#thats what u get for being an absent father

[anachronistic-falsehood]

i'm having ideas for like a qsmp character roleswap and how that would effect the story. like we switch the backstories and canon events of some characters and see what it does. pac and cellbit swap, mike and bagi swap, felps and forever, bad and phil, roier and fit, and tina and tubbo maybe??? or tubbo and niki??? idk those are the only ideas i have right now but i am rotating this potential au in my mind so hard. imagine kid pac running away from the island and ending up in a war with philza minecraft. cellbit and bagi living together in an orphanage before turning to robbery as a means for money. roier from an anarchist wasteland and fit with no memory of why he's here. ofc spiderbit still speedrun their wedding and fitpac still exist in the most agonizing slowburn ever except now cellbit is in a spiral of panic, roier is being recruited by the resistance, fit is depressed and emo, and pac is eating people <3

[hermanunworthy]

!DNDADS S2 EP45 SPOILERS!

WE ARE SO BACK (im going to die)

- so i have been informed that we have a NEW HERMIE FACT THIS EP??? so i have been SICK TO MY STOMACH WONDERING WHAT ITS GONNA BE. I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO GET ANOTHER

- OH THE INTRO GUY IS THE FUCKING. THE PODCAST GUY WHO CALLED TAYLOR A SLUR AGKDJD

- THE CHAOS ORBS BIT HAS ME GIGGLING

- THESE RAD FACTS ARE A MESS HELPP

- NOT FREDDIE IMMEDIATELY FACT CHECKING BETH

- I.

- I?????

- THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

- OH THAT IS SO

- OH MY GOD IM GONNA DIE

- I ASKED FOR HERMIES LORE AND I GOT IT. ITS JUST NOTHING. THERE IS NO REAL LORE

- THAT WAS SO FUCKING EVIL IM DONE BRO

- kills myself

- i havent even continued to the actual episode yet im just so shocked and upset by this. scam u evil mf i love u but why

- BACK IN EP34 HERMIE LITERALLY DESCRIBED SCAM AS "THE MAN WHO STOLE MY CHILDHOOD". yknow maybe a little murder IS deserved /hj

- finally unpausing. im a ghost now im dead

- TERRY AND GLENN. TERRY AND GLENN

- TERRY WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT NICK??? OR IS HE JUST SAYING THAT

- SCARY SPEAKING TO TERRY AAAUAGAHHH

- WHY IS YHIS FIGHT SO PATHETIC LMAOO THERE WAS SM HYPE FOR IT BEFORE

- I FORGOT THERE WAS GONNA BE A RON AND TERRY REUNION TOO OH GOD. OH GOD

- NORMAL. OH GOD

- HE WAS CRYING A BUNCH DONT DO THIS TO ME

- TERRY AND SCARY IM GONNA DIE

- "maybe it was just a phase" HOLY SHIT THATS BIG

- RON DESCRIBING NICKYS RELATIONSHIP W THE KIDDADS AS "ENEMIES TO LOVERS"

- SO RON WAS THERE AT THE NICKY BETRAYAL???

- THE GUN WAS GLOWING BLUE

- FREDDIE BEING NICKYS BIGGEST FAN 😢😢 YEAH U GO AND SUPPORT UR SONDAD

- TERRY SHOOTING NICKY TO SAVE GRANT. AND THEN LATER GRANT SHOOTING TERRY IN FRONT OF NICKY. WHY.

- TERRY AND SCARY HUG. WAAAAAA

- RON IS IN THE HUG TOO I CANT DO THIS OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING FAMILY

- damn the marlowe family daddy magic sequence was sooo much faster than the wilsons

- SCARY SAID SHE LOVES HIM. SCARY. SAID. 🧍 GUYS

- AAAUGH. NICKY POINTING OUT GLENN NOT BEING THERE FOR TAYLORS BIRTH

- THE BABY TAYLOR NOISES

- glenn showing up high is quite upsetting to me actually

- JODIE VISITED TAYLOR. MULTIPLE TIMES. TELL ME WHY IM CRYING

- I HATE MYSELF WHY AM I SO HERMIE FOCUSED WHY IS THIS MAKING ME CRY

- GLENN STOP. UR HURTING ME

- "dang. idk if i like that guy" whimpers like a hurt dog

- TAYLOR. TAYLOR SWIFT. M GONNA CRY AGAIN

- ITS ABOUT THE. THE GENERATIONAL TRAUMA. THE ABSENT FATHERS. THE VALUING OF CASUAL FRIENDSHIP OVER ACTUAL PARENTHOOD

- TAYLOR TALKING IN TJAT REALLY QUIET TINY VOICE IS KILLING ME. HES JUST A LITTLE BABY GUY

- NICKY BEING REMINDED THROUGH TAYLOR WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE NICK IS SOOO EVIL

- GOING INTO TAYLORS MEMORIES?? TAYLOR LORE....

- FREDDIE IS COMING OUT W THE BIG GUNS THIS EPISODE WOW. FOR SOME REASON I WAS NOT EXPECTING TAYLOR ANGST TODAY

- GLENN CLOSE. HAVE U SERIOUSLY LEARNED NOTHING

- OH YEAH TAYLORS NEVER HAD DISNEYLAND

- THERE IS NO FIXING THIS.

- LINCOLN HUGGING SHMEGAN HELP

- OH NO WAIT THE FBI IS TAKING OVER HELL AFTER ALL

- "get taylor and nick out" and not hermie. sorry ill shut up (NO I WONT. THERE HAS BEEN NO HERMIE THIS EP BESIDES THAT DEVASTATING RAD FACT)

- LINCOLN AS THE KING OF HELL WHAT?????

- NORMAL OFFERING TO BE THE KING OH MY GOD.

- NORMAL AND TAYLOR HAVE TO FIGHT NOW?? FR THIS TIME???

- "I WAS JUST BEING ANGSTY" HELP

- ONLY ONE GETS TO LEAVE ALIVE???????

- WHAT. WHAT

- i. i am in shock. idk how to feel. oh my lord

[madwickedawesome]

my mischa bachinski headcanons but they start off silly and end up really serious and the tonal shift catches u completely off guard but its ok bc anything for him

(sidenote u have to pretend he and noel were Close Friends/dating before death for a few of these but thats ok becau[tangent])

he for sure cries SO HARD at movies like its unreal. as soon as any movie gets even remotely sad, hes clutching onto the nearest person and holding back tears while his whole face scrunches from him trying to hold back his sobs {inspired by me watching puss in boots 2. that movie would also DESTROY him}

says shit like "that was so sick......" after passionate makeout sessions (to the immediate disgust of noel gruber) mischa (hair and collar disheveled) : that was so rad :D noel, appalled: What The Fuck Did You Just Say To Me

that being said mischas love language is physical touch!! he could not stand his time away from talia where he couldn't hold or kiss her and he loves to be Right next to noel and do his own thing {this is primarily derived from how much he caresses the face of talia's projection, him hugging noel for comfort, his relief when noel leaned against him, etc.!!!!!}

LOVES pickup lines. he looks them up on his phone all the time. he tries to personalize them between noel and talia not just through language but thru their interests and he has never failed to fluster either thru them (despite their TERRIBLE quality). its kind of a shock that he managed to fluster them tho, with how much be always messes up their wording out of nervousness (any comeback will leave him forgetting what he was going to say and immediately lagging)

HE LOVES GARFIELD thats it

got a little overzealous with his makeshift tattoo machine and now has some of the WORST tattoos ever. "oh i like elephants ill do elephant next!" headass

had to teach himself how to use chopsticks in case he ever "desperately needed to use them." he ends up holding them in the most fucked up way imaginable. it is a WONDER he can pick up food without breaking his fingers with that form honestly

cried with excitement when he hit 100 subs on his yt raps . like omg he finally felt accepted and felt like he had made a huge name for himself w this huge achievement and when he hit 1k he FREAKED OUT and made a thank you rap (such a dork)

experienced severe culture shock upon entering canadian catholic school; he went to an insanely strict russian orthodox academy back in ukraine. noel offered to skip together to go get food and mischa was like ??Huh? Are you insane (hc courtesy of sight)

the realization that he could do basically anything without being completely fucked over contributed to his title as a troublemaker; he acted out and had fun to the resentment of the headmaster (which only made him angrier and led him to acting out further and further, trapped in a cycle) (hc also courtesy of sight)

his mother taught him how to cook so many ukrainian foods before she sent him away to canada in order to prepare him for his life; every time he cooked for himself he had to hold back his emotions because all he could think of was his life with his mom and how much better things were without his new life in canada

that being said, whenever his "parents" kick him out or he just can't stand being in the same area as them, his first call is noel (to the worry and concern of noel and the absolute delight of noels mother)(she LOVES him). noel calms him down with hugs and indulges him with poetry to ground mischa

in ukraine, he struggled to realize more about his sense of self, sexuality, needs, etc. because of social stigmas; it took him a new life in canada and a long time to accept the side of him that loved boys and he still struggled to handle the weight of it by the time of his death

mischa believed in god as a child-- not so much anymore . as a kid he was terrified of sinning and always wondered about the assertion that "everything happens for a reason," always wondering what he was repenting for as his mother got sicker and his father remained absent. by the time he moved to canada and experienced the falseness of a canadian catholic school, he figured that not even the cruelest of entities would put him through what was happening. he could no longer find comfort or curiosity in the belief of a god, only disgust and a sense of selfishness.

monday, september 14 was going to be a good day. a day off from school, a day to just have fun and let loose at a fairground. noel wanted a stuffed toy really badly, mischa did everything in his power to get it for him. mischa did everything to indulge him, even kissing him at the top of the ferris wheel; it made noel happy so it made mischa happy. he had no internet, so he promised to text talia when he got back to his house. as the cyclone reached the apex of its loop, and mischa heard a sound, all he could do was pray to a god he no longer loved and prepare to meet him thats all i got for now thanx for reading love u!!!!!!!!!!

