#sunday with a. headache that got worse and worse throughout the day… 5-6 hours into the fast was in agony and felt like i was going to ****

[pepprs]

ok i survived yom kippur. but it took every single scrap of strength in my body and i’m not completely better yet

[vael]

2019 Annual Review

Each year, I look back at the previous year’s annual review and note that things didn’t go as planned. For some reason I am always surprised, but this time it’s a little painful, too. From 2018′s Annual Review:

“2019 outlook? Sunny! I hope it will be my best year yet.“

Oh, Vael. You built your house, you moved to the promised land. But your year did not go as planned. You are not even close to the zen you craved.

It has been a wild year. This will run long. All I can do is stick to the format and hope my memory and average writing skill will do the year justice. So, as usual, we start with the positive.

What went well this year?

We like our house. We do. The builder was no good, resulting in some warped walls and a lot of headache getting them to finish everything properly, but the layout is very suitable for us. My office is exactly what I needed, our TV room has just the right space for us. We finally have a respectable kitchen. Since I’m living and working in the house 24 hours a day, it’s important to have a comfortable space.

Game development. For the past five years, I’ve put in some serious work. A lot of it was within my game engine, GAM3, and tinydark’s gaming network, The Orbium. While I put in a lot of work, not much came in the way of actual games produced. I finally rallied in 2018 and put out Bean Grower. It was designed to be a supplemental game, not a main driver, so it will not bring in sustainable income. I went on to think that I should open GAM3 up to other developers, license the engine out and collect a share of what they make.

I resolved to refactor GAM3: a word which means to rewrite and modernize many parts of it so that it’s easier to work in, and for it to present better. I would come to realize this desire to share GAM3 was due to a lack of confidence in myself to produce something great, and financially sustainable. Around the time I was realizing that multiplayer was the answer, I discovered Marosia.

Then we moved, I took on contract work, and things generally slowed for me for a few months, eking out what development I could. I played Marosia throughout and in August, it died. I wrote a teardown for it. The stars had aligned: though I had a lot of prelim work to be done, I would make a successor to Marosia. I managed to hype a few people in the community with a demo of GAM3 and I spent the next few months coding a chat prototype and generally organizing myself, and finally mid-November began the refactoring. It would end there, but just this morning (seriously) we learned Marosia was coming back. I had a momentary freakout but it’s ultimately a good thing for my own game.

I haven’t been more excited for a project in a long time. I never thought I’d be so excited to create a standard fantasy world, but it’s a ton of fun, with intricacies I never considered. The game’s design lends itself to a sustainable monetization model: I’m thinking $3/mo for quality-of-life upgrades, with a discount for buying in bulk. I would have paid double for Marosia, so I think this is fair. (6 months of die2nite is currently priced at $69, 6 months of Hattrick is $90!) And most important of all, I can do it ethically, with a game that truly means something to people.

Web development. I’ve learned quite a bit this year! I am so grateful for svelte. I liked but never loved React.js. It always felt ponderous to me. I have no doubt The Orbium’s refactoring would have taken me half the time it did if I were learning svelte vs. React, simply because React is so much more convoluted than svelte, and all in the name of uglier syntax. Svelte seamlessly integrates style and functionality into UI components, which means that if I’m working with a button that clicks to open a modal, everything I need for that button is in that one file.

Due to my contract work (with Harley Davidson, I can reveal) I also got some experience with Symfony and other modern development practices in PHP. PHP doesn’t really excite me these days, loathing having to produce views with it, but it is at least comfy.

My job. “Yeah, yeah.” I got a raise, most of which was contributed to getting Eve and my son onto my badass healthcare plan. We’re developing like it’s 2012, which is frustrating and makes even simple tasks take forever, but I can’t complain about the pay nor the stability of the company and my position there. I also work mostly remotely.

What didn’t go so well?

2019 was dominated by the bad. Eve’s not putting out an Annual Review, but our pain is shared.

The move. 11 months after the contract was signed, our builder was finally ready to let us move in. The house was not finished, just livable. So we rushed out of Rhode Island. We packed my car with everything we could fit, even removing the spare tire, but we got almost all of it. Me, Eve, our son, and our two cats.

