#the colton thesis nobody asked for

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Okay okay okay but... Artie changed Colton's life? How? I want to know everything!

okay I just want the record to show that you said you want to know everything because this is going to be a handful of tangents loosely tied together under the premise that it all kind of goes into how Artie changed Colton's life even though half of it has nothing to do with Artie!!

Before we can understand the role that Artie plays in Colton's life (outside of just being very close friends since they were in elementary school), we have to unpack Colton's baggage surrounding sex and, most notably, his relationship with Santana. (This is going under a cut because it is…. A lot longer than it was meant to be)

(Trigger warnings for dubious consent, creeping adults, underage sex)

It starts early in their freshman year, Santana decides that in order to cement her place on the Cheerios food chain, she needs to lose her virginity to a hot starting player for the Titans. It so happens that she chooses her long time friend and the only freshman starter, Colton, to tackle that with. Colton isn’t sure how he feels about it but Santana is his friend, she’s beautiful, and at least no one will actually know, right? ….and Santana immediately tells everyone.

Santana is very complimentary about him, which he supposes would be better than being known for being bad, but it earns him a lot of attention that he doesn’t particularly want. A lot of icky-feeling praise in the locker rooms for “bagging a cheerio so soon”, and a lot of other girls now wanting to be with him for their first times too. Colton is left off-kilter and uncomfortable and not sure what else he can do but say yes, so he does. It’s terrible for his self esteem and self image, feeling that people only value him for his body and his use as a sexual object, which only gets worse when he comes out.

While he’s met with initial homophobia, Colton is fairly protected for a few reasons — both he and Cece are competent in a fight and Cece in particular is not afraid to kick someone’s ass for him, the Cheerios like him and it becomes well known that anyone who fucks with Colton isn’t getting laid, and Sue Sylvester herself likes him and no one wants to risk pissing him off. Once the homophobia is shut down, certain jocks start to see benefits to the situation. It starts with a then-senior, a guy who’s interested in experimentation but knows that with him being so much more popular than Colton and the fact that a lot of people are still waiting for an excuse to ramp up the homophobia again, Colton won’t be in a position to out him. There is definitely a lot of coercion involved, but Colton never breathes a word of it to anyone. It becomes known through whispers in the locker room that Colton will essentially do “anything with anyone” and won’t out anyone, and soon more jocks start turning to him for their bi experimenting. Colton never says no, but that is in a way that stems from the knowledge that one word from any of these people, just the slightest implication that he made the first move or was looking in the locker room, could not only ruin his social life but put him in physical danger.

Some are better than others. An awkward but friendly hookup with Puck, one of his very best friends, is definitely better than an aggressive, painful hookup with Karofsky. And all of it adds to his low self worth, cementing in his mind that no one cares about him, he’s just the only option available.

And none of this is helped by the fact that adults in his life are also getting creepy. We see it in season 1 with both April Rhodes and Shelby Corcoran, April being more touchy while Shelby just makes some inappropriate comments, but the worst of them is Sandy Ryerson. The situation in which Rachel gets him fired has nothing to do with wanting to be the star but rather he’s the Glee member that she sees Sandy feeling up and while Colton would never say anything — he knows what happens if he does, he knows that ends with being told that he must have wanted it because he’s bi — but Rachel can raise hell for her best friend. Colton can’t find it in himself to trust Mr Schue, and he understands that his only value to Glee is as an attractive male lead, not because he himself is valued. (Holly Holliday and Sue Sylvester are the only adults other than his own dad that Colton feels safe with in McKinley)

And then the Finn shit happens. His best friend, the one person he really thought cared about him more than his body. He knew when they started hooking up that Finn was just looking for reassurance, to feel desired, to rebuild his self esteem after his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend (granted, Colton also slept with Quinn but that was after the breakup and also when Quinn realised that she’s a lesbian, but also Finn doesn’t know about that), but he always thought Finn cared about him. He thought that his friendship was still more important to Finn than his body, that the intimacy was real even if not romantic. And then time goes on and the lines blur, Colton falls in love and he truly believes that Finn loves him too, but immediately after Colton says the words, Finn turns around and professes his love to Rachel and they start dating, and Colton is left more broken than ever, feeling entirely worthless and fundamentally unwanted and unloveable.

