#sos max so i cant be fully blamed lol

[drpepperisthedarlingofmysoul]

So my dog been refusing to go The Wrong Way™️ and has levelled up from whining and has now began barking lol its been half an hour

[ima-ghost-art]

I'm in the middle of writing a stranger things fic wip with robin getting vecnad and honestly? I forgot how fun it is to write angst lol

Robin faces being disowned by most of her homophobic family, vecna using her dad (the only one who stuck by her and still love her) to cause more harm

Steve having his "I CANT FUCKING LOSE HER" moment (frantically searching for her favourite song only to realise their mixtape is at her house)

Her favourite song is "I'm still standing" by elton John btw

Nancy yelling at him saying "we get it your girlfriend might die but your not the only one who cares about her!?" To which steve loses HIS SHIT bc nancy stop being bullshit that's his platonic soulmate and he loves her more than any romantic fling he could have had in the past bc robin was the first person to except him and ask if he was okay!!!!

Robin then having to face the Russians again, only this time forced to watch steve getting tortured (finally understanding why he wouldnt fully tell her what happened) plus watching/ seeing dustin and erica hurt and blaming her for what happened at starcourt!

She (like steve) blames herself for letting them get involved, she hates that her decoding a secret message for fun led to someone she now loves getting hurt

Everyone is not sure if they are more scared of robin dying in this moment, or steve, who the party is pretty sure has finally cracked when in his last attempt to find a song that means something to robin

Starts singing total eclipse of the heart like a muppet

Oh btw all 4 chapters (maybe more I'm still planning lol) are named after different lyrics from the song

Robin saves herself time by hiding in the memory of her and steve making thier mixtape (Steve's coming out moment/ Robin's dad being AMAZING)

I love Robin's dad in this hes a pretty cool bi king who just loves his two gay children (steve is his son, steve had no choice in the suprise adoption bit prefers him much more over his real dad)

VECNA (the bitch) tells robin as shes escaping that if she doesnt join him, she knows who will be next (yep you stevie boy ;))

Of course robin still escapes, but not without being utterly terrified for her bestfriend, not even sure how to tell him (or the others tbh) that vecna probably wont be targeting max this time, instead choosing to take out their hardest hitter

Que steve and robin having a VERY emotional hug (if they weren't co dependent before, they definitely are now)

Everyone else is just there in stunned silence bc gods damn it that was the most stressful 15 minutes of their lives and it got resolved BY STEVE SINGING BONNIE TYLERS "total eclipse of the heart" LIKE FRICKIN MISS PIGGY

Possibly gunna write a sequel involving steve and him getting vecna'd, (I have so many angsty ideas for this too (plus a bit of steddie)

and a prequel about the whole "mixtape" scene and stuff involving robin and steve being beautiful codependent queens being gay with a king that is Robin's dad helping them learn what love means where I project my 80s music taste onto my favourite characters (obviously that would include other characters but this is all based on platonic stobin so they're only guests lol)

Anywayyyyy this was longer than planned but maybe if other people like this idea it will actually get me to finish it (tho I still dont know how long that would be since I just started my new college course)

[the-firebird69]

trump is in court now as trump in five casees soon seven. and you dont get news just his blatehr and his making up stupid things tot alk about. and the public is pissed. now too. and want the news and have to go to the courts the last nail is by him in his coffin. and he says we distract. and oh. dont let thm hear it and are gettig the real thing. tiemely and needed it. and work now and it is true he is torturing the jduge andothers is a huge idiot and mean person.

Thor Freya

ew use this take his light cycles and other. and start up factories and now and ues it and trump is at him and bja found it and is at trump telsl brad to shut it sees trups. and then this he tells you and ok good. then this he saw no. and why. and they tried to set him up again. and relentless wiht him. they nee to stop an wont. we hate them gotta be areason like umass and the attack may hv been one of them. and like seano r what. and they say it ok.

and one day in downtown amerst our son left the bank and made ad eposit and yeh sean was after it tried characters to hide it. and saw him coming out and went to the alley he goes threough and to hide himself. and alks in it says oh its you and wont let him by. and im tring to go home what are you doing. and he says robbing you. i dont havae money saw you with it earlier its in there. go get it. so our son said nope. and he said what. i said no. and you die now no. he went in said there is a man asking for his money he put ini and the cops came and arrested him no. our son hit him. and hard. and he was not expecting it. then kickd him in the head. hard and out. no again and tons of times. and then this. he is out now and yeh it was somoeone else. lol true too. and our son went out the front. and yeh his son no. it was someone he did the business wiht and sean thought it true no. knows. it was tommy f. and when our son hits someone they are burned and you are a new thing dave aka dan no not hard and so on. true too wintesses no not hard enough no damage. and he smirks. dead forever and you toy iwth it and die a lot. and they say this he is dangerous and we dont care tons are now dont care. and they fall now hard fully.