At around 7:30 PM, we were driving on a dark highway when we were struck by a muffler that had fallen out from the truck in front of us. It destroyed the front-end, spilling radiator fluid onto the road. I had no idea what was going on, but it so happened that a mechanic had broken down right near us and was able to help. The engine barely carried us to the nearest motel, and I was in shock. I carried all our stuff to our second-floor room, it was even lightly raining. And I was defeated. Eve reports she had never seen me so bad. I had no idea how long we’d be in this ghetto-ass motel, what it would cost us during this time of great financial need, and mostly: I was just miserable. We could have died. If it had hit one of our tires, we could have spun out at 70+ MPH. All I wanted to do was get to our house the next day, and here we were.

I won’t detail the rest here, but I do want to thank my friends for their support and appreciate the good fortune that we got through this time.

We got to the house at 11PM on a Sunday; I still appreciate our builder taking the time to show us around so late. And... it was not at all what we were expecting. We had no driveway, and it had rained. We were tracking in some mud but that didn’t even matter because the entire house had to be cleaned. There was dirt all over the floors, they’d forgotten I didn’t want a chandelier over the dining room table, and the feeling was that we’d gone through Hell (and austure financial practices) to get here and this was it. So much wasn’t done. We knew that, but we didn’t think we’d be sweeping and wetting the floor with paper towel just to have a place to put our stuff. Shoutout to my friend Cody for setting us up with a supply drop.

We spent a lot of time buying furniture, aided by our rental SUV, all the while worrying about our newly purchased things sitting around the house without our protection as workers came in and out. I had to go back to Virginia to pick up the car and through exhaustion, caffeine, stupidity, and anxiety, managed to go 88 MPH and get myself a ticket: a misdemeanor, even. I spent the entire day picking up that damn car (5 hours up and down) and returned home in the worse state I’d ever felt. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically depleted.

But there was no stopping for me: I took on contract work and I had to get it done just to stay afloat. And then we got a fucking dog.

The dog. At some point in 2018 we determined that our son could use a companion and that a dog really completes the family. Leading up to the move, we put a down payment on a rough collie: the “Lassie” breed. They usually run around $800 and we got her for $500. I was a fan of the breed and Eve had done research that proves it’s a great breed. (it is) Even after the accident, we thought we should pay the rest for her and bring some joy into our life.

We named her Esme, and getting a dog was definitely one of the worst macro decisions I’ve made for the family yet. I couldn’t last more than a month with her. It was my decision to get rid of her, which made my wife and son sad but we were getting so little out of the experience. The cats beat her up, she was afraid of everything, and all she wanted to do was run around but we kept her cooped up in the house because we had no fence. I hated that there was still a dog smell, and I hated that it farted during Game of Thrones. It was over when we went grocery shopping and came back to a poop-filled crate, which the circumstances of the night dictated I must clean.

Young Living. Eve was supposed to sell essential oils for some side money. We knew it wasn’t going to be big money, unless she got lucky or turned out to be a natural-born saleswoman, but it was something to do and we believe in the products. I really trust in Young Living and I personally have seen the benefits of their oils and products.

So she went to the YL convention in Utah to learn to sell and, hey, have some fun. She returned feeling even less confident: they’d changed some numbers, and the truth that we always knew was that the market’s highly saturated. There are memes trivializing the effects of oils and there’s no denying the company’s an MLM. A lot of the big earners made their sales early on. Coinciding with the bad feels of Autumn, we decided to put the oil dream aside and focus on mental and physical health.

Eve mental/physical health. The muffler changed a lot for us. It morphed what should have been a very happy time in our lives into a very stressful one. Eve felt fatigued and broken down, and I wasn’t much better off. One day before her planned back-to-action, pick ourselves up and get ready to enjoy Summer, she sprained and tore a ligament in her ankle while coming down the stairs. We hoped it was just a sprain and did everything we could to avoid going to the doctor, but a week later she hadn’t gotten better and so began the PT and bullshit regimen. Our plans of hiking the blue ridge mountains were crushed.

But she recovered, and I shit you not, the very day before she planned to return to action, it was Father’s Day. She was making me my special breakfast and was using a hand-blender to blend pumpkin french toast mix when she went to clean some gunk out of the blender with her finger. It was a split-second decision to help make breakfast faster. Her finger twitched, caught the irresponsibly sensitive power button and tore her finger up. Immediately took her to Urgent Care and then the Emergency Room. $3,000 and some luck later, she kept her finger, but has permanently lost some feeling in it.

That was a bad time for us. I was overworked, she was miserable, and yet she still managed to get to Utah to learn how to sell. To salvage our year. In Autumn, all the anxiety, stress, and the damage from her upbringing finally culminated and she broke. 

