#speak now is very much a reflection of being 19/20 and just that insanity

[bethisblogging]

Truly I feel bad for Midnights because with all the rereleases I don’t think it got to be consumed in the same way it would have been if it were released pre-2020.

[inkribbon796]

The Marvelous Misadventures of One: S. Marvin Argentum Ch. 1: To County Kerry and Back Again

Summary: Marvin goes to clear his head, and gets caught up in a huge conspiracy in the process.

A/N: *side eyes at the recent Techno and Quackity lore* I saw it, and I’ll address that loaded but fun character development it another time. I don’t have Dream in jail . . . yet, maybe . . . so fortunately so I don’t have to adhere/spoil it too closely.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4

Marvin relaxed a bit, as much as he could, into the train seat he was in. His train was traveling from Althone down to his mom’s home in Kelly’s Bay, Ireland.

He’d lost his mask and cape long before he got to the train, and he felt very exposed and uneasy without them. The long scars down his face on display for all to see. But he was going to distance himself from everything that had happened recently.

Fortunately he had nine hours to nap and think. His phone was silenced, except for emergency calls. This would be the start of a time for meditation and reflection.

And it was, for about two hours.

“Marvin?”

The mage did everything in his power not to jump or startle. But when he looked over to see Ghostbur materialize right next to him, he just about launched himself out of his own seat.

“Fook!”[1] Marvin cursed.

“Oh sorry,” Ghostbur held up his hands in apology. “I didn’t mean to startle you, I just wasn’t sure it was you at first without your mask.”

“How the fook[1] did yeh[2] find me?” Marvin hissed, trying to keep his voice down.

“Well I followed you and Average to the station,” Ghost admitted. “You looked really sad and lonely, so I figured I should keep you company.”

“Ghostbur,” Marvin tried to keep his voice down and his anger obviously. “I’m tryin’ ta get away from the heroes. Not brin’ it with me.”[3]

“Yes, you mentioned that, but I just wanted to keep you company,” Ghostbur told him. “Toms was lonely when he was sent off and I didn’t want you to be lonely.”

Marvin was about to snap back that being lonely with his thoughts was the whole point, but at the mention of Tommy, or “Big Man”, and about some more pieces of what had to have been a very tough period in Tommy’s life he decided not to.

“Yeh sure Tommy won’t mind yeh bein’ here with me instead ‘a with him?”[4] Marvin asked.

Ghostbur looked at him hands, “Tommy has Tubbo and Ranboo and . . . Tommy likes them more.”

Feeling like that hit him a bit too personally, Marvin sighed. “Fine, yeh[2] can come with, just make sure yeh[2] don’t tell people who I am.”

Smiling, Ghostbur perked right up, “I won’t, I won’t, I promise.”

Ghostbur more or less kept his word. He meandered up and down the train and they reached County Kerry. Ghostbur was enthralled by the nearby sheep fields. He would lean over the fence and feed them. His sheep companion field often trotted by his side. The farmers and dogs weren’t too keen on him, but the sheep seemed to adore Ghostbur.

One rental car later, Marvin slipped into a petrol station to grab some snacks. No one seemed to recognize him anymore, which Marvin was eternally grateful for.

The ghostly young man was floating next to Marvin as he was in the back grabbing some drinks. He was floating upside-down.

“Mar— uhh, mage I don’t know, uhm,” Ghostbur immediately corrected himself.

“What?” Marvin sighed, closing the fridge door a bit harsher than he needed to. “An’[5] Marv is fine.”

“One of the demon hunters is here,” Ghostbur whispered, hunching in on himself to make himself smaller.

“From Egoton?” Marvin tried to look around the shelf and saw someone in a dark cloak talking to the person behind the register.

“Fook,”[1] Marvin magicked his mask into his hands and put it on. “I’m supposed ta[6] be on leave, stay back here and[5] stay down.”

“Okay,” Ghostbur nodded nervously.

Marvin braced to start casting spells as he walked out. “Well, this is a shite meetin’. The fook yeh doin’ so far from home?”[7]

The hunter turned and pulled down their hood, revealing themself to be the Grandmaster’s second-in-command, “I thought I detected your aura close by.”

“Why don’t we take this outside?” Marvin snarled. “Leave the nice human out ‘a[8] this?”

“Of course, of course,” Taylor promised, and began to back out. Marvin rushed to pay for his things and handed the bags to Ghostbur, who was ordered to stay back in the shop as Marvin stepped out. People were definitely starting to recognize who he was now.

“Yeh need ta turn back around an’ head back o’er ta Egoton, before this fight gets nasty,”[9] Marvin warned. “Not on the clock, supposed ta[6] be headed back home.”

“I would have left you be, but I need help,” the hunter said.

“That’s what the rest ‘a yer Guild is fer,”[10] Marvin spat.

“The Guildmaster is planning another attack on Egoton, but she’s got help,” Taylor told him quickly. “I’ve tried everything to stop her, but she’s only doubling down, all she cares about is killing demons.”

“Why haven’t yeh[2] told the other heroes?” Marvin demanded.

“Are you kidding me?” They spat. “Spade would kill me. Besides, the Host didn’t let me even get close. I’m being watched by the Guildmaster’s favorite hunters. I only just managed to lose them.”

“What are they gonna[11] do?” Marvin demanded.

“The Guildmaster has been talking with the CIA and some showboat freak that’s got a vendetta against the Entity. He passed all the tests as a human but there’s no way that thing is human.” Taylor wasn’t meeting his eyes and they looked pissed. “I think his name is Mark or Marcus.”

Something triggered in the back of Marvin’s memory. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard something in passing but he could have sworn he knew what person the hunter was talking about, but his mind couldn’t conjure a message.

Either way, the demon hunters team with a dangerous personal enemy of Dark’s and the government was a bad idea.

“Shit!” Taylor spat, looking back and pulling out a staff from their robe. “No!”

Marvin looked around, expecting to see more Hunter walking over to him, but he only saw Ghostbur fall out of the little convenience store’s door. He was desperately trying to be discreet and failing.

“Wait, he’s with me,” Marvin got in between the hunter and Ghostbur, readying his cards to defend him.

“With you?” Taylor balked. “Are you insane? Do you know who that is?”

“I work with a guy who’s sleepin’[12] with a mob boss behind my back, an’[5] a demon kid who talks ta[6] squirrels.” Marvin could already feel his blood pressure rising again. “Don’t talk ta me about knowin’ who people are, ‘cause I don’t, an’ I think you do either.”[13]

Ghostbur began getting close but was clearly nervous. Marvin looked at the people watching them and Marvin decided, “Maybe we should get outta[14] here.”

Taylor looked around and threw down a smoke bomb, letting Marvin get into the rental car with Ghostbur and the hunter and driving away, which was immediately tense because Ghostbur was obviously nervous. She was sitting in the back of the car.

Ghostbur was turned around his his seat, looking sadly at her, “I’m sorry if old me ever hurt you in the past. I can’t remember if we’ve ever met.”

“What are you playing at?” The hunter snapped.

“I’ve had really bad memory since I discorporated,” Ghostbur ducked behind the chair. “I know I was a terrible person but I don’t remember you.”

“We never met,” Taylor told him and Ghostbur visibly calmed down.

“Oh, that’s a relief,” Ghostbur sighed and turned around. “Have you met Friend? He’s quite lovely.”

“Don’t summon yer[15] sheep inta[16] my car,” Marvin told her, he knew he shouldn’t be driving to his Mom’s house but he knew that if he didn’t visit her after telling her he was coming back to town and didn’t visit her he would be in trouble. She would find him and that was the last thing he wanted. Besides, he could probably keep the hunter in the car. He glanced at the hunter in the rearview mirror. “So yeh’ve ne’er met Ghostbur, but yeh know who he is?”[17]

“Their entire pact has titles,” Taylor told him. “Philza the Angel of Death, Techno the Blade, Lady Death, Wilbur the Sootling, and Tommy the Child Soldier.”

Marvin thought back to Tommy, laughing and joking around with Ethan and Tubbo. He’d seen Phil and Techno, knew they were dangerous, but he could only imagine the kinds of things Tommy had been through before meeting him in an almost empty sheep field with Ghostbur.

“I’m Ghostbur,” Ghostbur corrected, trying to hide behind the seat again. “Wilbur is dead.”

“Is that so?” The hunter demanded. “Why would the Angel of Death allow that?”

Ghostbur fell quiet, and Marvin verbally moved in to save him. “Hey, I’m gonna[11] call the heroes before I lose all my service out in the middle ‘a[8] fookin’[18] nowhere.”

Before the hunter could argue, Marvin was already speed dialing Chase.

  It took a couple rings before Chase actually picked up and Marvin could tell there was someone else talking to him but over the hum of the car on the road there was no way to tell if it was Dark or Jackie.

“Yeh[2] good?” Chase asked.

“Wish I was,” Marvin told him. “The demon hunters are plannin’[19] an attack on the city next week.”

“What?” Chase demanded in shock and someone on the other line was talking to Chase. “Is it on Friday?”

Shit! Marvin thought and his eyes darted back at Taylor and his knuckles went white on the steering wheel. “Is it on Friday?”

“Yeah, why?” Taylor asked.

“Shite, that’s the wedding,” Marvin hissed, then shouted back at the phone, “Yes!”

“Fook!”[1] Chase spat. Then Chase leaned away from the phone. “The fook yeh wanna do?”[20]

More muffled speaking followed.

“That . . .” Chase cut off, leaving Marvin unsure if he stopped talking or Marvin just couldn’t hear his rebuttal. But it let Marvin narrow down who Chase was probably with and talking to. “Look, Marv, I’ll call yeh back later. Gotta talk ta Dark about this.”[21]

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Marvin said, “take care ‘a yerself, ‘kay?”[22]

“Yeah,” Chase hung up, leaving the car in silence.

“What happens on Friday?” Taylor leaned forward closer to the driver’s seat.

“There’s a wedding, one ‘a Dark’s sons an’ one ‘a our aged out apprentices is gettin’ married next week, an’ this is too coincidental,”[23] Marvin explained.

“Is that what the event is?” Taylor realized. “We were told there was some big festival or gathering.”

“Nothing bad ever happens at a festival,” Ghostbur mumbled blankly, as if recalling some past, bad memory.

“Okay, okay, we’re comin’ up ta my stop, I gotta talk ta someone an’ then we can come up with a plan,”[24] Marvin told his passengers.

“Alright,” the hunter seemed to calm down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Accessibility Translations:

1. Fuck

2. you

3. I’m trying to get away from the heroes. Not bring it with me.

4. You sure Tommy won’t mind you being here with me instead of with him?

5. And

6. to

7. Well, this is a shit meeting. The fuck are you doing so far from home?

8. of

9. You need to turn back around and head back over to Egoton, before this fight gets nasty

10. That’s what the rest of your Guild is for,

11. going to

12. sleeping

13. Don’t talk to me about knowing who people are, because I don’t, and I think you do either.

14. out of

15. your

16. into

17. So you’ve never met Ghostbur, but you know who he is?

18. fucking

19. planning

20. The fuck you want to do?

21. Look, Marv, I’ll call you back later. Got to talk to Dark about this.

22. take care of yourself, okay?

23. There’s a wedding, one of Dark’s sons and one of our graduated apprentices is getting married next week, and this is too coincidental

24. Okay, okay, we’re coming up to my stop, I have talk ta someone and then we can come up with a plan

[crazy-little-cool-cat]

Hand in Glove - Chapter 29 | Ben Hardy x OFC

A/N: I have a problem, alright? In the words of the greatest poet to ever live, Mr. Kanye West - “I’m tired. You’re Tired. Jesus wept.” Also not sure if there are any typos left or not so if there are just pretend they don’t exist ok byeeeeee.

Warnings: Smut ahead. Kind of. 

Word Count: ~3K

Chapter 1, Chapter 2,  Chapter 3,  Chapter 4,  Chapter 5,  Chapter 6,  Chapter 7,  Chapter 8,  Chapter 9,  Chapter 10,  Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14 , Chapter 15 , Chapter 16 , Chapter 17 , Chapter 18 , Chapter 19 , Chapter 20 , Chapter 21 , Chapter 22 , Chapter 23 , Chapter 24, Chapter 25 , Chapter 26, Chapter 27 , Chapter 28

“Do we write our own vows?” Ben asked and handed Rory her plastic spoon. “Like, is that a thing we can do?”

“I think so, yeah.” Annie covered her mouth, speaking while she chewed. She swallowed and made funny faces at Rory. “Can you believe she’s 10 months old?”

“Can you believe we’re getting married next week?” Ben countered.

