#struggled to like anything i've done recently so i'll take this as a win

[bearsandbeansart]

behold, a sketch that I don't hate

[dzpenumbra]

12/2/22

Still writing this at the earlier time, that new habit I got into because of early appointments. Weird having such a flexible structure at night, my night rituals are usually very rigid.

I got really good sleep, and vivid dreams, so win-win. I didn't get a good dream journal done though, I have to seriously very meticulously plan where my journals and pens are or else that shit is not getting written down. Writing dream journals was seriously one of the most difficult creative endeavors I've undertaken. See, you're on a damn clock the second you reach conscious awareness. That dream memory starts fading quick, at least mine does. So it has to occur to me to write the journal down, which I used to do a mantra before sleep "write down your dreams" over and over and over, grinding it into my subconscious every single night. Now it's pretty well programmed, but that's just step one.

Step two is actually recalling the dreams. This is where I came up with my own system. So I need to catch it as early as possible, so my journals need to be visible and within arms reach. Then, at the top of the page, I write down... milestones? highlights? I don't know the right term. Vivid moments, as many as I can remember, in reverse chronological order, starting with when I woke up and going back as far as I can. These serve as like... waystations, kinda. Then I head to step three - actually writing the dream.

The highlights, I guess I'll call them that, I go through reverse chronologically, too. I found it much easier to retain the most total memories by starting at the end and working my way backwards. If I went to the most distant memory first, I might struggle to remember and really dig for it, and when I do that I lose the more recent memories entirely. It's like it's all crammed into short-term memory, so you have to be fast and use as little present conscious thought as possible. Even cutting out editing helped retain more detail. So I go backwards from highlight to highlight, each one sorta allows me to expand detail in between and I just have to connect the dots and add in more detail. It has worked really well for me in the past, and if you're interested in dream work, I highly recommend it, just be prepared to fail a lot, be patient and forgiving towards yourself and keep at it. If you're a weirdo who's into this stuff like me. XD

But this morning... I couldn't find my journals. They were buried under clothes. And I tried typing, but it... just didn't work. So I didn't get anything usable. Oh well, points for trying!

I decided to go to the grocery store today. It's very weird for me to walk to a grocery store. But it was a nice 2 block stroll and it was a nice health food store with all local stuff, so I got a lot of healthy food and supported local businesses which is great. I had the manager's assistant give me the run-down of how the laundry stuff works at my building, it seems... not too overly complicated. I'll figure it out tomorrow. I made some buffalo chicken in the slow cooker, it's still cooking, and talked to my mom. Tried to figure out a plan with the car, still no dice. No clue what to do there. I'm most likely going back down on... Monday, I think? To sort through the last of my stuff and grab the remaining furniture I want, then some dudes are coming to take the rest to the dump, which is really helpful.

Had my first therapy appointment since the move, it was a bit intense but good. It's hard to... remember things about unhealthy relationships, and like... remember that I have a lot of work to do. I'm being vague intentionally, not really as much to preserve privacy as to... keep myself from getting back into it. I need to pace myself and I don't have an emotional support system other than one social worker dude I can text with on Betterhelp. He's great, but he can only do so much, so I'm really pacing myself. And today I had to kinda... unearth some therapy relics from the past and inform him of them, so... those ghosts are still kinda floating around. Trying to not give them more brainpower than they need right now, it's not healthy or productive.

After that, I sorta just chilled, played games and ate chinese leftovers. I want to work on my hoodie a bit though, I've been putting that off, so I'm gonna go do that now before it gets too late. Maybe I'll see if I can get some stuff for the apartment tomorrow, I've got quite a list going!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

The Thief and the Tinker, Part 4: Circles and Cycles

part 3

Part 4

Viren: *smirks and plinks Runaan's coin to Ethari*

Ethari, furious: You throw another Moonshadow at me and I'm gonna lose it.

Circles and Cycles

Angst rating: 8/10

Back to Ethari, because we're not done with him yet. Ethari is soft, but he isn't weak. He won't be a willing pawn for Viren. He loves Runaan to the point of invention, and his devotion is more constant than the moon itself. He'll agree to do what Viren says, and he'll be Very Sad. But his spirit is in no way broken. Viren bribing him with the coins containing his family will only have the opposite effect. It'll give Ethari something to fight for.

We could get Focused Chaos Ethari. We could get Angery Trickster Ethari. We could get Rules, What Rules? Ethari. Let him try to steal the coins, try to break them, try to kill Viren, and be stymied at every turn, until he settles and seems cowed. And then all he does is craft his way out of the problem.

What if we are gifted with Iron Man Elf Ethari, who pretends to build a fake Key for Viren, but meanwhile he's really building a coinbuster with whatever he can get his hands on - primal stones, magically imbued gemstones, stolen artifacts, his own arcanum, his own reputation as the Master Craftsman of the Silvergrove. He'll use almost - almost - anything, to stop Viren and free his family.

Ethari may have to choose between those two things, though. And he's a hero, deep down, just like his family, just like his daughter. If he has to choose, he'll choose to stop Viren and save Xadia. He'll pay the same price as his family has if he must.

He'd let Viren think he was motivated purely by wanting his family back, but Ethari is far too steeped in the illusion and sacrifice for that to be all there is to his motives. It's a so-close-and-yet-so-far thing, how he and Viren almost embody the same ideals. Almost. Ethari would take one look at Viren, who just burnt down his whole Forest, he'd see the biggest threat in Xadia, and he'd say anything to get a chance to stop this juggernaut of destruction from getting his hands on whatever that ultimate power really is, locked behind that missing key. If he has to abandon his people and bawl his eyes out to convince Viren he's in, then he will.

And Viren wouldn't make it easy for him. He knows clever when he sees it. He went through all this trouble to persuade Ethari to work with him. He would need to keep Ethari as off-balance as possible to ensure that he keeps working as he should.

Angsty jewelry, anyone?

Viren giving Ethari his husband in pendant form to remind him what he's working for, when Viren and Ethari both know full well that only dark magic can open the hellcoins. Ethari wearing another pendant of his love, except it's not a metaphor this time. It's literally his love, in a coin around his neck.

Viren would love making Ethari stay close to him of his own free will if he ever hoped to free Runaan. Making people bind themselves to you is a big power flex. Remember that TDP stream future-season teaser note about Bait being in a creepy restraint in a future season?

This card is written on in all-caps, so that really could be "Bait" or "bait," or--knowing this show--both. Viren's been using Runaan as bait for Ethari all along. Putting his coin in a dark magic pendant casing for Ethari to wear would be a great parallel for that. Oh god. Oh man.

