#the hospital still haven’t call me for the MRI I’m suppose to take

[yoohyeontual]

Everyday there’s something new happening to my body I’M TIRED

[writersrealmbts]

A Natural: Part 6

Description: Hybrid!Taehyung x Reader: You’re a single mom, and your son is your entire world. When you take him to get his first hybrid, his choice is pretty bewildering, until you realize that he was picking out a dad.

Posted: 03/11/2021

Tags: Taehyung, Hybrid Taehyung, Human Reader

Wordcount: 5,024

A/N: It has not been a year, I’m still sorry. It just takes however much time it takes. 

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?” You asked, leaning back into the chair, dumbfounded. “He was allowed to come in last time.”

“The laws changed,” The man answered carefully. “The hybrid laws.”

You gripped the arms of the chair. “What?”

He uneasily handed you a newspaper.

You scanned over it, anger boiling up in you. “What?”

He folded his hands together. “I’m not saying we agree with this, but we have to comply or we could find ourselves in legal trouble. It’s the same for your other friend.”

You froze, thinking of Seokjin, who was supposed to work today. “I need to warn him….” You scrambled for your phone, quickly dialing Seokjin’s number.

Yoongi answered, but you gave him a quick rundown and he said he would tell Jin.

After you did that, looking at the newspaper in your lap, you sighed. “This timing isn’t good.”

“I know. I’m very sorry. But I also need to talk to you about your son’s recovery.”

You froze, slowly returning your gaze to the man. “Okay.”

“We’ve noticed in his physical therapy that he gets disoriented very quickly when we’re working with the crutches. Any time he’s in a standing position. We want to run some tests to see if there’s a reason for it.”

You nodded slowly. “Alright.”

“We want to do another MRI,” he said carefully.

You shifted uncomfortably. “Oh.”

“I understand that you’re in a difficult situation, financially. But we don’t want to risk anything.”

You nodded. “We don’t. Whatever he needs. I’ll…I’ll figure it out. Do what you need to.”

He nodded as well. “I’ll get it scheduled and we’ll tell his physical therapy doctors to keep him still until we can figure out what’s been going on.”

“Thank you.”

“And…there’s still a certification program for hybrids….” He hinted carefully, pulling a pamphlet from his desk drawer and slipping it across the desk.

You took it and nodded. “Alright. Thank you.”

He dipped his head.

You exited the office, clutching the paper in your hand, and then went down to lean in the doorway of your baby’s room.

Theo was awake, talking quietly with Jimin over the homework Namjoon had dropped off. He looked tired, and not at all as happy as normal.

You went in, not interrupting as you climbed up to sit beside him carefully.

He leaned into your hold. “Mommy, everything hurts.”

You kissed his head, holding him as tightly as you dared without hurting him. “I know. Why don’t we work on your homework some other time?”

Jimin gathered it up when Theo only sighed and closed his eyes, leaning further into your arms. “Where’s…?”

You cut him off with a look, darting a glance at Theo.

But Theo was already asleep, so you took a deep breath. “The laws changed last night. Hybrids…their freedom. Gone. Long story. Warned Yoongi and Jin. I’ll tell Taehyung when I leave. For now I just told him to stay in the car. I can’t stay long because of it, though.”

Jimin nodded. “I’ve got the day off. I can stay with him. What else did the doctor say?”

“They want to do another MRI, he’s been getting disoriented when upright.”

He frowned. “I wondered. He was okay until the nurse and I helped him to the bathroom, then he seemed to be in a lot of pain.”

You sighed. “I might drop Taehyung off at home and come back.”

“Work?” He asked.

You sighed. “Audits. We’re not allowed at the office. That’s why Yoongi is home.”

“Audits?” His eyes widened. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“Well, it’s every section but mine and Yoongi’s so we’re the only ones with job security at the moment. If the company survives, that is.”

Jimin was quiet for a moment. “And if it doesn’t?”

“I’m going to have to find another way of paying these bills.” You smoothed Theo’s hair, studying the little frown on his face. He looked so frail to you. Sure, he was getting better. And he’d been in great spirits most of the time. He didn’t normally seem this frail. Maybe it was all in your head due to your conversation with the doctor.

“The nurse got permission to give him more painkiller before you went into the meeting with the doctor,” Jimin murmured, also looking at Theo.

You frowned. “He hasn’t had that very often. Only mild ones at night, to help him sleep better.”

Jimin nodded. “Thought so. Don’t like that.”

“Don’t like that at all,” You agreed, pressing another soft kiss to Theo’s forehead. “Stay close to him while I take Tae home?”

He nodded. “I’ll tell Theo you’ll be right back if he wakes up.”

“Thanks, Jimin. Everything quiet on your family front?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah. They’re quiet for now. The dna test shut them up pretty well. Haven’t heard a peep, especially since you shut that lawyer up.”

You nodded. “Let’s hope it stays that way for now.”

Jimin nodded as well. “He’s really out. Go. You’ll be back soon.”

“Right,” You agreed, reluctantly, carefully extricating yourself from your precious son and his hospital bed. “If the doctor comes by with paperwork for the MRI tell him I’ll be back shortly and tell him about this?”

“Of course. Go, y/n. The quicker you leave, the quicker you’ll be back. I’m going to call and check on Jin.”

You nodded and grabbed your purse, looking over your precious baby one more time before hurrying toward the stairs.

Taehyung was pouting and playing on the tablet that you had brought for yourself, but he perked up when he saw you.

“The laws changed last night,” You told him before you were even fully in the vehicle. “If you want to visit him at the hospital you’d have to become an aid-hybrid.”

He took the pamphlet, frowning. “But…I just want to see my pup. Why can’t I see him?”

“I wish I knew. I have to take you home, though, and then I need to come back because they want to do another MRI and I haven’t signed the paperwork for it yet. He’s having a bad day,” You murmured, sighing. “He had to have pain medicine. He hasn’t had pain medicine during the day in a while.”

Taehyung whimpered, leaning across the console to rest his forehead on your shoulder. “But I want to see him. I want to see him. I know I can’t, but I want to.”

“I know. We’ll figure it out.” You told him softly. “He’s alive. He’s alive, we’re together. And if we can ever get him fully healthy, he’ll come home and we’ll all be together there. And we’ll take him to school, and he’ll grow up, and be good. He’ll be so good.”

“Amazingly good, the best, he’ll be the best person in the world—I can smell it!”

You gave him a gentle smile and then started driving, because you needed to get back to the hospital before any sort of MRI took place. You wanted to be there if they found anything. Anything at all.

You had just pulled into the driveway, when your phone started ringing.

Taehyung had grabbed it while you put the car in park, but he handed it to you with wide eyes.

You snatched it. “Jimin?”

“They-they…he—” Jimin stuttered, then let out a sound while you were throwing the car into reverse and Taehyung was keeping lookout for you. “He just…started…and they…”

“Jimin, full sentences. What happened?” You demanded, racing back toward the hospital.

“He woke up, but he was crying, and he was in too much pain and I paged the nurse and then Theo was screaming because he was in pain, and he wet the bed and the nurse hit the emergency button and they rushed him to testing and—y/n….”

You barely got the car into park, letting Taehyung take care of the vehicle as you bolted to the stairs and took them two at a time.

Jimin met you in the hall, but he was still babbling more or less, absolutely terrified.

You dragged him down the hall to a nurse that seemed to be waiting for you.

“He had a spinal aneurysm that ruptured, he’s in surgery right now and we’re doing everything we can for him. We’ll let you know his condition as things progress.”

You nodded, wanting to snap out a response about not being informed last time, but too scared.

Hadn’t you already gotten too close to losing your baby once?

Jimin squeezed your hand tight and gently pulled you away. “Did you get Taehyung home?”

You shook your head. “We’d just pulled in when you called. He’s parking the car.”

“Okay. Yoongi’s on his way with Jin. Jin can drive Taehyung back to the house.”

“You called Yoongi?”

“I was on the phone with him when Theo woke up. He wanted to take Jin over to your house to be with Tae anyway. He said somebody sane should be here with us when he texted me later.”

“Well he’s not wrong,” You breathed, the feeling of being punched finally settling into your stomach and leaving you breathless. Your baby was in surgery. Again.

It was an age before Yoongi actually arrived, crouching in front of you. “Any news?”

“Ruptured spinal aneurysm. Surgery. Supposedly getting more updates,” You croaked out. You wished Taehyung was here to squeeze the life out of you, but you opted for crushing Jimin and Yoongi’s hands.

“Ok…ok…um…Jin is with Tae, we saw him in the parking lot. I told them to go back to your house, if that’s okay?”

You nodded. “They can’t come in. It’s best if they’re somewhere they can sit comfortably.”

“I almost texted Namjoon and Hoseok but then I figured they were at work and I didn’t want them being distracted for the rest of the day. Best to fill them in when we know more, right?” Yoongi kept talking in a calm tone that was doing wonders to stop your head from spinning. “Have you told Taehyung what you know so far?”

You shook your head.

“Alright, Jin has his phone if you want to call and talk to Taehyung.”

You nodded.

Yoongi pulled out his phone and dialed a number. “Hey, give the phone to Taehyung?”

You waited while Yoongi did, feeling nauseous.

“Hey, y/n wanted to talk to you,” Yoongi murmured, looking up and rubbing the back of your hand. “If she forgets, Theo is in surgery.”

You took the offered phone and got up, pacing away to find a place you could talk and break down without anyone around. “Tae?”

“Surgery?” Tae asked quietly.

“Um…ruptured…spinal aneurysm. They’re trying to fix him…but…they told me he was getting better. They told me….” You sat on the stairs and tried to breath.

“I know,” He whimpered. “I know. I wish I could be there. What can I do?”

“What can any of us do?” You asked in return. “Pray? Wish? Hope?”

“Hyung said we both needed to drink a glass of water,” Taehyung sniffled. “And I’ll do all of those things. Okay? We’re not giving up, not until we’re forced to. Both of us will go drink a big glass of water, try to calm down enough to not go crazy and rely on the others to help us through this.”

“Yeah…yeah, okay.”

“Call or text any new information?”

“I’ll give Yoongi that job since he’s the sane one.”

“That works. Y/n? You know that no matter what, you’ve still got me?”

You managed a bit of a smile. “I remember.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” You hung up and stumbled back to the other two, letting your head fall onto Jimin’s shoulder. “I’ve been told to drink lots of water.”

Yoongi nodded. “I’ll go get all of us some bottles of water. And some snacks. We don’t want to be able to see him and then have to leave because we’re hungry.”

“And can you text them the updates as we get them?”

“Of course. Leave it to me. Thank god we had the day off, huh?” Yoongi tried, attempting to lighten the mood a bit.

You managed to nod even if your face refused to acknowledge the twinge of amusement you felt.

Yoongi kissed the top of your head. “We’ve got you, y/n.”

Jimin nodded as he rested his head on top of yours.

Yoongi kissed Jimin’s head as well, then strolled off to the cafeteria.

A doctor was the one to come out and call for Theo’s family.

An uneasy feeling bloomed within you, but you followed him into the consultation room with Jimin in tow and Yoongi promising to be right outside.

“We’ve done everything we can to help him, but there was significant damage that could cause life-long problems—”

“He’ll live?” Jimin clarified.

The doctor nodded, smiling gently. “He’ll live, but he may be paralyzed or live with significant pain. There is a minimal chance of there being no paralysis.” He kept talking about conditions and things but you were stuck in what had already been said. The word paralyzed bouncing around and echoing in your mind and not leaving any room for anything else.

You knew Jimin was filling Yoongi in, but you just couldn’t focus.

Theo was out of it when he woke up, still drugged up, but you got him to take some ice chips, and then sung him to sleep.

Hoseok and Namjoon showed up a little earlier than you expected, even with their summer schedules, but they were there.

Almost everyone was there, but the one other person that mattered the most to you and Theo.

——

“This one wouldn’t reach the threshold,” Yoongi grumbled, then shook his head. “That’s it. I’ll make the ramps you need. Come on. Let’s go pick up the supplies.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, pushing the cart with supplies after him. The two of you were picking up everything you needed to make things accessible for Theo. You’d done extensive research, and talked to a couple different companies about making your house wheelchair friendly, but all of them were so exorbitantly expensive that after crunching the numbers with Yoongi and Namjoon’s help, it turned out cheaper to just do it yourself, and since Yoongi was also on paid leave for work with the audit continuing, he offered to help set up and install everything.

“I’m sure. I took a lot of woodshop and carpentry classes in high school. Ended up helping the teacher teach the class. And my dad taught me a lot of things as well. He had a construction company and during the summers I would help out on some of the sites for some cash.” Yoongi glanced at his watch. “The class finishes in forty minutes, then we can pick up Jin and Taehyung, head back to the house and get some work done before you have to go relieve Namjoon at the hospital. Even then, Hoseok said he could take the next shift because Theo said he wanted to do some school work.”

“I never thought I’d be grateful for extended paid vacation due to auditing that might put me out of a job,” You muttered, thinking about how crazy it would all be if you had been juggling work on top of all of the things going on.

Theo was paralyzed from the waist down, which meant he would be wheelchair bound, and which meant you had a lot of work to do in the house. You’d already rearranged his room to be more accessible for him, and you’d checked the height of the dining table with the chair and your neighbor, who actually installed tubs and showers for a living, basically gave you all of the bathroom things that would help Theo, and had them installed for you for free since you’d helped him figure out an accounting thing earlier that year that saved his company from hemorrhaging money. You’d found a sort of kitchen counter-like table that you had set up now that was at a good wheelchair height. But there were still things like ramps that needed to be put in and around the house, and things in his bedroom to help him get in and out of bed, and just…things to give him more independence as he got older. Yes, a lot of that would come in the form of physical therapy, but until then, you wanted to make your house as accessible as possible.

“Jin said the class was a joke. He’s been compiling more useful information from perusing the internet and different nursing books.” Yoongi grabbed different types and shapes of wood that made little sense to you, but you figured he knew what he was doing. “He’s practically written his own guide at this point and has been going through it with Taehyung. Jimin’s been helping them, too.”

“Have you heard about that town?” You asked.

He turned toward you and nodded slowly. “I have. Jin just about cried hearing that there was a town, or at least a company, that was trying to take care of the hybrids in it. These laws are ridiculous. No, they’re cruel. A death sentence. I’m glad someone found a way around it all.”

“What are you going to do if the company goes out of business?”

Yoongi sighed, leaning against the shelf. “I don’t know. Jimin’s mentioned maybe starting our own company, so that we could employ Jin, but none of us could come up with any ideas for the company.”

You nodded. “Well, if you do come up with one, let me know. I’m a good number cruncher.”

He chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind. Alright, I think we just need some paint and some sand and we’ll be ready.”

“Paint and sand? Sand paper?”

“Nah, just sand.”

You followed after him, bewildered, but unable to find the words to ask what the sand was for.

“See, when I’m finishing the ramps, I’ll mix some sand into the paint for the tops of the ramps, and that will provide more grip for the wheels and for anyone who might be walking up the ramp as well. Less chance to slip and fall, but also still saving you money.”

You nodded, still a little lost, but trusting him anyway.

Jin and Taehyung were waiting on the bench outside the building, both talking animatedly, when you and Yoongi picked them up.

“This class is a joke,” Jin huffed. “We take the test tomorrow and we’ve learned nothing.”

“Except that the teacher doesn’t have any personal hygiene,” Taehyung added. “Hyung’s going to go over things that he saw in a nursing book with me instead. And Jimin’s going to bring some more books from the library when he gets out of work. I found more information about what might need doing from an article about trained service dogs.”

“Well, Theo will still have some independence, you know. So he won’t need as much as a service dog might provide, at least, not as much as far as we know. I’m still apprehensive about the other, other, other shoe dropping,” You muttered, rubbing your temples. “And at least it should be easy for you to get certified, even if that means you learn more at home. It will allow you to go to Theo’s school and such so it serves its purpose.”

“Yeah. I just…I think it’s a shame that this is all they’re teaching hybrids who are supposed to be helping people. I think we could do better,” Taehyung had a pout in his voice.

You opened your mouth, and closed it, turning slightly to look at Yoongi.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, catching your look and nodding slightly.

That was definitely an idea.

“It couldn’t be that hard to teach us things like, how to lift an injured person, or how to help a blind person, or heck, what you need to know to help anyone. Why not teach hybrids sign language? I know it takes time to learn things like that, but come on! At least get us started, or connected to classes,” Jin ranted. “If a nurse can teach a parent how to lift their injured child to help them, why can’t hybrids be taught that? Most hybrids are stronger by nature! And we can provide more tangible companionship than dogs, who get twice the training we do! No, five times!”

“Did you want to attend the service dog training classes?” Yoongi asked, sounding serious.

That made Seokjin pause. “Wait, why?”

“Well, we could round out our company, and the world always needs more service animals and hybrids, plus then you’d have even more extensive training. Remember that abandoned building over on Fitzgerald road? It’s still in good condition and it’s probably big enough for multiple classes, and training. There’s probably more that we’ll have to look into, but getting certified might be a good first step.” Yoongi looked like he was already mentally crunching numbers.

You slowly started nodding. “Yeah. It would.”

Jin and Taehyung looked lost, but you weren’t really ready to expand as you started calculating an estimate of what it possibly could take to open a training center. Your savings would be shot when it came time to pay the medical bills in full.

Yoongi turned on music just as Taehyung started asking what the two of you had been talking about.

It appeared to be forgotten once at the house though.

By the end of the day, Yoongi had two ramps that were the perfect height and slope and fit over the steps beautifully. Only two more ramps were needed and he promised to have them done by the next day. Then the two of you were sitting with Jimin while the hybrids poured over a book Jimin had brought from the library.

“How much money would it cost to start up?” Jimin asked, looking at the list you and Yoongi had compiled after your research during lunch (you’d given Hoseok the go-ahead to take the next shift with Theo after a phone call with your baby that proved he was in good spirits and more than ready for some catch-up schoolwork).

