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#terrified that she doesn’t actually like me
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When Aki and Kirijo walk in together, the first stupid, incongruous thought Shinjiro has is to wonder if they’ve finally stopped dancing around each other. He’s aghast at himself. Their almost theatrical levels of obliviousness and his interest– and the dubious ulterior motives behind it– in their two-person soap opera could not possibly be more irrelevant at the moment. 
Especially considering the serious expression on Kirijo’s face. It’s probably going to be all business today. He’d already known exactly what would be up for discussion, but he’d be lying if he said he isn’t a little nervous to talk about all of this. Somehow the idea of ‘maybe something can fix me’ moving from pipe-dream hypotheticals into the realm of actual possibility is pretty intimidating. Beyond intimidating– it’s downright terrifying, if he’s completely honest.
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Yep, straight to business, just like he thought. No song and dance of social niceties to draw things out. Small mercies.
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She looks guilty, like she’s asking him to be a human guinea pig just for the hell of it. As though she’s not also offering him the chance to save the life he suddenly cares about again. 
Shinjiro can’t say he minds being a test subject all that much, anyway. It’d make his life worth something, at least.
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Aki’s face pinches up like he’s bitten into a lemon.
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Aki looks like he has a thing or three to say about that, but Kirijo cuts him off before he can start chastising him.
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Shinjiro has the feeling that he’s not going to like whatever Kirijo is going to say next. He doesn’t respond– no need to let something slip trying to head her off and wind up in an even more cramped corner than the one he’s already backed into. He just stares levelly at her until she continues.
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Shinjiro frowns and looks away. Figures she would pick up on that.
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Shinjiro sighs. She’s still too damn perceptive for her own good. Or his. He really should know better than to think she’d ever miss a trick, especially one he really wishes she would.
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canineabis · 1 year
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made it home. we stayed up the entire night! it didn’t even feel like it, the warm yellow replaced the deep dark of indigo in a matter of seconds. morning bled into noon and we dozed off, but eventually i knew i wanted to leave.
part of it was the physical distance was driving me crazy. i wanted to be closer to her, to cuddle and feel the pulse of internal clockwork that keeps her here with me (fuck im so thankful she’s here with me) but i get the sense we both need slow right now. i appreciate just being in the “well i have a crush on you too!” phase and i’m in no rush.
i guess i just have the certainty now that i want her to be my girlfriend and i hope she wants me to be her boyfriend.
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thepromisedbride · 4 months
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i don’t talk about bridgerton on here but just to clarify. i will not be having ANY eloise hate on this account. i will bite.
#eloise bridgerton they could never make me hate you!!#addressing the normal talking points one by one to get them sorted:#- ​no i don’t care that eloise called pen some names after the discovery. she was devastated and furious.#she can apologise in the future but in the moment of course she said it#- ​yes pen did write about eloise as a way to save her but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t possibly ruined eloise’s life#- similarly: eloise isn’t (just) angry that she was written about. daphne also went through whistledown and it very much terrified her#so have many other women including marina#- eloise is betrayed because she told pen everything and is realising pen told her nothing#(and she’s probably thinking about any secrets she might have said to her best friend that could now be used against the ton and her family)#- as claudio said: being regency gossip girl isnt a moral girlboss thing its deeply harmful tbh#- ​pen did have reasons to become whistledown! that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent or right!#- eloise isnt now friends with cressida to spite pen lmao she’s alone and scared and cressida was the last person who offered her friendship#she has no idea how to manage society by herself#(and she needs someone to improve the reputation of her and her family)#- im also convinced she has other ulterior motives for befriending cressida. like she’s keeping an eye on her or smth#- eloise didn’t just ignore anything pen said and that’s why she only just figured it out. pen deliberately didn’t speak like lw to hide it#the moment she did eloise was like huh that’s weird she doesn’t normally talk like that. and THATS when she figured it out#- eloise just found out her best friend has betrayed her and been hiding this massive secret#but she hasn’t told anyone. not even her own family. im not hearing out any accusations of HER of being disloyal#- also pen clearly wasn’t that upset at writing about eloise bc the moment eloise and colin upset her she went straight back to it lmao#side note but no i don’t think the queen is going to name her the ‘emerald’ or anything because she’s suddenly in the spotlight#eloise is tbh the only debutante she actually consistently recognised (for good or bad)#a new dress is not going to be interesting for charlotte to change her whole tradition#tl;dr i love eloise and i will die on this hill#eloise bridgerton#bridgerton
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alluralater · 4 months
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hey everyone, i won’t be as active for a while. got home last night super late after being on the road for 20 some odd hours. dealing with some family things and as an older sister, my priority of taking care of my siblings comes first before anything else. being on here is amazing for me but i don’t think i’ll have much time for it. reminder to please treat those in your life who are battling addiction with patience and care. i lost my older brother (sweetest person i’ve ever known and he remained that way up until his last night) to suicide and alcoholism, trauma and ptsd, depression and his feelings of hopelessness. talk with the people you care about. another of my siblings is dealing with the same and i refuse to let it escalate to such a terrifying end twice in less than a fucking year. remind the people you care about that there are beautiful things to live for. show them kindness and love. there is all kinds of misinformation out there but know this, you can make a difference for someone. don’t let them suffer in silence.
