#sorry still not over that one scene in s8. its fine. i get it. dean winchester is not a consistent character he is a grabbag of traits

[quietwingsinthesky]

OH SO THIS TIME CASTIEL BEATS DEAN UP UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MIND CONTROL, IT ISN'T HIS FAULT BUT WHEN NAOMI FORCES HIM TO DO IT, DEAN GETS PISSED ABOUT THAT???

[mittensmorgul]

So everyone around here should know by now that I find s6 really narratively shaky, and it clearly has its ups and downs. That murky middle section I cringe my way through every time, some dubious-at-best standalone eps. But it also has some of my absolute favorite episodes in the entire series. 6.11 is right there. 6.09 is the most delightful soulless!Sam episode and just delightful in general. 6.15 tops most people’s lists. And then the run I watched today-- 6.17 through 6.21.

I went back to the Hellatus Rewatch Notes I did over the summer, and wasn’t surprised to find just this one post with three short paragraphs:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/186154895705/619-mommy-dearest-ouch-this-marks-the

and this tag: #i just couldn't face writing long wailing meta about the manipulation revealed in 6.20 today sorry

I’m not sure I’m in any better place to write that long wailing meta today, but I’m going to at least try. The narrative we’re seeing spin out over the first half of s15 deserves it. I think it’ll be easier if I talk about this whole chunk of episodes at once, though. S6 might be pretty slapdash as a whole, but this run of episodes in particular seems to all be working together to tell a coherent story, and to be setting up massive narrative paths that Dabb Era has chosen to walk back down from a different perspective. So rather than talk about each of these episodes, I’m gonna talk about what they mean, for the cosmology of the universe, Chuck’s role in all of this and how the parallels have been drawn back to this by his actions in s15, and Castiel’s position in all of it. Dean’s, too, but I’m even going to talk about that in relation to Castiel, because for better or worse, s6 had played the long con on Cas, and as far as we knew at the time, the Storyteller had won...

We’ve all discussed the disconnect between Dean and Cas in s15, but so much of that has fallen into debates over which one of them was right or wrong in their disagreement. I don’t think EITHER of them was right, OR wrong. They’ve just been coming at this fundamental question of Free Will from opposite sides, for the entire series.

For billions of years-- or according to 6.20 at least 400 million years or so if Cas was standing at a shoreline watching the first fish flop itself up on land-- Cas has been. S4 established his character, showed us his doubts in Heaven’s plans that led him from loyalty to rebellion, through torture and brainwashing to fighting free of that in the end. That established his journey into understanding free will and humanity, truly, in ways that he expressed in 6.20 that he desperately tried to share with other angels. Most of those other angels... never understood, never had a reason to understand. Like teaching poetry to fish. Even the angels loyal to Cas, or who didn’t want to follow Raphael in the wake of the failed apocalypse, never seemed to understand this.

S8 gave us some additional insight into Cas, through Naomi’s description of him as an angel that never followed orders, at least not completely. That he’d always had a rebellious streak, or perhaps just a spark of curiosity and interest in creation, and humanity specifically. He refused to participate in horrors inflicted on humanity in the name of Heaven and had been punished by it and programmed back into angelic compliance every time.  But until Dean Winchester, he’d never truly rebelled. He’d never rejected Heaven entirely. And even then, that rejection didn’t happen until season twelve. He’d still been trying to maintain a loyalty to the other angels even through s9 when Metatron told him he may drape himself in the flag of Heaven, but he still did everything for one man. I don’t think that was a lie at that point, but I do believe it’s something Cas hadn’t actually admitted to himself until that point. And he wouldn’t admit it to another angel until 12.19, when he told Kelvin in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t acting on Heaven’s behalf, but to spare the Winchesters.

(yep, even then, after the mixtape, after all of that, Cas was still on about Sam and Dean... and even in 13.04 as he argues with the Empty for his freedom, he still frames it in terms of Sam and Dean... ironically the same thing that Dean has taken heat for when talking to Cas, always making it “you, me, and Sam” in 11.23 and the beer run scene and in 12.19... Cas is just as guilty of not being specific as Dean is, for different reasons, but to the same effect)

Back to s6 though. Cas did make his choices. He was adamant (on flashbacks from 6.20) that Dean was “retired,” that he wasn’t to be dragged back into their fight, even as he was desperate to ask Dean for his help. (again, I still blame Sam and his terrible promise he extracted from Dean in 5.22 for that one) Regardless, that choice led Cas down a cascading spiral of worse and worse choices in a desperate attempt to shield Sam and Dean from what I’ll call The Story. Except in doing so, he’d only kept digging the hole for himself deeper and deeper, not realizing that he hadn’t been set up to be the hero, but the villain.

This is the position Chuck seems to desperately want Sam and/or Dean to finally accept in s15:

Chuck: No, this is more, this is….. hope. That’s what’s stopping me. You, you still think that Dean and Cas are gonna fly through those doors just in the nick of time. You still think that you’re the hero of this story. You still think you can win.

And that’s exactly the taunt Metatron used on Cas in 9.18. And it’s exactly the taunt Crowley used on Cas in 6.20:

CROWLEY You kill my hunters. Why can't I kill yours? CASTIEL They're my friends. CROWLEY You can't have friends, not anymore. I mean, my God. You're losing it! CASTIEL I'm fine. CROWLEY Yeah. You're the very picture of mental health. Come on. You don't think I know what this is all about? CASTIEL Enlighten me. CROWLEY The big lie -- the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore.

and this is part of a much larger passage-- their entire conversation in Hell-- but the point boils down to this:

CROWLEY Granted. Yes. But just to show you how serious I am about this scheme...How about I float you a little loan? Say, 50 large? 50,000 souls from the pit. You can take them up to heaven. Make quite a showing. It's either this or the Apocalypse all over again. Everything you've worked for -- everything that Sam and Dean have worked for -- gone. You can save us, Castiel. God chose you to save us. And I think...Deep down...You know that.

