#suicide squad is so fucked. just as like a concept with it set up this way. eay to make something cool and complex so interesting and stupi

[themyscirah]

New suicide squad is fucking horrible yet again (surprise, surprise). No shade specifically on Maines because she could be doing it worse (see anything TT has done w Waller & the squad) but her Waller and everything dc has done with the character the past few years makes me want to bash my head in. Also love how they changed Waller's origin to be exactly opposite to what it was before in a really major way

Absolutely no respect at all. Lovely

[levi-my-beloved]

Chapter Two: The Ackerbond Hurts

Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Warnings: Self hatred, panic attacks, brief mention of suicide,

A/N: i. love. writing. this. series. and you all seem to love it too!!!! please the love chapter one received was incredible, and i honestly cannot thank everyone enough for the response <3

as always please thank @peace-for-levi for the fantastic job she does beta reading, and turning my word vomit into something coherent, and thank @levmada for the original concept <3

CRASH COURSE POKER VOCAB: Texas (Krolva) Hold'Em: type of game, To Fold: to not longer play the round, Flop: Three initial cards drawn, River: The fifth card in the flop, Royal Flush: having an Ace, King, Queen, Jack, Ten, Three of a kind: having three of the same card, Call: to match the raised bet, Check: to continue the round with no raised bets.

taglist: @levmada @awesomeness1679 @purplecandygerl @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @pluvio-pluto @midnightbarnes97 @aresclouds @imkumichan @xxpadfootxx @cmjh3 @justa19 @notgoodforlife @leviackermanmyhero245 @kaea-peverall @jakillski @macaronnv @natalie-skz @oldtownwonderland @snailsposts

You didn’t speak of what happened that day. You couldn’t. You had far too many questions, and you knew Levi would give far too few answers. How did he know, was your first one? How did he know you needed help? No, not even that. How did he preempt knowing you would need help? When you’d spotted him barrelling towards you, there was no way he would have made it in time unless he’d set off before you’d even been caught. You’d seen where he went, he was too far away to make it at such short notice. So how did he know?

The second was whatever the hell happened after. He’d held you, and wouldn’t let go. He’d held you as you regained your shaky breath, and willed your limbs to stop trembling. He’d held you as you fought down the primal urge to scream, to release all your pent up terror and adrenaline, as you tried so hard not to vomit all over his shirt. Held you as you could do nothing but bury your face in his chest and just breathe, gulping down oxygen like it was going out of fashion. He hadn’t said anything, he just did what he promised, and held you. Tight.

And then he let go, as if nothing had happened. As if your heart wasn’t in your throat, and not from your near death experience. He’d let go and gently rolled you off him, wincing at a pain you couldn’t see. One he’d saved you from. And one you wish you were feeling instead. It was all you could do to nod when he’d asked if you were alright. It was all you could do to stare at the ground, trying to remember the exact order of events that just took place. They were already a blurr. 

But Levi had already risen to his feet, dusting himself off as the rest of your squad trickled in. First Gunther, with a flurry of apologies and a helping hand to get you off the ground. Then an extremely concerned Eld, who instantly wrapped his arm around your shoulder the moment he saw you weren’t hurt, offering nothing but worried glances and soothing words. Petra and Oluo trailed behind, not knowing what the fuck had just happened. Neither did you, if you were being honest, so you left the explaining up to Gunther as Eld escorted you to somewhere quiet.

“I’m just glad you’re alive.” He kept saying, and you mulled his words over in your head. 

Was Levi glad you were alive? He seemed anything but when he just walked away. He seemed borderline irritated with you, inconvenienced by your successful attempt to save Gunther’s life. You’d landed in the best possible outcome so, why the hell was he annoyed with you?

“Would you say I’m a nuisance?” Your question came out of the blue, so out of the blue that Eld asked you to repeat yourself, before scoffing in your face.

“Are you kidding? A nuisance? You? Do you realise how far this squad has come because of you? How far I’ve come because of you? We’re all able to work so well together because. Of. You. And you’re questioning whether or not you’re a nuisance?” Well, when he put it like that, you couldn’t help but scoff along with him. He hadn’t left your side since he came over after Levi had left you. And you weren’t about to explain that you were only feeling this way because of him. You had far too many unanswered questions to plunge into that tangled mess right now.

“I guess.” You sighed, leaning into the blonde’s embrace. Sometimes the lines between you two did fade into romanticism, not that you ever minded. Neither did he, if the way he simply held you tighter was anything to judge upon. 

“You almost died. It’s normal to feel this kind of self doubt. Especially after having to be saved by the Captain of all people,”

“Oh, cheers. Really working to make me feel better there.” You quipped sarcastically, drawing a relieved chuckle from your comrade. Knowing you were now okay, Eld removed his arm from your shoulder. Cute, platonically romantic moment over with then, you guessed. 

“But you did save Gunther’s life. You know what he’s like. Expect some weird doll wielding a pitchfork and missing several teeth at your doorstep as a thank you.” It hurt to laugh, you swiftly discovered. Like someone was squeezing your ribs a bit too hard. But you laughed all the same. It was why you liked to stick around him. Eld always had a special way of making you laugh. In the same weird way Levi did when you were alone with him. Less so in a social setting. 

You hadn’t realised how far you’d wandered before Petra came cantering up the hill on her horse, looking between you two with her all-too-familiar look of innocence. Much like what she did in the courtyard earlier that morning; you narrowed your eyes in challenge, daring her to ask. She mimicked your tight smile.

“Eld, you’re needed back at the camp. Hange says she’s finally found her two ‘babies’, which is a terrifying thought,” – she dismounted from her ride, handing the reins over to him– “take Squeak, I’ll walk back.” Eld nodded, swiftly turning back to give you a tight hug.

“I’m glad you’re alive.” He said again, making you consider once more whether certain other members of your squad were just as glad. You huffed a long, heavy sigh as he mounted Petra’s horse, turned heel, and took off at a canter, leaving you alone with the Red-Head Inquisition. 

“Luckily for you, you almost just died. So I’ll refrain from battering you with teasing until a later date. You’re welcome.” Okay, laughing really hurt. You grit your teeth against the throbs of pain, grasping the side of your ribs. How the hell you’d ended up so injured, you had no idea. But Petra wasn’t about to let your discomfort go. “Okay, lift up your jumper, let’s see the damage before I decide whether to shove you on the medical wagon or not.” 

You loved Petra. So damn much. 

Bunching the thick fabric in your hands, you raised it as far as you could under your harness, wincing as it pushed painfully against the tender area. Though Petra looked puzzled, even asking you to remove your tan jacket so she could see a little better. 

“There’s… there’s nothing here. No bruises, no discolouring, not even a scratch… are you sure you’re in pain? It could just be psychological, I’ve heard of phantom pains when you think something should be hurting but–”

“Pet, trust me, I’m in pain. Maybe it’s just not showing yet? Could just be in the developing stages.” Though you sounded unconvinced. Surely, with this degree of pain, something should be showing. But you ran your fingers over where it hurt most, and couldn’t feel a single bump. You exchanged a confused glance with the girl, who looked at you sceptically.

“Well, we should probably have the medics check you out anyway, but I’m telling you, there’s nothing there.”

“In your professional medical opinion?” You asked dryly, yanking your hoodie back down so she couldn’t prod or poke you any further.

“Exactly. In my professional medical opinion, I diagnose you with being dramatic.” 

You snorted, gently hitting her with your forearm. Before that too throbbed in complaint and you couldn’t control yet another grimace. Though you loved Petra, you cursed her for being so observant. 

“Alright, roll up your sleeve. Walls, you’re like a reluctant toddler.” 

Though you really were reluctant about this one. You’d taken a quick glance at the yellowish bruising on your forearm, and it was obviously not from any titan, and was much harder to explain. “It’s fine Pet, let’s just head back, we’re already too far from camp and if we run into titans out here, we’re fucked.” You huffed, already beginning the long walk back down the hill to where you could see a makeshift strategy tent had been erected, as well as several smaller medical tents. But, once again, Petra wasn’t having any of it, and you swore you would have similar bruising on your other arm from how hard she snatched at it to stop you.

“Absolutely not. Sleeve. Up. Now.” 

You sighed, contemplating making a run for it. Though in your current phantom condition, you didn’t think you’d make it very far before tripping and rolling down the second half. So you conceded, holding out your arm for her to roughly tug up your sleeve. “Fuck! Ow Petra, that fucking hurt, some medical professional you are.” Though the micro-second Petra didn’t respond to your jab, dread pooled in your gut. Her face dropped, suddenly far too serious for your liking. 

“Where did you get these?” You’d never heard her so curt, so clipped. Every syllable spat as if they were venomous. But you shut your mouth, refusing to respond until she pushed further, spitting your name. “Where did you get these? Or rather, who did you get these from?”

“Drop it, Pet.” Your voice didn’t nearly have the conviction in it you wanted.

“I’m serious. How long have you had these?” 

You jerked your head up, horrified at what she was implying. “I got them today, I promise. When working with the Captain, he just grabbed me too hard, that’s all. A bit like you’re doing right now, so could you chill the fuck out?” You tried to lighten the tension with a halfhearted smile as she let go of your other arm. You used it to swiftly pull down your sleeve, gripping it in your palm. You hated it when Petra worried about you. You hated it when anyone worried about you, in fact. It was unnecessary and irritating. 

Though totally fine when you did it.

Petra sighed, coming to terms with the fact she was fighting a losing battle. She knew how fiercely protective you were over Levi’s reputation, but she also knew you were honest when it mattered. There wasn’t anything more to this than what you were telling her. And she was going to trust you on that. 

“Alright. As long as you promise you’ll get some salve on it the moment we get back to HeadQuarters. And get your weird rib thing looked at when we get back to the tent. Ooo, actually, get some salve at the tent if they have some, maybe the bruising will go down by this evening.”

You nodded as you both finally started returning to the makeshift camp. You would see if the medics had any kind of soothing balm for your arm, if only to prevent seeing Levi’s face if he were to catch sight of the bruising.

Levi stood with his arms folded in the strategy tent, face like thunder, gritting his teeth against the occasional throb of his badly bruised ribs and weird arm pain. He knew the guilt he would feel for hurting you would consume him, but he wasn’t quite expecting physical pain to accompany the mental one. He was all for paying penance, but this was a bit much if he was being honest. The emotional agony of knowing you’d been marked because of him simply wasn’t enough – apparently – despite his mind additionally torturing him with mental images of what would have happened had he not made it in time. He could hear your screaming ringing in his ears, could feel your fruitless struggle against an iron grip, the desperation in his own soul as he watched himself fail, over and over again. Your voice cut off with a sickening crack. Levi suppressed a flinch. 

Why? Why the fuck was he seeing these things? Why was he hearing them? He was barely present in the room, only vaguely aware of Hange muttering to themselves, followed by her sombre looking assistant. Why did his head insist on ripping his heart out repeatedly, only to stitch it back together with the memory of holding you? With the recognition that you were in fact, still alive. He hadn’t lost you. He hadn’t failed. Was this some kind of prevention? Some kind of sick twisted way for his body to tell him not to let you get into that kind of situation again? Some fucked up instinct that was hell bent on keeping you safe? 

He briefly thought back to Kenny, for some reason. The bastard didn’t tell him much about who he was, but he seemed to know enough about his last name. All Levi knew was that he had some kind of connection to Ackermans before him. That was all the sleezy fuck told him. Although how he even knew that, Levi didn’t know. Probably something to do with his mother. 

He didn’t want to think about it anymore. At least the headache had stopped.

Hange cleared their throat, still pouring over maps spread across a wooden table, small pins stabbed into the parchment detailing what looked like a differing path back to the Wall. Moblit stayed silent, clearly reading the tension in the room. The unspoken barrage of temporary hatred between the Captain and the Scientist. But Hange looked resigned. “We’ll go via the river, that way we only have our left to look out for. The rapids are strong enough to knock over a five metre, and we’ll be alerted to anything bigger than that sooner rather than later.” 

Levi held no sympathy for them. You almost died today. That wasn’t something he was going to forgive anytime soon. But if Hange didn’t return with at least one titan in their grasp, he would kill them himself.

“We’re retreating already? After everything we sacrificed today? After the lives you sacrificed on this stupid fucking ordeal? No, we’ll capture one on the way back.” His tone left no room for debate, and Moblit seemed to take this as a signal to leave before things inevitably got messy. 

Hange sighed, pushing their goggles up onto their forehead. “Levi, it’s not worth it. People–”

They couldn’t finish before Levi grabbed them by the lapels of their jacket, and tugged them dangerously close. “Shut the fuck up, shitty glasses. It’s gone past the point where you get to decide what to do with the lives of my comrades. If you didn’t get so caught up in your fucking head, you would have seen the bullshit you pulled today. Though I have no problem beating the shit out of you, maybe it’ll knock some sense into you. 

“Do you have any idea who we almost lost today? The entirety of Miche’s Squad was almost wiped out because you couldn’t get your head out your ass for two fucking seconds to see the bigger picture. The lives of my squad were endangered because of you and your hellbent desire on capturing one of these fucks. So we’re gonna do what we came here to do, then we’re going the fuck home. Got it?”  Hange’s eyes were almost comically wide, listening to Levi’s tirade of utter fury. There was a part of him that wanted to mention your sacrifice, a part of him that wanted to explain every excruciating detail of what he saw, just to watch their expression morph into unconsolable guilt.

But even he wasn’t that cruel. That was his burden to bear, and his alone. 

Hange took a breath, and exhaled all the tension that had creeped into their shoulders. A more serene, relaxed look smoothing their creased brow and wide eyes. They looked refreshed.

“Yeah, got it. Thanks Levi. I needed that.” 

It seemed Levi wasn’t the only one who felt the need to pay penance for what he did today. A feeling he understood so completely, he let go of their jacket. Though he felt no desire for further conversation with them.

“Tch, just sort your shit out and get us home before anyone else dies.” He spat, before turning on his heel and storming out from the tent, instantly breathing in the fresher air of the outside. A reprieve of almost two whole seconds before his heart sank again. You were emerging from the medical tent with Petra in tow, and a bandage wrapped around your arm. Speaking of which, his own weird ache had finally calmed down. He subtly prodded the area on his forearm, finding no pain retaliating. Curious, he touched the supposed bruise on his ribs.

Oh okay, that was most definitely still there. Though his head snapped back to you as he heard your quiet “ow”. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? There was nothing there! The medic literally just checked you over and found no trace of injury. Are you faking it to get Eld’s attention or something?” 

Your look of sheer indignation to Petra had him silently chuckling, content to briefly watch your exchange.

“Okay let’s slow down for a second. Firstly, I wouldn’t need to fake a fucking injury to get Eld’s attention. Secondly, I don’t particularly want Eld’s attention for crying out loud, that’s just something you and Nanaba have made up to keep yourselves entertained when you get bored of lamenting about your own love lives. And thirdly, I’m not. Fucking. Faking it. It seriously hurts, and I have no idea why.” You looked desperate for some kind of explanation, and he couldn’t blame you. He too wanted an explanation for the unexplainable pain in his arm. Though he sort of knew what that was. The powers of crushing guilt never ceased to morbidly amaze him. 

“Whatever you say. Where is the squad anyway? Thought they’d be here to welcome you back.” 

You threw her a confused glance. “I thought you said Hange had found her– oh I fucking hate you.”

“What?”

“That was a lie wasn’t it?” You sighed when she responded with a slightly sheepish look– “Petra! Fuck’s sake! Why am I not allowed to have other friends?” You asked, though Levi could see there was nothing but gentle teasing in your tone, the same faux petulance he saw from you last night. It warmed him, despite everything.

“Because I’m greedy and I want you all to myself.” Petra responded, lightly tapping the tip of your nose with her index finger in the most condescending manner Levi had ever seen you put up with. Visions of you borderline dislocating the shoulders of men who had done that to you previously flashed in his head. The weirdest sense of pride flared in his chest at the thought. 

“At least buy me dinner first.” You muttered, though your fond smile refused to dampen. Levi hadn’t noticed he’d been staring until you glanced his way, and he saw you double take before instantly stiffening. Petra, clearly noting your sudden shift, followed your eye-line, and nodded with the understanding that this was about to be an awkward exchange. 

“Captain.” Both you and Petra saluted, though your wince wasn’t didn’t go unnoticed. Neither did his. 

“At ease. Petra, you did well today, I’ll be pairing you with Oluo more often from now on.” The red-head nodded, bringing her fist down from her chest. You looked as if you would rather be anywhere else but in this current conversation, and Levi couldn’t help the slight pang of hurt at the idea. He understood that today hadn’t been very easy, but what he didn’t understand was how that affected your relationship. Were you really that eager to sacrifice yourself, to the point where you were mad at him for saving you? No, you weren’t illogical, nor suicidal. At least not to his knowledge. 

“Thank you, Sir. He listens surprisingly well when on the field.” Petra smiled brightly, but you detected the slightest hint of a hidden smirk on her face. Retching in front of your superior officer probably wouldn’t be very appropriate, so you kept your repulsion silent. What Oluo and Petra did when behind closed doors was a secret you very much didn’t want to be privy to. 

“We have about half an hour before we’re packing up and heading back, so rest up. Four Eyes wants to capture one by the river, where it’s less dangerous and we only have the left side to worry about.” 

You exchanged a quick look with Petra at his words. You knew it was her dismissal, since he hadn’t even looked at you, but you silently begged her not to heed it. Silently pleaded with her to wait until he had dismissed you both. 

But she returned your begging with an apologetic glance, before saluting again. “Yes Sir, I’ll inform the rest of the squad.” Was all she said, before she left you. Alone. With a man you swore couldn’t be bothered with your existence right now. You clenched your jaw, standing in deafening silence. 

Levi didn’t even know where to start. Should he ask if you were okay? You obviously were, no serious injuries to count for. Should he take you somewhere quieter to talk to you? That sounded too suspicious, and way too noticeable. Maybe he should ask about your ribs. Yeah, he’d heard your conversation with Petra, you were still in pain from something that didn’t seem to be there. Maybe it was internal, maybe something had fractured or broken and it just wasn’t showing yet. Oh shit, what if something had ruptured? Fuck, you shouldn’t even be standing if that had happened, what the hell were you doing idly chatting to Petra with internal bleeding? Fucking shit you should be–

“Captain?” 

Levi had never really considered himself to be an overthinker until this moment, where he was broken out of his trance by that little concerned pinch of your brow. He’d always managed to keep a clear head, never letting his thoughts run away like that. So why now was he freaking the fuck out over something that was highly unlikely. You didn’t even look injured. You were fine. He was fine. You were both fine. 

“Captain…?” you pressed.

“Mm?” Levi finally found it in him to respond, though no words seemed to present themself. All he could manage was a hum of acknowledgement. Still, it seemed to blend the worry from your brows, just hearing him respond easing your tension slightly. 

“Have you been checked over?” You asked, quickly scanning his body for any sign of discomfort. Though you knew it was fruitless. You knew he’d learned to hide any kind of physical discomfort extremely well, choosing instead to ignore any kind of pain in favour of getting a job done. It would be admirable if it didn’t piss you off so much. How fucking hard was it to take a quick break to get yourself checked over for crying out loud? 

“What?”

“Have you been checked over? By the medics?” 

“Oh. No.”

You bristled, breathing out an irritated sigh. You don’t know why you even got your hopes up. Of course he hadn’t. And he wouldn’t if you didn’t drag him into the tent yourself. And you would have done, had this happened yesterday. But now… now you weren’t so sure. You weren’t sure how he would react to such a causal display of closeness between you two. Not when he kept blowing hot and cold like this. It left your head spinning and your stomach twisting. 

“I would suggest doing that… Sir.” You almost forgot your formalities, despite your situation. Mainly because you didn’t know what the fuck he was thinking right now, and reading these tones was impossible. Levi blinked at you blankly, and you couldn’t help but wonder whether this was what it was like talking to a brick wall. Was this how water felt when it ran off a duck’s back? You almost pitied the rain. 

You bit your tongue to stop yourself from snapping at him, and instead backed up into the medical tent, turning slightly to part the two canvas flaps. It felt like you were trying to entice a scared kitten from under a bed, trying to encourage him out by showing him that it was okay. Being checked by a fucking medic was okay. He was allowed to look after himself once in a while.

It wasn’t that Levi was reluctant. More that he didn’t know how the fuck to handle this situation. He was at an utter loss. This was exactly the same situation as last night, where you just switched at the drop of a hat.  He didn’t know what to make of it, and it had stunned him into paralysis. Where he simply couldn’t move or speak, because he was stuck just deciphering you. 

“Captain.” You were getting sick of this now. If he really hated you that much, he shouldn’t have saved you. Did he realise that after he’d held you for minutes upon long minutes? Was that what he was contemplating? Whether or not to feed you to the next titan he came across. Fine. You would live with that. You would bury everything that had happened, bury any sense of familiarity you felt when around him, but first he had to see the fucking medic.

Levi wordlessly stepped forward into the tent, skin buzzing as he passed you, like an excited moth before a smouldering lamp. Did you know you had that effect on him?

“Captain Levi! What can I do for you, sir?” The poor overworked medic was still packing away her things from when you’d arrived earlier. Salves, bandages, a small splint, though you thought the last one was a bit excessive. Though when her eyes landed on you, you felt a little sheepish. You’d insisted earlier there was something wrong with your ribs, since they still fucking hurt, but she’d gotten a little annoyed with you when she kept finding nothing. “If you’re back to ask me to look at your ribs again, I’m just going to send you away.” She added flatly, her hands placed firmly on her hips as she regarded you with nothing but discontent.

“Ah, no. Not mine this time. His.” You gestured to Levi who seemed to have found the fucking cheek to look bored right now. Arms folded, regarding the medic like she was the last person he wanted to be seeing right now. She seemed utterly unphased.

“Right, more phantom rib injuries or is this one real this time?” You stopped briefly to wonder where she stored all that audacity, but luckily for you, it seemed Levi didn’t have the patience for her attitude either.

“Considering it’s me, we’re talking about, I’ll leave that deduction up to you.” You stole a quick glance at him. So now he speaks up. Once again, you bit your tongue. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d successfully pissed you off. If that was even satisfying to him. 

But his scathing comment seemed to have pushed back her attitude, and she instantly started to unpack the equipment she’d just put away, asking him politely to remove his jacket and to unbutton his shirt. You took this as your cue to leave, glad he was too preoccupied with something else to blankly stare at you anymore. But you barely managed to turn around, before;

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” 

The colour drained from your face. “I just, I thought you would want some privacy, Sir.” Why was it all of a sudden so difficult to hold your voice steady? Even clenching your jaw, you could feel your throat wavering as you sucked in a breath. 

“Tch, don’t you play strip poker with everyone else?” Vaguely you registered the surprised squeak of the medic.

“I– well, yes Sir, but you don’t tend to join us, so I didn’t know if it was uncomfortable for you or not.” Your reasoning had his heart bursting. Why were you always so considerate towards him? It was irritating… kind of.

“Did it occur to you that I might not be joining in because of the several mountains of paperwork in my office?”

You couldn’t help it this time. “Did it occur to you that both Hange and Miche manage to take a fucking break once in a while and spend time with their respective squads. Hange being a goddamn Section Commander?” You bit back, glaring razors at his paused form. You took a second to collect yourself, and instantly felt bad about the bite. You knew how hard he worked, it plagued you both everyday. And you knew he worked so he could make sure he had enough time to train with his squad. To make sure none of you fucking died out here. Well, most of you. “Sorry. That was unnecessary of me, Sir. I apologise.”

“Stop being so fucking formal. It’s grating when it comes from you,” 

You tried not to take offence, though it was difficult when he’d done nothing but treat you with indifference since he left you on the field. You couldn’t deflect this anymore. After a while, the little jabs start to pierce through your thick skin. You were normally good at returning them with jabs or quips of your own, but you’d almost just died and now the one person you thought you were closest to now couldn’t care less about your existence. You were tired, and now you were just hurt.

“Right. Yeah, sorry.” 

Even the medic looked up at that. You hadn’t meant to sound so downcast, but you were rapidly losing control over your expression. With your eyes on the ground, you didn’t see the way Levi’s eyes widened slightly, didn’t see the way his mouth parted in subtle consternation. He went to say something, but whatever words he had died on his tongue as he watched you wince. Not from something said, but rather something felt. It was the same moment the medic sat him down on the camp bed and put slight pressure on the blossoming purple bruise down his side. He glanced at her, only for his gaze to linger. She looked puzzled. Extremely puzzled.

