is someone very aware of just how tenuous all of their positions are because she has watched what happens to victors from as close to day one as you can get by the time of mainline canon, when they aren’t perfect or even when they are. Katniss says in canon that victors’ kids get reaped disproportionately often. I can’t imagine every single victor who has a kid reaped if it’s that frequent is an active rebel or downright refusing to do what Snow wants and needing punishment. Some of them were probably just there and looking a little too happy and secure for his tastes, because hope is only good in controlled amounts and we can’t have the victors forgetting their place, now can we? She’s literally been tortured for the cause herself, to enough of an extent it causes her lifelong disabilities, and we have no canon reason to believe she was explicitly involved in the rebel plot at that point beyond being assigned to be Haymitch’s mentor and not immediately telling on Wiress and Beetee for their little meeting if she even was aware what they were up to. She might even have some vague knowledge that there was a victor the year before her and now nobody has seen her or heard from her since. She knows, just how quickly ‘victor’ turns into ‘victim’ given any reason to do so in the Capitol’s eyes.

Which is why she assumes she’s dead at the start of her section.

And she was dead, that she was fairly certain of. She was meant to be, after all. The screaming, the blistering skin, the burning eyes and throat, it felt like a distant memory now, weeks of being coated in some salve or swallowing some syrup seeing properly to that, but it still hardly seemed the sort of thing one walked off.

In fact, it’s not even that she assumes she’s dead so much as almost hopes that’s the case. She doesn’t trust the Capitol or its people, she doesn’t particularly like them, and she doesn’t see a reason for them (and Snow specifically) to necessarily like her. They haven’t been going out of their way to hurt her even after she was actively involved in a rebel plan to disrupt the games, they even patched her up and kept her alive. But for Mags, unlike Wiress in the same chapter and next one, she doesn’t see a reason yet why they would want her alive and potentially willing to cooperate. She can’t counter Beetee on the tech disruptions, she can’t take on a sort of counter-Mockingjay role whether in combat or as PR like some of the other victors the Capitol could get (at least she assumes at this point, and particularly after she sees who they do have available to them). Why would they keep her alive, if it costs them more effort and resources during a war to do so? She knows full well that you cut costs, you cull dead weight, you tie up any loose ends you can get your hands on, when you’re at war. You don’t feed and offer medical care to them.

She doesn’t get their reasoning, so she can’t trust them (not that she ever would, but she’s more inclined to trust what she can understand the motives of. She grew up during the Dark Days and immediately aftermath too, after all. She might not like what you’re doing all the time, but she can understand utility as a motive.). Which means it is much safer for her to be, and once the other victors start making an appearance, that they too are, dead. Because for her, after watching the terms of what it means to be a victor be renegotiated over and over again over the years and seeing the prices often paid for not only non-compliance but even just being there, it is objectively better to be dead than to be in the Capitol’s grasp, when you have no idea what they’re going to ask of you next.

Fanfic writer Director’s Cut ⭐️

#fanfiction #writer ask game #asks answered #the hunger games #thg #mags flanagan #RaganaThinksThings

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micvick · 1 year ago

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Between the Sea and the Sand

Themes and Warnings for this chapter: Death and violence, Mental health struggles, Poverty, Cultural and racial discrimination, Familial loss, Forced participation in violent events, The text contains mild profanity and colloquial language and words in spanish.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, and most of this text has been translated. The original text in Spanish is this: "Entre el mar y la arena".

Normal text: Spanish, Highlighted text: English

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The awakening in Puerto Cabello brings with it the penetrating smell of the sea, but this morning, the salty scent seems more ominous. My father's absence is palpable; I miss waking up to his tickles. I used to hate it, but now I miss it more than anything. I still haven't accepted that he's gone, and my brother Kai must already be on the boat. After my father's death, my best friend Annie's dad gave him a job as a helper on his boat. He's probably there now, working hard in the early morning light. Anxiety gnaws at me because today is the Reaping. Every year it's torture watching my friends go and not come back. They're always from our port because we're poor people. The only way to live for us is to ask for tesserae, and now it's my turn, my first year in the bowl. But my thoughts aren't centered on myself. The shadow of worry looms over my older brother, Kai, 17, whose name has been entered into the Reaping more times than I can count. In our toughest times after my father's death, all we could do was ask for tesserae, but he never let me take one, to the point that now his name is in the bowl 32 times.

