#sorry if im still processing this as a gay person who also came out around that age

[pinkeoni]

There’s gonna be interviews, talk show spots, podcasts, more tiktoks, he’s gonna be able to openly talk about and live life as he truly is

[shhhhyoursister]

photographer!au

hey yall this is the first of the unfinished aus im going to be uploading, im leaving in all my notes and unedited bits so you can see the process and everything!!! i hope you all enjoy!!!!!!!!!

Matteo felt a bit like a ghost at times, with the way he slowly paced the hallways of his home. It wouldn’t be too out of character for him to have become a ghost without even realizing it, especially being alone in an old, large, dismally lit house for as long as he had been. He was sure the air was swimming with spirits, could tell from the shadows that would quietly slip from room to room, slithering along the walls with nothing really there to cast them. 

When he was a kid, he was terrified of his house. Understandably, considering the constant creaking and tapping and thudding that came from the basement, the attic, even the walls in Matteo’s own room. His parents would always tell him “Houses just make sounds, Matteo, you have to get over it,” and eventually he did (figure out how to end)

(start new paragraph) around the time he started realizing how much of a ghost he was, amongst his family and even his friends. Quiet, woeful, longing for some kind of life to live. He could sympathize with them, and his fear vanished.

(rearrange) It still made him laugh, though. His house looked haunted, from the outside and the inside, and the fact that it was surrounded on almost all sides with dense, thick, dark woods didn’t help. Matteo was still sometimes horrified by the noises he heard coming from outside, never knowing quite what was out there. At least his father had updated all the locks before he left. 

Another ghost, but one that managed to escape.

The more Matteo thought about it, everyone in his house was a ghost in some way. His father left, leaving almost no trace except for the money that went into the house and Matteo’s bank account, keeping the place safe and livable for a young adult who had never lived on his own before. His mother was also gone, but her departure was much more like something out of an actual scary story. He didn’t like to think about it.

Matteo filled the silence of the empty house with music. He had begged (guilted) his father into buying him a set of bluetooth speakers that were always playing something, usually quieter stuff or instrumentals when he was feeling it. It helped make the house feel more alive, make Matteo feel more alive and connected to the world, and honestly helped hide the noises that would come from any direction with no warning.

He knew that he could also feel more connected to the word if he ever went out into it, but it had been a few months. Sometimes Jonas or Hanna would come over, but people didn’t tend to stay long. He could get why, but it didn’t make him feel better about it. He couldn’t control where he lived, his family was making sure of that. Something about the house being in their family since it was built, it was an important piece of their history, whatever. Matteo was just waiting for some distant cousin of his to call him and say they’re moving in; he was pretty sure he had heard whispers of it happening soon.

The only times he really saw people, besides the couple times a month his friends would dare to enter the house, was when he went out to buy food or weed, the only essentials he had been restocking. He couldn’t remember the last time he got a new shirt, or pair of shoes. He sometimes worried that he had forgotten how to communicate outside of simple small talk and asking for an ounce, with how little he saw people. He didn’t even know if the people physically closest to him could be considered neighbors, as the amount of miles his property took up was too much for him to think about. He sure as hell never saw them around.

Which was why it was so strange when Matteo saw him for the first time.

He wasn’t as scared as he should’ve been to see a dark figure creeping around his property. He was mostly confused, as he lived far enough from any real towns that he had to actually learn how to drive, and had an old pickup truck parked outside to prove it. He looked out the other windows, and didn’t see any cars or anything else outside. It was dark out, and especially dark with the trees around him, and he didn’t even have any lights on his house besides the small lamp next to the couch and his TV. He had been watching something when he noticed the person.

He started wondering if it even was a person. There were tons of wild animals that could have come out of the woods, sniffing around his property looking for scraps. He had seen bears behind his house before, and there was no reason to assume that the thing outside was a person.

Until, as Matteo watched from the window, there was a bright flash from where the figure was standing. Matteo jumped back, yanked the curtain closed, his heart pounding in his chest. He had no clue what the flash was but it confirmed that there was definitely a person behind his house.

The person was still far away, right at the edge of the woods, and Matteo didn’t feel like he was in any imminent danger. He slid the curtain open the tiniest bit, just enough so he could peek an eye out, and saw another flash. After that second flash the figure stood still for a moment, and then bent down, and stood up, lifting what looked like a bike up off the ground. The person mounted the bike, and rode away quickly. Matteo watched the bike disappear in the direction he knew the road was, and he let out a breath.

It might have just been a weird neighbor who got turned around on a nightly bike ride, even though he had been warned since he was a baby to not go outside his house without some kind of light to scare away potential animals. Or maybe it was someone from some organization in his area, making sure the properties were being taken care of. Matteo thought of a million excuses, all of them seeming rational enough to not panic. He triple checked his locks before going to bed, and everything looked good, so he made sure his phone was fully charged and he pulled an old baseball bat out of a closet just in case. Better safe than sorry.

He was still thinking about it the next morning, as he stood at the door leading out the back of his house, steaming a mug of coffee clutched in both hands. No matter the season it was always freezing in the mornings where he lived, and to compensate he was wearing his purple jacket over a sweater over a long-sleeved shirt, two pairs of sweatpants, and a pair of fuzzy rainbow socks over a more boring white pair. The socks had been a gift from Abdi his first birthday after coming out to them, and he had rolled his eyes in the moment but they quickly became his favorite things to slip on in the morning.

He took a sip of the coffee as he stared over the grass leading to the woods, feeling warmth spread all the way to the tips of his fingers. He leaned back against the doorframe, took another sip and then dropped his head back and closed his eyes. He hadn’t slept great the night before, still too full of adrenaline from the person on the bike to even close his eyes. He shivered a little, remembering the previous night, and looked out again, at the spot where he had first noticed the figure. 

He was about to turn away, go back inside to text Jonas about the whole thing and joke about it to make himself feel less nervous, but his eyes caught on something. Something flat and dark, lying in the grass, he couldn’t quite make it out but it looked like a book. He stared at it for a good few minutes, and then placed his coffee cup down and wrapped his arms around himself, shoved his feet in the boots he kept by the door, and started walking towards the woods.

There was a wet chill in the air, and he could see his breath as it shakily left his lips. His heart was pounding again, his hands shaking a little where they were clutching his sides, but he strode on, his eyes fixed on the book. He reached the spot, and stood some feet away, glancing around as if the person was going to come running out and snatch the book out from under him. He didn’t see anyone, didn’t hear anything besides the usual morning song of the birds around him, and the rustling trees, and he bent down as quick as he could and grabbed the book.

It was cold, was what he noticed at first, so much so that he almost dropped it right away. He wrapped his hand in his sleeve and looked at it, his second observation being that it seemed to be a journal or something, with no title on the cover or the side, the front and back a dark, brown leather. He tucked it under his arm and quickly shuffled back inside, closing the door behind him and putting the book next to his coffee so he could reabsorb some warmth. Once he could feel his hands again, he looked at the book, and felt a chill go through him that wasn’t from the cold. 

Great, he thought to himself, his breathing picking up as he did so, the mysterious dark figure creeping around your backyard in the dark totally isn’t going to be mad that you took their journal. They totally aren’t going to come get it back and they totally aren’t going to have a weapon and they totally aren’t going to kill you when they see that the only person here is a scrawny gay baby who hasn’t even talked to another person in two weeks.

Not the most helpful path for his mind to take. His eyes were still fixed on the book, his brain spitting out thousands of awful things that could be inside it, and he quickly walked over and flipped the cover open. And he titled his head.

The first thing he saw wasn’t words like he was expecting, but what looked like a drawing stuck onto what Matteo thought was a photograph. The background was a dark tree, the black leaves clear and crisp against the background, and the sketch on top was of a bird. It was cool, even if it belonged to someone who was going to come kill Matteo to get it back.

[He flipped the next page, and saw a drawing of a boy in what looked like a dress, with his fist up, and an angry face. He flipped to the next one and saw some sketches of a few different random faces, probably not random to whoever owned the book. He kept looking through the pages, eventually grabbing the book and turning page after page as he started his usual ghostly path around the house. (change to more generic creepy sketches/photographs of houses and Matteo realizes that that’s probably why he was taking pics but he keeps flipping and sees some more personal sketches and some of people)

He must have flipped through hundreds of sketches, photographs stuck onto paper, and combinations of the two, which he knew there was a word for but he couldn’t think of it no matter how hard he tried. When he got to the last page, a little disappointed to be nearing the end, he saw one blank page. The page right before it had a fox, with writing at the bottom that Matteo didn’t read before his attention was caught by the only completely white page in the book.]

He shook his head, dropping the book back onto the table in his kitchen, deciding to forget about it until he ate something and called Jonas to whine to him about it.

He walked to his fridge and pulled it open, frowning when he noticed how empty it was. He sighed as he realized that he needed to go shopping, and looked in all the drawers, only finding a few random pieces of fruit, some tupperwares of old leftovers that he needed to throw out, and some beer. He really needed to go shopping. He pulled the freezer open and smiled when he saw a carton of ice cream he had forgotten he had bought. He wasn’t below eating ice cream for breakfast.

He pulled it out and set it on the counter, and heard a sudden thud thud thud on the wall closest to him. He jumped, but rolled his eyes, and said out loud, “I’m sorry Helena, but I don’t have anything else!”

There was another thud and then quiet, and then a weird scraping sound that got quieter and farther away. He didn’t have names for all of the ghosts in his house, but there were a few prominent ones. He had made up a story about Helena, an old cook who died in a tragic onion slicing incident, who was going to spend the rest of her days scolding anyone in the house for inadequately feeding themselves. He would hear thud anytime he reached for candy over fruit, or pizza over vegetables, or made another pot of spaghetti instead of learning how to make anything else, or closed the fridge without taking anything out. Helena was the loudest by far.

He happily ate his ice cream, and then called Jonas. Jonas not only sounded worried, but a little annoyed at Matteo’s lack of worry about the whole situation. 

“Bro, you saw someone creeping around near your house in the middle of the night, found a fucking journal in the same place the next morning, and decided to take it?” Jonas asked, his voice getting higher and higher as he spoke, “do you want to get killed?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time someone died in this house,” Matteo joked back, making a ghostly wooing noise into the phone, but Jonas didn’t seem to find the humor in the situation.

“Do you want me to come stay for a few days?”

Matteo snorted, “You? Staying over at my house? Jonas, you can barely spend five minutes here without pissing yourself.”

“It’s not my fault that my best friend lives in a fucking haunted house, but I’ll come stay if you if you need me too. I honestly might do it anyway.” Jonas said, and Matteo rolled his eyes.

“Dude, I’m fine. Weirder things have happened here.” He didn’t know how true that was, but he was hoping it would just further deter Jonas from wanting to come by. He didn’t want to spend a week with Jonas jumping at every tiny noise, insulting the ghosts that Matteo considered his friends. That might’ve been a bit of an exaggeration, but it wasn’t fun to have people in your home who were so obviously uncomfortable. 

“Well, call me the second anything else happens,” Jonas said, and then said, “no, call the police first, and then call me. Promise?”

“I’m not going to call the police, dude.”

“Matteo,” Jonas said, suddenly serious in a way that made Matteo shut up, the smile slipping from his face, “I already worry about you so fucking much being out there alone, can you at least promise me that you’ll be smart about this?”

Matteo bit his lip, feeling guilty. He didn’t know Jonas worried about him so much. He sighed out, “Okay, okay, if I see anything I’ll call the police, and then you, and anyone else you think I should.”

“Probably Amira too, but don’t tell her about this because she’ll come there and kill you before that other person even has the chance.”

Matteo laughed, and heard Jonas chuckle on the other end. He did really appreciate that his friends cared about him, but he kind of wished they would show it in ways that didn’t involve him getting scolded.

“I’m definitely not going to tell her,” Matteo laughed again, and then got quiet and his own kind of serious and said, “and thanks, dude. I’m sorry I’m scaring you, but I promise I’ll be safe and if I’m not someone will know.”

“Okay, good,” Jonas sounded relieved, “and I will come visit soon, okay? I miss you, man.”

Matteo smiled. They ended the conversation, Jonas relieved that Matteo wasn’t just going to let fate take its course with things. He went back to his fridge after, started looking through the cupboards too, and made a list of everything he needed. He got himself dressed and ready to go out, and hopped in his car and started the engine.

And it didn’t start. He turned the key again, and again, and finally on the fifth try the pickup roared to life. His car was a piece of shit but it usually got him from point A to point B, so he couldn’t complain. He also didn’t have the money for a new one at all, and was planning on selling it whenever he moved to the city. He hated driving.

He made his trip out as quick as possible, feeling strange with all of the eyes of the other store patrons on him. Nobody was actually looking at him but he was so unused to being around people, especially as many as were crowded into the aisles. He grabbed everything he needed and had paid and was back in his car in under twenty minutes, a new record. He blasted music as he made the drive back to his house, and brought the groceries in and shoved them in the fridge with little thought. 

He lazed around for the rest of the day until he realized he should probably start making food, and he eyed the fresh produce he had bought, trying to remember the last time he had ingested a vegetable, and he grabbed a bag of spinach and a few other things to make some nutrition-packed eggs to make up for his ice cream breakfast. There was a quiet bang on the wall next to the fridge, Helena’s usual way of giving her approval for Matteo’s food choices. 

The sky had darkened as he was cooking, and he was standing in the middle of his kitchen eating the eggs out of the pan with the spatula, because why not, when he saw movement out the window. He paused with the last forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth as he tried to focus his eyes in the almost pitch black outside, and they suddenly caught on what he could only assume was the same person as the night before, standing in the exact spot Matteo had found the book, standing perfectly still. 

He held his breath. The figure didn’t move for a while, at least not that Matteo could see, and he put the pan down on the counter, his hands shaking hard as he grabbed at his pocket for his phone. He had just dialed Jonas’ number, not wanting to jump to the police quite yet, when the person suddenly whipped around, grabbed their bike, and rode away, much faster than the night before. Matteo lost track of what direction the person was going in, and his eyes widened as he started panicking that that direction was towards his house.

He dropped his phone, probably the dumbest thing he could have done in the situation, and stood there hyperventilating until he caught the briefest glimpse of what had to be the figure on the bike, once again following the path back to the road. It didn’t completely calm Matteo’s nerves because the person knew that the book was gone, knew that the only house for miles around was Matteo’s and the speed that the person had left at was a little concerning. Not enough for Matteo to call Jonas, but he spent another night wide awake, eyes wide open, on the couch because for some reason it felt safer. He passed out from pure tiredness just as the sun started to creep up over the trees.

And then nothing, for a few days. Matteo found himself constantly glancing towards the windows, sure he was going to see someone right outside brandishing a weapon and demanding entry, the book, and Matteo’s life. He didn’t know why he was so sure that the person was going to kill him for taking it, but it just seemed like the kind of thing that would happen to him. He’d just become an actual ghost and haunt whatever random family member they shoved in the place to keep it in the family.

No, nothing happened until a few days later. Matteo had even started feeling less tense, his eyes darting to the window less, less convinced that he had even needed to be worried in the first place. It wasn’t the first time he had seen someone in the woods near his house, even though all of those times had been during the day and he had at least one parent in the house. It really wasn’t that big of a deal.

Until he was making himself breakfast one morning. He hadn’t wanted to hear it from Helena so he was making eggs again, with peppers instead of spinach for some variety, and he heard a bamg that didn’t sound like one of his usual visitors. He froze, but didn’t hear anything else so he continued sliding his spatula around the pan. He gasped when there was another sudden bang, and few more, and what sounded like something pounding on his door until there was a crack, and even though he wasn’t in the room he could tell by the sound that his door had been forced open.

He turned the stove off, and then again, froze completely in place. His eyes were darting around the room, eyeing the knife on the counter and the thick wooden rolling pin that was leaning out of the sink. He had options to protect himself, if only he could fucking move. He heard footsteps, heavy ones, loud ones, and he snapped into action. He grabbed the rolling pin and strode out of the room, filled with enough adrenaline to be convinced that he could take whoever had just broken into his house.

It didn’t take long for him to find the intruder. He was facing away from Matteo, and when Matteo spotted him he stopped moving. He didn’t see any weapons in the person’s hand, could only really see a large black jacket, black backpack, black pants, black shoes, and the back of a head of curly, dark hair.

Matteo shifted his weight and felt his blood run cold when the floor under him creaked. The person whipped around, and yelled out a terrified, “What the fuck?”

They stared at each other in a shocked silence. The guy in front of him didn’t seem too scary, or like he had come to kill Matteo for stealing his book. He looked scared himself, his bright brown eyes still wide, his lips parted.

“I thought-” the guy stuttered out, shaking his head in shock, “I thought this place was abandoned.”

Matteo tilted his head, wondering if he really was a fucking ghost, or maybe his house was abandoned and he was just considered abandoned along with it. He took a breath when the guy tilted his head back, and then quickly said, “Well, nobody told me that.”

He didn’t know why he was trying to joke around with the person who had just broken into his house. Remembering that fact he felt his breathing speed up a bit, his hands clenching tighter around the rolling pin, and he must have moved it enough to be noticed, because the guy quickly raised his arms, with his palms out as if Matteo had told him to put his hands up and drop any weapons.

“I promise, I really thought this place was abandoned,” he said quickly, stuttering over his words, “I’m a photographer, I take pictures of abandoned places. I promise I didn’t know anyone lived here. Please don’t call the police, this isn’t the first time I’ve accidentally broken in somewhere and they don’t like me very much.”

Matteo furrowed his brows. He noticed the strap around the other’s neck, leading down to a very fancy looking camera gently resting against his chest. His story seemed to check out, so it would have made sense for Matteo to kick the guy out with some stern words, and go to the store and buy the strongest locks on the market.

He didn’t of course, because he’s Matteo, but what he did do was drop the rolling pin to his side and ask, “What’s your name?”

The guy smiled at him, and Matteo couldn’t help but notice that it was a really great smile, and said, “I’m David, and I’m really sorry I kicked your door in. I’ll pay to replace it, and to get you new locks because the ones you have definitely aren’t doing their job.”

“Yeah, obviously,” Matteo snorted, and at the expectant look from David said, “I’m Matteo. And this place is haunted, so it’s good you weren’t trying to break in. Well, trying to break in to do something bad.”

David’s eyes lit up, and he asked, his smile growing, “Haunted?”

“Yep.” Matteo replied, popping the p, smiling when from behind him he heard what sounded like a doorknob being shaken, and then a door creaking and a thud, and said, “that one’s Timmy. He died from shock after walking in on his parents having sex.”

David laughed, his grin growing bigger until his eyes were almost shut from it, and Matteo had to tell himself that it was not the time to start ogling. Just because a boy with the prettiest smile Matteo had ever seen and the nicest laugh he had ever heard was in front of him didn’t mean he had to fall for him. Especially considering the guy had broken into his house.

David started looking around, his eyes only staying on each feature of the house for a second before moving on, and Matteo got so lost in watching his calculating gaze that he jumped when he suddenly said, “This place is amazing, when was it built?”

“Um, I don’t really know,” Matteo said, trying to think back in his memory because he was sure someone told him at some point, “a long ass time ago.”

David laughed again. Matteo’s stomach fluttered at it and he quickly turned around, running his hand over the top of some cabinet that was probably hundreds of years older than him.

“If you want,” he started, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Jonas yelling at him not to, “you can still take pictures here. If you want it to look authentic you might have to move my Switch and the flatscreen but I’m sure we can work something out.

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to intrude, I’ve already done that enough.” David replied, shaking his head, though his eyes were still roving around the room, his fingers twitching towards the camera around his neck.

Matteo shrugged, “You wouldn’t be intruding. I don’t really do much, as long as you don’t steal my shit or look through my stuff I don’t really care.”

It was dumb as fuck for him to offer a complete stranger free range of his home, his home in the middle of nowhere, a complete stranger who again, had broken into his house, but it didn’t seem like he needed to be scared of David. He seemed nice, and was way too apologetic about the situation to have any ulterior motives. Matteo hoped, at least. And what did he really care if a cute boy came around a few times to take pictures of his house?

“Are you sure? I can pay you a bit, or have my sister bake you something in return. Is there anything you want?”

Matteo smirked, and said, “Just knock next time and you’re good.”

David smiled back, held a hand out, and said, “You’ve got a deal.”

