#got my period thursday… bad cramps friday and saturday to the point where i had to go home early saturday (we were working lol 🤪)…. woke up

[pepprs]

ok i survived yom kippur. but it took every single scrap of strength in my body and i’m not completely better yet

[la0hu]

unofficial iud recovery log everyone avert your eyes:

june 13th (tuesday) i got it in, experienced pretty bad cramps and light watery spotting discharge, nothing too bad tho. note: this would have also been day 1 of my period

day after i just had slightly bloody watery discharge but also insane bad cramps and lightheadedness; i did almost pass out for a couple hours and felt emotionally numb / extremely weird mood that i was worried would be permanent

thursday i took off sick and had bad cramps; i believe my bleeding started to pick up so i had to start using tampons again, changing every 4 hours

friday terrible cramps, lightheaded again, bleeding really picked up + clotting so changing tampons every 2-3 hours. super lightheaded right before my hair appointment but it subsided by dinner time

yesterday and today, cramps are being managed by alternating advil and tylenol, changing tampons every 2 hours during heaviest flow and every 4 hours at night. blood flow is pretty heavy but still lighter and with less clotting than my period. in general i feel a bit weak, but my mood is normal

update: monday, cramps and bleeding lessened somewhat but still need to take meds and use tampons :( ; negligible bleeding last night

tuesday: no bleeding last night, bleeding is lighter today, no tampons but sitting around all day anyway. clotting is still kind of heavy. cramps are weaker but still needed to take advil.

wednesday: no bleeding last night. bleeding definitely lessened so that i don't need tampons anymore, but there's still clotting. cramps have also lessened but they're definitely not fun to sit through; had trouble telling if i had bad indigestion or cramps in the evening, which was not fun

thursday: i bled last night >:( but in general my flow feels a little bit lighter (still with clotting). low level cramps still, so slight i don't notice them until i realize i don't want to move or stand up straight out of discomfort. flow picked up in the evening though, and i did end up using tampons again :(

friday: bled last night and needed to get up in the middle of the night. when will i get a full night of sleep again... flow feels the same as yesterday, which is to say still annoying and heavy by most people's standards, but manageable by mine. cramps have calmed down a little? it's getting easier to skip the advil, but i still need it.

saturday: bled only a tiny bit at night. woke up with terrible cramps, but that's probably bc i was so hungover. flow is markedly lighter; i used some regular tampons, but i left them in and forgot about them and used a cotton pad with no issues, and when i took them out, i noticed my flow had slowed down a lot.

sunday: full night of sleep. woke up with no cramps, but they kicked in by midday and i needed advil. blood flow was very light, heaviest in the afternoon and tapering off as the evening came on.

monday: full night of sleep, no bleeding at all! cramps didn't kick in until midday. bleeding is light and with much less clotting than before. TMI but in the shower i could feel my cervix had moved back up, which is where is normally lives when i'm not on my period (before this point, it had been lower and nearer to the entrance of my vagina as it is when i'm on my period). worst symptom right now is the cramping

tuesday: no cramping at all, and during the day bleeding is not exactly light but manageable with no tampons.

wednesday: bleeding picked up at night; at 3am i woke up and put in an extra large tampon, and at 9:30 this morning i removed it and it was completely bled through. no cramps though. in the evening i felt my iud strings poking my labia somewhat painfully; i didn't feel any plastic, but my strings felt markedly longer than before. my bleeding picked up a lot after this point. i had to re-tuck my strings a second time before bed.

thursday: had to get up in the night again. cramps are different, less painful than normal period cramps but not like anything i've felt before. bleeding is very heavy again, comparable to the first week post insertion. before my appointment, i felt more pain and lightheadedness, probably because i ate a small breakfast and then didn't eat until 3:30.

[mcwriting]

The Marriage Project (3)

Anddddd I’m back with this bby. Sorry I’ve been slowing down some of my content. Last Friday I had to deal with family health matters on top of schoolwork and a sorority function I had to be at. Anyways. 

High school AU. Tom Holland. Yeah.

Story Masterlist

Warnings: mild language

Rating: Between T and M

Word Count: 2351

% approximately the 3rd week of September %

You’d had two away volleyball games that week and Tom had an away football game, so by Saturday you were exhausted. Your Friday game hadn’t been too far, but the football team had traveled a decent distance, so you figured they’d gotten home late.