“This is… okay well, first of all your ribs are cracked. I would advise not to engage in any further combat today. And secondly, well, this is exactly what you were describing” – she turned to look at you, completely baffled – “right down to the shaping. As in, where you were pointing on your side, that’s exactly what’s happened here. It’s… uncanny.”

You had literally nothing to say. What the hell could you say? All you’d done is point to where you’d felt pain. How the fuck that correlated with Levi’s own injury, you couldn’t explain. But it scared you, for some reason. It scared you.

The room fell into an eerie silence as the medic continued her work, applying the same salve to his ribs as she did to your arm, and bandaging up his torso. It was only after she’d left, clearly sensing the tension in the tent, did you finally voice what had been on your mind for over an hour now.

“You didn’t have to save me, you know.” 

Levi froze at your matter-of-fact words, hands halfway through buttoning up his shirt paused as he looked back at you. Deciphering his emotions right now would have taken days of careful study, so he reacted with the most instinctual one. Indifferent irritation. It seemed to have worked so far.

“The hell are you talking about?”

“You could have just let me go. It just- I don’t know, I don’t think it was worth the burden. Or your ribs. If this happens again, or something similar, if it’s going to cause you this much discomfort just… let it go. I’m not saying I’m not grateful! I am, I am grateful, but you don’t seem to–” you caught yourself before you said anything out of line. Not realising the line was crossed the second you suggested he just let you die. And now he was pissed. No scratch that, Levi was furious. This was the first time he’d ever felt this kind of anger towards you, and he fucking hated it. How could you casually say shit like that? What kind of fucked up joke was this? How the fuck could you so easily jest about losing your own life? He turned round, facing you now and preparing to fire off on you, before he caught sight of your face.

You weren’t joking. You were being serious. Dead serious. 

You really thought he didn’t care about you. But you didn’t seem upset, just resigned. How the hell had he managed to fuck up this badly? To the point where you were genuinely serious about how disposable you thought you were. It dampened his rage like a wet rag on a campfire. Every instinct tore at him to hold you like he did earlier. To reassure you again and again that this wasn’t the case. You meant more to him than you would ever know. A pressing weight squeezed his chest, tightening around his heart and slowly constricting. 

He didn’t understand why you were saying this. Why you’d lost that spark he’d seen earlier today, and he had been seeing for the years he’d known you. But you’d lost it. And fuck if that didn’t hurt. He wanted to make it better. Make it go away. Whatever pain you were feeling, he didn’t care, he just wanted to make it okay again. 

“Don’t be fucking stupid.” I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I lost you today. “You think you can just throw your life away because you assume it would be the most convenient option?” I care about you too much to let you do that, to let you ever do that. “Say something that stupid again and you’re not coming on the next expedition.” I can’t bear to hear you talk about yourself like that, you matter so much more than you realise.  

But he could see you were drowning. See you’d been snagged by whatever you believed, and it was pulling you under. Dragging you down to a place he couldn’t reach you. You weren’t looking at him, he didn’t even think you were listening to him. Eyes hollow as you stared at the ground a few feet in front of you. 

He knew you were reliving the moment you’d been caught. He knew you were watching different events unfold, a what-could-have-been scenario. He knew because he’d seen it too. But the idea of you becoming comfortable with that outcome terrified the shit out of him, and the longer you lost yourself to that trance, the more likely your death would become less harrowing to you. And the more petrifying it became for him. 

Calling your name didn't work. He just tried twice. Your eyes were widening the more you sank, white noise invading your ears as you found yourself no longer in the medical tent, but back out on the field. Had you blacked out? How the fuck did you manage to be back out in the field? And how long had you been fighting a titan? The movements were startlingly familiar, you’d performed these exact manoeuvres today with Gunther. An exact echo of your earlier fight. Even to the point where–

You couldn’t feel the collision with your comrade. Couldn’t hear him shout your name. Couldn’t feel the suffocating grasp around your body as you were snatched from the sky. But it was fine, you’d realised this was just a memory now. You’d blacked out in the tent, and you were dreaming. It’s fine, he wouldn’t let you die. He was coming. You didn’t die here. 

Any moment now, you’d be falling again. 

Any second. Any… any……

You started to panic, breath quickening, heart thundering. This was it. You did die here after all. Levi wasn’t coming, this wasn’t a dream. He’d weighed up the situation and found you worth less than the consequences. And it was that thought, that paradoxical knife of contented agony that put you at ease. This was the choice he would regret least: letting you go. Gunther was safe, and the price was low. So you embraced the pool of dread in the pit of your stomach, and savoured the sound of your own bones cracking under the force of–

“Hey, hey, you still with me?” Levi had taken your arm and squeezed gently, not enough for the pain of your bruise to throb, but enough to bring you back to him. And though you blinked at him, your breathing didn’t slow. Your trembling didn’t cease. 

Your heart was beating so hard you could feel it in your gut. Could feel the relentless pounding at the base of your chest. Everything was too bright here. Everything was too loud. You couldn’t focus, unable to decipher reality from fiction. You stared wide eyed ahead of you, lost amongst shades of blue and grey. 

That was when Levi started to really worry. When you couldn’t focus on his voice. When your eyes would refuse to see him. You were clawing up to the surface, only to find a glass ceiling. You were trapped. Trapped in this minimal space between what came to be and what could have been. The sound of your own shattering bones wove with a baritone voice you knew you needed to follow. But it kept disappearing, and you were tugged back into your nightmare. 

He could feel it. How hard you were fighting. He could feel every attempt you made to break free of whatever held you. Levi didn’t question it because it felt so instinctual. Every desperate lunge for his mind felt natural, though it was something he would mull over much, much later. He kept his voice and hands steady until he felt you finally latch on with a good enough grip.

“You’re okay. You’re safe now, you’re with me. You’re alright, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, okay? I’m right here, you can come back now, it’s safe I promise. You’re okay, you’re alive. You’re alive.” He didn’t question how he knew what to say. Didn’t question how he knew you were following him back to reality. Didn’t question whatever had drowned you so deep he had to jump in after you. But he swore that was never happening again. Under no circumstances was he ever letting you doubt him, or yourself, again. Not if these were the consequences. 

You felt like you were being peeled from an oil-spill, your mind finally releasing you with a satisfying pop. The white noise in your ears faded away, and your eyes focused on Levi’s. Slowly your heart came down from its racing beat, though kept fluttering in a way you knew wasn’t as desperately terrifying. “What the fuck was that…?” you whispered, too stunned to make any attempts to move away when Levi hesitantly, gently guided your chin so he could search your face for any kind of injury. He knew he wouldn’t find anything, but he just had to make sure. “Did you see that too…?”

Levi stopped, once again having no idea how to deal with this situation. An all consuming panic attack brought on by the crushing weight of existential dread, sure. Easy. A simple question such as this? Levi was back to square one. 

But you took his silence as confirmation. He had seen something, at least. And it honestly made you feel a little better. Though you still had to ask; “Would you have done it? If you could go back and do it again, would you have done it?”

He understood the question instantly. He’d been asking himself the same ever since he caught you. Since he’d seen his own nightmare sequence back in the strategy tent. Not his first, not by a long way. Would he have let you die? If he could have seen the consequences, would he have let you go? If the circumstances had been any different, and his own life had been on the line to save yours, would he have been able to watch you die? Each answer came without a shadow of a doubt.

“No. I would choose you. Every single time.” 

Fuck did he want to kiss you.   

Hange finally got what they wanted. A five metre and a fifteen metre. Although luring them back proved difficult. The five metre was easily subdued, but needed regular dismembering to make sure it wouldn’t go for any soldiers. The fifteen metre was a little trickier. Though the spring triggered nets worked well, they weren’t strong enough to hold the strength of that kind of titan. Soldiers took shifts to become bait for this thing, riding ahead whilst trying to keep the balance of interest. You were stifling your nerves since you were up next, knowing the second you saw the green smoke, you’d once again be the subject of delicious interest for a titan. But a minute before you were due to replace Petra, Levi separated from the group, only to return with ‘word from Hange’.

“You’re injured and so, excused. Oluo, you’re up.” Though it grated on your nerves a little, you knew now why. Deciphering Levi’s “confession” in the medical tent had taken the entire journey back so far. There was no deception in his eyes. Nothing but earnest honesty. He didn’t regret what he did. And he really would have done it again, given the chance. You understood now, so you didn’t argue. 

Closer to the wall, the titan’s arms and legs were severed, and a net was secured over its hulking body. You didn’t envy the poor horses that had to cart this thing through Trost district. But it was only once you were finally back at HeadQuarters could you relax. You sat in the communal lounge with your squad, nursing a small glass of whiskey despite the early afternoon hours. Though, when one is a Scout, one doesn’t tend to adhere to a drinking schedule. 

Eld had taken a seat next to you, shuffling a deck of cards in his hand. It was one of his habits, you realised. When something was playing on his mind, he needed to have something to fiddle with. Whether that be a deck of cards, the lapel of his jacket, the clasp of his cloak or the triggers on his gear. 

You gently took the deck from his hands, placing down on the short table between the two leather couches. He refused to look at you, and you knew then he was thinking about what happened today. Glancing up at Gunther, and it was obvious he, too, was reliving it.

“Guys, I’m fine. I’m alive, and we’re all safe. We don’t need to dwell on it. Please.” None of them responded to you for a moment, opting instead to sit in silence, until Eld took his hand from yours.

“You’re too trigger-happy with your life. I– None of us would cope very well if you’d died out there today, and I’ll bet you anything Captain Levi thinks the same. We just–”

“Stop being fucking stupid and sacrificing yourself to save us.” You looked up to Petra, who had a scowl on her face. Gunther and Oluo exchanged glances, and you knew they were thinking the same. Your face fell. How were you supposed to do that? You would do anything for these four people, and your protective tendencies don’t just extend to the people in this room. Hange, Nanaba, Nifa, Miche, Moblit… all of them. Even Erwin, when he poked his toupé out his office. And, of course, Levi. You would both fight and die for him happily. You didn’t want to stop doing that. Why would you?

“It’s kinda selfish, ya know?” 

Your heart cracked as you turned your head back to the blonde beside you. You never thought he was capable of saying something so harsh… “Eld?”

“It is. None of us want to wind up dead, but that pales in comparison to having someone sacrifice themselves for us. We know you’ve always done it, considered your life worth less than the rest of ours but, please. Stop.” You clenched your fists as he looked at you with utter melancholic desperation. You glanced to see your squad-mates all looking at you with the same expression. Pausing in thought, you considered their point of view. If someone were to do that for you, if any of them were to do that for you…

If Levi was to do that for you…

You’d never forgive him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I just–”

“We know. Don’t worry, we know.” Eld took your hand back, before abandoning that all together and encasing your shoulders in his arms. Your comrades took that as their cue, and one by one came and joined the embrace, Petra tugging on a strand of your hair before completing the small group hug. Until the stench of egg permeated the air, and you all quickly separated, coughing and retching. You bolted for the window.

“Fuck’s sake Gunther, we couldn’t have a nice moment for five fucking minutes?” Petra reprimanded, covering her nose and mouth with her jacket. 

You burst open the window, gulping down as much fresh evening air as you could before you turned back to the room. Petra with her jacket hiding half her face, Oluo waving his cravat around like he could somehow clear the air around him. Gunther sitting back comfortably on the couch, feet kicked up on the small coffee table, grinning from ear to ear. And Eld, who seemed to be looking at you with a soft smile. 

“You alright?” He mouthed, cautious of the others in the room who may be watching. You smiled, thinking for a moment, before nodding. 

“Yeah, now I am.” It seemed good enough for him, dipping his head in confirmation just as the door swung open. Everyone stopped what they were doing, frozen to the spot. Oluo’s whirling cravat fell limp in his hand, softly hitting the side of his head from where he was swinging it above him. You all met eyes with the group on the other side of the door, who all looked a little dishevelled. Hange, eyes bright and glasses askew. Moblit, who looked as worried as ever. Nanaba and Nifa, with matching expressions of bafflement. And Miche, who was scrunching his nose, clearly able to smell what had just happened. 

“Do we even want to know?” Nanaba asked, arms folded across her chest.

“Gunther shit himself.” Eld responded casually, earning himself a bark of laughter from you, and an indignant snort from the culprit himself.

“Oh. Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Everyone in a circle on the floor. Eld, snatch that deck of cards for us would you?” Hange produced two bottles of whiskey from behind their back, Miche, Moblit and Nifa carrying a few glasses each. 

Eld snatched up your glasses, the deck and the remaining bottle of whiskey from the table, before settling down next to you on the floor, handing over your glass and the deck. “You’re better at shuffling and dealing than I am.” 

You shrugged, flitting the cards about in your hands so they wouldn’t be in order. You all knew exactly what to expect within the next couple of hours. Strip poker always played out the same way. Miche was the first one shirtless, Nanaba would spend the rest of the game ogling at him. Petra and Oluo would fall into some kind of domestic argument over whether the girls could use their bras as separate items of clothing, she always won. Moblit would refuse to look up from the ground, too embarrassed by the lack of clothes, Nifa would be the same. Hange tended to boast loud and proud about how good they were, and then instantly lose all items of clothing on their body, and Gunther would be the only one to insist on wearing everything he won. Including bras, which usually resulted in hilarity. 

Miche had just, predictably, lost his shirt to Petra, when the door swung open again. The entire room stopped to look up, and you twisted around. 

Your face lit up. 

Levi stood in the doorway, carefully surveying the circle on the floor, before making a mental decision nobody was privy to.

But to your collective surprise, he walked in, and sat down opposite you. You couldn’t help but smile, warmed by the idea that he’d done this for you. He was taking a break, finally, and spending time with the group. And the group looked utterly bewildered. All except you.

“So? How do you play?” 

Your smile broke into a stupid grin. “You’ve never played poker?”

“Yes, but most of the time, clothes stayed on,”

“Most of the time?”

Levi threw you a wry look, but you could see that little smirk of his. “Just explain the damn rules.”

You snickered, unaware of the stunned looks the circle was giving you. “It’s just like Krolva Hold’em. The blind makes a bet without looking at their cards, but with clothing rather than chips or money. So, usually it’s a sock or a shoe at first. Everyone then looks at their cards and decides whether they want to be in or out, depending on the flop. After a few rounds, whoever comes out on top gets the clothes and can put them on if they want. First one naked loses.” Levi glanced at everyone in the circle individually. Miche, it seemed, was terrible at this game. “So, you in or out, Captain?” There was a hopeful challenge in your gaze, and even if Levi could say no to you, he wouldn’t have. Not when you were basically daring him to.

“Fine. Deal me in.” 

Oh your smile was worth all the clothes he was about to lose. Worth the shit-eating grin from Hange, the suspicious squint from Miche. Worth the look of horrified realisation from Petra and Nanaba as you redealt everyone two cards, now with eleven players. And he was glad you were too preoccupied with dealing to see him mouth a spiteful “fuck off” to Hange and Nifa’s shared knowing look. 

Placing the rest of the deck back in the middle, you drew out three cards and placed them face up. “Alright, who’s the blind this round?”

“Oh shit, me. Uh, one shoe I guess.” Moblit raised his glass, only possessing his left shoe. His right was now awkwardly hanging off Petra’s leg, who was also wearing Miche’s shirt and Hange’s jacket. 

Everyone looked at their cards, and a silence blanketed the group. If anyone walked in, the circle would have easily been mistaken for a seance. Each player carefully calculated whether the hand was worth losing pants over. Especially Miche. Your eyes raised expectantly to Levi, who’d just remembered he was extremely competitive at this game when he used to play back in The Underground. Reading people’s nervous ticks was easy, but he had a feeling you might be able to hide yours quite well. 

“Two shoes.” He raised. Moblit groaned in anguish, knowing he would be giving up a sock if he were to continue. Miche, Nanaba and Petra all called, staying on two shoes. A bit boring, if anyone were to ask you. You glanced down at the ace and queen in your hand, your confidence bursting. You’d already won, you knew you had. The flop had turned in your favour: a king, another ace, and a jack. You already had a pair, now you were waiting for a ten. 

“Two shoes and a shirt.” You smirked, holding Levi’s scrutinising gaze. He could search all he wanted, he wasn’t going to find anything. You had never lost this game for a reason.

“Yeah no fuck that, I’m out.” Eld placed his hand face down on the floor, followed by Gunther and Nifa. Hange, of course, stuck with your bid, and another card was drawn. 

Your heart dropped at the sight of a second jack, and though it lessened the likelihood of anyone else going for the Royal Flush, that still left too much probability of other winning hands for your liking. One you would rather squash than go up against.

Levi’s mind raced as Moblit, too, folded. The jack in his hand laughed at him, a grinning visage to his own uncertainty. Three of a kind was pretty ideal if he was being honest, but you held yourself with such stony confidence that it was knocking his. Your innocent smile did nothing to help order his thoughts. Either he’d already lost, or you were bluffing. He’d recently seen how easily you could lie, and how you made it look ridiculously convincing. So he took a chance.

“Two shoes, a shirt and a cravat.” 

You gaped, folding your arms with a laugh of disbelief. “That’s such bullshit! Nobody else even wears a cravat except Oluo!”

“Guess you shoulda worn more clothes then.”

“You seem confident in yourself.”

“I’m always confident in myself.”

“Then this will be a good lesson for you to learn.” You smirked, bending your leg to rest your forearm on your knee, swirling your whiskey in your hand. Once again the group had fallen into silent awe at another feisty exchange between you, Hange’s shit-eating grin only eating more shit as they watched. 

“Well, I don’t have a shirt, nor any shoes so I’m gonna fold…” Miche placed his hand down on the floor, Nanaba and Petra following suit. 

Your eyes narrowed, half tempted to bet pants as well, but you decided to be nice. This was his first game with the group after all. 

“Raise you a jacket.” You grinned.

Nifa and Hange too folded, but you had a sneaking suspicion it was because they wanted to watch you and Levi go up against each other. Since now you were the only two still in play.

You placed your cards face up on the ground, earning whistles and hisses from the circle. Two pairs, one away from Royal Flush. No wonder you were confident.

 A confidence that was immediately crushed by the three of a kind in Levi’s hand. You blanched, inwardly cursing yourself for being so cocky. 

“You can still fold.” Levi smirked condescendingly, making sure there was absolutely no way you were about to fold. Scoffing tightly, you leaned forward to turn the fifth and final card. 

Having both checked your heart was in your throat. This was it, if the next card you turned over wasn’t a ten, you’d lost, and you would never hear the end of it. The tension in the room was so thick it was like breathing soup. Buzzing anticipation almost made your hair static as your fingers rested on the top of the next card.

You held your breath and pulled it off, flipping it and placing your fate in the river.

Levi swore viciously.

You released your held breath as a striking red ten of hearts announced your victory. A Royal Flush versus a three of a kind. You knew this round would be talked about for weeks after tonight. All the tension in your body drained away, and you finally had the mind to savour your victory, Levi now wallowing in a crushing defeat.

“What was it? Two shoes, a shirt, your cravat and a jacket?” You teased lightly, cackling like an animal as Levi flipped you off. But you could see there was no venom in his gaze. In fact there was no indication he was irritated at all. Rather, all you could see was relaxed enjoyment. He was enjoying himself.

Holy fuck, Levi was enjoying himself, even as he threw his jacket across the circle at you, followed by his two boots. You raised your eyebrows expectantly as he unbuttoned his shirt, loosening his cravat from around his neck. He tried to ignore your shameless staring as more of his body was revealed, and holy fuck he was so much hotter than you’d ever imagined.

Not that you’d imagined it. No, that would be extremely unprofessional.  

Levi went to tug the shirt from his shoulders, cravat hanging loose around his neck, when you suddenly stopped him. “Look, since it’s your first game with us, I’ll be merciful toward you,” he would have thanked you there and then, had your gaze not sparkled with dangerous mischief. “You can keep the cravat on.”

As evening faded to night, the rounds played out like you would have imagined. Levi managed to win back some of his clothes, though you kept his jacket throughout the rest of the game, having abandoned your own beside you. It smelt too nice to let go. But he managed to reclaim his shirt and boots, and acquired Hange’s glasses, Oluo’s cravat, Moblit’s shirt and pants, and your hoodie, which he instantly pulled on. He would never admit to himself how disappointed he was to see you wearing a thin vest underneath. 

You, on the other hand, were borderline drowning in fabric. You now wore the shirts of Gunther, Nanaba and Eld, you’d laid Nifa’s jacket over your head because you couldn’t fit it over the other three layers and Levi’s jacket, though you were wearing two odd socks and were shoeless, those having been stolen from you by Hange who wore them on their hands, and Eld, who’d stretched your socks over his boots. 

“Miche, stop betting, you absolute madman. You don’t have any clothes on!” You laughed as he strategically placed his one remaining sock over his junk, which left nothing to the imagination, to Nanaba’s horny delight. You shook your head in disbelief as she kept adjusting how she was sitting. Disgusting girl. 

Only three people were still in: Miche, Levi and Gunther. Predictably, Levi won again.

“I don’t want that…” He scrunched his nose in disgust as Miche gestured down to his crotch for Levi to take his last remaining sock from his dick. Something that was not-so-politely declined. 

“If you’re not gonna take it, I’m technically still in the game.” Hange snorted a laugh at Miche’s reasoning, nodding their head in agreement, their boot-clad arms waving around wildly. You were glad you took away their already chipped glass before they smashed it completely..

“No, Miche, you’re not. Which concludes tonight’s game. Congrats Petra!” the group swivelled to where Petra had meticulously balanced the contents of everyone’s closets on her body. Several socks, jackets, shirts, hairpins, and pants fitting neatly over her, her face still visible from a shroud of fabric. She looked like some far away deity, adorned with offerings. 

Usually, at the end of these nights, everyone just went back to their rooms and exchanged clothes in the morning, when hangovers were strong and vomit was pungent. But Nifa and Petra seemed nice enough to throw Miche’s clothes back at him, and Levi handed Moblit’s shirts and pants back. You gave clothes back to those who asked for them, but when you were left cleaning the glasses of the sticky whiskey, you were still wearing one of Miche’s giant socks, and Nanaba’s shirt.

Oh. And Levi’s jacket… which you couldn’t bring yourself to offer it back. You swore it was more comfortable than your own. 

You’d been too preoccupied with your thoughts of the night’s events to realise you were washing the glass Hange had chipped. Until the sharp edge sliced cleanly through the palm of your hand. You jerked back, hissing inaudibly at the small wound. A small line of crimson had beaded across the fat of your palm, which you did nothing but glance at before you shook the pain off. It would fade in a minute. 

You kept shaking your hand, until it was caught mid-air. A strong hold encasing your wrist had you whipping your head to the left. You hadn’t even noticed anyone else had stayed behind, let alone had been watching you.

But he hadn’t. Levi hadn’t been watching you. Sure, he noticed you went to clean up all the discarded glasses, and he’d gone to get a mop for the spilt amber on the wooden floor. But the truth was, he’d been cleaning it up when the slightest jolt of pain struck his hand. His palm, to be exact.

“Let me look.” 

You hadn’t realised you’d closed your fist to hide it, though the scrunch of skin bit into the fresh wound. You couldn’t even refuse, compelled by something in his gaze to open your hand and let him look at where you’d managed to hurt yourself. You winced slightly as he softly grazed his thumb across the slice, before adjusting the faucet and checking the temperature of the water. When he guided your hand beneath the water flow, it was no longer hot, but rather lukewarm. Soothing, even. You couldn’t tear your eyes from the concentration on his face as he cleaned your cut, looking around before settling on a paper towel to stifle the bleeding with. It wasn’t a bandage, but it would do. 

But even after he’d finished, his warm hold on your wrist didn’t loosen.

“Thank you.” You murmured, looking down to realise he was still wearing your jumper, just with the sleeves rolled up. He’d had the option to exchange it back for his shirt during the game. 

He hadn’t. 

Levi regarded you for a moment, no longer holding your arm up by the kitchen basin, but rather now down by your side. He didn’t know what compelled him to do so, but one moment his other hand was idle, the next he was gently playing with a strand of your hair. 

“Who knew you were such a little demon?” 

Your soft smile broadened into something a little more bashful. You’d always been good at games like poker, where strategy and probability were key. The breath of your laugh tickled his skin, and it was then did Levi notice how close you’d become.