YOU CAN SAVE EVERYONE, CASTIEL. Dean, Sam, Humanity, Earth-- even Heaven and, grudgingly, Hell too. And in doing so, prove God resurrected you for a PURPOSE. This was what Cas needed, what motivated him the entire year he resisted bowing to Raphael and obediently falling in line while the apocalypse started up again. He could have a purpose, a mission.

Cas had still been struggling with this in Dabb Era. His desperation to “get a win” in 12.19 stemmed directly from this absolute fall into hubris from s6, ending in the release of the Leviathan and Cas’s apparent death again in 7.02. He’s been trying to atone for that guilt ever since.

But in all of this, Cas has never really forgotten what it was to be an angel, what it meant to serve God and to serve Heaven. There was no free will. The few times he questioned his orders, he was punished, tortured, and reprogrammed back into line. He’s fully aware of all of this. For him, learning the extent of Chuck’s manipulation of the story is more a confirmation of his entire experience over billions of years, while that revelation absolutely shattered Dean. For Dean’s entire life-- the blink of an eye for an angel-- he’s believed in very little other than his own personal choices.

Essays have been written about Dean’s underclass upbringing, his life on the fringes of society as a drifter and a con artist, going from town to town under false identities and living a life in the shadows. And yet Dean has always believed that was of his own choice. That he wouldn’t have chosen to do anything else, that he would’ve been bored in a “normal life,” and proved that in season six when he leaves his last chance at a normal life behind with Lisa and Ben and throws himself entirely back into hunting. Because that’s the tragedy. That’s Chuck’s story for both Sam and Dean... they don’t get to be happy.

(this is why I don’t trust Eileen’s story with Sam, fwiw, because that was literally exactly the story Chuck intended her for, exactly the same as Lisa)

This was Sam’s story with Jess from the pilot episode. This was Dean’s story with Cassie, Sam’s story with Amelia... with Rowena... Every time they have a chance at a relationship, Chuck turned it into a tragedy.

But back to the point here...

Dean prized his free will above all else. He’s doubled down on that sentiment even in s15 talking to the girl he didn’t yet know was actually Lilith, confirming that he’d never want to live in a world where all his choices were made for him, or where the whole game he was playing was engineered specifically for him to lose. He’d always stood firm on the point that-- for better or worse-- all of his choices had truly been his own.

(again, why “I didn’t have another choice” is the worst thing any character can say on this show)

For Dean, Chuck’s revelation shattered him, possibly even more than Cas’s betrayal in 6.20 did. And for all he cares for Dean, for all he’s studied Dean and learned about humanity and free will from Dean over the last decade, Cas still can’t understand why, because it’s not the same identity-destroying revelation for him, as an angel who’d had to fight for every choice he’s ever made, as it was for Dean who based his entire worldview on the choices that made him who he is as a person.

And s15 is taking all of these themes from the run up to the end of s6, and turning them inside out.

What makes a hero?

What power do we have against “destiny?”

What power do we have against a seemingly unassailable enemy?

What morally or objectively wrong paths will we be led down before we discover it’s all a trap?

What chance do we have at real happiness, and what would that even look like?

What sacrifices are we willing to make to ensure that humanity overall will prevail against impossible odds?

What ~actually~ needs to be done to stop the eternal cycle of apocalyptic tragedy that Chuck has put them through from the start? (Raphael just wanted to reboot s5, Chuck has shown his hand that horrific tragedy is always his intended endgame, regardless of what form it takes)

Can we achieve a real victory without unleashing an even greater horror on the world for once? (s6 ended with Godstiel eating purgatory, s7 started with the Leviathans escaping into the world, and now Chuck is obsessed with Leviathans and monsters again in s15, while Jack is literally consuming angel hearts and supposedly attempting to gain enough power to kill God... but what will consuming that power make Jack into? He’s already “eaten” Michael, Cas has already stopped Belphegor from “eating Hell” and becoming a new evil god, but Rowena ended up becoming the vessel of Death that brought all those souls back to Hell, effectively neutralizing that particular threat at least for the time being... but this is definitely something I’m still mindful of as the season progresses)

All of these questions were crucial in s6, and throughout the entire series, but this was Cas’s character turning point, and it’s what he’s been fighting his way back from ever since. I can’t help but think that-- like with Belphegor in 15.03, like his choice to return to the Winchesters in 15.06, like his journey to Purgatory with Dean in 15.09-- he’ll be confronted with these specific choices again.

A few other points from these episodes that I think are interesting to keep in mind:

6.17 and the confrontation with Fate herself. If Chuck doesn’t get you, Fate will, or so it would seem. A lot of the themes of this one hit again in 13.19 Funeralia, with why we shouldn’t mess too much with the natural order. I just watched it a couple nights ago, so it’s incredibly fresh in my mind. I still think that episode is incredibly important to what Billie is meddling with in s15, in ways that haven’t entirely been revealed yet.

6.18, and more time travel done right. But also, the Major Sign we all should’ve been more focused on in what Rachel revealed, and what the Winchesters accidentally tipped her off to about Cas. She implied that the Winchesters were becoming a massive drain on Cas’s attention and time in Heaven, when we know the Winchesters had hardly seen Cas all season. When Rachel investigated what Cas was actually up to, she discovered the truth of what he was up to with Crowley, and he was forced to kill her for it. What he wouldn’t do to protect his tenuous shield around the Winchesters? It’s taken them until s15 for them all to finally get on the same page.

6.19, and the pure pain. 

6.20, oh right, THIS is the pure pain.

CASTIEL I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me. CASTIEL You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will -- DEAN You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want! CASTIEL I know what I'm doing, Dean. DEAN I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it. CASTIEL I don't understand.

I think he understands now. Or at least he’s miles closer to understanding.

6.21, okay let’s just take everything from Dean and complete Cas’s fall into the role of Big Bad.

I know I had a point in mind when I started writing this, but I’ve written myself out again :’D

[butiaintgonnaloveem]

Got It Bad

Characters/pairing: Sam x Reader

Word Count: 5150 (god I’m sorry, I just really like words)

Contains: Fluff, smut, angst, language

A/N: I wrote this for @melbelle45‘s Dirty Pop Challenge. My song prompt was U Got it Bad by Usher. I used some lines and ideas from the song and I went for the hardcore pining, hope you feel it. Assume the reader is familiar of the hunting life, and it’s sometime after S8. All my love to @impala-dreamer for her encouragement and time when I struggled with this one.