Maybe he'll stab the coin's scary casing right through that circle on Ethari's chest, right over his heart, make that Iron Man reference really obvious. Ethari also losing his shirt at some point, for angsty Viren-related reasons? It's more likely than you think. I mean... Ethari is literally involved in both forms of forging at this point. Shirt's gotta come off for uhhhh work reasons. And because he's hot. Because of all the forging. Mmhmm. I mean how else are we finally going to discover what his markings look like this is research I swear

I mentioned that I liked god-tier villains, right? Yeah, this is amazing. I haven't wanted to die and ascend over an idea for quite a while, but Ethari vs Viren in a drawn-out battle of wills would kill me in the best way. Especially since, while it looks like they're essentially fighting for who gets Runaan, they're truly fighting a much larger battle with much higher stakes. They're fighting for the future itself. It's an epic struggle between the Narrative of Strength and the Narrative of Love. And we've seen what happens, over and over, when the Narrative of Strength gets to call the shots.

On a meta note: If Ruthari's story arc isn't a love letter from one trauma survivor to another, and on a broader scope to all survivors who see it, I don't know what is. Sometimes life just chews us up and spits us out and we can't stop it and it breaks us. But sometimes we can reach out and grasp the chance to help each other, even after that, even when it hurts a lot, because we know what it means to be loved, and to love, and to want a safer future for each other and for people we'll never meet. The future is worth standing together for, helping each other back up for, fighting side by side for, even if you can't see how it'll end, or even how to begin. We are stronger together, and sometimes we need to fight for our "together" before we can fight for anything else. And that's worth it, every time.

This is glorious, it's beautiful, it's tragic, it's amazing, it makes me want to dance, it makes me want to scream into the void, it makes me want to slap someone with a semi truck. No, someone specific, don't worry, and he super deserves it.

Because Ethari is going to win. He was always going to win. He's soft, and he's clever, and he hasn't forgotten what love means. It's what he's fighting for. Not power, not control. Love. He doesn't want to dictate Runaan's future or anyone else's. He just wants his husband--and everyone else--to have one at all.

So he's going to win.

What thwarting Viren looks like, I couldn't possibly guess. TDP is no stranger to angst, so there will probably be a high cost involved in outwitting the dark mage. Maybe not everyone can be rescued from the coins. Maybe Ethari will lose his life, or his soul, or his vision, or something else really angsty. Viren could even kill him and resurrect him as a smoky craftsman, or a zombie craftsman, or something equally biddable but horrible. The only thing I'm sure of is that Ethari would never willingly make a working Key of Aaravos Ethari as long as there's a chance Viren could possess it. But I do believe that if he gets the right opportunity while he's busy saving the world from Viren's dark intentions, he'll break his husband's hellcoin open somehow and set him free, even if he has to smile at the devil to do it.

Ethari understands the difference between "you can" and "therefore you should." He might sacrifice his own world to save his husband, but he'd never sacrifice someone else's world. That's one of the Moonshadow cultural limits I've noticed: they accept boundaries when it comes to other people's autonomous rights, especially regarding life and death.

These limits could get pushed. Ethari will be under great duress and emotional strain if he goes through this kind of interaction with Viren. And maybe he will choose some dark things. Everyone else has. But I'm placing all my eggs in the basket labeled "Saved By Love." Either I'm right, or I'll get the best angst omelets in the universe. And I do love omelets. A villain invented them, you know. ;)

Another support for Ethari not making the key for Viren: the real Key exists!

Callum has it right now. The plot doesn't need Ethari's key (yet? ever?), but it does need Ethari to learn what he's made of, to stand up for something, or against something, or both at once. And once he learns what he will and won't do and the universe has rewarded his discovery with the return of his beloved husband then Ethari will be ready to take on whatever else the plot has in mind for him.

Depending on the plan, all of these events could happen in S4, as a setup for even bigger things to follow. Viren's wishes can be thwarted here and the show's overall tension will only continue to rise. It would let Ethari flex yes pls his skills so we know who he is, it would show how driven Viren can be for a long-term goal, it would let Claudia saunter further downwards, it would reveal some human/Moonshadow history, and it would resolve the seasons-long tension regarding Runaan's fate, allowing for the cycle of speculation, feels, angst, and Ruthari fanart to begin again. ;) Viren would need to find another way to pursue his long-term goal. And Callum's Key will get a little more clarity on just how important it is to the fate of the world - which will make everything he does, and everyone he talks to, and anyone who knows what he's carrying, intensely important.

Nyx is gonna steal it isn't she, omg chaos birb

To Viren, Ethari was a main course, meant to be devoured and consumed in his lifelong quest for something that will finally satisfy. But to Ethari, Viren was just empty calories to be passed over in favor of ordering his perennial favorite dish, one more time.

Once Ethari escapes Viren's clutches with as much of his family as he can rescue, Viren may turn back to looking for the real Key, especially if someone's seen it recently. Hunting a kid probably seems easier than hunting a full-grown Moonshadow craftsman who just outsmarted him. okay so maybe Nyx stealing it would be a good thing and save Callum's life

Ethari could go on to help repair the Sunforge, or rebuild the Moonhenge, or work on constructing Moonshadow villages in Katolis if he hasn't been ghosted for abandoning everyone after the forest fire. He might build magical devices for any number of reasons, to help all kinds of characters. Hopefully, wherever he goes, he'll have Runaan with him, in some way, for at least a little while. Cycles be like, and I feel like Runaan will not want to remain still for long, for whatever reason. Does he need revenge, atonement, justice, a new body, to find Rayla, to find Ezran? He'll be back in action as soon as he can, I think.

Okay, but, I'm so soft at the thought of a scene where Runaan and Ethari come before King Ezran. The husbands tried to save their people Runaan's way, the old way, and it only continued to endanger them. Following the cycle, as Moonshadows do, was the wrong move. But the son of the last human Runaan killed reached out with mercy and broke a thousand years of suffering and sorrow and hatred. Ezran did what Runaan couldn't: he saved the Moonshadow elves from total destruction. And that, more than anything else in the world, could soften one very broody assassin's heart toward humans again.

What would Runaan do, if his heart truly changed toward humans? What would he say to Ezran? I could see him struggling for a long moment before dropping to one knee to pledge his heart as he once had to do before the Dragon Throne. He doesn't know any other way but to serve. Ezran, reading the whole room and everyone's feelings before he tells Runaan that No, we don't do that here. That he's free, and free means free. No chains, no oaths. Just trust and friendship. He should get to make his own decisions for a change, even though that can be hard and scary sometimes. Runaan being genuinely scared, because that's too much freedom. But he's not alone. He has Ethari, and Ezran, and Rayla, and Callum, and their people, and their allies. And no matter what else happens, the people of Katolis - elven and human - will find a way forward. Together.

part 5

[mellometal]

WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS IS PART TWO OF ME RIPPING APART DHAR MANN'S VIDEOS ABOUT FATPHOBIA! Whoo-hoo!

