#technically the raven lmfao

[x-mensirens]

[shiny-jr]

Oh shiny dear! I came back from the war! and here are the songs I think suit the damnations fic:

the king of heart: me and my husband (mitski)

the hyena chieftain: PRIDE. (kendrick lamar)

the diviner: I love you so (the walters)

the vizier's vassal: new magic wand (tyler the creator)

the raven retainer: l'amour est un oiseau rebel (the Opera Carmen)

ignihyde&diasomnia: into the unknown (michael mouse lmfao)

and i'll be glad to tell you why I choose them if you want 👉👈🥺

-🪀

Oh, okay, okay, this is a solid list. I like it. I'd like to hear your explanation, but here's my thoughts on each one.

First song I knew even without listening to it. It makes sense, because if you think about it, Riddle is technically the only one that marries/is married to their story's mc, King!MC.

Second song I hadn't listened to before, so I looked it up and listened to the lyrics and it does surprisingly seem to fit. Especially considering Chief!MC's personality and behaviors.

Third song I had to actually listen to, then I recognized it. Simple, make sense. Does well.

Fourth song I listened to before, but had to listen to it again just to remember it. Again, makes sense, does well.

Fifth song surprised me the most, because I was not expecting that. I had to do a little extra digging for the translated lyrics and it makes sense? Especially the bird part. Was not expecting for this one to fit as well as it did, but it did.

Sixth song, I'm assuming you meant the song from the second Frozen movie? Hah, I see what you did there. Into the Unknown, because none of y'all knows what comes next in these results.

[taeiris]

babe wake up taeiris took her ocs out of the dusty chest

here’s iris and ezra… yes iris is part of my username and yes ezra resembles raven from the teen titans just a bit, cause he was inspired by her and technically related to her according to canon events of my shitty comics i used to make when i was in middle school LMFAO

also here’s two of their most recent appearances in my sketchbooks (2020-21) yea they’ve BEEN in the chest

and their last appearance in my comics🔥

maybe if i get some balls i’ll actually figure out a cohesive story for them (i was like 14 during my last comic okay)

but thats all for now! more lil facts of your liking maybe? they’re both bisexual AND they’re dating, ezra named his crow chicken for no reason, it used to only have one head but i added another one for the funsies in the new drawing so no it doesn’t have any deep meaning (i think), and finally they both have powers YEAH cause my comics were basically my ocs and friends and my fav characters all in a superhero team, ezra has telekinesis and manipulates shadows, iris manipulates electricity and has healing powers🔥

[mostlymaudlin]

An Attempted Explanation of Andrew’s “Manic Pills”

One of the things that bothers me about AFTG is Andrew’s medicine. The way most of the characters talk about court-mandated psychiatry and sobriety and mania is a questionable and often harmful representation of what it’s like to experience mania/hypomania — which like, it’s fiction, that’s fine, but it’s also something that I take a lil personally. So I’ve decided to try to legitimize the whole thing for myself, just because I can!

Necessary to note: I’m not a medical professional, a lawyer, etc. I’m usually a pretty good fact-checker, but I could definitely be wrong abt stuff, and I’d love for you to tell me if I am. I ran a lot of this by the lovely @the-greater-grief, who does have a medical background and also inspired me with this analysis they did on Andrew’s mental health. They were really helpful in explaining a lot of the more technical drug information, so they’re largely responsible for most of the theory that makes sense lol. But, they are also not responsible for me saying things that are wrong, lol! Alsooooo, I’ve been in the fandom for less than a year so it’s possible I’m saying stuff people have said before. Idc. I’m having fun reinventing the wheel lmfao. Okay, onwards!

The post has two parts: 

Lovingly dismantling a lot of the bullshit Neil tells us in the books

Setting up a more realistic version of Andrew’s mental health situation

Apologies in advance, this got long-winded. Let’s do this! 

Dismissing Neil’s framing

AFTG is told from Neil’s perspective, so we as readers are limited to the things he knows and understands. We know that Neil is often unreliable, and as perceptive as he can be, he makes a lot of questionable assumptions that he internalizes as fact. 

This is what he tells us, rather crudely: 

Andrew tried to kill some guys, because he might be a psychopath/sociopath.

Rather than being sent to prison, he was court-mandated to take drugs that make him “manic”/less likely to kill other people. 

The manic pills make him crazy and also make him sick, to the point where the characters refer to him as “sober” when he is unmedicated.

The withdrawal is severe enough that his psych wants him to be hospitalized to come off them. 

We learn all this about Andrew’s treatment from three sources: Information Neil read before he even joined the Foxes, Nicky’s exposition dumps, and Andrew’s actual behavior. The bullshit mostly comes from the first two items on this list, because Andrew never cares to explain much of his situation to Neil. And we can actually brush all of it off pretty easily. 

Neil builds most of his perception of Andrew’s treatment on top of information from articles he read about Kevin’s transfer to Palmetto State. These articles were unkind — the Exy world was upset that Kevin was leaving the Ravens, and Andrew was painted in a cruel and probably inaccurate way. Neil mentions an article headlined “The Prince & the Pauper”... I personally would not take anything from that article seriously.

Some of this bullshit is corroborated by Nicky, a 20-something year old jock majoring in marketing. When Andrew was sentenced, we can guess that Nicky (still basically a teenager himself) was very scared that his cousin, who he is responsible for, was going to get sent to prison. Based on the way he talks about mental health in general, I wouldn’t consider him to be an expert on the nitty-gritty of psychiatry. He just saw the outcome of the trial, which was not prison, yay! and instead involved some kind of pills that made Andrew way more social. Also, as much as I think Nicky tries, he doesn’t really get Andrew — he thought Andrew was straight, and then he thought he was hate-fucking Neil. He’s not a reliable source when it comes to judging how Andrew’s brain works/how he is affected by his treatment. 

This leaves Andrew’s behavior, because he never talks about his mental health except to say that he’s “crazy” and that he is not a sociopath. When he’s on the medicine, his behavior includes an elevated mood, a short attention span, and trouble curbing his impulses. When he doesn’t take his medicine on time, he experiences withdrawal (nausea, fatigue, etc), and feeling ill seems to curb some of his mood elevation enough to let him think with more clarity. When he’s off it, he is able to shut down his emotional reactions to things, though he still exhibits flashes of the rage, depression, and zingy one-liners from his behavior in the first two books.

Also, the only people who actually seem to understand Andrew’s mental health treatment are Andrew himself, Bee, and probably Wymack. Aaron might also have a better handle on it all because he’s pre-med, and also he understands Andrew enough to clock that he is gaga for Neil lol. 

Okay. Bullshit? Gone. 

A proposed alternate story

Once upon a time, some homophobes started beating up Andrew’s cousin and the only legal guardian that didn’t treat him like utter shit, so he went feral on them. 

He gets arrested, and somewhere along the line the courts determine that his violence stems from mental illness. Rather than being sentenced to prison, he gets some kind of probation that mandates he engage in mental health treatment. The psychiatrist he sees at the time determines that he has depression — which, like, they’ve definitely seen his self-harm scars, so this is a fair assumption — and he is prescribed an antidepressant. 

Now’s a good time to mention that no one would ever intentionally prescribe something to induce mania in a patient. Mania is a supremely dangerous state. People get hospitalized to get out of a manic episode. Whenever I even inch toward it, my therapist and psych are like, “CALL ME!!!!” It also would do nothing to curb violence — the opposite, actually, if the manic person often has a hard time holding themselves back from hurting themselves and others. If you look at Andrew’s behavior in the first two books, I don’t think it would even qualify as full-blown mania. He sleeps, he fulfills his responsibilities, he doesn’t seem to have any delusions of grandeur. His symptoms align better with hypomania, which is less severe and accounts for the things we noted before (mood elevation, short attention span, irritability, impulsiveness). I also think a lot of the stuff Andrew does that is attributed to his medicine is probably just Andrew being Andrew — because as Aaron once said, “it wasn’t the drugs that made him crazy.” (I wrote more about this once in an Andrew character study I did.)

So, the antidepressants would’ve been prescribed to treat the depression, which hypothetically could’ve made Andrew so hopeless and full of rage that he was constantly on the verge of flipping his shit on people. There are plenty of antidepressants that will make you sick/be less effective if you fuck with your dosing schedule, and all the alcohol he drinks probably doesn’t help either. Still, the medicine would just treat depression. HOWEVER! If Andrew actually has bipolar disorder (:D!!!), then some antidepressants do have a risk of inducing mania/hypomania!  

It should’ve been obvious that Andrew’s antidepressant was not working as intended. But I doubt Nicky, Andrew, and Aaron had great health insurance before they enrolled at Palmetto, so Andrew’s court-mandated mental health provider was probably like, “cool, not trying to kill people anymore, we’re good.” A good provider like Bee would clock that Andrew had been misdiagnosed, and she’d want to adjust his medicine. But this leads to the final part of the theory — actually suggested by the brilliant Grimm — which also could explain how Andrew came to trust Bee.

If Bee diagnosed Andrew with bipolar, she would want to switch him over to lithium, which is the most common bipolar medicine. I’ve never actually been on lithium, and while I’ve heard it can be really effective, it definitely has a bad reputation — some people say it makes them feel like a “zombie.” Fatigue/dizziness/drowsiness are known potential side effects, especially when you’re adjusting to changed doses — and anyone who’s ever been on a psych med knows that it takes a while to get the dose right. I’m guessing (justified) control freak Andrew Minyard would not be down to risk feeling like a zombie.

(Sidenote: people with bipolar II also get put on lamotrigine, which specifically manages low moods, but from what I can tell it wouldn’t have been common in the mid-2000s. it was only approved for bipolar treatment in 2003.)

Maybe Bee made him a deal: He can stay on the antidepressant, which is not working but is also not the most dangerous thing, as long as he fully commits to their talk therapy sessions so that he can learn how to cope with his symptoms. This is similar to the deal Wymack struck with Andrew. He tends to trust the small handful of people who have given him agency. 