You still showed up at Tom’s on time, though, as planned the day before.

Nikki opened the door at your arrival.

“Oh, hey, y/n! Come on in!”

You returned her greeting and entered, looking around expectantly.

“If you’re looking for Tom, he’s not up yet. They got home pretty late last night.”

“I figured that would be the case.”

You noticed that on the dining room table were a few grocery bags.

“Oh, do you need help with those? I can wait on Tom,” you offered.

“No don’t worry about those bags, but if you’re looking to do something, I was about to make some apple pies for a get together tomorrow. I’d love your help.”

You agreed and followed her into the kitchen. After peeling and chopping apples for a few minutes, someone else walked into the kitchen.

“Well who’s this? I don’t remember having a daughter,” Tom’s dad said. You turned to look at him and smile, then continued cutting fruit.

“Oh Dominic you know y/n. She’s the one Tom’s always talking about, competing and whatnot. They’re doing that marriage project together.”

Your face heated up so you continued to look down at the apple.

He talks about me? Like how much he hates me or what?

“Yes of course, how could I forget? You’re one of the best soccer players I’ve seen! Good to see you again,” he said.

“Nice seeing you, too, Mr. Holland.”

“Please, call me Dom. Now how come you’re down here and not with Tom?”

“I was waiting for him to get up. Plus, Nikki promised me a slice,” you grinned.

“Well I’d definitely call that a fair trade. Nikki’s pies are the best in the world,” he turned to his wife, “I’ll be back in a bit. I’m meeting with the publisher today.”

“Good luck, honey. I’m sure you’ll be great,” Nikki encouraged, giving her husband a quick peck.

“Thanks, dear. Once again, it was nice seeing you, y/n. Feel free to come make desserts here any time,” he joked and you just laughed and waved.

A few minutes after he’d left, Nikki spoke up again.

“You know, y/n. I’m glad you and Tom were paired up for this project. I’ve really liked having you around the past few weeks, and it seems like Tom has learned a lot from you. I mean, He even went out and bought some pads and tampons and things for his bathroom this week.”

Now your face really burned. 

“He did?”

“Yeah. He said he’d better be safe than sorry. I’m glad you two look out for each other like that, even if you are rivals. By the way, I made sure he didn’t get the cardboard ones,” she added. With that, you fell into rhythmic silence.

Not long after, you heard footsteps coming down the stairs. From the hall, Tom’s voice called out.

“Mom? It’s almost 2. Have you heard anything from-” he walked through the kitchen door. “Oh. You’re here. What are you doing?”

You grabbed a towel to wipe off your hands as you turned to face him.

“I got here at 1 but felt bad about you getting home late so I’ve just been helping your mom make pie. She promised me a slice.”

“You’re really gonna give her some mom? She doesn’t even deserve to see how they’re made!”

“Oh Tom I swear. Y/n is a nice girl, just get over yourself. But, if you two want to go get to work I think I’ve got it handled from here. I’ll bring you both some when the first one’s done.”

You grabbed your bag and headed up behind Tom and got to work quickly. Eventually you took a break when Nikki brought up pie and ice cream as promised with a couple waters. 

You ate in silence, Tom leaned against his bed and you against the wall across from him, when something she had said earlier popped into your head.

“Hey, Tom?”

“Yeah princess?” he replied, not looking up. You rolled your eyes and continued.

“Your mom said something earlier that I wanted to ask about.”

“If she told you anything incriminating it’s not true.”

“Suuuureeee. Anyways, she said you, uh, stocked up your cabinet in the bathroom. That’s really cool of you.”

“Yeah, well, can’t have you bleeding everywhere now can we? But, em. Yeah. The fact that you were so panicked over something that seems so trivial spoke pretty loud. I thought it’s better to just stay safe.”

You sat in silence for a little bit, just eating.

“Mind if I ask you something?” he said.

“Shoot.”

“What does it feel like? You know? They don’t mention that stuff in health articles.”

You contemplated for a little bit before answering.

“Well… like I said before, it’s different for everyone, but I’ll try my best. Cramps are kinda like being scratched and punched from the inside all at once. Freebleeding just feels like… wet and sticky. I find it disgusting so I wear mostly tampons.”

