#sorry guys i was on vacation last week. only to come home to NO WIFI

[aprito]

thanks anon i have actually never drawn cisswaps before!! i tried to change like as little as possible so their insufferable personalities would still be getting in the way of their visuals and consequently romantic attention

bonus

she's looking out for her future grandson in law (nobody tell him)

[splendidly-secret-sick-fics]

I’m Fine: An AtsuHina sick fic (Part 1)

@wraithpoison said:

an atsuhina sick fic please <3

This is a request from my other blog! I’m sorry it took me so long. Honestly, I had a lot of trouble with this one for some reason? I rewrote it like three times :/ and this one is actually going to be in two parts too! This part isn’t too AtsuHina heavy, but the next part will be. 

I’m Fine: an AtsuHina sick fic (part 1)

Part 2

Pairing: Sick Atsumu, caretaker Hinata (also caretakers Rin & Osamu)

Word Count: 2,360

Trigger Warnings: vomiting, swearing, stressed Hinata :(

“I’ll be home as soon as I can, Tsumu,” Shoyo frowned at him through their FaceTime. Unfortunately, the redhead was in an airport, sitting at his gate waiting for his flight and not currently with Atsumu. He had headphones in, but they were picking up all of the noise around him and it made Atsumu’s head pound.

“I know, Sho. Try not to worry so much, alright? Imma big kid now. I can take care of a little fever by myself,” Atsumu responded sleepily. He was curled up in a blanket, lying on their couch.

The Jackals were given about 2 weeks off and Shoyo decided to use that time to go visit some of his friends in Brazil for a week. He invited Atsumu, but the latter declined, saying that he wanted to go home and see his mom.

Atsumu got home last night and Shoyo’s flight was set to arrive tomorrow morning. The plans worked out perfectly so that they’d have a week on their respective vacations and a week together.

While Atsumu was driving home last night, he started feeling lethargic and heavy and just overall Not Good. He brushed it off as exhaustion and went straight to bed when he got back, only to wake up this morning feeling worse. It didn’t take long for him to figure out that he had a fever. The sticky sweat that plastered his clothes to his body despite the chills he felt were a dead giveaway.

Shoyo called him when he got settled at the gate. Atsumu tried valiantly to appear healthy, but after 3 years of dating, Shoyo knew him entirely too well to be fooled. Now he was all anxious and trying to magically make the 24 hour journey from Rio to Tokyo happen in less time.

“I know, but I’m just worried. And I feel bad that I’m not there to help you,” Shoyo pouted. Atsumu rolled his eyes.

“It’s fine, Sho. I’ll see ya tomorrow and you can make me better with all the overdue cuddles I’m owed.”

Shoyo’s lips quirked up ever so slightly and Atsumu felt a little better.

“Did you take something?” Shoyo asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you staying hydrated?”

“Yes, baby.”

“Did you call Samu and Rin to let them know?”

“I just texted them. They’ll come runnin’ if I need ‘em,” he sighed.

“Do you want me to order you some soup from that one restaurant?”

“What? Sho, no-“

“They’ll deliver! I can do it from here. The airport has wifi and I might have to pay for it but that’s okay and if it means that—“ Shoyo started rambling frantically and Atsumu’s head spun.

“Shoyo, hey. Shut up, will ya?” He chuckled and Shoyo’s mouth snapped shut.

“Sorry, Tsumu. I just wish I was home already,” he looked down. (Atsumu obviously wasn’t with his boyfriend, but if he knew him at all, Shoyo was nervously picking at the hem of his shirt.)

“I know. Me too,” Atsumu replied. Truth be told, he was feeling a lot worse than he let on. At the least, he hoped Shoyo couldn’t tell.

His head felt like it was being squeezed, he was congested, those chills were still pretty prevalent, his body felt like it weighed 1000 pounds and he felt vaguely nauseous.

That’s what he was most afraid of, honestly. He really, really didn’t want to throw up. He’s never liked it; never handled it well. Hopefully he could stave off the nausea, at least until Shoyo got home.

Shoyo looked back up at him and Atsumu wanted more than anything for him to be home right now so he could physically rub away the anxious lines on his boyfriend’s face.

“I’ll be fine,” he reassured. Shoyo nodded.

“I’m gonna take a nap, okay? Yer flight leaves at midnight yer time right?” Again, Shoyo nodded. Perfect. That meant that he’d be home by noon tomorrow. It was about 10 in the morning in Tokyo (so 10 in the evening in Rio), so Atsumu only had to wait about 26 hours for Shoyo to get home. Hopefully, he’d be sleeping most of that time anyway.

“Okay,” he said, “can ya stop worrying? It’s just a little fever.” Shoyo groaned.

“Fine! Fine. As long as you promise to text your brother if you start feeling worse. Please don’t push yourself, Tsum-Tsum,” Shoyo all but begged. Atsumu gaped at him.

“Me? Overwork myself? I’m offended at the implication, babe” he teased. Shoyo rolled his eyes and raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m serious, Atsumu. You always push yourself more than you should. Don’t do that this time, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. Honestly,” he resituated himself, “I’m prob’ly just gonna take a nap and order take out. I don’t feel much like doing anything anyway,” he shrugged. And oops, he probably shouldn’t have said that. Immediately, Shoyo became more suspicious.

“You? Agreeing to rest? Are you sure it’s just a fever?”

“‘Course!” Atsumu forced a laugh and Shoyo’s eyes narrowed. “Have I ever lied to you, baby?”

“Yes,” Shoyo deadpanned, “all the time.” Atsumu bristled.

“Not about anything important, though! And my health is important,” he assured.

“Atsumu, please take this seriously. Fevers are no joke, okay? I know that all too well,” Shoyo said, a serious look on his face. Atsumu wanted to wash it away. He frowned, remembering nationals his second year of high school, watching Shoyo collapse on the court. They may not have been close yet, but it was scary nonetheless.

“I know. And I promise I am taking care of myself, alright?” he said, no longer trying to joke, but simply reassure. He hated causing Shoyo any sort of anxiety.

“I’m gonna go now, okay?” He said and Shoyo nodded.

“Okay. Alright. Take a nap. Stay hydrated. Text Osamu if you need to. Don’t be all proud,” Shoyo instructed.

“Yes, yes, okay. I love you. Have a safe flight,” he smiled. Shoyo’s face brightened and Atsumu felt slightly reassured that maybe, just maybe, Shoyo wouldn’t spend his entire 24 hour journey home worrying about him.

“I love you, too. See you tomorrow,” Shoyo replied and with that, the call ended.

As soon as Shoyo’s face disappeared from his phone, Atsumu sank into the couch and exhaled exhaustedly. Keeping up the appearance that he felt alright took way more energy than he thought.

He curled up on his side and wrapped his blanket tighter around himself. A nap. That’s what he needed. If he was asleep, he could ignore the headache and the nausea and the chills. And hopefully, when he woke up, he’d feel better.

With that thought, Atsumu went to sleep.

***

Shoyo stared anxiously at the screen that previously had his boyfriend’s pale, flushed face displayed on it. Atsumu was definitely more sick than he let on and Shoyo might punch him later for lying, but for the time being, there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t make his trip home any shorter.

Instead of letting panic take hold, he did the next best thing. He texted Osamu and Rintaro.

From: Shoyo

“Did Atsumu text you guys?”

From: Osamu

“Yeah. Sorry your boyfriend’s an idiot.”

From: Rin

“Samu, while you’re absolutely correct and should say so, maybe not right now.”

“Don’t worry, Sho. Samu is an ass, but he’s worried too. We’re gonna go check on that pig later today.”

Shoyo breathed a huge sigh of relief towards the ceiling. Osamu doesn’t show it, but he does care about his brother. And Shoyo could always count on them.

From: Shoyo

“Thank you guys. Let me know how he’s doing?”

“I just got off FaceTime with him and he was putting up a brave front, but he didn’t look good.”

From: Osamu

“Of course he was. I gotcha, Shoyo. I’ll knock some sense into the big stupid.”

From: Rin

“In other words, yes, we’ll keep you updated and make sure that he’s well taken care of. Don’t stress. Just focus on getting home and leave the time in between to us.”

Shoyo did feel better knowing that Rin and Osamu were so close to Atsumu and could check up on him. He’d be okay. So, for the time being, all he could do was wait.

***

Atsumu woke up to conversation. He squeezed his eyes and shifted around, groaning. Whoever was talking needed to shut up. The tightness in his head hadn’t let up at all and he was absolutely freezing.

“Oh, yer awake. Finally.”

Atsumu scrunched his eyebrows together and blinked his eyes open, only to find his brother and Rin sitting on the love seat next to the couch.

“Samu?” He croaked.

“Yeah. We’re actually here. It’s not some crazy fever induced dream,” he said in his usual monotone.

“More like a nightmare,” Atsumu mumbled. He sat up and the room spun. He moaned and put his face in his hands.

“How are you feeling?” Rin asked him. Atsumu glanced at his phone. It was about two thirty in the afternoon. Twenty one and half hours until Shoyo was home.

“Fine,” he responded, but it was muffled by his hands. “I told you you guys I’d let ya know if I needed ya. Why’re you here?” He looked at them again.

“Shoyo asked us to come.” Rin shrugged.

“‘Course he did,” he sighed.

“Well, it’s a good thing we did. Ya look like shit,” Osamu said bluntly and stood up. He left the room, but came back a second later with some soup and a ginger ale.

“Eat. Then take some more meds and then we’ll get outta yer hair.”

Atsumu stared at the soup for a second and his stomach turned itself over. He really didn’t want to put anything in his body right now.

“Did ya poison it?” He tried to disguise the involuntary curl of his lip off as an insult towards his brother.

“Wha—no, you stupid pig, we didn’t poison it.” Osamu almost yelled, his eyebrows furrowing together. In fact, Atsumu was sure that if he wasn’t feeling so awful, his brother would have yelled and smacked him upside the head. But Osamu also happened to know Atsumu entirely too well.

“It’s from some restaurant that Shoyo told us about. He said it was your favorite,” Rin said, his tone quiet. Probably because Osamu knew Atsumu had a headache and warned Rin.

Atsumu felt his chest twist. Shoyo sent them? And told them about his favorite soup? Atsumu wanted to cry.

“Are you crying?” Rin asked, wide eyed. Oh, maybe he was crying. He couldn’t tell, honestly. His face was hot, regardless.

“Ppppfttt,” Osamu held back a laugh.

“Hey! Don’t be an ass. I don’t feel good and I miss my boyfriend,” Atsumu sniffled. “Need I remind ya of the time Rin was gone for a week and ya whined to me about it nightly,” he shot back. Osamu shut up.

“Just eat it,” was all he said. Atsumu must look at lot worse than he thinks because Osamu wasn’t fighting back. He only did that when he knew Atsumu really wasn’t feeling good—physically or mentally.

Staring at the soup, he couldn’t help the twist of his face again.

“Tsumu,” Osamu sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Does yer stomach hurt?”

Atsumu blushed (or was that his fever?) and shook his head rapidly.

“No! It’s...it’s fine. I’m fine,” he said probably too hastily.

“Don’t lie, please.” Osamu put a hand on his hip and stared Atsumu down. Rin looked between them curiously. Atsumu glared at his brother.

“It’s a little uneasy. But I’m fine,” he insisted.

“Are ya sure you don’t want us to stay with ya until Shoyo gets back?” Osamu asked gently. From the corner of his eye, Atsumu saw Rin’s eyes widen at the abrupt softness coming from Osamu.

Atsumu hesitated. Did he want them to stay? They were offering. It’s not like he was inconveniencing them in any way. Osamu may be a dick, but he was still his brother. And if he was going to puke later, he’d want someone else here. He opened his mouth to say yes please stay I don’t want to be alone, but was cut off by Sunarin.

“Samu, we can’t stay. We promised Akaashi we’d take the twins overnight since they went out of town with Kuroo and Kenma,” Sunarin said. He pulled his lips into a tight line and picked at his fingernails.

Clearly, he didn’t want to leave Atsumu alone. But the Bokuto twins were handfuls at best and nightmares at worst. There was no way that Rin could watch them alone. And Atsumu couldn’t very well go over there and risk getting them sick.

Osamu looked between the two of them and bit his lip.

“Rin, would you mind if—“

“It’s fine, Samu,” Atsumu interrupted. It wasn’t fine.

Osamu’s eyes burned holes into Atsumu’s face. He knew. He knew that Atsumu was nauseas. He knew that Atsumu hated vomiting. Atsumu appreciated it, he did. But he didn’t need his brother to come to his rescue.

“Sho will be home tomorrow morning. It’s fine. I’ll call if I need ya,” he tried to sound confident, but his voice shook. His throat hurt.

Osamu obviously didn’t believe him, the frown on his face and the pull of his eyebrows giving him away. He exhaled through his lips and nodded.

“Okay. But seriously, you can call if ya need to,” he resigned and sat down beside Atsumu on the couch.

Rin and Osamu stayed for a few more hours until they absolutely had to leave. Osamu was still reluctant and it made Atsumu happy when he remembered how much his brother cared, despite the way it looked to outsiders. With another promise to call if he needed to, the two of them left Atsumu alone once more.

He surveyed his body.

Headache? Crushing.

Fever? Scorching.

Body Aches? Heavy.

Nausea? Prevalent.

He moaned and curled tightly in on himself once more. The DVD player under the TV said it was nearly five pm. A little more than 17 hours until Shoyo was home. He could do this. He’d be fine.

***

He was not fine. He was absolutely not fine.

Atsumu heaved into the toilet, gripping the seat tightly. Everything happened so fast. One second he was asleep on the couch and in the next second he was sprinting to the bathroom, just barely making it before projectile vomiting into the toilet.

The room around him swirled and his throat burned with every aborted heave. What time was it? Would Shoyo be home soon? He felt so so terrible. It was so hot. Sweat covered every inch of his body, making it difficult to keep his hold on the toilet. Despite that, he was still trembling. His fever was probably way too high. He should do something about that, right?

His stomach lurched again and he belched wetly, but swallowed down whatever tried to come up. He refused. The loss of control that accompanied throwing up made him feel helpless and horrible and dammit what was that high pitched whine? It cut through his brain like a knife.

Finally, he was granted a reprieve and gasping, he sat back on his heels. He needed to move, needed to do something while he had the time. If he knew his body at all, he knew this was going to be a long fight that he would inevitably lose. It was such a surprise he didn’t have time to prepare. He wiped at his face.

Oh, he was crying. That was probably the whining that still hadn’t stopped. Pathetic.

Okay, it was fine. He could do this. Grabbing onto the sink, he hoisted himself up on unsteady legs.

In the next fifteen minutes, he managed to grab a blanket, a pillow, his phone, some crackers (not that he really wanted to eat them) and one of Shoyo’s nasty fruity sports drinks. The whole endeavor took way longer than it should have, but all of his movements were sluggish and difficult. It also became blatantly obvious that the battle against his stomach was not one he was going to win.

Just the thought of puking more kept a steady flow of tears streaming down his cheeks the entire trip.

Finally, he made it back to the bathroom and set up camp for the night. Smacking the screen of his phone, he checked the time.

“12:27 am” taunted him. Less than 12 hours. Good. He managed to sleep for around 5 hours.

Nausea swirled in his gut and he whimpered. Several unproductive heaves later, he was left reeling.

Somewhere in the haze of his mind, he thought to contact his brother. He couldn’t open his mouth though. No chance. Then he’d for sure puke. Where was Shoyo? He wanted Shoyo.

He picked up his phone in shaking fingers and sent a slew of what he hoped were coherent texts to their group chat with Osamu and Rin. Slowly but surely, he was losing his grasp on his surroundings, the fever messing with his brain.

Help. He needed help. He was scared.

Disgusting gurgles sounded from his stomach and he choked on a sob. He rested a cheek on the toilet seat, and gagged.

“No, no no no,” he cried, but he couldn’t stop it. He was too sick. Too weak. Too tired. Instead of trying to force it back down, he dropped his jaw and burped. Vomit poured out of his mouth and he sobbed between heaves.

When the fit ended, he collapsed onto the floor, gasping and crying. Why was this happening? Where was Shoyo? Why wasn’t his boyfriend here? Did he get tired of Atsumu and leave him? What about Osamu? Was he sick of Atsumu too?

Of course. Of course they were.

Shoyo. He just wanted his boyfriend. Why wasn’t he here? Why why why what did Atsumu do to chase him away?

Those were the last thoughts that plagued Atsumu’s mind before his surroundings faded away completely.

[creampuffqueen]

Deep in the Heart of Texas - Four

a/n: Hey y’all! I am so sorry this took so long to get out! This chapter really fought me for some reason, but I think I finally got it to where I like it, so here it is! Currently I’m on vacation, and sadly, our WiFi went down yesterday and hasn’t come back. So I’m posting this by jumping on my personal hotspot for a second, then getting off. Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy! Likes, reblogs, and comments are most appreciated <3

Summary: Aelin Galathynius is ready for the best summer of her life. She’s home from college for the summer, and so are all of her friends. Even her cousin is on a break from the military. Everything is set up to be perfect. Until… her mother decides to let the son of an old family friend stay with them while he grieves the loss of a loved one. And Aelin is not going to let a party pooper ruin her summer.

Rowan Whitethorn has just suffered the biggest loss of his life: the death of his long-time girlfriend, Lyria. His family is sick of him moping around his tiny New York apartment, so they ship him down south for the summer. The last thing Rowan wants is to spend his vacation in Nowhereville, Texas, but he has little choice. Not to mention, the only people his age seem to hate him. How on earth is he going to survive 3 months of this?

“Hey, you!” Lys greets her as Aelin pulls into the driveway of her best friend’s house. Aelin lives on some land, but Lysandra is the one who owns land. She has several horses, cows, chickens, and some goats hanging around. Not enough to make money, just to have some fresh milk and eggs at home. 

“I meant to be here earlier, but my mom made me drop off Rowan at the Terrasen Motel.” Aelin sighs.

“Why, are y’all getting rid of him?”

Aelin groans, opening up the passenger side door to let Fleetfoot out. “If only. No, the bastard has some friends in town, and asked me to take him over.”

“Well, are they at least hot? That’s the most important part.” Lysandra laughs as she and Aelin walk through the yard and towards the pasture, where the horses are. 

“I dunno. I high tailed it out of there before he even stepped out of the truck.” 

Lysandra is easy to be around, the kind of person you can just tell anything to. As much as Aelin loves her other friends, right now is about the time Elide, Yrene, and Nehemia would be chastising her, telling her to be kind and remember her manners. 

But not Lysandra.

The two of them, Fleetfoot on their heels, walk arm-in-arm out to the pasture, smiling even as the oppressive heat grows worse. With the Ennars’ land being near a forest, the horses have access to both trees and a pond, though Lys has water buckets still hanging on the fence near the gate anyway. 

Fleetfoot, clearly scenting the horses, is bouncing around excitedly, pink tongue lolling out as she dances from paw to paw. When Lys opens the gate, the golden dog sprints away in a flash, running to greet the large beasts roaming around the pasture.

“ I haven’t ridden Quince in a while, so I’ll take her out today. You can choose whoever you want.”

They find Quince standing in the shade of an oak tree, her dark tail lazily swatting at flies and mosquitoes. Standing with her is Poppy, the pale brown mare drinking from the pond. 

