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bowlerhatwearer · 6 years

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Lost Guilt

One Shot by Bowlerhatwearer

Ghost Pupper/S,Snow by @stedilnik

Ervin Niedmüller by @bowlerhatwearer

Warning: Story involves: drug abuse, blood, semi strong language, death

Before this story starts I have, to avoid confusion say two things:

- Ervin speaks with a German Accent

- The paragraphs jump between first and third person narrative. With the exception of the last who is also written in third person.

Read to your own risk.

~~~~~~

“Shit” It’s the first thought that shoots in my brain, what a “great” way to start my morning. The sunlight blinds one of my eyes, something I tried under all circumstances to avoid but failed already in the moment when I didn’t close my with smoke and other substances ridden curtains. Not fully awake yet I get up, looking at myself it’s easy for me to notice and remember that I didn’t got out of my clothes that I wore since yesterday, no, since yesterdays yesterday. The mustard stain on my grey shirt reminds me of the date, I think.

Dry, like a plant that desires water since several months but is denied the liquid, that’s how I feel right now, or do I feel like this everyday? Since I went deeper down the never ending spiral my brain can’t make good connections any more, it is in a 24/7 hour mood. Like searching a needle in a haystack. During my walk to the bathroom I inhale the flavour of cold smoke, mostly from tobacco but also weed. Evidence from this claim are the cigarette packets next to some beer, medication bottles and some ends of self rolled joints. My next thought is as scrambled as myself, but I can only smile about it.

Cold, I forgot to turn on the boiler again didn’t I? A rhetorical question at this point, whatever, I can shower later, with my senses a bit more clearer I know now that I need to get out of the student apartment, but where to go? The park? The train station of this forsaken city? The woo- nearly automatically I clench my hands on the sink, breathing heavy, do I really want to go to this place? Really, especially today? It takes me a while, minutes probably, like my mind, my feeling for time is lost. I’m lost. The cold water helps my senses, my face confronts in the shining glass, I can only grin about the guy who meets me in the mirror.

A Cat, medium size with grey-black stripes, the fur is felted and dirty. Some pieces of it is in some places lighter or non-existent. Mostly because of scars or injection sites. Sometimes the healed injuries and cuts happened due of meaningless fights. The ember eyes are dull, or rather became dull with time, ridden with tear sacks and folds that a feline my age should not have. A soft smile reveals on the first sight nothing, but inspecting it closer one of my eye-teeth broke off a bit, it’s what you get when you mess with the wrong dealer.

“Miss Beauty Queen first price” the words, coming from my mouth sound more like croaking rather than speaking, from all the smoking I must’ve been getting hoarse.

Before I decide to leave my messed up bathroom I take some medicine bottles with me, mostly painkillers and sleeping pills, never hurts to have those.

My next station would be the kitchen, but I don’t feel hungry, since days, weeks or months I don’t feel it. Despite eating only one burger a day it feels as if I’m not loosing weight, maybe it’s due of the liqueur, I don’t know. With a single click on a button I look at the landline phone, despite not old at all it’s already ridden with three and a half cracks on the earpiece something that just happens if hit it with all force on the table.

Looking at the answering machine I notice that I have four absent calls.

All of them from my parents.

They still think I’m in law school, actually university, they put a lot of money into it and me.

Put a lot of money in a failure, a junky, a criminal.

A Murderer

I’m one, no I’m not, or am I? I’m not sure how you call someone like me?

Pulling out the last crumbs from my eyes I head to the door of my flat. It’s dramatic, a tragedy and I’m the protagonist of it. My parents believe I’m still the son they raised, still going to law school to become a “highly respected truthfully member of society, a lawyer” I became a victim of myself and drug abuse. That’s what I’m now. A well aware mistake, a failure, a slacker who still gets send money from his parents, despite thrown out of the university months ago, they just don’t know.

All of this, could’ve been prevented on that day, that one year anniversary. My one way ticket to oblivion and destruction.

Forgetting my self pity for a while I go down the stairs, I don’t greet anyone, say no word, just stomping down and further down the stairs, destiny, bus station. Which is not too far ahead from the building. Everyone I see on my way, I don’t recognise them really, they all became blurry one day, unimportant, they are like shadows to me.

I’m just in time for the bus, like me it has seen better days, the city is nice, but like many it lacks the money to buy new public vehicles, they still run the ones from the 60s, when there was this financial uprising, that later ended in quite highly debts and unemployment. The rust attacks the green lack, the leather seats ripped open by accident and or on purpose.

