#swin was such a good group they had such a good combination

[beihonglin]

bruh i just read your ask about swin and i’m like livid right now didn’t think there could be shittier companies than iqiyi, yg and sm but apparently not

and it sucks that there are so many talented kids who work so hard and deserve to be known that get stuck in this kind of company with terrible management that only knows how to waste their potential 😭😭😭 

[stevesnailbat]

for the first time: part two | steve harrington

summary: A series of events through Steve’s relationship with the love of his life.

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating, jealousy, underage drinking

word count: 4.2K

a/n: READ PART ONE HERE, but here’s part two! Hope you all enjoy :)

She woke up in her bed next to an empty bottle of wine and a necklace that had been broken at the clasp when ripped off of her neck, presumably from her own doing. Her alarm clock was blaring and her mom knocked on her door loudly, telling her that she would be late if she didn’t get up now.

“Shit.” she mumbled under her breath as she stuffed the empty wine bottle deep into her closet after springing up from her bed.

As she ran around to get ready for school, Y/N desperately tried to remember what had happened the night before. When she eventually remembered, tears pricked her eyes as she tried to brush off the thought. She had caught Steve, who she thought was the love of her life, making out with and feeling up another girl, getting ready to take her clothes off.

They had gone to a party at Carol’s house and Steve got too drunk for his own good. She couldn’t keep track of him and eventually gave up, thinking he would just be hanging out with the boys, as usual. Turns out she was wrong and he was just looking for another girl to hook up with, and he had the audacity to do it when she was there. He had become distant a few weeks back, but she brushed it off as him being in a bad mood because of his dad pressuring him to do something after high school ended in a few months.

She was a sobbing mess in the corner of Carol’s living room afterwards and Steve nor anybody else there even said anything to her. Although she was in a crowded room filled with people, she had never felt so alone in her life. It seemed as though nobody cared about her when she wasn’t with Steve now, since her reputation had been slightly tainted. Nancy and Jonathan saw her curled up on the couch with tear stained cheeks and a bottle of wine on their way out. They dragged her out of the party and helped her get home, but couldn’t stay to help her through the night. That was when she finished the bottle and ripped the necklace off her neck.

The worst part about the whole situation was that everyone would already know about it at school, since it happened at a party. So, she had to show up to school and be talked about all day. They were going to talk if she wasn’t there or not, so she decided she would show up and be strong. She would try to hold herself together and not show everyone how her heart was breaking more and more every second.

Y/N quickly finished getting ready and grabbed her backpack before rushing downstairs. She said a short goodbye to her parents at the kitchen table before running out the door, for the sake of them not seeing her puffy, tired eyes. She drove to school in record time, making it there 5 minutes before classes started. That gave her enough time to go straight to her first period of the day, English, without having to talk to anybody on the way. Plenty of people stared and whispered as she passed quickly, but she ignored them all with her typical fake confidence.

English, chemistry, calculus and biology seemed to take an eternity to pass, but she made it through without talking to anybody about the situation. She had made it to lunch without seeing Steve, too. She knew his schedule by heart, so she avoided the halls he took and the hall by his locker at all costs. But, she knew lunch would be the time that could ruin everything. Nancy and Jonathan found her as she was getting her lunch from her locker, remorseful looks spread across their faces.

“How are you feeling?” Nancy questioned as the sat down in the lunch room.

“I’m fine. Just a little hungover, that’s all. I did finish that bottle I was clinging to when I got home.” Y/N chuckled, trying to joke to ease the awkward situation.

Jonathan looked at her with a furrowed brow before pointing at her neck curiously. “What happened?” he implored.

She reached to her neck and realized the tenderness of it when her fingers grazed where her necklace once rested. “I was mad...So I broke my necklace that he gave me a while ago. I don’t want to wear his name around my neck if he can’t even respect me enough to leave me instead of cheating.” she says smugly and the two nod, agreeing which her justification.

“He really is an idiot. Especially to do something so stupid that would make you, his dream girl, leave him. I never thought he would break your heart.” Nancy says curtly, shaking her head in disapproval.

After that, they sit in silence for a while, eating their lunches. Y/N didn’t really know what to say in reply to Nancy, since she implied that she thought she would be the one to break Steve’s heart. Lunch ended soon after and she was off to her locker alone for the first time all day. She had avoided stopping there by keeping her books with her, but it was getting too heavy. To her dismay, the person she least wanted to see was waiting for her there.

Steve looked at her with hurt and some hope left in his eyes but was met with her empty and broken eyes when he looked at her. She looked done with the conversation before it even started. He stood to the side of her locker as she did her combination and opened it. The whole time she stood there, she ignored him.

“Y/N-“ Steve started but was cut off when she put her hand up in annoyance.

“I don’t want to hear it, Steve. I don’t want to hear excuses. I get it. You were bored with me and wanted something different. But did you really have to do it at a party that I was also at and before breaking up with me? That’s fucking low, asshole.” she says spitefully, her words dripping with hatred as she stares up at him sharply.

He wanted to explain everything, how he was too drunk to realize that it wasn’t her, how she kissed him first and called him the same nickname Y/N called him, how she pulled him into that bedroom. He didn’t even remember seeing her after getting to the party, let alone seeing her come into the room they were in. But, Steve knew she was hurt and there wouldn’t be anything that he could say to help that hurt. She wouldn’t believe him if he said it wasn’t his fault, she was too far gone at that point.

His eyes fall to her neck to see his necklace missing and a large scraping bruise along both sides of it. She had said to him once that she wouldn’t take it off as long as he still loved her, and Steve had promised her that would be forever. Obviously it didn’t seem like he loved her anymore to her, so she ripped it off with no remorse.

Even if she was coming off as strong-willed and confident in a hard situation, he could see right through it. She was hurting so much. He heard the way her voice cracked when she cut him off, he saw the remnants of smudged mascara underneath her eyes from last night, he saw her digging her nails into her palms, reminding herself to stay strong. He knew he had fucked up, he was at a loss for words.

“I’ll be over at seven tonight to drop anything I have of yours off. Leave what’s mine on the front porch. I won’t be talking to you when I come, Harrington.” she said strongly, keeping herself together surprisingly well despite feeling nauseous at the thought of letting go of everything that they had built together. With that, she walked away from him and slammed her locker shut, leaving him with his jaw unhinged, words left on the tip of his tongue that he would never get to say to her.

Seven rolls around and Steve hears Y/N pull into his driveway and get out of her car while he sits in the living room quietly. He wants to go to his porch so badly, but he can’t do it to her. She wasn’t holding herself together like she had been at school, and Steve could see that from the window when she came to the front porch. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she had changed into sweats, and she didn’t care that her hair was a mess. It was like she was trying to make Steve’s heart break more than it already had, but she really didn’t know he was watching in the window.

She sets the box of Steve’s things on the welcome mat in front of the door, which included some sweatshirts, a pair of boxers, two t-shirts, a teddy bear, pictures that Jonathan had taken of them, the broken necklace, and a letter she wrote to him. Her letter to him was her closure, her way of telling him that he broke her heart and that she would try to move on, no matter how much she still loved him. Tears freely flow from her eyes as she looks over at the box next to the door he had left.

