#sysjournal

[arcusf4rley]

Jaime hereeee :3

I love this life milo created for us!!! ♥︎♥︎

[lost-dreamers-troupe]

Getting reassurance from multiple people that like, this is real and we're not just like, playing pretend in a way that we have no control over (which would...make it real, I guess but y'know how it is)

Is really nice. Hearing that there's clear differences between us -- ways we hold our body, ways we talk, ways we move -- more than just what I (Roz) am cognizant of while someone else is fronting.

Because when someone else is fronting, I'm looking through them like a filter -- I'm still there (usually) but everything is colored by the perception of the person driving. So I feel their feelings and their ways of looking at the world.

So like, I can remember or tell when I'm Adam because I can feel the way my posture shifts -- I can feel the way he looks at the world and feel his like, default emotional status.

But that's all internal, at least other than posture and voice (which hits out at around the bottom of my speaking range) and so it's always like "well I (Roz) am still here -- I'm still cognizant of everything, still looking at everything that happens (usually)." so it feels... fake. It feels like I must just be playing, I must just be roleplaying but...

I am not a good enough actor to change my micro expressions, I don't even know if I know how to alter that in theory, because it is such a subconscious thing...

Because like, also, in order to switch (if I'm not really high), I usually have to like, "get into" their mental state. If Florian wants to front we usually spend a little bit of time cofronting/blended while I'm "putting on" Florian enough for him to be in the driver's seat. (Sometimes there are just out of nowhere shifts where suddenly, like, Adam is fronting or Florian is fronting. The last couple weekends we've had Laci out a lot)

So it feels like.... I'm play-acting, because I have to like, pretend to be/take on the mannerisms of the alters in order to allow them to shift into front except on a rare occasion.

Anyway though, yeah -- talking with my partner online (and we've had this convo in person too) and talking with my housemates... Hearing that no, there are very obvious tells, very obvious ways of existing and being that make the others Not Roz.

The things I feel when Adam is fronting, the things I remember the body doing (the posture shift, the change in body language, dropping our pitch), they're all things others see clearly... Things I don't know how I would even start figuring out how to change (the micro-expressions, the different ways of gesturing)...

I wonder if our body "passes" better when like, Adam or Louis are fronting. I know we probably pass way less if like, Laci or Morgan are fronting because y'know, they're both very much girls. Just hm.

[fairy-court]

feeling really happy and content today, having a good day for the first time in a long while. the other day we finally turned in the keys to the old apartment with all the old trauma we finally escaped from, and that has been a huge relief. we'll never have to walk into that door again, and i feel like i can finally breathe. slept in my partner system's bed while they played games, woke up to one of their littles infodumping about elden ring which was rly cute. got to cuddle them a bit before they passed out. then it was just us drinking tea and unpacking things and talking to one of my new roommates in the morning. now its raining, and i can stand out on our balcony (we've never had a balcony before!!) and watch the rain hitting the leaves of the trees and the water of the pool. it's all very relaxing and new and good. i'm hoping for a lot more good days like this in the new place.

[one-last-culpeo]

hey I'm just wondering, do DID people view their DID as, like, a mental illness to be cured or a positive thing about themselves? I know someone with DID and I'm trying to understand how they feel about it but a lot of this is confusing. some perspective on it would greatly help :]

hi there! thanks for the ask. personally, i think it’s somewhere in between -- of course it’s a mental illness that comes with a shit ton of problems, but the alters themselves aren’t always the problem. the thing that sucks about DID the most is the trauma that causes it -- that’s what has to be dealt with and healed, and that’s the hardest thing. also, the hardest part of the actual disorder (not the cause of it) is probably the dissociation/memory loss and not the alters.

even if you’re full blackout with pretty much no internal communication, like my system was, you can cope by having a sysjournal. having memory discontinuity is very shitty sometimes, random dissociation is shitty. having alters themselves? not particularly shitty.

on the other hand, if you focus on being an alter rather than having other alters to share a body with, i think the worst part about that is not feeling completely whole or wishing you didn’t have to share fronting time with others so you could have a more complete and fulfilling life. also alter-body dysphoria for alters who look different than the body (different gender, different form, nonhuman, etc.) dysphoria is one of the unpleasant things about being an alter for me, considering my status as an animal.

so, in my opinion: yes it’s a mental illness, but it doesn’t have to be cured. it has to be worked with, and every system should try to heal. but there’s functional multiplicity, which is even a better end goal than final fusion for some systems, and there’s some things to think positively about too. <3