[br1ghtestlight]

would like to hear objectsonas ramble :DD

tbh i posted that so i could trick my friends into private messaging me but since u asked nicely i will actually talk about them publicly :)

uhh jayden's parents met at a high school party when they were like sixteen and they went to the same high school beforehand (obviously) but never really talked very much. he was the product of a one night stand and when his mom told his dad about him a few weeks later he was like im not going to be a dad im sixteen!!!! and his parents basically offered to make this whole thing disappear and he moved schools and never talked to jayden's mom again (fair enough whatever he was a stupid kid) jayden is named after his father who was also named jayden (just jayden. not jayden junior or jayden the second bcuz he took his moms last name anyway) bcuz his mom wanted to honor that part of him

jayden's mom is like REALLY academically intelligent like a straight A+ student she's very smart and analytical even if she never got a chance to go to college or get a good job bcuz she had kids. he ended up getting a lot of that from her even tho he doesn't use it in the same way..... he is without a doubt the smartest of all my ocs and its not even close

his dad was also pretty smart but more socially intelligent. he was popular and very like uhhh he thought about BIG things like religion in the universe he questioned everything and talked back in class A LOT. he was incredibly manipulative and could easily get people wrapped around his finger and ask anything from them etc like very intelligent but he didnt try as hard in school bcuz he didn't care and he didn't like authority telling him what to do or demanding respect from him without earning it (all of these are traits that jayden also developed he's very similar to his dad but maybe a bit more responsible than him) i have absolutely no doubt that jayden's dad went on to develop a billion dollar business or he ended up running new york city or something bcuz he was just that inherently intelligent + powerful (for better or for worse)

i dont think jayden resents his dad for not being there bcuz honestly He doesnt think about his dad at all like he just doesn't exist in jayden's mind and he goes through life pretty much believing that his mom didnt know much about his dad either (whether or not thats actually true) jayden never once thought "why didnt he love me enough to stay" or "why didnt he reach out" bcuz he's just a very logical and intelligent person. but he also doesn't form connections with other people very easily so its probably true that he COULDN'T feel anything for his dad bcuz of that emotional dissociation. doesn't mean he doesnt make jokes about having an absent father occasionally bcuz he thinks its funny even if he doesnt care

jayden's dad (and mom obvs) did graduate high school but jayden never did. his mom very much pushed him to get a good education and good grades and get a high-paying job and be successful in life bcuz she always wanted the best for her son but jayden is just another type of person. he has such a complex perspective on the world and he is very smart BUT he inherently hates being controlled or being told what to do so school and work were never going to be for him. he'd rather be homeless and living on his own terms than rich but working a stuffy 9-5 job and following someone else's orders (which is fine but it does create a lot of problems for him with attachment to people/things) he got into a lot of fights with his mom bcuz of this and after he dropped out she basically told him to go back to school or he would be kicked out of the house and be left on his own with no support from her (she thought this would be enough to convince him to go back) and he took off and never looked back Which really she should've seen coming knowing jayden and knowing what his dad was like *shrugs*

[astral-lucy]

IWNKDE OMG IM AO GLAD URBCAM-

Could I ask u about my Saturn in 12th house thats in retrograde under Gemini? I HOLE THIS MAKES SENSE WKNDEJJFJE

hi babe! love the xcitement hahahahahha

it made sense, don't worry! and i already have some posts where i explain saturn retrograde (here's one, if you still want to check it out) but i wanted to do it in the bullet point format, i just feel like that's easier to read and digest.

also, i too have saturn on gemini inside my 12h, so-

saturn retrograde

suggest absent father figure

sorry

difficulty to create boundaries

kinda impossible to say no to anyhting ever

you may find yourself in unwanted situations a lot

...and being walked over

repressed fears

feeling like you never belong anywhere

always feeling it's not enough

saturn gemini

self-doubt

lack of confidence

hard time communciating

but these natives are problem solvers

focused

and wise

get anxious when they need to change paths

feel like they're dumb 24/7

saturn 12h

spiritual

but stubborn-spiritual

extreme fear of loss

(loss of people, of us, of our achievements; loss in general)

natives could had a lot of obstacles in their childhood

don't eant to depend on others

so they could be alone a lot

they also tend to escape reality

life feel soverwhelming to them

hope this was what you wanted!

[batz]

Ive noticed, especially in real big fandoms, people within them definitely get like, Hiatus Brain when the content is still relatively fresh but its been a while since anything new came out and start taking things apart to a degree and in a way it was never built to be taken apart to, and that CAN be very fun and often is, but sometimes it goes to kinda stupid places with stuff like hlvrai because people will start trying to apply like, a serious realism-based critical lens to things that are kinda fundamentally detached from it on a genre level? like what you said with the wile e. coyote thing.

Its like if people did discourse about Goku being an absent father, like yeah its technically true but goku lives in a cartoonish false reality that doesnt treat this as a good thing but also doesnt write it as having much consequence because Thats Not Even Close To The Point of What Dragon Ball Z Is

If you consider the overall events of hlvrai in a fashion thats TOO realistically grounded it will eventually cease to even be much of a comedy anymore bc the surreally consequenceless cartoon violence is a good chunk of the bit.

Idk. Things will probably get more normal around here at least for a while once more official hlvrai content comes out, judging from past large fandom experiences. Sorry for writing a novel in your askbox, i am. longwinded by nature, lol

EXACTLYYY its like. its FUNNY applying a realistic lens to hlvrai bc like. yeah the science team repeatedly gaslights gordon they are awful to him HDKSJDDK but also its a funny gmod roleplay. its not realistic because its literally a show consists of friends goofing around and pretending to be characters and saying funny penis word thats It.

taking it seriously and applying realistic lens on it for angst stuff and domestic aus is fine and all, i do that literally all the time. AND its good not to delve into shitty stereotypes when u go hogwild with fan made content, but also like. idk like, criticizing the fandom itself is fine. but just keep the serious critiques and the 'if u write the science team being mean 2 eachother ur bad person!' takes separate. esp bc, again, This Shit Is Just A Parody Youtube Show. benrey chasing gordon around w a knife or flamehtrower isnt problematic its literally just silly slapstick characters beinf silly slapstick characters idk what to tell ya

i think everyone should sit down and rewatch the main series or smthn... remember what the base content Is. and how silly and not serious it is. we'll get new content soon or whatever and itll even things out. i was in the dhmis fandom and . that fandom is mostly just. going nuts while waiting for new content fhdkdhd

but yeah when theres more content it definitely gets easier HFSKDHDJSJ

[kkodzvken]

im glad to have a partner in Hawks brain rot, I literally love him so much and I'd give him the absolute fucking world 😭❤

I was listening to this song whilst doing homework and I cried....then wrote this out...

love like you - Caleb Hyles

now I know this song is from the Steven Universe soundtrack (kinda getting back into my su phase) but when its covered by this guy it reminds me of keigo more. The way kei grew up with an in and out of jail/absent father and how his mother didn't really show him that much compassion, made him not understand real love. (which i can relate very well with) From then being brought in by the commission, and being told to hide certain things about yourself and cover up some of your tendencies, and just being brought up his whole life that way was probably hard. I feel like this song would be hawks singing to his s/o (me obviously 🙄✋ jk jk) anyways~ I just believe kei would love his s/o so much and want to "love like you" he sees how loving, caring and loyal we are to others and he wants to be like that too but he just has a hard time expressing it sometimes. of course we know he's doing his best and we know what he's gone through, so thats why we give him so much love and we're understanding. yes he is a hero, so he cares about people obviously and understands compassion, its just that his expression of it takes time for him...

"I just adore you, I wish I knew what makes you think im so special" like he knows we love him but he doesn't understand why yknow? poor baby just needs all the love and he just wants you to know that he's doing his best to give it back (sorry this is just my little babble, and made me think of him I had while listening to this song for 2 hours straight) *sobs*

- 🌞 anon

OH NO IM CRYINGKAJFNR i just want to wrap him up in blankets and give him so much love :(( poor baby has been through so much it breaks my heart just thinking about it, the recent hawks backstory chapter fucking Destroyed me

(cut bc i rambled quite a bit JSHFND)

i love thinking about keigo singing, i feel like since he has trouble expressing his emotions he tends to write them out as songs and share his feelings in that way (which like, mood...speaking of songs i have written like 5 different ones about kei JSHFNSKS). but imagine walking out after having a fight with him, you get a text from him and you want to ignore it but you see it’s an audio message :( and when you click it’s him singing love like you :(

it breaks my heart thinking about him putting on a mask everyday, pretending to be his cocky lazy ass to hide how broken he feels inside :( don’t get me wrong i love cocky bastard keigo w my whole heart but GOD when i think about his insecurities and his abusive past it just destroys me

it would take him so long to get comfortable with an s/o, angel hasn’t seen a healthy relationship in his whole life and has closed his heart off for so long ...i just wanna make him realize how amazing and loved he is, and show him that it’s okay to be vulnerable UGH now the gears in my brain are turning i’m gonna write a drabble JSBFNDN

wow i rambled for a whileeee djfjfj but i hope ur doing okay baby!! and that your day has been good!! i got so excited when i open tumblr and see an ask from you i love talking to you </33 my partner in hawks brainrot !! talk to u soon angel!!

[ghoestys]

and this is ruby! my 4th and final muse! been wanting to use gayoung’s pretty face since she was in tempted and now that shes in true beauty it made me want to use her even more! and the content she gave us while playing yeo hajin? iconic this is ruby <3

STATISTICS

full name: ruby odette im nickname(s): rue, rubes, ro, odette, od, odettie age: twenty two date of birth: october 8th, 1998 hometown: tba! gender: cis female pronouns: she/her/hers religion: christian (raised, non-practicing) sexuality: bisexual & biromantic hair colour: brunette eye colour: brown height: 5'9″ tattoos: dainty colored lavender on her left ankle facing outward (ex) piercings: standard & upper lobe (both), forward helix & industrial (right), daith (left)

PROMPT + BLACKMAIL

a legacy and member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-two and a sophomore undergrad student majoring in law. they are as positive as they are negative.

● was caught with a dui and almost got her license revoked because of it, but she flirted her way out of the ticket and convinced the police officer to kill the report by giving him tickets to a movie premiere where she held a small role.  background: this happened in new york after she was attempting to drive home from a party with her 3 model friends who were also all drunk. she was 20 at the time and should’ve also gotten in-trouble for underaged drinking along with driving under the influence, but she truly utilized her fame status and looks. luckily no one got hurt and the road was pretty empty so there wasn’t many cars, but it was still dangerous and irresponsible because if she wasn’t pulled over, then she would’ve hit busier traffic and something definitely would’ve happened. after being pulled over and saving her ass, ruby stopped driving and ordered a lyft to pick up her and her friends to drop them back to her apartment in new york. 

● was convinced her father was having an affair with a news anchor, so ruby convinced producers, news channels, and everyone in the business to blacklist them from ever working and essentially ruining and ending the new anchor’s career. unknown to ruby, though, is that the news anchor was never having an affair with her father and it was actually colette who was having an affair with her father at the time.  background: her relationship with her dad has always been rocky, but the minute she found out he was having an affair and cheating on her mom made ruby go batshit. she wasn’t sure who the person was exactly except for that her father was having an affair because she was overhearing flirty & secretive phone calls and was seeing bills for expensive gifts that her mother was never receiving. when ruby saw her dad meeting with a news anchor frequently, ruby automatically assumed that was the person her father was having an affair with and essentially ruined that new anchor’s career. the new anchor’s career ended very abruptly and ruby loved seeing it. she loved her mom and she wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her- not her father and not the news anchor. unknown to ruby, though, is that the news anchor was never having an affair with her father and it truly was just business. ruby framed the wrong person and ruined an innocent person’s career for no reason. 