“What can I say? Just the luck of the draw.” You replied, mimicking the tonal shift of the night. Your heart stuttered in your chest, and you hoped he couldn’t feel your palm start to sweat from where he was holding your wrist. 

Levi’s impulse returned. His screaming instinct to kiss you thrashed in his mind. He wanted to hold you, and not just your hand, you. He wanted to feel your heartbeat again, like he had this morning. Fuck he wanted to taste you, wanted to breathe the same air as you, think the same thoughts as you. 

“What did you see? Today In the tent. You asked if I had seen something too. What did you see?” He managed to keep himself steady, thumb drawing smooth caresses on the inside of your wrist, silently gauging your reaction. If you started to hurt in any way, he would change the subject. But something was happening. Something was happening between you two, and he wanted to try and work it out. He assumed normal couples didn’t feel each other’s fucking wounds for crying out loud.

Not that you were a couple. Not even dating. 

You paused for a second, contemplating your answer. You wanted to sweeten the blow, maybe even tell a little white lie and say you just relived the moment he saved you. But lying to Levi had become almost impossible lately, so in typical soldier fashion, you kept it blunt.

“My death. I relived what happened, only you didn’t come. I was watching myself die, and I seemed okay with it,” – you paused, quickly scanning his thinly veiled expression of horror – “I’m less okay with it now. Much less okay. Sort of had a reality check by the squad. Yourself included.” You watched as his features relaxed, no longer holding the tension you so hated. Shit, he was looking at you the same way he did last night, only this time you could distinguish the reflection of flickering candle light from the seemingly bioluminescent glow in his eyes, only exaggerated by the darker shades beneath them.

Levi sighed gently, his suspicion now confirmed. “I saw the same thing.” His confession had your eyes widen slightly, looking away to comprehend what he just said.

“Levi… how did you know I needed help? How did you get to me so quickly?” You asked quietly. A secret question only for you and him. 

“I saw it. I saw you. I think… I think it was before anything had even happened. When I got there, I’d already seen what was happening, and what was going to happen. And I saw it again, an hour later. Exactly what you just described. I saw what would have happened if I hadn’t made it.”

“What does this mean…?”

Levi stayed silent for what felt like years. Honestly, he didn’t know what it meant. He had absolutely no idea what the fuck was going on. He assumed it was most likely something to do with his blood, but he couldn’t truthfully tell you, because he didn’t know.

So you saved him the stress of answering by asking something else. “Will you sleep tonight?” 

He couldn’t bear the concern on your face. He couldn’t bear the worry you held for him. He wanted to tell you to stop, to stop worrying so much about him. But he could never find it in himself to ask something like that of you. “Yeah. I’ll try.”

You didn’t look convinced. “Try harder. Anything less than an hour and I’ll bribe Hange to leave their festering experiments on your desk.” 

Levi huffed in amusement, his lips pulling into a slight smile despite his best efforts. Which, in hindsight, weren’t very good anyway. His efforts never were when it came to hiding things from you.

“Sounds like insubordination to me.” 

You chuckled lightly, and the sound ignited every nerve in his body. “Mm? What you gonna do? Throw me in a cell?”

“It’s tempting.”

You mock gasped, earning yourself a swift flick to your forehead. Something you also overreacted to by dramatically rubbing the microscopic hurt, before you fell into a charged, yet comfortable silence. One you used to memorise the features of his face, how they shifted and bent with each expression, how they pinched and relaxed when he spoke. You found yourself mesmerised. 

Levi had to do something. Had to say something, anything, or else he was going to kiss you. And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t fuck up a relationship he’d only just managed to salvage. If you were even open to it. He didn’t even know if anything you did was meant in a romantic sense, or just a close friend kind of thing. But he was drawn in by your gaze, by your head subtly tilting to the side, eyes flitting over your face, down to your lips. 

“That’s my jacket.” Relationship saved.

Moment ruined.

You drew back, broken from your transfixed state to look down at yourself, using the diversion to mentally bash your head into a brick wall. What the fuck were you thinking? Trying to kiss him? The fuck was wrong with you? You tried not to let the blatant rejection get to you too much. Maybe he just wasn’t ready for that yet, and the way he hadn’t pulled away still set your heart ablaze.

“That’s my hoodie.” You quipped back, raising a brow of challenge. Levi was quick to realise this was one of his favourite expressions of yours. 

He debated taking the jumper off and returning it to you in exchange for his jacket, but he had a spare one. 

No-one would know…

You were expecting him to ask for it back, especially when his hands moved to grasp the lapels. Though when he did nothing but straighten it slightly and tug it down on your shoulders, you had to bite your lip not to beam at him. 

“Keep it. It looks better on you.” Though it made no sense, since all jackets were identical, you understood. It was just an excuse to give it to you. Or an excuse to keep your hoodie. You were extremely content with both reasons.

As was Levi, who fell into bed later that night comforted by a blanket of your scent.

[thevindicativevordan]

DC Fandome 2021

Finally arrived! My thoughts:

Disappointed that there was no real news on S2 of Superman & Lois but I get that they've only just started filming. Hope we get news soon.

Holy shit we're finally getting another animated Green Lantern movie? I'm assuming that will be set in the Tomorrowverse shared continuity they established and John Stewart will be the main protagonist. That's fine with me, wonder how much longer until we get a JL movie set in the Tomorrowverse however?

Super-Sons is finally getting a movie! Jon's making waves and hopefully Damian will be less insufferable here than he's been everywhere else outside of comics

Still can't see Ezra as Barry, and holy shit wearing a choker really? Really hoping the Internet forgot about the video huh. I am getting more and more interested in checking the Flash movie out for Keaton Batman. Surprised to see Sasha Supergirl in the promo this early, guess she'll have a big role to play

Speaking of Batman, holy shit does The Batman look good! Seeing a lot of people compare it to Nolan and that's definitely part of the DNA, but it's also clearly less obsessed with realism than Nolan was. Odd that my most anticipated DC movie is a Batman movie considering how fatigued I am of him everywhere else but at least Batman is the one DC IP they don't usually fuck up.

Martians and magic for the focus of S4? I'm ready for the return of a more pissed off and violent Conner. Can he please get a new fucking outfit? It's not even tacticool, just basic and boring. Theorized that the "Phantoms" title referred to the season being connected to the Phantom Zone in some way, but I wonder if instead it is related to the Martians. Maybe there will be a White Martian Invasion in S4? Animation looks ok but still choppy, and the trailer voiceover was awful, no clue what they were thinking there.

Speaking of animation, My Adventures With Superman looks soooo fucking good! Think this is going to be the best Superman product we will get this decade besides S&L. Know it's too early to be saying that but the concept art of the trio looks so goddamn good, and that small promo image of Lois and Jimmy rushing to Clark has me excited! Can't wait for a proper trailer, really excited to see their take on Metropolis. Doesn't look like they're going retrofuture with the aesthetic. Sucks it got pushed back to 2023 but at least that will be a good fit for Superman's 85th

Meanwhile the more popular sibling show, The Caped Crusader fills me with equal parts fear and interest. Timm "without restrictions" is going to be either amazing or godawful. What new crack ship will he unleash upon us I wonder? Happy to hear there won't be any other heroes in TCC, keep Timm the fuck away from Superman and Wonder Woman please.

Speaking of WW, this is her 80th and she's getting jack shit for it. No WW: TAS, no video game, not even an animated movie. Piss poor showing from DC there. Least she's getting her first event since Amazons Attack! (no I don't give a shit that Snyder hyped Death Metal up as a WW event, that was bullshit) in Trial of the Amazons. Hope it's good! Still a really lousy showing for Wondy at this Fandome

Gotham Knights and Suicide Squad got trailers!... with no gameplay. Still don't really care about either but I do think I'll get Knights to play as Nightwing so I can enjoy a media product with him in it where he's not completely incompetent. None of the humor for SS landed for me and I really, really fucking hate Harley at this point. Expecting Batman to show up and save the day with the Squad because how else would this plot end? Will he also end up saving the day in Knights after he escapes the Court or shakes off the brainwashing (come on you don't REALLY think he's dead do you?) is the real question mark.

Happy Yang has another DC project coming, sad it's not Superman related

Glad to hear all the Milestone books are getting another season, I'm only reading Static and Icon & Rocket right now. Really happy to hear there is an animated movie coming! McDuffie's creations deserve to reach a wider audience and Brandon Thomas writing the script should mean it's written well

Aquaman, Shazam 2, and Black Adam all look solid

Krypto looks fun! Hope it's good, Bolt was one of my favorite animated movies as a kid, so Superman meets Bolt is right up my alley.

New motto for Clark as well as Jon! May go more in-depth with my thoughts about this later but the short version is I like it.

Lol at Titans getting renewed, that show will never die, your hatred only strengthens it

All in all I'd give it a 7/10. Was fine but aside from The Batman nothing really blew me away. Kinda wish they had spent more time talking about the comics, this was the biggest audience they ever could have gotten, why not talk a bit more about what they have planned for Flash, Superman, the JL, etc? Least they did hype up a WW event, but I think they could have done more honestly.

[davidmann95]

Is that Solaris I see on the cover of Superman/WW Future State? He returns! I am suddenly interested in Future State.

Anonymous said: So, Future State? Not gonna lie, at the very least I'm liking the artist line up. Also, Idk about you, but the designs for Diana and Yara Flor (the Wonder Woman from the Amazon) are the only ones that I'm really liking so far.

Anonymous said: FUUUUUUTUUUUUUURRRRE. state

Anonymous said: Thoughts on DC Future State?

Anonymous said: Thoughts on Future State?

Anonymous said: You’ve probably been asked already but thoughts on Future State?

Anonymous said: So... Future State just kind of showed up and is very mixed.

Anonymous said: Future State Superman has a heroic cop battling a villainous anarchist. Topical.

Anonymous said: On Dc future state announcements???

Anonymous said:So. Future State's been officially revealed. Your thoughts?

‘Future State’ this, ‘Future State’ that! Look, what’re you gonna believe, Jim Lee or your lying eyes?

So this looks...pretty good? Infinitely better than their previous filler stuff like Zero Month/Villains Month/Future’s End/Convergence. And given Jo Mullein is part of this, Bendis isn’t doing these Superman issues, Steve Orlando mentioned on Twitter that he was told to set aspects of this up in Wonder Woman rather than it being allowed to appear apropos of nothing like most of these, and this isn’t built around a *single* all-encompassing tone or hook - along with getting Dan damn Mora to do your main promo images and a bunch of the character designs - I do believe the plan is that this is still going to lead into new ongoing series, just all the last couple of those crossovers I mentioned did. That’s probably where we’ll see Bendis doing Jon, the Zdarsky/Fraction thing, I expect more of Ridley Batman, and maybe one or two others. In any case, nice to see a bunch of fresh talent in the mix and a more diverse lineup both on and off the page, and a lot of these concepts are neat, even if there are as always some turds in the punch bowl. The anthology model being carried forward from the Walmart titles definitely heralds more of the same, whether in the main line or for a continuation of this. And as for the books themselves, I’m gonna take my reactions one by one.

The Next Batman: Obviously I’m down for this.

Dark Detective: Bruce having a specifically defined new role (as do most of the rest of the old guard) is a smart move for making this sustainable. Tamaki’s let me down recently, but Mora, and also if this follows up on Detective #1027 we might see the Black Casebook. Backups definitely look tepid though. I’m probably gonna hold off on making a call until there’s a preview.

Harley Quinn: Pass.

Robin Eternal: ehhhhhhhh

Catwoman: Oh hell yes, V/Schmidt doing a heist.

Nightwing: Nicola Scott doing Nightwing! Andrew Scott wrote a decent little Wonder Woman/Metal Men teamup story in one of the recent anthologies, so I’m up for this.

Batman/Superman: YES. This seems to be a bit of a prequel thing, but who cares, it’s Yang/Oliver doing World’s Finest.

Superman of Metropolis: I’ve only heard of Sean Lewis doing a few indie horror books, but of course I’m curious about the Jon-as-Superman book and the groundwork I expect it lays. His costume works for me, fitting that ‘sleek and futurey’ mandate without actually rocking the boat too much (and its differentiation is a lot more tolerable with Clark still rocking the cape and trunks), and the premise is really interesting - not surprising, as editor Jamie Rich says many of the ideas for the Superman books came from conversations with Grant Morrison. Which is probably why we’re seeing so much Seven Soldiers and DC One Million stuff in here, although bringing back Manhattan Guardian, given his background, and this premise, for this moment, is questionable at best.

Superman vs. Imperious Lex: This is probably going to be the best thing to come out of this whole shebang.

Superman: Worlds of War: Privately I called that Clark would be rocking the Kingdom Come getup in here (with the belt buckle from Man of Tomorrow for some reason?). I did NOT call that he would literally have the God of War sword. I’d be skeptical at best, but PKJ and Rich have both assured they’re not doing a Dark Superman thing with this, and hot damn, Midnighter backup by Becky Cloonan!

Superman/Wonder Woman: I think this is going to turn out to be one of the biggest gems of this entire enterprise. Dan Watters did an absolutely phenomenal short story for the last Batman: Secret Files, and it’s a big teamup against Solaris!

Kara Zor-El, Superwoman: The Bombshells team reunited! Here for it.

Justice League: God, this might be really good or it might be the biggest disappointment of the bunch. Just at the sight of that I want that to be the Justice League from now on, that is an all-timer iconic cover and set of designs to introduce a group of characters, the concept’s really good, and Flash being from another universe is so cool...and the actual book is Williamson/Rocha. Rocha’s a steady hand I trust well enough, but clearly this is where Mora should have been, and you’re really leaving this to Williamson? He has done good comics, but not many. I can only hope he’s basically a placeholder setting up the status quo for a Future State Justice League imprint book same as I think PKJ and Lewis are setting up whatever Bendis is going to do later. Still, I’m not writing this off entirely, Williamson has still done some good comics and this might well be as enjoyable a two-parter as it should be. And in any case, Ram V doing future stuff with the magic characters is a win.

Aquaman: I was going to say no thanks, but the premise is a little interesting, Daniel Sampere is a good hand, and I haven’t seen Brandon Thomas’s work before but at a glance he seems to have tried some ambitious sci-fi work at Image. I’ll call this a maybe.

The Flash: Hahaha, now we’re in the shit of it. Literally there is nothing about this that would indicate it was set in the future if not for the title, a flat regurgitation of the most tired old bullshit, and it’s by a Young Justice writer to boot. Glad to know even in the future the regular Flash book is going to suck.

Teen Titans: Speaking of books we can be assured will always suck

Shazam!: Who could possibly care

Green Lantern: This one I kinda don’t blame for being nothing, Far Sector is the big Green Lantern thing in this period and they’re not gonna fuck with that so they gotta work around the fringes. Hardly sympathetic enough to get me to buy it though.

Suicide Squad: Okay, alt-Earth Flash rules, but you come up with a disabled Flash with a heavily redesigned but still recognizable and extremely rad new look - looking every inch the “Far Sector but for Flash” premise I’ve been calling for - and you put her in this nonsense? And you waste Javier Fernandez here too? I guess Robbie Thompson is passable from what I’ve seen and maybe the whole Earth 3 thing will result in this turning out alright after all, but this feels like a waste, and that’s before you get to the one story here set in the 853rd century being about Black Adam.

Immortal Wonder Woman: Oh shit this one’s gonna rule though.

Legion of Superheroes: So’s this one!

Swamp Thing: This will be excellent too but I don’t care about Swamp Thing.

Wonder Woman: I’m seeing some immediate division on Wonder Woman - some like her new costume and some hate it (I think it’s really busy but like it a lot with the blues highlighted when Mora draws it), and I understand some have problems with a Brazilian Wonder Woman rooted entirely in Greek mythology rather than any sort of indigenous religion (which I am not remotely qualified to weigh in on). I’ll hope for the best, and obviously it’ll be very pretty, but I wasn’t blown away by Jones’ writing when I tried her Catwoman book, and I hope she won’t fall flat on her face regarding representation.

I’d divide this up into

* Basically no chance in hell: Harley Quinn, The Flash, Teen Titans, Shazam!, Green Lantern

* I’d need to hear good word of mouth: Dark Detective, Robins Eternal, Aquaman, Suicide Squad

* Fingers crossed, getting it but it could go either way: Superman of Metropolis, Justice League, Wonder Woman

* Yeah, I’ll grab this one, looks fun: Nightwing, Superman: Worlds of War, Kara Zor-El: Superwoman

* This is going to be really good: The Next Batman, Catwoman, Batman/Superman, Superman vs. Imperious Lex, Superman/Wonder Woman, Immortal Wonder Woman, Legion of Superheroes, and though I’m skipping it, Swamp Thing

A pretty incredible preliminary hit-miss ratio, and along with all I said before, big shoutout to Darran Robinson for across-the-board incredible logo design work. Like the Superman books mixing Morrison and Bendis, Batman is hyper-topical with a black Batman fighting super-cops who hate resistors in masks (whole Bruce can still be part of the fight but has to reckon with not being the guy in front throwing money around and setting terms anymore), Wonder Woman goes for the obvious pun, and JL feels appropriately iconic, while the rest is hit-or-miss as not central to further plans with this setting. I had zero expectations of this as anything other than Future’s End 2.0 with a couple leading into the not-5G imprint, but while I think that’s still the same basic endgame, for the most part it feels like they’re really trying with this one and I’ve got a good feeling about it.

[goose-books]

(original image credit to @/theyshane on unsplash)

a month or so ago the wonderful and very sharp-fanged @yvesdot said i should make a post about the process of Working On A Podcast - what, exactly, does that entail? and so today i set down upon your table a long post about the process of this podcast, its unique struggles, and What Comes Next!

for those of you who are new here: a modern tragedy is my podcast-in-progress, a loose retelling of three of shakespeare’s plays (romeo&juliet, hamlet, and macbeth) set in a modern-day high school. or, alternatively, “so so much drama localized inside a few overlapping friend groups of gay* people”

post under the cut!

tag list (ask me to be added/removed): @piyawrites @harehearts @bisexualorlando @guulabjamuns

*well. gay people and indrajit “macbitch” chopra. never let it be said i don’t have cishet rep 😤

what i mean when i say “podcast”

sometimes when i say, “i’m writing a podcast,” people get the wrong idea - they think i’m going to sit down, maybe with some friends as guest stars, and talk into a microphone for an hour. what i really mean is that i’m writing a fiction podcast - something like an audio drama, if you will.

i’ve had this story concept for a long time (since i realized i was gay, actually. sometime around my coming out i was like “...sapphic romeo and juliet. oh i’m a genius”), but it never really worked as a novel. my inspiration for making it a podcast was the penumbra podcast! which i am not caught up on but which dragged me shirt-collar-first into the world of podcasts. [blowing a kiss to mars] for juno steel.

i will admit that i actually... haven’t listened to a ton of podcasts. mostly because my incredibly helpful attention-deficit brain said listening to things is impossible forever. but let me tell you that starting to write AMT in script format worked immediately. and in hindsight? it makes sense. i mean, i am retelling some of the most famous plays of all time... why not get a little theatrical with it?

the process so far

the podcast is drafted! all 16 episodes of it. all... 176k words of it... only took me a year and a half...

i have my main cast together! AMT has a lot of side characters, not all of whom are cast yet, but my main recurring squad is gathered and i love them all VERY dearly. (also, the population of people i know irl is 75% theater kid. so i think i will be able to figure out the side character thing.)

within the group of voice actors, i also have three assistant directors, a term i use loosely because mostly i just mean… those are my right hand men. the main folks i bounce ideas off of and the main folks i have helping me organize all of this. i’ve said multiple times that i’m just the keyboard monkey and would be hopelessly out of my depth without my beloved assdirectors. (shoutout to @asimpleram, the only one who uses tumblr, you are my best friend and i love you oh so much)

i also have two “bootydirectors” who gave themselves that name and that’s just the people who know the most about recording technology and acting. thanks kings

right now the scripts have been sent out to some sensitivity readers and i am currently editing! (both with regards to sensitivity reader feedback, and also just editing the plot and character arcs in general.) (if you want me to send you AMT and you’re willing to give me your thoughts i will straight-up send it to you honestly just know it’s LONG)

i actually did not consider that writing this might be uniquely hard before i started

fun max tip: if you look too far ahead down the road and realize the breadth of the project you’re taking on you’ll freak yourself out so just dive into things headfirst without checking both ways or considering your actions!!! [i am giving you a double thumbs up from behind my monitor]

i have never written anything like AMT before! it has been an experience! there have been some unique struggles!

working with other people is harder than i expected! which is not about my group, all of whom are lovely people. it is about me and my little OCD rat brain that hates letting go of control. even though... an inherent part of writing a script... is that at some point other people will be involved... wild, i know.

9 main characters! AMT has 9 main characters. this is somewhat excusable because the whole thing is episodic and more like a season of a tv show than a novel. but still. 9 main characters. why did i do that

i’ve never written episodically before, so i’ve had to figure out how to fit the plot into appropriately spaced intervals. there are three running plotlines (one for each play), and they’re all parallel and eventually convergent. so everything’s happening at once and it’s… hard to make episodes that aren’t just “max threw a bunch of scenes together because they were happening at the same time.” (i will admit i’ve defaulted to chronological order when spacing episodes, so the timeline doesn’t get confusing. but i hope each episode is cohesive on its own.)

balancing the tragedy and comedy in tragicomedy has been… interesting. i do to some degree feel like AMT’s gone darker than i initially imagined it; while it’s a high school retelling of these plays (and thus there’s no. there’s no murder. the only person who dies is isaac’s dad and that’s six years precanon), all three plays deal to differing degrees with suicide, among other things, and it felt… disingenuous not to write about that from a modern high schooler’s perspective.

i can guarantee a long-term happy ending for AMT! i cannot guarantee much about what’s in the middle. (there are sixteen episodes; one of my directors likened episode 7 to a five-act play’s third act, when things really start to… hit the fan. he’s right and i’m obsessed with thinking about it that way)

the massive amount of time i have been working on the thing: i started writing this podcast in january 2019. i finished writing it this past summer (2020). that’s two summers that have passed without my recording it (which is obviously easier to organize in the summer… or it was before covid but you get my point). this is… a little disheartening? i don’t know; oftentimes i underestimate how long writing projects will take me. what it comes down to is my urge to put out content vs. my urge to make it perfect…

…especially since i’m technically competing with one william f. shakespeare. (the f is for fucking.) i mean, dear old billy shakes DID write the plot out for me ahead of time, which i appreciate, but still…

AMT is absolutely consumable if you don’t know the first goddamn thing about shakespeare’s works. that said. i assume some of the people who will listen to it are shakespeare enthusiasts, casual or otherwise, and that’s a little terrifying! AMT is a shakespeare retelling, but i’ve made these characters very much my own, and i suppose i worry about how others will approach that, and whether they will disagree with my interpretations, or the way i’ve adapted the plots, and so on and so forth... i just have to live with this one, honestly. i think i could edit AMT for a thousand years and probably still find something to change about it, so i will simply have to get over myself.

that said, i don’t regret the amount of time i’ve spent on it! i think the time i’ve taken to draft and edit these episodes has been well worth the wait; i’m genuinely very happy with what i’ve created, and whether or not you agree with, say, my interpretation of a modern hamlet family dynamic, i hope it’ll still be enjoyable!

so what’s next?

as i said earlier, the scripts are currently in the hands of sensitivity readers, and i’m editing!

over the summer, the cast met on zoom frequently to read through and rehearse scenes. and i will not lie it was the most fucking fun i’ve had this entire wretched interminable year. i am constantly charmed and befuddled by the feeling of Listening To My Words Read Out Loud By A Human Voice and also i love my friends so very much

we have a tentative plan to gather the cast (socially distanced and responsibly, of course) over thanksgiving break to make some actual stabs at recording! i am too afraid to concretely promise AMT Episode 1: Fortune’s Fool by the end of 2020 but like… i’m not NOT promising it! send me your finest vibes. we’re close.

[2ofswords]

Since I am so tired of reading „I know Dankovsky sucks and his ending is horrible“, before every comment that defends him, I will now throw myself into the fires of discourse and write an essay about:

Why The P1 Utopian ending does not mean Danko is an asshole

(A bit of swearing and a lot of spoilers under the cut)

Since I already spoke about being tired of disclaiming a lot, here are some of them. Firstly: This is NOT a comparison and I am definitely not saying, that his ending is better than the ending of the Haruspex or the Changeling. That would be ridiculous and I wholeheartedly belief that the other characters have morally better endings. (Though I will make one ending comparison at the end of this essay just to make myself even more of a hypocrite and there will be a comparison of one aspect of all three P1 endings, that is not made to compare their general quality but… well… this specific aspect of the ending.)

