#takeyourcyanide’s ramblings

[takeyourcyanide]

Going through the soul eater tag is like stepping through a field of land mines because one minute it’s just filled with primarily soul eater and the next minute you’re getting jumpscared by pornographic photos you never wanted to see

[takeyourcyanide]

*This post is inspired by the fact that I saw someone mention how ‘weird’ the sex scenes in Hannibal were.*

I personally liked how Hannibal (NBC) depicted sexual acts, as it was symbolic and artistic and felt meaningful. I didn’t feel like I was just having porn shoved in my face, it felt like there was an actual purpose behind each scene. The sex in Hannibal was secondary in a sense, more of a device being utilized to depict the character’s psyches, possible motives, and views of one another. The symbolic threesome image, the symbolic image of the elk man (or truly, Hannibal himself), etc., it was all there for a reason. It was artistic and unique. Hannibal depicted sex between characters in a way I’ve personally never seen so far, in a way that was actually helping to further the story in a simultaneously subtle and obvious way. It wasn’t just “they fuck, they like each other, brewing romance,” it was “Will is losing himself in the image of the elk,” “Alana is fooled by Hannibal’s charismatic demeanor,” “Will and Hannibal are becoming closer, and becoming one.” At least that’s how I interpreted it. That stag (or whatever he called it) always followed Will around as though it were always present within him, though it was a symbol of Hannibal and of the darkness which trailed behind him. Hannibal pulled that aspect of himself out and brought it to the surface. And sexual and romantic innuendos between Will and Hannibal were never anything new, even in the shows end. They were just subtle and uniquely executed. Because their relationships transcends your usual “platonic, romantic, and sexual” labels. A little queerplatonic, if you will. The threesome image I mentioned to is so fascinating to dissect. Alana is somewhat mesmerized by both Will and Hannibal, but views Will as being too unstable to enter a relationship with. She ends up in a sexual relationship with Hannibal, of whom she has no clue is unstable himself in a sense. And the fact that Will and he are often seen becoming one, I think that adds something to it. Will lying next to her, Hannibal lying next to her, encasing her in the middle. Another instance of their similarities being that they hold a sort of fondness towards Alana. They both consistently manipulate her when they deem it necessary. They might as well all be a throuple in some ways, all interested in each other in their own ways, all pursuing one another in their own ways. There’s more to it all than that, but I’ll stop for now.

[takeyourcyanide]

Stein is genuinely good representation for comorbid psychopathy and schizophrenia, and that is insane for a 2000s anime/manga series written by a man who clearly loved to project his sexual fantasies onto everything and avoid proper world-building at times.

[takeyourcyanide]

It needs to become more socially acceptable to randomly incorporate foreign languages into one’s speech (I do it anyway)

[takeyourcyanide]

I’m going to legally change my name to cyanide and see what comes of it

[takeyourcyanide]

I’ve managed over 7.5k words on that Spirit fic so far W in the chat boys (never said that before in my life)

I think on ao3 I might, as opposed to just dividing it into sections, put it in a chapter format, though on here it’ll just be divided sections per the usual. I’m not done yet though. Still got more scenes to go. Woo

[takeyourcyanide]

This is a genuine question: in my fics, do I have the tendency to run in circles or be tangential in any way? I’ve been told that in my essays I am, and can also struggle to get to the point and be concise about things and the likes. Essentially, my speech and thoughts are reflected in my writing. I’d like to know if it’s the same with my fics; data collection.

[takeyourcyanide]

Spirit and Kami’s Dynamic: Maka’s Birth & unprecedented, forced maturing; woeful unpreparedness

This is a bit all over the place. I hope it makes sense. Analytic rambling is good for the soul.

🎩 🎩

🍭<(^-^)>🦖

I think that Atsushi Ōkubo simultaneously nailed emotionally immature parents and could have done much more with them. I think he showcased the consequences of getting pregnant and married too young when one is not yet ready, too inexperienced, and when one’s life has barely even begun. This is something I would like to discuss, as it is a topic I find fascinating both in fiction and in real life, which means that I must dissect it.