ABOUT

family/upbringing/childhood

ruby’s family consisted of her father (randolph im), her mother (marissa im, nee byun), and her three younger siblings (edeline, brietta, and dominick)

her father, randolph im, is a top politician and was formerly a senator before being removed from officer and losing to his component- senator ahn. instead of being a senator, he’s apart of the house of representatives. other than being a politician, randolph also runs a loan business that’s not  known unless you’re also apart of the top 1-10%. since they have so much money, he doesn’t mind giving out loans to those in need, but he always expects something in return (like a vote or an endorsement) and he always expects being paid back in time with interest included. if he doesn’t get his money paid back in time, then he’s a loan shark who sends his henchmen to do all the dirty work for him.

her mother, marissa im, is a house wife who happily takes care of her kids. 

the family is as tight knit as it can be. it’s not hard for them to act loving and family-like infront of the media because that’s how they are everyday. they have their tense moments like every other family does, but they’re healthy for the most part. 

healthy until it involves ruby and her father. these two are constantly butting heads and always arguing over something. maybe it’s because she’s the eldest daughter or maybe it’s because she doesn’t support her father’s shady loan business. she just doesn’t like him and the only time you’ll catching her supporting her father’s political career is when it’s family involved and her presence is required. other than that, ruby is typically absent from whatever political campaign her father does. 

ever since ruby was a toddler, she loved the spotlight and performing. she loved acting and she loved when the cameras were on her whether it be for performing something or posing for something. since her mother noticed this, she was quick to put ruby in auditions for acting and modeling and since ruby was a natural, her acting and modeling career began at a very young age. she acted in children’s shows, movies as the younger version of a character and modeled for campaigns and spreads for brands like guess kids. 

due to her career being a success at such a young age, ruby never experienced “real school” and was homeschooled her entire life. when she was on set for tv shows where she had to act in a school setting was basically her only experience as a student in a “real school”. 

although her siblings would grow up differently (attending private schools instead of homeschool), ruby never minded this and never felt like she missed out on anything because she still learned how to socialize and got to act out wtvr she was possibly missing out on

career/college/the elites

luckily, as ruby got older and went from being a child to a pre/teen, her career didn’t stop and just kept growing. she filmed some tv shows and mostly focused on movies. when she turned 16/17, that was when her modeling career began to become more prominent because she was “old enough”, looked old enough, and was taller. she was having fun, living life, and traveling the world. 

since she was a politician’s daughter, she was getting tutored on information about law and politics by the time she was 13. she had interest in law especially so she could spite her dad by telling him what he was possibly doing wrong, but also so she could negotiate her own contracts and understand what’s being said during the meetings. as a minor, she can’t sign contracts without a guardian but she sat there at the meetings feeling lost and wanted to know what they were saying. 

although she loved spotlight when she was younger, by the time she was twenty she was starting to get over the fame. her career was successful, but she was starting to see and feel all the negatives that came with fame (especially in the modeling world where they criticized her looks often) and simply wanted out

when she turned 21, as a gift to herself she decided to take a break from her career/the spotlight so she could attend school and actually get a degree in law so she truly could negotiate her own contracts and understand all the legal terms being used during those meetings. she applied to yale and luckily she got accepted (mostly due to her career and philanthropy and because of yale being her father’s alma mater). 

her father was a member of the yale elites, which makes ruby a legacy so that made her entrance into the organization very easy. 

she still does modeling when she has the time, but her acting career is on hiatus until she finishes her bs in law. 

don’t really know where to put this, but her stage name is odette im (her middle name) and only those that actually know her like friends & family call her ruby. she prefers to be called ruby because it’s her actual name, but professionally and in the tabloids she’s known as odette. she will still respond if you call her odette in a non-professional setting and honestly if ur muse met her while she was working then they probs know her as odette 

personality

out of all my muses, i think ruby is the most genuinely nice one with no ugly intentions. silvia used to be like this, but silvia was also just willing to do shady things versus ruby who only does shady thing when shes truly hurt or angry or doing it for someone she loves (like ruining a person’s career to avenger her mom) 

like taking care of people because shes an eldest daughter but also loves being taken cared of much more. whenever she’s being babied or treated as the youngest she’s happy because she’s used to have to take care of other people instead of herself

is honestly tired of the constant spotlight because she experienced it for so long, so think she’s more lowkey now except for those moments when shes modeling and partying at extravagant places and cities 

believes honesty is key and the biggest way to lose her as a friends is to lie to her. she grew up away from the political setting, but it was still something she was apart of nonetheless and she knows how shady that area can b. knowing this, she tries to b as honest as possible and likes to hold people at a very honest level too like pls just be real with her and she’ll be real with u

doesnt mind talking about herself because thats what shes used to (her having to do interviews n shit all  the time makes it easy for her to talk about herself) 

basically an open book and even tho shes an award winning actress, shes terrible at hiding her real emotions infront of people who know her on a non-superficial level 

can be very superficial with others due to her job and having to present herself a the best possible version of herself, but shes usually genuine for the most part like. if ur her friend then ur her friend she wont treat u like a professional associate or wtvr like??? does that even make sense

probs actually enjoys philanthropy work so shes involved n shit 

can cook because she was the eldest daughter and also because she had to take care of herself while being in different cities by herself bc she couldnt eat out everyday 

cant bake for shit tho like.. that shit is just not her thing. cant even make box brownies

fiercely loyal to those she loves and will legit do anything to protect them. also loves spoiling her friends bc like. if she has the money for it y not 

WANTED CONNECTIONS IDEAS

someone that her father loaned money to! ruby is aware of her father’s business and is also aware of the clients because her dad doesn’t keep it a secret within the family. maybe your muse borrowed money and still hasn’t paid her father back for the loan so now the father found out information about ur muse and is holding it against them. ruby could be aware of this and attempt to help you-- if the muses get along tho :) 

someone she met thru work! whether it be thru acting or modeling but i think that’d be so fun!! could be a good experience where they became friends or maybe they’re rivals in their careers that the media loves to put against each other. maybe they were even costars who didn’t get along, but the media loves making them out to be bffs! 

bffs! friends! close friends! 

enemies! betrayals! negatives!

cousins! because why not! 

romance! ex flings! flirtationships! someone who leads her on! 

ruby isn’t the type to do fwb or non-attachment style relationships because she gets attached to people very easily. with her job shes constantly surrounded by people and while she loves traveling, it can get very lonely. if she fell in love with u then she fell in love with u genuinely and whole heartedly. i think of all my muses, she falls in love the easiest

[solasan]

35, 44, 47, and 48 for atlas pwease 🥺💖

35. what is the most important relationship in OC’s life?

oof, tough. probably nerissa? atlas has spent her whole life modelling herself off of her eldest sister; trying to be as kind as her, as fierce as her, as self-assured as her. she doesn’t manage it, for the most part, or at least in her own opinion, but nerissa’s spirit hovers over atlas’ shoulder her whole life, dictating her choices and turning her into the woman she’s supposed to be.

as a kid, atlas was so lonely, and she didn’t get along with most of her siblings (except sorenn, though they were never close) and nerissa just kind of... swooped in? and gave her someone to talk to and hang out with, someone who valued her opinions (even if they were naive and short-sighted at times) and wanted to be around her. she misses nerissa every day!!

44. how long does it take OC to open up to people?

not long at all lmao. the mortifying ideal of being known isnt that mortifying to atlas, and she wants to be known so badly !!!! she’s so desperate for companionship that truly u just have to be nice to her a couple times, be kind to others around her, make her laugh / show her something new and she’ll just absently begin the whole “it all started on the day of my actual birth...”

yes this is going to get her burned. yes it means she treasured vexx within a couple days of knowing him. leave her be shes lonely

47. who is OC’s favorite person?

pre-coup? it’d be a toss-up between vexx and nerissa, though nerissa would probably pull ahead just-barely. post-coup? hmmm. aya, probably? she loves aya so much bcos she loves how bright and unapologetic aya is !!!! definitely wishes she was more like her, like she did with nerissa. bash is also up there. both of them are just so kind and so funny and so alive that it takes atlas’ breath away. go best friends thats her best friends !!!!!

48. who is OC’s least favorite person?

i mean zovack, obv. he killed her whole family — killed nerissa — and also is fucking over seleota. however complicated her feelings were and continue to be regarding her father, she can never forgive the murder of everyone, especially given she values life so much. 

vexx is on the list currently too. not— it’s a little complicated. he makes her uncomfortable bcos he makes her feel so much — love, terror, horror, affection, anger — so she’s avoiding him currently shdkskd which is honestly fair enough

[fivour]

ppl who call jotaro’s personality boring or bland make me

ugh

like you can have ur opinions. u likely dont mean any harm and thats fine idc im not attacking you for not vibing with jotaro kujo, that would be silly

but it’s really damn obvious that jotaro is severely depressed.

and it always makes me feel weird to see people call his personality boring (i dont mean character development, that’s a different thing entirely) bc as someone w depression it’s so nice to finally see a character that is......... like me. you’d think w how common depression is authors wouldn’t be such misinformed cowards but a lot are. so jotaro is very dear to me. ironically it took almost a year for me to realize i relate to him so hard bc there’s like a 99.99999% chance he’s depressed.

depression is more than just being sad & people can be very high functioning and successful despite depression so let’s get that out of the way while i explain in unnecessary length why i believe this whether it was intentional by araki or not.

1. it makes you angry & moody depression and anger go hand in hand. irritability is a symptom for a reason, baby! it can make you very aggressive and give you a very short fuse (or the opposite, make you repress it). god knows i am aware of this lol. even the smallest things can set off intense anger. and jotaro’s aggressive responses r a notable feature of his character. not to mention that sometimes when you get really angry, it feels better than feeling nothing; sometimes you end up seeking it out just to feel something.