Feedback and constructive criticism are both welcomed and encouraged. xoxo

The email sat in your inbox for a month before you noticed it; buried in the spam from mailing lists and unsolicited porn. Then, it sat there for another week before you could decide what to do with it - delete it, ignore it, reply. You had a decent enough reason for each option. Your stomach did flips every time you held the cursor over the email. You’d been ready to flip your life upside down and take the leap, but then he was gone, before you had a chance to be anything.

He’d been the one. Then he became just a story, your precautionary tale of letting love slip away. The one that was set up on a pedestal. The one that no one else could compare to. Other relationships came and went with fights and struggles that made you think time and time again, ‘This wouldn’t be an issue with Sam.’

Textbook woulda, coulda, shoulda. Like some bad rom-com.

Now, there he was, his words lingering in your inbox, and in your thoughts. You read it over and over again, just to make sure it wasn’t some robot, but it was him. It was Sam. Reaching out after three years of being gone. Three years after you watched him walk out the door, only to have him not return. Three years that you’d spent on your own, quietly living and occasionally researching cases. Not as active as you’d been while he was around, but comfortable.

He was clearly trying to break the ice based on the subject of the email “I was thinking about that night at the karaoke bar.”

���Keep it simple.’ You told yourself over and over.

“Hey Sam, Wow. I can’t believe you remember that. You know, it’s been a while since I disgraced myself on stage…”

He didn’t reply right away. And while you knew he wasn’t the type to play games, you couldn’t help but wonder if he’d make you wait. Or if he regretted contacting you at all. It only took a week of mild torture and panic before he replied, full of teasing observation and intellectual musings. And though you were alone, you fought back a smile, trying to play it cool. This time you didn’t wait to reply - “Sam, Do you remember that time on State St…”

The back and forth continued with replies every few days. Old memories were quickly recalled, but neither of you lingered on those long, quickly falling into the present and picking things up like there hadn’t been a three-year gap in your lives. The emails only stopped once you signed off with- “My number hasn’t changed. If you find the time, call me.”

The sweat on your palms didn’t go away for days after. You knew if he didn’t want to talk that he’d let you down easy, yet you worried you’d pushed some invisible boundary. When the unknown number popped up on your caller ID, you jumped up as a rush of nervous energy burst through.

“Hello?” Your voice cracked as you answered, anticipation making you lose control of the simplest things.

“Hey,” his smooth voice responded. Simple and sure.

“Hi Sam,” you breathed out. You hopped up out of your seat and paced as your blood raced through your veins, making you break out in a nervous sweat. “What’s up?” You were nearly breathless as the adrenaline rushed through your system.

“Well, Dean and I are in a little town in…”

Two hours later, thoroughly high on Sam, you hung up. Your cheeks ached from the smile you’d been wearing for hours, and your skin tingled with nervous energy. 

The emails stopped, but the calls didn’t. Sometimes they lasted hours, sometimes a few moments; rarely were the calls missed, no matter what you were doing.

“Hi, Sam.”

“Hey, Y/n, what are you up to?” He sounded exhausted.

“Grocery shopping,” you sighed with fake disgust, making him chuckle.

“Getting anything good?”

“You want the details of my grocery trip?”

“If it’ll keep you talking, then sure.”

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, now what’s for dinner?”

It felt silly to talk about something so mundane, but it seemed like he needed the distraction, and it made you feel like he was there. Like he’d jumped into domesticity with you, arguing over the best snacks and trying to talk you into making the Greek dish with all the cinnamon and oregano.

“If you were here, I’d make it for you.”

He sighed, “Rain check then, huh?”

“You got it.”

Your smile faded as soon as he’d hung up. The loss of his voice made you feel lonelier than ever.

“What are you up to?”

You always tried to play it off as nothing, willing to push whatever you were doing to the side to give Sam your full attention since you never knew how long you had, but he always pushed you to tell him the truth.

“Reading.”

“Reading what?”

“It’s a book about Ernest Shackleton and his crew and how they survived in the Antarctic.”

“Sounds interesting, you should keep reading.”

“No, Sam, I want to talk to you -”

“No, no, keep reading. Read it to me.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes,” he replied, firmly.

You paused, waiting for him to laugh and tell you he was kidding, but he didn’t. Instead, heard the sounds of a chair shifting along the floor and a huff from Sam as he sat. You took a sip of water and found your place then started. At first, nervously stumbling over your words, but a few pages in, you felt confident. Sam would interrupt from time to time to make a comment or ask you to clarify something, but other than that he sat quietly, listening to you narrate the story, chuckling when you changed voices for the different characters mentioned or tripped over your words when you read out an exciting scene.

“I miss watching you read,” he blurted out while you were mid-paragraph. You held your breath, and words caught in your throat as you scrambled to come up with a reply. Your memories did nothing to help as you thought of the two of you sitting at opposite ends of a sofa, feet criss-crossed over each other in the middle beneath a blanket, reading quietly together. You let out a sad sigh, found your place on the page and started to read aloud again.

Months passed. You lived your life as normally as possible with the ghost of Sam sharing every moment with you. More than once, you’d fallen asleep with him on the line after talking late into the night. Other times he talked in a rush, using you as a talking board for his theories as he sifted through research while on a case.

You heart ached for him again and didn’t want to let it go this time - didn’t want to just keep dreaming about your lost love, but fear kept you from doing anything about it. No matter how sweet he sounded when he told you, “I want you to know, I really adore you.” Sam could never be yours, so in the meantime, you dated. Nothing serious, but you did what you could to try to remember you couldn’t just be attached to a voice over the phone. It was a useless exercise because at the end of any date, you always found  yourself thinking of only Sam.

Those nights when you really felt like torturing yourself, you thought of one of the last nights you’d spent with him. You were out at some half-assed country bar, blowing off some steam after Sam and Dean finished their hunt. The crowd a strange mix of college kids and 40-somethings all enjoying the cheap liquor. Weeks of coy smiles, soft touches, and hours of conversation interrupted on occasion by shy, quick kisses had been building up something between you. That night, you were both braver, bolder.