Alright, that’s the theory! Andrew has bipolar disorder. He’s not on the right meds. The courts are not doing silly illegal things (well, not in this case anyway), and the jocks of PSU are the real stereotypes here.

Because at the end of the day, this is a tale as old as time: People with mental illness are easily made out to be the villain.

[pixelmain]

I just had a random thought whim I was typing out my last post but do ppl have ever after high ocs? I feel like yeah you could try to make a completely new character, try to make a child of a fairy tale that isn’t used or whatever but technically you can make any character into an oc. Like even the ones used in the show, Apple, Raven, whoever! All you have to do is make them their own generation! Like I want to make my own version of Robin Hood’s next Robin Hood! and honestly???? With so many characters switching their roles, wanting to steal other peoples roles, they could even be a random person, same generation, but they just took the roles from them! Like I could make an oc who’s the evil queen to apples snow hate story! I’m just saying…. I’m sure people have done this before I totally did not search it up first LMFAO

[octazumi]

About

Japanese: 鈴木 和泉 (スズキ・カズミ) (Suzuki Kazumi) English: Kazumi Suzuki (カズミ・スズキ） Nicknames: Harbor porpoise-chan (nezumi-iruka-chan) (Floyd), Monsieur introverti (Rook) (Idk French so I hope the grammar for that is right lmfao)

Date of Birth: September 4 (Virgo) Age: 16 (1st year)

Dorm: Octavinelle Class: Class A (No.9) Club: In the Mountain Lovers Club, but also frequently pops in to the Science Club if they're doing something fun. Best Subject: Biology and Alchemy Worst Subject: Swimming Favorite Subject: Animal Languages

Gender: Male (Trans FtM, technically genderfluid but he rarely has female days anymore) Pronouns: He/him or they/them (prefers he/him though) Orientation: Pansexual

Homeland: Land of Pyroxene Species: Human

Languages: English (fluent), Spanish (learning), Japanese (basically fluent) Height: 165 cm (5'5) Dominant Hand: Right (throws objects with either hand)

Hobbies: Watching anime, singing Pet peeves: People who walk slower than him Favorite Food: Ice cream or Japanese sweets Least Favorite Food: Any type of seafood Talent: Procrastination

Overview:

Kazumi is a quiet individual that is often seen out and about rather than focusing on his studies. People either forget he exists or are friendly with him.

Appearance:

Kazumi is a boy of average height, with short black hair that is in an undercut style. He neatly puts himself together in his dorm uniform, disliking it when others have on their uniforms sloppily. He often is seen fixing others' uniforms and scolding them - after all, they wouldn't want to get yelled at by the tweels, Azul, or Riddle, would they? That would be embarrassing.

Personality:

Kazumi is a very calm person, preferring to stop fights rather than instigate them. However, he shouldn't be trusted to always stop fights as he is amused by chaos and will let things go on as long as they aren't too dangerous.

He is very caring, though, liking to help others and make sure they're okay. Still, he isn't a teacher's pet, and wouldn't report much to the teachers (unless it is actually dangerous).

He dislikes studying, and can be seen wandering in to different clubs due to him trying to procrastinate.

Powers:

He isn't super strong, preferring to be in the background and offer support. His magic is mostly fire magic (which is interesting as he's in Octavinelle). He enjoys fire magic the most so he often neglects the other magic types.

Signature Spell:

He hasn't figured out a signature spell yet.

Physical Power:

He is good at kicking. That's about it. He is pretty weak in all other aspects, and often gets yelled at by Vargas. He can't swim (which is fun again as he is in Octavinelle). He tries to avoid as much water as possible.

Background:

He came from a modest background, and was a gifted student (although he got worse at school as he got older). He's honestly stunned that he was able to get into Night Raven College. Although his grades are pretty good, he often does everything last minute.

Family:

He gets along fairly well with his family, but keeps a certain distance; they didn't accept him when he came out as genderfluid or trans (or pansexual, for that matter) so he isn't super happy to get in contact with them. However, he adores his dog, and would talk for hours about him if he could.

Likes:

Sweets, animals, manga/anime, learning new languages, being online, Azul Ashengrotto.

Dislikes:

Spiders, swimming, being forced to do work, not having electronics/Wi-Fi.

Extra:

His nickname from Floyd is Harbor porpoise-chan（ネズミイルカちゃん (nezumi-iruka)) because they are shy (similar to Kazumi) and are mostly seen in groups of two or three. Kazumi only has a handful of friends that he is himself with, often putting up a false front in front of others so he doesn't get hurt. In addition, these creatures are known to be highly sensitive to noise; Kazumi is pretty sensitive as well, and he tends to not stay at parties for too long (and if he does, staying as far away as possible from the speakers as he can, especially if he doesn't enjoy the music). He also tends to be wary and doesn't approach new or strange people/things, similar to a harbor porpoise not approaching boats.

He often pops into the Light Music Club's practices to listen (he enjoys music) and tries to give helpful tips.

He also likes to take care of the horses for the horse-riding club (he loves animals) but he rarely has time. When he does take care of them, he is often seen talking or even singing to them.

Sometimes he walks with Malleus for the Gargoyle Research Society when they're walking the same way.

Kazumi sometimes skips around campus. He's gotten yelled at more times than he can count. He finds it fun though so- (he tries to do it in secret).

He can often be seen with earbuds in and listening to songs. He quickly turns the songs off though (and he won't tell you what music he was listening to most of the time).

[cungader0]

following up my post abt the tf2 mercs and what nfl team they’d root for, i present to you: overwatch characters and the nfl team they’d root for

support

ana: for whatever reason, reinhardt is really into football so she watches it with him on occasion and roots for whomever he’s rooting for

bap: i feel like he’d be really into the spirit and the vibe of the kc chiefs? like, they’re loud and they win a lot and he’d be drawn to the comradeship the fanbase has

brig: she’s partial to any team with a cat mascot! if the bengals, panthers, jags, or lions do well, she’s a happy camper :) also watches the thanksgiving lions game every year w torb and rein

illari: ohhhh i feel like she’d enjoy the chargers, especially since they’ve been doing better as of late. she enjoys the stadium and she loves the colors and the motifs and it’s all just very,,, yes.

kiri: she thinks football is stupid probably but if she absolutely had to pick a team i feel like she’d like the eagles bc boy do they know how to go fuckin apeshit

lucio: he is SOOOOOO a jags fan!!! i think he’d take one look at the chaotic energy of the crowd and the stadium and all its wacky amenities and be like damn!!! looks like a good time!!

mercy: she’s a commanders fan bc that j sounds nice! everyone should just have fun okay <3 lower maintenance fanbase for the win bc it makes her the Least Stressed and she needs a mf break

moira: steelers fan because she’s the worst </3 jkjk i think if she had to pick (and she’d sigh and groan at the question bc it’s stupid does she look like someone who watches espn to you?) she’d pick the ravens

weaver: my man weaver is a fan of a 49ers. i could not tell you why i think this, i just do. it makes sense to me. i feel like their good track record helps this cause lol

zen: oh hes gotta be a bengals fan. friendliest fan base? that’s all u had to say, he’s all in. whodey.

dps

ashe: she’s legally obligated to be a cowboys fan despite her current residence in arizona. she was def born and raised a cowboys fan and runs deep in her psyche to this day

bastion: i’m honestly not even sure he would understand football or the appeal so i’m gonna say he roots for whoever is favored to lose—loves an underdog story!

cassidy: also a cowboys fan! this is purely coincidental though bc apparently the cowboys r just the most popular team in nm so yk. they’re twinning omgg

echo: since echo learned most of her social cues and mannerisms from cole after mina died, echo tends to be partial to whomever cole is partial to

genji: packers, always fights with hanzo over this

hanzo: bears, always fights with genji over this

junk: steelers LMFAO he’d be so into the ratty ass fanbase i can just feel it. he would fit right in

mei: she likes the cardinals because look at the cute little bird! such a lovely mascot, don’t you think?

pharah: JETS BABY ITS ALL ABOUT THE NEW YORK JETS PEW PEW PEW also i just feel like she’d be so at home in new york like no one takes shit from anybody everyone is blunt it’s just perfect for her

reaper: technically he’s a rams fan but you would never know it because he owns no merch but is surprisingly enthusiastic if asked about it (but then again, you’d have to know to ask in the first place)

sojourn: watches the cfl instead, but if forced to pick? maybe the bills? just because of proximity?

soldier: APPARENTLY HES FROM BLOOMINGTON???? which makes him a COLTS FAN????? this is rocking my world oh my god i need to sit down

sombra: i feel like she could be a raiders fan? something something piracy something something hacking something something you get the idea. plus bonus points for being close proximity wise to the southern border

sym: first of all she’d spit on you for even deigning to ask her if she delighted in the rituals of american football, but second of all, she only knows one team and it’s the 49ers just because that’s who weaver would mention offhandedly when they were roommates

torb: he likes the vikings because he thinks they just look really cool and the stadium is neat. he’s a simple guy what can i say.

tracer: okay stick with me here—i think she’d be a dolphins fan. she knows nothing about football but likes the animal mascots and the uniforms and thinks it’s funny to watch the grown men run around in matchy matchy little outfits. doesn’t really care all that much at the end of the day

widow: saints fan because she’s french, but would probably also spit on you if you asked for the same reasons sym would.

tank

dva: she is sooooo a seahawks chick the uniforms are so cute and the team is so cool and it reminds her a lot of the esports teams she’s encountered in her day?? for some reason?? it’s about the vibes tbh

doomfist: he’s a falcons fan i can feel it in my BONES. GOd.

jq: unlike rat she has taste and would never lay eyes on a team like the steelers so she’s a giants fan; would also fit in spectacularly well in new york so there’s bonus points for that :]

orisa: she loves a dedicated fanbase and she thought the mascot was too damn cute and it reminded her of her own dog so she’s a cleveland browns fan. also likes the texans because the mascot looks like her!!!

ram: do i have to say it. do i. (he’s a rams fan).

rein: he is a ride or die man. his team could be absolute dogass for thirty years and he’d still show up to every home game and cheer like no one’s business. he’s gotta be a bengals fan

roadhog: enables rat’s steelers fandom

sigma: he’s a broncos fan because i feel like he’d visit denver and it would remind him of home despite being in the states and he’d acquire some unreasonable lowkey deranged emotional attachment to the city and therefore the team bc he’s just sentimental like that fr

winton: he has the aura of a good, proper raised southern boy and for that i feel like he could be a titans fan? idk. not too sure abt this one but nothing else fits as well

ball: hampter is a buccs fan because he’s a little shit who loves starting shit. what more is there to it?

zarya: she’s got a thing for the patriots bc while tom brady was still doing tom brady she’d look at him and be like HA i could do so much more than this puny man. put me in coach. i will crush the opposition. basically only a fan bc she thinks brady is lame and she would’ve been a better qb for the team LMAO

[arcadiafm]

we’d got some more wanted connections for any lurkers who are interested in pre-established connections !! 