Also this essay isn‘t about Dankovsky not being an asshole. This is not a character analysis, I am only talking about the ending and his relationship regarding his path towards it. There are entirely different arguments to be made about his character that I will not talk about. Surprisingly a character is not only defined by the outcome of their story.

And last but not least the weirdest disclaimer of them all: While my arguments try to defend Dankovsky in his ending I totally understand if you still think his ending makes him more of an asshole. Killing a lot of people is always a dick move and the decision is still a horrible one. I do not really want to argue that people are wrong for judging him based of his ending. I just want to explain, why we also do not have to feel ashamed for deciding to not judge him as a complete asshole based on the main outcome of his route and why his motivation isn’t only based on spite or even ruthless calculation. Also, I think that there is a lot to say about his decision, that isn’t really said and that these are interesting aspects. Sorry to say it, but I just wanted to have a catchy title. I just really love this ending and it’s complexity and wanted to discuss it aside of calling it the evil Danko ending.

So. Let’s start with the easy argument that some people are talking about.

Argument 1: Danko completely lost it and holding him accountable due to his rationality defies the point of his route.

This one is… one of the weaker arguments, but I will still elaborate on it. The entirety of his route is built upon loss and failure. While the Haruspex starts with a mob that wants to kill him and works his way up, the dynamic of his route is him seemingly starting on top of everything and slowly loosing his bearings and by the end of the story this man is already driven to madness. Being used as a pawn in politics, getting daily “fuck you”-letters from the Powers that Be, realizing your lives work is already destroyed and all of your colleagues are probably as doomed (and being the one responsible because he was their leader), realizing that Aglaya – who was the one person who seemed to be his ally at the end – used and betrayed him just like everyone else, having the one truly honestly kind person commit suicide at least partly because of his failures, witnessing his own helplessness against the plague (an enemy that should align with his expertise as a doctor), being hated from day one by almost everybody in town, realizing that the political allies are totally bonkers and also preparing to off themselves (Victor! You seemed moderately sane at the beginning. The betrayal!), getting almost beaten to death while trying to help the town while spending all these days in an hostile place that slips into chaos… yeah I think you really aren’t in the headspace for rational thought. It is a miracle that that guy hasn’t completely broken down and day eleven and to some extend day 9 and 10 are showing him as completely unhinged already, only leading up to a decision, that isn’t really made out of spite or coldness but rather desperation and blind tunnel vision. The day eleven mission involves him going on a rampage against a military squad because of a vague hint and he only checks after the killings, if Andrew is even there. That isn’t a calculated action it’s about a man being completely shattered and making everybody suffer because of that. (Which is also horrible, but an entirely different sort of tragedy.) By now he just shouldn’t be the one handling the situation at all but the local powers sure want to wash their hand of any guilt that they haven’t already attracted. Also – and more importantly – the Polyhedron literally is the one good thing happening to this man. After going into it on day 9 he thanks Khan for reminding him of a childhood he has forgotten! He has a shit week, he is completely beaten down (quite literally) and this is the one happy moment he finds in all this chaos. Clinging onto that is surely not rational, but it is human. We all know that the Bachelor has the tendency to survive on willpower alone and here clinging to the tower and its miracles is literally his only motivation to continue his route at all. Of course he is going to protect it at that point, if thinking about any other option bring nothing but utter misery and the acceptance of complete and utter failure. After all Dankovskys route is about the limits of his rational worldview and how it hinders him more that it serves him in a world, that isn’t defined by rational beliefs. Of course he will be out of it by the end and actually loosing his composure is an important part of his suffering and character development in the story. His ending is not a sign of rational thought but the last consequence of being enraptured in a web of circumstances that forbid him from making rational decisions in the first place.

Truth to be told, I don’t really like this as an argument. I love this thought as a peace of characterization. As much as I love his ending and the horrible consequences and the actual failure it imposes, when we look at the other playable characters. But it doesn’t really help us here. It doesn’t change the fact, that Dankovsky destroyed an entire town just for a dream, a man-made building, a promise of utopia that we never witness ourselves. He still destroyed so… so much! But… let’s look a bit deeper into the motivations behind that exchange.

Argument 2: The Trolley problem

“There is a runaway trolley barrelling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there are five people tied up and unable to move. The trolley is headed straight for them. You are standing some distance off in the train yard, next to a lever. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, you notice that there is one person on the side track. You have two options:

Do nothing and allow the trolley to kill the five people on the main track. Pull the lever, diverting the trolley onto the side track where it will kill one person. Which is the more ethical option? Or, more simply: What is the right thing to do?” (Wikipedia)

There is a variation to this question and interestingly enough it is one of the morality questions Aglaya asks in Pathologic 2: Would you push a man down a bridge, to save the children from a train? The curious thing is, that we can see all healers giving the same answer, (even if we have the choice to choose differently, since it is… you know… a dilemma). Necessary sacrifice is a constant of all three routes and every single protagonist has to kill in order to save a larger amount of people. Still, the game never answers moral choices with a simple answer and here with the Utopian ending we can see the darker side of this moral dilemma in full force (to a lesser extend this also applies to the Humble ending, since it also involves the Trolley problem, albeit on a smaller scale.) If we take the Kain’s studies about the focus and the soul seriously and see the Polyhedron as a method to ensure immortality seriously – or if we at least assume that Dankovsky wholeheartedly believes in that concept – than protecting the Polyhedron at the cost of the town suddenly becomes the Trolley problem at a significantly larger scale. The Polyhedron could ensure the survival of humankind but only at the expense of the town and it’s infected inhabitants. After all death is to Dankovsky but an affliction that can be healed just like the plague and consumes far more victims (if not all of them even if one would survive the disease). And that poses the question: When does the Trolley Dilemma stop working? What if there are two million people on the tracks and one million on the other side? What if there are hundred people on one and ninety nine on the other? What about five million vs. four million and nine hundred thousand? Can a human life be counted against the life of several others? If we look at the game itself and the healers answer in their daily life, it seems kind of simple: Yes, it is possible. The effort of saving is worth dirtying your hands after all. Risking at least your own life seems like a fair deal and no route really works without at least some degree of human sacrifice. But on this larger scale… it seems absurd. And… well… it is. But still. If we just try to empathise with the Bachelors mindset. If there is a possibility to cure humanity’s mortality… if there is a sliver of possibility (and since Thanatica is destroyed the Polyhedron seems like the only possibility at this point)… what kind of sacrifice is worth preserving it?

I myself have my own answer to that question. In Germany the Constitution starts with the sentence “Die Würde des Menschen ist unantastbar” or: “Human dignity shall be inviolable.” (This is the official translation though a more direct translation would be “Human dignity is inviolable” which is more of a statement and less of a law) Even if the effect of that sentence in politics is very debatable and it is incredibly vague and not really a usable sentence as a law… I really like it. The human rights as a concept as well as equality can be concluded from the fact, that human dignity is something that cannot – under any circumstance – been taken away and is always a thing that must be considered just by being human. It is… nice. And it also means, that a human being cannot be seen as a mere object and has its own agency. A human being is not quantifiable in their existence by any parameter, be it birth, skin colour, gender, sexuality, religion, interests, talent, job, body, etc… It is incredibly important… and incredibly interesting in our scenario. Because if life isn’t quantifiable at any circumstance… the Trolley Dilemma has a solution. There is no way to tell, if one life can outweigh several others and deciding over their lives is something and judge over the worth of their live is something one should never do. Thus Dankovsky’s choice to save the Polyhedron and outweigh the lives of the infected seems morally wrong.

But… is that the answer the game has? Well… the artbook of Pathologic 2 states that the design of the game is about enforcing ambiguity and I would argue that the first instalment is no different. Firstly: In times of crisis lives become quantifiable. That is part of the tragedy. The healers’ lives are suddenly worth preserving, while others appear as nameless numbers in a daily statistic and caring about the individual dignity seems impossible. As already said the act of killing in order to preserve life is almost mandatory in every single run. So, what about human dignity? Can it even be preserved under such a dilemma? (And there is probably a point to be made about everybody being dolls and thus not even a being with dignity and agency at all… but I digress) Especially doctors have to face this dilemma and they have to make these judgement calls, weather they like it or not. The game doesn’t answer it but makes different variations of the same dilemma that we may judge differently. The Utopian ending is one variation.

What I want to say is, that – if we take the Kains’ believes seriously and see the survival of miracles against the law of nature not only as progress but as a question about human mortality itself – the question if the Polyhedron is worth saving is a very different one. I personally think that the idea of the focus still feels too esoteric to be a real point of interest but on the other hand… it is not like we haven’t some proof when we visit Khan and listen to his testimony. It is not that this place is above it’s miracles, and we know that a lot of the mysticism is grounded in reality, be it by the very real ways of the Kin or the past existence of Simon. So only thinking of the polyhedron as an abstract concept is… well doing it a disservice if we take the other parts as serious. Yeah it is made out of it’s own idea but… you know being like “it cannot exist but it can sure puncture the earth and kill everything” is… a weird way of thinking and it sure is a McGuffin (and even called that in the Artbook) but as we said, the game is about ambiguity and the only way to look at its existence is not only “evil tower of doom”. Is it worth keeping? Eh… I wouldn’t say so myself. I still think the Utopian ending is pretty shit and seeing the tower as salvation for our mortal lives is pretty farfetched. But the question for this essay is: Is it wrong to think, it is worth keeping? And from Dankovsky’s perspective, who sees it as the only possible chance of curing human mortality… Well… the answer at least isn’t as simple anymore. But – and now we are getting somewhere – the argument about the complexity of human value can be also made without even relying on Kain-Bullshit.

Argument 3: The Utopian Ending is the only ending, that completely gets rid of the plague (at least from Dankos point of view)

But wait you say, the other endings also defeat the plague! There even is a cure, something our beloved Bachelor of Medicine never archives. What is this lunacy?

Well here is the catch: A cure does not destroy its disease. Or at least it is an unreliable method. Sure, if everyone is cured and/or the disease helps to build antibodies, then it does help to get rid of it. But the sandpest seems to leave the bodies and not finding these remnants and antibodies is one essential part of the Bachelor’s route. It is the reason Rubin needs a living heart in the first place. The disease doesn’t seem to stay and no antibodies seem to be developed. (And even if I try to avoid material of Pathologic 2 in this analysis since there are differences in the Canon I still at least want to mention, that the Panacea as well as the shmowder do indeed not help against the disease after it is cured and a person can be reinfected. I do not know, if the same is the case in one and if you can test it out.) But if there are no antibodies, the cure could only eradicate the disease if every single infected person is cured at the same time. Good luck with that! That’s not bound to be a complete mess in this town!

This is backed up on day 12 in the Bachelor’s own route. When he is presented with the options the other healers have, he always asks both of them the same question: How does that ensure the future of the town? The Haruspex makes a cure yes. But what if the disease returns? After all the underground water he talks about still exists and there is no telling, if it will ever reemerge. It already happened once… The Haruspex doesn’t answer with “no, that will never happen”. He says that they will have enough cure if this is the case. An optimist, I see. And definitely not a satisfying answer if we consider a scientific perspective. What if the cure runs out? What if they find out too late and the plague spreads outside of town? A cure is not a waterproof system against plague. (You know what works better though? A vaccine.) Daniil’s mission was always to eradicate the disease and this would not do the trick. Having only a cure is risky. And it might not be a permanent solution.

The same applies for the Humble ending. If one asks the Changeling what would happen if the blood of their sacrifice runs out she answers “There will always be people willing to sacrifice themselves” Which is… just great. Constant human sacrifice just doesn’t seem that sustainable. And it also means that there will be constant loss of human life. Something that might even lead to more sacrifice in the long run (although that would be a reaaaaly long run considering how long the sacrifice of the Clara’s bound is supposed to last.) But it sure as hell doesn’t make the plague disappear. What if there are no willing sacrifices? What if Clara is gone and there is no one to perform a miracle? Clara’s ending relies on faith by nature and putting your trust in it is easy from a player’s perspective but even harder when there are lives at stake, the success unsure and these questions to consider.

Dankovsky’s ending is built upon uprooting the plague and eradicating it. The problem is that it is everywhere and not easily destroyed. As Lara very adequately realised: There is no source. His ending is the consequence of that goal and even if it loses in every other aspect, this is the one, where it wins. It actually destroys the problem itself. Building a new town and keeping the tower it cannot reach, actively minimalizes the possibility of the plague reappearing. And a more permanent solution might save more lives than one that sounds more humane at the beginning.

Okay, to defend the Haruspex for a change of pace: In his route he actually does believe that his method eradicates the disease as much as Dankovsky is convinced that his solution does the trick. For him the source is the Polyhedron and the way, it wounds the earth. With it removed the plague will not reappear. But why should Dankovsky share this belief? No one tells him! The inquisitor says that the Polyhedron is the root of evil but there never is any actual proof for that. Even If the Polyhedron is partially responsible and Danko actually does acknowledge this, it is the bloody mess of underground fluids that are in fact the source (which is ironically confirmed by the Haruspex himself). As he tells the inquisitor herself at the last day: The source and the cause can be too different things. It already seeped through Andrey’s spiral to the upper layers. The damage has already been done and in fact the Polyhedron is now the only save place, where nobody is infected. Everything else needs to be destroyed to eradicate the disease but why even destroy the Polyhedron? Wait. Why even destroy the Polyhedron? What good would that even do if we would consider it? What the fuck would Dankovsky even do with the destroyed Polyhedron, how would that save the town?

Argument 4: Dankos ending isn’t about the town vs. the polyhedron at all!(From his perspective. It totally is for the player though!)

I experienced something weird while playing the Bachelor’s route in P1. And with that I mean that I experienced something weird, that I wasn’t already expecting. After hearing so much about the fabled Polyhedron love, assuming that he sacrifices the whole town for its sake and hearing from the inquisitor in Pathologic 2 again and again how obsessed he is, I waited for the revelation. The moment Dankovsky would completely lose it and become utterly and undeniably obsessed with the children’s tower. That moment… never happened. Or well… it happened remarkably late and with less impact than I thought. Until day 9 the tower isn’t even a point of interest to the Bachelor, which is two thirds of his route. But even after you witness the miracles of the Polyhedron yourself, you still can argue against its glory. You can agree with Aglaya on day 10, that it seems dangerous (even if that could also be tactics, but until this point there is not really a reason for that). Hell, you can tell Peter on day 12, that his ideas will always only exist in his mind and blueprints and that the new town they will create will not work out! That is so weird, if the result of his run is, that he sacrifices the town for the Polyhedron! Why is there always an option to speak against the miracle we want to save? Isn’t that completely strange?

If we take the town vs. polyhedron conflict serious then… yeah it is. But is this all, what his end can be about? I would argue against it. Because what finally tips him to his solution and completes his view on the map of the town isn’t the Polyhedrons glory: It is the towns underground water and the Haruspex telling him, that the deeper layers are infected. That is, when he flips his shit and he even has an “oh no, it can’t be!” moment. Weird, isn’t it? If he would be set about destroying the town, why agonizing over this information? But from his point of view it is a nail in the coffin, the realization, that the whole towns ground is seeping with infection and if not eradicated, it will reappear. The Bachelor doesn’t have a cure and the Haruspex, while promising that he has a solution, sure as hell doesn’t explain how that would work and insists on arguing his own case without interference. (Which is completely understandable but doesn’t clear the situation.) The Bachelor has no means on his own to fight the plague outside of destroying the town. This is his only option to call of the bombardment of the Polyhedron and the tower and from his point of view, destroying the tower would archive absolutely nothing. It is free of infection, why destroy it? What would ripping it out do aside from letting even more blood seep out? In his own case, this would be completely useless, thus destroying the Polyhedron does not save the town! When the Bachelor flips the switch and guides the trolley in a different direction, he isn’t guiding it from hitting the Polyhedron to hitting the town. He guides the trolley from hitting the town and the polyhedron to only hitting the town! And by the way to only hit the town which his infected people while everybody else evacuates in the tower. (Which is confirmed by his ending cutscene, where people are actually present. After all it takes the healthy to built the new town). In his own mind, the Bachelor is saving people, not killing them! He does what he can so that the most of them survives and in his case, destroying the town is the only method to ensure victory at all.

If we stick to his own route – as I am doing right now – we have two counterarguments against this theory. The first one: But isn’t that only the failure of finding a better method? And: yes it is. As we already discussed in the first argument, the Bachelors story is about failure and the game itself is about necessary sacrifice, lose-lose situations and making the best out of a desperate hopeless scenario. Which leaves us with the question: Could Dankovsky have found a better solution? And… maybe. If he was more attentive, made different choices, would have been nicer to the Kin… There always are “ifs” but I would argue that the ones in this scenario are… pretty small odds for a change. He does genuinely try to inspect the abattoir and find a solution and ensure it’s safety and is almost punched to death as a result. The Kin regard him with absolute hostility, and for a good reason but it doesn’t help his case. Without Burakh’s knowledge and caste-rights making a cure would be (almost) impossible. He isn’t allowed to do any normal doctoring the one time, he tried to gain some blood from dead people, multiple guards had to die in order to ensure this absolute act of evil to go unnoticed. Thus he has to rely on Rubin’s secret lab. The possibility of Simon and his powers against the plague also aren’t usable… The Bachelor doesn’t even get to see his corpse after all. What choice does he have other than eradicating the cause itself? It’s definitely not the elegant solution that he was hoping for but there is a reason for him switching to inspect everything after ruling out a living plague carrier. These are the desperate means of finding a solution when his own knowledge of medicine has already failed him and the hopes of providing such medicine are already dwindling. Saving the town is simply not an option, the moment itself becomes the source of the plague.

The second counterargument is this one: Why not side with another healer, when they provide a better solution? And this is also a very valid argument. And thus, the moment it becomes an option, we as the Bachelor can choose to do so. If he has the cures that are necessary to ensure another healers victory, it is completely possible to avoid that ending. He doesn’t have to stick with it as well as the other healers do not have to, so judging him based on the other routes being better outcomes becomes obsolete. He has the ability to use these options, but if we lack the cures, his own solution is the only one. (Of course you can also save the other characters bound and then still decide to destroy the town, but using this scenario as his only motivation, when you can totally decide for yourself is a bit harsh, isn’t it?)

Of course, this argument collapses the moment we play any other route and he is trying to convince us to save the Polyhedron and abandon our own plans. However his own route can be considered his own perception of the story and our knowledge, how much he knows about the others paths is pretty limited and dependant of our choices as the player. Also, seeing his character and the changes made with that in mind, we can actually explain, why they appear. Of course, everybody tells Artemy how much the Bachelor is in love with the tower, when we’re not seeing it to that extreme in his route! It is necessary to fulfil his role in the Haruspex route. Of course, both the Bachelor and the Haruspex will appear as demons in Clara’s route. They do offer nothing but destruction from her point of view and both solutions seem destructive and spiteful, if they try to convince her. Everybody seems on board with seeing the characters in her route differently, but I think that the same applies to the Bachelor and the Haruspex in each other’s route, since their roles in the game changes. Or at least the perspective changes based on the others worldview. The Haruspex seems a lot more dangerous and his medicine a whole lot shadier, while the Bachelor seems to be more in love with the tower and ready to abandon everything for it, because it seems that way in comparison to the other persons knowledge of the situation. This is also backed up by the doll ending, where the Bachelor is being called out as the villain most of the time. In other routes he appears more villainous than in his own route, because we do actually have the means of comparison. But this is our perspective and not actual character motivation. We as the player do have the choice to work toward an ending. We can with our knowledge of the game go the extra mile to secure enough cures from the very beginning and help another healer. We are aware of the fact, that Clara and Artemy are other playable characters and we know from the very beginning that their beliefs have to be of value and their solutions will be backed up by their own routes. We know the opposition these characters stand in and while we see the different routes we may judge them for ourselves. And while Clara definitely knows and the other two healers show some sensibility towards this opposition (the “left hand, right hand”-quote comes to mind), at least the male healers are basing their decision upon their beliefs and not some outside point of view (while Clara watches and not-so-silently judges them). They even try to help each other and even provide the key insight to their own plan’s destruction (the Bachelor guides the inquisitor eyes to the Polyhedron and its structure, while Artemy outright tells Daniil of the underground infection). Of course they do not have the full picture! How could they, this entire game is about them not having it and making terrible mistakes! Dankovsky doesn’t have the ability to judge his own solution how the player does. And while judging his ending based on this information is completely valid and sensible, implying that he knows this detriment and still goes through with everything feels… a bit unfair to say the least. The conflict of the town vs. the polyhedron is an important debate in the game. And yes, Dankovsky’s role is being the advocate of the polyhedron, but man, this guy has the tendency to get manipulated into advocating random shit! The town vs. polyhedron debate is as present with him, as it is with the Haruspex. With the Polyhedron being the source in his route, he really has no choice but to remove it. After all, this guy really has no reason, to protect the Polyhedron. Of course he doesn’t! He would never sacrifice the town for the sake of his own ideology!

Argument 5: Let’s talk Nocturnal!

I promised one comparison, didn’t I? Still, we are now diving into abstract talk about the games’ themes and less about character motivation. Consider this more of a bonus and a different thought and less as an argument for Dankovsky himself. Comparing one ending to a different one does not make one of these characters more or less of an asshole. And comparing Pathologic 1 to Pathologic 2 obviously doesn’t tell us anything about the canon of either of those games, since they have vastly different results and we have no idea what the Bachelor’s endings will look like in Parhologic 2 (though I would be surprised if we couldn’t destroy the town and save the Polyhedron. But who knows, in Artemy’s case the army only pisses off.) Still, I think it is very interesting to talk about both of these endings side by side.

And I will begin this comparison by telling you that I love this ending! I am so happy that it exists and I think it is glorious and I think it’s existence is really important. I am so happy that Artemy has a reason to destroy the town. But is this okay? Or – as a comparison – is this a better idea than the one Dankovsky had?

I would argue that these endings have a lot in common. They both preserve their own ideals and establish a radically new order at the cost of the town itself. They both kill a shit ton of people for the miracles they have witnessed along the way. One could even argue that the Nocturnal ending is more horrifying. Firstly, more people die. While the Bachelor saves the uninfected, Artemy saves only those who “live with earths will” which seems to be like… the ten guys chilling in the abattoir and some of the kids. We know that there are only mere hundreds of people left of the kin and since everybody in the termitary doesn’t seem to count… who even gets saved? It’s at least as vague as the question who isn’t infected and can be saved at the Utopian end. But – more importantly – Artemy definitely has a choice in that matter and decides to sacrifice the town for the sake of the past. (If you’re not me. In my playthrough I got the courier note twenty minutes before 22:00 and the game was like “what are you going to do, such a hard choice” and I was like “I literally do not have the time to get this thing to town hall”. And then Aspity was like “you made your own conscious and completely willed decision” while Artemy just awkwardly stared at her…) But even disregarding that, the ending is surprisingly similar. Yet I see no one judging either the Haruspex or his ending for being overly cruel and well… killing a lot. Actually, I only read posts defending it and saying that it is as morally okay as the diurnal ending and could also count as a good end. And… I kind of agree. The sacrifice of the diurnal ending is pretty steep and destroying some species – while the worms, herb brides and albinos definitely show human qualities – is pretty fucked up as well and preserving them can seem worth the cost. (Oh my, do not say we arrived at the problem of human value again!) Still… It is destroying the town for its miracles. That is literally what this ending is about, yet our asshole sense does not tingle at all! Why is that?

