#stede: why does frenchie call you babe?

[jellybeanium124]

Frenchie calling Olu “babe” is so cute actually. I hope he calls everyone babe. He calls Kraken!Ed “babe” on accident and thinks it’s the end of him, but of course Ed is starved for connection and lets it happen

[marionthegeek]

Stede is in the Gravy Basket, Izzy is Alive

The season 2 finale of Our Flag Means Death is odd.  It hits weird. I think I know why. And this is going to sound bananas, but give me a chance to explain.  Maybe you’ll agree.

It has a huge tonal shift. It seems to speedrun Stede and Ed’s romance. It feels like we’ve missed out on something from the end of episode 7.  The fight scenes and pirate plans are nonsensical, even for OFMD. And most egregiously, a prominent character is killed off in a way that feels disingenuous to his story arc, just for starters.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  We need to go back to the beginning of season 2.  The season opens with Stede looking more piratey than ever. Beard, sash, earring… oh he’s his own fantasy of a real proper pirate.  He’s clashing swords with Izzy Hands and demanding to know where Ed is. He’s dreaming. In the dream he kills Izzy. He and Ed run into each other’s arms while screaming each other’s names. They crash into the surf. Ed says “I knew you’d find me, Babe.  I knew you’d find me, Love.” Stede keeps asking if they’re good. Ed dodges the question. Then Ed asked about the smell. Stede wakes up in a crowded room with farting and shushing roommates.

At first I thought the finale was supposed to be just a “satisfying” mirror to Stede’s dream. Stede and Ed call each other’s names and run into each other’s arms in a display that resembles a more grown up version of Stede’s dream fantasy. There’s some wild sword fighting not unlike Stede’s dream duel with Izzy. And Izzy dies.

It does mirror, but I didn’t find it satisfying. All of the characters except Stede feel flattened. Stede gets to make the heroic plan (that we never even hear) while there’s at least five pirates with better skill sets for it in the room. Ed, as Blackbeard, was described last season as “History’s greatest tactician”; Zheng Yi Sao conquered China; Jackie just took out a room full of British soldiers. Izzy and Auntie are right there. You could make arguments that Jim or Frenchie, or pretty much anyone could make a better plan. Then Stede says “It’s only suicide if we die,” which is horrible considering the plan gets Izzy killed.

Stede’s really the only person in that room who thinks Stede should be making the plans.  So I got to thinking, what if it's not just mirroring the dream? What if it is a dream? Last shot of episode 7 is an incoming cannonball. Maybe he’s unconscious.

Huge shout out to @Arty_Sunflowers on twitter (I’m not calling it X, fuck Musk) for pointing out that that isn’t the only episode that ends with a cannonball. Episode 2 ends with Jim swinging a cannonball down at Ed’s head.  Stede’s not just dreaming, he’s in the Gravy Basket!!!! (Stede even screams “Oh my God!” at the end of episode 7 in the same tone he screams “Oh my God, I don’t want to die.” in s1e9.

Stede’s hopes, dreams, and insecurities shape everything in the finale. And it helps explain the absurdities in the episode when you remember that Stede is living out pulp adventure and romance novels in his head. (He even looks like someone on the cover of one in his episode 1 dream.) But Stede can’t be dead, you say. He’s literally the main character. Well, Ed was dead for a whole episode. Let’s take a closer look.

I could and probably will do another essay on Lucius as a POV character and Ed’s mental health and how the threads they seemed to have dropped aren’t as dropped as they appear. But all of that hinges on me proving the Stede is in the Gravy Basket theory. So for this essay I’m focusing on that.

So for starters we’ve got the cannonball scenes. They’re eerily similar even if the method of cannonball propulsion is different. We don’t know Ed is dead and in the Gravy Basket for about half of episode 3. Neither does he. It makes logical sense you can be there without realizing it for a while. Buttons even said Ed didn’t know whether he was in the Gravy Basket or not in episode 4. It definitely messes with your reality.

One of Ed’s issues is self hate. He manifests Hornigold as his companion. Stede is desperate to be a good pirate and have people be proud of him. And he lives in his fantasies a lot.  So his dream shapes his experience. There’s a whole bit about Zheng needing “soft” and Auntie saying she’s proud of her. That isn’t their issue. It’s discordant with the show previously. But it is Stede’s issue. He’s manifesting.

When we first see Stede and Zheng in episode 8, they’re in a familiar spot for Stede, the bridge from episode 1. But why are they alone? When we last see Stede and Zheng in episode 7, several characters are within 5 to 10 feet of them. Did none of them decide to escape with Stede? Izzy, Lucius,  and Jim are closest. But we know Pete was there begging Stede to stay down during his fight with Zheng. Archie was definitely in the bar. That's why Jim entered the fight. So why is it only Stede and Zheng at the bridge? Because, going back to rescue others fits into Stede's hero fantasies. 

Zheng and Stede also argue about who pulled who to safety and how they got there. Stede waxes poetic about being a failure his whole life, but things always seem to work out for him. He’s such a main character mediocre white guy in this scene. He saves Zheng from two random soldiers, then she has to save him from them. Then they fight a bunch more soldiers on the beach until Blackbeard manifests in full leather from the ocean.  It looks cool. But it's absurd, even for OFMD.

Speaking of Ed, he begins the episode waxing poetic about nature and calling fishermen simple.  Those things are more Stede than Ed. Pop pop tells Ed, “You have no skills” which is something Izzy said to Stede in episode 5.  He also tells Ed, “If you were ever good at something, go do that, you bum.” If Stede’s insecurities could be distilled into one sentence, it would probably be that. (He also talks about being like a wave. I’m not 100% sure it's a The Good Place joke, but it would be thematically appropriate.)

Pop pop also tells Ed he “ruined dinner.”  Back in season 1, in Stede’s flashbacks to life with Mary and the kids, Stede thinks he’s ruined dinner. But remember, we also see another version of the scene where Stede is laughing with Mary and the kids.  Stede isn’t exactly a reliable narrator. Even in his own head.