Section #1: Highschool Sweethearts

We are not given much information pertaining to their relationship whilst still children enrolled in the academy, so much is left up for speculation and interpretation. Whether or not they were actually dating is sort of up in the air, though it is implied, as we are really only told a little about their failure of a marriage. It is possible Spirit and Kami felt forced into marriage due to the pregnancy whether he was dating her or not, but to me, it would make more sense if they had already been in a relationship prior to the pregnancy, and therefore felt more inclined towards marriage.

All of that aside, when it comes to high school relationships, they’re typically known for not lasting and not being “real love,” despite the teenagers involved in the romantic relationship often believing it is. They think they are experiencing a genuine love, because they are not yet experienced enough to precisely know and get a handle on such complicated feelings (which is why experimenting with relationships can certainly be helpful). They’re still learning and maturing. Needless to say, I think the both of them were like this. I think that’s also why they jumped into marriage so young. It’s also possible, with all of the religious (particularly Christian) symbolism, that they felt forced to by their community, because often in such traditionalist, fundamentalist religious communities, it is frowned upon to be unwedded and pregnant, and even to experiment with sexual relations and such before marriage. The consequences of this can be immeasurable, however, because not only can one not genuinely be sexually compatible with the other (clearly not their problem), but when so young (getting married young is something I’ve seen encouraged by my own religious area, particularly towards women, of course), you may not actually love each other, and even if you do, that doesn’t make you the right match. Also, there are higher rates of teen pregnancy within these religious communities because experimentation is not only shamed, but also because sexual education is shamed, and therefore the children are left to learn completely by themselves. It is also an act of rebellion against the dogma, and against the boredom and scars created. But this is neither the time nor the place for that conversation.

This is what I think Spirit and Kami’s problem was, largely. They were young and dumb, and woefully unprepared for what they’d gotten themselves into. They may have thought they loved each other, or thought they had to, and felt forced to stay within that relationship despite not being the “right match,” so to speak. This lead to a slowly growing resentment between the two, likely unspoken words speaking volumes. They were still just barely adults themselves, so truly children, when their daughter was not only conceived, but born.

Their relationship began when they were both teenagers. Hormonal teenagers who couldn’t keep it in their pants to save their lives (clearly). It wasn’t the “true love” they thought it was, but by the time both of them realized it, they already had a daughter. They were forced to mature very rapidly, thrusted out of the prime of their lives, in which they likely had plenty of plans (this is why I think Kami decided to travel the world after the divorce and abandon her daughter), and thrown into the raising of another human being.

Section #2: Tragedy of a Marriage

I’ve already mentioned the already growing resentment due to possibly feeling forced to marry one another and stay together as a couple, but how about their own immaturity?

They were children immediately forced into an adult world, and acted as such. Though, it did seem that Spirit paid a lot more attention his daughter and spent much more time trying to properly raise her despite his problems than Kami ever even thought about.

Anyway, Spirit’s heavily implied infidelity and alcoholism was likely, in my opinion, not necessarily him just being a crude womanizer. I think it was his way of trying to maintain not only the youth which he was, at that time, grieving the loss of much too early on, but also his way of maintaining his control on his freedom. They both likely felt trapped and expressed it in their own ways. Kami neglected (implied) her child and was quick to go off and do whatever she wished, both during the marriage and after, and Spirit indulged in his (implied) alcoholism and tendency towards flirtatiousness and sexuality. He felt tied down too early, and so did she. They both realized they weren’t the one for each other, but had a child together, and probably felt it hurt to accept such a notion, given that they’d been with one another and known one another since their teenage years. And in their own unhealthy ways, they expressed this.

However, despite Spirit trying his hardest to raise his daughter, both of their lack of maturity heavily impacted Maka. Their daughter copes by hating her father, and pretending as though her mother is a perfect god, effectively kissing the ground she walks on, despite Maka herself implying she was quick to anger (comparing her to a bear), and possibly not around very often.