It doesn't bother me being a fare dodger here and there, if they throw me out I just walk the rest of the way.

The seats are nice, not because of their appearance, despite their age they can be comfy and warm, it makes me notice that despite sleeping 10 hours, I’m still tired, so tired, since the final stop is my destination, It doesn't matte, there is always time to sleep time away.

<...>

Knocking, buzzing, knocking and buzzing. It takes the cat a while to notice that it’s his hard-line phone and the door, not the pleasant dream he had that creates this order of sounds. Responding at first with a grunt and the thought to throw the old thing on the wall he rethinks it and tiredly answers, whoever desperately tries to call him. Looking down at the line-phone it’s easily for the feline to answer who is the desperate, or rather annoying caller since no one other he knew would call around this time.

“Snow, zats you?”

“Rise and shine morning cat, it’s already twelve you know.”

“Sorry, I-, I think I napped in vhen studying the...law about trespassing I zink?”

“Learning again tomcat? I thought your test was already last week?”

“Listen S, if you’re in law school every veek is a test, at least for me.”

“Dawww, poor kitty, you sure you don’t want to change the subject?”

“Nah, you know my goal, I vant to help those poor cases, it’s not their fault if they go down zis spiral, it’s most of the time a hard househo-, vhy are you calling me?”

“Oh you know, I’m done with my shift, Alponso is still working, I’m bored-”

“-you vant to hang out?”

“...”

“Danged S, vhere are you even right now?”

“Well, what would you do if my answer is at your door, trying to wake you up with calling and knocking.”

“GOD DAMIT!” the law student didn’t even bother if his neighbours heard him.

It was always the same with S, or Snow, that’s what he called the white furred short-hair dog with long black hair and as black eyes, she would just appear in front of his door or call him, bothering until he would say yes, and the worst of all, he always said yes, one the other side S gave him a change in the grey-black striped cats right now monotone live.

Opening the door as fast as if he was hunted by a pack of racing cars Ervin was greeted by a smaller as him, white dog girl who grinned unsure while greeting him with a short wave before she placed her new so called “mobile phone” in an as white as her fur was backpack.

He wasn’t sure if he should just throw the door right into her face or scream but decided to gave her too a hand sign meaning she should just step in, Ervin didn’t really bother that S, saw him in his olive green flannel pyjamas right now.

“You look se-”

“Nicht ein Wort S, Nicht ein Wort.” despite the words spoken out in German the dog understood clearly that her opponent in the door frame was not amused.

“Aww come on now, and don’t call me S, I’ve a name you know tomboy.”

“Well lets see, you come here vhenever you like, you raid my fridge and call me sometimes during my lessons, so...nein.”

“Killjoy, speaking of-”

“There’s a hamburger in my fridge, you can varm it up in the microwafe while I take a shower and change clothes.”

“And here I thought you would go out in that flannel stile, I heard it’s the newest trend.”

“Haha, you’re killing me S, more than I vish for.”

Showing her dog tongue plus blowing raspberry's the dog girl began to salvage for the said nutrient, that was according to the law student in his fridge.

“Oh and just to be sure-” half trough the door of the bathroom Ervin grabbed as fast as he could his wallet that still laid on the kitchen table

“So vee von’t have zhe accident like last time.”

“I told you it wasn’t me who drew the moustache and monocle on the license photo.”

Grumbling the door got closed and locked.

“How comes that your fancy pants of a roommate doesn't hafe time for you, on a Thursday afternoon?”

“Overtime, he seriously needs the money for the new fridge, the old ones busted and we still try to get out the smell of spoiled milk and rotten eggs.” the dogs voice got mixed with chewing and eating noises, and Evin was surprised that she didn’t choke on it by accident.

“Vell zat’s vat you get from a two day vacation, an unlucky surprise.”

Ervin began to shift his concentration on the sound of the first cold then warm water that soaked his fur, for a short time there was a relief, but that soon got overtaken by random thoughts of stuff he had to learn from law school, property law or what happens if a person goes missing and so one.

The grey striped cat was about to scream, school, aka university got so bad sometimes that he bought himself a package of sleeping pills and took already from time to time one.

On the one side S, her roommate and their friends bothered him, on the other hand the diversion probably saved his mind from succumbing to madness so he was kind of thankful for S, who was the first he met. Whilst she was on her shift, apparently S had the unlucky destiny to work late and Ervin had the unlucky destiny that most of his courses where late, meaning the time he bought himself some nutritions, may it be sometimes a whole menu or a simple lemonade where always when S was on the cash register. Apparently even an honour roll student like S had to pay bills, something Ervin was not aware of when he met the girl first.