“Interesting. Thanks, princess.”

Once finishing off your snack, you got back to work. By the time you were done, it was almost 4.

“See you Monday, y/n”

“Yep. Oh, by the way, I have a small volleyball tournament next weekend so I can’t do Saturday. Is Sunday okay or do you wanna get together another day?”

“Can you do Thursday? We just have morning workouts that day.”

“Yeah I have practice last period so I’ll just shower and meet you in the parking lot? We can go to my place.”

“Can’t. I have to take the boys home.”

“If you want, you can take them home and I’ll pick you up. It’ll give me time to shower and change and then we can just carpool.”

“I don’t know. Sure you even know how to drive?”

“I’ll have you know I passed that test with flying colors sophomore year.”

Eventually he agreed and with that you were back out the door, giving one final thanks to Nikki.

%

By Wednesday you and Tom had finished your little quilt and Mrs. Flynn loved it. 

You and Tom obviously didn’t play when it came to grades, even if it was home economics.

Thursday, you were leaving your last class before practice and reminded Tom you were picking him up that afternoon, to which his friends looked at him funny and kinda messed with him.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

When you pulled up into his driveway after school, he plopped into the passenger's seat and held out a foil-wrapped object in his left hand.

“What is that?” you asked.

“My mom wanted you to have it. She made bread.”

“Oh. Well thanks. I’ll have to thank her for it next time I see her. You can just set it in the back seat for now.”

You drove back to your place, pulling into the garage and leading Tom through the door. Your parents were still at work, so you told Tom you’d just work in the living room.

“I don’t want them to say anything weird about us being home alone in my room,” you explained.

You sat on the floor quietly typing when you remembered something.

“Hey, how did you do on the calc test?”

“95. You?”

“Damn. 94. I’ll make a comeback next time,” you joked, earning an eye roll.

After a half hour, your mom came home.

“Hey honey, how was your day? Did you beat Tom in whatever you were competing with him in today?” she asked, part joking since she knew of your rivalry well.

“It was fine, and mom. We have a guest, remember?” you said through gritted teeth.

She looked over the couch, where she found Tom waving at her awkwardly.

“Oh. Hi there. I forgot you were coming over today. So sorry about that.”

“No worries, Mrs. y/l/n. I beat her by a point today so it evens out,” he joked. You were annoyed at his banter with your mom and cut it off.

“Okay, well, Tom. Let’s go finish this in my room now that my mom’s home,” you said, getting everything and carrying it to the bedroom.

You tossed your bag and papers on the floor and quickly picked up some random things laying around, such as a pair of volleyball shoes and stray athletic socks. You especially rushed to snatch a rogue lace bra.

From the corner of your eye, you could see Tom standing still, looking around the room like you had the first time at his house.

Your walls were light grey but covered in your paintings and other art. One shelf mounted to a wall held all of your ribbons and trophies from sports, quiz bowl, and art fairs. Your bedspread was baby pink and sheets light yellow, and the same pink was strewn around the room in the form of desk accents and other blankets. You had a large plush cat resting near your pillows.

“Wow. So you’re like… a real girl. Huh.” he stated flatly. You stood up from tossing everything into your closet.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, like, you’re all tough and smart and sporty but you have pink everywhere and a stuffed animal on your bed.”

“You do realize women are complex creatures right? Considering we’re human and all?”

“Yeah, of course. I guess I’ve just never seen this side of you. I shouldn’t have worded it that way. Sorry.”

It surprised you to hear Tom apologize over something so small. Usually he would stand his ground, wave you off, or just move on. 

“It’s fine. I just hate when people stereotype, you know? Like I can love science, art, sports, pink, sweatpants, and skirts all at the same time. And I do. And I’m not trying to sound like the ‘I’m not like other girls’ girl, because I am a girl, but I’m more than just one side or the other.”

“So why do you hide the ‘typically girly’ stuff? I’ve never seen you at school wearing a pink dress and makeup. I mean even at dances you always wear dark colors and at parties I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in something other than jeans or shorts.”

You shrugged as you made your way onto the floor next to your computer, Tom following suit.

“I guess I try to stick to one aesthetic. I mean, it already seems to shock the administration that I’m good at and enjoy doing two sports, art, and honors stuff. I don’t think they could handle another layer of me,” you chuckled. “Isn’t there anything you hide?”