“No,” Annie confessed. “Not really.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

“Yeah?” Annie leaned forward, intrigued.

“I know you said you don’t want a big wedding -”

“Not this again.”

“- but what if we do something small scale? After we get legally married. Just a big party for friends and family.”

“Ben…”

“Look, I humoured you long enough. I’ve basically let you walk all over me. I need something, Annie.” Ben dropped his fork with a clatter. “You’re not alone in this relationship.”

“Why are you so obsessed with this?” Annie dropped her fork too. “Why is it so important for you?”

“Because it just is.” Ben glared at her. “This isn’t Shitstorm Annie’s exclusive one-woman show, you know.”

“Call me a shitstorm again. Go on.”

“Shitstorm.”

“You know what?” Annie pushed her chair back. “I’m done.”

“The hell you are. Sit down.” Ben said calmly.

“Excuse me?” Annie scoffed.

“We’re having dinner with our daughter. Sit. Down.” Ben bounced his knee impatiently. “Grow up, will you?”

“How dare you -”

“If you mention me being away in the States again, Annabelle, so help me God, there will be no wedding. At all. Secret or not.” Ben’s jaw jutted forward slightly as he clenched it. “I’m so bloody sick of you holding it against me.”

Annie sat back down, doe-eyed. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Ben so riled up.

“Now, listen very carefully, because I’m only going to say this once.” Ben wiped Rory’s chin with her bib. “You got what you wanted. On your terms. Now, it’s my turn.”

“Do you honestly think it’s fair to invite your family to our wedding, when mine won’t be there?” Annie quipped.

“They could be if you invited them.” Ben shrugged. “It’s totally up to you.”

“You are my family, you bellend.” Annie closed her fists. “It’s like talking to a bloody rock.”

“You’re such a control freak, Annabelle.” Ben groaned. “Let it go. For once in your life.”

###

Annie looked in the mirror as she tried on an ivory colored dress. She scrutinized her reflection, nit-picking every little flaw and imperfection she could possibly find.

“Annie you’ve been glaring at yourself for fifteen minutes now.” Jamie held his head in his hands. “Please. You look beautiful. I want to leave.”

“No. This isn’t right. The hem is too long.”

“The hem is perfect.” Jamie sighed. “The neckline is perfect. The waist is perfect. Everything is bloody perfect! You look like a bloody angel.” Jamie stood up and walked over to where Annie stood. “You’re a spawn of the devil, but you look like an angel.”

“Do you think he’ll like it?” Annie looked up at her friend, wide-eyed and childlike.

“I know he will. How could he not?”

Annie fidgeted with the hem of her dress. It went up to just over her knees. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other, nodding to herself.

“Alright. Let’s get out of here, then.”

“Thank God!”

###

Ben spent most of his days home alone, working on writing his vows. He bit his nails as he stared at the piece of paper in front of him. His brain seemed to have forgotten how to use words properly, and went completely blank. With the wedding ceremony fast approaching, Ben could feel his entire body tense up from the stress.

They’ve planned the entire day out. Rory will be in daycare. Brian and Roger will meet Ben at the chapel he and Annie picked and triple-checked that is authorised by the Register Office. Jamie will drive Annie from set and bring her there. Once the ceremony is over and done with, they’ll pick Rory up and go have dinner at a restaurant, all three of them.

They even made reservations.

Roger gifted them two of his cymbal rings as a wedding present. Brian said his present will be a surprise. Jamie has done above and beyond to help Annabelle make this wedding happen on her terms, she couldn’t even imagine him giving anything more. In her words, ‘he risked his own bloody marriage for us, that’s more than enough.’

Ben picked up the pen and started drumming a beat on the edge of the table. When nothing came to him even still, he did the only thing he could think of. He started drinking.

###

“Ben?” Annie called from the front door, holding Rory in her arms. “Are you home?”

“Yeah!” Ben’s deep voice carried from the kitchen. “Juss’ doin’ stuff.”

Annie followed his voice and found him sitting in his underwear, in the midst of empty beer bottles, a half finished bottle of whiskey and a sea of balled up papers around him. His hair stuck out in every possible direction.

“What the hell?” she managed to force out through a smile and put Rory down on the floor.

“Well, I -” Ben burped, “oof, sorry. I’m writing the vows!”

“You’re sloshed.”

“I needed to relax, alright?” Ben took another sip of his whiskey. “Get the juices flowing.”

“Ben, where are your pants?”

“I got overheated.”

“What happened to your shirt?”

“I think I’m allergic to it.” Ben shrugged. “Shoo, Annie! You’re interrupting!”

He didn’t even notice the bag she was carrying, he was so keen on finishing the task at hand. With the tip of his tongue poking out through the corner of his mouth, Ben furiously scribbled across the page.

###

“That settles it.” Clara wiped her fingers on her napkin, finishing her lunch. “Your boyfriend is allergic to all clothes.”

“Ha, ha.” Annie rolled her eyes playfully. “He looked like a child doing his homework.”

“Aw, cute!” Mike chimed in. “What was he writing?”

“Oh.” Annie froze, trying to come up with an explanation for Ben’s drunken, naked writing session the previous night. “I think he’s writing a story.”

“A story?” Clara raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Kept telling me to shoo and that I’m interrupting.” Annie hoped her voice didn’t give anything away. “Probably a Clannie story.”

Clara snorted and doubled over laughing.

###

“Ben!” Annie shouted as she entered the house. “I’m here!”

He texted her in the middle of the day that she needs to come home because he is having a serious condition that needs tending to. Ben hardly ever got sick, and when he did - he turned into the biggest, neediest baby. Annie made use of her acting skills and convinced the production team that she’s incredibly ill and could use the rest of the day off to rest.

“Come here!” Ben called from the bedroom. Annie climbed up the stairs in a rush to find Ben standing at the foot of the bed. He looked relieved to see her. “Come here for a second.”

“What’s going on?” Annie looked him up and down, trying to see what was amiss. He seemed fine. Clothes on. Great spirits. “Ben, did you call me home because you got lonely?”

“Lonely?” Ben scoffed. “This goes beyond loneliness.”

“What?”

“Just…” Ben grunted uncomfortably.

“Ben what the hell are you doing?”

“This is serious, okay?” he started to undo his belt and popped the button on his jeans open, pulling the fly down.

“For the love of God -”

“Look at this. Look at it!” Ben stood, his jeans pooled around his ankles, arms outstretched to the sides. He pointed with both hands at his crotch. “Look at how hard I am.”

“I’ll pick up a medal on the way home.” Annie rolled her eyes and turned around.

“Oh, you’re not going anywhere.” Ben stated. “This?” he palmed his boxers. “This is just because I was thinking of you. Not even in a sexual way. You popped into my head and there it is!”

“Ben, you had me seriously worried that something might be wrong and -” Annie gasped. “Will you stop playing with yourself?!”

“Only if you’ll play with me instead.” Ben stepped out of his jeans and approached her. “Do you have any idea how much I need you right now?”

“Ben, I lied to everyone to get home as fast as I could and I come home to this?” Annie stepped back. “What is the matter with you?”

“I love you. I want you.” Ben started counting off answers. “I’m throbbing just thinking about you, going about your day.” He swooped forward and grabbed her, pushing his hips forward. “Feel it.”

“Have you gone completely mad?” Annie laughed as he pushed his cock against her tummy. “Ben!”

“We’re getting married. This time, tomorrow.” Ben wrapped his fingers around the column of Annie’s neck, giving it a gentle squeeze. “And I am so turned on by the mere thought of having you for myself. Forever.”

“You’re a lunatic.”

“You’re wearing too many clothes.” Ben observed.

“Are you high?”

“No.”

“Drunk?”

“Nope.”

“Just utterly insane, then?”

“Yes.”

###

“Nervous?” Brian wiggled his eyebrows at Ben.

“Not really. Just… anxious to see her.” Ben bit his bottom lip and shifted his weight from foot to foot.

The door to the chapel opened and Jamie walked in, holding it open for Annie. As if she was an actual dream, she appeared in the doorway, the light from outside casting a soft halo around her. A flower-crown weaved in her long hair, she looked like a porcelain doll in her Ivory dress. Ben’s breath caught in his chest at the sight of her.

Jamie offered his arm, and Annie held onto it, allowing him to lead her to the altar where Ben was standing with the registrar. She felt wobbly on her feet, and she wasn’t sure if the situation made her so unsteady or whether it was Roger and Brian’s presence there.

“Wait, wait!” Brian said and turned around to grab his Red Special. “Carry on now.”

To the sound of Brian’s guitar playing the Wedding March, Annie walked down the aisle towards her future husband. They both smiled so bright, it was almost blinding. As soon as she reached Ben, she grabbed his hand and held onto it for dear life. The registrar spoke, but neither Annie nor Ben listened. They just looked at each other in pure adoration.

“Hey, space cadets!” Roger snapped them out of their stupur. “Vows?”

“Oh, yeah.” Ben chuckled sheepishly and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “Annie. You ran into my life screaming Silly Gwilly and turned my whole world upside down. At a wedding, oddly enough. Never in my wildest dreams did I even think I’d be standing here right now, at this very moment. All it took was one kiss and I knew that you will be mine, no matter what. God knows you didn’t go down without a fight, kicking and screaming.”

 Annie chuckled. 

“It’s what I love about you most. You’re red-blooded. Fierce. You go after what you want, no matter the consequences. And yet, you listen. You learn. You help me learn, as well.” 

Ben smiled as he looked down at the paper and folded it back. 

“Today, I vow to love you and protect you, fiercely and forever, with every fiber of my being. Even when you’re irritating me beyond belief. No matter how far away I am, I will always love you and come home to you.”

“Well, then.” Annie let out a shaky chuckle as Ben stuffed the paper back in his slacks pocket. 

Her hands shook as she reached for her piece of paper. 

“I’m going to start this off by saying this: Ben Jones, you are the most infuriating man I have ever met. I love you for it. You let me be myself, but you put me in my place when I get out of hand. You’re my voice of reason and sensibility. My shelter.” 

Ben bit his bottom lip and smiled like a fool. 

“You took every notion I had of relationships and companionship and tossed it out the bloody window, reframing my entire mind. Because of you, I let myself leave my comfort zone and I ended up doing things I never thought I’d do. Childbirth was a big one of them. You gave me Rory and Franks, and you showed me what love is supposed to do.” 

Annie gulped and took a deep breath.

“You’ve stayed with me through thick and thin, even when I did my best to push you away. You are my soldier. My angel. My worst nightmare, at times. I will kill and die for you. I’ll be there for you through rain and sunshine and the end of the bloody world, for that matter. I love you, fiercely and forever.”

Ben and Annie exchanged rings and went through the motions of the ceremony, signing the wedding register obediently.

Thus, they were pronounced husband and wife.

###

Ben entered the dimly-lit bedroom quietly, smiling at Annie. She the covers pulled up to her chin, a playful glint in her eyes. Rory was sound asleep, and they were married.

“What’re you hiding over there?” Ben asked as he approached the bed. “You’re up to something. You’ve got the look.”

“See for yourself.” Annie shrugged.

Ben lifted the covers and took a long look at Annie’s naked body, her skin pale against the dark sheets. His eyes scanned her slowly, from her toes all the way up to the top of her head.

“Come and perform your husbandly duty?” Annie teased him. “Let’s consummate this bitch.”

They both cracked up laughing as Ben took off his boxers and rolled into bed next to Annie.

“Is it strange that it feels like the very first time again?” Annie whispered.

“Not at all,” Ben cleared his throat, and leaned in, his lips just brushing Annie’s. “I’m even more nervous now, actually.”

“Yeah?” Annie smiled and felt her body melt into Ben’s touch as he nodded and run his fingers through her hair. “Maybe it’s -”

Ben cut Annie off with a lingering kiss to her lips. Pulling apart, a blush rose on their cheeks as their heartbeats picked up. They’ve done this over a million times now, but never as husband and wife.

Annie caressed Ben’s jaw, looking up at him in awe. He smiled and kissed her lips again, pressing soft, lingering kisses to her lips. They weren’t usually this tender with each other, but this time was different. They couldn’t explain how so, they just felt that it was. They had forever, now. No need to rush.

Ben rolled himself on top of Annie, leaning his weight on his forearms. Their kiss deepend, changing from soft and sweet to feverish and needy. As Annie spread her legs wider, Ben slipped inside of her, pressing his forehead to the pillow, right next to Annie’s head. A whole flock of butterflies unleashed themselves as he moaned in her ear, bottoming out.