Turning off the water tab he stepped out the shower and immediately began to dry himself with a towel and then his old but trustworthy fur dryer.

Out of the bathroom with a towel slightly above the waistline he noticed how S was about to eat the last remainder that there even was a burger, the lettuce leave.

“You know if you vould have moved to me instead of this ramshackle hut vee probably vould already have had a new fridge, premium efen.”

“Of kitty cat of course, and every time I can listen about how awful that last course was and the judge and the persecutor you read about didn’t knew anything about their job eh?”

“That really hurt you know” the voice playfully a bit down and spoken on purpose with his broken English.

Even if Ervin saw Snow sometimes annoying that would go on his nerves, and S saw the cat as a stuffed shirt that never knew when not to have the last word. They both had still one thing in common and that was not only being a Scorpio from their star sign, no, it was teasing and taunting the other until the very end. But booth did that with knowing the others metes and bounds and when to stop.

“You know, Adolpho IS really nice, I don’t know why you two have such a fuzz over each other.”

Walking into his bedroom he decided to wear something comfy, casual jeans, and a hoodie would do today, better than a shirt the cat thought. Of course Ervin wore also his trusty blue white striped trainers

“Hmm I don’t know maybe it’s oh I mean, him alvays saying how much vork he has to do I mean visouth question he has vork to do, but like, he’s not the only one. And zen his constantly bragging about the stuff he IS doing.”

“That reminds me of someone I and you know.”

“Oh please I’m completely different.”

“Uhhuh.” The cat didn’t have to look at the white dog, he knew her eyes where rolling, probably staring also in his souls at the same time given the cold he felt suddenly in his spine.

“Case closet, where do you vant to go anyvay?”

<...>

It was the announcement of the bus driver that woke me up, end of the line, looking out of the window It gave me a shudder, this whole place whenever I was only near from it, it gave me the chills, but I’ve already decided to be here so. I step out as soon as I can, taking the backdoors of the bus naturally, I’m not really excited to explain myself if the driver asks for a ticket I don’t have.

Those woods, the starting point of a never ending spiral of tiredness, depression and being someone who knows nothing at all, it’s like a noisy TV only showing static in my head once I begin to stroll into the woods, the leaves are green, autumn still a bit away.

Whenever I’m here, out in the forest, I don’t wander off random, no, I only search for this one place, that one building that always haunts me, it was a factory. Did it produce cement, textiles or motor parts, don’t know, don’t care, at least not anymore. The closer I come the more tired I feel, I’ve slept quite much in my, apartment that became more a personal purgatory to me than a safe heaven and in the bus I must've slept around 45 minutes, given that it’s the time from my apartment to this end station.

It-

Hm-

And there she is.

Her presence, even if I’m not looking at her direction, I can feel, she is here.

I think it’s a she, or is she an it and it a she? I don’t know, all I see is white, and black and the eyes, of course the eyes that do not exist.

Whatever it is which I don’t know, it follows me, from all the maths I did, I think “she” is an hallucination, happening of all the stuff I took.

Ohoho and I took plenty, looking at my arms prove that, they are full, full of sometimes big, sometimes small injection sites, some deeper and some not so deep cuts, bruises, scratches, fur that's burnt or about to fall out and of course patches, Iconic, that for such a miserable being that I am, it’s those bandages for children that I have all over my arms and especially the fingers, the only colourful thing on this murderer that I am.

And she, she watches me, sometimes close, sometimes far, in the mirror, in the glass, behind a three in my TV. Do I still own that? Didn’t I gave that former birthday present to a pawn shop for some quick bucks for some quicker wasted heroin?

Gray, once again, static in my head. I don’t know what she’s trying to tell me with her constant watching, heck, I don’t even know what my own brain wants to tell me most of the time. Once it wants this than that but most of the time it wants pills, drugs and liquor oh and tobacco.

Most of the time I ignore this white being that follows me with its hull dark and empty sockets with a small hint of red in it, at least that’s what I see there from time to time in the hollow orbs.

My throat begins to scratch and I let out a heavy cough, lately with the increase of my daily consume of certain substances it has gotten worse, but it’s a curse I have to life with, of course I could go and seek help, but why should I? I was the one who already destroyed one innocent life on this world, so why not another? Why not myself so I can make sure ‘it’ won’t happen again, the murderer that murders himself, quite poetic isn’t it?

