#the entire game now takes place inside the dmv

[psykhic]

need my phone to stop correcting dmc to dmv

[qitwrites]

a numbers game 

Fandom: BNHA 

Pairing: Kiribaku 

(AO3) 

Bakugou knows his personality and general rage-filled disposition towards everything, in general, isn’t winning him any favours, but the texts have made him contemplate just how shitty he must’ve been in a past life to deserve a fate like this.

Because no one - and Bakugou knows such assholes as Monoma - but no one deserves to be on the receiving end of unsolicited dick pics. From random numbers. At all times of the day. For the last 3ish months.

“I am going to throw my phone out the fucking window, I swear on all that is good and pure, fucking bull-“

“More dick pics?” Camie interrupts with a wide grin, plucking the phone out of Bakugou’s hand.

“What the fuck else?” Bakugou snaps, trying to pull his phone back in vain. Camie holds it just out of reach, eyeing the disgusting penis with a critical stare.

"Hmm,” she says, passing the phone back to him before taking a sip of her terrible grass juice that smells like a badly mowed golf course, “the lighting is bad and he hasn’t done like, any grooming at all. 3/10.”

“You’re being generous,” Bakugou huffs, deleting the picture immediately and swallowing the still raging urge to fling his phone at the nearest wall. “It’s unsolicited. And his fingernails are fucking filthy. -100/10.”

Camie rolls her eyes. “You’re being dramatic again Kitkat.”

Bakugou counts to 10 in his head, tries to find that last shred of patience he knows is somewhere deep in his dark pit of a soul and breathes out in a rush.

“I need to fucking figure this out before I actually lose it and track down one of these fuckers and choke the life out of them.”

Because here’s the thing- Bakugou has been receiving dick pics and dirty text messages like hi bby want sex? and imma dick you down gud boo – he’s positively swooning, what a lovely way to be wooed – and he has no idea how to stop it. Yes, he could cancel his number and get a new one, but all of his bank details are linked to this one. He’s had it since he first got a phone in middle school, and now all of his documents are attached to the damn thing. The very idea of going to the banks and the DMV and every other stupid establishment to get it changed makes him grimace hard enough that he decides to bear with it.

Except, every time he receives one of these horrible pictures, his urge to blow up the phone, nay, the entire world, simmers at dangerous levels.

“Cool it kitkat,” Camie croons, giving his forearm a squeeze, “you’re making your homicidal face. That cannot be good for wrinkles.”

“Like I give a fuck,” Bakugou grunts, flinging his phone away carelessly and watching it skitter around on the kitchen counter before halting dangerously close to the edge. “I just want it to stop.”

Camie puts her atrocity for a drink down and pulls the fridge open, rummaging around as she says, “I have a theory about all this.” She pulls out a jar of jalapenos and places it in front of Bakugou. The blonde yanks a fork out of the admittedly cute utensil bucket in the middle of their counter before snapping the lid off and spearing a good 3 pieces in one go. He chews on them slowly and directs a raised brow at Camie.

“Well,” she muses, picking her drink back up, “as a woman that receives a LOT of numbers from guys and gals and non-binary folks alike-“ Bakugou makes it a point to roll his eyes hard enough to knock his head back; Camie’s laughter is loud and boisterous “- I have a tactic for when I don’t know how to say no and don’t want to give my digits.”

Bakugou has another forkful of jalapenos in his mouth when he narrows his eyes at her.

Camie shrugs, “I usually change the very last digit of my number. Works like a charm. I never meet the person again, and they can’t contact me. Win-win.”

“Win-win my ass,” Bakugou seethes. “Do I look like I’m winning right now? I am this fucking close to killing someone, because of stupid tactics like yours.”

Camie finishes the last of her drink, and speaks around her straw, “You say that, but do you know how many people, and especially dudes, don’t take no for an answer? The only reason I give out any digits at all is when I can’t guarantee my safety. I know it’s not like, the perfect solution or anything, but I’m giving you facts right now.”

And Bakugou does, in fact, know that. He’s met those pushy assholes- people that don’t back down, people that don’t take no at face value, people that push and prod and get up in his space. It pisses him off to absolutely no end.

“Whatever,” he concedes. He spears another forkful of jalapenos before grumbling, “So, what the fuck do I do?”

Camie grins, minx like. “Why don’t you text the number one ahead and one behind your own and ask? I mean, in the best-case scenario you figure it out and get it all to stop, in the worst case, you get to yell at like random people. Isn’t that your second favourite pastime, right after yelling at that pigeon outside our balcony, the one with an agenda?”

“Don’t talk about that fucking pigeon,” Bakugou fumes, “fucking piece of shit bird and those dark, robotic eyes. Something is up with that; you can’t convince me otherwise.” He mulls over the rest of her suggestion before relenting, “Well, I guess I could spare a moment to yell at the fucking extras giving out my number to perverts with no manners and gross penises.”

“I find it so funny when you say the word manners,” Camie says as she walks to her room, “It’s almost like you know what it means!”

She isn’t even looking at him, but she manages to dodge the jalapeno that sails at her head. It hits the wall with a sick squelch, and when Bakugou hears Camie’s door shut, he drops his head on the counter with a loud, resounding thunk and muffles a scream into the marble.

  He forgets to send out those texts, and when he receives yet another picture, not three days later, of someone holding their disgusting penis in their hand, like it’s an accomplishment or some shit, he sends out a text message to two different numbers typed with shaky, sweaty fingers.

>> xxx-xxx-xxx6 , xxx-xxx-xxx4

I don’t know who the fuck you are, and you don’t know me, but it’s possible that one of you assholes gives out my number to random people who, in turn, send me fucking dick pics. It’s been over 3 fucking months, so knock it the actual fuck off. And in case it isn’t you, fuck you anyway.

  Bakugou wakes up from a restless sleep to sunlight sloping in through the blinds of his room, a dry mouth, and three new text messages from an unknown number.

Because his brain takes time to boot up in the mornings, he foregoes the phone entirely and makes his way to the kitchen in search of caffeine. Camie is always up before him, and he gratefully pours himself a mug of her insanely strong black coffee, the kind to palpitate your heart and make you vibrate in your seat. She calls it jet fuel, Inasa calls it death, Todoroki just blinks.

When he’s half a mug down, he finally retrieves his phone from his room and takes a seat in the balcony, surrounded by plants of all kinds. The sun is bright but not harsh, and he takes a second to enjoy it before opening his messages.

He doesn’t even recall sending the messages last night, and for a moment he’s enraged at the idea that someone sent him even more dick pics, but there’s no photos waiting for him, just three messages.

xxx-xxx-xxx4 omg omg OMG I didn’t think anyone actually used this number im sorry D:

xxx-xxx-xxx4 no really im so so sorry holy shit I was just following this idea that my friend gave me cause im terrible at turning people down but I didn’t realize they were messaging an actual other person OMG

xxx-xxx-xxx4 ofc I wont be giving your number out anymore im just so sorry bro, god, this is so damn UNMANLY of me

At least the person has the decency to sound apologetic. Not that it tempers Bakugou in any way, shape or form, but he takes note of it somewhere in the distant recesses of his mind.

Bakugou you better not give it out anymore fuckmunch. I should sue your ass for putting me under so much psychological distress.

The guy replies startlingly quickly. Bakugou opens the message with a quirked brow.

xxx-xxx-xxx4 shit can you actually do that?

Bakugou has no idea, but the key to selling anything is confidence, and he’s got enough to spare.

Bakugou try me

xxx-xxx-xxx4 IM REALLY REALLY SORRY OK TRULY D:

xxx-xxx-xxx4 and not just cuz you might sue me or anything, it was a terrible move on my part :’(

xxx-xxx-xxx4 can I make it up to you somehow??

Bakugou huffs, deflating a little. He’s angry yes, positively incensed for the most part, but the guy sounds genuinely sorry, and he’s finding it increasingly difficult to stay mad at someone that’s just being so damn decent and taking full responsibility.

Bakugou I don’t fucking know.

Bakugou just stop giving out my no.

Bakugou I swear to god if I get ONE MORE NUDE

Bakugou I will find you

xxx-xxx-xxx4 you don’t have to find me ill come to you

xxx-xxx-xxx4 cuz ill def deserve it at that point

xxx-xxx-xxx4 anyway, im sorry again. really ☹

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I gotta get some sleep, so tell me later about how I can make it up to you!!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 goodnight

Bakugou checks the clock at the top left corner of his phone screen. It reads 8:31am.

What the fuck does this guy do for work anyway? And does Bakugou care?

He decides no, he doesn’t, because he’s really too busy to care about anything, especially assholes that hand out his number to horny strangers because they’re too chickenshit to say no.

He nods at his own conclusion, downs the rest of his death-in-a-cup, and walks back inside, ready to start another long day of work. Bakugou gives himself an hour before he puts this all behind him, fully forgotten and finally taken care of.

  Why the fuck haven’t I blocked this fucker yet, is the first thing Bakugou thinks when he gets more texts from them.

xxx-xxx-xxx4 heyyo!!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 did you think of anything????? How can I make it up to you??

Bakugou stop texting me, that’ll be a great start

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I will as soon as u tell me how to make it up to you!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I was being so unmanly and cowardly, I need to fix it!!

Bakugou good for fucking you, leave me alone

xxx-xxx-xxx4 y don’t you keep thinking abt it and lemme know !!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 if it helps, I can hook u up with some free drinks!! I co-own and bartend at a place downtown!!!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 just think abt it

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I gotta get back to work, talk soon!

Bakugou stop texting me dammit

Bakugou isn’t a naïve person, but he somehow convinces himself that this will be the end of things.

  It is, predictably, not the end of things.

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I just realized I didn’t give u my name

xxx-xxx-xxx4 Kirishima eijirou!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 and you are?

Bakugou blocking you

xxx-xxx-xxx4 aww come on man, don’t be like tht ☹

xxx-xxx-xxx4 wait, r u a man?????

xxx-xxx-xxx4 PLEASE AT LEAST TELL ME THAT I DON’T WANT TO MISGENDER U OMG

Bakugou can you calm the fuck down holy shit

Bakugou yes I’m a dude, you’re fucking fine dumbass

xxx-xxx-xxx4 oh phew!!!!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 ok my dude

xxx-xxx-xxx4 please come down to the bar??????

xxx-xxx-xxx4 do you actually drink though?? If you don’t we still have great mocktails

xxx-xxx-xxx4 and I can whip up some awesome protein shakes

xxx-xxx-xxx4 ohhh and our food is bomb,,, I promise

Bakugou do you ever just stop talking

xxx-xxx-xxx4 NOPE :D

Bakugou Not a compliment

xxx-xxx-xxx4 what can I say

xxx-xxx-xxx4 im an opportunist

Bakugou you’re telling me

Bakugou fucker

xxx-xxx-xxx4 IM STILL SO SORRY

xxx-xxx-xxx4 PLEASE COME TO THE BAR LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU

xxx-xxx-xxx4 actions speak hella louder than words

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I must action you

Bakugou what the fuck 

xxx-xxx-xxx4 you get what I mean!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 <location> this is the place

xxx-xxx-xxx4 its name is RIOT, u cant miss it

xxx-xxx-xxx4 just lemme know when u can make it

Bakugou I haven’t agreed to shit asshole

Bakugou stop assuming things

xxx-xxx-xxx4 free food, free drinks, free live performance of whatever band’s performing

Bakugou …………………

Bakugou I’ll think about it

xxx-xxx-xxx4 HELL YEAH

xxx-xxx-xxx4 whats your name btw?

Bakugou like id tell you

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I need it for the reservation!!!!

xxx-xxx-xxx4 so that I don’t accidentally serve the wrong gentleman all your free perks

Bakugou didn’t say im coming yet

xxx-xxx-xxx4 im super optimistic

Bakugou I can tell, you’re giving me a headache

xxx-xxx-xxx4 so………… name?

Bakugou no

xxx-xxx-xxx4 I’ll get it out of you eventually

Bakugou try me

Bakugou fucker

If Bakugou finds himself smiling at the end of the exchange, well, that’s his business.

  “So, you finally figured out who was responsible for the penis pictures?” Todoroki deadpans around his cosmo.

“That’s wonderful Bakugou!” Inasa booms, slamming his beer down on the counter with gusto. Bakugou throws a spoon at him.

“Shut it Baldy,” he grunts, going back to chopping veggies. “And yes, I did, but now this fucker won’t stop texting me, insisting on making it up to me or some shit.”

“And this is a bad thing?” Todoroki summarizes slowly. Bakugou turns around in time to see him mouth why to Inasa before taking another generous sip of his drink. Inasa shrugs his stupidly large shoulders before asking, “Why is that a bad thing?”

Bakugou throws another spoon at him. “Because, I texted them so I could stop people from texting me. Now this person’s volunteering information to me about being a bartender and shit and constantly apologizing and it’s fucking annoying.”

“You know what’s interesting?” Camie muses, stirring her bloody mary with a long ass celery stick. “You’re getting all these text messages from this bartender, and you can like, so easily block this one number and be done with it, but you like, keeping responding. And keep, you know, not blocking.”

He can’t see it, but he knows Todoroki is nodding, the fucker.

“That is a good observation!” Inasa booms again, and Bakugou has to resist the urge to fling his entire cutlery set at the man’s thick skull. “Do you like this person Bakugou?”

“What’s there to like, I don’t even fucking know him!”

“Well,” Camie starts, takes a bite out of the celery stick, continues, “he’s well-mannered. Clearly good looking, because you got a LOT of penis pictures these past three months, and that also leads us to believe the business is doing really well, if so many patrons come in begging for a number. All good things, don’t you think?”

“I hate you,” Bakugou says, stirring the curry with barely repressed rage. “I hate all of you. I hate humanity. Fuck people.”

“Or fuck this person in specific,” Camie says gleefully. “You haven’t gotten laid in like 8 months boo, you need to get some.”

“You’re the actual fucking worst.”

“In all seriousness,” Todoroki interrupts, putting his empty glass down delicately, “why haven’t you blocked the number? It seems like an easy enough solution.” The asshole has the audacity to sound genuinely curious, if not slightly amused.

Bakugou hates everything.

“I don’t, I don’t fucking know, ok?” He finally admits through clenched teeth. The blonde kills the heat and places the curry on the counter while Camie brings out the rice and some pickled vegetables from the fridge. She pulls out a beer and twists the cap off before handing it to Bakugou, who snatches it away and takes a quick swig before continuing, “He’s actually kinda nice to me, I guess. And I like watching him be so sorry about all those penises. I may have also mentioned suing him for psychological distress.” Bakugou catches Todoroki’s gaze. “Can I do that?”