[ MARC SPECTOR ] is looking for a [ MARLENE ALRAUNE ] connection, who is [ 40+ ] years old and looks like [ LÉA SEYDOUX, LAUREN GERMAN, ELLE JUNE HENRARD, AMANDA SEYFRIED, HILARY DUFF, DIANNA AGRON, CLAIRE HOLT, MILA KUNIS, EMILIA CLARKE, ANA DE ARMAS, MANDY MOORE, JENNA COLEMAN / UTP ]. [ KAM ] [ DOES ] require to be contacted prior to applying. ( as a little " warning " ⏤ i'm not looking to ship the two of them, and respect that marlene has chosen to divorce marc after their rather rocky relationship to each other. however, i am very willing for the two of them to remain friendly, platonic soulmates ⏤ they have a little daughter after all !! one that jake lockley pretended to be the uncle to, when marc would stop fronting as much as he had done before. generally, i'm down for a little awkwardness, pettiness, shared custody issues and soft moments. maybe some point at which they bond )

[ HYACINTH XAVIER-LEHNSHERR ] is looking for a [ TWIN ] connection, who is [ IT'S COMPLICATED?? HYACINTH IS TECHNICALLY 24 ] years old and looks like [ FLORENCE PUGH, RUDY PANKOW / ANY WHITE FC WHO COULD BE MADELYN CLINE'S TWIN ]. [ HAN ] [ DOES ] require to be contacted prior to applying. ( so this is quite complicated, lmfao -- the twins were born to charles xavier + raven darkholme which is exactly where things get messy. because of powers or the universe the twins were thrown into the 1990's [ they were born in the 1950's or so, there's room for changing that around. they were in the 90's for a bit but the unnamed twin got scared and went back, leaving hyacinth [ then named charlotte ] alone and ended up in various foster homes. when raven got the other twin back, they gave them to charles .. there's more to it but that's the gist. the twin doesn't have to have time - based powers, but it would make things easier to explain !! )

[ INES + NAMOR ] are looking for a [ LOST DAUGHTER ] connection, who is [ AROUND 100-200? ] years old and looks like [ KAREN VEGA, MALI.NALLI, YUKAIMA GONZALEZ, BRAYDEE CARDINAL, ISHBEL BAUTISTA, TIA WOOD, ANDREA CHAPARRO / ANY NATIVE N. AMERICAN / NATIVE MEXICAN FC -- NOT MIXED! ]. [ HAN / KAMI ] [ DOES ] require to be contacted prior to applying. ( so the story goes that the queen of lemuria replaced ines + namor's newborn mere minutes after birth with a dead talokan baby and raised her as her own, believing namor to return to lemuria and they'd be a family one day, which would never come true, obviously. ines + namor have been grieving their dead child since they lost her, so getting her back would be heartbreaking but also everything they deserve. please message either i or kami, or both of us. as ines' rper i do want them to have a good relationship at some point -- losing this child broke her in ways she had never been broken before. )

[redhandedsuggestions]

🩰 Can they dance?

💊 Have they ever gotten a taste of their own medicine?

💈What kind of haircut do they have?

for mestas!

🩰 Can they dance?

She can, but doesn't get many opportunities to. it's something she's embarrassed about for no good reason. when she started working for House Dimir, dance lessons were one of the first things she ever used her money with. kid Mes wanted to be graceful and pretty and she saw that dancers were graceful and pretty. now that she's an adult she doesn't want anyone to find out that she can dance-- or that her reason for learning to dance was so childish in the first place.

💊 Have they ever gotten a taste of their own medicine?

ohhh man, when has she not? her main thing as an assassin has always been mindmagic. she doesn't use it as much now that she's Gruul, but various illusions and mind tricks were her go-to tools for her work back then. After Taven became obsessed with destroying her and the Revelers, he began employing a lot of the same types of mind games and illusions on her, to fantastic effect. it turns out that if the object of an illusion is one of your greatest fears, it's pretty difficult for you to think logically enough to dispel it. Taven is the source of her fear of crows/ravens, because one of his simpler but longer illusions involved her being "stalked" by a crow that kept dropping feathers that looked more like Taven's than a bird's.

💈What kind of haircut do they have?

it varies. she's supposed to have a simple, messy undercut, and that's what i describe her as having in the ongoing RP that is her story, buuut... I actually usually draw her with more medium-length hair that's longer on whichever side is away from the viewer. even her current (admittedly outdated) ref sheet has this hair style instead of the undercut she's supposed to have

this is from 2020 and is the outdated design but it's the last thing i drew of her and shows what i mean

every now and then i sort of incorporate this haircut into the RP juuust long enough to take a moment to describe Mes shaving it back into an undercut lmfao. so it technically is a correct hair style for her, but it's not the one i intended for her to have most of the time

[cardboardfeet]

regen server in an nutshell

[unproduciblesmackdown]

get in we’re pondering / extrapolating some pt lore (there’s a tl;dr paragraph at the very end ;w;)

often musing about the overarching Theme/s in the series where there's like, these axes of, hope vs despair, self sacrifice (often to protect others) vs being protected by others (often to prevent self sacrifice), and i was thinking about how those protective self sacrifices (which often generally contain some aspect of hope And despair, the former in that someone is taking an action in the hopes of protecting someone, the latter in that they don't have any hope of any less (potentially) self destructive course to pursue to achieve that, or else they'd be doing that instead) do succeed at least in part. we don't really know what's going on with tutu in the story besides disappearing / turning into a point of light, but she exists outside of the story too and manifests in ways clearly associated with hope, & i think we can infer that her appearance/disappearance in the story did have this effect for mytho in giving him hope b/c like, how can it be a coincidence that the heart shard of Hope happens to be the one used to let someone become tutu, or that mytho was able to feel hope prior to technically have the capacity for it when thinking about her and then recognize as much in retrospect. and mytho himself sacrifices his own heart to protect everyone from the raven, rue sacrificing herself saves mytho from the raven in turn, and what i'm getting around to is that i was thinking about how sacrifices are never in vain, except for the knight's, but then i was like, well hey, what if because the rules of this story do seem to Always Reward tragic self sacrifices (surely at least in part to Incentivize it from the characters, b/c the sacrifices made wholly out of despair are apparently just people losing their hearts to the raven, f, and characters making sacrifices in the hopes of protecting someone have to actually have that hope at all), maybe the knight's death wasn't really Useless

and maybe it's relevant that the knight presumably wasn't intending to die right then, there's no implication that like, he was pushing the prince out of the way taking a bullet for him, just that the knight meant to attack the raven but didn't even manage to do that and got killed instead. but i think we can suppose that the knight was just always willing to die for the prince and there's this degree of inherent sacrifice in that already, as well as in being so devoted to the prince and protecting him, which the knight must've done plenty of even if, in the moment he was killed, there was no direct achievement in protecting mytho / siegfried / the prince. and i doubt that the way the prince felt about it was actually like "oh my god, useless" rather than that the knight did die For Him, even if mytho wasn't in immediate mortal danger that could've only been thwarted by the knight's death, and even if the knight presumably didn't Know he would die and actually choose that, because of accepting it as his only option to protect mytho. and it's evident throughout the series that characters being Real allows them to act in ways drosselmeyer doesn't predict or hasn't directed them to act or doesn't even necessarily know about, thinking of details like, mytho knowing his name is siegfried doesn't seem to come from any Text of drosselmeyer's in the story, or else people would know the prince has a name besides "the prince," and who knows, maybe drosselmeyer's unwritten hcs are part of the reality of his stories lol, but that's a fun mystery element, and beyond that these characters were all people with full lives and interiority that were not / could not have been written in full detail in the story's text and almost certainly weren't / couldn't have been Thought Out in full by drosselmeyer like that.

and i'm just thinking about how the knight is the only prominent character who outright dies in the unfinished story, aside from various, presumably not individually described/named people in the kingdom being killed by the raven, and possible details not mentioned in the series, like idk, whether or not mytho's parent/s died at some point in the course of the story. tutu's disappearance is too ambiguously magical to really call it a death, although it's a Tragic Fate intended to write her out of the story, and there's no indication of kraehe / the concept of The Raven's Daughter existing in the story, since in the first season kraehe is really fully standing in for the raven as the main villain / antagonist, with the raven not being shown or mentioned by her until the second season, and fakir just directly referring to kraehe as a crow or raven during that first season, and what with the idea in the second season that rue was just some random person the raven stole and presumably made up the concept of there being a [the raven's daughter] role. 