The more I come closer to the building, the more it aches me. On one side my body rejects what I give it, on the other it seeks, it demands the chemicals, the pills, tobacco and alcohol I put into myself, sometimes even so much, that I do not care for others, It’s not uncommon that I have to search for a new dealer after an “episode” of mine.

As good as I can, this old cat ignores this white, being, this ghost or illusion or hallucination or perhaps better this sickness of lost guilt that is haunting me for whatever reason, the pictures and memories are unclear about everything. I only know I did something, my mind rejects the clear pictures, only sometimes I see it but can’t make the dots, then I forget it was even there.

When I see her, well, sometimes I greet her, or I try to talk, but she’s mute, I can’t her a thing if she tries to communicate with me or something, and then her stare.

Yes those haunting black hollow sockets of infinite darkness that watch me with judgement of the sins I’m guilty as charged for, but I’m innocent, they made me innocent but I’m guilty, I’m for something guilty I don’t know I’m guilty for a crime I have forgotten, the murderer with drug forced amnesia, what a joke I am.

I reach the building, finally, it felt like aeons to be able to step into it, there is one thing about this old pile that we have in common, we are ruined and about to fall apart, we just don’t know the exact time nor date when it comes against us. When nature reclaims what we took from her.

Since when this building has been crafted, used and then abandoned, I cannot say, but its designed purpose it has long exceeded. I’m not the only lost one who apparently wanders here around from time to time, even if it’s not my most favourite spot.

Syringes, old tablet splitters, bottles and cans of alcoholic beverages are only a few of the messes that have been left around, someone even had the determination to bring a mattress here into the second floor of this factory building.

Which is not the reason why I’m going up there, no by far not, more because whilst I actually am not a friend of this place I’ve hidden quite a stash here. Some drugs to swallow together with the sleeping pills and painkillers should do a good trip.

Letting out a hoarse chuckle I continue my walking, there are graffiti over graffiti everywhere in this building, black, blue, red, neon green it’s a play of colours drawn on a falling depressed canvas, a wall that once it breaks down takes the art with it. I don’t care for their meaning, I can’t even take care of myself, I don’t know anything about me anymore, sometimes I’m asking myself if the knowledge I have about myself are real or something I’ve dreamt, I do know who I was, but do I really? Since that day, that marks the anniversary today where everything was gone and broke down...who can I trust if not even myself?

When the medicine, my medicine by my orders not by a doctor are helping me, it lets me see the world like how I want to take it, not cold, grey, careless and depressed but artificial warm, a place of colours I haven’t seen for quite a time now, it lets me see the truth. The only colour I really care for is from those bandages for children, I don’t know why, but they are like one of the only things that are being in order in this broken, corrupted mind that’s engulfed in numbness.

After the last step on the crumbling concrete stairs being made I take my time to breath and look around on the second floor, there is a small balcony there, I can only guess it got probably used more for smoke breaks than to look at the view, looking down you would see a still semi intact inner yard with a concrete floor that got a bit torn open by mother nature. The metallic handrails are trough and trough overtaken and or eaten away by the rust.

I’m tempted to go out there, looking at the sky and just, let my thoughts going around but, heh, I really need to find that stash of mine and secondly she’s out there too...at least that’s what I think, I do wonder, who she was that she is tormenting me like that.

Hiding stuff was never really something I was good at but, no one would really suspect a stash of my special tablet shaped drugs hidden under an old typewriter, to my luck they stayed dry and there is no mouldiness on them either. I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t I became what I wanted to defend, but I need it, to get myself together, if only for a moment, to see the unseen that I want to see but at the same time not, my mind is scrambled like an egg and as fried as a potato. Normally you take those alone, but I don’t mind mixing them up with a bunch of painkillers and sleeping pills. It’s going to be a pretty strong cocktail I’m taking here, leaving me an extra sour and bitter taste in the mouth since I had the “grandiose” idea not to take a bottle of water with me, or at least a juice box.

I think, I think this is even the strongest yet I took, needless to say I’m excited but at the same time ignorant of what will come. My hands are shacking and I begin to scratch myself again like I did so often before on this place, I’m worried about this but the best is now, to remain calm and to rest a bit before my prime time begins. I see her now outside of the room she is watching me, watching me all the time with those dark hollow eyes. The eyes, it’s the last I see before my body puts itself to rest, for now.