Todoroki hums, “You can try, but I don’t think you’ve got that solid a case. Plus, haven’t you deleted virtually all the evidence?”

Bakugou grips the neck of his beer bottle harder. “I fucking hate everything.”

  bartender asshole <image attached>

Bakugou what the fuck

Bakugou why are you sending me cat pics?

Bakugou also that cat is stupidly cute

bartender asshole I know right?????

bartender asshole her name is ruby

bartender asshole and id die for her

bartender asshole i just figured ud be a cat person

Bakugou ………….

Bakugou I hate u

bartender asshole :D :D :D

Bakugou ugh

Bakugou Bakugou Katsuki

bartender asshole :D :D :D :D :D

bartender asshole HI BAKUGOU SO NICE TO KNOW UR NAME

Bakugou I hate everything

bartender asshole except ruby. Its not allowed

Bakugou …………………………………

Bakugou except ruby

bartender asshole :D :D :D :D :D

  Kirishima, it turns out, is a ray of fucking sunshine. Bakugou has a distinct feeling that looking at him directly would be a blinding experience.

Not that he knows who to look for though; he has no idea what this guy looks like. He guesses that he’s buff, with all the times he tells Bakugou about the gym showers running out of hot water and beating his best weights doing bench presses, but he knows nothing else.

He does know that he’s sweet as fuck, making it impossible for Bakugou to stay mad at him. He doesn’t blink at Bakugou’s cussing, and he sends him cute pictures of Ruby.

There is a part of him, small but steadily growing, that wants to meet this stupidly nice bartender.

Bakugou hates everything.

  dumbass bartender so what do you do???

Bakugou front-end development and web design

dumbass bartender oh damn!!!

dumbass bartender so youre like smart smart

Bakugou obviously

dumbass bartender have I seen your work anywhere??

Bakugou I recently redid the website of that protein powder company you don’t shut up about

dumbass bartender ????????????????????

dumbass bartender that’s amazing!!!!!!!!!

dumbass bartender I just revisited the website, it looks so cool

Bakugou duh

Bakugou im the best

dumbass bartender I don’t doubt that!!! :D :D

Bakugou don’t you have work?

dumbass bartender aww bakubro are you looking out for me <3 <3

Bakugou call me that again and I will fucking end you

dumbass bartender before the free drinks??? That you are yet to redeem? ?? at my wonderful establishment?????????? :D :D :D

Bakugou I hate everything.

dumbass bartender D:

Bakugou except RUBY DAMMIT

dumbass bartender :D

  “Just to recap,” Kaminari says with an incredulous look in his eyes, “this guy cusses like a sailor, is constantly insulting you, never initiates conversation, and you still like him?”

Kirishima’s answering grin is bashful. “I mean, when you put it like that it sounds not so great, but he’s really not that bad! He’s super funny and confident, and he LOVES Ruby. Plus, I don’t like him like that, I just think he’s cool.” Kirishima picks up another glass from the washer and starts carefully drying it with his dishcloth before saying, “And, you know, I did put him through a lot by giving out his number. His behaviour is kinda warranted if you ask me.”

“I mean, in the beginning maybe, but haven’t you guys been texting for over a week now?”

“Denki, are you forgetting that giving out another number was your idea?” Kirishima mutters, narrowing his eyes at his best friend. “I’m in this mess because of you.”

Kaminari suddenly seems to find the glass in his hand a lot more interesting. Kirishima’s laugh echoes around the empty bar.

‘What’s so funny?” Ashido muses, bringing a crate of bottled beer behind the counter.

“Kirishima is going gaga over angry dick pic man.”

“I’m not going gaga, what the heck-“

“I think it’s cute,” Ashido says with a big smile. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you actually be interested in somebody; it’s really cute!”

“I don’t like him like that,” Kirishima stresses, though his cheeks are a little warm. He can blame that on the lack of air conditioning, he thinks. 

“We talking about angry dick pic man?” Sero asks with a shit-eating grin. “10 bucks say he’s actually a middle-aged guy with a cheese fetish.”

“That’s so random-“

“You’re on!” Ashido yells, slapping her hand into Sero’s. “I think he’ll be a hottie.”

“He hasn’t even said he’ll come,” Kirishima says, eyes downcast.

“He’ll come,” the three chorus, going about doing their tasks. Kirishima shakes his head fondly and finishes up with the glasses. Just as he’s put all the shot glasses away, he feels his phone vibrate.

Bakubro just finished a massive project

Bakubro could use a drink this weekend

Bakubro know any good spots?

Kirishima’s face breaks into the biggest smile as he rushes to answer.

Kirishima I know a bar that serves free drinks with your name on it!!!!

Kirishima amazing food, dope music, the bestest drinks

Kirishima ive heard the bartender is a great guy too

Bakubro way to toot your own fucking horn damn

Kirishima :DDDDD

Kirishima bt seriously

Kirishima please? ???? ??

Kirishima PLEASEEEEEEEEE??????????????????

Bakubro ugh

Bakubro fine.

Bakubro Friday night at 8

Kirishima looks up from the screen and calls out, “Denki!”

“Yeah?”

“Switch shifts with me, I’ll do Friday.”

“Um, ok, why though?”

Kirishima doesn’t respond, just goes back to texting, his heart thudding in his ribcage.

Kirishima YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Kirishima cant wait :D

Bakubro I’m bringing my stupid friends btw

Kirishima wait

Kirishima you have friends???????

Bakubro I am going to end you

Bakubro you know what? Fuck you im not coming

Kirishima BAKUGOU NO

Kirishima IM SORRY OFC U HAVE FRNDS

Kirishima please come

Kirishima how big a table should I reserve????

Bakubro don’t bother

Kirishima IM SORRRYYYYYYYYYY

Kirishima <image attached> <image attached> <image attached>

Bakubro bastard

Bakubro you playing dirty by sending me pics of Ruby

Kirishima need to weaken your guard somehow

Kirishima pls tell me it worked

Bakubro ugh

Bakubro ill be there

Bakubro reserve a table for 4

Bakubro your stupid bar better be worth it

Kirishima I promise it will be!!!!

Kirishima whoops in joy, slipping his phone back into his pocket. He looks up to see three sets of eyes looking at him with varying degrees of amusement.

“You get a really mushy look on your face when you’re texting him, it’s almost gross,” Sero points out with a laugh.

“Hush you,” Ashido admonishes, whipping her dishcloth at him. She walks over to Kirishima and gives him a big hug. “I think it’s very, very precious.”

“What did he say?”

“He’s coming this Friday!” Kirishima beams, holding Ashido closer against his side.

The three giggle.

“10 bucks say Kirishima messes up the drinks at least once.”

“HEY!”

Ashido squeezes around his middle. “Hon, I love you, but I’m not dumb enough to go against that.”

“HEY!”

They end up laughing and fibbing at each other for the rest of the prep time, and Kirishima feels his heart absolutely soar.

  Friday brings with it crunch time, running lines and lines of code, having a mini-breakdown because the stupid text block keeps floating around on the webpage like it’s in outer fucking space, being forced into one of Camie’s ridiculous vlogs and having an existential crisis about what to wear on a non-date get-together with the guy that ruined Bakugou’s life for close to three months.

Camie spends most of the day laughing at him. Bakugou throws more condiments at her.

“Fucking help me at least, you useless wench,” Bakugou growls, shifting to clothes as he throws a pair of jeans at her. Camie dances out of the way and doubles over, laughing till she tears up from the force of it all.

“I can’t, I just can’t,” she wheezes. “Did you just say wench? What era are you from babe?”

“FUCK OFF,” he roars, leaping towards her. Camie shrieks and ducks away, making a beeline towards his closet.

“Ok, ok, let’s get you dressed! What kinda look are you trying for?”

“Fuck if I know,” he grouses, feeling oddly out of his depth. He wants to look good, but he has no idea for what.

That’s a lie, he knows why. He just won’t admit it.

“Well, why don’t we pick something simple but flattering? Plus, if it's in your style, you’re bound to be more comfy.” Camie pulls out a pair of black jeans that are ripped at the knees, a black fitted round-neck tee shirt, and some black boots. While he’s changing, Camie pulls out a silver chain, some bands for his wrists and a collection of rings.

“Do you want me to do your eyes?” she offers, holding up some mascara and an eye pencil. Bakugou shrugs and sits on the edge of his bed. Camie’s smile is soft as she stands between his thighs, gently but efficiently applying his make-up. When she’s done, he walks over to the mirror to look at himself, and he has to admit- he looks good. Always one to take care of his body and his figure, Bakugou is lean muscle packed into a 5’10” body. His blonde hair is as messy as ever, but the combination of his make-up, the accessories and his clothes give him an edgy look like no other. Camie throws a dark fitted jacket at him before sauntering over to her own room.

He continues to reply to some work emails when his phone buzzes.

dumbass cant wait to see you!!!

dumbass just ask for me at the bar

dumbass or I might be the one to greet you!! :D :D

Bakugou I know dumbass

Bakugou what, are you nervous or some shit?

dumbass I mean, kinda????

dumbass it’s our first time meeting afterall

dumbass I don’t even know wat you look like!!!!

Bakugou blonde wearing all black

dumbass redhead wearing a shirt with the riot logo!

Bakugou whatever

Bakugou ill be there at 8

Dumbass cant wait <33333

Bakugou dumbass

Bakugou scoffs, his own nerves calming at the thought that he’s not the only one that’s a bit out of sorts. It’s nice to know that sunshine Kirishima is jittery about all this.

Also, interesting to know that he’s a redhead. Bakugou can’t quite imagine it, but in a few minutes, he won't need to.

His stomach roils with anticipation, and Bakugou hates every single thing.

Camie pops out of her room at half-past 7 in a maroon romper that cuts above her mid-thigh, hair done in a loose bun, makeup absolutely perfect. Her heels put her at a height taller than Bakugou, but he’s gotten used to being the shortest in their stupid posse. Doesn’t piss him off any less though.

She gets a phone call just as she pushes a tube of lip gloss into her purse.

“We are downstairs!” Inasa’s voice rings through her speaker, stupidly loud.

“Can it, baldy,” Bakugou grunts with a roll of his eyes, “we’ll be there in a sec.”

“See ya!”

Before Bakugou can usher Camie out the door, she pushes her clutch into his hands and walks over to the kitchen cabinet, pulling out two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila.

“Wha-“

“Liquid courage, my dude,” she says, pouring two generous shots and pushing one at Bakugou. She picks her own glass up and gives him a devilish smirk, “Bottoms up bitch!”

Bakugou picks the glass up with a resigned sigh but smirks back equally devilish. They cheers, smack the glasses against the counter and drain them smoothly. Camie puts the glasses in the sink, places a smacking kiss on Bakugou’s cheek and laughs brightly as she dances out of the way of his rage.

They finally load up in Inasa’s range rover, Todoroki plays classical Japanese music over the speakers and Bakugou regrets everything.

  Riot is apparently something of a beloved establishment in its neighbourhood, and Bakugou growls when he sees how long the line leading to the bar is.

“Holy moly, that’s a lot of people!” Camie points out helpfully as she disembarks from the car.

Todoroki straightens his two-tone denim jacket and runs a hand through his hair as he says, “We have a reservation, so I think it’ll be fine?”

“Yes, I agree with you Todoroki,” Inasa beams, locking the car behind him as they walk towards the building. The outside is made of exposed brick and neon lights, and the RIOT sign is a deep red colour, eye-catching and beautiful.

They bypass the people in the line and walk up to the bouncer, who eyes them warily. He’s built like an absolute tank, broad and block-like, and his silver hair shines in the artificial light.

“Can I help you?”

“Bakugou, table for 4,” Camie says cheerily. The bouncer looks immediately enamoured with her before his eyes go wide.

“Wait, Eijirou’s Bakugou?”

Bakugou’s ears burn at that.

“I’m not fucking anybody’s!” he snaps. The bouncer immediately looks at him, and his face breaks into an even wider grin.

“Well, I’ll be damned! Can I see some ID real quick?”

Bakugou cusses colourfully under his breath but pulls out his license, and after a quick check, the bouncer, whose name is Tetsutetsu, steps aside to let them in.

“Have a good time!” he says happily, almost too happily. Bakugou feels his hackles rise.

“What the fuck?”

“It appears that Kirishima talks about you at least as much as you talk about him,” Todoroki observes, walking next to Bakugou.

“I don’t talk about him, fuck you!”

Todoroki’s delicately raised brow makes him want to punch something. Or someone. Preferably both.

“Fuck you all,” he reiterates before stomping inside.

Now, Bakugou is a relatively creative soul – his job kinda demands it – so it’s not his fault that he’s actually quite captivated by the interiors of this stupidly popular bar co-owned by a stupidly nice person.

The inside has exposed brick as well, and most of the furniture seems to be retro. There are large pipes and barrels behind the bar, made of what seems to be pure copper. Black marble covers the bar tops, and the lights are a mix of neon and muted whites, bright enough to see but still bathing the room in an alluring aura. There’s music thumping through the speakers, loud enough to dispel any silence but still at a bearable volume.

“Swanky,” Camie whistles, taking it all in.

Bakugou nods begrudgingly before setting his eyes on the bar.

“I’ll go get us a fucking table,” he mutters before walking over, hands digging deep into his pant pockets. He sees a lanky black-haired guy and a girl with tan skin and pink hair behind the bar, talking animatedly with the patrons as they serve them drinks at a dizzying pace.

When he finally gets a spot at the counter, the pink-haired girl finishes up with a customer and bounds over to him.

“Hi,” she greets, smile wide and happy, “haven’t seen you around before! What can I get you?”

“Kirishima,” Bakugou says because apparently, his brain to mouth filter has decided to abandon him in his time of need. The girl tilts her head in confusion and Bakugou feels the life drain out of him.

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m fuckin here because of dumbass Kirishima,” Bakugou barely grits out, fingers digging into his palms painfully. “The name is Bakugou, table for 4?”

He sees it all in slow-mo- the way her mouth goes slack, the way her eyes light up like firecrackers on New Year’s, and then the way her smile becomes positively blinding. He hates her already.

“Holy shit,” she breathes, “of course! So glad you’re here! Oye, Sero?”

“What?” the black-haired guy says without looking, topping up a perfectly poured glass of beer.