Despite it being beyond unlikely, Ed finds soldiers reading one of Stede’s letters. I know physics in this show is sketchy, but this seems like a good time to point out no one found the red silk. Stede wants Ed to read a letter and for it to fix everything between them. The letter, plus Stede being in danger, make Ed swim out, find his leathers, and emerge from the sea with them on, while the music is the Swede’s solo from Stede’s fuckery in s1e6. Stede wants to be rescued by his handsome pirate in leather, again, just like a pulp adventure romance novel. Little chance of Ed swimming out and finding his kit.  Even less of him getting leather pants on under the water.

Back to the beach… for some reason two squads of soldiers are wandering around out on an empty beach. A visually incredible fight scene occurs. It honestly reminds me of Pete’s story in s1e2, including flips. Ed and Stede yell each other’s names exactly as in the dream. Like I’m pretty sure they used the same audio track. The same song (I Love My Baby, Nina Simone) starts playing. Ed says “I love you.” Stede says “I know.” (We’ll come back to the Han Solo joke in a minute.) They have a bit more absurd fighting then Ed, Stede, and Zheng sit on the beach complimenting each other. And Ed calls Stede “babe”.  He’s never done that outside of Stede’s dream and this moment. He’s called him mate a couple of times.  Babe is exclusively in Stede’s head.

Back in the Republic of Pirates, the crew are locked in a cell that is actually the “vista suite” at Spanish Jackie’s.  Izzy gets a heroic entrance. It’s as cool as Stede thinks Izzy is. And he gives a speech that sounds like what he probably told Stede to get him to relinquish the suit in episode 5. Piracy is about belonging to something. You can’t ignore the wishes of the crew.  Izzy also knows details about Captain Kidd and Pinocchio. Not impossible, but not exactly Izzy’s wheelhouse. It is Stede’s though. He’s obsessed with pirate tales and he read Pinocchio to the crew.

Stede, Ed, and Zheng show up just as Jackie has poisoned a bunch of soldiers. Stede makes a plan, despite everyone else being more qualified. Everyone disguises themselves as soldiers. Now we’ve seen the crew of the Revenge wear disguises. They never do the weird free styling they do here. Only Stede actually looks like a British officer. Zheng at least wears the disguise properly. Suddenly Ed has a multi gun bandolier like Blackbeard in the books. Pete ripped the arms off. Izzy is still wearing his vest. Doesn’t make sense if we’re going for stealth. Neither does not checking hostage Ricky for weapons or putting Izzy and his wooden leg at the front of the group.

If I'm right, Stede wouldn't know Ricky was behind the explosions. However,  Ricky is basically evil Stede. He's Stede's perfect foil. All of this is reflecting Stede's psyche. So, of course, it's Ricky.

Izzy gets shot and says quite a lot of nonsense in his death scene. “They love you, Ed.” Um, 3 of them were going to leave like five minutes ago. Ed has made some progress with the crew, but we’re not at “they love you Ed”.  The only person who thinks the crew loves Ed is Stede. Stede who weeps for Izzy while most of the crew aren’t showing much emotion. Stede can barely deal with his own big feelings. His fantasy doesn’t give the crew room to have them. Also, given the rest of the season, having Jim just let Ed be the person cradling Izzy doesn’t fit. The crew is also pretty stony at Izzy’s funeral.

I feel like it should be noted the last shot of Izzy in episode 7, he’s got one are around Jim and a hand on Lucius’s shoulder. He sat in Wee John’s lap in episode 6. Reactions to his death don’t make sense.

Also, Izzy’s terrible grave marker is very … Stede. He’d think it was a brilliant idea.

I didn't understand at first why Izzy had to die, even in Stede's dream world. Stede clearly likes him a lot better now. Why kill him? Well, it's because we're supposed to think Buttons is there to go to the Gravy Basket for Izzy. When actually he's already arrived in the Gravy Basket and he's there for Stede. Also, mentors die in pulp adventure novels. Stede sees Izzy as a mentor.

They go aboard the Revenge for Lucius and Pete’s wedding. It’s cute that the crew performs the ceremony, but I’d venture a guess that’s because Stede doesn’t know a captain should do it if it's legally binding. Stede does love the romance of it all.  The sudden uptick in monogamy is also very Stede. He barely understands monogamous relationships. Polyamory is beyond him.

Then Stede and Ed, who earlier told Zheng they’d help hunt Ricky, go back to the island where Izzy is buried to start an inn in a run down shack.  Stede knows Ed wants to do this because Ed told the (Taika’s) kids that they ran an inn.  We hear Ed ask “Jesus, what is that smell?” Now, at first, I thought Izzy, because Ed “knows the smell of my rotting first mate”. But what was the last thing to happen in Stede’s dream? A fart joke.

Last scene is Buttons landing on Izzy’s grave. To retrieve Izzy from the Gravy Basket? No, Izzy’s not dead. He’s with Jim and Lucius, probably watching over Stede’s corpse. Buttons is there to retrieve Stede.

This theory fixes the plot holes and dropped threads problem. We’re coming back to them next season. Ed's amends making should be far from over. And we see several moments during the season where he acknowledged that. And yet here on the island they've set up a horror movie and called it a happy ending.  Well, Stede is the type of boss who thinks things are fixed with a pizza (Calypso) party. In Stede's mind, this is a happy ending.  But really Ed is still off finding himself,  Stede is (temporarily) dead, and Izzy (who is not dead!) is probably guarding Stede's corpse.

They haven't resolved the domestic violence thread, but they haven't dropped it, either. Izzy is alive. Stede and Ed aren't together (yet). There's still time.

This also explains some of the freewheeling nonsense David Jenkins has been spouting in articles. Ed doesn’t see Izzy as a father figure and mentor, Stede does.  Stede almost turned to mush when Izzy approved of him. And David is writing a three volume adventure novel. Han Solo (Stede) is in carbonate (the Gravy Basket). The perfect end to the second act. See, I told you we’d get back to the Han Solo joke.

I still have problems with the season.  I really think they need a sensitivity reader. Even just implying a newly disabled character was fridged is certainly a choice. Especially given the amount of time devoted to how the character handled the disability. The DV scenes were brutal, as well as the suicide attempt, and the Human Puppet joke. I think they need someone trauma informed and disabled in the writer's room. (David Jenkins hit me up!)