“Hey, girlies.” Aelin coos, stroking Poppy’s nose. “Wanna go for a ride?”

“C’mon, you two.” Lys coaxes the two horses forward, Fleetfoot darting between them when she clicks her tongue. “We’re gonna go for a ride. And after we’ll brush you and give you some nice apples and oats. Does that sound good?”

They slowly lead the horses towards the barn to get them tacked up, both of them moving nearly on muscle memory as they talk the entire time. 

“My mother is trying to include Rowan in everything we do.” Aelin complains. “What are we going to do with him if we go to the beach or something?”

“I mean,” Lysandra shrugs, “while I’m sure he’s a prick, he is very attractive. I wouldn’t mind having him on the beach. Maybe he’d take his shirt off.”

Aelin just groans loudly, a halfhearted attempt to get the image out of her brain, where he was just woken up, silver hair messy-

The horse snorts beside her face, dragging her away from the thought. 

“Whatever, Lys. Let’s go riding.”

Both girls mount the horses and ride them out of the barn. The Texas sun is burning high, and while she’s only been outside for a bit, Aelin is already sweating like a pig. She can’t wait to be in the cover of the trees. 

Fleetfoot trots alongside the horses happily, keeping pace while they head towards the riding trail around Lys’s house. 

At least beneath the trees it’s a bit cooler, though no less humid. But the trail is wide enough for both horses to walk side by side, and it’s just the kind of calm Aelin needs after pissing off her mother. 

Poppy is sturdy beneath her, and the horse doesn’t lean off the path to nibble at the overgrown vegetation. She just keeps moving forward. 

“You know,” Lysandra starts, and from her tone of voice Aelin already knows what’s coming. “I still don’t really understand what you have against this Rowan guy. I mean-”

Aelin cuts off her friend with a loud groan. “Don’t start. He’s an asshole, that’s what I have against him.”

“How do you really know he’s an asshole, though? He’s only been here a few days.”

The blonde woman rolls her eyes. “First off, he insulted the town-”

“Well in that case, screw him.” Lys giggles. Aelin reaches over, leaning off the side of her horse, just to punch her in the arm. 

“He just is, Lys. If you met him you’d know.”

Her friend doesn’t comment on the Rowan situation any more, instead pulling her horse slightly ahead to forge onward. 

“You know,” Aelin mimics, a mischievous grin appearing on her features. “I noticed that you looked pretty cozy with Aedion at the barbecue last week.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lysandra says primly, though there’s no hiding the blush that rises to her face. Already flushed from the heat, her entire face turns tomato-red. 

Aelin just smirks. “Okay, if that’s what you say. I just thought you might be interested in the fact that he got a new girlfriend-”

“Oh, shut up.” Now it’s Lys’s turn to punch her. Below them, Fleetfoot woofs loudly, paws crunching on the dry grass as she pads along behind the horses. “You can’t fool me, Aelin Ashryver. That man is about as hopeless with women as you are at hiding your underage drinking.”

“Like you weren’t drinking right along with me!” Aelin protests.

“Yes, but at least I was hiding it.”

The two women dissolve into friendly squabbling as they continue on, the path eventually emerging from the trees and right back into the pasture. 

Poppy is getting slightly restless, and Aelin can feel the mare’s desperation to run. It is only fair, she supposes.

When Aelin locks eyes with Lysandra, they both instantly get the same idea.

Race you.

With a quick kick to Poppy’s sides, the brown horse instantly breaks into a gallop, tearing across the pasture with joy. Quince is right on their heels, and poor Fleetfoot is left in the dust. 

There isn’t any wind, but Aelin’s hair is still blowing behind her, whipping free from its braids. Poppy tosses her head and her mane, and Aelin can’t help the wild cry of joy that escapes her throat, the sound carrying over the whole pasture. Lysandra whoops as well, both of them lost in the enchantment of running on horseback. 

The horses can’t keep up the fast pace forever, and eventually Quince and Poppy slow down, and Aelin gifts her mare with plenty of praise and kisses as she dismounts. 

“Good girl, Poppy.” She coos. “Let’s go get you some water, you good, good girl.”

They find Fleetfoot wading in the water, drinking alongside a few other horses. Poppy and Quince drink their fill while Aelin and Lys had back to the barn to get a few treats before untacking them. 

Leading the horses away from the water is easier said than done, as both of them are reluctant to leave the pond. Eventually, with the help of many horse treats, they manage to get both of them to the barn to untack them. 

It’s about 3 o’clock, and the sun is dipping ever so slightly. Of course, it won’t get dark until about 8, but at least the sun is mildly less intense.

“I still have a while until I have to be home.” Aelin tells her friend. “I don’t know what Mom’s cooking for dinner, but it’s important enough she wants me home for it.”

“If she’s making fried chicken tell her to prepare enough for me, too.” Lys grins. “God, I wish I could live off of just your mom’s fried chicken.”

Aelin rolls her eyes. “Don’t we all.”

“Well, if you don’t have to be home yet…” Lysandra’s grin turns devious. “I do have a few projects I could use some help on.”

When Lysandra hands her the rake and points her towards the horse stalls, Aelin just sighs. 

Forget Rowan Whitethorn ruining her summer, her best friend has decided to aid in her misery by making her muck out the stable.

~~~~

After pretty much getting kicked to the curb from Aelin’s truck, Rowan is in a pretty foul mood. And it’s only worsened when the attendant at the front desk attempts to make small talk. 

“You’re not from around here, are ya?” The man says, though it is friendly. Despite that, Rowan is pissed off at the world, and he barely gives more than one-word answers until he spots a familiar golden head down the hallway.

“Rowan!” Fenrys shouts, nearly crashing into him in his excitement. Lorcan rounds the corner, a lot more calmly than their friend.

“Hey.” Rowan sighs. “Glad you two could actually make it down.”

“Okay, I don’t care what either of you two grumps say, this place is awesome.” Fenrys laughs. “Everyone is so friendly, and the food is great, and-”

“And it’s fucking hot.” Lorcan groans. 

“Okay, maybe it’s kind of hot-” Fenrys continues, but Rowan interrupts him.

“Goddamn, it is hot. And humid. How is any place allowed to be both this hot and this wet at the same time?”

“We’re actually just emerging from a drought.” The attendant pipes in helpfully. 

“Let’s go eat.” Lorcan says, ignoring the man. “I’m starving.”

If the attendant is put out by the dismissal, he clearly doesn’t show it, because he keeps talking. “Y’all should head on down to Banjali. Ytger Hospitality has some of the best food in the county.”

“Yeah, let’s do that!” Fenrys is far too excited and has far too much energy for Rowan to handle, but then again, when is anybody energetic enough to deal with him?

“Whatever.” Lorcan shrugs. 

They all pile into the small rental car that Fenrys got at the airport, Rowan being forced to sit in the backseat yet again. Fenrys, sitting shotgun, is scrolling through his phone as he attempts to locate the restaurant the attendant told them about. 

In all honesty, Rowan would rather pick up fast food and be done with it. He doesn’t know if he has the mental strength to be out in public for an extended period of time. 

But Fenrys is unstoppable. “Every review for the restaurant is at least four stars! It has a 4.5 average! I bet it’s going to be so good!”

Neither Lorcan nor Rowan comment much until Lorcan pulls into the parking lot. The restaurant is large, with a massive banner saying “Ytger Hospitality” hung over the entrance. 

Fenrys all but sprints inside, only held back by Rowan grabbing his arm. 

Inside almost feels… homey. The way it’s decorated, the design, the music playing in the background. It feels like Rowan just walked into his aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. Smells like it, too.

“Hello! How many in your party?” Rowan almost does a double take, looking over at the host. 

It’s a boy, no more than thirteen years old. 

“Uh- is that legal?” Lorcan snorts, taking in the form of the kid. 

“My family owns this restaurant, mister. It’s family owned, family run. We all work here. My older sister waits tables, and my younger brother helps wash dishes. How many in your party?”

“Er… three.” Rowan manages. He’s never been to a restaurant where the kids are working. Is it considered child labor if it’s your own children doing it? 

All three of them are ever so slightly disgruntled as the kid leads them to their table in the corner. He leaves them with menus and silverware, and hardly spares them another passing glance. 

It isn’t long before a waitress comes over, a young woman with long black hair and dark skin. 

“Can I get y’all something to drink? I’m Nehemia, I’ll be your waitress today.”

One glance at Fenrys and Rowan has to hold back a groan. The golden-haired man is one step away from looking like the heart-eyes emoji. The woman either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, instead observing them with a quiet grace. 

“Just a water.” Rowan tells her. Lorcan agrees and orders his own, while Fenrys just… stares. 

“Um… I’ll have the, uh, iced tea?” Fenrys manages to make it sound more like a question.

“Sweet or unsweet?” Nehemia asks.

“Er… sweet. Please.”

The waitress nods, tucking the pen behind her ear after writing down their drink orders. When she turns around, Rowan nearly has to snap Fenrys’s jaw shut.

“What the hell, man.” Lorcan hisses. “You see one pretty girl and forget how to speak?”

“She’s not just pretty, she’s gorgeous.” Fenrys sighs. “Holy shit. I have never seen a more beautiful person in my life.”

“Except for you, I’m assuming?” Rowan snorts. 

Fenrys shakes his head. “No. Even my ethereal beauty can’t compete with her.”

“Damn. You’ve literally just met her.” Rowan continues. “Anyway, what does it matter? You two aren’t going to be here for long anyway, so there’s no point in starting a relationship.”

Now Fenrys is looking at him like he wants to commit murder.

“Anyway,” Lorcan says pointedly, “we should look at the menus. I’m starving.”

Rowan browses, but he isn’t incredibly hungry anyway. Fenrys and Lorcan chatter among each other, pointing out what sounds good, but all Rowan can do is look out the window. 

“Are y’all ready to order or do you need a few more minutes?” The drawling accent of the waitress pulls him from his slight stupor, and he looks away from the sight outside. 

“I’m ready.” Lorcan offers. “I’ll take the fried catfish.”

“You get two sides with that.” Nehemia tells him.

“Alright, then I’ll have… green beans and mashed potatoes.”

She turns to him next, and Rowan orders a simple cheeseburger with french fries. Then she goes to Fenrys.

“In your opinion, what’s the best thing here?” He croons. It’s clear flirtation, and both Rowan and Lorcan visibly cringe. The waitress, however, doesn’t seem too affected. 

“Chicken fried steak.” She says without hesitation. “With mashed potatoes and fried okra on the side.”

Jesus Christ, Rowan thinks, why is everything fried here?

“I’ll have that.” Fenrys says with a grin. The waitress finishes writing everything down, then heads over to the next table. 

All Lorcan and Rowan can do is shake their heads.

~~~~

The food was good. Delicious, actually, and Rowan is more stuffed than he’s ever been in his life as they make their way back to the car. All three of them collapse into their seats, groaning. 

“I’m never going to need to eat again.” Lorcan mumbles.

“I should have stopped eating.” Fenrys laments. “But I just couldn’t.”

Rowan can’t even muster up enough energy to reply. The heat, the food, all of it combined made him want to go to sleep and never wake up.

“Just take me back, please.” He finally manages to say.

“Sure thing.” Lorcan buckles his seatbelt and puts the car in drive, pulling smoothly out of the parking lot.

None of the men speak on the way back to the Galathynius house, save for Rowan giving mediocre directions. Eventually, they pull up in the driveway, and Fenrys lets out a low whistle.

“Damn, Rowan. Living the high life, aren’t you?”

“Shut up.” Rowan sighs. 

“See you around, man.” Lorcan says, ignoring Fenrys. 

Rowan pulls his bloated self out of the car, walking up to the front door. Evalin gave him a copy of the keys the other night, but right before he lets himself in, the lady of the house herself beats him to it.

“Rowan, you’re back!” She says in that cheerful voice. She glances over to the car parked in the driveway, where, through the windshield, Rowan can see Lorcan on his phone. 

“Are those your friends? Where are they staying?”

“Terrasen Motel.” Rowan tells her. “They’re only staying for-”

“Oh, they can’t stay there!” Evalin laments. “We have lots of room, they can stay with us! That motel should have closed years ago, honestly.”

“Er-”

Evalin doesn’t stop. “It’s not a problem, Rowan. We love having company, they can stay as long as they need.”

At the risk of seeming rude or ungrateful or anything else in the eyes of his host, Rowan pulls out his phone and sends a quick text to Fenrys and Lorcan.

Rowan: Hey, Evalin is offering you guys a place to stay while you’re here. You don’t have to accept, really.

Before he can send another text, telling them not to respond, Fenrys’s reply nearly buzzes his phone out of his hand.

Fenrys: WOULD WE EVER?! HELL YES

Sweet Jesus. 

All Rowan can think about, as Lorcan and Fenrys speed off to get their things, is that if Aelin hates him now, she’s certainly going to despise him after this.

