#still working on this playlist but it's got the essentials. these tracks. house of the rising sun. spirit in the sky. sympathy for the devi

[direwombat]

a wip music monday

tagged by: @socially-awkward-skeleton, @fourlittleseedlings, @cassietrn, and @inafieldofdaisies to share some music inspiring my wips!

got a few that have been hitting hard recently for katc, all of which are classic americana (ie, some classic rock and blues music) on my newest katc playlist (don't ask how many i have). lyrics +e xplanations under the cut

Where the road is dark and the seed is sowed Where the gun is cocked and the bullet's cold Where the miles are marked in the blood and the gold I'll meet you further on up the road Got on my dead man's suit and my smilin' skull ring My lucky graveyard boots and a song to sing I got a song to sing, it keeps me out of the cold And I'll meet you further on up the road Further on up the road, further on up the road Where the way dark and the night is cold One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know And I'll meet you further on up the road Now I've been out in the desert, just doin' my time Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign If there's a light up ahead, well brother I don't know But I got this fever burnin' in my soul Further on up the road, further on up the road Further on up the road, further on up the road One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know And I'll meet you further on up the road

*just a really good syb song tbh. i like to think of this as an anthem for her during that weird phase of her relationship with jacob where she's still on the side of the resistance and starting to break, but she hasn't quite gotten there yet. she's still got a journey to go through, but she'll meet jacob there eventually...further on up the road <3

Whoa, thought it was a nightmare Lord, it's all so true They told me, don't go walking slow The devil's on the loose Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Whoa, don't look back to see Thought I heard a rumblin' Calling to my name Two hundred million guns are loaded Satan cries, "Take aim" Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Whoa, don't look back to see Over on the mountain, thunder magic spoke Let the people know my wisdom Fill the land with smoke Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Better run through the jungle Whoa, don't look back to see

*i just have such a strong mental image of how i would use this song as a cold open/intro if katc was a tv series and i DESPERATELY want to make an MV as if it were. but just imagine syb running through the whitetails, trying to shake her tail of Chosen and Judges, meanwhile jacob is tracking her through the scope of his sniper rifle and the second syb loses her tail and takes a breath, jacob has her lined up in the crosshairs. the screen goes dark with the sound of gunfire and as the song trails off, the title card "kneeling at the crossroads" in serif font fades in.

and just to satisfy the rule of three's, here's one more:

There's something happening here But what it is ain't exactly clear There's a man with a gun over there Telling me I got to beware I think it's time we stop Children, what's that sound? Everybody look, what's going down? There's battle lines being drawn Nobody's right if everybody's wrong Young people speaking their minds Getting so much resistance from behind It's time we stop Hey, what's that sound? Everybody look, what's going down? What a field day for the heat (Ooh ooh ooh) A thousand people in the street (Ooh ooh ooh) Singing songs and they carrying signs (Ooh ooh ooh) Mostly say, "Hooray for our side" (Ooh ooh ooh) It's time we stop Hey, what's that sound? Everybody look, what's going down? Paranoia strikes deep Into your life it will creep It starts when you're always afraid Step out of line, the men come and take you away

*less syb specific, and more a song for hope county (or the resistance as a whole) kind of wondering to themselves "jesus christ, how did we let things get this bad?"

tagging: @trench-rot, @harmonyowl, @carlosoliveiraa, @purplehairsecretlair, @aceghosts, @adelaidedrubman, @madparadoxum, @voidika, @locustandwildhoney, @testyfestyenthusiast, @strangefable, @alexxmason, @deputyash, @josephslittledeputy, and anyone else with some music inspiring their wips! (taglist opt in/out)

[effyeffa]

a comprehensive list of (almost) all of my spotify playlists, sorted by theme

category 1: a bit of everything.

every feeling everywhere all at once opened by brian eno, closed by mitski, in between an eclectic mix of everything to scream cry and dance to  essentials. as the title suggests this is the music that makes up the foundation of my identity. funkadelic, air, spiritualized, y la bamba, weyes blood etc etc multitudes: similar idea but older. more hip hop in there, a little time capsule of 2017

seasonal playlists: these are closed chapters that won’t be altered

forbidden fruit february. self explanatory. aquarius season is for yearning and getting messy, thanks fiona apple idlings of march is when spring begins again, just barely but there’s a careful joy spreading. joyful tunes! this must be the place! spring has sprung and continues springing. instrumental interludes as standalone songs, everything sounds like water. the time that we wasted just hit like a wave begin again, another spring playlist. this time with childish gambino, laura marling, hayley williams, guns’n’roses, the classic combo april flowers. short and sweet, alice phoebe lou meets car seat headrest slowly come the saints of summer. do you remember when st vincent said daddy’s home well i made a whole playlist about it. mika is in there. genuinely no idea what was going on that summer. never ending summer, this IS the season of the witch. we love a strange mix of oldies and french and german new wave  i can’t believe summer is over and oh it’s so sentimental, it’s a cherry-coloured funk winter walking. it’s giving phoebe bridgers in the graveyard, mountain goats, springsteen, mother mother winter fruits: the first big thief singles off their latest album came out and sent me down this particular spiral. frankie cosmos and mitski, niche italian indie pop

playlists i still edit/add to, first: good moods.

still you. skinshape, biig piig, kadhja bonet, julia jacklin autobahn, a roadtrip playlist, best friends laughing, mostly italian 70s/80s many moons ago: it’s pop! it’s happy things! silly goofy times golden hour! an old one. started this in 2018, sylvan esso was big, king krule, her’s, clairo will you always love like this? dream pop. lesbianism. st south.  everyday’s a holiday: okay kaya and rex orange county, steve lacy vibes maybe i wasn’t there: kendrick, dijon, rosalía come on over & do the twist. they’re love songs. aching with nostalgia but happy coffee in bed is teetering on the edge between a lovely warm soup of emotions and desperate yearning clear the fog is where the yearning begins in earnest.

moody moods.

free drinks at the local bar, we’ve got mac demarco, the strokes, girlpool. you know the drill take me for a spin: something of a continuation of free drinks a few years later now including sam cohen, kevin morby. sad-ish music that still works if played in public ring: odes to being happysad on public transport in berlin, short and sweet peel you like a fruit. THEE playlist of psychological warfare.  i would be an electrician: if you enjoy julien baker’s happy to be here, the following ten tracks might do similar damage to your psyche  no more bad news from my jorja smith phase, also greentea peng, arlo parks gloomy. it’s the end of the world, sharon van etten said, and love is a losing game, and there’s stormy weather and love will tear us apart.  calm there’s definitely a flatsound track in there. be warned.  

and here’s three completely new ones, works in progress, not yet categorised:

touch. a very specific moment in time. listening to beach house and rhye with all my friends on a big couch, drifting off together, crying a little, holding on tightly all the in between: the only place that matters is by your side, mama you’ve been on my mind, only the strong survive, don’t think twice it’s alright. songs that transcend time and space transitional. seeing angels in everything

already this post is way too long. i have so many playlists, my god. i have a whole folder sorted by genre, one by decade, more by concepts and themes. i’m currently sorting through everything and thought i’d share my process, maybe you’ll find something for yourself new in my chaos :)

[colorisbyshe]

I really love Mitski, Wsshing Machine Heart and Nobody are very special to me :3. I also really love Strawberry Blonde & Me and my husband. I enjoy Conan Grey a lot, Comfort crowd is one of my faves. I also like Space Girl, by Frances Forever, Say so by Doja Cat. I also LOVE Do It by Chloe x Halle. Way Down by MØ. Also Janelle Monae.

A lot of the music on my playlists are very 'soft' and im looking for something harder, and I'm not really sure how to describe it. I did hear a BT/S song and liked the general vibe, but i dislike the band bc ive heard theyre very antiblack, but i do like what I heard so far so im pretty interested in kpop as a genre :)

Okay so some of this music I had to listen to for the first time, but I got you. Sort of. I'm taking all of this music into consideration at once because you cast a fairly broad net and I don't want to get too bogged odwn in going X Song of Mine = Y Song of yours.

I just scrolled through all my music by artist so uh

this got long

i;m sorry

Physical by The Aces, kinda poppier than you listed but still some gay girls making some indie pop-rockish music

Maybe try Runner by Alex G. I haven't listened to much Conan Grey so maybe I thought of this song when you mentioned him

Start It Up by Alex Mali, very sliick R&B with ethereal vocals. Check out the rest of this EP, tbh

Lovergirl by Andrea Valle is a bit more wavey but I think if you like Chloe X Halle this is... adjacent to that that but a bit more experimental

Lark by Au Revoir Simone has some of that sad girl crying on a synth vibe

Un Village by Baekhyun is Kpop, is both hard and soft, but has a focus on vocals that i see across your music taste

Maybe Fire Escape by Beach Bunny?

Actually I'm going through my music alphabetically and let me say if you like Chloe X Halle please listen to like... all of Beyonce's discography. She is like... the OG. I give you no specific song... just... explore, enjoy

Motospeed 24 by Bibi--she's kpop but more R&B inspired and has a lot of that vocal work I think you'll like. She can get dark and gritty

Your Light by The Big Moon, kinda poppy, kinda guitary. Pleasant

Luna by Bombay Bicycle Club--something you're less likely to stumble on as it's a bit older but it has the kinda poppy, indie rocky sound. This one is more of a reach

Forgive Me by Boa. I wanted to put Boa somewhere,because she's essential kpop me, and this is her song that feels the most "hard" BTS to me. Not a track that's indicative of most of her discography though

Just... all Bree Runway. Start with Somebody like You or All Night, which are more immediately in your wheel house

Western Wind by Carly Rae Jepsen, listen to the entire album this is from

Welcome to my Island by Caroline Polachek

HWA by CL is a bit harder kpop. Is dancier than previous kpop listing on this track

Stressed by Doechii, again more of the R&B stuff but she's GOOD. If you like this, also check out Persuasive

BOCA by Dreamcatcher, they do a lot of "harder" kpop but also have softer vocals as contrast.

An obviously Mitski-adjacent rec is Crush by Ethel Cain

Alternative to BTS: Exo!!! IDK what BTS song you liked, so it's hard to give direct alternaives but try: Monster, Tempo, The Eve, and I think Overdose is essential listening for them

I already forgot what the Conan Grey song you linked to sounded like, which makes this a bad rec based off it, but try back again by flor

MØ did a song with foster the people (blur, good song). Foster the people is one of my fave bands. None sound quite like way down but maybe try Pick U Up. Sit Next to Me is one of their song with the widest general appeal.

Undo by Heize. More kpop that isn't hard but I think based off your interest in Chloe x Halle... AND Doja Cat... thi sis a good middle place

Layin Low by Hyolyn. Sounds more like western R&B but... kpop

Be Mine by Infinite. NGL this has nothing to do with any of your songs, I just think it's essential kpop. The Chaser might be a closer BTS alternative

If you like Janelle Monae, make sure you don't miss her collab with Jidenna "Yoga." Telling a man to bend over... yes Janelle I love you

More by K/DA is a bit "harder"

Come In by Kai, I think based on your Conan Grey + Kpop interest, this might hit for you

Red Moon by KARD is a bit harder kpop, they have harder tracks but the instrumental here (and in a lot of their songs) has connective tissue with the song way down you mentioned

IDK what BTS song you listened to, so, again, Gasoline by Key is maybe the song I could more easily correlate with them. But Key is an eSSENTIAL kpop listen, so if you don't like this track, try others! Throw a dart at any track, it's good

This is a shot in the dar... by try Bedroom Eyes by The Knocks & The STudio Killers. Or look into any of The Knocks collabs with foster the people like their collab "ride or die"

LUNA from f(x) did a cover of "Say So" but her best song is "Free Somebody" which doesn't sound much like say so but give it a shot!

I feel like if you haven't heard much music, you probs don't know Marina, which is PROBABLY for the best, btu she was like... filling the void Mitski would later fill. Her older stuff is good. I am not a robot might be a nice place to start.

Another shot in the dark... try River by Mattis

All In by Monsta X is harder kpop and reminds me of what older BTS aspired to be. Try Shine Forever and Miss You a well

This is ALSO out of left field... try Heaven's Only Wishful by Mormor. Softer and different than the music you posted, but I think it's on the periphery of your taste and amybe you'll want to explore

Dark Doo Wop by MS MR comes to mind when I think of Mitski and idk why. Try it out

Listen to Come by Namie Amuro. It's jpop and it doesn't SOUND like say so but I think it taps into some of the asme energy.

This is Why by Paramore. Jump into Paramore's new album and celebrate with us all as it comes out soon!

Going by the MO inclusion, try out PVRIS. Just try a song or two from each album. Maybe start with Death of Me.

1-800-MLKYWAY by Rakiyah. She also has more Korean heavy tracks liek Like You or The Invitation.

I can't think of what Red Velvet track to rec to you just know that they are the pinnacle of kpop to me

One on 5 by Rico Nasty. Don't know why the way down track makes me think of htis but here we are

Same for Red Velvet: I think of Shinee as some of hte best kpop has to offer. Don't Call Me might be the most BTS-adjacent but isn't the best they have by a long shot. Listen to their song "View" and if you like that, I can rec you more

Listen to Jopping by SuperM i fyou want to be up to date on Kpop Memes because this one never dies but I prefer theri song I can't Stand the Rain

Idea by Taemin (a member of both Shinee and SuperM) goes pretty hard

If you liked the Tiger Woods track I mentioned in the last ask before, also try Mean Girls by her

Naturally by Tinashe, her entire 333 album really

im just rly into no one does from love by tove lo rn, check it out

you'll run into a lot of twice songs if you get into kpop, get loud is one of my fave less common ones

Scentist by Vixx is better than most BTS songs. Error is great too.