Her box was smaller, since it seemed she always stole his things instead of the other way around. In her box was a set of red lingerie she had worn for him at the beginning of the month for Valentine’s day, a pair of slippers she had left there because she hated walking on cold tile, the maroon turtleneck she had worn the night of their first time, some pictures of her and the two of them that he had taken poorly with his polaroid camera, and a letter to her. His letter to her explained what happened that night, how he deserved to get his heart broken by her, and how he would still love her, even if she did move on. Before she can become too upset, Y/N grabs her box hastily and moves back towards her car. On her way back, she sees five kids pull up on bikes through her teary eyes, the party.

“Y/N!” Max calls out from the yard where they sat their bikes down.

She wipes her tears away quickly and waves back at Max and the gang, putting on a fake smile. “Hi guys! I can’t stay, I have to go.” Y/N says in return and the group frowns almost in unison. “See you guys later!”

Dustin goes to say something but is cut off by the sound of her car door shutting and the engine starting up. The party is confused, but doesn’t question it until they get up to Steve’s front door, to be faced with the box labeled ‘Steve’ along the side. “Holy shit.” Dustin mumbles as the door swings open. Steve lets out a sigh when he sees the party at the door, but grabs the box and lets them into his house. He knew he would have to eventually tell them the story, so he might as well do it while they’re here.

Y/N pulled out of the driveway with teary eyes, knowing that she wouldn’t be around the party much after that last terrible interaction. Steve would tell them what happened, but she didn’t know if he would twist it to make her look bad or not. She drove home in somewhat of a daze, her sniffles being the only noise to fill the quiet air. She knew that somehow she would have to get over him, she couldn’t let him ruin her like this. She was going to seem unbothered by this in public, even if it broke her. She didn’t want him to see her weakness anymore, that side of her was closed off to him from now on.

—

It had been a month since Y/N and Steve had broken up and neither of them had really moved on. Steve was single and not looking to find anyone new, but Y/N had set out to break his heart like he broke hers. She started to flirt with the one person she knew would drive Steve up the wall with rage, Billy Hargrove. Billy happily obliged to fucking with Harrington when she began reciprocating his flirtatious jokes. He knew exactly what she was doing, and he was loving it. On their first date, Y/N made it very clear what she was doing. She wasn’t capable of anything more than a lustful relationship at the moment and wanted to make Steve hurt; she knew Billy was a pretty heartless person, so he was perfect for the job.

It started out as a strictly sexual relationship, but they quickly grew closer. Billy and Y/N would spend day and night together, laughing, crying, telling each other everything. She poured her heart out to him and he actually listened, which shocked her. He was different behind closed doors and it was starting to grow on her.

“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” Billy questioned one night, laying in his bed with Y/N after one of their late night encounters.

The two of them had been laughing and talking for about an hour when he brought Steve up, which made her go mute. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Billy.” she said timidly, avoiding his eyes as she spoke. It hurt too much to admit what she actually felt. It was as if every time she admitted her feelings about anything, it would all blow up in her face, so she never spoke anything to existence.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Y/N. I can tell what this is. I can see the way you look at him in the hallway at school, I see the way you act when you remember things about him that made you happy or that make you miss him. As much as I hate the kid, I can’t deny that I can see how in love you are still. I’d have to be a complete idiot to say that you were anywhere near falling for me.” Billy said, his hands combing through her hair as he spoke.

She didn’t say anything in reply, but the tears that fell onto his bare chest as they laid there in silence said everything he needed to know. He knew she wouldn’t admit it, it hurt her too much to talk about it. She felt comforted by the fact that Billy didn’t question her too much, that he cared enough to be there for her when she cried but not enough to be overbearing. She liked being with him, the way he laughed with her and pulled her close, or kissed her deeply when they were alone made her feel somewhat normal again.

He was different in bed than Steve ever was, too. Billy was rougher, more controlling, and dominated over her at all times. She seemed to enjoy it, though; he had done things to her that she had never experienced before. He would always make sure she was taken care of afterwards though, never leaving her feeling neglected after being rough with her. There was no love in their relationship, though. No butterflies came to her stomach when she would go to his house, she wouldn’t get excited every time they would kiss like she did with Steve. He realized that she wasn’t emotionally with him and respected it. Even if neither of them were in love or falling in love, they sure as hell acted like it in public.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Steve groaned when he saw her with Billy in the parking lot before school for the first time.

“Holy shit.” Dustin said from his passenger seat, leaning over to press his face against the window and get a better look. “Well that’s a couple that I never expected to see together.”

“Shut up, Dustin. You don’t have to rub it in my face.” Steve sneers, shooting him a quick glare before turning his attention back to the couple standing in the parking lot.

Jealousy grew inside of Steve as she stood in front of Billy, who leaned against his blue Camaro coolly. She stood on her toes and grinned up at Billy as if to ask for a kiss and he happily reciprocates, leaning down to her lips as his hands snake around her waist. Billy and Y/N both knew Steve was watching, so they put on a show for him. Billy's possessive hands stayed somewhere on her waist or back every time they were together, a knowing smirk playing on his lips.

Steve was hurt, confused and broken. But he knew that he was the reason she was doing what she was. She was trying to remind him of the broken promises and empty apologies he had left her with after they broke up. Was he just selfish? Maybe. But he wanted her and didn’t want her to be with anybody else. His heart broke every time he saw them together, every time Billy touched her skin or kissed her lips when he was around. It should have been Steve doing that, and she knew it all too well. As much as it hurt her to be kissing someone else in front of him, Y/N wanted Steve to feel remorse for his stupidity.

In reality, she was waiting for him to come crawling back to her. She had too much pride to make any first move towards getting back together with him. If that meant she had to wait months for him, she would. Billy and Y/N planned on breaking up after a few weeks to test Steve. She wanted him to do something, say anything about her, even give her a sympathetic or sad look in the hallway. And so she waited, trying to see what Steve would do after hearing of her and Billy breaking off whatever they had. She cried into her pillow every night, hoping that maybe Steve would come to her window to talk to her. She sat in the living room to do her homework after school, hoping that maybe Steve would come to the front door to apologize to her. She hoped and wished, but it seemed like nothing was going to happen. In reality, she just missed everything that they had together.

—

Two weeks after Billy and Y/N broke up, Steve began to see what she had been doing all along. She was trying to make him feel the way she did when she saw him with another girl. Deep down, he kept telling himself that she really did believe his letter from the box of her things. He was right, too. She was waiting for him to come to her, her pride wouldn’t let her come crawling back to Steve.

And Steve did exactly what she needed him to do; she knew him all too well. He waited until the time was right before trying anything, though. He could tell she was struggling when April came around, since graduation was right around the corner. She wasn’t graduating, but Steve was and that stressed her out more than going into her senior year did. She thought their time had run out and that he would leave for somewhere bigger and better. Little did she know, Steve wasn’t leaving Hawkins any time soon and wanted her to be on his side.

Steve waited until halfway through April to even attempt to talk to her again. The first time he tried to go to her locker, he was stopped by Jonathan on the way; he needed help with some pictures. The second time, he got caught up in the sea of people in the school hallway and didn’t want to be late to his English class again. The third time, he chickened out before he made it to her locker. After those three times, he promised himself that he would do something about it outside of school. The hallway seemed too public for him to even talk to her.

One day in late April, Steve finally mustered up enough courage to talk to her. Unfortunately, the day he planned on talking to her in the parking lot after class was a day that it poured rain, and he hadn’t brought an umbrella or worn a hooded jacket. Nevertheless, he had enough strength to talk to her and he was going to do it either way. He tried to get her attention in the front hallway before she walked out the front doors, but he failed miserably. He grabbed for her shoulder, but missed and almost face planted in front of the whole school.

