#sorry for being a downwr

[heartofhubris-a]

Ok so things have been on my mind and I gotta legally preface this with I've had depression for 15 years and I've been suicidal for 12 so like were fine

Tw cancer, abuse, neglect

But like honestly iykyk but the feeling of being this broken for so long is such a comfort and a further reason for my depression to fester.

Like what kills me is this really is NOT normal. Parents abusing their children is not normal!

But like I wasn't ever hit. My sisters were, so I feel terrible since at least I wasn't hit but like.... what about the abuse I still got? It's so real and tangible ij the way I think and speak and interact with people.

Like I'd my parents had taken two seconds away from my brothers diagnosis, the signs were right there. But even that I feel guilty over since at the same time, my father was dying frok cancer. Like at least I had time with him not in a doctora office.

But at the same time I saw the man who let my learn how to trust fucking die infront of me!!! Have you seen your parent puke blood? Well bestie I held the sack with the clots for a min!

I've been abused so severely I simply shut down and go mute when someone yells at me, or my boundaries are getting ignored. "Just say no!" "Why didn't you say no?" We'll bestie. I didn't want to disappoint my partner since why couldn't i?

I hate getting like this. I feel so stupid and spoiled. I feel so spoiled for not wanting to be broken, and I find it so depressing that I feel guilt and disgust with myself just for wanting to not be abused. I'm constantly checking myself for not being my mom and what she does. But i don't know how to connect. I don't know how to klbe a human. How do I be a human? I'm clueless and I don't eveknknow how successful I am. Like I'm nearly constantly depersonalized, dissociated, or suicidal. I don't know how to change that, and I dont even know if it's possible for me to not be.

I haven't felt human since I was like 10, when the implications of what happened to me as a child started to hit me. I grew up with no sage spots, and no one to show me normalcy.

I don't want to kill myself. It's terrifying, though I do think of driving off some of the bluffs I drive. Many times I wouldn't be found in time, and it's addictive. I just don't want to exist anymore. I've never wanted to exist. I didn't ask for this. My being here make life worse for everyone in my family. I have measurable proof and the fucking guilt of this life haunts me. I know many people would be sad if I died, they've expressed as much.

But it's so hard today to argue out the voice pointing out it only takes a year or two for things to go back to normal. It's so hard today.