Matteo grabbed his hand, but quickly pulled away when the second their skin touched, he felt a shock. He looked at his hand, and then back at David who was doing the same, and said, “Might have to cancel that arrangement if you have superpowers.”

“Well, you live in a haunted house, how do I know you aren’t a ghost? Maybe I shouldn’t be accepting offers from ghouls anyway.” David quipped, the corners of his mouth turning up.

“A little late for that, we did shake on it.” Matteo replied, smiling at the back and forth. He hadn’t had such smooth conversation with someone who wasn’t a close friend in years. He kept trying to remind himself that David was there in his house because he broke in, kept trying to stare at the scratches on his boots from kicking the door in, but his eyes were always drawn back up to David’s face.

“Good point,” David said with a grin, and then he looked towards the door, and continued, “I should probably go, I’m sure you’re busy.”

Matteo looked down at himself, at his sweatpants and shirt that had a stain on it, and his rainbow fuzzy socks because of course he was wearing those, and said, “Yeah, lots of important business to take care of.”

“Like buying new locks? And making sure I didn’t break your door? And making sure you get the receipt for everything so I can pay you back?”

“Yep.” Matteo said, popping the p again, blushing when David smiled at him.

“I’ll let you get to that,” he said, and then his face dropped and he said, “and again, I’m so sorry about all of this. I can’t believe I broke into your house and you’re being kind to me.”

“Maybe I just want someone else here for the ghosts to focus on,” he said, and grinned when there was a bang from somewhere behind him, “It can get a little tiring.”

David looked thrilled, and started heading towards the door, calling out on his way, “I can’t wait!”

Matteo watched him walk out the door with a wink thrown over his shoulder, and walked over to the nearest wall, pressed his back against it, and slid down until his ass hit the floor. He dropped his head into his hands, and muttered to himself, “What the fuck just happened?”

There was a quiet knock on the wall a couple of inches away from his head, and he didn’t know who it was from but he appreciated it nonetheless.

***

Matteo made the executive decision to tell absolutely nobody that the first thing he did when someone broke into his house was invite him back. He knew that Jonas would be in a car on his way over in a second just to yell at Matteo in person, and he was sure Amira would learn how to teleport so she could get there first to kick his ass. He figured it was better to keep them in the dark until David turned out to actually be a murderer or something.

He did realize, about an hour after the entire situation happened while waiting for an employee at the hardware store he went to to get him the strongest locks they sold, that he and David hadn’t actually arranged a time for him to come. He didn’t have his number either obviously. And with these new locks he won’t even be able to break in if you don’t answer the door, Matteo thought to himself, laughing just as the employee walked back over. He shot Matteo a strange look as he handed the locks over, and Matteo bought them and left as quickly as he could.

It didn’t really matter too much because a few days later, just as Matteo was twisting the end of a joint he had just rolled, there was a knock on the door. He paused, knowing immediately that it was David because nobody ever came to visit him. He tucked the joint behind his ear and got up, shaking the nerves out of his hands as he walked to the door. He didn’t want to admit how much of his nerves were purely because David was attractive. 

He pulled the door open and felt all the air rush out of him. David was standing there with a huge grin on his face, wearing a simple tee shirt and shorts, the camera around his neck and a bag strapped to his back. He tilted his head when Matteo didn’t say anything.

“Hey,” he said finally, stepping back and inviting David in with a slight bow and sweep of his arm, “enter if you dare.”

David took in a dramatic breath and closed his eyes as he stepped over the threshold, and then opened them again, darting around in faux fear at the surroundings. Matteo rolled his own, and crossed his arms over his chest, not really knowing what to say.

Thankfully David seemed to want to get right into working, and he stepped further into the house, his eyes darting around again with actual interest as he studied the foyer of the house. “Can we start in the kitchen?”

Matteo nodded and led him that way, hoping that he had cleaned up from cooking breakfast that morning. He was pleased to see no pots or pans out on the counters, and nothing in the sink, either. David looked around, smiling at the older features and furniture and stepped forward to look closer at the cabinets. He ran his hand over the wood, and then stepped back again, raised the camera to his face, and pressed his finger down. There was a click, the sound of the shutter going off, and then David pulled the camera away from his eye and started clicking through the buttons on it. He turned, took a picture of the open space of the kitchen, and then checked that one too.

[banghwa]

Nb ask anon here, tysm for answerring the ask about how u came to terms with ur gender, it's always insightful to see what other trans people have to say about their experiences even if I cant relate to everything u said, I guess for me I started to notice that I wanted to present more masc than i used to, I've 'been' a cis girl all my life and a rather girly one to be honest (although I think part of that is because I've been forced to do so).

But when people call me women or girl smth just.. doesnt sound right to me to be honest, like I know I'm not a man but a woman seems also kinda.... "strong", I just want to put wlw as my gender to be honest ajsjkssks I know that doesnt make sense but it's the only thing I know for sure in my life and also they/them pronouns are cool too I guess lol but anything besides that seems so alien to me, like for example my name, it's not that I dislike it but I've always been reluctant to search for a new one, it's like taking a step in a direction, THAT direction u know what I mean

Ugh then there's the whole presentation problem of like I kinda like to look fem but not for certain people but I definitely wanna look more masc or even gnc, like I want people to look at me and not "be able" to assume what I am u know but also sometimes girly things are pretty so fml

Anyways this gender shit is so complicated jules like it takes so much experimenting and shit and I'm just like ugh why cant I just KNOW things right now

(Sorry for the rant but u just seemed very trustworthy and helpful in the 1st ask)

omg pls dont apologize, im more than happy that your trust me enough to talk to me about something to personal <3 but yess i rly love hearing how everyone defines their gender its so interesting how we're all so different but also the same, its very comforting i feel. (answered under the cut bcs it got long lol)

thats actually really similar to how i started exploring my gender! i am a very feminine person but when i started figuring out my sexuality i also started realizing how much i disliked being read as feminine by other people despite liking being feminine. and how much i liked more masculine compliments and indentifiers. i started out id-ing as a cis bi girl and then a bi nb guy and then bi trans guy and then gay nb and now nb lesbian so its BEEN a process lmao and i know how frustrating it is to feel like you dont have it all figured out or to think you have it figured out only for you to realize it doesnt quite fit anymore later on. it feels a lot like you have to restart the whole process, but in reality i think its more of a checkpoint, ya know? sometimes we have to make a lot of stops and try out a lot of things before we find something that fits and thats totally fine. for me it was like. when i realized i was not cis it felt like running as far away as i would from my agab and then slowly coming back to poke it with a stick kjgfhkj.

and its definetly so complicated when you feel like the terms you want to identify with are "contradictory," we don't really have the vocabulary in english to describe how we experience our gender properly most of the time and some things just dont fit and its hard to explain exactly *why* to someone who doesnt Get It. but maybe its partially a blessing in disguise, bcs it lets us really test things out and play around until it feels right. you can definetly id your gender as wlw, i personally describe my gender as "lesbian" bcs i feel thats the only thing that still ties me to "womanhood." i do get what you mean tho, it was really scary for me too to start using "contradictory" identifiers, like im a lesbian but i use he/they pronouns and i like presenting fem but i hate when people assume im a woman or straight because of it. it really is frustrating trying to figure all this out when everyone around you treats gender like something they get to project onto you and feeling like you need to play into that in order to feel "real." i still have a lot of trouble detatching my gender identity from other peoples assumptions and expectations, so it feels a bit hypocritical to try to give advice on that lol, but i think it all comes back to figuring out what *you* want first and foremost, having trusted people who you can talk to and experiment with, and seeing it as a learning opportunity more than a "goal" or "destination."

it definetly is so frustrating but you're not the only one <3 im sorry happy that you're taking the time to explore what feels right to you even though its daunting to admit that to yourself. some steps like trying a different name can ESPECIALLY be really challenging and scary and it takes so much courage to admit that thats even a potential, im so proud of you honey and i wish you all the best <33 im always here and happy to talk if you want to

[n1ghtm3ds]

Waittt tell us about the fakeboi drama going on

Ugh its this kid who bummed around the area i went to school with who is like well into his 30's and still really into being "punk" and we got into a fight over a Dave Chapelle meme and in the end he blocked me which displeases me because Im on speed and kpins and want to keep fighting a libtard.

Like total 2010 "sex positive" feminist who slept around with everyone and dropped out of school but still stayed in town and survived off the fact that he was disabled and got all his disability money to spend on drugs because his parents are loaded (which is why he is able to get so much in disability so young they could afford a good lawyer he gets it for autism which ive been fighting to get it for years and am still stuck in the loop of the appeals process).

as soon as he started visibly aging out of the "hot college town girl" pool and turned like 30 he came out as a trans man but changed nothing about his life/appearance, just insisted he was a man now, and its like bro you aren't a man you're a traumatized girl with BPD and a bad case of peter pan syndrome trying to stay relevant after your appearance stopped getting you enough attention.

Like at least get a buzzcut for a few months or something, dye it blue, call yourself a fucking unicorn pastel prince, thats somehow less embarrassing than doing literally absolutely fucking nothing at all and just being like "Im a man now or you want me to DIE" and also he fetishizes the idea that any man he slept with is "now gay" that was literally in his coming out post and he was involved in an incident where fleas were spread at an orgy hosted by my former boss but that's a whole nother cup of worms he wasn't even the grossest person at that orgy

But like sorry bro you cant identify out of all the dicks you've taken back when being cute and sexually available was your social currency

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 8 - The Finale

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 6.7K

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @the-moving-finger-writes​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @rose-writes-prose​, @queenlover05​, @moon-stars-soul​, @danadeacon​, @deacyblues​, @thesundrop​, @cupidben​, @lostlittlenerd​, @delilahmay39​, @timmvrphy​, @queenmylovely​, @loveandbeloved29​, @free-pool-trash​, @fairestkillerqueenofall​, @local-troubled-writer​, @babyalienfairy​, @littlecarowrites​, @allthethingsicant​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @mirkwoodshewolf​, @squishy-gay-astronaut​, @sherlollydramoine​, @butlegendsneverdie​, @dogmom2014​, @rocketrhap917​, @26-7-49​, @lelifesaver​, @frozenhuntress67​, @drowsebaby​, @mrhoemazzello​, @lookuptotheskiesandsee​, @seasidecrowbar​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: Alright, Y/N finally chooses! The fic isn’t quite over because there’s still the After the Final Rose! Find out if Y/N is still happy since filming ended AND find out who the next Bachelor is!

Warning(s): This chapter features an anxiety attack. As well a bunch of mushy love stuff.

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3  Week 4  Week 5  Week 6  Week 7  The Men Tell All

Week 8/Finale here we go!!!

The next part of the journey took you to the South Island, in Queenstown. It was a smaller city, but breathtakingly beautiful. Imagining yourself getting engaged here was easy. The hard part was who you imagined getting down on one knee. You felt like your heart was being torn clear in half between Ben and Joe. 

“I am in love with two men,” you said to the camera. “I had a feeling this is how the journey would go, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I have really clear pictures of what my future would be like with each of these men, and I’m struggling...I don’t know what’s going to happen right now, and it’s really scary.”

Your accommodations in your hotel were stunning. You had a great view of the skyline. But it was difficult to appreciate knowing that the end was near and you were going to break someone’s heart. Maybe even your own. As you looked out over Queenstown, your stomach dropped at the thought.

After a day to recover from travel, you had your first date. It was with Ben. You were meeting him at a marina for a cruise around Lake Wakatipu. He beamed at you when he caught sight of you, and your heart soared. For a little while, you could just focus on him and not worry about this process.

“Hi!” you called as he reached you.

He picked you up into his arms and spun you around as you laughed.

“Hello, love,” he returned after setting you down.

Then he planted a kiss on your lips that told you just how much he had missed you.

“So today, we’re taking a relaxing cruise around Lake Wakatipu,” you told him. “It’s a beautiful day to be on the water.”

“It is,” he agreed.

The sun shone brightly, making the lake look like glass in motion. Ben took your hand and helped you onto the boat that was at the dock. The captain took you all slowly out of the marina before hitting the open water. Still, his pace was even and steady, since you and Ben were toward the bow, sitting on pillows, drinks in hand. 

“Cheers to a lovely day,” he said. “With the loveliest woman in the world.”

“Cheers,” you replied with a grin.

You kissed before taking your sips.

The lake was stunning. The water was a perfect, crystal shade of blue. The surrounding mountains were lush with foliage, still blooming from the summer warmth. The sun beat down, but there was a soft breeze to keep you cool. 

“So, tell me how you’re feeling going into this week,” you said after swallowing the crisp champagne.

“I’m feeling great,” he told you. “I think we’ve come such a long way, and...well, I love you, Y/N. That’s all I really can say. I’m not great with words.”

You giggled. “Ben, you’re fine. I love you too. I’m really happy with where we are.”

“You sure there’s nothing else you need from me?” he asked.

“Not a thing,” you said. “Just keep being honest and loving me, and I’ll do the same for you, okay?”

“You’ve got a deal,” he said.

You kissed on it. 

The rest of the cruise was beautiful. The New Zealand scenery never ceased to amaze you. And the fact that you were experiencing it with Ben made the vision all the sweeter. You had a little Titanic moment on the ship. His arms around you made you feel like you could remain in them always. Your future with him seemed as bright and limitless as the horizon. 

The afternoon came to a close and it was time to prepare for the evening portion of the date. As you put your makeup on, you found yourself thinking about Joe. Would your time with him be as pleasant and productive as Ben’s? If so, what would you do? If not, could you really let him go? You needed more clarity. 

Ben: I’m in love with Y/N. I’m ready to propose to her. I know she’s the person I’m meant to love forever. I can’t put my finger on how I know it, I just...know it. 

You met Ben at his hotel room. His adoring smile greeted you before his arms did. You inhaled his scent for a moment as you whispered intimate hellos. Then he stepped back and allowed you inside. 

The room was decorated nicely. Candles lit across the surfaces. Champagne chilled and ready. It was all so perfect. You toasted to each other before sipping the champagne. 

“It looks nice in here, Ben,” you praised. “Is it always this clean?”

“I’m actually quite a tidy person, so yeah,” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s sit down and relax.”

You followed him to the couch, where he poured you each a glass of wine. You took sips and then set the glass aside to take his hand in yours. You tried to smile.

“So, tell me what you’re feeling,” you said. “Other than loving me.”

“I mean, I am nervous about later this week,” he said. “The thought of proposing to you doesn’t really scare me, but the fact that there’s someone else here who also wants that….that’s terrifying to think about.”

You sighed. “I know it’s scary, Ben, but this is all part of the process.”

“I know,” he said. “I know what I signed up for. But that doesn’t make it any easier. My heart’s on the line, Y/N. You’re the first woman I’ve ever really loved. You’re the only woman I ever want to love. You must understand why it makes me so uneasy.”

“I know, and I do,” you told him, interlocking your fingers with his. “I love you too. I’m struggling with this too. I want you to understand that you’re not alone in being scared and nervous. This isn’t any easier for me.”

“We are both struggling, but in different ways,” he said. “I know you don’t want to hurt me or Joe. You’re an incredibly kind person - it’s one of the things I admire most about you - but you were right when you said it’s part of the process.”

You nodded. “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

“I’m sorry you are,” he returned.

“At least we have each other,” you tried to joke.

He let out a small laugh, but then looked seriously at you.

“Look, Y/N, this process is not something either of us really thought would be this difficult,” he said. “But no matter what happens - good or bad - I will always be grateful to have met you.”

You held his eyes as your own began to shine with emotion.

“You’ve shown me what it is to really fall in love,” he said. “And I know you understand how special that is.”

“Ben…”

A tear slid down your cheek and then he gathered you up in his arms, pulling you onto his lap. He held you there for a long moment. Neither of you spoke, weighing the gravity of the situation. Because the next time you saw each other, you would either be getting engaged or breaking up. 

“I know you can’t promise me anything,” he said. “But I wanted to share what was on my heart. I love you very much.”

“I love you too, Ben,” you replied softly.

The rest of the evening was spent on lighter subjects. You were glad both your feelings were out in the open, and that you each understood how hard this was on both sides of it. Ben made sharing so easy, and you ached for a longer week. More time to explore what was there. But you also considered that would make things harder. You stood to leave, Ben’s hand still in yours as he walked you to the door.

“Good night, love,” he said.

“Good night,” you returned.

He placed a gentle kiss on your lips. His hand fell slowly away from yours. Your skin felt cold without the contact of his. Your eyes lingered on each other. 

Without another word, you turned and walked down the hallway. You heard his door click shut. As difficult as that conversation was, you were relieved you had it. Your heart was now looking forward to your date with Joe. There was a twinge of fear that Joe’s date would make your decision all the more difficult.

The next day,  you had your date with Joe. You were meeting him at Gibbston Valley Winery. It was a bright, sunny day, so the fields looked bright green and lovely. You grinned at Joe as he approached you, taking you into his arms and kissing you deeply. You hummed into it, feeling content and happy.

“Hi there,” you said brightly.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he returned.

“I’ve missed you too,” you assured him. “I’m glad we have this day together.”

“What are we getting up to?” he wondered.

“We are at Gibbston Valley Winery,” you told him. “We are going to take a tour and taste some wine.”

“Sounds like a classy day for me and my classy lady,” he joked.

You laughed. “Come on, you goof.”

Joe never failed to make you smile. Today, as he took your hand and led you inside, was no different. You found it easy to let go of your apprehensions and just enjoy your time with him.

Your guide first took you out to the field and showed you how they grew the grapes. They showed you how they collected them and juiced them before taking them to be fermented. They took you next to the wine cave, where there were barrels and bottles all over the place. It looked like something out of another world. Like the cellar of an old castle or something.

Your guide led you all through the “cave,” explaining how the wine was organized and how they chose which barrels were ready for bottling. When you got to the bottles, he had you stop, and he picked one up. It was a deep red wine and the label was blank.

“This bottle was finished today,” he said. “Remind me your names, and we’ll put it on the bottle to commemorate your special day.”

“Joe and Y/N,” you said.

The guide wrote it out in a surprisingly beautiful script across the label. 

“Before we cork it, would you like to try it?” he offered.

“Absolutely,” said Joe.

The guide grabbed two glasses, and poured about a gulp into each. You and Joe made a small “cheers” and then took the sip. It was smooth, fruity, and rich in flavor. It warmed you from the inside out, which made you think it was the perfect wine to be made for you and Joe.

“What d’you think?” the guide asked.

“It’s amazing,” you said upon swallowing. 

“I agree,” Joe added. “This is the best red I’ve had in a while.”

“Tell you what,” the guide said. “I’m gonna cork this bottle and save it for you. We’ll keep it until your next special occasion.”

“How sweet,” you said. “We’ll save it for our wedding.”

You looked at Joe and beamed. An expression he shared. 

“We’re looking forward to it,” the guide said. “I’ll go take care of this, you two head to the bar, get something to drink, have a chat, and good luck to you.”

“Thank you,” Joe replied.

The guide took your glasses with him to be washed, and you and Joe headed over to the bar. You ordered two glasses of wine and then went back outside to enjoy the sunshine and the view. Joe pulled out a chair for you at one of the tables and you sat across from each other. He offered his hand, which you took.

“I like learning stuff like this,” he said. “It gives me so many ideas for the restaurant.”

“I bet,” you said. “You guys sell beer and wine there, right?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Although, our wine is always Italian given the nature of the place.”

You giggled. “That’s right.”

“Never tell my mother this, but I think New Zealand wine is just as good,” he joked.

“Your secret is safe with me,” you returned. “I’ll never tell Virginia what a traitor her son is.”

He feigned offense before sipping his wine with a soft smile.

“Are you really into wine?” you wondered.

“I love wine,” he said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I also love sharing a cold one with the boys or whatever, but there’s a sort of romance to wine that I really like. My dad once took the whole family to Rioja to see the wineries out there, and I gotta say, it was amazing.”

“Rioja?” you questioned. “That’s in Spain.”

“I know, we were making an exception,” he said with a shrug. “We’d already seen a few in Italy.”

“Your mom told me about some of the trips you all used to take,” you said. “I thought it was amazing that your parents shared experiencing the world with you and your siblings.”

“It’s definitely something I want to do with my kids,” Joe said.

“I gotta tell you, Joe, a future with you is so clear to me,” you blurted out. “I see it. The marriage, the kids, the house, life at the restaurant. God, it’s as clear to me as your face right now.”

“How does it make you feel?” he asked.