You pushed the paper toward Jimin.

His eyes scanned it, then he leaned back with a “huh”.

“I can’t swing it with the medical bills,” You murmured, anxiously tapping the end of the pen on your hand.

“My parents want to pay for them. I say let them. And I can do this, like an investment,” Jimin said, shrugging. “Do it. I bet the shelters would love a way for more hybrids to be adopted, and it makes sense. We all still have our jobs, so it’s not like we’re going to risk too much right now. One of us will have to get certified, but I can do that since I’ve already taken some of the classes. And I bet we can work with some of the shelters. I think it’s feasible.”

Yoongi nodded. “I think so too, but Jimin, I can contribute to paying for it all.”

“Forget it, my parents settled their fortune on me after they got their heads out of their asses about Theo’s existence.” Jimin shrugged. “There was more to it than that, but after hours of arguing…let’s just say they’ll be quiet for now. I don’t promise there won’t be trouble in the future, but for now things should be okay. But back to business. Let’s start getting everything together, and working on whatever certifications we might need for this. If you guys want to contribute, you can do so in other ways, but for now it’s best if our money comes from a single source. You’re paying for the apartment right now, anyway, hyung. Think of it as the rent and groceries for the past four months.”

Yoongi was studying Jimin. “You caved and went to work with them, didn’t you? Is that where this job came from?”

“No, I negotiated and my job until I inherit is to manage updating our rental properties and everything that goes with them. It’s more basic than it sounds.” Jimin waved it away. “I’m happy with it, so I’m not complaining, and I can cover the start-up costs. I’ll probably want to work with all of you anyway, so we can just settle it with wages later. You guys do the brain-work, because it makes my head spin.”

“I don’t think I can let your parents pay for Theo. There are too many strings that could still be attached,” You said carefully.

“Look, I can’t explain everything right now, but the money they planned to use had been set aside for…my brother. Since my brother is dead, I convinced them it was only fair and right that his son inherit that. The eventual agreement was that it would be used to pay for his medical bills if he had any, and then college if he wanted to go. Otherwise he would inherit at thirty. There’s a lot more discussion they want to have. With a lawyer, and with you present, in regards to the money, but this was what we managed to come to for the time being. If you refuse, then I have to go back and argue with them for another three days. Please don’t make me argue with them for another three days.” Jimin flopped onto the table with a pout.

You weighed the options out, but kept staring at him. “The strings are attached to you, aren’t they?”

He sighed. “Why am I friends with people who are so suspicious? Yeah, sure. I mean, they made me promise that I would keep them updated on his health. Give them the highlights, like, “Oh, he won the school spelling be” or “he got straight A’s on his report card, again”. But I made them promise not to try and contact you or Theo except through me, and I have it in writing with several witnesses, including their lawyers and a lawyer friend of mine. Is that okay?”

You nodded slowly. “Okay. You can tell them they can pay his medical bills, only because our boss is an idiot that tried to embezzle and if he gets away with it me and Yoongi will be the first ones fired for reporting it.”

“Fair enough,” Jimin replied, smiling. “I’ll let them know. Now, any more objections?”

“I have an objection,” Taehyung huffed, folding his arms. “Don’t you think it’s a little rude to talk so secretively in front of other people?”

Seokjin looked nervous about Taehyung’s objection, fiddling with his flip phone.

Yoongi shrugged. “You two were reading, we were working.”

“Working?” Taehyung asked, coming over and plopping into the chair you pushed out for him.

Seokjin sat beside Jimin.

Yoongi started to talk, but the doorbell rang.

You paused, surprised, then hurried toward the door.

Namjoon held up the bags of food. “I brought dinner. Hoseok is on his way. The hospital had to do a security drill and wouldn’t let him back in because he went to the car to get his book while Theo was sleeping. He said he talked to Theo on the phone and Theo said it was okay for him to go. He still expects you later.”

You nodded. “Okay. Thanks for bringing food, I hadn’t even thought about it.”

“You aren’t going to close the door?”

“Hoseok’s pulling in, it’d be a little awkward,” You answered, glad when Jin came and took the bags from Namjoon because he looked about five seconds away from dropping all of the food onto the ground.

Hoseok hurried up to you. “I’m so—”

“Namjoon explained already. I’ll call Theo’s room and check on him, and I’ll head over as soon as we’re done eating. Come on, Yoongi was about to explain what our job-plan is for after we lose our current jobs.” You ushered him into the house and led the way back. “How’s your summer going so far?”

“I miss teaching already,” Hoseok complained.

After everyone had gotten a plate full of food, Yoongi went over the entire plan concisely. “If we can get this to work, then not only could you two work if you wanted, but we could also help other hybrids get adopted or help them get jobs when the laws change. Because there’s no way these laws are staying the same. It’s still going to be a process, but if we can get it to work….”

Namjoon nodded. “That would be cool. And I would totally be cool with teaching there too, especially in the summer.”

Hoseok nodded emphatically. “I mean, I wouldn’t want as crazy of a schedule as during the school year, but uh, income would be nice.”

“What, tutoring my baby so that he won’t be behind next school year isn’t enough for you?” You teased.

Hoseok rolled his eyes. “You’re paying me in edible food, remember?

“How did lessons go?” Taehyung asked, longing in his eyes.

Hoseok got quiet. “It…was slow. I can see his mind working, but he just can’t seem to find the answer even though I know he knows it and he knows that he knows it. I just think it will take a while for his brain to readjust. There’s a lot going on still, and he’s still getting it, it’s just taking him longer than it used to. He’ll get better at it as he gets physically stronger and things don’t tire him out as easily. He’s still a great speller. He spouts out words all the time.”

You nodded. “He’s been through a lot. He’s still bright and happy, and he’s…mentally active and able. That’s more than enough for me.”

Tae nodded, leaning to rest his head on your shoulder, gazing at nothing. Probably thinking about Theo.

You knew you were thinking about your son. You just wanted to bring him home.

--

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[highwaydiamonds]

Um. Excuse me. You had cancer??

Yeah... I mean I guess I really haven't discussed it much on tumblr. I have a little bit, but only in vague ways, or rarely made veiled references in tags.

SO, get a drink, get a snack, because this is a bit of a saga, and you already know I am longwinded at the best of times. I'm going to do like Vizzini said, and go back to the beginning. I hope you're ok I'm making this public Shells, it seems easier to? And I'll put this behind a cut because I really do wax on ( and on).

It's the end of August 2018 and i appear to have gotten some kind cold/respiratory infection. I'm at work the first day of it and it feels like a cold. No big deal. (Also this is all pre-COVID so no I didn't have COVID). The next day I feel really awful, so I call off work, and figure all I need to do is rest and I'll be ok. Turns out, NOPE. The next day I feel worse- now I can tell I have a bit of a fever, my appetite was basically, " eat one baby carrot and my appetite is exhausted." Finally, I get to the point that I am having trouble lying down - as in I am becoming short of breath when I try to lie flat (sorry if I am using the wrong word - lay/lie was always a grammar issue that eluded me.) So, I decide, ok, i will be sensible girl and go get medical attention. But I am stubborn and feel the ER is overreacting, so I go to urgent care. i park in the front row of urgent car parking, but by the time I reach the intake desk I have to put my head down because I am so winded and a bit lightheaded.

They take one look at me and tell me, point blank, "we're getting a squad for you to take you to the ER." I say, " what? no, I don't need that, this is not that big a deal." They counter, " you could barely walk in the door and you you are having significant trouble breathing. We don't have the ability to see you here." So, for the first time in my life I have to go via ambulance from urgent care to a free standing ER.

I get to the ER - where they decide, OK, lady, you're a mess. Let's get some chest x-rays and we're gonna slap some IV fluids and I can't even recall if they immediately put me on IV antibiotics or not. But after two hours there they informed me, " hey.... So, we think you need to go to the hospital-hospital not the freestanding ER." I tell them well you better hand me my laptop ( I'm that bitch who takes the laptop with her juuuuust in case I am stuck in the hospital. you never know.) Because i am not going to a hospital until I figure out if they're in my health plan. I do so and then for the second time in my life, all in one night because sometimes I am an over achiever i guess, I go via ambulance to the hospital.

They admitted me and over the next few/couple/ hours ( it was hard to tell) I progressively felt worse. I had trouble breathing if I didn't sit absolutely straight up, and at that point I hadn't gotten good sleep for around 60 hours or so. Me being me I started to get teary and panicky, because I was so tired and wasn't sure what to do. I called for the nurse and she came in and then within the next half hour your girl got taken down to the ICU. By the time we arrived down in the ICU I was really getting panicky. My mom died in the ICU ( different hospital but still) and I knew the fact they took me down there was no laughing matter. I started to think about, " ok is this what death is like? this isn't what i thought it was going to be - this is panicky and scary and not all white lights and peace."

The next thing I knew - it was two days later, and I woke up intubated. Did you know that you can be conscious and intubated? I did not. I'll speed things up a bit here. I spent a total of 8 days in the ICU - I had one hell of a case of pneumonia, and there were a couple of other diagnoses thrown in ( nope, not cancer. promise, we will get there.) . The nurses I had were AMAZING. I was intubated for about 6 of those 8 days. Then I got weaned off of it. Funniest moment on the ventilator: Physical therapist comes around and says, " Hey let's get you up and walking, you think you can?" I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to try and communicate, " sure, ok!" It went totally fine, but there were nursing students, residents, other doctors and who knows who else looking out of rooms and over desks at the two of us just y'know... *walking down the hall*. I gestured to the people because it was just flipping weird. I had an audience at the exact time NOBODY wants an audience and it confused the hell out of me. PT advised me, " there aren't too many times ventilated patients are ambulatory. You're a bit of a curiosity so people want to see."

Once I got out of the ICU and was put back on a regular floor, I got to meet with other doctors re those other diagnoses I mentioned ( chronic things I just have to manage) I also mentioned that it had been a really long time since I had been to a GYN and as had been noted in the ICU I spotted quite frequently ( I have never, ever in my life been regular period-wise and it just got weirder over time, but I just didn't really consider it. So I asked while they were setting me up with new practitioners ( my previous doctor had retired) too please set me top with a gynecologist.

So I'm out of the hospital by September 10th, 2018. The gyro appointment occurs i want to say by mid- to late September. I go in and meet her and she's lovely. While I'm up on the table she says, " hey let's do all the things and get a uterine biopsy!" I say, " excellent, do the things!" We agree it's likely going to be nothing but hey we're smart people and we will play it safe. Huzzah Gyno visit accomplished! (if I were a gamer I'd make some kind of ladybits achievement unlocked now, but I'm not a gamer.)

Two or so weeks go by - or however long it takes to get those test results back (some of these spans are lost in the mists of time). Dr Boyle calls me and apologizes that the test results that she was sure would be nothing... they are not nothing. Turns out, it's endometrial cancer.

At that point you could have knocked me over with a feather. Shells, I wanted my mom to be there so badly, I can't even express it. She would have understood how I felt - she'd been there with her breast cancer. But at the same time, I was glad she wasn't there? I remember how heartsick my mom was to tell Grandmommy when Mom got cancer. I didn't want my mom to have to hear that news, to worry about that. Dr Boyle advised me that she would be referring me to a good oncologist and i should hear from them in a week or two.

Thus began MRIS and PET scans and ultrasounds, and blood work etc. The oncologist diagnosed that he figured I might be stage three, but it depended on my lymph involvement. It brought back memories of when Mom was diagnosed and when she told me she was stage three. I asked my Dad later, "what does that mean?" He told me, " there are only four stages, so what do you think?" This time around I knew what it meant. So, we put me down for surgery November 9th, 2018. That's two days before my birthday - so I joked that I was getting my cancer out for my birthday - hooray! My best friend actually flew in from texas for my surgery ( my best friend is a SAINT, and I love her more than pearls and rubies.)

Best surgery story from this experience: For my total hysterectomy (uterus and ovaries go sayonara and then also two signal lymph nodes in the chain of nodes on either side of the pelvis to se if there is any lymph complication.) I had to be tilted back - so with my head down to move as many organs away from the uterus etc during the laparoscopic procedure. I knew this going in, However, when I woke up back in my hospital room I looked at Bestie and said, " I hurt in places I didn't expect to hurt. Oh wait. My shoulders hurt because they're not used to being weight bearing, but the procedure was laproscopic - so why the heck does my vagina hurt?" Bestie in one of her best moments ever says, " I know why." I replied, " wait, YOU know why MY vagina hurts?!" She said, " yep. So your surgery was supposed to take 3-3.5 hours ended up taking 5 hours instead. Your uterus was really big. The oncologist told us they need up having to cut it in half to pull it out of you." bestie admitted she joked with the oncologist that it was like I had just birthed a baby, he looked back at her (NOT laughing) and said, " yes, that's basically what she did." I laughed so much at that ( i mean i was also well medicated, but still) I told Bestie, " I had a Uterus! Let's call it George!" ( In retrospect I am disappointed in myself that I misgendered my own uterus, I should have called it Georgina.)

So, after healing from the surgery, by about January of 2019 I started two courses (each with a few rounds) of chemo. First came what the doctors and I called "low-pro" chemo - that we did along with radiation. Honestly, though i was making a heck of a lot more bathroom trips, you wouldn't have generally known I was sick. Most of my coworkers had no idea. I just was a bit more tired than usual. After the low pro rounds - then we moved to the bigger guns. Radiation was done but I moved to more significant chemo drugs, This wasn't because things were bad - this was the plan all along :) But I knew the "high-pro" chemo was going to make me lose my hair. THAT was a psychic struggle. I cried so much knowing that was going to happen. I got hats and caps and I even got a very nice wig. I mean, I planned as much as a girl can plan when she hears that news. I even preemptively cut my long hair. It was about half way down my back at that point. So I went in and asked the stylist please braid it and put it in between two hair ties - and then cut it - so i could keep my braid. I couldn't do locks of love anyway as it was colored, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted my hair. So, the hair went from half down my back to a face framing bob. then I just waited. And then in a few weeks it happened. I could put my hands through my hair and easily, painlessly pull it out. I am not a cute bald girl. That's when people KNOW you have something going on.

I was very lucky though, there ended up NOT being lymph involvement, and even the high pro chemo didn't make me nauseous or lose appetite. I did have HORRIBLE bone pain usually the first week after chemo ( i'd get it every three weeks). I learned a hell of a lot from that. I also was able to get some meds to help alleviate it a bit, and I took time from work when the pain was at its worst. But I have never experienced pain like that - where no matter what I did - no position changes helped. Even ice packs or heat pads didn't help or do much. It was just a waiting game, a painful waiting game. Oh also - I learned that IV benadryl is nothing like oral benadryl. IV benadryl is like walking right into a brick wall made of sleep. That stuff knocked me the hell out right quick - amazing.

Right before COVID started and the world shut down I got the flu because my immune system was in the toilet- and so I spent another week in the hospital and except for the bone pain that comes with chemo, you know what is worse than chemo injections? POTASSIUM injections. Among other things, my potassium levels were low and so I got those injections with other meds. Those suckers HURT. they BURN, and so i spent a week in the hospital only to eventually come out and find out the world was starting to shut down from COVID. Not my job at that point, but my oncologist told me, " GO HOME - YOU KNOW YOU ARE IMMUNO COMPROMISED - DON'T STAY AT WORK." So, I went home until about a month after I finished chemo.

Since finishing chemo it's been about scans, which have gone ok so far... I'm not willing to talk about the R word. I just think I'll have to be careful the rest of my life - My mom always said, "once you've gotten cancer, you always have cancer." So, maybe it's the anxiety talking, but it's kind of like waiting for the other cancer shoe to drop. In the mean time though, it's business as usual - try to find good stuff in the midst of the hot mess. Cancer has been a crisis but not a reason to lose my sense of humor. I've needed it more than ever :)

So, sorry for the SERIOUSLY LONG ASS answer, but sometimes it's just better to lay it bare. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's been a lot. It's been a journey... It still is... it's part of the rest of my journey, which i hope isn't over by a long shot yet. I don't believe things happen for reasons - the world is WAY too absurd for that in my opinion, BUT good gravy have i been able to learn so much from this whole three ring circus. I'm not grateful for cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons.

Thanks for checking in, Shells. You're a complete sweetheart.

[mae-gi-writes]

Deobi Playlist (EP 8) | The Boyz Imagine

Ep 8: In which Mae and Kevin have THE TALK, and Juyeon and Hyunjae gossip about them. 

The Boyz x Hospital Playlist inspired drabble series. 

Main characters: Kevin, Juyeon, Hyunjae and OC (Mae)

Sides: the rest of The Boyz

Genre: fluff, slice of life, BROMANCE BRUH 

EP 1 | EP 2 | EP 3 | EP 4 | EP 5 | EP 6 | EP 7 | EP 8 | EP 9 | EP 10 | EP 11

----------

Kevin's heart is racing in his chest and up his throat. Suddenly, it feels a little too hot in the room, his coat weighing down on his shoulders like wet clothing that makes him want to squirm in place. 

He knows he can't avoid this forever. But he also can't seem to look into Mae's eyes, for fear of what he might find there. 

"Kevin?"

Running a hand over his face and allowing a sigh to escape, he answers, "yes. Yes, I do."

He focuses his attention on her feet. Silence reigns over the room as he contemplates whether he should bolt out of the door. 

"You idiot."

He forces himself not to wince, preparing for the rain of rejections that will splatter his body like arrows.

And then, Mae is punching his shoulder, "you idiot. You're so stupid." 

Surprised, his eyes flutter up to her face only to see her flustered, somewhat guilty expression. Realization dawns, chest releasing its tension. 

He grabs her wrist in mid-punch to halt her actions, unconsciously pulling her closer as he does so and there's no chance of hiding his joyous surprise when the said woman averts her eyes this time as though she is embarrassed.