Try the WOnder Girl's album "Reboot." I have a suspicion about this

and i went overboard but i think that's it. i got distracted a lot doing this sorry

[frankbedbroken]

frankcore april 2024 update!!

monthly playlist, monthly post, sorry i'm too twitterpilled and i tend to be stingy with reblogs here idk. anyhow, this month's update is even more guitar music heavy than the last one, and i can't say i'm very happy about it!!!!! (/lh /hj i'm just mad because i spent years shitting on rock while simultaneously listening to rock and other adjacent genres and now people can call me out for it) it also doesn't help that this is my messiest month in terms of structure of the playlist and track selection, though there are some patterns in here.

for one, there's a fair bit of indie pop, specifically twee pop for the most part but with a few outliers such as hazards by great area, (which is more in line with the whole hypnagogic pop sound of artists like dean blunt and lolina (fka inga copeland), latter of which owns the label that song was released on, but also with some trip hop influences) and follow the light by broadcast (more ambient pop-esque than some of their other tracks i've heard, bit more hypnotic both in atmosphere and theme, i would say). of course, you've got heavenly, one of the most important acts related to the twee sound, then there's the softies that (as far as i can tell, i'm not actually super knowledgeable in the genre still lol) go in a more subdued direction with not as much punk influences as other acts like the aforementioned heavenly or another sunny day, and last but not least, my irl friends' band: cosas raras pasarán! it's been around a year and a half or so of going to every gig they've done so far, seeing them evolving and honing their craft as time has gone on, and i couldn't be happier to see them finally releasing at least a bit of what they've done so far to the public at large, it warms my heart and i'm very excited for whatever comes in the future <3 this last point leads me to the next subset of tracks i'd like to single out: there's a bit more music from my country as well this time around! firstly, sandwiched in between the twee pop tracks at the start of the playlist (this sorting-by-bpm approach is not working as well as i would like, turns out), ¿quién me defenderá de tu belleza? by amigovio, solo project from the former lead singer of indie pop group carmen sandiego, where it's mainly taking cues from synthpop and adjacent sounds, reminding me a bit of the approach javiera mena had towards pop and indie intersections during the esquemas juveniles era (very much a positive). and secondly, kira1312 and guitarbaby's fastcar, a very solid pop rap / r&b crossover with production that feels very in line with a lot of the edm trap sounds around the mid-2010s, think artists like sam gellaitry or monte booker, which is something that feels very unique and singular in the scene, it's a style that's definitely guitarbaby's own and it makes me interested in whatever she's dropping in the future. as for the pop and r&b side, occupying a large chunk on the list also: a folky and classical influenced art pop / singer-songwriter offering from clarissa connelly (the whole album is pretty damn good, but the opening track here is straight up stunning); delightful k-pop and city pop crossover from loona's spiritual subunit artms (essentially a rework of haseul's plastic candy from last year, which was one of my favourite tracks from that year, but a very welcome flip still); the lead single off of tinashe's upcoming project, a sequel to last year's excellent bb//ang3l, and heading in the direction of the club-ready trap knocks of needs from that album; submerged house and r&b from dawn richard with impossibly memorable vocal snippets (that "do you love me... anymore..." vocal got stuck in my head for the whole month after it came up on shuffle) and atmospheric production; a taste of ms. xcx's upcoming album and a very obvious addition to this month's list, i mean, come on, it's charli AND gesaffelstein on production, of course i'm going to love it; the comeback of the ever mysterious and ellusive r&b vocalist clara la san, once again delivering on her particular blend of cloudy, ambient-like production and wispy yet alluring vocals; a very solid blend of modern 2-step production with synthwork and melodies that draw inspiration from 80s sophisti-pop and contemporary r&b from bautibit; and finally a crossover of pop, footwork and accelerated funk br from duda beat, genre globetrotter that still manages to bring everything together well for catchy and compelling pop compositions.

over on the electronic side: a woozy collage of r&b idioms, dubby atmospheres, ragga vocals and broken drum beats, courtesy of the seekersinternational crew (their no parasites ep from last year is almost always in rotation for me, it's just absolutely gripping stuff for me); the comeback of mr. jamie xx, finally rolling out stuff for the release of his upcoming album, featuring an impossibly charming old-school house groove accompanied by some classic horns and vocal chops; psychedelic breakbeat to hope for a better tomorrow while seeing the sunrise to from vegyn and lauren auder; and finally mind-blowingly complex post-everything-club sound design from fitnesss (hopefully a teaser for an upcoming LP? pretty please?) and lag switch as well as little snake.

elsewhere: a couple of tracks from the new british rock / punk scene that nerds on the internet love to talk about, represented by fontaines dc and black midi; my favourite drain gang related track of the month and the competition was pretty tough believe it or not considering all they dropped during the month (it was a tossup between tldr and the track bladee and ecco did with varg2™, ultimately picked the former because it's crazy to hear ecco rap again after a long time); wonderfully jangly yet somber and melancholic midwest emo from germany, courtesy of the short-lived group 125 rue montmartre; and finally, probably the most baffling inclusion on the list, suffocate by knocked loose and poppy, i think this might be the first time i have anything metal related on these lists, but i don't know, this one just really works for me: it's rhythmically super interesting and engaging (the reggaeton breakdown!!!!) and the vocals hit that sweet spot for me where i find the tone of the screams appealing, which is sort of a make-or-break when it comes to this kinda stuff for me.

non-dsp available highlight of the month is 90 down the block by xaviersobased, i'm still yet to hear a full project from his but i can definitely understand the hype behind him, in the way that he incorporates the rhythms of late 2000s rap into more modern plugg and cloud rap production, all wrapped together into a dizzyingly loose and carefree sound that's incredibly interesting

tube it!!!

[grad60454maddyfisher]

WIP WRITING:

ABSTRACT

Where does the influence of design come from? Designers are always looking for new inspiration, things that would innovate and enhance their work into forms used in everyday society. A commonality that many designers share is their love for music. Whether you're working in a studio vibing to a mellow playlist with your fellow work colleagues, or simply just at home headphones on jamming to some tunes whilst freelancing, music becomes a relatable topic of inspiration and motivation. There are many design elements in music. In order to portray the relationship between music and design, it is believed that both the digitally produced graphics made to express a visual identity and the act of generating music itself are artistic endeavours. Designers are able to effectively capture fresh perspectives, feelings, and concepts by using music to create an environment and an experience. This enhances their work by enabling the design to more fully communicate a story.

(OLD ABSTRACT)

When does the foundation of design reside in a world where music is all around us? The majority of people today listen to music in their daily lives, whether they are cooking dinner with a glass of wine in one hand while listening to relaxing beats at the end of a long day or jamming to beats in the car on the way to work. Digitally created designs and the process of creating music itself are both works of art, therefore music is replete with design elements. Designers may effectively capture fresh perspectives, feelings, and concepts by using music to create an environment and an experience.

Positioning the Researcher (400-500 words)

What you ‘know’ about yourself / your background / where you stand in relation to your practice / your beliefs and personal involvement with your work.

Positioning researcher is about you and what you like about design and what inspires you in the design field.

Where I grew up and how I got into design

I have always found myself drawn to the artistic side of life as a young graphic designer. I've always loved arts and crafts, photography, and painting, which ultimately prompted me to choose design as a major in school to pursue my interest. One aspect of design I really enjoy is working with line drawings.

As a young graphic designer, I have always found myself drawn to the creative side to life. From a young age I have loved arts and crafts, taking photos and drawing which ultimately led to my passion being explored at school when I decided to take design as a subject. My skills within design are still limited as I’m yet to explore more variants, however one aspect of design I really enjoy is working with line drawings.

One aspect of design I really enjoy is working with line drawings.

As a young creative and student graphic designer my approach and skills of design is limited. One aspect of design I really enjoy working with is line drawings.

I love using line imagery as an asset of my design.

Line imagery

Positioning the Research (400-500 words)

What the nature of your practice led research is / personal involvement with your work.

Music is one of the many tools in my design kit. I listen to music almost whenever I’m not sleeping, whether I’m jamming to my favourite rap artists in the car on the way to work, smashing out a workout to some heavy house music or simply just chilling to some mellow tunes while cooking dinner, I constantly find I have music around me to lift my mood and create a better atmosphere. Background music is essential for me as a young creative and graphic designer in order to be able to produce my best work. Along with its significant value for design, it has been shown to enhance and stimulate brain growth. Having a positive mindset and being in the appropriate mood are crucial when designing, or being in the "zone," because without these, I could sit and gaze at a blank screen for hours on end. I frequently find myself getting into a comfy pair of track pants and throwing on an oversized hoodie before jumping into bed, switching on some tunes, and getting into the so-called "zone" that designers talk about. Simply, I would have a terrible time focusing if it weren't for music. It allows for me to concentrate and allows my work flow more effortlessly.

Review of Contextual Knowledge (600-800 words)

Review of context and subject specific terrain in which work is placed, including annotations of, or citation from, at least two credible sources Design problem / Theme / Issues / Design processes / Making / Craft / Case Studies / Selected Practitioners / Peer Reviewed Articles / Audience / Contextual References / Terminologies

Type here following the GRAD604 Main text type style Arial 10pt on 1.5 line space

Despite their stark differences, the goals of the creative professions of music and design are comparable. Both musicians and designers want to have a profound connection with their audience as artists, both having the end goal of wanting to produce something distinctive, enlightening, and enduring.

The connection between design and music is possibly one of the strongest connections seen across industries. There is a lot more collaboration between the two industries in the modern digital world. Increasing collaboration is a guaranteed way to produce music and content that will stick with listeners and keep them coming back for more.

Both of these creative professions frequently encourage one another while having their specific duties. For instance, music is often used as background sound at design studios to complement workflow of designers. Whereas, musicians need design to carefully examine the visual identity and

culture of their music. However, this isn’t the only connection these two creative industries explore as there is a more direct connection between these two sectors.

In today’s society us young designers frequently visualise the cover art, graphics, and/or music videos that go along with our favourite songs or singers when you think of them. The design sector plays a crucial part in assisting musicians by improving the way their story or message is expressed through everything from logos to merchandise to web material. This fusion of music and design is not a recent development. For many years, musicians and designers have collaborated to produce legendary album covers and music videos. But as platforms and technologies evolve, there is an increasing drive to develop amazing images that complement the music being produced.

References

Entries following APA 7th protocols

Type here following the GRAD604 References type style – you can italicise titles or underline as you see fit.

[1234-angelika]

Fresh Start

an:this is the first part of my Happily Ever After series for Hotch. I am honestly so excited to share so I hope y'all like it. This is mostly set in 3x11, I do have some dialogue from the episode integrated into the fic.

words: 2 k

warnings: Divorce, language, canon-typical violence

summary:"Every moment is a fresh beginning."

-T.S. Elliot

masterpost|taglist|have an idea

The second that the plane touched down on the tarmac, you felt yourself relax. And then, of course, people started to clap.

Sitting there, your eyes rolled backwards in your skull while you waited for the crowd to finish and for your seatmates to finally grab their bags. You had ended up in the middle seat, in between an elderly woman—who had snagged the aisle seat—and a man—who was squishing you so much, he definitely should have paid for two seats. Despite your reservations, you welcomed his help when he offered to take your bag down from the overhead bin. A quick thank you, and then you were on your way out of there. Finally, after a long fifteen minutes at baggage claim—listening to the frat bros who had not shut up the entire flight to VA—your bags arrived. Collecting your bags, you went outside to try and track down the rental car you had booked.

After picking up the car and signing all the forms, you put your new address into the GPS and started on the drive. Despite the fact it was not rush hour, the amount of traffic was insane. It took much longer than you had planned for you to get home. Just as you parked in the drive, the moving truck came rumbling down the street. As you walked up to the house, you just admired it. Disbelieving of the fact that this was now your home. It looked just as it had in the pictures online, a little big for just you but, you liked to plan ahead.

You fiddled with the key—which the realtor had express mailed to you—in the lock for a bit before a click resounded and the door popped open. You propped it open with your suitcase and then went down to greet the movers. As they brought the boxes in and the bigger furniture you had opted to bring down from LA, you directed them in the placement. It took a little over two hours for them to get all of your belongings into the house and set up; you had asked if they could build a few pieces—like the bed frame. When they were done, you paid them, with a tip, before letting out a sigh of relief as you watched the moving truck drive down the street and into the distance. Then, turning back around, you looked at all the boxes the awaited unpacking before deciding against it. You got ready for bed and made the executive decision that those boxes would be tomorrow’s problem.

Waking up bright and early, you start to get ready for the day ahead. You’ve been in Virginia for a week now, and your home was almost all unpacked, there are still a few things you need to find a spot for, but the majority has been organized and put away. Before you had even left for work, you had already downed two cups of coffee in an attempt to both wake up and relax your nerves. The drive is long but, after your first drive in VA, you had planned for it. You had created a playlist of your favourite music and let it play while you drove, trying to get pumped for what, essentially, is an interview. You had been gunning for a spot at the BAU a few years, but there hadn’t been openings. So to say that I really wanted this spot would be an understatement. If this interview didn’t work out, you’d be working out of Quantico as an auxiliary agent until a post opened up.

Stepping out of your car, you adjusted your skirt and straightened out your blouse before walking into the lobby of the FBI building. When the transfer came through to leave the LA field office, it was a relief. Even though you put in the work and trained as a profiler, it was a boys club; this meant that you were used more as a press liaison than a profiler—which was actually your job. A rush of cold air washed over you as you walked through the heavy glass doors. Erin Strauss, your new boss, stood in the lobby—actually, she was your boss’ boss. She greeted you kindly and with a smile that was much more than you expected, especially after hearing all the stories about her. She shook your hand and then led you into the bullpen and started the tour.

“This is where you’ll be working for now, they’re just finishing up your office. There were a few delays but it should be ready by the end of week.” She said, turning to face you as you walked through the bullpen. You thanked her, and her only response was a curt nod as you arrived at an office, blinds drawn and the door closed.

“Is this your office?” You asked, fully under the impression that she would be conducting the interview.

“No, I’m upstairs. This office belongs to Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner, your boss. He will be the one conducting the interview,” she paused as you processed the new information. “I’ll be off, if you have any questions you can send me an email or come see me in my office.”

She walked off, and you watched her figure disappear to the lobby and into the crowd of FBI agents milling around. Taking a few deep breaths, you managed to settle your nerves a little. No matter how many interviews you had done, it was always an incredibly stressful endeavour. Reaching up, your knuckles wrapped against the door, and you dropped your hand and waited. The soft sound of shuffling was muffled by the thick wood door before it swung open. A handsome man stood in the doorway, expression stern. He reached out and shook your awaiting hand before moving to the side and gesturing for you to enter the office.

“You must be SSA Y/N Y/L/N—”

“Yes sir.”

“—come in.”

Stepping past him, you walked into the office and to one of the two worn leather chairs arranged in front of the desk. Waiting, you didn’t sit until he sat down. He asked you about your credentials and experience in the LA field office for what felt like hours. You answered honestly, but politely trying to be as eloquent as possible. Silently, you were hoping that he would agree you were a good fit for the team. Then, abruptly, he stood, holding out his hand. You followed suit and shook his hand.

“Well agent Y/L/N, I think that you would be a good fit for us. Welcome to the team.”

“Thank you Agent Hotchner—“

“You can call me Hotch,”

“—thank you Hotch, I look forward to working on this team.”

A brief silence settled between the two of you before he said, “close the door behind you please.”

Taking that as your cue to leave, you stepped out swiftly and shut the door behind you. Taking another step, the BAU agents were all looking at you. Biting the bullet, so to speak, you decide to go and introduce yourself. You introduced yourself to Derek, Emily and Spencer, who was slightly cold towards you—which you quickly learnt was because he didn’t like change. You were getting to know one another when JJ—who briefly introduced herself with a kind smile—called you to the conference room. You took a seat in the only empty chair left, in between Hotch and Emily. As soon as you took your seat, JJ started the briefing.

“Last night in Fredericksburg, a 20 year old woman, Molly McCarthy, was abducted. She’s the third to go missing in the last six weeks. All disappeared from public places. No one’s seen them since. Couple days ago, body parts with cigarette burns were recovered from a national park, which was once the site of the Battle of Chancellorsville.”

As she took a pause, Aaron interrupted, “were they able to make an ID?”

“It was the first victim taken six weeks ago. Decomp indicated that she had been dead just over a week.”

“So, he likes spending time with them.” Aaron said, still reading through the file.

“How’d she end up like that?” You asked.

Picking up the file, JJ read, “M.E. found microscopic tool marks on the bone.”

Mulling over the details, I could hear Spencer talking about a similar case he had read about. JJ confirmed it was, in fact, also Fredericksburg in the winter of 1980. You came to the conclusion of an anniversary killing at the same time Rossi pointed it out.

“Wait, we think this could be the same killer?” Emily asked. “That’s a hell of a cooling off period.”

After a bit more discussion, Aaron announced wheels up in 20, and you were all out the door. The case spanned a few days. And for you, it was a bit of an adjustment, going back to doing fieldwork, but you welcomed and embraced the challenge. The worst part was finding those girls. Your heart stopped in your chest when you heard their cries for help. Once the girls were safe, the team dispersed.

You stood by the road, lost in your thoughts, watching as the sheriff took Chrissy Wilkinson away. The sheriff drove off, and you felt another presence beside you. Looking up, you saw it was Aaron.

“You okay?”

You didn’t answer him right away. “If you stop caring, you’re jaded. If you care too much, it’ll ruin you.” You said without even looking at him.

“Just know that you did everything you could. Sometimes we get it right with a little luck, and most of the times we don’t. That’s the job. It’s never perfect. It’s still better to care.”

“You really believe that?” You asked, eyes glassy from the emotional toll of your first case back in the field, barely able to keep the oncoming tears at bay.

“I believe it’s never perfect.” He turned and started walking back to the rest of the team.

“Hey Hotch?” You called out.

Turning around, he looked at you. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.” You said with a half-smile, voice thick with unshed tears.

The drive back to Quantico was fast, and the paperwork was started almost immediately after arriving back. As soon as the last form was signed, Derek asked;

“Who’s up for a drink?”

