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thatferalbogdruid · 7 months

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Grimoire Blog #2 - 10/16/23 @ 10:09am

_connecting with deities via tarot_

Since I'm thinking of inviting more deities into my craft, I decided to reach out. I did this, and quickly realized it was probably best to start by reaching out to the figures I currently have established relationships with.

I've been disconnected as of late, you see. Life has been wild, I fell into cycles of not taking care of myself or my craft. My altar gathered dust, and I don't recall doing much of any spiritual work aside from occasionally meditating, and acknowledging my deities every morning and night when I took my chest altar necklaces on and off for the day. I also pray, not every day, but I do talk to them often!

However, I can tell that I've been neglecting those connections to a degree. Now I've moved house, I have my own space, and I have many plans to get back on track! But first, the readings.

I asked An Mórrígan, Queen Helja, and Venus Verticordia if they had any messages to show me. The results are as follows:

_An Mórrígan_

King of Pentacles | King of Wands (Rx) | Knight of Pentacles

The Great Queen has always had a large hand in helping me learn to advocate for myself. I feel as if that's a huge focus for me in this current stage of life. I am looking towards the King of Pentacles. The imagery on the card is a view looking up to a large bear standing atop a rocky cliff. From my angle, he is above me, a goal to clarify and work towards.

That being said, this will not happen overnight. The King of Wands in reverse suggests that I am desperate to reach my goals, but am setting unrealistic expectations for myself. An Mórrígan has been through quite a few lulls in my spirituality, still at my side. She's telling me to cool it, breathe, take it one step at a time, or else I'll find myself stumbling over myself and missing my mark. The building blocks will take time, I can't be so hard on myself.

The Knight of Pentacles feels like where I am now. I've come far, but the only way to continue is with steadiness and repetition. Maybe this is suggesting incorporating more regular practices into my everyday life. I can find small things to start to change my path. There are things I want to do that I am not working towards as actively as I could be. I can achieve them and get to that King of Pentacles energy with the persistence of this card's archetype.

_Queen Helja_

The Hierophant (Rx) | 6 of Cups

It's interesting that I've pulled the Hierophant in reverse because before, I pulled him in the upright position. That was before my Druid studies had begun, so maybe I've achieved something in that sense. I am working on learning my framework, finding a frame of reference, all of that good jazz. But I believe Hel wants me to start breaking out of the molds, establishing my own practices. I can take wisdom from all of the things I'm studying, but now how do I apply them to myself? What works best for me? How can I embrace the uniqueness of my craft and my self?

In terms of personal healing, I've felt the push to let go, and I think the 6 of Cups is telling me just that. I have recovered lost memories in the past year, I've ached over my past and the things that have happened to me, but those things are stale now. They have already happened, they're dead for all intents and purposes, it is time to bury them and continue on living.

_Venus Verticordia_

7 of Cups (Rx) | 10 of Cups | 8 of Wands

I must face reality head on. Venus knows my heart's desires, but there are things meant to be left alone in favor of growth at this time in my life. There are many clouds I'm caught in now, and I think she's asking me to plant my feet in the ground and make real moves. The fog will not serve me any longer.

With that effort, the 10 of Cups I dream of is just around the corner! All of the beautiful things I long for are there, I just have other things to focus on until I achieve it. There is work to put in to garner these rewards.

With the effort I put in, things will begin to speed up. That does not mean I'll be sprinting, though. Instead of viewing it as a race, where I must sprint to keep up with the wind, I should sit and work diligently as I wait for the wind to carry me swiftly into my next phase of life. I am well on my way!

𓆱⸙͎꩜ /|\ ꩜⸙͎𓆱

Now I do want to reconnect with Apollo, and try my hand at reaching out to Cernunnos. I tried before the above readings but felt as if my goddesses wanted to talk to me first, and were blocking the connection to make sure I did LOL

I briefly worked with Apollo in 2020, I initially mistook Hel's presence for his as they have appeared to me similarly in dreams -- mostly just that Hel's light hair looked blonde to me. Back then I was grasping at straws, but did find a genuine connection with him that I never truly let go. I struggle working with masculine gods, but I think I'm ready now.

Cernunnos has always intrigued me as a figure. Alongside my hesitancy to work with masculine gods, I also was wary since I saw so many Wiccans work with his archetype when that was not and still isn't the path I follow. I think I've worked through some of the stereotypes I've held against him now, and since I already call to the Wild, I do want to call to him.

The readings are as follows:

_Father Apollo_

The Chariot | 7 of Pentacles | 5 of Swords

I believe with the first two cards, Apollo is telling me that I will have to put the work in. Especially with the lull in our connection before, he wants to see me put out the effort and make it happen. I'll dedicate my music practice to him, and continue working hard on my goals. As well as focusing on my health, and dedicating that to him as well.

I have tears in my eyes reflecting on the 7 of Pentacles, a promise of my hard work paying off, as long as I continue working.

Now the 5 of Swords is telling me not to push too hard, lest I want to harm myself or others on the way to my goals. This is about persistence, and slow and steady growth. This card is warning me not to go too far. I believe this is also a push to advocate for myself, while still finding a balance between self-preservation and selfishness. This is an ongoing lesson.