He looked like a stalker, following her to the car in the rain, but he didn’t care. She had an umbrella covering her head as she ran towards her car in the pouring rain. Y/N was caught off guard when she saw a sopping wet boy out of the corner of her eye as she fumbled with her keys. She looked over at him with wide and curious eyes as Steve stood there, the rain pulling his hair down in front of his eyes.

“Can we talk?” Steve called out, trying to speak loud enough for her to hear him over the roaring rain.

“I don’t know, Steve. What in God’s name would you even want to talk to me about?” she questions from under the umbrella, trying to keep her typically brave facade up.

“Oh give it a rest, Y/N! You know exactly why I want to talk to you. Please.” he practically begs as everything on his person becomes drenched with rain.

She can’t tell for sure, but she could have sworn that she saw a tear in the corner of his eye; it was either that or a rogue raindrop that hit his eye. Her gaze softens when she realizes how serious he was being, his tone filled with pain. She nods hesitantly and quickly unlocks her car door, reaching to unlock the passenger side also. Steve hurries to the door and slides in, letting some rain in as he does.

“Before you say anything or cut me off. Just let me say that I’m sorry, I really am. You never gave me a chance to say that in person, and I understand why. But I’m fucking sorry, Y/N. And I love you, still.” Steve says quickly, staring over at her hopefully.

Almost immediately her eyes well up with tears and she tries to blink them away, but it doesn’t work. That’s what she had needed the whole time, just a simple apology. And he had never tried to give it to her. “You’ve had two months to say that, Steve.” she says calmly, staring down at the keys that sat in her lap. “I’ve been waiting for that for two damn months, you asshole.” she says with an exasperated laugh.

“What? That’s all I needed to do? Was say sorry? What the fu-“

“I was going to give you a chance to explain yourself if you apologized to me that night. You didn’t even realize I had seen it. You didn’t run after me or even acknowledge me when you came out of that bedroom and saw me crying on the couch as I slammed back my second bottle of wine by myself. But I guess that damn letter explained everything I needed to know. I didn’t want to believe that you would purposefully do that to me in the first place. I knew you loved me and that something had happened but I was too hurt to think about it, Steve. I didn’t even see you smoking weed with that girl, but obviously whatever you both had was not good and you need a new dealer.” Y/N says, shaking her head again as tears fell from her cheeks and onto her lap.

“Y/N, like I said...I’m so fucking sorry. I know I hurt you so bad. I deserve everything you’ve done to make me hurt back in the past two months. I didn’t deserve to get you back right away. But I love you more than you know, and I don’t know if I could handle you being with another guy again. Even if it wasn’t a real relationship.” Steve said, his lips curving into a tiny smile when he mentions her fake relationship with Billy.

She rolls her eyes and a small laugh escapes her lips at his words. Finally, she makes eye contact with him and sees that she was right; his eyes were teary and his nose red. Without saying another word, she reached across the console of her car and cupped his cheeks softly. The only noise to be heard in the car was the sound of the rain dripping down on the roof. She gazed into his tired, glassy eyes for a moment before kissing him softly.

“I love you too, Steve.”

[scriptura-adrepticius]

It’s OK - Cai Xukun

Hello, can I request something angsty with happy ending with our cutie Xukun?

My first request has now been finished :) I hope you enjoy it, anon!

Pairing: Cai Xukun x OC/reader

Genre: angst, fluff, college!au

Triggers: OC has depression (though not that severe), suicidal thoughts

Word Count: 8.4k

Life has thrown a lot of shit at you and sometimes you really want to give up. However, the appearance of a certain boy in your life makes you dare to hope that things could get better.

Masterlist

if you don’t appreciate cai xukun get the fuck off my blog

When you were born, Apollo graced you with the gift of music.

At three, when you first began piano, everyone was astonished. “This little girl practices two hours a day?” your parents’ friends would say, shocked. “That’s too much, isn’t it?”

No, it wasn’t. You loved music to the moon and back. And when Beethoven sonatas began flowing from your fingertips, they shut up.

As you grew, your skill did as well. A more suitable piano teacher was found for you, and you traveled the country, participating in regional, nationwide, and even international competitions. With each prize you won, with each check you received, your success grew.

To the point that it consumed your mother.

It was she who bought the piano, who found the teacher, who taught you the art of hard work so that you would succeed. It was she who took you to your lessons, who bought you the piano books, who recorded you at competitions and recitals.

It was she who bragged about you to other parents, who began sneaking your money into her bank account until your father stopped her, who slapped your hands when you played a note wrong. It was she who scribbled notes furiously at lessons, berated you for not listening to the teacher properly, who would tell you that you were a disgrace to the household, that if you were blessed with such talent, why couldn’t you play the piece properly?

Then there was the divorce. The whirlwind of papers, of court hearings, of arguments, of screaming and shouting and absolute pain. There was the choice you had to make, her or him.

You chose him.

That was when you lost the piano, you lost the money, and you lost your mother.

Your father’s words were that he didn’t care whether or not you were rich or poor, as long as he had you, he was content. And you were content too. You understood there was not enough money to pay for your music. Your teacher gave you free lessons, but there was no way for you to travel. No way for you to record professional performances and send in recordings. No way for you to continue, unless you paid your own way through.

You rented a piano and paid for it yourself, working two part time jobs. It took two years to own it.

You stayed up late with your teacher’s camera, moving things around the living room of your dingy house to make things look as professional as you could. You borrowed dresses from your teacher’s daughter. You applied for scholarships, for aid, for waivers, and received them all. Your career continued.

Then came college.

The best music school in the country accepted you with full tuition paid. Housing was found, a small apartment in a shabby quarter of the city but not too far from university. The piano was brought over and situated in your small home. You bid goodbye to your father, promising to visit when possible, if possible, and left him waving in the doorway of the small home as the taxi driver drove you away.

You never thought that would be your last time together, but it was. He died a year later from a previously undetected lung disease. All the money had gone to the hospital bills, and you couldn’t go home to see him.

Your last family, your greatest supporter, your father, gone.

You had no one left.

You stare listlessly at your aching hands before closing your eyes, exhaustion rolling over your body in crashing waves. It’s midnight, and the sky outside is pitch black.

Wouldn’t it be better to just give up?

That accursed voice in your head. You know you should ignore it, but that’s such an insurmountable feat to you. And with every little thing it says, the further it pushes you to the edge.

You open your eyes slowly, taking in the dark little room, the only sources of light being two small lamps. One rests on the piano, the other in front of you.

The piano. Your pride and joy. A tiny smile graces your features. A secondhand Yamaha upright sold to you by a kind gentleman whose daughter had switched to violin instead. It’s by no means gorgeous, but it’s not shabby either.

The piano gives you a little source of strength, that you’ve come this far and your father would never have wanted you to abandon yourself like this.