(even though when kraehe appears in season one it's clearly a swan lake / odile thing, and i guess you could conceivably wonder like "hey, is she the daughter of some rothbart equivalent here. like the story raven as the primary antagonist"....that's all Meta beyond the series's metatextual layers and, since idk, characters know of these other classic ballets, i guess it's possible swan lake as a ballet exists too. nobody's mentioning anything though lol. now i'm like.....okay so another tchaikovsky composed ballet was relevant / known in the sleeping beauty episode, where electricity was also a thing people were aware existed, if rare, not sure when this series was set but late 19th century seems plausible enough and swan lake wasn't immediately popular so maybe it exists but is too niche lore for these characters to be familiar with it lmao.....but then i'm like wait hang on. what if it must be after 1892 because the dance of the sugarplum fairy playing when ahiru walks in on mytho practicing seems to be diagetic. and then i'm like, nijinksy was only born in 1890, and didn't perform afternoon of a faun until 1912, and that seems just a little late, although at the same time everyone's existing in a fairy tale town and it could feasibly be any point in time outside of that. this tangent is going on way too long and my Real Conclusion of course is that we're not really meant to match up any timeline with the In Real Life timelines of when ballets premiered and became popular / established as Classics)

back to the point: out of the four main roles, tutu magically and mysteriously disappeared but didn't outright die the way that the human knight was definitely killed, and the duck who is given her powers / role is apparently truly just some random duck who happened to care for mytho (thinking about his apparent affinity for birds and theirs for him), kraehe was probably not a part of the story at all as the daughter of the raven and rue is apparently just some random baby who was kidnapped, mytho didn't die because he's the same self he was from the story, uninterrupted, and the knight did die, and fakir is just some kid but is also apparently identified as the reincarnation of that knight. and, whether or not that's just some coincidence or meant to be true, it's true for all intents and purposes since fakir found mytho and chose to devote himself to protecting him and is aware of / thinks of himself as the knight, and if the raven and drosselmeyer could've picked some random babies and ducks to have roles in the story, it shouldn't actually be a detriment to fakir if he's actually also just some guy who chose to be the knight rather than also actually already that knight reincarnated. the roles of both tutu and lohengrin are supposed to be intrinsically limited by their same roles as written in the story, where clearly drosselmeyer, wanting conflict and drama and peak effective tragedy, and kraehe / the raven as antagonists to these two, expect and want tutu to willingly vanish again and the knight to wield his sword and, at some point here, die. which, in season one, it seems likely enough that although fakir wasn't exactly instantly torn apart by the raven attack that Got him, he would've died if not for edel's intervention altering the story. anyway, assuming the roles comes from Choosing it / being willing to accept it and having some sort of magical artifact access out here, ahiru having a heart shard, rue having...raven blood and the fact that there's also the like, actual ravens out there who are Also magic b/c they're doing evil stuff, and turning into cursed pointe shoes and attacking canaries so the prince might jump out a window to save one, and fakir having magic swords. as well as, you know, the prince, the most magic artifact of all, truly

i'm kind of losing the point there lmfao just getting into details in a tangent. what i was trying to point out is that yeah, the knight's the only one of the four main roles who was clearly, officially, violently killed in the story. and then i was thinking about how, as far as i can think, it kind of comes totally out of nowhere in season two that like, oh hey, also fakir is a descendent of drosselmeyer's and i guess has that same magic writing ability. not that i think these season two framework shifts like That, or like kraehe being the daughter of the raven instead of just directly standing in for the raven as a concept and character, or like "oh right and also i'd poisoned mytho back in the season one finale" weren't possibly in mind the whole time, Or that if they weren't that's a problem, Or that either way, they needed to be foreshadowed / set up Textually in season one or anything, since you do need to change things up for there to Be a season two that doesn't have to retread the conflicts in the same way, and that's what these shifts allow for. it's still just that the effect is like, oh damn, fakir isn't just The Knight from the story reincarnated, he ALSO happens to have drosselmeyer's magic powers b/c they're related??? wow what a coincidence, that's so lucky for him in affording him Magic Powers that don't come from the story b/c if he wields the power of being the knight he Has to inevitably die, and while the power to write reality is clearly dangerous and Could kill him (or others), there's at least a chance, whereas it seems like otherwise, if you're accessing the powers that come with having a role from the story, you either have to accept the same fate as in the story, someone with the power of those who guide the story, e.g. edel, must externally alter its course, or you have to give up the role and its powers, like ahiru ultimately did by giving up the final piece of mytho's heart, and fakir did by no longer trying to be the knight and instead protecting everyone by figuring out how to wield his power to Write.

so then basically my thought was, hey, maybe it's Not *just* a coincidence that fakir's Also drosselmeyer's descendent. in the same way that it's not Just a coincidence that the original tutu, having made this sacrifice in the story, is somehow, in part or in whole, attached to the prince's feeling of hope, and able to manifest even once that piece of the prince's heart has been returned and ahiru no longer "officially" has access to tutu's role and power (whether that power is gone b/c her powers were all about returning the prince's heart shards or because the powers she had were the prince's, because of having a piece of his heart). there's already these parallels between the roles of this tragic princess and the knight, both fated to disappear and die, respectively, and the story rewards these noble sacrifices even as it demands them b/c the author loves tragedy, b/c drosselmeyer's also trying to work within some conventions here to have a cohesive story and to allow enough hope in the story to motivate the characters and give everything enough stakes to really be effectively tragic (although he was also apparently writing characters who'd appear and then forever disappear on the same page, so. all to a degree lol). and yet the story and the people in it can also operate outside of drosselmeyer's Intent and Control and even knowledge of what all is a factor in everything going on, because that's part of his power, the stories and their characters become people who are real in the same way that people not from the story are real, and there's elements of who they were and are and can be that drosselmeyer didn't write. rue wasn't meant to sacrifice herself, edel / uzura wasn't meant to help the characters avoid tragedy, ahiru was meant to be powerless as a duck (and a regular girl), fakir was meant to be powerless or die, tbh mytho was probably meant to prevail in the end but also maybe drosselmeyer wouldn't've minded if the raven won And Also definitely wouldn't've minded if mytho going "well fuck this, i'll take out my heart again, regain it, kill you that time, then also kill myself" had been seen through which would've been decidedly ultimately tragic even if the prince also "won," and/or if the prince just kept getting stuck in these stalemates and having to shatter & regain his heart in an eternal loop (thinking of how mytho sure managed to like, phase Inside the raven magically via giant swan made of light (see: my theory that although that's very [tutu] visuals, tutu is also kinda Hope Embodied in this series, and we don't quite know whether original tutu's magic powers were different from the prince's magic abilities, or how, and i like to believe that mytho Can also manifest as a giant swan made of light) which was apparently only an option after he not only regained the capacity to feel hope but kinda had an actual feeling of hope kickstarted by ahiru, who's been and continues tapping into tutu's power as being so associated with / tied to Hope as a concept in general, so he presumably couldn't've done that move otherwise).

SO we're really meandering around here, by which i mean that i am, but so it goes. my point is!!! with All That in mind, and again reiterating how i opened that last paragraph before getting a little off track as always, i was thinking that it might not be Just A Coincidence that fakir is both the reincarnation of the knight / takes on the role of the knight, AND has drosselmeyer's magic writing powers in this completely separate matter of genealogy. (also, i'm sorry, but total tangent again: i'm not 100% on the timeline of things, but i'm like, okay, the raven comes into the real world, and the prince follows it, and then we know that this real world town had like, these killer raven attacks that could disappear an infant or kill a kid's parents. and i think we can suppose that rue and fakir happen to be pretty much the same age, and rue was kidnapped as a baby, so the raven was definitely around then, and fakir's parents were killed when he was like, a young kid but definitely not a baby or even a toddler, and rue was also running around and able to dance and only knew herself as kraehe until meeting mytho and wanting to give herself another name as just a human. so like....i'm bad at estimating ages but like, what, they're at least 5 when they meet mytho? maybe more like 6 or 7. the point is, so there were raven attacks for actual Years before the prince shattered his heart? and maybe mytho was fighting the raven in that perpetual stalemate for all those years, but probably he would've aged those several years if he existed outside the story's [Paused In Time] situation but still had his heart, since it's presumably his having Lost his heart that means he has no pulse and doesn't age and, you know, has lost his memories and emotions. and if we say it was like, at least 4 years or something, and mytho's like, ambiguously sort of Older Teen, say 16 or 17, idk (he's a baby still ;m; but also a fairytale prince, so) and you supposed he aged while out of the story And that he was out of the story and fighting the raven those several years before giving up his heart, that'd mean that when the book left off, he was locked in this deadly battle for the kingdom with the main villain as like, circa 11 years old or what have you. not outside the realm of fiction or fairytales, but still....but more so than that, idk, you'd think if there was this magic storybook prince around fighting the raven/s for years, full hearted and thus with his memories / sense of self intact, people would've been as aware of his presence as that of these killer ravens, and like, actually know who he is, as siegfried, and prior to there being this guy, mytho, who only fakir and co. and rue, out of anyone else in town, realize is actually this prince from a story that exists as a storybook in their world. which, i Guess it's possible that mytho was around outside the story for years before shattering his heart to seal the raven away, but also, seems like maybe instead it was years before he followed the raven out of the story and then once he did he pretty much immediately sacrificed his heart? not that the All Realities Narrator mentions a gap between the raven escaping the story and the prince chasing after it, but a) they also didn't specifically say that this didn't happen and b) maybe it was just some like, issue of jumping between dimensions basically, i.e. from the perspective of mytho in the story he did follow the raven out immediately, only to find that from the perspective of this other world, the raven had been an issue for years and c) maybe this difference in time was so that mytho would be dropped into more of an equivalent situation as he was in back in the story, where the raven had Also already been a problem for years in that story's universe, before the point where drosselmeyer has died and the story is left off unfinished. so here's mytho now entering this other reality, where even though he himself has just shown up after having battling the raven for years In Story (and then in stasis because the story was not able to progress in its own world), and is having to choose to protect these people who have not Just been introduced to the raven's attacks, but have been dealing with it for years as something that can and has killed people, just as was the case with the townspeople back in the world of the story.)