And he doesn’t know why, but he just can’t stand the thought of her being more upset with him than she already is. 

~~~~

Nehemia: Aelin, your mans just came to the restaurant

Aelin: You asshole, how do you even know what he looks like?

Nehemia: Well, first of all, he was clearly a yankee, and second of all, with a last name like Whitethorn, of course he’d have white hair. 

Aelin: Your logic is lacking but I’ll give it to you anyway. He’s an asshole, isn’t he?

Nehemia: Yeah, he didn’t say please and thank you when ordering, so I’ve decided he’s actually the devil.

The sarcasm is clear, even through the phone, and Aelin can’t hold back her laugh. She really should be heading home, but right now she’s parked in front of Lysandra’s house, with Fleetfoot nearly on her lap, still panting from the heat.

Aelin: Hey, do you want to come over? We can eat ice cream in my bed and gossip loud enough that Mr. Asshole Yankee can hear us down the hall

Nehemia: Well, I was gonna say no, but after you said the word gossip it changed my answer. 

Aelin: Alright, just come over whenever. I’m heading back from Lys’s right now.

The drive home is short, and since she hasn’t heard a word from Rowan or anyone else telling her to pick him up, she passes right by the Terrasen Motel without a second glance. 

Something is different when Aelin pulls up to her house. There’s another car parked in the driveway. However, her mother always has someone over to drink sweet tea with, so it’s no matter.

That is, of course, until someone opens up the front door. Aelin isn’t even out of the truck yet, but she can clearly see that the two people in the entryway aren’t the usual demographic for her mother’s gossip sessions.

Two young men, one with dark hair and one with gold, hurry down the stairs to the car. And following them?

Rowan. It’s Rowan Whitethorn who is following them as they open up the trunk of the car and take out their suitcases. 

Aelin is seeing red. It’s one thing for Rowan to stay with them. After all, he was invited. But for him to invite his own friends?

But before Aelin can pop a blood vessel, the golden haired man comes over to the truck and raps on the window, a bright grin on his features. Skeptically, Aelin rolls the window down.

“Hi!” He says, far too enthusiastically for her liking. “Fenrys Moonbeam.” He gives her his hand to shake, which Aelin does reluctantly. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” He smiles. 

“And I’ve heard absolutely nothing about you.” She responds.

He laughs at that. “Well, you’ll have to get to know me, then. Your mother was really kind to offer us a place to stay.”

Well, Aelin supposes, if her mother offered, she really can’t be mad. And this Fenrys character seems decent enough. 

She finally gets out of the car, letting Fleetfoot out as well so the dog can sniff the new arrivals. Rowan doesn’t say anything, though Fenrys leans down to coo over the dog.

Nehemia’s car comes rumbling down the street, the other woman parking on the already crowded driveway. Fleetfoot runs over to her just as the other woman hops out.

“Hey Aelin! Who’s all this?” Nehemia strides up to embrace her friend, and Aelin gladly accepts the hug.

“My mother is creating a hotel, apparently.” She chuckles. 

But her friend isn’t listening. Nehemia’s interest is entirely taken by the golden man in front of her.

“Um… hello, again.” Fenrys says sheepishly.

Aelin looks between them frantically, at Fenrys, at Nehemia.

“Do y’all know each other?”

----

a/n: Well, well, well... drama. Some other random southern america facts- yes, people do usually let their kids work in family owned restaurants! I know a girl who’s family owns an awesome Mexican restaurant, and when you go there both she and her younger brother are working. So yeah, having Nehemia’s little brothers work, since the restaurant is family owned, isn’t that unusual down here! And also, yes, everything is fried. Everything.

Tag List: Comment to be added or removed!

@http-itsrebecca​

@rowaelinforeverworld​

@whyyoumakemesadstahp

@queen-of-glass​

@the-dark-swan​

@faerie-queen-fireheart​

[chicgeekgirl89]

Country Roads, Take Me Home: Chap. 4

Fandom: NCIS LA

Characters: Marty Deeks, Kensi Blye

Read Chapters 1-3 Here

                                    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Deeks and Kensi were up early the next morning to start their drive to Nevada. All was quiet from Bill and Carol’s RV and they were able to leave without saying goodbye to their whacky neighbors. 

They stopped for breakfast on their way out of town at a small local diner that, according to one Yelp review, had “the best donuts in the world.” Kensi couldn’t disagree, they were pretty amazing.

“So, onto Nevada?” she said around a mouthful of Boston creme.

“Great Basin. Should be awesome. I thought we could tour the Lehman caves and maybe do some stargazing.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Although thanks to your creativity we both already saw stars last night.”

She kicked him good-naturedly under the table. “That was a one time only. You have to come up with your own creativity next time.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said with a grin. His gaze caught on something above her head and she frowned. “What do you think happened there?”

Kensi turned to follow his gaze. On the wall was a large blank spot with some exposed wiring. “Looks like there used to be a TV there,” she said.

He raised his eyebrows and Kensi immediately shook her head. “I know what you’re thinking and there’s no way. It is not possible that we’ve stumbled onto yet another crime. Not on this vacation. We promised. We said nothing like this could possibly happen this year.”

“Can I get you anything else?” Carmen, their server, interrupted their conversation.

Deeks nodded toward the empty spot on the wall. “Hey Carmen, something happen to your TV?” “Yeah,” she said. “So weird. Somebody stole it the other day. Emptied the register too. Owner’s pissed about it.”

“You didn’t catch anything on your security cameras?” Kensi asked.

She shook her head. “We only have the one and it’s at the back door. Police are investigating, but it’s not a high priority, you know?”

“Sorry to hear that,” Deeks said. “I think we’re all set here, just the check when you have a second.”

“Stop thinking about it,” Kensi said as they walked back to the RV.

“How do you know what I’m thinking about?” Deeks asked. “You’re not in my head.”

Kensi rolled her eyes. “I know you and your detective brain. You’re still thinking about that TV.”

“Well you have to admit it’s a hell of a coincidence,” he said. “Bill and Carol show up with a TV, a TV near the campsite goes missing…”

“Maybe you need to stop thinking with your detective brain and remember with your lawyer brain that that is called circumstantial evidence and will not hold up in a court of law.”

“I’m not saying we need to do anything I’m just suggesting…”

“Well stop suggesting and start driving. Our cave tour is at three and we don’t want to miss it.”

Kensi dozed off as Deeks drove, waking up as they crossed the border into Nevada. “Hey there Sleeping Beauty,” Deeks said as she stretched and rolled out her neck. “Welcome to ‘The Silver State.’ Want to make a detour to Vegas and get hitched?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “We’re already married.”

“Vow renewal?”

“Only if I get another wedding cake out of it.”

“I think I can make that happen.”

They made it to the RV park with plenty of time to spare before their cave tour. “Stay here,” he said after he’d parked.

He stepped outside and made a big show of looking around.

Kensi wrinkled her nose. “Deeks what are you doing?” 

He poked his head back in. “Checking for Bill and Carol. Coast is clear. You can come out.”

“Oh thank god,” she said, walking out to check out the view. Even from the parking lot it was beautiful. “I’m ready for some peace and quiet.”

“No baseball games.” Deeks wrapped his arms around her.

“No dogs.”

“No sex advice.”

Kensi nodded. “Definitely no sex advice.”

Half an hour later they met up with their guide and a small group of other tourists including a few kids at the mouth of the caves. “Okay everyone, my name is Marcus, I’m going to be your tour guide today,” he said. “We’re just waiting for a couple more people so we’ll give them about five more minutes and we’ll get started.”

“Nope! Hey! No need to wait! We’re here!”

“No…” Kensi said in quiet horror as she and Deeks both turned to see none other than Bill and Carol hustling toward them.

Bill was dressed in his finest vacation dad attire; a pair of cargo shorts with about twenty pockets and socks pulled up to nearly his knees with hiking boots. Carol on the other hand was sporting a necklace that, had it been real, would probably have been worth hundreds if not thousands of dollars and was definitely not standard spelunking attire.

“Bill and Carol Weekes reporting for duty!” Bill said, both of them out of breath. “Sorry we’re late. Had a dog problem.”

“That’s okay,” Marcus said. “All right everyone please listen carefully I’m going to go over a few of the rules for our tour today.” “I cannot believe this,” Kensi said under her breath as she plastered on a smile and answered Carol’s excited wave. “How is this possible?”

“Did you tell Carol our entire itinerary when we met them on the side of the road?” Deeks hissed.

“No! I mean…I mentioned some of the places. But I never expected them to decide to follow us the entire trip!”

“Hi! Please make sure you’re paying attention,” Marcus said pointedly, causing them both to clam up and continue listening to directions about not disturbing or touching anything in the caves and to watch out for low spots in the ceiling. 

“Make certain to watch your step and if you have children with you please keep track of them at all times. We don’t want anybody left behind,” Marcus finished. “Now you can all follow me single file as we enter the caves.”

Try as they might Kensi and Deeks ended up directly in front of Bill and Carol and once they were inside there wasn’t really any space to move further up in the group. “What a surprise,” Bill said, clapping Deeks so hard on the shoulder that he almost stumbled into a stalagmite.

“Yeah it really is,” Deeks said.

“Well you know we were just thinking about how wonderful it would be to see these caves so we rushed right over here and wouldn’t you know, we made it just in time!” Carol said excitedly.

“Once my Carol gets an idea you can’t get her off it!” Bill chuckled. “She wants to see a bunch of old rocks, a bunch of old rocks it is!”

They proceeded through the entire tour with Bill cracking jokes and elbowing Deeks in the ribs like they were old pals, while Carol oohed and aahed with every new rock formation. They’d opted to take the longer tour, and Kensi regretted every single second. The caves were beautiful, but the company was not.

By the time they exited the last cave Kensi had a raging headache and Deeks looked more sour than she’d ever seen him. The only saving grace was that Bill and Carol hadn’t obtained a parking slot within the park, but instead had needed to park at a separate campsite nearby. “Oh please come on over for dinner, I’m making beef stew,” Carol pleaded as they walked down the trail.

“Next time,” Deeks said. “The little lady’s got a headache, gotta get her home.”

“You two are racking up quite the number of rainchecks!” Carol said. “All right then, have a good evening. Toodles!”

With a little wave she and Bill scooted away to hopefully go wreak havoc on some new neighbors.

“Have I mentioned that I hate them?” Kensi asked, rubbing at her temples.

“Me too.” Deeks wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Come on. Let’s get you back so you can take a nap and get rid of that headache.”

She woke an hour later feeling considerably better. When she sat up she found Deeks sitting at the table, laptop in front of him. “What are you doing?” she asked as she sat up.

“Sending pictures of Bill and Carol to Eric so he can run them through facial rec.”

She sat up. “What?!”

“Did you see that necklace Carol was wearing today?” Deeks asked. “She didn’t have that on the other day.”

“Women change their jewelry Deeks.”

“Remember the cruise ship? And Hawaii? And Jacksonville? When you just knew something was up?” He looked at her pointedly. “And your loving husband humored you and you turned out to be right and we took down the bad guys together?”

She rolled her eyes and scooted to the edge of the bed so she was closer to him. “Yes, I remember. Are you saying it’s my turn to trust your intuition?”

“I just feel like something’s up. We’ll run the background check and then we’ll know.”

“And then we can continue our vacation in peace?” She bent over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yes, then we can continue in peace.”

They’d just finished dinner when Eric called. “Hey Eric, you’re on speaker,” Deeks said, setting down his fork.

“Hi Eric!” Kensi said.

“Hey Kens, how are the parks?”

“Gorgeous. We’re totally loving it.”

“That’s awesome. So listen Deeks, I ran background checks on both Bill and Carol Weekes and they came back pretty clean. A couple parking tickets here and there, but no arrests, no domestic disturbances, nothing that would make them seem at all suspicious.”

Kensi shot Deeks a pointed look. “You’re sure Eric?” Deeks asked. “No incidences of dog violence?”

“Um…no?” Eric asked confused. “I didn’t specifically check for that though.”

“That’s okay,” Kensi said. “Thanks Eric, we appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You didn’t mention this to anybody, right?” Deeks asked.

If he had, they’d never hear the end of it. “No I didn’t, but is everything okay?” Eric asked, tone turning concerned.

“Yep, everything’s great, just my paranoia kicking into overdrive,” Deeks said quickly.

“Are you sure? Sam and Callen could be there in—“

“Bye Eric!” Deeks hung up. “How long do you think he’ll hold out before Callen and Sam interrogate it out of him?”

“Depends,” Kensi said. “If they’re at the mission right now we probably have until tomorrow morning. If they’re not, we might have until tomorrow night.”

“We could ditch our phones and turn off the wifi.”

“Eric would just track our plates. They know our basic plan, we won’t be hard to find. Was it worth it?”

“I guess.” He shook his head. “I just really had a feeling something was up with those two.”

She reached across the table for his hand. “It’s okay if you’re losing your touch. You are getting older.”

“Hey!”

She stood, pulling him along with her. “Come on old man. The stars are waiting. Unless it’s past your bedtime already?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Pretty soon you’ll be wearing cargo shorts and talking about how the price of cable keeps going up…”

He growled catching her around the waist and hoisting her over his shoulder. “Oh, I’ll show you who’s an old man!”

[komkommertijd]

Toronto Log Day 1

July 7, 2019

Looking at the date today and realizing that it’s really been a year since my summer holiday adventure feels so unreal but I really am motivated to start this little series here today. A few days ago I made a post asking about who would be interested in reading about the weird things I got up to while abroad and I was so happy when I received some answers - I’d probably write this anyway even without anyone paying attention to it, because this is mostly still a thing for myself to relive all the happy moments, but it’s nice knowing that someone cares.

This entire thing started back in 6th grade when I accidentally started getting addicted to sports of all kinds of forms. Ice hockey has always seemed cool to me and it felt fairly easy to get into it. I don’t know why or how it happened but from day one until today, I’ve always supported the same team in the NHL, despite all the pain it inevitably comes with. The Toronto Maple Leafs just had something about them, looking back I’m pretty sure that this “something” is Mitch Marner, that made me want to get into the sport more. Ever since then, my love for the city started growing and it is still always expanding day by day.

Toronto just drew me in, in a way no other city ever managed to, so when I turned 14, the idea of going on an exchange trip slowly started forming in my head. My English at the time was good for the average 8th grader and I had the best teacher ever that year, who further encouraged me to spend some time abroad - he even talked to my mother about it when she dropped me off for a field trip one day. 

I already knew that I wanted to go to either Canada or Australia, but obviously it’s not the smartest idea to send a young kid on a day-long plane trip on their own and Australia seemed like the smarter option to visit for an entire year instead of just a few weeks during summer break. When I stepped up to info points at a language exchange fair in my Maple Leafs jersey, it was pretty clear where this was going to go. 

The months leading up to the trip were a weird combination of excitement and anxiety, getting a passport, doing a language test, booking a flight. I still remember receiving the email of my eTA being approved barely six days before leaving the country. 

After a road trip from the most Eastern end of Germany all the way to Frankfurt Main, plus staying a night at my godmother’s place, right after the last day of school, the big day finally came. The airport in Frankfurt is the largest one in Germany and therefore quite overwhelming when one is confronted with it for the first time. To make things worse, the police had to close some part of the airport so I had to find a way around that area to get to the baggage drop-off. The lines divided into flights to the US and flights to the rest of the world, so my mom got in line with me and my brother. The worst thing was saying goodbye to them in front of the safety check and I swear I cried harder than ever before.

The fear of being on my own settled slightly after I survived the security check and got in line to get my passport checked but inevitably returned when I noticed that boarding would start soon and I had no idea which gate to go to. The guy behind the counter was really nice, telling me to have fun in school in Canada before I was allowed to leave. I arrived at my gate literally right when boarding started and somehow got to my designated seat without too much trouble. It was my first time ever leaving Europe, ever flying on my own and spending more than three hours on a plane, and I was weirdly hyped. I survived the eight hours on my way across the Atlantic Ocean with some actually tasty food, three cups of coke, half a liter of water and not a single toilet break.

Seeing the CN Tower during the landing approach made me a lot more emotional than I wanted to be. It’s still surreal to think that all of this actually happened and seeing the skyline live for the first time is something I’ll remember forever. It was warm when I got out of the plane at around 6 pm and tried hacking the airport WiFi to text my mom that I arrived safely (it was 12 am in Germany, sorry mom). Going through the procedure of declaring my goods was something new entirely and I guess I would’ve died there if my English wasn’t on a general level of acceptance. The guy filling out my form looked at me like I was trying to prank him when I told him that the only real good I was sneaking into the country was mustard (the present for my host family because my home town produces one of Germany’s most well-known mustards, it’s weird) and he struggled with trying to read my German papers about the travel details but ended up figuring out that I wasn’t lying about staying three weeks to waste my summer vacation in school on the other side of the world. 

I somehow found the woman in charge of coordinating our shuttles to our host families or the student’s residence, depending on where each of us chose to stay, and followed her outside into the mess that was the traffic right in front of YYZ. I met another German girl there and started talking to her for a while until we got scolded for not talking in English. The Italian students continued arguing about God knows what while I tried to calm myself down as I watched an Audi drive by - a bit of familiarity 6.5 thousand kilometers away from home. 

My legs were cramping and my sweatpants started feeling a bit sticky in the unexpected warmth of the evening and when I dragged my way too huge suitcase up the driveway of a house in Etobicoke, not too far away from the airport, it all started feeling a bit too real. My Brazilian host family welcomed me with open arms and to this day I’m glad that I got to stay with them, considering all the horror stories I got to hear the following weeks from other students.

I shared a room with Alicja, a Polish girl my age from Warsaw, who reminded me a lot of one of my classmates at first and turned out to be quite a lot more similar to me in some ways than I would’ve expected. We ate our first dinner together and tried to figure out how the hell to get to Adelaide Street East in the middle of downtown Toronto before I spent an hour trying to understand the TTC and almost getting a panic attack about how to use the PRESTO card, which occupies some space in my wallet to this day.

Luckily, our host mother sent us some directions for the following day and provided us both with a token each to get to school after we exchanged numbers and set up a group chat. We figured out that getting to school would take us an hour and a half at least, so we strategically set our alarms to 6:45 am to catch the right bus at 7:20. I was exhausted when I crawled into bed that night with my left leg still cramping once in a while but not jetlagged at all, which seems concerning in hindsight. I struggled with plugging my phone charger into the adapter plug before plugging that into the actual socket and shivered for quite a while before being able to fall asleep - our air-conditioning was broken for some reason and provided us with true Canadian winter vibes (it’s the only way for me to validate the “I survived Canadian cold” button on my backpack). 

It felt weird, falling asleep in a bed in a country so far away from home with no one I know around, in a comfortable bed with my favorite pillow that I take everywhere tucked under my head. I arrived, finally, after dreaming about it for so long, and despite not seeing literally anything but the suburbs and some streets so far, it oddly felt a lot like coming home.

[criminalhotch]

“Going the Distance”~An Ethan Dolan Imagine

Can you make an imagine where you’re dating Ethan and you’re like half way across the country in ur state and see the sister squad and the whole Emma and Ethan thing; and you end up like unintentionally ignoring Ethan and everyone because you’re like hurt?? And confused?? And mad?? And all of a sudden he like gets fed up and just comes to see u and and it’s all angsty

Don’t know if you taking writing ideas but I just thought of one: Y/N, Grayson, Ethan, and Emma go back to Jersey. Everyone is loving Y/N and Ethan feels like no one is like Emma. It causes a lot of problems between Ethan and Grayson bc Ethan is rude toward Y/N bc he feels it is her fault on my no one seems to like Emma. In the end, Ethan and Y/N talk everything out. Thanks! Your writing is like flawless! ❤️

A/N: Thank you to the two people who sent in these requests. It was going to be really hard to make two separate storylines so I combined them! Long distance sucks, my best friend lives 11 hours away from me and I only see him a couple times a year. This one isn’t my favorite but it matches the requests. I hope you guys like it! 

Warnings: Angst, fluff, cursing, nothing major

Word Count: 4,454

 I sat in my apartment in my home state. I was miles upon miles from my boyfriend, Ethan Dolan. We had been together a year, but the fans didn’t know. I wasn’t famous, Ethan didn’t want me to get hate because it was a long-distance relationship only making it worse. I hadn’t seen him in three months. Every time they go home to New Jersey I have a big test, so I can never go. I adore his family. I miss him more than anything. I love him I do but distance is so hard. They travel so often it makes it even harder. He does treat me so well. We call, text, snapchat, and FaceTime all of the time. He sends me things to my apartment just because he misses me but with school there’s just never a good time for us to see each other. I decided that I would Facetime him. “Facetiming Turtle Man”. It then stopped ringing meaning he declined it. Soon enough, my phone dinged with a text from him. “Filming a vid with Emma, Gray, and James. I’ll call you later, baby. Love you” it read. Emma, imagine that. No wonder everyone is shipping them. My thoughts made me that I shouldn’t respond.