2. it makes you feel like a problem jotaro worries excessively, albeit for a reason but it also fits depression’s MO, that people he loves will be hurt bc of him. and a lot of people, myself included, lash out in anger when deeply upset, whether they are truthfully angry.

he is the problem. he is always the problem, in his mind. is that self centered? maybe. but it is a common thought and it often comes from a place of deep self loathing, not exaggerated self importance. he keeps people away bc if he gets involved with them, they get hurt; and this is only proved time and time again & he’s allowed to internalize that. which eventually ruins his family (ahem jokes about bad dad jotaro are not funny, they never have been, thank you and moving on.) and sometimes i wish he had the chance to cope with his shit and [cries]

3. it makes you apathetic and empty people also think jotaro is emotionless which honestly? maybe that could be the case. depression is very consistent (otherwise it’s usually something else, like a form of bipolar). for some people, myself included, the feeling they feel consistently is apathy or emptiness. instead of ‘neutral’ you just feel... void of anything at all. i would describe it as a cloud hanging over your entire life. sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours. but the cloud is always there. his apathy seems to be the main reason people hate him and it’s one of those things that i just cannot imagine the other side on, you know? it’s such a part of my own life.... i never realized people thought that was ‘unrealistic’.

there are many moments when you can feel happy, joyful, or peaceful; they are just few and far between. even though i am depressed, i have things that make me very happy. sure it’s one thing, but it’s a thing! for jotaro, that seems to be marine biology and family. although araki has some weird obsession with family being super important we will pretend that family is important to jotaro, not araki. anyways. these arent reasons to say he isnt depressed, bc there are some of the few things he seems to love. there are also ups and downs to your mood, as is there is for someone without any mental health issues.

4. it can accompany trauma and psychological issues jotaro grew up with a dad who was, as far as we can guess, never home. a dad so absent that joseph hated him and you know what joke im about to make there. yes im aware it’s also bc he ‘took his daughter away’ bc joseph was born when women were property and racism was super cool hashtag vintage but it is likely deeper than that for reasons that this post isnt about.

but.

sadao was an absent father and put work first and i can tell you from experience that destroys your self esteem as a child. you feel unimportant. you feel like you don’t come first to your parent. it certainly does not make for a happy childhood and any psychologist will scream at u that childhood is absolutely key in developing ur brain. theres also the fact that jotaro 100% got bullied for ‘not having a dad’ bc it was the 1980s and actually nvm that still happens haha hashtag vintage.

besides being depressed, this is also the example of a father that jotaro had growing up (ppl like to act like joseph lived w them lol no joseph was also a distant father figure, if one at all), so him being away from his family all the time? he probably didnt give it a second thought. beyond the fact that the subconscious exists and we dont consciously decide everything we do (which jojo fans in particular are super bewildered by idk what it is with yall), jotaro is also the type of person to avoid pondering his own personal problems.

so anyways........

i am done raving.

daddy issues aren’t a fucking joke i will fist fight you Right Now.

i love jotaro kujo.

thank u mr araki for making him.

goodnight

[beauzoleils]

ABIGAIL  COWEN ,  CISFEMALE ,  SHE / HER    →   according  to  the  school  records ,  NATALIE  LUCILLE  BEAUSOLEIL  has  been  attending  sacred  heart  for  the  past  three  years .  i  last  saw  them   hanging  around  the  john  bracken  library  ;  i  think  they  were  working  on  writing  her  novel .  at  twenty - one  years  old ,  natalie  has  been  studying  english  literature  and  get  this ,  i   heard  that  she’ll  zone  out  while  writing  papers  for  class  and  come  to  surrounded  by  pages  and  pages  full  of  archaic  languages  she  doesn’t  speak   —   figure  it’s  true ?  everyone  around  here  always  associates  them  with  a  moonlight  sonata  echoing  through  empty  halls ,  seats  in  the  back  row  at  the  opera ,  and  dead  flowers  pressed  between  the  pages  of  an  old  book .  in  the  time  since  these  strange  happenings ,  they  have  encountered  unexplained  occurrences .     

HI ,  hello .  i’m  hannah  n  this  is  like .  the  only  thing  i’ve  been  thinking  about  recently ,  aka  i’m  so  excited .  ok  anyway !  i’m  20 ,  kickin  it  in  the  est !  i’m  a  full  time  student  ( majoring  in  being  a  dumb  bitch  n  gay  rights  and  i’m  at  the  top  of  my  class  baby . . )  and  i’m  ALSO  a  preschool  teacher  so  if  i’m  ever  Not  here ,  i’m  with  my  babies  ! !  but  that  isn’t  the  reason  why  ur  all  here . .   ur  here  for  an  intro  post !  so !  

let’s  talk  abt  my  girl . . .  𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄  𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐈𝐋 !

okay .  so .  first  thing’s  first .  i  have  some  Real  Things  prepared  for  my  girl ,  including  but  not  limited  to :

a  pinterest  board !

a  stats  page !

and  what  i  call  NATALIE :  A  TRAGEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS .  it’s  kind  of  a  bio ,  mixed  in  with  some  stage  directions  here  and  there .  it’s  a  quick  read  n  rly  gives  you  that  Natalie  Flavor  if  you  know  what  i  mean . .  so  if  you  feel  so  inclined  n  wanna  take  a  look . .  but  full  disclosure  it  rly  does  hit  different  than  just  reading  this  intro 

anyway !  i’ll  give  a  more  condensed  version  of  her  bio  here  n  some  info  abt  her  personality  n  some  random  headcanons . .  etc !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈 :  𝑨 𝑯𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

alright  SO .  our  girl  natalie  was  born  on  april  13 ,  1952  to  michel  and  colette  beausoleil .  it  was  a  thursday ,  and  it  was  ALSO  eleven  weeks  before  colette’s  due  date ,  so  we  all  know  that  can’t  be  good 

( spoiler  alert :  it  wasn’t )

natalie  was  supposed  to  be  a  twin ,  but  the  other  baby  ( a  boy  named  pierre )  didn’t  survive .  they  didn’t  think  that  natalie  would ,  but  she did !  unfortunately ,  her  parents  were  too  wounded  by  the  loss  of  their  other  baby  and  it  was  all grieving  and  no  celebrating .  

also .  there’s  more  info  abt  her  parents  n  how  they  met  in  the  bio  but ,  a  sparknotes  version  is  that  michel  was  a  playwright  in  paris  and  colette  was  a  ballerina / his  muse  and  they  rushed  into  a  marriage 

michel  made  it  rly  big  a  couple  yrs  after  natalie  was  born  and  so  they  decided  to  use  that  $ $ $  to  send  natalie  away  to  an  expensive  boarding  school  in  london  called  our  lady  of  sacred  suffering .  it  was ,  of  course ,  a  catholic  girls  boarding  school  and  natalie  hated  it  there

but  they  hated  natalie  there  bc  she  was  just  the  WORST  catholic  school  girl  of  all  time ,  so  it  was  mutual

meanwhile ,  her  relationship  w  her  parents  is . .  very  complicated .  her  dad  is  just  kind  of  The  Worst  across  the  board ,  very  reliant  on  drinking ,  definitely  got  into  drug  use  at  some  point ,  had  lots  of  affairs  with  the  young  actresses  in  his  plays .  and  colette  was  just . .  very  sad  and  very  absent  so  the  support  was  Minimal

natalie  has  a  lot  of  issues  that  are  all  rooted  in  her  childhood  tbh .

somewhere  along  the  way ,  she  found  a  deep  passion  for  Writing  and  developed  this  sense  of  purpose  and  for  a  minute  things  were  going  very  well 

which  we  all  know  means  things  are  about  to  get  WORSE . 

on  her  eighteenth  birthday ,  natalie  receieves  a  card  in  the  mail  from  her  mother  for  the  First  Time  Ever .  and  she  immediately  is  like .  huh .  well .  something  is  Wrong .

she’s  right .

( tw :  nondescript  mentions  of  car  crashes  &  death )

a  week  later ,  she  receives  word  that  her  parents  were  involved  in  a  serious  car  accident  at  the  pont  de  l’alma  tunnel  in  paris  and  her  did  not  survive  the  accident .

( end  tw )

her  mother’s  family  is  not  convinced  that  michel  should  walk  away  from  this  without  blame  and  decides  to  take  legal  action  against  him  and  get  him  convicted  with  a  more  serious  charge  than  just  manslaughter . 

they  promise  to  keep  natalie  out  of  it  as  much  as  possible  but  when  it  comes  time  to  testify  as  to  whether  or  not  michel  had  a  history  of  not  caring  about  colette’s  life  and  well - being ,  the  only  one  who  can  speak  to  it  is  natalie .

so  she  testifies  and  it’s  her  testimony  that  is  the  metaphorical  nail  in  the  coffin .  

( tw :  suicide  mention )

michel  knows  it ,  too .  that’s  what  natalie  thinks .  he  turns  up  dead  in  his  jail  cell  the  day  before  he’s  supposed  to  be  sentenced .  she  never  knows  if  he  deserved  the  life  sentence  he  was  going  to  be  given .

( end  tw ) 

so  then !  she’s  an  orphan !  but  she  does  gain  control  over  everything  that  her  parents  left  behind ,  which  turns  out  to  be  a  lot .  

she  sells  their  house  in  paris ,  goes  to  wales  to  begin  university ,  and  hasn’t  gone  back  since  then .  but  like ,  she  grew  up  in  london  for  the  most  part  so  she’s  not  exactly  sad  about  being  away  from  paris  and  all  the  ghosts  there .

and  now  she’s  at  sacred  heart ,  working  on  writing  her  debut  novel ,  which  is  the  ( albeit ,  dramatized  and  fictionalized )  story  of  her  parents !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈 :  𝑨  𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

so  basically ,  she’s  got  issues .

fictional  character  inspo  includes :  jo  march ,  alaska  young ,  cheryl  blossom

if  you  know  anything  abt  astrology . .  she’s  an  aries  sun ,  mercury ,  and  venus . .  and  a  scorpio  moon  and  mars . .  and  a  gemini  rising . .  i’m  so  sorry JKDSFM

she’s  very  emotional  but  does  a  super  good  job  of  hiding  it  and  keeping  all  those  emotions  ( esp  the  intense  n  darker  ones )  buried  away . .  deep  down  where  no  one  could  see  it

the  minute  that  ppl  kind  of  ? ?  but  two  and  two  together  n  realize  who  she  is  ( bc . .  in  my  head . .  her  dad’s  whole  trial  was  kind  of .  A  Thing  that  the  public  knew  abt . )  they’re  probably  rly  concerned  w  Little  she  shows  any  real  emotion  to  the  whole  thing . 

rly  she’s  just  the  queen  of  compartmentalizing  n  repressing !

she’s  very . .  Assertive .  like ,  when  she  wants  something  she’s  going  to  do  whatever  it  takes  to  get  her  way  

very  Very  reckless .  she’s  like . .  so  fucking  impulsive  that  it  physically  Pains  me  sometimes .