trump disguises as brad and tonss saw it and also cheeseman and to do crimes on light scycles and is exposed. and was doing it earlier. a daughter looks like becka. and trump blamed. and they said this. cant stan it you have lines have to use them and at him he says true. they balk. noope y our infighting chcikens saw it knew it and keep at it shit. catn live in fecal matter they did not laugh tears. he leaves. they say this we have to make it r ight he runs it. and tried nope you won it. hired him no. this isit trump a big baby. and then this we see you and you hate us and canthelp it brad cant. and he says it huge on us where. a shield and stelmo and more skilelt. we are under max uress.and ok we see it. damnit he says it is ee you cannot overcome it it is hard and are siinners by trade so...and we see it cant stop. need at them. a buvver is us then spueo empire and tommy f and from tons of ppl and demons and we see.

they alls ay it now

no this is new

Thor Freya

Olympus

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

and honestly like.... whatever, at this point.

im sick and tired of worrying more abt them than myself

and im tired of them gaslighting and manipulating me

and im tired of them pushing all the blame onto me and making me feel like im insane for feeling this way

i WASNT a saint in our relationship!

but i very strongly maintain the fact that i only ever did things that they told me they were okay with

like. i ALWAYS stopped when they told me to

(even if i was confused bc they told me prior that they wanted me to keep doing that specific behvaior, only to backtrack n say they hated it when i did that)

like... jesus christ they rlly did just treat me in a way they never treated anyone else

nobody else that they got into a relationship with had a "trial by fire" entry

i struggled HARD in our relationship, the ENTIRE way through

like yeah part of that is my aromanticism, but a far larger part is them literally traumatizing me

i genuinely never wouldve had this reaction either if like. i hadnt

a) figured out that there was a strong timeline incongnruency (we started dating in 2014. im not crazy. im NOT crazy. their excuse of "well we were qpps beforehand" doesnt fucking matter we called each other qpps WELL into 2015 and beyond - i would know, i checked our old blogs out. also thats arophobic lol qpps are committed relationships just like romantic partners are)

b) been told that one of their current alters had left-over traits from hyde. like. i was fully convinced before this point that hyde was a spiritual alter, not an actual part of them. i was abused by hyde. he was the one alter they had that i pointed to and said that i was abused by him. they said they were abused by him too. i was intimate with that alter before i ever knew this info. im still rlly upset abt this. like. at some point, at least one of your alters KNEW. i have no clue how quickly i was told. but i just. i cant wrap my head around this lol. like wow. youre always the one preaching abt system responsibility but you have never apologized or tried to repair what hyde broke. hyde was literally a part of you. his traits are part of you. part of you hurt me so bad that i honest to god have PTSD now.

NOT TO MENTION. ari was abusive to me too tbh not even gonna like. minimize that

were they abusive in the same way as hyde? no. but they also abused me

i was never the one in control in that relationship, there was never a sense of me being the one holding more of the power

we literally joked that ari was the one who wore the pants. i was always the one changing my behavior to match their needs - it was never the other way around. they encouraged me to act yandere. they encouraged me to have no boundaries between us. literally they are the whole reason i had a scare abt possibly feeling incestuous feelings irl towards my older family members in the first place

i was literally probably at the tail end of 12 when we met, and DEFINITELY at MAX i was 13.

hyde was my introduction to bdsm, tossing me into CG/L, with me as the little. he emphasized my youth and innocence and his desire to corrupt me into a more mature sexy femme fatale type. I WAS LITERALLY THIRTEEN.

ari wanted me to be their actual mom. I WAS YOUNGER THAN THEM BY A YEAR AND A HALF? I WAS A CHILD/PRETEEN WHEN WE FIRST MET? I NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN PUSHED INTO THAT ROLE

like. being a mommy NEVER came naturally to me

not to mention me feeling like i wasnt allowed to regress or feel young around them - i never felt safe enough to

also bc ari would pitch a fit abt my child alters being out around them bc they said they were scared of children

which - fun fact - they never had that issue with our other friends

like... god. im just angry. its that feeling of like. "why can they treat other people like that but im always relegated to second best and back up?"

