#sorry i am living for y/n putting on suns “ray rings” and moon putting on y/ns lipstick

[betweenblackberrybranches]

RLGL au guys getting ready to go out on a date♡

My favourite throuple

[thebeebi]

your little games pt. 6

pairing: Jungkook x reader

warnings: fluff in later chapters, smut, non-con, mention of r*pe attempt, implied murder and many more! Read only if you are okay with these topics!

genre: historical AU, 18th century?

word count: 3.8k+ [part 6] 

a/n: I am posting a bit later today. I am sorry but I hope you will enjoy this part!  I was too busy to check grammar, so I am sorry if you see any mistakes. English is not my first language. :) Enjooooy ♥

taglist: @njrwifey​ @danietoww04​ [If you want to be added, just let me know :)]

You ran away from the man who tried to take an advantage of you. You stabbed him and escaped. Escaped to the arms of the handsome captain who was even worse than the man you just killed.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5

You could see him smirking even in the darkness. His teeth were showing and the bright white colour pulled your eyes in. “That is not necessary,” He came closer to you and you felt like your heart was about to jump out of your body. The familiar voice made your knees go weak and you were about to fall down. With a scream, lord Black was ready to save you from falling but Jungkook’s strong arms held you still. He let go of you soon enough seeing the older man pulling the chair for you to sit down. “Are you okay?” Lord Black was worried about your well-being but your aunt hit her fist on the table. “Don’t spoil her, Lord Black.” You looked down on the chair and shook your head slightly showing him that you do not want to sit on it. Lord Black frowned and looked at your aunt. “I am sure she deserves to sit down after living with you. She deserves to relax.” With trembling fingers, he removed hair from your forehead. “You scared me, Y/N.” You looked into the lord’s eyes and whispered. “I am sorry.“ Suddenly you had the need to cover your already clothed body. You knew the feeling. You felt Jungkook’s hungry eyes on your body who was already taking off your clothes with the sight. You were about to say something but your aunt interrupted you telling you what to do. “Now tell us again what happened. Lord Black wants to know all the details because he wants to be sure there is no injustice towards captain Jeon. To put it simply, he does not want to make the captain Jeon father of your bastard when there is a possibility of it… well, not being his.“ Lord Black exhaled and pressed his lips together not wanting to sound rude. “Dear lady, I am sure I can speak for myself. So please, let me do that.” With that, he turned to you and held your hands in his. “Y/N, tell me.” He started hesitantly. “I have my honour and I cannot force captain Jeon to be the father of your child, while I am not one hundred percent sure, that he is the father. So tell me, was there some el-“ He wanted to continue but you shook your head as the answer. “There was no one else. When I left his ship, one man of his crew got me a carry and with that, I came to my aunt’s house. My aunt is the witness when I came there.” You looked down and your aunt stood up hitting the table once again. “And when she came in, I did not let her out of my sight.“ Your aunt smirked as if proud that she made you into the prisoner. “What about before that?” You shook your head and Jungkook who was the entire time completely silent tilted his head to the side and smiled proudly. “I am the father.” Your aunt giggled and turned to the lord Black. “See? He admitted that.” Lord Black sighed and nodded. “I should have taken Y/N away from you all these years ago, she would have not suffered with me.” The aunt’s eyebrows furrowed. “It is not my fault that she’s s slut. She shouldn’t have gone to bed with that man-“ She was mad but you could not take it. Not when you knew all she was saying was not the truth. “No!” You screamed which surprised everyone in the room but your aunt did not hesitate and walked towards you slapping you right across the cheek. She forgot she had a ring on her finger which caused your skin to tear a little near your lips and a little cut was filled with the blood.

You could hear a jar hitting the table loudly from behind you after the harsh slap. It surprised the lord and he backed away from Jungkook who placed his hand on the table and stared at your aunt. His cold deep voice caused you to run your hand down to your stomach. “Madam, I believe you are behaving more than inappropriate. You act like a savage, if you were a man, I would ask you to repay for what you just did. You touched something that belongs to me.” He was mad and you knew it. After that one night, you knew what you could do and could not, but your aunt did not know as much. “It will be better if Y/N went to the bed. She is tired and confused.” You were relieved that you might finally go since Jungkook said that he was the father and he wanted you to go. You stood up, passing by your aunt ready to leave the room but your aunt changed the plans. “No! She will stay here since she caused all of this! I kept on telling her that her body is the art of the devil. No normal woman would cause this trouble. Just look at her body.” She grabbed your dress and with a swift pull she ripped them apart letting the material fall to your feet.

Jungkook who was sitting the whole time stood up so quickly it caused the chair to fall. With fast steps, he walked towards the opposite side of the room. Your aunt got scared when she looked at him, she remembered that she always called you a slut and witch, but this man was Lucifer. She tried to put oh her hand to protect herself but Jungkook swiftly pulled down his cloak ignoring her. The captain wrapped the material around your body after seeing you wrap your arms around yourself to cover the nakedness. You felt the heaviness of his cloak which was soaked due to the heavy rain. You were shaking but not because of the coldness but because he was so close. Him being close scared you more than anything else in this world. “Enough,” Jungkook said coldly. “This woman has my child and I am responsible for everything. I will not return home right away but will stay here for a bit more. I will look for the house for her and for the stuff that will serve there. I will provide everything for Y/N.” He turned away from you looking at your aunt. “I wanted this to be my last voyage, but I will return once a year to provide for her and my child.” He walked towards the aunt and frowned. “I have to do that because she cannot stay with her abusive family anymore. I am worried they might hurt my child too. I am warning you madam, do not touch the girl while she is in your care, or you will regret it.” Then Jungkook’s sight when to the older male in the room and sighed. “I am done here, when you will need something, then find me on my ship.“ With that Jungkook walked out of the room. As he passed you by you noticed his handsome face that was frowning and realised there he did not talk about the marriage. He said that he would take care of you and your child but never mentioned the word marriage. He will make you a mistress. Just as he wanted. You froze still once you heard your aunt’s words. “Once we will be done with him, he will not act to mighty.“ You heard her giggling and lord Black’s sigh. “I hate doing what you want, madam but I have to. For Y/N. But let me tell you, you should listen to captain Jeon. He is hot-tempered. It would be better if you did not touch Y/N anymore. Not like you had any good reason to anyways.“ He looked at you once he heard your aunt. “He has no right to command me around. I will do whatever I want. I will do whatever I want to her.” Lord Black come closer to you and pat your head gently turning again towards your aunt. “You are wrong, madam. He has every right to do so. He is the father of the child and in a few hours, he is going to be Y/N’s husband.“

The gentle sun rays came through the windows that still had residue raindrops of last night’s rain and touched your face. You covered your face with the right arm and turned to the side groaning. You covered your head with the blanket and tried to continue dreaming about your father and mother who were smiling.  You knew you were awake and were not happy about it but you uncovered your face and inhaled the fresh air that came through the window. For the first time in a long time, you did not feel morning sickness and it honestly surprised you. You sat up opening your eyes wide. You realised where you were and looked to the side to see Jungkook’s cloak on the arm of the chair. “Idiot,“ you mumbled remembering last night’s event where you met him once again. “He thinks, that he can just buy me a home and keep me there as a mistress. I’d rather chose to give birth to my son as a prostitute than being his …well whatever.“ You said to yourself, thinking about Jungkook and his plan. I am sure he is thinking of how he is going to take me to his bed again. He for sure thinks that I will be glad for everything and I will let him do anything he wants. But he is wrong! You huffed and hit the innocent blanket then pushed it away. If he thinks that I will let him touch me he is wrong. I will not let him see his child grow inside me. The anger was speaking but even more the fear. You were scared that he would not be gentle and might hurt a little baby inside you. He wanted to take you as a mistress saying that he would treat you nicely, but you were sure if by any chance they will make him marry you, he would hate you. He would be angry and he would take you right there, even if it would be in the middle of the room.

Soon you could hear the soft knock on the door and because you did not want to wear his cloak, you pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped yourself into it. With that, you walked towards the door and opened them. You saw an older woman standing in front of you. “Hello miss, I am Ms Moon,” with a smile she introduced herself and made her way inside the room. When you were about to close the door, she pointed at the door. “these girls are going to help you with anything you need.” Suddenly a few girls bowed to you that you did not notice before. “We came here because lord Black asked us to help you with the wedding.” You weren’t sure if you heard her correctly. Wedding? You felt a stinging pain in your heart and you had to hold the door handle tighter to support yourself. The fear came back and you tried your best not to show Ms Moon how scared you were. Your legs were shaking, but she did not notice it. Instead, she looked around the room not looking at you and asked happily. “Have you eaten already, my dear?” She turned to you waiting for the answer. A little “No,” escaped your lips. You walked towards the closest chair and sat down on it, not knowing if you would be able to stand any longer. The older woman did not notice your pale face and decided to make your bed while explaining to you. “Don’t worry then, I will send one of the girls to get you something for breakfast. We cannot let you be hungry during the most important moment of your life.“ Your expression was blank. You knew what was happening but did not want to accept reality. You covered your face with both hands and rubbed them frustrated. “When is the wedding?” She turned to you confused wondering why did you not know about your own wedding. “In the afternoon,” She smiled and realised they may have wanted to surprise you. How foolish of the woman but after all, not everyone had to know the real reason behind your quick marriage.  You sighed and nodded. “I think they did not want to tell you exactly when because they want to surprise you. I bet your groom is eager to marry you. You are so beautiful, my dear.” She giggled but you did not listen to her. Your only thoughts went to the man you feared and how soon you will be laying in his bed again. How you are going to feel his breath on your lips and his hands on your body. Even though you were scared, the thoughts brought a blush to your cheeks at the imagination. He won’t be gentle. he won’t care if he hurts me. Nervously you stood up and walked to the window. When you realised you caused the tension in the room, you bit your lower lip trying to calm yourself. You wished there would be more time before it actually happens but here you are, just a few hours before the wedding ceremony.

It was lunchtime when the maids brought to you your last meal as a single woman. You were pretending to be hungry and took bites of the bread and kept throwing other things to the stay dog that was on the street through the window. When they took the dishes away and started brushing your hair, Ms Moon came closer and sprayed you with perfume. “I know you are beautiful, but either way this perfume will make your husband want you even more.“ She winked at you took out the white dress wife of lord Black sent you. You looked at the beautiful dress sighing. It was beautiful and if there would be another occasion, you would be happy to wear it. You would feel like in a fairytale in that kind of dress, but this is not the fairytale and you were not even hoping for a happy ending. They finished putting on your clothes and you did not even realise they were done until you heard the older lady gasping. “There is no prettier woman than you, my dear.” You were apathetic. You did not care how you looked like since you know what is going to happen to this dress. It is going to be ripped apart once I walk into the same room as my soon-to-be husband.

You turned to the door once you heard a knock and nodded to the maid letting her know that she could open them. Your aunt walked in and smirked when she saw you. “I see that you are all dressed up. I bet you are thinking how beautiful you look, am I right? But honestly, you don’t look any better than you looked like in my dress. Still like trash!” Ms Moon who was smiling at first frowned and stood in front of you. “Excuse me, madam, but I believe what you are saying is highly inappropriate. I have never seen a more beautiful girl, than Y/N.” Your aunt tilted the head to the side raising her eyebrows and replied. “She is the devil’s daughter. Her beauty is his work and no man that will see her will find peace. She only brings disaster. The man she is marrying is the devil just like herself!“ She spat the last sentence and Ms Moon held your hand squeezing it. “This girl is an angel” You were honestly glad that someone thought of you like that but when your aunt opened her mouth again, you froze. “Angel?! I bet you do not know the real reason why she is getting married so quickly!” She was about to continue but Ms Moon interrupted her. “Because her husband wants her to be his as soon as possible. That is why!”  Your aunt was ready to tell her the truth but stopped. You wondered if it was because she did not want to embarrass herself or because of the fear she felt thanks to Jeon Jungkook’s aura. The aunt inhaled as if to try to calm down and smiled fakely. “I have to admit, I will be happy once you are gone out of my life.” She spat looking at you. “Taking care of you was no pleasure.” You backed away after she hit you with hateful words. You did not expect that even though you knew she was always harsh. The tears in your eyes caused you to turn to the window once again. You did not want her to see how much the words hurt you. For the last ten years, you did not feel any love from your family. You wanted to feel it but was okay with no affection. Now all you wanted was love for your unborn child, but you were also worried Jungkook would not love him. You did not want your child to hate you just because you forced his father to marry you. You wished for your little baby to always love you. You were worried you would not be loved again in your life. You closed your eyes tightly preventing the tears to fall down and your hand slid down to your belly. You wanted to protect the little one growing inside even if it meant throwing yourself away. “It is the time, my dear.”  Ms Mood said smiling but there was also a hit of worry in her eyes. She was sure you were going to better hands than your aunt’s but it still did not sit right with her. She shook her head wanting to throw away the useless thought and pat your shoulder. “Come on, my dear. Your beloved awaits. Let's not keep him waiting anymore.”