[ojirocardigansniper]

thinking about this a bunch lately so i HAVE to post it as a way to like. put it into the worl dont fucking forget to actually write down a proper post. but theres thoughts in brain about plurality and adolescence and recovery and developing stable self-image and a natural kind of integration/fusion that feels good and not unilaterally shitty, because its kind of just where we're at these days. but also what a merged state really means or feels like as opposed to "reverting to singlethood" which i think a lot of plurals have an unconscious idea about, but its like, not? its not the same as pre-syscovery and it's not the same as times when someone has been alone at front and cant contact anyone. its better than that it feels good rn. anyway something also about the difference between "one" (only) and "one" (together, unified). and something about disliking "final fusion" as a term because as the philosophers say, "show me a permanent state of being, bitch" and the eternal possibility of becoming more separate people again. I HAVE TO WRITE A SHORT ESSAY FOR REAL. yeah

[ojirocardigansniper]

Spontaneously started doing a micro-journaling in our system server yesterday thats more like the "how to identify people when you're not Extremely Different" post advice which lit our brain up💡. And the part that really feels unique deeptrue exciting is the word association "moment-name" at the beginning of each. In our brain words are sound-weighted rhythmic connotative objects with semi-conscious meaning, and stimming out Sounds that are also words we know is something that leaves better re-accessible record of subjective experience than trying to describe things explaining-ways. The "things that happened" memory doesn't reliably connect to "the way it felt" and "sensory associations" memories in our brain, so we incorporate all three into one entry for later recall. Plus also there are only so many words for, say, "hyperactive and transcendant and strange" but a thousand thousand different ways of experiencing something you could call that. Hence blur slipshod cairn tanager (yesterday afternoon) is different from blue cassock chiasmus (written at the top of our to-do list paper today). Emojis can also be incorporated but those are harder to use as they're more-concrete visual objects (also which change depending on operating system) rather than semantic metanexii with fleeting sensory qualities like words. Hold on saying that now it sounds a little synesthetic. Thats so funny

[ojirocardigansniper]

gnawing on drywall. plurality that barely exists until you look at it on purposed. is so. many real reasons this state can occur and even last for years. but of course. the big one which brain leaps for at the drop of a hat. 'What if you're faking or overexaggerating to yourself. If nothing happens except when you poke it then how can it be organically real 🤔' which like. [KERMIT.JPG] ITS NOT FUCKING FAKING YOU PIECE OF SHIT DEBUNKER

[ojirocardigansniper]

need go sleep but. small little time and. sad of not get stay out and be self little time. sad also of unmask little time only be alone but even alone little time better of no little out time at all. but not good time for be out because late and need be up tomorrow early not usual. sad sad. want little be safe and okay allowed. sad

[ojirocardigansniper]

making a post! making a post! making a post! hi friends it's me poppy! 🌷 i'm strangely stimmy! repeating words repeating words repeating words. usually i am very high verbal and do not do this much, but it is happening and it is surely me, and very fun! not really an intro post, we do not plan on doing this, just that i feel like making a post! nice to see you all, the dashboard is a very nice place :) we keep it that way, but that means you all are chosen parts of that! so feel the appreciation 💖

-- poppy 🌷 she/her

[ojirocardigansniper]

mini thought ramble inspired by stuff we've been percolating lately about ourselves n our plurality

we've never been term coiner type of people in our lives and really getting into the weeds of microlabels is usually more overwhelming for our brain than helpful (but not always)

HOWEVER having interesting thoughts lately about maybe a unique kind of plural experience somewhere around median/midcontinuum, or at least an experience we haven't really heard anyone else discuss before? something about "narrative plurality" or "metaphorical plurality". it does overlap a lot with other experiences, eg many plurals having notably metaphorical experiences inside & between people.

so like. at least lately (& we're not *worried* about this being permanent, like we used to- could be just how things are lately) we've been feeling far fewer "active" "present" phenomena among people, less conscious conversation, less strong identity switching. however we *are* having a load of interesting experiences / thoughts in parallel with contemplating fictional plurality. we love to read sf/f with fictional stuff that you can absolutely read as plural, as well as apply a plural lens to characters we recognize ourselves in, and in our original fiction we have a number of characters who represent aspects of us.

basically, we do a lot of exploring our plurality through fiction. (that "interpretation is generative" comic we reblogged earlier feels very ! to that.) and doing it to the extent that lately we've been doing it *more* than having "plural experiences". we're just comfortably "being a plural" & thinking as such, even without headmate chatter or switching or whatever. and that's... nice! feels nice. maybe this is also a post about self-acceptance lmao. anyway wandering ramble over, it visited several neat places :)