They stayed still, physically connected. Annie ran her hands up and down Ben’s back, her hips rolling slightly. Giving Ben a physical hint - she needs movement. Friction. Ben pulled himself almost all the way out and slammed himself back in. Annie’s soft moans were music to his ears.

###

“Good morning, Mrs. Jones.” Ben’s raspy voice woke her up the next morning.

“Time’s it?” Annie mumbled into the pillow.

“The sun is just coming up. Was about to go have a piss but then I saw you.” Ben snuggled closer to her. “Bodily functions can wait.”

“Mmm.” Annie moaned softly, still sleepy.

“Fiercely and forever.” Ben whispered as she drifted back off.

“Fiercely and forever.”

###

“Mum. Dada.”

Ben and Annie froze in their tracks as they went about making breakfast and getting Rory ready for the day.

“Did she just -” Ben pointed at his daughter.

“Dada. Mum!”

Annie looked at Ben, frowning.

“Mum mum! Dada!” Rory cooed and chattered, clapping to herself.

“Yes, baby?” Ben spoke. Rory turned her head and flashed him a somewhat toothy smile.

“Dada!”

“Oh my God!” Annie gasped. “Did she just say her first words?”

“I think she did!”

“Oh, my clever Aurora!” Annie picked her up from her highchair and cuddled her. “Such a smart girl!”

###

“You still want your little ‘party’?” Annie asked Ben about two weeks later. “For the family and friends.” She clarified when Ben looked at her as if she spoke in tongues.

“Yeah. Yes.” Ben nodded.

“If we do that…” Annie started.

“We’ll do it right. Plan ahead, at least six months. Make it perfect.” Ben smiled. “Are you sure?”

“You deserve it.” Annie shrugged.

“You will be the death of me, Annabelle Lee-Jones.” Ben sighed and walked over to Annie, squeezing her in a hug.

Annie’s stomach flipped and turned, making her sick. Third day in a row.

“Again?” Ben called after her as she bolted for the loo. “Maybe you should see a doctor?”

###

“Come again?” Annie looked at Dr. McCarthy, her mouth open in shock. She thought she misheard. She was sure there has to be some mistake. “I’m what, now?”

“Pregnant. With child.” Dr. McCarthy kept her face and voice even. “You have a bun in the oven, love.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Facts are facts, dear.” Dr. McCarthy pursed her lips. “The IUD is effective, but not 100%. 99.2%, actually. Seems like you’re the goddess of fertility and your partner has some almighty sperm because nothing can stop you two from making babies, it seems.”

“Are you serious?” Annie’s hands started shaking. “This can actually happen?”

“Rarely, but yes.”

“Huh.” Annie huffed with a frown. “That explains a lot, actually.”

“Yeah.”

“So, do we just keep it in there? Let the spawn play with it while it grows?” Annie grimaced.

“Well, no.” Dr. McCarthy said, slipping on her latex gloves. “The thing’s coming out. Now.”

“Oh boy.”

########

TAGLIST:  @ramibaby​ @xgoingdownx​ @qweenly​ @violetpond​ @sweeterthancheese @drummerqueenrmt @westansstuff @justgivemethekeys  @blondecarfucker @cheeseedreams47 @deacy-dearest​ @pinkmarvel @onceuponadetectivedemigod

[lookwhatilost]

24

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin. 

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

[thoughtsofdarc]

My Latest Mission... Part 21

Reader (Y/N), Steve, Clint, Warnings: Language. Being a Hydra asset. Anger. Angst. fighting, blood, death. Words: 3205

A/N: Just... I don’t know... I have no comments for you this time... *Stares blankly into nothing* 

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - (Part 18 Bonus) - Part 19 - Part 20

Never in my life have I run this fast, fuck bullets, fuck HYDRA agents, fuck everything! "Lilly! Oh my God... Lilly!" I throw myself on the ground next to her, scraping my hands as I do. Cupping her face, desperately trying to make her look at me. "Lilly please... Wake up! I did as I promised... Please look at me!" But she doesn't... Her eyes stare blankly out into nothing. I feel hands grab me and pull me away roughly, making me fight against their grasp.

"STOP TOUCHING ME! She needs help! Help her!!!"

I know the words are leaving my mouth, but I don't hear them, I don't feel anything else than the hands trying to pry me away from Lilly's body... "Get her away from here" I hear the words, but don't register who says them.

As I look at Lilly and see her body on the ground, I give up. I can't fight anymore, I don't want to. There's no justice in this world anymore.

I watch as the car drives away and make sure it's completely out of sight, before I turn to look at the kid who is watching me with big scared eyes.

 "Right, better get going. Come on boy..."

 Nathaniel looks at me but doesn't move. It's clear that he is afraid and he can't figure out what we are doing out here in the middle of nowhere.

I got to give it to the kid though, there's that spark of defiance in his eyes, that little light of bravery. Good for you kid!

 "Come on kiddo, we can't stand here all day... He'll be back again you know, and you are not supposed to be here when he does" I look down the road to look for any sign of the car, but it is gone.

 "I'm scared and I don't like you!" As he says the words, his eyes get tainted with strength, like telling me that he doesn't like me gives him power inside.

I can't help but to chuckle, the sound a bit foreign for me. "I like you kid... You are a tough little one, aren't you? That's good... you need that. But we really need to go. I will explain everything to you as we walk, but we have to go right now!" I hold out my hand to the kid and smile as look at him with as much sincerity as I hold, praying that he won't make this too hard.

 Nathaniel eyes me up for a second, having an inner debate whether to trust me or not, before he finally puts his little hand in mine and we start to walk into the woods.

"Y/N!" Aiden comes running over to the place I am sitting with a couple of S.H.I.E.L.D agents on either side of me, only to be stopped by them.

"What's going on?! Y/N?" he asks, as he tries to push himself away from the agent and over to me.

 "She's dead..." I look at him, blankly with tears threatening to fall from my eyes "...They think I shot her"

Aiden's eyes goes big before he looks at the agent holding him back

"What? Are you insane? She hasn't killed anyone! For fuck sake, she pulled one of our own out of the building with bullet wounds in him, trying to stop his fucking bleeding as she did so!"

 He almost screams the words, and the agent coldly stares at him "Step back Agent. She's in our custody for now" I can't do anything, I have no more will in me to fight. It feels as if every time I try to do something good, I am thrown right back down into the black hole of bad.

I lift my hands, which are bound together by cuffs and wave Aiden away

"It's okay. I'll be okay" I say, but the words sound hollow.

 "You got to be fucking kidding me...!" he mumbles as he turns around throwing his hands up in the air in annoyance.

"Where's the Captain?" Aiden asks the agent by my side.

 "No one has seen or heard from him since he went in. The Hawk is in there looking for him right now, and she better pray to God that he will find him alive!" An angry Sergeant Bishop storm towards us. "She fucking killed them all... I saw her with the gun! She fucking killed them!!!"

He screams, pointing at me as if they didn't know who he was speaking of.

 I look up at him, slowly shaking my head "I didn't... she was my friend..."

It's almost a whisper, the words hurt to say out loud.

 "I fucking saw you, Bitch! I should kill you myself right now!!" He screams back, pulling his gun out of the holster pointing it at me.

Both agents by my side and Aiden quickly aim their guns at Bishop in return, yelling to him to lower his weapon.

 Fucking hell, whoever did this, certainly fucked everything up.

Just as I thought life was treating me right, then someone pulls this trick and make everything crumble around me.

 I can feel the bubbling feeling in my stomach from laughter that denies to be contained. I try with all my power to hold it back, but it won't stay in, and before I know it the sound of laughter leaves my mouth... A humorless, sad laughter, but a laughter none the less.

 All 4 men turn to look at me, wide eyes and in shock. I would probably do the same, if my own eyes weren't filled with unshed tears.

"What the hell?" one of the agents mumbles.

 Soon the laughter turns to crying. Uncontrollable sobbing, with tears flowing down my cheeks, without any ending in sight.

This might just be how I lose my mind, I think to myself...

I keep eye contact with myself in the mirror glass window as I lower myself to whisper in Lilly's ear. 

I know several people are watching us from the room on the other side and I'm going to make sure they get the show they came to see.

 A smirk is playing on my lips as I put them so close to her ears, that only she can hear me talk.

 "In this bag, is the shirt of your little boy... There's several holes caused by my knife in it, and it's drenched in blood. Please, go ahead and take a look"

 It hurts me to say this, knowing what my words does to her. In the reflection I can see her eyes widen as I talk, and slowly she grabs the bag on the table and pull out the shirt that Nathaniel wore the last time she saw him. It is full of holes, and it is drenched in blood... I didn't lie.

 The ear piercing scream that leaves the woman as she sees the shirt is deafening, and I hope she blow out the eardrums of the men listening in the other room.

 I straighten up and grin evilly to my reflection, knowing full well that they have seen and heard everything, just as planned.

 As Lilly keeps screaming, crying and hugging her little boy's shirt tight to her chest, the window in front of me turns black.

Apparently a grieving mother isn't something the big bad HYDRA people want to be witnesses too. Now they can't see or hear Lilly and myself... And I smile and think, that they are playing their part so easily, it's almost a joke.

The fighting around us has finally died out. Lots of lives have been lost, lucky for us mostly HYDRA agents. But some agents of our own have given their lives to a mission that has failed miserably, and right now I'm the one they all blame.

 I've stopped crying, feeling the tears dry on my skin as I stare blankly in front of me.

No one has heard from Steve or Clint for a while. Bishop and one of the agents are debating on whether or not to go in and look for them.

But they don't have to make the decision for themselves...

 "Captain!" Aiden suddenly says loudly, causing us all to look in the direction he is turning.

 Covered in dust, cuts and scrapes, out walks Clint with Steve's arms around his shoulder, supporting him as they walk. There's blood on the side of Steve's face.

I stand up so fast that I almost lose balance. What happened in there? Steve looks so tired and Clint looks mad...

 When Clint sees us, he whispers something to Steve who looks up and watches us all. When his eyes land of the cuffs on my wrists, he straightens up, and get the Captain look on his face in seconds. I can see he's in pain but he tries to not let it show.

 "What is going on here?!" He asks looking at me before he turns his gaze to Sergeant Bishop.

 "She killed our target, Captain. And she killed Agent Jones too. I saw her do it!" Bishop says with a grim look on his face.

 I don't know why he keeps saying that he saw me do it, all I know is that he is lying.

 "Y/N?" Clint's voice is quiet and calm, but his eyes show confusion and sadness.

 "I didn't do it. She was my friend!" This time the words come out louder. Anger is starting to rise inside of me. How dare they accuse me of killing my only friend I've had all those years, while being in the hands of HYDRA?

I hold up my hands towards Steve and Clint, not knowing what else to say.

 Both their eyes look at my hands, and the cuffs on my wrists. I follow their gaze and see my hands, covered in dirt and blood...

I have blood on my hands, once again because of Lilly.

We have been walking for a while, and the kid is struggling to keep up. I look down at him and all I see is a scared little boy, who doesn't know what awaits him.

A knot in my stomach is forming... This isn't how I want to do this. This isn't how Nathaniel Gibson should stop existing in this world, but it has to be done.

 "Hey kid, stop for a second" I say as I slow down. He looks up at me, his big eyes full of questions, that I will never truly be able to answer for him.

 I drop down to my knees in front of him and put my hands on his shoulders, squeezing them in a calming way. I don't know if it's me or him I'm trying to calm though.

 "I'm going to tell you something now, and it is very important that you are going to listen carefully and do just as I tell you to, okay?" I look into his eyes, trying to show him the importance of this.

He nods slowly.

 "I need to hear you say out loud, that you are going to listen, Sweetie" The pet name coming from me sounds so foreign, as I realize that I haven't talked to anyone without hatred in my voice for decades.

"Please Nathaniel..."

 His eyes widen a bit, as he hear my pleading and he slowly nods again

"Okay y/n. I'm going to listen" His little voice is slightly shaking.

 "Thank you" I add and smile before I starts to talk.

 "Nathaniel, you know that some very bad men took you and your mother, and that they have tried to make her do something that she didn't want to, right? And that the bad men wanted me to force her into doing it?" He nods again.

"Those bad men, told me to take you away... Forever. Do you understand what I mean?"

 Nathaniel's eyes get blank as tears form in them. He doesn't say anything but he doesn't start to cryeither, as I thought he would. He just looks at me and whisper "Yes Y/n..." as a single tear travels down his cheek.

 "I won't do as they tell me, Nathaniel! I won't hurt you!"

My own eyes start to tear up, and I clear my throat before I continue.

How can life be so unfair to such a little kid I ask myself.