“You look wonderful,” whispered the older woman who you met just in the morning and you slowly nodded thanking her. She did the last touches on your hair and moved the diadem on your head a bit to the side so it would look right from all the sides. “Like a queen.” She pinched your right cheek and smiled which you reciprocated. The music changed to the traditional ceremonial and your heartbeat got suddenly faster. “Is he inside, already?” you asked softly not wanting to look inside the church. “Who? Your soon-to-be husband?” She laughed and continued. “He is waiting for you inside. I think he is ready to marry you. Well, who wouldn’t be?” She asked not expecting the answer. She looked at you with a motherly look and sighed. “Y/N, listen to me.” She said not wanting to sound too serious. “Everything will be alright. He loves you, otherwise, he would not marry you. You don’t have to worry too much. Calm down and go find your happiness.” Her words were encouraging but she did not know the whole truth. She did not know that he raped you and that you were expecting his child. She also did not know that the made him marry you. She did not know anything, but her words calmed you down a little. “And let me tell you, he is handsome. If I were younger, I would have stolen him from you.” She winked at you and you smiled. She turned to the door and pushed you softly forward. You knew it was the time.

When you walked inside the church, lord Black lent you his arm to hold onto as a replacement for your father. You did not look at him, because your eyes were locked with Jungkook’s burning dark gaze. He looked wonderful. The satin dark green suit went well with his dark eyes. You bit your lower lip as you walked closer. When you finally stood next to him, you felt so little compared to Jungkook. At that moment no one looked taller than him. The light from the candle was showing up on his face that was frowning the entire time. He looked so cold and you tried your best not to run away from there. Nervously you clenched your teeth and quickly looked away from him. You found comfort in the priest’s face who smiled at both of you and nodded. The ceremony did not take a long time as usual but instead, the priest asked the most important question a few minutes after everything began. Jungkook was the first to answer, but hearing his cold voice sent shivers down your spine. “I, Jeon Jungkook, take you Y/N Y/L/N, to be my lawfully wedded wife…“ You could not hear him finishing the sentence, thinking about his face and the tone of his voice. He really must hate me for what they did. For what I did. When you realised the was a silence you widened your eyes knowing it was your turn to repeat Jungkook’s words. You did so quietly as if not wanting others to hear it. Jungkook took your hand into his and put a ring on your finger. With that, both of you turned to the priest and bowed down to show respect. When you both turned to each other, Jungkook looked into your eyes still holding your hand. He whispered#. “I think it is the tradition for a husband to kiss his wife,“ you nodded a little agreeing with the statement. You looked away, not wanting to look at him. Your heart beat rapidly and even though others could see it because it was slightly showing on the dress how nervous you and your heart were. With long fingers, Jungkook pulled you closer to him and placed his hand on your jaw squeezing it a bit, to hold you in place. The other hand sneaked behind your head and then he pulled you into his embrace. He held you so close as if wanting to show others that you were his. That he now owned you. The colour of your face disappeared and you opened your eyes wide. His arms felt like burning steel when he pulled you close. He leaned down to your face and opened his lips. You inhaled and he connected your lips in a heated kiss. It was the same kind of kiss as he gave you on his ship. It was full of passion, lust and need. You could feel the eyes of other people on you, but Jungkook did not seem like he really minded that. When you pushed him away from you blushing looking at the others, Jungkook smirked and tilted his head to the side licking his lips. Finally mine, little one.

Part 7

a/n: So they are married. Geezzz, looks like there is no way to run away now. Anyways, I have a question for you guys. Do you want me to post longer chapters but only once a week or three shorter ones  a week? ♥ Please let me know! 

[suchalonelysunflower]

Searching Clearer Skies

Where The Storm Gathers - Chapter 1

Pairing: Stable Lad! Calum Hood x Princess! Reader

Summary: Safe and sound at the Crimson Islands, Y/N and Calum adjust to their new life

Warnings: Mentions of abuse. Violence. Blood. Murder. Guilt. Language. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 8K

Author’s Note: My babes are here! I would love to know your thoughts for this 🥺Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and likes are super important and they help me a lot 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨

My materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

Book 2 Materialist || Prologue

The whinny of the horse echoed throughout the woods as the horseshoes crashed against the mud, slipping a few times on its steps but still standing tall as the race continued, encouraged by its rider.

The storm was strong and merciless, dark clouds hovering over the sky crashing one against the other and creating thunders that lasted for more than a minute. The winds whistled threats as the raindrops soaked the ground violently, flooding the path. One wrong move and everything could be lost for those who wander under this storm, but only madmen are capable of doing it.

But Calum was not a madman, he was desperate. His heart beat fast as he hunched over the horse, commanding him to go faster and faster into the darkness. His clothes were soaked and his eyelashes were glued together due to the raindrops that cut through his body like a knife, making it impossible for him to see past the head of the horse.

Lightning crashed, the thunder roared and still, they weren’t as loud as his voice calling his beloved’s name.

He went wherever his heart would tell him to, no second-guessing as he jumped over the fallen carcass of trees that were hit by the wild winds that were blowing, but his determination allowed him to stay put, never once failing to catch himself back in the moment, running faster and faster hoping to get there in time.

“Y/N!” He shouted above the thunder, commanding the horse to take a sharp left as a flash of lightning came crashing down near them.

How did they end up there? So far away and without each other. What made them torn apart? Yet, none of those questions could be answered right now. There was no point to them. Not when she was gone and he couldn’t find her.

The woods seem to expand with every gallop, just a sea of darkness in front of him, an endless void of a starless night, and an unreachable ending as his hopes were starting to falter.

“Y/N!” He cried, voice already hoarse and strained. The strings of his heart almost breaking to the point of feeling nothing but pain every time silence would answer him “Y/N!”

“Calum!”

It was faint, almost inaudible over the rain. Anyone could think that it was just a simple and cruel trick of the mind. But only Calum could recognize that voice anywhere; it was his love and she was in danger.

“Calum!”

She called again, but from where? The echo made it seem like she was everywhere and nowhere at once. Almost as if she was some kind of bird in which his name was cursed to be her calling, always chasing but never catching it.

“Y/N! Where are you?!”

He ran, as far as the horse’s legs would let him as he encouraged the animal to go even faster as they went against the storm walking right into it as he kept calling her name. Knowing that even if she was in the middle of a hurricane, he would never stop until he found her.

“You’re running out of time, boy” A sinister voice accompanied by her cries mixed with the thunder echoed through the woods, but for Calum, it felt almost as if they were whispered in his ear.

The stable lad tightened his grip on the reins and commanded the stallion to go faster “Y/N!”

But he hears nothing but cries. Earth Shattering screams bleed into his head, suffocating him as he cried for her, praying to every deity that was still loyal to them that she would be okay.

“Calum!” It seemed so far, but so close at the same time “Calum!” So he kept going.

Trees would fall; lightning would scatter and the thunder roared, and he ignored all of them. He just needed to get to her even if the world around him seemed to fade into nothingness.

Y/N’s screams seemed to get louder and louder until suddenly, they disappeared.

Calum pulled on the reins, making everything but the rain stop. His heavy breathing was ringing in his ears as he looked around, wondering where she went. But it wasn’t until a ray of lightning hit the ground that he saw her.

She was standing at the edge of a cliff with a tear-stained face, looking straight at him but not moving an inch. Her hair clung to her face as the rain-soaked her entire figure, making her white dress become nothing but a rag.

“Cal…” She whispered, but he still heard it loud and clear.

He jumped off the horse the moment he saw her, an immense sense of relief and happiness came over him as he started to run, calling out for her as the moon calls her stars.

But then, he saw it. A silver light shine pressed against her neck; only a glimpse, only a second, but enough to make him stop in his tracks, just a few meters far from her.

“Glad to know that you have some common sense, boy” The sinister voice called again, but this time Calum knew exactly who it was.

As quick as a bolt of lightning, King Richard made his appearance, wrapping a leather-gloved hand over Y/N’s throat, making her head fall back onto his shoulders as he squeezed just enough to make tears spill from her face.

A condescending, pleased smirk came to his face, watching with red-blooded eyes how she succumbed to his strength. Then, he slowly turned to Calum, showing all of his teeth in a wicked smile.

“So glad you could make it,” He said, pressing the tip of the knife into her skin “I was starting to think you would never find us, and what’s the fun in that?”

“Let her go” Calum nearly growled, taking a step closer to them but stopping the moment Richard pressed the knife harder, drawing a drop of blood from her neck.

Richard smiled “You’re smart. Good At least I know my daughter has a bit of sense when it comes to her choosing a partner” He sneered

“Let. Her. Go” Calum repeated, clenching his fists at his sides and with his heart beating as fast as the rainfall “She’s got nothing to do with this”

“She has everything to do with this!” Richard barked, moving the grip from her neck into her arms and digging his fingers into her skin, leaving marks that might stay there for days.

“Father, please-” Y/N begged in between coughs for air “Leave him be”

“Oh, I will dear. But I must teach this boy a lesson first”

Calum set his desperate eyes on her, unable to hide the fear in them as he watched how she tried to regain her breathing without any sudden moves that could get her closer to the knife.

“Y/N-”

“Cal, please go” She begged, pressing her lips into a thin line to try and drown the pain and the fear “He can’t hurt you here”

He shook his head “I’m not leaving without you”

“How touching”

Calum’s eyes became hard as stone as he turned to the King, standing straighter despite the rain’s attempt to bring him down with them.

“Leave her alone,” He said coldly, taking one step closer “Or I promise you, your head will roll down that cliff with the scum where you belong”

The King just laughed hysterically, closing his eyes as he shook his head slowly “You really think you can threaten me? Me?! I am your King!”

“Calum…”

“You are nothing but a fake! A coward who hides behind his daughter’s body. If you’re so valiant, come and face me like a man”

Richard smiled, almost as if he was waiting for it.

“Oh, Calum, Calum… That’s where you’re wrong” He said, eyes darkening as his smile widened “I’m not a man. I’m a King”

And all that Calum could hear afterward was the sound of the knife slashing her throat.

*

He jolted awake with beams of sweat running down his forehead, his whole body was drenched in sweat which made him think he was back in the woods. But Calum wouldn’t, Calum couldn’t because the woods were at home in RoseWood and there were no woods in the Isles.

His brown eyes quickly landed on his side, finally being able to breathe with some sort of relief the moment he saw her sleeping there: His wife.

Y/N had her face pressed into the pillow, shifting slightly and mumbling something in her dream when his hand came to brush some of her hair that had fallen into her face, covering her beauty from him. Calum watched her sleep for a few minutes, thanking every god there is for allowing him to live this moment, even if it was just for a few more hours before they have to wake up. He just wished she could sleep peacefully tonight, no nightmares.

Outside the window it was still raining, it hasn’t stopped since they came here almost six months ago. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw the sun, but he knew he always felt warm with her by his side. And she was by his side, and that was the most important thing. She was there with him, alive and well and still in love with him. He could go a lifetime without sunshine if it meant to keep her safe.

Thunders were roaring and he was thankful that Y/N was a heavy sleeper, he even was a little jealous because he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep again. He never does after those kinds of nightmares.

The memory of that afternoon in the woods still haunts him. The screams the Princess let out when she begged her father for mercy still live in his head, reminding him that this was all his fault. He could still hear her call his name; feel her cling into his aching body on the damped, humid cells of the dungeon; and, even if she won’t admit it, he still remembers the sadness in her eyes when they had to leave home because “home” was not safe enough. And he can’t help but to feel guilty.

Calum rose from their bed, wiping a damped cloth over his face as he walked up to the window, hoping that the rain could wash out his fears and bring him back to the present. He leaned over, pressing his forearm to the glass as he watched the clouds crash against one another, counting the seconds after the lightning to hear its sounds.

He doesn’t know how much time he stayed there, maybe a few minutes, maybe hours. What he knows is that he could never truly relax until he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, smiling when he noticed a gold wedding band adorning one of the fingers.

“It’s cold without you there” She mumbled, pressing her cheek against his back.

“I know, I’m sorry,” He said, placing his hands on top of hers.

“Hmm, you knew and you still left” Y/N reprimanded, making him chuckle as he lifted her hand and placed a soft kiss on her palm “It was another nightmare, wasn’t it?”