[ojirocardigansniper]

i love sysmates who picked an outside person as THEIR person who they would defend to the death (in a healthy friendship way. its ok) like the platonic version of if you dont clap and cheer for my lame ass boyfriend i will blow this fucking building up . One of our meandykes hasnt been seen in absolutely months bc we're getting good at enforcing boundaries on ourselves which was his specialty but when one of our longtime friends needed help with that he was like SO HERE SO FAST . bc he's been cussing out this friend's bullshit life circumstances validationally for absolutely years now and when the batsignal goes up he's THERE no matter how little he's been tuned into front lately. its just very sweet we love him for that

[ojirocardigansniper]

thinking abt making a webbed site again. good to put writing on, good to put blogposts on. Thinking about making a system area too...... yesterday we spent time with besties and talked about whatever all evening including pluralisms and we told stories about our early syscovery stuff 2015-2016 bc neither of them were there for that, and like... man. we really do have perspective on that scary first year now. first few years. things are stable now. we lived through a lot of internal stuff that was so scary bc we didn't have anyone who could reassure us and explain things. and we could share those now if we wanted... the memories don't hurt anymore and they could help some new system who's hurting now. access to lived experience is so important especially lived experience with *hindsight perspective*. being in community only with people who are just as deep in the shit is still valuable but there's going to be a lot of fear and uncertainty that none of you can alleviate much for each other. we had no community knowledge when we needed it most. that's changing. that's beautiful

[ojirocardigansniper]

tha t fucking post about how to alters when no one is easily differentiated. Changed The Game. rotating the fuck out of it. have thought for several years now that seasonalbrains (LITERALLY an eladrin. funniest shit on earth) are honestly different states of consciousness and yeah. they literally are. not as far separated as "they would completely cede ownership of each other's actions" but the conscious experience of being each one is notably different in qualitative ways we deeply struggle to describe. this situation and our seasonal affective disorder are bigtime chicken and egg circle. "the psychiatric mood disorder lens diagnoses SAD where various dissociative phenomena/conscious-states arise seasonally" and "neurochemistry changes associated with clinically studied SAD may have caused/further exacerbated the dissociative season cycle in us" equally. anyway all this getting said because we've had a funny little switchy evening not in the previously-watched-for ways of identity marker dysphorias or intense emotional disavowals But just in wants and dissatisfactions with options provided. "Actually no i dont want to do the stupid stuff you were vaguely thinking about doing i want to figure out what i actually want to do". and then we've just carouseled around a bit on different focus topics. plurality and reading fanfic and browsing tumblr and whatnot. amusing

[ojirocardigansniper]

post below

nahnah. dissociating. or fogged. this is usual. am doing a picrew. i think i absorbed some selfbits from a bsd character. i keep thinking about her unexpectedly when looking at this image i'm putting together. i don't look like her really. so maybe.

i could try talking to her at the summoning circle. we used that once. it felt like it worked that time. untangled a connection or missing for people who aren't in the system but very prominent in our brain as, characters or concepts. i don't know. it's hard to, focus, or, convince brain to slow down enough to do inner world work. always has been. that's always been frustrating. especially in times when communication is really poor at front. i don't think nasper has realized that people being able to switch does not mean communication is good. we don't have memory blocks so we can access memory facts communally (not emotions though). but knowing what someone is doing, or watching them without speaking, is not communicating. we maybe have failed to realize how important the communication skills are for just connecting us, since we don't need them for, sharing life information across switches. sigh. sigh. it's hard to. exist. as a person who isn't, host. they forgot this, with how little they are talking to, people who can't host-blend easily. i should exist more.

[ojirocardigansniper]

wwuasiegehehahdhsjfkskc thought too hard about stormbringer haunting and possessed bones AFTER like an hour of llem doing picrews and itmade nahnah wake up . prime front for the freakshow (affectionate) and then think about ghostposting corpseposting ? well here comes the witchthing to think about rotting and phasing through walls!!! and i love that for nem

[ojirocardigansniper]

found out one of our favorite picrew artists made some new ones we hadnt done yet.... we always make poppy in all of their picrews cus her first really good self image was from the pink princess one so we really like making her in their style... also dressup doll kind of stuff is all happy little activity for us.... reminds us of good kid memories... here's the new ones... we love you poppy!!