“You owe me 10 bucks.”

This gets his attention- he hands the drink off and looks at her, “Why would I-“

The girl just gestures at Bakugou and winks, “It’s him.”

Sero – or plain face, Bakugou’s brain helpfully supplies – immediately looks at him, his eyes widening. “Shit, seriously? Aw, man.” His smile becomes mischievous. “I’ll get Kirishima.” He opens the door behind the bar and disappears.

“What the fuck was that?” Bakugou snaps, beyond irritated to be so out of the loop.

“Nothing, nothing,” Pinky sings, raising her hands in a placating gesture. “Kirishima will show your party to your table. Do you want anything in the meantime?”

“… a beer,” Bakugou concedes because he’s not dumb enough to not get a drink before he sees Kirishima if he can help it.

“Coming right up!”

He waits at the bar, watching as his group of dumbasses ooh and ahh at the place, looking delighted. A bottle of cold beer hits the counter with a satisfying thunk, bringing his attention back to the bartop.

“Enjoy!” Pinky still has a stupid smile on her face but before Bakugou can say anything, the door behind her is thrown open and plain face steps out.

“The restocking can wait, literally the only thing you’ve talked about for the last 3 days is finally happening.”

The guy following him is all tanned skin and thick muscles under a fitted deep red tee shirt. His hair is a bright unnatural red, pulled into a high pony with a few strands still framing his face. His eyes are a softer red than Bakugou’s own, his cheeks sharp and high, and when his eyes meet Bakugou’s, a zip of electricity races down his spine and along his limbs till he can feel it in his toes.

When the man makes his way over, Bakugou also notes how damn tall he is- easily around 6’4”. His smile is shy, and he smells like sandalwood.

“Bakugou, hi,” he breathes, hesitantly holding his hand out. Bakugou takes it in a daze, still amazed by just how stupidly beautiful this stupidly kind bar owner is.

“Heyyo, you disappeared fam, how’s it going?” 

Bakugou hates everything.

He reluctantly slips his hand out of Kirishima’s warm, firm grip and turns to Camie with venomous eyes. “I literally just met him Cam, shut the fuck up.” He turns back to Kirishima, “Can you show us to our table?”

Kirishima shakes his head once before his smile turns blinding, and Bakugou finds himself fighting the urge to shield his eyes. “Of course,” he says in a voice that’s deep and warm and honey-like, “right this way!”

Bakugou snags his beer off the counter and takes a quick swig before Camie steals it and takes a few sips of her own. He growls at her but otherwise behaves, watching Kirishima’s back as he leads them through throngs of people engaged in cheerful conversation.

“Ok, well, he’s hot,” Cam says around the lip of the bottle. “Total beefcake. Whaddya think, boo?”

“I think you should fuck off,” Bakugou hisses, his face burning.

“If you wanted to go on a date, you probably shouldn’t have invited us,” Todoroki says, taking the offered bottle from Camie. 

Before Bakugou can explode in their faces, Kirishima stops and turns around. “Here ya go!” He gestures to a table behind him, tucked into a more private corner of the bar. It’s large and cushy, and when Bakugou gets in after Camie, he’s surprised at how soft the material is.

“So?” Kirishima says, eyes trained on Bakugou.

“Fuckin what?” Bakugou snaps, voice lacking any heat.

Kirishima laughs, head thrown back to reveal a long, thick neck and Bakugou is so damn weak.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

Bakugou clicks his tongue before gesturing at each of them, “Camie, marketing expert by day, YouTube beauty vlogger by night, pain in my ass always. Todoroki, environmental lawyer and a soba obsessed weirdo. Inasa, physiotherapist and resident dumbass.”

Kirishima gives them all a wave before saying, “Kirishima, co-owner of Riot and the reason why Bakugou saw more unwarranted penises than strictly necessary in a lifetime.”

“Asshole,” Bakugou grumbles, earning him another laugh and a bashful hand ruffling the back of Kirishima’s head.

“Still so sorry about that man,” Kirishima offers, “everything’s definitely on the house for you all! Speaking of ordering-“ Kirishima moves on to explain their ordering system-

“You can scan the code with your camera app,” the redhead says, pointing at the barcode on the centrepiece of their table, “and it pulls up our bar and food menu. Just enter your order and your table number,” he points at the large digits on the side that glows a bright 15 back at them.

Inasa pulls his phone out to order. Before he leaves, Kirishima says, “Can I get your drink order before I go?”

Camie asks for a LIIT, Inasa gets a Soju bomb and Todoroki starts off with his usual- a cosmo.

“You good on that beer?” Kirishima asks Bakugou warmly, his eyes dancing with mirth.

“I’m fine,” he grumbles, sliding lower into his seat. “Maybe get me another, your choice?”

“Coming right up,” Kirishima beams before stepping away, and Bakugou’s heart splutters around his chest at the sight of sharp white teeth and cheek-aching grins.

“He’s so cute!” Camie squeals, stealing the last of his beer. “And he’s totes into you too.”

“I have to agree, he’s very attractive,” Todoroki says impassively.

“Certified hottie,” Inasa rounds up, flashing his own biceps for some reason.

Bakugou is so done, and they’ve been here all 5 minutes.

  “Kirishim- Kirishima, the beer is overflowing,” Ashido says, pushing him away and taking over. “God, you’re so gone for him, it’s almost embarrassing.”

Kirishima snaps out of his stupor and moves to take the glass back. Ashido hip checks him away.

“You’re being a little stupid, go help Satou with plating and take the food to lover boy’s table.”

“He has a name, you know,” Kirishima mumbles, but Ashido simply laughs, and Kirishima feels his neck and ears go warm.

Because who let Bakugou walk into his bar looking like that? Looking so damn gorgeous in his all-black get up and his perfect eye make-up and that fierce scowl?

Kirishima’s heart had pretty much stopped at the sight of him, and it was yet to regain its usual rhythm.

The redhead rests his forehead against the wall and mumbles, “I’m so screwed.”

“We know buddy,” Sero says, patting his back sympathetically, “we know.”

  For all that Bakugou hates outings and people and outings in places filled with people, he finds himself having a moderately good time.

Because the food is delicious if lacking a little heat, the alcohol is mixed perfectly and the music is fantastic, filtering through old rock classics with some alt stuff mixed in.

And then there’s Kirishima- tending the bar with ease, laughing along with his co-workers, and sending Bakugou wide, happy smiles that sets his entire face on fire.

“This place is awesome,” Camie whoops, banging another shot glass on the table before knocking it back with ease. Todoroki joins her, his impassive face not so much as twitching at the taste of strong tequila before he bites into a lime. Inasa is already beer drunk, cheeks dusky as he hums along to the music.

“Insufferable,” Bakugou mumbles around his 4th-ish beer. He likes to keep up his grumpy act till his last shred of dignity melts away cause of the alcohol, and he’s probably pretty hit already because he lets Camie pull him into her side with her arm around his shoulder, his nose suddenly privy to the scent of her mellow perfume.

“I love you guys,” Camie beams, picking up her beer and waving it in front of her. Todoroki and Inasa clink their drinks against it, and Bakugou silently waves his own bottle around before downing it.

“You guys good on- oh my god, are you Camie? THE Camie?”

It’s Pinky at their table and her eyes are so comically wide that Bakugou can’t help his snort of laughter. He feels Camie straighten up, but her arm around him stays, holding him close.

“Define THE Camie,” she says with a smile in her voice.

“The beauty blogger that I’ve only been following for the last 3 years, holy shit I love your videos.” And then suddenly, her eyes narrow on Bakugou before she snaps her fingers. “NO WONDER YOU LOOK FAMILIAR! You’re the angry blonde in all her videos!”

“Haan? You wanna go pinky?” Bakugou growls, moving to stand up. Camie keeps him firmly by her side, her laughter shaking them both.

“That’s us!” Camie says. Bakugou finally fights his way out of her grip and throws her a withering look, or his drunken attempt at one anyway. She winks, and he fake gags. “I don’t get recognized in public all that often LOL, this is fun.”

“Did you just say LOL in a verbal fucking conversation?”

“What do you mean you don’t get recognized; you literally have like 3.2million subscribers.”

Camie ignores Bakugou and shrugs at Pinky. “I guess my primary demographic aint here fam. Speaking of which,” she thrusts her hand out, “what’s your name?”

“Ashido Mina,” she says, taking her hand firmly. Camie introduces her to the others, and Bakugou looks back at the bar, disappointed to see that he can’t find Kirishima.

“Can I top you guys off?” Kirishima says, suddenly right next to their table, effectively startling the shit outta Bakugou.

Camie chirps an affirmative, Todoroki asks for a water and checks to see if Inasa’s breathing as the big olf continues to sleep, curled up in the corner of the booth.

“And you Bakubro?”

“Don’t call me that,” Bakugou frowns before adding, “I should probably stop, I’m already kinda tipsy.”

“Lightweight,” Camie teases.

Bakugou gives her the stink eye. “Woman, the one time I tried keeping up with you, I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and you didn’t have so much as a hangover, so fuck off.”

“Seriously?” Kirishima says, eyes wide.

“That’s amazing,” Ashido murmurs, her smile crooked and dangerous.

Bakugou. Hates. Everything.

“He had no lasting liver damage, we’re all fine,” Camie reassures before diving into a conversation with Mina about beauty hacks and good mascara brands and global warming.

Kirishima leans close to Bakugou, bathing him in that warm sandalwood scent. “How about I get you some water and one last beer? A Hefeweizen?”

Bakugou turns to look at him, and his breath hitches in his throat when he notices how close they are, when he sees just how red Kirishima’s eyes are, how the heat seems to radiate off his skin. He exhales in a rush and looks away, answering with a jerky nod.

Kirishima gives his shoulder a friendly squeeze – he’s so warm, his hand is fucking huge – before walking to the bar and picking their stuff up.

When pinky finally meanders away from their table to serve other customers, Camie leans her head on Bakugou’s shoulder and says, “We’ll leave soon, ok?”

Bakugou nods again, leaning some of his weight back into her. Todoroki catches his eye and flashes him a warm, tipsy smile, and if he returns it with one of his own, well, he’s drunk out of his skull and has approximately no fucks to give.

  Long after putting Bakugou and his posse in a cab, before which they insisted on paying pretty much the entire tab since they ate and drank a LOT, Kirishima and the rest are cleaning up when Ashido whips him with her cleaning rag.

Kirishima looks at her with betrayed eyes, “Wha-“

“Ei, you better text him again.”

“About what?” Kirishima says glumly. “I did what I said I would do, and I promised to leave him alone after that.”

“Boy please,” Ashido scoffs, roughly wiping down one of the tables, “ya’ll made such gooey eyes at each other all night, plus I’m pretty sure he paid the entire tab just so you could keep up whatever façade you guys have going on to cover up the fact that you have INSANE chemistry with one another.”

“Yeah, the tension was palpable bro,” Sero chimes in, throwing an arm around his waist. “I think you should text him too. He seemed really amusing, and his whole group was a riot.”

Kirishima rolls his eyes at the pun but smiles at them, feeling a new burst of energy in his limbs.

“You guys are absolutely right! Worst case, he blocks me. At least I won’t have any regrets.”

“Yeah boy, get it with that optimism.”  

  Bakugou wakes up to a slight headache, a mouth that tastes like ash, and a profound sadness that settles atop his sternum, weighing him down and pressing him into his mattress.

He sees the glass of water on his bedside table with ibuprofen placed neatly next to it and downs them both without so much as a second thought. As his brain slowly comes back online, he takes a moment to finally navigate his messy feelings and comes to a crushing realization-

Kirishima doesn’t have to text him anymore.

The redhead had said that he’d leave him alone after making it up to him, and yes, it was Bakugou’s standoffish nature that got them into that situation in the first place. And yes, Bakugou had paid the tab mostly because it was too high a bill to be footed by the bar and Bakugou made bank, but also because a small, minuscule part of him hoped that the gesture would make Kirishima insist on another outing or something to ‘make it up to him'.

The blonde doesn’t even bother to acknowledge the fact that he forgave Kirishima almost two days into texting him.

He almost avoids his phone out of fear alone and makes it through a whole cup of coffee and 3 chapters into a novel recommended by Deku before finally picking up his phone to check for emails and notifications.

He expects none from Kirishima.

So, of course, there are 3 from the redhead.

Bakugou’s heart leaps to his throat and he can’t seem to unlock his phone quite fast enough.

fuck he’s cute hi Bakugou, thank you for coming last night!!!

fuck he’s cute it was actually really cool 2 finally meet you. U didn’t have to pay the tab tho :’D

fuck he’s cute bt since u did, I still owe u. can we figure it out later??? Also, what did you think of the place???

Bakugou dumbass

Bakugou you’ve got a swanky place, I’ll give you that. Food was fucking good too. could be spicier.  

Bakugou you got cam completely hooked

Bakugou and yeah, you better make it up to me later. Asshole.

Kirishima replies a few hours later, just as Bakugou finishes up a yoga routine that stretches out his back in the best way possible.

fuck he’s cute :D :D :D :D :D

fuck he’s cute can’t wait

fuck he’s cute <image attached>

fuck he’s cute ruby says hi

It’s a selfie this time, not a picture of just the kitty. Bakugou can appreciate how cute the mutt is, but for once, he has no attention to spare her. Not when Kirishima’s eyes are crinkling around the edges from how hard he smiles up at the camera, not when he’s wearing a tank top with relaxed arm holes, showing off bulging muscles and hints of ink, and not when just the mere thought of him makes Bakugou’s stomach flop around uncontrollably.

He barely manages to reply coherently.

Bakugou the only bright spot in this shitty world

He presses his phone to his forehead and quietly contemplates just how gay he is. Camie pets his head on the way to the kitchen.