okay i apologize to the readers and to myself, no more tangents: what if!!!! it's not a fortunate coincidence that fakir has access to the powers of the separate roles of "the knight from the story" and "drosselmeyer's descendent in this world"!!!! What If!!!!!!!!! the knight's death, rather than being truly "useless," actually still counted as a sacrifice made in the hope of protecting others, and was thusly rewarded with some form of success, as other such sacrifices are rewarded both in the story of prinz und rabe, but also in the overall story of this series, aka princess tutu, although clearly in the end the Happy Ending comes from not only these sacrifices but the characters all protecting each other so that these ultimate self sacrifices don't need to be made (thinking of how often characters talk about wanting to protect each other, fakir being motivated to try Writing again after realizing all these other characters are doing their best to protect him, mytho saying he won't Give Up Again to ahiru (also tutu....just standing here staring at the wall like blair witch style that he never seems to have known that the duck was not only the version of tutu he'd been encountering but also ahiru who he was like "hey bestie :)" to in ep 14 before getting ko'd and never knowingly talking to her again haha scream that's just. that's fine!!! anyway rue could tell him but then again like, a little late. UNLESS they can just come back and visit?? i have some sense that there might have once been plans to make a season three for the series if possible way back in the day, yknow, when said series was being released, but i only "remember" this from Maybe someone's post from that 15th anniversary event and maybe, jonathan frakes voice, it never happened) referring to his intent to sacrifice his heart again as being that "giving up"......THE POINT BEING. maybe the knight's death was a sacrifice, and according the role that such sacrifices have, that sacrifice had some positive, helpful, protecting effect, and in this case, it was that the knight's reincarnation had these Other powers as well beyond the knight's role in the story, so that this knight could do more but protect mytho some but ultimately die in the effort with that death Supposedly being for nothing, aka the fact that fakir is related to drosselmeyer is thanks to lohengrin sacrificing himself to protect mytho, even if the circumstances of his death did not appear to, and were not intended by drosselmeyer to, have any direct benefit for anyone. did the knight somehow have conscious influence over his own reincarnation, or was it more like, these superhuman forces Rewarding the sacrifice / affording the knight this new chance at fate? could be either i guess!! (and was fakir born when the raven entered that world, or prior? he was as old as he was when he met mytho, had mytho Just shown up or did he really arrive just after the raven and had been fighting all the time and it's just that, for whatever reason, nobody else knew he was there? or they did, but once the raven was sealed away, maybe other people Forgot what had happened prior too, re: the prince and the Monster Raven anyways? since while people had known about the like, regular bird form ravens who killed people, nobody mentioned the big german abstract expressionism sky blocking raven who ate hearts.....and not like there wasn't people dying back in the story despite the prince's efforts (though that was related as well to like, people Definitely knowing the prince existed, and Despairing b/c he was so epic, actually) i don't know, it could be Either Way, i'm just wondering like, was fakir born prior to a character from The Story entering that world, or after? i feel like Maybe some timeline details might've been mentioned re: when the ravens showed up, but i don't remember. although i guess it's not impossible re: this theory that he was born beforehand but is still definitely the knight, and as i type this, i remember the whole "he's always had the birthmarks that identified him as the reincarnation of the knight" element, so it's Already True that whenever he was born, that was the case, aaand also i'm remembering that lohengrin died before where the story left off, and in that story's universe, idk, maybe years passed....and i Just was talking about how maybe the timelines / passage of time are not parallel and Aligned 1:1 between worlds here, so. point is! however it shakes out, lohengrin died for all intents and purposes Before fakir was born, who Is the knight whether or not he's really lohengrin's reincarnation, which he Could be, because lohengrin Was a human who Did die. so!!!!! (it's 6am....i've been writing this for hours lol. i prommy my thoughts would've been a Little more in order otherwise. possibly)

TL;DR: what if, rather than the knight's death being "useless" and his failing to protect the prince through being killed, it still counted as a sacrifice to protect mytho, and when you consider how this Theme of sacrifice is handled throughout the series, it would be in line with everything else if this sacrifice was rewarded even if the text of prinz und rabe / drosselmeyer did not consider this / recognize this to be a "successful" act of self sacrifice to protect the prince, and that reward was the knight's reincarnation Also being a descendent of drosselmeyer with a power that would allow him to protect people without being held to the knight's fate of being killed, rather than it being a complete unrelated coincidence that fakir is the knight And a person who just so happens to have the ability to write reality, thanks to being in the same family as drosselmeyer. what if lohengrin's sacrifice let him escape his own fate down the line and this time "successfully" protect the prince without having to die before the story finishes! it wouldn't change anything in the story as we know it and i think it'd be Thematically Resonant.

[kylorengarbagedump]

Little Bird: Chapter 34 (NSFW)

Read on AO3. Part 33 here. Part 35 here.

Summary: A graveyard is a good place to bury all kinds of things.

Words: 5200

Warnings: inappropriate cemetery conduct

Characters: Kylo Ren x Handmaid!Reader

A/N: me, publishing last chapter: haha wait until they fuck on the graves, people will be--

everyone in the comments: ARE THEY GONNA FUCK IN THE CEMETERY

(DO I HAVE A FUCKING BRAND? I hate myself LMFAO)

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter--it was like pulling teeth to write, and I had to re-do it like three times. Thanks very much to @thetorturerwrites for assistance! I'm still very much loving this story, loving y'all's feedback, loving your thoughts. Hopefully you don't hate me too much for the ending of this chapter. Oopsie!! Love y'all so much. BE SAFE. <3

Beds of clovers blanketed the abandoned parking lot, pavement cracking and parting to the encroaching wilderness beyond, green valleys drowned in the sheets of rain. The Audi whirred in frustration, then stopped, wheels sloshing the muddied ground. Kylo Ren exited and stepped into the downpour without an umbrella--or really anything else that might protect him from getting absolutely soaked--while you readjusted your bonnet and flipped up the hood on the coat he’d given you.

By the time you’d managed to clamber out of the car, he’d already started down a grass-eaten pathway, long strides cutting a straight line off the winding concrete walk. You scampered to catch up with him, water pelting your face and splashing your boots--you called after him, but he either failed to hear you, or simply didn’t care. 

As he crossed into the cemetery proper, you passed entire yards decorated with forgotten graves--in the ground, you imagined the skeletons, filthy with dirt, nameless and faceless and truly dead, their identities known only to memories razed by the ravages of time. Tall oaks and maples stretched into the sky, their trunks smothered with overgrowth, some of them swallowed to the branches. Within them, you spied evidence of life--stick nests, a family of ravens sheltered from the storm under ceilings of vines. And then, further into the cemetery, a bird strangled in a mass of these same vines, wings quartered and neck snapped. 

You followed him into a clearing, plumes of wildflowers burgeoning through a white brick path that meandered to a marble slab only slightly shorter than Kylo himself. At each side of the slab, a raised black granite tomb, plantlife weaving to obscure the ledgers. Beyond that, a grass ocean billowed into a valley, rolling to the edge of a forest, all of it waving in the storm winds. Lightning bleached the sky, and you squealed, folding your arms over your chest.

Kylo stopped before the feet of the tombs, staring. Rivers raced ridges into his hair and over his cheeks, dripped down his long nose, his eyes pooled with vacancy, clear and empty and absent of anything you had the ability to name.

“You wanted to know what made me,” he said. “Ask the right questions. I’ll tell you.” Thunder groaned, miles away. 

“Okay,” you said, squinting at him. “Where are we?” 

He exhaled through his nose. “My parents’ graves.”

A curtain of rain swept the air, and you glanced between him and the graves before crossing to the slab, tearing through the slippery leaves. The stems were coiled tight around one another, but a sharp tug, and they ripped to the side, revealing the engraved dedication in large, block letters. 

Organa. 

Frowning, you glanced at him for a moment; he stood, still blank, failing to offer even the slightest acknowledgement of your presence. You sighed. The name Organa was familiar, but you’d only ever known it in connection with a late senator. To your surprise, as you tugged more, you saw her name: Leia Organa. One of the tombs belonged to her--and listed underneath her, the owner of the other tomb: Han Solo.

Breath evaporated, the pieces colliding like atoms, sparking light. You blinked, tracing the names with your fingertips as water creeked through the indentation. All he had said was what made me. But to know him--this mystery, in some moments more monster than man, and in others more hallowed than human--saddled you with more confusion than ever. This was a non-answer, a presentation in lieu of conversation. 

You turned, brow raised. “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t.”

“Why did you take me here?”

His jaw tensed. “They are,” he said, voice stark in the storm, “what made me.”

More lightning, and you jumped, cursing yourself internally. You couldn’t reconcile the restrained, adjusted grandeur displayed at this gravesite with the person at its border. You knew enough about politics before Gilead to understand that a senator’s son was someone ostensibly raised in a home of democracy. Yet this man was one forged in war.

This man, the one who had helped craft and arrange the society that controlled your life, the one who had taken and destroyed any hint of hope in your life barring him--this was a man raised with values of freedom, of self-reliance? In this moment, his flickers of tenderness didn’t matter; they were snuffed in the shadows of your dependence. Kylo Ren, regardless of his rebellion, afforded you only what he determined was necessary. It was only by his grace you were out of your red dress, only by his allowance you’d known any level of escape. 

Your enslavement was as it had always been--it’d only changed, you realized, in its terms.

“That doesn’t really answer my question,” you grumbled.

“Then you haven’t asked the right question, little bird.” His tone was chiding, but his face was blank.

“Wasn’t your mother a senator? Or something?” It was difficult to remember--it had been years ago. “Didn’t she campaign for civil rights?”

“She did.”

“Wasn’t she well-liked? Popular with her constituents?”