<...>

“And the vorst of all of zhis is that- what is this place anyway S?”

“Uhm, I think it was an ammunition factory that closed down after WWII, but it also could also have been a soap manufacture, don’t know, don’t really care either.” looking at him with her tongue stretched out Ervin let out a sigh in the white furred dogs direction.

“Wunderbar, so vhen I step on a landmine I can-”

“Ervin, what did you say before, you wanted to tell me more about Germany.”

“Did I? Na wo war ich-… yes, I vanted to say that vee can’t even visit my relatives in the GDR any more because of my mothers paranoia.”

“Why, is she scared of the east? Scared that they will fire a nuke at her home?”

“Well given zat her uncle got shot near the vall and due of my fathers position she’s afraid that zee Stasi would let us in, pack us up and vee vould never see the daylight again.”

“Oh...and what does your father say about that?”

“Eh, he’s too busy to argue vith her, as a prosecutor he’s most of the time in his ehm...place where he works, you know vhere they are also holding trials, it’s called “Gericht” in German, damn I chould know this!”

“You mean a court?”

“That’s the vord! Most of zee time he has cases vith people that don’t pay their traffic tickets, how boring!”

But to all honestly, the striped cat felt the same right now, he wasn’t bored about being in the woods and near the old factory, no that was quite, interesting, but all the studying and learning was boring, perhaps he should’ve studied something different. But then there was that other thought about how he wanted to help the people with drug addictions when they faced judgement and trials. Since that day he saw those teenagers, sometimes a bit younger that himself there at the railway station in “Berlin Zoologischer Garten” But of course that meant he had to learn, what he did and tried as good as he can, he learned and learned and learned and-

“Say from where are you anyway, I mean yes West-Germany but where exactly from?”

“Huh, wa- uh from Saarland, the youngest state in West-Germany, then we, moved to Berlin. Honestly I’m glad vee didn’t got to be part of zee French-”

Reaching the old factory, Ervin made an abrupt stop of what he wanted to say, despite being in the woods and despite it already corroding and slowly taken over by wildlife and plants it was still a very impressive building.

“Many junkies or homeless are there but only at night, I never encountered anyone here, only saw the syringes and some stuff there together with a mattress on the second floor.”

Stepping inside the shadowy building with graffiti on the walls there was only one question for the law student.

“How come zat an honour student chooses this as her sanctuary instead of a library?”

Touching one of the said walls that was marked with the all to well known sentence “F*ck the police” and an Anarchy symbol together with a sign of peace the white dog turned around and the black but very much full of live looking eyes met the striped cat ember ones.

“Because it’s full of art!”

Spinning around with her arms spread the cat examined the room they stood in before letting out a sigh.

“And drugs and dirt and rats probably...”

Like as if he was given her a wrong answer to a question to a teacher that was never asked in the first place, her eyes went from happy and hopeful, how she looked most of the time and how Ervin knew her, to a not angry or disappointed but rather annoyed with a hint of sadness.

“Did I-”

“Why are you so mopey?!”

She did not scream at him at all, but the slight raise in her tone made Ervins mostly tired eyes went wide and he stared at her for a few seconds, processing the question she just asked him loud and clearly. Of course he knew the answer and he wanted to tell her, but he was tired, so god forsaken tired. As if he was having a headache, which slowly came to be he touched his forehead before exhaling a bit of air.

“You said on the second floor vas a mattress, lets go, I’ll tell you zere.”

S showed him the way by taking the stairs first, and whilst she did it with ease for him it felt like a trial as if every step was two metres high. Talking about here and there was easy, but talking about himself and his troubles beside the stress he gets trough learning, nearly impossible but here he was.

The mattress wasn’t, like he expected in best shape and full of unknown stains, but since it didn’t smell like piss or other extreme fluids he didn’t mind sitting on it.

“Why are you always so, so tired and grumpy and stuff Ervin? Is it me?”

“No, no,...So, you vant to know why I’m so mopey since like for veeks.”

She nodded

“And I don’t think any kind of deal makes you forget that question?”

She shook her head.

“Ok, ok that’s bad but fine, you know, zat super hard exam I had, that vas really important for zis semester?”

“Yes I remember, you locked yourself into your flat for nearly two weeks if not more and everyone thought you died so we called the landlord.”

“Heh-” the striped cat got more silent “-...I-I bombed it.”

“Oh”