"I like you too," comes her mumble, "why didn't you tell me?"

"How was I supposed to tell you? I was friendzoned before I even tried."

"I didn't friendzone you."

"You kept saying how you'd never date any of us because we were like brothers to you."

"Okay fine," she pauses, "I might have said that. But that's beside the point. The point is…"

She trails off unsurely then and Kevin's heart practically skips a beat at how close they are. A little closer and his lips can touch her cheek. 

"The point is that we're both idiots running circles around each other," Kevin says. 

"Excuse me, weren't you the one hiding underneath YOUR DESK?"

"I was panicking, that doesn't count."

They trail off into another bout of silence, albeit comfortable this time. Kevin allows his thumb to stroke the underside of her wrist, relishing in its softest and not failing to catch the hint of a smile Mae tries her hardest to tuck away behind a mask of nonchalance. 

Ring ring ring!

UGH, Kevin feels like groaning out loud as he whips his phone out of his coat pocket before slamming it to his ear with barely restrained annoyance. 

Of all times, why now?

"Yes?"

"Dr. Moon! Patient Seunghee who you sent for an MRI scan is having difficulty breathing! Her blood levels are dropping rapidly and she says she's having chest pains."

"I'll be there in five. Where are you?"

"Block four Pediatrics, doctor."

"I'm coming. Try to calm her down."

He snaps his phone shut as Mae allows her hand to return to her side, "emergency?"

"Yeah. She was admitted yesterday. Seemed fine though," he mumbles, brain already speeding through his thoughts at the numerous reasons why her body is reacting this way and unconsciously striding towards the door, when he swivels back round to face Mae. 

"We need to talk."

Mae waves her fingers at him, "go. We’ll do that later.” 

He doesn't need to be told twice before dashing out of his office and down the corridor.

-------------------

"Psst. Juyeon."

Juyeon glances back at the door to see it ajar, with Mae's head peeking out from the slit. He looks back at Doctor Sangyeon talking about the medical care for one of his patients and hands his clipboard over to the other intern before quickly slipping out of the office. 

"What is it?" He asks, taking note of her flustered expression and...is she blushing?

"I told Kevin." 

His eyes grow wide, "told Kevin...what?" 

"That I knew about him liking me," she pauses, "and that I like him."

"What? Wait--" Juyeon frowns in confusion, "is this why you pulled me out?!"

"Maybe."

"Mae!"

"What?!" She can't help but stomp her foot lightly and is glad that at this time of the day, there aren't many doctors around to see the frazzled state in which she's in, "Hyunjae's in surgery and I needed to talk to someone."

"Thanks for making me sound like the last option that you have."

"Juyeon, not the time for jealousy right now."

"But, okay wait--what did he say?"

"That...he thought I had friendzoned you all and that's why he never said anything."

"He does have a point."

"I did not--when did I friendzone you?!"

"Oh come on, Mae. You totally did, remember when we were--"

"Juyeon!" Sangyeon's voice booms out from his office and the said intern tenses up in panic. 

The door slides open to reveal the said doctor looking more than a little displeased. 

"Sorry Dr. Sangyeon," Mae quickly fibs, "it's my fault. I needed some data for the reports I'm writing up and Juyeon has them."

"Well make it quick. I need him."

"Yes, doctor."

Mae waits until the door slides fully closed before quickly ushering Juyeon away, "I'll see you later."

Juyeon pauses, hand on the doorknob, "dinner?"

"Sure."

"I want steak."

"Ask your girlfriend to buy you some."

He pouts, "you're so mean."

"See you, loser."

"See you."

"Love you."

"Keep that for Kevin." 

Juyeon wastes no time in shutting the door before Mae can come and kick his ass. 

-------------------

The moment Hyunjae steps out of the surgery room to peel off his mask and let out a relieved sigh -- a sign that the surgery has gone well without any complications -- his phone starts buzzing through his pants pocket. Fishing it out and seeing Juyeon’s name flash across the screen, he pulls his face into a grimace before accepting the call. 

He presses it to his ear, “I don’t have ramen. You gotta go buy some.” 

“That’s not why I called,” Juyeon retorts at the other end of the line. 

Hyunjae rolls his eyes. He moves towards his office, nodding at the few nurses along the way, “yeah? What do you need then?” 

“Are you done with surgery?” 

“I answered the phone didn’t I?” 

“Come to the cafeteria.” 

“But I’m tired,” Hyunjae whines.

“Trust me, you’ll want to hear this.”

When Hyunjae steps into the cafeteria a few minutes later, it doesn’t take him long to spot Juyeon sitting at one of the corner tables tucked away in a corner, digging into his food with barely contained gusto. Smiling at the sight that brings back memories of his own internship days, Hyunjae quickly grabs his own tray, fills it up with food and curry (beef stew, his favourite) and goes to join the katter at his table. 

“Hello stranger, haven’t seen you around here in awhile,” the older man says while taking his seat opposite Juyeon. 

“I’ve been needing to hand in reports back to back and I have a surgery at six tonight. I’ve literally got only this time to eat,” Juyeon replies.

“Oh? With who?” 

“Jacob. His interns are taken up with the Emergency Department so Sangyeon sent me over.” 

“Damn,” Hyunjae shoves a spoonful of food into his mouth, “so? What’s so important that you couldn’t tell me over the phone?” 

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he catches sight of the grin blossoming over Juyeon’s face and lighting his features up like a Christmas tree. 

“What?” Hyunjae asks impatiently, “What is it? Tell me!” 

“Mae dropped by to see me this morning.” 

“Uhuh.” 

“And she said--” 

“Wait wait,” Hyunjae cuts him off, “she didn’t come to see me?! Wow, that’s just rude of her--”

“You had a surgery.” 

“Oh right. Go on.” 

“So she came to me and said--” Juyeon proceeds to lower his voice, “that she and Kevin had THE TALK.” 

Hyunjae blinks, “Huh?” and then, realizing the importance of Juyeon’s words, his eyes widen, “WHAT--”

Juyeon doesn’t hesitate to shut him up by shoving some curry into his mouth, “shush!” 

“Sorry,” Hyunjae mumbles with his mouth full. He swallows it quickly with some water, reaching over to slap Juyeon’s shoulder in the process, “tell me! What talk?! What do you mean?! Do you mean--” 

“Yeah,” Juyeon shoots him a pointed look, “yeah. THE TALK. You know what I mean.” 

“And?! What did he say?! Don’t tell me he denied it!” 

“Keep your voice down!” Juyeon glances around just in case there are any eavesdroppers, “anyway, yeah they talked. And they--well, I guess they came to an agreement that they both liked each other--” “About time.” 

“Yeah. Apparently he told her that he thought he was being friendzoned.” 

“Oh yeah, wouldn’t surprise me there. Mae has some amazing friendzoning skills,” Hyunjae’s shoulder lifts into a shrug at that, causing Juyeon’s eyebrows to stitch together, “what do you mean?” 

“Let’s just say I thought Mae was pretty cute--” 

Juyeon gawks before smacking his arm, “Why didn’t you tell me?!” 

“--Before she opened her mouth,” Hyunjae finishes with a roll of his eyes, “that girl has like a sniper inside her tongue. With the amount of shit she spouts on a daily basis, I’m surprised her tongue hasn’t fallen off yet.” 

“Oh. yeah. She’s kind of rough around the edges.” 

“Not that I mind that type of girl. But it’s just Mae. I can’t see her as anything more now,” Hyunjae says with a shudder, “also, I think my mom might have dissuaded me from even thinking about dating her.” 

“But your mom loves her.” 

“Exactly my point. I don’t want her getting any in on who I can date or not. It’s my life, I can do whatever I want.” 

“No wonder you’re still single.” 

“And you’re whipped.” 

“Mae came to me first though.” 

“Because I had a surgery!” 

“Yeah whatever, loser.” 

------

Tagging: @juyeonzz​ @thesingingfae1905​

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! 

[isa-bella-cognition]

tw: claustrophobia, medical mention, hospital mention, needle/injection mention, drug mention

Okay. No one told me an MRI can take up to 1.5 hours. I don’t know why I only thought to look this up tonight – the night before. I leave in less than two hours. I read that it usually takes 15-95 minutes, depending on how much of the body is being scanned. Seeing as how this is for my spine, I can only assume they’ll want to scan my entire body. Great.

I looked up MRI’s the day mine was scheduled about a month ago. I was panicking cause I’d just realized my claustrophobia could present a problem, so I researched online to find out if MRI machines are fully enclosed – they’re not, thank fuck – and calmed down once I found read the answer. But tonight after I realized the MRI could take a long time, I’m anxious again.

Listen, not much scares me. I have anxiety in my body all the time, and I’ve been in some fucked up situations, so I’m very accustomed to the feeling of fear, BUT, very few things actually frighten me. Needles, blood, heights, snakes, the dark, being alone — those don’t phase me. But to call my claustrophobia bad would be an understatement. It pisses me off to think about it, cause yeah, I know there are primal reasons humans can fear tight spaces / engulfment, but it still pisses me off. I have this phobia that for the life of me I can’t get rid of nor control when it arises. I’ve been to two of those haunted house / interactive spooky entertainment places — the ones with spooky noises and people in costumes and shit? Nothing in there scares me (except for my heightened startle response – thanks, cptsd). But the time I went with my family... we were walking in a line, behind one another, holding on to the shoulders of the person in front of us... it’s pitch black.. all of a sudden there are two large fabric sheets on either side of us, and there’s air blowing them together so they envelope us as we walk. My brother, sister, cousin, Uncles, Dad, and Grandma all remember to this day — the sound of my blood-curdling “sounded like she was being fucking murdered” screams. Once I could stop screaming I yelled out the safe word “nightmare” and proceeded to bawl on my grandmother. Like a little bitch. lmao. See? Pathetic. The idea that I have this seemingly irrational fear that I can’t control is so annoying to me, despite the science suggesting claustrophobia is common and natural (due to evolutionary conditioning).

Anyway. Now that I know this could take a long while, I’m worried my claustrophobia could be a bigger issue than I previously anticipated. I figured, “I’ll just drink chamomile tea and meditate before I go, then take 2 Seroquel and I’ll be fine.” But now I’m a little worried that all the chamomile and seroquel in the world won’t help me lol.

Goddamnit. I better be able to maintain composure or I’m gonna be annoyed with myself. You’re supposed to stay as still as possible while getting an MRI. Plus, I can’t afford to reschedule; with covid, it’s so damn hard to get appointments anywhere 😒

OH. And to add insult to injury! The place I’m going to get the MRI? The hospital I haven’t been to since 2012. The hospital I stayed in twice, in their psychiatric wing. When I get emotional flashbacks when walking through a hospital, I’m thinking about this hospital. Fuck, moving back here might have been a stupid move. Ugh, whatever. No point thinking like that; I can move if I want to, that’s not a problem. Plus, I chose to move here, and for right now the benefits outweigh the negatives. Just gonna focus on what I can change and be grateful for what’s working.

Ugh, wish me luck 😒

[dirtymikekidd]

I’m a miserable f*ck

This is going to be the place where I write down how the day’s events have effected my interpersonal feelings. This first post will be a lot of random stories from my life that I feel like have shaped how I look at life.

I’m setting a course to change my outlook on my life. There has been many things that I’ve not been able to let go of. Most of them are little things that really shouldn’t bother me let alone still be thinking about years later. Hell I still think back to when I was in 8th grade. I was on my way to my history class. There was a girl that I had the hots for at her locker, which was right next to the class I was running late for. I decided to make a joke about a haircut that I had seen to her. you know, trying to break the ice. It kind of worked. She hadn’t ever given me the time of day. But I managed to make her laugh. The tardy bell rings, and I got into class. I only had a few seconds of feeling on top before the teacher,    Mr. H., made a comment to me, which killed my feelings of elation. It was something along the lines of “Don’t even try, she’s way out of your league.” 

It was one of the only times I’ve ever put myself out there like that. It felt like a huge slap in the face. I was 13 when that happened. I’m 27 now. Anyway, I’m getting a little off topic. I don’t expect anyone to read what I type here. I just know that it’s making things worse by keeping everything bottled up. 

Let me start off by saying, I’ve gone through things that I can only hope that my children don’t ever have to go through. Growing up I became my family’s mortician. Not because we were intentionally killing any animals, but because I lived on a farm and you know, diseases and wild predators. Either way I’ve buried 1 dog, 3 cats, 3 sheep, a stillborn foal (baby horse), and roughly 10 chickens. I do think dealing with all of it as often as I did, has made me numb to death.

 I was around 9 when I dug my first grave. It was for our dog, Auggie. he was a fat golden retriever. Like fat enough to get the nickname of “the coffee table”. You could put a cut of water on his back and it wouldn’t spill. He ended up being put down by gun... He either had a seizure or was electrocuted (because he used to lay up under our Christmas tree). Anyway so something snapped and he suddenly didn’t know who we were. He was growling and barking at my sister and me. My mom let him outside. Normally we wouldn’t put him on a chain or in a fenced in area because we lived in the middle of no where, and he wasn’t one to run off. This time he did. We found him at our closest neighbor’s house, roughly a quarter to a half mile from our house. Mom brought him home and put him in one of the spare horse stalls that we had. I overheard my mom and dad talking about how they weren’t sure what to do with him, as they were worried what he might do to me and my sister, or what he’d do to the other animals. It was decided it was his time. My dad asked me to go outside and dig a hole. But not by any barn openings or where water ran off. So I dug a hole. 4ft long, 3 ft wide, and about 3 ft deep. I went back in after it was dug, and my mom told me to stay in the house and don’t look outside until she came back in. She went outside carrying a .22g pistol. I knew what was about to happen. and even though she told me not to look outside, I still did. 2 shots rang out, Auggie dropped into the hole I had just dug not even 20 minutes before. A moment later another 2 shots rang. I didn’t know why it took 4 shots until I overheard my parents talking about it. Apparently Auggie was fat enough that the first couple bullets didn’t actually kill him. And when he dropped into the hole, he was crying in agony. The second 2 shots ended his suffering. He was my best friend growing up. And I hate that his life ended that way. I don’t hold any of it against my parents. I know they were trying to protect their family unit. I still think about him to this day.

The cats were inside/outside cats. Or as my dad called them, barn cats. In the 14 years we lived on the farm, we had at least 20 cats. Most of them were either hit by cars or another animal killed them. We had one cat, Thomas, who had just showed up one day. He looked just like Garfield. He had a huge gash on his front leg and a bowel blockage. Mom talked my dad into taking him to the vet. We got him all fixed up and basically adopted him. He became a mostly indoor cat, but he would still get let outside. He never took off anywhere. He would just kinda hang out in the barns hunting mice or laying in the sun. One Sunday morning I got up and looked outside. And there he was laying at the end of our driveway...internal organs hanging out. There was a blood trail that looked like he was hit in the middle of the road, then drug off to the side. I buried him right next to Auggie. the other two cats were killed by a dog we had been watching for a family as they went on a missionary trip.

The sheep were for a 4-H project that me and another kid had been working on. Let me rephrase, we were supposed to be working on it together, but he took off and I couldn’t get ahold of him. Anyway, so I don’t actually know what it was that killed them, but some animal had gotten in and ripped up their necks

The stillborn would’ve been the fifth horse born at our house. It was my dad’s dream horse with the color of its’ fur. It holds the record for the biggest sized hole I’ve dug to this day.

The chickens..... that’s a grave I wish I could’ve done differently. They’re the only mass grave I’ve ever dug. Two holes about 3 ft deep and about a foot wide. They didn’t make it through the sickness that most chickens go through in the first year or so of their lives.

Continuing on the subject of death..so back in 2008 my mom was kicked in the chest and arm by one of our horses as we were getting ready to start cleaning stalls. My dad took her to the hospital because they were sure she had a broken rib. She had x-rays done and what they found was worse.. masses in her lungs. The doctors did a full body MRI. Masses in the lungs and a couple more in the brain... cancer... stage IV lung cancer that had spread. We found out on New Year’s day. Within a couple weeks she was starting chemo. By September she had a treatment called “Gamma knife surgery” on the mass on her frontal lobe of her brain. They continued the chemo on her lungs, and things seemed to be going into remission. Her battle finally ended at 10;45pm on June 5th, 2010.... I wasn’t home when it happened. I was 2 towns over celebrating my best friend’s 16th birthday...I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for not being there...

I’m not sharing these details because I want sympathy. But because I’m stuck living in the past and I’ve never been able to get out of my own head. As the title says, I’m a miserable fuck because of it.

The next post will job stuff..

[onigirimsby]

but all love is uneven

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia

Character: Todoroki Shoto

Pairings: Todoroki Shoto x reader

Tags: Angst with a happy ending

Warnings: implied/referenced suicide

Word Count: 3024

Good intentions, bad decision. You have the ability to reset time by dying, unfortunately, the consequences start catching up to you, and your husband is in the crossfires.

(Title from Anne Carson's Town of Uneven Love (But All Love Is Uneven))

Read on AO3 or keep reading:

“I’m sorry. This isn't how I wanted to tell you.” You can’t look him in the eye, so you fiddle with the results of the MRIs and x-rays and other medical exams. You shuffle through the papers in the folder that all say the same thing. For no reason any doctor can explain, your body is suddenly riddled with the remnants of several impossible injuries. You touch your head on the spot where they found the tumor - the thing that would kill you before any of the other injuries could. The tumor was your most recent injury, if you could call it that.

“I don’t understand.” Shoto says quietly. You think about how you never really planned on telling him anyway. All this time, you let him - everyone - think you didn’t have a quirk. The truth was too complicated.

“I can...rewind...time,” you start explaining again, “by dying.” You sneak a glance at his face, searching for any clues about how he’s feeling.

“I get that part. What I don’t understand...is why you wouldn’t tell me.” Shoto fiddles with the ring on his finger that matches your own. It was a new enough accessory that he didn’t have a permanent tan line on his ring finger yet.