This hotheadedness could’ve been a result of the festering resentment she felt she could not express, not only towards Spirit, but also her daughter (which could be why Maka convinces herself that she likes that about her, because she may have recognized her own mother’s resentment towards her, and had to find a way to cope with that). She most likely felt that Maka took whatever fun life she could’ve had away, and after the divorce, ran off to travel the world and likely regain her twenties back. I think, as I previously and briefly mentioned, this was likely something she’d wanted to do, either with Spirit or without, once she gained the independence to do as she pleased as a young adult. Giving birth and having to raise a daughter curbed those dreams. That’s why she was also so quick to abandon and neglect her. She was immature and not prepared for a child.

Spirit, however, acts with not resentment. He was clearly immature, as well, and seemingly has to convince himself of his love for his ex-wife, but he never once questioned his love for his daughter. He’s whiny, and sort of guilt-trippy, but he still tries. He harbors no ill-feelings towards his daughter, for he’s at least mature enough to recognize that it wasn’t Maka’s choice to even be conceived in the first place. And Kami could’ve had some back alley abortion if she really didn’t want her, and if it was illegal in Death City LMAO.

He likely recognizes that they were both stupid teenagers, and that it is not his daughter’s fault that they were.

We aren’t told whether or not Maka was an accident, but it certainly appears as such given their behavior. Though it’s also possible that a child was something they thought they wanted, but ended up realizing they were not ready for much too late.

Anyway, due to their emotional immaturity and unpreparedness not only for a child, but also for something such as a marriage and a real relationship, they probably failed to really communicate their feelings to one another, lashed out at one another in their own special ways (infidelity, emotional neglect, which could also be why Spirit supposedly cheated - he desired some form of affection and the easiest way to get that for him was sex), and could not learn how to properly cope. They were like children wearing their parents’ shoes, or perhaps small children playing house and assuming the role of a parent based on what they had seen. And they behaved as such.

Maka likely felt she was a burden due to her mother seemingly treating her as such, thus desiring to gain her mom’s approval, leading to her siding with her as opposed to her father, of whom despite his faults did try.

She never had to gain Spirit’s approval, which is why she feels free to demean and reject him. She’d already had Spirit’s approval from the moment he found out she even existed at all; a developing fetus.

Which, in a way, could be interpreted as rather sweet. She feels free to criticize him. She evidently does not when it comes to her mother, though she’s convinced herself that her mother is too perfect to be subjected to any criticism whatsoever, which is deeply unhealthy, I’d say. Even the best parents have made some sort of mistake. And clearly, her mother has made a lot of mistakes, logically speaking, which she has yet to try to mend. Spirit was also never once described as being quick to anger, or scary when angry, despite being a rather emotional man. He’s more prone to tears than anything.

Needless to say, their immaturity has affected not only their pitiful excuse for a marriage, but also their daughter. Which is relatively obvious, but it’s fun to me to really analyze.

There is more that could be said on this topic, and this likely could’ve been worded and generally much better, but knowing me, I’ll end up repeating myself and running in circles more than I already have. It might end up more of a tangential ramble, as opposed to an analytic one. Perhaps it’d be a mixture of both. My heads too whimsical to be able to put all of my thoughts into the English language. They aren’t in any language. Somewhere, drifting…

But that’s another story for an entirely different post!

[takeyourcyanide]

I just saw someone advocating for dissection to be taken out of the classroom. I think anyone who advocates for that nonsense (I’m partly biased) needs to be on a dissection table. Speaking of which, why do dissection tables have to be so damn expensive? I’m poor as dirt, make the prices more inclusive, because I need one more than I need oxygen. I just looked at some and I have never felt the need to stim more. I’m about to go beg some rich person for $13,433.79. I’ll need more, though, given taxes… Make that $14,000.