Day in, day out, this is your daily routine. Go to school. Do homework on the bus. Work one or both of your jobs. Come home. Practice. Sleep, maybe. The voice in your head never leaves, nagging you softly but insistently, some days louder than others, but never ceasing. Only the memories of your father and the sturdy, shiny piano in your living room give you hope.

~~~

Cai Xukun was blessed when he was born. By whom, no one is quite sure, because is there any one deity in charge of beauty, kindness, and music? No, Cai Xukun must have been blessed by them all, because how could a normal human be so talented?

He was rich, meaning he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But he never let that get to him. Xukun was kind, ever so helpful to his peers. Everyone loved him, and if they didn’t, it was because they were jealous.

Music came naturally to him. He was a born dancer, and when he discovered hip hop, he was unstoppable. Cai Xukun’s name became known not just because of his parents, but because of his hard work and his talent.

He had a broadened perspective of the world, having gone to school abroad and experienced the mixing of cultures. He spoke good English, and even halfway across the globe, people loved him. It was impossible not to. Handsome, sweet, smart. A difficult combination to find in this warped society of today.

Not everything in his life was all good, though. He came back from America and signed with a company to become an idol. He debuted under SWIN, broke his back working hard for the company, and ultimately left for another company following a massive lawsuit that after much grueling work, he won.

The new company was kinder, no longer forcing him to pay out of his own pocket for promotional activities that were their own responsibility. He was accepted to the most prestigious art university in the country and went there with his friends.

Xukun laughs at something Ziyi said, dribbling the basketball to give his hands something to do. Dancing is great and all, but sometimes he craves something different, and that’s when he goes with the rest of the group to play basketball. The court is located kind of far from where they all live, a mostly-abandoned old park in a kind of shady part of the city, but he likes it there. It’s removed from the bustling hubbub of the inner city, and he can shout and enjoy himself without worrying about destroying his image.

His image. It’s something he’s cultivated over years. It’s the perfect Xukun that everyone sees, the sweet, handsome, clever boy that everyone falls in love with. In truth, Xukun isn’t just sweet, he isn’t just sexy, he isn’t just the picture-perfect boy at university. He’s so much more, and he wishes people could see that.

His friends know what he’s talking about. Most of them grew up in rich families, exposed to people since they were small. They know how to hide their true feelings behind a pretty smile, how to please people, how to be the perfect godsends they were meant to be. That’s why they’re so close.

Xukun’s routine is one he doesn’t mind. Go to university, do homework, train, maybe attend a dinner or dance or something like that if his parents want, train, and sleep. Some days he doesn’t sleep, but he doesn’t mind. He’s living his dream. Only one thing is missing, and that’s someone who he can lean on and spill all of his worries to. He has his friends, of course, but every one of them is preoccupied with their own things, and they’re busy most of the time.

He can’t just unload all of his worries and troubles on someone, anyway.

. . . . .

Exhaustion is just another part of your life now. It’s gotten to the point that you don’t even notice the dark circles under your eyes anymore. It doesn’t matter to you. No one except the professors ever want to talk to you, because they prefer to just whisper behind your back about your massive musical talent but apparent lack of social skills.

No matter. They’re not important to you. You’re just trying to make it through the day.

Just end it all, the vicious voice in your head whispers. No one will miss you, and your misery will be over.

It’s hard to not listen, but you make an effort anyway. Things are a little better when you land a gig as the background pianist at one of the Cai family’s famous parties. No one really pays attention to you, but the handsome son of the house is kind enough to talk with you a little on your break. His friends are pleasant as well, and you leave the hotel that night contented.

His name runs through your head. Cai Xukun. He has it all, you think. Looks, money, and a wonderful personality. You’ve heard he debuted in an idol group too.

It’s surprising when you see him across campus one day as you drag yourself to the café. You stop, shocked, before hastily turning away.

Just because he talked to you once doesn’t mean he will again, you think miserably. Anyway, you’re pretty much a peasant next to him. For his sake, he should probably stay away from you.

Too late, though.

“Liyun?!”

You swallow hard, turning around slowly to see Xukun in the same café you’re in. You brave a smile and wave a little. “Hi, Xukun.”

“I didn’t know you went here,” he says, intense gaze trained on you and making you blush. His gaze makes you feel like an open book, and that he’s reading every page.

“I could say the same for you.” You take your order, a small cup of hot chocolate, and take a sip, allowing the creamy sweetness to spread throughout your body. You turn away, ready to leave.

“Why are you in such a rush?” Xukun asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.

Maybe because I’m just an antisocial piece of trash and royalty like you shouldn’t be speaking to me.

“Uh…”

“Come on, sit with me,” he says, grinning. Trapped, you look at the door and then at the chair. Grudgingly, you sit down with him.

“What are you studying?” Xukun asks, taking a sip of his drink.

“Uh, I’m here for piano.”

“Should’ve guessed,” Xukun says, rolling his eyes a little. “You played really well at the party.”

At the word ‘party,’ a few people around you perk up, turning to look at you. You nervously smile at him, fingers gripping your cup like your life depends on it. “Thank you,” you say cautiously.

You can already hear the whispers.

Why’s she sitting with Cai Xukun?

What’s that I hear about her going to one of his parties?

Why would trash like her be going to a party anyway?

Jesus, I didn’t see it before, but those eyebags make her look just like a panda. Disgusting.

“I’ve… gotta go now,” you say quickly, your face becoming hot and uncomfortable from the looks you’re receiving. “I… have to get to work.”

“Aww.” Xukun pouts adorably, standing up as well. “I’ll see you around then, Liyun.” He flashes you a charming smile before leaving.

You walk out the door quickly, the cold air hitting you and providing a pleasant contrast to the heat of your face. “Oh my god,” you mumble.

~~~

Xukun is intrigued by you. You’re soft-spoken, not talkative, and humble, but you carry yourself with a certain grace that just catches his eye. You’re so talented and it’s obvious you work so hard, and he can’t help admiring you even though you’ve barely spoken to him.

It surprises him, but also not really, when he sees you in the campus café. He hasn’t seen you around campus, but with your skill it’s no surprise that you’re studying here. He’s eager to learn more about you so he’s pleased when you sit down with him, but it’s a shame you had to leave so early.

The anxious look on your face made it seem almost like you didn’t want to talk to him.

“Why the long face, Kunkun?” Zhengting asks, tossing him the ball.

“No reason,” Xukun answers, swishing the ball neatly through the hoop. Ziyi catches it easily, dribbling it on his way over. “You sure about that?”

Xukun rolls his eyes. After all, you’re just another person- interesting, but Xukun isn’t a stalker. It doesn’t make sense to mope about you, since you’ve only spoken to him what, three times? “Yes, I’m sure,” he replies, stealing the ball away.

Ziyi yells, chasing Xukun across the court as Zhengting laughs from the sidelines. They’re all laughing and yelling and running, and Xukun’s having so much fun that he almost doesn’t see the shadowy wisp of a girl walking down the street.

Xukun freezes, looking over his shoulder at you, his eyes narrowing slightly. For a moment, he’s not sure he’s seeing correctly, because why would you live in this kind of place? But then you pass under the glow of a streetlamp, and he catches a glimpse of your features.

You look absolutely exhausted.

“Ha! Gotcha!” Ziyi yells, snatching the ball out of Xukun’s hands. “What’re you looking at?”

“Nothing,” Xukun replies quickly. “I just thought I saw someone I knew, but there’s no way it’s them.”

He’s pretty sure his eyes didn’t lie, though.

. . . . .

Cai Xukun.

For some stupid, stupid reason, you can’t stop thinking about him.

The whole time you’re wiping down tables, washing dishes, and taking orders, he’s in the back of your mind. Maybe it’s his dashing looks, his kind smile, his innate comfortableness with almost everyone he speaks to.

Maybe it’s because that time he spoke to you at the party was the first time in years that someone had spoken to you as a friend.

It thrills you a little that Xukun wanted to talk to you today at the café. And you’d have loved to talk to him a little more, but there were too many people. Too many stares. And you’re not even worthy of being in his presence, you think with a cynical smile.