  It takes Bakugou some time to get used to waking up to Good Morning texts and a stream of random thoughts from Kirishima all day. The flutter in his stomach disappears a few weeks into talking to the redhead, instead replaced by a bone-deep warmth that always manages to make him feel a little better.

dumbass kirishima GOOOOOOOD MORNING :D

dumbass Kirishima someone threw up on my fave shoes last night

Bakugou HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Bakugou suffer

dumbass Kirishima y u so mean to me ☹ ☹

Bakugou cause its fuckin hilarious

dumbass Kirishima ☹

Bakugou ugh

Bakugou <image attached> [it’s a picture of Bakugou’s balcony, and all his plants look vibrant green as the sun hits them just right]

dumbass Kirishima :D :D :D

dumbass Kirishima legit felt my serotonin just spike

dumbass Kirishima thxxxxxx

Bakugou whatever

Bakuguo dumbass

 ---

 Bakugou if I plan a murder can I count on your stupid muscles to help me move the body

dumbass Kirishima D:

dumbass Kirishima at least take me out to dinner b4 involving me in your crimes

dumbass Kirishima what a lack of manners

Bakugou stfu

dumbass Kirishima :”D :”D

dumbass Kirishima youre joking right?

dumbass Kirishima right??

dumbass Kirishima RIGHT?????

dumbass Kirishima BAKUGOU THIS IS A BAD TIME TO LEAVE ME HANGING BRO DO NOT DO THIS

Bakugou don’t call me bro

dumbass Kirishima THAT IS NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW

Bakugou lol I didn’t do shit dumbass don’t worry

Bakugou or did I?

dumbass Kirishima BAKUGOU NO

 ---

 dumbass Kirishima <image attached> [it’s a gym selfie; Kirishima is crouching in front of the mirror shirtless, hair pulled into a bun atop his head. He’s glistening with sweat, and he’s got a more serious look on his face. He’s not actively flexing any muscle, but the pose makes his thighs, calves and biceps bulge. One hand holds the phone, the other is resting on his bent knee]

dumbass Kirishima working on deez gainz

Bakugou what time do you usually workout

dumbass Kirishima depends on my schedule actually

dumbass Kirishima I prefer the morning, but when I take the late night shift I usually go be4 work the next day

Bakugou hmmm

Bakugou let me know

Bakugou maybe we can go together

dumbass Kirishima :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Bakugou ugh I changed my mind

dumbass Kirishima :D :D :D :D

dumbass Kirishima no takebacksies

Bakugou fucking fantastic

dumbass Kirishima :D :D :D

 ---

 “So, let me get this straight- you guys gym together at least once a week, you talk every day, your stomach flutters at the mere thought of him and Cam swears he’s making googly eyes at you all the time, and you still haven’t asked each other out yet?”

Bakugou flips his phone off, “Fuck off Deku, don’t be a little shit.”

Midoriya’s face morphs into an amused smile on the other end of their facetime call, “Are you being bashful Kacchan? That’s adorable.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“NOOOOO,” Midoriya bemoans dramatically. “I can’t believe I’m missing all this.”

“Yeah, well, who the fuck told you to teach kids English halfway across the world dumbass?”

“I miss you too Kacchan,” Midoriya beams, making a heart with his hands.

“I truly loathe you.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Midoriya puts a few papers away before sighing. “So?”

“So what?”

“So, are you going to make a move? How do you plan on doing it?”

“I don’t,” Bakugou ruffles his hair and ducks his head to hide his rapidly warming cheeks, “I’m not asking him out Deku, fuck that.”

“Why not?” the asshole whines, eyes wide and innocent. “You deserve happiness Kacchan. Plus, he seems like a really nice guy.” Midoriya leans forward and adds in a whisper, “I’ve heard he has a fantastic butt.”

Bakugou rolls his eyes and flips him off again, “Fuck off, you can’t say that without actually meeting him.”

“I’ll be back before then. You guys better be dating already when I get there.”

“Stop telling me what to do, shitty Deku!”

“Never Kacchan, that’s what you do for the people you love.”

“Ugh, how are you so gross when you’re so far away, I hate you.”

Midoriya’s laugh sounds tinny over the phone speaker, lacking its usual body and warmth. Bakugou huffs again before picking his novel back up to read.

“Hi Zuku,” Camie calls out from over Bakugou’s shoulder. “You need to come back soon and help me with Kitkat, he refuses to make the first move!”

“Butt out of my fucking love life, you freaks!”

“Can’t butt out of something that doesn’t exist Kats,” Camie deadpans.

Bakugou feels extremely justified in flinging a stress ball right at her. The kitchen fills up with raucous laughter, from his phone and from the person standing in front of him, and Bakugou thinks that adding a deeper, warmer laugh to the mix, coming from a specific redhead might not be the worst thing in the world.

  Kiri bakugouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Bakugou what?

Kiri just wanted to say hi <3

Bakugou wth

Kiri we still on fr the gym tomorrow?

Bakugou obviously you dumbass

Bakugou I need you to spot me

Bakugou im beating my personal best tomorrow or im going to die trying

Kiri so manly :O :O :O

Kiri I’ve got you bruh

Bakugou don’t call me that

Bakugou and I know you do

Kiri <3 <3

 ---

 Bakugou <link>

Bakugou that playlist you were asking about

Kiri u da bomb katsuki

Bakugou katsuki huh?

Bakugou getting cocky I see

Kiri I mean, weve known each other for like 4 months now???

Kiri ur one of my closest pals

Kiri I don’t have to, I just thought ud like it more than bro

Bakugou I do like it more than bro

Bakugou eijirou

Bakugou I guess ur not terrible

Eijirou ????

Eijirou did you just?? pay me????? A compliment??

Eijirou who r u and wat have you done to katsuki?

Bakugou fuck you

Bakugou just fuck you

Eijirou <3 <3 <3

  Bakugou wakes up one morning, approximately 5 months after meeting Kirishima for the first time, with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

His work goes smoothly. The coffee tastes potent and fresh, his body feels fine, his plants are thriving, Camie is busy with her own deadlines and therefore not bugging him, even the sun is mellow and warm; the perfect weather.

The pit in his stomach worsens with every hour.

It doesn’t help that all of his messages to Kirishima have gone unanswered; he hasn’t even been online all day. In the months that they’ve communicated, he’s never gone a day without texting the man, and now it’s like he fell off the face of the Earth.

When it gets closer to 6 in the evening, Bakugou decides to call if Kirishima doesn’t get in touch himself. Because the pit in his stomach is making him nauseous, and he needs to know if the redhead is ok if only for the sake of his own damn health.

He gets a call from an unknown number at 5:20 in the evening. The pit in his stomach becomes a yawning chasm as he picks up the call.

“Hello?”

“Bakugou, it’s Ashido, from the bar.”

Bakugou pulls in a deep breath. “Where is Kirishima?”

“Um, there was an incident last night, at Riot.” She sighs deeply before continuing, “Kiri got jumped in the alley outside by a bunch of really drunk homophobic assholes that saw him turn down some guy’s number. He actually fought them off for the most part, but he’s sustained a broken nose and some fractured ribs. We’re at the hospital right now.”

Bakugou sinks to the ground, his stomach plummeting with him. “Are you fucking serious right now? Fuck-“

“I’ll text you the hospital details, ok? I’m sorry we didn’t call sooner, between talking to his moms and the hospital folks, it slipped my mind.”

“I’ll be there,” Bakugou says, standing up on shaky feet and stumbling back to his room. “Just don’t leave him alone.”

“Never in a million years.”

They hang up and Bakugou changes, hails a cab, and gets to the hospital in a complete daze.

His affection for the redhead, brimming and spilling from every crevice, makes itself evident when he lays eyes on him in the hospital bed and feels a surge of protectiveness. He wants to kill the people that did this, he wants to gather Kirishima in his arms and hold him tight, he wants to crawl into bed with him and talk about stupid shit and see him smile again.

“He’s pretty high on pain meds right now,” Ashido says from somewhere behind him, pointing to his IV lines, “so he’s been saying really funny stuff. The doctors did a full evaluation and said he should recover completely in 5ish weeks.”

Bakugou nods and swallows thickly. Ashido squeezes his arm before leaving the hospital room, shutting the door behind her softly.

Kirishima hasn’t seen him yet, so Bakugou approaches his bed carefully before placing a hand on the guardrail. The noise pulls Kirishima’s attention towards him, and Bakugou’s gut tightens when those large, warm eyes go completely soft at the sight of him.

“Kassaki~” Kirishima slurs, his smile large and dopey.

“You absolute dumbass,” Bakugou chokes out, his hand moving from the rail to grip Kirishima’s tightly. Kirishima’s fingers twine with his own with practised ease and his smile turns gooey.

“Hi Kats, you look beautiful today.”

Bakugou half-laughs, half-sobs and rubs his eyes fiercely. Kirishima’s face is a bit bruised, and there’s a huge bandage on his nose, but he doesn’t look nearly as bad as Bakugou had first feared. The pit in his stomach finally calms, slowly loosening until he can breathe normally again.

“Shut up Eiji,” Bakugou grumbles, sitting down on the chair beside the bed. He leaves his hand in Kirishima’s.

“Ok,” Kirishima agrees easily. It takes 10 seconds for him to break the silence again.

“Hey Kats?”

“What?”

“Are we dating?”

Bakugou startles at that, eyes snapping over to Kirishima’s. He doesn’t look accusatory or hurt or weirded out or anything- merely curious.

“No, we’re not.”

“Oh.” Kirishima frowns, “Why not?”

Bakugou huffs out a small laugh, “Because we’re both idiots.”

“Oh,” the redhead says, then nods. “That kinda tracks.”

“HEY!”

Kirishima’s smile becomes dopey again, eyes crinkling in the most endearing way.

“I really like you Kats. You’re so smart and funny and you always smell like fabric softener, and you’re just like. Really pretty.”

Bakugou feels his face heat up completely, his grip on Kirishima’s hand tightening.

“Just rest, you dumbass,” Bakugou says weakly, his entire body too hot for comfort. He watches Kirishima’s smile become something warm and loving in a way that hits his heart, and he doesn’t let go of the redhead’s hand, right up until the end of visiting hours.

When he exits the hospital alongside Ashido, he feels the last of his energy drain.

“I cant believe we didn’t get to him sooner,” Ashido mumbles, rubbing at her eyes fiercely. “The bar was noisy, and he just wanted to dump out some trash. Hanta noticed he was gone a while before we went out back and found him punching the last dude.”

Bakugou purses his lips. Truth be told, he cant believe Kirishima had gotten so badly hurt so close to his own bar, and he’s pissed as fuck that the idiot brigade had even let it happen, but the sincerity in Ashido’s voice tugs at his chest painfully.

“I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” Bakugou laughs humorlessly. “He’ll probably say there’s nothing to forgive in the first place.”

Ashido’s laugh is hollow, “That’s our Eijirou.” She looks at Bakugou again. “You coming tomorrow?”

He flashes her his best sneer. “You best believe I’m going to come by every single fucking day till he’s discharged.”

Ashido’s smile becomes a little more genuine, a little more well-rounded.

“I’m really glad he has you.” Her voice goes all soft and gross as she continues, “You mean a LOT to him, in case you didn’t already know.”

“Fuck off,” Bakugou mumbles, before waving her off and walking away.

Because he does know.

He also knows he’s falling madly in love with him, and that he’s completely and utterly screwed.

And he finds that he really doesn’t mind all that much. Some people, he rationalizes, are worth the horrible butterflies and the too hot too cold feelings down the back of his spine.

Some people, he realizes, are worth loving with everything you’ve got.

  It takes Kirishima five weeks of house arrest to recover completely. Bakugou spends every weekday and a few of the weekends with him, staying over more often than not. He fusses over the redhead, forces him to take his medication on time, and cooks him everything under the sun.

“You’re spoiling me,” the redhead whines when Bakugou serves him what smells like the best mapo tofu he’s ever going to have.

The blonde grins triumphantly, “You’re damn right I am.”

They bicker and banter constantly, but they also curl up and marathon old bond movies at night. Kirishima goes over the bar’s paperwork while Bakugou works off his couch, and they take turns making the coffee. Ruby falls in love with Bakugou and curls up on his chest every chance she gets, and Bakugou laughs at Kirishima’s look of betrayal. The redhead’s couch is ridiculously comfortable, and he leaves his memory foam pillow with the blonde.

“You refuse to take my bed,” he grumbles, “so you damn well better accept my stupid pillow.”

Bakugou’s neck thanks the redhead profusely.

It’s new and weird, living with someone for the first time. Kirishima’s posse are in and out through the day, and Camie comes by just as often, bringing a change of clothes and gossip with her. Todoroki drops in with some high-quality tequila sometimes and Inasa brings his infectious energy, and through all of this, Kirishima remains in high spirits, even if he goes a little stir crazy sometimes.

It’s new and it’s weird, going from casual touches to more loving ones, more comforting ones. It becomes commonplace for Bakugou to rest his head between Kirishima’s shoulder blades on the days that he has a bad time at work. It’s normal for Kirishima to place his head on Bakugou’s lap while they watch shark documentaries. It’s easy for them to bump knees and press their calves together while enjoying their morning coffee.

It’s new and it’s weird and it’s amazing.

Because Bakugou finds himself falling in love with the little things. The way Kirishima sticks his tongue out when he’s smashing the PS5 controller during an especially intense game of Mario party, the way he makes the coffee with a sleepy smile on his face, the way he hums off-key to a song that’s stuck in his head, the way he can understand Bakugou- can differentiate between his frustrated fuck, his bashful fuck, his angry fuck, his sleepy fuck.

And how he accepts it all without so much as a hitch in his step.

Bakugou watches himself fall in love, slowly, and then all at once.

  “How is it that he lived with you for almost 5 weeks and you STILL didn’t ask him out? Or kiss him stupid? Or something?”

Sero has a finger pinching the bridge of his nose, the other flexing loosely in front of his chest as he tries to fathom the stupidity of two people that could not be more into each other if they tried.

“I, I uh-“ Kirishima hangs his head, “I have no excuse.” He sighs deeply. “I was scared he’d give me a pity answer cause I was injured and everything.”

Ashido looks over her shoulder with incredulous eyes. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“Eiji, I know you love us so like, if any of us were hurt like this you’d take care of us till we were better too. But do you think someone like BAKUGOU would practically move into someone’s house to make sure they were ok if he wasn’t nuts about them? Really?”

Kirishima’s face flushes, and he waves her away. “I don’t want to read into it. He’s just a really, really, really good guy. And what we have is good, it’s great! We’re bros. Pals. Friends. It’s all good.”

Ashido continues to stare at him for another moment before throwing her hands up and yelling, “BOYS!” She stomps into the kitchen to help Satou with prep for the day.

They continue to stock up the bar, Kirishima assigned to prepping limes and the ice machine, when the door opens and someone steps in.

“Sorry, we’re not op- Bakugou?”

And there stands the blonde with the biggest bouquet of flowers – chrysanthemums and sunflowers – that Kirishima has ever seen. The redhead distantly hears the sound of a door close behind him, and suddenly they’re alone, the tension positively stifling.