And then we enter season 2, jump forward to Duets, Artie has sex with Brittany and is left feeling exceptionally shitty afterwards. Now, I always talk about Artie as Cece’s best friend and he is, but Artie and Colton are also best friends in so many ways, Artie is the only person who’s aware of how much Colton hates his reputation, how much he resents being attractive. He knows how excited Colton was to tell him that he and Quinn hooked up because, even though Quinn was only using him to figure out her sexuality (Artie doesn’t know that part, he’s under the impression that Quinn just wanted a better sex experience than she had with Puck), it was the first time he ever felt like someone wanted him for him, not just because he was there. He knows how uncomfortable Colton gets when Santana flirts with him, when anyone flirts with him, when Puck jokes about him being the school bicycle. And, in turn, Colton is the one that Artie talks to about losing his virginity. It’s Colton’s house that Artie ends up at, with Colton making cookies and the two of them sitting on Colton’s bed when Artie admits that it felt like shit because Britt didn’t care about him and he’d hoped that maybe for even a few minutes he could feel like someone saw him and didn’t see the chair and like someone could just… like him, want him, care about him, anything

And here’s where we start getting into how Artie changed Colton’s life, bear with me for a tiny bit longer!

And Colton bumps their shoulders and goes “I care about you, Abrams” and Artie goes “sure but you don’t want to fuck me” and Colton goes “no, you just never asked”

It’s an extensive conversation because Artie is the only person who knows that Colton usually feels like people are just using him and he doesn’t want to be a part of that and Colton admits that as much as he cares about Santana, his first time left him feeling worthless and he’s never been able to shake that and he doesn’t want Artie to go through that too and “you’re one of my best friends, Artie, this is different because I know you care about *me* more than you care about my dick and it sounds dumb but it does make all the difference and *of course* we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to but I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sincerely and entirely willing”

(Look, they have sex but it’s really about bromance, this is the ultimate bros being bros of all time)

Two bisexual men have sex and it’s the most emotional connection either of them has ever experienced but it’s also no homo idk what you want me to say

And it’s not that they had sex that changed Colton’s life, but the how of it all… it’s Colton having proper, healthy communication with someone. It’s Artie putting aside his sometimes toxic masculinity (and also Colton understanding why Artie is that way, that he’s compensating for the fact that so many people see his chair and don’t see him as a “real man” and that artie feels like he needs to fight so much harder to be taken seriously) because it’s *Colton*

I have this image in my head of them having a serious conversation (mostly led by Colton bc Consent is his thing) about what Artie wants and Artie has the urge to play it off and be a bit of a dick and consciously swallows that instinct to be vulnerable and honest with Colton

because he knows that even though Colton always seems calm and self assured, this is a lot of vulnerability for him too

And it’s so important because like, colton is very sincerely asking what artie is comfortable with and what he wants and is being very aware of not wanting artie to ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe because of his legs (and since he's not in his chair his mobility is so limited) and also like... they don't talk about it but colton knows that the chair fucks with artie's self image and self worth and he wants artie to call the shots and decide what's best for him

and artie *hates* feeling like colton can see right through him. Sometimes it's comforting but right now he feels so naked and there's still a part of him that feels like colton will laugh or take back his offer if he gives a wrong answer and he wants to feel hot and confident and not awkward and self conscious so he wants to push, to lash out, to expose colton's vulnerabilities like how colton is doing to him

but he *knows*

he knows why colton is asking and he knows how vulnerable colton is being by even offering and he *does* appreciate that colton is asking and not making assumptions or just focusing on what he might want

so he swallows those biting comments and admits that he's nervous and unsure and tries to open up about his feelings and what he wants and his questions instead

even things like colton not being overbearing but asking artie if he's comfortable when they start talking, "would you rather be in your chair?", shifting to leave a bit of space between them until artie sort of nudges him with his shoulder and he knows that means "it's okay”

artie making sure to emphasize that this isn't about just having sex but it's about *colton* and there's no one else he trusts this much and colton is one of his best friends and just reinforcing colton's value as a person?

And really that’s how Artie changed Colton’s life. It’s the first time that Colton has really understood that that’s how it *should* feel, that he deserves to feel like the person he’s with actually loves and values him and *cares*, that it should be a two way street, that he should be wanted and not used. And it’s a game changer, and changes his approaches to relationships, and gives him the confidence to start having boundaries and it’s slow going, but he would never have reached that point if not for Artie, and that is how Artie changed his life