Annually, the prospect of my brother leaving me in this brutal place horrifies me. Since our father's departure, Kai has become the family's pillar. It's just him and me, and if he doesn't survive these games, my existence hangs by a thread. In District 4 in Puerto Cabello, our home, life is tough, and survival becomes even more precarious. We're just one of the thousands of islands in District 4. We're nothing more than a place where people who shouldn't be here live. We're Hispanic, so we should be dead like the others in South America, but a few of us survive. Now we live here, in a place where we barely eat once a day and live off fish and seaweed. The only ones who live moderately well in this port are those who have businesses, and sometimes not even that, as mostly they live in houses with all their relatives together, although that's better than living in a house with just one room, one bathroom, and a roof almost collapsing. As I got up and dressed in my best clothes with a bracelet an old friend gave me, I saw the television that only serves to watch government programs and saw an announcement about the Reaping and what time it would be. That annoyed me, seeing how the presenter laughed and the people around him shouted with joy.

It's undeniable that the Hunger Games are considered a monstrosity by everyone. Instead of using their resources productively, the Capitol chooses to watch children fight to the death for events that happened 68 years ago. It's stupidity, as well as unfair, because our people's names always come out, a Hernandez, a Gonzalez, a Mendoza, since we're the only ones who desperately need tesserae. Interestingly, all the Latinos who go die, it's like you step into the arena and you die if you're Latino. One of the few Latinas I saw who won was Noorena Colinas, who won the 60th Hunger Games. I remember her very well because she always refused to speak English inside the arena. She always spoke her language, and it was the first games where the Capitol was forced to put subtitles because she was super interesting to the Capitol's audience. First, she fled to the forest, and with her machete that she grabbed a while later in the Cornucopia, she finished off each of the tributes on her own. When only she and a boy from District 2 were left, while fighting with the female tribute from District 5, he was very badly wounded. But he didn't realize something: Noorena was above him on a tree branch covered in blood from her previous victims, and when he least expected it, she with her machete cleanly cut off his head and declared herself the winner of the 60th Hunger Games. But still, it seemed depressing to me. She was praying all the time, always killed the tributes in ways they didn't suffer, and when she won, she broke down in tears and never appeared again as a mentor. This is unfair, girls and boys sent to die, and even though I don't agree, the government of Panem has no problem killing children like me.

I prepare to go to the Plaza de las Flores, grab my bag, and fill it with pearls that I got while walking on the beach near my house, hidden in a mini forest. Only I know about it, because no one wants to go there because of the mutts, and not normal ones, giant sea creatures, that can devour you as soon as they see you, but they haven't attacked me, I'm invisible to them. I grabbed a handful of pearls to exchange them for basic food at the square to have one more day of food. My destination is to meet my best friend, Annie Cresta, a Cuban whose laughter and warm hug are a balm in these dark times. And it always has been. When my father died, she was with me at my house for three days along with her mother. She gave me her lunch at school and comforted me whenever I needed it.

I go to the square and quickly go to a jeweler. He looks at me and greets me as he invites me into his tent. "Let's see, my girl, what do you have?" I showed him a bag full of pearls. "I can't believe it, where did you get so many?"

"I can't tell you, sir, you know they'll shut down my business." Anyway, entering that place is a death sentence.

"Well, my girl, how much do you want for them?" he said as he took money out of his cash register.

"With that amount of pearls, I think they would be like 300." I said, that would be enough for a week, but my brother eats a lot. He's tall and very strong and robust. He eats twice or even three times as much as I do, but his job warrants it. He gave me my 300 and shook my hand.

"Have a good day, girl, take care," he said as he stroked my head.

When I go out, I set out to look for Annie. They always give me my lunch for free there, black beans with rice and shredded meat. They always give me all kinds of food, and I appreciate that more than anything. At Annie's food stand, shouts and laughter can be heard from the entrance of the square, people dancing along with peacekeepers with their families eating. I enter the tent and there is Lucía, Annie's mother. She is counting the earnings while Annie hands me an empanada. "Chama, take this, you look malnourished," she laughs as she ruffles my hair.

"Yes, yes, Annie. As if I had ever experienced malnutrition with all those delicious dishes they prepare here," I reply with a smile. She has a quite particular sense of humor, she always tells me I'm skin and bones as an excuse to give me more food than I should. But she brightens up my day every day, and more so on a day like this. She was very nervous last year because

because she was eligible for the games for the first time that year. She spent her time praying every night, and I spent the two days before at her house because she was so nervous, and we didn't sleep those nights. Luckily, she wasn't reaped, but this year she's still nervous. She thinks I don't notice, but I know her so well that I even feel like I can read her mind.