Before I get started, here's an obligatory trigger warning: This post will be talking about fatphobia, bullying, homelessness, mentioned ED, fat shaming, shaming a person FOR EATING, and the abused thanking his abuser AS AN ADULT for tormenting him as a young, impressionable teenage boy.

If any of that is triggering, upsetting, or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. Please consume media that sparks joy for you.

This time, there won't be a response from me about this video, like I usually do with all my Dhar Mann posts. If you want to see my response, refer to my first post about fatphobia (the one about the plus-size woman being fat shamed). It does tie in with this post, as my thoughts on this video are the exact same here. Yes, even though this is about a (at the time) plus-size black teenage boy being targeted. Search for the "dhar mann talk" tag and it's one of the most recent posts. I don't believe anyone should be shamed for their weight. Your weight doesn't hold any significance to your worth as a person. Don't let anything or anyone tell you otherwise.

With all of that out of the way, let's get to the video!

To sum up the video, it starts out with a plus-size black teenage boy (Kurt or "Big Boy", as he's called almost throughout the entire video) who's on a basketball court at school with his friend (Mike), a few other teenage boys, and Mike's uncle (Frank) is their coach. Mike is the captain on one team, Frank is the captain on the other team. They're picking teammates, and everyone is on a team except for Kurt and another boy. Frank says to his nephew to not pick Kurt (he called him "Big Boy" instead) because "he'd never win with him". LIKE THEY WERE PLAYING FOR THE NBA. CALM YOUR DICK. HOLY FUCKING HELL. THEY'RE KIDS.

Mike, not listening to his uncle (good for him), picks Kurt anyway. Kurt is happy and thanks his friend for picking him. Mike gives Kurt a shirt that looks at least a couple sizes too small for him and would be pretty uncomfortable to wear. This isn't Mike's fault, obviously. Kurt politely asks if they had a bigger shirt. Obviously not an unreasonable request. They're playing a sport that requires lots of movement (honestly, pretty much any sport would apply here, except for maybe golf or cricket) so it's understandable to want to at least be comfortable and have room to move around. Frank mocks A LITERAL TEENAGER with the whole "You think you're shopping at Big&Tall?" line and then says that's the only size they had (why couldn't they supply inclusive sizes in the first place, or at least ASK Kurt what his size was IN ADVANCE?), which....umm, I'm actually GLAD plus-size clothing for men (Big&Tall, in this case) is more readily available and accessible now. I'm happy plus-size clothing in GENERAL is like that now.

Mike comforts Kurt and says the shirt might fit. The shirt does KIND OF fit Kurt, but it's obvious he's uncomfortable. Look at this screenshot here:

Frank laughs at Kurt, says he looks like Barney The Dinosaur, and the other kids laugh along with their coach. This is NOT setting a good example for children, Frank. You're a fucking teacher. You're a COACH. You're supposed to be teaching these kids about sports and shit. You're supposed to be setting a good example for these kids about teamwork and sportsmanship. WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO A TEENAGE BOY, WHO IS MOST LIKELY ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS, IS TEACHING NONE OF THOSE THINGS. You're teaching these kids that bullying their peers for things they can't help having is okay. Do better. (I'd say that he's an adult and should act like one, but I'm an adult and I barely act like one a lot of the time, so that'd make me a hypocrite.)

While I may be fortunate to have had a physical education teacher who never bashed on me or shamed me for my weight and she would cheer me on for whatever amount of effort I made the first and only year I had actual P.E., I know that many other kids who are plus-size most likely has/had horrible P.E. teachers or coaches like Frank.

To anyone who has/had a teacher or coach like Frank, I'm so sorry, kiddos. You don't deserve to be bullied by your own teachers. I wish I could give all of you a hug, but I can give y'all virtual hugs instead! *virtual hugs* /p

So they play a game of basketball, and Kurt is struggling to fully play because the shirt he was given was probably cutting off some circulation, especially in his arms (again, do I need to reiterate that this was NOT Mike's fault and is FRANK'S fault for his ignorance and negligence). Frank mocks his nephew Mike by saying that he told him not to pick Kurt. Why? Because according to him, Kurt will never make anything of himself in life due to him being fat. (AGAIN, THIS IS NOT TRUE.)

Then it cuts to Kurt sitting with Mike, who's working on his car and Kurt's working on his own thing. Mike says he believes one day he'll own a nice, brand new Cadillac. Kurt is very supportive and cheers his friend on. He says that he believes he'll be one of the biggest radio show hosts and has a title for it called "Big Boy's Neighborhood". Both of them are hyping each other up. Love to see men supporting men. Mike pulls out his Walkman (they were HUGE back in the 80s and 90s because you could listen to the radio from anywhere, I have a Sony Walkman mp3 player, but it's a newer model), and Kurt says that he's always wanted one but couldn't afford it. (I'll go into why in a second.)

Frank comes over to reprimand Mike, who has done NOTHING WRONG, for talking to Kurt. Instead of working, which Mike WAS actually doing. He tries to tell his uncle this, but he wasn't having it. Frank then reprimands Kurt, who also has done NOTHING WRONG, for just sitting and apparently "distracting Mike" (he wasn't). He asks if there's any work he was supposed to do. Kurt FINALLY stands up to Frank in a polite, mature manner. He says that just because he wasn't working with his hands, it didn't mean he wasn't working. Frank ridicules Kurt some more, Mike tells his uncle to leave his friend alone, and Kurt stands up to Frank AGAIN, still being polite and mature. UNLIKE THE ACTUAL ADULT ACTING LIKE A CLICHÉ MIDDLE SCHOOL BULLY WHO PROBABLY PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL. How fucking ironic.

What does Frank do in response to Kurt standing up to him? INSULTS THE KID SOME MORE. He tells Kurt that he must have "pig fat for brains" (which is not only insulting to Kurt, but also insulting to pigs, because pigs are intelligent animals), takes his small bag of Doritos, and says that he "doesn't need to be eating anything." He eats Kurt's Doritos IN FRONT OF HIM, tells Mike to quit letting his friend make him lazy (he wasn't doing that at all), and to get back to work.