I think there are two arguments for this difference between our outlook on the Nocturnal and the Utopian end. The first one is that the Kin and its culture is very endangered and protecting it just seems more morally sound than protecting some rich dudes. Which is very fair and the Kains are very fucked up. Buuuut, it isn’t like there is the termitary quest that preludes the diurnal ending. Finishing the game doesn’t exactly mean that we abandon the Kin. Part of its beliefs and culture, yes. Definitely, and as I said I still think the Diurnal and Nocturnal ending are pretty balanced. But a part of the Kin is assimilated and is coping and while protecting its culture and very real traditions is completely valid, the Nocturnal ending also destroys parts of the Kin (the Termitary part) as ill fitting for living with the earth…. So… hm… It’s not as easy as saying “but you help the Kin in one and some rich dudes in the other”, since the Kin itself are also torn and we are still only allowing a specific way of living. A specific worldview containing the miracles of the town… On the other hand, the polyhedron and its miracles can also be considered endangered and unique. It is a one of a kind structure as is the miracles it can provide. The Stamatins are pretty unable to reproduce it, as the game likes to tell us and destroying it would destroy all hopes of a one in a time event to come to life. Also there are talks about the Utopians being a faction of the entire town with one third of the population agreeing on their beliefs (as it is the case with the other ideologies). And the plans Peter and Maria make do sound interesting, dreamlike and… well unique. Something that can also only happen in this circumstance. But alas… we do not know that much about it and their word is only what we have. And this is the second aspect that makes the Nocturnal ending more relatable: Buildup. We witness first-hand what this Nocturnal world would be (sometimes for better and sometimes for worse), we know the beings and the miracles of the earth. We do not really get in touch which the utopian ideas and only have the rambling of good old Georgji which… yeah that doesn’t help their case! But there are kids calling this new town an “eternal adventure” a miracle that can come to live and I would say, that this thought is quite beautiful. And it certainly is unique, which is the main argument of the Nocturnal ending. Wonders, plague and miracles. Destroy one and the other will vanish. So… what is worth keeping a miracle? The answer now seems even harder to grasp. Maybe even impossible.

But we also do not have every puzzle peace. I still have hope for the two different routes and with them there are the possibilities of new realizations and also new endings. I myself am really curious if we either get an option to save the town or a reason to destroy the Polyhedron as the Bachelor. (And I am very curious as well, if Clara will get a second ending. What would that even be? An all destruction ending to set everyone free???) There also could be more elaboration on the Polyhedron and its inner workings. Maybe we will even understand what the Kains are talking about! There are some allusions to a more concrete Kain worldview. The nut-game while very disturbing makes the entrapment of the soul way more real and gives the focus some context. (It also doesn’t only connect it with the polyhedron since “anything can be a focus. A polyhedron, a room, a nut”.) The same applies to the clocks and their connection to the save system, which makes the miracles of the Kains way more real. And I digress. Only time will tell.

Conclusion:

I think it is clear by now, that this way too long text isn’t really about giving answers and more about perspective. I myself would say that the Bachelor’s choice is terribly misguided most of the time and the only possible method to save anything at best. But I do not think that it is made with its destructive force in mind. What I wanted to show is, that the motives and the narratives surrounding this ending are way more complex and also really, really interesting. (I just wanted to gush about this game!) As are the characters that comment on the situation at hand. And reflecting on how we judge them can say a lot about our own view and the world (this one as well as the Town on Gorkhon).

[i-think-i-luv-ya]

Gunshot - KARD M/V Review Rant

I’m at it again with another so called review, when in reality its just a whole essay on my thoughts of my favorite artist’s comebacks, aka a rant lol. If you haven’t seen Gunshot, GO WATCH IT! I promise it’s amazing and this is one of their best songs/videos/comebacks etc. I have attached the video so no excuses! Also this is a lot of spoilers so don’t read this first it will ruin the shock and awe that is this video. And putting the “keep reading” to contain said spoilers and so ya’ll who don’t wanna read this don’t have to scroll endlessly to reach the end of my rambling.

Hi! Hello! Thank you for continuing reading! Lolol my Taemin 2KIDZ review actually got notes which was surprising, so hope you guys like this. I have a lot to say so here we go...

So first I wanna start on the meaning of the song. On his VLIVE BM said the song is about verbal abuse and how detrimental it can be to your mental health. Considering many pop songs, especially kpop, are all very cheery and upbeat I applaud them for covering such a serious topic in a way that’s not sad and slow. PLUS BM is creating new merch called healers where everything will be donated to an organization that fights against bullying (including homophobia and racism) which is incredible so be sure to check that out when it’s dropped. 

So on that note I wanna get into the song itself. Let’s start with lyrics. The song starts with the words “LOVE damn 4 letters” like what a perfect way to start a song. Also the way they blend a lot more English into this song is something I love as a non-Korean speaker. Plus the parts in English are so powerful? Well so are the Korean lyrics. Like KARD you guys just went hard with this whole song. The chorus is literally “You words are like a gunshot, I’m bleeding love”. Just wow. That definitely describes verbal abuse perfectly, especially coming from those you love because it’s those cruel words from loved ones that hurt the most. I mean “the words you spit out kill me like bullets”, how else is there to describe that pain because it fucking sucks. Other lyrics that just show the words are coming from the one you love: “As long as you love me, the good or the ugly, everything is okay” as well as “I won’t surrender my darling”.  And this relationship is obviously toxic with words like “Selfish I will never be enough even when I pour out all of myself” and “It’s like you control me, without you I’m lonely” and “So far you’ve concealed the true color” and “Without you dying slowly”. And they clearly have had enough with this abuse with lyrics like “Need to drag myself out of there, remove you from my life, take off the tag you” and “They hit me like a gunshot, I’ve bled enough”. 

Now into the sound of the song. It has all the classic KARD elements: it has a powerful sound with the instrumentals, it’s faced paced, it’s something you can dance to, and it has that chorus that slows down then just picks up again. But this song just sounds very different than anything they’ve released before? Not in a bad way, since this is probably one of their best songs. Between the lyrics, the vocals, and the overall sound where the music just doesn’t completely take over like in some of their other songs. Don’t get me wrong I love songs like BOMB BOMB, but it was very loud and a lot happening in the song at once. Which isn’t a bad thing, cuz that’s like the perfect club song. But with this song (and the whole album really) it shows them refining their sound. Also they had a lot more involvement with this song, especially BM who did everything from lyrics to producing which probably has a lot to do with it. The music itself just goes perfectly with the vocals. Just the flow is really nice, and the beat is fun, and them gun shots really just add to it. And can we talk about that breakdown when BM is like “1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4″? Like what??!! Those sirens and everything just ramps up just before it ends, like yaasssss. 

Now the music video! It starts with Jiwoo zipping up a body bag...which just sets the tone for the video cuz it’s like ok this is how it starts lets see how tf we got here. Then you find out at the end it Jiwoo zipping up the body bag of...well Jiwoo lol like WHAT THE FUCK?! (I’ll get into this here in a sec). Anyway in terms of the video it also has some classic KARD elements like the choreography that’s very intense and dramatic, the bright colors, the flashes and lasers, some crazy stuff happening, and some really cool props and visuals (not just the members lol). Other common stuff is the piles of technology surrounding them, especially J.seph. Like in Red Moon, there’s cameras and old televisions around them. This time the video starts with them being surrounded by cameras and J.seph has a pile of old computer monitors. There may be some meaning with this, but I don’t get it but think it’s an interesting theme. Perhaps its an analogy for them being constantly watched and put on every screen, like showing a darker side of being a celebrity (also will get into this in a minute when I talk about interesting interpretations and theories). 

Also this video gave me suicide squad vibes. Like Jiwoo with them pony tails and the way her makeup was done resembled Harley Quinn. And idk BM gave me Joker vibes (may be due to the coloring of his teeth), BUT he also gave me Harley vibes with the blue and pink coloring of his blonde hair (which is just an amazing look for him). Then BM was just covering everything in black, Jiwoo is just fucking shit up, Somin is ready to cut a bitch, and J.seph is burning shit up as usual (just like BOMB BOMB, so another parallel). Everyone looked good in this video...like they are all such great visuals. Somin looked like a queen as always with the jewelry and everything (they always do that and she looks stunning). Jiwoo pulls of that outfit with those threads everywhere, like that would drive me crazy yet she looks amazing. Blonde BM is truly a look. And J.seph? I think this was the best he’s looked in any video...maybe its the dark hair and clothes paired with those light contacts that just make his eyes stand out. Idk but looks good, all of them! Even with all those slashes to their faces! Also this video is a lot less sexualized, especially with the girls but that’s a whole other topic for another day.

So we know this song is about verbal abuse. I talked about how it could be from someone you love. Obviously the cuts on their faces are caused by the words and pain inflicted on them, until eventually its more than just lashes but a full on gunshot killing them completely. An interesting theory I read is this is a song to their fans, or really people just leaving hate comments. Again you can draw from the cameras and screens how their whole life is recorded, and how they are trying their best pouring their heart and soul into their music when they get all this hate and criticism. So these “shots” hurt the most when it comes from their fans. Also going with this concept, Jiwoo shooting herself could be killing who she is to be who they want her to be. Although there’s so many interpretations, especially to the ending. Like it could be her killing the weaker and darker part of herself (like the part of herself willing to put up with the abuse out of love), so by killing that part of her she is free. BUT, could this “winner” be that dark part of herself killing who she used to be? This could also be killing that pain, but by embracing it and letting it morph you into something darker like a person embracing that evil and using it to make themselves stronger and protect themselves. OR she is causing this pain on herself, it’s her own words are the insecurities and lack of love to herself that is affecting her until she ends up just killing herself (not literally but figuratively). Idk so many ideas and interpretations to the ending alone. Plus we have them all just spreading this darkness and anger (like BM literally painting everything black, which is symbolic into spreading darkness). But ya this video was amazing, the visuals were stunning and the song is just great.

The rest of the album (all 2 songs...hope they release more) was just as incredible. Hold On is a farewell to J.seph who will be enlisting soon, and omg that made me cry. So J.seph you better keep your promise and return soon because we’ll be holding on and waiting for you babe! This song was also really slow (at least for a KARD song) which just shows you they can be diverse in their music. Plus just the contrast of the verses (which are just super powerful) with the chorus (which is very melodic) was great. And with AH EE YAH, like that was so nice to listen to and its a cool mix between old music with that beat it starts with, to newer music especially with the way they rap. So, shows they have a lot of influences and it also shows a different side to KARD. 

Overall I think it’s a great comeback (idk what else they have planned but hoping for some new stuff because I’ve missed them so much). Please go show support and stream Gunshot and listen to the mini album! They are so talented and deserve so much more recognition. They have such hope with this comeback, but yet they still are like “we’re never gonna be number 1″ and that just breaks my heart. So show your support, hopefully they can get a win this year or just something big happen for them because they deserve it!! So that is the end of my rant...back to watching this video for the 100th time we go!! 

[whetstonefires]

both the negative AND positive reactions i'm seeing to BOP give me a very mid 90s to mid 2000s sense of "Girl Power" and idk why peoples standards are so low because i do not consider that kind of "girl power" to be particularly 'profound', if that's the right word. i haven't seen the movie yet so i can't say whether it's good or bad as a movie in terms of quality, completely unrelated to how it adapts certain characters, but if it's not then somethings just :/

Eh, it does better than a lot of its forebears, mostly in little ways? 90s girl power isn’t the worst thing, anyway. In some ways I really liked how awful Harley was allowed to be, even as that’s not how I see the character and I hate gross-out humor.

But yeah, the overall effect is not advancing any feminist frontiers and is in fact a mild disappointment on that front; it probably would have done better to have no attempt at messaging at all, and just been a romp that happened to be all ladies.

It’s not trying to be deep and it doesn’t need to be, but some of the ways it engaged with the concept of ‘girl power,’ if you will, bugged the heck out of me.

Particularly Harley’s big fuck-you to the Joker early on, that sets off her part of the plot, being inspired by coming to terms with a break-up he initiated that she had been in denial about; that nasty taste is lingering in my mouth really badly. I guess they were trying not to overlap and/or conflict with whatever happened in Suicide Squad? Which I did not watch. So I don’t know.

The stylistic pattern generally of sabotaging the characters and making them objects of derision immediately after they had a Big Moment, as I’ve mentioned, also struck me as a really bad decision.

(Especially in moments like when Harley was initially captured, when she was very assertive and provocative and ‘meh whatever’ about the threat of torture right up until it was actually going to start, at which point she flipped instantly to appeasement, making the previous actions the opposite of powerful, and also…that, in this context, is not funny. The context of Harley as longterm victim of the Joker which they avoided really shittily, I mean, and the context of supposedly making an anti-misogyny movie. There was a lot of iffy subtext of this nature. Eh.)

I personally had a lot of trouble with the way it swayed in and out of Serious Mode, tho; I couldn’t keep up. People who can switch like that probably had a better experience.

Overall it worked for me a lot better than Supergirl or Jupiter Ascending, the last two things billed as feminist that I was notably disappointed by; it didn’t feel the need to fall over apologizing for its lead’s girl-ness like the former, and it didn’t ultimately deny its female leads the ability to make good calls or to cope with the consequences of their own decisions in any practical fashion ever.

(I’m still mad okay about how Jupiter Ascending had a whole arc setting up Jupiter being able to use the rules of the evil space society to her advantage, only to have her consciously choose not to do that because her family was held hostage, and order everyone who could help her not to do so because She Has The Right To Make Her Own Choices, then once she’d put herself in a position of powerlessness have the belated breakthrough that actually she wouldn’t let the world burn to save her loved ones, she’d let her loved ones burn to save the world–except if she died here, as she now had no way of preventing, she couldn’t save anyone, whoops.

She does not ultimately do anything whatsoever that actually resolves this situation she’s put herself in by finally asserting her right to make decisions; her people (mostly the boyfriend) just ignore her wishes and save her, which was a really aggravating resolution thematically even if watching her beat up Eddy Redmayne’s character was mildly cathartic.)

Anyway I try not to waste any more of my energy than I can help on Rep Media not being good enough. It’s an ongoing struggle.

[the-desolated-quill]

Sonic Movie Does A U-Turn - Quill’s Scribbles

Okay, so I’m actually writing a whole other Scribble about the Sonic the Hedgehog movie and about live action/CGI hybrid movies in general, which I’m hoping to have finished by tomorrow, but some news has come out and I know for a fact people are going to use it as a stick to try and beat me with even though it’s completely irrelevant to what I have to say, so I’m going to talk about it now.

So live action Sonic the Hedgehog is hideous. That’s pretty much an objective fact. He looks like something that came out of Andy Serkis’ arse after he ate the mo-cap dots and gave himself a stomach bug. Well apparently the fan and critical backlash has been so extreme that the director Jeff Fowler has gone on Twitter and vowed to change the design.

Now this isn’t the first time a movie was changed in post production in response to audience feedback. After the critical failure of Batman V Superman, Warner Bros and DC hired an editing team that usually does movie trailers to recut the film Suicide Squad to make it more like Marvel, which of course resulted in the misogynistic technicolor shitshow we ended up with. (In other words, it’s exactly like a Marvel movie. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!! I’M SO EDGY!). But Sonic feels significant because of the amount of backlash and the sheer size of the change the filmmakers are now having to implement. We’re not talking editing scenes or doing CGI touch ups. We’re talking a full remodelling of a very prominent CGI character. That’s going to take quite a bit of money and overtime to complete before the November release date.

So this is good news I guess. We’re getting a live action Sonic that’s closer to the iconic design from the games. That’s all well and good... but only if it’s worth the extra effort and let’s be brutally honest, it really doesn’t seem like it.

Sonic The Hedgehog Of The Opera is really just one problem in a sea of problems. You’ve all seen the trailer, right? Yes Sonic The Hedgehog Of Notre Dame is hideous, but what about all the other shit in the trailer? The unfunny jokes? The generic premise? The cringeworthy music choice? Jim Carrey being an obnoxious tool? A Sonic redesign isn’t going to change that. Those bits are still bad. Honestly I think this film is dead on arrival and it’s not really worth the effort fixing Sonic at this point. You only get to make one first impression and this was it. This is without a doubt one of the worst trailers I think I’ve ever seen and everyone involved in this movie, who worked on this movie or are even associated with this movie should be incredibly embarrassed by this. And that’s including Tim Miller. 

Yeah! The director of Deadpool is the executive producer of this film! Not only that, he approved the design! In an interview with IGN, he said:

"It would be weird and it would feel like he was running around nude if he was some sort of otter-like thing. It was always, for us, fur, and we never considered anything different. It's part of what integrates him into the real world and makes him a real creature." 

Tim... he’s wearing running shoes. I think the boat has sailed on the realism front, don’t you?

Apparently Sega and Sonic Team weren’t too happy with the design, particularly the eyes, and that’s really the main thing about all this that’s confusing me. How the fuck did this design get approved? Did no one on the production team or at the executive level say ‘hang on a minute, this looks a bit iffy’? Did no one at least question why they were making such a drastic change to such an iconic design? What about Sega? Why didn’t they put their foot down when they saw the initial design? It’s not like they’re powerless. They’re co-producing this thing. Guys... what the hell happened?

Now there’s a bit of a conspiracy theory going around suggesting that this is all a marketing ploy. That the trailer and Sonic design was deliberately shit in order to drum up publicity. I can see why people think that, but I very much doubt that’s the case. For one thing, it’s one hell of a gamble releasing a trailer that’s deliberately shit just to get people talking. Like I said, you only get to make one first impression. Even if and when they reveal the revamped look, they’re going to have a heck of a job winning people over again, especially those who weren’t really sold on this film to begin with. But also it doesn’t change the fact that the studios are going to have to spend time and money redesigning Sonic and implement the new design into already completed footage. There’s no way any studio would waste that much time and money on a concept they didn’t think was saleable. And that’s really the source of this whole conspiracy, isn’t it? People understandably can’t wrap their heads around the idea that the filmmakers legitimately thought that this design was good. It’s simply mind-boggling that anyone would approve such an obviously bad design, and yet wonders never cease.

So there’s a chance Sonic might actually look like Sonic in a few months time. That’s nice. But it doesn’t matter if the film isn’t good and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my doubts. Based on that trailer, this looks set to be this generation’s Super Mario Bros movie, which is a shame because out of all the movie adaptations of video games we’ve had, Sonic is the one with the most potential to succeed. I think the premise would translate so well to the big screen. If only the film was being made by competent filmmakers.

Sigh. I don’t know. Fingers crossed, eh?

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via "Medically Futile Care" As Ritual. I Fucking Knew It. And People Are Okay With This?)

I’ve been researching so-called “medically futile care” lately, or more accurately, it’s a rabbit hole I fell down while researching nursing and what nurses have to say about witnessing and participating in medically futile care, otherwise known as medicalized torture.  My own mother is a nurse and I know that she, after being a nurse for some 30 years, started to become disillusioned by Western medicine and the horrific procedures and treatments imposed on intractably and/or terminally ill and actively dying patients.  Of course, she didn’t start having a problem with it until after she had reaped the social and material rewards of being a disgusting handmaiden and middle class patriarchal enforcer for her entire adult life including subjecting her own children to medicalized torture: my own brother died from it and earlier this year she brutally criticised me for abandoning Western medicine after 2 years of conventional Crohn’s treatments that were not helping and only making me worse.  With a Western medical nurse as a mother who needs a firing squad (or torturer) amirite?

https://youtu.be/ujANeiNYHU8

I have written here before about disillusioned Western medical doctors resisting their evil profession by leaving the field, including leaving via suicide. Apparently there is currently a movement headed by Western medical doctors themselves to challenge abusive practices in their field including but not limited to hazing and domination rituals in medical school and medical residency; overwork, sleep deprivation and other conditions related to employment in the Western medical field; and cruel standards of care including those implicating medically futile care where doctors feel “forced” to literally torture sick, injured and otherwise vulnerable patients lest they lose their jobs or be sued for medical malpractice. Doctors are actually feeling sorry for themselves because their jobs as patriarchal enforcers and medical torturers makes them feel bad, and while anyone who has ever worked before knows what it’s like to be coerced for money (and survival) those who literally, physically harm and torture other people in order to maintain their own standards of living will garner no sympathy from me.

The same goes for Western medical nurses who my research indicates suffer greatly from vicarious trauma and professional burnout from “having” to witness torturous medically futile care in their professions.  Examples of such care include flogging corpses which have no reasonable chance of being revived; continuing invasive so-called “life support” for those who are dead to the world and will probably never regain consciousness or if they do will be horrifically and permanently impaired; refusing to let extremely premature or terminally malformed or diseased infants die naturally, and so on.  Get a real fucking job, no matter how low it pays, is my response to all medical professionals who have a problem with physically harming and torturing people…yet continue to do it anyway because some man somewhere tells them they have to lest they lose their jobs if they want to continue to fund their own middle- to upper middle-class lifestyles.   Seriously fuck you a million times you poor, poor self-proclaimed victims of workplace abuse who continue to physically torture vulnerable people for money.  You absolute monsters.

As a chronically ill person suffering from an incurable and progressive disease that is notoriously unresponsive to conventional care, I recognized awhile ago that for me to engage with Western medicine when it has nothing to offer me in terms of pain and symptom relief or a net increase in my quality of life (net meaning overall, or a positive rather than negative score in benefit-minus-risk) would be nothing more or less than an engagement with a patriarchal ritual, and one that as a radical feminist would give me no comfort.  Because I see no objective or subjective value in participating in patriarchal rituals I have declined to use the doctors’ office as a confessional, to confess my sins of being a disabled female under capitalism and patriarchy to a patriarchal authority figure who can do absolutely nothing for me except to witness my confession and absolve me of the emotional burden of being sick in the first place, and medically noncompliant in the second.  That is literally what Western medicine is to me now — a patriarchal ritual — and I reject that on its face as a female who is deliberately denigrated and harmed (not healed) by patriarchy and patriarchal rituals by design.

Well come to find out this business about Western medicine and medically futile care in particular being a patriarchal ritual has been described by other people and wasn’t just something I and other radical feminists have made up in our heads: researchers actually admit it’s true in a medical journal article entitled “Rituals, death and the moral practice of medical futility.”  Of course, they frame the use of ritual in this context as a positive thing.  Here is the abstract of that article:

“Medical futility is often defined as providing inappropriate treatments that will not improve disease prognosis, alleviate physiological symptoms, or prolong survival. This understanding of medical futility is problematic because it rests on the final outcomes of procedures that are narrow and medically defined. In this article, Walker’s “expressive-collaborative” model of morality is used to examine how certain critical care interventions that are considered futile actually have broader social functions surrounding death and dying. By examining cardiopulmonary resuscitation and life-sustaining intensive care measures as moral practices, we show how so-called futile interventions offer ritualistic benefit to patients, families, and health care providers, helping to facilitate the process of dying. This work offers a new perspective on the ethical debate concerning medical futility and provides a means to explore how the social value of treatments may be as important in determining futility as medical scientific criteria.”

Oh by all means, let’s remove the expectation that medical care provide positive “final outcomes” for the one being subjected to it — the patient.  Because to ignore fail to extol the broader social function of torturing sick and dying people in a medicalized authoritative setting would be problematic, you see.  Do you see what they did there? They are talking about social engineering and the effects on society at large of flogging corpses, equating zombification/maintaining a state of undead with “life support”, and spitting in the eye of natural law by refusing to allow congenitally unviable infants to not-survive infancy and so on.  And while the abstract does not list or detail the alleged benefits, the writers believe the social engineering effects are positive. Sure, if the reader is one who benefits from collective trauma and trauma-based mind control among other things.  The rest of us, I suppose, are just expected to adopt the perspective of our oppressors.

These medical researchers aren’t even hiding the fact that most if not all medically futile including end-of-life care is ritualistic and does not benefit the patient.  They assert that it is not intended to and should not be intended to benefit the patient because why waste an opportunity for social engineering and propping up medical (patriarchal) authority by “facilitating the process of dying” as if natural law needs their help?  This is megalomaniacal.

The shit icing on the cake may even be that these researchers used a woman feminist’s ethical framework in order to justify using patriarchal authority as social engineering in cases of intractable illness and injury, including at the end of life.  They rely on Margaret Urban Walker’s Moral Understandings: A Feminist Study in Ethics, published in 1998 which is described here:

The central concept of Walker’s work is the development of the expressive-collaborative model of ethical discourse.  The expressive-collaborative model is a participatory model that engages people of all different kinds in a deliberative process that develops shared morality for a community.  She develops this model as an alternative to the theoretical-juridical model [which model is a top-down authoritative model that assumes a universal moral code applies and does not accept input from the community it asserts moral authority over.]

Of course, assuming Walker is actually a feminist, she is proposing an alternative to patriarchy and providing an entrance for women and feminists into ethical discussions surrounding social policy and practice that disproportionately negatively affect us.