[takeyourcyanide]

Can I just be and do everything related to science and cutting especially people and everything open? I don’t want to choose between career paths ;-; I just want to do it all. Biomedical engineering? Yeah! Neurosurgery? Yeah! Bioanthropology? Yeah! Quantum physics? Yeah! Embalming? Yeah! Biochemistry? Yeah! Medical examining? Yeah! Forensic science? Yeah! Neuroscience? Yeah! Evolutionary biology? Yeah! Any and all surgery? Yeah! Dissecting cadavers in a lab? Yeah! Toxicology? Yeah! Astrophysics? Yeah! Microbiology? Yeah! Medicine and all that it encompasses? Yeah! Anatomy and physiology? Yeah! Zoology? Yeah! Chemistry? Yeah! Science? YES! Dissection? YES!

Can I please just do all of it? This is what happens when dissection and science as a whole happen to be your primary special interests and the only things you have any passion for. And dissection is science so might as well put those two together.

[takeyourcyanide]

Do you know how schizophrenics are described as going from “child-like/childishly silly to severely agitated” fairly quickly and often? And do you also know how age regression (involuntary) is a common experience among schizophrenics? Are we sure that the childlike behavior to agitated pipeline isn’t just an age regressed schizophrenic who may be regressed due to the static (or what have you), going from that to agitated due to a hallucination, or remembrance of paranoia does anything im saying make sense??? Or is even both regressed and agitated and especially agitated due to being regressed and having to experience the static whilst in the mindset of someone much younger - which is already hard enough as it is but being little whilst it help I can’t speak

Anyway this has just been something I’m considering. I think that childlike silliness is very likely regression presenting, and then ofc agitation is obvious I mean come on

[takeyourcyanide]

The more research I do into the likes of thought disorder, the more I realize this is something I’ve been dealing with my entire life and I had no idea. There are many other aspects of it that affect me deeply, but I’d like to briefly discuss stilted speech. I’ve often been told that I speak with an excess of formality, or use “big” and “old” words to the point some can’t understand what I’m saying. Sometimes when this formal speech mixes with scrambled speech, and difficulty elucidating and conveying my point, it leads to complete misunderstanding from the other party. Then again, some of the people I’ve spoken to hadn’t even known what “subjective” meant, but I’ve been told this by everyone I’ve ever spoken with. I don’t always speak so formally, but that’s usually because I’m experimenting with a less formal way of speaking, particularly so I’ll be understood and properly masquerade. And the way in which I tend to speak is found even more strange given how young I am. People expect me to speak differently than how I do. I didn’t even know that I spoke using “outdated” or “overly formal” words, or spoke using outdated ways of speech in general until I was repeatedly told. It was the exact same with how “inexpressive” and “monotone” I am and speak. I had no clue.

I’ll make other posts later regarding my personal experience with thought disorder, but for now have this. It’s a less obvious and more unknown symptom. People just assume that I’m intelligent, even though intellect has nothing to do with how one speaks. And stilted speech is often dismissed as such. Though I’d like to add that simply speaking formally doesn’t necessarily entail struggling with thought disorder. If it doesn’t create problems in your life, and you don’t experiences any other symptoms, chances are you don’t suffer with thought disorder; just for the sake of clarification.

[takeyourcyanide]

I want to write but I do not like my writing very much. I think I’ll experiment more like I did with Woeful. And my brain is somewhere else entirely.

[takeyourcyanide]

Paintings from a while back for a project

I want to paint again now

[takeyourcyanide]

This is going to be difficult for me to coherently put, but I’ll try.

The Mind Electric (Miracle Musical) means a lot to me - which is really saying something. I’ve been religiously listening to it for years now, and I only wish I could’ve discovered it sooner, as little me would’ve been astounded at just how relatable it was. It would’ve been a sort of comfort, just as it is now.

I don’t know if this was what they were going for when writing the song, but it is possibly the most accurate and respectful depiction of schizophrenia I have ever seen within any form of media. And it’s only more impressive if none of the members of the band happen to be on the schizophrenic spectrum themselves.