“I didn’t want you to worry, Shoto.” He looks at you sharply as you speak.

“How many times?” You tilt the test results so he can see every unusual injury on you. “Did you save them?” You smile at the question. You knew that part he would understand.

“Every time.” You said. You can see he’s thinking it over, and you know him well enough to dread the next question.

“Have you ever saved me?” You nod, because your throat is suddenly too thick for words. “How many times?”

“Just once,” you manage to whisper. His fists clench.

“Which one?” He asks, gesturing to the body scan showing your injuries. You wish you could lie to him now, but it’s a little too late, perhaps.

“This one,” you point to a shadow over your chest, “and this,” your hands are shaking as you point to the tumor in the picture of your brain. His head whips from the images to your sorry face.

“What happened?”

“You died,” you choke, “so I...jumped off a building-”, you point at the shadow on your chest, “-and went back to the day of the incident. I was too late that time, and the villain, he…” Shoto took your hand and squeezed. “He shot me-” you pointed at the tumor again, “and the time reset again. I went back a week earlier, this time, and gathered enough evidence to get him arrested before he could try anything.”

“So, this is my fault,” he says, utterly serious, as he traces the shadow of the tumor growing in your brain. He couldn’t believe how oblivious he was. How could he not notice that you’d spent a whole week gathering evidence against a potential villain? Getting the evidence to stick so the villain went to prison? Saving lives?

“No!” This is precisely why you hadn’t wanted to tell him about your quirk. “This was my decision, Shoto. I wanted to save you. I couldn’t live with myself if I just let you go like that!” He suddenly takes you in his arms, holding you tight.

“I’m so sorry.” He tucks his face in the crook of your neck. His voice is serious, but you can tell he’s holding back tears. You bring your arms around him.

“I’m not sorry.” You say, rubbing circles on his back the way you know he likes. “If I hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t be holding you like this now. I wouldn’t be hearing your voice. I wouldn’t be sharing my life with you.”

“But...what am I supposed to do now? I can’t save you from this.” This is a side of him you’ve never seen. Shoto never gave up, never backed down. You never wanted to see him hopeless, yet here you both were.

“You don’t have to save me, Shoto. Being here with you is more than enough.” As you speak, you think about how you’d trade your life for Shoto’s any day. “Maybe I’ll come back again. Maybe I’ll rewind again.” You’re crying now, because deep inside you know this might be it. The injuries of every reset are catching up to you, and this might be the final death. This time, it’s not your choice. You’re not throwing yourself off a building, or slitting your wrists, or any of the other things you’ve inflicted upon yourself. This time, your own body is saying enough is enough. There was no way you could save yourself - you had 5 years left - but maybe you could save him just one more time.

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

You’ve been thinking about this for a month now, which to you seems like a long time if you want your plan to work out. After all, you wanted to see at least a small glimpse of his future before your time was up. Shoto had no idea you were planning anything, of course. After all this time, after all the resets, you’ve gotten very good at keeping things from him.

Shoto has been the perfect husband. He went to treatments with you, sometimes even forcing you to go, even though the prognosis wasn’t good. He took care of you the best he could, even though you could tell it was breaking his heart. You couldn’t do this to him any longer. That’s how you found yourself lying in the tub full of sleeping pills and alcohol.

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

It’s four years ago, on the day you and Shoto would’ve met for the first time. You wake up in your old apartment, and you feel a pang of nostalgia. You haven't travelled back this far since you first realized you were in love with Shoto. You hadn’t wanted to risk messing anything up.

The first thing you do is write down every incident you’d ever stopped, every life you’d ever saved, that was about to happen all over again in the next four years. You plot the dates and times, and write every last detail you could remember, including detailed plans to prevent them from happening.

Only when you’re finished do you sit back and think about what you’ve done. You glance up at the clock. You met Shoto after your friend and his friend set the two of you up on a blind date. You figure standing him up would be the best way to ruin everything right now. The clock ticks to 3:30PM, which was when you left your apartment the first time around.

You feel your throat tighten as tears roll down your cheeks, but you continue watching the clock, thinking about everything you’re giving up. The clock keeps moving until it’s 4PM, the appointed meeting time. Your phone buzzes. As expected, your friend has sent a good luck text.

4:15PM and your phone buzzes again and the name that appears makes your chest feel tight. “Hi, this is Todoroki Shoto. Our friends set us up for a blind date today.”

“Sorry! Can’t make it.” You send back, trying to sound rude enough to hate, but not too rude that it’s unbelievable. You can imagine the cute flustered look on Shoto’s face. You can’t seem to stop crying.

“I’m sorry for the trouble. Would you like to reschedule?” His familiar politeness in spite of it all makes you laugh through the tears and you’re feeling a little crazy. You leave him on read and hope he doesn’t try to contact you again.

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

You’re at the hospital again, and receiving the same “shocking” results. It’s a different doctor, but she still isn’t able to explain your strange residual injuries. She can, however, tell you that the injuries aren’t what you should be worried about. Even though you’ve reset to four years  ago (not that the doctor knows this), the tumor in your brain will still kill you in five years or less. You’d already guessed this before resetting. You were just biding your time.

You had the uncanny ability to remember everything when you reset. You spend the familiar four years with your friends and family, and you avoid Shoto, but that’s easier said than done when he’s always saving the day on the news. You save the same lives you’ve saved before, but you manage to fly under the radar. You don’t tell anyone about your quirk, but of course you can’t lie about your diagnosis. Everyone is loving and supportive, but you miss him.

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

The hardest thing in the world happens three years after you travelled back in time. You’re in the hospital again, sitting in a wheelchair, because treatments leave you feeling weak. You’re supposed to be resting, but you find yourself people-watching in the cafeteria, unread novel abandoned because you’re a little too dizzy to read right now.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” Your heart clenches at the familiar voice. You shake your head without looking up. He slides into the seat next to you, because the cafeteria is a little full. You know you should leave or pretend you’re reading, but the temptation is too strong. Against your will, you turn to face Shoto.

“Who are you visiting?” You smile, even as you curse yourself for giving in. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, and you had to remind yourself to breathe. You tried to take him in subtly, every feature live-in-living-color in front of you, so close.

“How did you know I was visiting someone?” He asks, then takes a bite from his sandwich.

“You don’t look like a patient.” Of course, you could guess who he was visiting. You flashed back to the memory of another timeline, when you’d visited an injured friend with him. In that memory, you were holding a “Get well soon” balloon, but the Shoto in this timeline hadn’t brought anything. “Are you bringing them something?”

Shoto looks surprised for a second. “Should I?”

“Most people here seem to like it, even if it’s usually useless stuff. It’s just a nice gesture, I think.” Just a little more. You’ve missed him so much, it was unbearable, but the next two years might be a little easier if you could see him and talk to him just a little bit more.

“What do you suggest?” He asks.

“The gift shop is near here. You could pick something you think they’d like.” When you finish speaking, Shoto balls up the sandwich wrapper and you think the conversation is over.

“Could you show me?” You’re surprised when he asks, and he’s looking at you so earnestly. You see the tips of his ears are flushed pink, and your heart stutters.

“Of course!” You want to kick yourself. You need to back off now. Instead, you let him wheel you to the gift shop.

“I’m Todoroki Shoto, by the way.�� He says as you inspect the chocolates in the gift shop. You panic. What are you supposed to do? Tell him your name? Give him an entirely fake name?

“You should get this!” You quickly hand him a random bar of chocolate large enough to surprise him. “I have to go now. Bye!” You wheel yourself out of there as fast as you can, and hope Shoto forgets about you.

About an hour later, a friend comes to pick you up. As you get inside the car, you see your favorite nurse jogging towards you, giant chocolate bar in her arms. She yells your name and your heart sinks.

“Todoroki Shoto was asking around about you. He said to give you this.” The nurse says as she hands you the chocolate bar. She looks incredibly impressed that a pro-hero, the Todoroki Shoto, would be looking for you, let alone giving you chocolate. You see that it’s not the exact one you pushed into Shoto’s arms, so maybe he gave that one to his friend. The card attached has “Thank you” scribbled in a familiar scrawl. Underneath the scrawl, the words “Get well soon” are printed in a bubbly font. Your friend and the nurse eye each other awkwardly.

“Thanks!” Your friend says to the nurse. “We better get going now.”

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

It’s your final mission. You have submitted your evidence against the villain who, if not stopped, would end up killing Shoto and several others. Except, you’ve run into an unexpected hitch. This time, you’re not married to a pro-hero. The police are insisting you need a personal guard, just until the villain is put away for good.

You end up under the careful protection of Uraraka Ochako. That was one of the worst things about resetting the timeline. You also lost half of your friends: the friends you and Shoto shared. You wonder if maybe it would be okay to be friends with Uraraka again. You’ve missed her a lot too.

You’re thinking some more about befriending Ochako again on the way home from yet another treatment at the hospital. Another friend is driving you home and it’s a little awkward because Ochako insisted you sit beside her in the backseat just in case. Ochako was right. Just a few minutes into the drive home, a much larger vehicle slams into your friend’s car. It takes you a moment to recognize the SUV as belonging to the villain you were currently prosecuting, and another moment to realize that Ochako has your friend’s car suspended mid-air, mid-tumble. But it’s too late. The SUV slammed into your side of the car. It was a purposeful and targeted attack, and the impact alone has you slipping into unconsciousness.

*~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~* *~*~*~*

You’re floating in and out of sleep, and everything is hazy and confusing. When you’re awake, you have the sense of being in a very busy place, lots of people, lots of noise. When you’re asleep, you feel a thread in the middle of your chest tugging and tugging, threatening to unravel you. Something in your brain is telling you to hold on to that thread; don’t let it unravel. But you’re so tired, and so weak.

You hear your name, suddenly, loud and clear, even though Shoto isn’t shouting it. You crash into wakefulness. Shoto? It takes longer for your eyes to open, and you find yourself in a hospital room. You hear your name again, and this time you’re sure it’s him.

“Hi.” You manage to say, though your throat is dry and scratchy and the word comes out in a breathy rasp.

“Do you remember me?” Shoto frowns, and you recognize him both as your Shoto and the Shoto of this other timeline where you were never supposed to meet him.

“Yeah…” You say again, because trying to nod hurts too much.

“I...remember you.” Shoto says carefully. You don’t know what to say, so you stay silent. He continues, “We all...remember you.”

“What?” Is all you can say, sounding dumb even to yourself.

“You were in a car crash.” He gestures to your body, which must be lying injured in bed, though you can hardly see. “And after that, we all started getting these dreams...almost like weird memories...of things that never happened, or things that did happen but different.”

“Oh…” You suddenly remember the feeling of unraveling in your dreams. You remember your subconscious screaming at you to hold on, to keep those strings to yourself. You realize now that what you were holding on to were the timelines and memories, and clearly you hadn’t managed to hold on to them.

You notice Shoto is nervously fiddling with his empty ring finger, right where his wedding ring was supposed to be. He notices you looking and stops. “I died.” He says this in a matter-of-fact voice. “I was supposed to die.”

“God, I messed up.” You start to tear up. “You weren’t supposed to know. No one was supposed to know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I love you...a lot. I know that sounds crazy coming from someone you don’t even know,” you’re full-on crying now, “but it doesn’t matter now, and I’m going to die, for real this time, and I just didn’t want you to feel bad.”

Shoto looks perplexed. It was his job to be the hero, to save people, and here you were resetting timelines to keep him from being upset. A long silence passed as he thought about what to say to you.

“We were married, in the dreams. I remember that. We were supposed to go on a blind date, and it was really fun, and you were so easy to talk to. But it didn’t happen like that.” Shoto’s still confused.

“Sorry,” you say on reflex, then you correct yourself, “Actually, no, I’m not. I’m sorry you’re confused now, but it beats seeing you miserable because you had to watch me dying slowly. So, I’m not sorry.”

“I’m still miserable. I’m still watching you.” Shoto grips your hand fiercely. He wipes your tears away without thinking and you miss him so much. God, he’s right there, but it’s different, and you miss him so much. “I may not remember everything, and the memories - the dreams - aren’t always clear, but I remember loving you.”

“One year left. At the most, I have one year left.”

“Then we’ll just have to make the most of it.”

“You just said you barely remember me.”

“I remember what it’s like to love you, and the me that loved you that much was the happiest version of myself. I was happy just dreaming, remembering, the life we shared. If we have one year left to try again, then I’ll take it.”

“I feel so stupid trying to reset the timeline. It was never going to be anything but you and me, huh?” Shoto smiles at you, and you find yourself smiling back. You don’t know what’s going to happen now, and you no longer want to know. You’ll do the best you can with whatever time you have left, because that’s all you can really do.

[thelittleinjenthatcould]

Hi loves! My latest post is up #ontheblog Jen Finds Gems

New Post has been published on https://www.jenfindsgems.com/more-than-migraines/

Opening Up About my Health: More than Migraines

On October 11th the symptoms started. I went for a bike ride on a beautiful Sunday morning (feeling a little nauseous, but ready to power through it). It was pretty hot and I biked farther than usual so when I returned feeling more nauseous than before and a little “out of it”, I figured I was just dehydrated. I remember speaking to my sister and brother in law on the phone about an hour later and suddenly starting to feel a migraine come on. I figured if I just take it easy and drink some water with my usual migraine meds, it would pass quickly.

It didn’t.

On October 13th I visited my primary Doctor for my symptoms. My migraine was still present but I was feeling dizzy and nauseous. I knew something was wrong. I made the mistake of mentioning that I thought I had vertigo, and after doing a few manual tests (follow my finger, touch your nose, walk in a straight line, etc.) the Doctor said that’s what it sounds like so let’s treat it as vertigto. He preseribed me a anti-dizziness medication called Meclizine and told me that in order to recover and help with the dizziness, I should see a physical therapist.

What? A physical therapist? This won’t pass on it’s own? I have to see a physical therapist to help me walk “normal” again? How did this happen? How long am I going to feel this way? I had so many questions! I visited a physical therapist twice before I realized that there was a bigger problem that lied ahead. The therapist listened to my symptoms and concerns and ran a few tests on his own (the epley maneuver) and realized that this didn’t sound like vertigo at all. “I think we are dealing with something bigger here Jen,” he told me.

I kept that with me. Something bigger. Okay… but what? No one could give me answers.

I was a mess and everyday functions seemed difficult or damn near impossible. I couldn’t move too quickly. I couldn’t look around a room without getting pains. It had gotten to the point where just turning my head from one side to the other felt like the room was violently spinning and I was beginning to have double and blurred vision in my right eye. I couldn’t lay flat, sleep on my right side, or sleep in total darkness because that made the dizziness worse. I felt like I was free falling in the dark and of course that made me super nauseous.

Saturday morning I woke up ready to vomit and I almost fell to my feet. Walking was too difficult because I swayed from one side to the other and I had to run and grab a wall to hold. I fell to my knees and crawled to the bathroom, vomiting for hours. When my husband returned home (he went to drop the kids off at family’s house so he could take care of me) I was hugging the toilet, sweating and holding my head with my eyes closed. I didn’t know if I was having a stroke, a seizure, suffering from brain tumor, or an aneurysm. I was terrified.

That day Nick took me to the Emergency room. They drugged me up and ran countless tests from MRI’s, MRA’s, CT scans and heart evaluations. I was picked and prodded by nurses and Doctors and the on site Neurologist told me that my exams came back fine. He said there wasn’t any area of concern that he could find but he wanted me to follow up with ENT for a possible inner ear issue and then follow up with him for brain evaluations as this could have been linked to my migraines. He also prescribed a medication by the name of Topiramate which is an anti-seizure medication that is used to treat migraines.

After coming home from the hospital, covered in EKG tabs.

I have been suffering from migraines for over 20 years and they never presented themselves in this way. What was happening inside my body? Why now and why wasn’t anything showing up on the tests? I was confused and I was scared.

I was released from the hospital the next day, more confused and afraid than ever. I had no idea what was happening and what I was supposed to do from here. So this is it, I thought. This is how I’m going to feel forever.

As the days and weeks went on, I continued to do research, pray and research more. I made an appointment with an ENT Specialist that left me in tears because he said whether this is an inner ear issue or a migraine issue, it could take years to recover. Years? What the hell! I can barely walk without holding on to my husband or a wall, I can’t be in a bright room and too much noise or movement is over stimulation for me. Years?

That night I found two blogs that gave me relief- The Dizzy Cook and Jennifer of Migraine Strong. I read their stories and instantly felt closer to answers. They spoke about their experiences with vestibular migraines, dizziness and other symptoms, their road to recovery and their treatment plans. Every night I went back to their words. I studied their plans and their courses of action. I took notes of what they did and how it helped them. I looked up the books they recommended and the supplements they took and then… I found that Jen went to Dr. Danner in Tampa that specializes in migraines and neurology! He’s here in Tampa?! I HAVE TO SEE HIM!!

My first appointment with Dr. Danner was on November 4th. He listened to my concerns and helped me understand that what I was experiencing could have been an inner ear issue or be a migraine issue however regardless of which one it was, it would be treated in the same way. He encouraged me to follow a migraine elimination diet to help me find what my triggers are, start taking at least 500 mgs of a magnesium supplement everyday, keep taking my prevention medication, and follow up with him in a month.

I followed the elimination diet to a “T”. I fell in love with a book called “Heal Your Headache,” and I went down rabbit hole after rabbit hole of vestibular migraine research.

A few weeks went by my dizziness subsided but I started to notice that the migraine prevention medication that I was on was giving me adverse effects. I had crazy brain fog, to the point where I found it hard to hold conversations or keep a thought for longer than a few seconds. It made me crazy exhausted, depressed, and I lost about 20 lbs. It made my body feel cold (literally) and I felt frail and weak. The day before Thanksgiving I called Dr. Danner and asked if I should keep taking this medication or stop based on these symptoms and a numbness I started to feel in my right leg. After careful consideration, he recommended that I stop but continue the other migraine treatment plan and follow up with him at my next appointment (which was about a week and a half later).