"And are you excited for the party?" Lucia comments with sarcasm in her voice. "It's starting in two hours, so get moving and get ready. Today you should be more dressed up than ever, something formal like a dress," she says while looking me up and down. She doesn't do it unpleasantly; she has the same sense of humor as her daughter and her whole family, but it's like a Hispanic tradition, laughing to keep from crying, laughing to avoid suffering.

"Oh, ma'am, you know I don't have dresses. The only one I have is my mom's, and it's from her wedding. Today I'm not getting married, you know," I reply, trying to keep the mood light. But I would never wear my mother's dress for something like the reaping; I will never in my life wear it for anything. It's the only thing that holds the memory of my mother, and you can see her personality in it: a white dress with edges that simulate waves, with open sleeves and a light blue on each edge, and very shiny. I wouldn't be able to wear it, maybe at my wedding, but I don't want to get married. That means children, and I don't want to have them just to see them die.

Annie touches my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts, and says with a contagious laugh, "Don't worry, girl, I'll lend you a dress. Remember, I'm rolling in dough and have a bunch of dresses." It's a bit true; it's just that her seafood business became popular, and they even opened a restaurant downtown. Still, they refused to leave their home here. They say they belong to the port and won't leave unless it's necessary.

"Okay, if you say so, let's see," I agree, and Annie takes me by the hand to her house. Her house is in front of the square, and it's a huge house where Annie's whole family lives: her grandparents, uncles, cousins, great-grandparents, etc. She lives on the third floor with her mom, dad, and four brothers.

We climb the stairs until we reach her room. While she searches among her dresses, she continues talking to me about the latest news from the district, trying to dispel the tension that hangs in the air.

"Did you hear that Finnick Odair has another girlfriend? She's a redhead who lives in the rich neighborhood. Finnick sure doesn't waste time with the rich," Annie comments while she fixes my hair into two ponytails.

"Well, Finnick always had a weakness for redheads." All the time I've known him, he's always had that thing for redheads. He even told me once. I remember, we were in one of the many hidden coves near my house. We were talking about how a guy was pretending to court Annie, and the topic of what kind of boy or girl we like came up.

"Annie, what kind of guy do you like?" I said while eating ice cream. I remember that at that time neither she nor I could afford such luxuries, but Finnick bought us ice cream, just because he wanted to, not expecting anything in return.

"My type of guy is tall, muscular, tanned. Mana, you know what my type is."

"Your type is Mr. Carlitos' son," Finnick said, laughing. She grabbed a handful of sand and threatened to throw it at him, but in the end, she didn't do anything.

"And you, very cool guy, what's your type? No lying, lies and you get sand in your face," Annie said. He just laughed.

"My type is girls with a tan skin, brown eyes, freckles, and who are redheads." Finnick stared at me intensely after saying that, no idea why. Annie just burst out laughing and touched my shoulder.

"And you, girl, what's your type?"

"I don't have one," I said while playing with the sand. Suddenly, I feel a piece of sand fall on my head. I turn around and see Finnick. He said to me, "L-I-A-R." I grabbed a handful of sand, and we started a sand war. I miss that. I wish we had never drifted apart.

Annie was looking at quite a few dresses, but none seemed to convince her. Finally, at the back of the closet, she pulled out a light blue dress with shell design at the bottom of the dress and with sparkles on the neckline. "This dress is made for you," she says as she hands it to me to put on. It's very beautiful, too beautiful for someone like me to wear. "You should wear it, you'll look so beautiful. You'll look like a princess," she says.

"No, girl, I can't wear this. You should wear it." After I say that, she rolls her eyes.

"It's not a question, you're going to wear it," she says without giving me a chance to say anything else. Then she turns around and grabs a small box. When I open it, I feel like crying. It was my mother's necklace. We had to sell it after my father's death, a beautiful necklace with a mermaid holding a bluish-green stone that my mother wore all the time. "Happy early birthday."

"But how did you get it?" I was sobbing as I held it in my hands.

"I paid a guy with 4 zeros the amount you sold it for," she said while laughing and hugging me. "Should I put it on you?"