Overall, I liked season 2. Especially once I realized Izzy wasn't dead. I'm looking forward to season 3, the conclusion of the Gentle Beard arc, and hopefully 6 seasons and a movie of Izzy (to be clear, he's not captain) and the kids sailing up and down the coast being gay and doing crimes, occasionally checking in with Stede and Ed.

Seriously, David, call me.

Historical Note: IRL Blackbeard died on November 22, 1718, killed in a naval battle off Ocracoke Island in North Carolina. IRL Stede Bonnet died December 10, 1718, hanged in Charles Town, South Carolina for piracy.  IRL Israel “Izzy” Hands survives piracy, death date unknown. I know this show doesn’t actually care about historical accuracy, but this lends a little support for my Ed died, then Stede died, and Izzy isn’t dead theory.

[aithusarosekiller]

An Extensive List Of Ouizzy Hcs

Frenchie is a cuddler. If he gets the opportunity to latch on like a koala you know damn well that he will do it. This is often paired with soft kisses to wherever is closest to his face. He and Izzy were initially very casual with very little intimacy, until one day Frenchie just decided to cuddle up and Izzy had the realisation of 'oh shit, this is actually really nice'

Izzy's response to the first 'I love you' was a very panicked 'fuck off' until he remembered how similarly Ed had responded to his confession and freaked the fuck out because he didn't want Frenchie to feel that way. He was too emotionally constipated to apologise so he just left the room. It took two days for him to approach Frenchie and manage an apology, which was accepted a lot quicker than he anticipated.

Frenchie is so proud that he managed to pull the Izzy Hands and will not fail to mention it to EVERYBODY he comes across. He is very much the 'Well, yesterday, my husband said...' 'According to Iz- that's my boyfriend btw-' 'hey, this is Izzy, he's my beautiful boyfriend' 'I'm so lucky to have a husband like Iz' 'I have a partner too, his name is Izzy and-' 'sorry, I've got a date with my darling Izzy today' type of partner

Frenchie smiles in his sleep. It's adorable.

Jim is their no.1 supporter. They gave Frenchie the shovel talk, which he genuinely did not see coming. They think their relationship is 'cute', which made Izzy particularly grumpy and reluctant to talk to them for a week.

Izzy is a sub

Izzy always falls asleep first but he's a super light sleeper so Frenchie is careful to not move or even breathe too loud because he is terrified of waking him

Stede knew they were dating before Izzy did

Izzy will usually shut down Frenchie's superstitious theories but will occasionally indulge him if he's particularly adamant and it won't cause any harm bc at least it makes Frenchie happy to be believed.

The room they choose to hide Izzy in when he gets shot is the room the two of them had been secretly meeting up in for several weeks before the canon s2 timeline picks up. Frenchie just panicked and took him right there, having to come up with an excuse to give to Archie when she asked why he wanted to drag Izzy behind a dusty shelf.

Frenchie gives neck hugs, Izzy goes for the arms around the waist + face in shoulder hug. Occasionally Izzy will come up and hug him from behind but he finds it more intimate for some inexplicable reason so he rarely does it, especially in the company of others.

They can't go anywhere without walking into some big, scary guy Izzy once hooked up with. But Frenchie quickly grew to not mind because out of all of them, Iz still chose to stick the superstitious barely-pirate with no survival skills whatsoever so are any of them really that cool after all?

Lucius takes every opportunity to tease Izzy about their relationship. He will not stop until he gets a satisfying reaction. Or until he gets bored enough to make up an excuse for leaving...

Frenchie is a biter. No further information.

They don't usually do anniversaries but they DO frequently pretend that it's their anniversary when they want to get out of doing something for somebody else

In S1E4, Frenchie is the one that left the prosthetic at Izzy's door. He's also the one that told Lucius what to put on the note.

Izzy sometimes sings when he's really focused on something but he'll deny it to the end of time. Frenchie hears sometimes and just quietly listens. He'll switch between languages when he sings depending on his mood and Frenchie loses all human cognitive abilities when he brings out the French.

One day, Frenchie 'adopts' a rat he found onboard and calls it Maddy, Izzy hates it but still manages to convince Roach not to skin it and feed it to a seagull, all bc it made Frenchie happy. Ofc if you asked him, he'd say he had nothing to do with the thing being kept.

Frenchie manages to somehow slip the word 'babe' into every conversation

Izzy's a hand kisser. Especially the palms.

They both go to Wee John when they're stressing about gifts or smth and it gets to a point where he knows more about their relationship than they do

Izzy accidentally let the words 'my love' slip ONCE and is not allowed to forget it

There is nothing Frenchie wouldn't do to hear that man laugh. He'll do absolutely anything just to see him smile or laugh, which initially proves to be quite difficult.

They are girl dads idec

Izzy occasionally smokes, and it's one of the key ways Frenchie can tell if he is in pain or stressed out

They make bets about everyone else on the ship constantly. About almost anything.

Izzy tried to teach Frenchie how to read but his reading skills are relatively limited so it really didn't go well. They end up going to Ed for help because Izzy banned him from asking Lucius.

Frenchie knows a lot about flowers. He never says how but he'll go on about them for ages. Izzy secretly gives it endearing.

The black jacket Frenchie wears in s2 was given to him by Izzy. He made some adjustments and added the cat to the back and then started to wear it constantly; he quite liked wearing it because it felt like a comforting layer of protection and familiarity from the horrors around them

[meteor752]

Episode 8 thoughts

I’m scared

Philosophy with Edward, good start

He looks strangely cute honestly, like a very happy boy

Alright, random guy just aggressively “HMMMMMM”

You indoctrinating them into your sea cult Eddie?

Random guy being more aggressive, aight

At this point I had to leave for class, so like tbc for me

Okay I’m back!

Aww they hugging :)

Mans name is pop pop?

Okay it’s not

I adore Ed’s hair, but I think that’s a given here

Yeah okay mans is strugglin

Bye bye Eddie!

Prince boy is back…hurray

Spanish Jackie is absolutely slaying, I adore her

Aaaaaaaand, I have class again, jolly good

If I get called away again I’m gonna loose it

Oh great the stupid nose jar is back

Oh no Swede!!

Oh the bridge is back!

This is a strange friendship, but I kinda love it. The gay loser and bisexual girlboss is back

Let’s go Stede! Save your bestie!