“She was.”

This game was wearing on you--but he was right. You hadn’t asked any right questions. “But… you helped create Gilead.” You swallowed. “You talk about destiny and roles and…” You shook your head. “You’re still a Commander.” 

Kylo Ren blinked, unfazed by the rain. 

“What happened?” you asked. “Did she do something wrong?”

“She feared what she didn’t know.” His voice was dry. “She abandoned what she didn’t understand.” 

“I…” That had disarmed you. But it wasn’t an explanation. “What didn’t she know?” you asked. “What didn’t she understand?”

Darkness flashed across his face. “Everything.”

The crack in his facade spurred you. “But she was your mother.” You were testing him, watching his reaction. “Didn’t she try?”

“Trying would imply she had direction.” His stare sank into you, fangs at your flesh. “She was lost.”

You raised a brow. “Lost.” There was a dropping dread that he was leading you toward a conclusion that would result in you forever seeking his permission for your humanity. You wouldn’t let him off so easily. “She hurt you.”

It was, technically, a question, in guise of a statement. But Kylo was silent. His eye twitched. It stoked hunger inside of you, a craving for his vulnerability.

“But that doesn’t make you right.” You gestured toward the graves. “Just because you were hurt doesn’t mean that someone like her raises...” You cleared your throat, swallowed. “Raises someone like you.” 

A bolt snapped, blanched him in light. “Someone like me.” 

You met his gaze; those pools were churning, now, deep below their shared surface--an ancient beast submerged in forced indifference, daring you to speak it into existence, goading you to give it a name.

“Yes.” You shivered. “A murderer. An owner of another human being.”

The sky quaked. Over his shoulders, a bird flock fled the trees. Kylo advanced, irises burning with something like anger, distant and buried, his teeth grit. Your fingers found purchase in the vines--you anchored yourself to them.

“Do you have questions,” he asked, “or observations?”

Your jaw tightened. “I have a question.”

“Then ask.”

“Okay.” You squared your shoulders. “How did they make you?”

Kylo stared--more lightning--illuminating the terrible void in his eyes. His shoulders fell, face sharpening in self-assured stoicism. “In the same way that a neglected grave grows weeds.”

You blinked, tilting your head. “You’re the grave.”

“No.” His gaze simmered as it met yours. “I’m the weed.”

“What?” you asked. “How are you the weed?”

“It’s as I’ve explained.” Kylo sniffed, returned his attention to the tomb. “I had no choice.”

“But how did you have no choice?”

“There were no other options.” His lids fluttered, thunder cracked. He stared at the ledger, following the twisted clot of leaves that shrouded the inscription on the granite. His tone was frozen steel. “They gave me no choice.”

Your fingers curled around wet stems, and you swallowed. The conversation you’d had in his den floated through your mind--it feels like I’m dying, like I don’t even have a choice. In his mind, they’d been killing him. Anxiety clenched your chest.

“Kylo, you’re not making any sense.” 

“Very few things made sense,” he said. “The world required order. I found truth. Truth they disagreed with.” For a moment, his expression etched in despair and exhaustion--the sky blinked, and it was gone. “Ask me how they died.”

“How did they…”  

You paused, looked at him. It had been big news--they were shot in their home. You gulped. A terrible, black-ink reality crept into your gut. The gunman was never found.

Hands trembling, you spun, yanking the vines to the side, exposing the dates. Both of them, deceased on November 18th, 1979. The date was too familiar--the day of the recording. The day Ben Solo signed his commitment to the foundation of Gilead. Your heart seized, throat closed, and you turned, dragging your gaze along the ground, traveling up his figure, resting on his face.

Kylo Ren’s eyes were obsidian, brittle-edged and fragile to fracture. You struggled to breathe, wanting to ask how, ask why--knowing that, in his way, he’d already given you the answer.

To any garden, a weed was an invader, gnarling through the dirt and choking eager life, sapping it of space--without intervention, an untamed weed consumed its home, ate its brethren, dominated to meet its needs. They were not like so many flowers, tended to with gentle hands, encouraged to flourish and blossom in their beds. No, weeds existed in the realm of burden, forever unwanted, accepted only to be controlled or destroyed. A weed could only be afforded the privilege to exist if it left the perimeter of the garden, renounced its birthplace, and decided, with defiance, to live. 

You pulled the coat tight around you, folded your arms. “Did they deserve it?”

The obsidian sharpened under your stare. And he swallowed. “No.”

Nervous heat rushed your skin. “You know that this isn’t truth. This isn’t right.”

Kylo reached beyond you, plucked a leaf from the vine. “I brought you here so you would understand,” he said. “There is value in knowing and realizing your purpose. In knowing your role. Inherent and unalterable.” He crumpled the leaf in his fist. “Without Gilead, purpose and meaning are lost. My parents failed to realize their purpose, and the world suffered. You’ll realize yours.” Tossing the debris to the side, he fixated on you again, his hair sticking like black thread to his face. “I’ll realize mine.”

Lightning split the sky. This hadn’t been a pilgrimage, it had been a proselytization. In his desire to grasp at meaning, he’d attempted to convince you of it, too. Yet by now, you could see, see his doubts plaguing him, deep currents in his mind--could see that in convincing you, he’d wanted, too, to convince himself, that he was born demonic, abandoned to Hell in the depths of destiny. But you knew better. You knew him.

Scanning you, he turned down the brick path. “Come.”

“What is my purpose, Kylo?”

He froze mid-step, a statue in the rain. Water whispered, then howled, a susurrus in crescendo, punctuated by a sharp, static crack in the sky. You squeaked; Kylo peered at you from over his shoulder, and even through the storm, you saw it. He was your reflection again, an augmented refraction--if you were afraid, then he was terrified.

“What’s my purpose?” you repeated, stepping toward him. “Don’t you know?” 

He didn’t speak, and didn’t move. You took another step, and another, passing like a ghost under the veil of rain. Kylo watched you, obsidian strained to splinter.

“You can't answer because you know you're wrong.” You wanted to stare into him, stare through him. “You know there's something more to this life, that we have options, we have choices--”

He shifted, and took the tiniest, most egregious step back. “We don’t.”

“We do,” you said. “But you can’t admit it because you can’t admit that you chose all of this!”

“I didn’t.”

“You did!” You were an arm’s length from him. He didn’t move. “You chose your name, you chose your path, you chose this life--and you chose mine, too.” Another step, close enough to count the constellations on his face. “But it doesn’t have to be like this. You can be whoever you want to be.” As if possessed by its own destiny, your hand rose, grazed his fingers, your grip slippery and warm--he trembled when you held him. “You can… you can be Ben--”

Sneering, he jerked back. “No.”

You shook your head, reaching for him again. “But I want to know him.”

“Why?” His pupils were shadowed in waterfalls.

“Because,” you said, “that’s who you are--”

“It’s not.”

“It is,” you said, grabbing his hand, “I want to know him, I want to know Ben Solo--”

Kylo snarled, wrung you away. “Why do you insist on raising the dead?” He loomed--you retreated, and he chased you back, spitting through his teeth. “There is no Ben Solo!”

“But that’s your name--”

“My name is mine to give! Not yours to know!” His face was aflame with fury. “You want Ben Solo to free you--Ben Solo was the coward. Ben Solo killed his parents.” He drew closer, pressing you back with every step. “I saved you. I carried you.” His lips twisted in a mirthless smirk. “I fucked you.” Kylo had your back flat to the slab now, obsidian shattered in the throes of his wrath. “You don’t know Ben Solo. You know me.” He caged you underneath him, a black sun burning heat and gravity between your bodies. “You know what made me, little bird,” he muttered, a delicious threat. “Are you afraid?”

In the summer storm air, he sweltered you, so hot that when your wet gown glued to your back, you had no way to know if it was sweat or rain. His focus flicked between your mouth, your eyes, your mouth, and he leaned closer, framing you between his forearms, his breath scant. You stared at him--your devil, your echo, your enigma--and knew, despite all of his impossible complexities, you would never, ever be afraid.

Jaw steeled, you pushed off your hood, snatched your bonnet, tossed it to the ground. Lightning streaked and pealed with thunder. You didn’t even flinch.

“No, Kylo,” you breathed. “I’m not.”

You licked your lips, exhaled. And his mouth was on you.

Kylo Ren’s kiss was a slippery bruise, melding madness at your skin, tongue driving into you while he inhaled through his nose. You met him, movement for movement, groaning against him, fingers folding into his hair, thumbs tracing the tops of his ears, and he gasped along your lips before capturing them again, snatching your wrists and pinning them with one large hand above your head. Arousal sparkled in your belly--you wriggled in his grip, offering a needy roll of your hips before swirling your tongue around his. His hold on your wrists tightened, and he pinned you to the stone, grinding his growing desire into the apex of your thighs.

You throbbed, a full-body pulse, humming into him with a shudder. Kylo nipped your lower lip and slid to your chin, following the streams on your skin as he pressed clumsy, open-mouthed kisses along your jaw, falling to suck and nibble at your heartbeat. Whimpering, you nuzzled your head into his, and he responded with a sharp bite to your neck, barely-restrained, earning a squeal from your throat.

“Are you sure you’re not afraid?” he murmured into your ear. “Do you think you can handle me?”

Lust seared you like fire. You smirked. “Try me.”

Kylo growled, wresting you from the stone by your arms and guiding you back until you toppled onto one of the vine-encrusted tombs. He was greed incarnate, tearing your coat from your shoulders before he grappled the neckline of your nightgown and shredded the buttons apart. Your cunt clenched, lungs stalled--he kissed you again, big hands groping at your tits while he pushed you flat along the grave, crawling over until he straddled you, a beast bent over his meal.