I nodded, and she put the necklace on me. I couldn't stop crying. Now I have more debts to repay her; rather, I will never be able to repay her. "Girl, this looks perfect on you." I look at myself in the mirror, and yes, I actually look somewhat pretty. "You're like a mermaid; you sing very well and swim better than anyone in this district. It seems like you could live in the water perfectly." I blush slightly at her comment, and before I can say anything, she takes my hand and says, "Come on, we've talked too much and the reaping is about to start."

With the borrowed dress, we head together to the Plaza de las Flores. The music and excitement increase as we approach the heart of the event. The reaping is about to begin, and although the fear persists, Annie's company gives me the strength to face what is to come.

On the way, I met my brother. I went and hugged him, and he hugged me back with more force. He had a small bag in his hand.

"What's that, brother?" I asked curiously.

"They're tequeños. Since it's going to be your birthday, I want you to gain like 5 kilos." It's a tradition for poor people like us to feed the next birthday person until they can't eat anymore. It's like a reward for staying alive.

I was eating them when peacekeepers directed us to the lines with the other children. I was almost in the front row, and the Plaza de las Flores is enveloped in a gloomy atmosphere as the reaping ceremony begins. The sky is cloudy, casting unsettling shadows on the faces of the District 4 residents. Annie and I grip each other's hands tightly, feeling the weight of uncertainty looming over us.

The District 4 escort, with his extravagant attire, steps onto the stage. He is followed by Mags and Finnick, victors of past Hunger Games, along with the mayor. I make eye contact, and he immediately winks at me. He was always this ridiculous, always trying to flirt with all the girls in the district. I just rolled my eyes and continued paying attention to the ceremony.

Silence takes hold of the plaza as he begins to recount the history of the dark days and how these games were made to punish the districts. Every word seems like an ominous echo, resonating in my heart. When it's time to announce the female tribute, the escort starts making jokes that don't quite fit at the moment. Then he says, "Ladies first." A chill runs down my spine as he pulls out the small slip of paper. I have a bad feeling.

"This year's female tribute is…" The escort takes a moment that seems endless before saying, with a voice that cuts through the air, "Marina Fernandez."

"No, this can't be real. This is impossible. How, why?" Annie says, looking at me horrified. I feel like time stops. The stares focus on me, and a mix of resignation and terror leaves me paralyzed. My heart beats hard, and the certainty that the Hunger Games stretch before me like a dark abyss consumes me. A peacekeeper pulls me toward the stage. I don't want to go, I'm too young to die, that's what all the tributes say, but there's nothing they can do. But in that moment, I find Kai's eyes in the crowd.

My brother's gaze reflects terror and shock. The anguish on his face doesn't go unnoticed. The possibility of losing me is as real as the Arena itself. The terror grows stronger and stronger. I'm not ready to face what's coming. The Capitol cameras focus on my face, and I know that every gesture, every expression, is being scrutinized.

The escort prepares to announce the male tribute. The air becomes denser, and nervous glances are exchanged among the district residents. I feel a commotion, but I'm so stunned that I don't realize my brother is advancing toward the stage.

"This year's male tribute is…" The escort hesitates for a moment before saying, "Kenji Ishika-" Everyone turns to see my brother shouting and making his way through the crowd.

"I OFFER MYSELF AS A TRIBUTE," he said with a desperate voice.

"Boy, I think you got a little ahead of yourself. Well, it doesn't matter. Come up on stage, please."

My heart sinks. The crowd reacts in shock. The Fernandez siblings. The people in the Capitol must be moved. This is cruel, but I can't say anything, because if I do, it will be worse for us. My gaze meets Annie's, paralyzed by surprise, and in her teary eyes, I see that she knows we won't make it out of this.

The reality of the tragedy hits me hard. My brother and I, condemned to the Hunger Games. Kai advances to the stage with determination. Our eyes meet, and in that moment, I know he will do whatever it takes to protect me, and that terrifies me. We will die because of me, all because of me.

The Plaza de las Flores plunges into a sepulchral silence as the Fernandez siblings face our fate. Darkness looms over us, but amidst the tragedy, the people around us start singing a song, a song that was used in ancient times to demonstrate pride. That gives me a spark of hope, but it's just an illusion of the deadly fate that awaits me.

#annie cresta #finnick odair x reader #finnick x y/n #hispanics #mags flanagan #the hunger games

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