“It’s always the same, at least the ending is”

“You could talk to me, you know? Maybe it could help” She offered, slipping into his arms and ending up in front of him, doe eyes looking straight at him “I hate to see you so caught up in there,” Her hands flew to either side of his face, cupping it delicately “Just let me in, let me help you”

Calum smiled softly “You’re too kind, my rose. But this is not a burden I’d want you to carry. It is only mine to bear”

“It doesn’t have to be,” She said. “You’ve helped me carry my burden for years, creating a safe space with you while my nightmare was just beginning. You’ve helped me so much, Cal. Why can’t you let me do the same?”

“Because I’m selfish,” He smiled “And besides, now it’s not a time to talk about nightmares”

“Why?”

“Cause the sun’s coming up”

Y/N gasped and turned around, but was only met with cloudy skies and a light drizzle. Then, she turned around with a frown only to find Calum trying not to smile.

“That’s not funny,” She said, punching him lightly on the chest. “Besides, how do you know it’s morning already? You can’t see anything past those clouds and the fog”

“Take the word from a man who worked his whole life on a field” He laughed, placing one hand at either side of her waist and pulling her closer “And you also look gorgeous in the morning”

Y/N hummed as he kissed her forehead “Didn’t my husband say I look gorgeous every single time of day?”

“Did he?” Calum asked, placing kisses all over her cheeks and down to her jaw and neck “Must be a very observant and smart man”

“Yes,” She let out a breathy giggle, tangling her hands at the back of his head. “But don’t tell him, or his ego would be unstoppable…” She sighed when his lips met the spot behind her ear, curling her fingers but finding nothing to hold on to “God, I miss your curls”

“They’ll grow back” He whispered in her ear, biting it slightly as his hands traveled to the back of her thighs, picking her up with ease without ever stopping the work of his mouth on her skin.

“Cal…” She breathed, “Take me to bed”

“As you wish”

He pulled away just in time for her hand to cup his cheek, bringing him closer as their lips met, carefully savoring their moment as he carried her to bed.

*

Life at the Isles was nothing like in RoseWood, that was for sure.

Thanks to Ashton, Y/N could keep her title as The Princess of Roses, yet the benefits she used to hold at her birthplace did not follow. Here, she was just another member of King Alex’s court and so was Calum and although it was not what they were used to, they managed to adapt pretty quickly.

Early in the mornings, all members of the court were expected to stand in the throne room to receive the King and Queen and discuss what’s been going on with the Kingdom; after that, Y/N and Calum went their separate ways.

The ladies of the court were free to choose any activity or class of their liking, something foreigner to the Princess who's been told all her life what she should do. While the men of the court were sent to train or to their own business to negotiate trades with other kingdoms. When they arrived, Calum offered his service as a Stable Lad, yet that position was already taken and King Alex thought he might work better as an apprentice of the Welder, hence the ring on his wife’s finger and his matching one on his left hand, made out of just for her by his own hands.

Still, life at the Isles was pretty lonely. Words travel fast, especially when a runaway Princess and her new not-Royal husband escape their Kingdom a day before her wedding to a powerful King. And while King Alex was very aware of the situation, the other members of the court had their own ideas, and so, rumors started to spread.

But neither Calum nor Y/N paid much attention to them. They knew their story, they knew what they went through. So the words of strangers did not damage them but made them stronger, ready to prove them wrong when they were underestimated. And, after all, they had each other and they were safe, that was the only thing that mattered to them.

“Do you think he’ll notice we were late?” Y/N asked as she hurried her steps through the stone-floored hallway

“There is still time,” Calum assured her “Although we might not make it to our places in time”

“And surely Lady Johana will have something to say about it” She rolled her eyes “I can’t believe you convinced me to stay in bed a little longer than we’re used to”

Calum chuckled “It’s not like you needed much convincing anyway, Rose. After all, dear wife, who was the one that couldn’t keep her hands off-“

“Say another word and I’ll tell Lord Gillian how interested you are in learning ancient geology” She challenged with a smile, the same one she held every time she playfully threatened him since they were children.

Calum just rolled his eyes and grabbed Y/N by the waist, sweeping her off her feet and pulling her closer to him as she squealed, trying to get away from his grasp as he started to tickle her.

“Cal! Noooo” She tried to hold her laughter as he hid his face on her neck, putting her down and wrapping his arms around her waist, holding her closer “You’re a menace”

“Yet, you still chose to marry me” He kissed her cheek “So I’m your menace, no one else’s”

“Hmm, you better” She pecked his lips “But my menace of a husband is going to make us late”

Y/N slid from his grasp, grabbing his hand and pulling him with her as they made their way to the throne room and take the small space in the corner, earning a few glances from the not-so-friendly members of the court.

King Alex’s throne room was not as big as the one in RoseWood, nor as brightly lit. But it was enough to hold all 30 members of the court, the monarchs, their pets, and a few servants who always stayed put in case they were needed.

All members of the court stood in a semi-circle around the two throne chairs, all of them with an assigned space where they would wait until the King or Queen asked them something, or until the meeting was over.

It was weird for the couple to see such order and respect for each individual, given that Y/N’s father was not one to take advice from people and just act out of his own thoughts and ideas, no matter how cruel or crazy they might be. But King Alex was always fair, a bit eccentric and sometimes narcissistic, but always fair and respectful towards others; not to mention a good friend for the RoseWood’s Prince, taking Y/N and Calum in and promising them nothing but safety in his realm.

He was a respected man, a noble, humble King that carried no weapons in his court because his trust was always in his friends. Yet, today when the servants opened the door for him and the Queen, it was the frown set upon his face that made all conversations die as he made his way to his throne.

King Alex’s eyes surveyed the room, biting the inside of his cheek lightly as he laid his eyes on the RoseWood bound couple before sitting down.

“Sir Steriff!” The King called, making everyone in the room shake at the sudden boom of his voice.

“Y-yes, your Majesty?” Poor Sir Cleamont Steriff stuttered, but King Alex just rolled his eyes.

“How’s the situation down at the bay? Sources say that there’s a clear decline in the production”

The questions were not as serious or as important as his voice made them out to be. Y/N could recognize that tone of hidden anger, it was the same tone her father used when he had to speak to her in a public setting, and the same one Ashton used when something about his royal duties as an heir bothered him. She knew Calum could recognize that too, so when her eyes met his she found the same comforting look he used to give her, as well as a tug on her hand for reassurance.

It was in the small moments where Y/N found herself back in RoseWood; a simple whisper or ill-intentioned look brought back the memory of her father; the sound of crystal shattering or the sound of a whip or a slap; even the shadows that surrounded the palace made her wary of what may hide inside them, wondering if there could ever be free of the crows and her father’s power over her.

Because even when they were kingdoms away, a father’s harm can still hurt and the memories may never be forgotten as long as they shall live, but they’ll live differently in a separate perspective where one is a villain and the other one is smiling over that fact. Y/N was still learning to live with that darkness, make it part of herself so she could let go and grow with it and never let it win.

Luckily for her, Calum was willing to do anything and everything to make sure that she was safe in every single sense of the word. For Calum has had his own share of darkness, the moments that haunt him at night even though the proof of their victory is still the beating of their hearts. It was the demons they had to face, but they would never do it on their own, not as long as their hands are intertwined and their love lives in their hearts.

“I would like to request an audience with Princess Y/N and Sir Hood” Alex’s voice made them go back to reality, feeling all eyes on them as they solemnly nod and bow “Alone. You are all dismissed”

The whispers were louder this time. A handful of eyes looking in their direction going from pitiful to curious to confused. The King rarely asked for private audiences, so no one really knew if they should feel grateful or jealous at the couple’s fate.

Once the room got cleared out except for The King and Queen, a few servants, and Calum and Y/N, King Alex finally let out a sigh, leaning his back against the throne and pinching the skin right between his eyes.

“Your Majesty,” The two of them said in unison as they approached the throne, bowing.

“Rise,” King Alex commanded. “I assume the two of you would not hide something from me after I gave you shelter under my kingdom, correct?”

“Yes, Your Majesty” Calum answered, not even batting an eye “We could never hide something from you”

“You’ve been so good to us,” Y/N added, a kind smile playing on her lips as she looked between the monarchs “We owe you two so much for all your kindness and understanding. We might never be able to repay it”

“There is no need for a settlement of debt” The Queen smiled, placing her hand over her husband’s “And we have no doubts about your intentions in our kingdom, knowing how difficult it was for you to get out of RoseWood. But-”

“But there’s been some unsettling news that traveled all the way overseas” The King finished “And any information you have about it would be useful for us”

“If we can ease Your Majesty’s mind with something, then we’ll do our best for it to be so,” Calum said with a nod, standing straighter and looking directly at the King so he knew he wasn’t lying.

“There is a rumor running around,” The King of the Isles said gravely “That the King of Roses has an army ready for battle and that he wants to go to war with all the nearby Kingdoms who oppose him”

Y/N’s breath hitched in her throat “It can’t be”

“It is said that other kingdoms have started to revoke their promises to RoseWood until a true leader comes along and that Richard is not happy about it. Would you happen to know anything that could confirm or deny this rumor?”

“I’m afraid we possess no such information, Your Majesty” Calum said, practically ripping the words out of Y/N's Mouth even though she was too frightened to even speak “The last time we heard news about King Richard was that he lost all support from The Vail when King Luke swore allegiance to his son, Prince Ashton. Maybe the other kingdoms got winds about the deal and did the same”

“And my father does not have an army,” Y/N added, hands shaking at the memories “He offered to marry me to King Luke to gain the most powerful army with the warriors of The Vail since RoseWood’s soldiers could not face so many kingdoms at once. The last news we got was from one of King Luke’s letters saying that my father was in shambles when it came to political power, and do believe me Your Majesty when I say that King Richard is not a strong man to pick himself up on his own”

King Alex’s hummed, seemingly pleased with the answers “I know your loyalties lie with the right side of the story,” He said, making the two of them let out a breath of relief “But truth is that you’ve been away from home for far too long to know if things have indeed changed in the months you’ve been here in Crimson Isles. Say, Your Highness, any news from our dear Prince?”

Y/N visibly tensed and her hand reached for Calum’s in an unconscious and instant move at the mention of her brother's name, the only one who’s been consuming her thoughts with worry for she didn’t know anything about him since they went away.

“I’m afraid not, Your Majesty,” She said, clearing her throat “Although I’m hopeful that by the next shipping news will come from RoseWood”

“Let us pray it’ll be that way” The Queen answered with an understanding smile ��Our dear Prince Ashton must be very busy as always, but he will not forget us”

“Captain Merrick will come in a fortnight” King Alex added “I’ll request an audience with him and with the two of you. My Lord,” He said, referring to Calum who nodded “I take your lessons are going well?”

“Yes, Your Majesty”

“And your lessons, Your Highness? Is Maester Lorcas treating you well?”

Y/N smiled with ease “I’m learning a lot from the Maester, it’s an honor to be his pupil and I’m thankful for the opportunity”

King Alex smiled as well, pleased that the two of them were content in his court “And we are grateful that you’re here and safe. Now, you may go on with your day. You’re dismissed, if anything new comes regarding King Richard, I’ll let you know”

Calum and Y/N thanked the King and Queen with a bow before exiting the throne room. They walked a few meters, making sure no one was following them when Calum pulled her to a secluded hallway, finally letting out their worried breaths as they stood one in front of the other.

“Calum…” She said, eyes wide open with a threat of tears gathering at the corners.

“It’s okay, Rose,” He said, cupping her cheek with his palm, masking his own worry. “It’s just a rumor. We both know your father cannot do much with Asthon there, and even if he sent him to another political trip, the army is not strong, not under his command”

He was trying to be reasonable. RoseWood’s army was good and it could manage in a battle. Yet, with King Richard on the throne the administration of it never really progressed into anything else than a simple guard. They were not equipped for war and it seemed rather impossible for them to become a force to be reckoned with in less than a year.

“But we don’t know where Ashton is!” Y/N whispered, trying to bite her tongue almost as if the blood that might drop from it might keep her grounded “Calum, it’s been months since his last letter and I know my brother. I know he won’t break his promise to write to us; to me. And I can’t shake this feeling that maybe-”

“If anything were to happen we would already be informed” Calum tilted her head so she could look him in the eyes “I’m not disregarding your feelings, my love. But we also try not to draw conclusions too quickly. The weather here might’ve delayed any letters and if Captain Merrick is on his way he might bring news from him. We must remain hopeful, Ashton will be fine”

The stable lad pulled her close, placing a small kiss on her forehead as he felt her shoulders relax into the embrace.

“Do you want me to walk you to the laboratory?” He asked with a small smile, running his hands up and down her arms. Y/N shook her head.

“I’ll be fine, my love, thank you. Thank you for everything”

Calum smiled, cupping her face one more time as he took her in. All of her and her beautiful eyes looking at him, filled with love and comfort, he knew he was right where he was meant to be just by looking into those eyes.

“I love you, my little rose”

“I love you more”

*

The color of the liquid changed from yellow to green inside the little pot as it started to boil, making the Maester gasp as Y/N smiled proudly at her mixture.