That’s right. You’re not good enough.

You scowl, scrubbing the plate just a little too hard. Stop it, you think. Stop.

The voice fades away and you sigh. It’s only a temporary relief, though. You know you’ll be feeling worthless again sometime soon.

You go back to thinking about Cai Xukun, because why the hell not, it provides a little respite from all the worries you shoulder every day.

When you go home and sit down at your piano, you browse through your stack of music books before alighting your eyes on a score you haven’t touched in a long time.

You haven’t played anything very… joyful in a while. Not since your father’s death. You’re not quite ready to start again, but you pick a piece that’s a little more lighthearted than the heavy, dense works you play every night.

Mendelssohn’s Rondo Capriccioso is a masterpiece. Like all other masterpieces, it tells a story within the pages of the score. Your fingers stumble a little as you try to recall the notes, but you close your eyes and let the music wash over you, trusting your subconscious to lead your hands where they’re supposed to go. By the end, a serene smile is on your lips, and you feel more content than you have in the past few weeks.

The next day, you feel a little happier as you step on the bus to uni. The faintly happy feeling stays with you until, not watching where you’re going, you stumble into someone whose name you can’t quite recall. Instead of accepting your hasty apology, the boy just gives you a look- you know that look- and walks away.

A bitter smile crosses your face as you continue to gaze in his direction.

It seems everyone’s abandoned you.

This time, you can’t help but agree with the voice a little. You don’t want to, but it’s not wrong.

The happy feeling is gone as you trudge to the music building. Just outside your professor’s office, you take a deep breath and fix a fake smile on your face.

Better fake than none at all, you think.

. . . . .

For a couple weeks, thing go well by your standards, which really aren’t that high. You continue to work, you hardly see Xukun, and you manage to scrape together enough money to pay another couple month’s rent in advance.

The second part could be taken in two ways, really. Xukun’s kind and you’d really like to see him again sometime, but the fear of rumors and unwanted attentions keeps you from actively seeking him out.

Sighing, you look into the dirty mirror, examining your haggard face with tired eyes.

“God,” you mumble, “my eye bags are horrible.”

You look like a fucking panda.

But what did I expect, anyway?

You huff, staring at your reflection. Your dull eyes stare back mockingly, reminding you again that you would be nothing save for your musical abilities. Reminding you that you are nothing, that you don’t have looks, you don’t have money, that you don’t have anything except your old piano.

You shake your head irritably. “Stop,” you tell yourself firmly. Bad thoughts will only bring bad luck.

That thought turns out to be true. Even though there’s probably no true correlation, you end up being fired from your waitressing job because the restaurant is failing.

It takes so much effort to get yourself out of bed the next day. You spend ten minutes just staring dully out of the still dark window, unable to find the motivation to stand.

Is the world really that against me?

To make matters worse, your professor proposes group performances for the upcoming showcase. It’s a huge event- some of the most famous musicians in the world come to watch, and even important members of the government have been known to attend.

It makes you sick to your stomach. You’ve been promised your solo, of course, but you’re not eager to work with anyone in your class. Half of them don’t know who you are, and the other half avoid you like the plague.

And oh god, oh god, why did you have to get paired with the one and only Fan Chengcheng?

The stares and whispers that accompany the announcement of your name nearly bring tears to your eyes, and when your professor dismisses class, you’re out of the door before he’s even done speaking.

The bus is nearly empty save for a few people here and there when you drag yourself on, sitting down in a seat in the back. The tears start flowing, and you stare out the window, hiding your face from everyone else out of sheer embarrassment.

Stop crying, you dumbass!

You wipe the tears silently, gulping to release the huge lump in your throat. The wetness continues to flow down your cheeks, however, and you angrily bring your arm across your eyes, harshly shoving the salty liquid away from your eyes.

Stop fucking crying! Why are you so weak? What the fuck, Liyun?

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

You whip around so quickly your neck nearly cracks, eyes widening at the sight of Cai Xukun.

Oh, no, please no…

You shake your head quickly, swallowing thickly. “Nothing,” you say unconvincingly. “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” he says calmly, looking you directly in the eye. “You look exhausted.”

You can’t deny that. You must look absolutely horrible. “Sorry,” you mumble.

“Why are you apologizing?” he asks, gazing at you plainly. “You should really get some rest.”

“I’m fine,” you repeat. “I’ve survived for the past few years. I’m fine.”

“Survived?” Xukun raises an eyebrow at your choice of words.

The bus stops, and you look up to see you’ve reached your stop. “Well, would you look at that, it’s my stop.” You force a smile to Xukun, though your eyes are still red. “I guess I’ll see you around.” He opens his mouth as though to say something, but you’re gone before he does. You hurry off the bus as fast as you can.

Xukun looks out the window, scrutinizing you as you walk away. He watches you bring your arm against your eyes again, so harshly it looks like you’re trying to scrub the skin away from your face. He notes your clenched teeth and severe expression, a slight chill running down his spine.

He’s never seen anyone look so angry, yet so defeated.

~~~

You throw your backpack on the table, making it shake. There are no more tears, thank god, but your eyes are red and puffy and you’re so, so angry.

The world fucking hates you.

A disbelieving laugh bubbles in your throat, and you let it out, sinking to your knees. “Why,” you say hoarsely. “Why?!”

“Why did you give me this talent, if you were going to throw everything else you’ve got at me?”

“Why did you bless me, then leave me to drown?”

“Why?”

“Why?!”

“WHY?!”

You’re yelling, and you’ll probably get a noise complaint, but you’re too far gone to care. You just storm over to the piano, angrily tugging out the books containing the densest pieces you’ve ever played.

You can’t scream out your thoughts, so you convey them through the piano, hands sweeping across the keyboard in wide gestures, fingers digging into the keys with force. You play for hours, switching from one piece to the other, until it’s ten at night and your fingers are screaming and you’re exhausted.

Your hands are shaking, your body trembling, but there are no more tears to fall. You stare at the piano blankly, making no effort to move.

It hurts to breathe.

Your father is gone. Your mother is gone. Your childhood is gone. You are gone.

Only the piano in front of you remains constant, and you’re beginning to wonder if the sturdy instrument is even worth all this trouble of keeping yourself alive.

Your breathing is shallow, panting, harsh. Your eyes are hollow, and you feel numb. Numb to the world. Numb to the pain. Numb to everything.

You don’t feel hurt anymore.

You just don’t feel anything.

~~~

You’re in the back of Xukun’s thoughts for the next few days. He doesn’t see you around, but the expression you wore that day haunts him.

It was terrifying, to say the least.

Still, thoughts of you get pushed away in favor of social appearances, where he can’t let any worry show on his face. They come one after another- one of his parents’ parties, Zhengting’s birthday party, a dance, a corporate dinner.

It sickens him. The smile he wears becomes progressively faker and more exaggerated with every hand he shakes, with every kiss on the cheek he gives, with every polite conversation he has with some stupid official he cares nothing for.

And on top of all else, his parents are pushing him to bring a girl home. He remembers that conversation clear as day.

“Xukun, you know you need to carry on our line, right?”

He’d choked on his water. “What-”

“Your father is absolutely right,” his mother had interrupted, leaning towards her son. “You haven’t brought a single girl home so far, and I’m sure you have no shortage of admirers.”

Xukun had simply looked down sullenly, biting his lip hard.