That piqued the interest of the team. Emily scoffed before asking,

“Who’s up for five?”

Laughing, you stood up and said, “I’m definitely in!”

“Count me in.” David said as he walked through the bullpen, coming from his office. Looking up in that direction, you could see Hotch still sitting at his desk, frowning at whatever was in front of him.

“I don’t know…” said Reid, hesitating.

“Stop with the “I don’t know.” You’re in kid.” Derek said with a smile. “JJ?”

Groaning, she said, “I’d love to. I’m going to have to take a rain-check.”

“Hotch?” You asked as he made his way toward the rest of you.

“Yeah?”

“You up for a beer?”

“Sure.”

Just as you were all walking towards the door, a man walked into the bullpen guided by an agent you had seen in passing.

“Agent Hotchner?”

“Yes.”

As soon as Aaron answered, the man handed him a legal-size manilla envelope before asking him to sign and then he walked out.

“What is it?” Emily asked.

You eyed the envelope as Emily asked the question, a gut feeling telling you it wasn’t anything good.

“Haley’s filing for divorce. I’ve been served.” He said, and he only met your gaze long enough for it to become sympathetic before he walked out to the elevators.

The rest of you looked at each other; you were a little more confused than the rest of them. Still, you and your colleagues headed to the bar to blow off a little steam. As the elevator began to lower, you felt a tugging in your heart for the man—your boss, whose you had known for less than a week but felt a connection with right off the bat.

[seventeenwrites]

Catharsis - Chapter Two

-> Group: The Boyz

-> Type: Short Series

-> Member(s) of Interest: Sunwoo

-> Word Count: ~2.9k

-> Genre: angst, fluff, apocalypse au

-> Warnings: alien apocalypse, guns/weapons, blood, violence, death, cursing, female MC

-> Playlist: Hold You in My Arms by Ray LaMontagne; All Right Now by Angel Olsen; Saccharine by Atta Boy; Love & Hate by Michael Kiwanuka

-> a/n: Hey guys! Here's chapter two! Again, I want to emphasize that my goal with this series is to portray a kind of love which transcends any kind of labels we’ve assigned to love (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.). It may seem a bit hard-and-fast, but I think that is a reflection of the world around these characters. When you don’t know if you will live to see another day, when you are surrounded by death and tragedy, you live and you love without regrets, or at least you try your damnedest to.

Catharsis.

And then, fortunately, my eyes opened. Now, this wasn’t fortunate because I was alive, but rather because of the way I was alive. The fire that had separated Sunwoo and I the night before had died, but the coals were still glowing, so that they could easily be re-ignited. Just beyond the pit lay Sunwoo, still sleeping. One of his shoes had been thrown six feet away in the middle of the night, and his left arm was almost completely smothering his face.

Before I had time to laugh at him, a voice interrupted me.

“Oh, Ari! I’m assuming Sunny filled you in last night.” I whipped my head in the direction of the voice, to find the same man who had yelled at us the night before. Jacob, right? When not puffy-faced and half-asleep, he was much better-looking. He wasn’t smiling, but his eyes popped out and his cheekbones were raised nonetheless, in a way that reminded me of my mother's face in her youth. Next to Jacob was another man, who I could immediately tell was the leader of whatever this place was. His nose high on his face and his brow heavy, he was reminiscent of a Renaissance sculpture, elegantly beautiful, yet intimidatingly powerful. He was also impressively clean; everything from his ears to his nail beds were devoid of even a single smudge of dirt.

“Oh. Uh, yeah. I think so,” I said, sitting up and wrapping the blanket around myself, suddenly self-conscious of my dirty T-shirt and basketball shorts.

“Good. Sangyeon and I are gonna go collect more firewood. There’s berries and nuts in those if you get hungry.” Jacob pointed to a collection of miscellaneous containers by the centermost tent. Wooden crates, mason jars, old metal lunch boxes decorated with superheroes and princesses, even a piggy bank. Resourceful. Smart, I thought to myself. I turned back to the two men, to find that Jacob had already started walking away. Sangyeon still stood before me and assessed me for a few seconds, slightly nodding his head and furrowing his brow.

“We’ll be back,” he said before slinging a backpack over one shoulder and following Jacob out of the camp. I didn’t blame him. If I was running a camp and one of my members suddenly showed up with a random girl, I would be suspicious, too.

As the day got brighter, more of the members woke up and came to greet me, and I got to know more about who these people were and how this place worked. There was Kevin, who came out of the same tent as Jacob, and who was a self-proclaimed genius chef, but judging by the defined musculature on his small figure, he was useful for more than his culinary skills. In the next tent there was Changmin and Chanhee, who seemed to be attached at the hip; they were both lean, perfect for long-distance running. The next tent housed Eric and Haknyeon, who were both robust and muscular, obvious fighters. The last tent was home to Juyeon, Younghoon, and Hyunjae, who entered last and were all visibly athletic, with their long and sturdy physiques. I had finally figured it out. This place was a powerhouse. No Echo would be a match for these boys.

“Always tardy, huh, sleepyheads?” Changmin jested towards the last three to join our circle around the dead fire.

“SHHH!” Eric suddenly play-whispered, “You’ll wake the baby.” He pointed towards Sunwoo’s still-sleeping figure.

“Eric, you’re literally younger than him,” Kevin laughed while trying to catch berries in his mouth, and failing. Hilariously.

“By like eight months!” Eric shouted, a slight pout donning his face.

“That’s pretty significant, if you ask me.” We all looked down at Sunwoo, whose arm was still covering his eyes, but whose mouth was visibly quivering to maintain a laugh. He peeked out beneath his arm to see what Eric’s response would be, but Haknyeon was already holding Eric back.

“Okay, babies. Let’s calm down. Jacob and Sangyeon will be back soon and I’m sure they’ll have food.” Juyeon hushed-- his voice had a way of calming the boys down that could only have been achieved through years of trust and reliability. His voice and the mention of food seemed to lull the pretend conflict, and pretty soon, side conversations enveloped the entire group. I sat and watched Sunwoo. He was chatting with Kevin who was right next to him, and he was laughing at something, his head thrown back. I found myself smiling. Two smiles in 24 hours. That’s gotta be a record.

Sunwoo’s eyes met mine and I felt my heart leap. He excused himself from his conversation and walked over to sit next to me, placing his hand on top of mine. Again, I noted just how soft his hands were. And warm too, compared to the frigid morning air. As if feeling his warmth made me colder, a shiver traveled down my spine.

“Cold?” Sunwoo asked. I nodded in reply. “Let me in there, then,” he said, pointing at my blanket. I opened it and he stuck himself into my arms, grabbing them to close on top of him. He was warm. Physically, but he also warmed me from the inside, like drinking a cup of hot cocoa after playing in the snow, or getting a hug from your mom after your first piano recital. He felt like home.

-------

When Jacob and Sangyeon came back, they were dragging a deer behind them, backpacks chock full of firewood. The boys all scrambled up excitedly; I could only make out random interjections and complaints about hunger from the younger ones.

“You’ll finally get to see me in action, Ari,” Kevin quipped, gathering random tools and ingredients to cook the deer with.

Sangyeon walked up to Sunwoo and I, placing his bag by his feet and looking me up and down, just like he had before he left. Still suspicious of me, I guess. He turned his eyes to the boy next to me, looking him up and down as well, and started, “Go get some water from the stream, will you?”

“Sangyeon, come on! It’s been three weeks already, surely I can do something else?”

“Sunny, I’m sorry, but your legs obviously just not healed yet.”

Sunwoo looked as though he was going to protest again, but Jacob cut in before he could: “Doctor’s orders, bud. I’ll take a look at it again later today.”

Shoulders slumped, Sunwoo dramatically sighed and grabbed my hand, dragging me along with him.

“I’ve been on water duty for three weeks, now. I mean, I understand. They care about me; they want me to be safe, and the path to the stream is clear and short-- almost impossible to get hurt. But like, come on. Three weeks of getting water. I’m sick of this damn path!” He joked, swatting a vine out of his way.

“What happened to your leg, anyway?” I asked. “If you don’t mind sharing,” I quickly added, suddenly afraid that it was too personal.

Sunwoo stopped in his tracks, looking at the ground. I could see the wheels turning in his head, as if he was trying to figure out how much of himself to reveal to me. He sighed and let go of my hand, turning to face me. His eyebrows were furrowed as he looked at me, the morning sunlight shining only on the right half of his face.

“It was about two months ago. A few of us were out looking for clothes and other essentials. We figured we’d go about ten miles east and get to the city that used to be there, hit all of the convenience stores and shopping malls. But we strayed too far from camp, and we got lost on our way back. By sundown we were in the middle of the woods with no shelter, no food, nothing.

“We were ambushed in the middle of the night. Those bastards were wearing our own faces. We couldn’t tell who was real and who was an Echo. Hyunjae did this to me,” he said, referencing his injured ankle, “Pushed me into a big tree trunk. I forgive him, obviously. It was crazy, and he was trying to protect himself. That same night…” he trailed off.

I could tell that he was about to cry, since he was starting to choke on his words, “That same night, I-- I killed one of our guys. Didn’t know it was him until it was too late, until he was already bleeding red. I shot him. He was flailing around all crazy-like with his knife. I didn’t know if he was him or an Echo, so I shot him. I should've-- I should’ve shot his foot, or his hand, to see his blood. But I didn’t. I got him right underneath the heart. Missed it by a hair. So I held him as he went. For thirteen minutes, I held him. I looked him in the eyes as the life left ‘em and I held his hands as they went limp. That poor fucking bastard, I’m so sorry to him.”

Sunwoo was crying. It was a cry I had never seen or heard from a human before. It was absolutely, heart-wrenchingly tragic, and the only thing I could do for him was hold him. I didn’t tell him that it wasn’t his fault, because he knew that already. I didn’t tell him that he was still a good person, because he knew that already. I didn’t tell him that I loved him, because he knew that, too.

I didn’t tell him that his member was in a better place, because we both knew it wasn’t true.

-------

When we got to the stream, we were holding hands again. Sunwoo was still wiping tears off of his face with his free hand, but he was smiling again.

“Whaddya say, Ari? Care for a little dip before we head back?” Sunwoo teased, rocking his shoulders as if to say I’m joking, but if you’re down, then I’m really fucking down.

“Fine, kid,” I chortled, “but only because that water looks deliciously crisp right now.”

I turned away to place all of the water buckets on the ground, and when I turned back, Sunwoo was standing a yard or two away, facing the water. He reached down and took his shirt off in a swift and seamless motion, one which seemed to me only men were capable of performing. The sunlight kissed his skin, illuminating its smooth and tanned surface. The shadows of his shoulder blades danced across his back as he attempted to balance on a stepping stone. The gentle slope of his neck blended seamlessly into the crease of his spine which traveled all the way down his back, like a book that I never wanted to stop reading. His arms, outstretched in a balancing act, were lean, yet capable and sturdy shooting arms, slightly different in size as a reflection of his right-handedness.

He turned around to look at me, a wide smile on his face. His eyes were still bloodshot and puffy from crying, and his face still splotchy, but his smile-- his smile was brighter than the light of any sun. I didn’t think I had ever seen anyone or anything so beautiful in my life. I smiled back at him, and I felt my own eyes start to well up with tears.

“Come on, Ari! This stream isn’t gonna skinny-dip itself!” Forgiving his slightly awkward--yet adorable--phrasing, I accepted his challenge, jumping in with him.

As our heads both emerged, we held hands under the water, my thumb rubbing the soft skin of his. He leaned in and placed a kiss on the top of my ear, before settling his face into the crook of my neck. And then, again, we felt like nothing more than an extension of the earth below our feet and the sky above our heads.

Catharsis.

-------

Sunwoo and I arrived back at camp and we were met with ten horrified faces. To be fair, we looked an absolute mess. Our clothes were sopping wet, hanging off of our bodies like rags. As our feet had been too wet to put our shoes back on, we walked back barefoot, as evidenced by the dirt, mud, and scratches littering our ankles and calves. Our hair, like something out of a horror movie, dangling in front of our faces in stringy and curly sections.

“Sunny! What the heck, dude?” Jacob cried, staring in shock at Sunwoo’s now dirty and tattered bandage on his ankle. Sunwoo half-smiled, scratching the back of his neck.

“Sorry, Cobie. You should’ve seen the stream today! It was so beautiful; we just had to swim in it!” He replied, a slight pout on his lips.

Chanhee was sitting at the fire a few feet away, a sly smile engulfing his face. “Oh sure,” he teased, “Swimming. I bet that’s all you two were doing.” He puckered his lips and wrapped his arms around himself, a type of mockery I hadn’t seen since high school. I couldn’t help but giggle at him, even if he was jumping to conclusions, and incorrect ones, at that.

Sunwoo and I hadn’t kissed. We didn’t need to, and maybe we never would. We only needed to hold each other. And frankly, that’s all I wanted to do for the rest of my days.

As Jacob unwrapped the bandage from Sunwoo’s ankle, his smile faltered for a second before he replaced it. I knew that look. I grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“What is it?” Jacob looked at me, contemplating, then turned to Sunwoo and sighed. He resumed his faux angry persona from earlier, resembling a loving parent.

“This is why I told you to be careful, Sunny! The wound must have reopened at some point, and you got it dirty when you were out there. It should be fine if we wash it and dress it with herbs, but you’re gonna have to stay off of it for longer-- and no more playing in dirt, for Christ’s sake, Sunny.” Sunwoo looked like a child getting scolded for tracking dirt into the house, but I could see the twinkle of mischief still ever-bright in his innocent eyes.

Sangyeon walked over to us, still as reserved and stoic as ever. He looked me over as he always did, eyes filled with suspicion and piqued interest. He turned to Jacob, who I had figured out was something of a second-in-command.

“We’ve received word of a pack about a mile west. We should head out now, while it’s still bright out,” he turned to look at Sunwoo, still talking to Jacob“This is sort of an all-hands-on-deck situation. Is he okay to shoot?”

Sunwoo replied for Jacob by standing up, still young and eager to prove himself, “I’m fine, I promise! I’m not in pain, and my ankle won’t affect my shooting if I’m sniping. Sir.” Sangyeon looked Sunwoo up and down, slightly nodding his head, then reached out to pat him on the shoulder.

“Don’t get hurt again, buddy. We can’t lose anyone else.” That was the first time I had seen Sangyeon let his guard down, and I even saw a tear slip out of the corner of his left eye. Sunwoo bit his lip in an attempt to suppress the tears he had already let go that morning. Sangyeon was quick to wipe it and resume his cold air, though, and he turned to look at me, unsure of what to do with me.

“What do you mean you received word? And why are you seeking out Echoes? Shouldn’t we be, like, hiding from them?” I asked.

Sangyeon stared at me again. “I hear you’re good with a knife.”

“Not good. Excellent.”

He nodded and walked off, leaving my questions unanswered, to which I looked at Sunwoo in disbelief.

A slight smile spread across Sunwoo’s face and he started walking towards one of the smaller tents, expecting me to follow him. When I walked in, I saw more radios than I had ever seen in my life. Old ones that couldn’t have been less than 60 years old, the ones that were built into flashlights, walkie talkies, even old car radios.

“Kid, what the hell is this?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“This, Ari, is anything that can send or receive signals through the next hundred miles. Over the year and a half we’ve been here, we’ve found all of them.”

“B--But why?”

“So we can get them before they get us. There are lots of us out there, we send word to each other if we see or hear of Echoes that we can’t get ourselves.”

The wheels in my head were turning so quickly, and I still couldn’t understand it.

“So-- So you guys actually… hunt Echoes? You don’t just run from them?”

“That’s right. And we’re gonna keep hunting them. Until every one of those bastards is six feet under.”

It all finally made sense. How organized and resourceful they all were. How skilled they all were at fighting. The hierarchy and positions they all assumed, with Sangyeon at the top. This wasn’t a camp.