He thought about it for a few seconds, leaning his head against the wall.

“Well, I guess you know this now, but I like Spider-Man.”

“Yeah, but it’s considered normal for guys to like comic book characters. When I tell people I like Spider-Man, they just assume I have a crush on the actor. Come on, there has to be something you don’t show off at school.”

“Okay fine. I’ve got a couple. One, I actually like to cook. A lot. It almost kills me to be partnered up with the guys sometimes because they’re so clueless in the kitchen. And two, I love dance. I did it for a bit as a kid but got embarrassed and decided to go the normal sports route. I still go to the Nutcracker every year, though.”

You found yourself smiling at his honesty.

“Really? You know my mom put me in little kid ballet classes for a while, but I was really disruptive in class because I had too much energy, so I got into other sports instead. Has the football team never done a ballet class? I know some schools make them.”

“One summer. Maybe two years ago? We were doing a team building thing and they made us take one. I couldn’t make myself pretend to be bad so I just let everyone believe I was a natural talent,” he laughed, causing you to do the same. “You should’ve seen those guys. That’s probably one of my best football memories.”

You both sit in comfortable silence for a while. You couldn’t remember a time that you both were open to each other without the slightest bit of tension.

After a few more moments, you both got back to work.

%

You didn’t realize that it was past 5 o’clock until your mother was at your doorway telling you dinner was ready.

“Feel free to stay. We’d love to have you for dinner, Tom,” she offered, then went back to the kitchen. 

“Do you mind? I can just walk home if not.”

“Just stay, man. What’s one dinner? I’d feel at least somewhat bad to make you walk all the way home. We’re done for the week anyways, so I’ll just drive you after we eat.”

You led him to the kitchen, where your mom had cooked some ravioli and tossed a salad. You built your plates and thanked your mom, then sat at the dining room table.

You ate in awkward silence since your parents were in the living room. Your dad had greeted you and Tom when he came home from work, not really realizing who Tom was.

Once your plates were practically cleaned, you cleared the table and took Tom home.

“Thanks again for dinner and driving me. Good luck this weekend.”

Who is this guy and where did he take Tom? He never wishes me luck.

“Yeah no problem. Thank your mom for the bread. And good luck on your game tomorrow, too. I hear it’s gonna be a tough one.”

”They just haven’t met me yet,” he joked, then got out of the car and headed to the door. He tossed one last wave back as you pulled away.

%

A/N: I’m happy to be posting the next part and with the free time that I have at the moment of formatting this I’m hoping that I can reedit ch 4 and have it up by next week. As always, love you all and thanks for reading!

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Story Tag List: @jackiehollanderr, @one-big-fangirl, @l0lmk, @primadonnasdream, @bookworm06, @thenoddingbunny-blog

[welllbeing]

nsfw, detailed, I need to vent a little im sorry jesus christ

so its been like two and a half weeks since ive seen my boyfriend but he came over for the weekend and its been really great.

i had started my period on thursday like had cramps and was bleeding and everything and on friday too but then by yesterday (saturday) evening it was like gone??? is that normal?

anyway, we have been talking all week of course but he had started talking about what he wanted to do to me when he got here but I told him that I started and he was like ‘aww baby okay, movies and cuddles all weekend, yeah?’ so that’s literally what we did all day friday and all day saturday. friday night when we went to bed at like 4am we went in my room and he kissed me a lot and held me and told me how much he missed me and i fell asleep holding his hand and laying on his chest and every time I woke up he was either leaning on me or his arm was around me.

then saturday night (technically sunday morning because it was 3am) we had been watching movies all day again and we were laying on the living room floor and he just pulled me to him and put his hand in my hoodie (i was just wearing a zip up hoodie and a sports bra underneath) and was just like rubbing his thumb back and forth over my ribs and then eventually he started doing that between my boobs because he knows that thata like one of my favorite things ever like idk it just feels really nice and yeah.