Admirers don’t matter, Mom. They only see one side of me. What if I want to be with someone who actually knows me?

He just mumbled an “Okay.” Neither of his parents looked satisfied, but he was dismissed.

“Ge, do you know a girl named Liyun?” Chengcheng’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and he nods quickly. “Yeah, why?”

“We got paired for a performance at the showcase,” Chengcheng explains. “I need to talk to her, but she ran out of class the day we were paired up and I don’t have her number. She wasn’t here today either.”

Xukun frowns. “I don’t have her number either. Sorry, Cheng.”

The younger boy shrugs. “I’ll catch up to her one way or another. Thanks, Kun.”

Liyun.

Xukun’s thoughts turn back to you, again wondering about just how bad your situation is for you to have looked so horrible at that moment.

. . . . .

You drag yourself to school after skipping a day to send out another twenty or so job applications. Once you enter the classroom, almost late, you see many heads turn in your direction. Instead of shrinking into yourself like you normally would, however, you sigh and just move to your regular seat.

“Whisper about me. Gossip. I don’t care,” you mutter.

The numbness has gone a little, but it’s an unwelcome change. You almost prefer the emotionless state you were in a few days ago to the more humanistic state you’re in now.

You’re just waiting for class to finish so you can go home and do nothing for another day. However, when class ends, your professor calls you back to stay for a minute longer.

Professor Dao is nice and kind. You don’t mind him.

He’s also very straightforward.

“Liyun, is something wrong?” he asks, looking at you with worried eyes.

Yes.

“No,” you reply, putting on your best ‘I’m okay’ face. “I’m fine, Professor.”

You can see he doesn’t believe you, but you say nothing else.

“I don’t believe you,” he finally says. “Look at yourself in the mirror. How much sleep do you get each night?”

Not enough.

“Uh… enough.” You shift from one foot to the other, lacing your fingers together.

“Liyun, if you don’t say anything, how is anyone supposed to help you?” Professor Dao takes off his glasses, looking at you plaintively. “You’re struggling. I can tell. Let someone help you, at least.”

You swallow. “I’m not struggling,” you finally say, wincing at how big of a lie that is.

Professor Dao sighs. “Well, at least see the school counselor,” he implores. “She’s not patronizing, I promise. She can help.”

You nod awkwardly. “Okay.”

“Good luck with your performance, then, Liyun. Remember to talk to Chengcheng.” Professor Dao smiles before dismissing you.

Dread fills you the minute you lock eyes with said boy outside the classroom. “Hey, Liyun,” he says, walking over to you. “Do you have some time to talk?”

“Uh… sure.” You follow him outside in awkward silence.

“What the hell is Yuan Liyun doing with Fan Chengcheng?!”

You stop in your tracks, lifting your head to stare at a tall boy who’s looking at you with absolute disgust.

Your throat closes up.

God fucking dammit, stupid emotions.

“I think we should talk later,” you mumble. “Or even better, you should find another partner.”

“Liyun-” Chengcheng starts.

“And fuck you,” you spit at the tall boy.

“Liyun, wait-”

Too late. You’re already hurrying away, moving with surprising speed so that by the time Chengcheng comes back to his senses, you’re already long gone.

There are no tears this time as you walk aimlessly around campus, trying to find a quiet place to just think. The only place that comes to mind are the practice rooms where there’s rarely anyone at this time of the day, so you find an empty room, shut the door, and situate yourself at the piano.

You start off with Chopin, switching to Schumann, then Beethoven, then Ravel, and back to Chopin, until you can’t feel or see your hands anymore through the tears blurring your vision.

Your fingers ache, your mind hurts, but you can’t stop. You can’t. Playing is the only thing that makes you feel alive. So you force your fingers to move, to continue pressing the keys, to spread across the keyboard and play the notes that you’ve learned for so long.

The final melodies taper away, leaving you staring at the keyboard with wet eyes. You’re panting slightly, and you’re empty and you’re hopeless and you’re tired.