But her work is not used here to challenge patriarchy, quite the opposite.  These prick researchers appear to use Walker’s alternative feminist ethical framework to support the use of medicalized patriarchal torture as ritual and beneficial social engineering…why?  Because men and Western medical doctors should be included in the creation of social policy and practice and to not include them would be unfair because they are part of the communities they serve?  (Have we hit peak liberal feminism yet?)  Because using the bodies of sick and dying people to literally send messages to other people is perfectly fine?  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, considering that men in general and Western medicine in particular, as a fundamental patriarchal institution, already wrote the whole show including the foreword, the afterword, and the credits — and have used women and women’s bodies as useful objects the whole time.  The world is their stage, the rest of us only players, yet we mustn’t disallow men and patriarchal institutions their voice literal actual physical abuse because not only ethics, but because feminist ethics.  Got it.

Did I mention that I was right about medically futile care being nothing but a patriarchal ritual that can only harm women because that’s what it’s intended to do?  Yep.  I absolutely did mention it and I will again.  I have also discussed how sick women’s bodies are in fact used to send messages to other people, in the case of requiring women to accept harmful and misogynistic Western medical treatment in order to collect disability benefits, the message is comply or literally die. Of course, I also framed Western medical treatment of untreatable, incurable and progressive disease as medically futile care which for some people is probably controversial but hardly a stretch if you just think about it a little bit.  Goddammit I hate being right all the time.

https://youtu.be/Auxn2VAdiKI

[cirrocumulus-cloud]

Mutsuki is irredeemable

...is a concept that would throw Kaneki under the bus.

Please let this sink in:

If

Mutsuki + Violent Behaviour = Irredeemable Sense of Self

then

Kaneki + Giant Centipede = Irrevocable Personal Destruction

It's math! Not really, but it's a stylistic way of presenting a story and Ishida's Readers walk into the same worldview that most of our characters currently hold close to them. That's deliberate.

The narrative paints Kaneki and the characters that are dear to him as the ones that we should feel sympathy for and we do. It comes with the package of being a main character.

Likewise it is entirely non-surprising that when we see Mutsuki lash out at Touka we feel an inherent need to protect Touka, not Mutsuki. This is a character that our protagonist loves and we have had an entire Manga more to develope a connection to her. It is no wonder that Readers pick Touka's side because the story is set up in a way that stacks everything against Mutsuki. We are supposed to feel antipathy for them because if we don't this entire confrontation crumbles. We aren't supposed to fight over who's side to take.

And the genius of that is that it puts us, the Readers, into the same place that our Save Kaneki Squad is in: It is a place that one should never pick, because it may be spoken from the heart but it hinders growth. Because neither Hide nor Tsukiyama nor Touka are trying to get Kaneki out of his terrible monstrous self to hold him accountable for his actions, they are doing so because they miss him.

Touka is a person who has the audacity to hold Mutsuki to a standard of responsibility that she doesn't even hold herself to. She's telling them to not get in the way, to not do anything, to stay out of it - while she, herself, is deliberately putting herself in danger even though she is pregnant. (Linkspooky has written a great post about this chapter, please check it out.)

Touka forgets that her dear husband is a giant Godzilla wannabe who ate child orphans and then wreaked havoc on Tokyo. All the innocent dead bystanders? Unimportant because she didn't know them. Maybe one of them was a regular at the :re cafe! Perhaps some of those dead civilians used to watch high class entertainment like theatre with Tsukiyama. Maybe some of those trampled and ripped apart people were Hide's classmates in university. Who knows? Our characters certainly don't bother to check out the emotional damage that has been caused by Kaneki for themselves. They’d rather grab metal detectors and dig him out like some pirate treasure.

Touka is only in a position where she can look down on Mutsuki because she is the thing that Kaneki wanted to protect; she is the reason why he lashed out. And Mutsuki also lashes out because they want to protect and because they want to make their feelings not heard but felt in a "you made me suffer" way, but they have been abandoned by Ken in favour of other people and have no one to fall back to because the rest of the Quinx do fuck all to keep Mutsuki from going bonkers. Urie is great at not keeping promises whatsoever (just look at how Shirazu's dead body is doing) and Saiko would prefer to sleep through the day than to actually do something about Mutsuki falling into a downward spiral.

What's the difference between lashing out because you have been abused and abandoned and having suffered abandonment and abuse and lashing out due to it? That's what both of them do, constantly.

The difference is that Kaneki has someone who he can call his and who he can protect (which is something Kaneki will always fall back to do and if he doesn't have such a person he becomes suicidal, just ask him about Hide) while Mutsuki has been abandoned by the person who they put all of their faith in living in. Mutsuki doesn't turn suicidal, they turn violent, but the inner resentment of them is so crystal clear that they confused Readers for ages about their gender. You have to hate yourself to a desperately high degree to resort to changing everything about you just so you aren't reminded of the bad people in your life.

What Mutsuki lacks is what kept Kaneki stable for a while. Which is, for Tooru, a perfect father figure that they can rely on. Which is something that Haise did for a while, only to then abandon Tooru outright without looking back. Mutsuki isn’t wrong when they accuse him of not caring.

Kaneki and Mutsuki have so many similarities between them. You can’t condone one behaviour and accept the other, no matter the circumstances for lashing out.

And the moment that Touka was threatened to be taken from Ken? That's when he threw all of his morals out the window and resorted to eating children. People with no agency. People like him. Not only that but he became what he hates and it's so incredibly dumbfounding to see all of these characters treat his destruction like an illusion that you can ignore.

They handle Kaneki's misdeeds as a Fata Morgana and that is incredibly selfish and shows just how little they actually care about the world around them. Getting Kaneki back isn't a plan to bring peace to the world, it is a plan to get a friend back. A friend who just killed a major portion of Tokyo and destroyed important infrastructure.

From a narrative standpoint we still stand with them, not with Mutsuki. But these are people who cannot fathom to throw an ounce of sympathy towards Tooru, even though they have suffered terrible losses. They saw almost their entire family get slaughtered, they got their face ripped apart, they witnessed their husband kill children when they themselves were desperately trying to protect children. And. It's. Kaneki's. Fault. Still the Kaneki Rescue Squad ignores all of these terrible events in favour of Ken - and that isn't healthy. Which leads us to a crossroad. These characters have suffered enough for it to last for a lifetime. These are the people that should care - the people who hold Kaneki up on a throne despite his misdeeds, and they show no concern for Mutsuki, a character who acts like Kaneki in more ways than one and acts as a foil to him.

If we assume that they are right in their way of viewing the world around them and Mutsuki especially, then we have to agree that yes, Mutsuki is irredeemable. And that means yes, Kaneki is also irredeemable. But we don't want that, do we?

We can also look at it this way: These characters are wrong for turning a blind eye on Ken and extremely limited in their worldview which leads to carefully picked out morals that hold up to no standard. And the implications if this is true are terrible. If characters like Touka fail to see sympathy and feel empathy for Mutsuki, then how do they expect the entirety of Tokyo to throw even a shred of acceptance Kaneki's way?

The people of Tokyo won’t care for Kaneki just like the Kaneki Rescue Squad doesn’t care for them. Murder is murder, as Mutsuki said ages ago. We should want to see an honest wish to do good from our characters, but we don’t get that because none of these people are trying to see past their own horizon.

If you want Ken to be given a second chance by Tokyo then you need to admit that Touka and Co. are deluding themselves. And if you want Kaneki to be redeemable by the story's standard then you should wish for Mutsuki to get a redemption arc, not a death sentence.

[amateurfan227]

Shitlist Reviews - SDCC Movie and TV Trailers

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m Amateur Fan 2.27 and welcome back to the Shitlist, were bad movies burn. Well San Diego Comic Con has just finished with a few additional movies coming out for the remainder of this year and for 2019 which should be interesting, so I thought I’d do a review on the ones I found the most interesting which would Glass, Shazam, Aquaman, Godzilla: King of the Monsters and the Titans TV show.

Before I begin I would like to apologise for my long hiatus especially that I left before Infinity War came out )which I still haven’t seen due to character conflict towards the Phase 2 story but I’ll get to that eventually including the review I was planning which would be the second Thor movie; I’ve been pretty busy in both my personal life as well as my work life which leads to leaving this one out in the meantime but fortunately I’m back with full confidence from someone (who I admire greatly).

To start I’m going to begin with the worst of the latter, Titans based on the Teen Titan comics, now I’ve seen the photos before the trailer and I’ve to admit, the casting is completely horrendous especially that it revolves around a set of teenagers or in this case, adults playing teenagers in an universe which is built on teen angst as well as overused references towards multiple franchises (here’s look at you Flash).

I like the idea of it but in a way DC kind of shot themselves in the foot with that one, especially that majority of the fans are praising the idea of the titans being set in the same universe but with the casting it’s entirely different, especially when it comes down to 2 characters in particular, Raven and Starfire, I prefer them to be played by people who look the part, not just have make-up as well as prosthetics.

And insult to injury, Robin even stated ‘Fuck Batman’ by posing that he’s better than the Dark Knight detective... yeah you can see that is not going to be the same when nearly every Batman in the franchise is better than the Boy Wonder, the addition of Beast Boy was exceptional seeing that he was part of the Titans but what puzzles me is that Hawk and Dove are in the series (for most you who don’t know Hawk and Dove are personifications of War and Peace).

Titans is one of those series like Gotham, I will never watch it as the series does have some interesting aspects and ideas but due to creation control, bad concepts and characters, will be ignored from the fan-base entirely.

Glass now which is third instalment towards the Unbreakable franchise, I’ve seen both Unbreakable as well as Split and both of them are gems of this generation especially when it comes towards cinema due to their twists and story, the movie looks like it’s set just after Split following the arrest of Kevin (Split) and set like a superhero movie.

The idea has been done to death but it looks pretty interesting as the characters from the franchise are pretty original, the characters themselves do resemble themselves as Superheroes as they have additional powers which look interesting upon belief such as the first is based on Willis’s character as well as Jackson’s character and the second was on McEvoy’s character.

Though I’ve not been much of Shyamalan due to his twists in his movies as well as the over-use on foreshadowing in movies, but I am looking forward to seeing old characters from the first movie that started it all; count me in for this one

The next one to talk about is Shazam which I will provide information for first before diving into the trailer, Shazam or better known as Captain Marvel (there was a lawsuit between DC and Marvel to lead the change) was known as the world’s Mightiest Mortal or the next Man of Steel due to having similar abilities as the Man of Steel (flight, strength, speed) but also the ability to construct magic which makes him a worthy opponent towards Superman.

The character is part of DC property under the name of Shazam from the 40s with a strange story starting of as 10 year old Billy Batson being lured towards a powerful wizard (trust me I’m not making this up) only to learn that Billy is the one that the Wizard, Shazam has been looking for to transfer his power due to age, only to learn that his opponents will be personifications of the 7 deadly sins; Billy only summons the power of Shazam but literally saying the name of the wizard.

The trailer follows the same story which is interesting as well as pretty comical tense as Billy looks to be concerned that he is in fact turned into a hero, and to be fair if I had the ability to turn into that form, I’d be freaking out as well which is more concerning, both Shazam actors are played by Asher Angel and Chuck’s Zachary Levi, it does look interesting by aging the character a bit and setting it in modern times which does improve the idea of it.

The problem though is the costume that Shazam wears,  it looks too dimensional and fake like it’s set as away from the comic-book series as well as the magic that he possesses, and that bullet-proof part in the trailer is something that he doesn’t have in the comics or the ones I’ve read at-least meaning that it’s only set for film only, after viewing this trailer a couple of times, twice for this review, I’m looking interesting in watching this but the humour is diverting itself away from DC’s similar to Suicide Squad and turning it into some Marvel would accomplish, let’s hope and see if this one stays to the formula.

Now for one that I’ve been waiting for in a good while, Aquaman, the sixth instalment towards the DC Extended Universe following Justice League, which follows a story towards the Aquaman Series in the New 52 known as Throne of Atlantis which looks like the basis of the movie, I’m not entirely sure why people hate this character so much, he started his comics in the 40’s alongside Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman and was powerful enough to join the Justice League.

In the New 52 series his story is more developed even towards his love for both the surface world as well as Atlantis. In some of the comics he was even given darker roles as a king as sacrificing his own hand to save his son which was revealed later in the Justice League cartoon in the earlier 2000s which I will be reviewing one day.

The movie looks quite similar though some of the CGI is offputting in some sequences mainly towards the animation of the fish, but the character seems to be similar towards the comics which matters the most. From looking at Atlantis in a fan’s point of view, it looks insanely beautiful which is new towards a comic-book series which predicts it like royalty, they weren’t wrong.

The architecture in the trailer makes Atlantis look amazing especially with the design of Greek texture which connects the mythos greatly. I’m enjoying the evolution of Mera (played by the gorgeous Amber Heard) who looks more of a motivation towards Arthur rather than just a wife and Queen to Atlantis I’ve to admit, the suit is similar towards the New 52 as well with the strong colour on the Green suit.

Black Manta looks more futuristic rather than modern as in the comics; though the laser eyes from the helmet is exactly from the comics which makes it more believable towards fans which is something I admire the most about the character, Orm however is something I’m not looking forward to as the actor doesn’t resemble the character at all whom possessed more jealousy towards Arthur as well as hatred for humanity due to Arthur being both Human and Atlantian.

I’m actually excited to see this movie come through, especially that it’s following the New 52 series rather than the old stories which vandalised the character with the sketches comedians placed on the character (here’s looking at you Conan..) This movie is one that I will be watching as soon as it comes out, maybe it’s because of the characters and the atmosphere of the movie but I will be looking forward to it.

Now for the one that I’ve been looking forward to for after 4 long years of waiting, with leaks of the movie, images and broken CGI, I present to you, the return of the King of the Monsters.... Godzilla.

Now for those who don’t know, I’m a huge Kaiju fan especially when it comes towards the King of the Monsters, Godzilla or to pronounce him in his native tongue, Gojira, he started in 1954 by Ishiro Honda when Nuclear tests were performed around the world as tests but in the story one of those tests woke something up, a hibernating dinosaur which radiation granted him the abilities to fast heal any wounds, project radiation waves and to launch his infamous atomic breath.

The first movie was a signature message as an homage to how dangerous nuclear weaponry can be towards humanity and the devastation that it can cause; the first movie was popular that it caused a lot of sequels, 30 of them to be exact, 2 of them were previously reviewed on this show, one being a total disaster (fuck you Emmerich for killing a Japanese icon) and one that gave the character its justice (Thank you Edwards for reviving the franchise).

Godzilla 2 is a sequel set after the events of the incident of 2014, which reveals that there are more Kaiju... sorry in the universe they are revealed as Titans, creatures resembling Gods at this point, I’m going to be stating on what I’ve heard so far before I review the trailer.

The movie is set years after the events of the 2014 incident between Godzilla and the M.U.T.O.s leading towards Monarch to find monsters believing that the Earth is hiding them (Kong: Skull Island) also leading them to find 3 creatures which resemble titans, Mothra, Rodan and Monster Zero aka King Ghidorah, but a terrorist group are interested in finding these creatures believing that humanity is a plague and the monsters are the cure.

Just to clarify, I’ve not seen the monsters until I saw the trailer a couple of days ago which looks absolutely amazing by live action standards; as well as CGI standards some leaks have been released but judging from the looks of the images, they seem to be for another movie rather than the Monsterverse...

Now for the trailer, I was kinda right when it came to the terrorist angle, especially when it comes to controlling the monsters as well as the main terrorists using humanity as an excuse, to be honest, I think this more of an alien back story rather than a terrorist back story seeing that Monarch is a international cooperation in research of Monsters.

Now for the monsters, does Michael Dougherty do them justice? That answer is Yes, Godzilla looks insanely awesome with the addition of the retro spikes on his back with the atomic breath being at full flame, the problem is that he would be more scarred rather than clean after the fight he had years ago, as you remember in the first review is that he’s been beaten before by military but is still going strong due to radiation.

Mothra is like what they described on the website, a queen of the Monsters and boy they do not disappoint, she looks incredible when it comes to her infant stage or as it’s called her larva stage which is impressive by far but when it comes to her full form, you can see that she is going to be igniting some powers most likely some kind of blinding power.

Rodan is by far the most impressive as you see him emerging from the volcano which looks like it’s been rigged to blow to be honest but the way he moves is more impressive than his looks, apparently from what I’ve been told is that he will have Magma for blood which would grant him the ability of a dragon, him flying is more important as you see more damage that he’s let on, this form has been used previous in one of the old Japanese movies during the Showa period or most likely the Heisei era.

King Ghidorah is well known to be Godzilla’s arch rival and is been the main enemy towards the monsters relating to the Kaiju, I love the fact that we hardly see him as well as the previous monsters but with him it’s special as he does resemble a more deadly threat towards humanity rather than the other creatures, though we don’t see him as much, we know that his presence there through the movie.

The Human story arc does look interesting especially that Monarch are fighting more than 4 threats,  maybe it will follow the devastation that happened 4 years ago and possibly some answers that Monarch are so keen to hide away from the public; since the 2014 adaptation of the legendary monster, I’ve been interested in how they are going to take this creature on, whether they would let the King of the Monsters live his legacy towards the titans and defeating his arch rival or fall and fail in the process, all I can say is Long live the King.

So this is my run down of the 5 things I thought were interesting in this year’s SDCC which will be expanded when the time comes by, but in the meantime I am finishing off Thor: The Dark World and will continue the Marvel Cinematic Universe but requests are acceptable on both on here as well as my Facebook Page (screw you Zuckerberg). So with that said I’ll see next time.

[minaminokyoko]

A ‘Justice League’ Rant

Foreword

Alright, DC fans. Before you light your torches and grab your Aquaman pitchforks and set off a rousing chorus of "Kill the Beast" when you read my review/rant, I am going to attempt to set the mood and explain myself. Some of you won't care. Some of you won't even read the whole thing before you jump onto your keyboards and proclaim that I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't understand comic books and comic book movies and that the Justice League movie is great and it's better than all the Marvel movies.

Let me stop you right there. 

This ain't about the Marvel movies.

This is about DC and Warner Bros and filmmaking in general.

I don't have it out for DC/WB. I don't have it out for the DCEU. This anger and disappointment is not a result of the 20+ Marvel Cinematic Universe's successful run. This anger and disappointment comes from deep inside a little girl who at the tender age of six or seven first realized what kind of person she wanted to be when she saw Batman: Mask of the Phantasm for the first time. One of my earliest memories was seeing the pain and torment that Bruce Wayne went through after he fell in love with Andrea and he wanted so desperately for it to be okay that he loved her and that he didn't want to keep his promise anymore. I have loved DC since I was old enough to love anything. I love Batman so much that I have his symbol tattooed on my right shoulder. Dead serious. He is my guiding light and he has been since I was six years old.

So, once more, I want you to understand that the reason I hate the Justice League movie is not because I dislike DC.

The reason I hate the Justice League movie is that the Justice League movie hates me.

This movie is hollow. It is a hollow farce. It took six of the most beloved characters in fictional history and stripped them of all the reasons why they have been beacons of entertainment since their inception and plastered them on a cheap ass green screen and shoved it out into the world to make a quick buck. There was no passion, no heart, and no creativity in this film. It doesn't have an original thought in its damn head. Not one. Everything I saw was something I've seen before elsewhere, and it was done better elsewhere. If you don't believe me, fine. Let's go point-by-point. I will fully explain every reason why I almost demanded my money back after sitting through this poisonous flick.

-The plot is so unbelievably thin you couldn't stretch it farther than a couple of inches. Forgetting the fact that Batman vs. Superman was one of the worst films ever, picking up where it left off somehow just made it hurt even worse since we had to acknowledge the fact that it exists and then have to build another plot from the resulting shitstorm. So we begin with Crazy Steve (Note: I refuse to call him Batman or Bruce Wayne, because BatAffleck is neither. He in no way represents any Batman other than Linkara's epithet Crazy Steve from his reviews.) catching a  burglar (with a literal sack of stolen shit on his back, like he's a fucking crook from the 1950's or something) and then a parademon appears and he kills it. So...first of all, was Crazy Steve there for the crook and the parademon just happened to be there? Or was Crazy Steve there for the parademon and he just used the crook? That makes absolutely no sense. Those two things didn't need to be there together. It's a plot contrivance of the highest order.  It was also unnecessary as fuck. You could have just had Crazy Steve on patrol and he saw the demon, caught it, and then it died. After seeing this, the jump from 'hey, a weird alien’ to 'ZOMG WE GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER' is liable to give you fucking whiplash. Crazy Steve immediately jumps to "putting a team together" when he has such little evidence of the calamity, and it's even more absurd since Crazy Steve has NO experience working with a team. At most, Jason Todd existed at some point, but that's it. He doesn't know anything about metahumans aside from maybe what Amanda Waller mentioned to him at the end of the equally abysmal Suicide Squad. Further more, he just starts trying to collect these people without explaining why they should just arbitrarily trust a man they just fucking met who dresses up like a giant fucking bat. I mean, would you? Really? Especially knowing that he tried to kill Superman on incredibly flimsy reasoning? How do you know he won't immediately turn on you if you turn your head and cough and seem like a threat to him? Crazy Steve had no way of knowing aside from Diana that any of these people were stable enough to form a team and try to fight an unknown enemy. It was so rushed. He just whisks them away and doesn't blink at revealing his secret identity to four perfect fucking strangers (though Diana arguably doesn't count; she's much more level-headed and hasn't shown a propensity for losing it at the slightest provocation.)

-There is no team dynamic. At all. It's just a room full of superpowered people. The closest thing to a relationship is between Crazy Steve and Wondy, and even then, they maybe have three whole fucking conversations, and none of them are beyond superficial. It's like the movie was afraid of making an actual development, so it just kept throwing inane quips around in the hopes of distracting you from the fact that there are no characters. The whole reason the Justice League itself as a concept excites me is because you have this room full of colorful personalities with different backgrounds who come together for the common good and want to help mankind and protect the innocent. We don't know barely anyone's motivations because this movie is running off the fumes of a bad sequel. We know Wonder Woman's motivations for the most part, but having the JLA movie before her sequels still leaves a large piece of the mythos missing because we don't know how she adjusted to modern life. We don't know if she lost faith in humanity again or where she stands because we were still in the 1940's when we last saw her. Cyborg's backstory is mentioned, but his motivations are also non-existent. We get the whole "I'm a monster" thing but they immediately move on from any possible origin or explanation of what he's going through and what he wants to do since he's got these abilities but could be seen as a freak to normal people. The Flash also got a driveby explanation, but again, without prior films or history, we basically have to guess what motivates him. I know Barry Allen because I'm a comic book fan, but your average person may not. It's completely unfair to them that you just jump from place to place without explaining how Barry got his speed, why his father's in jail, and why he just jumped at the chance to fight crime despite the fact that he doesn't know how to fucking fight apparently. It's so discourteous to the character to slap him in there and not tell us why. Why does he want to help anyone if he's scared? Why isn't he insanely rich by now from the various ways he could use his speed? And then, fuck me, Aquaman is the worst of the bunch. They make no attempts to explain anything about his background. Who is the red-haired lady? I know it's Mera because again, I am a comic book fan, but the chances that your average moviegoer knows are astronomical, and so they get to sit there completely confused about who she is and what she can do and what she means to Arthur. We don't know why Arthur was just chilling out around that one village and why he gave a single shit about humanity or how he got his powers or just...anything! Anything at all! Other than he's really mouthy and has a nice chest. Look, I might be able to overlook the depressing lack of explanation, but none of these characters bond with each other or have any reasons to care about one another. There are no human aspects to them because the only one so far who has been fully explored as a character aside from Wonder Woman is Crazy Steve. Crazy Steve got some development in BvS, but certainly not enough for you to emotionally connect with him because he was a revenge hungry psychopath in the previous film. The entire fucking point of the League is to see these interesting people butt heads, but then laugh and get along with each other and get ready to protect their home from threats. Here, they're just doing what Crazy Steve tells them to do because...reasons.