“Happier than I even knew I was capable of feeling,” you said.

“If you let me,” he said, holding your gaze. “I’d like to make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life.”

You sucked in a sharp breath, but didn’t look away. There, in his eyes, you saw the promise he was making to you. Joe was telling you that you could expect a proposal from him. You struggled to form a response. You could not yet promise him acceptance of a proposal. Happy as you were here, there was still Ben, who mattered a great deal to you.

Joe: What Y/N and I have is so amazing. I love her so much. I just want to get down on one knee and propose already! Right here at the winery, I don’t even care!

“Joe,” you said through a sigh. “I love you.”

It felt like a meek response considering the implications of his statement. Even so, he smiled.

“I love you too,” he said. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot or anything. I just want you to know where I’m at.”

God, he read you so well.

“I’m glad to know that,” you said. “I wish I could tell you where I’m at. I feel really confused right now…”

“I know that you are facing an impossible decision,” he said. “Just do whatever it is you need to do to figure out what is going to make you happiest. I’ll support you one hundred percent.”

“Thank you,” you said.

“Now, let’s relax, enjoy the wine, the sun, and each other,” he said.

You smiled and agreed. As you looked at Joe in the low afternoon glow, you saw everything you had ever wanted. Passion, fun, kindness, family. Joe was all of these things and more. As if sensing your desire to be closer, he leaned over the table and kissed you. Everything about Joe, from his words to his deeds, promised you the life you had always dreamed of.

When the time came for the evening portion, you met Joe - like you had with Ben - at his hotel room. His suite was similar to Ben’s but with a different layout. There were fewer candles and more items a bit askew, but it was still neat.

As you snuggled up together on his couch, your mind felt uneasy. You needed to know more about how he was feeling about the following day. The big day.

“Joe,” you said. “Aren’t you a little nervous about tomorrow?”

“Of course I am,” he said. “It could either be the best or the worst day of my life. But I don’t want to complain to you, when it’s you who has the big decision to make.”

“You can complain, I wanna know what’s going on in your heart,” you said. 

“Okay,” he said simply. “I’m scared sh*tless that I’m going to find out tomorrow that as great a relationship as we have, things are better with him. That as much as you see our future, you prefer the one he can give you. That as much as you love me, you love him more.”

You opened your mouth to dispute each statement, but closed it again.

“I know that this is what it is,” he said. “Of course I’m afraid. But those fears are the same as any other relationship. You take a risk when you fall in love. I’m fully willing to put my heart on the line if it means even the chance of having you forever, Y/N.”

Tears stung your eyes. Your heart was beginning to break because suddenly the choice before you was so obvious. You wanted Joe with every part of your being. But that meant you were going to have to break Ben’s heart. And just the thought of it was about to crumble you.

“I love you,” you told him again.

You took his face between your hands, sat up on your knees, and rested your forehead against his. You both closed your eyes as you breathed in this moment.

“I love you,” you said again, this time in a low whisper.

“I love you,” he breathed back.

You could not tell him that you were choosing him, and this was a very serious rule, so you tried to convey to him some assurance through your touch. You just hoped he felt it.

You did not remain with Joe much longer. You needed to get some rest before the big day coming in the morning. He walked you to the door and hugged you for a long moment. He thought he felt you reassure him, but a small part of him still feared you would not choose him. So he held you a little longer. In case it was the last time.

“Good night,” you said.

“Good night,” he returned, pressing his lips to your forehead.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you said.

“Tomorrow,” he said.

You kissed once more, Joe’s lips lingering just slightly. Then it really was goodnight. How you ached to tell him not to worry. But you couldn’t. 

You started down the hall, and your mind went to Ben. You couldn’t imagine the look on his face if he showed up tomorrow with a ring and tried to propose. It would be too hard for Joe to follow up and for you to enjoy that moment. To protect Ben and yourself, you looked at your producer, Laurie.

“I need to speak to Ben,” you said. “Tonight.”

She blinked. “You’ve made your decision?”

“I have,” you said. “I can’t put him through a proposal. Not when he’s already given everything.”

“Okay, let’s go to his room,” she said. 

Heart pounding, you led the way down the hall to the elevator. Ben’s room was two floors below Joe’s. But upon reaching the elevator, you found you couldn’t be still. So, you headed to the stairwell instead. You began to rush down the stairs, desperate to reach him and get the hard part over with. Light as your legs felt, your heart felt like lead. It was crying out already with the wound it knew was coming. 

Two flights down. You hardly noticed the crew around you as you swept down toward that dreaded doorway. You reached it and came to a dead stop. For some reason, you stood there frozen. All you had to do was knock, but you couldn’t even lift your fist to do it. 

“Y/N?” said Laurie gently. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

You nodded slowly. “It’s going to be hard.”

“Yes,” she said. 

“It’s going to be painful,” you said. 

“Yes,” she repeated. “If you want to wait until tomorr-”

“No,” you said firmly. “I’ve already taken his first time being in love. I will not also rob him of his first proposal.”

Resolute, you finally rapped your knuckles against the door. You heard his footsteps approaching and you swallowed hard. It was difficult since your mouth was rapidly going dry. 

“Y/N!” Ben gasped with a smile when the door disappeared and was replaced with his form. “What are you doing here?”

“Can we talk?” you asked.

You met his gaze, and he saw the trouble in your eyes. His brow furrowed. 

“What’s the matter?” he questioned. 

Tears were threatening to overwhelm you. 

“Can we talk?”

“Sure, come in.”

He stepped aside and allowed you through the door. He followed you into the living area, but neither of you sat down. Ben braced himself, but he still was completely unprepared for the words that came out of your mouth. 

“It’s not you,” you sobbed. 

His whole body stiffened with the shock. Tears streamed steadily from your eyes, smearing your makeup, but you couldn’t think about that now. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it again. You watched him through watery eyes. 

“I’m so sorry,” you went on, unable to bear his silence. “But I couldn’t let you go through tomorrow and start to propose when I could spare you some hurt by telling you now. I just - oh God, Ben, please say something!”

“I…” he trailed off. It was as if you’d punched him and he was still dizzy from the impact. “I dunno...I don’t...I am completely blindsided right now, Y/N.”

“I understand,” you said. “But I know where my heart is, and I didn’t want you to have to go through all this stuff to get ready to propose when I...I wouldn’t be able to say yes to you.”

“You told me that you’re in love with me,” he said, voice shaking. “Is that still true?”

“Of course it is,” you said. “Feelings don’t just vanish. But I just -” You paused to take a breath. “You told me that I’m the first woman you’ve ever loved. I am taking away the hope you had of only loving one person forever, and I hate that I’m doing that. But I couldn’t live with myself if I took away a  proposal from you. Words that are meant for the person you are really supposed to spend the rest of your life with.”

“Up until now, I was sure that was you,” he said. 

“I’m so sorry,” you said again, voice faltering below a whisper. “But I just can’t let you propose to me. I can’t. Not when I’ve already hurt you enough.”

He sniffled and a single tear escaped to slide down his cheek. 

“You’re sure?” he croaked out. 

“Yeah,” you replied. 

He sat down, leaning on his knees and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders shook as he wept, but he quickly rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands to stop it. It broke your heart. You had never seen Ben this emotional. 

“F*ck,” he choked.

“I hope you know that what we shared was truly...extraordinary,” you said. “I have cherished getting to know you and falling in love with you. I-”

“Stop,” he said, swallowing. “Stop. Just...don’t.”

Your bottom lip began to quiver again. “Don’t you want to talk about this?”

“Not if it’s just going to be that,” he said. He blinked and more tears spilled down his face. 

You took a deep breath to steady yourself.

“Is there anything I can say?” you wondered.

“No,” he replied shortly. “There’s nothing that will make this hurt any less.”

You sat down beside him.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” you told him. “Saying goodbye to you will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

“What changed?” he asked. “What made you suddenly so sure?”

“I just realized that...I could picture my life with both of you,” you said. “But he’s the one I can’t picture my life without.”

Fresh tears rolled over his cheeks.

“I see,” he said. “So, it really is….goodbye.”

You nodded. Your heart was sinking. It was beginning to pick up speed again as it resisted letting him go.

“I’m so sorry.”

There was nothing else you could say, but the words still felt pathetic. You remembered how it felt to be rejected like this, and nothing - nothing you said could make it okay. 

Suddenly, he pulled you into a tight hug. His large hands clutched your shirt as he held you impossibly close. He buried his face in your neck. You slowly coiled your arms around him too, your fingers finding his hair and combing through it. This was the last embrace.

As he began to pull away, he kissed your cheek. Your eyes fell closed to the feeling of his lips once more. Out of loyalty to Joe, neither of you went for a proper kiss. You looked into his eyes - those lovely green eyes, even red and puffy - one last time.

“Goodbye, Ben.”

“Bye.”

On unsteady feet, you rose. Slowly, your hands slipped out of his. Each step toward the door had your chest tightening with this hurt. You were going to miss him terribly. But you didn’t stop. You barely remembered opening the door and the trek down to the lobby. Awareness hit you all at once when you stepped onto the sidewalk and into the cool night air.

Your heart was beating wildly, as if trying to escape the tight confines of your chest. Your fingers began to feel numb. Your brain felt hazy and your lungs were constricting. Hot tears spilled some more down your face, and you felt them intensely. You let out a wail.

“That was so hard!” you cried. “Oh my…”

You tried to take a breath but couldn’t. Your body screamed in protest at the idea of stepping any further onto that pavement and away from Ben. You clutched at your chest, begging it to open up again.

“I can’t do this,” you wheezed. “I can’t breathe…” Your vision was beginning to blur.

“Y/N?” Laurie said, eyeing you with concern.

“I can’t breathe,” you struggled to say again. “I can’t…”

Laurie’s face disappeared behind your eyelids as you dropped to the ground.

“Y/N!” Laurie cried. “Oh, God, someone call an ambulance!”

There was a medical team that ABC had on hand, and they were the first to arrive. You were swimming in and out of consciousness, but they couldn’t manage to get you fully aware. They called for an ambulance from one of the local hospitals and just as they arrived, your eyes were fluttering open.

“Joe,” you muttered, because that was all you could think of that you wanted.

“Just relax, Y/N,” said one of the medics. “You’re still out of it, we’re going to take you to hospital.”

“Joe,” you said again, noticing how dry your throat felt.

“Who’s Joe?” he asked Laurie.

“One of the guys,” she said. 

“Is he allowed to come with her?” he wondered.

Laurie shook her head. “Afraid not.”

“Okay,” he sighed, and you thought you saw him roll his eyes. “Sorry, Y/N, but he can’t come. You’re gonna see him again soon, okay? Once we help you.”

You nodded, trying to relax as they loaded you into the back of the vehicle. 

Joe couldn’t sleep. He was too nervous about what was coming. His conversation had been good with you, and he’d felt your connection so strongly before you left. He hoped that meant you would choose him. But he couldn’t be sure and that was what scared him. Finding no rest, he got out of bed. He went into the little kitchenette of the suite and fetched some water. Outside, he saw the flashing lights of an emergency vehicle. He peeked out, but couldn’t see what was going on. He watched it speed away and he hoped whoever was inside would be okay.

Just as he set the glass in the sink and headed back toward the bedroom, there was a knock on the door. Brow furrowing with concern, he went to open it. He was shocked when he saw Chris Harrison standing there.

“Hey, Chris,” he said. “Everything okay?”

“I’ve gotta catch you up on some things, man,” Chris said. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Joe agreed, and he stepped aside.

As they went to the living area, Joe turned some lights on. Then he and Chris sat on the couch.

“So, what’s up?” Joe wondered.

“Y/N is at the hospital,” Chris said.

“Woah, what?!” Joe cried. “Is she okay?! What happened?!”

“She passed out,” Chris explained calmly. “From what the medics said when they looked at her, it was a severe anxiety attack paired with dehydration that caused her to faint. But she was just coming around when they took her.”

“An anxiety attack…” Joe said. “Because of tomorrow?”

“I imagine so,” Chris replied. “It looks like she’s gonna be fine. I’m sure the weight of this decision just overwhelmed her.”

“I get it,” Joe said. “It’s a big decision. Will she be staying in the hospital overnight?”

“We’re not sure yet,” Chris said. “We’ll let you know as much as we can, as soon as we can, okay?”

“Okay,” Joe said. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Of course,” Chris returned. “Try to get some sleep. And I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon for the big day.”

“Night, Chris,” Joe said.

“G’night, Joe.”

Chris showed himself out. Joe was rooted to the spot where he sat. The crew got set up around him to do an interview.

“How are you feeling, Joe?” asked his producer, Lucy.

“After hearing all that,” Joe said, voice cracking with emotion. He looked up into the camera to reveal tears in his eyes. “I’m beginning to wonder if Y/N is really ready for this.”

He took a long, shuddering breath, and he blinked back the tears.

“Excuse me, I can’t do this right now,” he said shakily.

He got to his feet and walked straight to the bedroom, closing the door on the cameras. No one was certain what the morning would bring.

You woke to the sun shining brightly in your room. Only, it wasn’t  your hotel room. You were in the hospital.

The previous night’s events began to return to you. Your marvelous date with Joe, the heartbreaking goodbye with Ben, and then the feeling of suffocating before everything went black. You vaguely remembered asking someone for Joe, but you couldn’t remember their face or who it was. You looked to your right and saw Chris Harrison asleep in the chair next to you. As much as you adored Chris, you had kind of hoped to see Joe. Then you remembered you couldn’t see Joe because you were getting engaged to him later today. You smiled.

“Chris,” you said, voice a little hoarse.

He stirred and opened his eyes. He smiled gently at you.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” you said. “What happened?”

“After they ran some tests, the doctors confirmed it was an anxiety attack and dehydration,” he said. “They kept you overnight to hydrate you, but you should be okay to leave this morning.”

You nodded. 

“I told Joe about what happened to you,” Chris said. “But I didn’t tell him you had ended things with Ben, that didn’t feel like it was my place.”

“I appreciate it,” you said. “How’d Joe take it?”

“He was worried, of course, but I assured him you’d be fine,” Chris said. “He’ll be meeting with Neil Lane pretty soon.”

You beamed. Neil Lane was the ring designer. Your heart went out to Joe and you hoped that soon you would be getting ready to get that ring and the man of your dreams.

Joe: I only slept about an hour and a half last night. But, waking up this morning, I feel better about things. I realized that Y/N is ready for this. The reason she was affected like that was because it matters so much to her. She wants this to work so badly. If I were in her shoes, I’d probably pass out too from the pressure. All I can say is that I’m ready too. I’m ready to propose and spend my life with her if she’ll have me.

Feeling lighter, Joe went down to the patio of the hotel. Waiting for him was an older gentleman with a briefcase. Joe grinned. He knew what was in there.

“Joe?” said the man.

“Yep,” said Joe.

“Hi, I’m Neil Lane,” the man said, and they shook hands. “I’m here to help you pick a ring.”

“Thank you so much,” Joe said.

They sat down at a table where the sunlight was good so Joe could really see the rings in all their glory. Inside the briefcase were three ring boxes. Neil opened each one and let Joe look at them. They sparkled and glittered.

“Which one catches your eye?” Neil asked.

“Honestly, they’re all kind of blinding me,” Joe joked. 

Neil chuckled.

“The one on the right is a classic oval shape,” he explained. “It’s three carats. The middle is a cushion cut with a twisted band for a unique shape. It’s three and a half carats. The one on the left is a pear shape, three carats. All rings are set in platinum, and have a halo for extra sparkle.”

Joe reached for the middle one. It had his attention throughout Neil’s explanation. The cut was classic, but he really liked the shape of the band. It was special, and unlike any ring he had ever seen before. The same as you. He pulled it out of the box and examined it closer. It was clear and beautiful. Also like you. He could imagine it on your hand from this day forward.

“I like this one,” he said.

“Good eye,” Neil praised. “That was my favorite too. I know she’ll love it.”

“It’s perfect,” Joe said. “Like her.”

He returned the ring to the box, plucked it out of the briefcase, and shook Neil’s hand again. Then he returned to his room to get ready.

You left the hospital and returned to your hotel about an hour after you woke up. Your team was rushing to get you ready. You had a stunning ivory colored gown they zipped you into while the stylists put the last touches on your hair and makeup. Then, you were going to Milford Sound for the proposal.

You arrived first. Production had put together a stunning walkway out into the water where a platform sat just above the shallow water. There was a small stool there and on it was the final rose. You took a deep breath, appreciating the warm breeze and the smell of the beautiful nature around you. This was the place you would promise yourself to Joe, the love of your life, for all of your life. With that in mind, you took the first step forward.

Walking to the platform felt like it took years. You were so eager to see Joe and tell him the good news. It was just you and him from here on out. Eventually, you reached the end. You picked up the final rose and looked out over the water. The wind tossed your hair as you waited.

Joe arrived second. He stepped out of the car to make his way to where you were, but first, he met Chris Harrison.

“Chris,” he said with a smile.

“How are you, Joe?” Chris asked as they shook hands.

“Doing well, I’m excited,” Joe said. “How is Y/N?”

“She’s doing great,” Chris assured him. “In perfect health today.”

“Perfect,” Joe said.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna say?” Chris asked.

“I have,” Joe replied. “I know what’s on my heart, and I’ll convey it to her the best I can. If I can remember it all when I see her,” he finished with a chuckle.

“Well, good luck to you, friend,” Chris said. “Go on ahead. Y/N is waiting for you.”

Joe’s feet felt like bricks as he started down the walkway. He came around the first curve and got a glimpse of you. You looked like something out of a movie. The way the breeze tossed your hair perfectly about your face. Your dress fluttered like a flower. The way you smiled when you spotted him almost made him crumple.

“Hi,” you said sweetly as he approached.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he replied, voice catching in his throat. “You’re so beautiful, Y/N.”

Your smile widened as you fell in love with him all over again. He took your hands in both of his. You gazed adoringly into his eyes.

“Y/N, I knew going into this journey that I was taking a risk,” he began. “A big one. But I never imagined how great the reward would be. I wanted to find love, but what I’ve found in you is beyond that. You have become not only my love, but my best friend. You are the first person I want to see when I wake up in the morning, and the last person I want to talk to before bed each night. A day without you is impossible to imagine. I love you more than I ever thought I could love a person. And I promise you, Y/N, if you let me, I will show you that love every day for the rest of my life.”

You blinked back tears as you smiled at him.

“Joe,” you said. “All my life, I’ve wanted one thing, and that’s a family. A partner who is as devoted to me as I am to him. A man who I respect, admire, and adore. And who makes me laugh.” You both giggled a bit at that. “You have shown me all of that and more. You make me feel so safe and secure, but also excited. You make me feel loved and desired. But you also make me feel like I’m a part of you. And we can be our own little family. I love you, Joe. And I only want to love you from now on.”

He laughed with relief and squeezed your hand.

“I guess there’s only one more thing left to do,” he said.

With that, he released your hand and sank down to one knee. You let out a delighted squeal as he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved a ring box. Then he opened it and presented you with the most gorgeous ring you had ever seen in your life. It was like something right out of your dreams. You gasped and clapped your hand over your mouth.

“Y/N Y/L/N, will you marry me?” 

“Yes, Joe Mazzello, I will marry you!”

Both you and Joe were a mix of laughing and crying. Happy tears were leaking out, but neither of you cared. Joe took the ring out and slipped it onto your awaiting finger. 

“Oh my God!” you cried as you watched.

It fit perfectly. You grabbed Joe and tugged him to his feet so you could kiss him. His lips felt different because they were your fiance’s lips. His arms held you different because they were your fiance’s arms. All of him was different because he was your fiance. Just as you were his.

“I love you!” you cried when you parted.

“I love you!” he returned with equal enthusiasm.

“Oh, wait, there’s one more thing!” you gasped.

His brow furrowed with confusion as he watched you walk back over to the little table. He bit back a laugh when you picked up the rose. You returned to him.

“Joe,” you said, cheeks aching from how hard you were smiling. “Will you accept this rose?”

“Forever,” he assured you.

You giggled and pinned it to his jacket. Your ring caught the light as you did, and you could have squirmed with the thrill.

“Forever,” you repeated.

He took your face in his hands and started toward you for another kiss.

“Forever.”

As you kissed him, you thanked the universe for this journey. As dramatic and tumultuous as it was, as often as you felt heartbroken and helpless, it led you here. To forever with Joe. The life of your dreams awaited you.