THAT line made me livid. I've actually thought that I didn't deserve to eat anything because I'm plus-size as a teenager, and into my adulthood at a few points in my life. NEVER say that someone doesn't need to be eating anything. (Obviously except for poisonous things, inedible objects, and things that could and will kill them.) You could cause them to develop an ED, or trigger an ED if they already have one. THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. EDs are no joke. Whether it be starving, purging, or binge eating, none of them are fun to have and/or to deal with. Even if they DON'T develop an ED, their relationship with food will be all sorts of fucky-wucky. Some even for the rest of their lives. Unless you get proper treatment, of course.

When Frank leaves, Kurt is obviously upset. Rightfully so. How he's feeling is justified. Mike comforts him and says to not let Frank get to him. Mike offers to take Kurt home, but then realizes that his friend and his mom got evicted and are homeless. (This is why Kurt couldn't afford to buy a Walkman.) Kurt, still distraught, says that he'll just walk. Mike invites him over for dinner and that he'd drop him off after, which Kurt agrees to.

They're at Mike's house, having dinner, and Mike's parents are talking to Kurt. They're being supportive. Frank walks in to have his sister's cooking. He sees that Kurt's there. Mike's parents introduce Frank to Kurt, tells him Kurt's gonna be on the radio one day, Frank laughs and says Kurt's not gonna be anything. Kurt brushes it off. He says that his mom says that he can achieve whatever he wants (which is true, to a reasonable extent), Frank cuts him off and says his mom was lying to him, and that his mom knows he's gonna be a big loser.

Mike's dad tells Frank to leave Kurt alone. Mike's mom also says the same thing. Frank asks Kurt if his mom doesn't feed him at home, and what he was doing "eating up all their food" (he wasn't; he just had a singular plate). Mike and his mom tell Frank to stop. His mom explains that they invited Kurt over for dinner, and she tells her brother to sit down and eat. Frank then asks Kurt again if his mom doesn't feed him at home. Mike tells Frank that Kurt and his mom don't have a home because they just got evicted, which is a shock to the parents. Instead of having sympathy for a teenage boy who was on the streets with his mom, HE MOCKS HIM. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? Especially to a teenage boy who didn't do anything whatsoever to deserve being evicted from his home and be out on the streets with his mom. I've dealt with being evicted. I've dealt with homelessness. Out of no fault of my own. It's not funny, cool, glamorous, or anything like that. It's terrifying. I'm still traumatized by that experience and it happened four years ago. Sometimes I have nightmares about that kind of thing. The very possibility of becoming homeless and going through that again scares the shit out of me. The thought of it is so triggering for me that I will resort to reverting back to things I used to do when I was a kid. It also doesn't help that I will NEVER be able to afford an apartment on my own where I live now and will probably have to rely on at least two or three roommates and/or family to get by. Thanks a lot, Boomers.

I would never wish what I went through on anyone. Anyways, back to the whole summary of the video.

Kurt gets up and leaves the table. Mike tries to go after his friend to make sure he was okay, but Frank stops his nephew. ONLY WHEN KURT LEAVES DOES FRANK ALL NONCHALANTLY SAY THAT HE'S STARVING AND THAT THEY SHOULD ALL EAT. Despite Frank making Kurt as well as his (Frank's) own family upset.

Kurt walks to where his mom is. His mom notices that he's upset. Kurt tells his mom that it's because of Frank. His mom comforts him and gives him the advice that she gave him before. Kurt is still obviously too upset to take anything she's telling him, bringing up that they're homeless and broke, and his mom is desperate to help comfort her son. She gives him his birthday present early, which happens to be a Walkman. Kurt is shocked. He thought they didn't have that kind of money. His mom says not to worry about that. She pokes some lighthearted fun at her son, he thanks her, and he asks her a question. He asks if she believes he'll be successful or if she's saying that to make him feel better. She asks if he believes he'll be successful (yep), and he tells her that when he succeeds, he'll buy them a house so they don't have to be homeless anymore or worry about getting evicted.

Fast forward to adulthood, Kurt becomes a bouncer, meets someone who works at a radio station, and he goes there. Just to have people laughing at him. He's distraught again and leaves the station, thinking that he made a bad decision. Frank happens to come by, see that Kurt was upset, and asks what's wrong. Kurt tells him what happened, and Frank mocks him AGAIN with the same shit he told him when he was a TEENAGE BOY, now as a YOUNG ADULT. He walks off, laughing.

Nice going! /s Kicking Kurt while he's down JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, RIGHT? FUCK YOU.

Kurt then decides that he's gonna lose weight and be the best radio show host. (Toxic much? Why would you try to preach that your weight = your worth as a person? If you're losing weight for yourself, great! I'm happy for you! If you don't want to lose weight, you don't give a fuck about what people say, and you're happy in your own skin, that's awesome too! Do it for yourself, not for anyone's approval. Try to love yourself and accept yourself in any form you're in. Don't fall for the bullshit that you have to be a certain size or look a certain way for you to love and accept yourself. The weight may be gone, but the rest of your issues will still be there. I have to clarify that I meant this in GENERAL, not necessarily for extremities on either side of the spectrum of weight...because there are things you MUST follow.)

Kurt gets back to the station, ignores all the people being assholes, he's doing his thing, and he's climbing up.

Fast forward to when Kurt is middle-aged. He has his own radio show, and he's one of the biggest names in the radio industry. After he finishes up his show, he goes outside to see a couple of young fans. A young black girl with her brother, a plus-size boy. They say how much they love his show, they got his merch, and the boy tells Kurt that he wants to be just like him. The boy doubts himself though because of people abusing him JUST LIKE what Kurt went through. Kurt empathizes with the boy and tells him a little bit about his own experience. Following them is Frank as an old man. They're his grandkids.

Frank recognizes Kurt, and actually apologizes to him for the torment he put him through as a teenager. WHAT A SHOCK. /srs

Kurt takes it with grace, but says that he should be thanking Frank for all the torment. Why? Because it "motivated him". The girl says that she loves that. (Okay, since she's a kid and there's still time for her to change her mind about certain things, I'm not going to be as harsh here. I don't bash on the kids unless they're doing or saying extremely fucked up things willingly. She didn't say this with bad intentions. I understand you're coming from a good place, and I appreciate that, but please hear me out. This wasn't at all like dealing with edgy thirteen year olds on the internet. This man you look up to was abused by your grandfather in his youth. Your brother is experiencing that same torment your idol went through...at a younger age too, it seems like. The kid looks no older than middle school age [ten or eleven at the YOUNGEST to maybe thirteen or fourteen at the OLDEST]. That's a huge problem. Kurt may have "toughed it out", but that might not be the case for your brother. Please don't excuse that kind of behavior.)