 A couple of hours later I looked at my phone with two missed calls from Ethan. I had decided to take a relaxing bath and left my phone on the counter. I thought about calling him back, but I was tired. I knew that us talking would only end in a fight or with me crying, probably both. I decided it was best to just go to bed and I did just that. I threw on some sweats and one of Ethan’s shirts that I had even though it had lost his scent months ago. The next morning, I woke up at 8:02 and my first class is at 8:30. It was also a 15-minute walk from my apartment to my class. I threw my hair in a bun, kept the clothes on I wore to bed, brushed my teeth, then left. I got to my class with three minutes to spare. I decided to check my phone. Three missed calls from Grayson and 12 from Ethan. As well as four texts from Grayson and 21 texts from Ethan. Unfortunately, I had no service in this building so responding was not an option and to make it worse this class is three hours long. I guess they will just have to wait.

 Ethan’s POV (Last Night after filming)

“Has Y/N responded to you?” I asked Grayson. “No, you?” he asked. “No, and it worries me” I admitted. “She might have fallen asleep, E. You know she has her 8:30 tomorrow” he reminded me. “You’re right, I just worry, and I miss her” I sulked. “I know you do, dude,” he said patting my back. “What if she is mad at me? I don’t know what I did” I told him. “Maybe it’s not something you did but who you are with” he suggested. “Grayson, you are my brother why would she be mad at that,” I asked him with a tude. “Not me, you fucking idiot. Emma” he said. “Why would she be jealous of Emma?” I asked. “Let’s see it’s a female who sees you way more than she does. All of the fans ship you and Emma with that ugly ass ship name because they don’t know about you and Y/N, not to mention you guys are kind of flirty in our videos” he explained. “That’s just how we are, it’s not serious. I love Y/N, not Emma” I told him. “Ethan, I know that. I have to listen to you complain about it every day, but she doesn’t see you, every day. It’s hard for her too, E” he told me. “I don’t know what to do Gray” I admitted. “She’s probably just asleep. If she doesn’t respond before class tomorrow, then you can worry” he negotiated, and I nodded. “I’m going to go play Fortnite and hope I can clear these thoughts up,” I told Grayson as I headed to my room. I started my game and before I knew it the clock read 4:13 am. I decided to get into bed and try to get some sleep. I tossed and turned for hours. It’s now 8 am and I didn’t sleep a wink. I got up and walked across the house. I found Grayson working out, imagine that. “Gray she never responded to me,” I said. “Me either but why are you out of bed before noon?” he questioned. “Is it out of bed if I never fell asleep?” I asked. “E” he sighed. “My mind wouldn’t shut off, Gray. I can’t lose her. I love her” I said pulling my hair through my fingers. “Go pack. I’m going to book you a flight while you pack. Go see her. The video for Tuesday is almost done and I can finish it. We can do something in New Jersey for next Tuesday. You just go get your girl, alright?” he said. God, I love this kid. “Thanks, Gray,” I said hugging him. “You’re welcome. I am the best twin ever, now go” he demanded. I went upstairs and packed. It was pretty last minute but if I forgot anything I could have Grayson bring it to New Jersey. I walked back downstairs around 8:45. “Ok, you have a flight at 10. I have printed off all of your information. If I were you I would have Y/N come to New Jersey with us for Thanksgiving later this week. You guys can meet Emma and me there” he explained. Emma was coming to New Jersey because her parents decided on a   last-minute vacation but didn’t ask her to join so she didn’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so Grayson and I invited her to come to New Jersey with us. I ate a quick bowl of cereal then had Grayson drive me to the airport. We got to LAX about 10 minutes before my plane boarded. I got to my gate as soon as boarding started. I got on the plane and before I knew it I was in the air. I was so ready to surprise her. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

Before I knew it, we had made it to the next airport. I got off and headed straight to Y/N’s house. I had her address from sending her things in the mail. I went straight there hoping that she was home. I knocked but no one ever came. I decided that I would do what any good boyfriend would do. I would wait, at her doorstep for her to arrive.

 Y/N’s POV

I decided to steal some of the school’s WiFi before I go back to my apartment. I went to the library grabbed one of the study cubicles and got to work. I had one last test before Thanksgiving break and then I was done. I was pretty confident, but it couldn’t hurt to refresh myself. I stayed in the cubicle for a couple hours just to ensure a good grade on this test. I packed up my things then took the 15-minute walk back to my apartment. I made my way up to my apartment where I saw a figure standing in front of a door. They must be waiting for maintenance, I thought. I kept walking until I realized the figure was in front of my apartment and he looked familiar. He looked like Ethan. I realized I never responded to any of them. I should do that when I get settled in. The closer I got the more I realized it was Ethan. “Ethan?” I asked. “Y/N!” he exclaimed while jumping up. We ran to each other. I dropped my backpack not caring about my laptop. I ran as fast as my feet would take me. It felt like it took forever but soon enough I was engulfed in his arms again. I buried my head into his chest. I took a deep breath trying to take everything in. Then I began crying. I pulled away from him and wiped my tears away. “Why are you crying, babe?” he asked. “I missed you so much and I am so glad you’re here” I explained. “Well, I’m here now, alright? No more tears” he said kissing my forehead. I unlocked my door then took us inside. My apartment was filled with pictures of Ethan and I. “I’m everywhere” he said. “Hey, it’s both of us and there’s some of Grayson too but when I don’t get the real thing I have to make do” I shrugged. “I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for me too” he sighed. “E?” I asked. “Yes, baby?” he said. “Why are you here?” I asked. “Well you wouldn’t answer Grayson or me, so I knew something was up. Even if you were mad at me you would respond to Grayson, at least. I was so scared something happened to you that I had to be here. Grayson found me a flight while I packed my stuff up then the next thing I knew, I was here” he explained. “I’m sorry for worrying you. After you declined my FaceTime I got upset so I took a bath then went to bed. Then I woke up late this morning, so I didn’t have time to respond before class then the building I was at didn’t have service. Then I went to the library and zoned out. I’m fine E. I didn’t mean to scare you” I sighed. “Why were you upset?” he asked. “I just missed you,” I said. “It’s more than that. You’re looking away from me which means you’re hiding something” he noticed. Damn, why did he know me so well?  I stayed silent. “It’s Emma isn’t it?” he asked, and I nodded. “Grayson was right” he sighed. “What did Grayson say?” I asked. “He said that you might be jealous of Emma because she is with me a lot and we’re friends. That there are fans shipping her and I because they don’t know about us” he said. “And you guys get awful friendly in your collabs” I mentioned. His eyes dropped, and I prepared for the worst. He had cheated.  “Y/N, baby girl, sweetheart, pumpkin, my princess. I know you are thinking the worst. You are thinking that I cheated on you but I didn’t. I would never. Emma and I are seriously just friends. You know my personality and that I’m very goofy which could be mistaken as flirty. I do not love Emma, I do not even look at Emma that way. There is only one girl I look at with all the love in my heart and that’s you” he said pulling his phone out. “Ethan, what are you doing?” I asked. “You’ll see” he smirked. A few seconds later my phone dinged. It was a notification: Ethan Dolan tagged you in a post. I shot him a look. What was he up to? I opened the app and saw a picture of Ethan and I from a few months ago. There was kind of a long caption. “Just an update on my life for you guys. Emma and I are NOT together. I am with this beautiful girl right here. Her name is Y/N and I love her with everything that I am. Not many people know that we have been together for the past year. She isn’t famous, and I was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle the hate so please treat my girl well, she has my heart. Don’t be the reason she breaks it”  

“Ethan” I smiled as tears filled my eyes. “I love you so much. I know I didn’t ask, and I just did it, but it was the only way I could prove how much I loved you” he said pulling me into him. “You’re so extra babe” I giggled. “Can we snuggle for a little bit?” he asked, and I nodded. As we laid there I began to think. “E how long are you staying?” I asked. “Well it’s Monday and Thanksgiving is Thursday. My family’s Thanksgiving is Thursday at 4 which I really want you to come. I’ll buy your ticket, I just want you there. They miss you” he admits. “You don’t have to ask me twice. I see my family all the time” I giggled. “Oh, um I should probably tell you this” he started. “Tell me what?” I asked getting upset. “So, Grayson and I felt bad. You know how soft we are, Y/N even if we don’t act like. You can’t leave someone alone on Thanksgiving, right?” he smiled trying to guilt trip me. “E, what did you guys do?” I asked. “WeinvitedEmmatoNewJerseybecauseshedidn’thaveanywhereelsetogo” he said all in one breath. “So Emma is going to be at your family Thanksgiving?” I asked. “Um, yes?” he said unsure of what my reaction would be. “Good, I can tell her to stay the fuck off my man,” I said. “Babe, she’s not after me” he pleaded. “Bullshit E. Open your eyes when you watch your videos. She is all over you! Not Grayson but you! She knows about me, right?” I asked. “Well of course. I talk about you all of the time, ask Gray” he said. “She clearly doesn’t get the hint then, Ethan” I scowled. “Babe, we only get to see each other for a few days let’s not spend it arguing” he pleaded. “E, I don’t want to fight but I haven’t seen you in months, then there’s some YouTuber I have never met all of over you, your fans ship you guys together like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. How am I supposed to feel?” I asked with tears pricking my eyes. “Y/N, don’t cry. We both know I can’t handle your tears, babe” he says softly. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, E” I admitted even if I didn’t want to. “Y/N, I just told everyone, don’t say that” he begged. “Ethan, I have seen you maybe four or five weeks of the over 52 we have been together. This destroys me. I miss you more every day. I watch your videos to support you and Gray, obviously but so I can hear your voice and your laugh so I can see you smile. Yes, we talk all the time but college is so much plus having a famous boyfriend who lives states away. I can’t keep doing this, E. I love you, this has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t love you. I love you more than anything but loving you is killing me” I sobbed as my head fell into his chest. “Move in with Grayson and me” he suggested. “Ethan that’s crazy,” I said looking up from his chest with tear-stained cheeks. “I cannot let you go. You have made me a better person, Y/N. Not to mention, I love you. Everything I said in that Instagram post was true. You have my heart; baby girl and I can’t be without you anymore. A year is long enough” he explained. “Ethan, what about school, my family, my friends, but again most importantly school?” I asked. “UCLA?” he said in a duh tone. “I won’t get into UCLA” I shot back. “Actually, I already applied for you because I was going to ask if you wanted to move in with Gray and I after Christmas?” he smiled trying to read my reaction. “Did I get in?” I asked worriedly. “OF COURSE, YOU GOT IN. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST GIRL I KNOW” he exclaimed. “I’m mad at you” I whispered. “For what?” he asked. “Going behind my back and applying at UCLA” I explained. “Well, you should be mad at your mom too because she was the one who suggested it and told me all the information I needed that I didn’t have” he admitted. “You went through all of that just, so we could be together?” I asked, and he nodded. “Ethan Grant, you are an idiot and you’re sneaky, but I don’t know what I’d do without you” I smiled. “My parents are ok with me transferring?” I asked him. “They told me that they trust me to take care of you and that you’ll be much happier being with me then stuck here” he explained, and he was right. “Are you going to move in with us?” he asked. “I don’t know, E. It’s a lot all at once” I answered. “Take your time. You have a couple weeks before anything needs decided” he told me as I snuggled into his chest. If I wanted to be happy I knew that LA with him and Gray would be the best thing. He’s everything to me but what if we break up. I’ll have to move back home and that’s scary too. I love him, but I’m scared.

 It’s Wednesday afternoon and we’re flying to New Jersey. These past couples of days with Ethan have been so nice. I only had one class yesterday and once I was done with my test I could leave. I was back before Ethan even got up for the day. Grayson and Emma’s flight got in 10 minutes after Ethan and I’s did so we decided to wait for them. We could hear Y/Ship/N being chanted but we just decided to ignore it waiting for Gray and Emma. Soon enough their plane landed, and we were met with Grayson’s big smile and Emma being Emma. “Hey, Y/N. How are you?” Gray asked wrapping me in a hug. “Good, how was your flight?” I asked. “Not bad” he smiled then I looked at Emma. “Y/N, this is Emma. Emma, this is Y/N” Grayson said while Ethan stood there awkwardly. “Hey, E has told me a lot about you,” Emma said, and I smiled. “Yeah, you too” I lied not wanting to make her feel bad. We started walking out the airport hearing. “Why is Emma here?” “Is Emma dating Grayson then?” “Gremma” “Ethma” “Y/Ship/Name” then the farther we got the worse it got. “Emma shouldn’t even be here. Flirting with Ethan when he has a girlfriend” “Boo Emma” “Emma should go back to LA” “No one likes Emma” “Fuck you, Emma”

I looked at Ethan and he was angry. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes were narrowed. I squeezed his hand trying to make him feel better, but it didn’t work. Shortly after hearing more mean things he let go of my hand and stormed in front of us. I just let him go. I waited for Emma and Grayson to catch up so I could walk with them. “Why aren’t you walking with Ethan?” he asked. “That’s a good question” I answered. “What happened?” Emma asked. “I think he got mad at all of the fans being mean to Emma. I squeezed hand trying to get him to calm down, but he just got mad and stormed off” I explained. “He’s such an ass sometimes” Grayson muttered.

We walked to the waiting area by the door, waiting for Lisa and Sean to pick us up. Ethan was outside in the cold. “E, wait inside with us” I yelled and he ignored me. “Whatever, freeze. See if I care” I yelled staying inside with Gray and Emma. “I’m sorry, he’s being like this” Grayson apologized. “it’s fine, he will get over it,” I said. “I don’t know why he is so upset. I get hate all the time, this is mild” Emma explained. “It’s Ethan, who knows” I mumbled. “My parents just pulled up,” Gray said. We put our stuff in the trunk as Ethan had already put his things up then got in the car. “I’ll sit in the back with Gray” I said and they both nodded. The whole ride back to the Dolan’s was damn near silent other than the few questions Lisa and Sean asked us. Ethan never answering any of them. Ethan shot out of the car and headed up to his room. “What’s wrong with your brother, Gray?” Lisa asked. “Honestly, I don’t know” he answered. “Y/N, do you know?” Sean asked. “Not really. Shortly after we got to the airport he got into this mood” I said, and they nodded not asking any further. I put my things in Ethan’s room. He was sat on his bed and his back to the door. I dropped my stuff off and headed back downstairs letting him make his own decisions. “He still being a pain?” Emma asked. “Yeah, he will calm down eventually. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, he will talk eventually about what’s bothering him” I explained.

Emma, Grayson, and I sat watching Christmas movies. We were watching Home Alone. We had already watched Elf and The Grinch. Ethan came downstairs to get a drink and didn’t say anything to anyone. He went back up to his room. “What is his deal?” Grayson asked. “I don’t know” I muttered not pushing it. “I’ll go talk to him,” Grayson said getting up from the couch and pausing the movie.

 Grayson’s POV Sometimes Ethan confuses the hell out of me. This being one of those times. I barge into his room not caring that I didn’t knock. “You could knock” he scoffed. “You could not be a dick,” I said back. “Your girlfriend is hanging out with Emma and me because you are ignoring her. For what reason Ethan? What has got you so pissed off you are ignoring everyone when it’s the day before Thanksgiving? Shouldn’t you be I don’t know, THANKFUL” I yelled at him. “Y/N is making everyone hate Emma. Look at twitter everyone is telling Emma she’s ugly and to leave us alone because they know I’m with Y/N. It’s not fair” he said. “Ok, so you are pissed at the fans but taking it out on Y/N. Do you realize how fucking stupid you sound?” I asked. “She was the one that was jealous of Emma” he shot back. “Ethan, you fucking idiot. She is your girlfriend and barely gets to see you where Emma sees you all the time. I would be jealous too” I explained to him. “I see you all of the time and she isn’t mad about you” he sassed. “I am your brother, your TWIN brother so there’s no way I am going to be able to take you from Y/N. We share our time with you, it’s different, Ethan. And if you’re too ignorant to figure that out maybe you should break up with Y/N and be with Emma if that’s what you want” I yelled. “No, it’s not. I love Y/N, but I care about Emma. I don’t want her getting hate because of Y/N and I being together. It’s not fair to Emma” he said. “Ok well, it’s not fair to any of us when you ignore us when you are mad at the fans. Tweet something and tell them to be nice to Y/N and Emma. It’s not that hard, E. You are just so damn stubborn that you don’t think about things” I said, and he sighed knowing he had fucked up. “I’m going downstairs and sending Y/N up here. You better apologize, you asshole” I said. “I will, thanks Gray,” he said. I walked to the living room and looked at Y/N. “I calmed him down, go to talk to him,” I said, and she nodded.

Y/N’s POV

I walked into Ethan’s room slowly. “I’m sorry” he started. ‘I was mad at you when I should be mad at myself. I was the one who hid you from the fans for so long now they are mad not only that I hid it but because I’m not with Emma. I blamed you for everyone being mean to Emma when it’s my fault. I guess because we argued about Emma and I’s friendship that it was an easy way to escape my guilt. I’m so sorry for being a stubborn asshole. I’m going to tweet and clear everything up. I hope you still love me” he apologized keeping his head down scared to look at me. “I do still love you Ethan, but you need to talk to me instead of getting mad about things. I don’t want people being mean to Emma, either. If you weren’t up here wallowing in self-pity you would see that I don’t really mind her” I explained to him. “I’m so sorry that I ruined Thanksgiving” he sighed pulling his hands through his hair. I grabbed his cheeks making him look at me. “You didn’t ruin anything, E. Now clear things up and you can join the rest of us downstairs,” I said kissing his forehead and running my hand through his hair. He grabbed his phone and opened the Twitter app. He tweeted, “Hey guys. We saw some of you at the airport. A lot of you had nice things to say and some didn’t. I know you are upset that I didn’t tell you about Y/N sooner. I had a good reason for that. Therefore, a lot of you thought I was with Emma. I’m sorry for the confusion. Emma is one of my best friends and Y/N is my girlfriend. I love and care for both of them in different ways so please don’t send hate to either of them. Thanks. -E”

“There hopefully things get better” he smiled. “You tried, E and that’s all that matters,” I said. “I do love you, Y/N. I don’t want Emma. I want you and I still want you to come to LA” he admitted. “I love you too, E” I smirked while leaning into his lips. Smiling into it I kiss him. Before I knew it, he had flipped us onto the bed. “Ethan” I yelled while he flipped us over.  I was lying on my back and he was hovering over me. “Are you going to move to LA and live with Gray and me?” he asked wanting an answer. “Yes, E. I’ll move to LA with you and Gray as long as you get off of me, so we can downstairs,” I said. “Fuck yeah,” he said jumping up. “You’re an idiot” I giggled. “But I’m your idiot” he winked. “Yes, I suppose you are,” I said as I shook my head as we headed back to the living room. Ethan Grant Dolan, you are an idiot, you are the most stubborn person I have ever met, but you complete me.

[emilyplaysotome]

Searching - Chapter 1

The last time I wrote about Eisuke, I’d met someone in my travels who inspired the story. This one comes from a similar place, and I hope you’ll enjoy. Should be the first part of something short again. Let me know if you want to be tagged.

I’d woken up extra early and made my way downstairs to the cafe, in order to grab a coffee and emotionally regroup before my day started. I brought my small bag with my planner, pen, and of course camera, as I found a cozy corner to sit in.

The hotel cafe was sparsely populated, and I figured it wouldn’t be long until a waiter brought over my drink. In the meantime, I took out my things and leafed through my schedule as I examined what was on the docket today, not to mention the month to come.

I wasn’t an alcoholic, but looking at my calendar I found myself whispering, “one day at a time,” incredibly overwhelmed by the amount I needed to do in the weeks to come.

This current week in Tokyo was jam packed with planning and photoshoots with well known models before I was set to head north and do a few shoots before returning for another two weeks before ultimately flying home to the states. For years I’d hoped for this kind of opportunity and this kind of life, but now that it was happening I found myself having second thoughts.

Being on the move made it hard to put down roots.

I’d been single for almost 3 years and I’d always figured I’d start dating once my life calmed down. What I hadn’t anticipated was that the opposite would happen. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, my career seemed to grow exponentially with every job and pick up speed until I had the choice to either quit completely or accept that this was my life.

I was grateful for the fact that success in this area of my life had allowed me to transform my hobby of snapping photos with friends to traveling the world on someone else’s dime. I currently lived a life full of expensing fancy dinners and making more money than I’d ever dreamed. I wasn’t a billionaire by any means, but I had more money in the bank than my grandmother who immigrated to the states could have ever wrapped her head around.

People say that money can’t solve your problems, but I figured that money could help with the quest to find me a steady boyfriend.

I employed a matchmaking service back in New York for almost ten thousand dollars with the hope that would understand my criteria and find me the perfect husband without much work on my end. I simply didn’t have the time to go on first date after first date that didn’t go anywhere and I did want to be married one day.

Though I knew I was not nearly as attractive as the models I was paid to capture, I believed myself to be more attractive than the matches they sent my way. Before I’d left New York for my one month tour of Japan, I’d demanded that they do better as they tried to persuade me I’d set the bar impossibly high.

“That’s absurd,” I’d snapped back. “You’ve seen the pictures of my exes and the guys I date. I’m sure these guys are lovely but I can’t help the fact I am completely unattracted to them.”

My matchmaker protested gently, “I’ve been doing this for a long time - sometimes someone isn’t attractive at the start but they grow on you…”