[musicdork]

jjba social media/tiktok au!! (hcs)

there’s a lot about josuke im so sorry sfjlesfejk,, it started out as just him and then i was like “”,, what about other people?”” other’s are at the very end

it’s pretty fuckin long i,, im so sorry hh,, also my thought process was kinda Everywhere with this so like,, hope you can still enjoy this haha

[ edit ] this’ll be like,,, a masterpost or something for my hcs so this is,, very long,,

- you CANNOT tell me that Josuke isn't the kind of person who'd make thirst traps n him just being confident in his body like!!!

- tiktok josuke would be a blessing for me

- he'd make the thirst traps but in the caption be all embarrassed about it and like???? hOW ADORABLE!!!!

- i also feel like he'd make some gaming jokes,,,

- then ppl see jotaro a couple times and are like 👁️👄👁️💦

- OH MY GOD

- WHAT IF HE GOT OKUYASU N KOICHI TO DO SOME DANCES WITH HIM!!! or just them generally being dorks n they have a whole fanbase

- AND THE GIRLS AND THE GAYS GO BATSHIT LMAO (he's on gay tiktok, period. and like, other niche n weird spaces of tiktok)

- josuke's making a tiktok and it starts off in his room. he points up n text appears, "you guys wanna know how joot and i are related?"

- then he does a basic transition to where he's at jotaro's hotel room, having him and jotaro in frame with an arm wrapped around his shoulder.

- josuke's grinning

- jotaro has no fuckin clue whats going on

- a text appears above them, "say hello to my little nephew"

- i can see josuke doing povs, not the cringey kind but some that would be comforting for others;; who really need it.

- for his username my brain came up with starboy99 but he would definitely have his full name at the top of the screen

- probably part japanese to shorten the amount of characters he has to use (what i should've said is part KANJI n part romanji but hhh)

- i feel like he uses they pronouns too

- i have to think of his bio 👀

- definitely have his pronouns

- maybe a small quote? "just here to have a bizarre adventure! 💫"

- maybe something like that

- DEFINITELY have that he's a minor cause when he didn't have that,,, a lot of adults were simping for him and i feel that would make him Uncomfy

- he's adequate at transitions, but doesn't take too much time to learn them tbh. he's definitely the person to have vloggy type of tiktoks where he just shows a minute of his day

- absolutely would have okuyasu in his tiktoks with them doing dumb shit (like pranking rohan hehe) and them just being DORKS. a lot of ppl would think they're dating or just have a really good bromance

- he got a second of jotaro with his hat off and everyone died that day

- jotaro's in his tiktoks but very rarely

- when he is, people go BATSHIT with the simping

- i can see his following being fairly decent, and him getting decent traction but would also get shadowbanned a couple of times

- he definitely talks about retro games a lot and makes memes centered around them

- i can't say for certain what side(s) of tiktok he's on except for the obvious gay tiktok

- the more wholesome side, definitely activism, some povs, splash in some diversity, maybe japanese tiktok?? im sure that exists

- idk the more obscure sides,,

- he's a casual tiktoker for sure, maybe posting twice a week

- when he's especially bored he might post a couple times in a day, maybe an hour :'))

- i take that back, maybe three times? three times sounds fair

here’s a little break for your eyes lmao, there were a Lot more than i thought holy shit,,

-  JOSEPH (P2!) WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE TIKTOK SJSNS

- rohan makes two tiktoks

- they both blow up (and act like they don’t know nobodayy HAHAHA)

- he has a large following (mainly jap)

- but he barely uses tiktok after that

- i can't see giorno having social media tbh

-  he'd try to predict the algorithm based on the stuff he posts when he first gets the app.

- its mainly just him being a goof with a couple thirst traps thrown in there once he realizes "oh shit, i have simps?"

- caesar is featured once n already has a fanbase under joseph's acc (joseph's not jealous or anything,, nooo,,,,)

- like he's in the mafia,,,

- wait

- or maybe he just takes really good pictures of nature,,, i can see that

- a lot of people ask "where is this dude's parents,,,"

- narancia,, is the one who has tiktok (in bucci gang)

- mista would always (not ALWAYS but very. often.) find ways to be in them/photobomb

- i can see his (narancia’s) fyp being like super wholesome with some dumb memes but also popular music covers

- like rock covers or sumn similar

i deadass thought i had a couple for johnathan and erina too but!! can’t find them so,,

-  so one day he makes a tiktok, inside the turtle lmao

- at first he's like "why are you guys asking where my parents are;;"

- the camera flips to abbacchio and bruno

- "they're right here"

- cue a chuckling giorno and a laughing mista

- they do all the couple tiktoks together,, all the cute ones at least. i can see them doing the more wholesome dances too! they would all around just be the cute couple everyone else aims to be

- also thought i had some part 3 hcs saved?? wtf my saving skills are terrible,,

- polnareff is the one with tiktok. he would go around filming small snippets of stuff that happens with the crusaders (ignoring that,,, tiktok Did Not exist at the time haha)

- jotaro and kakyoin were definitely featured in his tiktoks!! i can see avdol with his arms folded being like “...we have better things to do--”

- but pol is like “but the fans, avdol! think about the content they’ll be missing out on!!”

- he’s hopeless LMAO. but honestly?? he'd make a good vlogger too!! his charisma would definitely be to his advantage

- you bet your ass that oldseph photobombs any chance he gets lmaooo he’s also the guy that a small part of polnareff’s fans simp for. 

- actually, each crusader has their own small fanbase within pol’s tiktok account. i feel the majority would be fans of jotaro and polnareff (it is his acc,,)

- jotaro’s fyp, when he reluctantly gets tiktok, consists of animals,, animal facts, funny animal tiktoks, ocean tiktoks for sure, just a lot of naturey stuff!! but he barely uses it though haha

- kakyoin uses tiktok every now and then! i feel he would prefer instagram more. he mainly posts his artworks, and the occasional retro game case hehe. he does the Dumbest shit on his “close friends” story, it’s great. i feel that’s also where he goes to ramble about whatever’s on his mind

- avdol definitely has a work instagram, only using it for his fortune telling business and trying to network with different tarot readers and fortune tellers. he likes the small community he has,, hehe,,

whoever read all this I'll cry in your arms

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[badwolfwrites-sometimes]

Drawn Together: Chapter 18

This baby is 1 year old today... I feel old

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923374/chapters/58649161

"Nonno, please!" Feliciano begged for what felt like a thousandth time that day. Ever since he learned about his grandpa's trip to Germany, he has been dead set on joining him. "Please, you know how much I want to see Germany."

Grandpa Rome resisted. He had no idea how long he would be staying in Germany in the first place, not wanting Feliciano to be away from his brothers for a long time. Plus, he had no idea if his company would even allow Feliciano to come with him. That's just extra money for hotel and food they have to give. "No, Feliciano. Plain visiting Germany isn't a good enough reason for you to come with me."

"But you can say I'm your unpaid intern and it would be a good opportunity for me." Feliciano argued. "Please let me come, Nonno."

"We'll talk later." Was the response Grandpa Rome gave him every time. Usually that later lasted about two minutes.

Feliciano sighed, deciding that this was all he was going to keep getting no matter how much he tried. He walked over to the couch where his brother and Antonio were watching TV. Antonio held back the giggle at Feliciano's dejected face. "No luck?" He asked.

Grabbing the nearest pillow, Feliciano shoved his face into it, murmuring something Antonio didn't quite understand. "Sorry?" Feliciano removed the pillow just enough for Antonio to be able to understand him properly. "I want to see Ludwig." He repeated.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Maybe that's for the best. Usually when people who met online meet in real life, it's a disaster. He might rob you and-" A pillow flew into Lovino's face. Feliciano's eyes looked unusually on edge lately, even more whenever Lovino badmouthed his friend. This, however, didn't stop Lovino. "If it's war you want, war you'll get." He threw the pillow back at Feliciano before jumping on him.

Antonio had made a quick escape from the battle of pillows and wrestling. A battle to the last feather, to the last standing hair on their heads, to the last inch of skin left without a bruise, to-

"I'm going out!" Someone spoke, interrupting their fight. Both Feliciano and Lovino stopped fighting in order to shoot deadly stares into the one who dared delay their match. It was only Romeo. And Lovino thought it was something important. He was dressed up unusually nice, though.

"Where are you going?" Antonio beat both of the boys to the question on their minds.

"Marie is giving me math instructions." Romeo simply said, making his way to the door, only to be stopped by Grandpa Rome.

"Marie? Who is that?" Grandpa Rome asked, a teasing smile framing his face. "Does little Romeo have a girlfriend? Your very own little Juliet?"

Romeo rolled his eyes, palms growing sweaty. "She's my friend and she's very impatient so I really need to go."

"Tell Marie I said hi!" Feliciano yelled from the couch where he was still trapped by Lovino.

"Will do." Romeo answered back.

"Yes, tell your girlfriend we all said hi." Grandpa Rome laughed as Romeo exited the house, shaking his head at his weird family.

"Who even is this Marie?" Lovino asked.

"His girlfriend obviously." Grandpa Rome answered.

"Young love... That's so nice." Antonio sighed.

"We're in love too, idiot." Lovino remarked.

"Sorry."

"She's not his girlfriend. He has known her about as long as I know Ludwig." Feliciano chimed in, surprising everyone.

"You know her?" Lovino asked.

"Who is Ludwig?" Grandpa Rome asked.

"Feli, are you okay down there?" Antonio, the sensible one, asked.

"Peachy." Feliciano answered as Lovino finally stepped off from him so he could get comfortable on the couch. When everything was finally settled, they all gathered around him, Feliciano asked. "If I tell you what I know about her, will you let me come to Germany with you, Nonno?"

Whines and sighs came clashing together at Feliciano who smirked at his brain being a genius once in a while. He awaited his answer, unwilling to share his knowledge unless he got an approval.

"Feli, that's blackmailing." Antonio chimed in first.

"Really? This again? You horrible-" Lovino started.

"You're really dead set on going to Germany?" Grandpa Rome complained, interrupting Lovino before his swearing fuse could be set on fire.

As this kind of conversation went back and forth, Feliciano kept quiet while laughing on the inside. His family had a thing regarding curiosity for centuries, passing it from generation to generation, they just needed to know everything they were interested in at the moment. "Yes, yes, yes, unless you agree to let me come, I'm not saying anything." Feliciano finally spoke.

All eyes were dead set on Grandpa Rome, watching his every movement. Antonio was practically begging him with his eyes to agree to take Feliciano if it meant he would spill the beans. Lovino, on the other hand, was still as opposed to Feliciano going as he had been before, something he made vocally clear to his grandpa. Feliciano endured the insults, waiting patiently for his answer. All that pressure and curiosity was bad for Grandpa Rome's health. "Fine. I'll talk to the company, but will you please tell us."

Feliciano beamed with joy. Grandpa Rome's company wasn't all that strict when it came to family members tagging along. He knew because he witnessed it himself, a lot of workers had troubles separating from their families. Excitement filled his body, enough for him to ignore Lovino's complaints. He wanted to tell Ludwig about this so badly, but first, he had to complete his promise.

"Now will you tell us?" Antonio asked, growing impatient.

"I will, I will. Wait." Feliciano said, pointing at Lovino who was still ranting furiously. Antonio silenced him with a pat on the shoulder, taking his hand to hold until Lovino was completely calm.

Feliciano could now begin. "Her name is Anne Marie. He met her at the library one day after lessons. She studies math and is really smart. She's not Italian, but she came to study here because she didn't really fit in with the French girls. She's from Monaco, I think, and she's older than Romeo. I think he said she was around my age and she's also really pretty. I might have a picture..." Feliciano paused, quickly searching through his phone for a short while before giving up. Not a word was spoken during the entire time. "I can't find it now, but Romeo might show it to you when he comes back. They hang around a lot because she explains math to him and he teaches her chemistry. That's all I know."

Pause. Everyone took a bit of time to process everything Feliciano said. "So, she's not his girlfriend, but they hang out a lot? Sounds to me like they are im denial." Grandpa Rome spoke first, but before Feliciano could repeat once again that his brother wasn't dating his friend, he was shut down by Lovino and Antonio.

"Obviously. Unless Midget is gay as well." Lovino said.

"That's a rude nickname, Lovi. I think it's sweet that he has a friend who helps him out, but if they were dating she could help him out even more." Antonio chimed in.

"Like I said-" Feliciano tried once again, but in vain.

"Our little Romeo is growing up. Soon, he'll be married with kids and maybe that would get his head out of that science thing he has." Grandpa Rome looked ready to cry.

Feliciano noticed that any more attempts to clear the misunderstanding up would fail, so he texted Romeo what happened.

♡~Feli~♡: Sorry i told them about marie ♡~Feli~♡: On the plus side ill maybe go to germany!!!!! ♡~Feli~♡: Ill bring you presents as an apology and tell her i said hi

Romeo's reply came in rather quickly, letting Feliciano know that Romeo was still on his way to meet her.

☆MeoMeo☆: Dont worry bout it ☆MeoMeo☆: But do bring me presents

Feliciano laughed, the conversation about Romeo's life still ongoing. A perfect opportunity for Feliciano to slip back quietly to his-

"Oh yeah Feli, you mentioned some guy Louis, I think. Who is he?" Grandpa Rome remembered, catching Feliciano in his attempt to sneak out of the living room.

"Ludwig, actually. He's..." Feliciano trailed off, he hoped this question wouldn't pop out before they were on their way to Germany. Or at least, before he told Ludwig there was a chance he would come visit him. "My friend."

"Oh? Alright then. How did you meet?" Grandpa Rome asked.

"Internet." Before Feliciano could answer, Lovino interrupted him. Feliciano just gave him the stare, nobody in this family was going to let him speak normally today.

"Feli, we talked about strangers on the internet. You can't trust him." Grandpa Rome stared at him concerned, so much that Feliciano wanted to scream and tell them all about how kind Ludwig actually is. He kept quiet, fighting was always useless.

"He's not a stranger, Nonno. He's my friend's relative and a good person." He simply said, hoping his grandpa would understand and not press the issue anymore.

"Feli, I'm not having this conversation. I want you to stop talking to whoever that Louis guy is."

"Ludwig."

"Doesn't matter." Grandpa Rome raised his voice, something so rare Feliciano felt his knees weaken. "He could be a murderer and I don't want to have to bury you so young. Stop talking to him immediately."

For a moment there was heavy silence. Neither Feliciano nor Grandpa Rome spoke, leaving Antonio and Lovino just standing there awkwardly. Lovino almost regretted not keeping his mouth shut, seeing as Feliciano looked about ready to cry. 'It's for his own good,' was what he told himself.

Sucking back the tears, Feliciano nodded. "I'll be drawing in my room, call me when dinner is ready." And he retreated to the one safe place for him in the house, limping his way to it until his bed was before him. Grabbing Silence in Venice, he collapsed face down on the bed, seeing wet stars.

The buzz of Feliciano's phone woke him up. He had no memory of falling asleep, at least not while holding his favorite book, but as he saw the texter's name, everything came to him. Unlocking his phone, he was greeted with over 50 messages all from Ludwig.

Ludwig: So about that challenge Ludwig: I don't really know how to draw dogs well but they were acting cute today and so I hope you don't mind that instead of a drawing you got a picture

*Ludwig has sent 20 pictures*

Ludwig: I guess that is a bit too much

Feliciano kept scrolling and reading Ludwig's messages. Most of them were long ones detailing the entire day of his pets' life, but then they begun getting weird.

Ludwig: So i think about pigeons a lot Ludwig: They are really cool you knkw Ludwig: And like what if i was a pigeon you know what id do Ludwig: Id take my body trash out on every persons head Ludwig: Doesnt that sound super cool

These were the most recent ones and Feliciano suspected Ludwig probably got really drunk when he texted him those, although that didn't make much sense because it was barely 6 p.m. Nevertheless, as weird for Ludwig as they were, they made Feliciano smile.

♡~Feli~♡: Are you okay Ludwig

Ludwig: Ludwig Ludwig: Im not ludwig Ludwig: Im the great pigeon man the awesomest of all

Well, that was strange. Ludwig wasn't the type to use the word 'awesomest.' If anything, he usually complained about that word because his brother-

Feliciano realized what was going on here.

♡~Feli~♡: Gil is that you

Ludwig: You bet i am im gil the pigeon

♡~Feli~♡: Okay gil pigeon would you be a nice pigeon and give your brother pigeon his phone back

Ludwig: But we re having such a nice pigeon conversation  Ludwig: He would ruin our pigeon time

♡~Feli~♡: I would rather text you from your own pigeon phone thats why

Ludwig: Oh why didnt pigeon you pigeon say so

♡~Feli~♡: Thats a lot of pigeons

Ludwig: Sure is Ludwig: I cant find my pigeon brother he probably got pigeon lost pigeon watching Ludwig: I want him to find a noce pigeon to take caer of him while i go on pigeon adventures

♡~Feli~♡: Thats really sweet of you pigeon gil

Ludwig: It sure is Ludwig: I found him hes pigeon asleep

♡~Feli~♡: Oh alright ♡~Feli~♡: Thank you pigeon gil

Ludwig: I woke him up and hes pigeon mad at me Ludwig: Goodbye my pigeon friend Ludwig: Sorry about that I swear I just took a nap and he is already so drunk

♡~Feli~♡: Dont be that was hilarious ♡~Feli~♡: Gil likes pigeons a lot

Ludwig: Yeah Ludwig: He watched a British culinary show where someone made pies out of pigeon meat and he has been angry about it ever since

♡~Feli~♡: Oh poor gil ♡~Feli~♡: Was it a good nap at least

Ludwig: It was short that is for sure Ludwig: I have been playing in the garden with the dogs all day so I am a little worn out Ludwig: How are you Ludwig: Will you be watching Eurovision tonight

♡~Feli~♡: Oh absolutely ♡~Feli~♡: I really like this years songs i think denmark might win ♡~Feli~♡: I dont want to get my hopes up by claiming we will win because we never do

Ludwig: I like Italy's entry this year Ludwig: Ours as well but it isn't victory material

♡~Feli~♡: I like germanys song a lot ♡~Feli~♡: I can relate to it but thats a whole other story ♡~Feli~♡: Anyway im both good and bad ♡~Feli~♡: Good because i might be coming to germany soon  ♡~Feli~♡: And bad because nonno

Ludwig: Wait you will be coming here? Ludwig: For real? Ludwig: I am not really done with the book yet

♡~Feli~♡: No ill be coming with nonno because he has this trip with his company and things like that all over europe

Ludwig: Then is the bad news that he doesnt want to take you or?

♡~Feli~♡: No ♡~Feli~♡: I wouldnt be feeling this sad if he didnt want to take me its just that ♡~Feli~♡: He wants me to stop talking to you and being your friend

Ludwig: Why?

♡~Feli~♡: Lovi spilled that we met online and my nonno is really strict about online friendships and everything ♡~Feli~♡: So he ordered me to stop talking to you

Ludwig: I see Ludwig: Well i did employ you in a way so maybe you could tell him that if you are going to come to Germany Ludwig: It is less suspicious that way

♡~Feli~♡: I dont kno ♡~Feli~♡: My nonno can be really mean sometimes but lovi is even meaner ♡~Feli~♡: I want to fight back but if i did he ll tell nonno and make everything be my fault ♡~Feli~♡: Its stupid and i hate it i hate it here

Ludwig: Brothers are usually like that Ludwig: Maybe it is good that you aren't starting fights because in that way Lovino can't project the blame unto you Ludwig: But at the same time that pushes him to abuse you more just to get a reaction out of you

♡~Feli~♡: I wish i could live with you ♡~Feli~♡: I wouldnt be lonely at least

Ludwig: If you still have problems with your grandfather you can tell him that you can stay here Ludwig: I suppose if he is traveling with a company that means the company pays the bills to hotels and transport Ludwig: So if you and him want to stay you can come to our place and save some money

♡~Feli~♡: You know what thats a brilliant idea ♡~Feli~♡: Ill tell him that ♡~Feli~♡: But lovi would probably object to something there

Ludwig: My best advice is to ignore what he says and if he says something mean about you just nod but don't take him seriously

♡~Feli~♡: I can try that

Ludwig: Talk to your grandfather first please

♡~Feli~♡: Are you excited at the posibility of me coming over

Ludwig: Ecstatic Ludwig: Gilbert would be overjoyed as well Ludwig: And also because I want to know will your grandfather approve of me  Ludwig: Because I really don't want to lose one of my only friends

♡~Feli~♡: We re both so lonely amd sad we need each other ♡~Feli~♡: Ill text you his response

Feliciano locked his phone and put it for charging, racing down the stairs to find his grandpa on the phone. Grandpa Rome mouthed to Feliciano that they were talking about the trip to Germany and shook his head that the company was refusing.