“Your Highness! That’s a perfect ointment there!” The old man said, practically jumping with joy as he mixed the spoon with the now gooey product “And on your first try! May the gods bless those hands, Princess. You’re a natural!”

A small scoff was heard around the room, undoubtedly coming from one of the other ladies from the court that also chose to learn more about medicine. Yet, Y/N kept her head held high, as a Princess she was raised to bow to no one that didn’t deserve her respect and she was not going to let some ill-intended comments get to her, not after everything she had to endure from people that were meant to love her.

But that didn’t mean Maester Lorcas would keep the same composure.

“Lady Gillian,” He said, raising one of his white, bushy brows “Care to share with the class what this ointment does? From what I see, you still haven’t finished yours”

Lady Gillian gasped as her cheeks turned beat red, mumbling under her breath: “I did finish mine”

Maester Lorcas hummed with disdain “Can anyone else tell me what is that you’re doing right now? Why is important? Anyone?”

Y/N raised her hand “The ointment is mostly used to treat scars; one needs to scatter it across the damaged tissue every six hours and let it rest on the patient’s sink. If treated immediately, it could potentially erase the scar and prevent further damage and infections. It also works to erase any dark spots of the skin if accompanied by other treatments”

The old Maester smiled and laughed joyfully at her answer “See?!” He asked the other ladies “That’s what happens when you pay attention instead of talking about the latest gossip that everyone already knows on this small Island. You learn. Good job, Your Highness, as usual”

“Just because she’s a princess doesn’t mean she gets special treatment” One of the other ladies scoffed under her breath. Y/N only rolled her eyes and went back to her mixture “She had the perfect life anyway”

“Maybe if you stop whispering about her as if she wasn’t in the same room, you’ll be able to do something more than to waste everyone’s time,” Y/N said, not even turning around as she added a bit more chamomile seeds “I was raised to see honor and value in everything except on empty words and ill thoughts, and to respect every soul as an equal, no matter their background, something that you all lack. But maybe it’s a Princess’ thing and you wouldn’t know about that” She said, finally turning around with an unreadable face “Feel free to keep talking, it’s your right. But it is going to take more than that to try and hurt me. And maybe I could take it more seriously if you say it to my face”

The ladies all snickered and scoffed, lifting their noses and going back to their own pots as they tried and failed to get the recipe right. Y/N turned around, sending a complicit look to the Maester who stood and watched with a proud smile at how those nasty women were put back in their places with such grace.

Still, Y/N could not share the same joy as she sighed, going back to her work without saying another word.

She knew that life at the Isles would be a hard adjustment, but she was doing a great job considering the rumors that surrounded her. From the very first day in court whispers about how she was a runaway bride, breaking a powerful King’s heart as she decided to flee with her secret lover from a much lower social class. Others said she was bewitched; others that she was some kind of witch herself. No one knew about the hell she went through or the pain inside her heart at having to leave her hometown and the only family she loved behind.

Yes, she always dreamt of flying away from home, finding new horizons with Calum by her side. Find the home she never had on RoseWood, to begin with. But the guilt of leaving her beloved brother behind after knowing what her father was capable of; the pain of leaving behind all her mother’s memories; and the undying feeling of knowing something was wrong consumed her every day, wishing she could have more time to say goodbye to the place that saw her become the person she was today, maybe one last goodbye to the tree that saw her love bloom or one last trip to the square town, promising to go back one day when the skies were clearer and the danger was far gone.

She knew that time would come eventually, but without any news from Ashton, those hopes seemed farther and farther away.

“Your Highness?” Maester Lorcas asked, bringing her back from her thoughts “May I have a word?”

Only then did Y/N notice that the lesson was over and they were the only ones in the old lab.

“I must say, Princess, that I am very impressed,” He said, sitting on his chair with some difficulty “Are you sure you’ve never had any experience in the medical field?”

Y/N smiled, looking down as her cheeks were tinted pink “I can’t say I have, Maester. RoseWood didn’t let the royal family ever step foot into the infirmary unless it was an emergency. Fearing we might get sick”

Maester Lorcas laughed, raising his brows “Say, I never took you for one to follow the rules”

“Certainly not,” She laughed as well. “There were… situations in which I had to fend for myself to get an ointment or two without anyone noticing. My husband used to help me get them after I told them which one would be useful and effective, taking the information I stole from the Maesters at the palace”

“Must be a loyal one, that husband of yours”

“I wouldn’t be here without him,” She said, smiling at the memory of Calum helping her heal the wounds her father would give her, stealing from the town’s Maester or directly from the palace with the empty promise of it being the last time he would have to see her in pain because “it won’t happen again, you’ll see” until it happened again “Still, I was always interested in healing. So when King Alex so kindly offered to take these classes, I knew I couldn’t say no and prevent myself from so much knowledge”

“And let’s pray you might never have to use this knowledge if you come back home”

Those words seemed to spark something in her as she raised her gaze to the old Maester who looked at her with crystalized eyes and a knowing, merciful and understanding smile. Almost as if he could see the scars and old bruises that still covered her body. Still, he said nothing and Y/N was thankful for that.

“It’s an honor to have you as a student, Your Highness,” He said “For what its worth, I am glad that you came here”

Y/N pressed her lips in a thin line, nodding lightly before bowing and leaving the room. Feeling somehow validated by a stranger, finally someone she could trust.

*

The evening rain was stronger than this morning’s, still, that didn’t stop Calum from training, nothing did.

He swung the sword with such ease, cutting through the rain in synchronized moves; placing his feet where they were supposed to be; his breathing calm and collected as he raised his elbow to the level of his eyes, ready to strike again against the invisible evil that stood in front of him.

Grunts due to the effort escaped his lips as the rain fell on top of his buzz-shaved head, soaking him completely and making his white shirt cling to his skin, rain, and beads of sweat mixing and falling to the ground. But Calum didn’t care about how tired he might be or who might see him fight the rain. In his head, he could still hear her screams and watch her fall to her death without him being able to do anything about it.

The vivid memory of Y/N’s screams back in the woods; her father’s laughter as he started to hit her, grabbing her by the hair and kicking her sides while she pleaded for mercy on him, pleading with tears in her eyes for his guards not to hurt the man she loved.

All he could see at that moment was her. He did not care about the guards beating him up, if anything he couldn’t feel anything anymore, not while she was in pain, and all because of him. He tried to stand up, oh how many times did he try, but all that got him was mocking laughs from the King and his guards, feeling pathetic as he couldn’t protect her.

The sword made a swoosh sound, cutting his thoughts short as he started to hit the mock doll that they had ready for training. Only a crazy person would be training under the rain; but Calum was not crazy, he was determined. Determined to get those screams out of his head.

When King Alex offered him a job as a welder apprentice he took it with the condition to also have time for training. Y/N asked him why the sudden interest in learning how to fight with a sword, but how could he even explain without bringing her more pain than the one she was already carrying?

For years he stood and watched the mistreatment she suffered at the hands of her father; the abuse and cruelty she went through. Still, she managed to smile and see the beauty in everything, carrying such compassion in her heart and the hope for things to change. He wished he could be better, just like her. And he tried when she begged him to wait for her birthday so they could finally be free… He now knows he should’ve strode into the castle that night and confronted him, consequences be damned, but at least she would’ve been safer.

His heart was beating strongly inside his chest as he closed his eyes and let his instincts guide him on his next movements, imagining that exact moment in the woods and all the things he could’ve done.

Y/N watched with a heavy heart how her husband moved under the rain, hitting the target once, twice, three times before starting again with different moves.

She ponders on how much Calum has changed since they came to the Crimson Isles. He cut his hair short, fearing someone might recognize him upon arrival and bring Richard’s rage upon them; the muscles on his back and arms were more defined, more broadly as he scheduled at least two training sessions every day without missing a single one. But it was in his eyes where she could notice the biggest change, they were still warm and full of love whenever he looked at her, but it was in the moments when he thought she wasn’t looking that got her worried; she could see the storm that was hiding in them, all the thoughts he didn’t share, the pain and cold memories that haunt him.

It was impossible to lie. For Calum, it was impossible to lie to her, even if he was just hiding the truth.

She jumped when the iron sword hit the ground, Calum was still giving his back to her as he crouched to get the bow and arrow that was lying on the ground, moving swiftly towards the Alamy that stood at the other side, shooting arrow after arrow as the muscles on his back tensed.

Her eyes gazed at the sky, getting darker as the storm was getting restless, not thinking twice as she walked towards him, letting the mud cling to her dress as the rain covered her whole.

“It’s late,” She said as Calum hit the target.

“I know,” He answered, grabbing another arrow from the quiver, not even turning around to see her “I’ll be there soon”

“Calum,”

The thunder roared above them, but neither of them even dared to flinch as the arrow hit the target once again.

There were so many things unsaid under the rain, a pang of shared guilt and an indescribable fear, so similar and yet so different at the same time.

“Calum, let’s go to bed” She insisted with a sweet but firm voice “It’s time”

“Just- I need to get this right”

“Why? We are safe here” She put a hand on his shoulder, making him visibly relax “Cal…”

“It’s okay,” He whispered with a sigh, turning to look at her through the raindrops “I’ll be up there soon, my rose. You don’t have to wait out here in the rain”

“You shouldn’t be out here in the rain, my love”

“I want to be ready”

“For what?” She sighed, shaking her head before meeting his gaze once again “Sometimes I wish I could know what you’re thinking, the things you’re not telling me for some reason”

Calum looked at the floor “I don’t think there’s anything you don’t already know, my rose”

She nodded, giving him a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes like she used to do. Then, she took a step back but stood still as her eyes never left his.

“Y/N,”

“I’m not letting you be in the rain all on your own, Cal,” She said, squinting her eyes due to the rain.

“You’re going to get sick,” The stable lad argued, but the Princess just shrugged.

“Too bad!” He was about to say something else but she cut him off “We are a team, Calum. Where you go, I go. If you get sick then so will I. You knew that before we married so don’t pretend I’ll leave without my husband”

Calum couldn’t help but smile, even though he tried, but the word “my husband” coming out of her lips still brought butterflies inside of him, reminding him of how lucky he was to be able to call her “his wife”

He knew there was no way to stop her if she wanted to stay. Y/N was never the one who took a no for an answer when her head was stuck on something so firmly, so stubborn yet so kind and loving. Calum could not love her more even if he tried, and he knew she loved him, too. So how not rejoice in that?

“What kind of husband will leave his wife standing in the rain?” He asked, taking a step closer to her.

“The worst kind, of course,” She smiled, placing her hands on his chest “But mine stays with me, so the debt is paid”

“The other husband should take notes”

“Maybe he should”

They both smiled before Calum wrapped his arm around her waist, bringing her closer as she stood on her tiptoes, brushing their lips together as they started to feel warm under the cold storm. Knowing they’ll be alright after all.

*

When the morning came so did the breeze, making Y/N shiver as she nuzzled into Calum’s chest, letting his heartbeat be the melody that will lure her back to sleep. She could feel his strong arms wrapped around her, bringing her closer as he stirred awake, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.

Their legs were tangled under the sheets, finding warmth and comfort in each other’s embrace as they didn’t say a word. There was no need to say what they already knew, what they already felt deep inside their hearts. Safe and sound as they let the morning take its time to arrive.

Still, the breeze kept blowing, getting colder each time as it blew through the sails of a ship called the Kaleidoscope where a man stood proudly with a smirk as The Crimson Isles could already be seen standing a few kilometers away.

“My Lord?” The captain of the ship called his attention “We’ll be arriving shortly, just wanted to let you know so you can get your luggage ready”

“Thank you, Captain Merrick” The man smiled, extending his hand, taking the captain to shake “You are so very kind. I’m anxious to go back to the Isles after so many years”

“You said you were traveling a lot?”

“For work, yes”

Merrick hummed, narrowing his eyes “What do you do for a living, my Lord? If you don’t mind me asking”

“Ah, I worked for several Ladies and Lords from different courts around the world” The man smiled “Some easier to work with than others”

“I see,” The captain nodded “Is that where…?” He was pointing to the scar that ran down the mysterious man’s left eye, a mark he seldom saw in travelers.

“This? Got it from an altercation at The Vail. A misunderstanding, you see, people from The Vail are… not as trustworthy as one might think”

The charming smile that man wore could convince anyone of his lies as the captain clearly believed him.

“Haven’t heard from people from The Vail in a while”

“Really?”

“Yes, the last conversation I had with someone with a connection from that place was a Princess and her new husband,” The captain said, trying to sound as vague as possible for the stranger that unbeknown to him was already aware of the story “I heard nothing but good things about their King”

“You might be surprised” The man muttered under his breath “You said you were going to King Alex’s court once we get there, is that correct?”