You leaned into him at the long bar table, looking up into his eyes as you weaved your fingers together with his. You teasingly wiggled against him in time with the blaring music that limited conversation. Then he gave you that look. His eyes narrowed and tilted down at you, his lips pulled tight in a not-quite smirk, his back and shoulders were drawn straight at attention. It was hunger, and adoration; intense and raw and sent tingles rushing down your spine.The thought of it still made your heartbeat race and an ache throb between your thighs.

Bar time came and went, and the three of you retreated to the hotel they’d been occupying. Dean passed out on the old motel mattress, so you and Sam found yourselves spooning on the couch with some random late-night rerun playing softly on the tv. His arm rested over your rib cage as you traced the knuckles and veins on the back of his hand. Both of you breathed heavily, anticipation rushing through your nervous system like fire, but you tried to cover it up with tense muscles.

When his lips grazed the back of your shoulder, there was no stopping the whimper that escaped you. He tilted his head and placed firm, hot kisses under your hairline, across your shoulder, over every piece of bare skin accessible.

The blanket covering the two of you had bunched up, so you tugged out of your way, allowing you to push your back completely against his front, leaving your clothes as the only barrier between the two of you. He pulled you even closer, his forearm pressed against your ribs as he curled his body along yours. His mouth made its way along your neck, leaving trails of wet kisses and stinging nips from his teeth.

You arched your back against him and slid your arms out to let your hands roam. The one under you slid up to grasp his hair and rake along his scalp. The other found his hand, winding his fingers with yours and encouraged them to slide beneath your shirt. You kept your hand over his, and he let you guide him, tugging at your bra and massaging your breasts.

Long gone were the quiet, controlled breaths. You both sighed and hummed, hissed and whimpered. The blanket and your clothes rustled as you began to grind and tease each other. With your back still curved, you tilted your hips, rubbing your ass against his crotch and feeling the solid bulge pushing against his zipper.

You twisted your head around and he lifted his, kissing you at the awkward sideways angle, but not letting you roll over. His hand slipped out from beneath yours, leaving you to play with and pinch at your nipple as your hips rolled against him in a steady rhythm. He gripped your chin, holding you there as he kissed you until you were both gasping for air and your neck muscles burned from the strain. After he caught his breath, he tucked his head against yours, his arm wrapped around you again as he groaned your name in a deep rumble, making you moan softly in return.

With his hand spread wide, he slid it down your torso, over your belly, to the top of your jeans. He paused there until you placed your hand over his wrist, giving him a small push to move lower. He took the cue, his fingers popped the button of your jeans open.

His hot, rough palm dragged against your skin beneath your jeans and underwear until his fingertips lightly skimmed at your wetness. You ground your teeth as you whined and breathed deeply through your nose to try to keep the noise down. With your pants open, but not pulled down, Sam had just enough room to push his hand in and bend at the wrist, allowing only his fingers to slide against you and tease along your aching entrance.

“Saamm,” you breathed out, your breath shook and body twitched, moments away from losing control and riding his hand until you found relief.

He grunted in response, a sort of agreeable sound as he started to really push himself against you. Your hips, sandwiched between his crotch and his hand moved smoothly with him, letting his palm press hard against you while his fingers dipped and teased.

The need to feel him grew too overwhelming. So, you slid your hand off of his wrist, tickling his forearm as you went, then reached between the two of you until you could feel the front of his jeans. His hand pressed hard against your pussy when you grabbed him through the material. Both of you froze for a moment, your bodies going stiff, not even breathing as you tried to keep yourselves under control. When you finally let out a breath, Sam shifted, pulling his hips back slightly to allow your hand to move. You struggled for a moment to unbuckle his belt with only one hand behind your back, and he took advantage of your distracted attention to nibble at your ear. The feel of his hot breath and lips on your sensitive skin sent your whole body into a squirming mess. He just huffed out a laugh as his fingers continued to swirl against your clit.

Forgetting the idea of being cute or gentle, your fingers tugged and wriggled his belt undone before easily opening the button and zipper of his jeans. Impatience continued to control you as you shoved your hand right past the elastic of his boxers, palm open as you blindly reached out for the thick erection that he’d been rutting against you. You quickly found it, sliding your palm down until you reached the base, feeling the hair and skimming your fingers at his sac. His hips stuttered at the light touch, and when you let your fingers slide back up to grip at his shaft, Sam dropped his forehead to your shoulder, curling his body into your touch and letting out harsh breaths.

“Okay?” you muttered, so low that you weren’t sure he heard you until he moved his head back up to rest just behind yours.

“Fuck. Yes,” he whispered back to you. You started to stroke him lightly, your hand wrapped around him and just skimming along his skin as you moved it up and down as much as you could while still inside his boxers. Feeling the size of him, your mind went wild creating the image of what he’d look like once you finally could face him. When he curled his fingers to push them into you, your grip tightened around him, pulled a groan through his gritted teeth as he pressed himself into your touch.

From that point it became a synchronised movement of hips and hands. He’d push his hips up as you stroked your hand down along his shaft, then pull back enough to let you slide your hand back up. You took a second to swipe your palm over his head to collect the precome, then glide back down. As your hand worked him, he did the same, pressing into you as you rolled your hips against him, letting his fingers thrust shallowly in and out of you, working you up to a frenzy. Your hands criss-crossed over each other’s bodies, wrists cramped at the angles and intensity, but neither of you stopped. It didn’t matter that you were both clothed, or that Dean was annoyingly passed out on the only bed available at the time. It was just you and Sam and the need to feel one another.

You pressed your head back against him, eyes clenched tight as your breaths came out in hushed sobs. He panted against you, the arm that was beneath your head and neck clutched you against him as he let out broken grunts against your neck.

“God, Y/n, Ineedyou,” he rushed out.

In your mind you wailed ‘Ohmygod, yes, Sam, yes’ but when you shifted your leg, you nearly slipped off the narrow couch, if it hadn’t been for Sam’s grip on you, you’d have landed on the floor. You glared into the darkness at Dean in frustration, cursing him for choosing tonight to not get lost with someone from the bar. You swallowed away the dryness in your throat, pushing away the lust for a moment to grasp the situation.