Feliciano motioned to him to cover the phone because he had to tell him something. Grandpa Rome excused himself for a moment to the person he was talking to. "My friend said we could stay at his place so we don't have to pay extra for hotels and food." Feliciano blurted out.

Grandpa Rome nodded, passing the message to the person on the phone. They waited for a response. Finally, Grandpa Rome nodded and Feliciano was gone in a second.

♡~Feli~♡: IM COMING TO GERMANY!!!

[q-u-a-c-k]

im just gonna talk. I apologize for feed spam so I'll just talk under the cut

----------------

also I'm sorry for the complete spam I hope you can ignore me well enough, but I just wanted to say that I feel content for the first time in a while. I've been doing shitty lately but too scared to really say anything about it. my brain is constantly urging me to relapse or do something stupidly insanely harmful to myself. but right now the voice is quiet and I'm allowed to think and I like thinking happy things like this. I wish there was a way to have the voices this quiet without doing it this way (unintentionally high, I think there was something in my drink that I didn't put in there). like if anyone actually reads this and knows a way to quiet the voices in my head so I can think, please let me know. I know things like taking time to take care of myself or positivity things, but when the voices are back they dont really let me do that stuff. so if anyone has a quick and effective way of getting them to be quiet please tell me.

anyways I think I already told you two, but I have the potential to be quadruple gay and I think that's pretty cool. So identity crisis time trying to explain it. Although I'm still confused about how two of the parts work together but I'm gonna try to explain it while I can think. So I'm definitely gay and I think probably pan because I honestly have no preference, a pretty person is a pretty person. I believe I'm ace or at least under that umbrella term because ew. I think I might be nonbinary but I've never really outright said I use that label. because I honestly dont know yet but I'm not comfortable with male or female and I just am who I am but dont know what that is. so I'm hoping it's okay to use at least until I figure it out? and now the confusing part, possiblity of aro???? I'm not really sure because I could have just not really found the right (or any) person yet and I dont really want to use a label just because I'm not really sure. but like thinking about romantic stuff like... it's okay?? but that doesnt really sound like my thing. like I'd like to hang out with people and know them better and do things like dates but not with a romantic intention? just to vibe with the person? idk. but it's confusing because I also said I was pan but idk what about me is oen if in possibly under aroace. like I know they're both umbrella terms, but I dont know where under them I am. or where pan fits? idk identy crisis, yay!!

I wanna do a platonic date with someone. Like we can go to the movies or something and go to a park and just get to know each other better but like platonically. I think that just sounds fun. I need to get a job so I can have money to platonically take someone on a date. I've been meaning to look for places or put in applications but I keep forgetting. Which also reminds me, I want a fuckung sword. Imagine how cool that would be!! I have the money for this nice one that I've been looking at for a while, it's a pretty white longsword with a blue gem in the hilt. I want it so bad. but my parents wont let me get it which i think is stupid. like I'm gay and have themoney, let me get my sword >:(

I want an axe, too. it doesnt necessarily have to be a pretty one because I wanna get strong and chop wood with it. I want to be a lumberjack. like not cut down trees that dont need to be cut down, but anything that has fallen already I wanna chop up with an axe then make things out of it!! I like wood working stuff. it sounds like fun. but I would need the right stuff to do that that I dont have right now. like skills.

that is making me think about another life crisis but I dont wanna think about that so I'm gonna try to think of something else like how I cant wait to move out. because they have stuff planned out for me and what they want me to do but I realized I dont wanna do that. and now I'm thinking and vaguely talking about the crisis I dont wanna think about so I'm gonna think about what I actually want to do. I wanna do the plan thing you came up with where you're gonna have your cottage in a small town and we're gonna live hopefully somewhat close to you and we can visit each other a lot and vibe. you're gonna do what you want to do and work in a museum and talk about the things you enjoy.I dont really know what I want yet but I know I wanna live near you so we can hang out and be a lot closer because you're my family and my best friend. I think I wanna have lots of plants. I want to take better care of them than I do now and. have a lot and spend time with them and make sure they're doing well and growing. I like most plants vibes. they're mostly simple but very pretty and calming and looks like what home should feel like. you feel like what home should. like sometimes when the three of us are playing games like minecraft or something and it's getting all competitive and laughing it feels like home and makes me really happy. I'm excited to leave this place and have a real home.

I wanna leave as much of this as I can behind. and since I don't plan on coming out to them soon or possibly even at all, it might actually be easier to leave. because once I do I can go by Ash everywhere and not the name they gave me. I wont have to feel sad when I have to introduce myself as the name they gave me. and as far as people would know this is my name and the only one. they wouldn't even know what the other one is and cant call me it.

I still dont know what I want, but I know just being there I'll already be happier than here. they upset me a lot here. they say rude and insensitive things and insult me whether they know they are or not. and I think one day when I leave, if they try to justify themselves instead of fixing it, I have the freedom to leave them behind. they're not as bad as a lot of other people's family, especially since I thought compared to other people my family was nice. but still I think unlike the voice says I dont deserve to feel bad about who I am, especially when they're the ones who impacted me that way and made me a lot of who I am. or caused it.

I also cant wait until I move out because I'll have a lot more control of what I can and cant do, how I can be myself, and what kinds if things I'm eating. because right now, my parents dont really buy things that are good for you because it's cheaper to get processed foods. and when they do get better things, they get things I dont like. or I never get any because my siblings have it. bht I guess in some weird way it is good that they make me feel horrible about food stuff because then that's less of the bad stuff that I eat. I don't really like eating at all and I thought that was a good thing becuas ei vcd ont have access to the things I'm supposed to be having. so to me it's better to have nothing than things that are bad. and I've been kinda proud of myself for having less because it's not good stuff. like last night's I had a slice of cheese, half of minimal dinner, then only a little bit of chocolate. but then my siblings got taco bell and now I feel like shit. because I felt bad because they got it specifically for me but I didnt want it but I had it anyways. but I'm proud of how I did today before that!!!!

I want it ti rain. I wanna go outside when there thunder and lightning and pouring rain and just walk around. I want to stand in the rain. the rain makes me happy and calm. I feel safer in the rain. and it's just an overall pleasant thing. of course i don't want it to flood or cause harm to anyone else, but I want it to rain. good thing rain season is coming up soon. it might be cold but I dont care. I've waited too long for it.

[marveloussupernerd]

So I think I'm bi (im like 99.7% sure) and I'm Catholic and my family is Catholic so I'm TERRIFIED to come out but I literally need to tell someone or I might die. I just saw in your about you thing that you're bi and closeted and idk this has been eating at me for months ?? I've been thinking about coming out to my gay friend but idk how we will react. Idk why I'm telling you this idk you just seem trustworthy and I'll come off anon if you want to talk to me okay goodbye love you

Hi I just want to start by saying I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !! And you are SO valid !! Literally feel free to keep sending me asks or private message me if you need anything at all, even encouragement ❤️

I still haven’t come out directly to my parents, honestly I didn’t actually come to terms with my sexuality until about a year ago when I went to college (but I’ve always liked girls and boys, like I used to want to date the girls on dance moms bc we were the same age 😂😂 but I didn’t think anything of it at the time). Coming out to my friends was really easy though, especially when they are also not straight LMAO

The first person I came out to was my sister, because I’m closest with her, and she was very accepting. She also follows me on here so if she’s reading this heyy :) My friends who are also bi took it like there was NO issue at all... I told my one friend the other day and she said “oh! I didn’t know you were a little gay too LMAO” and it was really nice 🥰 and now I can talk about how pretty this girl is who works with me and not feel weird

My parents believe in God but are not highly religious, and are pretty Liberal, so I know they’d accept me but it still feels weird ~ I’m sure you know what I mean. I’ve just been dropping hints and so they probably know I’ve just never told them directly? The biggest giveaway was when we watched the presidential debate and I wouldn’t shut up about how GORGEOUS the newscaster was (I looked her up just so you all would know my type - Mary Bruce from ABC News).

Idk what my point is to this reply LMAO I’m sorry for going off about nothing. I guess in summary what I want to say is I’m here for you literally if you need anything! That goes for anyone reading this. Pls feel free to direct message me, or you can ask more questions anonymously too! Whatever you’re comfortable with. Coming out is hard but you will feel so much more comfortable even coming out to one person. It’s nice to be able to be your full self around someone. Take baby steps if you need to, this whole process varies from person to person and that’s okay!! I love you!!

[sleepypeaky]

{getaway} final, pt.4

Reader is the Blinder’s chauffeur….naturally that entails getaway driving too

Part 4/4 ———-part 1, part 2 , part 3

also this was unintentional but the reader is gender neutral

WC: 1458

Warnings: Shooting, blood, dramaaa

A/n: set just after season 5, like the day after the last episode.

and no this isnt historically accurate obvs but i had to do it to write the fucking thing

tnis is so fun to write so try and stop me. this is kind of a Finn x reader?? idk?? finn is my wife?? but he also smol gay boi?? im confused.

“Where’s Finn!?!” Ada yelled as she kicked open the door to Tommy’s study.

Tommy was at his desk with his head down. Arthur ventured to answer,

“We haven’t seen him since the speech. Johnny Dogs said (y/n) went to look for him.”

“Arthur that was 12 hours ago! They could be hurt!”

RING

Tommy raised his head and grabbed the phone.

“What?”

He eyes widened.

He slammed the phone back down on the receiver, and scrambled to his feet.

“Mosley’s been shot.”

They stared at each other.

Ada gasped.

“Oh my god.”

They all ran out the door.

“NO NO NO NO FUCK! FUCK!” You screamed into the steering wheel.

To say that you were speeding was an understatement, you were going so fast that you weren’t sure the car could handle it.

And at the same time, to make things even more dangerous, you were flicking your gaze to Finn’s marbled complection. 

“Finn Finn come on come onnnn!” You slapped his face lightly, trying to wake him up.

He made a breathy groan, you weren’t sure if it was voluntary, but at least he was alive.

You cursed yourself,

“FUCK (y/n)!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!” You yanked the wheel to the right and were thrown along with it as the car screeched into the direction you gave it.

You were almost at the hospital. It wasn’t smart considering what had just happened, but by the amount of blood you figured it was either this or him dying, and you were not taking that chance.

And this was far enough away that maybe it would just be passed off as a casualty of one of the many daily gang shootings.

You tore into the hospital driveway and slammed on the brakes, the tires were so shot from the drive that you skidded about 3 feet.

Throwing open the door and screaming for help, you sprinted around the car and flung open the passenger side door, grabbing finn’s face in you hands and trying to call him out of the depths of his mind.

“Finn finn wake up please please.” You cried.

His head lolled in your hands, but his eyelids fluttered, you whimpered with relief.

Two men with a stretcher came up behind you.

You let them to him and watched as they ran him inside.

Your legs, as heavy as led, followed suit.

_______________

Ada sat frozen in the passenger seat of the car. A million thoughts going through her head.

She had her eyes pressed shut, hoping to anyone that would listen that her suspicions weren’t true.

Tommy’s hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard they resembled a skeleton’s. His face was in its usual stone mask, but his eyes were wind and active, no doubt thinking the same thoughts as Ava.

Arthur was silent in the backseat.

They pulled up to the scene and halted the car. Police were everywhere. The rain obscured the scene and oddly made it seem less intense than it was.

Two black tarps lay out on the ground.

Tommy sped over to them and in one swift motion, looked under each. The officers on the scene had recognized him and were awaiting his arrival, so they let this trespassing happen.

Though he let none of this show on his face, Tommy stood up and was relieved, both in seeing Mosley with half a skull, and seeing that the other body wasn’t Finn.

Maybe he wasn’t involved after all.

Nevertheless, before he went to speak to the press and police, he nodded to Ada: the signal to check the hospitals just in case.

_________

“I’m sorry you can’t come in here.”

A nurse grabbed your arm.

You looked at her in a daze,

“but..but...”

She looked apologetic and led you to a chair.

You looked down at yourself: your left shirt sleeve was drenched up to the elbow in blood from holding onto him during the car ride. As well as many other spaces on your clothes. And no doubt the car seat was completely ruined.

But all that was moot. 

Because you gave into Finn he was fucking bleeding out in the other room. Why didn’t you just fucking say no? No Finn, we are not going to assassinate a parliament member. No Finn, i won’t drive you. Maybe you thought that you being there would somehow protect him? Doesn’t matter.

You leaned your head back against the wall and closed your eyes.

You sat like that for who-knows-how long when you heard your name called.

“(y/n)!?”

You stumbled to you feet, looking around for the nurse who called your name. Instead, you locked eyes with Ada.

A sob escaped your mouth as she ran towards you.

“Jesus fuck (y/n)! What happened?!” She held you.

You lowered you voice, 

“I don’t know why i didn’t stop him. I could have but didn’t.”

She inhaled and nodded softly,

“It was you then.” She whispered.

You nodded,

“So fucking stupid–”

“At least you were fuckin’ there! If you weren’t there he would be under that black tarp with the faschist.” She harsh-whispered.

I made you feel a tad better, but still.

_____

Polly walked to the ringing phone with a usual speed.

“Hello?”

“Pol, it’s Ada.”

She tilted her head,

“What happened.”

Ada sighed over the phone,

“Finn is in the hospital, i’ll explain when you get here.”

“Jesus– not again. I’ll be right there.”

She shook her head and went to the door.

_______

“HE DID WHAT?!”

“Shhhh! Pol!”

Polly looked around to see if she was the only sane person in the room. Surely it wasn’t out of line to react like this.

She looked over at where you were sitting, still covered in blood and leaning on your hand.

“This family needs to calm the fuck down.”

“Not likely, pol.”

_____

The appearance of feet in your sightline brought you back to reality.

You looked up.

“He’s resting now, he’ll be ok.”

You stood up, shaky.

You gestured to Polly and Ada.

“Can we see him?”

The nurse nodded and led you to his room.

_____

6 hours later

The first thing that moved were his fingers, they looked as if he were playing an invisible piano on the white sheets.

Finn opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. White walls, his feet, you passed out in a chair.

He smirked,

“Oi.” He croaked.

He watched your eyelids snap open confusingly, then they made contact with his.

“Tired?” he jested.

You glared,

“You’re a bastard Finn Shelby. A right bastard.”

You stood up and looked down over his bed, you flicked his nose.

“Ow wha’ the fuck!?”

“That,” you slipped, “Was for draggin me into this mess and then making me save your ass.”

“yeah thats fair.”

You sat down again, but pushed the chair closer. You took one of his hands.

“I don’t want to be covered in your blood again.”

He grunted, 

“Can’t guarantee anything.”

You smiled at his humor, but you felt sad inside.

“I can’t lose any more of you.”

He understood what you meant. John and you had been close, you were like an extra sibling. 

Finn turned his hand so that your’s fell in place. He squeezed.

“I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

You smiled again and lay you head down on the bed beside his shoulder.

It was here that Finn felt good, where he could embrace the quiet sensuality of plain love. Not forced, or made to behave differently, he could be himself.

He leaned his head atop yours.

________

1 Day later

“and in conclusion, you are never, to ever, do anything like that ever again. Not, that there will be an occasion to do so.” 

Tommy finished his drastically long scolding of Finn.

“And (y/n), i want to be mad, but essentially the same goes to you as well. But you were doing your job, and i’m glad Finn wasn’t alone. At least there was one working brain in the plan.”

You blinked,

“I still have a job?”

Tommy chuckled,

“What, you thought this would change that? I did tell you there would be excitement didn’t i?”

“Yeah, my body feels real excited.” Finn groaned from the bed, rubbing the bandages that were wrapped around his midsection.

“Yeah but thats what you get.” You said.

He frowned.

_____

_____

_____

_____

1930

The car rumbled beneath you, and with the windows down, your hair cooled in the breeze.

You looked into your mirrors, he was gaining on you.

“Fool.” You muttered.

Your foot lowered further on the gas.

The finish line was in sight,

5

4

3

2

1

Whoosh. 

Again, not a surprising victory. 

You eased off the gas and began the process of stopping the car.

The screech of brakes continued until you exited the car.

You threw up your hands,

“Really?! I thought i taught you better than that Shelby!”

Finn flipped you off and hopped out of his car.

“Well i’m not insane, like someone know.”

you punched his arm.

“Bastard.”

“Lunatic.”

You looked up at him and grinned.

He did the same.

He leaned down and kissed you, you returning it naturally.

You smiled into the kiss, before reaching up and grabbing his hat.

You broke off and frisbeed his hat into the grass.

“Race you!” You squealed as you ran to your car.

Finn stood in confusion at how quick that progressed.

You got back in the car, and started the engine.

_____________

The End

[unproduciblesmackdown]

The opposite of your last post for the ask meme! Like 1, 5, 9..

thank you lol sorry it took me a minute to get to posting these answers......i also skipped a couple that got asked previously via answering all primes lol

1: What inspires you?

hm well just basic stuff like “being in a good mood” lol or “being hyped up by friends” or “having reason to be particularly excited about something” which is all like, factors that Contribute Energy......learning about stuff / trying something and discovering like oh i’m Into this thing, or that for whatever reason something turns out to be more within reach / doable than i might’ve thought, like, hey i wanna get on this maybe.......~creatively~ it’s great to like, see other ppl’s art, and while i’ve sure been Inspired by professional artists, overall i’m more like, influenced and motivated by seeing the styles / specific works of Online Randos like me.......i also Draw to create [self-indulgent (usually fairly) niche fanart which is also probably gay and is all the time of characters i like] so like, the Stuff I Wanna Make Fanart Of (which has Whatever characters i specifically would like to draw lol) is sure directly Inspiring in that way. i’d say i never had that experience of like, ppl being kids and seeing some [distributed work in a certain art medium] like oh i want to make my own [distributed work in a certain art medium] as in like, i wanna publish a book, i wanna make movies, etc, but i guess i Did b/c i was like elementary school age in the early-to-mid 00s and experienced some instances of online fanart like :o :o wow damn ppl can do that?? just be a rando drawing fanart and sharing it w/ other people online???? and today i am living that dream, so good for me lol. and also i’d like to shoutout marge simpson anime, which is a particular piece of Online Art (technically fanart even lol) which was like, unusually Motivating as a single work of art lol, i made a notes app fanart like immediately and then a way more “painterly” piece of fanart that was v directly inspired by it lol.......and i was sure Drawing It Up last last winter when bmc 3.0 was impending / happening, b/c i got into like Just in the dec before, so that was Fresh, and then bam the Content is happening concurrently and as soon as we even just learned that jeremy has glasses i immediately spent like honestly 25 consecutive hours making fanart for that exact Inspiration. we didn’t even know abt the hello kitty shoes yet!!! and naturally im not out here for stats or clout but it is Inspiring when ppl enjoy the stuff i make and let me know one way or another. [tag comments that express enthusiasm in any way.....Appreciated]

9: Do you trust people easily, or do people have to earn your trust?

i have to say i am wary! that’s in part just like, a default anxiety defensive mode lol. but it takes me a hot minute (aka weeks....or months.....) to realize when someone like, would like to be friends or something, so while i can be Friendly and Outgoing w/ people like, immediately, i’m not picking up relationships left and right that are close enough that i’d particularly talk about “trust” or whatever. i’m not necessarily Distrustful either lol, it’s more just like, again re: the constant wariness thing. it is not unlike a cat lmao i vibe with them lol i Get that [approach]....and there’s been times i’ve been like “hmm i sure do Not vibe with this person ever and am not comfortable around them / interacting with them to any extent beyond occasional casual interactions that i don’t super enjoy. that’s me being overly anxious and failing to be personable i guess!!” and then that person Does give that reason down the line like oh, actually, that eternal uneasiness was warranted :/ damb

21: How does someone become friends with you?