(A lot of rambling about the lyrics and shit and the song below the cut)

I don’t even know where to begin with the song itself. It is the most profound and excellent piece of art I have ever had the pleasure of listening to. It expertly tells its story through not only what are some of the best lyrics I have ever heard, as someone who listens to everything under the sun, but also through all of the background noises and conversations that even play during the singing itself. The distortions are representative of not only fading, incoherent, burning (caretaker reference), and non-chronological memories, but also the desire to possibly not think of oneself in a certain way or simply not seeing oneself in a particular light (the referring to himself as insane) but being forced to, or struggling to recall one’s memories. The way in which the song builds up, only to hit at the end is masterful. The way in which he begs, he pleads for just a semblance of sympathy and understanding - for the help he has become so utterly desperate for… There are no words that can convey what I’d like to express. The background noises can also be representative of not only the electric chair (various zaps and such), but also hearing whispers and indiscernible sounds at random times (schizophrenia). I love how they depict just how the judgmental, pompous, and stigmatizing nuns, judges, and doctors can ultimately be, especially towards those with a mental illness - like in the lyric “here in my kingdom I am your lord I order you to cower and pray.” In the lyric video, pray flashes between pray and prey, which can be interpreted as both these mental health professionals preying on their patients, especially at the time the electric chair was thought to be a good form of treatment, but can also be interpreted as your own brain preying upon you, you being the prey in its kingdom. Oh and this also goes along with the line “condemn him to the infirmary.” It is detailing how patients are treated in psychiatric wards and hospitals and such, of course. Perhaps it’s a bit of both. They wonderfully depict how cognitive decline feels - how it feels to observe as you agonizingly deteriorate before your own two eyes, and how no one seems to understand what is ultimately happening, simply settling on essentially torturing you (electric chair), not taking you seriously or listening to you because you’re below them and “insane.” I love how, at the end, he says “Doctor, I can’t tell if I’m not me.” A constant in and out, losing yourself and gaining yourself back momentarily, only to feel yourself being taken away by the static once more. You’re too distracted by the incessant noise, by how difficult it is to simply live to even bother with whatever you used to, only making it more difficult to live - a constant cycle, a constant battle. By the end, there will only be a shell of what was once you. You can either accept their “miracle cures” or die. You can tiene accept their scrutiny or face the most horrifying death imaginable. Because you have to live and watch as you still have your body, but not longer yourself. I love the line “see how your brain plays around and you fall inside a hole you couldn’t see.” Precisely. You don’t even realize when you fall into the hole. Things are just exponentially worse, but it’s as though it’s always been that way, and you know no else. “Please help me understand what’s going on inside my mind.” At this point, you’re willing to accept their medication, their torture, because you can’t fucking take it anymore. It’s a desperate plea. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so different? Why I am struggling so much? You cry out for help only to be either turned away or judged throughout treatment, treated like a dog needed to be whipped into submission.

And GOD do I love “see how the serfs work the ground and they give it all they’ve got and they give it all they’ve got and you give it all you’ve got til you’re down.” BECAUSE YES. Absolutely. You give it everything, but you’re essentially fighting a losing battle. You walked into a war you knew you were going to lose and fought like hell anyway, only to end up institutionalized, or unable to simply exist anymore.

Just every single lyric. Every single fucking lyric. I could go on about this forever with anyone who would be willing to listen. I have more to say.

Not to mention nuns being involved, as religion was often viewed as its own cure if I’m not mistaken, like schizophrenics used to be thought of as demon possessed. It’s clear this is set somewhere in most likely the nineteenth century, as many source say electric chairs/electroconvulsive therapy were in use primarily from the 30s to the 70s. They declined in the 60s and 70s, but apparently saw a resurgence in the 80s. Anyway. The way it begins with the whole song in reverse? Anyway, I am done for now.

[takeyourcyanide]

Sometimes I’ll see people post about their lives and think “cool I want to do that too” until I remember that I have no life