I will plan an offering to Apollo following this reading ₊˚⊹

_Cernunnos_

The Tower (Rx) | 5 of Cups (Rx) | 2 of Wands | The Lovers

I find it funny that I feel the call of Cernunnos as I'm watching the end of a Tower moment, I think he's pointing it out too. I believe he's here in this time of recovery, to be by my side in fostering the Star that directly follows the Tower in the Major Arcana sequence. On my Tower card, there is a volcano erupting instead of a traditional tower-like structure. Since it's in reverse, the smoke and destruction is travelling downward, maybe now it's time to climb up.

This being directly followed up by a reversed 5 of Cups confirms this feeling for me. It is time to leave things behind me, echoing Hel's earlier message.

With the 2 of Wands, I believe Cernunnos is here to help me tend my sparks into flames. He's showing my natural next steps, leading me further into the Wilds of self and my surroundings, so that I can learn there and continue on.

The Lovers in this placement feels as if he's been waiting for me! I'm excited to begin this journey with him beside me!

I will also plan an offering to Cernunnos after this reading, so we may officially start our workings ₊˚⊹

𓆱⸙͎꩜ /|\ ꩜⸙͎𓆱

Overall, I feel excited for the future! I think I'll continue to take care of myself, set up my new room at my new house, create altars for all of my deities, make myself a safe space. I'll work on eating better food and making better decisions with my body -- including to quit smoking. I'll search for small ways to incorporate my practice daily, even when I have little time and energy. I think I'll spend more time outdoors.

I'll continue to invest time and energy into my creative practices too! Honing my skills and working to make them into what I want them to be.

And I will face what plagues me. Who do I want to be? And how do I become that person? What's holding me back? What am I holding onto? I'll continue to reflect on this during this phase of my life.

With love and excitement for the future,

~ Willow ~

#tfbd grimoire #tarot #readings #deities #an morrigan #the morrigan #hel #helja #venus #apollo #cernunnos

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thatferalbogdruid · 7 months

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Grimoire Blog #1 - 10/13/23 @ 6:33am, Friday

_my thoughts on gods and doubt_

This definitely won't be comprehensive, just me starting a little blog journal of my thoughts. This topic is one that's very present for me now that I'm in my own space with time to think, and quite honestly is on my mind a lot, so I'm starting here. As I always feel a bit lost on the gods front.

Since I grew up in a cult-ish environment with an oppressive god that I tried so hard to believe in, I think it'll always be hard to wrap my head around deity work. I'm aware of this, and know that's my own road block to face. I absolutely love to hear other pagans speak about their super personified relationships with their deities! I think sometimes I try to mirror that in my speech too, but it's never really resonated for me.

For me, my relationships with the beyond have fallen past words, at least now that I've connected to what I feel are their sources instead of their ideas. Before I even started deity work, when I first started my path, I wanted to be a secular witch, because I was so far traumatized by the idea of having a "god." But then I "felt" them, and got curious. Then I started having dreams that eventually led to my meeting An Mórrígan, Helja, Venus, and who I call 'the Wilds,' over a span of many years. Through many of the dreams, things were impressed upon me that surpassed any human language I know of. But even just writing that out makes me feel kind of insane.

Maybe I'm gaslighting myself? I am quite the skeptic! But at my core, I do believe there's more than the physical world in front of me. Maybe I'm fucking off my rocker -- and I am, I don't put that past myself -- but I still haven't found the balance here for myself. I don't know how to fully incorporate this belief into my practice in a way that feels solid and consistent because I continue to have these doubts.

I'm also, completely open to the idea that it's something like a placebo. Maybe the gods that have chosen me are just personifications of different facets of myself. Maybe it's all just psychological and I find myself drawn to archetypes that help me better myself. Maybe I'm giving an old name to concepts and physical aspects of the world so that they're easier to digest and incorporate. Like if I were to honor a sun god, I would simply be acknowledging that the sun exists, and giving it reverence. But does that reference really beg for me to name it? Why do I feel the need to name them? Because I often don't, that's why I ended up working with 'the Wilds,' because there is still something incredibly formless that sits beside my soul and helps me grow and break out of the confines I was steeped in in my youth and adolescence.

I guess the point of this entire blog is that I don't know who the gods are to me or how they fit into the fold of my perception of reality. To what degree am I leaning too far into "magical thinking" and losing touch with reality? As someone who's experienced an episode of minor psychosis, I'm scared to slip too far out of reality, and scared that my spirituality doesn't help. However, my spirituality is very important to me, and I don't see the harm in looking at life through a metaphysical lens. But then, I was never allowed to know a scientific reality in my youth, so am I still avoiding it? Where do these things mesh?

Maybe I just don't have it figured out. That's fine with me, because I know I never will in full. But I do want to find some explanation for myself as to why these things are hard for me to conceptualize. And maybe I don't need an explanation either, but I almost feel like I need a solid defense for myself, especially living in the South, where people get very in-your-face about religious beliefs. Hell, the reason I still lovingly cling to the term "Heathen" even when I've started following the Druid path more exclusively is because it's been used against me in a derogatory sense multiple times before, even by my own family (shocker, lol).

For now, I will still wake up and call out to Anmórheljave, and call to them before I sleep. I will still stand in the rain and call to the Wilds and ask them to stay with me. I will still talk to all of them through my days like a revered friend with more wisdom and experience than me. I will still set up altar spaces for them when I'm finally settled into my new house. I will still offer what I can to them. I will still request their aid. I will still love them.

And one way or another, I'll find the other side of these doubts. I can't wait for that day to come.

~ Willow ~

#tfbd grimoire #tfbd posting #anmorheljave #deity work #pagan #paganblr #deities #druid #druidry #feral druidry

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