The captain nodded “King Alex is an old friend, and he requested an audience.”

“Would it be okay if I come along?” The man asked “I want to present my loyalty and service to the crown and I believe it would be comforting to do it in the presence of such a nice acquaintance”

“I don’t see why not. Could you remind me of your name, my Lord? That way I can let the King know we’re on our way”

“Jefferson,” The man said “Bernard Jefferson”

And just like that and with a simple but elaborated lie, the crow’s plan started to take flight.

*

*

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @conversecake @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @fivesecondsofonedirection @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @fakebetch9694 @5sos-imagine @SunflowerAngel2123 @perfectnouis @in-superbloom @lukeisstillapenguin @sadcupofcoffee @superstarmarvel @personalmuyverypersonal @cnco.angels @vtte @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @lolzkye @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @the-ghost-of-ash @alltimepogue @wontlastimokwiththat @ttinahood @lukespitinmymouth @perfectnouis @cncoangelss @darrensos @whywontyoulovemecami @itwouldburnupintheatmosphere-de @yeah-and69 @fckingpernico @multistann @averageantichrist @a-darneddarling @tpwkcth @f-mu @kindahumanbutalsoinsane @floweronyourskin @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @thestarsandtheircoffee @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @xxxlaura

[nicka-nell]

Fantasy-[AU]: Just a dream

☾ Pairing: Sawamura Daichi x reader ☾ Warning: fluff, slightly angst, mention of blood ☾ Genre: Fantasy-[AU] Werewolf ☾ Words: 3.980  ☾ This fic is part of a server collab. The masterlist can be found here

Summary: Vampires and werewolves don’t exist. But what would you do if you had a beast standing in front of you, with fangs as big as your hand? Will you believe your eyes, realize that these creatures exist and live among you? Or is it all just a dream that will give you a restless night? You have to decide.

“Damn it!” you curse loudly, realizing that you’ve overslept. In the moment, you jump out of bed, put your shoe on and throw your bag around your shoulder to run to school. On the way you try to eat your bread before you arrive at the schoolyard.

Miki your friend, wrote to you this morning that you are in another class today because your teacher is sick. Where was that again? You ask yourself absent-mindededly while searching for your phone in your pocket.

Just as you get your hands on a small, thin, square object, trying to fish it out, you feel yourself running into a person and losing your balance. You land on the floor, the contents of your bag spilling out. 

“Ouch…” you mumble to yourself, rubbing your forehead. Feeling like you’ve run into a tree instead of a person, you raise your head apologetically and look up.

“Oh God, I’m really so sorry! I wasn’t paying attention!” you try to apologize, back straightening up to look up when the man in front of you turns around and looks at you with a smile as beautiful as the sun's rays.

“It’s okay, it can happen to anyone. Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?”  He asks you smiling, as he reaches out his hand to help you regain your footing. “Y...Yeah, I’m all right.” you stutter and scratch the back of your head. For a moment he looks at you with his head tilted to the side before he laughs.

Irritated, you look up at him with a puzzled expression. “You must have overslept?” He asks,  embarrassment evident on your face, and before you can ask him how he knows, he keeps talking.

“May I?” He adds and raises his hand up to your cheek. Yet gently strokes your cheek with his thumb and dislodging the remnants of your breakfast. Oh no, how embarrassing, you think and feel your face getting warmer.

“Wait, I’ll help you pick up your stuff.” he says quietly and squats down. Nervously you move your hands back and forth, wanting him to stand back up. He chuckles kindly and picks up the books that fell out of your bag one by one.

You too squat down to quickly take the books from his hand and then pick up the little things, such as your pencil case and your key.

Sighing, you stand up and for a few seconds, you look at each other in silence. You don’t know why, but somehow you feel warm and you think your pulse has gone up a bit.

You’re sure the man in front of you is barely older than you, yet you’ve never seen him here before. “You're new here?” you blurt out, breaking the silence.

“No, I’ve been here since my first year of high school, and I’m now in my last year before the next trip goes on. I’m in Block A1. If you’re in another block, then we probably just haven’t crossed paths yet.” Embarrassed, he scratches the back of his head and squeezes his eyes shut.

So he’s in Block A. No wonder you’ve never seen him. “Block A? Wow, it’s just the elite students in there, isn’t it? I’m in Block D. Your classes are time-shifted to ours, right?” Curious and enthusiastic, you look at him with big eyes.

“Yes that’s right. Our class starts an hour later than yours.” he answers a little surprised that you know so much about the A block. “But speaking of class, don’t you have to go to class now?” he adds as he looks at his cell phone.

“Damn!” Lessons have already started and you don’t even know which class you have to go to. “I am so sorry! I really have to go. It was nice to meet you, student from Block A. Maybe I’ll see you again, or maybe not because you have a different schedule. Anyway, thank you again!” 

Chaotically, the words come out of your mouth when you say goodbye to him with a wave, before wandering off to find your class. 

He chuckles when he looks after you as you move clumsily back and forth as a small sparkling silver object catches his attention. It’s a thin bracelet with a small round object in the middle, it looks almost like a moon.

“Hey wait! You lost something!” He’s trying to call you, but you’re already gone. Once in your class, you just can’t get that friendly face out of your head. You’d love to know who this man from Block A is. But you should probably erase him from your mind, because he shouldn’t have crossed your path. After all, he belongs to the elite.

However, you can’t focus on the lessons all the time, and you don’t notice that your bracelet is missing eather. 

The loud ringing of the school bell can be heard when you pack your bag and finally leave the classroom. 

Outside the hall is filled with students, jostling each other to get  towards the exit with their black uniforms, wanting to enjoy their afternoon off. You too want to get out in the fresh air, when your legs come to a halt, hearing your name called.

Looking at who called you, you turn around with big eyes.The student from Block A. You just want to ask him what he is doing here, since he would actually still have lessons now, but he answers the question before you can ask it.

“I snuck out of the classroom… You lost your bracelet earlier, and when I tried to give it back to you, you weren’t there anymore.” The corners of his mouth go up as he stretches out his hand and puts the little silver object in yours.

Although his smile is warm like a beautiful summer day, his hand is cold like snow. “T-Thank you!” You stutter and look up at him; his hazelnut eyes put a spell on you and you fall silent again.

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” Like this morning, his words are just pleasant. But he may have gotten himself into trouble with his actions earlier. “How can I thank you? You snuck out of class because of me.” Embarrassed, you fold your hands together.

In the hallway are no more students, no chattering, no laughing, just you two and the silence. 

“You could tell me your name.”, “L/n Y/n!” it comes out of you quickly. Frightened by yourself, you put your hands in front of your mouth and look to the side, but the man in front of you puts his hands on your wrists and presses them down softly.

Just a few seconds later, you feel his index finger grazing your chin and making you look at him with little pressure. “That’s a really pretty name. It suits you. I’m Sawamura Daichi, by the way.” 

Normally, you’d give every man a slap if he gets this close to you, but it’s different with him. Again, you feel yourself getting warmer and you just can’t look away from his shining eyes.

“Are you free tonight?” Hesitantly, these words come out of him. The only thing your body allows you to do is nod. 

“Then I’ll pick you up at the park at six?” For a brief moment, you feel relief in his voice as he takes a step back and looks out the window. Again, you nod as your conversation is interrupted by a creaking door.

“Oh damn, I have to go back to my class. See you tonight L/n Y/n!” His cold hand finds its way to your shoulder as he whispers the words to you quietly and quickly disappears in a walkway.

“See you tonight… Sawamura Daichi…” You whisper softly to yourself as you bring the bracelet to your chest.

The clatter of the hangers echoes loudly through your room as you try to put together the perfect outfit for tonight. You don’t really know Sawamura yet, but you still want to look pretty for him. Maybe it’s best if you just put on your favorite outfit, because that’s where you feel most comfortable.

With a quick look outside, you make sure what the weather is like. The windows are slightly fogged at the edges, and although it is just about to get dark, the moon shines in all its glory. Large and bright is the celestial body, so large that you can almost see the craters with the bare eye.

In the end, you decide to put on a coat and lock the door behind you. Excitement spreads in your body as you step closer to the park. Does Sawamura see this as a date, or had he just invited you on a date out of pity?

After all, he is an elite student and in his class are certainly other beauties, which he could easily wrap around his finger.

Through a flower-filled archway, you enter the park. The white moon stands out from the black sky. In the park there are few people yet, hardly anyone talks, everything is quiet. Only the rustle of the leaves, and the beautiful sound of a nightingale echoes through the park.

Your anticipation is so great that your hands start to tremble and your heartbeat rings up to your ears. As agreed with Sawamura, you wait for him in the middle of the park, on a bench lit by a small yellowish lantern.

Time goes by, the people who have filled the almost empty park with a little bit of life, pass by you one by one and find their way out. The second time, you hear the bell of the bell tower, which near the park reminds everyone that it is already eight o'clock in the evening.

Your hands are still shaking, not with joy, but with cold. 

Another hour, you wait for Sawamura. In vain, because you can sense he’s not coming anymore. Probably, it was all just a stupid joke from him and he’s sitting at home in the warm and looking out the window just to make fun of your stupidity.

Depressed, you get up and find your way to the exit. To change your mood to something else, you kick a rock the way to your home. You do this until you arrive in the small forest, which is really frightening for you at night. 

One last time you kick the stone with a lot of power into the forest and watch it roll. But it does not manage to roll until the end, yet it is stopped by a shoe.

Frightened, you turn your gaze away from the small round object and look upwards to a large, powerfully built man with black hair and a nasty smirk. His hands are relaxed in his coat pockets and as you step back, he slowly comes towards you.

Several times you blink and even rub your eyes, You can’t believe what is in front of you. Because the eyes of the man are not normal, instead they glow blood red.

“Oi, Oi sweet little kitten. Where are you trying to go?” His wet breath is felt on your neck when you turn around full of fear. How is it possible that this man who was standing in front of you earlier is behind you now?

“What? How? That’s impossible! Who... What are you?” With your words you lose your voice and reflexively try to run away from the man. But you can’t do it, because his arm has already wrapped around your waist and your body lands with force against his chest.

“Are you telling me you don’t know who I am? Maybe this will help your memory.” Grinning, he brushes your hair behind your shoulder and exposes your neck. 

“Let go of me, you disgusting pervert!” You shout and try to kick him, but your body freezes to ice as you see what’s behind his grin. Pointed fangs that shine in the moonlight. 

“That’s impossible…” Silently your lips shape these words as your eyes fill with warm tears. There are no such things as vampires, so what’s happening here? 

“Ah, ah… Why do you look so sad? You know, I saw you with one of those disgusting dogs today. What’s a pretty woman like you doing with a mangy mutt?” What is this man talking about? You wonder in confusion.

You’re still trying to tear yourself away from him, but he’s just too strong for you. “Huh? You don’t want to answer me, then we stop the small talk and I can start drinking your sweet blood…”

Bored, he shrugs his shoulders and while you can only give a desperate “No!”, you can already feel his cold teeth slowly landing on your skin. Tears flow down your cheek as you squint your eyes and wait for all this to disappear as if it was a bad dream.

As if someone heard you, the teeth that wanted to pierce your flesh are no longer on your neck, and his grip on your waist is now gone. 

A loud roaring is heard and in the blink of an eye, you see how the large, powerfully built man is torn away and pushed to the ground by a huge being. A wolf… No, it’s way too big for a wolf. If that man over there is a vampire, is that a werewolf? This can only be a bad dream.

These two figures fight against each other and shed much blood. This animal, which has pulled the man away from you, bleeds heavily and breathes hard. But the Vampire-like man is not doing well either. He has open wounds and in the end decides to take the form of a bat and fly past your head.

“Ah!” you scream, stumbling backwards, and land on your butt. That scream makes that wolf take notice and turn in your direction.

Breathing heavily, the being stands before you, the mouth wide, large sharp teeth, the paws huge, so big that they could cut down a tree. And the eyes amber, friendly, loving and beautiful. Eyes you’ve seen before.

“Daichi?” You whisper softly and reach out your hand to the face of the beast. On your touch, the animal makes an excruciating sound and looks at you one last time before it disappears. You’re sure it must be Sawamura.

“Daichi!” Your voice is loud in the forest when you call his name another time and get up to follow the blood traces.

Needle foliage beneath your feet feathers your footsteps. The only thing left to hear now are a few branches breaking in two under your shoe. Trembling, you stop at a tree,  hands on the rough, damp tree bark.

You breathe deep, as you hear a murmur not far from you. The noises are getting louder as you discover a small hut and walk towards it with hesitant steps. 

The roof of the hut is already full of holes. The wooden paneling moldy and windows smashed or completely missing. There’s a huge hole in the wall, where there used to be a door.