“Sam,” you twisted your head to talk to him, “Mmm, guh-od I want you, too.” He nuzzled against you, rubbing his three-day scruff over your neck and jaw, making your chest heave as you stopped your moan in your throat. “But,” you swallowed, wetting your dry tongue, “But not like this.”

His fingers stopped their movements, and his hips slowed to a gentle rock. His breaths got shorter and controlled. “What do you mean? You want to stop?” he whispered, words tight with caution.

You couldn’t stop the cringe on your face, and though he couldn’t really see you in the dark, you burned with embarrassment. Your pause making him loosen his grip as he started to push himself into the cushions behind him.

‘Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.’

“Oh, god, Sam. No. I want this-you. I don’t want to stop, but it’s just,” you shifted a little on your back so that you didn’t have to crane your neck so much to face him. “I just meant, I don’t want our first time together to be on a shitty little couch while your brother is passed out 15 feet away. I kind of imagined this happening on a bed at least.”

“Yeah,” he puffed out as he slid his hand out from between your thighs, smearing your wetness as he dragged it back up your stomach, then wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug. The manic need quickly drained away as the mood became broken. You could feel the thickness in your throat and the tingling at the corners of your eyes. You slowly slid your hand out of the front of his pants, deciding against trying to give a half-hearted hand-job while fighting back tears. You tried not to, but eventually couldn’t stop yourself from sniffling.

Sam shifted again, pulling his hips away, but cradling your chest close still. “Hey,” he kissed your temple, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” you squeaked out, pulse pounding against your temples.

“No. No, no,” he kissed your cheek. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re right. We can do this better.”

After a few moments, you got up to go to the bathroom to clean up. When you came back, Sam was dressed again, but had scooted into the couch as much as possible, making room for you to lie with him on the worn cushions. You burrowed into him, tangling your legs with his and letting him pull the covers up to your shoulders.

“Sorry,” you asked, voice rough emotion, “You sure this is okay?”

“Nothing to be sorry about. This is more than okay.”

“Sam, you’re so amazing. Thank you,” you whispered against his chest.

“I’d say the same about you. I’m fortunate to have you.”

You still winced when you thought of how embarrassing that night was. The regret settled deep within you and still tugged at your gut from time to time. Especially at the thought of how you should have gone with him. How you should have told him how you felt. How he made your world better; he made you better.

The two days after that night consisted of clean-up, mending wounds, tuning up the Impala. Somehow, you and Sam couldn’t find time to spare to be alone, and then - he was gone. He and Dean walked out the door of the restaurant after telling you about some quick case they had to take care of nearby, and that was that.

At least, until he sent that email.

With him back in your life, the regret and the want and the longing felt crippling. Everything was pulled back to the surface with every giddy conversation you had with him; every time you sat with dreamy eyes while you listened to him read to you, or describe in painful detail the motel room he was staying at or the scenery as Dean flew through it. The life you had wasn’t the life you wanted, and it was all you could think about.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“What is this?”

“What’s what? Did you send me a picture of something? I didn’t ge-”

“No, Sam. What is this? Us?”

“Oh,” he replied, before staticy silence fill the line. After a moment of listening to the blood pound in your ears as your cheeks burned with nervous shame, you jumped in.

“Sorry. Nevermind. Okay. We’re friends, right? Sam, I am so glad you’re my friend, just...just want you to know that.”

He cleared his throat before responding hoarsely, “Yeah. Yeah, same here.”

“Good. Alright, well, I’ve gotta take care of some stuff, so I’ll just talk to you later.”

You didn’t even give him time to reply as you swiftly ended the call, mortified that you’d just jeopardized things with him again. All the other things you had planned for the day got put off as you chose to instead stay in and watch mindless shows on Netflix and eat junk food. Apparently doomed to always mess things up with Sam.

You ignored the knocking at your door, wishing that the person on the other side would give up and assume you weren’t there, but they didn’t seem to get the clue.

“Wrong apartment, asshole,” you grumbled as you got closer, sliding open the locks to glare at the person outside.

“Hey,” you were met with wide, hazel eyes. His forehead and eyebrows were crinkled in that adorable way they get when he was nervous or worried. His hands rested in his pockets, looking like he didn’t quite know what to do with them. You took all of him in, trying to make sense of the fact that the asshole you were about to tell off, was the person you’d been sick over for most of the day.

“Hey,” you answered timidly, swiping at your face to wipe away any evidence of food or tears, then quickly reached down to tug at the hem of your shirt, pulling away the wrinkles and wishing that you’d been able to pick a better time to have Sam standing in front of you - like maybe when your clothes matched or you’d recently had a chance to brush your hair.

“This a bad time?”

“Oh,” you snapped back to attention, trying to turn your expression into something more welcoming, “Sorry, come in.” You took your time after he entered, using the spare moment to stare at the door in panic, your stomach flipped as you turned around.

“Why are you here?” you blurted, watching in horror as his eyes widened. “Sorry. Rude. I didn’t mean that like...that. Uhm, what’s up?” You shook your head in disbelief at yourself and the forced casualness in your tone.

He stared at you with an amused grin, seemingly enjoying watching you flustered. “We were close, and I just thought it would be good to see you.”

You glared, “Close? I thought you and Dean were a state away.”

“Well, close is a loose description.”

“Right. Well, welcome, I guess?”

“Thanks,” he pinched his lip between his teeth. “You look good.”

Your ears burned with the attention as you remembered you were still wearing your messy, couch-dwelling clothes.

“Shut up,” you brushed him off, “Thirsty?”

You decided his answer was yes and took off toward the kitchen, desperate for a moment to gather your wits.

“Nice place,” he called from the living room, “Homey.”

“It’s just a place, but it’s something. It works, ya know?” You walked back into the room.

“Yeah,” he paused to sip, “Dean and I kind of have a place now.”

“Really? Since when?”

“A little while.”

As the conversation flowed, you drifted from standing awkwardly in the middle of the room to resting at opposite ends of the sofa, the drinks long since empty.