Her physical health tanked in tandem with her mental. She suffered frequent menstrual issues and her EDS (a joint disorder) flaring up. It is hard to detail all the pain and frustration, and it really is beyond the scope of what needs to be said. My wife is depressed, prone to feeling overwhelmed, and I’m happy to say that we are getting her professional help soon.

What’s remarkable is that I can’t recall a period of time that she didn’t try her best to recover. Every month, most weeks, she would constantly express that the next day or month was her time. She’s done it for this month and 2020 as well. And I don’t think she’s lazy or unmotivated. She is just defeated and I am a poor comforter. Honestly, I am just shit at helping people if the solution isn’t “well just force yourself to do the thing.” That’s how I get through my problems and it doesn’t work for everyone, not even always myself. Still she is strong. I think writing this out has helped me remember that.

Relationship with my son. I had hoped my increased efficiency and happiness would improve our relationship. I planned for more structure: things like “once we’re upstairs for bedtime rituals, no going back down.” Each night I make a point to spend a minimum of 30 focused minutes with him. But I have only succeeded in making our relationship worse. I don’t think he needs professional help, but there is something within him, from when he was three years old, that just prevents him from being a hard worker. Respect is important to me and I don’t respect him. He is a frustrated child, often not understanding the world, often forgetting things he was supposed to do. I’m not doing a good job of helping.

I think I could have done better, but there were simply too many fronts to fight.

Mental performance. I haven’t gotten any better from last year. I am still not as sharp as 2017-Vael. It is a matter of stress and lifestyle.

What did I learn?

How to be a homeowner! Generally how to manage a home. I got my tools, all cute with my little leaf blower.

SLOWWWW DOWWWWN. The outside of the house needs some work. We need to extend our driveway, clear an acre, and put up a fence. I could take a loan out to do this and be fine, but I could also just slow down. Take a deep breath. Enjoy what we have for the Summer. It sucks I won’t be able to use that acre for farming, but I think I have a good place to plant a single apple tree this year. And hey, less mowing.

A shit ton of web development.

Probably became more cynical. But I think The Good Place has helped remind me to be a good person.

To just accept Eve needs help. And that I really suck at helping her.

Future Outlook

All that bad stuff that happened? Pfft. Shitty year. 2020′s here, it’s a brand new decade. I’ve got a cool game I want to make, we’re gonna get Eve some help, and...

Get pregnant! Yeah! Right now we definitely aren’t ready for kids. We need to use our new health insurance to make a bunch of appointments, recover  financially, mentally, physically. But we very badly want more children. I feel it all the time. I have begun to suspect that genetics do matter, and I wonder if Abel’s laziness mirrors his biological father’s laziness. My dad loved to work and I do too. It might be possible to pass these traits on.

Better office. I need to get some furniture and improve my work environment.

Vacation! We desperately need a vacation. We’re going to Disney this year, either May or June.

Zen Vael. I will attempt to be “the person I want to be” as detailed last year. My soft goal for this is March 15th, as I set last year. I will undoubtedly fail that date. There is no way I’m wrangling my sleep and attitude in the next two months, but surely by the end of the year?

Thanks for reading.

Vael

[hauntedyouthus]

COVID19

So, it happened. I didn’t think that it would happen to me but it did. I was tested for COVID19 and it came back positive. I had a mild case of it but even the mild case was scary. This is a wakeup call people… it’s not the flu. Not even close. Let’s start at the beginning… to when I was exposed…

               Saturday – I was working at a restaurant/bar where I work one or two nights a week for extra cash. It was Saturday night – a normally busy night that had thankfully been slow this particular day. I had a customer who was joking saying that they had left Philly because Philly had shut down all non-essential businesses (including restaurants and bars) due to an outbreak of coronavirus and they just wanted to party. They coughed a bit, but I attributed it to the fact that they were smoking. There was a live band that night and I had to get close to them to hear their order – not a good practice of social distancing. I made sure to wash my hands frequently and sanitize after going to every table. But I must have breathed it in or touched my face at some point throughout the night.

               Sunday – All non-essential businesses were closed throughout all of PA.  My manager reached out to me to let me know that the restaurant would be closed and I could work take-out if I wanted to. I didn’t so I turned down the offer. I figured I could use the time off to do grad work.

               Monday – I started feeling sick. Not COVID19 sick but off. I had some chest tightness, a slight cough, and was tired. Thought nothing of it other than seasonal allergies, it’ll pass.