Your whole body is still shaking and even though your head tells you there may be danger in the hut, your body feels drawn there. “Daichi?” You whisper so softly that you hardly understand it yourself. 

“Daichi?” Even if your voice now resounds loudly through the musty air, you can hear the fear in it. “G- Go… a- away.” Tormented, breathing heavily and very slowly, his words come to you from a back corner. 

This is definitely Sawamura’s voice, you think, as your steps get faster and find their way to him. You squeeze your eyes together and try to get used to the darkness to see the person or the thing in front of you. 

It won’t take long before you can recognize him. Sawamura, not that beast... that wolf a few minutes ago. 

Ashamed he looks aside, his hand on his wound on his belly. But when you call his name again and carefully bend over to him, he turns his gaze on you. His beautiful brown eyes, looking for the attention of yours. 

Reflexively, you want to stretch your hands forward, take care of his wound. But his piercing, warning voice makes you stop in your movement.

“No! Leave that Y/n! Don’t touch me! Go away! Leave me alone!” Groaning, he’s trying to move away from you. “Your blood... It attracts me.” he adds with heavy breath. But you don’t let his words stop you and take off your jacket to press it against his wound.

You don’t care if he hurts you, because you can’t just leave him here in a moldy hut. “We have to get you up, you need a doctor or you’re gonna bleed out Daichi.” You sniff anxiously and press the now damp fabric of your jacket even harder against his belly.

Your hands are cold, they tremble with worry, but your eyes fill with a warm liquid that slowly runs down your cheeks. “Hey, please stop crying Y/n.” Sawamura tries to calm you down with a suddenly so peaceful voice.

His cool hand rests on yours and tries to suppress their trembling. Suddenly you look from the wound up into his eyes. Why is he so quiet? Is he about to die?

“Sawa-” You try to say, but Sawamura interrupts you shaking his head with his index finger on his mouth. You quickly fall silent and look at him for a moment.

It is so quiet that you would probably even hear the falling dust as soon as it hit the ground. 

“Put your coat away,” he says quietly and gently raises your hand away from his body. “Look, it’s almost all right.” He adds to his sentence and raises his shirt a little bit up so you can see the wound. Or at least what’s left of it. Because where the thick red color came out earlier, there is now only a scar to be seen. No blood, no wound.

“Sawa- what? How is that possible? You bled so much earlier.” You mumble to yourself in disbelief as you dodge to the back. “You have seen my true form.  You have seen that I am not a real man, that I am a beast.” He stands up and reaches out his hand to help you up.

“Werewolves have a very good healing power, but more importantly, why did you come here? Why did you follow me? Please don’t be so wide-eyed, I could have hurt you.” He puts his hands on your shoulders and makes you look at him.

Werewolves? Vampires? Healing powers? What is going on? You have so many questions and so much you don’t understand, but the only question that comes out of you is why Sawamura stood you up.

His hands slide down your shoulders with his mouth open. “I’m sorry, I forgot there’s a full moon today. I’ve been standing by the window watching you. I must say, it hurt in my chest to see you sitting so sad on the bench. But I couldn’t risk you seeing me as such an ugly creature... hurting you. But when you went out of the park and wanted to go into the woods, I had taken the smell of a vampire. I was just playing it safe and following you because I was afraid he was gonna do something to you. And then when I saw you in the woods with that guy about to drink your blood against your will, I got angry and I had to turn into that thing. I had to protect you. I’m sorry the evening wasn’t as planned.”

Even if he sounds sad, you can’t help laughing. “Sawamura Daichi, you’re a very interesting man. Then let’s set up a new date, and we’ll do it on a day when there’s no full moon. I don’t care if you are a werewolf, a dog or a human. You are you and this person is interesting and loving.” 

Smiling, you squeeze his hands and look at him in silence. With a nod, he responds to the pressure and looks at you thankfully. “That sounds good Y/n.  Is it okay if I take you home?” He smiles with embarrassment and looks out of the hut, into the sky filled with stars.

“Yes,” it comes out quietly from you, while you leave this musty place with easy steps. 

The cold touches your skin and makes you get goose bumps. Sawamura has your coat in his hand because he wanted to take it home and wash it for you. Right now you opt to take your hands and rub your arms warm when the soft cotton fabric of a heavy jacket lands on your shoulders.

Questioningly, you look up at Sawamura, who just looks at you with a loving smile. “I don’t want you to get sick.” He grins, and squeezes the jacket against you even more, as he then lets go of you and only accompanies you home in his T-shirt.

Up to your front door, you two keep silent. Even on your doorstep, neither of you talk. “Please come in, have some tea and warm yourself up before you go home, Daichi. Please…” you’re trying to enjoy his presence for a few more minutes.

First he hesitates, but then accepts your offer gratefully.

However, you do not even make it to the tea. Because you make yourself comfortable on your couch and not even more than a minute has been enough that your eyes have become heavier and you have fallen asleep on Sawamura’s shoulder.

With a sad smile, his fingertips caress your hair. “Good night, Y/n.” he whispers, barely audible, and tries to stand up carefully so as not to wake you. Before your upper body can land on the soft fabric of your couch, Sawamura lifts you up and looks around your apartment for the bedroom.

After he has found it, he turns on the light, still with you in his arms. He lays you down in your bed carefully and as quietly as possible. His jacket, which hangs loosely over your shoulders, falls to the ground and lands on his feet. With a slight growl he lifts it up and sits down next to you.

With his extra weight, the bed creaks but you don’t wake up. 

Sad, almost troubled, he looks at you for several minutes as he caresses your cheek. “I’m sorry Y/n, but you have to forget all this. You and I should never have found each other.” He whispers softly and raises his hand, which was lying on your cheek earlier.

Stretched out over your face, he erases all your memories of today.

“Good night Y/n.” He whispers one last time and gives you a loving kiss on the forehead before he gets up. 

One last time he looks into your beautiful, peacefully sleeping face as he looks down on his jacket in his hand. He knows he had to erase all your memories, but do you really have to forget him completely?

It’s wrong, but quietly he folds his jacket together and puts it gently on your nightstand, then leaves your bedroom and your apartment.

With a slight headache, you get up and rub your tired eyes.

You had a really weird dream. Even if… the dream felt so real…

“A really weird dream…” You mumble to yourself as your gaze wanders through your room and ends up with a black jacket that seems unknown to you but at the same time also very familiar.

Was it really just a dream?

[b0blegum]

At the Same Level.

Author: b0blegum

Pairing: Choi Youngjae x Reader

Rating: PG (but who wants their parents to read this with them tho, just read at your own risk lmao)

Genre: Smutty-Fluff

Status: COMPLETED

Part: One-Shot

a/n okay, so this is actually requested by @fannyfransiscaaa. I don’t know if she’d like this as much as i do, but let’s just hope this is also her cup of tea x

Saturday, 9pm.

Nothing much different than any other weekends. The apartment is quiet. You, reading a book you haven't got the chance to finish it since last month and Youngjae, your flat-mate, busy clicking mouse and torturing the keypad with eyes locked on bright computer screen.

You and him are not fond of going out on weekends, because both of you share the same thought; why would one go out on weekend when they were out everyday on weekdays? Were those 5 days not enough?

"Youngjae!" You shouted from your room. You always let your door open. Except when you are showering or sleeping, of course.

"Hm?" He hummed, without taking his eyes off the screen.

"I am hungry." He kept quiet, waiting for your next chain of words. "Want to order some chicken?"

"No, shit!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, sorry. It was the game. What did you say?" He shouted. Fingers still busy on both keyboard and mouse.

"I want to order some chicken. Fancy that?" You walked out to his game room. The only room that doesn't have windows and clock, where Youngjae could spend the whole day there without realising the moon had replaced the sun

"Yeah, yeah." He stole a quick glance at you before locking his eyes back on screen and began saying words you don't even understand.

You rushed to his room, took his wallet that he put carelessly on the bed and took two bills from it, but something stopped your action. You saw a photo of you and him, in his wallet, between the bills he has.

"He keeps this photo?" You slid out the photo carefully. "Jeez, i looked ugly." You commented, before sliding it back in and threw his wallet back.

"I'm paying with your money." You said, intentionally saying it with low voice, so that he can't really hear it, but if he asked you where his money is, you could easily say 'I've told you earlier but you didn't respond so i took that as a yes.' An old trick you always pulled and he still fall for it every time.

After around thirty minutes of waiting, you smell something nice, followed by a ring on the front door.

That is definitely the chicken. You marched to pick it and brought it inside. Putting it on the small coffee table in the living room along with two cans of beer you took from the fridge.

"Youngjae-ah, my boyfriend is here. Come eat him up!" You showed up at the door of the gameroom. He didn't say anything until the result of the game came on screen. He took off his headset and joined you.

"That sounds so wrong. Eat him. I don't eat men, (y/n)." He hissed and opened his can.

"Why is everything has to be related to sexual activity to you?" You rolled your eyes.

When you first met him, was the day he moved in to your flat. He seemed innocent, reserved and all that treats that a nerd would have, but all of your first impressions of him were completely wrong. He is goofy, loud (especially when he laughs) and his mind were filled with either games of girls– and dogs, okay, he loves dogs.

"Don't blame me. You chose that word and i happened to know a lot of phrases, so..." He chewed his chicken.

"Whatever." He chuckled at your reaction. He loves to annoy you. He loves you being angry (but not really) at him. He just love your reactions and not only that, he loves teasing you. He loves giving you a sudden back hug when you were cooking. You were blushing when he did that for the first time, but not until he whispered 'The bathroom smelled so bad, you must've pooped a lot.' Since then, you always brushed his hands immediately, when he was about to give you a back hug.

"Hey, i'm turning on Serendipity, alright?" You searched for the remote, then clicking the buttons, switching to the movie mode to found your favourite movie.

"God, i am a man and i've watched that movie zillion times. I feel weird." He stripped his last portion of chicken before downing the beer.

"You don't have to join me if you don't want to. I'm cool." You leaned on the lower part of the couch and fixing your eyes on the TV as soon as the movie played.

"You believe in serendipity?" He asked when Jonathan made an appearance.

"Well, i believe in omnia causa fiunt, there's not much different with serendipity, right?" He nodded. His eyes involuntarily sticked to the TV, following the korean subtitle provided.

He let you watched the movie in peace, because he knows you'd be mad at him if he disturbs you when you are watching a movie.

He stood up, tidying the mess from the chicken you both just ate and after he was done throwing all of them to the bin, he came back with a blanket. His.

"Get on." He tapped the empty space beside him. You stood up, but instead of getting on the couch, you walked to turn off the lamp first, giving it a movie night kind of feel.

"Why did you turn it off?" He asked as you slipped inside the blanket you both share.

"Why? You don't like it this way?" You asked back as you curled yourself, taking more blanket than him. "Want me to turn it on?"

"No, no. It's fine."

Your eyes grew heavy as the movie went by, but you still managed to smile at the elevator scene. Same went to Youngjae. He already had his head tilted, supported by his hand that rested on the inside arm. His head fell a couple of times from his arm until he finally gave up and lulled his head back and somehow your head fell to his shoulder. He didn't realised it anymore because he already fell into a deep sleep and you, too. You adjusted your position to the one you thought the most comfortable for you.

The glimpse of sun rays insisted to touch your lids. You rubbed your eyes gently and put your hand to where it was before. It's firm, but... Soft. Your forehead curled, thinking about what is it under your hand. Your bed doesn't feel like this and so does your pillow. You moved your hand a couple of times as you gently pressed it.

"That... Is my chest." A raspy, just-woke up voice shocked you that made your eyes immediately wide open.

You looked up to found your flat-mate, none other than Youngjae, laying really closely to you.

"We fell asleep on the couch together on accident." He pulled his hand from strands of (your hair color).

"How did we end up in this position? Were you brushing my hair?" You asked, somehow felt annoyed.

"Were you breathing on my neck?" He asked you back as he felt a warm air touching his crooked of neck. "Oh, yes you are. You are breathing on my neck." He said softly, almost a whisper. "But... Don't you think it feels really comfortable?"

You blinked your eyes rapidly. Slowly you felt your stomach tingling, it felt funny inside.

It is, it is comfortable. You thought. But...

"Uh, Youngjae..." You called him. You could feel his jaw moved slightly, brushing your head. He found you trying to get off from your position.

"(Y/n)," he called you. "I know we're not on that level to do this, but..." You stopped wiggling trying to get off from his arm. "Can we just stay in this position for a while? It's... Comfortable and it's monday." He added.

He was right. You wanted to stay in this position, as well. His body is surprisingly perfect to be leaned on plus he smells so good.

"You're saying nothing, so i take that as a.. Yes?"

"It really is... Comfortable." You wiped his clothed chest gently and adjusting your head back the crook of his neck.

Both of you stayed in that very position for a really long time that even you almost fell back to sleep. Until his voice snapped you.