she’s  very  smart  but  like .  More  So ,  she’s  very  clever  and  very  sharp  with  her  words .  a  very  fast  thinker  and  a  very  loud  talker 

someone  please . .  tell  her  to  stop  yelling .  she  needs  to  Relax . 

she’s  very  charming  i’ll  say  it .  n  like ?  seems  cool ?  the  kind  of  person  that  you  meet  and  immediately  want  to  hang  out  w  them .  

very  flirty ,  has  always  used  that  charming  smile  of  hers  to  get  ppl  in  her  corner  and  she’s  not  gonna  stop  now !  she’s  very  good  at  making  ppl  feel  special  

but  like .  she  means  well  most  of  the  time  sdkfj  her  heart  is  in  the  right  place  okay

big  time  trust  issues .  big  time  commitment  issues .  painfully  independent  and  refuses  to  let  anyone  know  how  much  she  cares  about  them  until  she’s  like . .  Really  sure  that  they  aren’t  going  to  hurt  her

also  very  afraid  of  hurting  people ,  which  is  another  reason  why  she  struggles  to  get  attached  to  people .  she  definitely  has  this  deep - rooted  fear  that  Bad  Things  follower  her  and  she  doesn’t  want  to  drag  ppl  into  that

it’s  literally  a  toss - up  as  to  whether  she’s  going  to  seem  like  she’s  demanding  ur  attention  or  entirely  disinterested  in  it .  bc  she’s  all  over  the  place . 

but  like .  i’m  an  emotional  BITCH  so  she’s  probably  going  to  end  up  being  100000%  softer  than  i  intend  bc  i  project  too  much  soft  bitch  energy  onto  my  characters  Always .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈𝐈 :  𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

so  many  things .  literally ,  anything .  just  a  disclaimer ,  if  u  read  thru  this  and  had  An  Idea  then  like .  yes  Pls  tell  me ,  i  want  it  xoxo 

but  here  are  some  i  have  up  in  the  old . .  noggin .

EXES .  please ,  please . .  for  the  love  of  GOD  give  me  some  angsty  exes  nonsense .  do  you  need  someone  who  broke  ur  characters  heart ?  consider  natalie  UR  GIRL .  she’s  Emotionally  Damaged  and  has  the  capacity  to  be  the  angstiest  ex  of  all  time ,  okay ?

give  her  a  weakness .  she  needs  someone  who  she’s  Actually  vulnerable  around  and  actually  sees  her  have  emotions  and  knows  she’s  not  just  this  huge  Mess  all  the  time

i  rly  want  someone  that  is  like .  from  the  same  ( ish )  bg  as  her  in  the  sense  that  like . .  they  also  were  surrounded  by  nice  clothes  n   expensive  private  schools  n  Luxury  but  like .  they  Thrive  in  it  the  way  natalie  used  to  wish  that  she  could .  n  just .  i  think  it  would  b  a  super  interesting  dynamic  bc  they  would  just !  clash !  so  intensely ! !  n  tbh  nat  would  probably  b  lowkey  jealous  Still  n .  spicy !

@ all  those  ppl  who  are  into  theatre :  i’m  Dying  for  some  connections  of  ppl  who  knew / knew  of  her  father  n  would  know  what  happened  w  him  perhaps  on  a  deeper  level  than  ppl  who  read  it  in  the  newspaper  a  few  yrs  ago . .  ( bonus  points  if  they  lowkey  idolized / looked  up  to  her  dad  bc  thats  a  Big  Mess  and  could  b  spicy  as  fuck  to  explore ,  u know ? ) 

idk  if  any  of  y’all  have  characters  who  grew  up  in / around  paris ?  but  if  there  are . .  then  Perhaps  someone  who  knew  her  in  her  youth ?

okay .  not  to  be  Trash  but  like .  i  rly  want  her  to  have  a  dynamic  that’s  jo  x  laurie  adjacent ?  do  they  have  to  be  in  love  w  her ?  no !  i  just  want someone  that  has  that  genuine  bond  w  her  and  they  care  abt  each  other  n  goof  around  n  like . .  i’m  already  getting  soft  on  main ,  huh , ,

she’s  soo  fucking  messy  that  like . .  all  the  messy  fwb / frenemies  with  benefits / one  night  stand  type  of  plots . .  yes  pls 

i  always  want  there  to  b  a  badass  girl  squad  like .  a  group  of  ladies  n  theydies  that  take  no  shit  n  get  in  fights  for  each  other  n  rly  truly  ride  or  die  w  each  other . .  we  can  workshop  the  name  ok  but  for  now ?  my  girl  squad  is  open  for  applications 

okay .  let  me  cut  myself  off  right  there  but  i’ll  leave  you  with  my  WANTED  CONNECTIONS  TAG  n  also  again  i’m 10000%  okay  to  just  brainstorm  out  something  else  completely  if  its  what  ur  feeling !

if  u  read  all / any  of  this . .  i  love  u . <3  either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm  OR !  like  this  n  i  will  come  to  u !  okay ,  that’s  all ,  bye 

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

hi!! after watching TF i got a Supernatural Dean and Sam vibe from Will and Benny, Will is like Dean and Benny is sam. It mentioned their dad in the movie and icouldn't help imagine him being a military dad, which is how they both got into this job. and Wills line of "I've been supporting him since the day he was born” about benny just reminded me of dean taking care of sam. could u write a fic about Will and bennys childhood and how you think it could have gone with a military dad away a lot! x

Soooo a couple of things 1) i’ve never made it past the third season supernatural and that was years ago so I hope the vibe is still what you wanted :) and 2) I was mainly working from other people’s experience with having a parent or both parents in the army and being in the army in the US is probably a bit different from being in the army in Germany buuuut I still enjoyed this snippet and I hope you do too! :) 

Growing up with their dad in the military (Ben Miller and William Miller, hc)

Both of the Miller boys grow up on strength, physically and emotionally, their parents keen on teaching the boys values and morales that are important to them. 

Their mother, an endless source of love, would always patch up their knees, dry their tears and help them with their homework. She’s the heart of the household, both of the boys inheriting her warmth and care. This is what she taught them, that there is strength in forgiveness and kindness and that every creature on this earth is deserving of love. It is important for her that her sons learn respect and honesty with one another, fairness and to be stronger than what the world might throw at them. 

He’s cracking jokes on Sundays where they are meant to be on their way to church yet they’re late again so they end up at a pancake place because there really is no point in going now. He’s morning runs, the brothers chasing after him until they get tired halfway through and he has to carry them back to the house, getting his own little workout in like that. 

The boys see their parents being in love, dancing around the kitchen, stealing kisses while cooking and even though they are children and that stuff is gross for them the imagine on what a relationship should look like gets imprinted into their minds.

Both of the boys grow up with at least one daily task to fulfill. It is their fathers way of teaching them responsibility and patience and care.

 William and Ben being in charge of the chickens in the backyard seemed like an excellent choice for that. they are in charge of feeding them and taking them out of the gutter and making sure the way to the enclosure is free and available ben learned to take responsibility the hard way, when he forgot to lock the gates one night and the chicken ran away in the cold, never to be seen again. His father, showing little emotions for that other than disappointment just shrugs and tells him to be more careful next time if he wants to avoid that from happening again. 

To the outside world his way of raising the boys may seem a bit extreme, even cold at times but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Their dad is still caring and incredibly invested in the boys, so much that he wants to do everything that they grow up string minded and healthy and independent, thats all that he wants from life and if that’s the way to get them to learn than so be it. most of this comes from his own father, having the family having a long line of history of vets and soldiers. it is a sense of belonging that he walkways felt when talking to his dad and he wants to pass that down to his own sons. and though they are grateful for the many lessons they’ve learned as children, little kids really can’t comprehend the situation as they grow up and are still young, let alone understand the intentions that go with actions.

It gets harder every time their father has to leave again. The boys don’t understand. It’s confusion the first time and some tears, they are trying to be brave and grown up then. The next time there are a lot more tears, more confusion, yelling and clinging until they reach a point where it’s silent tears and not even wanting to hug their dad and say goodbye. This is even worse than the yelling. 

It’s after one too times his father tells him he has to leave the next week, again, that William runs into the office, where his dad stores his belongings and the medals of his dad and pictures taken while he was in service, and pushes everything off the shelves before storming out the house. He doesn’t necessarily smashes anything as much as he just wants it all to be gone, leading to nothing being broken in the end but the gesture defiantly getting across. His dad finds William out on the front porch, the little guy waiting for him to come and confront him about his actions. Part of Will wants to stand tall and take whatever his dad has to say to him with pride and part of him is just utterly scared of the reaction he’s about to receive, anxiously awaiting the yelling his dad must’ve prepared. It leaves him with his chin up but his eyes watering and his lower lip quivering. When his dad just sighs and sits down Will’s nerves start to get the best of him and he breaks down crying because that’s the reaction he had prepared and now that there’s no outburst from his dad he’s completely confused into what he’s supposed to feel. His father can’t even be mad, it is such a clear and big signal from William to act out like that, he has to force down a chuckle. „You’re a brave guy, William Miller.“ His son is still sobbing and while he stops to take in a shaky breath Papa Miller opens one of his arms, not being able to see his son hurt by something he caused. „You need a hug, tough guy?“

William, even though being the older one, has a hard time dealing with the absence of his dad and missing him a lot more than he can handle. There are endless nights spent crying and getting terribly homesick, even though he is home. He grew up knowing what it was like to have a dad around and whenever his dad is gone, he can feel him missing. 

His obsession with numbers started then, counting the days his dad was gone, how many times he has to sleep before he gets to see him. It’s a desperate attempt to make the situation more bearable for him and it barely works.

Benny at the same time grew up seeing his dad from time to time. He’s used to the stories instead of memories and saying goodbye constantly before seeing him again some weeks later. He doesn’t remember his first couple of years as much as Will does, when his dad used to be gone for months at times. His world was much simpler, his questions could be answered with wonders and his mother telling him about how brave his dad is, fighting to come home because he loves his family so much. For Benny, his dad is a hero. Until he is not.

Puberty is hitting him like a ton of bricks and while his brother grew up with a lot of feelings, Benny suddenly gets a lot more input than he can handle. He feels everything, all the time and he truly doesn’t know how to deal with that. His dad being absent only feeds into his confusion, leaving Benny unsatisfied if he is home and missing him when he’s gone. He’s picking fights then, with his mom, his brother and most often his dad when he is actually home. Doors slamming, yelling and heavy footsteps on the stairs are common in those years and Benny loses the connection to his father for quite some time.