“I mean the professor is giving me anozer chance, others failed too, but zat is the day after tomorrow, a-and I know I learned for it hard like the last time and I know I should know the answers, but If I don’t, o-or if he asks different questions. I-I don’t want to redo this semester, I’ve already planned everything for summer because of that part-time job zat I do f-for six veeks.”

Burying his face into his own hands the cat let out a painful sigh, he was done, done with everything and of course he had to open up about it.

“And I know you vant me to be on that party on the very same day, I know socializing vould be good for me and that you mean it well but, I can’t, I vant to but I can’t, even once I have done that retry, I’m a broken mess and probably...zum Aufstreichen and what if I have to re-do the semester and my parents have to pay more than intended? I don’t know vhat to do S, I’m sorry for being such a mess...of a friend.”

For a moment, it wasn’t probably long but for him it felt like eternity before he felt a slight pressure on the left shoulder.

“As if it’s the only party in this month, so what once you pass it you’ll be on the next.”

“I promised it to you, I promised to be there before you and start socializing.”

“So what, since when is it forbidden to postpone a promise? What counts is that you’re holding it the next time. Do that exam and write an A plus, plus and double plus.”

Once the cat swiped away with one of his sleeves what he refused to call tears he looked at Snow who looked at him with her friendly smile that even could burn a hole in the hearth of the coldest person living on earth.

“I promise, I’ll be zere, tell me date and time and I’ll be zere for you on that party, talking and laughing with at least ten people and one of those red cups in my hand.”

“There you are, I mean you don’t have to overdue it but don’t forget that a promise is a promise.” she playfully wagged with her index finger in union with her tail.

“I’ll be there waiting for you, a promise is a promise.” and spoke it out to his own surprise, without a hint of accent.

<...>

There was no other party, neither with her nor him and that day, it was the last time he saw her.

The fingers shook, the cat was trembling like as if on such a warm day in June it had minus fifteen Celsius. On the one side it was the strong mix of drugs and medicine that brought him into this state, on the other, it was his mind, he saw it all, once again what he tried so often to repress with drugs. He saw what he wanted to forget, he saw it all again and again. For a moment he still laid there in his fetal position sweating from all pores, his eyes fast going from left to right , right to left and bloodshot.

When he woke up, that next day, that one after the party, one year ago it must have been, she was gone, he called and called but she, no S, Snow, she did not answer and then, yes then It must have been only a day or earlier, there she was, found, stabbed as if she was Julius Caesar, and her eyes removed like some sort of ritual murder. The culprit never found and brought to justice of course. And whoever the being was that did it to her, it had to be a being made out of pure sadistic intention, so bad her body looked, found in hers and Alphs home.

Weakly he gets up but not without holding on the wall where all of the paint was already faded away. He needed air, just a bit of fresh air, that was all that Ervin thought he needed right now.

Ervin himself was aware that due of his sometimes strange acting people might have assumed that he was the culprit of this perverse crime, so he wasn’t surprised when her former roommate had his suspicion against him. Alph, oh he didn’t took it easy either, he nor Ervin. But with time and countless interrogations it became clear that the striped cat was innocent and so was Alph.

It was a tragedy of invaluable measures and whilst everyone who knew her where mourning over their lost friend, there was also the relieve, that not Ervin or Alph was responsible that S was never seen alive again and what they all had to accept once the time passed, that she was gone, the beautiful smile the honour roll student had, forever erased from existence.

Everyone began, even slowly and painfully to move on, everyone except the cat, he wasn’t there, he should've gone with her, protected her to make sure this wouldn’t have happen, but he didn’t, he did his exam bravo then slept deep and tight trough the abduction of the person who the feline called good friend. He learned and learned and learned for a position that never was his to begin with and as a reward it took someone very close from him. And for that he screamed, cried and let his emotion take over the rational, until it was over and he a broken mess beyond repair.

Alph and the others talked with each other, got their help as a group they needed but Ervin, he began to become what he never wanted to be, once again he was a shut-in but with cigarettes, then alcohol followed by pills and weed and then the harder stuff, he isolated himself, he wasn’t guilty, in the eyes of the law or Snows friends there he was innocent, but in his own eyes, he might have had lost his guilt, but it was still there, eating him from the inside until nothing would’ve been left, but now here he was looking in shock and quite disgusted when he looked at the injection sides he did to himself and the barely and or poorly covered scratches that came with the stuff he took.