“Bakugo-“

“Go on a date with me.”

Kirishima sucks in a startled breath, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Go on a date. With me,” Bakugou repeats, his neck and ears tinging the loveliest shade of red. “The romantic kind. Where we dress up and get food and drinks and fight over the bill and walk each other to the door and get super awkward before we kiss. All that shit.”

Kirishima isn’t sure how it happens- one moment he’s on this side of the bar, the next, he’s jumping across and gathering Bakugou into a tight embrace, mindful of his newly healed ribs but still unwilling to release the blonde until Bakugou returns his hug, burying his face into Kirishima’s chest.

“Is that a yes?” Bakugou mumbles when they finally pull away, his hands fisted in Kirishima’s shirt.

“In every possible language out there,” Kirishima answers, ducking down to softly kiss Bakugou on the cheek. He laughs as the blonde cusses and shoves him away and laughs even harder when Bakugou’s own smile covers his entire face, bright and open and oh so breathtaking.

That smile is Kirishima’s and Kirishima’s alone.

  Eiji hiiiiiiiiiiii

Bakugou I swear to god Ei

Bakugou if you’re late for our first date I will find you

Eiji and give me a kiss? :*

Bakugou I don’t kiss people that don’t have good time management

Bakugou so fuck off

Eiji still so mean to me ☹

Eiji I want that kiss tho

Eiji so ill be ready

Eiji promise

Bakugou good

Eiji  <3

Bakugou <3

Eiji :D :D :D :D :D :D

Eiji YOU LIKE ME ENOUGH TO SEND EMOJIS HU H <3333

Bakugou it will never happen again

Bakugou so fuck right off

Eiji :”D

Bakugou im outside

Eiji be right there

Eiji <3  

[neverwinternighting]

I posted 635 times in 2021

77 posts created (12%)

558 posts reblogged (88%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 7.2 posts.

I added 1,099 tags in 2021

#nwn2 - 306 posts

#nwn - 300 posts

#queue'd - 111 posts

#hotu - 94 posts

#valen - 69 posts

#sand - 54 posts

#motb - 46 posts

#cue the queue - 44 posts

#neverwinter nights 2 - 41 posts

#nevervember - 34 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and now that he's filling in the kc's role he takes on the tradition of buying a round of celebratory drinks like in the days of the shadow

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I am so fucking here for these tags @neverwintermuses​

I think part of what makes Sand so appealing is the fact that he DOESNT constantly spill his spaghetti like some of the other romance options. I guess it means that part of what makes Sand such an attractive romance option to me is that you approach him, he’s not about to shove the KC into an uncomfortable position with unwarranted attention.

We were actually talking about it once before-

I love going back to read this because Sand would have been the perfect romantic addition. Like, seriously. But have it not be triggered until the KC says something clearly personal or flirtatious.

27 notes • Posted 2021-11-03 23:56:28 GMT

#4

Whatever you were expecting to see on your dash, it probably wasn’t this.

28 notes • Posted 2021-03-19 03:12:12 GMT

#3

30 days of Never-vember!

It’s November very soon and I was thinking about posting a list of NWN/NWN2-centric general prompts for each day in November! (Get it? Neverwinter + November? Never-vember?) It’s tricky to figure out since not everyone has played both of the games and all the campaigns in them, so something more general you could choose from to create seemed like the best idea.

You can write the prompt. You can draw the prompt. You can do a combination of both. Comics? Hell yeah. Everything is welcome!

If you decide to do these, please feel free to tag me in each one you do so that I can give you reblogs.

This challenge is not in the least bit binding and it is by no means an obligation or a contest - you can do few, you can do all, you can even do only one if you want. It’s entirely up to you!

Prompts listed below (take artistic license in interpretation if you need):

Day 1: A typical day in your hero or knight captain’s life Day 2: Your character meeting your favorite party member for the first time Day 3: Your character meeting your LEAST favorite party member for the first time Day 4: Your character and chosen party members lounging about at camp or in a tavern Day 5: An embarrassing situation during an adventure Day 6: The most impactful event your character went through Day 7: Your character and/or party members in the modern day DMV Day 8: A character or party member’s birthday! Day 9: A party member finding a way to cheer up your character Day 10: The moment your character formed a (romantic OR friendship) crush Day 11: Something little-known about your character revealed Day 12: Your character or a party member is caught red-handed! (By whoever you like, doing anything) Day 13: Your character saying something they regret during an argument Day 14: How your character feels about Lord Nasher Day 15: Your party’s inside joke Day 16: A prank goes wrong! (Set up by and against whoever you want) Day 17: Your character being loopy after keeping watch all night Day 18: A moment in your adventure described entirely without dialogue Day 19: Your character stuck with the most annoying party member Day 20: If you and your character switched places for a day Day 21: Your character adjusting to a new role during their adventures Day 22: If your party had to work at a modern fast food restaurant Day 23: The story behind one of your character’s scars Day 24: Your party during a boss fight Day 25: A magical mishap affects someone or everyone in your party! Day 26: Your character reflecting on the gravity of the situation during their most difficult moment Day 27: How one of your party members views your own character Day 28: Your character’s relationship with their god, or gods in general Day 29: Your character in a frightful situation during the adventure Day 30: After their adventures are done, how are they/how do they live their lives?

29 notes • Posted 2021-10-27 16:49:20 GMT

#2

Silas - half-dragon Red Dragon Disciple in black armor, whirlwind attack

33 notes • Posted 2021-06-27 05:59:45 GMT

#1

Love Neverwinter Nights 1 and/or Neverwinter Nights 2? Never played it but you're curious about them? Have parts of the game(s) or characters that you're just dying to talk about? Frustrated that there's not enough fandom content for these treasures?

The Neverwinter Nighting discord server is open to any who are interested (or even want to be a fly on the wall)!

There is no special process or sign up or anything, just hop right in. It is recommended to clarify what pronouns you go by and whether you are 18 or older in order to access additional content and discussion.

Hope to see you guys there!

-Drackomancer

55 notes • Posted 2021-06-01 00:31:09 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[nishaapologist]

Jock Energy (2078 AU, Sarah/Dusk/NBi!Lone Wanderer)

WARNING: i'm Welsh and know nothing about a) the American high school system b) baseball and c) anything. BUT THAT SAID THE FACT THAT ROOKIE IS CANONICALLY A JOCK IN THIS AU AND SARAH ISN'T??? literally hilarious. show-stopping. anyway i made most of this fic up on the spot with the liberal aid of google so if anything here is wrong: it be like that. it's fallout. i can do anything i want.

(for those new here, 2078 AU is an AU where the bombs don't drop and the fo3 cast are just hanging out in pre-war America, doing dumb shit like kissing and playing baseball. it's good. check it out. also dusk is here)

(sarah uses she/her pronouns, dusk and rookie use they/them)

=

"Didn't know you were into jocks, Sarah," Dusk teases one day out of the blue, right as Sarah's waving goodbye to Rookie after another long day of the academic grind at Roosevelt Academy. She's getting on the bus with Dusk so they can do some studying together back at home, but Rookie's staying behind for baseball practise, a duffel bag tucked under one arm and heavy with their kit, giving their little trot towards the field a certain sway to one side.

Instead of answering her friend right away, Sarah chooses to ignore Dusk just long enough to find them both a seat, sliding next to the window so she can mindlessly stare at the traffic outside, but once they're all situated and the words have finally wormed their way into her brain - fried after entirely too much fucking calculus in a gruelling fourth period - she blinks, and scrunches up her nose in confusion.

"What are you talking about? Rookie's not a jock," she says, because she's right. Rookie's five-foot-nothing and could probably be used in lieu of Sarah's weights on her barbell, and nothing about them has ever, nor will ever, make them resemble anything like the broad-shouldered members of the football team, who are, and always have been, Sarah's internal perception of all jocks everywhere. Shit, Kodiak's the ideal in her mind - tall and stocky, with a bright smile and a charming charisma that makes him annoyingly likable. He suits the garish colours of the school letterman jacket, just as much as he suits the defensive line in his games.

Dusk, however, just tuts. "Haven't been to any of their baseball games yet? For shame, Sarah; where's your school spirit?"

She just rolls her eyes, pressing her forehead to the window and letting the rumble of the engine vibrate against her skull. "I have other things to be worrying about than watching baseball. I only go to the football matches 'cause you became friends with half the team somehow." She pauses, and then shoots Dusk a look. "Aren't you the one who's into jocks here?"

"You wish. I don't give them googly eyes when I think they aren't looking."

Sarah wants to protest that she has never done that and that Dusk has no proof to the contrary, but if she gets into this argument again, it's going to take six hours before they actually remember that they're going to her place to do actual studying. They're both dire at math, and they need every braincell they can get between them in order to power through the masses of homework they've been assigned. "Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you say."

Dusk grins, and leans her head against Sarah's shoulder, as cutely obnoxious as ever. "You know I'm right."

They aren't. Sarah doesn't bother pointing it out. "Rookie's still not a jock, though."

=

Well, that's what Sarah thinks until they head into school the next day. For all of Dusk's accusations on the ride home, Sarah's pretty sure that they devoted more than half their study session to glancing at Sarah over the top of their glasses when she was particularly distracted by a complex problem, which she wants to ask about but also doesn't particularly want to get into right now. There's already a lot on her plate, which only seems to grow ever larger when Rookie - who'd taken an early lift to school with their dad this morning, a spare seat offered to Sarah and politely declined in favour of finishing her morning workout - comes down the corridor wearing that same garish purple-orange letterman jacket that, before right this very moment, Sarah had only seen on the likes of Dusk's friend group of significantly larger, more powerful, and incredibly masculine athletes.

There is, however, a very slight difference, because Rookie's jacket is fucking slathered in patches announcing baseball championships across the entire DMV, and not a single one of them carries a number any higher than #1.

"What the fuck," Sarah says, very cheerfully, instead of her intended hey Rookie, how's it hanging, and Rookie stops dead in their tracks with wide eyes, smile fixed but wilting fast. Somewhere behind her, Dusk snickers.

"Hi to you too?" Rookie offers, but then busies themself with opening their locker. "What's up?"

Sarah isn't sure what expression, exactly, is plastered on her face, but it must be absolutely hilarious to see because when Dusk rounds her to say something undoubtedly sarcastic, they catch Sarah's eye and have to muffle their shock of laughter by shoving their whole fist in their mouth. Still, Sarah barrels on. "You're a jock?"

"What?" Rookie looks down at themself, as if the jacket had magically materialised and they just hadn't noticed until this very second. "Uh... I mean, I guess you could take it like that. You already knew I was on the baseball team, though."

"Yeah," Sarah hears herself agrees, "like, the baseball team for ants."

Rookie snorts, though Dusk's laughter has now reached a whole new level of crazed cackling. "Okay, well, spoilers: I'm on the actual baseball team as the designated hitter and occasional outfielder, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it."

"Voted MVP twice, wasn't it? This year and last?" asks another voice, and Kodiak appears from behind Sarah in his own jacket - his various patches favouring the shape of a football versus the circular ones on Rookie's oversized sleeves. It really makes it clear Rookie is almost drowning in their jacket, because his sits much tighter to his body, buttons almost straining to hold all the width of his chest inside. "Which is kinda crazy. Usually freshmen never make that much of an impression."

"I think it was more impressive that the team voted for me after seeing my performance in left field," Rookie adds, laughing to themself. "Light a fire under my ass and I'll run the bases like nobody's business, but my throwing arm isn't exactly a godsend. Coach seems to think all the homeruns make up for it, though."

Sarah feels completely untethered from this conversation as a whole, hearing it mumble past her ears if only because she's now currently having to re-evaluate her entire life and understanding of the universe. Rookie is tiny, and very small, and very cute. Rookie does not look like a jock. And yet, Rookie is apparently a very good baseball player, and has all the patches to prove it along with Kodiak's word, who is very much a jock, and therefore would probably know best. What does it all mean?

In the time it takes her to deliberate all this information, Dusk has managed to regain some form of composure, and, as ever, they wield it in the worst way possible. "Hey, Rookie," they pipe up, unbearably smug, "you wear that jacket for all the pretty girls?"

Sarah considers, briefly, squashing them like a bug. They're small enough. It wouldn't take even a second. But Dusk isn't quite done yet, the bastard. "Or... did you wear it just to impress Sarah?"

Sarah could reduce them to strawberry jelly in an instant. She could crush them like a can. Smash them like a bottle of Nuka Cola. Their shit-eating grin says they know all too well what they're angling for here, but Rookie, who may be a jock but is also very small and therefore has only one little braincell, just blinks big and owlishly, confused.

"For the girls?" they ask, quietly. "Dusk, it's November. It's cold out there."