-Superman's resurrection. Holy fucking shit. I just spent the last twenty minutes ranting about this to one of my friends. Where do I even start with how goddamn stupid this shit is? It comes out of fucking nowhere. After this hastily slapped together team fights Steppenwolf one time, Crazy Steve in true Crazy Steve fashion decides that we should disgrace the dead and bring Superman back. Crazy Steve has no fucking idea how the Motherbox works. None. He has done no research, he has no knowledge of Kryptonian technology, nor is he at all aware of Darkseid and the New Gods' technology. But he's like, "Nah, bruh, we all suck and we need Superman." As an aside, I am really angry at how this movie is sucking that Kryptonian cock too. How dare you. How dare you imply that these badass heroes who were doing just fine on their own in the comics and animated shows need Superman like he's their fucking babysitter. Maybe if you had established the team dynamic and established the characters, they'd be able to fight better. Crazy Steve took one fucking look at the team that had been together a grand total of like four fucking hours and decided they were all gonna die without Superman's help. It's not only reckless and poorly thought out, it's honestly insulting. It's insulting that Crazy Steve would drag Kal El from heaven (because, for real, it's entirely possible he was in literal paradise and you sorry motherfuckers took him away from his parents and his loved ones of Krypton for your selfish asses) just on the assumption that the team wasn't strong enough. My God. I am just floored by this development in the movie. It pisses me off that the movie just shrugs and acts like it was for the best to spit in the face of God and drag Kal back to earth. Maybe you shouldn't have killed him in the first fucking place, you shitlords. And it's more frustrating to me since in the comics, after DC panicked and wrote in the "regenerative coma" that they didn't just use that instead. I'd be less angry if they introduced the idea that he was never dead to begin with, but in the death-like coma. It's a cop out, but it's better than literally Frankensteining Superman from heaven to fight your fucking battle for you.

-The dialogue is painful. So painful. It is so tacked on. I went to the theater tonight at 3:50pm and I'd say there was maybe 20-25 people in there and they laughed twice. You heard me. Twice. That was an almost two hour movie, and the audience only laughed twice. Hell, I only laughed once, and it was at the end credits scene where Superman jokes that The Flash is off the team if he loses. That was the only genuine line that I heard out of this movie. It's so apparent that the studio was trying to course correct the film away from the drab, hopeless "vision" of Zack Snyder. It doesn't work. The humor misses by a mile because it's just so awkward. These versions of the heroes take themselves way too seriously, or the quips are directed at the wrong characters. Aquaman is introduced pretty much as a dumb dudebro with a devil-may-care attitude. His snarky dialogue is fine, but when you try to have Crazy Steve the focus of a joke, it falls flat since he's a killer and an asshole and the levity doesn't feel right. There's a little tingle on the back of your neck from how awkward it is when someone makes a joke and then there's this awkward silence afterward because the movie assumes you need a minute to laugh. No, movie. No. If you want a joke to land, you need either timing or context. Pointing out the fact that Crazy Steve wears a batsuit isn't inherently funny. You need context. The "I'm rich" line is a better example of a joke that should have landed, but didn't because it was in the trailer. That has context. That is humor. Just having The Flash say things out loud that he sees isn't funny. Having him be awkward around Crazy Steve isn't funny because the two of them don't know each other and Crazy Steve is mostly straight-faced and so the lines slide off of him like dung. Diana is a better example, as she gives off a very warm presence. For example, Cyborg remarking that Diana needed to keep the merman off him almost landed because the two of them have at least held a conversation and so it feels natural that he might finally make a joke around her. It also landed better because Diana is definitely the only one who appears to have a heart. Everything else is just a vain attempt to lighten the mood, but it just clashes with the deadly serious tone everything else is shot with.

-Not explaining the mythology. Jesus Christ. I'm one of those people who believes that you cannot make a film and just sneer at your audience and go, "Oh, just read the comics if you want to know what's going on!" No. You are not allowed to do that. Film is not an add on. In a film, you are charged with telling a comprehensive story with characters who develop and change over the course of their adventure. That is storytelling 101, and this movie utterly fails. It does just like Suicide Squad where it just starts throwing names at you and not telling you who anyone is with the assumption that "only comic book nerds are watching this anyway" or "well, there are only children watching and they don't care to know who everyone is, they just want to see things get smashed." Wrong. You are wrong. We don't know Steppenwolf, we don't know Darkseid, we don't Apocalypse, we don't know Lanterns, we don't know Atlantis, we don't know jackshit as an audience! And yet they just jam all these names down your throat and expect you to be able to pay attention when you have about ninety thousand questions in your head during the course of the fucking movie. Films should find common ground with the audience. Some mystery is good. Throwing in small cameos or references can feel like a nice garnish to the mythology, but this movie just glosses over everything and thinks it's fine. None of this stuff has been established aside from Krypton and Kryptonian technology. You're doing everyone a disservice by refusing to lay the foundation for the villain and the premise of the plot.

-The effects are mostly atrocious. Out of everything I've cited here, this makes the least amount of sense to me. This is WB, for God's sake. Time Warner. You have all the money in the fucking world and this is the best you can do? I mean, the Dark Knight trilogy alone should have you funded for every superhero movie for the next ten years, and yet we get Henry Cavill's Uncanny Valley mouth as a result of the childish fucking dispute over his mustache, we get CGI that looks like it's from the goddamn Spawn movie at times, and then every single thing is shot from an obvious green/blue room that it feels like the fucking Phantom Menace all over again. I never felt like anything they were doing was real. I mean, to me, it felt like the only set in the whole fucking movie was the Batcave. They are so obviously on a soundstage the entire time and none of the backgrounds blend, and they don't even bother with smaller things like having the wind blow or the colors change or the shadows move to trick your brain into accepting the CGI. Oh, and why Digi-Bat? I'm flabbergasted as to why 80% of Crazy Steve's scenes are digital. He's the non-powered team member. Why wasn't it just a stunt guy? Was Ben Affleck really that fat and lazy that he didn't want to do any fight scenes? It was like watching a freaking PlayStation 1 game whenever he fought someone. My guess is that this project got rushed after shooting and reshoots and so instead of going over the effects with a fine toothed comb and adding layers onto them so that the scenes felt real, they just gave up and only touched them up. Now, I'm not talking about things like Cyborg where it was a front and center integrated effect. Even though I still hate his design (to me, he looks like a Black Ken doll head on a Terminator body), I believed he was there and moving around. Aside from him, though? Nah, bruh. I didn't believe anyone was doing anything.

-The fight scenes were worthless. Again, I'm confused as to how this was even logistically possible. Let's recap: we've got a guy who can run faster than the speed of sound,  a dude who can swim on top of Great White Sharks and punch craters into the ocean floor, a kid who has rocket boots and an arm cannon, a woman who can deflect bullets and shoot sonic blasts with her bracelets, a guy who can shoot lasers, fly, use ice breath, run faster than a speeding bullet, and is stronger than anything ever, and lastly a man who knows every martial arts style known to man on top of having a belt with endless nifty gadgets on it. Put that all together. You should be shitting amazing fight scenes, and yet everything last one of them was bland and forgettable. The true lack of passion in the film is what is on display with these boring fight scenes. It's so repetitive. Aquaman throws his pitchfork. Wondy swings her sword or hits her bracelets together. Batman swings. Flash runs and pushes. Superman punches. That's it. Are you fucking kidding me? I can name about a thousand different cool scenarios that we could have seen with these unique powers, and yet we saw the same moves with no creativity to them. Want an example? I personally thought the Wonder Woman movie was just okay, but I at least commend them for using her agility and her invulnerability properly to create excellent visuals for how powerful and capable she is. She smashes. She grabs and throws and uses combat techniques that a warrior race would know. It is very clear when she fights that someone gave a shit and wanted to make you feel like you were a part of the action and to give you something stunning to look at. Granted, I wasn't stunned because I've seen better, but if Wonder Woman had come out in the 90's before I had seen better, then it would have blown my socks off. The JLA movie's fight scenes are tired as hell and like the movie itself, it feels like they are just checking shit off a list. It's an afterthought. There's so little effort involved, and it matches the overall tired tone I was getting out of it all. I want to believe in these heroes. I want to be dazzled by them. I want to be inspired by them. I want the feeling I used to get when I watched the Nolan trilogy--where I knew Bruce Wayne as a character and as a person and I knew his limitations and his passion and his drive, but I also know how and when he was gonna kick some ass and that I was going to be able to enjoy the different creative ways I got to watch him kick some ass. Justice League does not have any of that vigor or wonder or splendor to its fight scenes. They are as thoughtless and calculated as the rest of the movie felt. You want examples? Pop in the first few episodes of the Justice League animated series. I implore you to sit down and watch the way that the team came together, even though we had the history of Batman and Superman previously. Then I want you to move forward to Justice League Unlimited. Watch those. Watch how they use their powers and personalities to not only provide fun, colorful, exciting fight sequences, but how the chemistry between the team members enhances the urgency of the fight and the overall enjoyment of the fight. That's what this movie is missing.

I can write another five pages' worth of criticism, but when I boil everything down to a single point it is this--the Justice League movie is a rushed, soulless attempt to cash in by manipulating the fans into accepting the massive lowering of their standards in our post-Dark Knight Trilogy years of DC/WB.

And I am begging the fans who have done this, accepted this movie and put on blinders to its problems simply because you love DC and you want to say that they made a good movie, please stop it.

I'm not saying you're wrong for enjoying it. If you did, good for you. But what I want you to do is stop letting them play you in this fashion. Because that's what they're doing. They know your heart. They know you have characters that you love that you want to see on the silver screen because they are important to you for whatever reason, and so you are purposely ignoring massive flaws so that you can enjoy what they are sloppily slapping into your eyeballs. I'm saying that you deserve the effort. You are worth the effort of making a movie worthy of these heroes we all love so much. I just want you to know that. You deserve a movie where everyone has a storyline and is developed. You deserve a storyline where the plot makes sense and the team has chemistry and a reason to be a team in the first place. Don't lower your standards so that this movie glides above them. Hold it to the right standards and demand that they do better next time. Don't give them a passing grade. You do have other options. You have the animated films, you have the television shows, you have comic books by the bucketload, and you can make a difference and demand that the filmmakers do these characters justice (cue rimshot) by telling them that this movie is a disappointment and refraining from going to see it again or from buying the DVD. Money talks. Hollywood will laugh off reviews, but that box office shock gets them every time. After all, even though the jokes were last second and tacked on, the fact that we all hated BvS made them change something to try to course correct. You did that. You made a difference. And you can do it again. You can help force them to give you the movie you deserve. You should want that. You should want that for yourself and I want that for you as well.

So if you gotta fight me, fight me. Fine. I'll rebutt you to the ends of the earth if you feel the need to go that far. I'm not trying to trash a thing you love. I love it too and I want them to put some fucking effort into these films and make them as amazing as they should be.

Until that time...I guess come at me, bro.

[davidmann95]

Comics this week (10/28/2020)?

Dark Nights: Death Metal: Rise of the New God: Not at all what was advertised, but that’s a good thing - that throwdown belongs in the main book. This instead sets up an interesting little oddball concept that acts here as a simple pseudo-DC-history-recap device and commentary on the larger storytelling going on in this event, but could go on to play a larger role. Not a ton of meat on the bone here, but I liked it.

Legion of Superheroes #10: There’s a big reveal panel here that channels the kind of Superman-related joy I’ve scarcely felt since All-Star, and in general this issue sets up a ton of interesting new avenues.

Action Comics #1026: Nothing to write home about, but there’s a neat format trick here - I thought it quite literally didn’t work due to some kind of miscommunication along the road to production, but flipping back through it was in fact pulled off successfully.

Wonder Woman #765: This ‘running gag’ and Wonder Woman’s borderline-indifference is incredibly uncomfortable at this point.

Justice League Dark #27: Okay I have *no* idea where the hell this is going from here, but I’m all about it.

Suicide Squad #10: I’m gonna need to see how this twist plays out in the last issue (beyond ‘Taylor wanted to use that character again’), but I’ll admit I look forward to rereading this as a whole after the next issue closes it out.

Batman: Three Jokers #3: I’ll go more in-depth later since several have asked about my overall thoughts on the series now that it’s done. For now, I’ll simply say that post-Doomsday Clock I’ve been convinced that beneath a patina of hackishness Geoff Johns and what he’s trying to say are sincerely pernicious. But guys...what...what if he really is just genuinely a dumb fucking idiot?

Anonymous said: I know you probably dropped that digital only “Superman Man of Tomorrow” book, I haven’t been following it too, but I just read #18 for some reason and I’m so glad I did! It’s entirely set inside what I believe is the coolest Fortress ever (with some great nods to the All-Star Fort Superman), and it’s a really solid adventure one-shot, I really recommend you read it, and if you do, please share your thoughts!

Anonymous said: Needed to pass this along but the latest issue of Superman: Man of Tomorrow by Brandon Thomas feels like something you would love even though it’s a one and done. It’s not Keatinge-tier but it perfectly captures that feel for the Fortress you talk about wanting and has Morse code eyeblinking between Superman and a flying shark.

Superman: Man of Tomorrow #18: I checked this out based on the recs above, and yeah, this one was a hoot! A consistently fun and clever Superman caper, far more than worth the $1.

The Immortal Hulk #39: HELL YEAH, by which I mean JESUS NO. Immortal Hulk is on that roll we love to fear again, baby.

X of Swords: Stasis: I don’t have the slightest clue what’s going on anymore.

Shang-Chi #2: Fun! I’d drop it if it were an ongoing, but this definitely has me onboard for the rest of the mini.

Fantastic Four: Antithesis #3: Not all I’d want from Adams’ crack at the team or probably Waid’s final Marvel project for the time being (if not ever?), but a decent time.

Giga #1: I just don’t seem to vibe with Paknadel the way a lot of folks seem to, and I couldn’t much follow what was happening here anyway.

The Department of Truth #2: Yes, it does indeed keep up the pace after that gangbusters opening. It’s also however a product of rotten timing: a character is introduced here who is if not deliberately Warren Ellis-esque definitely fits that mold, who is major enough that he was surely conceived of prior to the book’s announcement in June 2020, the same month as...well.

Blue In Green: An Image Comics horror OGN covering the days immediately following the funeral of a struggling musician’s mother by Ram V, Anand RK, John Pearson, Aditya Bidikar, Tom Muller, and Ryan Brewer. I want to talk about it as little as possible plotwise beyond that it deals with legacy, art, and sacrifice, but the stylistic vibe here feels like a massive evolution of Morrison and McKean’s Arkham Asylum, meshed with incredible poetic diction and a musty air of nostalgic regret. This is easily one of the most gripping and impressive projects to come out of the medium in 2020, and deserves any and all sales and accolades it manages.

Slaughterhouse-Five: This OGN actually came out several weeks ago, but I only just got around to reading Ryan North and Albert Monteys’ adaptation of the classic, and while my college memories of the source material are too vague to comment on this as an adaptation, this is a towering work in its own right and can’t be recommended highly enough.

[superteenwolftrash]

Grocery Store/Damon Salvatore Smut

Most of these are taken from my Wattpad account! (Twtrash01)

Send me requests for the following Fandoms: Teenwolf, Vampire Diaries, Dolantwins, OUAT(Peter Pan, Robbie Kay, Supernatural, Suicide Squad, The 100. Basically I’ll write for any fandom. I’ll write non-smut as well. Be specific in what you want! *I DON’T OWN ANY GIFS*

Request:  Hi could you do a smut where Damon and reader are in the grocery store and the reader teases damon by buying bananas,susages,and so on then damon takes her to an empty part of the store and fingers her then as their checking out of the store some one flirts with reader and she flirts back to make him jealous and then they have sex in his car. Ps can there be dirty talk 🙂❤❤❤

"Damon as a Human I need food, Okay? Like real food. Literally all you have in your house in a can of olives from the nineties." I explain to Damon, he groan in annoyance. Damon hated grocery shopping, he never seemed to grasp the concept of a good home cooked meal. I grabbed the cart and Damon followed closely behind me. "Let's just get this over with. You're the one who decided to wear that dress that's making me want to take you right here." Damon said nonchalantly. The women in the isle scoffed, clearly disgusted. I gave her an apologetic smile, as soon as Damon and I left that isle I slapped his chest. "Ow! What was that for?" He asked, rubbing where I just hit him. "You know what that was for." I glared at him, "She's just jealous because she's not getting any this." He said with a smirk, gesturing to himself. If he was going to make this difficult that so was I. We went over to the produce section and I found exactly what I was looking for. "How about I make breakfast for us tomorrow?" I ask him, "Banana pancakes?" I ask, raising a brow. I slid my fingers over the bananas, I felt Damon's eyes linger on me. "Damon?" I asked, turning to look at him since he hadn't answered me. "What? Oh yeah that sounds great." Damon said absentmindedly, "We can get some sausage to go with it!" I said with a smile, I saw Damon swallow hard. Damon walked a head of him and he was heading into the opposite way of where we needed to go. I just followed me, figuring he needed to grab something. He looked back at me and moved his his, gesturing me into the isle. I turned into the isle only to find it empty, I stood there for a second confused. Maybe he turned down another isle? I went to turn around when I felt a body press against my back. The familiar smell, I knew it was Damon. I felt his erection pressing against my lower back, a small laugh leaving my lips. "You think it's funny? You teasing me?" Damon asked, his voice was deeper than normal. He quickly spun me around to face him, "I think it's funny just how easy it is to turn you on." I smiled innocently. "Wrong answer." Damon breathed out, I felt his fingers trailing up the inside of my thigh. "Damon.." I glared at him, "What?" He smirked, pushing my panties to the side. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't just as easy for him to turn me on. "There's people all over this store!" I whispered to him, "Then you'd better be quiet." Damon chuckled, his fingers finding my aching core. A gasp left my lips when he started rubbing my clit, he pressed my back against the shelf of multipurpose flour. I held onto his shoulders, "God." He groaned, "You're so fucking wet." He mumbled, pressing his lips against ear. "D-Damon.." I stuttered out, not trusting my voice not to scream out. He slipped two fingers into my entrance, he didn't move until I ground my hips against his hand. I felt him smirk against my skin, "Come on Y/N. I thought you loved teasing?" Damon whispered, I did. But only when I was the one teasing. "Please." I moan quietly, he started thrusting his fingers in faster. If I wasn't trapped between Damon and this shelf I'd be on the ground at this point. My nails dug into Damon's biceps as I held onto them for dear life. "I want you to cum for me. Right here. Where anyone could just come around that corner and see me fucking you." Damon enunciated each word, his voice getting raspier with each word. That sent me over the edge and my teeth were digging into his shoulder. Muffling the cries the left my lips as I came. Damon pulled his fingers out, a very prominent smirk on his face. I held the onto the cart, my legs still being shaky. Damon made sure my eyes were on his when he brought his fingers to his lips, sucking them clean. His eyes seemed to darken as he groaned, "I'll be right back." Damon smirked before looking up into the security camera that was pointed right at us. I had no doubt that Damon was going to get that tape, we'd probably watch it together. I finished grabbing a few essentials, just wanting to get out of there. Damon met up with me at the checkout with a devious smirk on his face and a tad of blood in the corner of his mouth. "Did you?" I asked him, "The guy is fine." Damon assured me. We put our grocery's on the check out belt and the person checking us out was a semi attractive boy who looked to be around my age. I smirked as I leaned forward, exposing my breast a bit more. Damon seemed oblivious until I spoke, "Wow look at the muscles on you!" I spoke in awe. The boy wasn't nearly as fit as Damon was, "I work out a lot." The checkout boy spoke, with a blush. It definitely shows." I pause, "Sam." I say reading his name tag. "Y/N sweetheart?" Damon said, running his hand down my back. Squeezing my ass when his hand reached it, causing me to gasp. "Why don't you go wait in the car, I got these." Damon spoke, glaring at the poor checkout boy. "Sam and I here were having a nice chat." I whined, Damon gave me a look. It was then that I knew I had him, "I'll see you around." I said sweetly to Sam before making my way out to Damon's car with his keys in hand. I leaned against Damon's car, waiting for him to come out with a smirk on my face. After a few minutes I saw Damon coming out of the store a scowl on his face. He opened his trunk without saying a word to me, tossing the groceries in. "Aw baby what's wrong?" I asked innocently, "Get in the car." Was all he said, slamming the trunk closed. I tried to make myself seem not excited but you could probably feel it radiating off of me. "Back Seat." Damon demanded, I didn't question it. I just crawled into the back seat, a gasp leaving my lips when I felt Damon slap my ass. It wasn't just a playful slap either, but it definitely turned me on. "You know what that was for." Damon said, mocking me from earlier. Damon then moved into the back seat with me, without hesitation he grabbed me by my hips and pulled me into his lap. I felt his erection brushing against my bare thigh under my dress. He's had one this whole time, that's why he was frustrated. I as if almost instinctively started grinding my hips down against him. A groan left his lips, he pressed himself up against me. "As much as I'd love for you to ride my cock you need a punishment." Damon said, setting me back down onto the leather seat. He moved so he was in between my legs, his hot breath trailed over my neck. He reached between us and unbuckled his pants, pushing them down just enough to get his cock out. He was so hard it looked almost painful, he actually ripped my panties off. They were in pieces and before I could even get a word out his cock was buried into my pussy. A scream fell from my lips as Damon pounded into me. "Who do you belong to?" Damon groaned, "Y-you!" I stuttered out, my legs wrapping tightly around his waist. "Who makes you feel like this? Who's the only one who can make you cum as hard as I do?" Damon practically seethed. "You Damon!" I cried out, "You're the only one!" I gasped, his cock hitting that spot that could bring me to my knees. "I'm the only one who gets to fuck you!" He groaned, his hips sputtering out of rhythm. "Fuck!" He groaned, he thrusted his hips hard as he came. The sound of his voice was enough to make me cum, so this had me there in no time. I clenched my pussy around his cock, as I came. His name leaving my lips in a scream, "Let's go home and watch that tape." Damon said with a smirk, pressing his lips to mine.

[2ofswords]

Since I am so tired of reading „I know Dankovsky sucks and his ending is horrible“, before every comment that defends him, I will now throw myself into the fires of discourse and write an essay about:

Why The P1 Utopian ending does not mean, Danko is an asshole

(A bit of swearing and a lot of spoilers under the cut)

Since I already spoke about being tired of disclaiming a lot, here are some of them. Firstly: This is NOT a comparison and I am definitely not saying, that his ending is better than the ending of the Haruspex or the Changeling. That would be ridiculous and I wholeheartedly belief that the other characters have morally better endings. (Though I will make one ending comparison at the end of this essay just to make myself even more of a hypocrite and there will be a comparison of one aspect of all three P1 endings, that is not made to compare their general quality but… well… this specific aspect of the ending.)

Also this essay isn‘t about Dankovsky not being an asshole. This is not a character analysis, I am only talking about the ending and his relationship regarding his path towards it. There are entirely different arguments to be made about his character that I will not talk about. Surprisingly a character is not only defined by the outcome of their story.

And last but not least the weirdest disclaimer of them all: While my arguments try to defend Dankovsky in his ending I totally understand if you still think his ending makes him more of an asshole. Killing a lot of people is always a dick move and the decision is still a horrible one. I do not really want to argue that people are wrong for judging him based of his ending. I just want to explain, why we also do not have to feel ashamed for deciding to not judge him as a complete asshole based on the main outcome of his route and why his motivation isn’t only based on spite or even ruthless calculation. Also, I think that there is a lot to say about his decision, that isn’t really said and that these are interesting aspects. Sorry to say it, but I just wanted to have a catchy title. I just really love this ending and it’s complexity and wanted to discuss it aside of calling it the evil Danko ending.

So. Let’s start with the easy argument that some people are talking about.

Argument 1: Danko completely lost it and holding him accountable due to his rationality defies the point of his route.