It was a machine. An Echo-hunting machine.

[dinosaurtsukki]

Tsukki fanfic owo S/o is always loving and caring towards tsukki but one day tsukki keeps being emotionless and neglecting s/o. He thinks that s/o will always be there cuz s/o has always been the one saying how much she loves him. But s/o gets mad cuz it was a bad day and tsukki is still emotionally off. S/o ain’t like screaming or anything but silently crying cuz that’s how tsukki is and thinks that she should take care of her own emotions. Tsukki sees this and opens up about being stoic.

Heyyy if you’re taking requests for tsukki fic, can you do a wholesome tsukki and s/o kinda thing. I wanna have one where tsukki laughs and enjoys his time with s/o. like he secretly thinks a lot about how much he loves s/o. idk but I just wanna read fanfic where tsukki laughs and smiles a lot :”)

okay i know these two were probably sent by two diff. people but i kind of wanted to do both of these in one, slightly long drabble hehe. i hope you all like this i had a ton of fun thinking of it and writing it :). also, i made reader a university professor because that’s an occupation i’m more familiar with. and,,, i hope this is what you were looking for ? (i kind of went off a bit ahh i’m sorry!) 

You and Tsukishima struggling with being around each other 24/7 during quarantine 

(feat. arguing, pen-clicking, and then some singing and fluff later on)

between you and tsukishima, it was him who predicted that the pandemic would inevitably lead to a long lockdown period where you two would have to live in the same space, twenty-four hours a day. it was your one ray of light during that dark time when the world was essentially on fire. you and tsukishima tended to have busy work schedules with him at the museum and you teaching at the nearby university so you saw the lockdown period as a way to spend more time with your boyfriend.

the first few weeks were fine aside from the constant caution whenever you or tsukishima went out for groceries. neither of you had work yet with the university and museum still adjusting so you two spent the time learning how to bake bread, sleeping in until noon, and staying up late, curled up on the couch and re-watching the Jurassic Park series.

the next few weeks were... less than fine. both of you had to get back to work, which meant a whole lot of online meetings. tsukishima spent hours working on the new online exhibits that the museum was doing while you were grading papers for days. that’s when you started picking up on some of the annoying things that your boyfriend did, like: not putting the milk back in the fridge, hogging the blankets when you guys slept, and playing the music on his headphones really loud that you had to remove them yourself to talk to him. but you weren’t the only one picking on annoying habits. tsukishima felt that he was just now realizing how many products you had in the bathroom that he couldn’t even find his own shampoo. he hated that you always finished the hot sauce by dumping two tablespoons on your food whenever you ate. and he absolutely loathed the sound of you frantically clicking your pen whenever you were stressed.

but, those few weeks were still somewhat alright. the two of you either dealt with things by talking it out or just ignoring them altogether. tsukishima would still carry you to be whenever you passed out on the dining table and you still made him an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon.

and then, the next few weeks happened. at this point, tsukishima barely had any work to do with the museum’s online exhibit up, except for answering the occasional dumb question on their website. he spent most of the day pacing the house, looking for something to do unless he was going to lie in bed while blasting music. you, on the other hand, were chest-deep in writing course packs, syllabi, compiling readings, emailing students, and conducting online classes. almost everything you two did led to you or tsukishima jumping at the other’s throats. 

and that’s when the metaphorical shit hit the metaphorical fan.

you were in the middle of checking papers, knowing very well that your deadline was fast approaching and if you wanted your students to get on with their next task, you had to send them the drafts of their papers as soon as possible. as per your usual habit when you were stressed out, you were clicking your favorite violet pen like crazy. tsukishima, who was at his desk on the other side of the room that you two shared as your office, could feel his sanity hanging by a thread that was unraveling with every click of your pen. and you were clicking your pen a lot. 

‘it’s their nervous habit, it’s their nervous habit, it’s their nervous habit,’ tsukishima repeated as he closed his eyes and increased the volume of the music he was listening to in hopes to drown out the sound.

click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-cl--

“can you not?” tsukishima tugged his headphones off and swiveled around to yell at you. the sudden volume of your boyfriend’s voice made you jump in your seat but unable to react fast enough when tsukishima stood up and plucked the purple pen from your hands. 

on any other day, you would have simply apologized and reasoned with tsukishima about your nervous habit. but, you weren’t grading a shit ton of papers on any other day.

“easy for you to say when you don’t have all these papers to grade!” you stood up and looked at your scowling boyfriend right in the eye. both of you had dark circles under your eyes and unwashed hair and neither of you cared. “why don’t you get out of the room if it’s so damn annoying?”

“maybe it’s because i also live here and i have every right to be comfortable in the office without having to hear the sound of your pen 24/7!” tsukishima yelled.

“well it’s not like you have anything important to work on,” you snapped, putting emphasis on ‘important’. that struck a vein with tsukishima and you could see the irritated quirk of his eyebrows. 

“are you saying that i’m useless here?” he said slowly and menacingly. “it’s not my fault that the fucking museum isn’t open at this time.”

“i’m not saying that but it sure would be nice for you to give me a helping hand once in a while when you know what i’m going through,” you huffed. you knew that you two were straying far away from the discussion about your pen-clicking habits but all those weeks of putting up with each other’s habits and other frustrations were bubbling from the surface.

“don’t you think i wish i could just take a break from all this? it sure would be nice if you just asked me how i was doing or cooked dinner more than just a few times a week!” you yelled.

“what am i, your mom?” tsukishima scoffed.

“no, you’re my boyfriend,” you emphasized. “and you’re just supposed to do things like that especially when you know what i’m going through. like, i get that you like keeping to yourself most of the time and you’re not super into cuddles or anything but, i don’t know, a ‘how are you?’ once in a while would be fucking great!” you gasped for air after your rant ended. for a fraction of a second, tsukishima looked almost sad or sorry and you began to hope that maybe you got through him. but, as quickly as it came, tsukishima scowled and turned away.

“if dinner’s what you want then fine, i’ll make something later. but for the love of god, stop clicking your fucking pen,” he sighed and sat at his desk before putting the headphones over his ears. you fumed at his indifference, you could practically feel your face heat up from anger. in a few strides, you crossed the room to his desk.

“we’re not done talking tsukishima!” you yelled over how loudly you knew tsukishima was blasting his music. in one quick motion, you unplugged the aux cord of his headphones.

unluckily for tsukishima, his phone did That Thing called ‘Playing Your Music Out Loud After Removing the Headphone Jack’ that he desperately avoided again and again by constantly lowering the volume on his phone before removing his headphones. even more unluckily for him, he was blasting his playlist full of taylor swift songs that had somehow held his sanity for the past few weeks.

and you, a sworn taylor swift fan, heard the very familiar opening track of ‘Wildest Dreams’. 

both of you were quiet as the intro played, both very shocked from the sudden interruption that had broken your heated argument. and then, tsukishima reacted by reaching for his phone. unluckily for him again, you reacted faster and grabbed the phone first.

“no way,” you exclaimed as you opened his playlist and scrolled through the songs, your anger quickly forgotten. 

“y/n, give it back!” tsukishima gritted his teeth and swiped at the phone in your hand. he could feel his own face heating up from embarrassment at his secret being revealed. 

“why are you embarrassed about it? it’s cute! you should have told me way sooner and we could have listened to folklore together,” you grinned at him. “and i love this song. ‘you said let’s get out of this town--’”

“give it!” tsukishima grabbed the phone out of your hand while you were distracted singing. 

“no, no, no! don’t pause it! i love this!” you whined, grabbing at his arm as he sat down. tsukishima was one press of a thumb away from ending your enjoyment. but, it was exactly that which stopped him from pressing ‘pause.’ now that he thought about it, when was the last time he heard you laugh.

and besides, ‘Wildest Dreams’ was a good song.

“come on tsukki,” you grinned cheekily. “look! it’s about you! ‘he’s so taaalll and handsome as heeeellll,’” you sang, trying to reach taylor’s high notes. 

“do you realize how embarrassing you’re being right now?” tsukishima sighed, but the hand over his mouth hiding the grin on his face betrayed how flattered he was.

“sing with me! sing with me!” you chanted, jumping up and down on the balls of your feet. “come on, nobody’s watching! in case you haven’t realized it, it’s literally been just us here.”

tsukishima looked at you. he wasn’t that unhinged from the lockdown yet that he would start singing taylor swift out loud.

but the ecstatic look on your face was something that he undoubtedly missed, along with his favorite strawberry shortcake at the cafe you two frequented. and you were right. it was just the two of you.

“...say you’ll remember me,” he sang softly. the grin on your face widened and you let out a giggle before joining him.

“standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset babe,” you sang. tsukishima smiled freely as he sang and watched you enjoy yourself. and then, you held at his hands and tugged him from the chair.

“what are you doing?”

“we’re going to dance. duh.”

“wh-what? no!” tsukishima shook his head even as you successfully tugged him out of his chair. “singing is one thing and dancing is another thing.”

“think of it as more like, you already sang so might as well dance,” you smirked at him. tsukishima stubbornly kept still even while you held his hands and swayed from side to side. “tsukkiiiiiii,” you whined when he still refused to move. you kept swaying while pouting up at your boyfriend. finally, he let out a sigh and put a hand behind your back before pulling you closer to him.

“that’s not how you dance, idiot,” he muttered. 

“so... you’re going to show me how?” you smiled cheekily. tsukishima rolled his eyes but proceeded to sway you back and forth as he hummed along to the music. you enjoyed the slow dance before, without warning, tsukishima grinned and spun you around.

“hey!” you laughed, feeling yourself stumble before being pulled back into tsukishima’s arms. 

“what? i thought you wanted to dance?” this time, it was his turn to smile cheekily at you. 

“yeah but--” you were cut off with tsukishima spinning you around again. “tsukki-- i-- stop!!” you attempted to say in between your boyfriend laughing and repeatedly spinning you around. 

“stop! i’m dizzy!” you erupted into fit of laughter as you wrapped your arms around your boyfriend to stop him from spinning you again. “where the hell did you learn that?”

“mom always had this thing where she would suddenly dance during christmas and new years when she had too much to drink,” tsukishima smiled at the memory as his hands circled around you. “usually, it was akiteru who she pulled to dance. i kind of, picked up a thing or two.”

“hmmmm, a new fact about tsukki,” you hummed and looked up at him. “i’ve learned two new facts today.”

“two new facts that you’re going to keep secret,” he emphasized, flicking you lightly on the forehead. 

“yeah, yeah. you can stop burying yourself in your headphones now and blast your favorite artist on loudspeaker,” you sang. 

“fine,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around you tighter. tsukishima realized that he hadn’t hugged you like this in a while. hell, you two hadn’t had this kind of break in a while. after weeks of feeling like he was ‘putting up’ with you, tsukishima remembered what he was doing sharing a living space with you in the first place. 

“hey... i’m actually not that bad at grading papers. like, i know grammar and how to write a proper argument. also, i had to tutor two idiots throughout high school,” tsukishima said. you looked up at him with a relieved smile on your face. tsukishima felt a knot in his chest loosen. maybe he should have offered that weeks ago.

“that would be great, tsukki,” you smiled. “i’ll... try not to click my pen too much.”

“yes please,” tsukishima sighed with relief and let you go. “i’m getting some water from the kitchen. need anything?”

“some tea would be great right now,” you nodded and sat back in your chair.

“got it,” tsukishima nodded and started for the door. but before he left, you called out to him.

“love you, kei.” 

tsukishima smiled as he reached for the doorknob. “love you too, y/n.” 

taglist (still open to anyone who wants in): @montys-chaos​ @miyumtwins​ @strawberriimilkshake​ @pocubo​ @sugawara-sweetheart@akaashisbabydoll @laure-chan@therainroguefanfiction@atetiffdoesart@stephdaninja@oikaw-ugh @charliefredb @dramaqueenweeb1469@tremblinghearts @applepienation also you @janellion because you’re responsible for any swiftie!tsukki content that i write from now on

[cassyapper]

loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

[reversecreek]

snickers feverishly at myself for bringing in a 5th... who do i think i am? unstoppable? invincible? suddenly ripples my titanium plated pecs. maybe so. u can find her pinterest here n her playlist here. 

* margaret qualley, cis female + she/her  | you know bradley milligan, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to looking for knives by dyan like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole snow angels trampled through by your father’s footprints, casually reading a newspaper that’s catching flame & stubbing a cigarette against the wing mirror of a parked cop car thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 11th, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt she/her  )

HISTORY:

bradley has this memory of meeting her grandmother for the first time n everything in the room was frozen still. even the air. she didn’t feel like she cld move n she got the impression this is how it’d always been in the milligan lineage. the only thing that was allowed to act of it’s own accord was her grandmother’s eyes as she tracked every slightest flinch of muscle. when her father left the room her grandmother reached out and took bradley’s hand n bradley looked at this like it was smthn she’d never seen before until her grandmother leaned close and all she could stare at was a nicotine stain on one of her front teeth. “he’s cold, isn’t he? he’s always been cold. i don’t think he’s mine.” bradley could tell from how tight she held her hand that he was. she could tell by the way she smiled as she said it, too. the way she felt obliged to smile back.

growing up in a huge white house in aquila drive w pruned hedges sounds idyllic n looks it too. swanky cars w tinted windows in the long driveway. always men filing in and out under the cloak of night wearing expensive suits n smiles worthy of a politician’s billboard. bradley’s mum alyssa thought so too n that’s hw she got into this whole mess tbh. tony milligan is very good at advertising. he cld package a jarred human heart as strawberry jam and convince u to spread it on ur toast if he wanted to. he could make u smile politely as u ate ur own. 

alyssa ws this very pretty blonde kind of mysterious presence in a room. everyone wanted to kno her story or fk her but noone rly treated her like a person more just like a puzzle to solve. john green syndrome alert..... literally manic pixie dream girled bt on turbo charge. there were vague whispers she’d run away from home when she appeared in town out of nowhere bt nothing concrete. tony decided he wanted to crack the case n once he set his mind to something there was no changing it. they wound up embroiled in a whirlwind romance. head over heels. he came at romance hard and fast as a freight train. alyssa knew he was into shady things but not quite the full extent of it n honestly she didn’t care bc she wanted security n a family to call her own n tony promised that. they were married within a year. 

tony came frm money bt he wanted to carve his own path n make his own legacy. destined fr greatness he’d tell her. we’re destined for greatness. it sounds nice doesn’t it! alyssa thought so too.

(drugs mention tw) slowly over the yrs he essentially forged his own crime organisation tht only grew. he opened a strip club down the seedier side of irving called ‘no angels’ n this became the front thru which his gang ran drugs in the back (predominantly coke n they pride themselves fr having a Superior Blend apparently) as well as laundering cash n this also was kind of their home base to hang

(abuse tw) their marriage increasingly lost it’s shine n alyssa came to realise she’d been sold a lie n she didn’t rly know this person or what he was capable of right around the time bradley was born. by then it was kind of like Wow i am rly in this n there is not an exit door huh. i won’t go into details bt things were not good at all. bradley witnessed n experienced a lot of things she shouldn’t have growing up. she didn’t understand why other kids drew home in all these different coloured crayons like they were bright places to be. she didn’t understand why everyone got so excited when the bell rang at the end of the day bc she just felt sick. she rationalised tht this was normal when she was younger bc sometimes kids talked abt the monsters under their beds giving them nightmares n she thought mayb they were talking abt their dads too. as she got older she realised tht actually her world wasn’t the same as anyone else’s n she also realised no-one wld ever be able to tell her why. she started becoming friends with the angry feeling in her chest tht she used to try and swallow around this time. often she’d wander the mall for a while to put off going home. smoke on random park benches. watch trains rattle thru town from the vantage point of a random rooftop. 