Dude...what the actual fuck? I can understand not being bothered by the hate, but this grown ass man literally VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU AS A YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE BOY, CONTINUING INTO ADULTHOOD, and you're THANKING Frank for all of that? Why should you thank your abuser for what he put you through? He didn't contribute ANYTHING to your success. So I guess abuse is a GREAT contribution to people's success now, right? /s It doesn't contribute to anything, in my opinion. Yes, what doesn't kill you can make you stronger, but can we normalize people becoming weaker to a point due to traumatic events? Because they exist. Demonizing survivors who have become weaker to some degree or just flat-out ignoring them isn't helping. You did the thing you wanted to do, Kurt. Frank didn't help you. The person who really helped you was YOU and your mom.

MOVING ON.

The boy asks Kurt if he thinks he'll ever be able to make it as a radio show host. Kurt asks if HE believes that. The boy says he does. Kurt gives him some advice and gives the boy his Walkman. The boy's ecstatic, they leave, and Kurt goes to meet up with his mom.

Keeping to his promise, Kurt bought his mom a house so she'd never be homeless again and never have to worry about being evicted. (HOW LONG WAS SHE HOMELESS FOR? OH MY GOD. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. I hope you at least let her stay with you or something. They never went into that, unfortunately.) She's very grateful. The video ends there.

My personal thoughts on the video: Another piss poor video....but worse! Because it was a COLLAB. And based on a true story. Good going with taking this man's story of being abused by a grown adult to exploit for your personal gain, Dhar Mann! WOW. LOVE THAT! Totally a good look. /s

What I took from this video is that if you're plus-size, according to Dhar Mann, you'll apparently NEVER be successful, let alone be taken seriously...which is an absolute lie. There are many plus-size people who are very successful. Another thing I took from the video is that apparently according to Dhar Mann, being verbally and emotionally abused as a teenager by a grown adult all the way into adulthood is "motivation" for you to work harder to reach your goals. (Nice going, Dhar Mann. Justifying grown adults abusing children. Who would've thought? /s)

Oh, and it's like MANDATORY to thank your abusers for tormenting you when you become successful! (Obviously this is an exaggeration. This is me using Dhar Mann's logic against him.) You want to thank them for making you stronger? Fine. You want to spit in their face and say, "Fuck you." to them? Also fine. You want to just never acknowledge them ever again? Totally fine. Whatever you want to do, that's fine by me, but can you not imply that "thanking" your abusers is mandatory in some way?

If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you're having a good morning/day/afternoon/evening/night. Stay safe, y'all. Love you. /p

[one-spidey-boii]

BUMMER SUMMER || peter parker; ch five

read ch four here

masterlist

an; sorry for posing so late in the day. i hope this chapter makes up for that. i love to hear your feedback!!

warnings; mentions of battle wounds (i.e. blood/scars/etc), future smut, mature language, fluff, angst, both peter and oc are 18+!!

word count; 2.8k+

edie's pov.

"this is pretty good." peter says with a little smirk on his face. his lips and nose are all i can see as he sits on the couch, still wearing his mask.

he takes another bite of mac and cheese before looking in my direction and shooting me a big cheesy smile.

once he came back i had to explain to him that i did indeed burn my hand on the hot pot of water, fully knowing he wouldn't let me live it down. luckily for me, i'm not the only one who had done something worth making fun of.

"at least i can let myself back into the compound without having to knock." i rebuttal and stick my tongue out at him, "and peter, take you mask off, it's weird watching you eat that way, just a nose and mouth and ew." i end my complaint with a fake shudder.

with an eye roll, peter pulls his mask off his head and takes a spiteful bite of his food. i chuckle at his behavior and excuse myself to the kitchen to clean up.

trying my best to keep my blistered thumb out of contact with anything, cleaning takes me a lot longer than i want it to. i'm about to start the dishwasher when i realize peter still has his bowl in the living room.

"you'd think mr. stark would have a robot to clean the dishes instead of-" i stop my sentence short when im confronted with an empty room, no peter. his finished bowl lay there on the coffee table, with the cheesy fork thrown messily next to it. with a grimace, i pick up after the boy and finally go to finish things up.

it's not like peter to be so...there one minute and gone the next. he's always the one to stick around after all the fun has been had and just, be there. but for the past day, he wasn't. and i know i shouldn't worry about it, being here specifically is stressful, but the more i repeat it over and over again in my head- the more it starts to sound like a really lame excuse.

i let my feet lead me back to my room, hesitating only slightly when i pass peters closed door. it's late, no use in trying to talk to him now. he just needs rest. we both do.

with that thought in mind, i make my way into my room, shutting the door behind me with a soft click. i'm already in pajamas, as i wasn't the one who went on patrol tonight.

my room is alarmingly blank. white walls, no pictures, no personality. at one point i plan to decorate it, and hopefully by then, peter will be comfortable enough to help me. a smile grazes my face when i finally sit down on the edge of my bed, it's comfortable, and i silently thank tony for providing the best for peter and i while we stay here.

i peer underneath the bed frame and pull out the black bag that holds my most valuable belongings. i unzip the top and pull out my utility belt, along with all my knives. i give an amused sigh as i think about people's reactions if they were to ever find these. i'll admit, i may have a few too many knives in my possession, but each one comes in handy every time i go out. and let's be real, you can't expect me to go around and pick up each knife i've thrown after every fight.

my ears perk up when a small creak comes from the other side of my bedroom door. the light in the hallway casts a shadow of two feet i can barely see through the crack along the floor. with my breath hitched in my throat, i slowly stand up to not make any noise.

i know the shadow behind the door is peter. and as i tiptoe my way over to the door, i keep a hold of the breath in my throat, so afraid to scare him away. he keeps moving his weight between his feet, causing the hardwood floors to creak with every adjustment. i move one hand to rest against the doorknob, the other barely skimming the white wood of the door. i let go of the air i’m holding and the movement on the other side halts.

i stop too, wanting him to knock or simply open the door. it has only been a day and the lack of interaction from peter is enough to pull on my heartstrings. much to my disappointment, his footsteps retreat back down the hallway and away from me for the umpteenth time today. leaving me to rest my forehead gently against the cold surface of the door.

peter's pov.

no part of me really wanted to leave edie after i finished my food. i wanted to stay and watch movies and tell her about my first night out. i wanted to see if her thumb really was okay. then the nagging part of my brain kicked in and suddenly i couldn't stand the idea of her walking back in the room, seeing me looking like the biggest idiot still in my goddamn suit.

it's small things like that that keep me from knocking on her door too.

i somehow find myself standing in front of her bedroom door. the time is almost past midnight and my hands are sweaty and oh my god there's a stain on my sweatpants and my hair probably looks a mess and i can't do this. i can't do this. what am i doing?

and then i know she's there. on the other side of the door, just waiting. waiting for me to do something, anything. i want to. i want to walk in and flop on her bed and just talk and smile and laugh at her bad jokes, but then she lets out a sigh. a sigh that tells me she's upset, or lonely. so i raise my hand to knock.

and i don't do it. i walk back to my room and close the door behind me.