“No. I know myself well enough to know that won’t happen here. Even when I’ve had that experience they haven’t necessarily been my type or what I’m used to but they’re still attractive and there’s still SOMETHING that drew me to them…not like this.”

I felt awful having to admit how superficial I was at the end of the day but I also knew that I didn’t have the time to waste on a lackluster first date with a man whose appearance I found slovenly and unappealing.

I didn’t care that he was a business owner and had a penthouse - I wasn’t trying to be his trophy wife.

I was becoming my own rich man, as Cher would say.

“But if you just gave him a try…”

“No. I’m sorry but no. It’s not nice for me to go feeling this way and I’m leaving for a month as is. I’m not wasting his time or mine and I hope when I return you have someone that’s more in line with my preferences.”

I felt like a diva but I was too busy to mask my annoyance. I was in the business of always delivering for my clients.

I was theirs and they owed it to me.

I rubbed my eyes, still feeling the jet lag from when I’d arrived and made a few notes in my planner. Scout today. Shoot tomorrow and Wednesday. Review retouching Thursday and Friday. Fly out Saturday.

Rinse.

Repeat.

I sighed, knowing full well that I craved a vacation where I could actually enjoy Tokyo instead of being shuttled around in town-cars for work.

“Everything alright?”

I looked up and saw the smiling face of a middle aged man who worked for the hotel.

“Yes, everything’s fine - there’s just a lot to do.”

“Should I arrange for any of the hotel’s spa services for you?”

“No, that’s alright. Thank you…Mr. Kenzaki,” I said, taking note of his employee name-tag.

“Of course. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable.”

“May I take your photo?”

He’d started to walk away when I’d asked, and at first he appeared shy, almost apprehensive as if I were asking him to tell me something incredibly personal. I suppose taking a photograph of someone is incredibly personal, at least, someone once said that about my work long ago.

“You don’t have to,” I quickly added. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“No, that’s quite alright. Go ahead.”

I took out my small point and shoot that I used for fun, and framed him up dead center with the cafe’s arch creating a sense of symmetry around him as identically set tables almost created a look as if there were a mirror effect taking place in the image.

He looked stiff and uncomfortable and to get what I wanted I asked, “Mr. Kenzaki, have you always had that haircut?”

For an instant he looked vulnerable and I snapped the photo before he replied.

“Yes. For some time now at least - why do you ask?”

“It suits you. You appear to be a very capable, organized individual and your appearance reflects this. Thank you for letting me take your photo.”

He nodded but I could see that he was slightly unsettled as he walked away and once out of sight I looked at the image on my screen. There was something incredibly boyish in his face that captured who he once was in a moment of who he’d become.

“You’re as good as they say you are,” said a voice behind me, and I looked up to see a man looking at the camera’s digital screen over my shoulder.

I found it odd that someone would recognize me, but having worked at this level for the past few years with several international showcases it wasn’t implausible enough to alarm me.

“Thanks I guess.”

“I thought you’d have a much more professional setup though…”

“I do. This is just when I am trying to enjoy the process - when it’s not work. There’s something freeing about not having so much equipment.”

The man scowled and I was uncertain as to what in my statement had rubbed him the wrong way.

“Work is work, not play. There is only joy in the capital gained from it.”

“Perhaps for you, but there was once joy in what I did and I’m trying to find it again. Have a good day.”

With that, I started to leave. I’d drained my coffee and a car would be here soon enough to take me to scout several outdoor locations where we’d be working tomorrow.

“Won’t you take my photo?”

I turned around and looked at him. It was obvious that whoever he was, he’d built up so many walls that getting him to expose who he really was would take more time than I had. An offhanded comment would not crack this man as it had Mr. Kenzaki.

“I do, but right now I don’t have the time.”

“Later then? When you return?”

Puzzled, I raised an eyebrow and said, “I don’t know - I’ll see how I feel. It’s not just snapping a photo for me you know. It’s more than that.”

He started to say something but then pursed his lips and nodded.

“Okay.”

I thought about the oddity of that interaction for most of the day.

I had a translator, 2 assistants, and a creative director with me at all times for the bulk of the scout and it took us most of the day to finalize the schedule for the following 2 days. They took me around and to places most Americans would never get to visit but I still felt as if I had to be my professional self versus my real one.

I had to remain upbeat and excited, grateful for the opportunity, and impressed by all the city had to offer while simultaneously creating shot lists in my head that I’d frantically jot down in notebooks while their backs were turned.

My phone informed me that I’d done about 10 miles of walking by the time the day was over and after a fairly luxurious dinner with the creative team and translator in which I walked everyone through the plan for the following days I found myself spent.

There was a sense of relief as I kicked off my shoes and walked into my hotel suite, prepared to order some late night dessert from room service and soak in the tub before I turned in on the early side. I chucked once more thinking about the man I’d met who wanted his photo taken, and wondered if he was going to be in the cafe tomorrow morning with the hope I’d photograph him.

As I waited for my cake, I lay on the couch in my suite and connected my phone to wifi, allowing for iMessages and WhatsApp notifications to flood my phone from the states.

My friend was getting married.

My other friend had given birth.

People missed me.

My mom wanted to know if I was doing ok.

And my manager had put me up for a few additional jobs in Asia that could potentially extend my stay up to two months and I felt annoyed at the fact that he hadn’t run the idea by me first, seeing as how I was already tired and wanting to go home.

I felt too tired to reply and lazily tossed my phone onto the table next to me before I closed my eyes to rest.

I hoped to quiet the thoughts swirling in my head, but all that I could think about was how lonely this new life of mine felt. I managed to be around people all the time and yet I was close to no one these days. My friends had all moved forward into new chapters of their lives and I felt as if I were being left behind.

No one pitied me or had any idea I felt this way. To them I was their fabulous photo friend who rubbed shoulders with the rich and famous and updated my instagram with a steady stream of exotic photos. On paper it looked as if I had it all, but in my heart there was a hole.

The longer I sat with these feelings, the more confused and hopeless I felt. It wasn’t long before the mix of melancholy and exhaustion had silent tears streaming town my cheeks.

I felt as if I had one foot in my old life and one foot in the new one - resisting the fact that I was someone who would be gone for months at a time and who would be unable as a result to cultivate new relationships. And to add insult to injury, what was once fun had started to feel like work in all areas.

I couldn’t just snap a picture anymore for fun. My pictures were scrutinized. They were shared. They were representing my brand and therefore they couldn’t be flawed.

I missed being able to shoot freely and make mistakes and not have this reputation - albeit a good one.

Too good in fact.

The bar kept getting set higher and higher and all I wanted was the freedom to make art the way I did when I was first starting.

A knock on my door interrupted my stormy thoughts and I hastily wiped my tears before asking, “Who is it?”

“Room service.”

I’d forgotten about the cake.

I made my way to the door, unconcerned with my appearance and opened it to discover the man from the morning awkwardly holding a piece of cake.

“You…don’t usually do this, do you?” I found myself asking.

“I do not.”

I chuckled and took the cake, hanging my head a bit in the hopes I could extricate myself from the conversation without having to acknowledge the feelings that had come before.

“Do I have to sign anything?”

“No. I…Are you alright?”

There was something clumsy about the way he asked me.

“Just an off day. Thanks for the cake,” I said scanning for his employee badge.

“Eisuke Ichinomiya. I own the hotel.”

“Well, thank you for personally delivering it.”

“I have ulterior motives. I want you to take my picture.”

“Yeah, I kind of got that earlier. Why?”

“Because they say you capture the essence of who someone is.”

“Thank you. But if you want a professional shoot contact my agent and they’ll…”

“I need you to help me understand who I am.”

His voice was quiet when he said it, but there was a humility behind those words that I hadn’t seen before in him. Now that I was looking at him, it was fair to say he quite handsome. Though guarded, there was an elegance and masculinity about him that would make for a good subject and knowing that he was a powerful man I suddenly shifted in what this photograph could do for me.

If I could capture a king looking as lost as he did now, I could take my career somewhere else perhaps.

I could maybe even afford to be more selective with my jobs.

The universe had brought me a gift, but I would soon see that it was not going to be what I initially thought.

Please like/share/comment if you enjoyed the story or buy me a kofi!

READ CHAPTER 2

[jessaadventures-blog]

Week Two: Lovin’ Life in Lobitos

A Lobitos boat out on the water. Spot the blue water tower in the background - a great place to watch sunsets!

This week was another good one! There were some fun adventures, I made some decent progress on my project, met more of the locals, and saw much more of Lobitos. Apart from a bit of an upset stomach, everything has only been getting better!

The EcoHouse

One of our homemade pizzas from our midnight pizza party, with a vegan portion :)

There have been some more shifts in the EcoTeam this week; Andres arrived on Saturday to replace Alejo leaving last week. Andres is the third of the four directors I’ve met, and he’s a fun addition to the house! He’s known as the most chill and spontaneous director, and it definitely shows. He loves to tell us stories of his life (he was born in Canada and moved to Lima when he was ten, where he met the other three directors in school, and then went to Toronto for university and ended up on the Wall Street of Canada for a few years before he moved to Lobitos to start EcoSwell) and throws in some Peruvian history too. He is also mostly vegan, so now I’ve got a friend in the food department! 

Diego, the other director that was here, left Thursday to vacation with his girlfriend and speak at a big UK conference in Rio de Janeiro. He’ll be back in a few weeks with his girlfriend, who is the volunteer coordinator for EcoSwell, and I’m excited to meet her!

Michael, the only director I haven’t met, arrives Sunday to replace Diego while he’s gone. Michael’s spent most of his time in the UK and doesn’t come to Lobitos as much as the other three, so he’s known as the “city kid”. It’ll be interesting to see how he fits in at the house, and I’m excited to see the dynamic between Andres and Michael as directors.

There’s also a big volunteer change-over this weekend; we’re losing half of the crew and gaining two newbies! Kyler flew out on Saturday (after two months in the EcoHouse), Dion just left today (he’s been here three weeks), and Javi leaves tomorrow, Monday, after just two weeks. There’s a new volunteer arriving today and another arriving Monday, so we’ll have one empty bed in the house for a little while (Isa and I get a room to ourselves and I can move to the bottom bunk now that Javi will be gone)!

I’m excited to show the new guys around, but I’ll miss having people here who know more of the secrets of Lobitos than I do.

As for the general happenings in the house, we’ve had a few more fun meals (some yummy veggie pasta and garlic bread Monday night, taco Tuesday again, a midnight pizza-making and bonfire party initiated by Andres, and Andres found some soy milk for me so now I can have cereal!), watched the first season of Silicon Valley together, experienced two blackouts (one in the morning, one at night), and played Secret Hitler (a board game that I played a lot while studying abroad in Australia, which happens to be the go-to group game here as well). I’ve also gotten back into reading Lord of the Rings, which I started almost a year ago in Australia, and now I’m almost done with the trilogy!

The only downside of the week was the upset stomach that I’ve had for the past four days (pretty much everyone gets it during their second week of volunteering, so nothing out of the ordinary), but it’s feeling a lot better now!

Work

Javi and I “painting” silicone onto the distiller!

This week I actually got to start working on the solar distiller, and we got a lot done with it! The distiller had already been designed and the frame had been built by previous volunteers, so I mostly have the job of putting it all together, making sure the system works, and putting it to use in the community! Part of this is painting the basin (where the water goes) with black food-grade silicone caulk, so the wood is waterproof, the water isn’t contaminated with chemicals, and the leftover salt can be used for cooking. The previous volunteer that worked on the distiller had painted the silicone on and then realized, just before the whole basin was covered, that the silicone wasn’t food-grade. So he spent the rest of his time scraping it back off again (that had to suck). He didn’t quite finish before he left, though, so Javi and I spent the first two and a half days of the work week scraping the rest of the silicone off the distiller so we could repaint it with the food-grade silicone we now have. On Thursday, we painted the distiller with white primer, and Friday we were able to almost finish painting the silicone on the basin (I learned that silicone caulk is a really hard thing to “paint” and it doesn’t like to be smooth and it stinks). So, we’re already a couple steps closer to a complete solar distiller! With Javi leaving, however, I’m losing my project partner, though one of the new volunteers will likely be helping me out when they arrive.

Outside of my main project, I posted on Facebook and SteemIt a couple times about EcoSwell’s progress/events and we had our weekly planting day on Wednesday starting at 6:30am. The guys spent the four hours of planting day trimming branches, grasses, and other plants around the house, and Isa and I checked all of the drip irrigation holes to make sure they were working, added some more drip lines, and planted a bunch of seeds ready to germinate in the nursery. 

Adventures

Sunset at La Punta - spot Gino surfing the crazy wave!

We did some fun things this week outside of the house and work! On Friday we went to check out a new restaurant in town called 420 Cafe, which has great pastas and pizzas (I had yummy pesto gnocchi), a chill surfer dude atmosphere, some fancy cocktails (and wine!), and fast wifi! On Saturday I hung out on the beach and read for a while (and got covered in sand, thanks to the wind), and that evening we all went up to the water tower, the highest point in town, to watch the sun set over Lobitos. It was a fun little walk with a great view and we saw some roaming horses and wild foxes on the way down. 

Sunday was the main adventure day of the week; all the newer volunteers (Dion, Ale, Javi, and me) went on the Lobitos Ocean Adventure run by Tulio, a local fisherman friend. We met him at the end of the pier at 7am, where we all jumped onto his fishing boat in between the big rolling waves coming in, and settled in for a classic Peruvian fishing experience. Tulio, his two sons, and his brother Jorge were with us on the boat and they told us about the generations of fishermen that have fished in this area, and passed down their knowledge and techniques through their families that still fish here today. 

Tulio (right) and his brother Jorge teaching us to fish!

We took a forty minute boat ride through the oil platforms out to a reef, and then we dropped anchor and learned how to fish like a Peruvian. Each of us was given a thick plastic fishing line (no rod) that split three ways at the end; two had hooks on them, and one had a metal weight. The fishermen baited the hooks, and we would toss the line over the edge of the boat, letting it sink until the weight reached the bottom. Then we would hold the line in our hands and wait to feel a pull or wiggle or other sign that we had hooked a fish (it was really hard to tell), and then we pulled the line up to see what we got! Ale was the first to catch something, which ended up being a sea serpent that Tulio stunned before he tossed it back in the water. He caught a couple more small fish, but none big enough to keep. Javi and Dion both got seasick pretty fast, so the boys did most of the fishing for them, but they only caught one fish big enough to keep. I ended up getting lucky and catching four keepers! 

My first fish!

Once we were done fishing, we pulled up the anchor and started heading home while Tulio prepared super-fresh ceviche for us with the fish that we caught. We had a snack of ceviche (complete with the onions and lemon) and plantain chips for the ride home, which mostly Ale and I ate (vegan or not, I couldn’t pass up ceviche that fresh), because Dion and Javi were still feeling sick. We made it back to land and thanked Tulio and his family for the experience, and they gave us the fish we didn’t eat to bring back to the house for lunch the next day. It was a fun morning!

Yum, ceviche doesn't get any fresher than this!

That night we watched the sunset from La Punta, where there are a bunch of big rock formations that form a point (and great surf waves!) and watched Gino, one of the local surfers, surf one of the most dangerous waves in Lobitos, El Hueco. It was crazy to watch.

Other than that, I saw and held a stick bug that we saw while painting the distiller, there were two blackouts (one on Wednesday night and one Sunday morning), and we went back to Tranqui’s for dinner on Sunday and Thursday, where Henry, a local guy (and also an insanely good surfer) who works for Waves for Development (the other non-profit in town) and one of his volunteers met us to eat. 

Sunset over Lobitos from the water tower

There’s this week’s update! Sorry for the late post; I was really busy with work this week and forgot to start writing this post early enough on Friday, and I was gone most of the day yesterday (I’ll include that adventure in next week’s post!). I’m still having a ton of fun and learning a lot! Feel free to ask any questions :) Love and miss you all!

[didiletyouknooow]

56. Why Don’t You Love Me

Hey,

Sorry to let you wait so long for the next chapter but right now I’m on vacation and I didn’t have time (and wifi) to post something. But now that I have both I thought I will post this chapter. 

As you might have noticed I wrote about Eileen’s relationship in the last chapter and now....well you might guess whose turn it is now!

I hope you like this one because I like it and it was fun writing it!

_______

 August

 „Thank you fort his beautiful evening“ Helen said when we were arriving at her car after a walk in Venice. “It was really nice” she smiled and looked into my eyes. I really liked her blue eyes. They looked like the ocean. “Yeah sure, it was fun” I agreed smiling. It was our second date after I gave her my phone number in this bookstore. I still couldn’t believe she really did answer. I mean, women don’t usually do this, right? But after she texted me I responded and we stayed in touch ever since. Our first date happened really quickly because she had to leave LA two days later. Helen wasn’t living here in LA. She was from Chino. Honestly, I was surprised when she told me that she’s living in Chino because I didn’t think she would live there. Chino wasn’t the best place to live – at least I was thinking so. Maybe I was wrong but I didn’t hear anything positive about this city.

But I didn’t care. I was happy to see her again at that day and I even was a little bit nervous because I never dated a woman to whom I didn’t really speak before. Mostly I got to know these women a little bit more before I ask them for a date. But this time it was different.

Our first date started a little bit awkward because I didn’t quite know what to talk about but turned out that Helen was a good talker. She asked me several questions and told me about her life. She studied in San Francisco but she was born in Idaho. She moved to California when she was twelve because her parents got divorced and her mom decided to go to California to start all over again. First they lived in Downtown LA but soon moved to West Covina and later to Chino because her mother found a new boyfriend.

After talking to her three hours I started liking her much more. Helen was so open and funny and such a smart girl. I was still wondering why someone like her was living in Chino. There must’ve been a reason.

Because I was busy with some music projects and she had to go back to Chino for work we couldn’t see each other for two weeks but we definitely wanted to see each other again. So I asked her if she want to come over to LA again and she did it. She was sleeping at a friend’s place. So we went out to our second date. First we went hiking the Mulholland  Drive and I took a picture of her at the Hollywood Sign. I think every woman wants to be at this place. I wasn’t really impressed by it because to me it was totally normal living in the city of Hollywood. Later we drove to Venice and had dinner at a burger restaurant near the beach. Afterwards Helen suggested to take a walk at the beach and here we were. Back at her car where I didn’t know what to do.

 “So….I guess this was it now” I said without knowing what to do next. I hated such situations. Most of the time I was kind of tipsy when I felt this way and then I knew what to do. But now I was totally sober because I had to drive. “So” Helen grinned. “Thanks Josh” she said and came closer. So close that suddenly our lips touched for a moment but not for that much longer. It was only a short kiss before she hugged me, smiled and got into her car.

We kept seeing each other in the following days because Helen decided to stay a little bit longer in LA than planned. On our fourth date we went to the Griffith Observatory. Not only to see the stars at the planetarium but also to see the stars at the sky when the sun was down. I loved this great view at the city. Helen was impressed and she didn’t really want to leave. Mostly because leaving would mean that the day was over and she had to go back to Chino tomorrow.

“So, what’s happening next?” she asked me. She often said the word “so”. “Um, I don’t know….we could go home, go to bed and just fall asleep” I said. “Or” Helen interrupted my boring plans. “We could just stay here, enjoy this wonderful view of LA and….” She said and suddenly got on my lap. She started kissing me widely and I didn’t expect her to do so. But I liked it and so we kept kissing and just making out in my car. I felt like being a teenager again. Suddenly someone was knocking at the window. We stopped kissing, looked at the old guy who was just shaking his head and then we started laughing immediately. “Maybe we should continue it at another place” Helen said joking. So I decided to drive home. I suggested to cook something because we were both very hungry. Although it was already midnight we started making pasta.

“Wow, you’re such a good cooker” Helen was surprised. “Well, but that’s all I can do” I joked. We made some pasta with spinach. “It’s so good!” she told me. “Honestly, I never met a man who could cook so well!” “Really?” “Yeah!” ”Who did you meet?” I asked jokingly but seemed like it wasn’t a real joke for her. Well, I decide not to ask further. We kept talking and chatting and also drank a bottle of red wine while doing it. When the bottle was empty we realized that she couldn’t drive back to her friends place because she drank too much. We totally forgot that she had to drive home or at least I had to drive her home. But since we both drank alcohol none of us was able to drive. Or maybe we didn’t really care about it? “Seems like I have to stay now” Helen said. “Yeah, I mean….sounds like a good idea” I agreed and laid my arm around her shoulder. We were already sitting on my couch in a more comfy position than in the kitchen. I tickled her head with my hand until Helen finally looked at me and started kissing my lips again. “Hey, what about continuing what we started in the car?” she asked and she looked so sexy while doing it.