The messed up cat ran in his paranoia, his head and throat ached. Like a fountain of bad emotions his head was filled damping his other thoughts and senses making him feel as if he was about to suffocate.

Once again he saw this apparition of her, this illusion, dream, thought, drug inflicted piece of memory, ghost or demon, he wasn’t sure what it was but whatever it might have been that resembled like a death black holes instead of eyes having Snow he just ran past her to the old run-down concrete balcony with the rusty handrail that got enlightened by a slowly orange for this day vanishing sun announcing the night that was soon to come.

Anyone would’ve now expected tiredness or a silent standing man but the only witnesses, the birds around the facility, the bugs floating around in the mild summer warmth or the other animals that decided to step near the building got engulfed in a scream, mixed with sadness, pain, shock, anger, confusion, disillusion and regained memories followed by a violent, strong and careless shaking of the rusty iron where a guilt ridden Ervin cut his hands slightly due of the poorly aged metal that engulfed his as poor exposed skin.

It did barely anything to fight back against the former law student defenceless it took his shaking and later kicking before it came to a sudden end. His whole body felt unstable, he sweated, the drugs that got stretched by their creators with bleach and washing agent to use less of the actual stuff did their job together with a mind as fragile as crystal glass, the mind wanted to cry, but the rest of the body was too reluctant or too tired to fulfil this needed request. Still standing the cat turned its bag from the innocently bashed handrail and leaned on it, taking medium deep breaths of air in and out, in and out again and again.

When this thing, this creation of insanity and desperation that tried to resemble Snow, the dog he had known and seen alive one year ago approached him it happened slowly, and he, Ervin, he just watched. The long black hair, the white fur, once she looked normal. Then from one second to another a mangled, tortured, messed up, injured, probably raped and half skinned creature with sockets that lost their organs of visions who now where dark black infinite deep orbs with white dots approached him, naked of course with de furred breasts, exactly how the body was found in her own home, only a few knew it, only a few was told what was done to her in only a few hours of full torture.

But Ervin did by all logic not move and inch, he stayed there pressing his back with all his anger and sadness against the rusty metal and waited, if this apparition wanted his demise, he would not run away, or ignore it once again like he did so often, what good would if do to not face his own fears or the reality that was cruel but truthful he knew the facts and she did too, if he would’ve been there on this faithful day which was able to ruin his past, present and future, everything would be normal, and by all chances better. But it was not, and here he was, waiting for judgement, and it never came.

The being that resembled the canine he once knew just stood there in silence, and every time he blinked it felt as if her appearance would change, but always with a monotone expression that told him nothing of this being. To say that his eyelids and libs together with the fingers trembled and shook as if it was the coldest winter since 37 years was an understatement, but here he was the words he tried to form turning out to be pure gibberish. It took him a minute and around forty-five seconds until he was able to form the sentence he searched for.

“I-Im sorry S, I’m sorry, for m-” and in that second, before finishing the slowly, raspy and weakly spoken out sentence something gave up.

It was not the appearance that encountered him here on the old balcony

It was not his own brain cells who for god knows how long where finally able to make a clear sentence.

No, it was the atoms, the molecules of the metal that was exposed to water and air that with over forty years without any maintenance broke apart, and thus the handrail fell down together with the leaning cat.

In the short time frame between falling from the balcony that was set on the quite high second floor of the building and reaching the concrete floor that awaited patiently his blackhead to hit and crush on it. Time was nearly to not present, everything was slower than any slow motion effect in any film he had ever seen.

And just in this unfortunate moment and event in his live where he watched in pure shock above, where it, the dog ghost that resembled S looked down from the balcony to him falling, the cocktails of different pills and drugs kicked in.

The first thing he noticed that changed his view of reality in this bittersweet time was that the sky took another turn, it looked a bit like cotton, mixed with some new modern lemonade that looked as if a leprechaun barfed into it, the stars that during this time shouldn’t by all accounts not viewable flashed like small disco lights and turned around left and right making the whole sky appear like one gigantic kaleidoscope that once in a while got moved. It was fascinating but not the only part of his self inflicted trip that dulled and hulled the unpreventable truth of his demise.