-

a few awkward days into the future, i'm again- in my room. the past days rushed by as edie and i remained in our separate corners and patrolled when it was our turn, both afraid to make any sort of move, or at least, i was. small greetings in the hallway, eating dinner together in silence, and secret glances cast across the room were really all the contact we had recently. that was, until now.

she snuck up on me like a wild cat- stealth and agility giving her the upper hand as i made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the kitchen. just as i'm about to take my first bite, the entire thing is knocked out of my hand and onto the ground.

i snap my head up to see edie in her black suit, looking smug and proud of herself.

"no time for food, peter, we gotta train." she chirps at me with a smile that she tries her best to hide. i look between her and my ruined sandwich splayed across the floor, clear annoyance taking over my features. she chooses to ignore that, i guess.

"get that spidey suit on. meet you on the mat in five minutes," she calls out as she turns and runs for the training room. i let my eyes follow her figure until she's out of sight, only then do i turn to the mess on the ground and clean it up as fast as i can. i get ready faster than ever, eager to see what she has in store.

i slow down a few feet outside the door from my fast pace, not wanting her to think i'm too excited after she destroyed my afternoon snack. when i get to the room, she's nowhere in sight. looking back now, i don't know why i didn't see it coming.

with a soft grunt, she attacks me from behind and we both tumble to the ground, i'm trapped underneath her on my stomach as she holds one of my arms behind my back.

"gotcha." she whispers in my ear. i almost pass out right there from embarrassment, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not in the mood for some revenge for my sandwich.

i raise my free hand above my head and shoot a web that reaches the ceiling, pulling myself out from under her and away from her reach. with a sly smile beneath my mask, i taunt her, "come and get me now, wolfie."

then she does something i didn't know was even an option. she raises her arm and points it to the ceiling, a hook shoots out of her suit and clamps onto the concrete next to my head. with that, she propels herself upwards and grabs me by the ankle, ultimately taking me down.

now i'm overwhelmed by how bad i'm being beaten. i'm spiderman, why am i struggling so hard right now?

"i came prepared, parker. don't think i didn't learn from last time." edie teases as she walks around me in a wide circle. finally coming to kneel in front of me, she continues, "i have a proposal for you," she pauses to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, "we'll fight, one to one, no weapons or webs, just us. first one down for ten seconds is the loser."

suddenly wanting out of this situation due to utter embarrassment, i speak up, "well, damn, looks like i've been down longer than ten seconds, i must be the los-" she cuts me off.

"no no no, we'll wipe the slate. get up, mr. parker." she offers me a hand, which i reluctantly take, "and to make it interesting- if you win, i'll go on patrol for you tonight. and if i win," she pauses again, eyeing me up and down, "you have to tell me why you've had a stick up your ass this past week."

my eyes widen, i clear my throat and try to come up with a cover story in my head, "wh-what are you talking about? there is no stick up my-" she cuts me off. again.

"save it, peter. there is a piece of wood stuck up your ass and clearly, it's making you a grumpy boy. and hey, you only have to share if i win." she says it with a look that makes me swallow thickly, but i keep my facade up.

"alright then, let's do this."

with that, she unclasps the utility belt that hugs her waist and tosses it to the side, flinching a little at the harsh sound of sharp pangs of metal hitting the concrete. i can't just take my web shooters off, considering they were a part of my suit, but i pledge to her that i won't use them.

the fight is on when she begins circling the blue mat slowly. i follow in suit, raising my arms in a fighting position. in the moments leading up to the first move, i watch her figure waltz along the outskirts of the mat, her hips swaying naturally with each calculated step she takes. her eyes are trained on mine, or at least the expressive ones on my mask.

she charges at me with fire in her eyes, swinging two punches, one left and one right. i dodge both of them easily, simply stepping to each side as her fists fly past my head. edie huffs heavily and moves on to taking jabs at my stomach, only able to hit me once, but i'd be lying if i said it doesn't throw me off a little.

of course, with that moment of weakness, she ruthlessly grabs my arm and flings me over her shoulder, a move i'm growing to hate coming from her. once on the ground, she sits on top of me, thighs pinning down my arms on each side as she begins to count, "one, two, three..."

with a gruff grunt, i flip my legs up and around her neck, knocking her off of me and to the side as i scramble away from her. getting back onto my feet, i pivot around to avoid another angry punch that comes towards my skull. she throws one more, and i catch it in my hand, stopping her movement as she stares at me with shock.

i twist her arm behind her back and push her down on her knees, she lets out a yelp that hurts my heart, until she picks up one foot and jabs me in the leg, making me let out a yelp of my own. edie is instantly back on her feet and this time she goes for my legs again, lunging towards me and tackling me once again, "get ready to spill your guts, parker," she teases. "three, four, five..."

a horrible, mind-bending wash of nerves washes over me and as she gets closer to ten, the more energy i gather to get the girl off of me.

"seven, eight, nine..."

before she reaches ten, i mindlessly grab her by the neck and flip us over, slamming her back into the mat with more force than i realize at the time.

i immediately begin counting in my head as i hold her there with my hand, my arm shaking, breaths loud and heavy.

one, two, three...

her eyes are locked on me, she's wrapping her hands around mine.

four, five, six...

she's clawing at my hands, her eyes desperate and...

seven, eight, nine...

she's scared.

i fling myself off of her. my breathing still ragged and it hurts my lungs with every shaky inhale. i can't meet her eyes. not after they stare into mine with the only emotion i never wanted to see.

she's scared. of me. and suddenly i can't breathe. i collapse back onto the mat with a shallow thud, staring at the ceiling with a foggy haze clouding my vision. it's silent for a while, aside from the sound of our bodies struggling to fill our lungs with air.

"okay. i'm gonna head out. to patrol." edie's voice is soft and airy. and my heart is broken.