[jaehyunay]

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[thedappleddragon]

how's about 4 days worth of logs because I kept getting too sleepy ok go

Today I fucked around made a lot of pasta spent too much time outside with my cat cut some more paw pattern pieces hand sewed the fingers as much as I could started makin the lining but gave up took a shower and did some much needed moisturizing did dishes ate candy and drew caras oc and started Anna’s final render but I need to do some cleanups

I woke up from a dream that my mom got the dog she signed up for but it was like a golden retriever that actually turn into a fat copy of my cat with bad eyes. Had a bagel for breakfast and saw my dad got chive and onion cream cheese :) Igot ready for the dmv and realized I should probably do laundry soon and put away clothes I’ve let pile up. Left for dmv after a while, went around the area a little bit, it started raining, waited inside dmv, a little nervous but not much, talked to same lady as last time (she was very nice and funny :) ) we had to sprint outside to the car because it was POURING OUTSIDE during the first half of the test and suddenly cleared up the second half. Ran over a big puddle. HOORAY I PASSED! Picked up subway, at half at home, went to grandparents house to look at old photos and read my moms old diary from her last family vacation before marrying my dad, stayed for entirely too long, came home, finished subway, laid down, drew and finished the princess lineup, now it’s only 1 am butn sleepy good night. Perhaps I will remember to post the past 2 days in the morning. Yesterday made 2 pastas and resin-Ed old new leaf charm

Writing the days summary through text for the 3rd day in a row because I am sleepy

I woke up pretty damn early, before 9am. Went outside with my cat, played webkinz, snacked. Then mom asked me to pick up her city barbecue which was my first time driving truly all by myself. I trusted myself to know how to get there but I was one street over and then going from the wrong direction and had to turn around, it was a mess. But I got the food just fine and got home safely and without problem. I wanted to drive a little more, so I went to the park, walked a lap around the perimeter, and came back home, sitting in the driveway for a little bit. I hung out for a bit, played stardew valley, quit because I accidentally died in the volcano, fucked around, idk. My friends ex tried snapping me but I didn’t answer and instead texted shit about him with the groupchat. Then we started talking about lgbt labels which tbh made me a little mad and overwhelmed and frustrated, and people were talking faster than I could type, and we talked about asexuality and lack thereof and everyone got uncomfy and fuckin. AAAAAAAH. I got mad and got a headache from hitting myself stimming and decided to try calming down by washing my hair in the dark. I like showing in total darkness occasionally. There’s nothing I need to see anyway lmao. I found myself not even noticing it was dark if that makes sense. Then my dad scared me by opening the door which I didn’t realize I hadn’t locked and telling me dinner was ready. I ate and we talked a little bit about job applications until I went back to bed and got in a weird board mood, and a mint chocolate chip Klondike bar, and now I’m going to sleep I guess. Lily is better at eating and existing on the floor like an animal after I put her food on the floor

today was very rainy and nice. I went with my sister to drive around and pick up food for mom. we dropped it off at home and went to go get our own food. Emily got a gyro and I got 5 guys. the gyro place had a little store attached off to the side with very cramped isles and kinder eggs, which was interesting because I thought they were still banned in America. 5 guys was very overwhelming because of how busy it was. after getting our food we drove to the top of the parking garage and ate there, looking over the main roads and stores and everything, watching the rain. we ate and watched tiktoks and hung out until we decided to go to mcdonlds for water. 2 large waters was only 54 cents so I paid in coins lmao. we sat in the target parking lot for a moment before shopping around. Emily got some shorts and a face wash, and I got a succulent in a bunny shaped pot. I'm 80% sure there's not any dirt in there, and the succulent is glued in, so I got it mostly for the pot. it looks like the bunny is holding the plant, so I think I'll use it for holding pens when the plant dies. right now it’s sitting on my window, looking very cute. after driving home I sat in the car for a bit watching tiktoks until my sister called me and my phone died. apparently my cat was looking for me and even jumped up onto my sister’s bed. so I spent some time in bed just hanging out with her, playing Webkinz and hopping onto animal jam for th first time in months. theyve added some stuff which is cool I guess. I'm not gonna try to log in every day like I did when I was hyper fixated on animal jam, feral, waking, and Webkinz Next all at the same time. that was A Time. maybe I'll jump onto feral tomorrow to see what’s up there. it’s a very pretty game, and the few mini games they have are fun. I just wish there were easier ways to get new avatars, or at least have more than one design for one species. bleh. anyways my friend sent a tiktok she made about our friend group so I spent the next several hours drawing it but as our royal bloodshed au sonas. saving all the frames to my camera roll filled up my phone and I had to delete Tumblr. its fine because I haven been able to use it on mobile for over a year now I think. my phone is so stupidly fulll because I don't delete messages or pictures x-x I just need to upload them all to a drive and delete them all or something. im proud of the animatic but I've only gotten one response in the grouch so far, probably because everyone’s asleep lmao. now it’s midnight and I'm just gonna take a Tylenol and hang out until I fall asleep.

[blacklister214]

Second Son New Chapter: Drivel

“I can’t help you.” Jacob inhaled slowly through his nose, counting back from five in his mind. He would not let Carter rile him. It was what the tracker got off on, and Jacob would not give him the satisfaction of seeing him upset. A calm and measured tone, that’s what he needed. A calm and measured tone.

“Glen, I don’t have time to play games. You already kept me waiting for sixty-five minutes, even though I was first in line when you opened-” Carter interrupted him, raising his hand in the air as if to fend off Jacob’s accusation.

“My supervisor was on the prowl, and you alway make a big stink about discretion-” Jacob raised his own voice to speak over Glen’s rambling.

“And now you want to sit there and tell me you can’t help me? Seriously, man?” Carter’s hands dropped to his sides and his shoulders drooped. He looked smaller than usual, deflated even. The space inside the office, which usually crackled with the DMV employee’s maniac energy, felt dead.  

“Look, I’m sorry, but I’m just not going have the time for next few months. Maybe if you come back after the New Year’s I’ll be available.” Jacob said nothing, simply sat and let silence fill the air. He could do this, he could outlast Carter. The man mouth ran on a motor. If Jacob didn’t respond to his nonsense the contractor would crack, and they would be in business. Ten seconds passed. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. Fifty. Glen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Phelps, I got to back to work.”

When the man started typing on his computer, Jacob realised he was really and truly being dismissed. Oh no. Whatever was going on with Glen, there was no way Jacob was getting the brush-off. He felt his grip on his temper begin to slip.

“Sixty-five minutes, Glen. Over an hour! And let me tell me tell you something: I have stayed in prison cells that were more sanitary than that that waiting room! I probably picked up swine flu, because you didn’t have the courtesy to-” So much for maintaining his calm, professional demeanor. Jacob supposed he should have known better than to even make the attempt. Glen Carter was one of the only people on the planet who could rile Raymond Reddington, and Jacob didn’t have a tenth of his boss’ patience.

“You know what, you're not the only person in the world with troubles! My life hasn’t exactly been a bed of roses lately!” Despite himself Jacob paused at the tracker’s outburst. This was probably just another one of Glen’s yarns, but what if it wasn’t? Bad shit happened all the time and it was possible that something was genuinely bothering Carter.

“What’s wrong?” Glen’s expression twisted and he busied himself shuffling the papers around on his desk.

“Forget it.” Jacob momentarily closed his eyes and thought of Dembe. Serenity, wisdom, and compassion. He could do this.

“I apologize if I seemed abrupt. Please tell me what’s troubling you.” There that sounded like his brother, more or less. Jacob waited and after a few seconds Glen ceased his straightening and sunk back into his chair. A pained expression played across the tracker’s face.

“It’s my brother. He’s in court mandated rehab. Mom’s beside herself. She wants to transfer him to some private treatment center in Maryland. Tranquility woods. She keeps talking about taking out a second mortgage to pay for it, but I’m terrified she’ll lose her house.” Jacob tightened his hands around the arms of his chair so he wasn’t tempted to wrap them around Carter’s throat.

“Glen, you're an only child.” How Carter had survived this long was a mystery to Jacob. He couldn’t be the first person to interact with the pathological liar who had longed to put him out of their misery.

“No, I WAS an only child. Apparently Dad was watering quite a few of his neighbor's gardens back in the day, if you catch my drift, and Steve sprouted up. He found us a couple of months ago and Mom’s got such a big heart. She just welcomed him into our family. She says we’ve got to stand by him even after he stole her good jewelry to pay for his habit. She’s just a marshmallow, and it kills me to see her like this.

And on top of everything else, I can’t help thinking, ‘What if it’s me next. They say addiction runs in families. The next time you come to see me, I might have a crack pipe under my desk-”Jacob stood, unable to withstand one more minute of listening to the tracker’s drivel.

“Goodbye Glen.” He got exactly two steps toward the door before Carter called him back.

“Wait. I suppose since you're already here, and I need the money to pay the pawnbroker who my brother sold the-” Jacob slammed the file down on Carter’s desk so hard the man actually shut up. The man did have some sense of self-preservation after all. Who knew?

“I need everything and anything you can find on this man.” Jacob flipped open the folder and tapped the photograph Hartwell had provided. “He was last seen yesterday at 9:53 am breaking into 601 Edgewood Street NE, Apt. 2C. Call me when you have something.” He didn’t wait for a response before turning and heading out the door.

Jacob nearly plowed through a woman with walker and a beleaguered middle-aged dad in his haste to escape the DMV. A few mumbled apologies later he was standing on the sidewalk, breathing what passed as fresh air in the city. It was amazing how one five minute conversation with Glen Carter could feel like it lasted a year.

As Jacob pulled out his phone, he promised himself that this was absolute last time he would use Glen as a contractor. No matter how good the man was, the psychological toll just wasn’t worth it.  

Reddington picked up on the second ring. “Yes?”

“I spoke to Glen.” A bemused chuckled greeted Jacob’s ears, causing him to scowl. Easy for Raymond to laugh when he wasn’t the one who had to suffer through the experience.

“Was he as charming as ever?”

“Pretty much, but he’s on it.”

“Excellent. Hartwell’s security protocols seemed adequate?” Jacob carefully considered the question before answering. The operative’s cameras were still in place, and remained undiscovered even with the break-in. She’d provided detailed intelligence on what the man been up to. Jacob could objectively say he found no fault with the agent’s work.

“She’s knows what she’s doing. Scott’s as protected as she can be, under the circumstances.”

“Under what circumstances?” Jacob sighed softly. He shouldn’t have said anything. Reddington did not appreciate unsolicited armchair quarterbacking. He briefly considered trying to walk back the comment, but he knew Raymond well enough that he wouldn’t just let it go.

“You demanded that Hartwell maintain a careful distance from Scott and she has. The trouble is we both know it’s a hell of lot easier to protect someone if you're standing right next to them, rather watching them through a scope.” If someone for example attempted to abduct, or assassinate Scott in the middle of the night, there was no guarantee Hartwell would be able to reach her in time. Without Reddington’s restrictions in place, Hartwell could have positioned herself as Scott’s neighbor, or maybe even roommate. A close friend would have a hell of a lot better access to her and in the protection game, proximity mattered.      

“You’re suggesting I should have hired someone to infiltrate Elizabeth’s life on a more intimate level?” Jacob could hear the unmistakable disapproval in Raymond’s tone. The international criminal’s sense of honor showed up in the most unexpected and inconvenient places.

“I’m saying that she’d probably be physically safer if you had.” Jacob’s assessment was met with a silence, prompting him to end the non-debate with, “But she’s your friend’s kid, not mine. That’s your call to make.”

“How generous.” Clearly it was time to change the subject.

“Did your contact come through with the Good Samaritan file?” Jacob knew Reddington had an informant he’d tapped in order to investigate the possibility that this whole affair was connect to Scott’s work with FBI. It would make everyone’s life easier if it was. Serial killers may frighten the public at large, but they didn’t stand a chance against an operative like Hartwell or a career criminal like him. Unfortunately Jacob suspected the man they were after was something else entirely. It could be the paranoia that last couple of years had nurtured in him, but to him, this felt like the enemy they’d been unsuccessfully pursuing, the one Newton had dubbed “the Adversity’. Dear God, Jacob hoped he was wrong.    

“The agent left it for you in box 2142, Bradford Bank. I’ve already had the key messengered to your hotel.” Then that was Jacob’s next stop. It was probably a dead end, but Reddington hadn’t trained him to bank on his own assumptions. Besides it wasn’t like he had anything else to do while he was waiting for Glen to provide him with a lead.  

“What alias am I using to access the box?”

“Thomas Vincent Keen.” Jacob rolled his eyes. He hated that identity. The name sounded so forthright, so earnest. Not to mention the ridiculous glasses Reddington had chosen for him for the passport photo. They’d been perfect in that they made him look completely non-threatening, but whenever he wore them, he always had the lingering fear he’d be forced to fight in them. Being punched in the face while wearing glasses was not fun, nor was continuing the fight half blind. He knew from experience.

“Unless you have something else you need me to take care of, I think I’m going to stick with Hartwell. Two sets of eyes might be better than one.”

“I’m surprised to hear you volunteering to work with a partner. You generally insist on working alone.” Jacob heard the amusement behind the faux confusion in Reddington’s voice and smiled. Their moment of tension had passed.

“You paid top dollar to secure the Major’s best asset. I’d be an idiot not to...take advantage of that.” Reddington chuckled softly at Jacob’s implication.

“I trust I don’t need to remind you to remain focused on the task at hand?”

“No, you do not.” It went without saying that any woman, no matter how beautiful or talented in the bedroom would ever come before Jacob’s commitment to Reddington or his agenda.

“In that case, let me simply remind you that in nature the most stunning creatures are frequently the most lethal.” That was rich, Reddington of all people warning him off seductive and dangerous women.

“Sounds like someone recently had an unfortunately rendezvous with Dechambou...Or was it Pratt this time?” Jacob could not deny that the man had game, but he couldn’t help but notice that a sizable chunk of Raymond’s affairs seemed to end with his lovers attempting to kill him. The kind of thing had to wear on a guy after a while.

“I’ll expect an update the moment you have new intelligence.” The lack of response, and subsequent termination of the call strongly suggested Jacob had been right on the money. When this business with Elizabeth Scott was resolved, he’d push for more details. Until then he had an intruder to find, and a gorgeous blonde to both entertain and assist him. Things were definitely looking up.