 "I'm trying to help you, Kiddo... and after I've helped you, I'm going to try and help your mother! I promise... I pinky promise, Do you know what a pinky promise is?" I ask and wipe away the tear on his face.

Nathaniel looks a little relived as he eagerly nods

"Yes, it's a promise you can't break!" he says.

 "That's right, Sweetie. And I pinky promise, that I'm doing my best to help you and your mother"

I hold up my finger to him and see a little smile form on his lips as he wrap his little finger around mine.

 I shake my head in awe over this little boy. So scared, so alone and yet so strong. I don't know what comes over me, but I pull him in and hug him tight, as I let my hand cradle the back of his head.

 "You're a good boy, you know that right? Your mom loves you very, very much and she is so proud of you!"

I know that she never told me so herself, but in my heart I know it's true, and he needs to know this before it all goes down.

 I let him go from my embrace and look him in the eyes again, making sure that he hears and understands.

 "Do you know what a compass is?" I ask as I open the bag I have been carrying with us, and pull out a compass and hand it to him. He shakes his head and looks at me.

"You see that needle there? It tells you where you are, it always point towards north, and when you know where north is, you will know where to go. Try to turn around and watch the needle, it will always point in one direction - North"

 He does as I ask and smiles widely, when he realize how the compass works.

 "Soon, you will have to walk through the forest alone, I can't come with you"

Nathaniel quickly looks up and starts to protest, but I stop him

"I have to go back and get your mom, remember?"

 "I know it's going to get scary, but Nathaniel, you are a brave boy and strong! And you have to do this, so when I find you again with your mother, you will be able to be together again, okay?"

He nods again.

 "I need you to take off your shirt, I have to take it back to the bad men. But I have some blankets for you, and we are going to make a blanket shirt you can wear as you walk"

I pull out some blankets, and starts to cut one of them up to fit around his little body, as he takes off his shirt.

 When he has the blanket wrapped around him as a makeshift shirt. I show him the other things in the bag. Another blanket, 2 bottles of water, some chocolate, some crackers and a flashlight. I thank the gods, that I was able to sneak this out.

I show him which way the needle has to point as he walks, and I tell him to ration the water and the snacks. Walking him through everything and asking him to repeat. Setting up scenarios and asking him what he is going to do if he encounters them, making sure he has understood everything and I feel somewhat safe about sending such a small kid, into the big forest alone.

I have to keep reminding myself, that this way he at least has a chance to survive. If I bring him back with me, it will be his certain death.

 "Are you ready Kiddo?" I ask as I secure the makeshift bag made of the spare blanket to his shoulder.

"I guess so..." his voice is weak and sad.

 "You can do this... Remember what I said, you are tough and strong. You are the bravest boy I have ever met... You remind me so much of an old friend I once had, and he was the bravest of them all!" I put my hand on his cheek, trying to calm the little boy in front of me.

 "One last thing, Sweetie.... You can never use your own name again. Never! Do you understand?? You are no longer Nathaniel Gibson... He doesn't exist, and never has. Okay??" Nathaniel looks confused and he asks me "Why?? Nathaniel is my name" I shake my head "No, Sweetie... You can never tell anyone that you once were called Nathaniel. The bad men might look for you, and if they find out that Nathaniel Gibson is still alive, they will find you. I don't want them to do that..." I look at him pleading him to understand what I am saying, without having to go into too many details of what will happen if HYDRA gets their hands on him again.

 "What is my name then?" He asks.

 A lump form in my throat as I think of a name, tears threatening once again to fall.

 "You are James Rogers! The bravest boy in the world!" my smile is bright and happy, showing the kid that everything is going to be alright.

 It takes a moment, as he tries out the name in his head and then suddenly, he smiles the biggest I've ever seen and he gives me a single nod "Okay! I like that name... But tell my mom what my new name is, so she can find me, okay?"

 "Shit, kiddo..." I mumble in awe once again "Of cause I'll tell her... and I will tell her how good you have been, and brave!"

 For a moment we just look at each other, not really knowing what to do now, silence falls between us so only the sounds of the forest is heard. He is standing so still, that it takes me by complete surprise when he throws himself around my neck in a crushing hug.

"Thank you for saving me!" He mumbles into my shoulder.

 As I watch him walk, the compass secured in his hands, the knot in my stomach gets bigger and bigger.... How can one little kid survive alone in this big forest?? I don't know if I did him a favor or if I have just sent him into certain and slow death...

 "Hey, Nathaniel!!" I call after him, but he doesn't react, just keeps walking.

"Nathaniel!" I call again, I see his shoulders tense, but other than that there's still no reaction.

 I smile to myself before I call out again "Hey, James!?"

And just as I thought, the boy turns around with a questioning look

 "Be good, okay?" I ask, not knowing what else to say.

The bright smile on his face gives me hope... Hope that this little boy can actually do this!

Part 22...

Did you like this? Let me know your thoughts Here, in the comments or on a reblog. 

I’ll love you forever <3

Taglist: Want to be tagged, or be removed from the list? Let me know

@kelsywbu​ @buckysjuicyplums​ @todorath​ @mynameisreallycoolbutitstoolong​​ @thelemondraws​ @terratori812​  @kalisaysfuck @koizorahana​ @dragoste-lunes​ @99selina99​ @bonnibelbubbleglob​ @fangirling-all-the-way-tbh​ @hayleynightcore​ @clifaye​ @katiekinzs​ @shitmymomsay​ @jenniseiblack​ @hippie-taco-lady​ @sumiaran​ @owhatshername1​  @sinceimetyou @tbetz0341 @fortheloveoflamp @becauseifuckingcan @mashed-fandom-imagines @leaningtowerof-not-pisa @negans-only-wife @ghostslikemydoubts @alextittle @mjgonzalez-01 @daddyspeirs0 @ahufflepuffbitch  @spacemarkimoo @projectxhappiness @kuollut-talven @lol-haha-joke @justabravelittleblogger @colie87 @caplansteverogers @loki7ms @who-cares-rn @howdoesoneadult  @infinte-exist-ence

[bikingthroughhawkins]

I was tagged by the gorgeous @maplestreet83 - thanks so much for tagging me, Petal! You’re a gem and congrats again on the follow count!! 💙💙🌸😘

Rules:

1. Post the rules

2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

3. Write Eleven questions of your own

4. And tag Eleven people

1. Favourite movie?

Teen Beach Movie! Starring my gorgeous husband who I love with all my heart and being - the PERFECT AND FLAWLESS ROSS LYNCH 😍😍😍

2. Favourite season 2 theory so far?

Well because it’s already aired (Hallelujah 🙏🏻🙌🏻) I’m gonna say what my fav theory was which was that the Demogorgon was a conjuring of a dark mirror reflection of Eleven’s inner psyche. I thought that was so cool! And some scenes had direct parallels!

3. Have a crush?

On my husband, Ross Lynch, as discussed above, yes 😁 IRL? No, the boys at my school be yucky

4. Candy corn or nah?

Never tried it but I don’t like candy so nahhhhhh

5. Favourite line from all of ST?

Too many to name!!! But I think I die the most at “so, Jonathan...how was the pull out?” - Cue me dead on the floor

6. Zodiac sign?

(An insanely and ironically unbalanced) LIBRA

7. Favourite Stranger Things 2 scene?

OoOhOOo too many!!! But Ma favvvvvv would HAVE to be the scene where Mike is telling El to be careful at the gate and they almost kiss and they get TOTALLY HOPBLOCKED! Hell yeah, not only was there Mileven but over-protective Dad Hopper foreshadowing his role in S3 - defs gotta be Ma favvvv

8. Three favourite TV shows?

Austin & Ally, Stranger Things and Miraculous Ladybug

9. A song you listened to on repeat recently?

The Way That You Do by Ross Lynch (you know who he is to me by now 😉) from the Austin & Ally soundtrack

10. Favourite book genre?

YA Urban Fantasy

11. Jane or Eleven?

ELEVEN!!!! ALL THY WAY! But tbh El if anything - literally whatever Mike calls her 😂😂

12. Bowie or Kenny Rogers?

Gonna have to say Bowie (primarily coz I don’t know who Kenny Rogers is but also coz Bowie be lit)

13. How do you spend a rainy day?

Sleeping in, binging a Netflix series (most likely ST, duh!) and reading my current book while drinking some of my indie hot chocolate I got from a book subscription service ☕️😜

14. Deserted island food choice?

Bow tie pasta (the bow tie part is very important)

15. Greatest number of times you’ve re-read a single book?

I probs re-read Dr Seuss’ There’s No Place Like Space about 163 times

16. Dream retirement destination?

I’ll go wherever my Rossy-Boo goes 💙 (wow, this must be getting sad for you guys)

17. If money wasn’t an issue what would you do with your life?

I probably wouldn’t change much - just the amount of fandom merchandise I own and maybe opt for the premium Netflix package

18. Style choice?

Causal ‘Rydel style’ (just don’t ask haha)

19. Name three idols you would love to sit down and have tea with?

I will exclude ‘you know who’ from this in order to not annoy y’all 😂 love you, Ross! 💋) but I would love to sit down with Harper Lee (TKAM is my favourite book), Rosa Parks (I think she is so inspirational) and oh, what the heck, ROSS! 😆😆❤️ and can we get some hot chocolate going instead of boiled leaf water? Cheers

20. D & D or Dragon’s Lair?

I love board games but I also love the arcade! Gosh Imma say both because I would LOVE to play both

21. If you had a time machine, what time period would you visit?

Either the 80’s (what up, ST crew?!) or the 50’s coz I’m lovin them swing dresses - super cute!!!

22. How would you react to losing your phone?

I don’t know because I would be dead before I let that happen

23. Do you prefer summer or winter?

Summer coz I’m Aussie and we don’t like the cold

24. What’s the last song you’ve had stuck in your head?

Double Take by Ross Lynch (seriously guys, he’s all I think about - I need help) from the Austin & Ally soundtrack

25. How many languages do you speak?

One fluently (well, you can be the judge of that) and I dabble in Le français (very strong emphasis on dabble)

26. Do you have siblings?

Yeah, one little sister - she’s low key a savage

27. Dad Hopper or Dad Steve?

*in that little Mexican girl from the taco ad’s voice* why not have both?

28. Do you have a weird talent?

I can balance a trombone on my upper lip while clapping like a seal (I really don’t know how I discovered it tbh - I was the talk of the intermediate music school district 😂👌🏻)

29. What was your favourite cringey but amazing 80’s look in season two?

It wasn’t cringey in my books but El’s punk look was defs my fav!!!

30. Reese’s pieces or Three Musketeers?

I’ve never tried either (I know! Scandalous!) but I love peanut butter so imma say Reese’s 😜

31. What country in the world would you like to visit?

Either the USA or the Netherlands because why not?

32. What’s your favourite song from the Stranger Things soundtrack?

From season one, I honestly loved them all but my favs were First Kiss and Biking To School (which is what inspired my URL) and from season two it would have to be Eulogy because it’s triggering but a beautiful triggering

33. What’s the best gift you’ve ever given anyone?

I gave my mother the gift of me, and I think that’s hard to beat. Geez, the more time I spend on this site the more narcissistic I become (and I low key love it 😂) - I wrote my dad a song once and choreographed a dance for his bday when I was about 10! Thought that was nice hehe 💙

My questions for you lovelies to answer (mwahahahahaha)!:

1. If you were a pair of shoes, what would you be?

2. Which planet in the solar system do you identify with most?

3. If you had a POP Vinyl made of you, what’s the one thing it would need to have?

4. You can only kill off one: Ted or Billy?

5. Steve & bat or Steve & dish towel?

6. Dad Steve or Mom Steve?

7. What’s your go-to karaoke song?

8. Favourite 80’s film?

9. What’s a really cheesy tv/movie/book trope that you love?

10. What food do you need when binge watching a TV show?

11. Steve and Dustin. Name a more iconic duo, I’ll wait.

BONUS:

12. And of course, it wouldn’t be an @BikingThroughHawkins questionnaire if it didn’t ask the most important question of all: WHAT IS YOUR ALL TIME FAVOURITE MEME?

WOOH! FINALLY FREEEEE! Haha - sorry you lovelies had to go through this list of useless and probably not that interesting material about moi! But I had fun and I hope you may have learned something! 😉 thanks again SO much to the lovely @maplestreet83 for tagging me! I don’t usually do these so I’m happy to have taken part! Thanks again my lovely!

I now tag the following noble blogs whom I deem the perfect candidates to tackle this questionnaire! (Sorry if you’ve already been tagged 😁 I just wanted ya to feel loved!)