When I had my follow up appointment, he asked me how I felt. By that time, the numbness in my right limbs had started to feel like a heaviness and my leg would sporadically “lock up”. My leg and arm would move (or not move) on their own and it started to worry me. Dr. Danner had his office staff call in an appointment for me with Dr. Sunil Reddy, an awesome Neurologist in Tampa that could take a deeper look to see if there were possibly any other neurological issues going on.

I have been going to my Neurologist and weekly physical therapy appointments since.

Today I experience less migraines and the spasms in my arms and legs are few and far between. These spasms are believed to be linked to Transverse Myelisits which is inflammation of the spinal cord. This was determined from a neck MRI that I had that showed some scarring on my spine. Sometimes Transverse Myelitis can progress to MS however sometimes it is a one time event that can heal on it’s own. After several brain MRI’s, my Neurologist does not see any lesions or scarring on my brain and does not see an area of concern there. My next order is to get an MRI of my spine and we will monitor and make an action plan based on the findings there.

I still have no idea what triggered all of this to occur and if they are linked in any way. Did my migraines progress into something more which caused these other symptoms and issues? Was something lying dormant and now decided to progress as I got older? How does your spinal cord even get inflammed? Is it something I did??

I’m still learning and I think that my greatest lesson is that I won’t always have the answers. But I know I’m not giving up, and all of this taught me that I’m more of a warrior than I realize!

I am writing this because I hope to help someone that may be going through something similar, just as Jen and “The Dizzy Cook” helped me. When all of this started to happen, all I could do was think of how much I wanted to write about my experiences for this reason. I wish that I could have given you a full synopsis of what I was experiencing in live time, but things progressed so quickly that I seldom had time to process them fully, or the energy or brain power to do so.

I’m sure I left out a lot of details. Like me crying every night wondering why this was happening. My husband having to physically hold me up to walk and take a shower because I was too dizzy to stand. The lack of confidence I had making eye contact with people, in fear that they would see my eyes darting from side to side or trying to focus. Wondering if people were whispering or thinking I was drunk when I stumbled to walk at my daughter’s Gymnastics class or my son’s Taekwondo class. Seeing more Doctor’s, nurses, emergency rooms and Specialists in the last 4 months that I have in the past 5 years. The time, money and MEDICAL BILLS I have racked up since this all started.

This journey has been humbling and frustrating, but I’m happy that I am stronger now than when I started.

I hope that this has helped you in some way and I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you here. If you haven’t already, please check out my blog post on my recommendations for dealing with migraines and follow me on IG for more health and wellness tips.

Stay encouraged and stay positive friends.

With love,

Jennifer.

[anzu2snow]

It’s been a long time since I simply wrote something on here, instead of shared a link to my blog. Since it’s a little difficult right now to blog through blogger for me, I might just write stuff here.

I don’t think I wrote about my cancer directly on here before. I was diagnosed with metastatic or stage 4 breast cancer back in April. I had no other cancer diagnosis beforehand. People tell me I’m too young for it. I’m 36. (Was 35 when diagnosed, but had my birthday in November.) Younger than even when the mammograms are supposed to start up. I’ll always have this. There’s no beating stage 4 breast cancer. It’s spread to my bones (all over my skeleton) and skin.

Found out about the bone mets (lesions) first before they found the cancer. I had fallen in the shower back in March and broke my right shoulder. A month later, as I was recovering, ankle/leg swelling wouldn’t go down so I went to Urgent Care to get checked out. They found the bone mets in the imaging. They weren’t exactly sure that’s what they were at the time, and ordered a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsies of both breasts. They found out that it’s in both breasts, too. My type is hormone positive (all of them), and her2-.

I was put into my insurance’s palliative care program in April. It’s helped me a lot. I have a cane, hospital bed, walker, a home aide that comes by to give me a shower twice a week (the broken shoulder still isn’t flexible enough to shower with), a nurse that calls once a week and sometimes meets face-to-face at home, a social worker who calls once a week, a doctor that deals with meds for the symptoms part of it, and more. I was supposed to start physical therapy through them, but haven’t yet. There’s a lot more to the program than I thought at first.

I had a radical hysterectomy back in July. That took care of the hormone powerhouses which were feeding the cancer. Had more problems with swelling afterwards. It’s been bad off and on since then. Pretty good right now, at least.

I’m on Ibrance for chemo. Luckily, it’s just an oral pill and not through an IV. Also, taking anastrazole for the hormone part. Started taking zometa recently. That is actually through an IV once every 3 months. It’s a bone-strengthening med for people like me where it’s in the bones. I was told it could give me flu-like symptoms after that 1st dose. Sure enough, it did. Had a fever, came close to throwing up, etc. the next day for 2 days after. They said that only happens the 1st time. I hope so. I’m not taking it anymore if I end up that sick every time. So, we’ll see. I take a lot of meds now for things like pain, nausea, cramps, swelling, and more. I have what looks like a little pharmacy in the dining room with all that stuff. I hate taking it all, but if I don’t, I can’t function at all.

I’ve been having a weird symptom lately. I feel like I’m going to faint/slip away sometimes. I told my new oncologist about this and she immediately said it sounded like brain mets. She quickly ordered a brain MRI to see. I just had that done yesterday. The last one I had was back in April, and my brain looked fine. I didn’t remember that there was a contrast for this one. It was louder than I remembered, too. Despite having ear plugs and mufflers on either side of my head. Ended up with a mild headache because of the constant loud thuds. They kept asking if I was ok. I love tight enclosed spaces, so I was fine. I had to have help with the gown and robe, which was kind of embarrassing. They said I should get the results by Monday. Much sooner than I expected.

On Monday, I’m getting both a full bone scan and CT scan. My last bone scan in September indicated progression. I hope it doesn’t this time. I hope it hasn’t travelled to other organs with the CT scan. However, knowing how aggressive this cancer has been, it wouldn’t surprise me if it has spread to another organ somewhere. It’s going to be a long day.

[myhockeyworld87]

Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 10

Word Count: 3468

POV: Tyler

Warning: Cursing, but then you probably know that by now.

Notes: Alright, I hope this doesn’t disappoint anyone. I know I left you with a cliffhanger in Part 9. I honestly went a couple different ways with this one, and finally decided to go with this. Let me know what you guys think. Peace, Love and Hugs to all!!!!

Morning dawned and with it, it brought a renewed sense of hope. The seller of your dream home had accepted your offer finally; excitedly you shared the news with (Y/N). It was if all the pieces were finally falling together in your life; new home, new baby and the love of your life by your side. You were sitting on top of the world and nothing could bring you down; especially when you learned that (Y/N)’s parents had done a complete turnaround. Knowing how important family was to her; you knew that she would want and need their support in the months to come. There were still fences that needed to be mended there on your end; but with time you hoped that you could restore the bond that was once there.

 Blissfully you started your usual away game day routine; a quick workout, breakfast with the team and then morning skate all went better now that you had the woman of your dreams back in your life. Breezing by like a strong wind off the ocean; you lost track of where the day went. That was until you realized it was time to get ready and head down to travel to the arena. Checking your phone, you made sure it was charged; thinking that possibly something was wrong with it now that you noticed the time. It wasn’t like (Y/N) to forget to call you, quite the opposite in fact; recently you’d fallen back into the old habit of talking a few times a day. Though you knew she would be busy with her family today.

“What’s up Segs?” The concerned look on your face must have had Jamie questioning things.

 “Probably nothing, I just haven’t heard from (Y/N) today.” Shrugging, you tried to make light of it.

 “I wouldn’t sweat it man, she’s probably just busy or something. Didn’t you say her family was getting together today?” Taking his voice down to a whisper, he added, “They’re probably still talking about the baby and everything. It’s pretty big news all things considered.”

 Jamie was right, you were sure that the baby was a main topic of conversation. “I’m sure you’re right. She probably just lost track of time. I’ll give her a call on the way there.” Grabbing your usual seat, you took out your phone and called (Y/N); five rings later you were listening to her voicemail. “Hey babe, it’s just me. I’m sure you’re busy or something. We’re just heading to the arena now. Give me a call when you can. Love you.”

 Turning to Jamie you two discussed strategy for your game against the Blackhawks; before you knew it, the bus pulled into the arena. Hitting the last step your phone rang, an unknown number popping up on the screen; hesitantly you answered it. “Hello”

 “Hey Ty.”

 “Hey babe, did you lose your phone or something? I almost didn’t answer this.”

 “Oh right, um…Is Jamie there? I need to ask him something really quick.”

 Something was off, you could tell right away. “Yeah he’s here, but…”

 You tried to say more, but she stopped you short. “It will be real quick, I promise.”

 Brow furrowed, you handed the phone to Jamie as you continued inside. “She wants to talk to you.”

 Giving you a look of confusion, Jamie took the phone. “Hey (Y/N), what’s up?” There was a lengthy pause. “yeah…..ok…..are you sure?....I understand, but….I will…I promise.” He handed you back the phone then; the look on his face didn’t reassure you by any means.

 “Babe what’s going on? Why did you need to talk to Jamie?”

 You could hear her falter. “Ok… so I need you to know that both the baby and I are ok, alright?” Blood drained out of your body, why was she starting off like that; you stood immobile, not being able to move even one muscle. Silence made her continue, “There was an accident. I’m in the hospital, they want me to stay overnight, but the doctor assured me that the baby is fine. He’s just being cautious.”

 A cold sweat broke out across your brow; leaning against the wall, you tried to absorb the words she just spoken. “What…what happened?” Jamie squeezed your shoulder in support.

 “Sean and I ran to the store to get something. We were at a traffic light and I don’t know this car just came out of nowhere through the red light. We didn’t have time to react; I tried to protect the baby as much as I could. I don’t exactly know what happened; I hit my head and the next thing I knew I was being woken up by the paramedics.”

 Bile rose in the back of your throat, and you felt as if you couldn’t breathe; trying to speak but no words would come out. Slowly you sank to the floor, head between your knees; inhaling deeply, you tried again. Yet still nothing came out. “Tyler, we’re ok. They have me hooked up to a fetal monitor and they’ve done a sonogram. The baby is fine. Ty, do you hear me? We’re both ok.”

 Blinking hard you tried to calm your racing heart; as the ringing in your ears softened a few decibels, you became aware of your surroundings. Jamie was standing off to the side, whispering to Monty. Turning you spoke to them, instead of the phone; “I’m not playing. I need a car, now.”

 “Tyler….Tyler….Tyler Paul Seguin.” (Y/N)’s voice permeated through the fog in your brain. You must have made some noise for she continued, knowing she had your attention. “You are not leaving that arena; do you hear me? Your ass better be out on that ice come game time.”

 “Jesus (Y/N), how am I suppose to play, when you’re lying in a hospital? It’s not fucking happening; I can’t do it. I need to be with you and the baby.” How were you suppose to go out on the dam ice and not think about her or the baby; it was incomprehensible.

 “Tyler, my parents are on their way; Sean is here with me. There’s absolutely nothing you can do here. Besides by the time you could get a flight here, they could discharge me. The only reason I’m telling you now, is because I don’t want any secrets between us, ever. Don’t make me regret that decision.”

 “Babe, would you listen to me for a second. I won’t be able to play not knowing what’s going on with you. I’ll be useless out there. Trust me they don’t want me to play.” This said loud enough so that both Monty and Jamie could hear.

 “I’ll text you updates and you can check your phone at the end of each period. Or better yet, give your phone to one of the trainers and they can relay the messages to you.”

 (Y/N) had an answer at every turn for you; but your stubborn nature would win out this time. “And what if something does happen. I should be there. I’m going to be there. If I could just find someone to get me a damn car to get to the airport. Fuck it, I’ll take a cab.” Hauling yourself off the floor, you started to move; only to be blocked by Jamie. “Move.” This said to your best friend and captain.

 “Tyler, babe can you please just listen to me.”  Continuing to stare daggers at Jamie, mentally willing him to get the hell out of your way; or else you’d pulverize him. “I knew you would want to go. Which is why I asked Jamie to make you stay. He’s only doing what I asked him to; don’t be mad at him.” The pleading tone in her voice, had you softening, but only slightly. “I don’t know how many times I can say this; the baby and I are fine. The doctor mainly has me staying because of the concussion. He’s just monitoring the baby, since I’ll be here. Wait, hold on; he’s coming in right now.” She paused, speaking to the doctor, before coming back to you; “Ty, this is Dr. Frost; he wants to speak with you.”

 “Mr. Seguin, I just want to reassure you that both Ms. (Y/LN) and the baby are doing fine. Had she not, sustained her head injuries, I would be sending her home shortly, but I’d like to observe her overnight for precautionary measures only. There were no abdominal or pelvic injuries sustained; so I don’t anticipate anything out of the ordinary here and she’ll probably be discharged in the morning. Do you have any questions for me?”

 “How severe are her head injuries?” you were acutely aware of what a concussion could do to someone, given your profession.

 “Ms. (Y/LN) sustained a level three concussion. According to the paramedics she was unconscious for several minutes. We’ve done an MRI; which did not show any bleeding on the brain. Given the severity; I would like her to take it easy for the next week or more, so no driving, lifting or work.  I’m recommending she follow up with her OB/GYN this week.” Level three, that was no concussion protocol, kick you out of the game in a second level; her head had to be throbbing. “Mr. Seguin, there’s nothing you can do here tonight. It would be my recommendation to let Ms. (Y/LN) get some rest and you come see her in the morning.”

 “I understand, thank you for your time doctor.”

 There was a brief pause before you hear (Y/N)’s voice again; “Ty can I call you back after the doctor examines me?”

 “Yeah of course.”

 “Promise me you’ll stay right where you are.”

 “I promise.” After speaking to the doctor, you didn’t want to cause her anymore stress; as her brain was probably having a hard time processing everything.

 “I love you.”

 “I love you too.” Sliding the phone into you suit pocket; you closed your eyes trying to process the last several minutes.

 “You ok man?” Opening your eyes, you saw Jamie hadn’t moved from your side; Monty a short distance behind him on the phone.

 “I don’t know what to do? She wants me to stay here, but, how can I? God, I could’ve lost them both.” You choked back the tears threatening to spill over.

 “But you didn’t Seggy. They are both ok. She told you that, hell she told me that. What do you think will help her right at this moment?”

 “I don’t know Chubbs, she keeps telling me to play.”

 “Then play, and then we’ll get you on the first plane to her. I swear it.”

 Monty came forward then, overhearing the conversation between his players. “Tyler, I have someone working on getting you a plane; just say the word on when you want it to leave. Look I understand if you have to go now; the team will be fine.”

 “Can you have it ready for the moment after the game is over? Like no interviews, none of the bullshit?”

 “There will be a car waiting for you the minute you’re done; and I promise no bullshit. Take it all out on the ice; all those emotions you feel right now just put it out there. Then go be with your girl.”

 “Thanks Monty.”

 Jamie grabbed you by the shoulders, “We’re all here for you man. We got your back.”

 “I’ll need someone to go get my stuff from the hotel.”

 “It’ll be in the car, ready for you.” It was as though Monty anticipated what you would say.

 “Alright, let’s go get ready. The sooner we get started the sooner I can see (Y/N). Oh, Monty, can I give someone my phone in case she needs me.”

 “Whatever you need Segs.”

 With that you headed to the locker room, tension hung in the air; the rest of the team knowing something was wrong but not exactly what it was. These things happened from time to time, a wife would go into labor, a parent or grandparent would pass away; the team would rally all around each other showing their support. Jamie took control just as a good captain would, “All right guys, Segs is going through a tough time tonight. We need to get out there and help him kick some ass.”  A few guys came up and patted you on the back, no one really questioning what you were going through. You were just starting to gear up when the phone rang. This time it was (Y/N)’s face popping up on the screen; walking out of the locker room you found a secluded spot.

 “Hey baby girl, how you doing?” speaking to her more in hushed tones now that you knew how serious her concussion was.

 “The same. Nothing’s changed, which is good news. You’re still at the arena?” “Yes, I’m still here. I’m going to play the game and then head straight to you. No arguments on that part.”

 “Ok, I won’t argue.”

 “How’s Sean?”

 “He’s ok, a few cuts and bruises; but overall he’s good. They discharged him, but he won’t leave. He feels horrible about the accident, even though it wasn’t his fault.” While you were certain it wasn’t his fault you understood where his guilt was coming from; you were experiencing it yourself not being able to be with her. “Oh and my car is done for. I’ll need to get in touch with the guy’s insurance company tomorrow.”

 “Babe, I’ll handle that when I get there. You don’t need to do anything, but rest. And don’t watch the game, it will just make your head hurt worse.”

 A small chuckle, had her wincing in pain. “Well then I’ll give that job to Sean, so he can feel useful.”

 “Make sure the lights are off too. It will help with the pain. What did they give you?”

 “I refused anything they offered but Tylenol. I don’t want to harm the baby.”

 God her brain must feel like it’s going to split in two; you’d dealt with a concussion or two, and knew how painful they could be. Those times you were always prescribed something to help alleviate the symptoms; you knew a measly couple of Tylenol wouldn’t begin to touch anything she was feeling. “Are you sure you don’t want something else? I’m sure they wouldn’t give you anything that would harm the baby.”

 “It’s ok Ty. I’ll be fine. I can handle it.”

 “Alright babe, if you say so. I’m gonna let you rest ok. Promise me you’ll text or call me if anything changes at all.”

 “I will. I’ll keep you updated, but everything is going to be fine. You just concentrate on the game.”

 Shaking your head, knowing that it would be impossible to focus solely on hockey; you answered, “I’ll do my best. Don’t worry about me, you just focus on getting better. I’ll see you soon. I love you (Y/N).”