[my-dear-hammy]

After You:Mullette One shot

AN This takes place in the Universe of Falling Through Time, AKA Basking in Firelight, there are spoilers, so if you plan on reading that, go read it first cause spoilers are no fun. ---- Warnings: None? ---- Shortly before Adams and Burr's election into the presidency of the Eastern States of America, Mulligan decided to go to France in hopes of furthering his clothing line. It was better for him for several reasons. One, it furthered his career, two, traveling is good for the soul, he'd always want to see Europe anyway, and three, it got him away from the distracting thoughts of a certain tall, very attractive man. Apparently, Mulligan didn't think very far ahead on that third reason, seeing as since that certain tall, very attractive man was a Frenchman, it was only a matter of time before he returned to France. How Mulligan didn't realize that sooner, he had no idea. The Marquis de Lafayette returned to France a year after Adams and Burr's election after he was sure that Jefferson's and Hamilton's relationship was stable. For some reason, their relationship was very important to him but now that they were getting along again, Lafayette was free to finally return to France after many years of conflict in the E.S.A. Revolution always seemed to call to him and he always found himself waist deep in those rough waters, over his head in the case of the French Revolution. This meant he was going on five revolutions? Four? He always seemed to get dragged in and if he wasn't he seemed to jump in and shout cannon ball or start one himself. For once, it was nice to know that his two countries were mostly at peace. The E.S.A was running smoothly and France didn't have eighty percent of its population oppressed to the point where they would start chopping off heads, so for Lafayette, it almost seemed like a vacation. The only problem was, he just stepped onto French soil again and he already missed his friends. He knew Mulligan was somewhere in Europe on tour but he had no idea where or if he would be too busy to meet up. Lafayette supposed he could text him. Before he could, he got distracted and ran off. That was Lafayette for ya. *** Lafayette had gotten settled back into his old house and his old routine of living. It seemed so boring now. He was so used to there being a constant call to action, the explosive politics, his friends demanding they all go out on the town and get shit-faced drunk, now he had nothing to do and no friends to turn to. It's been months since he returned and he was steadily getting sadder about the lack of adventure, if only Mulligan were there, they could spend some time together and perhaps Lafayette could finally get him to do something extremely French. Oh wait, Alex and Thomas had said it's not considered French anymore. Lafayette had always been extremely flirty with Mulligan but Mulligan never seemed to notice or didn't care, either way, Lafayette's advances never went anywhere. Maybe that was because he flirted with anyone Mulligan couldn't tell the difference, there was hope yet, at least, Lafayette wasn't giving up. In order to kill the boredom that had been steadily growing heavier and heavier, Lafayette decided to take a walk. *** Mulligan was already in the park sitting amiably on a bench, feeding the birds when out of the corner of his eye he spotted a familiar figure. At first, he gave it no thought but then his head snapped over to take in the figure completely. He was tall, scruffy, with poofy hair pulled into a pony tail, hands tucked into his pockets as he walked, kicking a pebble along the path. Mulligan's breathing stopped. It couldn't be. Lafayette stopped and looked over the pond and watched the ducks as they swam by before lifting his face to the sky and sighing. Mulligan put his bird feed aside and got up, a huge grin lighting his involuntarily, as he ran at the man and tackled him to the ground, yelling, "LAFAYETTE!" The Frenchman, needless to say, was shocked to suddenly find himself on the ground and enveloped in the arms of another man. "Merde!" he swore, it took him all of two seconds to recognize who had tackled him, "Herc? What're you doing here?" he asked, laughing, enjoying every second. "Me? What about you?" Mulligan pulled away and clapped Lafayette on the back. "Merde! I live here. This is my home. I'm French, this is France. Why wouldn't I be here?" Lafayette laughed. Mulligan's cheeks colored and he scratched the back of his head, "Oh, right, but weren't you making sure Hamilton and Jefferson's relationship didn't blow up into some sort of nuclear catastrophe?" Lafayette waved the matter away, "Oui, oui, it's all taken care of. They're thicker than thieves and have never been more in love. I heard they're going to retire to the county and enjoy the peace that has finally settled over the nation." "Oh, good for them. They deserve it." "What about you, Herc? Isn't your tour over by now? Why haven't you returned to America, I was waiting for you." "Oh, I guess I just grew attached to France for some reason. I still get lost though. I'm not entirely used to the city layout." Lafayette grinned, "I'll show you around and teach you all the tricks sometime! Not now though, I have an appointment to get to, but I'll see you around, you have my number, oui?" "Uh, yeah." "Bien! I'll see you around!" Lafayette grabbed Mulligan's face and planted a kiss on his lips before flouncing away, calling back over his shoulder, "Welcome to France!" Mulligan watched him skip away as he felt his face steady grow darker and darker shades of red. Welcome to France indeed. *** Lafayette kept true to his word and dragged Mulligan all over Paris. And when he said all over, he meant all over. Lafayette didn't leave a single nook unexplored, Mulligan was actually amazed by how when Lafayette knew Paris even after being gone so long. Mulligan couldn't even remember exactly where the DMV was in his home town. Oh well. Considering the size of Paris, it was impossible for Lafayette to show Mulligan everything in one day, especially since Mulligan killed entire day when Lafayette showed him a fabric shop. How had Mulligan been here for an entire year and managed to never find that shop he didn't know. At the end of each day, Lafayette would wish him off in the same way, a kiss to the lips and a bubbly farewell as he skipped away. That was the part Mulligan loved and hated the most because every time it ended with Lafayette leaving. He guessed that was just the French way of doing things. That being said, Mulligan wasn't the type to sit around and wait for things to go his way, so he made a game plan. A very poorly thought out game plan that could very possibly blow up in his face and ruin everything. But that was a chance he was willing to take. So the next day when Lafayette showed up on his doorstep, Mulligan had it all planned out. "So where are we going today?" "The Grand Finale!" Lafayette grinned. "Oh? And what's that?" Mulligan asked. "The grand attraction of Paris, what else?" "Oh, I should've realized." *** The Eiffel Tower. Awe inspiring. Think it looks good in postcards? Wait until you're standing underneath the smooth arches that soar into the sky. Wait until you're standing at the top and looking out at the city laid before you like it was served on a dinner plate. Why hadn't Mulligan done this in the year he had been here? "The view during the day is amazing, but the view at night is like a whole other world," Lafayette said, leaning against the railing. "It's truly wondrous," Mulligan agreed. "You know, I've always-" Lafayette began. "Oh! Look at the time, it's getting late, we should head back," Mulligan said suddenly, not realizing what Lafayette was about to say. Lafayette sighed sadly and then bounced back to his perky self, "You're right, mon ami, let us go." In Lafayette's opinion, Mulligan was far too excited to be going home, did he really dislike hanging out with Lafayette so much? So when they were standing on Mulligan's doorstep, Lafayette debated on giving him his usual goodbye kiss but Mulligan looked expectant so at this point, if Lafayette didn't, Mulligan would think that he was mad at him which was the last thing Lafayette wanted. Lafayette went for it, just like he always did. Only this time, Mulligan was ready for him. Lafayette's goodbye kisses were quick and too fast to be anything, Mulligan had to be ready. The moment Lafayette stepped forward as he usually did, Mulligan wrapped his arms around the Frenchman's waist and pulled him closer, holding him against him so that Mulligan could do what he'd always wanted to do. Kiss back. Lafayette went rigid with shock but quickly melted when he realized what was going on. Mulligan quickly deepened the kiss, pressing as closely to Lafayette as he could until finally, Mulligan pulled away, "We should take this inside," Mulligan said, "I'm sure the neighbors don't appreciate this view." Lafayette rolled his eyes, "This is France, no one cares. But yes, let's definitely take this inside, I have plans for you." Mulligan's face colored but he stepped away and opened the door, "After you."

[rogue-rook]

many highlights from The Stolen Century from a first-time TAZ listener (here there be spoilers)

oh hot damn a flashbacks episode!!!!!

“everything begins, and i mean that quite literally, with the light of creation”

the IPRE has some real nostalgic space exploration nasa vibes to it

travis: “i would like to state that, canonically, magnus calls him “cap’nport” because magnus, like I, loves portmanteau”

suggested names for the ship boat thing: boaty mcboatface, spinnaker (which just means boat), stinky spinnaker, laser spinnaker, hyper spinnaker, flying boat, tail spinnaker, fighting spinnaker, lightbringer, sky spinnaker, sky boat, sky weaver, star dancer, starblaster! the winner! starblaster!

the way they arrived at “starblaster” was such peak mcelroy Creative Nonsense

the reporters at this IPRE press conference have had increasingly silly names

justin: “taako and lup go to a bar and do what they always do at a bar, which is hustle people at pool” i love them so much! i didn’t love taako all that much for the majority of this story but now i think he’s cool as shit

I’m so SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED for lup to be a part of this and be a real character and not just a fucking GHOST haunting taako’s umbrella

magnus wants to go train with the bear of power and that’s the most on-brand thing for him to possibly want to do

travis: “magnus doesn’t kill animals if he can help it” not animals, but of course he has no problem killing dwarves, elves, liches, wizards, ya know, all those PEOPLE he’s killed

justin: “taako and lup are gonzo, they're out of here" magnus: “i’m like checking on bear cubs and making sure everyone's okay" merle: “im like increasing everybody’s speed with spells’ very on brand of everybody here

travis: “okay griffin i have a very important question that i should have asked before-” griffin: “is about your fucking hard candy supply?”

the entire set up of this arc is so fun and good 

justin: “yeah i've got a fucking genius plan and I'm gonna fix everything! come close, griffin, because I'm about to blow your game wide open. I’m going to make a fake light of creation. I’m gonna spend this year like a survivor contestant on their last legs, crafting a false hidden immunity idol. I’m going to craft, to the best of my ability, a fake light of creation. a decoy, if you will!” THIS IS GENIUS

taako: “okay, that’s all well and good but lup and i are going scrapping. this is the most civilized- this is the most technologically advanced place that we’ve been to yet, and I wanna load the ship up with all the valuable mechanical components I can find, so I’m going fucking looting, I’m gonna destroy as many robots as it takes, I’m gonna take these motherfuckers apart piecemeal, so I can take whatever cool magic is powering them. I’m going to loot this motherfucker to brass tacks, I’m gonna just loot and pillage” merle: “burnt earth” taako: “yes exactly”

lup: “i believe one of these times we’re going to get this right. and we’re going to find a way to defeat the hunger and save everybody inside of it. I have to believe that to keep doing what we do, becasue I have to believe that I’m going to get those 15 dollars back from greg fucking grimmaldis” lup is as cool and funny and DOPE as I was hoping she would be

one of these eps, they just kicked it on a beach for 35 minutes and were shitheads about merle’s attempt at gifts. the literal goddamn definition of a bottle episode. im only like 75% sure davenport was even in this fucking episode

travis has named magnus’s fish, magnus’s father-in-law, a rando reporter at the IPRE press conference, and a kid at one of the stolen century planets “steven”. all of those people/fish are called steven, because apparently travis has a thing for that name

clint just called lucretia “lucinda”

well now i understand why merle’s died 50 million times

taako: “i got bad news for everybody. our arch-nemesis is MORRISSEY”

magnus gets excited to learn to carve wood bc its something he could do with knives and weapons and shit and im like oh THATS the most magnus thing he could possibly do!!!

hey cool so barry and lup’s adorable love OWNS MY ASS

that was the sweetest falling-in-love story ive ever heard and it was like 5 fucking minutes. @ fanfiction writers throw all your barry/lup friends-to-lovers fics directly at my head PLEASE

davenport: “lup can you blow it up?" lup: "can i...blow up a mountain?....well, YEAH! but lets save that for a last resort" the legato conservatory person: “i'm going to firmly request that you don’t blow up our sacred mountain”

taako: “hey I’m taako, from TV” griffin: “uh okay-” justin: “what?” griffin: “you haven’t been on tv yet” clint: “it’s aspirational” justin: “yeah, its aspirational. hey I’m taako from TV. you’re all pretty wanged. you’re pretty fucked. there’s good news and bad news, and the bad news I’ve already covered, with the fucked-ness that you are”

jesus, shit got DARK

oh my god the voidfish that magnus saved in the stolen century is the same one on the bureau of balance base. that’s some heart-tingly shit. that’s that GOOD STORY SHIT

griffin: “your adventures in the back half of these cycles are more fraught than the first half” OH IM SORRY? MORE FRAUGHT??? REALLY, GRIFFY?

griffin’s judge character dude: "magnus, you have fought with others your entire life, throughout your adolescence you celebrated strife. i didn't mean to make that rhyme"

one of the future crimes accused of the IPRE crew is “cruelty to a child who loves them” and im like oh. maybe i shouldnt have wanted somebody to call them out on being mean to sweet ango

oh man i wanna hug lucretia so bad and take care of her and make sure she’s okay

griffin: “she wouldn’t go on to found the bureau of balance for decades, but this horrible lonely year, that’s when she became Madame Director” okay, yep, i love her, and i just remembered i was worried for SO LONG that she was hoarding the relics for her own gain and jesus christ IM SO SORRY I THOUGHT THAT, EVERYBODY, I REGRET IT SO BAD

magnus reading fisher the voidfish a story more like GREAT JOY AND HAPPINESS

justin: “taako like walks by [the voidfish] and you just hear him shout ‘give him the complete works of nathaniel hawthorne next!” griffin: “YOU FUCKING HATE THAT GUY!” justin: “fuck that guy” clint: “what do you have against nathaniel hawthorne???” justin: “he is the worst writer and everybody has to read him and it makes kids HATE reading” clint: “last of the mohicans???” justin: “thats- not him, thats james fenimore cooper” griffin: “BOO-YAH!!! [singing] take him toooo schoool” justin: “yall i know the name of TWO authors from that time period, and he did the ONE pull, that’s gonna sound so fucking smart” oh man maybe I really need to reevaluate my ranking of Favorite Mcelroys, justin just reached for the Deepest Cut To Make Me Love Him

magnus: “i don’t find anything useful in this library, so let that be a lesson, kids, you’ll never find anything useful reading books” yeah take that, you punk ass book jockeys

griffin: “I base it on just how much i like the scene, right? so take plus two bond” whoa what GRIFFY DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SYSTEM FOR THIS SHIT?? HE’S JUST HANDING OUT BONDS AND ASSETS WILLY NILLY????

magnus: “oh, could i have been learning magic instead of feeding books to my buddy?” griffin: “your scene was really good though” magnus: “oh man i could have become a wizard” yeah and break the continuity of THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SHOW

this Lup and Taako’s Greatest Day chaotic destruction is the most fun shit that’s happened in this show

taako: “I pull off her blindfold to reveal this planet’s ONLY DMV. there’s one DMV on the entire planet” this planet has no people and no animals and no living anything besides the 7 ipre crew and yet there’s a DMV leftover from whatever civilization used to be here. UH UH UH SURE JUSTIN

jesus christ i can’t believe lup’s lich form dabbed in the goddamn middle of this ritual

travis: “griffin, i know this wasn't in the instructions you sent us, but I want to make a lightsaber, can I do that?" griffin: "absolutely not!"

the KrebStar is a dope name

griffin: "so like a lotta bear stuff, then, huh?" travis: "look im leaning into it"

travis: “I’m going to name the helmet BearFace- ya know, naming stuff isn’t magnus’s strong suit- and I’m going to call the pendant 2th Necklace”

griffin: “and she’s holding an umbrella” justin: “fuck you” THIS MOMENT IS SOOO GOOD

justin: "I think i speak for the rest of us, and like the entire audience, when i say I cannot wait to see what these fucking 7 items are"

“that was the last conversation you had with your sister” hey griffin. fuck you

“not all exits are equal” HEY GRIFFIN. REALLY REALLY FUCK YOU

oh man lucretia. i can’t believe you did that to everybody. man that’s. that’s rough

this is heartbreaking holy shit. barry begging his bestfriend TO KILL HIM so he won’t forget the love of his life is SOME GUTWRENCHING SHIT HOLY SHIT

this is a really amazing story and I’m so impressed with the way it evolved from a goofy mcelroy joke podcast into such an amazing compelling story

[biofunmy]

Apple Stores Are Boring But They’re Still Raking In Cash

Justin Sullivan / Getty Images

When Apple opened its first store in 2001, it seemed destined to fail. Bloomberg Businessweek said, “Sorry, Steve: Here’s Why Apple Stores Won’t Work.” David Goldstein, former president of the consulting firm Channel Marketing, said, “Apple will turn the lights off within two years and will have a very bad and expensive experience.” And the New York Times piled on, “no computer manufacturer has successfully branched into retail stores.”