@strangerwaffle @80smikewheeler

@itselhopper @m11ke-wheeler

@nancytheslutwheeler @mike-paladin

@strange-waffles11

@maxmayfield

@sincerely-millie

@lets-engage

@teenwolfexpert24

[doctor48md]

AKB48 49th Single Senbatsu Sousenkyo: Post-Mortem

Depending on who you ask, last night was either the best Sousenkyo in 48G history, or the worst, or in my case, a little bit of both. Starting from the atrocious beachside weather, down to the final speech in that concert hall in Okinawa, the events of the past 48 hours were so polarizing, that it made Dai Sokaku Matsuri 2014 look like a birthday party. This is the first time a 48G event has left me with so many more questions than answers. As much as I try to make sense of the numbers, I am still left in this state of confusion. But let’s try to see if we can find the order in this chaos.

1. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Look, you’ve proved your god damn point. Enough is enough. Stop kicking us when we’re already down.

The glaring futility of this battle was obvious from the very start. Admittedly, I came into this year’s Sousenkyo carrying the same hesitation I had after last year’s results. I already knew it was going to turn out this way, yet for some reason, there was this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe things could still be a little different this year. Just maybe, we would somehow be able to overcome the almost-10,000-vote lead Sashihara had on Mayu?

Of course, though, as with all lofty ambitions and unrealistic goals, this dream came crashing down around Mayu and her fans, after which the ruins caught fire and burned away into the ashes of oblivion.

Maybe I’m just projecting here, but you could see it in her eyes, even before she got up from her seat. The disappointment, the frustration, the exhaustion, and worst of all, the realization that no matter what she did, there was no way she would ever experience victory ever again as long as the immovable object that was Sashihara Rino existed.

And that’s when it came. I’ve seen my fair share of graduation announcements before, but this is the first time where I truly felt a sense of anguish behind it. Again, maybe I’m just projecting, but when the words came out of Mayu’s mouth, they felt… heavy. It felt like she was finally giving up, her spirit battered and broken after years of fighting this godforsaken battle.

Of course, we should also take a step back and look at what this means in the grander scheme of things. With Mayu now making her intentions known, the challenges that lie ahead for AKB48 are clear. Team B’s manpower crunch is a priority issue that needs to be settled quickly; the solutions are there already in the form of our Draft picks and Kenkyuuseis, they just need to be executed in a timely, efficient manner.

2. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over… oh

Speaking of insanity, we can’t forget the one moment that’s currently blowing up the Japanese Twittersphere. An idol? Getting married? While still in the group? Talk about absolute madness!

I’m personally of the opinion that there’s no true right or wrong way to deal with a scandal, but this one really takes the cake in terms of its potential fallout. Sutou Ririka really made one hell of a gamble last night. #20 UG position be damned; she had bigger things to worry about. Bunshun was loaded and ready to fire, but no way was she going to let them pull the trigger. Before the S-bomb could even be dropped, she detonated it prematurely, going nuclear with a shock announcement during her speech that threw the audience of members into absolute chaos. Admittedly, she left us more questions than answers, with a chain reaction across the group that left members, staff and fans bewildered, and even a few visibly pissed off seniors. No doubt NMB48 is currently locked-down in full damage control mode right now. We’re expecting a press conference within the next 24 to 48 hours to fully explain the situation, but until then, someone needs to go and prepare the popcorn machine.

3. Flight of the Ibis: The Rise of NGT48

Now for the more macroscopic phenomena. The entry of an entire legion of junior members from Niigata brought with it an interesting break from tradition: NGT48, despite this being only their second Sousenkyo, would end up securing just as many spots as their seniors in NMB48, and even securing a Kami7 position extremely early on in their lifespan.  Their overall rank share sports an impressive improvement of 11.25%, from 1 to 10, taking away positions from all the other sister groups in almost-equal proportions. That aside, though, the rest of the rank shares hold steady from before – AKB48 maintains plurality thanks to new entrants and promising juniors from Team 8 and their team of Kenkyuuseis, while both SKE48 and NMB48 focused their efforts more on pushing their existing rank-ins into higher positions across the board.

Back to NGT48, though; A shake-up in their hierarchy may very well be on the cards, considering how differently the management-back pushes performed in comparison to their peers. While Takakura and Nakai managed decent positions in the Undergirls tier, Kato fell way behind, only just managing to hold her position in the Upcoming Girls tier. In comparison, we have Row-2s like Ogino Yuka and Honma Hinata breaking into Senbatsu with vote leads numbering in the tens of thousands. One can’t help but wonder where this will leave the three frontliners in the months ahead.

4. AKB48’s Senbatsu Problem

For AKB48, however, despite securing a majority in overall rank share, their performance at the Senbatsu level leaves something to be desired. With only 4 native members in Senbatsu, being surpassed by SKE48’s 5, this is AKB48’s worst Senbatsu rank share of all time. The exit of several high-profile members from Sousenkyo this year (Kashiwagi, Shimazaki, Muto, Kojima H.) meant that we would be losing a huge share of votes in lieu of pushing in junior members at the lower tiers. Making matters worse, Mukaichi lost a whopping 12,000 votes to crash out into the Undergirls tier; while it’s still a Center position, some might wonder if this is an ominous sign for her career in the near future.

So what does this mean for AKB48? I had foreseen about two to three years ago that this would eventually become an issue sooner or later, so my personal opinion is that AKB48 should just ride it out. Juniors like Mukaichi, Okada, Takahashi J., Kato and Kawamoto have shown promise; they just need time to build up their fanbases to match those of their sister group seniors and peers. Maybe next year we’ll start to see more results on that front, but until then, resources still have to be invested into expanding their respective individual profiles.

5. The Sousenkyo Arms Race: Compressing the Curve

 Black bars denote drops in vote-for-rank, and white bars indicate increases.

With the year-on-year trend of voter swings towards the lower tiers, we see a further definition of pre-existing voting patterns this year. Votes-for-rank at the Next, Future and Upcoming Girls tiers continue to climb steadily, with correspondingly-significant increases in the vote requirements for those tiers. On the other hand, votes-for-rank at the Senbatsu and Undergirls tiers continue to drop significantly, reflective not only of the shift towards voting for junior members, but also the exit of all the big names at the top driving voters away from those tiers.

The overall result is a compression of the curve; it is becoming increasingly difficult to rank in in the first place, but for those who are already in the game, making your way up the ranks is becoming significantly easier given the decreasing vote-for-rank requirements at the higher tiers. Members and fans would do well to take note of this ongoing trend, should they wish to take advantage of it, or at least to be able to plan their voting strategies accordingly.

What now?

So, was this the best Sousenkyo in 48G history, or the worst, or even a little bit of both? You decide. The results seem to point towards a mixed picture: 48G’s juniors are certainly proving their worth and living up to their promises, but one can’t help but be worried at the direction we’re heading, especially when we consider the complicated situation our higher-tier members must face in the year ahead. Things will undoubtedly be difficult for 48G and its leaders. It is up to the members and Management to reassess their chances, and to do what is necessary to weather the storms ahead. The bad weather at Okinawa was merely the start of their problems.

As for me? I think I need a break. Starting tomorrow, 19 June 2017, I am placing this blog on indefinite hiatus. Between the exhausting, hectic work schedule of a house officer, I find that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do what I usually do on this blog. I’ll come back every few weeks to say hi, maybe make a post or two, and answer any asks that may come my way, but I doubt I’ll be able to put up lengthy essays like this anymore in the near future. No point continuing, since it seems like I’m talking to a wall everytime I do so anyway.

I deeply apologize to all my followers, old and new, (especially the few that joined over the past few days). I will keep this blog online, my ask box will remain open, and every post that I have ever put up will still be searchable via the appropriate tags. I just cannot guarantee that any new posts on this blog will be as in-depth or as content-driven as before.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 16th June 2019

Top 10

For the fifth week since its debut, Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber’s “I Don’t Care” stays at the #1 spot, not to be dethroned anytime soon... except Drake and Taylor Swift, as well as Sheeran’s other song down the charts, are all viable contenders so we’ll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X is also pretty steady at number-two.

“Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi isn’t moving either at number-three.

Speaking of not moving at all, “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy is also at number-four from last week.

Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” hasn’t moved from its space at number-five; seriously, whilst there a lot fo debuts this week, looking at the first half of this top 10 you’d be confused to why I’d consider it busy or even interesting.

We have got some traction with something in the top 10, however, with “Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi unfortunately being boosted up a single spot to number-six.

The release of the posthumous album TIM has lead the late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc up one spot to number-seven.

We actually have a top 10 debut this week, however, with “No Guidance” featuring Drake by... Chris Brown. Fantastic, we need more of him on the charts at number-eight. This is Brown’s 35th (!) Top 40 hit in the UK and 16th Top 10, and Drake’s forty-fricking-seventh UK Top 40 hit, which is insane, and only 17th Top 10 like Brown. Whether that’s due to general quality and talent or just latching onto what can be a hit and launching it into success by pure star-power without quality control or a need to think twice is up to your interpretation.

Ed Sheeran’s “Cross Me” featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock is surprisingly stable at number-nine, although the UK Singles Chart says on the mid-week that this could be making a run for #1.

Oh, and Jax Jones and Martin Solveig’s “All Day and Night” featuring Madison Beer is up a spot to #10. That EUROPA collaborative album still isn’t out yet, though.

Climbers

Sigala and Becky Hill’s “Wish You Well” makes a sudden boost up nine spaces to the top 20 at #15, becoming Sigala’s eighth Top 20 and Hill’s fourth. On the topic of EDM, MEDUZA and Goodboys’ “Piece of Your Heart” is “up” 11 spaces according to BBC’s awfully-made first-draft page they upload instead of a legitimate rundown of the top 40, but it’s actually had its streaming cut and is down 11 spaces from last week. “One Touch” by Jess Glynne and Jax Jones is up seven spots to #23, “Easier” by 5 Seconds of Summer is up seven to #27, as is “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike at #31, and “Sixteen” by Ellie Goulding is up six to #29, but it gets more interesting in the fallers.

Fallers

We see the aftermath of Skepta’s album bomb last week, with “What Do You Mean?” featuring J Hus also moving “up” 11 spaces down to #25, and “Greaze Mode” featuring Nafe Smallz down 10 spaces to #28. “OT Bop” by NSG is also down six spaces to #32, while otherwise not very notable, Miley Cyrus’ “Mother’s Daughter” is “diwn” two spots to #33. How professional. “Falling Like the Stars” by James Arthur and “Carry On” by Kygo and Rita Ora are down nine and six spaces respectively to #34 and #35. “Location” by Dave featuring Burna Boy has interestingly survived on the Top 40 despite streaming cuts as hip-hop doesn’t often do, down 24 spaces to #36, and yeah, that’s all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Moving to an unofficial chart-watching site for this one because clearly the BBC can’t be trusted, after its debut, last week “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #16. I’m pretty sure this is due to streaming cuts as well because it’s charted for 12 weeks outside the Top 40 and is an old song, so maybe it just went recurrent and dropped off so... “Grace” could return to #12. I know exactly what is happening and it’s kind of hilarious – Lewis Capaldi’s album is doing so well that the highest-performing songs are always on the chart, but since that can only be three, “Grace” and “Bruises” have been trading places for the last three weeks in the top 20. I think “Bruises” won’t be returning here though, because “Grace” has a lot more longevity although it has already peaked. We have a couple really sad drop-outs actually, as these are songs I pretty much loved that I feel are exiting prematurely, as “Summer Days” by Martin Garrix, Macklemore and Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy is out from #40 and “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Playboi Carti and Charlie Wilson is out from #37. “Talk” by Khalid out from #28 also hurts but that’s due to streaming cuts and it was in the top 10 for God knows how long so I’m fine with this. There are a LOT of drop-outs actually, wow, mostly from hits in the Spring that are making space for Summer hits, like “So Am I” by Ava Max from #35, “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey (We’ll be seeing more of him) and MoStack from #33, “Keisha & Becky” by Russ splash and Tion Wayne from #19, “What I Like About You” by Jonas Blue and Theresa Rex from #23, “Bullet from a Gun” by Skepta from #32 after the album’s hype died down and “Here with Me” by Marshmello and CHRVCHES from #20, all making way for... “Sucker” by Jonas Brothers to return at #40. That wasn’t worth it.