Eddie nooooooooooooo

Eddie yessssssssssssss

Goth Ed is back, ready to avenge his bf

My god he looks fucking cool

OH THE KRAKEN

Izzy keeps on being the best character of the season

I think Prince boy has a crush on Izzy, just like the rest of the fandom

What you trynna do prince boy

“It’s about belonging to something when the world has told you you’re nothing” pirating keeps on being an allegory for the queer community, and it keeps being so sweet, especially to Izzy’s story

Wait when did Roach and Fang even get here?

THOSE LETTERS ARE NOT FOR YOU MISTER

Casually reading the letter while stabbing a guy, he just keeps on winning

The fanfics were right!!! He did find the letters!

“YOU WROTE ME A LOVELY LETTER!!” gurl saaaaaaame

THE BLACK BEACH!!

Girlboss is helping!!

STEARD!!!

Smooch!

I’m so soft…

That reunion is all I ever wanted out of this show actually

“For love!!” Stede we don’t deserve you

Don’t ya dare touch Lucius scarf!

Oh Auntie is alive!

When did Jim become the crew doctor? They are somehow worse at it than Roach I’d say

New trio to obsess over

Edward Teach canonically did a flip during a fight, my baby

They are both so supportive to their golden retriever friend/bf

Babe!!

“But you’re not a man. You’re soft” alright auntie

Trans Oluwande?

Izzy keeps saying eat the rich, and we stan him

Izzy!!!!!!! Hell yes!!!!

Oh oh my god

Please don’t tell me Swede died for that!

Oh okay no he’s like that princess bride dude, aight

Olu is a great support system

Ed is slaying in his gay ass sitting way

I DID NOT CONSENT TO HAVING A FULL BARE ARSE JUST DISPLAYED IN FRONT OF ME

Stede looks surprisingly sexy in that outfit

Alright, a little Archie Jim action, hell yeah

How come every time they kiss Izzy is just, in the background

THEY ALL LOOK SO GOOD!!

Frenchie!

Girlbosses, all of them

HOLY FUCKING SHIT JIM

Aww, Eddie cares <3

Aww, Izzy does not care <3

Frenchie helps Izzy! Fuck do I ship that now?

If Izzy dies I’m gonna throw my computer

Izzy remains the best even while on deaths door

Wait he called him Eddie?

Okay I don’t have captions, so I have no idea what Izzy is saying here

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?!?!

Okay I heard Twat

Something about family?

Oh my god…

Okay I’m not throwing my computer because it’s technically my school’s computer but like bruv

NO!!!

IZZY!!!!!!!!

Why him??????

Zheng apart of the crew? Ayo?

Stede don’t push it

WEDDING!!!

Why is Wee John officiating?

Maybe it’s because he’s Calypso

Oh no they’re all officiating that’s sweet

Mateys!!!

Roach is a doll

Frenchie is officially the first mate? Ayo???

INNKEEPERS!!!!!!!!!

Does that mean Frenchie is the captain??

The cravat!

Hi Buttons

Frenchie!

I think this is the first interaction Wee John and Frenchie has had all season, which is sad honestly

If we get a season 3, it better switch povs between The Revenge and Stede and Ed’s adventures as innkeepers, together with their pet bird Buttons and the ghost of Izzy

[wistfulcynic]

not to pile more on that one alcoholic SMAU but since there’s disk horse loose at the moment i’m thinking again about the one thing that really bugs me about it (y’know, aside from the Racism). And i know i go on about this a lot, to the point where i don’t dare anymore for fear people will just roll their eyes and say Yes Saira We Are Aware You Are Old Would You For Once Just Shut The Fuck Up About It and my very valid point will be lost. 

but here’s the thing, and apologies in advance because this will be rambling. Here’s the thing about Accuracy In Fic Writing and why “canon-typical historical inaccuracy”, though we do love it so, can go only so far. 

first, because the 80s are not history. FFS. 

but mostly because there’s accuracy in terms of something that's possible and accuracy in terms of something that’s probable. And they are not the same. Douglas Adams, in The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (still the best book title in history) took that Sherlock Holmes maxim of “when you have eliminated the impossible....” and turned it on its head in a way that has stuck for decades in mine. He said (Dirk Gently said) and i paraphrase, that when a thing happens that we think is impossible that just implies that there’s something, some fact, that we don’t know. Which is unsurprising when you consider the vast wealth of things that we as a species simply don’t know. But when a thing seems improbable that’s because it goes against something fundamentally human that we do know. It may be factually possible but our gut reaction is “yes, but that person just wouldn’t do that.” 

and this is why i cannot get past the faxing flirtation in That One SMAU. Yes, it’s a cute idea. i get why someone who’s had no direct experience with 1980s faxes would be drawn to it. But lads (gender neutral) the thing is. They Just Wouldn’t Do That. 

faxes in the 80s were LOUD. They were SLOW. It took like five minutes to send a single page. Five minutes of shrieking noise, and i do mean shrieking. And i just cannot believe that two neurodivergent-coded characters would have the spoons, the patience, the ability to tolerate deeply unpleasant stimuli, to sit around for hours playing tic-tac-toe via fax. It’s not impossible, not as such, it’s just very, very improbable. That improbability shrieks in my mind like a fucking incoming fax and won’t be handwaved away. 

this is where the accuracy in terms of what’s probable in fic comes into play. You might think that this sort of thing hardly matters in a fic about characters from a show where they read Pinocchio 100 years before it was written and 18th century pirates dress like Mad Max, but the thing about the show’s anachronisms is that they are all pointedly deliberate. They say something about the characters. Of course Stede likes a story about a puppet who becomes a real boy, he’s in the midst of his own identity crisis. Ed’s leather outfit tells us so much about who he is, the armour he wears, and provides a sharp contrast to both Stede and who Ed becomes when he’s being the truest version of himself. These aren't mistakes made because the writers couldn’t be arsed to research or because they don’t understand the implications of what they’re writing, entirely the opposite. Which is why if someone writes a fic in which Frenchie invents Ye Olde Spotify Playlist or Lucius calls someone a DILF then, babes, i am right there with you. More of that please. 

because those things are both fully in character and, within the universe established by the show, entirely probable. They are believable. They fit the fundamentally human things we already know about these characters and this universe. They are factually impossible for 1717 but that doesn’t matter a bit. That is what canon-typical historical inaccuracy gives us. 

it does not give us two kids in the 80s playing with fax machines like they’re toys, or the chat in a dating app. Sorry, but it just doesn’t. It may not be impossible per se, just so fundamentally improbable that it’s still shrieking in my head even months later. 

and i know this nudges at the precipice of an even larger Disk Horse, the one about characterisation in fic writing and how much OOC is okay and how much is Too Much, but i guess this is where i fall down on that debate too. i’m okay with my characters doing something that is impossible. What i’m not okay with is them doing what, for them, is improbable. If i ever hit a point in reading where i say aloud “but they just wouldn’t do that,” well. That’s where i’m noping out. 