yknow i was like “didn’t i Also answer this one previously” but it turned out the question i was thinking of, which i Had answered, was “how does someone become important to you” lmao.....same diff

tbh it’s kind of an arduous process lmao like. first of all i am Bad about initiating shit, and a lot of times will like, be wary of Directly Interacting with people for a while b/c i am also Bad At not being too passive / unwilling to assert anything so like, if someone’s regularly interacting with me but i’m not into it / Eventually Realize i’m not into it, it’s that thing again where my main strat is [v gradually sidle away] lol and just find it difficult to extricate myself from interactions / relationships and so that plays into me really feeling like i have to have some real confidence that i’d get on with / vibe with someone Before i start significantly interacting with / getting involved with them which....is also difficult natch lol like. can’t rly get a great feel for what someone’s like w/o talking to them.......but then if i Distance myself at all at any point will that be taken as rejection or whatever.......and then anyways say i Am talking to someone, then it’s like, also i’m just not fantastic at casual conversation always and that stage where you don’t know someone too well and talking is mostly a Polite Ritual and it’s like oh god don’t mess up, respond Normally lmaoo......i am nervous. and i also have a tendency to just naturally try to make an interaction go smoothly than immediately prioritize / feel comfortable busting out My Personality lmao.....so then even if ppl are responding well enough it’s like ah jeez i know we’re all performing always but have i shown them What I’m Actually Like to any significant degree, am i just masking it up / mirroring the crap out of how they talk?? and also it then takes me quite a while to put together “if someone keeps talking to you / choosing to interact with you for like, weeks, it probably means they want to / are interested in doing so” lol.........and then i’ll take ages more of trying to consciously Be More Myself without *also* feeling like this is too much of an act lol, and gradually picking up like oh they’re still not like, annoyed or disinterested or something..............what i am trying to say is it sure takes a minute lol

also when i Am attempting sometimes to like [initiate interaction] with people my version of being Active is still not all that active lmao i will be like [occasional Like] or [even more occasional reply] or [tag comments or no comments coz it’s twitter and im rt-ing stuff] and it’s like oh wow if we’re not having more regular interaction i suppose i’ve failed or something?? does this mean anything further lol, did i do anything.....but welp gotta have that perspective that Not Necessarily lol and i’m not the only person in the world who might not make friends or even friendly acquaintances easily / at the drop of a hat and u can’t necessarily read way into shit that hasn’t Actually been communicated to you.......naturally though it is easier to have some ~perspective~ and Serenity about all this sort of thing when you do already have some Friends lmao........been feeling (and consciously nudging myself towards feeling) More Chill about say like, friendly acquaintances i have who aren’t raring to interact with me on the reg.......ppl i’ll go months or half a year or more between having a convo with and then we’ll be like trading dm’s for a couple days and then it’s back to not really talking, and that Is What It Is, not necessarily a tragedy, and really it feels “rude” to acknowledge to myself like oh i’m not sure that me and whomever even Vibe well enough that *i’d* be raring to talk all the time either, but hey, it’s also true, i don’t have to be Validated by ppl who know me having me in their friend circles in any significant way......i be out here on the peripheral / outer orbits and i can appreciate that for what it is, even if, again, easier to be more Cool with that when i’m not Only in ppl’s periphery...........i appreciate the pal i have who like, 99% of how we Communicate is occasionally sending each other pics of our cats, not very intimate but also back when i was offline for months on end they eventually went out of their way to find someone to get in touch with to verify i hadn’t like died or anything lol........i appreciate the Gestures of Caring that ppl have and do extend, even if we do not actually talk regularly. 

and like also i’m bad at like. idk the main way i talk is again, At Some Length and often about real specific shit lol so im like woop aware that many ppl are not into that, or they might be down for having an exchange like that for a day and then they’re done.........not at all like wholly Against more lol Conversational conversations but i gotta say that’s more of a struggle lmao..........so let’s say befriending me takes some Patience. i kinda operate on [cat] rules. jellicle

25: How do you stop yourself from going back to toxic people?

i absolutely am Refraining from launching off on a ted talk of a tangent that is also me being the [the guy about to throw down a card on the pile on the table and that card pile is like “any conversation” and the guy is labeled “me” and the One Card about to be played is labeled “it’s capitalism” or smthing like that and also it’s all in spanish].jpg.......

anyways idk just try to keep things in perspective, right......i generally am pretty Passive about gradually sidling away from relationships that are bad and so by the time i Have exited them it’s pretty overdue lmao and i get to be quite confident that it was The Right Thing........and just when looking back on stuff it’s like, well if you remember the Good or “Not That Bad(tm)” parts maybe consciously think about the whole of it And specifically the Bad parts / the reasons for peacing out.......also the other day i was mulling over some standard [conflicted / complicated feelings about having cut certain ppl out entirely] and it also occurred to me that a lot of the [conflicted] feeling part came from sympathy for them, whereas from the perspective of Entirely My Own Feelings On The Matter minus that “how do/would they feel about it” consideration, the thought of never interacting w/ these ppl is like. fine with me lol........stuff like this is always Complicated and Individual and there’s certainly no like, one-stop simple Guide To Navigating All This Kind Of Thing, Cmon It’s Easy........another consideration i saw the other day via a graphic on twitter, which is probably most relevant re: say, controlling / abusive Partners, was how like, to think about how someone is acting if they’re saying you should Take Them Back b/c they’ve Changed their behavior, but to pay attention to if they’re trying to guilt you into it / justifying or downplaying their previous behavior / shifting blame and otherwise manifesting the inherently harmful and controlling patterns that are supposed to be gone now........anyways yeah complicated stuff and also just p.s. (and what would’ve been the jumping off point for the It’s-Capitalism tangential essay lol) ppl shouldn’t be blamed if they do choose to let someone back in their life like oh now they’re responsible for bringing their mistreatment upon themself.....no better than blaming someone for, say, having a harmful / controlling romantic partner in the first place like oh well they should’ve known better than to have gotten involved with this person..........ppl are in control of their own abusive behavior and shouldn’t be considered Forces Of Nature no matter how intransigent they are

33: Do you have someone you know you can always rely on?

tbt question 9 lol there’s defo some people that i do trust! love it....

45: Do you consider yourself creative?

another #tbt to question 1 lol.......i mean Yes i am creative in ways but like, who Isn’t, really.......think sometimes “creativity” means “do you like, do Art things” which, yes i do, but then within that there’s art that’s deemed more ~creative~ or w/e......not to mention that i don’t think something has to be definitively labeled an Art to be creative. like, for example, Science and Art aren’t opposites / the antithesis of each other, and anytime defines ~science~ as like, people just memorizing and outputting Facts and Numbers and considers this a distinction from Being An Artist.....wild and i Will fight you lmao. i tell you i can v much remember times i have had to completely disengage to keep from losing my cool at people arguing about “why i respect science but could only be an artist :’|” or “why Art is actually harder than Science and also we’re the underdogs b/c society values science so much more :’|” like.....mf...........anyways scientific pursuits may certainly have a different Methodology (see: scientific method) than art but lbr it still requires creativity and science and art are friends you fucking fools................and then also just zooming in on the Art-Making business here, i also like, have never had any interest in coming up with Original stories / characters and the like, and i don’t enjoy trying and it just really is not my thing, and it’s Funny or something when people wanna say that creative fanworks have value b/c they let ppl cut their teeth for what really matters, inevitably making their own original content(tm)......that isn’t inevitable for me lol and certainly is nothing i aim to do ever, and when there’s the suggestion that if you’re Good enough at ur medium you gotta manifest some of that original the character do not steal shit.........anyways i’m not pressed to claim i am an Artist(tm) or Creative(tm) lol like i guess technically i am both but i have no professional aspirations and my brain does not Do [generate original content] so it’s all like, i’m just out here.........s/o to this time i was trying to do my fuckin thing drawing on a tablet in a cafe and some random annoying guy is trying to talk and i happen to mention like “lol i don’t exactly call myself an artist really” and Guy goes “OH REALLY??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ARTISTS? WHAT’S YOUR ISSUE WITH ART” like please cool it lmao but god p sure it was a guy who was just. very Around and very annoying in general

49: Do you feel like you’re a good person?

yeah i think i’m alright but really what is the use in like considering there 2 be achievable Good or Bad Person Statuses for everyone........let’s say it’s an ongoing, active state to be in the process of consciously choosing to be Good and working towards Better. especially considering that We Live In A Society which tries to teach everyone and continuously imbues our existence with Bad Messages about how to perceive and engage with other people, and being A Good Person is a lifelong effort and it’s unhelpful to feel that if you’re already Good or well-intentioned enough you can just dust off your hands and be like “well my work here is done” and be unprepared to examine your beliefs/actions or deal with the might-as-well-assume-it’s-an-inevitability that even if u have some noble-ass beliefs you’ll fail to live up to them at some point/s.......so like yeah lol again i feel like i am a pretty good person but can always be better and ought to be aware of / willing to work on that at any point

[diningpageantry]

soulmates? (oh my god they were soulmates)

(im so sorry this took me a hot second. i’m also sorry this is a bit of a meme/crackfic. probably not what you were expecting, but definitely something i’m here to offer. i blame the discord for encouraging me.)

(the following fic is like, a vague rated M/E. depends on how you rate.)

Everyone’s who’s got magic has got a soul mark.

For some, it’s easy to find. Handprint on their neck, on their cheek. Commonly on their hands, or forearms, while for others, it’s more hidden. Penny’s got two, laying right on her sides. She showed me once, back in fifth year, where her’s is.  They perfectly fit Micah’s palms.

Then there’s people like Baz, whose mark I’d first caught when he thought I was asleep and he’d just gotten out of the shower, having forgotten a change of clothes and letting his towel hang around his hips.

His mark is a single palm pressed to his lower back, settling along the sloping, intimate curve right above his bum.

We all know what it means. Everyone knows what it means.

The slightly off-fleshy pigmented print is wherever your soulmate’s touching you when they first tell you they love you. Whether a light brush, or a firm grip, it fills in where their skin meets yours. Down to the lines of their palms.

For some it’s platonic–a matching one with your best friend, with palms pressed together or hands around shoulders. For others, it’s clearly romantic.

Which is, probably, why I can never stop thinking about mine.

Because it’s around my dick.

Which is something I never really put on full blast, and only two people know–Penny and Agatha.

Penny’s the first person I’ve ever told, after having told her for a while “It’s under my clothes”. But, eventually (as in, when I started dating Agatha), she’d asked me if we “Tested it”.

I asked her what “Tested it” implied, and she gave me a funny look.

“You haven’t tried to put her hand on your mark?”

That brought a load of other questions, partially narrowing down to “Is this cheating?”, then going to “Nah. If it fits, it’s right”, but then the panic set in of knowing Agatha would have to touch my prick, so I’d blurt out an answer right there.

“But we’re not there yet!”

Penny gave me a weird look, followed by me trying to explain as quietly as possible, that my mark isn’t somewhere… normal.

She just looked my trousers, and burst into laughter.

Really helped my confidence there.

But, of course, eventually we had to test it (and it wasn’t the sexiest of tests either). See, Aggie’s mark is one of those brushing marks–the nondescript, light though of fingertips to her knuckles on each side. When we were 14, I caught myself staring at them during dinner every night for a week, wondering how it’d happen. I came to the conclusion, eventually, that it was most probable that someone would be brushing their hands over hers, probably as she’s holding something, like a mug, while saying it.

Intimate, but not in my way. The sort of intimacy you’d get from late night conversations.

Mine’s the unavoidable intimate. The kind where I know we’ll be more than just friends.

Which is why it wasn’t until our Christmas that we tried.

It was in her room, late on Christmas night. We were a bit tipsy, and she was smiling more than I’ve seen her smile in over a year or so.

She’d told me, then that she’s never seen my mark. I told her it depends on a lot. She laughed, and said “What? Our virginity?”

I didn’t laugh back.

Then the room got silent. Nothing beyond the soft crackle of her fireplace before she giggled again, eyes wide at me. “Does this mean?”

“It’s on my prick, yeah. We’d have too…”

Long story short, with a lot of fumbling and awkward stares, we’d realized pretty soon that it was definitely too big of a hand to be her’s.

We broke up the next week. Nothing too emotional–it was understood on both ends. She said she didn’t want to drag us out, and I said I didn’t want to force it if it isn’t fate.

Baz made jokes when we’d split. Said I’m probably mark-less, since I’m Normal born, but I’d shot back that I hadn’t seen his either (I did), so he must be mate-less. His lips twitched, as he snapped off, telling me it’s hidden (I knew) before dropping the conversation entirely.

Two things came about that experience. One, that it’s definitely a larger hand (not particularly guaranteed that it’s a man’s hand, but I have a sneaking suspicion that a bit too big to not be). (Okay yes. It’s bigger than my hand. I’ve checked, with a bit of awkward repositioning of my own hand, and whoever’s it is is probably taller than me. Or just has longer fingers. Or maybe I just have small-ish hands?) Two, that it probably isn’t something I’d particularly want to test.

That is, unless I’d want to invite all the blokes I know over to put their hands on my prick.

(Probably should dabble in the idea that this might make me a bit gay, but that’s a thing I thought not to focused on too much.)

From that point I’d let it slip my mind.

Recede back to where everything else I’d rather not think of sits–nestled between where Watford has come to sit, along with memories of The Mage. I’d much less forgotten about it rather than ignored it, figured it wasn’t worth thinking of.

Even when I got with Baz, we decided not to test it. Neither of our marks.

Not until this morning, when he went to leave for class with a quick peck to my cheek. I’d turned, settling a hand to the small of his back as he spun around to meet me, and hummed a content “I love you, be safe” without really thinking.

We usually just say “Love you”.

I don’t know what came over me for the extra “I”, but I suppose I’d felt it today.

Then is when he promptly froze, staring at me wide-eyed and opened mouth as it hit both of us where my hand is. Where I was holding.

He, to an odd expected relief, didn’t say it back then.

He just murmured a quiet “Love you” before practically running off with a dazed look across his face.

Which is where we’re left now.

Me, waiting at Penn and I’s flat.

Baz, bringing take out for dinner.

And nothing on my mind but my prick, sadly. And it’s in the least-sexual way.

We haven’t quite broken this boundary. Nine months in. Usually, I’m not in the mood (it’s been hard to find any mood recently), or he’s too tired from classes (he began some in early summer), or he’s worried his fangs will pop and… It’s always something. We joke about it, and it isn’t like we haven’t seen each other naked, it’s not something we’ve found a proper way to break through.

But I guess this means we should figure it out today.

I startle a bit when I finally hear him, letting himself in with his key. He greets me with a kiss to my hair, unnervingly silent as he goes to unpack our food.

“So…”

“We don’t need to talk about it.” He’s got his voice his usual icy-flatness, gaze dragged over to me and looking borderline tired. I wonder if he just doesn’t have the energy.

“Do you not want to?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Looks like you don’t.”

He looks over at me, then sighs. “No…”

“Then just tell me if you don’t want to. It’s fine, I’m partially a grown up.” I sit up more. “There’s a lot to process.”

I watch as he drops his hands onto the countertop, gaze studying over the bag as he does his usual, you know, thinking before he speaks (wonder what that’s like). It’s a few seconds before he finally starts, eyes still locked on what’s below him. “It’s not just the action of it. It’s the premise. It’s… knowing something I was scared of being wrong, and the standing fear that–” he tries not to sound choked. He tries so hard, but I can hear it. The small catch in his voice. “That it isn’t right.”

I try to sit up and move towards him, but he shakes his head and exhales.

“If you want to test it, Snow,” he mumbles. “Then we can test it.”

“I…”

“What?”

I bite my lip. “Well, I’m the first one who said ‘I love you’, didn’t I?”

“Yes.”

“Then what makes you think my mark doesn’t match your hand?”

He shrugs. “The constant denial of it for years? The hopefulness I’ve held since you and Wellbelove broke it off–”

I can’t take his moping anymore. Really, I can’t. I spring up from the couch and march over just to snog him silent, nudging him up against the fridge doors as he relaxes and kisses me back. And holds onto me. And keeps me snug, letting me rub my hand over his lower back, feeling safely assured that yes, my hand most definitely does fit there.

“Simon–”

I break us apart, nudging our foreheads together as I shake my head. “Nuh-uh. Nope. Don’t.”

“But…”

“I know you’re the one, Baz. Why else would I put up with you?”

He starts to smile, trying to stop himself before it spreads out to an actual, normal sort of grin, settling his head back against the fridge. “Yes, well,” he chuckles breathily. “Feelings mutual.”

I grin, kissing his cheek and shifting our hips. “What feeling?”

He quirks a brow. “You know I can’t say it.”

“Well, you can. You’ve just gotta put your hand in my trousers.”

He scoffs, still grinning. “You’re ridiculous, Snow.”

“It’s not me!” I laugh back, “It’s the universe telling you to touch my dick!”

“Fuck the universe.” His hand catches on my chest, starting to drag down in a mind twistingly, unfairly teasing way.

“Bold words for someone complying,” I whisper heavily, tugging him closer as he pushes away my waistband.

His fingertips settle against the exposed bit of skin before starting to sink deeper. “It’s not being complicit,” he purrs back, “if it’s something I want.”

I practically moan, skin tingling as he slowly takes grip of me, and making my knees wobble. “Baz…”

“I love you.”

[kathillards]

rangerstop 2019 memories

every convention i think “it can’t get better than this” and then every convention it DOES!!! anyway this was the year of #brodysbitches click the read more to check out all the good times we had:

so first of all we all got a booth! and by “we all” i mean abbey @kimberlyannharts​ and ben @brodyromero​ to sell their art, it was called super mega art and it was super mega fun! we all hung out there a lot but we also walked around to meet the rangers and lot of them stopped by to hang out with us too which was so sweet :’)

(if you’re interested in our rangerstop 2018 memories, check out tabby @operationoverdrive​‘s post here; i’m gonna steal her format and go in chronological order by season because ohmygod so much happened all the time!!)

carla perez / rita repulsa, mmpr

carla is literally the nicest warmest person in the world i’m ready to lay down my life for her! she exudes fun mom energy and she’s so pretty and she was so happy to talk with us about rita, i think we visited her booth pretty much every day and also said hi every time she passed by our booth

we told her that we loved rita and stan villainesses!! and she loved it! and that we loved her portrayal of rita as more fun and childish and full of energy and she said yeah, the directors asked her to take rita in a new direction when she was cast while still staying true to who rita was so she decided to make rita more childish and fun with the sticking out her tongue and everything and we told her it was perfect bc rita with her tongue out is literally iconic

tabby asked how she felt about rita turning good and she said she liked it bc she got to be on screen without all the rita makeup/wardrobe but she also loved playing evil rita! i asked her if she heard about thrax and she was like OH YEAH I HEARD THEY GAVE US A SON but she definitely had not watched it (respect) and we were trying to figure out how thrax could exist and we collectively decided (mostly tabby and carla) that thrax was adopted and rita and zedd were trying to turn him good, which she loved

tabby showed her the mean girls video and she fucking loved it so much!!! she was SO impressed by how tabby manipped rita and tommy making out and she went around telling everybody “she made me kiss jdf!!” which was sooo cute and when abbey and i went to see her on our own and i was like “i heard you saw the mean girls video” she said “i did!! she’s so cute and talented!” about tabby, we love a tabby thunderpunks stan!!

we went to get a video message from her and melody for kels (cassiechans on twitter) because kels is the og villainess stan and they were so excited and REHEARSED what they were gonna say (we just asked them to do “the voice” and say “live fast die young bad girls do it well”, they came up with everything else!) and here they are, aren’t they the literal cutest things on the planet?!?!