ALBUM BOMB

STACKO – MoStack

Yeah, I didn’t expect this but I should have been, I didn’t think MoStack was this big to have an album bomb, with two songs debuting in the Top 40 thanks to the release of his debut album debuting at #3 on the Albums Chart, entitled STACKO. I think I just under-estimated his success because I’ve never liked him to be honest, but his debut from last week, “Shine Girl” featuring Stormzy has grown on me quite a bit and I feel I quite like it now, so I guess my opinion reflects the public since it’s up two spaces to #13, surpassing Katy Perry. MoStack also has two debuts in the Top 40, one of which I’ve already heard because it had Dave on it and I love Dave so I had to check it out. The track listing for this album is basically a who’s who of the best guys from the British hip-hop roster, with Dave, J Hus, Stormzy and Fredo all making guest appearances, and I guess we should start with the lowest debut from the album...

#39 – “I’m the One” – MoStack featuring Fredo

Produced by Hazard and Steel Banglez

This is technically a “MoStack x Fredo” song but I don’t care, and it’s Stacko here’s fifth UK Top 40 hit, as well as Fredo’s fourth. You may recognise the name Fredo from chocolate confectionary in the shape of amphibians or his #1 hit with Dave, “Funky Friday”, from last year, which has grown on me a lot from my lukewarm initial review and it’d be pretty high on my list of the best UK hits from 2018. Despite this, Fredo is kind of boring? A lot of his work doesn’t rub off on me at all or just ends up being rather decent instead of being all that interesting despite it often showing a lot of skill and I liked his album Third Avenue quite enough. I doubt I’ll see more in Fredo when paired with MoStack, though, but this beat is something. I love the mellow keys with a distant vocal sample that’s eerie enough to contrast the funky, groovy keys that remind me pretty explicitly of the Wii Shop Channel... because of course, it does. The trap beat kicks in and the percussion drowns out all of the funk or groove it used to have and the shrill synths that come in during the verses where Fredo and Stacko trade bars are off-beat, I’m pretty sure. The content is the same as any other UK rap song, with Fredo being blunt and much more charismatic and intimidating than MoStack could try being, with his nasal voice and much less of the Auto-Tune but a lot more of his irritating inflections, repeating nonsense words in an accent that’s obviously put on in his second verse. Yeah, this could have been something as well, as the outro is pretty moody, pretty atmospheric especially with the lo-fi piano but I’m not a fan of the performances or even the percussion here. It’s mixed okay, I suppose, although I’d argue there’s not enough bass as there should be and that the rattling percussion is louder than everything else. As it is, like the best of MoStack’s music, it’s barely serviceable.

#19 – “Stinking Rich” – MoStack featuring Dave and J Hus

Produced by Ill Blu

When I first heard this, I remember actually being pretty disappointed, as Dave and MoStack have really impressed me with the song “No Words” back in 2017, which was one of my favourites of that year. This is Stacko’s seventh Top 40 hit, Dave’s eleventh and J Hus’s seventh, as well as Hus’ fourth Top 20, Dave’s eighth and MoStack’s fourth, and it really didn’t click with me at all, and it still hasn’t. MoStack is best playing to his strength, I feel, which is often just singing on Afroswing beats, to be honest and whilst I’m not that big of a fan of those songs they appeal to somebody, but I feel he’s clueless completely on hard trap beats. “Stinking Rich” is a massive example of that, as while this beat is okay, with gliding pianos typical of this genre playing pretty smoothly over a boring trap beat that reminds me very much so of “Options” by NSG, MoStack is... charismatic, I guess. He starts his verse off with, well...

All I want is more life and... more vagina

The way he delivers this is hilariously awful, and I’m finding a lot of UK hip-hop delivery to be similarly pretty comically blunt, but otherwise he’s just boring and often kind of pathetic. While I enjoy his break from the verse to croon his “Bang, bang” ad-libs, it’s clearly thrown him off as afterwards, he gets a lot louder and more angry and that leads to him being completely drowned out by the beat and the mixing means his furiously-delivered lines about council houses falls on deaf ears, and he’s slightly off-beat at times, or at least his flow is sloppily switched pretty frequently. I don’t know who’s singing the chorus, but whoever came up with the line “What’s your perfume? I said I’m stinking, stinking rich” is either a genius or a cornball, probably both, but with its overdone delivery it really sounds like a joke that falls flat in a stand-up routine, instead of a casual bragging punchline like it should have been. I don’t like to say this, but Dave’s verse just kind of sucks? His content is generic, and his wordplay, while at least being there in comparison to MoStack’s plain statements, is really freaking janky and while the rhyme scheme is impressive, rhyming “bust down” with itself and talking about how now he bought his girl a purse, these girls want to PURSue him doesn’t reflect well on his verse. I wouldn’t say it’s phoned in entirely, but when compared to J Hus’ verse, which is incredible especially with the way the beat builds up and elevates as his content starts with pretty mundane girl talk and ending with violent imagery about police and breaking a woman’s privates with his trigger-finger, which is disgusting in every possible way, before the chorus comes back for one last time, and you realise that J Hus probably should have put his verse on a better beat and a much better song. I like the trumpets at the end, I guess, but yeah, I had a lot to say about this song for some reason but that’s because I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, even though in the end it’s just mediocre. That’s all for the album bomb, and yikes, I don’t think I’ll be checking this album out at all, and I thought I’d give it a better chance, especially considering the features but I’ve heard them all now and I don’t think Stacko can handle that many solo tracks. I like “Shine Girl” though, that song’s pretty cute.

NEW ARRIVALS

#30 – “Strike a Pose” – Young T & Bugsey featuring Aitch

Produced by Toddla T

Young T & Bugsey are a British rap duo because I can’t escape that genre today (I’d only be complaining if it were the dull and samey variation, and trust me it is), and Aitch is some other dude. I’ve heard Young T & Bugsey on the charts before when they had that song “Ay Caramba” with Fredo, funnily enough, but otherwise they haven’t really had much chart impact. This is Aitch’s first hit too, I don’t even know who he is and I’m relatively in tune with British hip hop, even if I don’t like a lot of it. First of all, this song’s wavering 808 groove that starts the song is really funky and smooth, and its abrupt drop into Afroswing/dancehall-infused production with a couple buzzing synths creating some beautiful melodies in the background, sounding very 80s, is very effective because of how intimidating and menacing the song ends up sounding despite the singer’s smooth, double-tracked falsetto and the content being just about a woman dancing... Maybe this doesn’t actually work, but I don’t really care, because it’s only barely about a woman to be honest, as it’s mostly braggadocio from Young T & Bugsey, who have really charismatic voices, flowing quickly on the beat which they ride and really fit on to be honest, especially Bugsey’s more nasal tones. The chorus is incredibly catchy and while this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be big, I think I love this to be honest. The second verse sounds like he’s grinning for the whole time, and while the content is pretty disgusting and objectifying as always, it’s not like it’s being glamorised, I mean, can you hear this beat? It’s pretty dark and eerie, so I don’t think this is a celebration of the culture at all, with those pounding kicks and hypnotic 808s making this a lot more depressing than it sounds. This is a really interesting take on the faux-dancehall faux-grime fusion genre (That MIGHT be called Afroswing?) I see a lot on the charts, and is actually pretty good. This doesn’t exactly sound like a hit, though, but time will tell.

#26 – “Ladbroke Grove” – AJ Tracey

Produced by Conducta

I can’t seem to get a break, can I? This song has been bubbling below the Top 40 for a while, and has just now moved up to the Top 40, becoming AJ Tracey’s fifth hit in this region, thanks to its release as a single and a remix with Novelist. Now, Tracey is okay, and has never really given me all that much of an awful impression, although I have to admit he is kind of the poster child of a genre and style I’m not a fan of, even though I took a fondness to his performance on the awful “Fashion Week” and I liked “Butterflies” back when that debuted, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to me if I ended up liking this new song, and, well, I love it, I’m sorry. This is a perfect throwback to the urban dance music sounds of the 2000s, and I’ve heard a lot of deserved high praise for the song. It’s a genre called UK garage, specifically, which is closely related to grime, and that pitch-shifted, chopped-up Jorja Smith sample is inspired, despite perhaps sounding somewhat lazy. AJ Tracey is perfect over this beat, though, and instead of focusing on flexing or even women (Well...) he goes for a simple “DJ rock the set I rock the mic” topic that would be typical of MC’s who rap over music of this genre. The flow is rapid and fun over a bouncy instrumental, and to put it bluntly it’s an absolute tune. None of Tracey’s songs I’ve heard are the same genre, and I appreciate that, but honestly can he just stick to this? His verses are hooks in themselves, and are repeated incessantly because it’s UK garage and made for the clubs, and if they weren’t catchy I would be trashing it but this is so fun. His final verse, is especially powerful as it reflects what the chorus has been droning on about all this time, not specifically the topic but the tonal juxtaposition between her longing vocals and the beat, by mentioning cop cars and making it evident that this music is a form of expression against discrimination as dance music was and will be for people of colour... It’s not that deep, it just bangs. The remix is okay, as well, but yeah I’m impressed, Tracey. I’d like him to do more of this traditional, somewhat throwback UK garage and grime stuff like this and especially “Horror Flick” – that song’s even better, I really dig it and it feels oddly nostalgic.

#22 – “Shockwave” – Liam Gallagher

Produced by Greg Kurstin – Peaked at #1 in Scotland

In stark contrast, here’s everyone’s favourite “fat man in an anorak” (Noel’s words, not mine) Liam Gallagher, with his fifth UK Top 40 hit as a solo artist after the break-up from Oasis and later on Beady Eye. Now, Noel and Liam’s constant fall-outs and back-to-back disses have been victim to media ogling for decades now, but there’s one point I feel isn’t touched upon enough in terms of their solo work, and it’s that they both have essential components in each other that they now completely lack, and will forever sound like wasted potential. Liam has the very distinctive vocals and his aggressive attitude was often reflected in that powerful and often desperate, distant performance. Noel, on the other hand, could write coherent hit singles and can’t hold a note to save his life. Do you see where I’m going with this? In terms of solo work, Liam’s is what I prefer more often than not because he has more personality than Noel and his high-flying birds or whatever, although both of their discographies are hit-and-miss and honestly compiling it all would make the worst Oasis album, and that’s saying something considering their 2000s output. Is this new song any good then? Well, I don’t think it’s bad, but it’s definitely uninteresting. Liam sounds restrained, which is something I never want to hear him sounding like considering he’s at his best when he’s giving it his all. In fact, I hear some Auto-Tune on his incredibly safe vocal performance. In fact, everything here is safe, the guitar riffs are oddly familiar, the droning bass sounds like it’s an FL Studio loop, the drums are monotonous and the way the chorus “transitions” into the verses is janky and abrupt, once again showing how Liam’s songwriting isn’t great. The chorus isn’t even catchy and honestly, this has no grit or much passion at all. I’ve always preferred Blur, so maybe that’s my issue but even me, a Damon Albarn fangirl, could appreciate the best of Oasis back in their day, but no, this is really mediocre and kind of boring. Sorry.

#20 – “Heaven” – Avicii featuring uncredited vocals from Chris Martin of Coldplay

Produced by Avicii – Peaked at #2 in Sweden

I really hate this chorus, I absolutely despise it. It reeks, and honestly the fact that it was released is really despicable. I don’t hate posthumous music on principle, if it’s finished or the estate and/or person before their death has given the thumbs-up, it’s really none of my business, but when the music released is awful or has a severe case of tonal dissonance that is perfectly tuned and twisted to make it a hit song, that’s when it breaks me. This is from the late Tim Bergling’s “new” album TIM and all profits are going to charity, which is something I can congratulate it for mostly because I’m about to defend XXXTENTACION’s post-murder releases. When X spoke of death, it was never an extended metaphor in an otherwise lyrically upbeat track, it was very bluntly about death and was often on a melancholy, piano or guitar-lead ballad or bassy distorted SoundCloud trap beats. Whilst the profits didn’t go to charity and the painful attempt at fanservice by using the dumb stylisations he used in the song titles is evident of how the label cared more about preserving X’s quirky image and making him out to be a martyr to his fans than actually releasing finished, worthwhile music, at least the lyrical content wasn’t re-purposed. The twinkly lead synths are precious but then we get into the inspired EDM that sounds a lot like Avicii’s older stuff, and is actually pretty good. Then we get the uncredited Chris Martin feature, who also provides some guitar somewhere. Then he sings the hook in his typical lower register, “I think I just died and went to Heaven”... this song is about love. This song is not about Avicii’s death or him coming to a realisation of his own fading morality. This song is just about being in love with someone and having that initial spark in the relationship, but it’s obviously being marketed as the new hit single by getting the biggest guest star on the album, making it easily the most accessible track on the record and maybe I’m nitpicking, but the fact that it’s uncredited sucks too. Did Chris Martin not want to put his name on this cash-grab? I don’t blame him or Coldplay if that’s how he was going to be credited, because this is just a re-hash of drops I’ve heard from Avicii before with that infuriating, morally reprehensible chorus. This and “SOS” really reek of re-appropriating lyrical content to make it seem like it’s some kind of prophecy, but no, it isn’t, really. The fact that it’s Heaven as well, because we all know that he committed suicide using a broken WINE bottle and suffered severe alcohol- and drug-related addictions, meaning that no matter how good a person he could have been, he probably wouldn’t have gone to Heaven in the first place, if we’re theorising it existed. This is dreadful, and I’ve lost respect for everyone involved in this album, but in the end, it’s a cash-grab that’s for charity, so what am I to complain? Am I an awful person for thinking this is a morally unrighteous statement since its profits are going to a charity we should probably have a lot of faith in? God, and I thought Lil Dicky’s charity single was a can of worms. I’m not going to cover this on my end-of-year worst list because it is, once again, a can of worms, but this rubs me the wrong way, to say the least.