“Wow, Sam, I had no idea.”

“Yeah, it’s been an intense few years.”

“Mmhmm,” you agreed, letting the conversation slip away, having already gone through all the surface-scratching topics you could think of to pass the time.

“So, where are you and Dean staying?”

He ran a hand through his hair, “Oh, umm, I don’t know. Dean kinda dropped me off.”

You nodded as you nibbled at your cheek. “You can stay here if you want.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, Sam. What are friends for, right?”

“Right,” he smiled tightly.

You gathered your spare pillows and blanket for the couch, watching as he tried to lounge comfortably across it. He gave you that fake ‘I’m fine’ smile of his, making you bite your tongue to draw away your nerves.

“Sam, you can sleep in the bed. It’s okay.”

“No, no, I’m not gonna steal your bed away from you-”

“No, I mean, I don’t mind,” you blinked long to stop the words from shaking, “We can share.”

He asked if you were sure at least five more times as followed you into your room and got comfortable under the blanket. You did your best to assure him as you created space between you on the bed. You were buzzing with awareness. All made worse by the fact that you knew exactly how it felt to sleep cuddled against him. So, you tossed and turned, unable to find a position that was comfortable without crossing into the “neutral territory.”

You heard Sam shift from time to time and when his calf nudged against yours, you held still, not wanting to part from even the smallest connection. With him facing your direction, you could hear him breathing and imagined having your ear pressed to his chest to listen to the steady beat of his heart. You tried to keep your breaths even and soft, pretending to sleep, but your racing heart made you pull in air quickly.

Without a word, Sam’s arm reached over you, surprising you as he wrapped it around you and pulled you to him. You didn’t bother to fight it, rolling into him and spreading your hands against his chest as he held you against himself.

“Y/n?” he whispered into the darkness.

“Yes, Sam?”

“I don’t know how to answer your question.”

You felt yourself getting choked up as he finally pointed out the elephant in the room.  You’d been berating yourself over it since you’d asked him. Bright neon letters flashed in your mind to remind you of how stupid it sounded - ‘What is this?’ You shook your head, trying to brush it off.

“That’s fine.”

“What do you want?” He asked a moment later.

You felt your chest jump with every pound of your heart. While wishing there was something else to distract you, you were also grateful for the darkness of the room so that you wouldn’t have to look into his eyes as you confessed.

“I, “you stalled, “I just want you in my life. And I just kinda thought for a while about us being together. Like, if I ever had another chance, that I’d take it.” You could feel your thoughts stretching, the danger of rambling approaching rapidly so you shut it all down. “But, it’s okay. Like I said, I just want you in my life. You’re pretty much my best friend.”

Your words curled up at the end, as if you were asking to still be friends. If you could have squirmed away, you would have, but his arms held tight around you. His thumbs stroked back and forth over your tense muscles. His voice sounded unsure when he spoke up again.

“You know I have no money, and almost live out of a car.”

“Not that it matters, but yeah, I know,” You sighed in relief that he’d let you down easily.

“I don’t think I can be friends with you,” he muttered.

The few seconds of relief had shattered. You tucked your chin to your chest to pull away from him as tears rushed from the corners of your eyes.

“T-that’s ok. I’m sorry, Sam,” you sniffled, unable to hide the sadness quickly consuming you.

“No, nonono, stop. Please?” he asked. His voice shifted as he tilted his head to yours. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that.” He squeezed you tighter, pushing a sob from your lips. “I’m sorry. Look. I don’t know what we are, but I can’t just be friends with you. I just can’t forget - I don’t want to forget what we had and that it wasn’t something. I-Isn’t something.”

He paused, taking in unsteady breaths as you continued to sniffle into the sheets. You couldn’t open your mouth to say anything to him. Your fingers curled as you started to ball up his shirt in your fists. Doing whatever you could to keep your crying from becoming wailing.

“Hey, hey, listen to me, please? I know I am doing this all wrong, but please, please just listen,” he begged, his hands rubbing soothingly against your back. You nodded to let him know you were paying attention, internally begging for it to be over so that you could run away and hide and never have to look at him again. “What we had...that’s...I’ve thought about you more times than I can count and wished twice as many times that I could have changed things and had you with me.”

“What?” you whispered, voice thin from fear and hope. You tilted your ear closer to him to make certain you heard every word.

“My life feels off-track without you. You don't know what you do to me, and how much I wish things could be different.”

Tears continued to fall, your face was a mess, blotchy and wet, but you lifted your head up to peer at him in the dark, anxious to see him as much as you could.

“If they could be different,” you swallowed, searching for his eyes in the shadowy room “Then what?”

He inhaled deeply, his hands slid up your back, surprisingly nimble in the blackness of the room, until they reached your cheeks, swiping away at the wetness there.

“Then? I'd tell you that I want us to be an us. That I adore you and-”

You cut him off by pushing your lips up to his. It was short, but sweet. You pulled away, finally unclenching your fists from his shirt and smoothing down the warm wrinkles. Your body trembled, but your voice was soft and clear.

“Sam, don't you dare think I'm letting you walk away again. Not without me. I'm your girl. I promise you, I'm going to love you the best that I can.”

Tags? You got em. (Don’t want a tag, just holler at me)

@mogaruke @feelmyroarrrr @kayteonline @notnaturalanahi  @attractiverandomness @mrswhozeewhatsis @deathtonormalcy56 @kittenofdoomage @jpadjackles @supernatural-jackles @luci-in-leather @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @babypieandwhiskey @brewsthespirit-blog @mysaintsasinner @idreamofhazel @impala-dreamer @sis-tafics @littlegreenplasticsoldier @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @ultimatecin73 @mrsjohnsmith @bringmesomepie @saxxxology @roxy-davenport @blushingsamgirl @teamfreewill-imagine

[reddieandwaiting87]

What is your 10 fav ever spn episodes? And what is your 10 worst spn episodes?

Going to change this alittle bit anon if thats OK because I have answered other anons with kinda like this and wanna mix it up abit. So going to pick the best ep from every season and the worst ep from every season.

Hope you don’t mind. ;3

My favorite episode from each season.

