#steaming lifts the fibres instead of flattening them

[areyouwho-ithinkyouare]

if my bank doesn’t contact me about abnormal payments from my account over the last two days i will be SHOCKED

[castawxayaway]

fall apart: two

this is part two- part one / collection of my writing

thank you to those who wanted a second part, I’m sure this will make you smile (internally or externally idm)

Fidgeting in my seat I try to block out his music that thumps through the walls as pens on my desk vibrate along with the beat. The pile of papers is close to nothing now and all that’s left is the final segment and then I’m done. Well, until editing, but that won’t be until at least next week. 

The growing temptation to pick up my phone as it lingers in the background on my bed, itching for me to grab it and just tell everyone that I am almost done. But mainly to tell him, and thank him more than anyone else. Not that he’d really get it, he’d just congratulate me, and maybe join me for another cuppa later on as everyone gets ready to go out and celebrate the end of another term whilst I remain in my room, working through. 

Maybe we could have another movie night, or cook together like last week. I smile to myself as I see flour covering his then flattened hair and a bright smile on his face as he sought revenge. A simple bolognese and crumble took an additional two hours due to the dance break I insisted we take and misreading the recipe, twice. 

I lean back in my chair, distancing myself from the last thousand words. So close, yet so far. My eyes slowly glance to my bed, my phone perfectly resting on top of my duvet waving at me. The screen remains dark, but part of me knows there must be a notification, or someone tweeting or a Snapchat, just something to allow me to distract myself and for it to be partially acceptable.

“Just, get this done and then, then you can go on your phone.” My attempts at self-motivation are far from inspiring as my thoughts turn against me. “But what if he’s messaged me?” Any motivation has walked out of my door as I reach over for my phone, checking just in case he has messaged me. 

The screen lights up, but all I’m presented with is my phone background and the time. It remains void of anything interesting besides the minutes slowly going by whilst I attempt to procrastinate. 

Sighing loudly I force myself off of my chair and slid my slippers on and open my creaking door. As it shuts behind me my slippers shuffle along the wooden floorboards, with each room I pass a different sound is heard. Music in one, silence in another, a hairdryer followed by laughter. I push the kitchen door and walk straight to the kettle, clicking the button until it is illuminated and begins to rumble like a storm.  

With my slippers and the kettle being the only audible sounds I sit at the table, staring blankly at my phone hoping something would appear to distract me. Yet no one is active, I glance out the window to the streets below and I see few pass laughing or shuffling together with bottles in their hands. Some wave at drivers who beep at them, others dance in the silence of crossings. The kettle clicks and steam clings to the tiles as I pull it away, pouring it into a grey mug dotted with white stars. 

I watch as the liquid darkens, brown swirls into new shades as I pour the milk in and zone out as it sinks and rises like he did when we went to that water park. He rushed down the slide after I remained hesitant, and he remained under the water longer than I expected before he burst out, arms flailing and face covered with his own hair. Laughter echoes the ghostly silence as I pick the mug up, careful to not burn my fingertips as I head back to motivate myself.

*

One more sentence, five hours later. I click save multiple times and take photos of it all, especially after last time in the library. Since then, he has made more effort to join me. He doesn’t act as if he’s on a pedestal anymore, he likes to say that I grounded him a bit more, and that- 

He’s grateful to have a friend like me. 

A friend. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I reach into my pocket and unlock my phone, a single notification slides from my phone and I pick up my tea. I spit the liquid back into the cup as the warmth I craved has turned cold, just like my fingertips after typing for too long. Outside the sky has turned the lights off entirely, I missed the sunset in favour of my own vague meaningless writing. 

Clicking the message I can’t prevent the smile that forms on my face. Hope you finish it soon, pretty bored up here and wondered if you’re down for a film? Part of me didn’t care that it was such a mundane idea, I cared more about the thought behind it. 

I send a reply of my finished screen and pick up my key before heading out of my room and down the silent corridor with my slippers indicating it’s me as I shut the front door behind me. Shuffling along I walk through the double doors and out to the lift where the smell of weed and alcohol lingers in the air. It’s obvious everyone’s almost done with the year, the silence that floated through the corridors and flats in the building have mostly been demolished by the mess left everywhere and the 3am cheers or chants through the lift shaft. 

Patiently I wait in front of the metal doors, something I am frequently doing to go to his or leave. As the doors open I’m greeted by my less than presentable reflection. My hair, recently untied from my face is out of control likewise is my sense of style. I’m wearing my fake pyjamas, ones that resemble the style and all the comfort of actual pyjamas but are viewed as socially acceptable to be seen in. 

Looking at my reflection I ponder momentarily as the lift rises, is this why he doesn’t like me like that? Because I never look the part? The thought is broken as the lift opens, except I’m not on the right floor. Instead, two guys walk in, eyes wide and odour spreading like a wildfire into the confined space.