               Tuesday – I woke up with chest pain that wouldn’t go away. It was all day. My cough had got worse but I still wasn’t worried about the cough. I was worried about the chest pain. It was so uncomfortable and I was really distressed by how it wouldn’t go away. I honestly was worried that I was having a heart attack. I reached out to my friend who is an ER nurse and she suggested I go to the hospital. I was stubborn and said I would just call the cardiologist in the morning.

               Wednesday – I woke up with chest pain again. Not as bad as Tuesday but still there. I called my cardiologist at 11 and they asked me to come in at 11:20… Sure. No problem. Hastily I got dressed, threw my hair into a messy bun and went. They screened me before I went in, gave me a mask, and within minutes they had me laying down hooked up to an EKG. The doctor saw the results came in and told me that my EKG was fine but based on my symptoms he wanted me to be tested further. He sent me for bloodwork and scheduled an EKG for Friday. He believed based on my symptoms that I had swelling around my heart which could be related to a matter of things including a viral infection. Went for the bloodwork, was given a mask, and at this point my anxiety was pretty high. I got home and felt like I was having a hard time breathing. Brushed it off as just anxiety. By the time I was getting ready for bed, my breathing had gotten worse and so had my coughing. I couldn’t sleep. Every time I lay down the coughing would get worse. I was gasping for air at some points. I was starting to get scared at this point. I still didn’t think I had coronavirus. I thought no way, not me. But I couldn’t breathe right and I couldn’t stop coughing. This went on the whole night but eventually eased up closer to 4 in the morning. I closed my eyes and fell asleep for about 2 hours. I was woken up by the sudden urge to try to take a deep breath. I couldn’t. I just gasped for air.

               Thursday – After not having slept and struggling to breathe all night, I was exhausted. I stayed in bed all day – sitting up and watching movies. My doctor called me with the results of my bloodwork that afternoon. Everything was normal including my inflammatory markers. He did mention that they were on the higher end of normal though. I was coughing a lot throughout the day and struggling to catch my breath after but it wasn’t as bad as the night before so I didn’t think anything of it again. I didn’t have much of an appetite all day and didn’t bother trying to eat. I thought at this point maybe I was coming down with something… still not thinking it was coronavirus. By the time I was getting ready for bed, my breathing was labored. I was struggling getting a good breath in. I was dizzy, tired, and just wanted to lie down but when I did the coughing got worse and I couldn’t catch my breath. I went through the night like this. At one point, I had to bend over on my hands and knees trying to get a breath in. It was around 2 A.M. at this point and I was fearful that I wasn’t going to get any sleep.

               Friday – I must have fallen asleep at some point Thursday night and woke up Friday fighting to get a breath in around 6 am. I was going to the cardiologist that afternoon for my ECG so I decided to try to be productive in the morning. I tried cleaning but was instantly exhausted and felt like I just needed to relax. I watched some movies on Netflix. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything Thursday so I decided to make myself a salad for lunch. I barely got through one bite of food before I was struggling again. I had to try to catch my breath and I was nauseous and dizzy. I ended up just lying in bed until it was time for me to leave. I got to the cardiologist, was screened given a mask, waited a few minutes and then was brought in for my ECG. The woman doing my ECG had to ask me to not try to take a deep breath because it was messing up her image of my heart. It was a struggle for me because I felt like I needed a deep breath even though I knew I was having a hard time anyways. When it was over and I went home, I felt a little better again thinking that whatever was wrong with me was passing… I was wrong. Friday night was the start of the worst of it for me. I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air for what felt like hours. I was scared. My head was pounding. My chest was burning. And then I got one good breath in. But that one breath led to a coughing fit which in turn resulted in me fighting to catch my breath for hours again. This went on all night.

               Saturday – Exactly one week from when I think I was exposed. I was so tired. Felt so sick and was now thinking something was wrong. My doctor called me early that morning with the results from the ECG and told me that the lining of my heart was swollen. It could be that it was irritated from me coughing so much but he said that he suggests I be tested for COVID19. I called my family doctor and did a telemedicine visit. She put an order for a test for me and I went right away. They took my vitals when I got there, my heart rate was high and I had a fever. Then came the test. The test was awful. I guess people say it’s basically like the flu test but I’ve never had a flu test before. They use a swab and stick it up your nose, twist it around and then do it again on the other side. It made my eyes water and my nose run but once it was over, it was over. I was told I would have the results in 7 to 10 days. I went home, scared and worried. My roommate went out and bought me some medicine to help manage my symptoms. All day Saturday, I was struggling to breathe, I was coughing, I had a headache, my chest hurt, and I was flat out miserable. I didn’t sleep again Saturday night. It was like Friday night all over again.