-

she left earlier than technically necessary. our patroling hours were from dusk til whenever it felt right to leave the city. she had been gone for a couple of hours and the sun was just now setting.

after what happened, i laid on the mat in the training room for a long time, not able to move as i processed the previous events. eventually, i got up. with sluggish movements, i arrived in my room and successfully stumbled out of my suit and into my bed. that's what i'm doing now. laying in bed and listening to soft music play from my phone, hoping sleep will take over my body sooner rather than later.

i roll from my back onto my side to face the nightstand next to me. a small glimmer of light reflects off of a small piece of technology. my comm. with a sigh, i reach for it and nestle it in my ear before closing my eyes and slipping away.

"pete? peter, i need you to listen to me. please be listening." a small voice pleads in my head. i raise my hand and swipe at it, as if it's a fly buzzing in my ear.

"come on. let me know you're there." the voice sounds off again. this time i open my eyes and acknowledge the words and where they’re coming from. i shoot up in bed, now sitting straight up, wiping the sweat away from my brow.

"edie? i'm here, e." i mumble, not trying to hide the worry in my voice.

she lets out a breath, "oh, oh good. peter i need you to meet me at the back door, the one in the garage."

i nod and spring out of bed, wasting no time to do what she's asked. "pete?" she whispers. it's so soft and so frail in my ear. i gulp nervously at the sound of it.

"i'm coming, hun. almost there." i whisper back as i round the staircase that leads down to the garage. there, through the glass doors, edie stands. more like leans against the clear surface with a weary smile on her face. i watch as she raises her thumb to the finger pad and the doors slide open. i watch as she takes a few slow steps to meet me. i watch her hands as they slide down her left side, coming back up, covered in blood.

and i catch her as she falls forwards, right into my arms.

|| taglist; @my-patronus-is-mabel-pines @whycantileaveyou @lovewolfspirit

let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist :)

[authorofdanger]

Reason Of Survival Part 2

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Violence, Abuse, And Slight Gore.

Stray Kids Mafia AU

The intense pressure and chill of the shower stung against my body as one of the guards sprayed me down with a water hose. I sat there as still as I could to try to make this go as quick as possible but time seemed to drag on for years before my naked body was wrapped in a tattered towel and I was tossed a clean pair of spandex shorts and a sports bra that were off shades of black.

While I struggled to get my clothes on I could hear Jeongin's screams as he fought against the guards that were cleaning him. "Don't fucking touch me! Leave me alone!" He would just be better off staying quiet and put on an act as if nothing bothered him like he does with me. Now that I think about it I wonder which side of him is the facade? Is it the brave young man that he shows me or is it the scared child he appears to be to the guards? Maybe overtime these two sides will merge into one, or possibly only one side will remain. How will this trauma effect him in a few days, weeks, or even years?

"Move runt," a guard growled before pulling me out of the shower rooms and back into my now cleaned cell where one of the cell doctors was waiting for me. This one was still relatively new to the underground after being kidnapped as she was leaving her job from a small hospital. She appeared to be no older than twenty-three and had long brown hair that was slicked back into a tight ponytail. She always treats her patients with a form of delicacy and kindness that has caused me to firmly believe she is the only good worker here.

"How are you today Y/N? You took a pretty bad beating last night?" I simply nodded my head and sighed "broken wrist and nose, possible cracked ribs, nothing crazy. My cell mate wrapped my wrist but-" "I have a brace you can wear for now," she interrupted while reaching into her medical bag and pulling out a small black wrist brace. "Its nothing grande but it should help right? Mind if I take a look?" I held out my arm to her and sucked in a sharp breath as her fingers ran around the swollen area. "I'm sorry! I'll try to be quick okay?" I watched how she slipped the brace over my hand to cover my wrist and how she had adjusted it to fit snug against my injury. "So this cell mate of yours? He's that new boy they took from one of the rivals?"

"You know about that?" She tilted her head to the side while a slight chuckle escaped her lips. "How could I not? I'm around the guards and upper ground workers all day every day. I know everything I guess." It was then that Jeongin was shoved in with his new attire of a thin black shirt and black joggers that appeared stretched and wrinkled from being manhandled. It wasn't the state of his clothes that shocked me but it was the puffiness and shade turning of his left eye and the way he held his head before slightly stumbling to the ground. I was just barely able to grab him in time to soften his landing and I noticed how I was holding my breath after he tried to squirm from my hold.

"Jeongin what happened," I asked while examining his head for blood where he was holding. "Jeongin? I'm Dr.Park can you hear me?" I let out a small sigh of relief when he said "loud and clear Doc. Dont worry I just had my head bashed into the shower floor and a fist to the face, nothing a little ice cant fix, or sleep." After a few moments of us making sure it would be safe for him to sleep I let his head rest on my thigh and his arms wrap around my leg while I gently scratched the back of his neck.

"You two really have gotten close in a short time frame," she chuckled before making one more adjustment to my wrist brace. "He's a kid Chae-" "Rosè," she corrected. "Anyways Rosè the boy is still young. He doesnt belong in this world."

"You really dont know much about his line of work do you," she chuckled, "dont let his age fool you Y/N. Honestly I think there is more to him then what we can see. Dont worry about him more then you worry about yourself alright? Now rest up for selections, starts in an hour you know?"

*****

It's like being pigs lined up for slaughter. The Boss brought in his best fighters while the rivals brought there's to examine all of us. One by one we were all being drafted and scheduled. I stood as tall as I could and let no emotion graze my face as I was touched and analyzed by other greasy men and women. The women were by far the worst, having no shame in getting into detail about the people they were selecting. One of them was pinning me up against one of her strongest women, the prize for if she won would be to take me as her slave. Another woman wanted me as a fighter of her own after seeing my past records. By the end of it I would end up fighting against three girls and two guys in the ring.

"Hey Red what about that District Nine boy you recently captured?" My eyes shot over to the boss as a warning glance. He knows very well that I am willing to take out a leader if threatened since I've done it once before, giving him the entirety of the dead man's team. "He is not up for debate. You pick the fight with who I am giving available or you can leave," he yawned while leaning back in his chair. Taking a long drink of his coffee I could see the look he was giving me through the rim of his mug, he was watching my every reaction and most likely was going to use it against me.

I pulled my gaze off of him and put my attention back on my opponents. Most of them seemed to be on my level in terms of body size and determination but one was going to be an obvious challenge. At nearly two times my height and his arms larger then my head you could tell his owner put all the eggs in one basket, rightfully so. He was a beast that could kill me in one hit if I'm not careful and the boss knew it. But I knew I was going to win, I had to win! "Let's plan these matches for two days from now. Be here no later then nine, after that its forfeit and I will claim my prize by midnight," the boss sneered, "dont test my patience."