"Why are you keep refusing my back hug?" He asked as his finger took a few strands of your hair and played with it. You didn't protest and just let him.

You let out another warm breath onto his neck. "That poop thingy, you idiot."

"Poop?" He repeated.

"You said the bathroom smelled so bad that i must've pooped a lot." You rolled your eyes.

He chuckled, "I really said that?"

"Oh, please, Youngjae."

"I'm sorry about that, but if i promised i'd never say something like that ever again, will you accept my back hugs?"

"Why is it plural?"

"Becaus–"

"Hold on, i just remembered something. Why did you still have that photo of us?"

"A photo?"

"The one on your wallet. The one between the bills."

"Oh," he stopped playing with your hairs. "That is our first photo together– wait, you go through my wallet?"

"Chicken, Youngjae. I used your money."

"You little bastard." He rolled his eyes and smiled.

"Youngjae..." You called him. He only hummed and waited for your next sentence. "Why is it so comfortable." You repeated his words he said minutes ago.

You started to feel that tingling sensation again everytime your skin brushed against him and when he moved his head slightly, making a contact with your head or when his fingers playing with your hair. You felt like your breath was caught up in your throat and without you even realised, your legs moved by itself, intertwining with his. He didn't seem to refused, instead he adjusted to it and made it even more comfortable.

Knowing that you received positive feedback from him, you moved your hand slightly upward, closer to his neck, stopped right on his collarbone.

You could feel he looked down to you and moved his free hand slowly. The butterflies on your stomach began to made chaos. The funny feeling stroke back, waiting– no, expecting for his action.

He put his hand on your cheek and brushed it softly with the back of his hand.

"(Y/n)," he said. "We've been living under the same roof for... Ages, but were you always this beautiful?" His comment made you blush. You could feel your face getting warmer.

He slowly slides his hand to your jawline then to your chin. Lifting your head slowly, probably being cautious, in case you don't like what he does. But you did not refuse.

You were staring into each other with soft gaze, like you were both talking, only without a sound. He then brings his face closer to you and closed his eyes. You did the same. You closed your eyes and waiting for something you know he'd do in just another second.

And you were right.

In no time his lips touched yours and it stayed like that for a couple seconds before you gave more pressure against his lips, not that much but enough to tell him that you're up to whatever he is currently doing.

Knowing that you were up to it, he moved his hand to your cheek, cupping it as he adjusted both of your lips between each other's. Then he slid his hand gently to your neck, while your hand was still on his chest, slowly making its way up to his nape.

The kiss were slow but intense. He didn't force you to let him in nor you both were battling for dominance, no. It was sweet and gentle and it was the kiss that made you feel like time slows down, like it was controlled by the two of you.

Slowly, he shifted himself, supporting his weight with his arm that was pressed beneath your body. You were instinctively shifted yourself, laying underneath him, being pressed lightly by the figure.

His hand moved down, trailing the curve of your body and stopped when it reached your hip. He fixed his hand there as he deepened the kiss.

You played along with his game, you bite his lips couple of times that made him smirked and bite yours back, more softly.

"I don't know you'd like this idea," he whispered in your ears as he pecked your jawline.

You said nothing but moaned as he kissed you down the neck, biting the flesh and leaving marks.

You involuntarily spread your legs, giving him a way to put himself between you and once he's there, you locked him with your legs.

"I don't know what this is, but i'm loving our time now." You grabbed the back of his head and invited him for a more intense kiss.

“I think, we’re already in the level to do this kind of things.” He smiled in between kisses.

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[buckywintersoldierbarnes2017]

Always and Forever.

Request from @melconnor2007: I was thinking something like the reader and Seb had been together for ages, and he was shooting a new film that had a sex scene the reader thought they actually had sex in the scene and didn't know how it worked, she got upset and wouldn't speak to seb, and ignored his calls, so he files back home to her, and reassures her and it's really fluffy at the end, if that makes any sense

Note: Okay so this is the first bit of writing I have done for Sebastian Stan rather than one of his characters so I hope it is alright. I may have got a little carried away with it :)

Sebastian Stan x Reader

Words: 2,869

Disclaimer: I do not know Sebastian Stan in real life so, of course, I don’t know how he would react to ANY situation. This is just my take for a request I was given. Also none of the GIFs used are mine so all credit goes to their creators <3

A ray of sun broke through the crack in you closed bedroom curtains and immediately it dragged you out of your restful sleep. You had never been a morning person but your distaste at having to crawl out of bed was even worse today. It was a day you had been dreading for two weeks now.

A day that had come by far quicker than you would have liked it to.

“Good morning beautiful.”

You were pulled out of your thoughts as an arm wrapped itself around your waist and pulled you closer to the warm body that had been sleeping next to you. The male whose lips were now so close to yours always did have a way of bringing you out of any negativity you felt. You swore even to this day, three years down the line, that he had some kind of special ability.

No one else had ever made you feel as good as he did...and most important of all he had never misled, hurt, or cheated on you during your time together. He was the epitome of a perfect boyfriend. But then you wouldn’t expect anything less from Sebastian Stan – Hollywood actor.

Millions of girls around the world would kill to have him in their life and yet it was you who had managed to steal his heart.

“Morning. I was thinking we could go for breakfast before you have to leave.”

He was about to head off for a film shoot on the West Coast which meant that he was going to be away for a few months in the very least. You should have been over the moon for him, celebrating that yet again he had managed to gain a lead role in a film, should have been used to him having to go away for periods of time, but you weren’t. You were far from it, you just wanted to spend each day with him.

But you would never allow him to see such a feeling from you. This was his dream and you didn’t want to be the one to stop him from living that.

He removed his arm from around you but only so he could reach over to his phone to see what time it was. When you noticed his face fall you knew you weren’t going to get the response you wanted.

“I’m sorry. My flight leaves in 3 hours...I won’t have time to.”

There it was; the very answer you had been expecting after seeing his face and yet it still hurt like hell. As he looked over at you with an apologetic look on his face you gave him the most genuine smile you could manage to force onto your face before climbing out of the bed completely.

“Well in that case I will just have to settle with having a coffee with you as you finish packing your things.”

“Thank you for understanding [y/n], I know that this can’t be easy on yo-“

“Hey.” Before you had even left the bedroom you swiftly turned on the balls of your feet and made your way back over to the bed so that you could place a single finger onto his lips to stop his words. “This isn’t about me. It’s about you living your dream okay? You don’t need to worry about me. My writing will keep me busy while you are away.”

That very act alone made you wonder whether you should have picked the acting profession as your career too.....you seemed to be getting pretty damn good at putting on a performance in front of him.

“Now....I am going to make that coffee before it gets too late.”

You removed your finger from his lip so that you were able to press your lips gently against his. Even just a simple kiss was enough to set off those butterflies inside your stomach. Every other relationship you had been in the butterflies soon disappeared but with him they were there with every kiss, every touch he placed on you, not once did that feeling ever become dull for you.

Smiling softly you left the room and made your way into the kitchen.

                                              * * * * * * * * * *

It had been a few weeks since he had left for the West Coast and although your job as a writer kept you busy most of the day it was on a night where you felt his absence the most; the bed was only ever warm enough to fall asleep quickly when his body was there for you to nestle yourself into so without it you would spend a good couple of hours tossing and turning before you would eventually settle enough to get some kind of sleep. Yes you had the joys of FaceTime so you could still speak to and see him but it was nowhere close to actually having him there with you.

It was the same every time Sebastian was away but he would normally be back home by now…this was the longest he had been away so it wasn’t going to get better anytime soon.

Going into the fifteenth night of his absence your usual tossing and turning was more intense then it usually would be and after what felt like an eternity of doing it your patience wore down to the point where you forced yourself out of bed; if you were going to be awake most of the night you might as well do something more productive then kicking about underneath the bed sheets.

As you lifted up the screen of your laptop the light from it seemed to illuminate the entire room around you casting a display of shadows on the walls that made the fact that you were currently alone slightly more intimidating.

Your initial intention had been to continue with the novel you had started months ago now but when a notification popped up onto your screen informing you of some new entertainment news you couldn’t resist having a look – although he spoke to you often about what had happened on set there were some things he couldn’t so when the media managed to get hold of such information you were hardly going to avoid looking at it.

Your curiosity ruled over your mind quite a bit.

‘Sexy Sebastian’s Steamy Affair’ Written by Joshua Jones

It didn’t take long for the nausea to kick in once the bold headline lit up on the screen before you. You could see the beginnings of a picture too underneath the sickening words and although you were internally screaming at yourself not to do it your fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and they were scrolling down the page before you could stop them….

….and there it was, it was a grainy image but it was still clear enough to make out the form of the man you loved getting intimate with a female. A rather attractive one at that too. An uncomfortable lump formed inside your throat and with the way it was beginning to become hard to breathe you were convinced it was going to cut off your airway completely. How could he do this to you?

The words of your friends who you once thought were just jealous of the relationship you had with him began to echo through your mind on an endless loop that seemed intent on taunting you.

“He’s a celebrity [y/n], they’re all the same….”

“…he will break your heart.”

“All those girls throwing themselves at him. He won’t be able to resist.”

Each and every word they said was ignored and some of the friends that continued to try and drill this into your head soon found themselves disappearing from your life….but they had been right the whole time; your head had been so far up in the clouds that you hadn’t been able to see him for what he really was.

A player. A man that wasn’t happy with what he already had.

The tears that you were so desperately trying to keep inside your eyes were beginning to sting; obviously as far as they were concerned you weren’t feeling enough pain from the bombshell that had just been thrown at you. You couldn’t stop looking at the picture even though it was tearing you apart with each second that passed, it was calling out to you wanting to torture you, you should be closing your laptop to rid yourself of the heart-breaking view but you couldn’t move to be able to do so.

Your phone ringing out was the only thing that managed to snap you back to reality and when your eyes drifted down to the screen any part of your heart that wasn’t already broken shattered there and then.

He was FaceTiming you.

Usually you would waste no time in accepting his call, a smile lighting up your whole face when you saw his handsome features, but right now you couldn’t handle seeing him. Everything he had said to you was a lie…even the smile on his face would feel like a betrayal. Last thing you wanted was to see him smiling after he had shared something so intimate with another person.

                                             * * * * * * * * * *

A frustrated growl escaped Sebastian as he threw his mobile phone onto the sofa in his trailer. His co-star, Scarlett, furrowed her brows as she looked away from the script she had been practising from with him.

“Is she still not answering?”

“No. That’s the fifth time I have tried calling her over the space of two days and nothing! Not even a message back to say she is busy or something.” He combed a hand through his dark locks before shaking his head. “This isn’t like her at all.”

“I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation. I know I haven’t met [y/n] but she seems like a reasonable person.”

He didn’t respond, his frustration still very much evident in both his facial expression and his body language. Didn’t look like they would be going over their lines anytime soon and so she sat herself down onto the sofa where his phone still lay and stretched her legs out as she started to scroll through her own phone.

“I know that the travelling I do is hard on her, no matter how much she tries to hide the fact, but it’s not easy on me either. These calls are what-“

“Seb.”

“-get me through the long shoots.” He hadn’t heard the blonde calling out to him and continued to speak out the anxious thoughts racing through his mind. “For her to be igno-“

“SEB!”

Her loud voice echoed throughout the whole trailer and this time he really did hear her – practically jumping right out of his skin as he paced from one end of room to the other. His brows furrowed in a mixture of both confusion and annoyance that she had been so loud.

“What is it? I’m not really up for running through lines right now Scarlett.”

“Does [y/n] look at any entertainment news sites at all?”

“Well….I guess so, she always has been the curious type.”

“Well you might want to have a look at this then.”

There was a deadpan expression on her face as she handed over her phone for him to see the very article that you had read just a couple of days beforehand. Immediately a look of horror swept over his face as he saw both the headline and the picture.

“Shit. This is why the security should be better in this damn place! It was a sex scene for a movie not an affair!” His usual handsome features contorted themselves into a twisted angry look as it started to click into place what must have happened. “She thinks I cheated on her….I need to go Scarlett I’m sorry.”

His apology was genuine enough but once it had been vocalised all he cared about was getting home to you. If he left this any longer then there was every possibility you wouldn’t be at home when he returned. As far as he was concerned they could film the scenes where they didn’t need him until he came back. However much he loved his career you were the most important thing to him. Losing the life of an actor would be bearable….losing you would kill him.

                                               * * * * * * * * * *

Until your eyes fell upon the few boxes you had packed you never realised just how little you had moved into this apartment with – but then you had never been one to hoard things. These were the things that meant the most to you and yet at this moment in time they are the very things taunting you about the mistake that you had made.

You needed to get out of here.