(abuse, missing person implied, murder implied & grief tw) when bradley was 12 she woke up and all of her mum’s clothes were gone frm their drawers. no shoes anywhere. a framed photo of them at the beach holding bradley as a baby vanished from over the mantelpiece. when bradley asked her dad what was going on, tony essentially said “it was exhausting her. being here. being your mother. she didn’t want to do it any more, so now she’s gone” n then he hugged her. little details leaked into the mix over the yrs. at one point tony dismissed her as having flown overseas to a foreign country to drink in the sun like she’d always wanted even tho alyssa always told bradley she liked the snow best (once she even walked outside as it fell in a thin lace nightgown when tony was out n when bradley said “mom you’re gonna get cold” she only tugged her down and made her do snow angels until her lips looked blue). the most significant memory bradley can never shake from her head is her mother cupping a yellow tulip at the park n saying she hated them. when bradley asked why she only turned and smiled at her as she stroked the hair from her face n then said “because they look so happy”. after bradley’s mum vanished a long flower bed at the bottom of the garden was suddenly overrun with dozens of freshly planted yellow tulips. whenever bradley looked at them out of her window she got this sickly feeling in the pit of her stomach like she was visiting a cemetery. she suspected what had happened to her mum (especially as rumours circulated within tony’s organisation abt alyssa being unfaithful with someone tht used to work fr him) bt she cld never bring herself to truly accept it. thus she ws stuck in this strange purgatory state of not-quite-anger at her mum for “leaving” and not-quite-grief.

bradley rly started to transgress in school after her mum was gone. alyssa was always kind of a character when she’d pick bradley up (wasn’t doing well n acted kind of ‘eccentric’ i suppose u cld say) so tony managed to spin it all as a child acting out in the wake of an unfit mother uprooting n abandoning. bradley became........ interesting. JKHGFSSKJGHFSGHSKFGHFG. she’d snap n resort to violence very easily. very desensitised to it. students were kind of scared of her tbh. as this progressed into proper high school she got in w the more rowdy popular crowd solely bc she was so fking.... wild for lack of a better word. rly would just do anything fr the thrill. had no sense of ‘i shouldn’t do this bc it’s dangerous’. partied harder than anyone. bit back harder than anyone. no filter. hung w a lot of guys honestly bc they had less morals n either found her scariness cool or wanted to fk <3

(hospitalisation, depression & drugs tw) she’s had. a few stints in psychiatric institutions fr various reasons tbh. missed a small chunk of her senior yr fr this but it wasn’t widely known just kind of rumoured. she showcases a lot of similar symptoms to her mum who struggled w severe depression (which was difficult to cope w when ur husband was often pouring ur prescription down the drain fr kicks) n in order to compensate fr the lows she takes a lot of things to kick them into highs. drinks n snorts too much. bradley i love u bt i’m begging u to seek healthier coping mechanisms......

as the yrs went on (especially once alyssa had gone) tony rly started trying to integrate bradley into the business side of things...... she literally. is named bradley bc he was expecting a boy n he was like well let’s still call her bradley. n had in mind she’d still fulfil the role he wanted her to of being his little protege so to speak.... both sexist n ugly all in one fell swoop...... an example of this is he literally. bought her a mint green switchblade for her 14th birthday n named it tinkerbell bc it would “die without attention” aka using it. tht sounds like a healthy gift to give a child tony congratulations sis <3

in an ideal world bradley wld have gone to uni to study psychology bc she jst wants to know how the fk her dad is literally like that bt she probably stuck around n is now managing no angels along with billy n marco (billy’s in her dad’s gang n is, u guessed it, a cunt, n marco is his sort of right hand man so to speak) bc tony’s in the closest neighbouring city overseeing a second ‘no angels’ opening up there to expand into a franchise n widen their income margins. bradley wld also be sort of used as a honey trap type deal once she got older if they needed to lure ppl places n sometimes still is bt it depends. the guys in the club all know not to mess w bradley bc she’s tony’s daughter n literally kind of scary herself sometimes bt there’s also this certain allure tht comes with being the boss’ daughter n it kind of comes across in how they act or talk abt her. yes i will kill them all n no i won’t feel bad abt it <3

think that’s kind of all u need to kno history wise... blinks one eye out of sync w the other..... runs to personality

PERSONALITY:

a phrase i wld always use to describe bradley in old intros is “like a cup of black coffee with one grain of sugar that u don’t taste until the last sip”. also dark chocolate. lime. liquorice. she’s an acquired taste n i feel like u either love her or u hate her. 

cannot express how unpredictably chaotic she is..... frequently throws a drink in a stranger’s face jst to start something bc she’s bored. loves to hurl cheese slices across the room so they slap onto someone’s face out of nowhere. likes smashing things. stubbing cigarettes out on faces in framed family photographs. will literally pick a lock n then smash the window besides it to defeat the whole purpose just bc she found how neat it was boring. does anything fr the adrenaline n thrill. gets into far too many fights n fights dirty. probably been thrown out of every bar in town at least three times. banned from a bunch too.

she’s witty bt she has a dark sense of humour..... can be quite mean.......... loves to roast ppl for no reason........ honestly has some nathan young frm misfits aspects in that sense like jst seems untouchable emotionally n like she doesn’t take anything seriously n is fking outrageous about it.....

has this quality abt her tht kind of scares herself sometimes. it’s like she recognises parts of her dad in her. she’s very perceptive (bc she’s had to be over the yrs trying to read every micro-expression of her dad’s to predict what’s next) n like emotionally intelligent in a way which is ironic bc her own emotions r just an absolute minefield.... bt. she can read people quite well. gets this eerily calm look abt her sometimes n it’s jst like god what’s. she thinking. what’s she’s gna do. i’m shaking. a cool n controlled kind of rage can often be scarier than the explosive type n bradley does that well. grits my teeth n tugs on my collar....

very strong on the surface. hates being vulnerable. has this ingrained idea that crying is childish or rly any kind of emotional display within herself. 50% not taking things seriously 50% angry. tht’s how she comes across....... internally? whole different story. bt ppl don’t see that.

very cavalier abt some things. will flash her tits n not even think abt it. jst very out there...... one of her closest friends is a homeless man named joe who wears neon purple fishnets on his head n loves to spit on ppl from over an underpass. finds eccentric ppl like this funny n surrounds herself w them. loves to be kept on her toes.

LOVES driving stolen cars down the wrong side of the highway. it’s a lot.

fiercely loyal to a fault to a select few bt if u wrong her personally this can switch pretty quick. quite a force to b reckoned w n will hold a grudge. bt like. if ur a Chosen One she��d bury a body for u no questions asked. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

deals to u: bradley isn’t like full time into dealing bt she does do it sometimes.... treats it kind of like a hobby bc the lesser ranked can do tht shit as far as she’s concerned bt.. sometimes also jst gets bored n is like. why not. might be chaotic. mayb they’ll try to rob me <3 we love the thrill <3 or like..... if ur friends w her she’ll deal to u n no she will not do a friends discount <3 or if she does there will definitely be some sort of stipulation attached <3

high skl crew: if ur muse is local n ws an absolutely demonic hell spawn in high skl tht went to 1974547254 parties n was outrageously chaotic n rude then. bradley probably was friends w them <3 her friendships tend to be surface level bt they’d definitely go out a bunch bt whether they actually knew a lot abt her life is debatable bt we could explore options fr this

people who work at no angels: no angels is her dad’s strip club in irving that she kind of helps to run now. it’s kind of a shifty environment. the place where ud have an outrageous bachelor party. u go for the first time w a fake id n u get served bt u also get ur wallet stolen n ur convinced someone spat in ur drink n u also kind of think there might b a hit on u now after u made eye contact too long w a broad shouldered man smoking in a back booth. scary environment. testament to her dad as a person. maybe ur muse is a dancer there or works the bar or security or whatever u name it....

ma’am are u ok?: ur muse found bradley passed out across two bus seats one time in smudged dark eyeliner a silver slip dress n the world’s chunkiest combat boots this town hs ever seen. sometimes she winds up in spots like this when she goes too hard n it’s absolutely dangerous n reckless bt that’s jst bradley <3 mayb they forged an unlikely friendship frm this strange meeting or maybe even? dare i say it? a romance? opposite worlds colliding? good influence? let’s go crazy. release ur inhibitions. feel the rain on ur skin.

hook-ups: bradley’s cavalier abt this stuff..... very unemotional typically..... mayb we cld do an unrequited thing that wld be angsty n fun altho i won’t lie i don’t kno if she’d be the one to catch the feelings.... she rarely sleeps over bt once when she woke up in someone’s bed she hiked over to straddle them carefully as possible so they wldn’t wake up n then pressed her knife to their neck as a fun little surprise where she said boo when they opened their eyes.... she’s a lot clearly.

watermelon slugger, hiiii: bradley has this habit where she gets a bunch of watermelons n then goes to a rooftop n throws them over the edge to watch them explode when they hit the pavement.... maybe ur muse almost got hit by one once n were like WTF???????? another quirky meet cute moment like the bus one <3 can’t stop w them <3 maybe she randomly invited ur muse to do it w her when they were like. a stranger of f the street. she was bored. decided to adopt them as a science experiment. we cn elaborate on this probably....

ouch charlie: similar territory bt she also sometimes shoots pedestrians w a bb gun from rooftops. mayb ur muse wld always get hit by one on a certain route they walked n finally one day they saw her head ducking down behind a ledge n then they see her in the street one day n are like HEY IT’S YOU............. WTF? n bradley’s like ya i’m christ risen again it’s a lot to take in i know...

rly jst anything... mutually destructive friends... exes.... in one rp a character tried to get close to bradley so he cld write an expose all book about her n her family which i found so fking funny so i’ll request that again.... people she’s fought.... ppl whose gf/bf she’s fk’d n it’s caused enemy status.... someone whose place she broke into and shaved their eyebrows off in the night only to draw them on again in crudely thin permanent sharpie lines.... roommates cld be fun n sexy i’d love that actually.... jst anything rly. go wild. kisses everyone tenderly on cheeks.

[harryandmolly]

fear and loathing in mandeville canyon *6*

summary: Shawn & Lilly, derailed, detoured, but maybe not destroyed

warnings: language, not all fluff is fluffy (ya feel?), a chapter pic that walked into my hands and curled up and fell asleep

wc: 3.7k

---------

Lilly’s eyes slide shut. There’s no fighting it now, not when he’s kissing her throat like this, mouthing at her like a melting ice cream cone.

She kind of feels like one. It’s summer in Southern California, even though it’s May. They’ve started sharing Lilly’s balcony bedroom and can’t agree on whether to keep the doors open when they sleep. She still gets weird about the bird that flew in and woke them up that one time by shitting on her yoga mat. He likes the nature sounds, though. It reminds him of Pickering even more than his place in Toronto does. They’re not actually secluded out here but it feels like it sometimes, in a nice way. 

It also doesn’t help, he supposes, that every mosquito in LA county finds a way to get under their sheets and bite her, and only her, when they leave a door or window open for airflow. He tells her it’s because she’s so sweet. She swears at him.

She won the battle last night, so the doors and windows are closed. The air is stagnant. In such an old house, the central air isn’t great. They’ve kicked all their sheets off and are down to their underwear. He likes the way her skin tastes a little salty-sweaty. 

He’s not after anything other than holding her. In the few weeks since they’ve started back up again, their sex life has been borderline out of control. Shawn is chalking it up to lost time.

He likes the way she sighs and slips her fingers into his hair like she’s resigned to his attentions. He keeps his hands north of her underwear, conscious of not making her feel like she’s merely an outlet. He’s just… happy. He could count on two hands the number of nights they got to sleep in the same bed before they broke up. This is the height of luxury for him.

Shawn murmurs contentedly into the column of her neck. “Your skin’s so soft,” he whispers, skimming his nose beneath her jaw, “How do you get it like that?”

She giggles. He’s on fire, pleasantly burning.

“You saw my truckload of sheet masks. They’re not for decoration.”

Shawn pulls his head up, flipping his curls out of his eyes. He overdoes it, still used to having a lot more hair than he does now. She smooths it away for him.

“I’ve been bad lately,” he confesses, wrinkling his nose, “I ran out of the stuff Anna gave me like a month ago. And I do sheet masks a lot more when we’re touring, being on the bus and shit.”

Lilly looks crestfallen. Shawn lifts his brows in question.

“The only reason I’m in bed with you is to steal your outrageously expensive skincare.”

Her convincingly innocent expression goes impish so fast he’s glad he didn’t blink. He grunts and skims his teeth against her jaw as he laughs, swatting at her ass.

“Are you gonna share your masks or what?”

Ten minutes later, he has one of her terrycloth headbands pushing his hair back and Lilly almost sitting on his bare chest as she carefully presses the slick sheet to his face. She taught him how to make little cuts along the forehead, eyes, lips and jaw to fit it to your face best. It’s still too small for his giant head, but Lilly’s determined.

“There,” she declares, scooting back over his ribs. Shawn lifts his hands to her thighs, rubbing them softly as he watches her apply her own, expertly snipping the center of her nose flap to fold it up and out of the way of her piercing.

Shawn shuts his eyes and lulls himself further into this intoxicating calm with her.

“What’re these supposed to do?”

“Brighten, boost collagen, support cell turnover.”

Lilly flops on her back beside him. She nestles into the sheets and groans like they haven’t been lying in bed all day. She sneaks her fingers in between his. His nose twitches as he tries not to smile and fuck up his mask.

He rubs his thumb against the back of her hand.

Her whisper is quiet, strained. “Stop making me smile, you’re going to fuck up my mask.”

+

It’s Shawn’s turn to make breakfast. So, eggs.

Lilly swings her legs against the counter as she sits across from him, curating a playlist because you know when you just wake up and it’s a Beach Boys morning?

Apparently it’s a Beach Boys morning. Shawn has no arguments. Even if he did, he’s too distracted to voice them. It’s arriving today, all of it. As much of a professional recording studio as can be packaged and very carefully, very expensively delivered to their rental. Lilly’s been trying to keep him engaged since they woke up, they even braved taking their first masked walk around their neighborhood. Apart from the possibility of a rogue and well-hidden phone camera, he thinks they made it out without being spotted. As far as Shawn can tell, the internet thinks he’s in Toronto. He’s comfortable keeping it that way.

Turns out even aside from worming back into Lilly’s life, LA was a good idea. His team came up with a whole plan to keep him busy and keep him recording, but it would’ve been much harder to execute if he were a country away. He has Zoom sessions with producers lined up and instruments being tracked at other home studios, all the ones he can’t do himself, anyway. Now he just needs the equipment.

Shawn is folding spinach, mushrooms and onion into what he hopes is omelet-shaped eggs, kind of, sort of, when his phone buzzes hard against the granite.

“Ohmygodthey’rehere,” he hisses, barreling toward the front door without shutting off the burners, leaving Lilly swearing at him in his wake.

The proceeding half hour of large, larger, and largest Pelican cases being hauled into the living room is torture. It’s like if you had to watch your mum and dad bring all the presents from downstairs and stack them strategically under the Christmas tree before you got to rip them open. Once the delivery guys leave, they spend another half hour wiping down every square inch of the case surfaces with Clorox and taking stock of the equipment.

Shawn looks to Lilly, pained and squirming. She snorts.

“Go for it, champ.”

Shawn descends, Lilly close behind him. In another two hours, they spread everything out on the floor in relative chaos and exhaust themselves to the point of near panic.

Shawn scrapes his hands over his face and into his hair, grabbing at it to ground himself. “We just… I dunno, we gotta call Andrew or Teddy or somebody, we can’t do this alone, it’s too much.”

Lilly sits on her knees in front of a case full of long polls on stands that he can’t remember the name of. She makes a sour face and her high ponytail bobs against her cheek. His stupid sentimental heart swells.

“I hate it when you make me the positive one. Shawn, it’s fine. We need food, we need coffee, we need a strategy, this is fine. This is fine!” Her pitch rises noticeably at the end of her short pep talk. It’s distractingly anxious.