“Hey, babe.” One slurred into my hair as I leant closer to the mirror, trying to avoid their gaze as I focused on the growing mess on the floor. My mind shut down, the attempts at self-reassurance but instead has shrugged its shoulders and abandoned ship. 

Suddenly icy fingertips are under my chin, forcing my head to face them causing identical smirks to form on their faces. I try to resist the watering in my eyes as I shrug my head away, but the other moves closer cornering me. “Why so frigid?” The other one laughs whilst grabby heavily eyes me up and down. 

The lift doors slide open and the conversation outside diminishes. I try to force my way out and share a glance with the group going in who wear naivety heavy in their eyes. “See you later gorgeous!” A shiver spreads down my spine and his words crawl under my skin, festering the disgust. 

I begin to walk past the various flats towards his but with each step, I become slower. My breathing starts to take longer, it’s weighing me down. Leaning against a wall I try to catch my breath, but my body refuses to allow it. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I can feel them under my skin, their words and stench have weaved into the fibres of my clothes and tangled themselves in my hair. 

My slippers drag my legs across the ridged carpet as if it were thick snow. Weakly I knock on his front door, tears spilling over my eyes now as I try to compose myself but it’s no use. “Hey,” Lifting my head I’m met by one of his flatmates, a concered look crosses his face, but he simply holds the door open for me. “Dan’s in his room.” 

A thank you leaves my lips, but I know it’s barely audible. I hear the door close behind me and another open as he passes me without another word to his own room whilst I try to pull myself together. Sighing too loudly I knock with more care, with my usual joyous knock but it’s no use. This time it is completely lifeless. 

His door opens and I hear him begin to say something, but he stops. I slowly lift my head to see his expression, and my heart sinks into my stomach only hanging together by a thread. His mouth is ajar, unsure what to say as he stands in his fluffy dressing gown and glasses on. “What-” Before he had the chance to finish I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, burying my head out of sight as tears dissolve into the black fabric. 

Hesitation radiates off him as his hands slowly relax on my back, tightening his hold on me as his door closes and his music plays quietly from his laptop. Pulling away I step back, wiping my nose with my sleeve and laughing at my state. Rather than question he walks over to his bed, patting the spot next to him as he gets his laptop and puts Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on. I feel myself curl into him as he lifts his arm up. 

Yet as the fim starts all I can feel is those guys intentions, or their ideas on my skin. I can’t stop the trembling of my jaw and the sniffs anymore. Dan immediately pauses the film and glances down to me, not convinced without an explanation. “Somethings up. Less than an hour ago you were fine when we spoke.” He began to rub cirles on my right arm as I remained comfortable in his arm. “You can tell me, there’s no rush okay. You’re always safe here.” 

With a shaky breath I begin to explain the short incidence. How the two guys cornered me, and I wasn’t sure if they were just joking or if they had serious intentions behind it. As I continued to explain his grip on my arm tightened likewise did his jaw. By the time I finished I was curled tightly in a ball, feeling more comfortable as he held me and my legs were across his. “Dan?” He remained silent, eyes focused on his door. 

“If I ever find them, I swear.” He begins to say, in aln all too serious tone. 

Before he can continue a snigger escapes my lips, and he glances down, one brow raised. “I’m sorry, I just can’t take that seriously.” He feigns hurt before revealing that smile I know and lo- like. 

He mutters my name, making me pay attention to him again. His blue eyes reflect the sweetness I needed in this moment, that I craved as his hand rubs up and down my arm. “I won’t let anything hapen to you, and I know you wouldn’t either.” He begins and I roll my eyes. “No, you are. You’re strong, funny, incredibly thoughtful and managed to bring me out of my obnoxious shell.” 

I smile at his words, the kindess that laces his voice. “You’ve never said that before.” I mutter under my breath, but his movement alerts me he heard. 

“I should’ve sooner. You are you, no shame. And, and I like it a lot.” My cheeks turn the colour of the blossom that decorates my trousers, and my reactions causes a defeaning silence to replace the lighthearted atmosphere. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” His arm begins to loosen around me, that shy phsyic returning after years. 

Sitting upright the words refuse to form, and he avoids my pleading glance that reveals the truth. Unsure what else to do I hold his hand in mine, he turns his head and I stroke his cheek, leaning forward slowly. He reacts in the same manner, moving closer until his eyes are in direct line with his. I search the blue depth for any uncertainty, but there’s none. The outer corners of his eyes rise and I shut mine, letting it happen. 

As I pull away we both chuckle quietly. “I like you a lot too. Thank you, Dan.” I whisper as I settle back in his arms and relax. He reaches forward to turn the film back on and softly kisses my forehead. 

It didn’t matter about the noise and celebrations surrounding us, we remained comfortable in this little space. For once, not falling apart.