Season 1 -  So many good episode to choice from but going to go with Something Wicked. A great MOTW. Wee!Sam and Wee!Dean, JDM John and protective big brother Dean. Whats not to love?

Season 2 - Born Under a Bad Sign. Again another great season with lots of fantastic episodes. Love me some worried big brother Dean at the beginning of the episode. Jared was already showing his skill at playing not Sam with Meg!Sam. Then that scene with Meg!Sam and Jo, amazing.

Season 3 - Mystery Spot. It wouldn’t be a favorite spn episode list without this episode getting a mention. S3 like S2 and S1 as alot of brilliant episodes but  Mystery Spotwill always be a favorite. The perfect amount of funny and heart breaking that Supernatural is very good at doing. That ending scene when Sam looks back at the room, still breaks my heart.

Season 4 - After School Special. Love seeing younger Sam and Dean. Good old ghost episode and the ending when the teacher asks if Sam is happy. ;A;

Season 5 - The End. Future!Dean, human!Castiel and Sam!Lucifer who hands is the best Lucifer. Then Sam and Dean reuniting at the end.

Season 6 - The French Mistake. Sam and Dean in the real world, whats not to love.

Season 7 - Hello, Cruel world. When watching this for the first time I was convinced Bobby would be fine. It’s a great Bobby centered episode.

Season 8 - Trial and Error. S8 well not the worst season but it wasn’t great. So when the trials begin I actual get interested.

Season 9 - The later the seasons the harder it is to be a good episode. Going with I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here. We have worried big brother Dean, some great Sam scenes and the Sam Death talk awesome too.

Season 10 - Fuckkkkkkk. Picking a good S10 episode is like picking a good Castiel ep after S6 it can’t be done. But since I have too I pick The Werther Project. It as some of the few and much needed bro moments, Sam gets to have some much needed screen time too. And Rowena is a joy.

Season 11 - Just My Imagination. I can’t believe how wrong I was about this episode. When I heard about an episode being about Sam’s imaginary friend, I was dreading it. Cause I thought it would be 45 minutes of taking the piss outta Sam. But it’s actual one of my all time favorite episodes of Supernatural. An episode a Sam!Girl like me never thought I would get in the later seasons. <3

Season 12 - American Nightmare. Sam talking about his powers and the Sam, Magda scene.

Alright now for the worst.

Season 1 - Route 666. It’s not an awful episode and I love Cassie but I have to pick something.

Season 2 - S2 is my favorite season and I love all the episodes so I don’t hate any of them so sorry but no answer.

Season 3 - Ghostfacers- I HATE THESE FUCKERS!!!!

Season 4 - Family Remains - Just found it boring and I hated the family.

Season 5 - Again S5 as alot of good episodes so there really isn’t any I hate. I would say Swap Meat. Its a good enough episode but not one I would rewatch alot.

Season 6 - The Man That Would Be King. It’s a Castiel episode…..enough said.

Season 7 - Party On Garth. The title says it all.

Season 8 - Citizen Fang. I can’t enough watch this episode again it’s the bad. Fuck Benny and his epic friendship with Dean and fuck Dean for making that phone call. Awful episode about a character I don’t like and Sam and Dean fighting, soooo want I watch for.

Season 9 - Bloodlines. Waste of an episode.

Season 10 - Lots to pick from the worst Supernatural season. The Things We Left Behind. A Claire episode and the mid-season finale. Zzzzzzz

Season 11 - Hell’s Angel. Castiel being a useless cunt bag and too much Misha over acting with Castiel!Lucifer.

Season 12 - The Future. A Kelly, Castiel heavy episode? Pass.

That was a long post but thanx anon!!!

[koriginaladdict]

Do you think Dean truly loves Sam or is he in the same situation as with Cas (all familial love, not destiel of wincest)

sorry i didn’t understand, the question is does dean love sam and cas equally or does dean love sam romantically? what i think is that no matter what, sam will always be dean’s priority, not even their own parents come before, it’s always gonna be sam above the entire world, even above sam himself, dean just can’t let him go, even if the means to do so will hurt sam (s9) he’ll do it anyway because he loves sam too much and he’d rather him being alive and hating him than dead, and also it’s for himself as sam perfectly said, dean can’t be in a world where sam isn’t there, i don’t think that it’s romantic at all, it’s just that when they were young dean grew up that way ever since he held sammy in his arms when their mom died, he practically raised him and was always taught that sam comes first, so it stayed, i just see it as a really really close unique bond they have

as for cas and dean, it’s so much more complicated as the dynamic changes each season, depending on the writers and their biases, i got carried away so it’s a bit long (by a bit i mean really long)

it’s not the same situation with cas, both cases are completely different in my opinion, the first time dean knew about cas his reaction was “so you’re angel you have powers do all my work” he didn’t see him as a person, just something powerful that should be used at its fullest to save the world, and i think that mentality stayed with him a very very long time, then he got to see that cas “isn’t just a hammer” but it didn’t change much, every time dean has a scene with cas it’s to ask for his help, then in 4x22 he basically said “why do you care about your life? sam sam sam sam is above everything else to go kill yourself for us you spineless souless sob”, on s5 dean didn’t have much regard to cas as a person, like forcing him to be in that whorehouse, or when he was mocking him, or how he shrugged off “5 minutes and we already lost the angel up our sleeve” but dean had some decency too, like how he wanted gabe to give cas back, or how he sent cas some cash when he was in a hospital, it wasn’t all bad, there was a certain balance, cas got to call dean out sometimes

going back to how dean felt about him, from his actions they were both having the same goal, working together to stop the apocalypse, they had some good friendship moments but it was always “cas’s life is a price worth to pay, but my and my brother’s lives aren’t” mentality, even at the end sam chose to give his life, but we’re talking dean, but there was a tiny litte respect

s6 dean became an entirely different person, he wasn’t reasonable, completely selfish, he heard cas say over and over again “raphael will destroy the world i’m in the middle of a civil war” and all dean hears is “bla bla bla i can’t be here to do your bidding bla bla bla” and it was so unfuriating, as a dean fan who saw what used to be a selfless hero not caring at all about the world,only himself and his brother, and as a person who likes cas, who didn’t mind dc and saw how unfair he was being to him, whatever respect dean had for cas was gone, whatever self respect cas had was gone too and we were stuck in a mess when dean became the commander, and as much as it really hurt cas “your problems always come first” he still obeys him anyway