Shawn looks around hopelessly at the thousands of dollars of equipment strewn across the living room floor until she drags him by the wrist into the kitchen. They pass on their now sad and definitely burnt omelet and order from Eggslut, promising each other that they’ll have Sweetgreen salads for dinner.

Back on the floor, barefoot and hungry, they toss ideas back and forth between bites of brioche egg sandwiches. By the time the tater tots are gone, Shawn is off the ledge, coaxed slowly and with care (and carbs). 

The plan is, essentially, a giant blanket fort. Since the living room is at the back of the house away from the street and the pool, it’s nice and quiet, but they need absolute silence for a clean track. They scout out a cozy corner, working around the baby grand, with enough room for the mics and recording equipment, plus a couch for Lilly if she promises to be very quiet.

“Ok so if we get the C-stands up around eight and a half feet, that should clear the mics,” Lilly declares, dragging sound-deadening furni pads out of another case.

Shawn’s head falls back. “C-stand. That’s it. Shit, I couldn’t come up with it earlier.”

Lilly winks and begins sorting them by size. Shawn turns to a case of C-stands and plucks one from a folded bunch. Within 25 seconds, he’s struggling, kicking at the legs and turning dials that don’t seem to do shit.

Lilly’s little hands appear in his view as she gently handles it, demonstrating the way the legs swing out and the stand rises. 

“You’re so handy,” he praises teasingly, slipping his fingers between hers. She willingly releases the stand and slides around behind him, shrugging her arms around his stomach. He tries to peer at her over his shoulder and wonders if she can feel the way his pulse increases.

“Sorry, did you say ‘handsy?’” she murmurs, pushing her fingers beneath the elastic of his gym shorts. He holds his breath, muscles tensing everywhere. Just as soon as she’s there, suddenly she’s gone, nibbling away at his shoulder blade as he whistles an exhale through his nose. He chuckles and turns in her arms.

“Guess I gotta be the brains and the braun on this one,” Lilly says, lifting onto her toes and pecking his lips. Shawn grunts, looking to hold her a little longer, but she squirms away.

Lilly got her Beach Boys after all, on the house speakers at an almost egregious volume. They continue working, stringing up furni pad “walls” on C-stands and gathering extra throws and rugs from around the house. The problem is the fort’s ceiling.

“We can suspend them from the chandelier, as long as some of the weight still rests on the walls. But how do we get up there, can you reach? No. Wait-- no, no, is there a ladder? There has to be a ladder,” Lilly rants, turning circles beneath the chandelier until Shawn intervenes, catching at her arm.

“I’m your ladder.”

Lilly blinks, then squints. “Terrible plan.”

Shawn balks. “Great plan!”

“What, you’re gonna lift me? For minutes on end? It’s going to take a while.”

“You can sit on my shoulders. And that way I can keep you company,” he quips with a crooked grin. He likes the way his smile makes her smile.

“Shawn, no, you haven’t even been working out recently, and--”

Her realization of her own mistake takes over her face. Now that she’s made it sound like she doesn’t think he’s capable, he won’t leave it alone until she lets him prove it. She sighs.

“I can do it, Lill, you’re really not heavy. C’mon, I can always put you down. It’ll be fine!”

She cringes. “Famous last words, Mendes.”

Shawn corrals her with confidence and kisses until she’s sitting on the edge of the bar counter with her legs out as Shawn crawls beneath her and into position with her thighs on his shoulders. 

“Three… two… one…,” Shawn grunts, ignoring Lilly’s persistent “oh god, oh god” muttering under her breath. He uses his lower body to press himself to stand. Lilly squeaks a little, clenching her legs tightly against his chest. He squeezes his hands on her quads with a little laugh.

“Told you. Did you seriously think I was gonna fuckin’ drop you?”

“I didn’t think you’d mean to,” Lilly mutters. She tugs once at his curls and presses into him again, giving him a feel for just what all those tree poses were for.

“Giddy up.”

One step at a time, they waddle beneath the chandelier. Lilly hooks up the loops she ingeniously sewed onto the furni pads to heavy duty Command hooks and sticks them up to the ceiling, one by one. The final pad goes up and the world goes dark.

“Oh my god,” Lilly breathes.

Shawn exhales. “We fuckin’ did it.”

Lilly lets out a squeak and smacks at his chest. “High five me!”

“I can’t see you!”

With a final uncoordinated scramble, Shawn kneels and Lilly stumbles off his shoulders. They fall into a puddle, enclosed in the quiet darkness.

“Thank you,” Shawn whispers, reaching out to touch whatever he finds. It happens to be her belly, where her shirt has ridden up. Her abs contract. He fights a goofy smile, even in the dark.

“I knew it was important to you.”

Shawn seeks her out. He can’t help it. He wriggles around until his head replaces his hand on her stomach, and links their fingers.

“I need to ask you something.”

Shawn looks up where her face should be in the blackness. He nods.

“How… many songs are about her? I just need to prepare myself for it.”

Shawn wishes he could see her face now. He thinks her voice is steady, but he can always read her face better. Whatever it is, it’s always in those big blue eyes.

“A lot,” he says honestly, “I went on a writing spree when we first got together. It was confusing, I think, because there was so fuckin’ much going on in my head. But writing about her helped… I dunno. I think it distracted me from how I still felt about you.”

He feels her swallow, but doesn’t hear it. The panic starts to rise, pushing him to keep talking.

“I don’t know what recording these songs is gonna feel like, Lill. I’m scared there isn’t gonna be any life in them. Because I don’t feel those things anymore. That’s why I left.”

Lilly sits up. Shawn’s head slides into her lap. His pulse is in his ears. He’s sick to his stomach.

“How do I know you didn’t say the same fucking thing to her when you left me?”

There’s no anger in it, just hurt. Shawn sits up, shaking his head, even though he knows she can’t see.

“Lill, please, I’m sorry. I really am. Fuck, I know it’s… it’s shitty. I can’t pretend to get it from your side. And I really don’t want to hurt you again.”

Her huff is aggravated, but she’s not running. He clings to hope.

“Well, it’s gonna hurt, Shawn, there’s kind of no getting around that if 90% of your album is ‘I finally got the girl’ songs.”

Shawn knows very little about life in general, he recognizes that, but he knows better than to argue the percentage right now. Tentatively, he reaches for her, finding her knee.

“Tell me what you need.”

“I don’t know,” she snaps. Shawn draws his hand back and feels his chest tighten. It can’t end like this. Not after everything.

“Ok,” Shawn breathes, nodding to himself, ready to collect his shredded dignity and search on his hands and knees for the flap of furni pad they designed as the door.

Her hand stops him. She grabs at him clumsily in the dark, then finds his wrist. She can probably feel his pulse in her small fingers.

“You know I’d never, ever tell you not to record a song, right?”

There’s a desperation he barely recognizes in her voice. He nods until he remembers she can’t see him.

“Yeah, Lill.”

“Because I wouldn’t. I’d never try to take something like that away from you. I know you would sooner die before putting anything on a record that you don’t think belongs there, and it belongs there because you love it. I’d never want you to put that aside for my feelings.”

“I know,” he whispers tenderly, smoothing the pad of his thumb across the tendons of her wrist.

“Ok,” she says, creeping back toward calm, “Good. Then… do what you’re gonna do. Make the best fucking record. And we’ll figure it out.”

Shawn ducks his head. He knows ‘lucky’ doesn’t begin to cover it. But now when he writes, he works on finding a bunch of other words to help him get there.

Lilly exhales through her nose. It’s quiet for a few long seconds. Until--

“I’m so getting producer credit for all this shit, by the way.”

+

“This was a bad idea,” Lilly groans.

Shawn looks over at her. She’s shrugged into a ball in the front seat of his rented Range Rover. Her knees cover her masked face. Her eyes dart anxiously.

“Stop doing that,” he sighs, reaching over with one hand and pushing at her knees, “The windows are tinted. You’re wearing a mask. I’m wearing a mask. It’s fine, honey.”

Even with half her face covered, Lilly looks skeptical. He leaves his hand on her thigh and rubs circles with his thumb while they sail down an uncharacteristically empty Mulholland Drive.

Shawn was desperate to get out. They’ve barely left the property in six weeks, an unignorable reminder of their privilege. But while Lilly would very happily never see a human again as long as she lives, Shawn is a Leo.

“Yeah, and?” he prods after she reminds him of his astrological sign over post-workout protein smoothies.

“And that means you are not a happy camper without a spotlight. In your case both literally and metaphorically.”

He laughed and kissed her. She let him.

But the drive was a tough sell. Even though he promised they wouldn’t get out anywhere, even in a socially distant setting, it felt like a risk to Lilly. It took the reassurance of the windows and the masks to even get her in the car.

Now that they’re here, Shawn feels something heavy in his chest dissolving that he didn’t realize was there. He sings along to Spotify and drums on the steering wheel and points out crazy houses as they wind through various canyon neighborhoods, Lilly’s favorite.

“It took what, two days for pap photos to show up of you guys walking around her neighborhood in Miami? That was Miami, Shawn. How do you not expect paps to be stalking every tinted-out Range Rover within 5 square miles of Beverly Hills?”

Shawn’s thumb stills. He tilts his head back and forth at a stop sign, stretching his neck.

“We called them.”

Lilly looks up at him. “Hmm?”

“The paps in Miami, they were there because our teams called them.”

Lilly’s brows pull together. “But there were pictures almost everyday. For like, a week.”

“Yeah,” Shawn sighs, “I know.”

Lilly is silent and contemplative. He starts up the soothing rubbing of her skin, even if it’s more effective for him than for her.

“It’s just that if they do happen to find us, that’s it. We’re officially on the radar. Everyone will know you broke up, everyone will know we’ve been staying together. For weeks, Shawn. It sends a very clear message.”

They roll to a stop at a light somewhere near Outpost Estates. Shawn tugs his mask down below his chin.

“I’m prepared for all of that. It’s ok if you’re not, if you’d rather keep it quieter this time, I totally get it. Things are… different now. But you’re not my dirty little secret, Lills, you never have been and I will never let you feel that way.”

Lilly cedes, dropping her own mask and wetting her lips. “I don’t want to… hide. I just want you to be prepared for the fact that a lot more people are going to be mad at you for leaving her for me than were mad when you left me for her.”

The light turns green. Shawn bites his lip and presses the gas. They drive in silence for a while.

“Did I scare you?”

Shawn startles a little at the sound of her voice and cracks a little smile.

“No, baby, you didn’t. I mean, I know the deal by now. It’s just… so fucking unfair to you.”

Shawn finds a quiet little cul de sac that backs up against a wooded area. He parks and turns the music down.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Lilly pleads only half playfully, “I know fandom at least as well as you do. It’s ok.”

“But how?” Shawn insists, squinting at her, “How is it ok? The things people say to you, and you’re not even a public figure. How does it not get to you?”

Lilly smiles sadly. “It does sometimes. But I decided a long time ago that you were worth it.”

The guilt weighs heavily all over again. Leaving her feels unfathomable now, like it wasn’t a year ago that he did it, but ten years. That was a stupid kid version of him then. He knows so much better now. He hopes he does.

Shawn links their fingers and draws Lilly’s knuckles to his lips. He watches her over the top of them. She sinks happily into her seat and goes a lovely shade of pink.

“If I wrote down how many times I day I think about how fucking crazy I am about you, the world would be out of paper.”

Lilly cackles, tossing her head back. Her laugh makes him laugh.

“What?” he giggles.

“What a line!” she crows.

“That wasn’t a line, that was from my deep and lyrical heart!”

“That was the line-iest line that has ever lined. Shawn Mendes, you smooth motherfucker.”

He rolls his eyes but can’t stop grinning. “Shut up. I’m never saying anything nice to you again.”

“Mmm, you can’t help it, honey, you’re Canadian.”

He huffs an exhale through his nose and closes his eyes. Her thumb is soft and warm against the back of his hand.

“And apparently really fucking crazy about me,” she adds softly. He tilts his head and opens one eye to look at her.

“I am. Can’t remember why though.”

Lilly’s lips pucker as she considers a thought. Shawn’s legs tingle.

“Put the seats down in the back and I’ll happily remind you.”

Shawn feels his eyes go comically wide. Lilly’s lips spread into a Cheshire cat smile.

“You’re kidding. You’re not kidding?”

“I’m actually super not kidding.”

He hears her laughing as he leaps out of the car and crawls into the trunk to put the seats down. She doesn’t stop until the trunk closes behind them and his lips are on her earlobe.

-----------

Taglist: @smallerinfinities​ @the-claire-bitch-project @achinglyshawn​ @infiniteshawn​ @mendesoft @singanddreamanyway​ @alone-in-madness​ @abigfatmess​ @shawnitsmutual​ @awkwardfangirl2014​ @september-lace​ @sinplisticshawn​ @rollingxstone​ @randi-eve​ @fallmoreinlove @heyits-claire​ @itrocksmysocks​ @parkerspicedlatte​ @simpledomain​ @abeautiful-and-cloudy-day​ @thecurlsofgod​ @magcon7280​ @bensbuttercup​ @shawnsmusical​ @paigeasourous​ @tell-me-when-ur-ready​ @softmendesss​ @searchingunderthestars​ @buggy-blogs​ @mendesficsxbombay​ @siennarossi​ @lostinshawnsmemory​ @umbreakablesoul​ @sleepybesson​ @shawnsheaven @poseshawn​ @shaawnie @shawn-youth​ @graysonmendes​

[citylightsbooks]

5 Questions with Chet'la Sebree, Author of Field Study

Chet'la Sebree is the director of the Stadler Center for Poetry and Literary Arts at Bucknell University and the author of Mistress, winner of the 2018 New Issues Poetry Prize and nominated for a 2020 NAACP Image Award. Her poetry has appeared in the Kenyon Review, Guernica, Pleiades, and elsewhere.

Chet'la will be in conversation with Dantiel W. Moniz, discussing her new book Field Study (published by FSG) in our City Lights LIVE! discussion series on June 5th!

******

Where are you writing to us from?

From my birth month of May.

From the left side of a rented duplex in central PA.

From the third floor in a patterned, blue-velvet armchair across from my teal-painted desk.

And, because I didn’t finish this all at once, from the first floor enjoying the afternoon sun.

What’s kept you sane during the pandemic?

I want to be the kind of person who says exercise. I certainly spent some time on my mat and pounding the pavement, but it has really been food, wine, and fellowship that have held me together. These have always been the things that kept me sane. In grad school, I loved having people over for potluck dinners. But this sort of fellowship surrounding food took on new meaning in the pandemic. It wasn’t just that I learned how to make gluten-free pasta from scratch or placed orders for specialty wine shipments, but it was the sturdy calendar of happy hours and dinner dates kept me going. I did everything from virtual wine tastings to learning how to make injera with poet Diana Khoi Nguyen with home-ground teff to have boozy brunches and movie nights with friends from high school and college.

Right before the pandemic, I transitioned into a new job as a tenure-track professor and director of a university literary arts center and was traveling for my first book, Mistress, which meant sometimes I was in two different cities in one week, while also teaching classes and hosting events. This meant that I spent little time with my friends. Moving around less meant that I could not only reconnect but deepen relationships. Nearly every week since the beginning of the pandemic, I’ve been meeting with prose writers Dantiel W. Moniz and María Isabel Álvarez—both of whom I’d met at a writing residency in 2017. Our first Zoom was an attempt to heal the wound of not seeing each other at a March 2020 conference. What started as a conversation, led to salons, led to work sessions, led to us planning for our own future residencies. We’ve cried; we’ve rooted each other on; we’ve held each other accountable. They kept me going through the last rounds of writing and editing Field Study, and I can’t wait to talk to Dantiel about it on June 5th!

What books are you reading right now? Which books do you return to?