[izzy-b-hands]

"Broke is such a...term," Stede chuckles nervously.

"You mean we're poor again?" the Swede asks softly.

"Oh love," Lucius pats his shoulder. "We were never rich; we just worked for a rich guy."

"Oh."

"I know."

Stede frowns. "You all did want a more traditional pirate employment experience, so this-"

"Sucks," Pete interjects. "I needed you to help fund Lucius' R-I-N-G!"

"Babe, I can spell," Lucius smiles. "A ring, hm? Of the kind that goes-"

"On your cock, yeah, that one, definitely," Pete stammers. "Not the finger one because I love you or whatever, but like. If you DID get one of those, and you had to put at least three stones on it, which-"

Lucius lovingly tackles him to the sand and peppers him with kisses.

"See, Pete came to terms with it and he's fine," Stede says. "Money isn't all there is to life."

"Yeah, but it does help to have it," Olu says. "And in bulk, if possible."

"I can never please you guys!"

Stede flops face first onto the hot sand. "Ow."

"Okay," Olu sighs. "You need a minute like that?"

"...yes."

"Okay. We're gonna look for ships to steal so we can start searching for Ed. Wanna come help once this is over?"

"I'm sorry, Olu."

Olu pats his back. "It's...yeah. Is what it is, Captain. You're okay."

"I have no money, my boyfriend tried to kill my scribe, no ship, and everyone hates me," Stede mumbles into the sand. "Pft. And now I have sand in my mouth! Life is endless miseries and little more!"

"...yeah, right, so when you're done, come join us. Or, see if Lucius and Pete want a third, if that would help you and they're interested."

"Maybe."

"Captain, seriously, this is so sad and not in an entirely sympathetic way-"

"I miss Ed."

Olu looks to the waiting crew, eye rolls waiting in the wings. "He'll be fine. This is fine."

"We're all gonna die," Roach nods.

"Not helping."

"Davy Jones will cradle us like a-"

"Buttons," Olu hisses. "Not helping!"

"Who said I was trying to be helpful? Was a bit of poetry ye might have appreciated, but never mind me."

"You think Ed and everyone else are doing better?" Stede sniffles.

--

"Broken," Ed nods. "I might have guessed, as we are listing entirely to the side."

Frenchie winces. "Yeah, that last battle...well. We all worked really hard, and that's good, but even so we're going to die, so..."

"Please get on the fucking dinghy already!" Izzy limps over and points to the dinghy full of Jim, Fang, Ivan, and as much of all their stuff as possible, waiting for them. "I am not dying here."

"Nah, the infection will do that later," Ed remarks. "You're right though; we should probably go."

"Probably?!"

"Oh my god," Ed sighs deeply. "Let's go before he makes a Thing out of this."

"The ship is almost sideways!" Fang calls from the boat. "We're already sort of in the water now here, so can we PLEASE-"

"Bitch, whine, kvetch, does anything else get done on this fucking ship?" Ed stomps off to the dinghy, leaving Frenchie to help Izzy limp along after him.

--

"I'd argue it's one of the finest," Stede says seriously. "Swede, give him a turn?"

The Swede obliges and shows off his ass, saying something Stede doesn't understand in Swedish but that sounds fairly sexy at least.

"Uh," the pirate coughs awkwardly. "No thanks."

"The prostitution thing didn't work before when you weren't even trying for it," Lucius sighs. "Why would you do it again?"

"Because we are, indeed, hawking fabulous booty of many kinds, and-"

"Your wife handled most of the financials, didn't she?" Lucius pats his shoulder. "Awww."

"I can handle money! And I know how to make it!"

"And I didn't get hard watching Pete try to roleplay as Izzy, sure."

"What now?"

Lucius shrugs. "He's grown on me. Pete just likes the idea of us wearing more leather, I think."

"We really should," Pete interjects in between posing for the passing crowds.

"Sure, I'll buy us some with my NO MONEY!" Stede shrieks. "I hate this."

"If you need money," a passing pirate pauses to say. "Spanish Jackie is running a sort of contest you folks might be interested in."

--

"Huh," Ed studies the flyer. "Stripping isn't anything Izzy's done in awhile-"

"Sorry, he's done this before?" Frenchie asks. "Not judging, just didn't expect it, Iz."

"I'll die up there," Izzy mutters. "Literally, at this rate."

His foot has been attended to by a doctor at the port, but he's understandably still feeling shit.

However, they need money and a ship, and at least having more of the former would help until they can steal the latter...

--

"Hi," Stede says awkwardly.

"Bonnet."

"You didn't buy anything special to wear for this?"

"Can't afford it at present. Judging by your outfit, you're in the same boat."

Stede snorts. "Is Ed..."

"Um. You do know Jackie's made him a last minute judge, yeah?"

"Oh no."

Izzy nods. "Yeah. I'd say may the best man win, but we're up against Jack."

"He's alive?!"

"Against all odds and as usual, yes."

"This day can't get worse."

"Also, Ed's expecting a theme for each performance, so-"

"Oh my god."

"Yeah."

--

"Uh," Ed steps onstage and gently pulls Stede and Izzy up from it. "Jackie, can I finish judging in a moment?"

"Everyone's still buying drinks and Jack wants to dance again," she replies. "Don't worry about it, just get them off my damn stage."

"So," he says as he drags them back to the assembly of chairs for both their crews. "Izzy I know is sick, that's his excuse for whatever the fuck that performance was-"

"Pardon me for tripping because I'm missing my fuckin' toe," Izzy grumbles.