Sleeping with her was different than with any other girl before. I mean, all the girls I hooked up with just wanted to have sex and so did I. But this time it was much more sensual, it was emotional and I felt a little bit of shyness but also passion between us. Helen was such a good kisser and I caught myself hoping she would never stop doing it. I liked her body and her whole appearance. I liked her brown long hair, her beautiful pale skin and her blue eyes that looked like the ocean. In a way she looked fragile but at the same time she was so strong. I think I really started liking her a lot.

I enjoyed every minute of our night and didn’t want to let her go afterwards. Not even to the bathroom. I never experienced this feeling before – at least not in the last two years while having fun with several girls. I just realized how stupid and boring it was to have sex with a stranger and how fulfilling and great it can be to spend the night with someone you truly care about. Although I still didn’t know much about Helen I liked spending time with her. She was so special because she seemed a bit unconventional and nonconformist. She was like a hippie to me.

I was covering her shoulder with my arm while her head was lying on my chest when she started talking. “It was a wonderful night” she said. “It was” I agreed smiling. “Honestly” she started saying and looked into my eyes. “I didn’t have sex in a very long time. So thank you Mister K” she laughed and she blushed a bit. “You’re lying” I laughed. “No…it’s the truth. It’s long ago” “How long?” “Hm….let me count” she said and started thinking. “Maybe three or four years?” “No!” I couldn’t believe her. “Yes!” “You’re a liar!” “I’m not….it’s the truth” she was still laughing but hide her face with her hands. “You’re such a beautiful woman….why don’t you…” I kept asking but she interrupted me. “Well, first of all: it’s not only about beauty. It’s also about personality and lifestyle and priorities in life” “Um okay…” I couldn’t imagine not having sex for such a long time. It’s not that I needed it all the time but sometimes after a few months I wanted to have it again. “You’re a man, you don’t understand” she said ironic. “Oh I do! It’s not that I have to have it all the time” “Really? How long were you abstinent?” She asked me. Well, that was a good question. I didn’t have to think about the last three years. After I broke up with Mia I had some encounters with girls but after a few months I decided not to do it anymore because it didn’t give me anything. So I didn’t meet girls until a few months before I met Eileen. So maybe…. “Um I guess….seven months?” “Seven months?” Helen laughed. “Well Mister, let’s talk again when you did it a few years” “Okay”

Now I felt bad. Maybe there were too many girls in the last year but….It was okay. Although I regretted some of them. But at that time I needed it. I needed some rebounds to forget Eileen. Maybe Eileen did the same, who knew. “You’re such a player!” Helen told me. I looked at her questioning and also a bit shocked. Did she really think that? “Josh” Helen suddenly said. “It was just a joke, okay? I don’t judge you because you have fun in life. It’s totally okay for me” “Hm….okay” I said.

We laid there for a few minutes totally in silence. I was playing with her hair and she was tickling my belly when she suddenly said something I never ever expected. “Josh?” “Mhm?” “I have to tell you something” Helen said and sat up to look me in the eyes.“Okay, what do you have to tell me?” I wondered. “There is something you don’t know about me” “Hm….sure. There are also many things you don’t know about me either!” I joked. “No….I mean….for real. There is one important thing that belongs to me that you don’t know about yet” Okay, now I was wondering what she meant. Was she ill? Maybe a chronic illness. Or was she married? I wouldn’t be surprised, such a beautiful woman like her…. “Okay, tell me” I let her know. Then she looked at me, bit her lips and suddenly said it. “I have a daughter” Wow. From all the things expected her to tell me she said something I wouldn’t even have guessed.

“Now you’re shocked….sorry” she reacted. “No…it’s just….yes I’m a bit in shock but” “It’s okay when you say you can’t handle this…..I mean, we’re only dating for a few weeks now but….I thought you should know” When she said these words I started liking her even more than before. Helen was so cute and so beautiful and mysterious at the same time. Just like an elf. “If you can’t handle it and we end this thing between us right here, right now, I can totally understand it. But….I just thought you should know since….we went further and….yeah. Since I’m not really someone who hooks up with every guy, I just thought I want to tell you this secret” “Why is it a secret?” I asked her. “Because when I start dating guys I don’t tell them about my daughter. Mostly we have a few dates and everything is fine because they think I’m just a normal single woman in her thirties but when I tell them about my daughter they run away” “No….who does this?” “I don’t know….guys. Men. Whoever. But I thought after this wonderful night and all these dates we spent together, I wanted you to know about my most important person in my life” “I really appreciate your openness” I said. “So….I just wanted to tell you….it’s totally okay if you want to leave now” “No” I responded. “Why should I leave you now? I want you to be by my side! I’m just appreciating your openness with me. I can’t understand why some men make a big deal about it. Having children is great….I suppose” I told her and pulled her closer. “Really? You’re the first guy with this opinion” Hm, maybe it had some reason why I thought this way but she didn’t know it. “I like kids” I let her know, a smile on my face. Now Helen was smiling too. It took her some time to finally relax again. “What’s your daughter’s name?” I wanted to know. “Emma” Helen told me with a smile on her face. “Such a lovely name” “It’s also a Scandinavian name. Just like my name” she told me.

Helen was half Swedish. Although she was born and raised here in the US her mother was from Sweden. But when her mother did a backpacker trip through Scandinavia she met Helen’s father who was also backpacking in Scandinavia at that time. He was a young politician from the US. They became friends and her father invited her mother to the US one year later. They backpacked again but this time through the US. It was the time when her mother not only fell in love with this man but also with the US. Her mother moved to Florida and later to Chicago with her then husband and finally they settled down in Idaho.

“I want to meet Emma” I suddenly said when we were just lying next to each other without saying anything. “Really?” Helen asked surprised. “Yes, I definitely want to.” “Wow, you’re the first guy who asks me to meet my daughter” Helen couldn’t believe it. “Are you really a human being?” she asked laughing but I could also see a few tears in her eyes. I wiped them away and gave her a kiss. “I am and I definitely want to meet your daughter.” “Do you….do you want to visit me in Chino one day?” “I’d love to!” I said and kissed her again.

 September

It was a Saturday afternoon when I was preparing the barbecue together with Helen. She planned a little party and some neighbours would come over. Her mother Agneta was also here and helped us with the barbecue. “You have to put some grill lighters in it” she informed us. “Yes mom, I know. We’re not silly, okay?” Helen responded. “I just wanted to help you because you’re not really into barbecue” “Oh but so are you? You’re from Sweden! They can’t do barbecue” she laughed. The two women started discussing whether or not to put a grill lighter in it. I was just watching them. They were full of temptation while discussing. Both of them. It was quite funny. “Josh, can you help me? I threw the ball on the garage” suddenly Emma asked me. I looked into her green eyes. Her red hair was covering her face a little bit. Just liked her mother’s hair did. “Um, sure I can” So I picked a ladder and looked for her ball. I found it really quickly and threw it back to her. She grinned and when I was back on the floor we started kicking the ball. I liked that Emma was playing soccer. She even liked Baseball and I promised her to take her to a Dodgers game some day when she would come to LA with her mother.

In the last weeks Helen only came to LA without her daughter because Emma had to go to school. She was nine years old. But I realized that this wasn’t the best initial situation for our relationship. I knew we were only dating for two months but it felt good to me. It felt like it could be something serious. I really liked Helen and I hoped she felt the same. I think I felt like in love again. It took me 3.5 years but now it happened. I felt butterflies everywhere and sometimes I even had goosebumps when Helen touched me.

There was something special about her but I couldn’t tell what it was. I already thought this about Eileen but this time it was different. Although Eileen and Helen shared so many interests they were totally different personalities.

The guests came over and Helen introduced me to everyone. I liked being called her “boyfriend”. I think I already felt the same although we never really talked about it. “So….do you like it in Chino?” she asked me. “At least a little bit?” Helen grinned. “Yes….it’s different from what I expected” “Yeah, I know. Everyone expects a ghetto with criminals but maybe these people watched too many episodes of “The O.C.”” Helen said sarcastic. “Actually it can be very cool here” She was right. The house where she and Emma were living was very small but also beautiful. It had a garden and a small veranda where everyone was sitting now. A few neighbors, Agneta, Helen, Emma, a friend of hers and me. For the first time in years I felt like I just met a new family.

Later that night we were lying in her bed talking. Honestly, her bed wasn’t very comfortable and it was much smaller than my bed. But although I preferred my bed in LA I didn’t want to be somewhere else. Because I was here with Helen and that was everything that counted right now. I really liked her company, her family, everything about her.

“I’m so happy you came today” she told me while covering my chest with her arm. “Sure I came! I promised it!” “Yes but….when I first met you I thought you wouldn’t come to Chino” “Why?” “Because you looked so typical like LA. Echo Park or so” “Well but I’m not a hipster” I laughed. “I know” she grinned. “But you’re an Angelino. That’s for sure” “Hm…maybe but I like exploring new places” “So….how’s Chino? As bad as you expected?” “No” I laughed. “It’s cool” “So you would visit me more often?” Helen asked me full in expectation. “Well…sure….why not?” “I don’t know. Because you have so much money and you could buy another house in Holly wood but now you met me from Chino….this is just very surreal for me, you know” “Oh well….please don’t think this way. I really like your home and your family. Your mom is so nice and funny and your daughter is just the loveliest. I think you wouldn’t be the same person if you wouldn’t have moved here. That’s your home, that’s what makes you who you are” “Yes but you’re from LA and you’re playing in one of the biggest bands in the world….it’s just a bit strange for me” 

In fact Helen didn’t know the Chili Peppers before. When she asked me what I was doing for a living and I told her that I was a musician and she didn’t ask further questions. She just accepted it and never guessed that I was playing in such a big band. But on our second date I told her that I was doing this music video in Venice and this was the first time she wondered what I was really doing for a living. I couldn’t hide it so I told her about the band and my job. Surely she was impressed but that’s all. She wasn’t really into this music. She only listened to very rare and unknown indie bands. But she liked my music room and liked watching me jamming on my guitar.

“It doesn’t have to be strange” I told her. “Hm….” ”I don’t live this lifestyle” “I know but….we’re coming from two different lives….” “Maybe but….I like the simple lifestyle” I smiled. “I’m just wondering how we could figure it out….being together….with you living in LA and playing music and me living in Chino” “Well….we’ll find a way” I promised her. “You can come to LA every time you want and next time you have to bring Emma with you. She wants to visit the Hollywood Sign and the Walk of Fame and of course Disneyland” “Yeah….of course she wants” Helen laughed. “Did she already tell you about all of her plans?” “Yes….she did” “Oh well…seems like she does like you” Helen said with shining eyes. “Well…of course she likes me. I’m a good guy” I grinned. “Yes but….it’s not easy for her getting along with a strange guy. I mean, I used to date a few guys back then when she was younger but….she didn’t like any of them” “Hm….maybe these were the wrong guys” “Probably” Helen said. “Because I haven’t met you yet” We kissed and for the first time I felt totally okay again. No comparing Helen with Eileen. No thinking about Eileen. Not imagine her being Eileen. I think this was a good sign.

 December

“I can’t believe we just moved here just to leave for New Years Eve” Helen said when she came downstairs, a suitcase in her hands. “It’s just for New Years Eve” I laughed. “I know but….it’s just strange. We only live here for two weeks and now we’re leaving again”

Helen and Emma moved in with me two weeks ago. We discussed it for weeks and thought about what would be the best time for Emma to move to LA. But since Emma was totally fine with it we decided that they would move in before Christmas. Emma would attend a new school after the holidays and so all of us had a few weeks off from work and school to get used to the new living situation. Even for me it was something special and exciting. I only lived with Eileen and Mia but this time my girlfriend even brought a daughter into my house.

So we spent our first Christmas together in our house. My parents and my sister and her family came over and we had the best Christmas in years. Maybe it was also the best Christmas in years because it was the first one since Eileen broke up with me that I wasn’t on my own. Now I had my own little family with me.

On a Lakers game a few days after Christmas Eric asked me if Helen, Emma and I wanted to go to New York for New Years Eve. Molly and him were flying over to the east coast to celebrate it there. We could all live in a big airbnb house. So I talked with Helen and Emma and they agreed. I still had to laugh when I thought about Emma’s big eyes when I told her about the journey to New  York.

Helen and Emma were very excited because it was their first trip together to NYC. While Helen was there during her college time, Emma never visited this city before.

After arriving in NYC we started a typical sightseeing tour to see the most important places of the city. Afterwards I showed them my favourite places and we had dinner at my favourite burger restaurant. I liked showing them MY places of the city because it was totally different than all of the tourism places.

On New Years Eve morning we went shopping and to the grocery store because we planned to make dinner together with Eric and Molly. My friends really liked Helen and Emma. First I was a little bit afraid if they would like and welcome her. Especially because Molly was good friends with Eileen. But I saw it in their eyes. They really liked her and Molly and Helen even went to the kitchen together to prepare the dinner.

Afterwards Helen, Emma and I decided to go to the Brooklyn Bridge to wait until it’s midnight. Eric and Molly stayed at home because of the baby.

“Happy New Year my love, I’m so fucking happy to have you in my life!” Helen whispered in my ear before she kissed me. Welcome 2019, I hope you bring joy and fun and health!

The next day we all had brunch at a café in Manhattan. While the ladies and the kids went home afterwards, Eric and I walked to a guitar store.

“Wow, I never thought the two of us would spent New Years Eve together in New York with our families….I mean, how strange is that? A few years ago we were touring together, making music, just hanging and jamming in a smelly music room and now? Look at us. We both found our fortune!” Eric said. “Yeah, it’s strange how life can change so fast” I agreed. “I never thought that becoming a father would change my life so much and that it would make me so fucking happy. I can’t even find words for it!” he laughed. I nodded. It was very strange how even my life changed that much after meeting Helen. She definitely made me happy. “And dude, Helen is such a lovely woman! She’s pure nature and she makes you so happy. You look so great! I remember how fucked up you looked when you were messing around with all these girls….it wasn’t good for you. But now you finally found someone. Honestly, even I didn’t believe that it would happen to you again after this heartbreaking story with Eileen. We were really scared that you would never find a woman you could love again. But you did and she’s the best” “She is!” I smiled. “And Emma….oh my gosh, she is just a genius! She’s so smart and funny and so self-confident. And she’s only 9 years old!” “She is” “And you teach her how to play the drums, right?” “Yes, she asked me a few weeks ago and I started showing her some things” “Great….I bet she’ll be a great woman when she grew up. Maybe a great musician!” Eric laughed. “Maybe” “And what about you and Helen….do you want to have own children?” “Um” now Eric shocked me with this question. I never thought about it before. Surely, I liked Emma and I got along with her very well and I liked living with them but….I never thought or talked with Helen about having children. Maybe it was too soon. “Hm….I don’t know. I think we need some time” “Come on Josh, you turned 39 last year. It’s time. You are in your best years!” Eric tried to convince me. “I know but….I think I still need time. Helen and I are only dating for six months now. We should see how we can figure out our relationship. I mean, the Chilis would release a new record in summer and I’m going to tour for at least one year afterwards. That’s a long time. And I can’t imagine that Helen is pregnant when I’m on tour. I would go crazy because I couldn’t be there for her, you know” “I know….and I know that Eileen lost the baby when you were touring but….that’s life. You can’t plan when it will happen” “But I can’t control it when I take care” I let him know and we entered the guitar store.  

February

I was sitting on the couch in my living room when Helen and Emma came back from a walk with my dog Bowie. I took Bowie home with me one day last year after visiting a dog pound in El Sereno. He looked so cute and sad. He wanted to be taken out of this cage. So I decided to take him home with me. When I wasn’t at home my sister or some friends took care of him and now that Helen and Emma were living here as well they sometimes did a walk with him. “Hey my boy, where did you go today, hm?” I asked him as I tickled his head. “Oh he almost ran away!” Helen told me upset. “He ran to a woman on the Mulholland Drive. She was enjoying the view and suddenly Bowie ran to her and jumped at her and even licked her fingers!” “Oh really?” I asked surprised. “Mister, what did you do?” I looked at my dog. “I don’t know what came into him but….he was going crazy. Emma and I started running to catch him but suddenly he sat next to the woman and smiled at us. He was so cheeky!” “Well, maybe he knew this woman” “I don’t think so. She didn’t know him” “But maybe he met her in his prior life. You’ll never know” I said while Bowie was sitting next to me smiling. Yes, dogs can smile and this boy looked very happy today. “I don’t know….it was such a strange situation and I was afraid he could hurt her or so” “No, he wouldn’t do this” I said. “He’s a gentleman” “Yeah, sometimes. Not when he meets the neighbour’s cat” Helen rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to her” I grinned at Bowie. “Well, whatever….the woman was very nice and she told us that she has a dog herself but he’s home. So she was very understanding” “That’s good. At least no one who was afraid of dogs!” I said. “She definitely wasn’t” Helen told me.

I was looking at Bowie. “Hey my boy, what did you do today, hm? Running to strangers?” I asked him. He was only begging for food. “Maybe he really knew the woman” “I don’t think so. When we arrived at our car we saw her again and she was talking in German on the phone” “In German?” “Yes” “Okay…hm” “So maybe just a tourist” “Maybe”

  Later that night Bowie woke me up because he wanted to go outside. While we were walking to the small park near my house where Bowie did his business I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. Suddenly I thought about what Helen told me today. The woman they met was talking in German on the phone. Maybe it could be but….no it couldn’t. But for the first time in months I checked Eileen’s Instagram feed just to see if…. Okay. She was there. She posted a picture from the Mulholland Drive. Today. She was here. She was here in LA.

I was shocked. It was the first time in months that I was thinking of her again. “Hey Bowie….” I said while kneeling down at him. “Did you see this woman?” I asked and showed him a picture of Eileen on my phone. I knew that it was stupid to show my dog this picture because he wouldn’t even look at it and he couldn’t answer me. But I had the feeling that I had to do it. “Did you see her?” I kept asking. Now I was more asking myself than my dog. “Did you see Eileen today?”

 August

“Josh maaaan” Flea welcomed me when I entered the plane. We were on our way to Europe to promote our new record “Mulholland Drive”. Again it was my idea to name this record like this because I loved this place. The others like the idea as well because it belonged to LA like the smog. “How’s it going? How did you spent the last three weeks?” He asked me. Before flying over to Europe to promote our new record we decided to have three weeks off for vacation until we would start the first leg of our tour. This time we did it differently. After already promoting the record in the US and playing a few special shows in LA and a few festival shows, we would tour Europe for five weeks in a row, would then turn back to LA for three week just to start touring North America in November. It was my idea to shorten the tour but to lengthen the tour legs. I was sick of flying back and forth to Europe. I told the others about it and also told them about my idea of a new touring schedule. I knew they were doing these two weeks on, two weeks off thing for such a long time now but after discussing it for a few days we finally decided to try it. So we would tour Europe, US and then South America until May next year, a few more festival shows in Europe next summer and finally Australia in December 2021.

“I’m great thanks. What about you?” I told Flea. “Great man. Just as always” he grinned. “So you were on vacation with your new lady, right? How was it?” “It was great. We did a short roadtrip through Idaho, visited Helen’s family and then we flew to New York to see a few Yankee’s games” “Oh maan, that’s great news!” Flea smiled. “So you seems like this young lady does make you happy again, right?” “She does….I mean, I already told you when we were doing our record in January but….yeah, she’s great” I smiled. “Wow, see” he started talking. “You are happy again. I was right when I told you about it, wasn’t I? I mean, I really liked Eileen, she’s a beautiful woman, but….she left you. Things didn’t work out. But now you met this lady….Helen?” “Yes her name is Helen” “Helen….and her daughter….wow, now it’s getting serious” Flea laughed. “We’ll see” I answered a bit shy.

After flying to Europe we did a couple of interviews for our new record. First we stopped in London, later we flew over to Berlin and Rome. Right afterwards we started our Europe tour leg in Helsinki.

 September

After two weeks of touring, Helen joined me. She could have some weeks off from work and so she took a flight to Europe. It was my idea that she should join me – only if she could have weeks off from work. I liked the idea of having her around me. I thought that with her by my side I wouldn’t get lost and out of control while touring. And I was right.