With Benny trying to sort himself out, William feels like he’s going through puberty a second time. They’ve moved a couple times by now and while Will comforts himself with books (they wont leave him and he can take them anywhere with him) Ben has gotten in with the wrong kind of people just one too many times. He’s out at night more than he can count, his mother not getting through to him and his brother only finding the wrong words. They’re at each others throats more and more, underestimating their own strength and forgetting that if they hit each other now it can become real dangerous real quick. 

It’s one night where Ben is coming home late. He’s drunk and trying to sneak in, actually bumping into every corner on his way through the house. He doesn’t even make it up the stairs as his brother, woken up by the crashing, comes down to help him. Hushed words lead to snarls lead to yelling, feelings that have been pushed down for too long explode. „What do you think dad would say if he were here? He would beat your ass to next christmas!“ „I don’t care about fucking dad! He can fuck off and die whatever shithole he’s stuck in now!“ They use words that cut deep and it doesn’t take long for them to roll around the hallway, fists hammering and hands closing around each other throats. Neither of them hear their mother shout, desperate for her sons to stop. She screams, she cries, she throws plates to the ground but they don’t hear her so she brings out the gun and fires a warning shot into the ceiling. Now they stop, startled and she sends them to bed before breaking down in the living room, a hole in the ceiling being the literal sign for something terribly going wrong right now. Their father comes home a few weeks later, both boys not interested in seeing him. William, who initially wasn’t even mad, actually understands his brother because he too, feels left behind. The last image their dad has of them is when they were 8 and they have matured a lot by that now. There’s no hug this time, the ceiling being fixed long before the boys learn to deal with their feelings and it takes an even longer time to forgive their dad, because after all it is their dad and they do care for him very much.

It’s a special kind of bond the Miller brothers share between them, their trust grown over years spending together and the thought about one leaving the other actually scaring them. Both of them like to know their loved ones safe and sound, a lot of their caring coming from the time that they didn’t know if their dad was alright. Ben and Will join the military at the same time, both beaming with pride and confidence. This is what they both wanted ever since thinking about their future, side by side and even though William struggles to come to terms with the thought that his baby brother might get hurt, he couldn’t imagine his service without him.

The day they get sworn in is probably the proudest day for the whole family. Their father is beaming with pride looking at his sons and both of them feel like they might explode.

There’s a lot they still haven’t talked about. The past is not an easy thing to untangle and feelings don’t go away like that, Ben and Will slowly understanding their father more and more as they experience violence and war and grief in the same way he did. Now they are the ones who get to see their parents from time to time, the tables being turned in a way they always suspected to happen but not being prepared for the way it actually is. 

It certainly helps to have a father who’ve experienced this kind of mental strain before and who knows what its like to go to war and then come back home. A lot of the adjusting with life back home they actually turned to their father to, family dinners often revolving around their stories and experiences and sometimes just quiet pats on the shoulders, as no words are needed to understand the struggle each one is going through. Not every action can be excused but they are older now and old scars are sometimes just that, old scars.

[sclvms-blog]

★彡 (  jeon jungkook / cismale ) / sitting by the fire is salem hyun, who happens to be a 23 year old tattoo artist. their friends say he was in favor of the camping trip, which makes a lot of sense since they are the cataclysmic of the group.(honey/est/she/her/aries)

my tropey golden hearted lil bad boy who is just… chef’s kiss…. so disgusting (see: a mixture of chuck bass and joey tribbiani. h8 me for it.)

as a kid he really thot he had it MADE- but ofc, as you grow, you look back and realize that you were maybe looking through rose coloured glasses. the glasses that convinced you that your dad was infallible and you were destined to make it to mars or the white house by your twenties at most.

but sawyer lost those proverbial rose coloured glasses a while ago- now he only wears…. sunglasses 😎.

oof sorry anyways

SO basickally he was born in san francisco to an already dysfunctional family, in that his parents were two people who were together out of youth and necessity and probably shouldnt have had any kids together, let alone salem and his three younger siblings

five years older than his younger sister, he practically raised her in lieu of an almost entirely absent mother and constantly “working” father, overprotective of her to an almost annoying lvl uwu

my mans barely got through high school, only excelling in athletics and being an absolute bitch ass Queen Bee, literally LIVED for the social life and partying and living it up- which is where he started drinking heavily and experimenting w hard drugs, even starting to deal with some of his friends in his final years

after high school it was talk of school - university, college, whatever, - he even almost ended up in teacher’s college bc he really had no idea what to do until he eventually realized he could concentrate his two passions into one job; art and pissing off his dad. and lo, he became a tattoo artist.

PERSONALITY / HEADCANONS

confident gay meme but hes bi

doesn’t have any neutral opinions abt anything; either a hater or a lover thank u , next

likes to PUNCH THINGS to a) stay in shape b) make money (ie actual street fighting) and c) to put some of all that anger and energy to use uwu pls punch him if u feel so inclined

likes: irish coffee, carrying cash bc he doesnt “trust” banks, not treating wounds properly bc he thinks the scars make him look cool, leather jackets, the sound of a healthy motorcycle revving up, his secret skin care routine, jogging everyday at dawn

dislikes: swimming (he doesnt know how and hes actually scared of water :( uwu), NOT fucking on the daily, getting punched in the face bc thats his money maker, people ASSUMING shit abt him, citrus fruits, romance movies

he is Big Sexy ™ and very gross

sleeps on a mattress on the ground bc he think it kinda looks cool

basically tries to come off as a lot tougher than he is when really he’s quite soft and loves a lot idk

[bonbonswirl-blog]

Old passer

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. You already know this is not canon, i want to point out that there is a character here that belongs to toony BUT doesnt have any kind of design or personality so i created them myself for this story XD means the anything here is not canon at all, that it thank u ^^

Wallaby was standing outside in front of a random store under shade. There he is, standing alone, tapping the ground under him with one foot, his hands in his pants pockets while looking bored. At these fine balmy days, almost every eye hides behind sunglasses and hair flows freely in the breeze, erratic steps echo. The janitor Penetrating gaze probed Perusing the sea of faces, like if he is looking for someone he was supposed to meet up with ages ago and they never came, now he is still here waiting for their arrival at any second. If only time can pass faster, or if he had something to entertain himself away from this killing boredom instead of leaving him to dwell with it. Letting his eyes roam over the streets, he just moved his head right and left checking if one of those faces is the person he meant to meet. However, he didnt know that few moments later something going to etch insidr his memory is going to take place right now. It was the moment when he noticed one of the passers being a lady, a normal lady, just like all the other ladies in the streets. but for some unknown reason, he felt something being off, her presence pulling his attention away from any other person.

Long fluid wisps of chocolate hair that always seemed to gleam when it  captured the light just right. Large liquid blue eyes held such a serenity, trimmed by long pretty lashes, lovely eyes, yet somehow seem gentle. Florid cheeks and flawlessly syrup sweet sculpted lips was lilac soft. She was all about simplicity, holding a small bag in her hands, wearing a short cute bright flowing dress, walking like an elegant lady.

And still for today, wallaby have no idea what was it in his guts that forced him to move his legs as fast as he can to approach her before she get any further away and dissappear from sight.

"E-Excuse me miss!" She turned around, facing wallaby who was holding his flatcap in his hands, waiting for his request. He looked at her with confused eyes, of course he would be, he doesnt know why is he even talking to her from tha first place, what does his guts want from a  random person he never saw? "Yes sir?" She smiled, lipstick glowing. She had a soothing voice, atleast thats what wallaby thought, she seemed nice, that kind of woman whom hold a tiny warmth within eyes. Those eyes...just by looking at this pair he can see one of his gazes in them. That evoked something from some part of his brain, He had no memory of her, atleast thats what he thinks, cause he doesnt recall any. Perhaps its not a memory per se, but echoes that call to his intuition. He started to think he may recognize her before, maybe he did neet her at one point in his life? maybe that was the reason why his legs automatically moved to catch her? Yes, it was, he can tell. Her simple smile was unique, reminded him of a certain smile too. he could have swore he saw it a lot, but where? when? And who? He was anxious for recognition he never knew. "I..." the janitor had no absolute idea of what to say when stopping a stranger for no reason, but he tried to come with a good excuse so he doesnt seem like a fool. How about..the reason he approached her from the first place? Why he ran to her before he lost her view. "Miss did we...did we meet before somewhere?" "We did? Oh Im sorry but, I dont think i do remember..." she apologized, wallaby didnt feel sad or dissapointed because she was just a stranger to him, but his inside did. She doesnt know him too, he can now let her go away right? Nope, that answer didnt calm his guts down, his tongue isnt satisfied with it. He looked at her again. Noticing smooth Bangs obscuring the woman forhead, framing her face. what is so intresting is that.

Her bangs are just like wallaby ones.

That was a nice detail, but all wallaby wanted is to sooth those unknown feelings and go back quickly to waiting for a certain person. "Are you sure? cuz I do feel that we may had knew each other at some point. I mean come on! Our bangs are really so similiar missy!"

So how can wallaby know a lady who is 20 years older than him? Dont ask him, ask his gut. it was still impossible for him not to be held prisoner by the intuitons. but there was undeniable familiarity to her features, possibly thats what held him so captivated. she giggled slightly "I just noticed that too...even our hair color is the same shade! Staring at your eye...I feel myself looking at a mirror! So..whats your name? Maybe I can remember you then!" "Oh! My name is-"

They both stopped when they heard objects hitting the floor with a loud thud.

They both turned their heads for the source of the voice, to their right concerned. It was a man with short dark brown hair, ruddy skin, a flatcap, standing there. Frozen, arms still static in the same position he left his belongings to fall down.

Wallaby was puzzled. His father constantly welcomed any kind of guest he met with kind smiles and  words. He never gave that kind of a shocked reaction to anyone before, especially for just meeting a random lady. His child himself didnt see him that shocked before about anything. But he tried to push it off for now and get back to the subject. "Oh dad Here you are! This is m-" He was cut too when he saw the woman next to him no longer smiling, soft glowy lipstick in a frown, not being too happy to see his father. Drown in her unwanted sad moments, lowered Dull orbs of ocean blocked under the dark shadow created of her fallen bangs, her expressions faded, the molten chocolate that hung precisely on her back turning dry, cheery dress no longer dancing with the breeze. The brown haired boy doesnt understand a thing... unsettling feelings began filling him. Whats wrong? Why are they both That greetly dissapointed? What making his head spin are the unexplained transitions. Who is she? What does she have to do with his dad? He wished he could Leap straight for the answer.

Mason already felt the knife before he saw it. Looking at the girl wallaby just met in a forlorn stare. He didnt blink and in the depths of his gaze, he couldnt believe his eyes anymore. He looked into her eyes one more second to make sure this isnt the wrong person or some hallucinations haunting him.