just. FUCK. wow

just. aughhhh

i want to know why everyone else got to see the bulk of their good side while i only ever got crumbs tossed my way

also like... ugh. idk

i dont owe them an explanation. i dont want them in my life anymore.

i already uninstalled discord off of my pc and phone

i feel a lot better bc of that

everythings on a new notes app im using now!

i just need to organize it lol

[catsdaydreams]

Repercussion

Okay, so its been forever since I’ve touched this story, needing to step away from everything for some self care, but its back, and so am I, ish. I cant promise to be super active because my life is in transition right now, but I can promise that even if it takes me a while I would NEVER leave a story on here without conclusion. So keep faith.

When the Crown Calls (Maxwell x mc x Liam)

Rating: M

@decisso @mfackenthal @ladynonsense My tags literally just quit after this. RIP. 

Catch up Here.

No seriously, its been a long time, catch up lol.

CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME MOOD BOARD @boneandfur MADE! <3 THANK YOUU

I let out a small exhausted laugh. “Perhaps we should get dressed this time before Bertrand finds us.” I said, flipping over onto my back and letting Maxwell collapse onto my chest. “I think I’m good right here.” He said, resting on my bare breasts. “I love you.” He murmured again, pressing a kiss to my sternum. “I love you too.” I said content.

Liam watched Kendra leave the palace shortly after he left her suite. A pang of hurt ached across his chest, branching out like a poisonous vine drenched in jealousy. Liam had his suspicions about Max and Kendra for some time, constantly brushing them off as him being paranoid. However now he knew for sure that he was in a competition for her heart. Liam had dispensed two royal guards to tail Kendra from a distance at all times after the poisoning attempt at the ball. 

Liam had spent months while Kendra was comatose following every shred of evidence he could. However there simply wasn’t much to find. The only people that even knew that they would be out there alone had been Bastien, and Liam knew that Bastien was fiercely loyal to the royal family. However, Liam didn’t miss the way Bastien avoided looking directly into Kendra’s eyes that morning. He didn’t miss the way Bastien shuffled uncomfortably when Liam hand picked the guards for Kendra's detail. 

In his heart, Liam couldn’t ignore the suspicion coiling in the pit of his stomach. Once the car carrying Kendra off the palace grounds disappeared from view, he turned and proceeded to his study, where he summoned Drake. Liam was leaning against his mahogany desk, staring at the ground when the door clicked open. “I thought you put an end to these meetings once you fell madly in love with Kendra.” Drake said dryly, closing the door behind him. Liam ignored the pointed edge his comment held, “I need someone I can trust, because I don’t think I can trust Bastien any longer.” 

The two men’s eyes met, and Drake noticed the cracks behind the pools of blue staring back at him. “Ah, so you found out about Beaumont and Hernandez.” Liam rolled his eyes, “Can we discuss something other than my current romance situation? There is a security issue at court, I know that you have been training to become the next head of security. You may have to take that title a little sooner than we thought, I need you to be able to focus on the security of myself and the royal family. If you cant put your own feelings aside long enough to keep your charges safe, I may need to reconsider your future position.” Liam snapped. 

He knew it wasn’t fair to take his frustrations out on Drake, who had his own hurt and frustration to deal with. However lately any private conversations between the two seemed to always circle back around to the same subject. Drakes game of snarky remarks had grown very old to Liam, who had learned from a young age to put his own feelings aside for the sake of the crown. Drakes posture stiffened, and guilt flashed across his face momentarily before he bowed his head lightly to Liam. “Of course, I apologize. What is it that you needed to talk to me about.” 

Liam’s voice softened, “Leo abdicated, this was never our plan. We will always have the cabin.” Drake swallowed the emotions bubbling inside of him at Liam’s words, the small reprieve in his usual callousness towards Drake since the night that they had ended their stolen moments. Drake swallowed and composed himself, as Liam continued. “I think that Bastien may have tried to poison me. I don’t know why, or how, or at who’s discretion. But he attempted to assassinate the King. I have no choice but to promote you to the head of security and arrest him for treason, but before I do, I want to talk to him privately.”