Rain bathed you both, rivers roaming over your curves, white cloth of your bra a dewy illusion over your breasts. His thumbs skimmed your nipples with prickles of pleasure, and you moaned, shoving your hands under his shirt, reveling in the hard planes of his body--he tensed,  moving back to your neck, sucking at your throat. You memorized the muscle under your fingertips, Kylo’s skin damp and hot under your hands, and he was voracious, without restraint, pulling painful hickeys from your pulse. 

Need burned between your thighs, and he shifted lower, marking you in abandon, drawing tissue between his teeth, welts popping to life under the pressure of his lips. Anxiety flitted through your mind--he was leaving visible evidence--but the soft groan from his chest wiped it clean, your back arching to offer more of your untamed flesh. Grateful, he bit at the swell of your tits, crimson crescents blooming, and his hands hiked up your skirt, tugging at your underwear as he laved at your nipple through your bra, scraping it with his teeth through the fabric. You squealed, squirming, and he yanked the garment free, leaving your sex aching from exposure.

Kylo fumbled at your folds, two thick fingers peeling you open, assessing your slickness, teasing your entrance. “So wet already,” he said and clucked his tongue. “And in a cemetery. You’d take my cock whenever I wanted, wouldn’t you?”

You bit your lip, trying to rub against his hand. “As if you aren’t ready to fuck me on your mother’s grave.”

He snickered. “You’re wrong.” He leaned to your ear, thumb skating your clit--you gasped. “It’s my father’s.”

Kylo pushed into you, and you tightened around him, hips twitching, head lolling along the leaves. His mouth ravished you again, leaving purple pebbles in its wake while he claimed you from chin to clavicle, spit and storm and sweat blending on his tongue. Scissoring you open, he rolled your stiff clit, rocking his wrist, curling and working your walls, his other hand palming at his erection in an attempt to pacify himself. You bucked your hips, a shivering moan escaping, and he cursed, slamming in to the knuckle.

“If I fuck you now,” he muttered at your jawline, “you’ll have to take all of me. Everything I give you.” He bit your neck, hard, forcing a cry from your lips. “I won’t be able to control myself.”

Heat scorched you, and you pulsed around him in anticipation, his fingers crooking in your wet core. Thunder grumbled in the distance. “Thought I’d long proved my capability.”

Kylo purred, and bit you again, pain shooting through you. “I haven’t been able to fuck you properly in over two weeks.” Last night hardly counted, you agreed. “I need to wreck your little cunt.” His thumb swiped fast over your swollen nub. “I’ll fuck you like Ben Solo never could.”

You shuddered, meeting his eyes. “Do your worst.”

Snarling, he leaned onto his knees, tore his fingers from your core and stuffed them in your mouth; you whinged in surprise, starting to suckle them clean. You were tart and tangy, your tongue slipping the length of his digits to swallow it all--Kylo’s free hand unleashed his dick, twitching eagerly despite its thick, heavy length. He jammed his hand to the back of your throat, and you gagged before he depressed your tongue, prying open your jaw.

“You know how this works.” He gazed at you, lightning an electric halo around him.  “Beg for it.”

When he released you, you gasped into the rain. “Please, fuck me.” 

Before you could blink, he slapped you, sending spit from your teeth. “No, slut,” he hissed. “I said beg.”

Your face burned--humiliation, shock, and most importantly: desire. If this is what he meant, you wanted more. “You’re not being very respectful of the dead.”

Kylo scowled and smacked you again, branding your cheek. He seized your scalp and jerked you toward him, his other hand stroking his dick. 

“Don’t make me wait any longer for your pussy,” he said. “Or I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll wish you were among them.”

Your head spun, dizzy with shame and longing--perhaps the same culprits responsible for your temporary insanity. “Then I might keep you waiting.”

Seething, he reeled back and cracked you with the back of his hand, pain blinding you, screaming in your ears. He jostled your head in his grip, waiting for your eyes to refocus--his face was red with impatient desire. 

“If you won’t beg for my cock,” he said, “then you’ll beg for mercy.”

A starving behemoth, he spun you around and slammed your face to the tomb--you heaved, buried in the vegetal scent of wet leaves, and behind you, Kylo was panting. He tossed your sopping excuse for a skirt up your back before wrestling with your hips until they were in the air, rain pelting your exposed ass and cunt. One hand fisted your hair, the other gathering your wrists behind your back, and without warning, he broke your core, cleaving it open with a sharp, unbelievable bliss, head hitting your cervix. You cried out, recoiling in pain, and he shook you in reprimand.

“Oh, no.” He drove his palm into your head, his nails scratching your scalp. “Don’t run from it.”

Kylo rammed into you, spearing you with his cock, your body quaking with the force of each of his violent thrusts. His breath was already ragged, furious groans pushed from his chest as he fucked deep into you. Your lungs were empty, finding oxygen in his onslaught, your walls squeezing his length in delight, your clit buzzing for attention, clamoring for the long-awaited sensation of cumming around him.

“Such--such a needy little cunt,” he growled.  “It missed this cock, didn’t it?” When you didn’t respond, he struck your skull on the stone. “Didn’t it?”

You keened in pain, face smashed on the tomb. “Yes!”

“I know.” He released your wrists, letting them drop limp, and reached under your belly, slick fingers rubbing merciless circles on the bundle of nerves in rhythm with his pistoning hips--you wailed, drooling with pleasure, assaulted with a sudden, immediate need to orgasm. “I know what you like--fuck, you’re so tight when you’re about to cum…” He groaned, punishing your pussy with hard, rapid thrusts. “Prove you can take it. Cum on this cock.”

Between the attention on your clit and the size of his dick, you snapped, convulsing and trembling while your blood flooded with flames, blazing heat through your thighs and to your toes. Behind you, Kylo hissed, fucking you through it, valiantly holding off his own orgasm as yours fizzed at your flesh. When your core’s pulsing slowed, he pulled out, flipping you onto your back, and you writhed underneath him.

He smacked your face, and you whined. “Don’t squirm.” Kylo shifted until he was standing and dragged you by your ankles to the edge of the grave. “I’m not done with that pussy yet.”

Propping your calves on his shoulders, he lunged forward, palm clamping down on your neck, his eyes wild, crazed with desire. His free hand pinched your cheeks, and he plunged in, jaw dropping in disbelief when he sheathed himself again in your wet heat. With a hiss, he stuffed you full before sliding back out and pounding your cunt, growling breath leaking from his lungs, his hold on your throat tightening. 

The pressure in your head only doubled the frenzy of being fucked--you wheezed, your pulse thumping in your temples, and this spurred him on, drilling you with a depraved stare as he plowed into your tight pussy again and again and again. The rain was steam on your skin, thunder a distant noise behind the sound of slapping skin and your strangled, whimpering moans. Your walls clenched and fluttered around his throbbing dick, sore clit twitching once more with a growing demand to be sated--Kylo grunted, tugging you closer. 

“Open.” 

Wincing, you did--and he spat into your mouth. 

“Swallow, bitch. Show me.”

Against his massive hand, it was difficult, but you managed with a grimace, popping your jaw apart to prove it, and Kylo smirked, rewarding you with painful, blissful strokes of his hips. He wracked your body to its limit, your breath lost ages ago, your heart flying through your veins, your ass sore from the dig of vines.  

“Poor thing,” he cooed. “I think you need to cum again.”

The hand at your cheeks snaked between your legs, flicking your aching clit, and you groaned--or tried to, anyway--the speed of your pulse resonating through the grip on your neck. He felt it, too, head bowing in pleasured shock as you thrummed around him, your oncoming climax massaging his thick cock with every new thrust. Resolute, he rubbed you faster, watching you--in his gaze, you saw nothing but an endless, ebony void of lust.

“Whose cock is inside you?”

The words croaked out. “Y-yours, Kylo.”

His choke tightened, and your vision whirled. “Who’s fucking you right now?”

 “You--you are, Kylo--”

“That’s right,” he sneered, and swirled your nub so quickly you squealed. “Cum.”

Your orgasm charged you, whiting your sight, and you screamed, throttled from his hand as every muscle below your waist contracted with an agonizing ecstasy. Your pussy milked and squeezed his cock, but he resisted his own climax once more, sinking into you until you descended, and shoved you back along his father’s grave. His dick dripped with your slick, and he was heaving, cheeks flush with exertion. He drank in the sight of you--cunt spread and abused, raindrops scattered like crystals on your skin, your throat and chest smothered with the evidence of his possession--before he pounced, a raving animal.

“You’re going to take all of me,” he muttered. “Every single fucking inch.”

Kylo pinned you to the stone, one arm coiling under you to fist your hair, the other cranking your leg back until your knee hit your stomach. He panted, wedging his hips between yours, his cock throbbing as he positioned it at your pleading core--baring his teeth, he slipped in, your pussy so wet and ready that it swallowed him with ease. Groaning with pleasure, he hammered into you, stretching you wide, filling you to the root. Locks of hair slid into his eyes, and he tossed them back, wetting his lips and fucking you deep, trapping you in his feral gaze. 

“You want me.” He popped your head back as a prompt. “You want all of me.”

You nodded, despite it. “Yes--oh--I do.”

He swallowed, leaning into you, pressing his forehead to yours. “After all of it,” he said, barely a whisper, “after everything.” 

Your chin trembled, his admission about his parents piercing your heart, swelling it in anguish. In the setting of his hopeless rejection, his savagery, his apathy, his hollow rage--none of it mattered, not to you. And you knew, just as he would never know a woman more willing to hold his soul without still wanting, you would never find another man like Kylo Ren. And there would never be anyone you would want more desperately, or reluctantly, than him.

“Yes.” You wrapped your arms around him, safe when lightning crashed, rocking your hips in his pace. “No matter what.”

“Fuck.” He wound your hair in his fist, and wrenched your head back, tearing at your throat with his teeth, harsh thrusts pulverizing your cunt. “Fucking whore… I’m--fuck--I’m going to make you break again.” His hand left your leg, long fingers back to stroking your tender clit. “And then I’m going to fill you up with my cum.”