"And Olu says you've been avoiding food to save money? Which I assume explains the passing out. What the fuck is all this?"

"Been asking myself that for the last twenty minutes," Jim interjects. "I. I've learned things about myself here. I don't know how to feel about it."

"Jack has that effect on most people," Es says. "I mean, I know it would be a bad idea to fuck him again. However, after that performance..."

His gaze softens and his eyes look somewhere beyond anything visible before he shakes his head. "Sorry, anyway. What the fuck are we doing about this mess?"

--

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Jack screams from the dock, cock out and flopping as he runs. "Ed! Edward! Park my ship and get over here, now!"

"We're all in various stages of fucking each other over!" Ed calls. "You said it yourself!"

"I didn't mean like this!"

"You should have been more specific then!"

"I don't feel great about this," Stede admits. "But this is really good soup."

"It is," Izzy nods. "Almost makes a person tired. Maybe that's just the day."

"I laced it with morphine so they rest," Roach whispers to Olu. "Don't worry, I dosed it carefully."

Izzy and Stede slump forward, wooden bowls of soup spilling onto the deck.

"Carefully?"

"Carefully enough. Captain Ed has requested a serious conversation with each of them; I figured they could use as much sleep as possible before that."

"Odd question, but is there more of that soup available for the rest of us?"

Roach nods. "Roach's Sleepytime Soup is only made in large batches, specifically for situations like this."

"When your estranged captains sort of get back together but not really and everything is a fucking mess?"

Roach shrugs. "Also weddings. Because they're stressful, but you can't be stressed if you're sleeping."

"I love it; what's the recommended amount to sleep through until the three of them are done with all that talking Ed wants?"

"...just keep eating until you pass out or it feels right."

"Okay."

Which things aren't really. Okay, that is, but the soup is warm and fast-acting, and Ed seems happy enough as he directs the rest of the crew.

That's maybe as much as they can ask for, while broke and now living on a ship with a dedicated 'whippies' area of the deck (as labeled in paint by presumably Jack.)

[awriterpretendingtowrite]

"Thus Conscience Doth Make Cowards of Us All" Part Two

Our Flag Means Death fic. Part One is based around the time of 1x09, this part is around 1x10. 2.2k words.

Part One

---

“Bridgeport ahead!” yelled Buttons, pointing straight out to the town in their sightline. Olivia the seagull squawked from her perch on his head.

“Bridgeport,” repeated Ed, now cleaned up and sitting on deck with the crew. “Why does that sound familiar?”

Lucius stared at Oluwande with wide eyes as Frenchie stuttered out, “Uh, well, I think that’s the name of the town in that Shakespeare play you were reading us yesterday.”

“Was it?”

Frenchie swallowed nervously. “Yep.”

“Sure was,” added Black Pete pointlessly.

“Lovely reading, by the way,” Wee John said. He, Buttons, Roach, Ivan, and Fang had all been filled on the plan. They had tried to tell the Swede, but he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it, so they had just told him to not worry about it.

The ones who knew the plan were in full support of it. The real plan, that was. Only Izzy labored under the delusion that they were on a quest to get the vicious pirate Blackbeard back.

Ed smoothed out the front of his—well, it could only be called a frock, really. It was frilly and fancy, just like Stede.

“Thanks,” he said with a little smile. “I thought it went quite well.”

Frenchie struggled to not laugh.

They docked in Bridgeport and as Ed, Izzy, and most of the other crew members set off in search of “something interesting,” in Ed’s words, Oluwande and his little gang set off to find Stede Bonnet.

--

“Ugh, how hard is it to find one person in this stupid town?” Lucius complained.

Jim rolled their eyes. “It’s been an hour,” they said. “You’ll live.”

“Maybe I won’t,” Lucius snapped. “Then what?”

“Babe,” said Black Pete, and he laid a hand comfortingly on Lucius’ arm. “Do you need some food?”

The writer pouted for a second, then begrudgingly said, “Maybe.”

Oluwande stretched, popping his back, then he said, “I think we could all use some food. Jim? Frenchie?”

The latter said, “Yeah, I could go for some grub.”

“I’ll take anything Roach didn’t make,” Jim agreed, and they made their way through the streets to an inn. There was a piano being hoisted up the building next to the inn, and Oluwande stared at it, confused.

Their ragtag group of five attracted many strange looks as they entered the inn, but not as many as a table across the room, where a group of rowdy men sat, all in grubby clothes save one.

“Great,” said Jim sarcastically. “Ed’s here.”

As Oluwande looked at the table, he commented, “And the whole crew.”

Jim grabbed Oluwande’s arm and tried to drag him out of the inn, but Lucius and Black Pete had already grabbed a spare table, far across the room from Ed and the gang.

As Jim tried to drag Oluwande out, none of the crew but Izzy saw them. The first mate, surrounded by drunk, happily singing pirates, shot them an angry, long-suffering look that clearly said, Get a move on with the plan.

When Oluwande looked at Jim, they were grinning. “Never mind,” they said, thrilled at Izzy’s displeasure. “Let’s wait a little longer before we find Stede Bonnet.”

“Stede Bonnet?” a voice said behind them. “The Gentleman Pirate?

“Yeah,” Oluwande said, turning around. “You know him?”

There was a group of people sitting around a table, having a lunchtime drink. They were clearly manual workers, likely heavy lifters, based on the broad shoulders, sun hats, and weathered hands.

One of the men said, “Eh, not personally. But he just hired us to hoist a piano halfway up a building.”

“What?” said Jim.

Oluwande said, “The one outside? You guys only hoisted it halfway?”

One of the workers shrugged. “We just do what we’re paid to do.”

“Thanks,” Oluwande said, and he and Jim walked away.

They approached Frenchie, Black Pete, and Lucius, who hadn’t even had a chance to get food yet.

“Captain Bonnet is here, and planning something,” Oluwande said to them.

Lucius glared at him, but Black Pete asked curiously, “What?”

“Whatever it is,” guessed Frenchie, “I doubt it’s good.”

A commotion from the street drew their attention, and when Oluwande looked out the window, he spotted a familiar figure in the street with flowers in hand.

“We may just find out,” he said, running outside with the others behind.

Stede Bonnet stood, frilly as ever, in the middle of the street, gesturing to everyone with a fistful of flowers, saying, “So I would like to publicly apologize to my patient, lovely wife.”