#if you have me on snap then you saw the super gorgeous views and such on my way to idaho but what you did not see was me picking#up my little sister. propping her body up with pillows in a hotel room to make sure she didn’t aspirate on her own vomit in her sleep.#pouring out her water bottle of white claw and talking to her about drug use.#i never make her feel as though she has disappointed me or that she should feel ashamed. shame helps nothing. love helps everything.#i’m going to get her back into treatment soon- i just need her to know she has a home when she’s out. detoxing here first and being#positively reinforced for every single step of the process is so fucking important. it was terrifying to learn that if i had not gone to ge#her when i did that she probably would have died there in the next few weeks.#my fear of death for her is not what guides me though and there’s a huge difference between that and doing something out of love. being#there in dire moments is important yes- but being there through the mundanity of recovery is JUST as vital. it’s a process and it’s hard.#she’s moving in with me for awhile so i can help her through this sensitive time in her recovery.#she’s trying so hard and being recognized for that has literally been making her sob. knowing she has people who truly care for her is#everything. now that my stepdad is away from her like across the country i can actually finally help her. she’s starting to understand and#without me saying anything- she is starting to see what he’s done to her and our family. she needs love and support and stability. she need#reasons to live. sorry im kinda rambling a lot in these tags but i just… i can’t lose another one. the love i carry for my siblings is#unlike any other. i’ve treated them like my children since i was a child and those are my own issues but our mother is gone now too so it i#up to me.#losing my brother last september and my mom the year before that- grief has just been back to back.#in the hotel room i couldn’t sleep. she fell asleep so quickly and all i could do was watch her and think about all of the things i want to#do to make her feel like her life has value and worth enough to stay here and not go. my little sister is forever four years old in my mind#yes she’s an adult of 23 but she is a baby to me. she’s so young and she has so much ahead of her. she deserves a happy and fulfilled life.#our lives have been… very hard. 4 out of 5 of us are still standing and i plan on keeping it that way.#this is not the pain olympics or whatever but listen- if i put an adult in any of the situations we were in as children they would not#survive. we only did because there was no other choice. now there are escapes and we are old enough to try them all- every single one of us#has searched for some escape. it spirals and escalates and it doesn’t help but it is an escape. giving her love and affection and getting#her the help she needs and doing it the RIGHT way- it lessens the need for escape. there is nothing wrong with being an addict.#addiction ends one of two ways. life or death. unfortunately there is no in between. she’s going to feel everything- bad and good. i want#her to know there is so much good. that she is good. every move i make right now matters so i don’t think i’ll have time for tumblr or#much socializing.#just a heads up yk. thank you for your patience in advance <3
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arolesbianism · 1 month
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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foxgloveinspace · 6 months
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I did what I always do when I get this storm anxiety and I watched goofy videos and reels all day and today ha get like three days and also I’m just so so so stressed about tomorrow night cause my whole family is gonna be split up around the county and I’m so so…. Not ok.