Drake took this information in, listening to Liam’s plan. He gulped down the fear in the back of his throat, a small voice whispering in the back of his mind like a heartbeat, you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Once he had committed Liam’s plan to memory, he gave his oldest friend a firm handshake, and set out to put the pieces of their mouse trap into place.

Liam never leaves the study, lost in thought and waiting for Drake to text him that everything has been set up. He remembers a time before Leo abdicated, when the two of them would steal away to Drakes fathers cabin in the woods, forgetting the rest of the world and its trouble. Even if for just a short time. He even remembers how they continued once his brother abdicated and Liam was lined up for the throne. Swearing to each other in the early mornings that no wife would come between the two of them. Things changed when Kendra stepped into their lives, unbeknownst to her she was like a walking hurricane, leaving a path of destruction in everyone’s romantic affairs. 

Maxwell inevitably became the first to fall, the two of them spending two years alone at Ramsford. Maxwell teaching her all the ways of the court and how to act as a lady. He gave her a few pointers, but he never needed to teach her how to enthrall the crown prince, who’s interest had been peaked at the bar in New York. Drake and Liam came second. Both boys taking an immediate interest in the new girl at court. The girl who somehow managed to have a foot in both of their worlds, one with Liam where she understood class and how to play the game and the other with Drake, drowning whiskey and poking fun at the stiff traditions. A lady, but still a commoner. Hana too, having her own short time period where she idolized the new American. Kendra was independent, and blunt, two very american traits that Hana had never had the confidence to posses. Kendra taught her that confidence, and Hana became infatuated with her because of it. 

Liam remembered the last night that he spent tangled in Drake’s sheets. The way the two of them shared no words, and loved for the last time. Liam tried not to notice the tears staining Drakes pillow, his own heart crumbling in response as he got dressed to leave. Drake knew that his heart had ultimately been stolen, and that their time as lovers had come to an end. Liam confirming as much the next day, as he confessed his love for Kendra. 

The notification on his phone went off and he braced for Bastien's entry, the tan skinned man striding into the office right on cue, a few moments later. “Your majesty. You wanted to speak with me?” He said bowing his head to Liam. Liam straightened his shoulders looked Bastien in the eye, leaving no more than two feet between the two of them. “Yes. I need to know why you tried to poison me.” Liam said, having no energy left to be coy with him. If Bastien had attempted to poison the king, he showed no sign of it. 

“What ever do you mean, my king?” Bastien said eyes never leaving Liam’s. Liam faltered momentarily, he wondered for a moment if he had made the wrong assumption. He shook the thought from his mind, even if he had been wrong, he had to keep pressing. “Bastien, you are the only person that knew Kendra and I were going out there. My real question is how you managed to fumble the dosage. Or was that on purpose to send a message that the crown was vulnerable?” Liam questioned. Bastien didn’t waiver, “Your majesty, I think you need some rest. You have become paranoid.”

Liam pinched the nose of his bridge, Bastien was seemingly unaffected. He was too calm, Liam realized. He wasn’t even upset with the kings accusations. It was in this moment Liam knew that his most loyal guard was to blame, without a doubt. “The waitstaff saw you tamper with the glass, Bastien.” A bluff, but an effective one none the less. Bastien shuffled, almost unnoticeable, and the two men stared at one another in a long silence before Bastien finally broke it. “Your majesty, I beg of you to let the subject go.” He said softly, knowing in his heart of hearts that the game the three of them had been playing was unraveling quickly. It would only take Liam moments to realize that there was only one person who could order something like that of Bastien. 

“So who compromised your integrity.”Liam asked, his blue eyes piercing Bastien’s. “Was it the Son’s of Earth? Did you simply tire of the royal family? Who were you sending a message for? You are smart enough to poison me fully if you attempted to, so the dosage couldn’t have been a mistake.” Bastien frowned, Liam hadn’t connected the dots yet. “I wasn’t compromised I was following orders.” The Kings orders to be exact, orders Bastien couldn’t refuse. Liam’s gaze hardened, his sick dying father would have no reason to poison him, he concluded that Bastien had to be lying to cover his tracks. Liam sighed heavily when Drake knocked on the door softly before rushing in, catching both men off guard. “I apologize for the interruption your majesty, but Lady Kendra has gone missing.”