It was his partner

Or you could say his previous partner.

His shoulders hunched together like if he was trying to disappear inside himself. Even his dark eyes seemed to be attempting to retreat inside his head.

"...Lucy...."

"...You...."

She couldnt even remember his name. Expected. Why would she do anyway? Mason can still recognize her voice, even though its been...very long years since he last heard it, or seen her face...She wasnt that girl he loved, who cared about his being, or encouraged him to do his best in achieving dreams. No, she is just an old passer from his old life. The old lucy was long gone. Lucy snutched up an eye to finally take a glance at her once spouse. Looking at each other, Both of them had changed, yet still identifiable, funny how much tricky the time is. they realised that the eyes whose were once filled with so much purpose and love was now replaced with bitterness, and maybe hate. The only thing that showed any resemblance to the man was the shell the bitter soul inhabited. His old self was gone too. Mason never left anyone, they walked away. In his life he had been the sunshine, giving warmth, light and love without reserve, Yet there came a time when the pain within overwhelmed and only tears came. Her abandonment was like a betrayal to him, a burning to his soul, a dusty hot road on which his mind and body can wither. He had lost the one he loved the most in the world, the one who had kept him stable for periods in his life time. The near loss of everyone he had loved wasnt emotionally stabling to him. Only his son wallaby stayed, refusing to leave his dear father side. It was never an exciting blank page, a fresh start, or a choice to mason, but more akin of being naked in a blizzard. Lucy guessed she should do something about this stifled silence, to break it with a move, It is her own job to find an easful air around herself, so she made it towards him with an outstretch hand and that kind of desponded face usually reserved for your dissatisfaction. But mason startled like a deer in the woods, almost toppling as he took a large step backwards, entire face glowed up with pain and anguish. He let his face fall with gravity again. stepping aside while he slunk past not looking left or right, Leaving wallaby and his own regrets behind, alone. Wallaby wasnt ok at this point, blankly staring at the path his dad toke until distance obscured, hurt was welling in his son eyes, his dad looked broken. Lucy...lucy...Where did he hear that name before? Its repeated in his head many times, mentioned there and audiable by only one voice, his father voice. He unglued his eyes from the path and returned a stare for the woman in hopes for a small claricifation. She sighted him out from the corner of her eye, unable to look at him anymore. "So you..." "Miss..I-" "dont tell me that your name is wallaby...." He got it.

He finally got it.

That woman is his mother.

His Absent mother.

His heart jolts in pain. His jaw went slack with dumbfounded, eyes resigned surprise, brain stutters for a moment and his eyes take in more light than he expected, every part of him goes on pause while his thoughts catch up. Memories started to flood in every blood vessel in his brain, all of them are his five years old self, a beautifull young woman tugging along his side, she is nobody else but his mother lucy. All those stale pictures and voices clinging to his mind at a once. He can now recall them all. It was like he was living those moments, or visualizing them. Set of warm hands he would let hold him own clapping together before holding him off the ground and spinning his small body in the air, voice cradle his mind in familiar sounds, her soothing him from losing his favorite balloon or humming her favorite song at the kitchen. He still remember their last time playing together before the next day, he saw her with suitcases in hand, vanishing through the door, never coming back. For the first while he felt lost with not a single place feeling like home. However happiness found its way back thanks to mason treasured love. Time after time her presence in his life was erased. At this moment here, where he is meeting his mother for the first time after growing up. He felt that a part of his brain Where there should be certain memories is blank space, like a soft beige wall bereft of photographs. After a wash of cold he stepped out from the shadows and highlights of sundown. blazing sun descended, burning the sky in a powerful mix of amber and blood red. The dying sunlight seeped out behind sillhouet. Lucy spun around with her heals, back already facing wallaby in neglect, ready to go far away and leave him, again, in the same day he just met her. The rhythm of her heels clicking against the hard streets floor didnt stop wallaby from uttering his words. "Why did you leave dad?..." She paused her footsteps. "Why did you leave me?.." she stayed silent. How could she answer this? "You werent worth it, wallaby." He was raked with disdain, His eyes glistened with the pain of her betrayal, leaving wallaby with no alternative but to seek a new suspect of more harm, the truth of her innocence is discovered.

"You two were just old passers in my old life. Im glad l didnt waste it in you." Nobody around was heard, just continual taps of heels heading to a straight way. Stepping on her son heart each time they connect to the ground. Her kid steadily tracking her road until she completly escaped over the horizon. His eyes allowed her reluctantly to go past that orange lane, he was unsure about how should he feel about this new memory.

As the daylight dwindled the tension in Skye grew. Mason was in a slight crowded area in a specific street, Standing there on his own, doing nothing but giving a thousand mile stare into space, somehow the noised around doesnt affect any bit of his focusing. Wallaby had found him after taking some time for searching around, reaching him to be by his side. He never even said a single "hey..." to him. Instead, they both kept walking home in a queit sunset. Mason made no attempt to speak the whole way. Apparently, his young boy had expected this, as he kept shut too, mostly cause he didnt know what to say in this situation. Heavy sighs gracing each few minuts passes from the father mouth, did his eyes shine with the terror of his memories. Empty, yet They told a story of sadness, The dark lines around them didnt help much. He didnt mean to fall in love with lucy, but he did anyway, From the very first time he talked to her, he knew there was something so true in this person that reassure him he could be the true him. If only he had enough cohesion power to describe what happened that day to his loved son wallaby, but right now This was mason burden, his kid shouldnt be sharing it with him. His steps were dragged and movements forced. While the companion was down in the dumps, an inkling of wistfulness glimmer in soft eyes dropped to the corners. He fixed his eye toward the sky, wallaby always admired sunsets. But tonight, he felt blue, curbed. Not wanting to think about anything and just get back home to rest from this long day.

At nightfall the heat of the day would evaporate along with the last sunrays. At that night wallaby closed his eyes, head pressed on a soft pillow. hoping for sleep to take him away from this thing called reality. The darkness overtook him slowly, and he fell asleep. But For the first time, Little tears falling from his face.

[8147]

reading hamlet for the first time (act 5: the finale)

masterlist

none of you told me it was going to be this painful . none of you.

a5s1

“Ophelia’s dead.” “Enter CLOWNS!”

Like im sure this has a different meaning in EMA but im gonna make fun of it because it’s fucking hilarious. (future (present? (now past once more (?))) antares coming back to say i did look at nfs and yeah theyre gravediggers)

“First Clown: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter? Second Clown: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.” damn not even just this one quote but these are some depressing clowns

hamlet and horatio!

okay there’s something about all of hamlet’s skull talk that makes me uneasy. like, not even the topic, just something in the words and how earnestly and (pardon my pun) gravely hamlet’s speaking about this. and it’s almost a mournful tune, too. it’s a huge difference from his “we’ll all be eaten by the same worms” speech to the point that it’s almost haunting.

“HAMLET: I will speak to this fellow.” C O N F R O N T

“HAMLET: I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.” (incomprehensible scribbling)

HAMLET, NOT IN ENGLAND: oh yeah lol he was sent to england huh u know why lmao

wait. did the. did the pirate situation get resolved. before act V.

I mean i think hamlet mentioned something about three years but the pirates are so fucking glossed over like what the fuck

“First Clown: 'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.” HOLY SHIT ROAST THEM JFC

“HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull)” THIS IS THE SKULL SCENE! I fucking KNEW it was bullshit that holding the skull was in the to be/not to be speech. I saw it being presented as such like once or twice while reading and I KNEW IT

hm okay so hamlet picks up this guys skull, of someone he used to know, and sure maybe i could ignore the “those lips i have kissed” but then he goes on to mention alexander the great and i mean come on

but jesus like i feel like im not doing justice to the stuff hamlet’s saying. just, the gravity of it all. Its kinda hitting home a bit hard bc like ive had a crippling fear of what happens after death and being forgotten etc since i was like in fourth grade and this is @ing that phobia

like, with that julius ceasar thing. “O that that earth which kept the world in awe / should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw,” it’s so strange. like, every fucking human who has lived, whether they be emperors, murderers, inventors, peasants, or philanthropists- as long as they weren’t blind, they’ve all looked at the same sky. like. It doesnt matter what the fuck you did or didn’t. It’s wild.

“First Priest: No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead To sing a requiem and such rest to her As to peace-parted souls.” hey i get that there are cultural taboos around suicide but like this guy’s a dick it isnt even clear if it was suicide, like, she was so fucking crazy she might not have even known she was, y’know, in a lake or w/e

laertes, dude, my guy. maybe jumping into a grave is cosmic foreshadowing for something you don’t want to happen to you. js.

“HAMLET: [Advancing] What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. (Leaps into the grave)” hamlet is NOT one to be out-extra’d (posting-antares here to say, wait, ‘whose phrase of sorrow conjures the stars? is this my aesthetic-speeches-summon-ghosts theory? probably not, but i havent mentioned it for a while)

“LAERTES: The devil take thy soul! (Grappling with him)” IN A FUCKING GRAVE. THEY ARE FIGHTING. IN A GRAVE.

all because hamlet doesn’t want to be out-extra’d. my god.

“QUEEN GERTRUDE: This is mere madness: And thus awhile the fit will work on him; Anon, as patient as the female dove, When that her golden couplets are disclosed, His silence will sit drooping.” Ah yes gertie just talk about the distraught and angry madman as if he isn’t there. that’ll diffuse the situation.

You know what? We still haven’t discussed the pirates.

a5s2

“HAMLET: So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all the circumstance?” If this isn’t gonna be about the pirates im gonna. scream.

“HAMLET: My fears forgetting manners, to unseal Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-- O royal knavery!--an exact command, Larded with many several sorts of reasons Importing Denmark's health and England's too, With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life, That, on the supervise, no leisure bated, No, not to stay the grinding of the axe, My head should be struck off.” god, though. imagine that. being exiled to another country by the person who killed your father, only to find out that they were going to have you killed, anyways. that’s fucking terrifying. jesus christ.

Damn this idea that pretty handwriting is ~beneath~ nobles confuses me so fucking much. I got called haughty once just because my main handwriting is cursive. I mean, they were right, but their evidence was circumstantial at best.

“HAMLET: That, on the view and knowing of these contents, Without debatement further, more or less, He should the bearers put to sudden death, Not shriving-time allow'd.” Hamlet’s Revenge. 

but also, what the fuck, dude. two wrongs dont make a right.

damn i kinda lost myself while reading but it really doesn’t sound like hamlet’s insane anymore. Like he’s… tempered himself. he doesn’t feel insane, just solemn.