but then he just grabbed me by my chin and kissed me really hard and pulled me flat against him and pulled my leg up around him and put his hands in my shirt to rub my back and we just stayed like that for a while but then we went into my room and I sat on his lap and grinded on him while I kissed him and he said I was gonna make him cum early, I said ‘so?’ and he kinda chuckled and said that meant he’d have to take another shower and I said I’d just take one with him so he was like ‘well we might as well just go to the shower then’ and started undressing me I told him that I wanted to give him head since we couldnt have sex. so once we got in there we made out for a while and idk just talked while we kissed and eventually I did give him head and he came and then kissed me some more and he was just ugh we were doing a lot and he asked me what was wrong because I stopped kissing him to bury my face in his neck and i was really just fucking horny lmao so I told him that I wanted him but it was frustrating me that he couldnt fuck me and all he said was ‘who said?’ and then in my head I was like ‘......... he’s actually right.’ like I always told myself i wouldnt have sex on my period because of how heavy my flow was and how bad cramps were but now that im on birth control I only have cramps the first day and I hardly even bleed after the first day so it being the third day I was at a point where I didnt have to wear a pad or tampon, I was good with a thin liner and that was it. so I was like fuck it and told him okay and so we started in the shower but kept knocking stuff down and the water makes things harder and it also went cold on us so we got out of the shower and literally ran into the bedroom soaking wet and then he fucked me there.

but idk he just does stuff differently when we have sex now like he stays in missionary longer and he has actually started making noise now (which is the most satisfying thing in the world btw because he used to never make a sound but now hearing him say what he wants me to keep doing and hearing him call me baby and moan in my ear while we’re having sex is just ugh its amazing) and yeah he touches me more so like for example what he used to do was just hold himself up with his hands on either side of my head while in missionary and hed just hold my hips while in doggy and when I was on top his hands would just be on my thighs

but now when we’re in missionary he either holds my leg up with one hand or will hold my hands over my head and he has always kissed me a lot when in that position but now he also gives me a bunch of hickeys and kisses my jaw and will just bury his face in my neck. and when we’re in doggy he runs his hands up and down my back a lot and holds my shoulders or my hair and he’ll lean over me to kiss the back and side of my neck and between my shoulder blades like I usually put my face all of the way down but he’ll pull me up so im holding myself on my arms just so he can do that. and then when im riding him his hands just go everywhere now, literally everywhere, and he’s started this thing where he’ll lightly bite my nipple and idk I never expect it every time he does it so it gets a little yelp out of me but it also feels amazing and he gets this stupid smug look on his face and will keep sucking and pinching and it is just the best feeling i cant even explain.

but this time he did something different while we were in doggy, hes never done this before but it literally almost made me lose my mind.

so we had been having sex for a while and I had let my form slip so I started leaning forward and ended up basically laying face down on the bed with my ass up so for a whike he was holding himself up but then he got down and leaned over me so his head was right beside mine and he reached around me to finger my clit and he just started these shallow but fast thrusts whike he fingered me and he was moaning in my ear and kissing my neck and I swear to you I came like five times just then it was amazing skjshduhsjfjsjfj

now hes one of those guys that he’ll cum and then just keep going and can do that like four or five times so yeah I was a shaking mess and he was like ‘babe we need to stop’ and I didnt want him to but hes always afraid of doing too much or hurting me so he talked me into it and brought me outside to smoke with him since thats become what he calls ‘our routine’. we have sex and then we smoke lol.

but the point of this post was a) he does things differently now like he praises my body more when we have sex and b) this was the first time we had sex while we were both fully naked and this was also the most that hes ever touched me. its just mind blowing to me that my body doesnt gross him out like im up almost 40 pounds but this was still the most intense sex we’ve ever had and he kept talking about how he didnt want to stop but he knew he needed to.

and then still afterwards in a different conversation proceeded to talk about meeting my parents and said something about us moving into a house together so he still wants to be with me and make plans with me and idk he is really the reason that i havent totally lost my mind with my body. like i did have a mini breakdown when I weighed myself on thursday but him being here made me realise that although it is an issue it isnt THAT bad because he still likes me you know?

[demon-vs-angel]

Monday January 23, 2017 2:18 AM

Hey there world.

So I skipped my blog post last Thursday in case you didn't notice which probably no one did. I had been working a lot writing posts for our other site so when I was done the last thing I wanted to do was write more. I put it off until Thursday night and by the time I got to it I was way more than a little tipsy and I tried writing something worth reading and it was absolute shit.