she loved abbey’s zedd/rita design and wanted a shirt but we didn’t have her size so she told abbey to dm her when her online store is open!!!! she also signed my zedd/rita print with “bad girls do it well” bc i asked and i would DIE FOR HER

catherine sutherland / kat hillard, mmpr/zeo/turbo pink

so the first night we get to the hotel, tabby tells me to close my eyes and come over and she hands me A PINK ZEO RANGER FUNKO POP, custom made by jalenv515 on instagram (check his stuff out!) and i lost my mind because its SO good and it’s my girl and i love it and tabby and katherine so much <3 the guy who made it asked her to ask me to get a pic with it so ofc i had to do that and show catherine 

she definitely did not remember us from the last two cons we saw her at but you know what i respect that! queen of being too popular to remember faces (brennan mejia take notes) but i think she did remember me after this time :’)

i said “so tabby actually got me this as a gift because i literally love kat hillard so much she is my entire soul” and she was SO touched and delighted to see the funko pop she was like “oh my god this is so cool!” and i was like, she’s going on the center of my power rangers shrine for reals

we asked her which season she liked better for kat and she said zeo but me and tabby were like “no, turbo rights only” and listed off the amazing kat episodes in turbo and she agreed with us that the episode with the ballerina and the weight gain episode were so good! i think she says zeo automatically bc it’s her only full season and dudebros love it so she was probably surprised that we were like fuck zeo lives turbo is skinny but... turbo IS skinny :)

i asked if she read soul of the dragon and she said she did! and i said it was the only comic i read bc i have to read everything kat is in and she laughed and she said she liked it and i said i loved that kat and tommy were a partnership but i was mad kat didn’t get to morph! and she was like “i know! but it has to be all about tommy as ALWAYS” with an EYE ROLL and me and tabby were ascending THE SHADE...I LOVE HER SO MUCH

we took a pic with her holding the funko pop and then i posted the pic on instagram w/ a cheesy caption of how much i love kat and she commented “aww you are too sweet” with a pink heart emoji... my actual mother who raised me

AND THEN at the end of the last day when we were standing around waiting to say goodbyes, she was heading out and we all started saying GOODBYE QUEEN and she stopped when she saw me and said she loved the pic and the pop on instagram!!!! she remembered me!!!!! and i told her the guy who made them was really happy she liked it and he’s working on more kat pops including unmorphed kat and turbo kat and she was so thrilled!!

nakia burisse / tanya sloan, zeo/turbo yellow

so because the originals are kinda super overpriced we do not get pics w/ most of them ever dfgjkdfd IM SORRY NAKIA I <3 YOU FOREVER but she looked so beautiful in all her outfits this con im gay

but anyway i was walking around the con by myself in my yellow shirt and i passed her booth and said hi and she said she liked my shirt!! and i was like thank you its for the yellow ranger culture

she was selling these rangers as infinity war t-shirts and i asked if she designed them and she said she did!! they were so cool i almost bought one but deadass i had no fucking room left in my luggage lmao

anyway her handler was looking at me and he goes “aren’t there like..... three of you?” and im like yeah they’re not here rn but we are codependent so i cant buy anything without them dfhgkfhd and hes like “yeah i worked other cons and i remember seeing y’all as a unit” which dfhjgkdfhgd HE WAS NOT THE ONLY HANDLER TO REMEMBER US SPECIFICALLY and i said “ur right we cant function without each other” and nakia was like “aww i love that” queen of supporting our codependent dumbasses!!

melody perkins / astronema, karone, lost galaxy pink

she is soooo nice she has this high-pitched voice it’s so sweet i always feel so soothed whenever she speaks near me she is also so pretty!! 

the others talked to her without me on day 1 and melody said she liked astronema’s purple wig best and didn’t like the white wig w/ the black things in it bc they kept getting in her way, and she loved karone’s outfit because it was easier to fight in

i went with abbey to drop off her astronema doodle for melody and she loved it!! shes so cuuuute

she was so excited to do the video message for kels and it was so adorable when she messed up the first time (live fast die well bad girls do it young!) lmaoo and we showed her kels’ reaction later and she was so flattered!! she also looks so cute in her reading glasses and she LOVED the mean girls video too!!!!!!!

we told her that we hosted a villainess appreciation week online and so many people picked astronema as their faves and she was so touched <3 a literal angel sent from heaven

ann marie crouch / princess shayla, wild force

only there saturday and sunday, limited edition queen! we met her on saturday so kat could get her fanart from gazbot signed and she was ofc in her princess shayla dress and looked soooo pretty

she was so impressed by gazbot’s art that she asked we take him over to her booth and we were all like OKAY PRINCESS COMING THROUGH MAKE WAY FOR THE PRINCESS and took her over to meet him and he was so happy and she was also happy and it was just so nice.... god i love ranger cons! everyone loves power rangers! its the dream!

and then after that we took her to our booth bc it was just two away from gazbot’s and she loved it everyone always loves ben and abbey’s art bc its the greatest in the world :’)

glenn mcmillan / dustin brooks, ninja storm yellow

first of all, ben abbey and i saw him passing by while we were having dinner at gatorville and we all GASPED and he noticed and grinned and waved at us while he was walking by.... an angel literally an angel

he’s so cute and sweet! he wore his yellow shirt w/ dustin’s logo on it all three days, king of branding

i got abbey’s dustin sticker signed by him and she gave him one of his own and he loved itttt

tabby asked him about his role in zenon z3 and you could tell his brain was processing loading while he tried to rmr what the fuck that movie was but he got into it and actually answered her questions about it, it was so sweet

i overheard him telling another fan he was trying to get “sally and the others” to morphicon for a reunion!!!!!!!!!!!!!! come to pmc next september pasadena california to see if he succeeds

john tui / doggie cruger, spd shadow, daggeron, solaris knight

LITERALLY THE STAR ATTRACTION every time we passed by his booth his line was a mile long, meanwhile all the originals’ booths right across from him were like [crickets chirping] it was so funny lmao

so we only got to see him on the last day bc his line was so long and nobody wanted to stand in it but tabby wanted to meet him! and then she got scared and almost walked away but a really nice girl (i think part of chris khayman lee’s team??) stopped her and was like THIS IS UR MOMENT and it was!!!

he is literally so sweet and handsome and cuddly he’s just a big teddy bear and he’s soooo charming and nice, he was wearing a manbun and like a full suit w/ a dress shirt, absolutely flexing on all the other boys in their t-shirts and jeans

tabby asked if he would do a pose holding her hand like he’s about to kiss it and he laughed and was like “okay but don’t show my wife!!” loyal king

he also hugged her twice hes so cuddly!! and we asked him about his other roles (he was in solo!) and he said he really enjoys expanding his filmography and stuff but power rangers is close to his heart and he also really likes doing parts that his kids can watch... it was the cutest thing

and we said how cool it was to see him represent his culture and he said he loved that too ugh rangers of color only valid rangers tbhonest honestly

richard brancatisano / xander bly, mystic force green

ok so firass is really hot and at one point he stopped by our table (bc richard called him over to look at abbey’s nick and fireheart print) and he was really nice but he’s. he’s so hot. we did not go to his table all weekend bc we were so intimidated hfdghfgd so thats why he doesnt get a section. but i do still love him i just cant speak w/ him or my brain will turn to jello probably

nic also won’t get a section bc i didnt really interact w/ him much but he stopped by the table twice to talk w/ abbey he loved her and her art!! chip squared!! he ranted about how hard it was to say fireheart in an american accent for all of them it sounded cute go talk to abbey for more details

anyway back to richard: somehow we just attract green rangers like bees to honey and idk why but i’m not complaining he’s so nice and handsome and funny! and he just LOVED talking with us like we stopped by his table every day and i dont think we even talked about mystic force or anything in particular, we were just chatting and he just loved it and like never wanted us to leave basically

i did ask him a question about xander’s personality and he legit went “uhh idk” and then started talking about himself???? KING OF NOT KNOWING SHIT ABOUT HIS OWN CHARACTER love that for him bc i also dont know shit about xander

he stopped by the table a couple times (well mostly we yelled HEY RICHARD and he came over) and he was so sweet and also when we told him we didn’t have xander art at our booth he jokingly rolled his eyes and said “of course” but then ben and abbey both doodled xander and came over to show him and he was SO TOUCHED 

he hugged us all goodbye individually and then at the end we were waiting to say goodbye to aljin, richard was leaving his booth and abbey waved at him and his eyes LIT UP and he switched course to walk over to us and say goodbye again!!!! he loves us and i love him so much!!!

dwayne cameron / tyzonn, operation overdrive mercury

OPERATION OVERDRIVE IS WIG!

hes so fun to talk to, we went to him on day 1 to get my tyzonn print (from gazbot) signed and we were just talking to him about all his roles and tabby asked “was that ur real hair” and he was like lmao no can’t you tell?? and was talking about how they originally were gonna dye his hair platinum blonde but he thought it looked awful so they went w/ the ugly wig and he said they wanted to differentiate him from his previous two power rangers characters so tyzonn had to be blond

and then he kept saying wig and we kept giggling about it and we had to explain to him that wig is teen slang for something really cool and awesome and he said to try it out and gestured with his arms and it was SO funny... king of memes

my first suggestion for a video message was to have him say “operation overdrive is the best season ever and if you dont like it go suck a dick” but he vetoed that (but he was laughing) lmao

and HE’S the one who suggested he say “operation overdrive is wig” and it was perfect go check out the video on my blog 

he hugged me so tight and kissed my cheek after our pic together and i love him so much

aljin abella / theo martin, jungle fury blue

SHORT KING!!! literally the kindest nicest sweetest person ever i just wanna be in his presence all the time he’s such a ray of light he’s so smart and remembers fucking everything about his season KING OF JUNGLE FURY

his fiancee was there with him!! her name is lyndie she’s sooooo nice and she LOVED abbey’s shirts and bought an alpha one and wore it two days in a row! i fucking loved her she was so much fun to talk to and she told us about their proposal story it was so romantic and sweet

he told us so many things about jungle fury behind the scenes and how it was filming stuff and everything i honestly cant even rmr but i loved how much he knew, he told us that the actress who played fran was dating the actor who played master swoop at the time of filming and we were all like omfg (how random?? but cute)

he said he thinks theo and lily are probably still together but even if they’re not they’re still bffs bc they have such a rich history between them :’) brennan mejia take fucking notes

he said he thought they were gonna leave the theo/lily plot hanging after dance the night away and he was surprised it coming back!! but he really enjoyed it and he loves anna and i told him to get a jungle fury reunion together at pmc

he told us that this is just the first time he’s ever been properly invited to a con (i think he was sponsored by one of the toy booths or smth); people would ask him casually “hey would you wanna come to a con” and he was down but nobody ever actually officially invited him till now so @ PEOPLE WHO SPONSOR ACTORS TAKE NOTES INVITE MORE DISNEY ERA PEOPLE thank you

at the end we went to say goodbye to him and lyndie, he had been saying goodbye to some other ppl so we waited in line politely and as soon as he turned around and saw us he smiled so big and was like YOU GUYS! GROUP HUG! and he only group hugged the five of us because he loved us so much and he was so cute!! i wanna hug him forever, literally a blue angel sent from heaven

rj cyler / billy cranston, reboot blue

TALL KING!! his section goes after aljin specifically so i could say that

he is soo tall and SO handsome and FUNNY and CUTE and charming and he hugged EVERYONE AS SOON AS HE SAW US he’s so bouncy and excited and just. good vibes. so many good vibes!!!

the energy around his booth is just so much fun he’s ALWAYS laughing and joking and talking with literally anybody he sees, sometimes he did get distracted like when bl*ke f*ster (vomit.emoji) or walter jones would come up to his table and he was also late a lot but i would wait forever and ever.mp3

as soon as tabby walked w/ her blue ranger plushie he goes OH MY DAMN and immediately asks to hold it and just spends five minutes bouncing around cuddling it TEDDY BEAR PRINCE CHARMING <333

he said he already owns 3 and was like “i dont wanna own EVERYTHING w/ my character because that seems weird?” and kat was like “no that’s king behavior” and he was like u kno wat... ur right

tabby talked to him about scream and abbey talked to him about swamp thing when we went back to him on sunday bc my friends are fuckin nerds go ask them about their convos w/ him!! abbey asked him why he was always dying in water and he was like I KNOW and he said he didnt like death scenes bc they made him be still and he’s so bouncy and hates being still and quiet dfgjkkdfdgk

we got two super cute polaroids with him and our whole group i will post them later maybe on twitter? THEYRE SO CUTE I LOVE HIMMMM

james davies / chase randall, dino charge black

ohhh my god he’s so sweet.... he also looks So good w/ a beard.... he’s literally just so nice! he always smiles so big and looks right in your eyes when he talks to you and he’s just...so sweet. when we went back and watched true black in the hotel room we were so weirded out by chase being such an asshole bc its sooo different from james’ entire personality lmao

showed him ben’s chase print and he loved it <33 he signed mine “chase the hotshot” bc i asked him to and i love it

idk what we talked about tbh he’s so pretty.... he started interviewing kat when she asked him to sign her print which was super funny bc we were all like For Why djkfghdg he just wants to get to know everyone...its cute

he asked us “whats the difference between a pillow and a cushion” and we all had a mini existential crisis trying to figure it out

idk what else to say hes just really cool and i hope he comes back bc i would love to see the whole dino charge cast vibing together

brennan mejia / tyler navarro, dino charge red

what a man what a man what a mighty good man.mp3

first time he passed by our booth on day one we all gasped BRENNAN and he waved hi :D he’s very easily distracted he was only at his booth like half the time lmao

i also called him over later to show him ben’s print and he was like omg this is so cool and i was like do u remember him (ben) from last year and he was like of course! idk if he was lying but hes cuuuute

we yelled at him for saying tyler/shelby would break up last year and he laughed but he REFUSED to take back his WRONG opinion even after kat made him sign “tyler + shelby forever” on her print, king of being stubborn

kat asked him if he wanted to make out w/ her tiny pink dino charge figure and he was like i really DONT wanna do that, he was laughing but it was cute bc he didnt even try to humor us at all (the way other actors do when we say “oh we loved this part!” and they go oh yeah totally same lmaoo) just kept joking around with us like we were FRIENDS

WE ASKED HIM TO SING FOR US first i asked for the triceratops song and he was like ummmmmmm so then we suggested the n-zed boys song and he was like ok but i dont rmr the lyrics so ben had to teach them to him and then he asked if ben would sing it with him and i told him to ask nicely and he made PUPPY DOG EYES at ben and well #bennanfirstwin

(we tried to get james to sing after that, and brennan begged him to sing too BECAUSE HE’S A PROFESSIONAL SINGER and actually got cast in hairspray??? omg? but he started blushing and refused every single time we asked dfhgjdd hes so cute!!! he also apparently choreographed the tyler/shelby dance in that episode, multitalented king of the arts)

we talked to him about pokemon and he said he’s getting shield but he hasnt picked a starter yet bc he hasnt seen the evolutions and we (me and ben) were like, well do u wanna see the leaks? and he was like JSUT the evolutions so the next day i saved some pics and went back to him and he looked thru them and he said he liked them all but he really liked the grookey final evo so for all you pokefans out there, that’s where he stands (he also let us add him on pogo altho he does not open gifts ever so far so what is the POINT of you brennan)

he also played smash on the switch w/ our friend jobber and apparently CRUSHED HIM, nerdy ass bitch. love him so much

we mentioned we loved tyler’s og curly hair in s1 and he says it was so hard to maintain bc curly hair does whatever it wants so he likes his new straight hairstyle better bc he can make it do what he wants and like, same, but also :(

he also vibe checked tabby’s phone and it was fucking awesome

literally every time we were talking to james or will or anyone else and he was around and we locked eyes w/ him he would grin or make a funny face god he’s soooo cute. he also commented on my insta post of him doing a handstand and i lost it hes SO CUTE!! the only man in the world except for.......

william shewfelt / brody romero, ninja steel red

BRODY ROMERO FIRST, GOD SECOND

literally the first thing i blurted out was i love you thank you for brody romero i love seeing a desi character on power ranger SO much and he was just completely shocked that we all KNEW he was desi and he was like, yeah my mom’s indian but my dad’s caucasian and i was like so what bitch you STILL COUNT 

he was, like, so touched that we knew and cared about him being desi and was like “wow you guys really know a lot” and kat the traitor was like “yeah they stalked you to figure out who tf you are” dfgjkdfhgd and we mentioned jasmeet and ppl thinking he was the first indian ranger and will was like “yeah i heard about that and i didnt wanna make it a big thing but...” LIKE HONEY PLEASE WE GOT SHOOTERS OUT HERE FOR BRODY ROMERO 

its so overwhelming to even think about bc brody romero is literally LITERALLY my favorite ranger of all time and we spent SO MUCH time talking to will and all of it was fucking amazing i’ll try to point out the highlights but god there was just so much i love him SO much

he talked a lot about the time he spent in new zealand (bc zali and nari were there from australia and talking to him about it) and he told us a lot of stories about the cast getting drunk and having fun, he told us about the time he and the boys went w/ jordi to his home and learned about maori culture and he had to eat bugs and about the time nico got blackout drunk at star casino and made out w/ a completely random girl and they all gave him hell for it later lmao

he was having so much fun talking to us that at one point a random dudebro came up and brennan was around the booth and we were like “oh did you wanna buy something” and dudebro was like “no i just wanted to show them my comic” which literally was just an mmpr comic and he wasn’t even paying for anything what the fuck?? and will took one look at him and his comic and went “uh one second man” and turned back to us and completely ignored him until he went away and we all DIED laughing i love him SO much (sorry to brennan for leaving him w/ the dudebro lol)

at some point he was talking about other actors that he’s met and i asked if he’s seen other seasons and he made the :grimace: emoji and was like no and i was like good keep it that way ninja steel is the only season :) and he started laughing and was like COME OVER HERE AND HUG ME i could stay wrapped in his arms forever tbh

he called himself daddy once and everyone yelled at him

he said everyone in the ninja steel cast would just kiss each other on the mouth, but platonically, and kelson kissed all of them at least once and he kissed nico twice and it was just like, a thing they did and we were all like okay.gif but it was so cute

he said he felt bad for chip bc the cast was always asking him to adjust things and bringing up their own ideas for writing (things we know from peter complaining about chip’s writing and trying to get his own ideas in...) and said he preferred to not annoy him w/ all of that BUT he did say he got annoyed himself when chip would direct episodes and be VERY particular about exactly how he wanted them to act and we were like fuck him is he an actor??? and he laughed... he literally thought we were so funny even tho we are not at all lmao

at one point he was talking about how jordi was shirtless a lot and had big boobs (his words) and i said, on instinct, “tits out for ninja steel” and he goes what?? and asked me to repeat it and i had a brief moment of panic but i did repeat “tits out for ninja steel” thru my giggles and he burst into laughter again dfhjkgdfd TO BE CLEAR i should not have said that pls dont say that to actors’ faces he so easily could’ve made it uncomfortable or creepy (some actors...not mentioned in this post...are fucking creepy) but he didnt bc hes an angel so i guess its fine

every time we were hovering around brennan’s table on day 3 tabby says will kept looking over in our direction i think he missed us bc we were actually fun to talk to and not fucking dudebros trying to tell him the plots of seasons he does not give a shit about bc he wasnt in them (literally u do not need to explain the plot of dino thunder to actors who were not in dino thunder, pls calm down) and also bc he loves us :)

we all went in to save him from a dudebro at one point by just asking him random questions and the dudebro KEPT HOVERING like trying to be in the conversation as if we were FRIENDS with him (dont do this unless ur paying the actor for his time!!! he wasn’t even buying anything he was like “i’m just here to talk” bitch get his autograph or GO) and the dudebro tried to flex on us by being like “oh were you guys at th power morphicon with the yoshi and peter hug” and tabby got confused (bc we were at the next pmc and said yes) and kat just lied and said yes bc she hates dudebros and ben (the only truthful person) said no and abbey said yes and then will turned his head all the way around to me on the side and was like “were you there?” and i mean... i wasnt....but he wouldnt stop looking at me WHAT WAS I GONNA DO, DISAPPOINT HIM? so i said yes :) 

after the dudebro FINALLY fucking left kat was like “oh thank god we can leave now” and will was so confused until he realized “were you guys just trying to save me from talking to him” and he laughed and was so touched he was like “thank you guys you can see how my face just goes dead when they talk to me” dfhgjkdfg and we were like literally send up the bat signal any time you need us to save you and he said we were the best people to talk to the whole con and he loved ussss

at one point we were talking about indian rep in power rangers and he looks at ME and goes “so what do you think of jazz as desi rep” and idk will what am i supposed to think when you’re staring into my soul??? i said he was cool and i liked ravi but he wasn’t red and i’m red ranger ride or die so :) i just love brody romero so fucking much idk what else i was supposed to say.... ur literally ingrained in my soul william NOBODY ELSE CAN COME CLOSE

i asked “how much money do i have to pay to get you to arm wrestle brennan for me” and he was like “i dont know if there’s enough money in the world but you can ask brennan” and i called brennan over like “brennan will you please arm wrestle will for me” and he DID and it was so fun they were having such a good time, in the second round we all started chanting NINJA STEEL NINJA STEEL and you can see brennan getting shook by that for a second and then later will told us he appreciated our chanting so much and we were like yeah man, ninja steel FOREVER anyway here are the videos: one and two :) (they did not make me pay for it, generous kings)

(and the next day when we went to brennan’s booth like the first thing he does is whip out his phone, show us a video his handler took of the arm wrestling match and go WILLIAM CHEATED. me: and what about it?.gif)

we got a polaroid of all of us + brennan + will (brennan had to phone will to get him to come back to the booth at our request, ty king, and will came right over and brennan was like “sry if we interrupted something” and will was like nah not at all, idk what brennan said but i like to imagine he came running bc he heard it was us lol) and then he refused to let me pay when i came back to get him to autograph it GENEROUS KING OF MY HEART.MP3

brennan signed the polaroid first and his signature took up the whole bottom part of the polaroid and we yelled at him for not leaving any room for will and he was like “oh whoops....well he can sign THE BACK” i love it when he sasses us; so then we went to show will and he was like wow brennan and then signed his autograph EVEN BIGGER in sparkly silver pen all over the top so basically they had a dick-measuring contest over my polaroid and it was awesome, will’s is bigger tho B)

he also followed me and ben on instagram after day 2 and then EARLIER TODAY (11/13) he was stalking and followed ben’s personal acct and also reposted his ninja steel art onto his story and tagged him so in conclusion, brody romero first god second

WAIT IM NOT DONE when we went to say goodbye we were like “oh are you packing up soon” and he was so sparkly eyed over us chilling at his table he was like “nah im not” and then he looked at his phone and it was half hour till the con closed and he was like “oh wait never mind i guess i am” lmaoo king of not keeping track of time AND THEN HE HUGGED US ALL GOODBYE IN A BIG GROUP HUG and his biceps almost crushed abbey

(btw brennan did not hug us goodbye this time i think he was jealous we spent all our time gushing over will) (im kidding we still love you brennan)

william shewfelt i would die for you

phew ok i think that’s pretty much everything??? we also made a lot of cool friends w/ artists and stuff!! we talked to gazbot a lot and that was super fun, the girls next to our booth made custom power rangers pillows and they were really cool! i think kat, tabby, and ben all bought pillows from them they were really soft and cute, we talked to ceevee a lot (he actually gave me his extra exhibitor badge bc his brother couuldnt make it and then a different artist saw my badge saying “ceevee illustrations” and gave me a sticker for free because “you work for chris and he’s awesome” dfhgjdfhd i went back and paid him tho bc you dont take free shit from artists, kids! pay them for their work!) spent a lot of time yelling (nicely) at ceevee to make a poppy pin and he said he would bump it up the list for me :)

other cool stuff:

catherine posting me on insta

jessica replying to this post of super mega art + azim liking it

mike ginn replying to this tweet thread even tho he hasn’t been online in 12 days

check out our twitters for even more details that i undoubtedly missed in this post: me / tabby / kat / ben / abbey

in conclusion: POWER MORPHICON 2020 LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

[readyourimgaines]

The One Where Chandler and Joey Come Out

Reposting because I accidently deleted it when pressing the wrong button and also because I’m petty want to make it show up on an idiot’s dash again. -Freddie

“No.” 