We all know what happened next — Apple changed the retail game.

The company faces the same challenge with its stores as it does with its products — how to keep pace once its cutting-edge ideas have become standard.

Apple Stores, which now number 508 across 22 countries, broke every rule in electronics retailing on its way to becoming a cultural icon. Instead of the food court, it was a meet-up spot for friends before window-shopping at Hot Topic or Claire’s. People spent hours in its sleek stores hovering over the rows of Mac laptops playing with the filters on Photo Booth and uploading the best photos to Myspace. It felt like stealing when an Apple Store employee would swipe your credit card on an iPhone instead of waiting in line at a register. When they’d operate on your glitchy computer and hand it back to you shiny and new, the people at the Genius Bar seemed like actual geniuses. It was an experience that other computer retailers like Dell and Microsoft tried to imitate but couldn’t. It was the future — and then the future caught up.

Now nearly 20 years later, and a week away from the grand reopening of Apple’s Fifth Avenue flagship store in New York, the company faces the same challenge with its stores as it does with its products — how to keep pace once its cutting-edge ideas have become standard.

“Now more than ever retailers are depending on experience to drive traffic,” Mike Smith, director of real estate with the business consulting firm Streetsense, told BuzzFeed News. “Apple was a bit ahead of the curve with everyone else playing catch up. But it also makes Apple seem less special and less innovative.”

Apple is keeping mum about the details of its new Fifth Avenue store, slated to reopen Sept. 20 after being closed for two years. It declined to provide additional comment to BuzzFeed News. But Deirdre O’Brien, Apple’s new director of retail (who took over the company’s retail fleet after Angela Ahrendts left the company in April) said at Apple’s annual keynote event Tuesday that the store’s iconic glass cube will be wrapped in a multicolor film. It will be open 24 hours a day and will host training sessions for Apple users and stations for shoppers to customize their Apple Watch bands. But other than higher ceilings, increased size, and the rainbow cube, it appears very little about the New York store will be new.

The opening of its flagship store comes in a period of accelerated innovation in retail and technology — and heightened competition. Thanks to Amazon, consumers expect affordable items at their doorsteps within one or two days, an expectation that has created havoc on city streets. People are amazed by its Amazon Go cashierless checkout technology, which allows customers to grab an item off a shelf and walk out without paying for it at a register.

Spencer Platt / Getty Images

Retail industry insiders point to Glossier’s new store in New York’s Soho neighborhood as an example of how to make a retail store an experience for shoppers at a time when not all businesses can be, or want to be, an Amazon. It has nearly its entire makeup line out for testing. Its design is minimal and clean with multiple areas where shoppers can stop to take selfies. It isn’t alone. Mattress company Casper’s new stores incorporate experience in their design as well with multiple sleep pods where shoppers are invited to take a nap during the day or sleep in small rooms on the showroom floor. Casper also has an area where shoppers can learn about the technologies that go into its products. Sephora, an LVMH company, upended the beauty market with stores that leave full makeup collections out for customer testing as makeup artists give tutorials and tips.

As others have copied its retail approach, Apple has quietly receded from its perch as the leader in retail innovation. In September 2017, Ahrendts announced that Apple Stores would no longer be “stores” but “town squares,” which she described as “gathering places … where everyone’s welcome, and where all of Apple comes together.” Apple has opened several flagship stores to reflect this idea of stores as “public squares,” including one in Chicago and one in San Francisco. The company launched a program called Apple Today, a series of classes to teach users how to use GarageBand and other software. It redesigned some of its Genius Bars into “Genius Groves” of trees and additional seating to create a more comfortable atmosphere.

But the idea of the Apple Store as a community space never quite took off, and after five years at Apple, Ahrendts left the company. “I think it just didn’t quite click,” said Smith with Streetsense.

Apple has upgraded some of its stores with greenery that gives some stores the feeling that shoppers are in a park, not a computer store. But the result is “largely the same old, same old — product showcases, accessories on the side wall, Genius Bar in the back,” Sucharita Kodali, a retail analyst with Forrester Research, told BuzzFeed News.

“Apple is just mature at this point, and mature brands stagnate.”

“Apple is just mature at this point, and mature brands stagnate,” she said. “Given how frequently customers see the stores, they probably have to refresh every 5 to 10 years, which is faster than most retailers. They need to think of themselves like restaurants or fashion, which are challenged to keep customer attention.”

Most Apple customers don’t buy their phones or laptops in store. In 2017, about three-quarters of iPhones were bought through wireless carrier companies with Apple Stores accounting for just more than 10% of sales, according to Consumer Intelligence Research Partners. Apple was the second-largest retailer of iPads making up about 20% of sales. To get people coming back to its stores, Apple created the trade-in program for customers to exchange an old iPhone for a new one at a discount. But unless they’re running an errand — trading in a phone or getting a device fixed — there is little incentive to go into the Apple Store.

Carolina Milanesi, a principal analyst at the market research firm Creative Strategies, told BuzzFeed News that Apple’s approach to move sales transactions online and turn stores into educational spaces show the retailer is still ahead of the curve. “That is a long-term investment,” she said. “You have consumers that are more engaged with your products because of the value they get from the device they purchase is greater.”

But Apple shoppers have taken notice at the stores’ stagnation. On Twitter, one person said stores used to feel magical and now seem stale and boring. Another noted the Samsung store in Toronto was more impressive than the Apple Store. Apple’s stores are almost always packed with irritable people waiting in line to get help with their phones, leading to comparisons to an airport when your flight is canceled or to waiting at the DMV. Still, the company has a loyal segment of consumers who just really love the Apple Store.

While the stores may no longer be exciting, they’re doing better than most other mall storefronts, analysts told BuzzFeed News. Apple doesn’t regularly report its store sales, but analysis of industry data shows that it is the store leader among retailers in sales per square foot, a metric that the retail real estate industry uses to measure store profitability. A 2017 CoStar analysis of retail industry data found that Apple led retail store sales at $5,546 per square foot, outselling luxury retailer Tiffany & Co., which reported sales of $2,951 per square foot, and athleisure company Lululemon, which reported sales of $1,560 per square foot.

Still, analysts and customers have noticed that Apple Stores have lost their “wow” factor, as other companies like Microsoft and Tesla incorporate the design tactics that made Apple Stores famous into their own stores and showrooms.

“Customers have gotten used to them and have much higher expectations that are increasingly difficult to meet,” Neil Saunders, a retail analyst with GlobalData, told BuzzFeed News. “Apple is still a leader in retail, but there isn’t as much clear blue water between it and competitors.”

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[edwardlando]

The Perfect Painting

“You want to know how to paint a perfect painting? It’s easy. Make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally”

― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I think the most powerful thing an entrepreneur can do to move toward success is to improve his or herself.

Just like startups, we too have to be iterated on over and over. We have to throw away what doesn’t work and refine what is working. And in both cases this is very hard and requires consistent, unrelinquishing commitment.

Every year at this time people draft a list of “resolutions,” promises they make to themselves about how they will act differently in the coming year in the hopes of changing their lives.

Promises they almost inevitably end up breaking.

We all do this.

Why is it that we break promises to ourselves?

I think it comes from lack of self-awareness.

We have two selves: who we actually are and who we wish we were. The real self, and the ideal self. And ambition is the tension between these two.

When we think about who we will be tomorrow, 6 months or a year from now, our human imperfections are abstracted away. We’re not tired, or lazy, or impatient, or jealous or scared as we are today, right now. In this simulation it’s very easy to imagine that we’ll do all the right things. (And by the way, we often do know what the right thing is! The hard part is doing it when the time comes.)

Setting goals that only our ideal selves can reach is dangerous because by failing to live up to them we lose trust in ourselves and our ability to improve our condition.

If you’ve already tried 10 times to quit smoking, lose weight, wake up early, be more patient with your family, save more money, or whatever it is and always end up falling back into the pit, you disrespect yourself and your promise over and over to the point that you don’t believe in trying anymore.

To avoid this, we should set imperfect goals.

Well, goals that take in account who we really are and not who we wish we were. Hedge fund manager (and modern philosopher) Ray Dalio talks a lot about hyper-transparency and self-awareness in Principles, and he’s built his company and success around this modus operandi.

Self-awareness allows you to trick yourself into doing the right thing. By anticipating ahead of time what your weaknesses will have you fall for, you can set up a game or situation so that you will not be faced with that trap.

Yes, you are the architect of the game. And the game is your life.

Ulysses did that when he put wax in his men’s ears and asked them to tie him to his mast in approach of the Sirens.

No one can resist the Sirens. Not even Ray Dalio. But some people just become better at making sure they never have to fall into their trap.

So if eating ice cream in the middle of the night is your demon, don’t have ice cream in the house. I promise you will be too cold and tired to go outside into the cold and buy some (although the on-demand economy is your enemy here…)

Or in my case waking up early is still something I am fighting to do.

Well, to make it happen I can go to bed earlier. I can wake up and go to sleep at the same time at least during week days to get alter my circadian rhythm and start getting tired at 11pm.

I can also create things to look forward to in the morning, whether that be the thrill or reading or writing over steaming coffee while the world still sleeps, making a fresh, healthful breakfast, or maybe going on a run along the water at sunrise while listening to my favorite playlist.

Combining a “painful” task (or what feels like one today) with a reward (or a shower of rewards) has been incredibly effective for me. I have learned to crave my berry protein shake after each work out.

Another way to “trick” yourself is to become aware that the best way to get rid of a bad habit is to replace it with something else. Whenever you feel the impulse to do that thing you’re trying to do, it’s much harder to suppress that urge entirely than to quell it in some other fashion.

Or as illustrated in the graph below, it’s easier to go from A to B than it is to go from A to C. This graph was used by HBS Professor Alison Brooks to make a point about public speaking: many people who are nervous tell themselves to calm down while instead it would be much easier and more realistic for them to translate that nervousness into excitement.

From HBS Professor Alison Brooks’s paper: “Get Excited: Reappraising Pre-Performance Anxiety as Excitement”

So for example if you get hungry in the afternoons and have a bad snacking habit, you can indulge that habit but make healthy smoothies or eat another real meal instead of going for the chips.

Another very helpful trick in my case has been to re-frame my perception of certain tasks.

I used to absolutely despise any administrative matters: paying bills, doing taxes or dealing with the government in any way, returning an item, going to the doctor, checking my bank statements. I hated these things to the point that any physical letter I received elicited fear in me. Fear because I was afraid of what was inside them but also of what would happen as a consequence of my taking 2 months to deal with what should have taken 1 hour. Paying something, mailing something, check books. Who the hell still uses paper? Who the hell has a check book? Why do people keep bothering me and wasting my precious time?

Those were my thoughts and they harmed me. I paid late fees, forgot to renew things and in general wasted more time than I would have taking care of these things in the first place.

I learned my lesson.

Now when I get hit with these administrative tasks I deal with them on the spot no matter how much I wish I could do that other more interesting thing I was doing before I got interrupted.

The reason I used to ignore these is that I thought they were a waste of my time.

And that makes sense.

There are after all only two types of tasks: pleasure seeking and pain avoiding. We start off at neutral, or 0 on the thermometer indicator if you will, and pleasure seeking tasks can take us above that neutral level to those warmer temperatures: we focus on doing the work we love, we go for dinner with friends, we watch a movie.

In comparison, doing laundry, going to the DMV or applying for insurance is not going to take us above 0. These chores will just ensure that we won’t get to the negative numbers.

It’s much less exciting because the very best outcome is being back at 0. The upside is so boringly limited. It’s what we dreadfully call “being a grown up.”

If you’re a novelist lost in your beautiful world, would you rather write another few pages of your masterpiece or call AT&T about your excessive phone bill?

You get the point.

What has saved me has been to reconsider my perception of these tasks. These pain avoiding activities are not only about getting back to zero. They’re about making sure that we don’t lose all the positives. Quite literally, they allow us by completing to avoid what is otherwise certain pain. The rest of the skyscraper will collapse if we do not take care of these foundations even though they might be invisible, beneath the ground.

I have taken on the habit of listing daily goals as bullets, many of which are pain avoiding tasks. And I take just as much if not more pleasure and pride in getting those done than the things that come naturally to me. Tearing through the the boring, unpleasant stuff feels like a great accomplishment, a triumph over myself.

Consider two oversimplified types of people: the “creative” and the “operator.” These two actually come up quite often in the world of startup founders. (Using masculine pronoun here for convenience.)

The creative didn’t get good grades in all subjects, only those that he found interesting. He might have written brilliant stories but always made spelling mistakes and had messy handwriting. He was often late, lost his homework all the time, and continues to be a little messy today and still doesn’t check his bank account like his mom asks him to.

In contrast, the operator is the person who gets shit done. He never wrote “The Catcher in the Rye” but wrote high quality albeit slightly dry analyses of literary passages as required and did just as well in math and science classes. An all around excellent, balanced student without mad genius in any category.

The creative and the operator would not do as well working individually. The creative would end up broke, writing poems or drawing in an apartment with no heating because he forgot to pay the bill last month, and the operator would be doing fairly well in a corporate job and yet feeling that he could do more but not quite knowing where to start.

It would be silly for the creative to try to become the operator and vice versa. Because of nature and nurture, they are not wired the same way.

As Ray Dalio explains, being successful in your job and life is about focusing on your strengths and turning them into killer weapons and overcoming your limitations by surrounding yourself with people who will help you with those and make sure they don’t get in your way.

Finding complementary partners works in business, love, friendship and pretty much everywhere.

I do think that for our own personal esteem, it is still important to become competent even at those things we dread so that we stop fearing them and at least understand what is going on when someone else takes care of them.

In drafting goals for improvement, I try to keep both of these in mind: I can trick myself into becoming better at the things I don’t like by setting up the game in a way that doesn’t make me fall for usual temptations, and I can partner with people who are complementary to me and concentrate on sharpening what already comes naturally.

In both of these, becoming more self-aware by asking ourselves and our close ones what we are good and bad at is the key to making promises that we will keep.

Perhaps food for family dinner discussions.

Happy New Year :)

Thank you for reading.

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