Stacking up the few boxes that you had you prepared yourself to juggle them down to the ground floor of the apartment block when the door flew open so hard and fast it looked like it almost fell right off its hinges.

“Don’t go [y/n].”

“Wow. You must really be worried about your reputation if you pulled yourself away from such an attractive woman just to come here and get me to stay.”

Your tone was cold and flat and your eyes never once looked at him. How could they? You had once looked into those crystal blue eyes of his and saw your entire future playing out….a future that was now destroyed because of him and his urges.

“There’s a sex scene in the movie, that’s what the picture is of, I would never ever do such a thing to you. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.” He knew that you were trying to avoid his gaze and so he quickly closed the gap between the two of you, letting the door shut behind him as his hand left the handle, and took both of your hands inside of his. “You have helped me make a home [y/n], one my heart will always belong to, and more than anything you have made me see a future outside of a career.”

You didn’t attempt to remove your hands, actually rather enjoying the tingling sensation his fingertips sent through your skin, but your facial expression remained cold towards him.

“Please look at me. I need to see those beautiful eyes.”

“Sebastian don’t. I’ve made my mind up. I can’t…..I can’t look at you when all I can see is that image in my mind. I need to leave.”

His hands dropped from yours as he collapsed down onto his knees on the floor. Sheer exhaustion and the fear of losing you finally taking its toll on him. It was then that you allowed your gaze to fall onto his broken form; despite the pain and heartache you had felt over the past couple of days it hurt you even more to see him in such a state.

He was always the strong one, the arms that would carry you when you were down, and yet right now there were tears flowing down his stubbled cheeks that you never thought you’d see. His chest was heaving with the sobs he was trying so hard to keep inside of him. You couldn’t leave him when he was like this. He needed you.

A soft sigh rolled from your lips as you sat yourself down on the floor opposite him and you cupped his chin with your hand to make him look at you. The second your eyes connected with another’s he threw his arms around you and pulled you into his body in a grip that proved he wasn’t going to let you go anytime soon. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, attempting to calm himself down enough to speak to you.

“You are my world [y/n]. No one could ever compare to the excitement you make me feel each and every day. Please…..don’t leave me.”

If he truly didn’t care for you then you knew, deep down, that he wouldn’t have risked his career to come back to you and he certainly wouldn’t be showing you such a vulnerable side. Your arms joined in with the embrace, wrapping around his broad body, your lips placing gentle kissers onto the top of his head.

“I’m not going to leave you. I should never have even thought that you would do such a thing to me and I’m sorry.  I love you Sebastian Stan…..always and forever.”

You could feel his smile against your skin before he moved his head to look at you straight on, a hand raising to caress your cheek. His eyes were red raw from the onslaught of tears but his smile held so much love in it.

“I love you too [y/n]…..always, forever, and beyond.”

His lips crashed up against yours as he bestowed upon you the kiss he had been so desperate to give you for days. Swearing to himself to never put you through such a painful thing again.

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moominland chronicles 05 a n x i e t y

 It's been a while, things have chopped and changed in the fashion i have now become accustomed to, if you’ve ever made a big transition you’ll know that nothing corrects itself quickly.

The princess crashed down to earth on a comet, so a lot of detritus was left in her wake and as she walked out of the charred remains of her interstellar vehicle she was dazed, confused and a little but concused.

This week i think i need to speak openly about my issues with anxiety, they have been a fairly major theme of my days.

It's not easy to describe anxiety whilst you're in the midst of it, i know i am among many that battle with it every day of their lives. It's a noose wrapped around your neck, slowly hoisting you up, making you a strange fruit, its the snake that tempted eve, coiling around your mind, driving you to exasperated spells of utter turmoil. It is invisible but it grips like thor.

Over time i have developed a lot of ways to combat this affliction, predominantly through my creative outpourings, aesthetic beauty and grand narratives are fountains i can pour all of this stress into, i forget the incidents that torment my day. I stop projecting on loved ones and friends and i manage to catch my breath.

But last week was traumatic, something became unhinged in the rigorous itinerary of my routines, i unravelled and through that unravelling i saw the snags within the fabric of my armour.

Perhaps it's useful, necessary, to break sometimes.

Various factors led to this unkempt state: I started a new job, which takes place whilst the majority of the city is asleep, as the sun edges in to the sky i begin my passage to work, it's been a journey trying to adapt and last week i was exceptionally tired. The bear returned briefly, a sort of guest appearance, re entered my little yellow house and all the residual invisible parts of him, his dust, reappeared in my days. I started keeping my accounts and realised a slow decline has been taking place into shopping addiction, a restless, urgent compulsion that I’m now trying to deal with, and possibly the subject of next week’s blog.

But I won’t talk any further on the bear, and this week I’m talking about anxiety, so let's just scoot past these things for now.

I guess it’s easiest to describe one day, one moment even, in detail, to really get to the crux what has been going on. So i’ll choose wednesday because that was the apex of my hysterics:

I slept, but I woke up at 3am, i don't know how long I slept for, but it was probably under 6 hours, as my eyes blearily started to move and I climbed out of bed the panic was already setting in, I was terrified of going to work, to a glossy cage, where I would flail, flap and suffer, a useless human, a terrible cleaner, a waste of cells and energy.

“How could the age of the firefox let me down?”

Silent wails to myself whilst mechanically gripping the toothbrush.

The girl in the mirror returned an unhappy gait, looked out at me, the failure, all the joy accumulated throughout the past month just evaporating from her eyes, now just a memory in a shaded part of my mind that I couldn’t focus on.

The beat of your fixation just spins round and round, an eternal loophole.

She, reflected, walked away, out of the frame of the glass and I left the house.

On the tram sheer panic set in, sitting edigily on a double seat staring out at the dregs of the night and other half awake employee’s, not taking on anymore than a vague inkling of the hues of their faces, so entrenched in the terrible scene that would occur on my green carpeted balcony.

The glass jar ashtray would be caught by the thick rays of the sun and light would refract through it in an intense burst, which would cause the carpet to catch light, first just twisting smoke that would quickly become white hot flames, my wooden french windows would be engulfed and it would enter my little yellow house and destroy everything in its path, I would have no home and my landlords investment in her future would become null and void.

My feet are kicking together as I look down, a brief reprieve from this vision.

The trams gets to the station.

The tiredness drags my sides downwards, as if bungee cord is sewn into my skin and fixed to the floor.

In the office, just departed from the stainless steel lift, sitting not smiling, attempting to cover up the screeching racket inside. Averting eye contact wherever possible, the floor, the wall, the river outside just ebbing gently, but leaving no imprint. Nothing soothes this state of fortified unrest.

I am cleaning the kitchen, well, the offices that surround the kitchen, trying to throw myself into a corner and be out of the line of vision of all humanity, “don’t look at me, please”.

I am wiping already clean surfaces, hovering immaculate carpets, my face is twinging, bulging, my shoulders are hunched above the crown of my head, my body is strung like an elastic band pulled to its limit, I am going to snap. Again, look out of the bar windows, see the river, there is a faint resonance, some recognition of its beauty, in the back of my reality I understand it is the universe, I am a microcosm of this macrocosm before me, try to breathe, just try.

It fails, you failure, you utter disappointment.

I am having coffee with my colleagues, with a friend who is also a colleague, and another colleague who is a colleague, I don’t want to be sitting on that seat, I don’t want to be ordering coffee with the fragrant barista, arranged at a table on the street outside with a man I don’t really know. Grating teeth, nearly in tears, not even caring that I don’t really know this man, admitting to my friend as the sun catches the turquoise of her eyes that:

Its not ok, its really not ok,

I’m turned so my body is in no way participating at this convention of post work bonding, my voice is cracking a little bit, palpitations that are somewhere between the base of my neck and my cranium, faster and faster, like a drum roll.

Its not ok, I’m really not ok.

She looks at me and tries to hold my hand, to steady me, but I recoil in horror, literal shock reverberating through my system, triggered by human contact. Please don’t touch me, the warmth of another is just something else to agonise over.

I left my key in the office.

F u c k

I jump up, I have to go back, I have another job and I am torn between a rock and a hard place, my friend comes with me, we head back to the office, my words are all inside out, I don’t want the receptionist to think I’m the terrible failure we both know I am, she’s so soft and warm, but she will be unimpressed, ney, whats stronger? She will be disgusted.

The key was in a brown envelope, it had my name written on it in squirly feminine writing, I think there was a heart where the dot should be above the I.

I took the key and I left it on the table, in the kitchen, by the popcorn, but I didn’t pick it up.

Don’t tell her.

It’s in the cleaning cupboard, I just forgot it.  

It’s not there, the envelope is, but its empty.

F u c k

Stick my hand desperately in the basket I find it in, something chimes, metal, it is there, brief relief. Get out, a moment of pause, the cascade of self admonishment stops, a little light shines, but it is a flash in the dark only.

On my way to the next job. A move out clean, I’m late because the journey is a total nightmare, bus, tram, bus, tram, u bahn, tram, etc etc. Some I wait for, some I find alternatives to: waiting 20 minutes for a tram just seems like to much.

I’m in the suburbs, there are dirt tracks, and so many trees, the ground crunches beneath my feet as I walk towards my destination, further and further away from the center.

And scene.

To really reflect the hyperventilation of the day, as I go on writing this, I realise its perfect descriptor is fragmented, is broken and somehow nonsensical, because anxiety, or my anxiety, is not a body of words that create an illustrious narrative structure. It is unfiltered garbage.

5 ½ hours to clean.

Slung out of windows.

She has a list, shes petite and organised.

The dirt is thick on the glass.

I cannot stay here for 5 ½ hours.

Roll into the room shes quietly working in.

“I cannot stay here that long, I’m sorry, my body will break.”

She and another colleague treating me with kid gloves, like I’m antique bone china.

Frantically scrubbing the bathroom in half light.

Departing, exit onto the street, the sun is so hot I cannot breathe, catch my breath at a bus stop, have a cigarette, an old german lady sits down beside me. I am in Berlin, but its not my Berlin, she’s waiting for a bus, all my things are spread all over the seat.

Enschuldigung, I move my things, I jump up and say in English that I’m not actually waiting for a bus. She has kindly eyes, I feel our souls connect there, then I careen off to the tram stop, another lady, middle aged this time, asks if this is the right tram in German, I answer in English and check the route with her.   

Another 20 minute wait.

I am so far from home.

I ring the moon, in between trams.

England are playing Croatia later, it’s such a gorgeous day, but I have to crawl into a cocoon and hide, I have to get home.

I say all the things to him I shouldn’t say, I voice my deepest fears, I whine about him embarking on a path where he will have a home I cannot visit. I cry, my sunglasses are on so no one can see my tears, but they can hear my voice, pulled  tight, again the elastic band, he reacts, we fight, on our plastic devices across a sea from each other, he is violent and I am broken.

I cry some more.

It takes so long to get back to my little yellow house, every step is drawn out, until I’m inside my door I feel so far away.

But then I’m home, I take off my sweat ridden clothes, I put on my pijamas, I curl up into a ball on my bed and shudder, I am not going to watch the football.

I go on a muesli bender, my second on 2 days, I don’t even care that my house isn’t pristine. I don’t do the washing up, I just roam backwards and forwards to the kitchen and insert anything I find in my fridge into my mouth and it blocks the pain, a little bit.

I finally sleep.

Now, I’m not sure if you’ve managed to keep up with what happened on that Wednesday, but it is sufficient to say after 5 weeks of being on a physical and mental high it was a fairly extensive crash in my psyche.

Anxiety can be tackled, by organisation, by tidying your house, by breathing, by investing your time in your future and in your intellectual pursuits. I am at my most mentally healthy when I am maintaining myself, when all the arrangements in my abode are neat and I am clean, when my body is well cared for and a half finished painting or comic page sits on my desk.

I am finding that calm is a routine that gives you time, anxiety is the reduction of time, it diminishes until you feel like there is no time between you and anything you do, that every action has an immediate negative effect and all the perceived interactions you make are harmful to the not you’s in those scenarios. It is the contraction of distance, everything is close, pushed up against you without any space to move.

Calm is sitting at my kitchen table, lighting my little tealight, with a plate full of colourful food before me, making a prayer to the universe which entails gratitude and experiencing the myriad of sensations in each bite. I clawed it back by sleeping and continuing my commitment to not drinking alcohol, to yoga and to myself. I managed to right myself in a few days, by forgiving myself, by doing the washing up and wiping the kalk off my taps, by tinkering with ableton and building links between the strands of my practise to create the foundation for my current project.

By marrying moominland to the moon, acknowledging the bear and investigating the princess.

It’s fine now but it won’t be again at some point in the future, I just have to bear this in my mind so it’s not a shock when it happens again.

It is ok. I am ok. We are ok. She is ok.

He is fine.

Don’t panic.

Listen to Alan Watts.