This one is… one of the weaker arguments, but I will still elaborate on it. The entirety of his route is built upon loss and failure. While the Haruspex starts with a mob that wants to kill him and works his way up, the dynamic of his route is him seemingly starting on top of everything and slowly loosing his bearings and by the end of the story this man is already driven to madness. Being used as a pawn in politics, getting daily “fuck you”-letters from the Powers that Be, realizing your lives work is already destroyed and all of your colleagues are probably as doomed (and being the one responsible because he was their leader), realizing that Aglaya – who was the one person who seemed to be his ally at the end – used and betrayed him just like everyone else, having the one truly honestly kind person commit suicide at least partly because of his failures, witnessing his own helplessness against the plague (an enemy that should align with his expertise as a doctor), being hated from day one by almost everybody in town, realizing that the political allies are totally bonkers and also preparing to off themselves (Victor! You seemed moderately sane at the beginning. The betrayal!), getting almost beaten to death while trying to help the town while spending all these days in an hostile place that slips into chaos… yeah I think you really aren’t in the headspace for rational thought. It is a miracle that that guy hasn’t completely broken down and day eleven and to some extend day 9 and 10 are showing him as completely unhinged already, only leading up to a decision, that isn’t really made out of spite or coldness but rather desperation and blind tunnel vision. The day eleven mission involves him going on a rampage against a military squad because of a vague hint and he only checks after the killings, if Andrew is even there. That isn’t a calculated action it’s about a man being completely shattered and making everybody suffer because of that. (Which is also horrible, but an entirely different sort of tragedy.) By now he just shouldn’t be the one handling the situation at all but the local powers sure want to wash their hand of any guilt that they haven’t already attracted. Also – and more importantly – the Polyhedron literally is the one good thing happening to this man. After going into it on day 9 he thanks Khan for reminding him of a childhood he has forgotten! He has a shit week, he is completely beaten down (quite literally) and this is the one happy moment he finds in all this chaos. Clinging onto that is surely not rational, but it is human. We all know that the Bachelor has the tendency to survive on willpower alone and here clinging to the tower and its miracles is literally his only motivation to continue his route at all. Of course he is going to protect it at that point, if thinking about any other option bring nothing but utter misery and the acceptance of complete and utter failure. After all Dankovskys route is about the limits of his rational worldview and how it hinders him more that it serves him in a world, that isn’t defined by rational beliefs. Of course he will be out of it by the end and actually loosing his composure is an important part of his suffering and character development in the story. His ending is not a sign of rational thought but the last consequence of being enraptured in a web of circumstances that forbid him from making rational decisions in the first place.

Truth to be told, I don’t really like this as an argument. I love this thought as a peace of characterization. As much as I love his ending and the horrible consequences and the actual failure it imposes, when we look at the other playable characters. But it doesn’t really help us here. It doesn’t change the fact, that Dankovsky destroyed an entire town just for a dream, a man-made building, a promise of utopia that we never witness ourselves. He still destroyed so… so much! But… let’s look a bit deeper into the motivations behind that exchange.

 Argument 2: The Trolley problem

“There is a runaway trolley barrelling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there are five people tied up and unable to move. The trolley is headed straight for them. You are standing some distance off in the train yard, next to a lever. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, you notice that there is one person on the side track. You have two options:

Do nothing and allow the trolley to kill the five people on the main track. Pull the lever, diverting the trolley onto the side track where it will kill one person. Which is the more ethical option? Or, more simply: What is the right thing to do?” (Wikipedia)

There is a variation to this question and interestingly enough it is one of the morality questions Aglaya asks in Pathologic 2: Would you push a man down a bridge, to save the children from a train? The curious thing is, that we can see all healers giving the same answer, (even if we have the choice to choose differently, since it is… you know… a dilemma). Necessary sacrifice is a constant of all three routes and every single protagonist has to kill in order to save a larger amount of people. Still, the game never answers moral choices with a simple answer and here with the Utopian ending we can see the darker side of this moral dilemma in full force (to a lesser extend this also applies to the Humble ending, since it also involves the Trolley problem, albeit on a smaller scale.) If we take the Kain’s studies about the focus and the soul seriously and see the Polyhedron as a method to ensure immortality seriously – or if we at least assume that Dankovsky wholeheartedly believes in that concept – than protecting the Polyhedron at the cost of the town suddenly becomes the Trolley problem at a significantly larger scale. The Polyhedron could ensure the survival of humankind but only at the expense of the town and it’s infected inhabitants. After all death is to Dankovsky but an affliction that can be healed just like the plague and consumes far more victims (if not all of them even if one would survive the disease). And that poses the question: When does the Trolley Dilemma stop working? What if there are two million people on the tracks and one million on the other side? What if there are hundred people on one and ninety nine on the other? What about five million vs. four million and nine hundred thousand? Can a human life be counted against the life of several others? If we look at the game itself and the healers answer in their daily life, it seems kind of simple: Yes, it is possible. The effort of saving is worth dirtying your hands after all. Risking at least your own life seems like a fair deal and no route really works without at least some degree of human sacrifice. But on this larger scale… it seems absurd. And… well… it is. But still. If we just try to empathise with the Bachelors mindset. If there is a possibility to cure humanity's mortality… if there is a sliver of possibility (and since Thanatica is destroyed the Polyhedron seems like the only possibility at this point)… what kind of sacrifice is worth preserving it?

I myself have my own answer to that question. In Germany the Constitution starts with the sentence “Die Würde des Menschen ist unantastbar” or: “Human dignity shall be inviolable.” (This is the official translation though a more direct translation would be “Human dignity is inviolable” which is more of a statement and less of a law) Even if the effect of that sentence in politics is very debatable and it is incredibly vague and not really a usable sentence as a law… I really like it. The human rights as a concept as well as equality can be concluded from the fact, that human dignity is something that cannot – under any circumstance – been taken away and is always a thing that must be considered just by being human. It is… nice. And it also means, that a human being cannot be seen as a mere object and has its own agency. A human being is not quantifiable in their existence by any parameter, be it birth, skin colour, gender, sexuality, religion, interests, talent, job, body, etc… It is incredibly important… and incredibly interesting in our scenario. Because if life isn’t quantifiable at any circumstance… the Trolley Dilemma has a solution. There is no way to tell, if one life can outweigh several others and deciding over their lives is something and judge over the worth of their live is something one should never do. Thus Dankovsky’s choice to save the Polyhedron and outweigh the lives of the infected seems morally wrong.

But… is that the answer the game has? Well… the artbook of Pathologic 2 states that the design of the game is about enforcing ambiguity and I would argue that the first instalment is no different. Firstly: In times of crisis lives become quantifiable. That is part of the tragedy. The healers’ lives are suddenly worth preserving, while others appear as nameless numbers in a daily statistic and caring about the individual dignity seems impossible. As already said the act of killing in order to preserve life is almost mandatory in every single run. So, what about human dignity? Can it even be preserved under such a dilemma? (And there is probably a point to be made about everybody being dolls and thus not even a being with dignity and agency at all… but I digress) Especially doctors have to face this dilemma and they have to make these judgement calls, weather they like it or not. The game doesn’t answer it but makes different variations of the same dilemma that we may judge differently. The Utopian ending is one variation.

What I want to say is, that – if we take the Kains’ believes seriously and see the survival of miracles against the law of nature not only as progress but as a question about human mortality itself – the question if the Polyhedron is worth saving is a very different one. I personally think that the idea of the focus still feels too esoteric to be a real point of interest but on the other hand… it is not like we haven’t some proof when we visit Khan and listen to his testimony. It is not that this place is above it’s miracles, and we know that a lot of the mysticism is grounded in reality, be it by the very real ways of the Kin or the past existence of Simon. So only thinking of the polyhedron as an abstract concept is… well doing it a disservice if we take the other parts as serious. Yeah it is made out of it’s own idea but… you know being like “it cannot exist but it can sure puncture the earth and kill everything” is… a weird way of thinking and it sure is a McGuffin (and even called that in the Artbook) but as we said, the game is about ambiguity and the only way to look at its existence is not only “evil tower of doom”. Is it worth keeping? Eh… I wouldn’t say so myself. I still think the Utopian ending is pretty shit and seeing the tower as salvation for our mortal lives is pretty farfetched. But the question for this essay is: Is it wrong to think, it is worth keeping? And from Dankovsky’s perspective, who sees it as the only possible chance of curing human mortality… Well… the answer at least isn’t as simple anymore. But – and now we are getting somewhere – the argument about the complexity of human value can be also made without even relying on Kain-Bullshit.

Argument 3: The Utopian Ending is the only ending, that completely gets rid of the plague (at least from Dankos point of view)

But wait you say, the other endings also defeat the plague! There even is a cure, something our beloved Bachelor of Medicine never archives. What is this lunacy?

Well here is the catch: A cure does not destroy its disease. Or at least it is an unreliable method. Sure, if everyone is cured and/or the disease helps to build antibodies, then it does help to get rid of it. But the sandpest seems to leave the bodies and not finding these remnants and antibodies is one essential part of the Bachelor’s route. It is the reason Rubin needs a living heart in the first place. The disease doesn’t seem to stay and no antibodies seem to be developed. (And even if I try to avoid material of Pathologic 2 in this analysis since there are differences in the Canon I still at least want to mention, that the Panacea as well as the shmowder do indeed not help against the disease after it is cured and a person can be reinfected. I do not know, if the same is the case in one and if you can test it out.) But if there are no antibodies, the cure could only eradicate the disease if every single infected person is cured at the same time. Good luck with that! That’s not bound to be a complete mess in this town!

This is backed up on day 12 in the Bachelor’s own route. When he is presented with the options the other healers have, he always asks both of them the same question: How does that ensure the future of the town? The Haruspex makes a cure yes. But what if the disease returns? After all the underground water he talks about still exists and there is no telling, if it will ever reemerge. It already happened once… The Haruspex doesn’t answer with “no, that will never happen”. He says that they will have enough cure if this is the case. An optimist, I see. And definitely not a satisfying answer if we consider a scientific perspective. What if the cure runs out? What if they find out too late and the plague spreads outside of town? A cure is not a waterproof system against plague. (You know what works better though? A vaccine.) Daniil's mission was always to eradicate the disease and this would not do the trick. Having only a cure is risky. And it might not be a permanent solution.

The same applies for the Humble ending. If one asks the Changeling what would happen if the blood of their sacrifice runs out she answers “There will always be people willing to sacrifice themselves” Which is… just great. Constant human sacrifice just doesn’t seem that sustainable. And it also means that there will be constant loss of human life. Something that might even lead to more sacrifice in the long run (although that would be a reaaaaly long run considering how long the sacrifice of the Clara’s bound is supposed to last.) But it sure as hell doesn’t make the plague disappear. What if there are no willing sacrifices? What if Clara is gone and there is no one to perform a miracle? Clara’s ending relies on faith by nature and putting your trust in it is easy from a player’s perspective but even harder when there are lives at stake, the success unsure and these questions to consider.

Dankovsky’s ending is built upon uprooting the plague and eradicating it. The problem is that it is everywhere and not easily destroyed. As Lara very adequately realised: There is no source. His ending is the consequence of that goal and even if it loses in every other aspect, this is the one, where it wins. It actually destroys the problem itself. Building a new town and keeping the tower it cannot reach, actively minimalizes the possibility of the plague reappearing. And a more permanent solution might save more lives than one that sounds more humane at the beginning.

Okay, to defend the Haruspex for a change of pace: In his route he actually does believe that his method eradicates the disease as much as Dankovsky is convinced that his solution does the trick. For him the source is the Polyhedron and the way, it wounds the earth. With it removed the plague will not reappear. But why should Dankovsky share this belief? No one tells him! The inquisitor says that the Polyhedron is the root of evil but there never is any actual proof for that. Even If the Polyhedron is partially responsible and Danko actually does acknowledge this, it is the bloody mess of underground fluids that are in fact the source (which is ironically confirmed by the Haruspex himself). As he tells the inquisitor herself at the last day: The source and the cause can be too different things. It already seeped through Andrey's spiral to the upper layers. The damage has already been done and in fact the Polyhedron is now the only save place, where nobody is infected. Everything else needs to be destroyed to eradicate the disease but why even destroy the Polyhedron? Wait. Why even destroy the Polyhedron? What good would that even do if we would consider it? What the fuck would Dankovsky even do with the destroyed Polyhedron, how would that save the town?

 Argument 4: Dankos ending isn’t about the town vs. the polyhedron at all!(From his perspective. It totally is for the player though!)

I experienced something weird while playing the Bachelor’s route in P1. And with that I mean that I experienced something weird, that I wasn’t already expecting. After hearing so much about the fabled Polyhedron love, assuming that he sacrifices the whole town for its sake and hearing from the inquisitor in Pathologic 2 again and again how obsessed he is, I waited for the revelation. The moment Dankovsky would completely lose it and become utterly and undeniably obsessed with the children’s tower. That moment… never happened. Or well… it happened remarkably late and with less impact than I thought. Until day 9 the tower isn’t even a point of interest to the Bachelor, which is two thirds of his route. But even after you witness the miracles of the Polyhedron yourself, you still can argue against its glory. You can agree with Aglaya on day 10, that it seems dangerous (even if that could also be tactics, but until this point there is not really a reason for that). Hell, you can tell Peter on day 12, that his ideas will always only exist in his mind and blueprints and that the new town they will create will not work out! That is so weird, if the result of his run is, that he sacrifices the town for the Polyhedron! Why is there always an option to speak against the miracle we want to save? Isn’t that completely strange?

If we take the town vs. polyhedron conflict serious then… yeah it is. But is this all, what his end can be about? I would argue against it. Because what finally tips him to his solution and completes his view on the map of the town isn’t the Polyhedrons glory: It is the towns underground water and the Haruspex telling him, that the deeper layers are infected. That is, when he flips his shit and he even has an “oh no, it can’t be!” moment. Weird, isn’t it? If he would be set about destroying the town, why agonizing over this information? But from his point of view it is a nail in the coffin, the realization, that the whole towns ground is seeping with infection and if not eradicated, it will reappear. The Bachelor doesn't have a cure and the Haruspex, while promising that he has a solution, sure as hell doesn’t explain how that would work and insists on arguing his own case without interference. (Which is completely understandable but doesn’t clear the situation.) The Bachelor has no means on his own to fight the plague outside of destroying the town. This is his only option to call of the bombardment of the Polyhedron and the tower and from his point of view, destroying the tower would archive absolutely nothing. It is free of infection, why destroy it? What would ripping it out do aside from letting even more blood seep out? In his own case, this would be completely useless, thus destroying the Polyhedron does not save the town! When the Bachelor flips the switch and guides the trolley in a different direction, he isn’t guiding it from hitting the Polyhedron to hitting the town. He guides the trolley from hitting the town and the polyhedron to only hitting the town! And by the way to only hit the town which his infected people while everybody else evacuates in the tower. (Which is confirmed by his ending cutscene, where people are actually present. After all it takes the healthy to built the new town). In his own mind, the Bachelor is saving people, not killing them! He does what he can so that the most of them survives and in his case, destroying the town is the only method to ensure victory at all.

If we stick to his own route – as I am doing right now – we have two counterarguments against this theory. The first one: But isn’t that only the failure of finding a better method? And: yes it is. As we already discussed in the first argument, the Bachelors story is about failure and the game itself is about necessary sacrifice, lose-lose situations and making the best out of a desperate hopeless scenario. Which leaves us with the question: Could Dankovsky have found a better solution? And… maybe. If he was more attentive, made different choices, would have been nicer to the Kin… There always are “ifs” but I would argue that the ones in this scenario are… pretty small odds for a change. He does genuinely try to inspect the abattoir and find a solution and ensure it’s safety and is almost punched to death as a result. The Kin regard him with absolute hostility, and for a good reason but it doesn’t help his case. Without Burakh's knowledge and caste-rights making a cure would be (almost) impossible. He isn’t allowed to do any normal doctoring the one time, he tried to gain some blood from dead people, multiple guards had to die in order to ensure this absolute act of evil to go unnoticed. Thus he has to rely on Rubin's secret lab. The possibility of Simon and his powers against the plague also aren’t usable�� The Bachelor doesn’t even get to see his corpse after all. What choice does he have other than eradicating the cause itself? It’s definitely not the elegant solution that he was hoping for but there is a reason for him switching to inspect everything after ruling out a living plague carrier. These are the desperate means of finding a solution when his own knowledge of medicine has already failed him and the hopes of providing such medicine are already dwindling. Saving the town is simply not an option, the moment itself becomes the source of the plague.

The second counterargument is this one: Why not side with another healer, when they provide a better solution? And this is also a very valid argument. And thus, the moment it becomes an option, we as the Bachelor can choose to do so. If he has the cures that are necessary to ensure another healers victory, it is completely possible to avoid that ending. He doesn’t have to stick with it as well as the other healers do not have to, so judging him based on the other routes being better outcomes becomes obsolete. He has the ability to use these options, but if we lack the cures, his own solution is the only one. (Of course you can also save the other characters bound and then still decide to destroy the town, but using this scenario as his only motivation, when you can totally decide for yourself is a bit harsh, isn’t it?)

Of course, this argument collapses the moment we play any other route and he is trying to convince us to save the Polyhedron and abandon our own plans. However his own route can be considered his own perception of the story and our knowledge, how much he knows about the others paths is pretty limited and dependant of our choices as the player. Also, seeing his character and the changes made with that in mind, we can actually explain, why they appear. Of course, everybody tells Artemy how much the Bachelor is in love with the tower, when we’re not seeing it to that extreme in his route! It is necessary to fulfil his role in the Haruspex route. Of course, both the Bachelor and the Haruspex will appear as demons in Clara's route. They do offer nothing but destruction from her point of view and both solutions seem destructive and spiteful, if they try to convince her. Everybody seems on board with seeing the characters in her route differently, but I think that the same applies to the Bachelor and the Haruspex in each other’s route, since their roles in the game changes. Or at least the perspective changes based on the others worldview. The Haruspex seems a lot more dangerous and his medicine a whole lot shadier, while the Bachelor seems to be more in love with the tower and ready to abandon everything for it, because it seems that way in comparison to the other persons knowledge of the situation. This is also backed up by the doll ending, where the Bachelor is being called out as the villain most of the time. In other routes he appears more villainous than in his own route, because we do actually have the means of comparison. But this is our perspective and not actual character motivation. We as the player do have the choice to work toward an ending. We can with our knowledge of the game go the extra mile to secure enough cures from the very beginning and help another healer. We are aware of the fact, that Clara and Artemy are other playable characters and we know from the very beginning that their beliefs have to be of value and their solutions will be backed up by their own routes. We know the opposition these characters stand in and while we see the different routes we may judge them for ourselves. And while Clara definitely knows and the other two healers show some sensibility towards this opposition (the “left hand, right hand”-quote comes to mind), at least the male healers are basing their decision upon their beliefs and not some outside point of view (while Clara watches and not-so-silently judges them). They even try to help each other and even provide the key insight to their own plan’s destruction (the Bachelor guides the inquisitor eyes to the Polyhedron and its structure, while Artemy outright tells Daniil of the underground infection). Of course they do not have the full picture! How could they, this entire game is about them not having it and making terrible mistakes! Dankovsky doesn’t have the ability to judge his own solution how the player does. And while judging his ending based on this information is completely valid and sensible, implying that he knows this detriment and still goes through with everything feels… a bit unfair to say the least. The conflict of the town vs. the polyhedron is an important debate in the game. And yes, Dankovsky's role is being the advocate of the polyhedron, but man, this guy has the tendency to get manipulated into advocating random shit! The town vs. polyhedron debate is as present with him, as it is with the Haruspex. With the Polyhedron being the source in his route, he really has no choice but to remove it. After all, this guy really has no reason, to protect the Polyhedron. Of course he doesn’t! He would never sacrifice the town for the sake of his own ideology!

 Argument 5: Let’s talk Nocturnal!

I promised one comparison, didn’t I? Still, we are now diving into abstract talk about the games’ themes and less about character motivation. Consider this more of a bonus and a different thought and less as an argument for Dankovsky himself. Comparing one ending to a different one does not make one of these characters more or less of an asshole. And comparing Pathologic 1 to Pathologic 2 obviously doesn’t tell us anything about the canon of either of those games, since they have vastly different results and we have no idea what the Bachelor’s endings will look like in Parhologic 2 (though I would be surprised if we couldn’t destroy the town and save the Polyhedron. But who knows, in Artemy’s case the army only pisses off.) Still, I think it is very interesting to talk about both of these endings side by side.

And I will begin this comparison by telling you that I love this ending! I am so happy that it exists and I think it is glorious and I think it’s existence is really important. I am so happy that Artemy has a reason to destroy the town. But is this okay? Or – as a comparison – is this a better idea than the one Dankovsky had?

I would argue that these endings have a lot in common. They both preserve their own ideals and establish a radically new order at the cost of the town itself. They both kill a shit ton of people for the miracles they have witnessed along the way. One could even argue that the Nocturnal ending is more horrifying. Firstly, more people die. While the Bachelor saves the uninfected, Artemy saves only those who “live with earths will” which seems to be like… the ten guys chilling in the abattoir and some of the kids. We know that there are only mere hundreds of people left of the kin and since everybody in the termitary doesn’t seem to count… who even gets saved? It’s at least as vague as the question who isn’t infected and can be saved at the Utopian end. But – more importantly – Artemy definitely has a choice in that matter and decides to sacrifice the town for the sake of the past. (If you’re not me. In my playthrough I got the courier note twenty minutes before 22:00 and the game was like “what are you going to do, such a hard choice” and I was like “I literally do not have the time to get this thing to town hall”. And then Aspity was like “you made your own conscious and completely willed decision” while Artemy just awkwardly stared at her…) But even disregarding that, the ending is surprisingly similar. Yet I see no one judging either the Haruspex or his ending for being overly cruel and well… killing a lot. Actually, I only read posts defending it and saying that it is as morally okay as the diurnal ending and could also count as a good end. And… I kind of agree. The sacrifice of the diurnal ending is pretty steep and destroying some species – while the worms, herb brides and albinos definitely show human qualities – is pretty fucked up as well and preserving them can seem worth the cost. (Oh my, do not say we arrived at the problem of human value again!) Still… It is destroying the town for its miracles. That is literally what this ending is about, yet our asshole sense does not tingle at all! Why is that?

I think there are two arguments for this difference between our outlook on the Nocturnal and the Utopian end. The first one is that the Kin and its culture is very endangered and protecting it just seems more morally sound than protecting some rich dudes. Which is very fair and the Kains are very fucked up. Buuuut, it isn’t like there is the termitary quest that preludes the diurnal ending. Finishing the game doesn’t exactly mean that we abandon the Kin. Part of its beliefs and culture, yes. Definitely, and as I said I still think the Diurnal and Nocturnal ending are pretty balanced. But a part of the Kin is assimilated and is coping and while protecting its culture and very real traditions is completely valid, the Nocturnal ending also destroys parts of the Kin (the Termitary part) as ill fitting for living with the earth…. So… hm… It’s not as easy as saying “but you help the Kin in one and some rich dudes in the other”, since the Kin itself are also torn and we are still only allowing a specific way of living. A specific worldview containing the miracles of the town… On the other hand, the polyhedron and its miracles can also be considered endangered and unique. It is a one of a kind structure as is the miracles it can provide. The Stamatins are pretty unable to reproduce it, as the game likes to tell us and destroying it would destroy all hopes of a one in a time event to come to life. Also there are talks about the Utopians being a faction of the entire town with one third of the population agreeing on their beliefs (as it is the case with the other ideologies). And the plans Peter and Maria make do sound interesting, dreamlike and… well unique. Something that can also only happen in this circumstance. But alas… we do not know that much about it and their word is only what we have. And this is the second aspect that makes the Nocturnal ending more relatable: Buildup. We witness first-hand what this Nocturnal world would be (sometimes for better and sometimes for worse), we know the beings and the miracles of the earth. We do not really get in touch which the utopian ideas and only have the rambling of good old Georgji which… yeah that doesn’t help their case! But there are kids calling this new town an “eternal adventure” a miracle that can come to live and I would say, that this thought is quite beautiful. And it certainly is unique, which is the main argument of the Nocturnal ending. Wonders, plague and miracles. Destroy one and the other will vanish. So… what is worth keeping a miracle? The answer now seems even harder to grasp. Maybe even impossible.

But we also do not have every puzzle peace. I still have hope for the two different routes and with them there are the possibilities of new realizations and also new endings. I myself am really curious if we either get an option to save the town or a reason to destroy the Polyhedron as the Bachelor. (And I am very curious as well, if Clara will get a second ending. What would that even be? An all destruction ending to set everyone free???) There also could be more elaboration on the Polyhedron and its inner workings. Maybe we will even understand what the Kains are talking about! There are some allusions to a more concrete Kain worldview. The nut-game while very disturbing makes the entrapment of the soul way more real and gives the focus some context. (It also doesn’t only connect it with the polyhedron since “anything can be a focus. A polyhedron, a room, a nut”.) The same applies to the clocks and their connection to the save system, which makes the miracles of the Kains way more real. And I digress. Only time will tell.

 Conclusion:

I think it is clear by now, that this way too long text isn’t really about giving answers and more about perspective. I myself would say that the Bachelor’s choice is terribly misguided most of the time and the only possible method to save anything at best. But I do not think that it is made with its destructive force in mind. What I wanted to show is, that the motives and the narratives surrounding this ending are way more complex and also really, really interesting. (I just wanted to gush about this game!) As are the characters that comment on the situation at hand. And reflecting on how we judge them can say a lot about our own view and the world (this one as well as the Town on Gorkhon).