“WIFE?” Oluwande, Jim, Lucius, Frenchie, and Black Pete said in unison, and rather loudly, much to the chagrin of the men standing around them, who all moved to the other side of the street.

Stede gestured to a brunette woman across the street standing at the front of a group of women in front of an art show.

“‘The Widow Bonnet’?” read Jim.

A low growling was heard down the street and the mentioned “widow” cried, “Stede, look out! There’s a jungle cat!”

Stede turned to stare at what was indeed a jungle cat advancing down the street toward him.

“No, no, no, no way,” said Frenchie, backing up until Jim grabbed his shirt and forced him to say. “I told you lot that cats are terrifying.”

While he muttered something about knives and witches, Oluwande narrowed his eyes, surveying the scene as Stede’s wife called his name again.

“Stay where you are, my love, I’ll handle this!” Stede called to her with great bravado, and Oluwande wondered exactly what a jungle cat was doing in the middle of town.

With the leopard following, Stede entered the doorway under the suspended piano. Puzzle pieces were clicking into place in Oluwande’s mind, even as Jim and Frenchie argued about cats and Lucius and Black Pete spoke in scandalized tones about how Stede had never mentioned a wife, and how he was calling her his “love” when he was obviously in love with Blackbeard.

Drawn by the commotion, Edward stumbled into the street.

“Stede?” he called desperately, and Oluwande said, “Ed! Over here!”

The captain turned to him with such longing that Oluwande’s heart twinged in sympathy. “We were watching him before he went in there,” Oluwande said as rattling and crashing issued from the building that Stede had gone into.

Ed started to stride toward the building, but Oluwande held an arm out. “Wait,” he said. “There’s more to this. I know it. Just wait.”

Blackbeard would have murdered Oluwande for his insolence.

Ed stopped and stared at the building, heartbroken.

Stede’s wife screamed as the leopard roared, and they heard Stede’s voice shout, “There goes my arm!”

“I need to save him!” said Ed desperately, but Oluwande and Jim both cried, “Wait!”

So the captain did, although every inch of his body strained toward a man he couldn’t even see.

There was silence for a moment, and Oluwande feared the worst.

Then Stede stumbled out of the building, covered in rich red blood, and still holding his bunch of flowers, broken and torn.

“He’s alive!” someone shouted from across the street.

Oluwande looked over at Ed to find him completely frozen, staring speechless at Stede.

“I’m fine,” called Stede. “It’s not the creature’s fault. I managed to calm him in the end. He was more scared of me than I was of him.”

And Oluwande saw the carriage before the horses whinnied, heard Stede’s wife and Ed scream as one, “Stede, look out!” and heard the thud of Stede’s body as the carriage rammed into him.

A huge cloud of dust billowed out around the carriage, and Ed shouted, “No!”

Oluwande caught Ed as he collapsed to his knees, staring at the dust cloud, tears immediately falling down his cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Oluwande mumbled, not sure if he meant it, coughing against the dust. “It’ll all be okay.”

“Look!” said Black Pete, pointing to the carriage door—which was swinging shut.

“Oh my—”

“He’s alive—”

“He planned a f—”

Lucius, Frenchie, and Jim’s voices all mingled together until the carriage started rolling again, rolling over Stede’s head.

Although it wasn’t really Stede, Oluwande realized. In the split second Oluwande could see into the carriage window as it passed, he saw a blond head and bloody clothes sitting upright in the seat.

“Ed, look up,” Oluwande said.

Unfortunately, Edward looked up right as the piano fell on Stede.

Women fainting. Men screaming. Ed doing both.

The piano quieted and so did the crowds. Everyone hesitantly approached the piano and the body underneath it, and then Stede’s wife, now widow again, broke the silence.

“He kept it to himself,” she said, turning to face the crowd, “but Stede had been quite ill. In some ways, it’s a blessing.”

Ed was coming to, and Oluwande helped him to his feet. Jim, Frenchie, Lucius, and Black Pete stared at Ed and Oluwande, who both stood and watched the widow accept a wine glass from a tall woman with an eyepatch.

The tall woman spoke. “This is how Stede woulda wanted to go.”

As Stede’s widow raised her glass, Oluwande could see the gears in Ed’s head starting to turn.

“To Stede,” said the widow, and Oluwande could see the hint of a smile on her face. “Complicated, hard headed, really quite irritating at times, and now free.”

“Now… free,” echoed Ed, deep in thought.

“Long may he roam,” said the ex-Mrs. Bonnet, and Ed realized what had happened.

“He’s alive,” Ed breathed. He turned so fast to the others that Oluwande backed away, but a smile was breaking over Ed’s face. “You saw him,” he said, and they nodded, each with their own smiles.

Ed laughed, wiping away tears. “That’s not him under that piano. He did this… for me. Lunatic.”

Oluwande nodded. “And he’s leaving,” he said gently.

“I know where he’s going,” Ed said, wild energy overtaking him. “Back to the sea.” And he ran down the street after the carriage, his laughter carried back to Oluwande and the others.

“Think he’ll catch him?” Frenchie asked.

“Ah, without a doubt,” Jim said.

Lucius shook his head. “Captain Bonnet,” he said wonderingly. “I guess he is a genius. On rare occasions.”

Black Pete agreed, “That was next level.”

Oluwande ignored them, staring after the retreating figure of Ed. “I think it’ll all be okay,” he said to himself. “I think they’ll be okay.”

--

Stede exited the carriage at the docks, tipping the driver generously and thanking him profusely.

“And remember!” he called as the driver pulled away, “I’m officially dead, so don’t be telling people about our little shenanigans!”

The dust cloud billowing up behind the carriage was his only response.

Stede grinned. It had all gone perfectly according to plan. From the leopard to the piano, it was all perfect. He could only imagine what everyone’s faces had looked like when the piano fell. Ah, he wished he could have seen it.

His smile faltered as he stared back at the town. He was leaving forever. Now that he was dead, he could never come back.

But it was worth it. For Ed.

“I never should have left,” he said quietly, looking down. “I never should have left Ed. I was a coward.”

Stede missed him. From the moment he had left, he’d missed him. In fact, he missed him so much, he imagined he could hear Ed’s voice calling his name.