“Chan, come on. It’s been almost four months, we should tell them sooner than later,” Joey tried to persuade his boyfriend.

“No. No. No. Joey, I love you, but I can’t tell. Not yet.” 

“And why not, huh?” Joey tossed the spoon in his into the empty tomato sauce can. 

“I can admit to you that I’m like my dad. I can do that. But telling everyone else that I’m like him-” Chandler’s face lost all colour when what he said sunk in. “I-I’m not ashamed of being with you, I promise.” 

“I knew what you meant,” Joey dismissed. “Look, I’m still trying to get used to this ‘bisexual’ idea, alright? It’s weird. I didn’t know you could like both but here I am.” Joey added a little bit of salt to the noodles he had on the stove. “I just feel like we should tell the guys. They tell us everything.” 

Chandler sighed from where he sat on the other side of the kitchen and burrowed his hands in his hair. “We have to do this, don’t we?” 

“They’d appreciate it.” Joey nodded. 

Chandler didn’t move for a little bit, his mind racing with what their reactions might be. Ross bordered on homophobic because of Carol and Susan. Monica, personally, wouldn't mind and he knew that if Ross stopped hanging out with Joey and him then so would Monica and there goes Rachel. The only one that he thought wouldn’t care at all- even support them- was Phoebe. 

Chandler was pulled from his racing thoughts by Joey gently kissing his lips. “You okay in there?” Joey asked, tilting his head slightly. 

“That’s yet to be decided.” Chandler sighed again and leaned forward slightly so their foreheads touched, his blue-green eyes looking into Joey’s chocolate ones. “You really think we should tell them?”

“I really think we should tell ‘em.” 

“Then we’ll tell them.”

***

“Anything planned for tonight?” Rachel asked the group. 

“Not really.” “My date cancelled.” “No.” Came the scattered answers of Ross, Monica, and Phoebe. 

“Well, we’ve gotta do something; I don’t work tonight.” 

Chandler and Joey looked at each other and Joey nodded. Chandler adjusted how he was sitting on the armrest of the chair Joey occupied and tightly held his boyfriend’s hand behind his back. “Uh-” he cleared his throat, “Joey and I got something we can do.” 

“Yeah?” Phoebe asked with a slowly growing smile, getting a feeling for what was about to happen. “What’s that?”

“There’s something we should tell you guys and we’ve been tossing the idea around for a couple days, actually.” 

“Oh god, one of you is moving!” Phoebe clasped her hands over her mouth in mock shock. She wasn’t as dumb as they all thought and she’d known about the two since before they themselves did. 

“No, no, we ain’t moving.” Joey dismissed. 

“So, you guys know how everyone thinks I’m gay because I have that certain ‘quality’ to me?” Chandler asked. He got a scattered and murmured answer of yes. “Well, I don’t know about the ‘quality’ but they’re not wrong on the gay part.” He cast his eyes down, scared of their reactions. 

“Wait, so you’re really gay?” Rachel asked. 

“Well he’d have to be to do half the stuff we’ve done,” Joey spoke up. 

The group stared at them in shock. “You’re both gay?” Ross asked. Chandler stiffened, preparing himself. 

“I am...Joey’s bi.” 

“What?” 

“Bi, ya know?” Joey went on. “Bisexual. I’m into girls and guys?” 

“So you two are going out?” Monica asked, still processing. 

“Yeah…” Chandler was still waiting for someone to blow up- mainly Ross- and compare him to his father. 

“That’s awesome!” Phoebe clapped. “How long have you two been together?” 

“Almost four months,” Chandler said slowly. 

“Wait.” “Why didn’t you tell us?” Monica and Rachel spoke together. 

“Well, we didn’t know how you were guys were going to react,” Joey said. “We’ve been debating tellin’ you guys since our one month but we were sorta on edge.” 

“Why?” Monica asked. “It’s just us.” 

“Yeah, but two dudes together ain’t exactly the norm,” Joey went on. 

“You know we weren’t going to be upset.” Monica smiled kindly, putting a hand on each of their knees to bring them some sort of comfort. “In fact, I’m going to make Chandler’s favorite dinner and Joey’s favorite dessert to celebrate.” 

Ross had yet to say anything and was still staring at the floor. Chandler was starting to get antsy at his friend’s silence and Joey noticed. “Chan?” he whispered under Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe’s excited chatter. “You okay?”

“What? Yeah.” 

“What’s going on?” 

“I don’t know yet. I’m still trying to judge that.” Chandler spoke. He was waiting for Ross to do something. “Damn I could use a smoke right now.” 

“No, no. Ya don’t need a smoke.” Joey gently ran his hand through Chandler’s hair and smiled lightly when his boyfriend tilted his head into the touch. “Wanna take a walk? Go around a block or two so you can get some air?” 

Chandler considered. “That sounds nice. We can pick up something for dinner so it’s useful.” 

“We can do that. Sure.” Joey turned a bit on looked into the kitchen where Monica was already working on the lasagna. “Hey Mon?” 

“What’s up?” 

“Do you need anything from the store? Chandler and me can go get it.” 

“Uh...I’m working on the sauce right now...uh… Oh! I don’t have cottage cheese. You sure you guys are okay getting it?” 

“Yeah. We’re big boys now, Mon,” Chandler piped up with his usual defensive humor. 

“Alright, well thank you.” 

“Not a problem.” Joey smiled as he and Chandler stood up from their chair. “We’ll be back in fif-” Chandler shook his head a little and mouthed twenty. -”twenty minutes.” 

“See you guys.” “Bye.” Came the voices of Phoebe and Rachel. The boys waved over their shoulders as they walked out the door holding hands. Chandler closed the door behind him and the second the door was closed Rachel whacked the back of Ross’s head. 

“What was that for?” he asked. 

“Why haven’t you said anything? You’re scaring the hell out of Chandler.” Rachel folded her arms across her chest as she looked at the black haired doctor. 

“Well I’m sorry if I’m a little uneasy with two of my best friends coming out as gay right after my ex-wife gets married to her lesbian lover,” Ross retorted. 

“Well you should be.” Phoebe agreed with Rachel. “It took a lot of courage for them to tell us and then you go and act like this. They’re trusting us with a very important part of themselves.” 

“Yeah. Besides, I think it’s sweet. I mean, how did we never notice it before?” Monica asked from where she was stirring a pot of tomato sauce on the stove. “They’re always hanging off each other or touching each other in some way.” 

“Joey kissed Chandler on New Years two years in a row,” Phoebe added. 

“Chandler blowing through girlfriends like a little kid with bubbles.” Rachel added. “He even stopped trying to correct us when we teased him about the whole quality thing.” 

“You guys have never heard them doing anything?” Ross asked. 

“No.” Monica said simply. “I just- they’re two of our closest friends. How could we have missed this?” 

“Well, it’s not exactly in the norm yet.” Phoebe said. “Girls can be all cuddly with each other; you and Ross get cuddly; I just thought they were being friends.”

***

“He hates me.” Chandler said as he walked side by side with Joey still holding hands. “We never should have said anything.” 

“Hey, hey. He doesn’t hate you, he’s just Ross. He’ll come around,” Joey promised. “Don’t worry so much, Chan.” 

“I-I- we shouldn’t have said anything a month after his ex-wife gets married to a woman. We the hell were thinking?” Chandler ran his free hand through his hair. 

“Remember what Ross told Carol when she an’ Susan almost called off their wedding? We didn’t tell ‘em for them. We told ‘em for us. We’re gonna be happy together whether or not Ross is happy for us, m’kay? And hey, I hate to say it- actually, I don’t. If Ross stops hangin’ out with us because we’re together then he’s not who I thought he was and I think we’d be better off without ‘im.” Joey finished his rant and brought their hands to his mouth, kissing their intertwined knuckles. “I love you, Chandler. And I ain’t gonna stop lovin’ you for anyone.” 

“I love you too, Joey.” Chandler pecked his cheek.

***

“We’re back.” Chandler announced as he opened the door, feeling much better about things than he was before. 

“Hey uh, guys...” Ross stood from where he was sitting at the kitchen table and tried to quickly word things in his mind before speaking them aloud. “I wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. I just...I wasn’t expecting this and I shouldn’t have been so aloof with it. I want you guys to know that I don’t care that you guys are- I mean- I uh, I do care. I just- I’m not upset that you two are together. I promise. I just have to get used the fact that Carol and Susan aren’t the only gay people in the world and that anyone can be gay.” 

Chandler was beaming by the time Ross stopped talking. He gave Ross a tight hug and Ross wasted no time in returning it. “It means a lot to hear that. I know we could have picked a better time, with Carol and Susan getting married and all-” 

“No, no. This is on me, not on you guys. Rach had a good point. I shouldn’t be supporting my ex-wife but leaving my friends out to hang. She’s right and I was right when I told Carol that what other people think of your relationship doesn't matter. You aren’t together for them, you’re together for each other.” 

“Anyway,” Phoebe jumped in, “how did you know you were gay?” 

“I uh...I was in denial for a long time,” Chandler said. “I guess I’ve known since high school, I just didn’t want to admit it…” 

“Remember two years ago when I kissed Chandler on New Years?” Joey got a chorus of conformations. “Yeah. Since then.” 

“So… does the sex feel different?” Ross asked slowly. 

“Depends on the act, I guess…” Chandler shrugged. 

“Like, if ya goin’ in, it ain’t too different,” Joey started. Chandler was already red faced and hiding his face against Joey’s shoulder blade. “But the hand stuff is waaay better ‘cause ya both actually know what you’re doin’.” 

“Oh, that makes sense.” Phoebe nodded. 

“Can we please discuss anything el-” 

“So who’s on top? How does that work?” Rachel asked. “‘Cause Chandler’s taller than you, but your personality is more commanding.” 

Chandler figured if his face got any more red it melt. “We just go for it.” He muttered. 

“We flipped a coin once.” Joey reminded him. 

“Have you guys told your families?” Monica asked trying to save Chandler from becoming any more embarrassed.

“My family knows an’ they don’t mind too much.” Joey nodded. 

“I haven’t said anything yet,” Chandler said. He traded hiding his face behind Joey to hugging the slightly shorter man from behind. “I don’t really plan to… I mean, if my mom finds out she does but I don’t plan on telling her.” 

“But so we’re all good ‘ere?” Joey checked. 

“All good.” Phoebe answered for the group.

[lord-king-saint]

WEAK BOUNDARIES pt1

theres always that one person that loves you so much that you'll never doubt yourself-- or your "lovability"-- ever again. my person came late, and it didnt last, but it changed me forever.

snap wasnt the most beautiful man in the world-- but he was cute. a mutual friend introduced us at brunch, and i thought he was funny, and decent, but i figured i would never see him again. socializing in the city was so transitory.

but i did see him again, that same day. i left brunch, ran some errands, and was craving something cheap and greasy, so i went to panda express. while devouring the thin and crispy chow mein noodles, i saw a cute lil bubble butt in line. i was staring, but maintaining my queer hyperviligance-- until i realized it was him. it was snap, wearing a tight jogging outfit, and it amused me. why go for a jog if youre just going to eat bad chinese afterwards? i was intrigued.

when he recognized me, he danced over and sat at my booth. he didnt look sweaty-- but who was i to judge? i mean, he was in better shape than i was, so he had more social capital in gay world; and he had soft skin, a professional beard, and liquid green eyes. the more i looked, the more i found things to like.

he was a therapist who worked at a middle school, and we made small talk about our mutual friends. he said i had a good effect on everyone in the group. my mere presence cooled the egos of the gays who tended to be more self-involved, he noticed. it was definitely shade, but i was humble and simply said thank you-- and i remained humble when he asked for my number. he was hard to read, but i was open to his friendship. he was funny, and decent.

later, i discovered he had a partner, who happened to be very handsome. a group of us went on the rooftop together to drink wine, and snap's partner had just returned from spain filled with stories, and we got along well. i noticed that as a couple, they werent intimidated by how i could cool and dazzle a crowd. they were both drawn to it.

it was always fun to run into them. one night, a group of us went dancing and we enjoyed being sloppy drunk messes together. snap cannot dance to save his life. he made awkward hip gyrations, leaned on one leg, and would thrust his arms out in long offbeat displays of emotionality. he was terrible, and dangerous to dance with, because you could easily lose an eye.

even when sober, he danced like a staggering drunk with no rthythm-- but i loved that about him. i loved seeing him express himself, because he truly looked free, and i admired that. it was his own interpretative dance, and eventually the three of us were slowly grinding together, to the gay classics. when they drove me home, i sensed "something" there, but i thought better of it and went home alone. i wasnt prepared to be that messy.

but then, the happy couple came to my spa, and invited me into their hot tub, while i was on the clock. they were both naked. i thanked them, but declined. id never had a threesome, and i was just beginning my queer sexual odyessy. i didnt want to experiment and get my sea legs with my friends. i felt there was too much to risk.

months went by, and eventually the happy couple broke up, just before christmas. they were together for a year. by now, our gay tribe was meeting once a week, and during our Monday Night Dinner, snap spilled the beans. he was distraught, because he had never been broken up with. not only was it devastating, but it was new, so we asked how we could support him. "just text and visit me more," he said. my heart bled for him.

so, i texted him, and visited him more. i even gave him a massage, and invited him out with us to dance or watch standup. i realized i didnt know that much about him, really. he was a secretive scorpio, despite his decent casual nature, and i enjoyed making him laugh, and letting him pour his stories into me. i was an unhealthy empath at the time, and it made me feel good to be a receptacle for his feelings, while also showing him a good time. i thought i was healing him! and so, snap grew very attached to me.

he invited me over to his apartment to see his shelves of comicbooks. we would play music and hold each other while he poured his soul into me, telling me about how he scared his partner away with his jealousy, and his insecurity. i should have seen the red flags early, but i was a trauma victim. i was traumatized from childhood to avoid prolonged human touch-- but snap made me feel so safe in his arms! it surprised me, and it was healing me. i felt like he could hold me all night, and i wouldnt try to escape. it clouded my judgment.

there were so many nights with snap: cuddling with him, spooning him, making him laugh, burying his face in my neck, wrapping our legs and touching feet, breathing, going to new thought churches, planning our new years eve, laying out ideas for a podcast, doing yoga, talking to Alexa, walking to the comicbook store holding hands, crying, talking about libido, making salty mario kart jokes, listening to his top 100 new year playlist, and just laying in bed, him playing with my necklace.

we made plans to drive to san mateo for new years, but while we were rolling around the bed, and i threatened to tickle him, he cried out in fear. it felt like i was struck with a cold lightning bolt! i jumped off of him! i was so sorry! but he said he was fine. he said he was only triggered, and he confessed that i had a lot of power over him. it was the night before new years eve, but i didnt sleep.

the next morning, we were organizing the trip, but he was dark and faraway. i wanted to talk about the night before, and the cry that haunted my thoughts, but he went completely silent. suddenly, i realized what i was doing. i was over-involving myself in snap's dramas, and abandoning my own boundaries. when snap finally spoke, he said that i was in a precarious situation, because snap was still sensitive because of his ex, and he didnt want to take it out on me.

why was i abandoning my friends on new years to be with someone i just met? why was i playing caretaker for snap when he needed to be alone, to process his breakup? i was out of order, so i tried to bail. perhaps i should be with my friends instead. "this is your pattern!" he shouted angrily. "why are you doing this?"

i dug deep.

"im afraid that youre just saying youre fine, but secretly youre still mad at me!" i confessed, starting to cry. "i feel like im being punished for making a mistake!"

next thing i knew, i was sobbing in his arms, and he was stroking my head, soothing me, while my diaphragm pushed hoarse cries into his chest. this wasnt normal or proportionate, and we never resolved the actual issue. instead, we were trauma bonding, and when i finished sobbing, i was filled with so many chemicals, and i was so relieved from expressing my childhood trauma, that i changed my mind and went to san mateo with him.

it was his coworkers new years party, and we ate sliders on hawaiian buns, drank wine, danced the cumbia, and bought a hotel to sleep together. we changed into pajamas, spooned, and in the dark, with my arms around him, snap said, "where have you been all my life?"

when we returned home, i didnt leave. i helped change his bedding, i coached him through his exercises, and he lipsync'd to his favorite songs while i gushed. snap was becoming important to me. whatever he believed, especially about me, affected me greatly. i wanted to be his favorite person in the whole world.

he asked to take me to capitola for another vacation, but my friends warned me that we should spend some time apart, and i sensed they were right, so i did. snap was disappointed, but he went with his friends without me-- until he called me from capitola, and said he was coming back early, to see me. his girlfriends said he talked about me the whole trip, and he offered to drive back, even pick me up some food, and take me to a party.

"i cant believe i miss you this much after just two days!" he laughed. i hugged him tightly. i was happy he missed me. i never wanted to be apart from him, and he felt the same way! he even offered to throw my 30th bday party!

meanwhile, he was showering me with gifts. "look in the bag," he said one night. he had purchased me $60 worth of allergy supplements, the ones i had always wanted! i jumped on top of him and kissed him all over his face.

"youve shown up for me in such a powerful way, and it means more than words can say," he said, holding me. "youre my favorite person."

it was like crack.

we were fully enmeshed.

snap wasnt healing from his past relationship, and i was letting him use me as a distraction. i wanted his energy! i wanted his attention! i didnt care! it was a fully functioning codependent relationship-- and soon, i would have to fight my way out of it.