Our last country we played before heading back to LA was Germany. We had one day off in Berlin until we would hit the stage again in Germany tomorrow.

Helen and I decided to do some sightseeing. Since she was never here before I showed her some of my favourite places in the city. I even told her that I lived here for a few months during a Chilis break. She was surprised but didn’t ask further questions.

So after taking some selfies at the Brandenburg Gate we had dinner at one of the restaurants I could remember from my time here in Berlin. Helen liked it. But I was a bit lost in thoughts because today wasn’t only a day off. It was also a date I will always remember I guess. It was Eileen’s birthday and staying in the same city as her – I thought she was here she posted a picture from Berlin yesterday – made me confused.

“Hey my love, don’t you think we should get ooooon?” Helen whispered in my ear when we were laying on the hotel bed. “Hm….” I didn’t know what to say because I was still questioning myself if maybe I should text Eileen. It was her birthday and I wanted to show her that I thought about her – as a friend. I knew we didn’t congratulate each other the last years but….I wanted to. “Come one Josh” Helen said and now she was sitting on my lap and kissed me. “We’re alone….we will only be alone during the next week so….let’s have some fun” she grinned and went on. I let her do it but I didn’t feel like doing it. “What’s wrong with you?” “Nothing….I’m just tired” “Oh come on honey, just a short quickie” “I don’t know” I said and got off the bed. She rolled her eyes and looked at me while I was walking into the bathroom. “Can’t we just have sex like a normal couple?” she asked me but I closed the door. 

In the end I didn’t text Eileen to greet her on her birthday. It felt too weird. But when I was walking through Berlin today I hoped to run into her. I knew it would be weird if she would see me together with Helen but I just hoped it would happen.

But it didn’t happen. Instead I was sitting in the bathroom hoping to get away from here. I don’t know what happened to me today but suddenly I felt so sad and confused. I knew that Eileen was here in Berlin. We were in the same city but we didn’t spend time together. Suddenly I felt like being taking back to the time we were both living here in Berlin. It was a great time. I would have never ever guessed that I would meet one of my biggest loves of my life when I decided to live in Berlin for a few months.

Now I came back to this city where I met her. But I wasn’t with her anymore. Instead I was here with another woman that I truly loved. Helen was great but right now I felt a bit melancholy because of all the places that reminded me of Eileen and me.

I couldn’t sleep at night. Helen didn’t talk to me after I left the bathroom. I stayed awake. Suddenly I had this song idea, so I picked a piece of paper, a pencil and went to the balcony where I sat down, watched the lights of Berlin at night and started writing this song that was on my mind for hours now.

I wrote some lines for a song I still haven’t figured out. There was melody in my mind but that’s it. I knew what the song was about. It was about Eileen.

I thought about writing a song about my ex while being in a hotel room with my current girlfriend.

I love Helen, I love Emma, I love our life together. I just love how it all turned out. But sometimes there are days when I think back of the time I shared with Eileen and wonder if I will ever see her again.

 October

“Now you can open your eyes” Helen told me. When I looked into our living room I saw all my friends waiting for me. Everyone came to celebrate together with me. I didn’t know anything about this party. Helen must have organized it secretly by herself. “And I thought we would have dinner” I grinned when I kissed her to thank her for this special surprise. “Well, you only turn 40 once” she laughed. “So I thought you want to spend this special day with all of your friends”

In a way she was right. I even thought about throwing a party but since my birthday was at the beginning of our tour break it would have been stressful to organize it. I was still a bit jetlagged. So I thought that having  dinner together with Helen on my birthday would be the best alternative. But seems as if she thought that I should celebrate this big “number”. Everyone came. My parents, my sister with her family, my best friends, musician friends, every one.

Helen ordered some food and drinks and even a DJ who was playing music this night. It was a wonderful party and when I laid in bed later that night I was so thankful to have her. I knew that I was skeptical about it a few weeks ago when we were in Berlin. I caught myself thinking about Eileen. But now I was just very happy and glad that I had Helen by my side. She was the one who understood me, she knew me, she was always there for me and living with her and her daughter was just wonderful. If someone would’ve told me three years ago that I would fall in love again some day and even becoming something like a step dad for a nine year old girl, I wouldn’t have believed it. But right now this was reality. I was living with a woman I loved, with her beautiful daughter in my house in El Sereno. I wasn’t even sick of touring around the world because Helen would join me sometimes. It felt great. Everything was perfect right now.

Maybe it was the right thing to ask her for a date at the book store last year.

 December

“What a game!” Helen said when we were leaving the Staples Center. “I didn’t think that the Lakers would turn that match and finally win it!” She was so enthusiastic about sports. We were attending two games in a row. The Lakers lost the first one but today they won. We were both very happy. I think I never met a woman who was so in love with sports. Helen wasn’t only a Lakers fan, she also loved Baseball and was a huge Yankees fan. When we were visiting her family in Idaho in summer we decided to fly to New York to watch a Yankees game. After that game even Emma was in love with this sport.

After arriving at home Helen took a shower. Emma was at a friends place and I had to pick her up in an hour. We were both very happy that Emma found some friends so quickly. It wasn’t easy for her to leave all her friends behind in Chino but she was doing great in school. Surely she still saw her old friends in Chino when she was visiting her grandma but she couldn’t see them every day like she did in the past. But Emma was still in love with LA. Sometimes we both took a hike in the mountains or I showed her some special places far away from the typical touristic places. I even took her to a music store and we stayed there for hours.

When I was sitting in my car waiting for Emma I was checking out Instagram. Suddenly there was a picture that took my breathe away – again. I already knew the feeling because I felt it every time I saw a picture of Eileen and her boyfriend. But this time it looked so….intimately…so emotional….like a real love.

Her boyfriend – I already knew that his name was Sebastian and he was playing in the same newcomer band than Eileen’s friend Felix – was giving her a piggyback ride. She was hugging him from behind and both grinned into the camera. Although it wasn’t a typical couple selfie it looked a lot like love. It must’ve been taken after a concert of his band. Maybe it was the last one this year. I looked at this picture for minutes.

Eileen even wrote some words in the caption. She usually doesn’t do this but seems like this time she wanted to show her love and posted one of the rare couple photos of them.

“Today my love played his last concert for this year. It was such a special year. They even won their first music prize and got a gold record for their second album. Now they can spend all their money they gained into beer….haha. Whatever, I’m SO proud of you <3”

 To me it looked like love. Maybe they also had their struggles and problems in their relationship but to me it looked like they both were very happy with each other. The way he was looking at her while turning his head to her was out of this world. I think now I finally saw it. Now I knew that she was happy with him and finally there was one picture that even showed me that it was true love what they shared. And we were done.

________

“Sometimes you get so lonely Sometimes you get nowhere I've lived all over the world I've lived every place Please be mine Share my life Stay with me Be my wife”

[yoonkoooook]

I was tagged by the lovely @taompon (thank youuuuu) RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (lmao i’m not tagging 20 people)

THE LAST: 1. drink: Premier Protein chocolate shake 2. phone call: my mom because the wifi had to be reset  3. text message: “well you’re doing better than me haha” 4. song you listened to: EXO Love Me Right 5. time you cried: I PMSed all last week so.. sometime last week 6. dated someone twice: yes 7. kissed someone and regretted it: absolutely 8. been cheated on: yeah 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: absolutely 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: only a few times honestly

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: 12-14. - black, charcoal grey, rose gold IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: YES ( @perpetually-jungshook [shifty eyes])  16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: lots of times, yes 18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah 19. met someone who changed you: nah 20 found out who your friends are: a little bit, i think 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: yeah

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: it’s all my friends and family so i know all of them 23. do you have any pets: a dog, a guinea pig, and a bearded dragon 24. do you want to change your name: nope i actually really like my name 25. what did you do for your last birthday: just went out to dinner and had a drink with some friends. i don’t like huge parties  26. what time did you wake up: about 2:30 in the afternoon 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: just gotten off skype with kay lmao 28. name something you can’t wait for: fuckin OCTOBER 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: about 10 minutes ago 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: NO ANXIETY god that would be great 31. what are you listening to right now: my air conditioner  32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: cramps tbh 34. most visited website: tumblr or youtube or amazon yikes  35-37. lost questions?? 38. hair colour: dirty blonde 39. long or short hair: medium/long i guess idk it’s down to my shoulder blades 40. do you have a crush on someone: nah 41. what do you like about yourself: i like to think i’m pretty non-judgmental and laid back  42. piercings: NONE i had my ears done when i was 8 and i HATED it so i let them heal 43. blood type: no fucking clue. when the hospital took my blood last year they didn’t fuckin test it for the type and i hope i never have to get blood drawn again so i guess i’ll never know  44. nickname: maddy 45. relationship status: single, but preoccupied.. 46. zodiac: leo 47. pronous: she/her 48. favourite tv show: the office or parks and rec 49. tattoos: none, if i didn’t have zero pain tolerance i’d have so many :(  50. right or left handed: right 51. surgery: none, thankfully 52. piercing: i.. just answered this.. 53. sport: i did track during my last two years of high school and i was in marching band and winterguard for 6+ years which i consider my sport so 55. vacation: i used to go to florida and south carolina a lot when i was young but i haven’t traveled anywhere in years. i really want to go to Hawaii, the UK, Japan, and Korea though 56. pair of trainers: sneakers? i usually wear keds. but more often than not i wear my toms or flip flops. in the fall and winter i wear combat boots 

MORE GENERAL 57. eating: i had an apple and a protein shake for breakfast (lunch technically, i woke up at 2pm) 58. drinking: i’m about to get a bottle of water after this 59. i’m about to: be lazy because of cramps but probably try and clean my house 61. waiting for: the thunder storm the weather channel said we were supposed to get this evening 62. want: marijuana to be legal in New York soon (please)  63. get married: ABSOLUTELY yes, someday 64. career: tbh stay at home wife and write a book

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: i’m a sucker for affection so i love both but the hugs where you sway side to side are the best 66. lips or eyes: i think it depends on the person honestly 67. shorter or taller: i feel bad having a preference but i guess when it comes to guys, taller. when it comes to friends or people in general? height doesn’t matter 68. older or younger: for guys, i always want older but usually end up with someone like a year younger than me. for friends, it doesn’t matter to me really.  70. nice arms or nice stomach: ooooooo i like both haha i can’t decide 71. sensitive or loud: from 11pm-4am loud, any other time, sensitive lmao 72. hook up or relationship: relationship for sure. i personally don’t care for hookup culture 73. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant trouble maker lmao chaotic good. mostly hesitant though

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: no no no 75. drank hard liquor: yes 76. lost glasses/contact lesnse: nope i’m too aware of where my glasses are when i take them off so i DON’T lose them 77. turned someone down: yeah 78. sex on the first date: no thank you 79. broken someone’s heart: i think so but i’m not sure 80. had your heart broken: oh absolutely, a few times 81. been arrested: no 82. cried when someone died: yeah 83. fallen for a friend: yes, a few times

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: hell yeah, i try to as much as i can 85. miracles: i like to think so, yes. i prefer to call them coincidences but yes 86. love at first sight: maybe not love but definitely a connection 87. santa claus: no :( sorry mom 88. kiss on the first date: maybe a sweet kiss on the cheek 89. angels: no but i believe in energy. maybe they’re the same thing, who knows

OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name: Demi, Bailey, Kay, mom lmao 91. eye colour: blue/green, yellow around my pupils when they’re dilated small 92. favourite movie: tangled or ratatouille  i’ll taaaaaag @perpetually-jungshook @btsmee @ttaegiis @awakeforjin @je0n @war-of-hormoan (feel free to skip or ignore this!)

[littlemissmeggie]

92 truths

i was tagged by @1dfourinfinity​, @galeaya067​, and @jjfrommn​ (who tagged me over at my main blog but i’m going to do it here) like a week and a half ago. sorry it’s taken so long! thank you all for tagging me!

Rules: Write 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

what was your…

last drink: a cup of tea in my cute harry fanart mug

last phone call: ugh. i spent like 45 minutes on the phone with my internet provider yesterday setting up a time for a tech guy to come replace my modem.

last text message: “hahaha! there’s someone in my building/neighbourhood that’s ‘the west wing.’” talking about people’s wifi names because i just renamed mine “gryffindor tower” after the internet guy set up my new modem.

last song you listened to: “screen” by twenty one pilots

last time you cried: sunday night. my mom and i were telling my brother a story about the night we hit a deer and an owl within two miles of each other because he was only a few months old at the time. it’s a super weird, funny story and we were all laughing so hard we were crying. (the deer was fine. we brought the owl home and called a local animal rehab place and they came to take the owl the next day and then sent us a picture in the mail of the owl being released back to the wild.)

have you ever…

dated someone twice: kind of? i dated this kid john for a while and then we broke up because he was joining the army and then we got back together for like a month when he came back from boot camp and then we broke up again.

been cheated on: yes. by my first boyfriend with this girl who was a total bitch to me. 😒 

kissed someone and regretted it: nope

lost someone special: well, my grandmother passed away about seven and a half years ago and that was tough because we were very close. my great uncle eddie, who was like a second grandfather, passed away a little over three years ago and that was tough too. i’ve also lost some good friends because i’m terrible at keeping in touch with people when i no longer see them regularly. and there’s a whole long story about my cousin, who was my best friend since we were babies until about a year and a half ago when he got married.

been depressed: yeah. i’ve had bouts of depression since my teens. i’ve been doing all right lately though.

in the past year have you…

made a new friend: i’ve made some friends here on tumblr, which is really awesome. i guess i made a few new “work friends” when i started at the country club last summer too, so that’s kind of cool.

fallen out of love: not in the past year.

laughed until you cried: pretty much any time i’m with my mom and my sister or we are texting in our group chat. 

met someone who changed you: well, i like to think that everyone you meet changes you, sort of in the butterfly effect kind of way, so yes. i’ve met a lot of new people in the past year. 

found out who your true friends are: i don’t feel like i’ve really had anything happen in the past year that would have proved who my “true friends” are. 

kissed anyone on your followers/following: no

how many people on your tumblr do you know irl: i knew one of my mutuals long before tumblr was even a thing. other than that, i’ve met @1dfourinfinity and @narryintheam​ when we went to see niall on the today show in october. and there’s my group chat and @kirrylovesnarry​ who i’ve never met in real life but who i talk to all of the time. 

do you want to change your name: the name on my birth certificate is not meggie and no, i won’t tell you what it actually is, but i’ve never been called by the name on my birth certificate except in situations where they’re only calling me by my legal name. my cousin mentioned above didn’t know my real name until we were 8. so, to answer the question, i would love to legally change my name to meggie but i think it would really hurt my mom’s feelings because it’s a family name.

what time did you wake up today: 7:43am

what were you doing at midnight last night: i was actually going to bed, which never happens that early.

name something you can’t wait for: summer

what is the one thing you wish you could change about your life: i just wish i had a bit more money because finances get a little tight in the winter with heat bills and fewer work hours since the country club closes for the winter and i’m only working part-time at my other job.

what are you listening to right now: my boyfriend talking to his friend on the phone. or like in general? because i’ve been on a twenty one pilots kick lately.

whats getting on your nerves right now: one of my cats is in heat right now and she keeps making this really annoying crying meow.

about me…

nicknames: meg, megs, megaleg, megapalooza, miss meg/miss meggie (hence my url), mugzi/mugz, and megatron by my family; pookie, pumpkin, and punky by my boyfriend.

relationship: i’ve been with my boyfriend for almost six and a half years.

zodiac sign: libra/scorpio. i’m born on the day it changes so some things list me as the last day of libra and others have me as the first day of scorpio. i used a calculator thing where you put in the time you were born and everything once and it said i was scorpio. if i’d been born, like, three hours earlier, it would have been libra. but i definitely have both libra and scorpio traits.

pronouns: she/her

favourite TV shows: breaking bad, buffy the vampire slayer, 3rd rock from the sun, it’s always sunny in philadelphia, the sopranos, arrested development, and the original csi.

school: i graduated from the culinary institute of america in may 2010.

hair colour: brown with natural reddish-blond streaks. i’ve never dyed it.

long or short hair: i wore my hair short (like, super short) from the age of 7 to about 23 and then i grew it out really long. i cut it chin-length and donated it almost two years ago and realised i like it better long now. weird how life changes.

do I have a crush on someone: does my boyfriend count? 

what do you like about yourself: i’m smart and funny, in an odd way. i’m talented, though most of them are wasted talents. i’m very good at my jobs and i’m a hard worker. i’m nice. i’m a strong person; i’ve been through a lot of shitty things in my life but i’m still here and i try to learn and grow from the shitty things as much as i can.

firsts…

first surgery ever: i had two hernias removed when i was, like, 3.

first piercing: i don’t have any piercings.

first sport you joined: my parents signed me up for kiddie soccer when i was maybe 4 because they wanted me to make new friends other than my cousin zak. i cried on the second day because i hated it so much. 

first vacation: probably rehoboth beach, delaware. family tradition from when my mom was maybe 6 years old until my parents got divorced fifteen years ago.

first pair of trainers/sneakers: i’m 29. i don’t remember my first pair of sneakers. probably just white keds or something.

right now…

eating: nothing but my boyfriend’s making dinner right now.

drinking: water and tea now

listening to: my boyfriend making dinner

waiting for: dinner. i’m starving. 

wanting kids: not really, unless my boyfriend really wants kids someday. i’m not a very maternal person.

career: i’m an assistant at cooking classes, though i’m going to apply for a position as an instructor. during the summer/early fall, i also work as the sous chef at the country club in my town.

romantic stuff…

lips or eyes: eyes probably.

hugs or kisses: um, kisses i guess. i don’t really like hugging people. i guess i hug my boyfriend in a romantic way though, if that makes sense? i just don’t really like hugging.

shorter or taller: taller. my boyfriend’s 6′. i dated a guy who was 6′3″ for a while, which was funny to see because i’m only 5′.

older or younger: i’ve almost always dated guys who were at least a year older than me. my boyfriend is twelve years older than me. my second longest relationship, though, was with a guy who was three years younger than me.

romantic or spontaneous: can’t you be both?

sensitive or loud: both? i’m not an overly sensitive person…

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: i’m not sure how those are really opposites so i’m not sure how to answer. just someone who’s not boring but doesn’t get into trouble with the law, i guess?

have you ever…

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: i like whiskey and gin though i don’t drink often. 

lost glasses or contacts: i don’t wear glasses or contacts, so no. 

been arrested: no

turned someone down: yes

cried when someone died: obviously. i may not be overly sensitive but i still cry when people die.

fallen for a friend: yes. i was in love with my best friend for a while.

do you believe…

in yourself: usually. i’ll go through a period of, like, two days where i’m all down on myself and then i realise i’m actually pretty cool.

miracles: yes

love at first sight: infatuation, maybe. love, no. 

santa claus: i did when i was a kid. i no longer do, though.

kiss on the first date: depends on the person and how the date goes.

i’m not tagging anyone because i just tagged a bunch of people in another thing, but do this if you’d like to and tag me so i can see it!

[datingadviceonreddit]