               Sunday – I had a low grade fever from the moment I woke up - 99.7. I was also so fatigued (probably because I haven’t slept in days at this point), coughing, struggling to catch my breath, and my chest hurt. I stayed in bed, feeling miserable and scared. I still haven’t eaten at this point but I wasn’t hungry. The reality was starting to set in that I might not be okay. I honestly didn’t think I was going to survive. By nighttime, I decided to try to sleep early. I took Mucinex PM to try to help me sleep through the coughing and difficulty breathing. Surprisingly, it worked. I slept through the night.

Monday – I woke up with no fever. My cough wasn’t as deep as previously so I thought that I was getting better. Breathing was a little easier – still a struggle but easier. I thought to myself – okay, it can’t be coronavirus because I’m already getting better. I still didn’t feel well but I felt like I could see the other side of this, the recovery. But it was short lived. Even with the Tylenol and Mucinex my fever came back by NOON. I was coughing again, struggling to breath, etc. My anxiety kicked in too at this point and my hands and feet were sweating and tingling and I was scared. I was literally open-mouthed gasping for air but unable to get a deep breath. I went through the whole night like this. Another sleepless night.

Tuesday – Low fever, headache, cough, but not struggling to catch my breath as often. I tried a little solid food but ended up having a coughing fit immediately after the first couple bites. I was weak and tired and my lungs felt like they were on fire after coughing. But I managed to sleep Tuesday night, thankfully.

Wednesday – Still coughing, still had a low fever, still struggling to catch my breath. I was doing better than Tuesday, though. I ate soup, drank a protein shake, and felt like I could be on the mend.

Thursday – I went backwards. I felt so sick again. I didn’t sleep well Wednesday. I was up constantly trying to catch my breath or cough.

Friday – Coughing a lot again. Any activity resulted in a deep cough and then 5 to 10 minutes of trying to catch my breath afterwards. But I ate finally. I actually had an appetite. My breathing was easier but still not great. After each bite, it took me a few minutes to catch my breath again before the next bite. That left me feeling exhausted and frustrated. However, I realized that I was doing much better today than I was a week ago. Progress has been slow but I am doing better.

Saturday – So that brings us to today – I got a call at 11 am this morning. They had my test results. The woman sounded chipper at first but immediately after I confirmed that I was in fact who I am, her voice got very low and she told me that I am positive for COVID19. It took me a little while to process my thoughts and emotions but I decided that I could use this to help others. I know every case is different but if someone else is going through a mild case and is scared or anxious, there is hope. I am exactly at two weeks from when I was exposed and I feel better. Not great, hell not even good, but better. The worst is over (hopefully) and I’m recovering. I still fight to catch my breath every 20 or 30 minutes and I still have coughing fits and eating is still a struggle. But I’m getting better and I refuse to stop trying to get better.

So people, please take this seriously. I was fighting to breathe for days and was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know if I was going to come out of this alive or not. Thankfully, I did start getting better. Thankfully it was a mild case. There are people out there that have it much worse than I did or do. Do your part and stay home. Self-isolation and social distancing is the only way that we can flatten the curve.

TL;DR – I have a mild case of coronavirus. I coughed a lot, fought for my breath, but I’m getting better.

[midwestwifelife-blog]

Our birth journey was nothing short of just that, a journey. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat disappointed with my birth experience. The hundreds of articles I read, handful of friends I interviewed and harassed with millions of questions, and multiple baby books I thumbed through didn’t prepare me for the actual thing. It is far from roses and sunsets, and I was honestly left some what traumatized. The beauty is knowing that every story is different, and you will come out of it on the other end with a beautiful life changing gift. 

Here is our story, and buckle up because it’s a LONG one. 