Then he looked up and saw a figure running toward him through the dust.

“Ed?” was all Stede had time to say before he was crushed in strong arms, wavy salt-and-pepper hair falling into his eyes, the momentum of the other man carrying them back a few steps.

“Stede!” said Ed, and for a moment, Stede couldn’t believe it.

Then he was hugging Ed back, and Ed and Stede were laughing and crying and holding each other like they would never let go.

“I’m so sorry for leaving,” Stede said, arms still wrapped tightly around Ed. “I’m so sorry.”

But when Ed pulled back, there was no reply, just deep brown eyes roving Stede’s face.

Stede wondered if maybe not all was forgiven. He couldn’t find the words to ask, so he said, “Did you see the spectacle? Back in town?”

Ed nodded once, still staring at Stede, taking him in with the desperation of a dying man drinking water.

“Did—did you like it?” Stede asked hesitantly, trying to smile confidently. “I thought it went quite well—”

And then Ed was kissing him, and butterflies burst to life inside Stede, making him lighter than air. Stede cradled Ed’s face, slowly rubbing his thumbs over the stubble growing there, and Ed melted into him.

Ed’s hands pulled Stede closer to him by the waist, and Stede went willingly, eagerly, kissing him again and again. He had never felt this way about anyone, had never had his heart be so thoroughly set on fire by a single person.

“Never leave,” begged Ed against Stede’s mouth.

Stede smiled and said, “You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

Stede kissed Ed then, with the passion of a star-crossed lover, and both of them knew that everything was going to turn out just fine.

---

~ The End ~

---

I loved Episode Ten and I just wanted to see it from someone else's point of view :) My insane OFMD brainrot hasn't gotten much better so there will likely be more content coming soon. And for anyone wondering, the monologue in Part One is part of Hamlet's "To Be or Not To Be" monologue.

Let me know what you thought! I also do writing commissions for this fandom and others. :)

Commissions - Ko-Fi - AO3

[izzy-b-hands]

@dianetastesmetal and I have been chatting abt DCI Ferguson as a cat (were he wizard cursed, he would be turned into a cat. search ur hearts, u know it to be true)

which led into what if Izzy had to deal with an animal onboard, his responsibility, but it's Cat Ferguson specifically?

This is that! And i think it turned out p darn adorable 🥰

---

"All you need to do is look after the cat "

Izzy nods. "Why me, exactly?"

"Because Frenchie trusts you to keep the beast under control," Ed replies. "Please. He's really honestly a bit upset, but we're getting paid to get this cat to where he needs to go, and it isn't as if he can row himself anywhere."

He stares at the grumpy-looking British Longhair. The cat stares back.

"Alright."

--

"Um."

"Yes?"

Ferguson is wrapped around his neck, legs on either shoulder, purring loud enough to be audible from nearly a foot away.

"I was going to ask you to help scrape barnacles," Lucius sighs. "But...oh."

He gives Ferguson a pet on the head, and leaves them without another word of the chore.

"You sure you want to leave, when we get near England? You don't have to. I mean, we're supposed to-"

Ferguson purrs loudly in his ear, as if to tell him to not even think about it.

"Alright. We'll figure that out later, but I think Mr. Roach mentioned making some treats for you-"

He fights back giggles all the way to the galley, at the cat apparently deciding to deafen him with purrs alone to keep him in line.

--

The longer he stays, the more Ferguson starts to settle in.

With Izzy, at least.

"Hey!" Pete swipes the air near Ferguson as claws sink into his ankle. "What? All because I passed by and didn't pet you?!"

"Told you there's a toll," Lucius says, gently patting Ferguson as he darts by. "And even then, depends on the day. I think he still likes us though."

"He's literally making me bleed, babe."

"Sometimes the people we like hurt us," Lucius says. "Gently pull his claws out and let's keep going. Stede won't wait that much longer for us."

"What does he even need?"

"Does it matter?"

Pete leans down, and more taps than pets the little furry knife hanging onto him. "I really gotta go. Sorry?"

The claws unhinge from him, and Ferguson jumps back up to the barrel he'd been sleeping on, to wait for the next person to dare to pass by.

--

"He's fine," Ed says softly. "I'm sure he i-"

A dark coloured blur of fur whizzes past his and Izzy's legs.

"See? There he is," Ed continues. "Was. For a minute. What's he doing anyway?"

"Rat!"

There's a splash, and they peer over the rail to find The Swede in the water.

"He's chasing a rat!" The Swede calls up. "I'll come back up when he's caught it!"

"It's just a rat!" Izzy shouts down. "Every ship you've been on has probably had them!"

"Iz," Ed hisses. "He'll never come back up now!"

"Tell him that rat is the only one on our ship!"

Ferguson trots past them again, growling.

"Might be the only one left if he keeps this up," Ed smiles. "Look! His paws are all bloody. Awww."

"Excellent little murderer," Izzy agrees, scooping the cat up. "You help us convince The Swede he's safe, yeah? Guard him from any rats."

Purrs and bloodstained biscuits being made on his shoulder seem to suggest that Ferguson is amenable to it.

--

"You're the one that sent a cat across the sea and didn't expect him to enjoy it more than land," Izzy says, Ferguson cradled in his arms. "Not really sure what you want us to do about that."

They've been trying to drop off Ferguson with his new caretaker, a young woman named Denise, for the better part of two hours.

Ferguson isn't making it easy.

"You know, I was warned about this," Denise says to Ferguson. "That you could be the most frustrating, irritating cat known to man."

She sighs. "That said...maybe something could be arranged. Might benefit myself as well, I've got more than enough going on right now."

"Family?" Stede asks. "I remember the early days with Mary, and-"

"Murder," Denise interrupts. "And worse, but that's none of your business."

Izzy bites back a smile. Stede was trying to be polite, he gets it, but he's no better than Izzy at reading the room for that.

Three hours later, after a brief discussion about the murder being investigated (Ed is the one to get Denise talking about the poor kid, Amy, and Izzy swears he can physically see the stress melt off of Denise as she vents), they head back for the ship.

With Ferguson, and a drawn up schedule of regular visits to Denise, "to make sure the grumpy old man is still doing well, chasing rats, enjoying the salt air", in his arms.