I started my diet again on the 9th to lose some weight. I was at around 137 after the holidays which was ten pounds more than when we got married a year and a half ago. Along with a calorie deficit I was going to just give up alcohol. I had drunken a fair amount around the holidays, especially when hanging out with my in-laws which is super stressful and anxiety causing for me. Even when I wasn't doing anything with them and I was just hanging out at home I wanted to drink because I was still stressed out about things that had happened or while thinking about things that might happen in the future.

I didn't even last a week. I think at some point in the middle of that first week back on my diet I drank again. I factored it into my calories for the week and didn't skip any of my workouts to drink or because I was hung over but I wasn't crazy about having let myself down.

So I started a new standard that I discussed with my husband and he thought it was a good idea. Basically, I would eat about 100 calories less than my goal each day and then on the weekend to celebrate or have fun with him I would have around 600 calories I could eat or drink.

I didn't even last a week. When he went to his small group on Tuesday the 17th I drank and filmed some videos on my phone that no one will probably ever see. I don't know why but drinking when I am home alone and can kind of just do my own thing is a lot of fun for me. I actually planned on writing my post for Thursday on that day and I did not do that obviously.

On top of this, on Friday it was raining a whole lot and my brother in law called my husband and asked if we wanted to go hiking in the mountains with him and his gf. I had a bunch of work I wanted to get done but it doesn't normally rain out here so we decided to go. I don't know why but I thought we were going to be able to get to the mountain (which is about 50 min drive away) before it got dark even though my husband said it would be. I thought it would just be dusk which is one of my favorite times to hike so I was actually pretty excited. Well we got stuck in traffic and I started getting pissed cause I realized it would be pitch black and I no longer wanted to go at all.

Not to mention that my brother in law called again and said he was going to be like two hours late. I don't know why this even bothers me anymore, he is literally ALWAYS late. Like, every single time we plan something. At this point I was so over it and really didn't want to go because we went way out of our way to accommodate their schedule and then they are gonna pull this shit?

So me and my husband decided to go to Pizza Hut and get some dinner to kill time and I said I wished I had drunken before we left and he said we could fix that. We went to a liquor store and got a bottle of wine, picked up the pizza, and then headed to his parents' house to wait for his brother cause his parents live about 15 minutes away from where we were going to be going hiking.

When we got to their house we drank the entire bottle of wine while eating the pizza. His mom also suggested we make margaritas because she was going to make one for his dad later the celebrate inauguration of Trump. I think I ended up drinking two margaritas with only about a shot in each but that plus the wine got me pretty buzzed.

I was actually trying to drink as much as possible because I reeeeeaally didn't want to go on the hike at night. I have hiked at night in the rain a lot growing up in Oregon and I just didn't want to. I tried to get everyone to want to go the next day since it was Saturday but no one wanted to but me. I was miserable.

Over the last entire week I have also been pretty depressed which is pretty normal for me the week before I get my period (which I got yesterday) but it always makes me feel really bad about myself and life. I also cut again a few days ago for the first time in months. So on Friday night, on a hike I really didn't want to go, I was very buzzed and very uninterested in life.

We were looking for this waterfall that we had hiked to a couple other times but we missed the turn off on the trail for it so we ended up walking about two miles all the way up, all the way back down, and all the way up again before we found it.

Along the way I grabbed a rock, carried it in the pocket of my hoodie and scrapped it across my wrists while we walked while chanting in my mind “you're stupid, you're worthless, you're an idiot.”

The hike wasn't that bad actually just because I was numb to my own suffering from the alcohol and we did end up finding the waterfall. It was actually really gorgeous because there was tons of water from the rain and there were mountains all around us that had snow that looked really cool. We sat by the waterfall for a while before hiking back and then driving back to my in law's house where we had left our car.

When we got back to their house I grabbed my change out of our car and me and my husband headed inside so I could change cause I was soaked from the rain while my brother in law and his gf stayed in his truck outside.

I finished changing and then my husband came in the bathroom and we were just drying off and stuff and then his brother, after having not even come inside to say his to his dad who had not been home when we stopped by earlier or hang out at all, yelled from the front door that he and his gf were going home and for us to have a good night.

