#the Salem-raises-Oscar AU that nobody asked for and exists only to hurt people

[alyss-spazz-penedo]

Headcanon things that I can’t seem to work into my Salem-raised!Oscar AU But are definitely happening:

Oscar knows how to make (or cobble together) a LOT of shit in Watts' lab, but ONLY there. Remove him from that environment and he has no idea where to find the stuff he needs to do Things.

Oscar’s circadian rhythm is completely borked bc there was no sun for several of his developmental years and he has no sleep schedule. My boi lives on catnaps all over the place; Qrow has tracked him into closets and under furniture, snoozing away. He is reliably awake at one(1) time of day and that’s Salem’s teatime.

After the initial hugging fiasco Oscar is wary of Nora and doesn’t let her get close enough for a repeat. This is clearly A Challenge; Nora accepts.

So Nora is forever trying to bribe Oscar into her space by leaving him treats, as you do with feral animals. It goes... eh

Cookies and the like are too sweet for Oscar, btw, since he grew up on what were basically army rations. Like, painfully sweet. He eats them anyways, cursing Ozpin’s sugar addiction the entire time.

Again due to living off prepackaged food, Oscar can’t cook to save his life --actually, no, he probably could, Oscar will do a LOT to save his life, but like... why would he ever need to do that, seriously

Oh also he will eat food off the floor, bc he is an Actual Gremlin and no one ever taught him better; the only person who cared about his eating habits was Tyrian (for poisoning purposes) and he is a Bad Role Model who also thought it was hilarious.

Ozpin cares. Ozpin also nags.

In fact, Ozpin always nags. If at any point I don't specifically say that Ozpin's being quiet please assume that the man is just constantly commenting on Oscar's poor life choices in the background of the narrative (and being summarily ignored). The man has an endless patience for child-raising and advice-dispensing that is matched only by Oscar's sheer bullheaded irreverence and utter lack of faith in the advice of the man who has literally gotten himself killed more than anyone else in the actual entire world, head-leech, shut up and let me do what I do in peace-

Anywho back to the gremlin thing: the only manners Oscar ever learned had to do with backtalk (don’t do it if you can’t back it up) and tea (how to properly make it, serve it, and drink it).

This is sometimes confusing to the RWBYJRNQ gang, bc Oscar will do things like dramatically wax poetic in outdated vernacular about how they’re all going to die, but then turn around and swear like a prickly punk teenager as soon as someone pokes him, and then an hour later he’ll knock everything off the fireplace like a cat bc he wants to climb up and take a nap there. Two and a half hours later he’ll be snarling about soot and halfway up the chimney with a bucket of water and a rag. Which are not actually appropriate chimney cleaning materials, but Oscar was Magic At Cleaning (by necessity) before Ozpin ever showed his dead face anywhere in his feral little head. Boy makes it work.

Oh also did they mention the cleaning? Bc Oscar does that constantly. It’s gotten to the point where everyone's just grown super careful about not making messes.

Paaaaaartially due to guilt, but mostly because if they fuck up Oscar will show up in 1.5 seconds with a mop or broom and just start working with a completely blank face like some kind of robot, and it’s creepy af. And if anyone tries to help (especially the person who made the mess to begin with), then he goes from blank to suspiciously confused, and that's just sad. No one wants to deal with that.