#18 – “Mad Love” – Mabel

Produced by Steve Mac

Yup, we’re not done. After ranting about MoStack’s album bomb and the immoral Avicii/Coldplay collaboration, as well as going on nostalgia-induced rambles about AJ Tracey’s UK garage throwback, we still have to cover two more songs out of our collection of eight, one of which is by Chris Brown. Delightful. Thankfully, I can skip past most of these songs since I don’t have much to say. This is the latest of about four lead singles from Mabel’s new album – by that I mean she’s released a mixtape, a deluxe re-issue of her mixtape and a Jax Jones feature that will all probably end up on the album, which will definitely have an album bomb since she only has one single on the charts right now. This is her sixth Top 40/20 hit, and for what it is, it’s pretty decent. I first heard it on 4Music (Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I have to do my, ahem, research on UK pop music) and it hasn’t clicked with me yet enough to consider it any good, but it’s definitely not bad. The 80s synth melody is simple and cute, somewhat 80s-like, but the painfully fake finger-snaps accentuating Mabel which are too loud in the mix, as are Mabel’s vocals to be honest, as she and her pitch-shifted counterpart are clipping into the synths when the chorus comes in at times. The lyrical content is just some primal, “I like you, let’s have sex” in a similarly self-centred way to how Young T & Bugsey are asking for it, but instead of sounding menacing, this is just a burst of joy, and the fact that the main hook is essentially a nonsense phrase just makes this all the more fun. Is it great? No, as I’ve said before the mixing is pretty bad and I’m not over-the-moon about his incredibly repetitious nature, but her vocals are well-delivered and the production is pretty bouncy, and that’s all you can really ask from a pop tune like this.

Oh, did you know Mabel is Neneh Cherry’s daughter? That surprised me too when I first saw it, but does explain her rise to fame.

#8 – “No Guidance” – Chris Brown featuring Drake

Produced by Vinylz, J-Louis, Noah “40” Shebib and Teddy Walton – Peaked at #7 in Canada and #9 in the US

Can I just skip this one entirely? I’ve done a lot this episode, I don’t need to finish it off with Chris Brown and Drake. There’ll be more of each in the coming weeks as well, just give me this one, guys. It’s their first single together in a while and their first since Drake squashed the beef late last year that started as early as 2012 over Rihanna and honestly I don’t think she wants either of them so I’m glad both of them have quit trying. A couple glass bottles were thrown, I don’t know, I don’t care. I try not to follow anything Chris Brown does because he just makes me angry more often than he shows any true talent. For what it’s worth, the song’s okay, I love the distant, drowned-out vocal sample with all the cloudy synths around it and 90s R&B soundfont that has been a lot more prominent in recent years. Drake sounds great, and sure, it’s pandering but it’s what Drake does, and has done for a while. His performance is good, but not as notable as how they build up Chris Brown like a space rocket coming down to Earth, but he has this phaser effect that really weakens his impact and Drake tries to put him to a halt with a subdued “Ayy” before he even lands. Brown actually doesn’t sound bad wailing on this, he kind of sounds like Kanye at times? This is way too long, though, I assume these guys wanted it to be 4:20 for the novelty but after the half-way mark not much is worthwhile other than the kind of empty but still pretty heated rap verse from Drake, with falsetto ad-libs, pounding 808s and hilarious use of Chris Brown vocal samples as a shrill, gliding synth. This isn’t bad, which is surprising considering it’s Chris Brown featuring Drake, but it’s not even close to good either. Just passable.

Conclusion

I’d feel awful giving the Worst of the Week to a dead man... so it’s going to Coldplay for “Heaven”, with Dishonourable Mention unfortunately going to Liam Gallagher for “Shockwave”, yeah, MoStack is saved by Fredo and J Hus here from getting any mention in this conclusion. Best of the Week should be obvious, it’s going to “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey but an Honourable Mention should be going to, to my surprise, Young T, Bugsey and Aitch for “Strike a Pose”. For more pop music ramblings follow my Twitter @cactusinthebank and I’ll see you next week!

[celebritylive]

Justin Bieber is opening up about his early fame and the negative effect it had on his life.

The “Sorry” singer shared a lengthy post on Instagram Monday, where he reflected on how achieving fame at age 13, growing up in an unstable home, and having “access to whatever I wanted” led him to struggle both physically and mentally later in life.

In the candid post, Bieber, 25, also revealed that the unmanageable “ups and downs” from being an entertainer caused him to start relying on “heavy drugs” by age 19. The star said he “abused all of relationships” and was being “disrespectful to women.”

“I became resentful… and angry,” he wrote. “I became distant to everyone who loved me, and I was hiding behind, a shell of a person that I had become. I felt like I could never turn it around.”

“You see, I didn’t grow up in a stable home, my parents were 18 separated with no money, still young and rebellious, as well,” he explained. “As my talent progressed and I became ultra-successful, it happened within a strand of two years. My whole world was flipped on its head.”

View this post on Instagram

Hope you find time to read this it’s from my heart

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Sep 2, 2019 at 2:38pm PDT

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RELATED: Justin Bieber’s Mental Health Struggles: ‘He’s Addressing the Things He Needs to Address’ Says Source

The singer, who has been candid about his mental health struggles, explained how from the time he was a teen, he was constantly reminded of how great he was — something that Bieber credited to his downward spiral.

“I went from a 13-year-old boy from a small town to being praised left and right by the world, with millions saying how much they loved me and how great I was,” he shared. “You hear these things enough as a young boy and you actually start believing it.”

Bieber said the fame was also detrimental to his personal growth, as he never learned the true meaning of responsibility and was never able to develop skills beyond his music career.

“Everyone did everything for me, so I never even learned the fundamentals of responsibility,” he explained. “By this point, I was 18 with no skills in the real world, with millions of dollars and access to whatever I wanted.”

“This is a very scary concept for anyone,” Bieber continued. “By 20, I made every bad decision you could have thought of and went from one of the most loved and adored people in the world to the most ridiculed, judged, and hated person in the world.”

RELATED: Justin Bieber Cries During Emotional Church Performance: ‘God Is Pulling Me Through a Hard Season’

Despite the problems he faced, Bieber said he found comfort and support in a group of people, including his wife Hailey Baldwin, who “encourage him to keep going.”

The star has also recently sought professional treatment, a source told PEOPLE.

“You see, I have a lot of money, clothes, cars, accolades, achievements, awards, and I was still unfulfilled,” he admitted. “It’s taken me years to bounce back from all of these terrible decisions, fix broken relationships, and change relationship habits.”

“Luckily, God blessed me with extraordinary people who love me for me,” he added, before speaking to how his marriage to Baldwin, 22, has helped him move forward.

“Now I am navigating the best season of my life ‘MARRIAGE’ !! Which is an amazing, crazy, new responsibility,” he shared. “You learn patience, trust, commitment, kindness, humility, and all of the things it looks like to be a good man.”

“All this to say even when the odds are against you, keep fighting. Jesus loves you,” Bieber finished. “Be kind today, be bold today and love people today, not by your standards but by God’s perfect unfailing love.”

RELATED: Justin Bieber Reveals He’s ‘Struggling a Lot’ as Source Calls Candid Post a ‘Big Step’

Earlier this year, Bieber revealed he had been “struggling a lot” in a candid Instagram post. A source also confirmed to PEOPLE at the time that depression was among the mental health disorders he deals with.

“For the first time in a long time, he is really addressing the things he needs to address,” said the source. “And just because he’s not standing on the mountaintop saying, ‘I take this specific medication’ doesn’t mean that he isn’t thoughtfully figuring things out.”

Since then, Bieber has heavily relied on Baldwin, 22, whom he married in a secret courthouse ceremony last fall, and the pair even put their wedding plans on indefinite hold while they work through the pop star’s struggles.

“Justin has an incredible support system,” the source said. “Hailey is his biggest supporter. She is there for him in a way that you wouldn’t expect from a newlywed. She understands him deeply, and is 100 percent ready to help him. He realizes how blessed he is to have her.”

RELATED: Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin ‘Very Excited’ for September Wedding Party: ‘They’re Very Happy’

It appears things haven’t changed since, as Bieber’s most recent post praising his wife comes just a few days after he delivered an emotional performance of a gospel song during a church service at Churchome in Beverly Hills.

Following the performance, Bieber reflected on the experience and thanked Baldwin for her unwavering support.

“Sang at church last night. God is pulling me through a hard season,” Bieber wrote in the caption of an Instagram video posted last Thursday. “Having trust in Jesus at your worst times is the absolute hardest. But he is faithful to complete what he started.”

“I also want to thank my wife for being such a huge support in my life through this season.. it says in the bible count it ALL JOY when you face trials of various kinds,” he went on. “Sounds insane considering when u face trials u feel terrible.”

“But if we are grateful and worship God for what we do have in that season there is so much power in that… whatever pain you are going through just keep telling yourself THIS WON’T LAST! Love you guys we in this together,” Bieber added.

The pair are currently planning a religious wedding ceremony next month in front of their friends and family, a Bieber source confirmed to PEOPLE in August.

from PEOPLE.com https://ift.tt/2PMb7js

[amrinobambino-blog]

Mothers & Daughters

The countless times I have thought about scrapping this blog entirely versus posting and sharing is insane. This is slightly different to what I've written about before but I feel like we get so caught up in the wedding preparation and excitement we often forget about the journey we are about to embark upon, So I wanted to change things up a little and make it more real and raw.

it's time for reflection.. So the Wedding is done and married life begins!

6 months in and the toughest 6 months of  my life. Hold up Hold up let's not get ahead of ourselves here and make assumptions about my marriage. This post is purely about my feelings of leaving Home and entering the new chapter in my life.

Leaving Home was never something I prepared myself on nor even thought about during my wedding prep. As stupid as it sounds I was pretty naive about it all and so caught up in wedding planning I totally forgot to stop step back and think about what I was actually stepping out of and into.

I mean I guess I always knew that leaving home would be hard because it's Home and all I've ever known for the last 25 years. But also because of the codependent relationships I share with my family. You could say I was a pretty sheltered individual living with parents, had a curfew didn't live out for university. The eldest in my family and the only girl on my dad's side of the family. Every memory I have of my childhood sits in those four walls.. Three generations have been brought up in this home its sacred.

So naturally this was going to be hard but I was somewhat prepared as a Indian girl the thought of moving out of your parents home after marriage was normal and though it would be hard it would eventually become my new normal but justify normal and take into consideration adjustment. I was taken by complete surprise.

So let's go all the way back to the very beginning, my relationship with my Mum was just like any other Mother and daughter relationship. I was quite rebellious and argumentative still am! I always felt as if she never understood me just like every kid at that age - i suppose

But it wasn't until my early teens when things started to take a turn. I began to understand my Mum so much more, we connected on another level and I soon realised that as much as I relied on her she also relied on me.

My mum married at 18 and had me the first child at 19. Pretty much the traditional punjabi wedding back in the 90's. You marry a complete stranger you know nothing about- you move in with your in laws and learn to adapt their way of living and finally you have your children. Your given no choice and handed all the responsibilities of a daughter in law, sister in law, housemaker etc.. and all this at the age of 19.

My parents were strict we lived with our grandparents and decisions were made for you. My mum was the more relaxed of the two but growing up she had her own martial issues and in law trouble and so had put expectations and duties on her own shoulders to carry our this strict parent role but at heart was always the more lenient one. Dad on the other hand was super strict and was the traditional controlling male- not much has changed there.

It's fair to say that My mum has had her fair share of struggles but despite this she is a surviour and even with all the lows and hardships she's faced in her childhood and marriage she continues to hold a positive nature. That massive smile on her face with those comforting warm brown eyes will never disappear.