Literally every time we have gotten together, just the four of us or the whole family, they leave early and will never stay later. Earlier on in the night his gf had even suggested we hit the town later after the hike and now they leave without even coming in? I was so fucking done. I didn't even say good night or yell out “bye.” If they can't bother themselves then neither will I. I had already put a ton of work into a hike I did not want to go on for the good of the group and that is how they repay my politeness? Fuck that.

My husband went out and said bye to them, I finished drying off.

Then we made two more margaritas. I was pretty buzzed all night. My husband can drink like 5 times I can of liquor so he felt fine to drive home about 2 hours later.

We got home, changed, went to bed.

Last night (Saturday) I went and got groceries and I also got spiced rum and stuff to make pina coladas. I figured my diet was already screwed from the day before and I wanted to have fun with my husband. When I got home he wanted to clean the garage so I ended up basically drinking alone. I made us tacos for dinner which we ate together and then he got back to work and I went upstairs to go on my computer in our warm office.

I made two pina coladas with about a shot of rum in each and then took at least three single shots. I still felt really bad emotionally from the previous night and was kind of lonely and really wanted to cut again.

So, I showed and after the shower I cut again. It hurt and afterwards I kind of regretted it because it is such a pain dealing with it afterwards but at the same time it felt really good.

Here is the really fun part. I didn't drink enough water while I drank last night so I had a bad hangover today plus the fact that the first full day of my period I always get really bad cramps so I have felt like complete shit almost all day and have just been laying down, dying, sleeping, etc.

Now, my brother in law's gf, lets call her Elle, cannot function without a drink. Every time we have hung out, when she is sober she hardly talks and is so awkward. Give her a drink and she opens up, talks, laughs, makes conversation, smiles, etc. It is literally like two different people. She has admitted that she gets tired of hanging around people and just wants to be alone at the end of the day, which I have totally felt, but I don't think she can even really socialize without a drink.

I like to have a drink, it makes it way easier to deal with people like my in laws that I have a really hard time dealing with so I get her. But I do not want to be her.

Alcohol is not the answer. Lately every time we have gone out with them or my parents in law, or if anyone stops by our house without warning, I take a drink... or three.

I really hate people a lot of times. I have a lot of anxiety that plagues almost my every second.

Alcohol is becoming a crutch for me to be able to function socially. The bad part though is that it also makes my self harm addiction harder to stay away from. It makes a temporary shield against the bad parts of social encounters but all the anxious thoughts are still there later and I am not developing ways to actually deal with them, I just keep running away. One of my absolute favorite, if not my number one, place to turn to when I am running is self harm and the alcohol just encourages it.

I refuse to be Elle. I think she is weak. I hate that she calls herself this great Christian and is a school counselor and yet, I believe, has an addiction to alcohol.

I cannot describe how weak I think she is. To not even be able to hang out with us, and we are pretty chill, without a drink. I hate it. I have hung out with them plenty of times sober to try and have fun It makes it feel like she really doesn't want to be with us. Not to mention as soon as she sobers up at the end of the night it is always mysteriously when she wants to go home. Everything about her seems fake right now because I don't think she has ever been 100 percent genuine with me because the only time she seems herself is when she is drinking and that is not real, I know, I do it to hide myself and yet fit in with other people better.

So, I have decided something. I am not going to drink for a whole month.

The only exception will be if my husband wants to on Valentines day but that will be it, and it will only be with him and lead by him to make sure I don't go overboard.

I am also committing to not cutting myself again. It is not worth the stress of trying to hide it and get it to heal and it does not actually solve anything long term.

While committing to these two things I am also going to actively work on my anxiety and worry workbook and actually try to move forward with my mental health like I am with my physical health.

Alcohol isn't the worse thing ever and I think I will always like drinking. But I never want to rely on it to survive a social situation, that is how problems start. I am starting to rely on it way too much. My in laws are also drinking more than they used to which is not helping me.

I am tired of hang overs, I am tired of being unable to function socially without it, and I am tired of the depression I am left with days later because of it.

I will keep notes on how my mental and physical health are progressing and hopefully over the coming weeks and months we will see a positive change!

I will continue to update at least once a week on what I am doing, what's working, how my addictions are, etc. and if this helps out anyone else then great :) Sorry if this is kinda long, I am too good at writing too many words :/

This is my war, I'm gonna fucking win it.  Goodnight.