at that point dean saw him as nothing more than a tool, a tool that should only listen to him, that he gets to mock and yell at as he pleases without the narrative ever showing how wrong it is, even turning it into a joke (that most people including “cas stans” do like “baby in a trench coat”) he says “you’re my friend you’re family” but those words were always to manipulate cas into listening to him, in dean’s mind cas being “family” is only when it’s convinient for him, to listen to him and help him, die for him, giving that support back and having at least some respect and understading for cas wasn’t part of it, dean wasn’t cas’s family but cas was his, it was a one way street even cas said it “you say you’re my friend and i’m your friend too, i always come when you call, do what you as, shouldn’t that trust go both ways? i earned that dean?” and dean was like no, but he’ll use the same thing to try manipulate godstiel ? nah there was so much bias and narrative on dean’s side when he was the one in the wrong it was sickening

s7 that only got worse, it’s one thing to mistreat someone in their right mind it’s another to lie to an amnesiac person about their own identity and actions and guilt trip them, yeah dean maybe cas was a “bad guy to you” but that’s just YOUR POV not what happened, and cas took it all, when it should’ve been “i shouldn’t have broken sam’s wall, i shouldn’t have treated you worse than sh*** for the whole year, and you did save the world i was wrong” it was “dean is the victim and cas is just the stupid arrogant angel who unleashed some monsters for fun, look at how horrible he is” and then when he gives dean what he wants what does he do? of course trade him to a demon then gtfo, and when he sees him again and he’s crazy, he yells at him throws stuff when cas was basically in a childlike state and it was all turned into a joke, do you imagine if that was sam instead of cas, no one would stand for that but what can i say cas has shippers pretending to be his “stans” so they chose to defend dean over his safety

s8 was like s6 but instead of “cas you’re so horrible for saving the world how dare you” he’s like” cas you’ve been tortured and brainwashed it was all your fault how dare you i don’t need you …*does actually need him* hey cas i’m praying to you come here and save my baby bro i was just kidding” it might have seemed that dean was “making progress” and cared about cas in purgatory but to what end? he thought cas slipped up and all he did was tell everyone he’s dead, ruining his chances to be saved so that dean can feel better about himself, that’s the problem he was too self centered, even his help for cas was so that he won’t feel guilty for leaving him, and instead of “cas is off what’s happening to him we should help him” it’s “cas is off something bad is probably happening to him, so we ward ourselves against him and only call him when he need to use him”

s9, when your very human angel friend who has nothing, no cash no id, is lost what’s the logic thing to do ? look for him or sleep on your warm bed and leave him to starve and freeze until a fucking case happens to be where he is?  i mean i know i got carried away from your question but instead of taking quotes and narrative i take dean’s actions to determine how he felt about cas because that’s what really matters, and then when he found him but he was dead he was upset a little, yeah he got used to the angel and all, and he’ll have no one to help his ass but it wasn’t that sad, we saw dean’s reaction to losing his loved ones billion times but it wasn’t 0.01% of it with cas, of course he gets brought back and all,and gadreel tells him to kick him out but did he tell him to not give him anything? did he forbid him from renting him some cash, fake id fake credit card? no he did that was all on dean being uncaring, and to top it off when cas succeeds in something he’s always there to mock him and bring him down, like when he got his job at gas n’sip and he was like “you were a great angel who fought wars now look at you” even your enemy wouldn’t be so bad to you, and when he has the angel army dean’s first instinct is to humiliate cas instead of support him, or just stfu and it says a lot about how he feels about him, he’s his punching bag, he uses him when needs to, throws him away when he doesn’t , and mock him in the mean time and ruin his life, and he doesn’t care at all or try to understand cas as a person because he’s so above that

s10 well no one cared about cas dying, except hannah, but there was less low blows than in previous seasons, either because cas didn’t have much going on or because dean wasn’t in a right place

s11 was so contradictory in itself, dean before 11x10 “cas is fine he’s always fine” dean”s first words to cas after he almost killed him was to ask for more help from him,  usual dean, then after that dean is suddenly “cas we need to save cas it’s not an IT it’s cas” and i feel like it was done just to make the whole situation about dean’s manpain, that’s spn’s specialty after all, but well it was kinda out of nowhere and complete 180° shift in his behavior, i don’t even know how to explain it if i just look at his character because the reasons behind it are so transparent and are more to influence the audience than actually tell a story, but i guess we could say dean finally started to care a little about cas, thus the speech in the finale (that was basically thanks for sacrificing yourself for us, which was new and i was expecting a ‘how dare you he almost killed sammy you always screw up”) i guess the writers wanted some character development for dean which is good (even if i would’ve prefered cas don’t throw away your life like that)

and this season, it’s like dean finally came to terms with stuff, sam will always be his brother no matter what, and while there were still some pettiness and mocking cas and that whole “i’ll give cas the silent treatment because he saved my mom, and had consequences, not that i did the same every season or anything” i just hate when dean closes his mind like that and wants people to beg him to understand even if it’s really isn’t that complicated but he has to so that all the attention goes to him, his POV instead of the situation itself, it’s not the first time doing that, it was hypocritical to make dean be like “why do you let him talk to you like that?” like “why do YOU always talk to him like that”, you know but idk cas’s feelings are the ones focused on, i wish we got a little something from both brothers to cas, a speech like his when they also own up to all they put him through and apologize for it because they never did, only cas does

but dean’s feelings right now? he does care about cas, he sees him as his friend, he seems to make some progress by helping cas and not leaving him behind when he was dying, which about damn time bro took you 9 years to act like a decent person, but it’ll never come close to sam, no one will not even himself, but i do think he even has a closer bond with cas, more caring for him than his mother, and i think it’s kinda logical since she’s at this point just the one who gave birth to him, cas was there for him in ways she never was or could, but basically dean is experiencing some character development maturity and it’s letting him be more of himself