 “I love you too, Tyler,” with that she hung up the phone. Head down, you mentally tried to prepare yourself to play sixty minutes of hockey; yet thoughts of (Y/N) lying in a hospital bed crept into your mind. Still not being able to convince yourself you could play this game; you walked back into the locker room. A few of the guys were still prepping, some had wandered out into the halls to stretch or hit the soccer ball around.

 Bishop wandered over by you, setting heavily on the bench beside you. “Hey man, don’t get mad, but Jamie filled me in on what’s going on. He only thought I could help out; I won’t say a word to anyone.” Glancing over you looked at the goalie; seeking words of advice. “I know it’s hard. There were times I felt so helpless when Andrea was pregnant; obviously nothing like you’re going through at the moment, but there were times, when she’d be cramping or had braxton hicks. Every time she’d tell me she was fine and that it was ok to go; which was tough to do; but she was always honest with me. I’m sure (Y/N) is doing the same with you now. If she says she’s fine, Seggy, trust her, she is. Women are much stronger than we give them credit for. If you needed to be there, she’d tell you; trust me. Just go out there, and put all that frustration and guilt into the game.”

 “Thanks, Bish,” knowing that he was probably right, if (Y/N) thought something was wrong, she would’ve told you.  It would still be hard, but it was really only three hours and then you’d be on your way to her.

 “Congratulations, man; being is a dad is the best job there is.”

 Looking over you smiled at your teammate; it was the first time you’d done that since finding out about the accident. “Thanks, I can’t wait to find out. “ With that you both finished prepping for the game; it was literally the longest three hours of your life. While the team still fell to the Blackhawks, you were able to add an assist to Rads goal in the first period. True to her word (Y/N) did send you updates, that nothing had changed with hers or the baby’s condition; they were still doing well.

 Heading straight to the locker room after the game; you stripped your gear off and showered as quickly as possible. Monty had a car with your luggage waiting, just as he promised. As you made your way to the airport, you contacted a service to have a car waiting for you so you could go to the hospital. Trying to sleep on the two hour flight, proved futile; nervous energy ran through your veins. As the plane touched down you grabbed your bag and headed to the car; not waiting for assistance. Striding into the hospital, bags in hand; you scanned the area searching for the inpatient rooms.

 Confusion must have been written on your face, for the receptionist asked if she could assist you. Pointing you in the correct direction, you strode to the bank of elevators; which seemed to take an eternity. Finally reaching the correct floor, you made your way to the room (Y/N) had text she was in; receiving numerous stares from the on-duty nurses. The door was closed and the lights were off; but then most of them were, as it was two in the morning. Slowly you crept inside, careful to not wake up (Y/N). The dim light from the hallway, as well as the monitors she was hooked up to provided enough light for you to see her sleeping form. Discarding your bags in the corner, you spied a chair pulled up beside the bed and made your way to it; gently lifting her hand so you could hold it.

 Softly you caressed your thumb across her knuckles, careful not to wake her; yet needing to feel her warm skin on yours. You sat there staring at her for several minutes; before her eyes fluttered open. Groggy from sleep, her voice whispered, “Tyler, is that you?”

 “Yeah babe, I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

 “Mmmm….. I’m ok. What time is it?”

 “Just a bit after two in the morning. How are you feeling?”

 “Good. They come in every so often and check my vitals as well as check the baby, but they took the fetal monitor off a little bit ago. The doctor said everything was fine with the baby.” Breathing a sigh of relief that at least one of them was doing better at this point; you moved your hand and ran it soothingly over her head. You could feel the large lump from where it had struck the vehicle.

 “That’s good news. How’s the head?”

 Smiling bravely, she answered. “It’s not too bad. Definitely feels better than it did before.”

 “Good babe, now go back to sleep. We can talk later.” You continued to stroke her hair, hoping to lull her back to slumber.

 “Tyler…can you lay with me and just hold me?”

 Tears formed in your eyes and your heart skipped a beat at the request; it was the only thing that you’d wanted to do from the moment you’d found out about the incident. Sliding off your suit coat and removing your shoes; you crawled in the small hospital bed and embraced the woman you loved. “Better?”

 “Mmmm…much.”

 Pressing a gentle kiss on her lips, you told her. “Now get some rest.”

 Eyes closing, a small smile played across the lips you’d just kissed. “I love you.”

  “I love you too baby.” Inhaling her scent, you shut your own eyes and finally let yourself relax. Everything would be fine now that you were here and (Y/N) was in your arms.

[zigtheeortega]

day 6: pets | ethan/bryce x mc

pairing: ethan x mc & bryce x mc

@choicesfebruarychallenge​ | @bi-cookie​ ; @cxld-play​

word count: 1,712

author’s note: this fluffy fic was inspired by the john mulaney bit where he jokes about american politics and compares it to a “horse being loose in the hospital”. i took it literally! hope you enjoy - i still think it might be a dumb idea but i’m hope it makes you laugh!

Spencer’s phone buzzed in her scrubs pocket, taking her out of the intense reading she was doing on Ms. Martinez’s file.

EMERGENCY. MEET AT THE SIDE ENTRANCE OF THE BUILDING. BE SNEAKY. Sienna’s text in the group chat came as a shock to Spencer. She’d never seen a message quite that serious from Sienna before.

She power walked down the hallway, trying to make it to the elevator unnoticed. Just as the doors opened, Dr. Ramsey rounded the corner.

She stepped in calmly, then mashed buttons as soon as she was safe. “C’mon, c’mon close,” she muttered to herself, clicking the close door button repeatedly.

“Hold the door, rookie,” he called, and they locked eyes through the slit of the closing doors.

“Sorry,” she mouthed, tapping her watch and shrugging.

His eyes narrowed, but before he could say anything, the elevator’s numbers lowered, quickly bringing Spencer to the first floor.

She blew air out of her cheeks. Avoiding Dr. Ramsey since the night they’d nearly had sex at the convention had been hard, but worth it for Spencer’s sanity. She couldn’t take much more of the “will they, won’t they” sexual tension between them.

The doors opened, and she snuck out the side door, almost running into the back of Elijah’s wheelchair.

The whole group was assembled, talking in hushed voices.

“What’s wrong? I came as fast as I could,” Spencer panted, eyes darting between her friends’ concerned faces.

“We have a huge problem,” Sienna frowned.

“Okay, bring me up to speed. What can I do to help?” She said, already putting her game face on, ready to rack her brain to help Sienna diagnose a patient.

“There’s a dog loose in the hospital,” Sienna grimaced.

She squinted her eyes, confused. “Is this a prank? I really don’t know if I’m in the mood to joke around, guys.”

“Unfortunately, Sienna isn’t lying. I saw the dog when his owner brought him in,” Jackie said, her arms crossed firmly across her chest.

“You’re telling me a service dog is roaming around, not listening to his owner? Did they lie about him being a service dog?” Spencer wondered aloud, trying to piece the story together.

“No, he’s definitely certified,” Elijah said, shrugging. “I asked to pet him and his owner’s mom declined. She said he was working.”

“I guess she knew taking his vest off wasn’t a great idea,” Landry added, eyeing Sienna.

The door behind them opened, revealing Bryce. “Thanks for including me. This is the most action I’ve gotten all week. Appendectomies just weren’t cutting it today,” he grinned.

“Okay one, weak, and two, thanks for finally joining us,” Jackie rolled her eyes.

“I can’t help that I’m not in your roomie group message,” Bryce shrugged.

“Can we get back to the story, please?” Sienna asked quietly, worry written across her features.

“Okay, so you took the vest off the dog, he thought he clocked out, and he’s just doing what a normal dog would do?” Spencer said, rotating her wrist so that Sienna knew to speed it up.

“I’m not that careless, Spencer. His owner is here for a routine checkup for her epilepsy. He was looking kind of sad while I was going through her chart with her mom, so when they went back for an MRI I thought it’d be a good idea to let him be free for a few minutes,” she said, regret written on her features.

Spencer’s look of disapproval prompted her to continue. “I know it was so dumb of me. I didn’t see him as a service dog on duty, just a sad pet that wanted to take a break and play. I need everyone’s help to find him.”

“Where’d you lose him?” Bryce asked.

“Well, I was near the construction… you don’t suppose he managed to go back there or down the stairs?”

“Let’s hope not,” Landry said nervously, wringing his hands in front of him.

“Okay, we’ll split up in pairs to look for him. It’ll definitely be quicker that way,” Spencer said.

“Elijah and I will check the ER,” Landry volunteered, already heading towards the door, Elijah tailing him.

“Jackie? Sienna? You okay with taking the next couple of floors while Bryce and I look through the labs, the construction, and any other restricted areas?” Spencer asked.

“You got it, boss,” Jackie smirked, walking inside.

“I guess it’s just you and me,” Bryce smiled, his hand on the small of her back, coaxing her towards the door.

----

“Goddammit, where is that dog?” Spencer muttered, frustration creeping into her voice.

“Hey, if you look on the bright side, we’re kind of like Mystery Inc. and we’re looking for Scooby Doo,” Bryce said, as you both jogged down the hallway, peering into the labs.

“What, did you say that because you want me to say you’re Fred?” She laughed, glancing back at Bryce’s smirk.

“And you’re my Daphne,” he said before checking the largest lab on that floor.

“I’m definitely not Daphne. Sienna is more of a Daphne-type than I am,” Spencer smiled, running into the elevator. “I’m definitely Velma.”

“I guess that makes me Shaggy, huh?” He said into your ear, and you became acutely aware of the heat from his body.

“So who’s Fred now?” She said, pushing a numbered button to head towards the wing under construction.

“Elijah, hands down,” Bryce chuckled, his arm propped up on the bar on the wall of the elevator, his skin grazing her scrubs.

“What about Landry and Jackie?” She said, glancing at his face, so close to her own.

“Probably the people they unmask at the end. They’re too competitive to have everyone’s best interests in mind,” he shrugged.

“Awe, that’s no fair. I wouldn’t guess a scalpel jockey would understand our competition,” she teased, turning to place a soft kiss on his jaw.

He leaned in with his eyes closed, but Spencer put a finger on his lips. “We’re getting distracted. We gotta find this dog first.”

“What’s its name anyways?” He said, stepping out into the hallway as the doors opened.

“Huh, good question. I’ll ask,” she said, typing a quick text to Sienna.

She replied immediately. I don’t know. I know she said it, but I was so focused on the patient’s charts and the mom being so stern I forgot.

“Sienna doesn’t know the dog’s name,” she said to Bryce, and he shrugged.

They slipped into the construction side unnoticed, eyes scanning the hallway. Spencer already had a distraction ready in case he wanted to check the rooms and stumbled across Naveen.

“Here, boy,” Bryce called repeatedly, making kissing noises.

“I don’t know if that’s going to work. He should only respond to his name, right?” Spencer mused.

The golden retriever bounded around the corner before they scan the rooms, mouth open, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

Bryce eyed her up and down. “I told you so.”

He ran to meet the dog, and fell on the ground, cuddling the wiggling ball of fur as he happily lapped the side of Bryce’s face. “Hey, boy, awe, you’re so good,” he laughed, scritching behind his ears.

Spencer enjoyed the sight of the hot surgeon and cute dog playing for a few more seconds before texting the group.

“Okay, so Sienna’s going to meet us with his vest, and we’re sneaking him back into the waiting room on this floor. The mom should be showing up there soon since they’re almost done with her brain scans.” She shoved the phone back in her pocket.

Bryce laid on the ground, spooning him and completely ignoring her. He hugged the dog to his chest, kissing his head.

“This is really cute, Bryce, don’t get me wrong, but we have to bring him back right now,” she said, extending a hand to him.

He grabbed it, and pulled her down on top of him. “Bryce! We have to go –”

He pressed his lips to hers, cutting her off. She sighed contentedly against his lips.

She knew she was falling for Dr. Ramsey, but she couldn’t see him defying the rules to be with her. Even if she was just fooling around with him and didn’t plan on anything serious coming from it – regardless, Bryce made her feel good.

Things were much more simple with him than with Ethan.

She pulled back, and he gazed at her, smirking. “You have to admit that was smooth.”

“Alright, if it’ll get you to get up any faster, then yes.”

They stood up, walking with the dog towards the entrance. Sienna burst through the clear tarp, followed by the rest of the gang.

“Hi doggy! We’re gonna get you back to your owner now. Please don’t tell them about this,” she whispered to him, clasping the buckle on his side, fastening the vest to him.

“Okay, now if that’s over, I’m gonna get back to my patients,” Jackie said, and stalked off without another word.

“Me too,” Landry said nervous, scuttling away.

“I’m happy Horse is back safe. Hopefully they haven’t noticed –” Elijah said, but Spencer and Bryce were quick to cut him off.

“His name is Horse?” Bryce asked.

“You’re telling me there was a Horse loose in the hospital?” Spencer asked.

“That’s what his name was! I remembered it being weird, but I forgot it was the name of another animal,” Sienna said, smacking the side of her head with the palm of her hand.

“Is there a story behind it or something?” Spencer was dumbfounded, and Bryce couldn’t stop laughing at the situation. HIs laughter was infectious, and before she knew it, she was doubled over, and Elijah and Sienna followed soon after.

When they caught their breath, Elijah explained.

“She named him when she was young, before the seizures started. Her parents sent him off to be trained as a support animal so they wouldn’t have to get another dog.”

“On that note, I’m gonna head back to my patients.” Spencer headed off, waving at her friends.

She knew that she couldn’t avoid Dr. Ramsey for much longer, and the situation stressed her out to no end; Regardless of it all, she still had the ability to laugh, so she knew she was going to be okay.

----

[tcfkag]

Spoonie Life: My Last Week (fun with complications)

So, I’m having a really rough week. It feels like literally the second I get a break from one thing or a handle on another, then another thing pops up. I never get a break and it is exhausting. And sometimes it just makes you feel so alone because even those that support you - and I have a hugely supportive community of people in my life - just can’t understand. I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and anxious and alone and my therapist does not have any availability to see me...possibly for months. So I wanted to just write up everything I’m going through because sometimes that helps but also because hopefully some of you may have gone through some similar things (esp. blood clots and ovarian cysts) and could give advice and/or just support. 

Here’s a (not so) short summary of shit that’s been going on lately (in list form because why not). Don’t feel like you have to read it all. I know everyone has their own things going on. But I just needed somewhere to vent and while I shared some of this on FB, I also feel freer to be honest and just fully disclose how hard this is for me here. Sometimes that’s one good thing about this hell site - less reason to self-censor and try to sound positive/hopeful/happy when I really truly am not.

Last Monday (the 15th), I finally finished three months of IV antibiotics I was on for an intra-abdominal abscess (an infected collection of fluid that was right underneath my diaphragm which meant that, for a while, it hurt to even take a breath). 

Good news right? Stopped it about a week ago which is awesome because the antibiotics were infused two hours x three times a day (i.e. six f*cking hours a day that I was connected to an IV bag).

But, I knew I would need a follow-up CT scan that was scheduled for this past Wednesday....and who knew what that would show.

Towards the end of last week, I started feeling very tired all the time. And then my physical stamina just suddenly....decompensated abruptly. I would get tired doing anything. Monotasker and I went to the grocery store and halfway through, I had to sit down (or risk passing out). After a few minutes, I told him “we need to get out of here” so we rushed through the rest of the basics we needed. And then while he checked out, I sat on a bench near-by. My heart was racing, I was out of breath, I was dizzy and light-headed, and just generally felt like I had run a 5K. 

The first couple times this happened I thought “well, maybe I’m out of shape, I *haven’t* been working out at ALL lately. But then I remembered, it was what - a week ago that I attended NYCC where sure, I got tired sometimes and had to sit down once in a while, but it was nothing like this. And I knew that fitness doesn’t decompensate like that....it’s sad that when confronted with such a serious health issue that my first reaction was to just....blame myself. Right away.

So last Sunday (a little over a week ago), I went into the ER to get checked out. I hoped it was something SIMPLE, like dehydration or maybe my anemia had gotten worse or low levels of some kind of electrolyte imbalance. Anything that could be handled in a single evening. Three guesses about whether that was really the problem (though if you’ve followed me for more than a hot minute, I’m sure you know that the right answer is...because of course, NOTHING is ever simple).

At the ER, they decided to do the CT scan I was supposed to have that Wednesday just to make sure there wasn’t anything they were missing. And while the abscess they had been treating was largely unchanged (so they are going to stop the antibiotics), they also found that I had a blood clot in my pelvis. This is my third blood clot but the other two (a DVT in 2008 and a PE in 2015) were both post-surgical. This is my first blood clot that happened “spontaneously”. The admitted me to the hospital for about 48 hours and put me on a heparin drip until they could get a blood thinner arranged to release me and send me home. 

A few observations and factoids about blood clots and their treatment for those who are interested.

People with Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (i.e. IBD) are more prone to blood clots. If you have IBD (or any autoimmune disease actually), you should be aware of this risk and know the signs of blood clots (esp. after surgery) and make sure to take preventative measures like standing up to walk around on long flights.

 Traditionally, blood clots were treated with the blood thinner warfarin (Coumadin is its brand name). It takes a few days to get to the correct level in your blood, so you have to be on injections of another blood thinner Lovenox (twice a day, at home, injected yourself) until your “INR” reaches the right level in your blood. While on warfarin you have to have regular bloodwork to check your INR - every few days at first, then weekly, and if you’re on it long term the tests become less common.

This is very challenging for me - after ALL the health issues I’ve had, my veins are completely shot. Even basic blood work is a challenge.

There is a newer genre of blood thinners out there called DACOs - you’ve probably heard of them (they include Xarelto and Elliquis) which are better for a couple reasons, I guess, but the main one for me is the lack of required blood thinners. Three guesses on whether my health insurance approved them? NOPE. They sent me into pre-authorization hell (which frequently means “nope never going to happen” but in this case I hope means “well if your doctor pushes hard enough, we’ll give in eventually).