A couple of years ago my Mum lost both of her parents and the stress and shit storm of everything else going on in my family took a massive toll on her. I noticed a massive difference and drop in her attitude and positivity. Maybe I was older so I took more notice of it. I noticed a more vulnerable side to her and so naturally I automatically adopted this confidant role.. I wanted to step up as her protector and because I never expected much from my dad I wanted her to never feel alone. So I guess we got closer and the bond grew stronger and so I guess you could say the rest was history.

OK OK enough of the heavy! My Mum began to confide in me so at the back of my mind although i dreamt of this big wedding and supposedly the happiest day of my life there was always a hint of sadness that would creep over me which would be a reminder of leaving home. But I would throw it away and distract myself with wedding planning.

I specifically remember one day when I was packing my suitcases before the wedding and coming home from work and my mum had been organising my belongings. I remember immediately overreacting and lashing out at her for packing up my things and shouting at her directing my anger and frustration of the situation on her. I break down and I burst into tears she consoles me and I cry and then put on that fake brave face.

I look back at my dholi now i remember sitting on the chairs in my front room being watched by family and friends and the family go about the usual punjabi dholi traditions. I remember zoning out and hear distant chatter and mumbling but not making out anything it’s foggy and unclear and I’m surrounded by my thoughts and the sound of my heart beating fast. I’m thinking to myself why am I not crying?! The dholi is supposed to be emotional so why am I not crying?!

I am told to get up by my Mum as my mum hands me the bowl of rice and I take a handful, Still completely bewildered I am looking down at the floor and am suddenly hit by this massive wave of emotions. I feel a tear drop down my cheek I drop my face further down as if I am embarrassed to express my emotions in a room filled with strangers. I start to analyse the situation why am I crying there's no need I'm moving 20'minutes away I'll see my parents all the time. This can't be the reason? Oh but wait this is no longer my home?! My tears won't stop they continue to roll off my face down my neck and onto the handcrafted silk top.

I take a step towards the door into the hallway and am now fully aware that these are my last steps in my home as the daughter who grew up here as a person who lives in this home. I walk past those green coloured wallpapered walls that me and my brother would mischievously draw on and my lengha brushes off the navy carpet with the Indian floral print. I am now noticing the little details of my childhood home and everything looks different. I’m walking past the family photo that hangs in the stairwell I see my coat hanging on the coat hangers by the door that I hung there yesterday as a person who lived in this house.

This is My home! Why am I leaving my home?! I feel like I'm outside of my body and standing behind my body watching me taking this final steps. I feel like a stranger in my home for the first time. I could have never anticipated such a feeling so un-real but truly raw. The air was different the atmosphere was silent.

I sat in the car and said my goodbyes tears falling down my face, trying hard to catch my breath I take a last look before the car moves forward at my mum and all I see is her sore eyes filled with tears, her emotions were transparent I could feel every emotion she felt our mind and bodies were in sync.

As the car pulls away from outside the house I don’t look back but close my eyes and wipe away the black tears and see the image my Mum and Dad. My mums head on dad’s shoulder they have were both sad but they looked comforted. I almost read a different body language from my dad it was almost as if he was speaking with his body language that he was there for Mum and that I wouldn't need to worry. Did he finally step into the shoes of the comforter and protector for her?

The car is half way down the road and the sun is orange its bright lighting up the street it's beautiful but somethings different the road doesn’t feel like mine it’s strange and weird. I’m lost, unsettled and uncomfortable and this was pretty much life for the first 6 months.

The first year is the toughest I totally get it now! but did not understand what that actually meant until I experienced it for myself.

I feel like I can look now look back at the last year and half and tell myself that everyone was right it does get better and you do adjust. But if I could change something I would have prepared myself if I could have. But why is this part of the story never told especially in the Indian community where it’s common to move out after marriage and join another?! But maybe this was my journey for a reason I’m stronger and have a different perspective and different kind of respect for all the women that have gotten married and left their homes to join a new one and those that don’t get to see their parents as often as I

Life changed but it changed for the better. We can’t see our reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.... it took me a year and half to look back and heal.

[everyone-is-lovelyy]

1. If you had to choose, whiskey or tequila? Why? Whiskey. I feel like you grow out of tequilla haha unless you drink it ironically. I’m no expert at whiskey but I like it sometimes, esp during winter  2. While doing school work, do you take your time or do you try to get it done as quickly as possible? I prefer to take time because the quality of my work is much better then and I feel like I am actually enveloped in what I am learning or writing about. Usually during intense exam periods I find myself rushing to finish but it ends up being quite counterproductive 3. When did you last wear a scrunchi? Right now!  4. If you were a writer, what would you write about most? Creative non-fiction I think, I love that genre so much. But I think I’d enjoy writing children’s books too, I’ve always loved them so much. I like critiques and reviews a lot too, it’s such a great form for writing and I love reading that kind of stuff in the mornings. Academic texts are pretty amazing too if you find topics that interest you, they usually end up blowing your mind. Looking at your Haraway.

5. Do you sometimes yell to get your point across? Not unless I’m fighting with someone in which case I get riled up. 

6. If you get a period, what symptoms do you get when you PMS? I get the usual stomach bloating and desire to devour everything IN SIGHT. My physical PMS pains are kept somewhat under control thanks to the birth control I take. However, emotionally I am a mess. 7. Is there anyone at your school with a cool accent? What kind of accent is it? Belgrade is not too diverse so most of us have a similar accent.  8. What is stressing you out most right now? Today is actually the first day in many a days that nothing is really stressing me out too much. Like I am feeling things and they are not all necessarily positive emotions but no stress. 9. Are you more smart and thoughtful or understanding and kind? Oof I really do not know. I think I am more so understanding and kind? I’m not the most thoughtful person but I think I’ve gotten to be a lot smarter in regards to this lately. 10. Who last asked you for a favor? What was it? My mom, to buy her some stuff from the pharmacy. 11. If you had to decide, what do you think people envy about you? Probably my privilege in regards to how I’ve grown up and the opportunities I’ve had, who my father is. I don’t what else, I don’t see myself that way so it makes me really uncomfortable to even think about this haha 12. If you want to get your crush’s attention, what do you do? I...don’t know? Just speak to them I suppose? Try to get to know them? I really don’t know, is there a strategy to this? 13. How long have you been single or in a relationship for? In a relationship for a year and 3 months almost 14. Are you closer to your friends or family? I think it’s a fair balance since I am really close to both

15. Do you know what you’re going to wear tomorrow? No idea, probably something similar to today haha. It depends on what I end up doing

16. Do you use white strips or anything else to whiten your teeth? Nope. 17. Are there any special events coming up? What are they? Nothing really specifically special, just nice everyday life things :3 18. When it comes to strangers, how trusting are you? Not at all trusting, it takes me months to trust friends or partners. Let alone randoms. I am always a bit on the lookout for getting hurt or manipulated. 19. If someone insults/makes fun of you, what do you do?  Use my terrifying sarcasm to slowly but surely destroy their lives. HAH 20. What color do you think represents your personality? something like a pastel blue ranging to a dark blue or a bright, deep red 21. Would you rather drive on a long straight highway or windy backroads? Windy backroads always! 23. What is the fastest you’ve ever gone in a car? Not too fast because my driving is a JOKE.  24. Have you ever seen someone break their bone in real life? No, sounds terrifying though. I have never broken a bone or had any sort of severe injury in that regard so I can’t even imagine 25. If you got to choose an animal to disappear forever, what would it be? Why? Uh, the one in the white house. <– agreed! <--- Absolutely, claps to this kween <3 26. What are the keys of your heart? Animals, laughing, cups of coffee and reading, writing something not shit, love, love, love. 27. Are you sometimes a control freak? If one can be a control freak while also simultaneously letting their life spiral out of control well then that’s yours truly. 28. If you’re online right now, do you have an away message up? What does it say? Yes HAHA it says “Right?? How fragile can your ego be my boy?? Sit yo ass down” HAHAHAHA 29. Do you know what your GPA is? Currently bordering on 9/10 but I still have 3 more exams left! 30. If you got to pick any winter sport to excel at, what would it be?  Skiing! I loved it so much when I tried but it’s so expensive to organize skiing trips. But I would really love to get better at it 31. Does it piss you off when people interrupt you? Yeah, it really frustrates me. I don’t mind heated conversations or debates where people speak over others, that’s fine, but when someone adamantly ignores you using your voice, I go nuts. 

32. What event did you last dress up for? Who went to that event? 
 Going out last Friday night. I mean “dress up”, I just wore new heels I bought. Peca and I, it turned out to be a shit night but oh well.

33. What was the last picture you took with your phone? My mom sitting under a bunch of beautiful trees at kalemegdan

34. Are you a fashion-conscious person? Where do you buy most of your clothes? Somewhat! I love clothes although my style is actually very simple but I love it that way. I adore Zara, I am honestly adorned in Zara head to toe usually. And then I’ll pick up random things wherever I find them. I love Supergas and desperately want a new pair soon! And I like finding old sunglasses in local vintage shops and such 35. Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? What gets you up and awake? Nah, not really. It takes me a little while because I like laying in bed, scrolling through social media (sigh) and esp listening to podcasts in the morning. But is all good :)

36. What’s something fun you’ve done this week? Who was there? 
 Well it’s only Monday but today was fun. Just getting to this cafe early before my friends came, reading this local paper called LiceUlice which I love and it was a lovely day and leaves were falling from the trees but it was warm. Yeah, pretty ordinary but it was fun.

37. What’s the last thing you texted someone about? Planning with Petar what we want to make for dinner tonight :)

38. When and why did you last blush? 
 I’m not sure.

39. Do you currently have a favorite song? What is it? 
 Dusty Springfield - Son of a Preacher Man and Paul Martin - Le troublant temoignage de paul martin

40. What is one thing you and your best friend have in common physically? 
We currently both have blonde hair? We honestly look so different physically so not much

41. Now based on your interests, what is one thing you both have in common? Political opinions, we both love terrible reality tv and rom-coms and she loves mystery novels which I am getting into now too!

42. What, if anything, is hanging on your refrigerator? 
 A sushi menu, a photo of me that my sister took, a bunch of magnets.

43. What is the last illegal thing you did, even the smallest crime? Probably smoking weed in the street? And crossing the street on a red light

44. How much did each individual thing you’re wearing cost? Not too much really, my shirt was on sale for 10 euro and I got my culottes for like 20 and my necklace was a cheap find at H&M

45. Is that the normal amount you spend on clothes? Yeah, it’s standard I’d say

46. Do you collect anything? Have you ever? Stones and seashells! I like postcards as well and mugs or coffee cups from places I travel.

47. What languages do you speak? 
 English and Serbian, a bit of Greek but it’s pretty bad (I can understand more so than I can speak) and a wee bit of Italian

50. Where do your grandparents live? All my grandparents have passed away. Wow. That’s really sad to think about actually.

51. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Where to? I am going to Holland middle of November! SHOOK-ETH. To the Hague and to Amsterdam for a little little bit if we manage to organize ourselves :D

52. How well do you do in school? How are your grades compared to your siblings? I am a pretty good student at uni, I mean I try hard. And I could have done a lot better too if my attendance wasn’t so shit but oh well, YOUTH. My sister was good at university too so I’d say we are about the same. 53. Does your family eat dinner together? Who does the cooking? 
 Not really but we eat lunch together sometimes! So that’s nice. My mom usually but sometimes my dad orders in some lovely food

54. Are you usually motivated to work or are you a procrastinator?
 Mostly motivated unless I’m going through a bad phase

55. Has the last month been really stressful for you? Yeah even though I technically haven’t had any obligations but I think that’s what has been stressful for me. It’s insane for the first time since kindergarten having this open space ahead of you without any rules or structure. It’s starting to feel liberating rn but was awful the past few weeks. 

56. What do you base first impressions on? (Behavior, clothing, etc.)
 Sadly I do base some of it on clothing and such. Not as a judgement, just that I think that style and such reflects character. But also just the way someone speaks and to what degree they are open, I have a good intuition about that sort of stuff

57. Who do you know that is a vegetarian? How about a vegan? 
 A few people and a ton of my mom’s friends are vegan, effing yogis I love them.

58. When is the last time you went out to dinner with a friend? Where did you go? Who paid?
 Umm peca and I got wok (this thai place) last Saturday. Does that count? We split.  59. What was the last thing to surprise you? Hmm my mama bought me flowers today. Which was surprising because we got into a nasty fight the other day and haven’t really discussed it yet. But yeah, it warmed my heart a little bit.