Liam, having watched Kendra drive off knowing she was headed to Ramsford, ignored the intrusion. “You cant honestly expect me to believe the the King father wanted me poisoned.” He stated, watching Bastien’s body language intensely. Bastien sighed, “I do as my King commands, as it is absolute. He is the only person to be able to order me to do such things. King father told me to slip you just enough to make you faint, however he wouldn’t tell me anything more as far as motives go.” Bastien relented. He hadn’t wanted any part of this, but the Kings order is absolute and he had no choice. Liam was his King now, and his word was just as absolute as his fathers before him.

Liam’s jaw clenched at Bastien’s accusation. The idea that his father would do such a thing made no sense to him, what reason would his father have to poison him half way? Liam’s mind began to spin and turn with the possibilities. “Drake, have Bastien arrested until I can further decide what to do with him and the information he has brought me.” He said distractedly, trying to piece together a motive for Bastien’s actions. Two more royal guards came and escorted Bastien out, and Liam noticed that Drake didn’t leave with them. He looked to the brown haired man expectantly, “And Kendra?” Drake asked gauging the Kings response. Liam shook his head, “She isn’t missing. She’s simply gone to Ramsford to talk to Maxwell. I saw her off this morning.” 

Drake stood uncomfortably in the presence of his childhood friend and lover, knowing exactly how well he would take this news. “No, Liam. Someone grabbed her at the train station. The small team of guard you attached to her was able to stop the attempted kidnappers, but they can’t find Lady Kendra anywhere. Local authorities are looking for her as well.”

Tensions were high at the palace as the four friends tried endlessly to reach either Max or Kendra, none successful. Liam hadn’t stopped pacing since Drake had broken the news to him. Olivia, Hana, and Drake eyed him nervously as they monitored their phones and the news, desperate for any information. “Some one really has it out for that girl.” Olivia said callously, earning her a side glare from Drake. She rolled her eyes, “honestly, its a miracle shes survived this long. We’re all thinking it, I’m just the only one saying it.” Hana walked over to Liam and put a hand on his shoulder, stopping his pacing. “She’s going to be okay. Her phone is probably on silent, or dead.” She said, trying to ease the mans fear. 

Hana’s phone rang loudly from the table, and all four of their eyes landed on it. “Its Kendra!” Drake exclaimed, reaching out for the phone. Liam was faster, answering it in the blink of an eye. “Kendra?” Liam said, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. He just needed to know that she was okay, his mind still reeling from his earlier encounter. “Λυπάμαι, δεν είμαι φίλος σου. αυτό το τηλέφωνο ήταν στο δάσος;” A confused voice answered him. Liam’s shoulders sank, responding to the man on the other side of the line asking him to turn the phone over to the police. The man quickly agreed and hung up. 

“Was that her? I don’t understand greek, what did you say?” Hana questioned, as soon as the words left her mouth she noticed her friends expressions and knew that it couldn’t have been Kendra. “A citizen found her phone in the forest. He dialed the last number to call her and reached us.” Liam said, and she patted his shoulder reassuringly.

Maxwell’s 80′s themed ringtone woke both of us out of the deep post coital slumber we had both been in. Max reached for the phone that had somehow been shoved into the couch cushions and answered the call. “Yellow.” He said chipperly, I couldn’t make out the words coming through the phone call as I got up and picked up my clothes from around the living room, but judging by Max’s side of it, I could only assume Liam and the others had heard about the kidnapping attempt. Max glanced at me before transitioning into greek to argue with the person on the other end of the line. I debated on if I was going to take a shower or not before we headed back to the palace. I had already been gone longer than I intended and I knew that it would be safest at the palace rather than in Ramsford. Maxwell looked troubled as he hung up the phone.

“I imagine that was the rest of the gang on the phone.” I said, feeling more at ease as Max wrapped his arms around me. “Yeah, they are livid that we didn’t call sooner. I explained that you were upset and wanted to rest, and we didn’t think to check the phone.”  I leaned into his warm chest, breathing deeply. It seemed our moment of reprieve was over, and it was back to the never ending insanity of the Cordonian court. Almost as if reading my mind Maxwell brushed a piece of my hair out of my face as he pressed a kiss to my nose. “You know we don’t have to go back. You are entitled to a break, and can stay here as long as you want. We don’t have to go back to the court, even though Liam wants you too.” I sighed, it really was time for our reprieve to end. I had to tell Maxwell the reason I had come to Ramsford in the first place.