On Saturday night, November 10th, we arrived at labor and delivery for our induction at 7pm. They got us all checked in and settled into our room and began the process. The charge nurse, Jen, was super helpful and calming. She explained everything in detail and was there to answer any questions we had. She hooked me up, ran some tests and we were off to the races. They started my IV with fluids around 9pm to calm my cervix as I was having some pretty random contractions. She checked my cervix around 9:15pm. I was dilated at 1cm and about 60% effaced. I took my first oral cervical ripening pill around 10:20pm which I had to take every 2 hours with monitoring which meant I was stuck in bed and was only allowed to get up to use the restroom. We tried to get as comfortable as possible and hunkered down for the night in hopes to get some shut eye. Dad had no troubles sleeping and even impressed the nurse. I on the other hand had too much on my mind, and nerves that wouldn’t quit. The fetal heart rate monitor that I was hooked up to kept loosing the baby’s heart rate so around 2am she switched me to a wireless option in hopes I could get some sleep. I was having contractions about 2 to 4 minutes apart, but still pretty inconsistent and pain was barely at a 1. At 4am I was unable to take the second round of the cervical ripening pill because my contractions were getting pretty consistent. They kept a close eye on me and my pain levels. I was able to sleep for a 2 hour stretch and was feeling pretty confident I’d have a baby the next day. Boy was I wrong! At 6am I was finally able to take the second round. 

Sunday, November 11th. 

At 7:30am, Jennifer came in with our day nurse Cindy for shift change. She took vitals and set me up with the next round of medications. At 9am doctor Cheng came in to check my cervix and confirm a plan. I was still dilated at 1cm, with little progress. We decided to do another 12 hours of cytotek (cervical ripening) and to try a Foley balloon to widen my cervix. They were able to get the Foley balloon in, but caused serious discomfort and was SUPER painful. I couldn’t handle it in, and they decided to look at other options. Once they took everything out it actually brought on more intense contractions. We laid low the rest of the day, continued the cytotek pill with 2 hour checks and had Amber and Steve (Jordan’s mom and step dad) visit with lunch. My cramps and contractions became a little more intense, but no serious pain and went back to being inconsistent. I started to get pretty anxious as I was unable to get a clear plan of action from Cindy, and was told I’d be sent home in the morning only to start this process over in a few days. This had me worked up and super upset. Jordan’s sister came to sit with us for awhile and brought us some movies and coloring books. Boredom really set in. Once our night nurse, Rozina came on they were able to answer some questions about the game plan as she noticed I was pretty upset. They were able to get doctor Cheng to explain to us what was next in line for our journey. We were told we weren’t going home and that the miscommunication should have never happened. I would be finishing out my second round of cytotek and he would be breaking my water around 3am Monday morning to get the ball rolling and we aren’t leaving the hospital without a baby. Once my water is broken they would be able to start pitocin. This had us both relieved but set me up for another sleepless night with nerves and anxiety.  

Monday, November 12th 

Doctor Cheng broke my water at 5:45am. He noticed poop in the amniotic fluid which is common, and said baby G should be fine. They monitor the levels throughout the laboring process and make sure the NICU staff are on standby for when baby arrives to ensure nothing would be inhaled during delivery. They started pitocin shortly after which kicked in right away. I knew from all the articles and friends that have experienced pitocin that it isn’t a pleasant experience. My contractions were every 3 to 4 minutes gradually getting stronger. Amber came around 8:30am to spend the day with me and help as I labored, Steve came shortly after. 

Amanda was our day nurse and she was fantastic. She explained everything and was constantly checking on my pain level while letting me know my epidural was ready to go for whenever I needed it. Around 9am they upped my pitocin amount and at 9:30 i requested an epidural. 

The anesthesiologist came in within 5 minutes and it was placed at 9:45am. I took my glasses off so I couldn’t see the needle size but my husband said it was huge. Overall the build up of getting it was worse than the actual procedure and once it started to work, it was my best friend. At 11am they inserted a catheter and checked my cervix for any progress. To my surprise I was at 3cm dilated and feeling great with the epidural! My contractions on the monitor were beginning to look more intense. They had to stop pitocin around 2pm due to an irritated uterus which meant my contractions weren’t allowing my uterus to rest putting baby at risk.They flushed my system and had to start over once my uterus was back to normal. The baby’s heart rate was also going in and out on the monitors so they decided to insert an internal monitor to help gage how intense my contractions were and to get a more accurate read on baby’s heart. They started the pitocin back up again at 3pm. I began to feel extremely nauseous and had a horrible headache. She gave me some medications to help ease the symptoms. At this point I had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep total since Saturday night so they really wanted me to try to relax and rest while I could. Relaxing in a hospital is a joke.  

At 6:30pm the baby’s heart rate dropped shortly after they upped my pitocin. The nurses came in, flipped me to my left side and called the on call doctor. Amber and Steve were outside smoking and were stopped in the hallway on their way back in and were told to wait in the waiting room. Jordan’s face was white and he began pacing. They flushed out my fluids and stopped my pitocin again which helped with baby’s heart rate. They checked my cervix and I was dilated to 6.5 cm. Slowly but surely we were making progress. Jordan went to the waiting room to get his mom and step dad, and explained what happened. 