Senses barraged, you shrieked, overwhelmed and oversensitive. He was right. You wanted mercy. “Kylo--fuck--please!”

“No. Take it,” he snarled into your ear. “Take it.”

He assailed your nub, and you quailed, curling around him, shaking from his power, lids shut while he nipped your neck, demolished your pussy, panted hard into your ear. It was all too much, too great, brain crashing into a wanton mess. You spasmed, biting your lip, hauled through sensitivity and into a new plane of pleasure, rapture singeing your skin, and you gasped, choked, begged in babbling nonsense for release, for him to send you soaring and screaming and cumming. 

“Perfect,” Kylo moaned, pumping into you, folding you into his frame. “Make yourself mine. Cum for me. Cum for me, angel.”

Your mind split--euphoria and disbelief--and you imploded, twitching, your climax shining lucent through your skin, shattering your sanity, igniting Kylo, too. He groaned, grunted, burying himself to the hilt, warm cock pulsing as he poured hot cum deep into your cunt. 

Had not known how you’d gotten there, you might have thought you’d joined the residents of the cemetery, your spirit buoyant above you for long, witless moments, until it returned to you, floating back in a daze. When you arrived to Earth, you realized Kylo was arriving too, kissing your cheek, holding you close, the both of you fighting to regulate your breath. When you’d both relaxed, he slipped out, leaned back on his heels, revealing you to the trickling rain.

You stared at him, head heavy, attempting to comprehend what he’d called you--angel--attempting to catalogue every minute of this encounter into whatever part of your memory would carve it in permanency. Sighing, you smiled at him, joy bubbling in your chest, but he only gazed at you, affection twinkling--then guttering in his eyes. He absently thumbed your chin before he tucked himself away, and you followed suit, trying to piece together what little was left intact of your clothing. Not that it mattered, as it was all completely drenched with rain. You felt like a paper bag that had been left in a swamp.

Having finished, you looked to your Commander, who was standing at the head of the gravesite. Waiting.

Blushing, you trotted to meet him--when he turned to lead, you reached out.

“Wait.”

Kylo stopped, glanced back. Between you, you felt it again--fate, kismet, serendipity, destiny--whatever it was called, it was something that you could see, the frame of your future like an open door for you to peer inside. Beyond the threshold, the vision was luminous and distinct, a sunray lancing Gilead’s storm: You and Kylo Ren. Together, and safe, and free. 

You didn’t know how you’d get there. You only knew that for the first time, you’d understood exactly what he’d meant. 

“What if we…” You shrugged, as if what you were about to say was no big deal. “No one knows we’re here. No one has to know where we went.” Watching him, you stepped closer. “What if we leave? We can figure it out, we can get help from the Resistance,” you said. “What if we just... go?”

The sky screeched above you--the storm was close, almost right overhead, and a torrent of rain gushed from the clouds. Kylo stared, inscrutable, studying you piece by piece, an inspection of your sincerity, brow furrowing. Then his lips pinched together, his eye twitched. He stepped toward you--

Pop.

At first, you’d thought it was thunder--and when the pain hit, you’d thought it’d been lightning, instead. But then you glanced at your arm, scrutinizing the source, and found only frayed fabric, burnt thread, and a gash of bright, red blood. You blinked, adrenaline crashing into you like a freight plane.

“Oh,” you mumbled, fuzzing gaze drifting to Kylo. “I think I’ve been shot.”

[poisonedsimmer-inactive]

adkjasghdgh Thanks for the tag Sai! Okies let’s see now, lemme try and do this and not sound super weird or boring lmfao XD

rules: tag people you would like to know/catch up with! last song: A Grave Mistake by Ice Nine Kills (a song about my fav movie of all time?! Hells yes, gimme!) last movie: Jurassic World (though technically I didn’t exactly watch it since the paramedics were here checking on my partner, so in that case it would actually be Hereditary.) currently watching: Right this second, a True Crime youtube channel but if we’re talking actual tv/whatever, very soon about to watch more Naruto Shippuden, again. (This one was expected given my recent sim obsession right? lol) currently reading: Blue Lily, Lily Blue (The Raven Cycle book 3) by Maggie Stiefvater currently craving: Chimichangas!

tagging: I love being tagged for things and I wanna tag people but at the same time I worry I’m bothering them so um if you see this and wanna do it consider yourself tagged! 💗 but also @lazysunjade @void-imp @starfruits-world in case y’all haven’t done this and wanna. Hope you don’t mind!

[phantomqueen]

hi. its book post time

i actually have nothing book-related to post LMFAO im still technically rereading the raven cycle (now working on raven king) but i have No Thoughts bc lately i’ve only been reading when im half out of my mind at 3am from insomnia. i guess One Thought is that i still love henry cheng ! i will not elaborate i just think he’s neat and also i like the concept of blue & gansey making other friends. adam & ronan are perfect being bitches who dont care though i mean would i fight them for being rude to henry? maybe but also i would lose 

[goldfishh]

thirty questions that actually aren't exactly thirty questions: tag game!

tagged by: @windymoor thank u raven <333

rules: answer 30 questions and tag some blogs you want to know better

I’m tagging: @horrorgay @virginalbehemoth @credentiast asjsskskdkk if yall want! + ofc anyone who sees this and wants to tag their own ppl

name/nickname: fiona

gender: f

star sign: libra 😞

height: 5′1″ short king

time: 10:49 PM

birthday: questions that get ur identity stolen. it’s oct 10

favorite bands: i had to go browse spotify for this lmao i guess i dont follow a lot of bands. i have a LOT of the family crest and oh wonder on my playlists. every few months i’ll put my two fave fall out boy albums on repeat

favorite solo artists: fjfhwjfwklwjk i am also pop indie basic but like BASIC basic. taylor swift hozier lorde.......joji..........i can’t even claim mitski bc i only started listening to her bc of the strawberry blonde amv

song stuck in my head: before your father hears us by the family crest. it’s about the orchestral vibes

last film: technically it’s fantastic mr fox which was an excellent movie. however i want to talk about vanessa hudgens’ netflix xmas movie the princess switch 2 because as ridiculous as the plot is i DO think that the movie is remarkably emotionally coherent and characters get developed well. in this essay i will

last series: i stopped four episodes into bridgerton because it DIDN’T feel emotionally coherent and characters didn’t get developed well 😞 orchestral versions of pop songs DID hit though

when did i create this blog: 2013................i was but a mere baby

what do i post: supernatural. i mean before it was just whatever i’d watched recently that i could find gifsets for on tumblr and i wasn’t posting at all but now it’s. it’s supernatural. 

last thing googled: “sad emoji” so i could copy paste it into this post LMFAO

other blogs: i have a side blog @atlascas that i was using to clear out my likes/archive the anime posting that i didn’t want going to my main LMAOOO but now it’s just an spn sideblog

do i get asks: nope. i have flown SO under the radar on here

why i chose my url: wanted a url that i didn’t have to change every time i got into a new interest lmao. goldfishh was satisfyingly pretty and generic

following: i do have my follow list open on mobile lmfao. it’s just so i could enable a blogroll on desktop bc i thought it looked cool. idk like 150 or so blogs

followers: ;)

average hours of sleep: finals FUCKED with me i was sleeping at like 7am and waking at either 12 or 1 or 3pm. but now im home so im trying to adjust to 8hrs again

lucky number: 10 is where its at

instruments: was conscripted into playing flute and piano as a young child as all good chinese children are. neither stuck

what am i wearing: sweater and jeans and cat socks that my sister got me for xmas

dream job: i dont dream of labor but when i do i dream of being a portrait artist

dream trip: me and my friends have been talking abt a cross-country road trip for yearssss east coast to west coast baby!

nationality: american

favourite song: right now its honey + tea by mozi

last book read: kurt vonnegut slaughterhouse five. i havent finished yet. yes i checked it out because of dean shut up

top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: i dont usually fantasize abt living elsewhere. gotta echo raven and say hobbit hole in middle earth. or a peaceful animated universe like hilda (is that just sweden?? i dont know).

[vaellinn]

finally getting around to this tag!! thank you : @foxingfae

1. Do you make your bed? I make it right before I go to sleep so it’s only made for like 30 seconds lmao

2. Favourite number? 8

3. Your job? I work for a financial advisor

4. If you could, would you go back to school? hmm like part time maybe to study things I find interesting... or if I could make more money :)

5. Can you parallel park? technically yes but I never do

6. A job you had which would surprise people? I worked at a & w?? idk if that’s surprising tho

7. Are aliens real? probably

8. Can you drive a manual car? definitely not

9. Your guilty pleasure? hmm probably buying books and not reading them. Alternatively terrible video games and terrible movies and shows :)

10. Tattoos? I have a wolf head that everyone thinks is a werewolf and a raven :) i love both and i want to get a dragon bc i’m That Person

11. Favourite colour? red

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? I hate when people are needlessly loud and entitled and are rude to service workers

13. Any phobias? uhhhh just generally being alive i guess lmfao. also moths, june bugs, and those big ass male mosquitos

14. Favourite childhood sport? i hated sports, my parents made me play softball, soccer, and track and field in school tho. (i was bad at all of them lmfao)

15. Do you talk to yourself? when I’m confused or working on something like, “where the fuck did I put...?”

16. What movie(s) do you adore? ouuuu: wall-e, mad max fury road, pirates of the caribbean, princess mononoke, lawless, so many others haha

17. Do you like doing puzzles? i am very bad at puzzles so no

18. Favourite kind of music? i like mostly pop music, either pop/punk, pop/rap, etc. etc. some acoustic, rock, etc. etc. basically if it was popular when i was an emo kid in middle/high school? i love it. pussycat dolls, blink 182, rihanna, billy talent, marianas trench, three days grace, the classic groups u kno?

19. Tea or coffee? hot chocolate lmfao

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? lawyer (lol)

I tag: @mvlkin :)