And with that I was taken to the gym area where Jeongin sat patiently between two guards on the bench press. "So this is the punk you are fighting for," one of the other fighter's asked. "What's it to you Lau? Last I checked you only worry about yourself." "Just curious as to see who is putting you in extra shit," he chuckled before going to the weights to work on his arms and core. "Just ignore him Y/N. You know he doesnt mean anything by it," Amber encouraged with a pat on the back. Even though i know she is right there is still a part of me that wants to knock his teeth in but i will refrain for now.

"So how bad is it," Jeongin asked once i got over to him. "Nothing i cant handle. Get up so i can use this." The guards moved away from the two of us and Jeongin moved to sit on the floor and watch as I got to work. My usual routine would be to work on my strength for around twenty minutes, stamina for fifteen, and then a few other various things for the rest of the hour before we would be dragged back to the showers and get fed in our cages.

"I wonder how well you would fight against Changbin," he mumbled to himself as I continued to lift some weights and then moved over to the pull up bar. "Changbin," I asked behind shallow breaths as I pulled up all of my body weight. "He is the main fighter of Stray Kids." "Big dude," I asked but was only responded to by a fit of laughter.

"If you consider around one hundred and sixty seven centimeters in height tall then sure he is a 'big dude,' but to the rest of us he isn't. But dont let his height fool you, the man is a beast." Rolling my eyes I took a small glance around the room to see most of the others were watching us. Some with pure curiosity while others had more of jealousy burning in their eyes. One man in particular gave the most menacing look. "You got a problem Hongbin," I growled before landing on my feet. He let out a tight scoff as he approached us. "Maybe I do. What makes you so special that you dont have to do shit," he asked as he shoved Jeongin back by his chest.

I was quick to get between the two and land a quick blow to his neck, knocking him to his knees. "Fucking touch him again I dare you," I spat, "anyone else got a fucking problem or can we mind our own business here?" All the eyes that watched intensely earlier immediately shot away from us. Once Hongbin was stumbling back to his feet I knew there would be blood in a matter of minutes. His face was red with a few veins showing here and there and his fists were balled. His anger was always quick to get to him ever since he was assigned to the ring, honestly I cant blame him.

His hand found it's way to my throat and he shoved me into the mirror where my head would slam hard enough to break part of the glass. Everyone in the room froze as I let out a small laugh. "You think I wont put your ass in place because of your fighting status," he growled after he took a swing at my face. My already broken nose stung while the rest of my face began to numb letting me know that it was either fight or get my ass handed to me. I was quick with my hands and yanked a shard of glass from the mirror and shove it into his left hand, forcing him to drop me before I kicked him back and swung my leg around to knock him off of his feet. I grabbed him by his scalp and dragged him over to where our weighted belts and jump ropes were and then proceeded to whip him with the smallest rope we had. After a few seconds he was back to his feet and racing towards me but I was able to barely dodge him and throw a weighted ball at his leg.

In a flash I noticed a body leap ontop of him and hit his head hard with a dumbbell, successfully knocking him out. Jeongin shoved the dead weight off of him and gave me a huge grin as he got back up. "Is he always that aggressive," he asked as if nothing happened. Maybe Rosè was right, maybe I shouldn't worry so much about him.

*****

"You two really do enjoy causing problems dont you," boss asked while his guards tied us to the wooden chairs. I know the rules at this point, stay silent and dont look him in the eyes. If you make yourself look small he will go easy on you but the tougher you act the tougher the punishment.

Jeongin doesnt quite grasp this concept and decided to thrash and fight the guards while yelling at everyone in the room. "He started it! She was defending herself! Leave her alone!" A firm grasp yanked my gaze from the floor and into a pair of ice cold eyes. "Seems someone has gotten attached to our little mutt," he spat. His grip grew tighter by the second until my jaw was forced open and painfully pried to its limits. "Maybe you should pay for his constant running mouth." My heart was beating a million beats a minute and I let out small whimpers as he begins to push and pull on my jaw lightly. When he began to get rougher with me i couldnt help the painful cries i was letting out, knowing he was trying to dislocate my jaw in the most painful way he could. My eyes screwed shut and i just prayed that it would be quick and it be my only punishment. "Stop it! Let her go! Please!"

"Maybe I should make you two an example. Untie them and throw him in his cell. She goes in the empty one beside him and I want her hands tied to the ceiling." Finally releasing my sore but intact jaw I felt my body get ripped from the seat and bonds and was being pulled by my hair while Jeongin had to be escorted by three guards. "Why are you acting so small? I've seen you fight Y/N so do it!"

Soon he will understand, there are times to be big and times to be small. Over the years I have learned what to do for each situation and right now I had to be small and pliant.

As we entered our hall I heard the nervous cries and mumbles that bounces off the walls and was harshly thrown into the cell next to the one Jeongin was shoved into. The guards all came in and roughly bounded my hands and hung me to where my toes only brushed the ground. My shoulders were screaming in agony along with the wrist that I injured now even days ago.

"Y/N fight back," he pleaded while trying to reach for me only for a guard to step on his hand. "Stop it Jeongin," I cried, "please just stop." He was only making this worse for the both of us. I was baring both punishments for severely injuring Hongbin and his constant pleading wasn't helping anything.

The boss came in with a few of his favorite tools. His whip, a few knives, and a few things I havent quite seen before. The whip was the first thing he reached for with a crooked grin on his face. "The punishment would have only been ten but since you decided to take on anything for this little nuisance that makes it twenty right?"

"Y-yes sir," i stammered. Leaning my head away and shutting my eyes I took in a deep breath to try and calm my tensing nerves but as soon as the first strike hit there was no way of relaxation. It started on my thighs, and then my back, and finally to my chest. The stinging never left and my vision blurred from the tears I couldnt even try to hold back. My throat was becoming raw from my cries but behind it all I could hear Jeongin yelling like a mad man.

The knives were for the whip's markings that didnt dig into my skin, he loved to mark me knowing that i would always remember the night i received that specific mark. My skin was numbing at this point and I couldn't keep my head up. For a while everything stopped and i believed it was over until a shearing pain dug into my shoulder blade and two guards held me in place. The smell of burning flesh was filling my nose and the slight hiss was barely heard. I was being branded.

When the punishment was finally over they didnt even bother getting the rope off of my wrist but they tossed my limp body where Jeongin sat helplessly. I let out a small cry at the slightest touch, body too sensitive to want any human contact at all. Soon the rope was gently pulled off of me and I was pulled into a shaking embrace.

"Chan where are you," he whispered as I fell into darkness.