hello good friend,bear with me because this is going to be a lot of text.....so i know this girl from my friends group, she isnt part of the group anymore but was a few years back when se dated one of the guys out the group...all the time i had known her she had a boyfriend so i simply had no interest whatsoever. but a few months back she broke up with him and moved to another city to start studying...at the end of march/start of april we had a birthday of a mutual friend the group was quite big and it was held in a local pub so lots of people to talk to and laugh with but she clearly showed an extra amount of interest in me.now i want to state i am 21 years old and never dated a girl in my life for the most simple reason: i never met a girl that could get it going for me so i never took the first step of approaching etc etc etc...around half past 3 in the morning she decided to leave because she was tired, i was completely hammered so saw no good coming from me bringing her home. and we didnt see each other for about a month and a half.now there was a party in my town and she also decided to go. the evening before the said party we (the girl, my friends and i) did go to a kind of preparty and had fun but nothing happend between me and her, the next day right about 2 oclock we started drinking at a friends house, now the flirting and teasing became really clear to me and continued until the night ended. i walked her home and gave her a "kiss" but i needed to rush home because i had to work within a few hours.next day i wake up got a text from her (she was in a groupschat with my friends) she enjoyed the 2 days and thanked me for bringing her home, she invited me to a party at her place the next week. we continued texting that whole week (i know i know, but i didnt have any experience at all so keeping the texting up was a big big step for me)and then friday evening i drove with 2 friends to her place, we grabbed a bite to eat and had a few drinks before heading off to the party... oowyeah and had my first ever kiss and first kiss with her when we were in her room (nothing memorable other than intertwined fingers while walking the way back happend)when we got back my friends (2 only this time) sat another hour or so before they decided to go home... the girl and i didnt feel like ending the night so we decided to go to a bar in town to just have fun and drink something (i was with the car and as i am a trucker i dont drink and drive so for me it was no alcohol and for her neither as she didnt drank it because i couldt also)when we got back at her home we started kissing for about a good half an hour or more and then i drove home...next day woke up had already gotten a few text and was quite feeling the man to be honest... i really liked her.she was going on vacation that sunday so she needed to do a little shopping, we decided to see each other 2 weeks later.later that day my friends and i were chatting about having a bbq and because she was still in the chat she started to say it was a nice idea etc so i texted her "you want to come?" she did and i brought her.. my friends drank quite a few beers that night and were misbehaving to say the least... yelling etc so my friends parent werent happy. she kissed me infront of my friends so i thought we were quite comfortable... also the teasing involved her saying she had alot of options and asked where my side chicks were... she sometimes openly texted another guy infront of menext day we teased a little back and forth because she was on the bus... but then my friends started complaining in the groupchat about the mess of the night before... even though they didnt mean she was involved she took it rather personally and texted me she couldnt handle the drama and though it was best to just let be... she even canceled the "date" we had in 2 weeksi texted her monday to feel it out but got a cold response so didnt do anything with it and stopped texting her...wednesday she texted me she was having fun and was sorry she couldnt text as much because she had only wifi in the lobby and asked how my week was going...told her a few things just the minimal because i had no idea what to think of the situation... but she seemed a lot colder then before so i was tired of this and told her i had fun the last 2 days and would like to see her again suggested an activity and a timetable...she said she enjoyed the 2 days but she didnt know if she was up to the drama with all thos old friends etc etcto explain her ex spilled every detail of their relationship so she was seen as quite a slut for sometime...i texted her i understood and that if she wanted to do something together she could text me.. to put the ball in her court so to speak....that was the last thing we texted to each other and it has been a week ago... now i am a truckdriver so i have A LOT of time to think.... and its driving me crazy to be honest.my questions are these:do i contact her? bear in mind i have only spoken or texted her, not called or whatsoever.if i dont... how do i get her out of my mind because when i am working (about 10 to 15 hours a day) i cant get her out of my head....thanks for reading this huge amount of text and hope you have some light on this matter... via /r/dating_advice

[self-proclaimed-chaotic-good]

Apples & Cinnamon (4) - The Calm | Carlton Drake x Reader

Words: 3580

Warning: not much. Slight NSFW? I’m giving you guys a small break from the angst that the last chapter had with some fluffiness and cheesiness.

A/N: This is the second to the last chapter of A&C, folks. Took me awhile to get this up due to the holidays, plus no wifi, plus the document of 3k+ words not saving the first time haha (I died inside, after I stayed up ‘til 5am to finish it ‘cause I’ve had hard time sleeping lately only for it to not save)

-

Retreating feet echoed through the clinic’s walls after you finished with the last walk-in patient for the day before the clinic closed. You hated being angry and that was one of your best qualities and one of your worst flaws. Because of this, you avoid confrontation until you’ve had enough. The day when you had a late lunch with Anne was an example of that. You admit that it wasn’t a healthy way to deal with things and you knew that you agreed with Carlton that you would share everything. But there was a nagging feeling in the back of your head that Carlton wasn’t sharing everything either.

Maybe it’s because of Carlton’s new project. It’s the biggest he’s ever done, and it took so much of his time, even when he was at home. There was a lot of confidentiality behind what he does, but he used to give you the gist of it without revealing too much. Maybe you’re overthinking things again. Who knew all those years of building your confidence up would slowly break down because of something like this? You reminded yourself that a visit to your therapist was overdue, but you hoped to have sorted things out by yourself first.

“Dr. (Y/l/n),” the receptionist called out, “Someone’s here to see you.”

You sighed, walking over to the front desk from one of the exam rooms. “The clinic is closed for the day, how did they-”

Carlton stood with a bouquet of roses, his arms spread wide as he smiled at you. Your troubled thoughts and the stress of the day were suddenly pushed back after seeing his face. It had been too long, almost two weeks of not having time to yourselves.

The receptionist excused herself, packing her things and made her way to the break room. You walked around the front desk and threw yourself at Carlton, knocking the breath out of him as you held him tight. He chuckled, wrapping his arms around you and breathing in your scent. His shoulders relaxed as you leaned into him, embracing your warmth that he missed during his late nights at the facility, only getting a few hours sleeping next to you before you had to get up early for the clinic.

“I missed you,” you mumbled into his chest.

He tried to pull away, but you held on tight, dragging him behind the front desk and towards the privacy of the closest exam room. “I’ve brought you flowers, by the way,” he said, holding up the bouquet again.

You reluctantly released him, grabbing the roses from him and breathed in deeply. “What’s the special occasion?” you asked, knowing your anniversary isn’t for another few months.

Carlton shrugged. “Just wanted to see my girl and… apologize for how things have been lately for us.” He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately and I know I worry you a lot. I was too caught up with my research that I hadn’t realized how much I’ve been causing you stress on top of the things you had to deal with at work.”

Your throat started to constrict as he spoke. Of course, he’d be the one to initiate things. You’d always have something in your mind, and he’d be the first one to talk it out. You set down the bouquet and sat on the exam table, crinkling the thin sheet of paper below you.

“You know that every time we run into something, we’ve always managed to fix it, right?” he continued, and you nodded. “I wanted to give you a heads up that the spacecraft is planning to head back home in a couple of weeks, so there’s going to be a long period where we might not see each other at all. I want to spend time with you before that happens, far away from all of this.”

He unbuttoned his suit jacket and pulled out two strips of paper from his inner pocket. His thumb ran over the print before he handed it to you. From the size and the printed design on the front, you could already tell they were plane tickets. You took them from Carlton and read the destination.

“Singapore? We’re really going?” you asked excitedly. You reread the ticket, checking the departure date and time. “I need to send in my request, I… this is going to be my first time to call in for a vacation in a long time. Not since we went to India on our first anniversary.”

“Well, then I’ll have to make every day count, then,” Carlton said, walking over to you. He kissed your forehead as you leaned into him.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” you muttered as you continued to read over the tickets again.

“Like I said, I haven’t been the best boyfriend to you. If anything, I need to step it up and be worthy of you,” he said, holding your face between his warm hands.

You scoffed. “You always have a way with words, don’t you?”

“My way with words did make you so enamored with me at that NYU conference, if I remember correctly,” he teased.

“I can’t believe you were watching me after I stepped on a few feet while finding my seat.” You lowered your eyes and grimaced as you felt embarrassment for your past self.

Carlton chuckled, squishing your face before kissing your lips. “You really know how to catch a guy’s attention.”

“Shut up, Mister Carlton Drake.”

“Then, make me, Miss (Y/f/n) (Y/l/n).” Before you lean in to kiss him, you suddenly remembered that you were still at the clinic when there was a knock on the door.

“I’m sorry, Doctor (Y/l/n), but we’re closing up this area,” one of the front receptionists said.

“Okay, thank you,” you called back, pushing Carlton away and pointed an accusing finger at him. “You, sir, are a distraction.”

“I had to repay the favor every time you come and distract me at my work place,” Carlton said with a smirk.

-

Not only was it a round trip to Singapore, Carlton also got seats in first class. You bounced excitedly in your very plush seat as Carlton went to grab a drink from the counter. You looked around the area, grabbing the silky pajamas from the table and flipping through the menu of the small TV. Carlton came back with two wine glasses, handing one over to you.

“You are so extra,” you told him before taking a sip of the white wine.

Carlton sat down next to you and laughed. “Well, I was going to get a private jet to fly over, but I figured since you’re very fond of public transportation, the first-class seat will do.” He tilted his head and held his glass up and clinked it against yours. “Anything for you, my dear.”

“So, what are we going to do first there?”

Carlton shrugged. “By the time we reach there, it’ll be morning, so we have the whole day to play around with. Eat some Kaya toast, look at some tourist sights, eat some more, shop around, and then eat even more, then we fall into a food coma, then do it all over again the next day.”

You hummed, swirling the wine around as you pursed your lips. “And are you going to be accepting calls from work?” you asked casually.

“No, I will not,” Carlton said firmly. “It’s just you and me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

After your flight, the day went the way Carlton said it would. Of course, it would. Carlton would do everything to see that his plans go through. Seeing him dress casually, walking around relaxed and smiling, made you wish you had gone on a trip with him sooner. Work had been stressing the both of you out, so a vacation was well needed.

One of your stops was at the Merlion park, a go-to on a Singapore trip. Carlton leaned against the white railing, wearing a white shirt, blue flannel, and khaki shorts, with sunglasses over his eyes. You lifted your phone and took a picture of his side profile, snapping another when he turned to look at you.

“Are you taking pictures of me?” he asked, knowing the answer already. 

You shrugged, leaning your back on the railing next to him and smile as you continued to admire your boyfriend. He looked so care free. You raised your hand, tracing his jawline and cupped his cheek, the pads of your fingers brushing against his growing stubble.

“What?” he asked again as you continued to stare.

“I love you,” you found yourself saying. It had been too long since the both you went without saying those three words outright.

He grinned, pecking you on your lips. “I love you, too.”

You’ve enjoyed yourself, you really did, but the nagging feeling kept coming back. You didn’t think it was anything bad, but it was something. It started when Carlton would wake up first, heading outside, then coming back with breakfast. Although, his time outside of the room took longer than necessary to get food. Then, he kept rummaging through his luggage, as if he was looking for something or making sure everything was there.

During the end of the week, the second to the last day in Singapore, Carlton did it again. He took out his clothes and repacked them, feeling his hand around the bottom of his luggage and through the pockets. You sat cross legged on the bed watching him. His phone that sat next to you began to ring, one of the researchers from the facility showing on the caller ID. Throughout the trip, he really did ignore the phone calls, at least in front of you. He even made it a point on telling them to only call once you were back in San Francisco before turning off his phone. They still called, though.

You leaned forward, grabbing a handful of his butt as he was still bent over his luggage. He jerked, spinning his head towards you, an innocent smile on your face. A growl left his throat as he turned and pounced on you, one hand holding your wrists up while the other tickled your sides. You shrieked, trying your best to squirm away from him. You wrapped your legs around his waist and used your weight to flip him over. He landed with an oof, holding his hands out in surrender.

“Why do you keep doing that?” you asked him.

“Doing what?”

“You keep going through your things as if someone stole something.”

“It’s nothing.”

Carlton avoided your gaze, his eyes landing on his phone as three missed calls popped up on the screen. You spotted this, pushing his phone away from his reach. When you made no move to get off, Carlton sighed, placing his hands on your hips.

“You know,” he said slowly, hooking his thumbs under the seam of your shirt and rubbing the skin underneath, “if you’re going to stay there, might as well do something about it.”

You hummed, tilting your head innocently. “Like what?”

Before he could say anything, you start to move your hips painfully slowly over his. He quickly sucked in a breath, his grip tightening on you.

“Sweetie,” he warned, narrowing his eyes.

“When is our dinner reservation?” you asked almost too casually, as if you weren’t grinding on him earlier.

“Not for another three hours,” he said, trailing a hand up your spine, sending shivers through you.

You hummed again, diving down to pepper his face with kisses before trailing down to his neck. He let out a groan, the noise vibrating through his throat as you nibbled by his collarbone. The phone was long forgotten as you continued your slow ministration. You had three hours to spare after all.

-

The restaurant that Carlton chose rested at the top of a tower, the outer walls were all made of clear glass, allowing patrons to gaze upon the beauty of Singapore, crystal chandeliers illuminated the room, small candles and flower arrangements used as center pieces of each round table. With the rate that Carlton had been going, from the round-trip first-class tickets, to booking an expensive beach side hotel, it was only a matter of time until he would make reservations to an expensive restaurant. Carlton wasn’t one to flaunt his wealth in the form of parties or entourages or use it to play around like Tony Stark did. Instead, according to him, he uses it towards his company and on you.

Carlton kept an arm around your waist as the waiter led the two of you to a secluded area of the restaurant that overlooked the ocean. While you strayed from Carlton’s side to admire the view, his eyes were admiring you. Before the waiter could leave after setting up their table, Carlton whispered something to him. The waiter nodded, announcing that he’ll come back to take their order.

“It’s been a while since we could relax and breathe,” You said, feeling Carlton press his chest against your back.

Carlton rubbed your arms, sliding his hands across your stomach and pulled you in. Kissing your temple, he said, “I hope this makes up for the way I have been lately.”

You thought for a moment. Carlton does try to make up for things when you point them out, most times exceeding your expectations. During your first year together, Carlton had confessed that he wasn’t good at showing his affections, let alone handle emotions properly. It was either expressed in an extravagant way or a very subtle Mr. Darcy way. Eventually, he allowed his instincts to kick in or learn from example on showing you that he cared. Sometimes, he had said, emotions overwhelmed him, and he had a hard time dealing with that. But you’d talk it through, sharing some advice from your therapist when you used to have regular visits and even had tried writing letters to each other. It’s been four years, and while you are still learning to practice self-care and have confidence in yourself, Carlton was also still learning how to express himself better, although he’s a quick learner.

“Perhaps,” you said playfully, turning around in his arms to face him. “You didn’t have to do this much, you know.”

“My princess deserves all of this and more,” he said, making you crinkle your nose at his sudden cheesiness that he probably got from a film. He raised a hand, gesturing to follow him back to the table that was now filled with appetizers, two flutes in the middle next to a bucket of ice where the champagne rested.

“You’re spoiling me,” you scolded him, hitting his arm lightly.

Carlton chuckled, pulling your seat out for you with a small bow. You thanked him, shrugging off your thin coat, which Carlton took and draped it on the back of your chair. He pushed you in, then went to his own seat.

“With the way my job is, I wasn’t able to take you out to dinner in public or even walk around to shop. I’m making the most of our vacation to make up for those times,” he said with a shrug.

Your smile had unknowingly dropped as you stared down at your plate, processing his words. Something was going on. Or maybe you’re worrying again now that everything was going great. Suddenly, all those gossiping conversations from work started floating to the surface of your memory about how he was out of your league, that he’d probably cheat, that your relationship seemed one-sided. Then, your ex-boyfriends came to mind, all of those who couldn’t handle how introverted you were, how being dragged by them into the middle of a claustrophobic party would trigger an anxiety attack, how you liked to plan dates ahead of time and would get disoriented when something spontaneous happens, how it was hard to say anything for the fear causing an argument. Those traits in turn had them cheat on you, or call you clingy, bossy, embarrassing, or stuck-up, then break up with you, blaming you for everything.

“Sweetie?” Carlton said softly when you didn’t answer. He could recognize that look in your eye, that you were on the verge of an attack. “I’m sorry if this was too much for you. We can always walk out, and we can get seafood anywhere on this island.” You shook your head, stilling looking down as your stomach churned and your heart began to race. “What color are you feeling, sweetie?”

“I’m feeling…,” you mumbled, clearing your throat as if it would ease your stomach, “I’m feeling like heavy rainclouds rolling in over the city. Like red flashing party lights in a dark room. Like the deepest ocean, swept into a current.”

“What emotion do those flowers smell like?” Carlton continued to ask, pointing at the small flower arrangement that consisted on trimmed red and pink roses next to baby’s breath and lavender. Those types of questions that may seem nonsensical to anyone else were something the two of you came up with to distract you when you’re not feeling too well, to shift the focus on to something else.

You reached for the flowers, breathing their scent in, feeling your heart calming down. “They smell like joy, calmness, happiness, and innocence.”

Carlton straightened out the utensils in front of him as he thought of his next question. The corner of his lips twitched up. “What smell do I look like?” His hand inched forward, a silent question if it was okay to touch your hand. You slid your hand into his, and he squeezed gently.

You raised your eyes, seeing the glow from the chandeliers and the small candle illuminate his features. “Warm cinnamon,” you mumbled, rubbing your thumb across his smooth light brown skin. “I’m sorry I had to do this when you had all of this- “You gestured to the table and the restaurant “- planned out. It must be exhausting for you.”

Carlton shook his head. “No, not at all. The way that you had to deal with my overnighters, me not being able to give you a proper date until now, me being distracted with work, you having to deal with rumors about me. You’re a doctor, too, (Y/n), and on top of making sure I even remember to eat and take a break, you have patients to take care of. Now, that’s exhausting. You know, I was even going to add a spa in to our itinerary-”

“Stop it!”

“-But the hot tub and the massage chair in our hotel room should suffice, I suppose,” he joked. “We should start eating before the food gets cold.”

You took a deep breath and laughed off the jittering in your body. You were going to be okay. As you grabbed the menu, Carlton shifted in his seat, a small smile still on his lips as his eyes never left your face. When he was sure you were preoccupied with reading, he stuffed a hand into his jacket pocket, fingers grazing over a small item. Throughout the trip he had made sure he never lost it, a small velvet midnight color box, which he hid in his luggage. He tried his best to hide it well, as you were prone to stealing his shirts from his drawer. Next to the box was a folded paper, the creases worn out by the constant opening and refolding it endured for the past month. He wanted to write everything that he wanted to say to you before memorizing it.

When he first saw you, a clumsy medical student, he saw in your eyes intrigue and understanding. You absorbed every word he said, your eyes never leaving his figure on the stage. It was luck, really, when you literally ran into him in the hallway. He wanted to get to know you, so he asked you out on a date with you showing him around New York and him paying for dinner. He supported and encouraged you as you finished school, even when you had a long-distance relationship, with him being in San Francisco and you in New York City. You found a hospital where you could finish up your residency in California before you were able to work at the clinic. When he’d tell you about his research, you’d listen and give your input from a medical and compassionate perspective. You understood his views, his drives, his personality.

He wanted to make you feel special, although he kept messing up again and again, you always gave him chances. That’s why he chose to go all out for this trip. Your time alone with him, away from everything back home, needed to be special. Because you were special. He would live forever with you if he could, but that couldn’t happen. You both knew that the planet may not survive that long. So, he wanted to make a new world, for the both of you to live in, and his latest project might make that happen. But, for now, he wanted you to know how special he feels for just being his. Carlton’s calm demeanor contradicted his heart rate as he signaled for the waiter to take their order, who nodded, having prepared his request before they came in.

Once you finish your meal, he planned to ask you the big question.

-

A/N: Ooo, the big question. I wonder what it could be. The next chapter is going to be the finale for this series and if you want a hint of what’s to come, read the title. What comes after “The Calm”? As soon as this chapter is posted, I’m going to try to edit that Coffee shop Cassian AU that I’ve talked about before. That series will replace this one once the final chapter is posted. Partners has a long way to go to be finished and I don’t even know how I’m going to finish it.