Maxwell looked at me, his emerald eyes shining and my heart broke a little. How could I tell this man that no matter how I felt about him, it wasn’t enough? That I intended to clear my name and marry Liam anyway? “I have to go back, Maxwell.” I watched the light dim in his eyes. Pain cracked behind them as the unspoken words clung to the air. “You chose him.” Max said, sliding his mask back into place. I looked down towards my feet, unsure of how to answer him. 

[watcherofthehearts]

Sex and the Senseless

So lately I’ve been re-watching all of Sex and the City. Maybe It’s boredom, I dunno… I was never SUPER into the show when I was younger. I watched some of the episodes but I was more a fan of the movie (the first one, not that awful 2nd one). I was talking to a couple of friends about it and I think I’ve realized I am on an island all my own with my opinions on the whole show, or rather one character and her relationships. 

Carrie Bradshaw is without a doubt the most immature, annoying, insane person ever. She’s a 30-something year old woman still stuck in her early 20′s. Now sure, all of her friends go out and party with her, but it seems that, with the exception of a small handful of times, Carrie is consistently the one getting drunk and making bad choices. She maxes out her credit cards and spends what I am sure is more than half a year’s salary on shoes alone. She is forever chasing a void, trying to fill it with a wide array of men. She plays as if she is a “sex-pert” but is the last person who should be giving any advice. 

But my opinions seem to differ the most when it comes to her relationship with Mr. Big. I know so many people who HATE this big lovable sexy man. Now, maybe I’m biased because I love Big. Sure he had his jerky moments but if you look at it from a different angle, throughout the show he really was not a bad guy all around. He pretty much says from the start that he isn’t wanting anything serious, he makes it clear he’s a bit jaded and scarred. He wants to take things slowly, and at his pace. Which he tells Carrie MULTIPLE TIMES. Just for her to turn around and try to force him to be something he isn’t. He slowly opens up to her, as much as he is able to, step by step. He’s trying to avoid mistakes he’s made in the past. He’s trying to avoid being hurt just as much as she is, but Carrie just goes ahead and dives on in. Now sure, love can make us foolish. But when foolish meets idiocy, it’s bound for disaster. 

Remember the time she showed up at church?! To see the mother he isn’t ready for her to meet yet?!  Now sure, he is a bit of a jerk to her in the way he always keeps her at arm’s length. He never fully opens up to her, never really says what they are or how he feels. He shows in little ways he is willing to let her in (the toothbrush, letting her spend the night, etc). But he’s inconsistent, which speaking from experience, is INFURIATING. But honestly, in the end, I can’t help but blame their first… and second… and third? (I’ve lost count!) breakups on Carrie. 

She ignores everything he says and misinterprets his distance as some bigger issue. She insinuates and accuses him, leading to multiple problems. Her already fragile insecurities festers into feelings of unworthiness (again, been there, but never have I reacted like she does). She is as bad a communicator as he is, maybe even worse so, which only leads to more misunderstandings. Things grow to be in an okay place with him, but she gets pissed at him at a party, flirts with an old flame, and then leaves to get drunk with that same friend. She wakes up wondering if she cheated on Big. 

She loses her shit on him so many times, acts completely psychotic and is so damn smothering, I’d have broken up with her myself. And really he never once breaks up with her, she is always the one to end it. He gets upset, he takes his space, but he never really calls it quits. But she does. She never accepts any responsibilities for her impatience or lack of empathy. She issues ultimatums instead of patience and solutions. 

And when they do break up? She jumps from dick to dick to dick. Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being sexually free. Hell, sex is great! Personally I am not the type that can jump from partner to partner, relationship to relationship. Hell, I dont even sleep around. But thats just me. 

But Carrie just seems like she only finds her worth when she is with a man. And even then she still acts crazy. She thinks there's something wrong if I a guy won't sleep with her after the third date. She always thinks they are hiding something. She trusts no one and yet she cant stand to be single. She never finds herself. and DONT even get me started on her big speech she makes to her friends about how she was the “best thing to happen to Big”. But honestly, Big was the best thing to happen to her. 

Ugh, I could go on and on but this is already longer than i intended and took a different direction than I meant it to. 

EDIT: I almost forgot the disaster with Aiden! She finds this great guy (who honestly is too good for her). At the start he bugs me because sort of asks her to change right off the bat (smoking). But, then he accepts her for who she is. And she breaks his heart. She cheats on him. Several times. She just continues her pattern...  

why am i still bitching about this show? lol

[2centsofsilver]

12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”