Around 8:30pm my contractions were looking strange on the monitor and baby’s heart rate kept getting lost with the monitor they had on my belly. I buzzed the front desk as I was experiencing some pretty bad lower back pain, and feared the epidural was wearing off. Jennifer, the afternoon nurse who was also amazing came back in to check my cervix, and see how I was doing. To our surprise I was 10cm dilated and ready to push. Unfortunately my epidural was wearing off, and having them restart it would delay labor so I was shit out of luck. Amber and Steve made their way back to the waiting room and Jordan packed up our belongings to make room for the medical team. 

Doctor Jenkins (the night doctor on call) came in to confirm my dilation, and by the time she got to me I was 10 +1 which meant baby’s head was in the canal and ready to go. This set me off into a full on panic attack. 

The entire second half of my pregnancy my doctors were preparing me for a c section because they didn’t think my cervix was going to even dilate in combination with such a large baby. Once I heard I would be pushing, without an epidural no less, my heart was telling me something wasn’t right which sent me into an even bigger panic. 

I had Jordan call amber back into the room because I couldn’t calm down. My anxiety was through the roof and I was so scared. I can’t remember everything that was said between amber and I, but I know we shared a special moment and prayed together before everything started. At the end of our prayer, I asked her if she would stay in the room with us. Of course she said yes, and I instantly felt so much better knowing she was there with us. 

I pushed for 2 ½ hours in extreme labor with Jordan and his mom by my side. The baby’s heart rate was continuing to increase with every push but the nurse said he wasn’t in danger range yet and to keep pushing. The Doctor came in and said little progress was made and baby’s head hadn’t moved down the canal at all. She gave me the choice of a c section or keep pushing in hopes to make some progress. I was exhausted and knew something wasn’t right. This wasn’t how our birth story was suppose to go. With every push I felt the baby hit my pelvis and somehow I knew he wasn’t going to enter this world vaginally. Hesitantly, I opted for c section fearful of being judged or that I had given up. Once the words came out of my mouth I instantly felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  

Just our luck, as soon as we opted for a c section, they had just taken someone else down to the OR, and we had to wait an hour and a half until we could go.  Thankfully they stopped the pitocin which helped with the contractions, and they prepped me for surgery. 

Tuesday, November 13th 

Around 12:45am, the OR finally became available and it was our turn to bring our baby into the world. The team of nurses and doctors were informative, nice and positive. They took me down first and had Jordan change into scrubs and wait in a waiting room near the OR. I only remember bits and pieces of being prepped for surgery but I do remember everyone in the room was so nice and kept the vibes light and positive. Once I was fully prepped and ready they allowed Jordan to come in. I’ll never forget the look on his face once he walked through those doors. With tear filled eyes he came to my side and grabbed my hand. We were both scared. Scared to be parents, scared for complications, being in surgery, and the unknown. We labored for 56 hours, and finally after all of that we would meet our boy.

At 2:17am, Grayson Thomas King was born. He weighed 10 pounds 8 ounces and was 23 inches long. He had a large gash on the side of his head from hitting my pelvis during labor and some cuts and bruising on his face, shoulders and chest from being stuck in the birth canal. Once they finished closing me up, the surgeon came over to my side and said “A mother’s intuition is always right, never forget that. You did an amazing job, and you 100% made the right call. This beautiful boy would have never made his entrance vaginally. For your next pregnancy, I recommend scheduling a c section to start with and skip all the hard stuff.” Very rarely will a doctor give some form of closure, and she made sure to assure me I didn’t fail, I didn’t throw in the towel because it hurt, and that what I was feeling was valid and correct. A moment Jordan and I cherish and will never forget. We also found it hilarious that she mentioned a second pregnancy as if I was in any position to agree to do any of that shit again. Now if she would have said that to me today as I’m looking at my 3 week old sleeping next to me, I’d definitely do it again. 

Even though our birthing experience didn’t go as planned, I am so thankful to have gone through it all. We didn’t think getting pregnant was going to happen so fast and easy for us so going through a few days of hurtles and pain was totally worth it. The second my son was laid on my chest my priorities changed. My world changed. I still can’t believe I created this tiny human and that I am his mom. It’s a beautiful feeling that I never seen myself experiencing. My husband was amazing through the entire process which was surprising. He was the most afraid of having the surgery and for complications and truly stepped up to the plate when I needed him the most. Our connection grew a million times stronger because of it. 