Question: has anyone gotten one of the DACOs approved? Is there anything specific that you had to prove? How did it end up working out?

If you are someone who menstruates, just be aware - going on a blood thinner can cause your period to start early (mine started less than two days after starting them - at least a week or two early) AND it will make your period longer and heavier. 

P.S. - the GYN I saw yesterday said that Xarelto would make that even worse which leads into a later part of this post, but basically she said it was really important that I get my IUD replaced if I was going to be on Xarelto long term.

Since this is my third blood clot, it may mean that I will have to be on blood thinners permanently, which I’m not looking forward to AT ALL. Because really, do I need another medical complication? The answer is no. No, I do not. WHICH MAKES THE NEXT PART OF THIS POST IRONIC.

So this is the part of the post that I could actually use some advice on. 

So for a while, maybe as long as a year, every CT or MRI I’ve had has included a note from the radiologist saying that a benign ovarian cyst was seen on the scan (or sometimes it was called an “inclusive cyst” from the ovary into the peritoneal area. It would sometimes “recommend follow up with a GYN”. Okay....fair enough.

When I asked my GI and my PCP about it a long while ago (maybe even two years ago), they both sort of just said “sure you should see an OB-GYN about that at some point” but really didn’t follow-up on it. And then time passed because I had a LOT of other health issues that took precedence.

Sometime nine-months to a year ago, I started having pain in the area where my rectum used to be, especially when I was sitting at my desk at work. There were days it was so bad that I could not sit directly on my butt at all and had to constantly find different positions. And on those days, I would frequently also have pretty severe pain in my pelvis. For months I basically ignored it...again, I have chronic pain and I had bigger fish to fry. Again, it got put on the back burner. Until one day it was so painful I was crying at work. So I called my PCP who also called my GI and he looked at my scan and said “it’s probably that cyst, you should see a GYN....” Still no urgency (and my PCP even said “I don’t know i it’s that - sometimes doctors like to blame cysts when they just don’t know what else is wrong.”) Again and again, this cyst was acknowledged but treated as no big deal - a nuisance to be dealt with eventually.

Side note: at no point in this did my PCP or my GI bother to ask me about pain with sex, despite that being a somewhat obvious question.

So nine months ago (or so), my PCP finally did get me a referral to see someone in the minimally invasive surgical OB-GYN office. I called to make that appointment and was told “you cannot see a surgeon until you’ve seen one of the GYNs” so I got an appointment for several months later with a GYN in the office. 

Then, I had to cancel two different appointments with her because I kept being sick and/or in the hospital...and of course, each new appointment was two-three months later. 

So my appointment with the GYN (who was lovely) was yesterday. She told me that my cyst (which is in both the ovary and the peritoneum) is now the size of a GRAPEFRUIT! It is almost certainly to blame for the pain I get sometimes in my (former) rectal area and the pain I have when I have sex. She said that even if it’s “benign”, if it’s symptomatic like this, I shouldn’t have to live that way. For the first time, I had a doctor who I felt like was taking this issue seriously even though it wasn’t related to my IBD and was “just” a lady issue. (Though to be fair to my PCP, she has taken it seriously in the past, but it’s just not her specialty).

This GYN also said she’d be willing to take me to the procedure room and sedate me to put an IUD in, whether I have surgery or not because I had such a bad experience getting it last time!!! I really loved that she took my concerns about that seriously. Bless her.

So the (very extended) upshot is that I made an appointment with the minimally invasive surgeon who I was supposed to see SIX-NINE months ago (who, amazingly enough, had an appointment available MONDAY) and I may need to have another surgery to take care of this cyst. This cyst that wasn’t always the size of a grapefruit....but years of being told that it was benign, to “check it out” eventually, and having all of my other health needs take precedence has now left me here. With a huge cyst that has ruined my sex life and is starting to seriously impact my everyday life too.

TL;DR? I have TERRIBLE LUCK. ESPECIALLY this week. And I’m just feeling absolutely overwhelmed, lonely, and frustrated. And if you’ve had experience having surgery for an ovarian cyst, especially one that’s “including” on something outside the ovary, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the procedure and whether it helped and was worth it.

[artificialqueens]

Gloxalias and other ways to say I love you (branjie) - writworm42

A/N: Brooke works in a hospital gift shop. Vanessa is the mom of a young cancer patient who really loves flowers. It’s no match made in Heaven, but they might just be able to create their own.

This fic has the potential to be hugely, massively triggering. There’s grief, mentions of death, descriptions of anxiety, and explicit content to do with childhood cancer, surgery, and there’s a lot of medical content. PLEASE take care of yourselves.

Thank you Holtz for beta-ing this and for being a wonderful human. Also thank you to all the folks on AO3 who shared their stories with me. The responses from everyone who’ve been touched by cancer in some way have been truly humbling, and I hope readers here on AQ will find it resonates with them too.

The first time Brooke sees Vanessa, she’s combing through the hospital gift shop looking for flowers.

“Are you sure your unit allows flowers?” Brooke asks when the woman reaches the counter with an armful of daisies.

“Oh, um… No.” she looks taken aback by the question, like it was one she’s never considered. “You even allowed to ask me that? Consternationality an’ all that?”

Brooke is unable to keep herself from cracking a little smile. “Nah, confidentiality only applies to doctors. I’m just a lowly cashier,” she sighs with a fake forelorness that makes the other woman laugh, a loud, scratchy bark that makes everyone within fifty feet of the gift shop turn around in alarm.

Brooke thinks it’s infectious.

“Seriously though, mama, I ain’t actually sure.” the woman shrugs after they both finally calm down. “You know if the pod—peda—pom—the kids’ ward lets people have flowers? My kid loves ‘em.”

Brooke doesn’t, and she tells the woman so. For a moment, from the way the bright, lively twinkle in the woman’s eyes dies down a little, Brooke is afraid the woman might start to cry, or even yell. She’s seen it before; distraught family members upset at the exorbitant pricing of stuffed animals or the fact that their loved one’s favourite snack isn’t available taking it out on her, screaming until their voices are hoarse and their rage is subdued by a peace offering of a free purchase of any one item they want. Brooke isn’t supposed to do it, but it saves her jugular, and she can get the desperation and pent-up grief they’re feeling.

She’s about to offer the same consolation prize to this woman when the woman collects herself unexpectedly, letting out a sigh as her face smooths over into something that’s almost a smile.

“Alright, Mary. I’ll check with the nurse and come back if I can.”

“Brooke.” Brooke says, almost inaudibly, as the woman turns to leave.

“Huh?” the woman turns around, a confused frown knitting itself onto her face.

“Brooke. Not Mary. My name’s Brooke.” She blushes the minute the words are out of her mouth, realizing how nitpicky and stupid she must sound. But if the woman thinks so, she doesn’t show it; in fact, she smiles brightly, the sparkle returning to her eyes as she laughs again, making Brooke relax and laugh a little, too.

“Alright then, miss Brooke-not-Mary. See you soon as the nurses tell me I can come back down and pick up these flowers.”

“Alright then,” Brooke nods, an inexplicable thread of hope weaving through her chest, “See you around…”

“Vanessa. But my friends call me Vanjie.”

—

Vanessa comes back down a few days later, a triumphant smile spread across her face as she marches straight up to the counter.

“Guess who can buy flowers, bitch!”

Brooke looks up from the stolen magazine she’s not supposed to be reading and grins.

“I was hoping you’d come back.”

Vanessa arches a brow. “You flirtin’ with me, Mary?”

Brooke almost chokes on her tongue.

“I’m—no, I’m so sorry, I’m not—“

“Relax,” Vanessa chuckles, raising her hands in mock surrender. “I’m just jokin’, I ain’t mean nothin’.”

Brooke can’t figure out why she feels a little disappointed at the words, nor why Vanessa’s voice seems to hold the same feeling.

Or maybe she’s just imagining it.

Nonetheless, Vanessa circles the flower section for about five minutes before returning to Brooke with the same armful of daisies she had picked out yesterday. Only this time, there are twice the amount, such that the brunette’s face is almost completely hidden behind their petals.

“You good?” Brooke laughs as Vanessa drops the flowers onto the counter with a huff.

“Just ring ‘em up, mama.” Vanessa rolls her eyes, but she can’t hide the little smile she’s clearly trying not to crack.

Brooke starts to do just that, and soon the only sound that fills the room is the rhythmic beeping of her scanner.

—

“So… your kid really likes daisies, huh?” Brooke ventures the next day, when Vanessa was back with the same armful of flowers. The younger woman just blinks.

“I mean, they like most kinds of ‘em, I just don’t wanna fuck up, y’know? I been reading up on all that petal-talk shit, I ain’t want to get them somethin’ that means divorce when I’m tryna make them feel better. I know daisy means happy shit, so that’s what imma stick to.”

Brooke’s heart softens. She’s been working at the gift shop for about five years now, and she’s seen countless parents blow through looking for something to either get their kids or pass the time while trying not to worry about them. She’s never met a mother so hung up on details that she’d worry right down to the hidden meanings of the flowers she’s buying. It’s downright adorable, and even though she probably shouldn’t, she can’t help but get involved.

“Y’know, I used to be into flower language myself.” She shifts on her feet, suddenly acutely aware of how her suggestion could be taken. And, just as she feared, Vanessa laughs.

“There you go, flirtin’ with me again.” Vanessa winks, still giggling as she watches Brooke’s face go crimson. “Tell you what, I gotta go ‘cause my kid’s got an MRI, but imma be back tomorrow, an’ you can teach me all about that daisy tulip pussyfoot mumble-jumble. Sound good?”

“Sounds good.” Brooke smiles.

For some reason, even after she gets home that night, her body is still buzzing with nerves and something that feels suspiciously like excitement.

—

As it turns out, Vanessa isn’t just back the next day—she’s back the day after that, and the day after that, and so on for the rest of the week. At first, they stick to flowers; Brooke runs through every plant in the gift shop’s small collection, rattling off any fact she thinks Vanessa might find interesting.

“You know, even though tulips are commonplace now, in the 1600s, these things were actually more valuable than gold in the Netherlands. Isn’t that wild?”

“I actually read that the juice from bluebell flowers can be used to make glue. See how sticky it is?”

“Orchids are actually my favourite flowers–Did you know that they don’t even need soil to grow? They can get nutrients from the air!”

Vanessa always listens with intent, nodding and smiling in a way that Brooke can tell shows she’s genuinely interested.

Slowly, they get to talking more, Vanessa hanging by the counter long after she’s traded a creased wad of fives for a new vase or packets of plant food. Sometimes, she doesn’t buy anything at all, only stands across from Brooke, or drags her over to the flower section to talk, the perfumy smell of pollen tickling at their noses as they trade snippets of their life stories.

Vanessa is a fashion designer who works part-time for a swimsuit company, part-time on her own small business designing adaptive clothing for disabled people of all ages. Vanessa’s kid, Frances, is twelve years old and loves soccer, flowers, and their pet frog, Bertha. They’re in the seventh grade but doing math at a grade eight level, and they had come out as non-binary when they were ten, the same year they were diagnosed with a tumour lodged in their occipital lobe. Vanessa and Frances were Catholic, and even though cancer, transness, and faith were difficult to reconcile, the chaplain at the hospital was fearless and the two of them had managed.

Vanessa had been married before, but he had died of the same illness that Frances is struggling with now, long before Frances even knew him. They don’t remember him now, and for that, Vanessa is grateful.

“I still haven’t told them,” Vanessa shrugs through a noseful of baby’s breath. “I don’t want them thinkin’ that they’re goin’ the same way. It’s been two years now an’ the cancer’s gonna be gone after this last round of chemo and then their resection, I can feel it. I don’t want them worryin’ about how their daddy didn’t get the same chance.”

Vanessa leaves that day with an armful of violet chrysanthemums and a weight lifted off her shoulders.

–

“I can’t tell you how nice it is you don’t pity me.” Vanessa says the next day.

“Mm, what do you mean?” Brooke frowns as she deadheads a pot of violets that nobody’s buying.

“I can tell. Whenever I tell people it’s my kid I’m here for, they get all sappy, an’ tell me they’ll pray for me. An’ it’s nice and all, but it gets old real quick, you know what I’m saying?”

Brooke does. She’s seen it too many times before not to. It’s one of the reasons only she works at the gift shop now; other than the fact that it’s stocked by a rotating parade of high schoolers and a few well-intentioned volunteers on her days off, she’s the only person who’s ever been able to shut that pity off. Most of the time, it’s a survival mechanism.

With Vanessa, though, it comes easier than that.

“You don’t need my pity.” Brooke shrugs. “You need this pot of violets more.” she kicks the massive pot over to where Vanessa is kneeling, and relishes in the barking laugh that follows.

Everyone in the lobby hears Vanessa’s laugh so often now that no one turns snaps to attention at its melody anymore.

And as for Brooke, it’s become one of her favourite sounds.

–

The date of Frances’ resection approaches far too quickly, and the closer it gets, the more Vanessa asks to hear about Brooke’s life.

“Well, what do you want to know?” Brooke passes the illegally-opened bag of maltesers that she and Vanessa have been sharing into the smaller woman’s hands.

“I dunno.” Vanessa wiggles on Brooke’s stool, a spare volunteer vest that’s far too big for her framing her hunched-over form. She’s not supposed to be wearing it, not even supposed to be behind the counter, but at this point, nobody would know the difference, and Vanessa needs the shelter. “Tell me how you got into flowers, an’ how come you ain’t a florist.”

“I am one, technically.” Brooke pops another malteser into her mouth and chews casually. “It’s just hard to get work in a flower shop these days. I’d save up to open my own, but…”

“This job ain’t pay well.” Vanessa nods. “I can tell you kinda like it here, though.”

Brooke shrugs. “Some people collect stuffed animals, I collect stories.”

Vanessa looks at her with an expression she can’t quite decipher, but dares to hope means something good. Her hopes are realized when Vanessa’s face smooths out, her voice suddenly gentle.

“I bet you got lots of interesting stories yourself, huh, miss Brooke?”

Brooke can feel her face grow hot, and hopes to God she doesn’t look as flustered as she feels. Taking a deep breath and pulling herself together, she forces out a joke. “Wow, now who’s flirting with me?”

Vanessa arches an eyebrow, but doesn’t protest. In fact, she only hums as she pops the last malteser in her mouth, gets up, and walks away, a swing in her hips, twinkle in her eye, and stolen volunteer vest still hanging off her shoulders.

–

“Tell me more about you.”

Brooke is locking up the shop when she hears the telltale scratch of Vanessa’s voice behind her.

“Oh, hey.” she smiles reflexively, the muscles in her face so used to stretching into a grin when Vanessa’s around now that it feels second-nature. “I’m actually just about to close–”

“I’m not tryna buy anything.” Vanessa shakes her head. “I wanna… I just… Please. The third floor Tim’s is twenty-four hours, let me buy you a coffee or somethin’.”

The realization hits Brooke in the chest before she can feel any sort of celebration at the suggestion.

It’s April twenty-fourth.

The evening before Frances’ surgery.

“Okay.” Brooke nods, “Let’s go get coffee.”

–

Brooke can tell that Vanessa doesn’t drink coffee much from the way her hands start to shake about halfway through her first large triple-triple. Or maybe she’s just that nervous; either way, when Brooke offers her hand, Vanessa takes it without hesitation.

Their fingers knit together almost too comfortably, and Brooke pretends not to notice Vanessa’s blush as the warmth of Brooke’s hand connects with the cold sweat against her own.

It’s just a comfort gesture, Brooke tells herself, but from the way Vanessa grips back, soft and natural and like her hand has found its way home, she’s not sure she believes it.

They talk for hours, bouncing from topics like Brooke’s favourite childhood TV shows to how she used to dance to her top five role models. At some point, they run out of things to talk about, but rather than settle into silence, they lapse into a spontaneous game of truth or dare, letting swigs of even more coffee keep score as they trade escalating challenges between one another.

At first, the questions and dares are innocent enough. Vanessa asks Brooke her favourite hockey team, Brooke dares Vanessa to try to throw a balled-up napkin into the trash from her seat at the table. At some point, though, when they’re both full up on coffee and their box of forty timbits is running low, things take a different turn.

“Truth.” Brooke nibbles on one of the last sourcream glazed in the box, watching Vanessa intently. She’s expecting another commonplace question, something boring and by-the-book, but then Vanessa pauses, chewing her lip.

“What is it, Ness?” Brooke prompts. Vanessa exhales deeply in response.

“Are you single right now?” Brooke’s heart stops as Vanessa spits out the question, her eyes locked on Brooke’s face and anxiously searching for an answer in her expression.

It’s nothing; it’s probably nothing. Vanessa’s just trying to make conversation, that’s all. Their connection, their jokes about flirting, Vanessa’s hand still stuck intertwined with Brooke’s–it’s all just two women brought together by an unfortunate circumstance, two women who have become friends, no matter how much Brooke wants it to be more. Vanessa’s different. Vanessa doesn’t want the same thing as Brooke. She can’t want the same thing as Brooke. She’s a mom, an amazing, fearless, talented working mom, and Brooke runs a hospital gift shop. Vanessa is fierce and passionate, and Brooke sells flowers and candy while watching her life go by. There’s no way Vanessa is asking for the reason Brooke wants her to be. Brooke shouldn’t get her hopes up.

She can’t help but get her hopes up as she answers with a quiet, hopeful, “Yeah. I’m single. Yeah.”

She can’t help but have her hopes melt into relief when Vanessa smiles.

“Your turn.” Vanessa’s grip tightens on Brooke’s hand, and the sparkle in her eyes, that beautiful fucking sparkle that always seems to feel like it’s just for Brooke, is somehow incredibly reassuring. Encouraging.

Almost like a dare.

Brooke takes a deep breath, and then she takes a chance.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Why do you want to know if I’m single or not?”

