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if-found-return-to-gusu · 4 years

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Happy Birthday to Me Pt. 5

And so my kingdom rejoiced, led in their jubilation by their handsome, kind, and most humble king.

There was a bit of dissension in the masses however when I rightfully proclaimed Lan Zhan, bringer of booze, to be the best. Because he was.

“And what are we?” cried the malcontent, “He’s not the only one who paid for those.”

Jiang Cheng then thwapped me on the shoulder to punctuate his point. Not one to take a declaration of war lying down, I thwapped him right back. But before a true battle could commence, we were put in our place by the High Queen Shijie. She told us to set a better example for our niece and nephew and we were properly contrite.

It would take more than a sound scolding to keep the smile off my face though. Especially with little A-Ling eyeing my shiny crown from his place on his father’s lap. It was quite fun to watch his willpower slowly fading as his desire finally won out.

He slid off of his father’s lap with a look of careful concentration very reminiscent of when he had been carrying the bunny earlier, and toddled over to me.

“I wan be keng!” he burbled, making grabby hands at my crown after he managed to clamber onto my lap instead.

“What?” I gasped dramatically. “Why that simply can’t be allowed! Why if anyone who wanted could be king then everyone would be king! I’m afraid you’d have to fight me for it!”

Ooooh that little boy knows how to work a crowd. He stuck out his lower lip with just the perfect level of tremble. His eyes went wide and glistened with moisture.

Soon a quiet but persistent whine started to emanate from the small child.

The peacock looked hilariously resigned. Clearly this tactic was used quite often and I’m guessing with quite a lot of success.

Not being made of stone, I crumbled before him. Removing my plastic crown, I bowed humbly before the usurper and offered him his prize.

“You have defeated me! I shall abdicate my kingdom to you. Hail to the new king! May he rule his subjects fairly!” I said with an appropriately warbling voice.

Shijie watched this with an amused smile never leaving her lips. The transaction complete, she told her new king that he still needed to finish eating his food if he wanted to be a strong ruler.

The crown sunk past his eyes when he nodded at her in agreement, but he looked more than satisfied. His goal having been accomplished he didn’t hesitate to further his betrayal by abandoning me again in favor of his golden father, who for his part looked entirely too proud of his little boy.

I looked over the remains of my fallen kingdom to find that no one seemed to much care about the change in dynasty. They were all too busy chattering to each other to pay me much mind. I started to pout a bit before something interesting perked my ear. Nie Huaisang voice drifted my way, positively calling for my attention with that conspiratorial tone that always promised a juicy bit of gossip. He was talking to MianMian, Gamby, and Qin Su who all seemed equally captivated.

Apparently Lan Zhan had IMPRESSIVELY long hair in his youth. Long and shiny.

“Never got caught or a single split end! I swear! Gift from the GODS that hair!” he claimed.

“Really? What made him cut it?” Gamby asked with mirth glittering in her lined eyes.

“Some dickwad got gum caught in it so he just hocked it all off.”

The girls looked rightfully aghast at that information! How could you do that????? There’s ways to remove gum without a sword! What a shame!

I couldn’t complain too much though because it did seem that Lan Zhan was growing it out again. Certainly it had gotten much longer in recent months and with how meticulous Lan Zhan is in every part of his life I doubt he would let this slide were it not completely intentional.

After it was clear that his audience was hooked, Nie Huaisang’s expression turned positively devious.

“But I never told you about the valiant Lan Wangji’s heroic conquest over the vile beasts that once threatened to claim this humble one’s very life!”

“Huaisang…” Lan Zhan growled in warning.

This only made SangSang’s shit eating grin grow wider and his audience to listen with even more rapt attention.

“Oh how frightful!” Qin Su said, playing along dutifully.

“What kind of beast?” MianMian asked, pretending to be playfully amazed.

“Why it was a terrifying…”

“Huaisang.” Lan Zhan said, sounding even more dangerous now.

“Ferocious!” SangSang said with ever increasing drama.

“Don’t you--”

“Porcupine!”

His audience gasped accordingly before we dissolved into giggles.

Now in Lan Zhan’s defense they were both young and porcupines actually ARE pretty terrifying in person even if they’re rather adorable. Spiky butts aren’t exactly the best for cuddling.

Apparently Nie Huaisang, in one of his rare steps into boldly daring to imitate his brother, had tried to pet a group of porcupines. When Lan Zhan stepped in to save him from his spiny doom, they decided that HE was the true enemy and chased him all around.

So now porcupines are to Lan Zhan what dogs are to me. Absolutely no judgement here. It’s not even that bad of a story, but Nie Huaisang apparently loves to tell it because for some reason Lan Zhan is REALLY embarrassed by it.

To help him save some face while everyone giggled at his frankly adorably mortified reactions, I decided to speak up.

“So basically you were an idiot who wanted to try to pet a wild animal that would absolutely kick your ass and Lan Zhan got the short stick after very bravely saving your sorry hide?”

“Yup. Pretty much,” SangSang agreed with absolutely no shame.

I rolled my eyes at him, but then turned to Lan Zhan who seemed not to be listening anymore. I chuckled a little at him for being silly and tried to pat his arm a bit to comfort him. He looked up at me and I managed to coax a little smile out of him in the end. Poor guy.

It’s much more reasonable to be afraid of porcupines than of a chihuahua.

And you’re much less likely to be faced with a porcupine in daily life. EVERYONE fucking has a dog. Uugh. Crazy ass people.

After that there was a lot of eating and chattering and cheers to my health which caused more than one cheek to color a rosy red. I was starting to feel the edges of a buzz myself, though since I wasn’t drinking on an empty stomach and downing three bottles all at once I was doing much better with my liquor than when I’d accidentally got wasted in Lan Zhan’s apartment.

Ugh. How mortifying.

Please don’t judge me for that time. I normally can drink forever without a problem. It was a fluke!

#Wei Ying #Wei Wuxian #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #the untamed #cql #Long Post #(Modern AU!)

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