I also owe a million thank yous to the amazing staff that helped us through the process and took care of us in recovery. 6 and a half days in the hospital and we only met one nurse we didn’t like. We seen 21 different RNs during our stay and 20 of them went above and beyond. We seen 6 doctors, and each one was so caring and informative. 10 out of 10, would recommend our hospital for delivery solely on the fact that each person we saw treated our entire family as if we were their family too. I can’t express how grateful I am and truly made up for such a long and hard labor. 

I am so blessed to have had a fast and easy recovery surrounded by family and friends who have been so supportive. I am home and enjoying every second of my time with our beautiful baby boy. 

Until next time…

- T 

[the-antagonistic-bad-guy]

TW: BLOOD/GORE MENTIONED

so the scariest fucking thing happened to me yesterday, i woke up from a nap to basically a murder scene out in the hallway and kitchen/living room and my dog no where to be found so of course i panic so fucking hard im essentially shaking and to the point of sobbing and trying to find her, well she hears my panic and because shes such a good fucking girl came to check up on me despite the fact she was in pain vomiting and sh*tting blood. she tried to crawl under my bed again and lay down but i grabbed her and held her while my partner went to wake his parents (who adore this dog mind you, to them she is their granddog and they will do anything for her) and because it was sunday our usual vet wasnt open and the emergency clinic closest to my house wasnt taking any patients because the vet had called out for a family emergency. (im still pissed off at the company for only having one vet at an EMERGENCY vet hospital but i dont blame the workers/vet there since they have no control over it) so we have to go to one farther out which was essentially a thirty minute drive and these people make us wait for four fucking hours in a hot parking lot with a dog who needs to be hydrated.

luckily my dog is the sweetest and fucking best girl in the world so she waited like a champ and drank some water we found in the car (it was only opened a day or two prior but never fully drank) the first time she tried she immediately vomited it back up but the second time she held it down and got a bit of her energy back and when they finally took her they asked us over 400$ up front for just a diagnostic, money we did not have with us at that current moment. so in the end we told them just to give her fluids and anti-nausea and we’d take her home for the night and take her to our normal vet in the morning because i could not trust these people with her especially after the wait (which they told us only three dogs were ahead of us and they took SIX families before they even talked to us) and the reviews on the place where mostly terrible (im exaggerating a tiny bit it was almost 50/50 between 5 stars and 1 but still) and so they gave us her back with a fluid bubble under her skin to help the dehydration a little told us that what she would need was food (we read the discharge papers and it told us she wasnt allowed food for 6 hours) and then told us theyd go grab the discharge papers (we waited 15 mins before my MIL decided to go inside and get them) we paid for everything and then we left.

i had cried so much, i even cried out of pure relief seeing my dog again that when i finally calmed down my eyes stung and i had the worse kind of headache but i was just so happy to have my baby back. she did so fucking well during the night too, she drank a lot of water when we got home and held it down all throughout the night and this dog, being the best fucking girl got up three times to be taken outside even though she basically had no control over her bowels (she didnt make it the first time but she tried to hard to warn us she needed to go) and this is a dog that was leaking blood from both ends still trying not to go in the house because she tries so fucking hard to be a good girl and everytime she has an accident she gets so fucking upset and embarrassed because she wants to be good. well after she settled into her little den i made for her in the floor so she’d be elevated and covered to keep her temperature up, i made a nest for myself right beside her on the floor and we both passed out around 2 almost 3 in the morning. my MIL comes and wakes me up at 7 and we pile into the car and take her straight to her normal vet, and that’s where she is now. they told us that theyd give us a call later and that we’d most likely be seeing them again around 4-4:30 and the relief i felt knowing she was in safe hands, with people i trust and people who adore her and give her so much love when we come by even for just normal check ups was the best feeling i could have after the past 19 hours.

ive decided not to talk to my family about it atm since i know that itll only bring out really negative emotions and that isnt what i need right now but i just had to talk to someone, anyone, and the tumblr void seemed to be the best bet because this post will most likely disappear within said void. i know my mom will try to make me feel better but her relationship/view of death itself makes me extremely uncomfortable and her morbid way of trying to cheer me up is again, not something i need right now.

finally i just want to say my dog did her very fucking best to be a good girl and she ended up being the best girl. she is quite literally the best dog i could have ever asked for. i love her so much and she is the best