There’s a beat, and Brooke falters, an apology readying itself on her tongue. Before she can completely lose her nerve, though, Vanessa stands up, and then she’s crossing around the table, walking towards Brooke, and then she’s leaning down, she’s leaning down with her hands cradling Brooke’s face, and–

Oh.

Brooke’s eyes flutter closed as she leans into the kiss, her thoughts fading away as everything becomes focused on the feeling of Vanessa’s lips against hers, soft and wanting and tinged with the bitter taste of dark roast that’s been mixed with too much sugar. And when Brooke kisses back, Vanessa sighs just a little, her thumb instinctively moving forward to stroke against Brooke’s cheek, and Brooke finds herself wishing that the moment will last forever.

But eventually they separate, and even when they do, Brooke is still buzzing with nerves and happiness and, most of all, relief. Relief that Vanessa likes her, that Vanessa likes her back , likes her back enough to kiss her. Relief that she’s not the only one that the kiss left absolutely breathless, and that she has the foresight to push back a little in her chair so that Vanessa can collapse onto her lap, relaxing against Brooke’s still-pounding heart.

Relief that not a moment later, Vanessa kisses her again.

“Wow.” Brooke mutters against Vanessa’s lips.

Vanessa’s mouth is too busy to answer back.

Brooke doesn’t leave the hospital that night–they’re too busy talking, giggling, and kissing some more, the weight of Vanessa’s body on top of Brooke’s keeping her awake and content until dawn.

–

Vanessa comes in a little later than usual that morning, but when she does, she’s not alone.

“You must be Frances!” Brooke exclaims as she bounds towards a little kid whose arm is interlocked with Vanessa’s, the hospital gown and cover-up robe they’re wearing billowing around them and almost sloping onto the white cane they hold in front of themselves. “I’m Brooke, I work here at the gift shop. I’m a friend of your mom’s.”

“No you’re not,” Frances smiles wryly in an expression that looks remarkably like their mother’s, “You two kissed last night, my mom told me.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Vanessa blushes deep red as she shushes her child, “Brooke, we came by to see the flowers before Frances’ surgery.”

“I came to meet you, too, but the flowers are a good bonus.” Frances adds, and this time, Vanessa joins in the laughter.

“You’re just like your mom, you know that?” Brooke jokes, sticking her tongue out at Vanessa when she gets a silently-mouthed fuck off in response.

But still, Vanessa is smiling, and Brooke’s heart picks up a few beats.

Vanessa told Frances about Brooke.

And Frances is eager to meet her.

“Okay, well, if I swap places with your mom, I can take you to where the flowers are.” The minute Brooke suggests it, she’s seized with anxiety–what if that’s too much too soon, and she breaks the budding camaraderie between herself and Frances? What if Vanessa hates her because of it?–but Frances only smiles and starts to wriggle free from their mom’s grip.

“Sounds good.”

Within a few moments, Frances is leaning down to trace their hands over the petals, leaves, and stems of the plants around themselves, breathing in their smell and rattling off theories as to which plant is which.

“Okay, this is definitely a rose.” they say matter of factly, carefully tracing their fingers along the flower’s thorns so as not to prick themselves.

“Did you know that the world’s oldest rose is 1000 years old?” Brooke leans down, tentatively placing a hand on Frances’ shoulder and sighing with relief when the child doesn’t shrink away. Instead, they grab a handful of the flowers perched next to the roses and shove them excitedly into Brooke’s face.

“Carnations.” they state proudly, and Brooke smiles. Before she can tell Frances that they’re absolutely correct, though, a voice from behind them drags both their attention away.

“There’s a legend that says when the Virgin Mary cried at Jesus’ crucifixion, carnations sprung up where her tears fell.” Vanessa cuts in. “What?” she cries indignantly when the other two look at her in surprise, “Y’all hoes ain’t the only ones who can use google.”

They continue to pass the time like this until an alarm goes off on Vanessa’s phone, and the air in the room changes.

“We gotta go get you prepped, baby.” Vanessa’s voice is soft, and Frances’ mood is sober.

Brooke has seen this before; families seeing their loved ones off, spending time cruising the magazine racks instead of sitting in the waiting room worrying, not knowing if their husband or daughter or best friend will come back. Those moments are always the hardest for Brooke, the times when her sense of empathy leaks out just a little too much for her not to feel affected even a little bit.

Somehow, even though she’s only just met them, it hurts even more knowing that it’s Frances.

“Hey, good luck today, okay?” Brooke helps Frances up and wraps them in a friendly hug. To her surprise though, Frances only shrugs as they pull away.

“I’ve been through this surgery once before. My mom says this is gonna be the last one, she can feel it. I can feel it too.”

Brooke thinks about that long after Frances and Vanessa go, planting one long, calming kiss on Vanessa’s lips before the two retreat back up to the pediatric floor.

–

Brooke isn’t supposed to leave the giftshop unattended by whatever disaffected sixteen-year-old volunteer she’s working with that day, but no one really ever checks up on her anyway. Besides, being by Vanessa’s side is more important right now; so she tells the teenager restocking stuffed animals that she’ll be back before leaving with a bag of maltesers and huge stuffed frog under her arm.

She finds Vanessa in the chapel, sitting on a pew with a rosary in her hands, the beads clinking as she runs them through her fingers nervously.

They sit together for a while, saying nothing, Vanessa leaning over to rest her head on Brooke’s shoulder and Brooke hugging her close, humming the closest thing to a hymn she knows under her breath.

Later on, Vanessa will tease Brooke for thinking of ‘Always With Me’ from Spirited Away as spiritual, but right then, from the way she closes her eyes and breathes into the melody, Brooke thinks that Vanessa might just think of the song in the same way.

–

Brooke visits Frances the day after their surgery while they’re in the pediatric ICU, fading in and out of sleep.

The nurse lets Brooke and Vanessa know that they can’t bring flowers into Frances’ room, not while they were still at risk of infection, but after some fierce negotiation, they reach a compromise, and Frances snuggles happily into the frog’s overstuffed side as Brooke reads to them from a book about gardenias.

–

Two years later

“Babe, come on! ” Brooke calls upstairs to Vanessa, who crashes about in response.

“I NEED TO FIND MY EARRINGS! FRANCES, HAVE YOU SEEN MY EARRINGS?”

“No, mami, I haven’t seen anything in four years!” Frances calls back sarcastically, and Brooke has to stop herself from cackling when Vanessa answers back with a string of threats to whoop Frances’ disrespectful ass. But the rant doesn’t stop Frances from beginning to laugh too, their chin-length brown waves shaking as they double forward, lost in giggles.

Not for the first time, it strikes Brooke just how much Frances looks like their mother.

Eventually, Vanessa does stomp downstairs, rolling her eyes but smiling despite herself as she fixes her earrings into their place on her lobes.

“Can’t believe we’re gonna be late for our own grand opening because of some Claire’s jewelry.” Brooke teases sarcastically.

“ Claire’s? Bitch, this shit is from Pandora, so don’t you dare–” But Vanessa’s indignation melts into begrudging forgiveness as Brooke pulls her close and smothers her in kisses.

“Alright, alright, kids, before I puke, let’s go open this shop.” Frances coughs with false irritation, moving briskly right through Brooke and Vanessa and breaking the two lovebirds apart.

“Yes, mom.” Brooke replies saccharinely, hooting with laughter when Frances responds with loud gagging noises.

Consisting of only one room, Hytes-Mateo Flower Emporium isn’t quite as grand as the name makes it out to be, but to Brooke, it feels like a palace as she roams between rows of planters, pots, and perennial blooms.

“I’m so proud of you, baby.” Vanessa comes up behind Brooke, leaning on her tiptoes to kiss Brooke on her cheek as she wraps her arms around Brooke’s waist. Just beside them, Frances reaches up to flip their sign from CLOSED to OPEN, and Brooke lets out a deep, contented breath as the waiting crowd of family and friends begins to trickle in.

Everything in the room has been two years in the making, and now, it feels like home.

[actual-lea]

Vanishing Point - Chapter 14

(AO3)

(First | Previous)

The light is finally within reach.

Jay clicks his flashlight off to save the precious battery. He's close enough to the dim orange glow of the streetlight, the only other source of illumination in sight since waking up here, that he can actually see the ground beneath his feet, and the long shadow that's cast behind him as he hazards a glance over his shoulder.

As he approaches, he trips over something – not his own feet, this time – and the hand that he throws out to catch himself isn't enough to keep him from crumpling to the ground.

The dusty concrete pressed to his face feels a bit warmer than the last time he fell, though that might just be his imagination. He takes a few deep breaths, choking on the last one, before slowly pushing himself up to his knees.

One hand gripping the blood-smeared flashlight, the other pressed to his stomach, he lifts his head to squint at his surroundings. There's a large smear of something dark a few feet to his right, and he quickly looks away, nausea rising in his throat; he's got enough to worry about with his own blood right now, he doesn't need to think about anyone else's.

He turns, wincing with the movement, to see what he tripped on – a curb, he realizes with a gasp, a crumbling line separating the concrete he's on now – a sidewalk – from a darker, rough strip of pavement.

A road.

A broken laugh bursts from his lungs, and hot tears of something like relief streak down his dirt-stained face. A road, this is a road, and a road means cars and cars mean people and people mean help and it's not much, but after exhausting himself for what feels like hours in this seemingly endless void surrounding him, any spark of hope at all is enough to cut through the darkness.

With a grunt, he half crawls, half drags himself over to the base of the streetlight, and collapses against it, his back pressed to the metal and his legs stretched out in front him. He faces the road and readjusts his grip on the flashlight, ready to shine it like a distress beacon at any car that might approach.

------

“Here.” Jay drops a stack of papers on the end of Tim's bed and flops face-first onto his own without bothering to remove his shoes. After drifting in and out of sleep through the entirety of the short drive back to the hotel, he wants nothing more than to catch up on the hours of rest he missed the night before.

Tim picks up the top page. “What's...” he trails off as he skims through the information.

“They want me to go to this hospital Monday. Nine o'clock,” Jay answers anyway as he readjusts his pillow and closes his eyes. “I assume you know where it is.”

“I can find out,” Tim replies after a few seconds. “Do you... Did he explain all this to you? What the tests are, what they're going to be like?”

Jay sighs heavily. “A little. There's supposed to be a bunch of info in there,” he waves a hand vaguely in Tim's direction without opening his eyes. “I'll just find out Monday.”

“Okay, just...” The sound of shuffling papers fills the room – stabbing through Jay's existing headache like an ice pick – then grows a bit closer to him and stops, presumably on the bedside table. “Just make sure you read some of that. If you haven't had an MRI before...” Tim pauses. “...Or, I guess, if you have, but don't remember, it can be a little unnerving. Especially if you're claustrophobic. “

Jay's eyes open, but he doesn't look up. “Am I claustrophobic?”

On the edge of his vision, Tim shifts his weight with something like a shrug. “I'm not sure. You...might be.”

Jay sits up. “What does that mean?”

Tim exhales and sits across from him on the other bed. “Look, Jay, I...” His gaze drops to the floor. “I know that this has been...unbelievably frustrating, and I really am sorry for that. There are some– some things that we'll need to talk about, at some point, but...” He shakes his head. “Please try to understand that there are also some things we just can't talk about right now, not while you're still in this kind of...fragile state.”

Jay's hands clench into fists. “Something bad happened to me,” he says quietly, “didn't it?”

Tim lifts his head. Slowly, he nods. “I think so.”

With an exhale that's almost a laugh, Jay closes his eyes. “Right. And I don't suppose you can tell me what it was,” he says, and it isn't really a question.

“I mean... I don't really know what it was, Jay.”

He looks up at Tim again. “But you know something.”

The bed squeaks beneath Tim as he repositions himself, crossing his arms loosely over his stomach. “I have some ideas of a few things that might have led to this, but this isn't something we should really try to guess at. Dr. Philips specifically said that it's important you don't latch onto any false memories accidentally–” He stops speaking as Jay falls forward suddenly to press his forehead into his palms.

“Damn it.” He can feel Tim's eyes on him as he rakes both hands through his hair.

That part isn't a lie, at least – the doctor said the same thing to him, but Jay was really hoping that maybe he forgot to mention that part to Tim.

“So now you can't tell me anything, and I have to just be okay with it, because the doctor says so,” he spits through clenched teeth. His fingers twist in his hair, so tight it hurts.

“I can tell you things that I know for sure about you,” Tim offers, his voice softer.

Jay doesn't look up, but his grip loosens, just a bit. “Like what,” he mumbles, opening his eyes to stare down at the carpet beneath his worn-out shoes.

“What do you want to know?”

He exhales heavily, his shoulders slumping with the movement, and drops his hands to his lap. Finally, he lifts his head to meet Tim's eyes. “How well do you know me?”

“I mean,” Tim begins, with a shrug. “Not, like, super well, but we... You and I spent quite a bit of time around each other, for a pretty long period of time, awhile back.” He pauses, and lets out something close to a laugh. “Neither of us have ever been, y'know, really talkative, but I'd say we... We ended up sorta close, I guess, by the end of it,” he finishes, and Jay studies his expression.

“How long ago was that?”

“It's...hard to say.” His eyes dart elsewhere.

“If you had to guess,” Jay prompts, trying to keep the exasperation from bleeding into his voice.

Tim runs a hand through his hair. “It's been a few years.”

Years?

“What– Why...” Jay stammers. “Then why would– Why did... I don't understand.” He shakes his head, and quickly squeezes his eyes shut as the movement worsens his headache. “Why would I call you, then? Had I talked to you at all during that time?”

“Not...” Tim scratches the side of his face, looking uncomfortable. “Not really...”

“So why would you be the one I called, if I hadn't seen you in so long?”

“That's...something I've been trying to figure out, too.”

Jay presses a thumb to his temple. Years, if it's been years since he's seen Tim, then that means he has nothing at all to go on for that huge chunk of time.

And an even smaller chance of piecing all of this together.

“Why don't you rest for a little while?” Tim gets to his feet and unzips his bag, digs through it until he finds something that rattles as he picks it up, and passes a small white bottle of ibuprofen to Jay.

“Thanks...” Jay says, so quietly he's not sure Tim hears him. He watches Tim retrieve a bottle of water from the plastic grocery bag containing their assortment of snacks.

“One more question,” Jay begins, wrapping his fingers numbly around the bottle as Tim hands it to him.

“What is it?”

He looks down, doing his best to fight through the pressure pulsing behind his eyes as he focuses on a half-remembered dream from somewhere earlier. The images jump around erratically, like a film reel that's spinning at the wrong speed, obscuring the details of a distant, expressionless, vaguely familiar face as it slips in and out of focus.

Somehow, through all the haze, there's a name attached to this face.

“Who's Alex?”

(next chapter)

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

[dizzyspellsxo]

10.9.19 (An Update)

I haven’t updated in a while so i thought I’d take the time to do that. I have run out of my savings. I started having new symptoms in February, quit my job because of my fatigue, etc., and have been living off of my savings since then. In March, when my insurance was back on, I was finally able to have an MRI, which showed a new lesion on my spine. 

I experienced pain all over, vibrating all of the time, all over. My legs, stomach, back, all over. It even felt like my organs were jumping around inside. I had this unique sensation, it literally felt like I had a wad of bounty paper towels stuck in the crease of my ass (sorry if TMI, don’t know how else to explain the feeling). My hands were rigid/tight, I couldn’t hold a pen and write with it. I couldn’t even stand for longer than a few minutes without my legs shaking/trembling. I needed to sit/lie down. I was still capable of walking a bit, but I would start to experience pain shortly after. I would feel burned out just walking to the store for food, which I had to do. Several things were wrong, even stuff I’ve left out.

I had to take steroids to treat it, which made me feel even worse. I felt AWFUL, on top of dealing with some things at home. It was hard. It really was. I ended up going back to the neurologist in late August, I think... or early September. She ordered another MRI to check on the status of that spinal lesion. Last week, on Friday, I was given the results. I have yet another, NEW lesion, and I’m back on steroids. I hate the way steroids make me feel, plus it causes acne on my face, chest, back, and arms. I really don’t want to have to go through this again, but it’s the treatment available.  They want to switch my meds to infusions every 6 months. They also said that the other NEW lesion that developed back in February hasn’t healed. 

My spasms are in more places than they were before. I have more spasms in my upper back, where I also have more pain. The pain is in my shoulders, my back, and neck. Spasms in the upper part of my arms, and upper back, as well as the usual places they’ve been prior. As well other issues. It is frustrating. I really try not to dwell on it. I try. I don’t deserve this. I really, truly don’t. NO ONE DOES!

I have been trying to find a job. I am completely out of savings. I reached out to a disability lawyer to see if I even qualify, WHICH I DEFINITELY FEEL LIKE I DO. I have been holding out on that, but with this new update, I have to see what options I have. There is no way they can expect people with MS, and active lesions to maintain a full-time job. I can’t. Not with the added lesion, pain, fatigue, and my chronic depression that absolutely contributes me not being able to currently maintain a full-time job. The only people who know I have chronic depression are my health care providers. 

I called the lawyer kind of late, so maybe they’ll call me back tomorrow, or I’ll reach out to another lawyer. I just really dread the next few days that I have to be on steroids (Dexamethasone) because it made the pain worse when I was on it a few months ago. I have already been having breakouts that make me feel extra unattractive, so that just adds on to it more. I’m in more pain now, on my first day of it. I was supposed to start yesterday, but I accidentally mixed up the prescriptions, and ended up taking 400 mg (4 pills) of Amantadine, like an idiot. I ended up calling the hospital to make sure I didn’t have to go to the ER... I woke up with a new, random pain in my side. I don’t know why, exactly. My upper thigh region (above my knee) feels a little tight/painful at the moment as well.

Hopefully some good luck comes to me. I really need it. Just to lift my spirits. I will update more, when I can. I just wanted to let it out.