Right now, I’m primarily reading emails and my students’ final portfolios, but I’m so excited for the pleasure reading this summer will bring. When I can sneak a moment, though, I am toggling between three books: Felicia Zamora’s newest collection I Always Carry My Bones; Nana Nkweti’s brand neew Walking on Cowrie Shells; and Philip Pullman’s The Subtle Knife. That last one is a reread; I first read the His Dark Materials series in high school. I often return to books I read in those pre-college years—fantasy and sci-fi novels like Ender’s Game but also Toni Morison’s The Bluest Eye, Jean Rhys’s Wide Sargasso Sea, and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. I like thinking about who I’ve become since first reading them.

The book I would say I return to the most, however, is probably Audre Lorde’s Sister Outsider, or maybe even just specific essays in it: “Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power,” “The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism,” and “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House.”

Which writers, artists, and others influence your work in general, and this book, specifically?

I’m such a sponge, which is part of what made writing Field Study so fun. The patchwork style of quotes interwoven with my own language gave me a space to name names of those that influenced me. It gave me the chance to be in conversation with literary legends and thinkers like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, Tressie McMillan Cottom, and Maya Angelou, while also calling on my brother, best friend, and cousin for insight.

I’m inspired by visual artists like Georgia O’Keefe, Nekisha Durrett, Alison Saar, Carrie Mae Weems, Stephanie J. Williams, and Deborah Willis, but I’m also inspired by theatre, films, dance, television. Who knows what Field Study would be if it weren’t for the TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s Normal People that came out in April 2020. I am an early-to-bed person, but I finished watching the series at around 11:45pm, got out of bed, and worked on Field Study until 7am. Then, I slept for four hours, got up, and worked for the rest of the day. In watching that well-orchestrated chaos and intimacy, I was taken back to my early twenties, on which Field Study is loosely based. That’s how I work—something gets me in my guts, as poet E.G. Asher would say, and I find my way into the work. It could be a good show, Max Richter’s recomposed Vivaldi, or a nice food and wine paring that gets me going.

I also wrote to an erratic playlist that’s also representative of the diversity of conversations in Field Study. The music included everything from Foo Fighters and Paramore to Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill to Henryk Górecki and Sol Rising.

If you opened a bookstore, where would it be located, what would it be called, and what would your bestseller be?

My bookstore, URGE, would double as an integrative wellness center with a mind / body / spirit focus. We’re talking incenses and essential oils along with your book of the month picks. There’d be two locations: one on Whidbey Island, where I finished my first book Mistress, and laid the groundwork for Field Study; and the other in DC, which still calls to me even though I moved from the city seven years ago.

My bestsellers would be a tie between anything Audre Lorde (probably not surprising) and anything Bob’s Burgers-related, since my inner circle would know I got the name of the bookstore from the show’s Season 11’s Valentine’s episode: “Romancing the Beef.”

[dossi-io]

Yugyeom - Point of View (Debut EP) ┃Review

With his debut project Yugyeom takes his first steps under AOMG’s wing but does little to separate himself from the current landscape of K-R&B artists.

The content of this article is also available in video format, embedded at the bottom of this article.

Background

For those of you who are into K-pop, the name Yugyeom will probably be quite familiar. Most got to know him as the main dancer in the incredibly successful group GOT7. In January of this year, the group’s seven year contract with JYP Entertainment ended. No contracts were renewed, which naturally led to the group parting ways with the company. During February, AOMG announced that Jugyeom had signed with the label on social media. This announcement was accompanied by a dance video performance of Yugyeom dancing his ass off to Travis and Thugger’s banger; FRANCHISE.

Now, four months later, he’s not only making his debut as a full on solo artist, but also an AOMG one. Before checking the project out, I was not very familiar with either Yugyeom or GOT7’s music, so I went into this with zero expectations.

Point of View

Point of View is a 7-track EP with a runtime of 24 minutes. The subject matter here revolves around love, but there’s no real substance to the lyrics. The primary focus was obviously the sound and vibe of each track. You can tell that there was some effort put into organizing a tracklist with a varied selection of sounds. You’ll hear a decent mix of tracks ranging from moody and trapsoul inspired music, to ballads and even some party bops.

The project quite clearly shows that Yugyeom is not the strongest vocalist. Both his bright tone and vocal inflections feel rather generic, closely resembling the likes of DEAN or Red House. It can be quite nasally at times, which might bother some, but I didn’t mind it. His performance on the entire project is rather simple, but is decent enough to get the job done.

Tracks

The EP kicks things off with the track “I Want U Around”, featuring DeVita. If you’re a regular listener of modern R&B, you’re bound to have heard similar sounding tracks to this one. It’s your simple, run of the mill, moody trapsoul inspired track. For frequent R&B listeners like me, I find it important to distinguish yourself from the vast sea of talented R&B artists nowadays. While both of them had some decent performances on the track, with DeVita’ vocals obviously stealing the show, there is still a bit of their very own characteristics missing.

I think DeVita was on the right path when she started messing around with harmonies, during the latter part of her verse. She also had a few cool vocal runs going on. My main gripe was that, just as it was beginning to get interesting, her verse got cut off. The track was a solid one, but I’m not too crazy about it. I can however appreciate the importance of this track, in terms of impact on DeVita’s career. This is quite the amazing boost for someone this early on in their career. If you’re interested in learning all about DeVita, I did an in-depth video covering her story. Linked here.

“Running Through The Rain”, is the second track and turned out to be my favorite one. This is one of those tracks that despite Yugyeom not having killer vocals, his vocals are still decent enough to make quite the catchy track. This track had me boppin my head along all throughout it. Despite the extremely dull and bare bone hook, I was still finding enjoyment due to other aspects of the track keeping me engaged. When it comes to the production, GRAY really did his thing here. I think he showcases why he’s been able to remain relevant in the industry for close to a decade now. There’s an expertise to how he keeps the instrumental interesting. It comes down to his beat structure, which combats the simplicity to become noticeably monotonous. The sound selection with it’s blend of trendy synth sounds, guitars and percussion, mixes neatly together with Yugyeom’s vocals. The talkbox vocals really took the track to another level.

“All Your Fault”, is the title track and seems to be a fan favorite. It starts off with some clean strummed guitar hits. Throughout the track, the guitar licks and improvised playing add so much to the complete package. These guitar elements are obviously quite restrained in this pop-format and aim to be more subtle. Yugyeom begins to use a bit more harmonies in the background. Even while simple, they add some much needed qualities to his vocals. Building upon this there’s some well matched set of drums and percussion. The trap hi-hats are mixed very well, making sure not to take focus away from the other elements of the track, which can be a weakness when using busy trap hi-hats. GRAY’s feature on the track added a nice contrast to YUGYEOM. With all of this combined, we have yet another example of a well arranged track.

“All About You”, switches things up with some different energy. The booming 808s and the dancehall inspired drum pattern really begs the listener to get up and move. Having this lively blend of genres and a solid verse from Loco is a great way to vary the energy level of the tracklist. I found the live performance of this song on ELLE STAGE to be quite impressive, due to how closely he sounded to the recorded version.

“Love The Way”, is another fun energetic track bringing the party vibes, produced by Cha Cha Malone. This one just has that sound that will find its way to plenty of summer party playlists. Featuring both punchnello and Jay Park, I’m sure plenty of AOMG fans will mess with this. It’s a cool party record but besides that there’s not much else going on.

“Fallin In Love”, is for sure the weakest track here. I don’t think this type of production from Cha Cha suits Yugyeom that well. It highlights his shortcomings as a vocalist a bit too much, in my opinion.

Why does this not work? Well, on this track Cha Cha provides a very straightforward and super simplistic beat. With such a beat it allows a listener’s utmost focus to be put on the vocals. This works great with an artist who, either has strong vocals, an interesting approach to a track or an interesting tone. You can hear this formula working beautifully on tracks like “Lust” by Hoody, for example. The uninteresting beat and vocals just lead to something a bit too basic and plain, for my tastes. On a positive note though, props for once again adding a track with a different sound to the rest of the tracklist.

The project ends with the track; “When U Fall”. This one didn’t really connect with me, for pretty similar reasons as the previous track. The monotonous nature of the instrumental results in quite a dull and uninspired song. Even the four bars that make up the bridge feel rushed and half-hearted. I can’t feel the passion here, which for me is essential for a convincing love ballad. Instead it just feels too artificial.

Closing thoughts

With this project Yugyeom does little to separate himself from the current landscape of K-R&B artists. I think ‘Point of View’ is a decent EP, and for the most part an enjoyable listen. Knowing his background as a GOT7 member it becomes quite clear that having to carry a track all by himself is a bit awkward. Thankfully the features help out a lot with this issue, besides “Running Through The Rain” the weakest tracks are the ones where he’s by himself.

The writing of the hooks on the project feels very novice, leaving a lot to be desired. Pretty much all of them are basic and repetitive to the point that any listener should have no issue singing along during their initial listen. In combination with these dull hooks, the vocal performances, while passable, can get stale quickly. The tracks that work tend to do so, due to decent beat structure, features or switch-ups to keep things engaging.

Working on his vocals, approach to hooks, and more interesting things going on vocally, like harmonies could go a long way for Yugyeom. Working on these aspects I believe will help him avoid sounding as monotonous as in this EP. According to Jay Park, he’s already working hard on his vocals, which sounds promising.

There’s one important thing to consider regarding this EP. It marks the start of a new chapter in Yugyeom’s career, so most importantly it’s a stepping stone. If he works on his vocals, paired with his amazing talents as a dancer he’ll become a force to be reckoned with.

Listen to the project here https://aomgofficial.lnk.to/PointOfViewU

Thanks for reading or watching this review.

Credits: 

Gif from ‘I Want U Around’ MV: @moxiepoints​

[its-always-sunny-in-forks]

The Playlist Series

Edward sneaks back into Bella's room for the last time, hiding all memorabilia of their life together. 'As if I never existed...'

Though the house was empty, he still climbed up its side to her window and slid it wide enough to slip through. The last time he would ever do so. He locked his jaw and stopped breathing, refusing to let himself take in her scent one last time as he climbed into her room. If he had, there was no way he would be able to stop himself from going back to the woods, taking her in his arms, and apologizing for the blasphemous lies he had told her. To look her in the eye and tell her that the most important person in his existence, his reason for survival, his soul, was something that he did not want—he stopped the thought in its tracks before he could spin out anymore. He imagined he had a few minutes before she traipsed back to the house through the wet forest behind it, so he got to work fulfilling his promise. As if I’d never existed. I owe her that much.

He gathered a CD from her player, the one he had carefully made for her of a few select piano pieces he had recorded. With his sharp eyes he saw the erosion of where the laser bore into the disk to read each track; it must have been played on repeat constantly for the short time she’d had it since her birthday. He replaced it with the first music they ever spoke about, some obscure death metal CD that Phil had given her. He’d asked her more about it those first few days during his Spanish inquisition. He focused on her expression, remembering the way her lips moved when she spoke and how her fingers curled around a rogue strand of hair, nervously replacing it behind her ear as if she was meant to be embarrassed for liking a band. He moved on before he got to the blush filling her cheeks.

Pictures from the camera Renee had sent her, gathered into a makeshift scrapbook; Bella’s scrawl below each picture narrating the people and places of her home. He flipped through pages of Forks friends who had commandeered the camera until he got to the sole picture of he and Bella together. He felt his cold, dead heart break just a little bit more when he realized the picture was folded back, Bella’s side facing down, himself on full display. A crude representation of how she viewed them both, willing to destroy her own life for his over and over again; viewing him as an angel in all respects, something he couldn’t be further from if he tried. And he was trying. He would go straight to hell for the mess he left her life in, he knew that undoubtedly.

He plucked his only other remembrance from the album, of he and Charlie in the living room, a smile not quite reaching his eyes. Rose and Emmett had already left at that point. Alice was packing the few closet essentials she refused to leave behind, her and Jasper due to leave in the next few days along with Carlisle and Esme. Alice was no longer speaking to him at that point, convinced he was in the wrong and making an irreparable mistake. The rest of his family were understanding, for the most part, even if they didn’t like the decision he’d come to. He would protect her even if it killed his undead heart.

He would never stop loving her, his psychology was simply unable to be reversed. As much as he wished to, he did not regret stumbling upon the love of his existence in this seemingly uninteresting town. He would be devoted to her until the day his consciousness was ripped from his stone cold frame. Staring down at the few material belongings commemorating the love they shared for such a brief period, he couldn’t bare to rip those from her too, the way he was ripping himself from her heart. He ran his thumb over his own token kept in his pocket, the only possession he’d be taking with him from his family’s home. It’s edges were rough, and the cyclical movement of his thumb along the rim gave him some semblance of calm. A symbol of one of the first times she’d given him a yes: the bottle cap from that first lunch with her. If only he were strong enough to have stayed away to begin with.

He pried a floorboard up from it’s place and it groaned at the intrusion. There he placed his CD, pictures, and the rest of his silent heart.

[transkholins]

hey uh, throwback to 2019 when i made a rand fanmix. posting it because it can't hurt, but note that the track descriptions and song choices are all unedited.

. BLACKOUT — frank turner

but it’s not enough anymore

we can’t turn just around and close the door on the world

it’s asking uneasy questions

this one’s for winternight and the eye of the world. it’s the start of the world going to hell and being overwhelmed by the shadow (“are you afraid of the darkness?”), and it’s essentially rand against the world. he can’t just walk away from it— his house is attacked by trollocs, and the only option he has is to go with moiraine. he doesn’t really know what he’s up against, only that he’s up against something bad.

. HERO — family of the year

let me go

I don’t wanna be your hero

I don’t wanna be a big man

I just wanna fight with everyone else

this song’s all about not wanting to be a part of something big, just wanting a simple and easy life. at the beginning of the great hunt, rand really does not want to be the dragon reborn— I mean, who would? but it’s a role that he’s forced into, nonetheless. at his heart, he’s just a farmboy who wants to go home. moiraine kind of forces his destiny on him, not letting him postpone it or shove it aside. but at this point, he just doesn’t want to be a hero. the song itself is very soft (and acoustic to boot), which I think nicely represents the simple life that rand wants.

. UNUSUAL — typhoon

get your pitchforks out

the crowd is coming and they’ve named you

why, gentle mother, must you wring your hands and weep?

tide brings you a sword, sword will cut you free

dead demands a tribute in the hour of our need

blood be the river to wash the ledgers clean

oh, it took so much self-restraint to not put more than two songs from this album on this playlist. offerings is just so good AND highly existential, so if you’re wanting more sad rand hours, go listen to it. I think this song best fits rand’s start of really being the dragon reborn, around (you guessed it) the dragon reborn. the world is kind of a mess, and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he just does what he thinks he should do. he’s chosen by the pattern— the world demanded a dragon to save the world, and he was the unlucky soul born on the slopes of dragonmount. you know, his blood on the rocks of shayol ghul and all that. this song, like the one preceding it, is softer— rand hasn’t hardened himself like he will in later books. however, around halfway through, it gets louder and brings in more drums. tdr is the start of rand’s transition from farmboy to dragon reborn, in both good ways and bad.

. KIDS — mgmt

we like to watch you laughing

picking insects off of plants

no time to think of consequences

this song focuses a lot on the idea of self-control/self-restraint— not doing more than you have to, good or bad. it reminds me a lot of rand’s earlier experiences with channeling and being ta’veren. saidin is dangerous, what with the taint and all, and drawing too much of either half of the one power has severe consequences. he’s not as in control of his ta’veren-ness as he will be in later books— like his channelling, it’s a bit all over the place. the quote at the beginning of the music video (it’s friedrich nietzsche, not mark twain, but whatever) also ties in with this idea— if you’re not careful, you can become the very thing you were fighting against.

. LOUDER THAN EVER — cold war kids

I was carrying my cheek

I was digging my strange

I was taking you for granted

you were holding the reins

but I can hear you louder than ever

whisper to me, help me remember

I can’t see you but we’re still together

I can hear you louder than ever

moiraine’s “death” is a tipping point for rand— he feels like he could’ve prevented it, even though moiraine literally tells him that he couldn’t, and that what happened was the best possible outcome. after she passes through the portal, rand realizes that he took her presence for granted. her advice was good, if often unwelcome, and after her death rand just ends up going off the rails in so many different ways. when she returns in a memory of light, he realizes how helpful she was to him.

. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH ME — cold war kids

something is not right with me!

something is not right with me!

something is not right with me!

I’m trying not to let it show

the taint on saidin is just really like that, huh? rand can tell that something’s wrong, with lews therin’s voice in his head. the thing is, he doesn’t let anyone know because he’s 1) scared of showing weakness and 2) sane people don’t normally hear voices. this song is fast, but not in an upbeat way— it feels chaotic, panicked, and just barely in control. the singer is almost shouting the lyrics instead of singing them, contributing to that feeling. I think it embodies most male channellers’ experiences with the taint— it isn’t smooth or calm like saidar, it’s a raging river of fire.

. DREAMS OF CANNIBALISM — typhoon

unhand me, I am not a criminal

but I’ve played a guilty part

in the modern sense that one pretends their life is original

I wrote a book and I will call it something cynical

the story’s slow, the hero does not change

and if he can, then he won’t anyway

instead his foes and lovers all become identical

this song ends with the line “soon enough you will be dancing at my funeral,” and I can’t come up with something that encompasses rand-as-the-dragon more. people are terrified of him— hell, even he’s terrified of him. the world doesn’t want a dragon, but they got one anyways. the second set of verses above is a more textual examination of rand at this point— a crown of swords through crossroads of twilight is incredibly slow, and rand doesn’t change much throughout those books (hence why this song covers 4 books). he could make a change in his life if he tried, but he doesn’t, since he thinks he needs to shut others out to protect them. the whole song seems to be conveying the idea of being stuck and not going anywhere, but running from yourself, which, to be fair, is very close to what rand experiences in his own head in these books.

. GHOSTS THAT WE KNEW — mumford and sons

so lead me back

turn south from that place

and close my eyes to my recent disgrace

so give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

’cause oh, that gave me such a fright

but I will hold on as long as you like

just promise me we’ll be alright

I picked a soft song for the softer scene in the gathering storm where min and rand are talking about how cold he’s become. he realizes that he doesn’t have to fake an uncaring and unemotional nature— to be human is to feel, and it’s not bad to be human. the song is about going through something that’s wearing you down (a common interpretation is depression), and knowing that you have someone helping you through it. min sticks with rand during almost everything that happens from lord of chaos to the end of the series. she’s a support for him, and too stubborn to ever leave him, no matter what.

. DARKER — typhoon

I tried, you know, just to toe the line

love all the neighbors and live in the light

sure, I stumbled sometimes

self-contained; a convenient lie

every source of pain, every sting of pride

had to come from the outside

you won’t even fight me fair

wait for the darkness, catch me unaware

yeah, you pull me close

then you twist the knife

of course, that happy, warm feeling can’t last, because that scene is followed by semirhage being sadistic and deciding that now is the perfect time to use this new torture device. because of that, rand ends up shutting himself off even more than before. he’s suspicious and cruel, and thinks only for himself. it’s scary, frankly. darker, like all the songs on the album that it’s from, is very existential, though this song is, fittingly, darker than the others. it’s filled with the sense of impending death and strong suspicion that characterizes rand at this point in his life. he tried to open up, and look where it got him. this quick change is mirrored by the sharp musical contrast between the quiet, acoustic ‘ghosts that we knew’ and and the more drum-heavy, electric, and distorted ‘darker.’

. MOUNTAIN AT MY GATES — foals

I see a mountain in my way

it’s looming larger by the day

I see a darkness in my fate

I’ll drive my car without the brakes

through lanes and stone rows

black granite, wind blows

fire lake and far flame

go now but come again

dark clouds gather ’round

will I run or stand my ground

oh, when I come to climb

show me the mountain so far behind

yeah, it’s farther away

its shadow gets smaller day after day

the obvious scene for this song is the events leading up to rand’s epiphany on dragonmount. I mean, ‘mountain’ is in the song’s name. I think that this song works well to represent the weight and lack of direction he feels in the days building up to that. something that works especially well about this song is how it builds, both lyrically and musically. the song starts with a hopeless and dark tone to the lyrics, and stays that way for a while. the bridge (second set of lyrics above) is where the tone starts to change. the bridge also uses a lot of imagery that one can tie to the buildup— the streets of ebou dar, the rocky and windy peak of dragonmount, the belly of fire in the mountain itself and tar valon, the city that the peak looks over. the song then crescendos into its final segment, where the singer sings “give me my way/give me my love/give me my choice/give me my fate/give me my lungs/give me my voice.” to me, these represent rand’s realization that the reason the wheel keeps turning is so that people can live again and love again.

. COLORFUL — jukebox the ghost

we're just getting started

take your fears and let them go

for the lovers and the broken-hearted

I! love! this! song! I haven’t found another song that captures that feeling of hope in darkness: when everything around you has gone to hell, but you keep going because the darkness isn’t all there is. that’s how veins of gold ends— with rand realizing that there’s something worth fighting and living for. the gathering storm literally ends with rand laughing without bitterness for the first time in months, if not years— he’s finally looking on the bright side of life again.

. BEAUTIFUL LIFE — the collection

you do not have to be good

even the best of us have been misunderstood

so get up onto your feet

the sun is shining repentance through the leaves

its rays will wash you clean

this one’s for the end of a memory of light, when rand decides to leave and live the rest of his life on his terms. he wants to explore the world, without the pressure of his past and who he was weighing on him. he has a chance to slow down and appreciate this “beautiful life,” instead of rushing through it towards tarmon gai’don. and that’s what this song is about, i think. it’s not super peppy, and neither is rand at this point. it’s more of a quiet and peaceful acceptance.

. ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE — the killers

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go

you know, you know, no, you don’t, you don’t

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

over and in, last call for sin

while everyone’s lost, the battle is won

with all these things that I’ve done

first of all, the wheel of time series takes place over the span of two years, and rand does so much within that time. within this playlist, I don’t think of this song as an ending, rather a summary of rand’s life through the books. I specifically want to talk about the iconic refrain of “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.” it serves as a bookend to rand’s arc as a character— initially he refuses his role as the dragon reborn (even though he’s suited for it, due to his heritage and upbringing) because he doesn’t want to fight in that way. during the bulk of the series, he embraces a role as a fighter, even though he doesn’t have the soul for it. and finally, he realizes that he isn’t a weapon, and that he never was. on another note, the line “these changes ain’t changing me/that cold-hearted boy I used to be” hits a bit too close to his character.

[meepmorpperaltiago]

The Machine

Aka Jake and Amy travel through all my aus! This is a totally cracky idea I had to celebrate reaching 80 fics - I hope you enjoy this 2k crackfest of insanity!  

Neither of them notice at first when the machine shows up in the precinct. No one knows what it is or what it does anyway -  a group of officers stand around, trying not to press any of the buttons, not knowing whether or not it’s something dangerous.

It catches Jake’s gaze as he walks past on his way to see Amy, with its round shape, big buttons and silver shine and he asks the officers what it is.

“We don’t know”, his wife responds with a shrug, getting up and going over to the place where half of her beat cops are currently gathered. “Some crazy drunk guy who kept trying to tell us he was from a parallel world had it with him. It has all these buttons but we can’t figure out what any of them do.”

“Well you know what the best way is to find out what something is?”, Jake asks, taking Amy’s hand as he goes to push the biggest button, right in the centre.

“Jake no!”, Amy exclaims before a clap of lightning strikes and they’re thrown to the ground.

 “Jake what the hell!”, Amy yells. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know what to tell you Ames, I see a button and I have to push it”, Jake responds with a shrug, hoping to win over Amy with a smile.

“Even Mac would know not to push that button and he’s 6 months old!”, she sighs, before getting up and looking around.

They appear to be in a large mall and other than it being unfamiliar, nothing about their location seems to be particularly amiss. Until, after deciding to explore a little to try and figure out where on earth they are, they walk into a record store with a name they don’t recognise and see Amy’s face plastered all over a prominently placed CD stand. Clear as day, it reads at the bottom “Amy Santiago: Sugar – 05/18/20”

Jake’s face lights up at the sight. “You know what this means?” he says to Amy with excitement, grabbing her arms.

“That one of us hit our head real hard and is hallucinating?”, Amy says.

“No – this is a parallel universe! Excuse me maa’m, could you tell me a little more about this album?”, Jake says, stopping one of the people working in the store as they go past.

She gives him a strange look before speaking slowly. “You mean the new Amy Santiago album? Her 11th and first in like 2 years? Well, it’s been pretty hyped up, we’re thinking it’s gonna sell a lot.”

“Why has she not done an album in two years?” Amy then asks, growing curious whether this is some kind of crazy fever dream or not and slightly concerned for this parallel version of herself that she’s just heard of.

“Well, she was kind of busy planning and then doing her year-long residency at Madison Square Garden…” the woman says, as if that’s something everyone knows.

Both of their eyes grow wide at that – the woman decides that the two of them are both just crazy and leaves them be with a quick excuse.

“Wait, if I’m some kind of big celebrity here, how come I’m not like, being mobbed or something?”, Amy asks.

“Uh, I think I know why”, Jake says, staring into his reflection on the front of the CD. Amy looks too and that’s when she realises: they look completely different.

“The machine must create some kind of filter”, Jake says whilst reading the track list.

“Come on, let’s try and find that machine and figure out how to get home,” Amy says, walking out of the store.

“Come on Ames, aren’t you at least a little bit curious about how all this happened? Don’t you wanna explore a little?”, he says, gesturing to her glammed-up image on the cardboard.

“Yeah, I guess I am a little curious…”, Amy says as Jake drags her away.

-           

Hours later, they’re sat by the machine, having played the entire Amy Santiago Essentials Playlist on Apple Music whilst looking for it and googling both of them (Jake was slightly disappointed to find out that he’s still just an ordinary guy in this universe).

“Wow Ames, other you made some bops, even though it does seem like she had a nervous breakdown doing it.”

“Yeah, it seems like she didn’t have a fun time for a while…”, Amy says distractedly, whilst eyeing up the big button that brought them here in the first place. “Lets hope this can bring us home”, she then says, before pressing the button in the centre and triggering another zap.

-

This time, they land on a beach – they both share a disappointed look, realising that they’re still not home.

“I wonder what’s different about this universe? Am I in a rock band?”, Jake says, only half joking.

Then they see a tail coming out of the water and realise they’re in a world even stranger than the last one.

When mermaid Amy sees them, she quickly dives under the water with a scared look on her face.

Stopped in their confusion, then they see a very relaxed Jake coming out of a nearby house and realise they can’t escape meeting themselves. Even if the other versions of them won’t know who they’re talking to.

Without even realising who they are, other Jake still looks at them with surprise “Sorry, it’s just we don’t get a lot of people on this beach”, he explains.

“We?”, Amy questions.

“Oh my wife and I. It’s kind of nice that it’s so quiet – then again that’s not always worked out great for me…”

Neither of them inquire into this rather strange comment which clearly has a story behind it, as a now two legged Amy comes out from a nearby cliff.

“Did they see me?”, she asks her Jake in a whisper that’s probably not as quiet as she’d like it to be.

Feeling awkward, original Jake and Amy make a move to leave, but Amy slips and accidently presses a button further down. Given the looks that their alternative selves give them, something must have messed with the perception filter. Then other Jake says it, in a slightly surprised voice.

“You’re… us”

“Yep”, Jake says, feeling very awkward. “That machine has kind of been taking us through all these different wild scenarios…”

“Wait, why aren’t you more shocked?”, Amy asks.

He responds with a shrug, saying: “Well, I married a mermaid, my life is already wild enough”

“Jake!”, mermaid Amy says, elbowing him with a whisper. Clearly this is some kind of secret that he was supposed to keep.

“Come on babe, it’s us”, he points out to his Amy.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right”, she admits.

Jake finally asks the question he’s been itching to ask ever since he realised him and Amy are still together in this world. “How did you two meet anyway?”

That’s how they end up sat chatting to their alternate selves, exchanging stories and comparing their wildly different life experiences. They both love each other’s stories, although the mermaid one is of course slightly more strange. 

“Do you still miss being a cop?”, Jake asks the other version of him as he draws patterns in the sand.

“Y’know, I did for a really long time… but now I’m ok”. He smiles softly at his Amy when he says that, bumping her shoulder slightly and it warms Jake’s heart a more than a little bit.

-

“Ames, you’re basically Ariel here!”, Jake says excitedly whilst the other versions of them head back their beach house.

“I know!”, Amy says as she once again pushes that darn button.

-

They still don’t end up back at the precinct. This time, they end up in a place that seems distinctly… historical.

This time, they figure out their story with a simple look at a newspaper. The headline reads “SANTIAGO SCANDAL AS LADY AMEILA ELOPES WITH SERVANT”

“Amy… you gave up everything for me…”, Jake says, moved by the sacrifice that the other version of his wife made as he looks at the front page article in more detail. Amy simply reads along with him, resting her head on his shoulder unsurprised – she’d definitely have done the same thing.

-

They’re in a cheering crowd and they see themselves high up on a balcony. The other versions of them wave elegantly, with a boy in tow that looks distinctly like an older version of the baby who waits for them at home. It makes their hearts ache a little and increases their determination to get home. But first, they look at their phones to figure out how the heck they became royalty in this world.

Jake smiles as he imagines Amy going through the awkward process of becoming a princess: but then again, he can imagine she would make a great ruler. And she definitely has the beauty part down.

“Do you think we could just break that filter thingy again and chuck these guys down some stairs?”, Jake says in a joking tone.

“Jake we can’t murder ourselves, let alone assassinate royalty”, Amy says in a hushed tone and with a giggle.

-

As they keep pushing the button, they go through more and more scenarios.

“You had kids with Teddy?”

“I had a kid with Sophia?”

“Are we British here? What the heck are prefects?”

“Oh my god, we have such cool powers here!”

“Our kid has such cool powers here!”

“Gina and I are openly friends here? Rosa willingly sings on stage? And we’re in a girl band? This is weirder than our kid going to Hogwarts honestly” 

“What the hell? We’re nowhere near cool enough to be Youtubers”

“How come I was the one who got Thanos snapped?”

“We all go to jail here? That’s a bummer”

“Fuck is this the Handmaid’s Tale? Oh man, this is even more of a bummer than the we all go to jail universe”

“Ooooh we’re both suffragettes?” “But you being in World War One is sucky”

“Oh god I love Chidi and Eleanor, I’m so glad we got to be them”

“Teddy proposing to you again, what a surprise”

“Oh my god, Jake this is like that one tv show we watched, the one with all the fairy-tales”

“Even more fairy tales! I hope this Amy wakes up that Jake soon”

-

In a second, they zap onto a darkened Brooklyn street and Jake looks up to see all of his dreams come true. There he is, up on a building in a white shirt, grappling rope in hand, filling the role of his hero, John Mclane. But in his excitement, he steps back, pushes the button and they zap away before he can see himself saving the day.

“Ugh, why can’t I ever do anything badass?”, he complains with a stomp of his foot as they seem to land back in the precinct. After checking that everything is definitely still the same, they realise they’ve spent an entire day hopping from world to world and they finally head home. Then Amy makes a curious observation.

“It’s so weird how some of those stories just never finished huh? Like someone was too lazy to finish them off or lost interest?”

-

“You know what I really loved about seeing all those different worlds?”, Jake asks as they snuggle together on the couch later that night, having put Mac down to sleep in the nursery.

“What?”, Amy asks, looking up at her husband with a curious gaze.

“In every universe, we always managed to come together. Even in worlds where you were a superstar, or we were in different classes, different ages and nationalities or you were another freakin’ species. We’re soulmates in literally every scenario.”

Amy smiles at that and simply kisses him in response.

“I guess we really were just meant to be”, she says as she falls asleep on his shoulder.

“I think so too,” he says in response before following suit.