When without any intention too look away from the sky his head moved a bit he was able to have a closer glimpse to the concrete ground that suddenly filled his ears with the sound of stones breaking apart. As if time was moving thousands of times faster, which only counted for the ground the concrete got big cracks and grass sprouted out of the ground that began to touch and hugged him like a soft cloud or down blanket, next to the grass flowers appeared and more and more of the building began to disappear and be replaced with flora. Like as if the accomplishments of his kind meant nothing to anyone and were taken over, no, rather reclaimed by mother nature itself.

There was no sound when he fell into the grass no cracking bones or nerves that got cut or crushed, no organs pressed against his bones and no breath that left his body. Looking around he noticed how around his head formed a lake of a fluid that was as shiny and colourful as a rainbow and with a slight touch on his nose, he noticed how the same fluid ran out of his nose, ears and a bit out of his mouth too. He was, despite being caught in a trip, very well aware what actually was happening and what this liquid actually was, but he wouldn’t and most especially couldn’t care less what happened. He felt numb, none of his limps wanted to work any more, they where tired, so tired and only wanted to rest, a long deserved rest that they requested after one hard year of torture and pain created by their own nerves, mind and decisions.

He wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt like some kind of “numb darkness” that whilst for now was only a weak presence felt as if it was going to grow stronger with time, but it was not the only presence near him.

S, the real one, at least if felt like the real honour student looked down to his face one he hasn’t seen what felt like centuries, it was not the emotionless face that sometimes he even interpreted as angry, it looked as if it had non ill meaning to him quite sad actually, perhaps feeling a bit of pity of his continuing demise. Stuttering a bit, but not like the last time he was able to form a whole sentence within seconds.

“H-hey do not cry Snow, it’s b-better like this, imagine me to die in a ditch in zee cold and dark heh.” as much as he did not want to but the smile he put up for some seconds was lost.

“There is only one regret I have S, zat I lost my guilt, no one blames me, I’m innocent by law but I’m guilty, I did zis, If I chould’ve been there, it’s zere zis lost guilt that consumed and fed on my, it chouldn’t be there, but here it still was and it still is. I-I understand if you can’t forgive me Snow, I vouldn’t either. I-”

His vocal chords suddenly stopped, but it was neither due of his blood loss nor the damaged brain or nerves, perhaps it was the drugs, perhaps the cracked mind he did not know nor could he care, but maybe it was really her who spoke to him, he did not know. Her voice, it felt like hers, but more soft and serious how it told him that there was no guilt to begin with, how she can not forgive him since there is nothing to be forgiven, that it is not his fault that it came to this, that it was not him who murdered her that it was her who felt sorry for him and that it was him, who should not be in such a position.

Ervin was speechless, and not only due of the increasing numb darkness that engulfed him more and more, it was rather more of the dam in his mind that finally breached and allowed him to cry, like the colourful liquid his tears ran down like a new formed river in a terrain.

“T-tha-ank you.”

The numb darkness had nearly covered his whole vision by now, but Ervin was still able to see the white furred dogs face and how he slowly spoke those two words with his cold feeling lips

“S, Snow-”

Looking up to him, face to face to his friend, he wasn’t sure if this happened really or a trick in his decaying mind but it felt very real in those merely seconds he had.

“-wherever I land, wherever the road takes me, wherever I go, I’ll be there waiting for you , a promise is a p-promise...S.”

Those last words, as if they had a function of some higher realm coated him completely into this numb darkness, both his mind and body, but for once, since many months, since many days and nights and since the many hours, minutes and seconds of this one year he had been trough, he was able to feel a naturally warmth.

<...>

On this evening in June 1987 many things happened

On this evening in June 1987 fireflies flew around in the grass and woods to be caught by young and old.

On this evening in June 1987 sundrops and primroses began to open to show their beautiful pedals

On this evening in June 1987 crickets tuned their music together with croaking frogs in union

On this evening in June 1987, Ervin Niedmüller died with his guilt being lost.

~~~~~~

Tagging again: @stedilnik

With friendly greetings

The Bowlerhatwearer

#Story #Story written by me #Fanfiction #fanfic #TW:Death #TW:Drug Abuse #TW:Blood #stedilnik #Bowlerhatwearer #Ghost Pupper #One Shot #OS #Writing #Dark Theme

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