So, so tired.

~~~

The music coming from the room is so beautiful that Xukun’s a little disappointed when it stops. No one else is in the hall, so he’s just standing outside, listening.

When no one comes out for a long time, however, he starts to feel a little concerned for whoever was just playing. He’s not really a shy boy, but he isn’t that outgoing either, so he hesitates a little before creaking the door open.

Xukun’s not surprised it was you there, but he is surprised to see you crying. You don’t even look up when he comes into the room, only sparing him a slight glance when he sits down next to you.

“You should go,” you mumble, head in your arms. “You don’t need to be seen with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Xukun asks, totally confused. “Why?”

You lift your head fully to look him straight in the eye, and he’s shocked at the hopelessness he sees within them. The slight laugh you let out chills his spine further. “I’ll just ruin your reputation.”

“Fuck my reputation,” Xukun says vehemently, startling you a little with the harshness of his tone. “Uh, sorry,” he mumbles, looking embarrassed.

You let out a shaky laugh. “Sounds like you’ve got a little experience with that,” you mumble, wiping your eyes.

“Too much,” Xukun mutters, looking at you. “Now, what’s happening with you? Why are you crying?”

You snort. “Oh, no reason. Just that everything’s going fucking wrong and the world is fucking against me and people don’t even try to hide that they hate me anymore and I kind of don’t want to live anymore but I’m too scared to end things.”

Xukun’s not quite sure what to say to that outburst, but he simply places an arm over your trembling shoulders. “Cry.”

“What?” You look at him quizzically.

“Cry,” he says again. “Holding things in makes it worse. Just cry. You’re not weak if you cry. It’s okay.”

Those words release the flood of tears that have been waiting to gush out since the moment that boy said what he did. Xukun’s arm stays around you the whole time you’re sobbing, a steady constant that makes you feel vulnerable but protected at the same time.

Xukun’s heart is breaking a little as he sits with you, watching you cry so hard. What could have happened to you, he wonders, to make you this upset?

“Sorry,” you finally mumble, your shuddering sobs weakening.

“Don’t apologize,” Xukun replies softly. “Everyone has the right to feel weak. No one has to stay strong for so long.”

“Be that as it may, you shouldn’t have to randomly listen to a stranger sob their eyes out on the floor of a music room,” you say.

“A stranger?”

“Well… we’re not exactly friends, are we?” You look at him, stumbling a little on the word ‘friends.’

God, I haven’t had a friend in so long.

It takes you a moment to realize you said that out loud, and you groan, placing your head in your hands. “Ignore that.”

A warm hand pushes your forehead up, making you look into his eyes. “I’ll be your friend, Liyun,” he says quietly. A small, beautiful smile spreads across his lips.

“Are you sure about that?” you ask. “I’m probably pretty high maintenance.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yes.”

Xukun smiles. “Then I think I’m up for it. Promise me one thing, though.”

“What’s that?” you ask, wiping your eyes.

He looks at you seriously. “No matter what happens,” he says, enunciating each word carefully, “do not give up. Got it?”

You think for a long moment. Is he worth it? You can’t deny that you want so badly to have a friend to lean on, but you’ve been alone for so long. It’s scary to think about moving on from that life. And what if Xukun turns out to be insincere? Though you don’t want to think about that, it’s a possibility.

But you take a chance.

“Got it,” you whisper.

. . . . .

Weeks pass, then months, and Xukun keeps to his word. He introduces you to his friend group, hypes you up, and is just a good friend to you. You end up talking to Chengcheng and you work out your performance together.

The stares and whispers still get to you, to a point, but you become a little less self-conscious as time passes. Your sadness and anger dissipates a little, and you find yourself even singing a little when you walk home and such.

You’re happy to say that it seems like things are getting a little better. Most of Xukun’s friends are rather well off, but they’re all pretty down-to-earth and mature, and you get a lot more piano gigs through them, which more than make up for the job you lost. They’re kind and supportive, and you find yourself slowly clawing your way out of the depression that’s plagued you for the past few years.

And Xukun. Oh, Xukun.

Xukun is so, so kind. He makes you feel like there’s something you can live for. That there are actually people that care for you on this godforsaken planet.

One day, he runs over to you excitedly, pressing a flyer into your hands. You read the words, eyebrows rising, until the last sentence.

“This competition’s in Shanghai, Xukun,” you say, shoulders slumping in disappointment. “I don’t have the money to get there.”

“But I do,” he says, smiling sneakily.

“Xukun, you can’t pay for this for me,” you say, crossing your arms. “That’s too much!”

He steps forward, placing his hands on your shoulders. “Liyun, you’ve suffered long enough,” he says softly. “Let me do something to help.”

You don’t know how much you’ve helped thus far, Xukun.

The intense gaze in his eyes makes you melt, however, so those words stay locked in your throat. Instead, you just nod slightly. “You’re too kind, Kun,” you murmur, eyes shining.

Though you can’t see it, the glimmering happiness in your eyes makes Xukun’s stomach explode into butterflies. “You deserve to do what you love, Liyun,” he says staunchly. “Money doesn’t need to stop you.”

And it doesn’t. With your new friends’ help, you put together a suitable recording for the first round, and Xukun’s right there with you when you go to Shanghai for the second. When you win the second round, he’s in the audience, clapping and cheering for you so loudly as you walk up to receive your cash prize and medal.

It’s after that second round that he asks you out, and in your euphoria, you answer that question with a kiss.

He isn’t there when you win the third and final round in Vienna, Austria, but he is when you touch down back in China, exhausted but still riding the wave of success. He’s there to catch you in a huge hug, planting a kiss on your forehead when you relax against him, finally feeling that something’s okay in this world.

Maybe Dad is watching.

But that voice. That stupid voice.

It left you for a little bit, but it came back.

You don’t deserve any of this.

What did you do to deserve Xukun’s love? You don’t deserve him.

And try as you might not to listen, it gets harder and harder with every passing day.

. . . . .

Xukun’s parents are lovely people. You have no doubt that they’re the ones who raised the lovely boy who stands by you every day, loving you despite all your faults and shortcomings.

In fact, they love you so much that they invite you one of their social gatherings. You’re pretty sure part of the reason is that they want Xukun to show you off, but you’re agreeable to this idea. Most of Xukun’s friends are going to be there anyway, so you won’t be alone.

Still, there are other less-than-agreeable people that are going to the party because of their social standing. And when they catch wind that you’re going- with Xukun, no less- things get a lot worse.

“Gold digger.”

“You think she seduced him?”

“How could she, with that kind of a disgusting face?”

“But then how else would she have gotten together with him?”

Stares and whispers follow you down the hall, and the voice comes back stronger than ever. You have so much to be thankful for, but all of that gets pushed away because you’re just not good enough.

It comes to a breaking point when you walk out of class one day to see the same stupid tall boy from months ago that you told to fuck off. Only this time, there’s a sneering girl with him.

“So, Liyun,” she smirks, walking over to you. You look at her warily, eyes darting around in search of Xukun or Zhengting or Chengcheng or anybody.

“Who did you sleep with to get that high up the social ladder?”

“I thought we were talking about me, not you,” you say lowly, watching with dark satisfaction at the offended expression that plasters itself onto her face.

“Bitch,” she sneers. “Did you sleep with Cai Xukun, then? Must have been some amazing sex, because there’s no other way he would go out with someone like you.”

By now, a small crowd has formed around you two. You look around frantically, searching for a friendly face, but there are none. Chengcheng wasn’t in class today, and you have no idea where the others are.

“If you’re wondering if he would go out with you, I don’t think so, not with that bitch-ass personality of yours,” you say, not really thinking. Once the words are out of your mouth, however, you immediately regret everything.

Oh, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut? What’s wrong with you?

For a moment, it looks like she’s going to slap you, but she breathes out deeply, barely controlling her anger. “You don’t deserve him,” she spits.

That actually hurts.

The blank expression that falls over your face must startle her, because she steps back a little.

It’s true. You don’t deserve him. You never did.

You don’t say another word. Ignoring everyone around you, you shove her away before pushing your way out of the crowd, your footsteps sounding loudly on the hard floor.

Without a glance back, you push open the doors and step outside.

~~~

Xukun’s surprised and a little more than worried when he sees the unmoving crowd around your classroom. Everyone seems to be in a state of slight shock.

“What happened?” he asks, looking around confusedly. “Where’s Liyun?”

His gaze travels around the frozen crowd of students, growing more and more concerned by the minute. Then his eyes come to rest on her.

“Lihua,” he says softly, dangerously.

She looks to him, surprised and a little scared. Xukun’s eyes are intense and angry and nothing like his normal expression.

“What did you say to her?”

Lihua says nothing.

“What did you say to her?!” Xukun asks again, his eyes blazing.