“OSRIC: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark. HAMLET: I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?” goddamn ROAST HIM HAMLET (also what a fucking mood)

Osric put on your fucking ha--

The wind is

The wind is northerly

“HAMLET: No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is northerly.” I remember someone saying that this is important

Okay here: “HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

oh no

Osric just wear ur fucking hat u doof

“OSRIC: Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as 'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-- HAMLET: I beseech you, remember-- (HAMLET moves him to put on his hat)” excuse me a WAGER

but alas all hamlet cares about is osric’s fucking hat

“HAMLET: What's his weapon? OSRIC: Rapier and dagger. HAMLET: That's two of his weapons: but, well.” hamlet u sarcastic little shit i love you

I mean so is horatio. I love him too.

This stuff with the competition is. not gonna end well. not at well.

“HAMLET: I do not think so: since he went into France, I have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.”

hamlet no. listen to your heart or whatever. jesus christ don’t do it.

“HORATIO: Nay, good my lord,--” HAMLET LISTEN TO HORATIO

Ohhh hamlet

okay reading what laertes said, you know what? i’m giving laertes one last chance. please do not prove me a fool, laertes. 

everything is giving me mad anxiety. e v e r y t h i n g.

claud’s speech is insanely sketchy

“KING CLAUDIUS: [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.” One, so that’s why it was sketchy. Two, the POISONED CUP?

IT’S TOO LATE?

Gertie’s. Dead.

Shit, shit, shit

“LAERTES: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.” YES! SO PLEASE! STOP FIGHTING!

“LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES.” Oh no oh no oh jeez eheu they’re hurting each other, shit, fuck,

“LAERTES: ...woodcock…”

“KING CLAUDIUS: She swounds to see them bleed. QUEEN GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. (Dies)” one, i love how claud is desperatley trying to stick to the plan, its almost adorable in a childish sort of way. two, oh god. ohhh god. gertie. 

Oh no. 

this is the bloodbath. THIS IS THE BLOODBATH.

BODY COUNT: 1

“HAMLET: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work. (Stabs KING CLAUDIUS)” ...

BODY COUNT: 2

wait and hamlet’s on death row, as with laertes. Oh no.

“LAERTES: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. (Dies)’ oh my god already??? I haven’t even really accepted king claud’s death?? jesus christ??

My friend just sorta nudged me and asked if i was alright and i. I’m not. i’m in shock. goddamn. what?

BODY COUNT: 3

goodness thats three in like less than thirty seconds JESUS CHRIST

“HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.I am dead, Horatio.” that’s chilling. just, the poignancy. that’s so fucking spectral. i’m not okay.

“HORATIO: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left.” No no no on no nononon NO NO oh my god are you going to-

“HAMLET: As thou'rt a man, Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't. … If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart Absent thee from felicity awhile, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story.” hey i’m crying in study hall. i’m actually crying. what the fuck. I don’t cry unless i’m thinking about that one pair of 18th century shoes with the really good photo quality (transcribing-antares here. I fucking love those shoes. I’m looking at them right now and they’re so fucking beautiful. they look how velvet feels, which is odd, bc they're apparently silk. I don’t care they’re just so fucking lovely)

F O R T I N B R A S?

“HAMLET: O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit.” I’ve identified my emotion. Dread. pure, unadulterated Dread.

for all of you that’ve listened to the penumbra podcast: do you remember the concierge, right before final resting place, saying “you do realize you can just like, leave, and everything will be hunky dory and you won’t have to deal with the emotional consequences this episode will bring you” because i’m seriously considering doing that right now.

“HAMLET: The rest is silence. (Dies)” shit. (posting-antares here to say that i forgot to do the body count but honestly im crying while formating because of this goddamn fucking 400 year old play)

“HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince…” oh god. horatio.

“Good night sweet prince…”

(yet again tis transcribing-antares here to say that im fucking sobbing right now, the shoes are no match for this, and ‘goodnight sweet prince’ is actually never going to leave my head.) (editing-antares here to say im fucking crying again god fucking damn it) (posting-antares back again saying that this fucking line. this line. my god.)

“HORATIO: What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.” oh, horatio. god. that isn’t something said without tears staining your skin and a bitter tone hard-won, not that its possession is a victory.

oh my god. this can’t. no. this can’t end like this. What. no. people must have rioted. No. no!!

i typically hate it but i would GLADLY accept a deus ex machina right about now!!

okay my friend just took my phone away from me and shut it off because i kept on trying to scroll past the end

jesus christ

okay so i’m not going to be okay for like, several eternities, so im going to play the sims until i. until i die, probably. my god.

masterlist

[bingeeatingihatefoodruinedmylife]

I wanna talk about the emptiness inside me that I tired to swallow, the black hole that started my downfall into the pits of eating and mood disorders.

1- My dad isn’t my father.

2-I don’t know if god exists.

These are the two things that are the bane of all the shit in my life.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom and I and my sister lived with my grandparents and my messed up uncle. We were dirt poor (now we’re just poor thank god lol) so my childhood was sad mostly with an absent father who would show up once every many months to abuse me emotionally and give me abandonment issues. I’m sad to say I will never know what it’s like to have a father. He is trying to make it up to me now but only mildly. But I’m 22. His presence and support were needed when I was little and my teachers were telling him that I was very bright and that I should go to a better school, or when people told him I am a great artist and that he should buy me art supplies to hone my skills. He never even got me A4 papers. Now I’m burned out and bitter. I know I had insane potential but he only ever gave me issues and made my life more difficult that surviving was more important that any imaginary “potential”. And now I see people who were not as half as good as I was and they got the support and attention of their parents and have got far in life. My mother was a good parent growing up but the poor woman could not be blamed for not signing me up in fancy schools or drawing classes or whatnot because she was too busy being a single parent of two children working all sorts of jobs because the alimony is worth 250 dollars. What a joke. I’m broke now and I got through 250 in a week if I’m careful. What man would let his children go through poverty when he’s very wealthy. I love him and I understand that he has his issues to but I will never forgive him for what I had to go through. At 15 no one wanted me thats when my ED started. My mom was working in another city and she didn’t want me to live with her anymore. She send me back to my grandparents house where my uncle pulled a butchers knife on me. Who pulls a butchers knife on a 15 year old child ? My aunt instead of defending me gave me a talking to and told me to not tell my mom. I couldn’t believe my ears but I still didn’t tell my mom. Then I moved in with that aunt because I couldn’t stay in that house. But because my mother had body shamed me so much ( I was going through puberty and started to grow the tiniest little boobs and the tiniest little hips) and my other aunt who was pregnant the year before and had to also live with my grandmother as well as her husband and children would shame for whatever I ate. Soon her children followed suit. I was the tiniest boniest little thing but she shamed me nonetheless because food costs money I guess. At that time the only thing I snacked on were apples because I loved them so much and we again we were poor so we didn’t have delicious snacks lying around so apples were the only sweet thing there. How much were 1-3 apples a day gonna cost you ? Cheap yellow apples.. I could never do that to a 13 year old or anyone for that matter .

Does god exist ?

Are you there ?

Do you see me ?

Why am I here ?

Am I doing good ?

Am I not doing good ?

What’s the point of it all ?

If you’re god and you control everything did I do something to you to offend you ? Cause my life feels like a maze and I’m a rat and the maze is also a wheel and I’m just running but I’m still in my place. Im not even moving in the maze. If you wrote my life why isn’t it making any lyrical sense ?

Can you talk to me ?

Can you lend me a hand ?

Because I haven’t felt like the main character in my life for four years now… that’s a lot for someone to not fell like the MC in their OWN life.

So I was raised Muslim and questioning the existence of god in the Muslim community is a big no no. When I was a kid at least I knew for was there and if someone bullied me or did me wrong they were gonna get what’s coming for them sooner or later. But people who have wronged me so badly are thriving so what if this is it ? Also all the injustice in the world the racism sexism sex trafficking slavery that still exists countries that bully other counties and leaders that sell their own people. Sadly third world countries are enough to make you doubt gods existence. I just don’t want to be duped. Also what is up with the homophobia ? Religion to me seems like a big pretext for sick people to beat kill rape others. And this whole holier than thou attitude religious people have is such a peeve. So god, are you there ? Do you love me ? Or are you mad that my faith is weak and this depression and eating disorders are your way of getting back at me ? Because which are you ? Are you living and merciful ? Or are you scary and dishonoring sub-doing ? Because if someone told me they love me and were kind to me but at the same time messed my life behind the scenes and when I confronted them they said oh I’m punishing you because I live you and I want you to get closer to me I would just call them toxic and be like why the f ??? I’m not gonna lie the idea of being an atheist is so tempting but my brain can’t Handle the possibility of a god not existing because whenever I’m in trouble I go inwards and I talk to him god allah the universe u know I just know someone is listening and you wanna tell me it’s just me talking to myself ? Ouch And what is up with everyone assigning god the male gender ? That’s some sexist stuff right there. Also aren’t divinities supposed to transcend the concept of gender and genitalia ?? The religious inside me is freaking out right now over everything I wrote and I’m scared god would strike me or something over what I’m saying but I’m also tempted by the possibility of god just up there like good girl don’t trust what those misogynistic men have twisted religion into. Good on you for using the brain I GAVE you ! And he’s be like of course I love you I love the women I live the in between I love the gays I made you ! Of course I love you even the most broken ones are so beautiful to me. So If you were real how do I not make you mad at me cause I don’t want to piss off the all encompassing all knowing obviously do you see gif how so much of religion is fear. I don’t get it. So how do I do it without going crazy ? Also I’d you didn’t know us Muslims aren’t a allowed to leave the religion then go back etc like I see a lot of white people try everything out there and it’s just like isn’t that what we should do not be raised in a certain religious but like sample everything then decide based on how we are like some exchange program or as simple as a buzzfeed quiz. Because I didn’t choose this so It’s not an informed decision. Wondering if god exists probably stems from my fear of dying. Like everyone on this planet I don’t know when or where that’ll be so I have some unexplained anxieties. So I wonder what’s gonna happen after I bite the dust. It’s like sitting in the waiting room of a dentist you’re scared shitless you see people go in and you try to distract yourself you read some magazines or mess around in your phone etc. You know you avoided the call to the dentists office as much as you could but it was inevitable. Idk what I’m saying. Anyways so I’m sad because I’m unfocused in life school career like the driven overachieved millionaires Elon musks Angelina Jolies and Oprah’s out there so I’m not successful but when I try to focus I can’t because I’m reminded it’s only a few years and blinks until it’s my turn to go into the dentist office so what’s the point and a big majority of my life had been shot so far so..