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algolagniaa · 8 months
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I like her so much you guys the obsession is officially started
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x-ladydisdain-x · 2 years
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watching my little sister become a victim of society like how did I let this happen I’m so sorry
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distantwave · 2 years
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#just reread all of our texts from when everything went down bc I felt like being in a bad mood evidently but#god it pisses me off to no end how she fucking handled everything. like I know it’s obvious she was going through something and just#using me as an outlet or something and projecting things onto me but still. fucking DAMN dude what WAS that#looking back I do actually think I handled it literally as best as I could’ve. but shit still sucks dude! I hate that this is how it went!!#reading my pleas to talk to her in person followed up a week later with .I’m going to rip the bandaid off since u brushed over everything#MOTHER FUCKER YOU DIDNT EVEN GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO BRUSH IT OFF YOU WOUDKNT SPEAK TO ME!!! FUCK!!#had talked to my therapist at the time about it a tad but the fact that this event has happened multiple times has majorly fucked with me#had asked her what I’m doing that people consistently refuse to talk to me about things until it boils over and our relationship ends#abruptly and violently every time. I mean EVERY time!! this is the third time it’s happened!! obviously I’m doing something!!#and I’m so scared of it ever happening again. this was definitely the worst it’s ever been but I can’t go through that again I can’t I cant#I love the friends I have now so so so dearly they are such amazing people and I don’t think they would do something like that to me#and it would be cruel of me to think they would even be capable of it either#but it really seems like there is some part of me that is so overwhelmingly unbearable that given enough time I have the capability to just#push people over the edge. and I don’t know what to change about myself to ensure it doesn’t happen bc I don’t know why it happens#and I’m constantly terrified of losing them but I don’t want to be overbearing or like? manipulative or some shit and constantly ask for#reassurance bc that seems like it would get old fast#but also there are things I want/need to talk to like. someone about and idk if I need to just save it for a therapist and not bring it up#otherwise bc it’s. like heavy stuff I guess. and it had felt good to be able to talk about things with just a friend previously but I know#the fact that I did that played a part in what happened. but I really need to talk to someone about any of it#and I don’t know how to do so without just spewing everything out at once and just completely overstepping boundaries I guess#and I hate that she’s the only one who knows everything. there are so many things that took me so long to open up to people about and she’s#the only person who knows EVERYTHING. and it’s unbearable. it actually is. I don’t know how to start over. in a way that’s healthy for#eveyone involved. but I know it’s also bad to keep everything from people#idk when reading her texts she kept bringing up that it felt like I never trusted her or let her do anything for me. and I see where she#was coming from. but at the same time I thought I leaned on her so much. I guess I’m realizing I’ve never actually had a healthy#friendship/relationship that’s lasted before. that’s really fucking sad lmao. I’m genuinely a shitty person a bit I think#euuugghhhh okay enough is enough I guess
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dreamertrilogys · 2 years
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i’m so fucking tired (physically but also emotionally/mentally) like i don’t even feel like a person rn
#i still have to finish my diary entry for yesterday + i have to do one for today bc once again my life has been insane and like. AUGH#i don’t have the energy to do that right now tho so tmrw night it is i suppose. anyway ummm. i still genuinely truly deeply have no idea#what the fuck i’m supposed to do about the dani (possibly my girlfriend???) situation like i cannot deal with this#like if she just wanted to casual date or whatever i might be fine with it but no she like ACTUALLY likes me and it’s fucking terrifying#and like. oh my god. ok so there’s this new app or whatever idk i hate it but point is you get lame ass questions like who’s the hottest#person or whatever and you have to pick out of the 4 randomized ppl from ur school it gives you#<- like when you download it you pick ur school and then it suggests you people only from ur school yknow. anyway she showed me some of the#ones ppl picked her for (it doesn’t tell you who picked you for what it just says their grade and gender) and anyway what i’m trying to get#at here is that in english class (while we were sitting super close together thighs touching and all) she showed me and one of the ones#someone picked her for was most likely to marry their high school sweetheart and she kinda looked at me and was like hopefully!#and uhhhh. obviously nobody’s talking about fucking MARRIAGE rn and she’s dated plenty of people in high school but STILL#and like. as i’ve said before i genuinely can’t see myself with her in the future and going into a relationship knowing it’ll end just feel#so fucking mean and like a waste of everyone’s time. except i don’t even know if i feel that way anymore or i’m just telling myself that bc#i’m scared of commitment or whatever#fuck!!!!#and of course there’s still my friend (diff person not dani) who i’m genuinely in love with like it’s actually so fucking bad#like i need to **** *** ** ******* *** *** *** **** *****#.txt#fake ex gf#crushposting#this is just a word for word repeat of my last 3 posts on this topic but anyway. the thing is if you asked me to choose between them (crush#and girl who likes me who i also kind of like) i’d pick my friend/crush like it wouldn’t even be that hard of a choice. but there is no#friend vs dani there’s only dani asking me out and like. ughhhhh#i can’t deal with this!!!!!!!!!!#gf
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retrogradedreaming · 2 years
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Accidentally came out as trans to my mum today with a coffee cup and she said she liked my name 😭
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milkpansa-archive · 1 year
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exopelagic · 4 months
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ‘reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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yaminerua · 5 months
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It’s sinking in miserably that the home I want to return to I’ll probably never get to set foot in again.
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just-rogi · 6 months
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moonlight-fawn · 7 months
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so I got offered the job and of course the first things my dad says “when are you going back to school” “people there are dangerous” and “you can’t make a career or live like this” 😀😀😀😀
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