When she still doesn’t reply, Xukun restrains himself with difficulty. “Where did she go?” he asks, frantic. A student silently points out the doors, and he runs off without a backward glance.

~~~

Tears blur your vision as you walk, wiping your eyes every so often and purposely ignoring everything and everyone around you.

Tears, tears, and more tears. When will they ever stop?

Your feet take you to the practice building, but you don’t walk inside any of the rooms. Instead, you go to the end of the hall, then take the stairs, climbing up, up, up, until you reach the door that’ll lead to the roof.

You take a deep breath, then climb out. From the roof, you can see everything- the buildings you’ve become accustomed to, the students milling around the fields, the little café where you talked to Xukun so long ago.

It takes seconds for you to walk to the edge of the roof. You look down, feeling a rush flow up your spine.

You could do it. You could end things right here. Right now. A slight wind blows, ruffling your clothes, nudging you forward. 

And you swear you almost do it. You almost do. For one split second, you’re ready to fall, ready to embrace the wind, ready to leave the world. But Xukun’s words, those words he spoke to you that day in the practice room, run through your mind.

“No matter what happens, do not give up. Got it?”

“But wouldn’t it be better for him if I ended it now?” you murmur, looking down again. The building is tall. There’s little doubt that a jump would end you.

Xukun could live a life without you. 

“But I promised,” you argue with yourself.

Promise.

Just like Xukun promised you he would help.

And didn’t he?

Your feet move, backing away from the edge bit by bit, until you’re five feet away from the dizzying drop.

Your tears have dried in tracks on your cheeks, but you don’t care. Instead, you sit, gazing at the sky, but not really seeing anything. You don’t feel numb, but you don’t feel much of anything either. You’re mostly just… sad. There’s no other word for it.

You don’t know how long you sit there. It could be minutes or it could be hours. All you know is that suddenly, the door is bursting open, and Xukun is there, breathing heavily and eyes frantic until he sees you staring at him.

“Oh my god,” he sighs, placing his arms around you as he collapses into sitting position. “I… I didn’t know where you were, I didn’t know what you might have done…”

Those words strike a chord in your heart, and suddenly you’re very, very glad you didn’t do it.

“I almost did it, Kun,” you say shakily. “I almost did it.”

And then you dissolve into tears.

There’s silence as Xukun rocks you back and forth, tears flowing out of yours and his eyes as you clutch his arms with the little strength you have left.

“I thought you were afraid of heights,” you remark finally, gazing idly over his shoulder.

“You’re bringing that up now, when Lihua obviously said something horrible to you?” he asks, pulling away to look at you. His gaze is even more intense than usual, his voice more broken than you’ve ever heard. It makes your heart want to break too. “What could she have said to make you...?”

He doesn’t complete the question, but it’s obvious what he wanted to say.

You’re unwilling to impart the hurtful words that still haven’t left you, but you take a deep breath.

“She said I didn’t deserve you.”

Xukun is silent, holding you close as you stare at him. His eyes are wide, but you can’t read the emotions within.

“And… she’s right,” you whisper. “When did I ever deserve you? You did so much for me and I’ve done nothing in return…”

It feels like you’re about to cry again, but you have no tears left. You duck your head, unable to look at him any longer.

“Liyun.”

You don’t dare to look up.

“Liyun, look at me.” A hand cups your chin, tilting your face up so that you’re gazing at his clear, dark eyes. “Listen to me.

“You are not underserving,” he says. You begin to shake your head, but he continues to speak, cutting you off. “I suddenly came into your life. You pushed me away at first, but then you let me in. I have friends and a great family, but you were refreshing. Quiet. Talented. So, so hardworking. And most importantly, you cared for me because of who I was. Not because I had money, or because I was cute, or sexy, or perfect. You saw my imperfections and loved me for them. You saw me and loved me for me. I have my friends and family, but you’re the only one I can speak to like this. They all have an innate understanding of me, but sometimes I have to let things out. You’re the only one who allows me to do so.”

You would say you’re moved to tears by this, but only one slips down your face. You’re all cried out, and a dull headache is beginning to spread from all of the tears.

“So in return,” he continues softly, “I listen to you. I help you. I support you. And I love you. You deserve everything I give you. So please, never let me hear you say you’re undeserving again.”

You sigh. “It’s hard,” you whisper. “I’m tired, Xukun. So tired.”

Xukun exhales, his breath ruffling your hair, and he drops a light kiss on your head. “I know, Liyun,” he whispers. “But I’ll be there for you. We’ll all be there for you.”

It’s this support that you always needed but never had. Your father had always tried to be there for you, but he was always busy as the main source of income for the two of you. When he died, you had no one.

But now you have Zhengting, you have Chengcheng, you have Ziyi, and most importantly, you have Xukun.

It makes you dare to hope that things will get better. And not temporarily.

Permanently.

. . . . .

The next couple of months is spent building yourself up. You’ve been battered down for so long that it’s hard to come back up, but with Xukun’s encouragement, you go to see the school counselor, Mrs. Liao, who’s actually very kind.

Things are going okay, up until Xukun shows you the guest list for the party you’ll be attending. You wrinkle your nose upon seeing Lihua’s name, but whatever.

You really get a shock when you see your mother’s name next to some other guy who you assume she married.

“Liyun?”

Xukun’s voice brings you back to your senses, and you point weakly to the name. “I think she’s my mother.”

A tensing of his face, a bite of his lips, a worried expression in his eyes, a slightly tighter grip on your arm. All of these show just how much he cares for you, and your heart melts.

How did I get so lucky?

“Are you… okay with this?”

You come back to reality to nod slightly. “I think I’m ready to get over her.”

Xukun gazes at you softly, a slight smile on his lips at how proud he is of you. “I’ll be there with you,” he says, making you smile.

~~~

The day of the social event finally comes, and you’re a nervous wreck. Xukun drives you to his house and sends you away to get ready with some of the other girls, namely the other boys’ girlfriends and sisters. All of them are super kind and sweet, and you’re pretty sure you’re falling in love with Zhengting’s girlfriend, Yu.

(Later that night, you inform him of this. He just laughs and says, “Well, who wouldn’t fall for her?” You can’t help but agree.)

You have on a dress that Xukun bought you, a gorgeous thing that makes you feel prettier than you’ve ever felt before. With Yu’s help, you manage the low heels she’s lending you and Liying, Chengcheng’s girlfriend, helps you with your hair.

“You look beautiful,” you say shyly to her. Liying’s an absolute knockout in her blue dress and silver heels, and she only looks prettier when she blushes and smiles. “Thanks, Liyun,” she giggles. “You’re beautiful too.”

“Am I not beautiful as well?” Xinyuan yells from across the room. You, Liying, and Yu roll your eyes in unison. “Of course you are!” you yell back to Xinchun’s sister.

The uncomfortable heels and hours of prep are worth it when you walk into the large ballroom where most of the boys are waiting impatiently. Xukun’s eyes round wide, so wide, and as you get closer, he can’t even speak.

“You’re beautiful,” he finally whispers, bringing up a hand to gently touch your cheek. You laugh a little, placing a kiss on his lips. “You don’t look too bad yourself,” you tease.

“Never seen Xukun look so whipped before,” Zeren quips from a little further away, making you blush.

The social gathering begins, and you mill around with Xukun, politely greeting new people who have varying degrees of interest in you. Some are very interested in your musical career, while others prefer to speak to Xukun about his parents’ business. Either way, you’re content, because you have free food, friends, and Xukun at your side.

It’s only after the dinner that you end up having to speak to her. You’re not terribly pleased, but when Xukun gives you a worried look, you just smile smoothly in response.

“Long time no see,” you say, unable to keep a slight bite out of your tone.

She stares at you for a moment, recognition flickering in her eyes, before a snide smile twists her lips. “Daughter.”

“I don’t think so,” you say lightly. “Biologically, yes. Otherwise, I think not.”

Xukun squeezes your hand. You squeeze back to tell him you’re okay.

“Just as insolent as I remembered,” she scoffs in a failed attempt to demean you. Only you don’t even care.

“Just as stuck-up as I remembered,” you retort, a slight smile on your lips.

“Stuck-up?! You are-”

“I am happier and more successful than you will ever be,” you interrupt. “I haven’t forgotten how you used me for your own personal gain, Mother. I haven’t forgotten how you left me and Father to fend for ourselves. I haven’t forgotten anything.” You look at her steadily, forcing her to look back at you.

“But don’t worry,” you continue. “I’m free from you. You have no hold over me anymore. And mark my words, Mother, when I’m at the top, you won’t be hearing from me.”

Perhaps it’s mean or brash or insolent of you, but you don’t care. You’ve suffered for so long that you can’t and don’t want to stop those words from rolling off your tongue. It gives you a sense of satisfaction to watch her struggle with her words, trying to formulate something to say.

“Until we meet again,” you say, smirking. “Hopefully not.”

When you turn away, leaving her in silence, you feel yourself relax, a rush of relief, joy, and contentment washing over you. You look at Xukun, who gazes at you softly.

“I’m so, so proud of you,” he whispers, lacing his fingers with yours.

It’s going to take a long time to fully recover from the struggles of the past years, but you are no longer alone. You have Zhengting, you have Yu, you have Chengcheng, you have them all. You have Professor Dao, you have Mrs. Liao, you have Xukun. You have your father watching from above.

And you have yourself.

A slow smile spreads across your face, and when Xukun places his lips on yours, you hear a beautiful melody ringing in your ears, a melody that hints at desperation and sadness, but yet sings of hope and joy and of a dream come true.

It’s in that moment that you know things are going to be okay.

It’ll all be okay.